← Tom Bilyeu's Impact Theory
Tom Bilyeu's Impact Theory
A Woman's Sexual Desire - How To Last Longer In Bed, Increase Penis Size & Master Seduction | Dr. Rena Malik PT 1
01:12:18
Loading summary
Transcript158 lines
- [00:00]
A
If you work in university maintenance, Grainger considers you an MVP because your playbook ensures your arena is always ready for tip off. And Grainger is your trusted partner, offering the products you need all in one place, from H Vac and plumbing supplies to lighting and more. And all delivered with plenty of time left on the clock. So your team always gets the win. Call 1-800-GRAINGER visit grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.
- [00:30]
B
When you manage procurement for multiple facilities,
- [00:33]
A
every order matters, but when it's for a hospital system, they matter even more. Grainger gets it and knows there's no time for managing multiple suppliers and no
- [00:42]
B
room for shipping delays.
- [00:43]
A
That's why Grainger offers millions of products
- [00:46]
B
in fast, dependable delivery so you can keep your facility stocked, safe and running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER click granger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.
- [01:00]
A
You're doing sex wrong. You're taking advice from the wrong people. You don't understand female anatomy and you're almost certainly abusing your body and making all of your deepest insecurities worse. The good news is, for most men, it's pretty straightforward to turn it all around, even if the thing you're most worried about is your penis size. Researching for this episode absolutely blew my mind and it's going to blow yours as well. So buckle up because joining me today is urologist and YouTube sensation Dr. Reena Malik. Men are obsessed with getting as big as they can get. Should they be assuming they're in a heterosexual relationship? How much do women care?
- [01:43]
B
So this is a great question. I'm glad you asked it, because ultimately 85% of women need some form of clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, which means that they don't need a penetrating, a penis penetrating them to achieve orgasm. And so some women actually find it uncomfortable to have a large penis penetrating them. And actually when you look at the data, so the average penile length is about 5.1 to 5.7 inches, depending on the study you look at. When you look at the type of sex toys women buy, it's about 6 inches in length, which is obviously they're not putting the whole sex toy in, right? They're holding it at the end. So it's probably around the same length as a, as the average length. And the girth is also similar to average girth. And so what that lends to itself is to say that women prefer what's around average, on average. So the average woman appreciates the average size for them. And so having more can actually be painful. So some women find when it's longer, right, it's going to hit the cervix more likely. Some women find that very pleasurable and can even orgasm from that.
- [02:54]
A
Whoa.
- [02:55]
B
Whereas some women don't find that pleasurable and find it painful. And so it's really individual based on the person if they find that comfortable or enjoyable. And so not every woman wants a very large penis. We joke about it all the time, we talk about it all the time because society makes it like seem like this is the be all end all having a big penis, right? Women talk about it, men make fun of other men. It's a whole thing. Right. But it's all societal. It's not actual actually what happens in the bedroom.
- [03:23]
A
I was looking up studies to see like, okay, is there data backing this up? And there was a really interesting one that I may have heard from you, that if you look at the toys that women buy, like across all these different companies that sell it, that to your point, like they could get any size they want and they fall within that sort of average ish range. So then what is it that you think? Because I, I don't think that society happens alone first celebrating a big penis and then, oh, it just gets in our heads. I think there's probably a mix of it matters on some level. Now maybe that's just purely psychological. But do you have a sense of psychological for men? Do you have a sense of like what creates this societal obsession with size?
- [04:17]
B
Well, I think that ultimately, as we were talking about kind of earlier, there's a lack of knowledge about to pleasure women. And so women, the clitoris is the only organ in all of the human body that is specifically made for pleasure. And the clitoris is located above the urethra, so above the vagina and goes, wraps around the vagina like a wishbone. And so if you have a more girthy or larger penis, you may be more likely in some cases to cause orgasm through penetration than you would if you had maybe a, A, a more narrow or less smaller penis. And so I think that's probably where it comes from is that, you know, obviously we know penetration is needed for reproduction. Like you have to have penetration, you have to deposit sperm. Like maybe having a longer penis makes sperm more likely to get into the cervix. But that hasn't been at least shown in the data to my knowledge. So ultimately my thought is, and this is just a hypothesis, is that because if you're looking at only penetration as a source of pleasure and you're not looking at clitoral stimulation, then if you have a more girthier or larger penis, you may be more likely to stimulate or push on some of that clitoral tissue to cause more pleasure.
- [05:34]
A
Can a man actually enlarge his penis? Is that real?
- [05:38]
B
Yes. So the short answer is yes, but can he do it safely? So there's lots of investigation in this area in terms of length. They've looked at traction devices which do show some benefits. So you can buy over the counter traction devices that if you use for prolonged periods of time. The first studies were like six to eight hours a day for like months. Right. And then you will see some improvement in length, like 2 cm, which by
- [06:07]
A
the way, the first time I heard you say that, I thought that was a tiny amount because I was thinking 2 millimeters. Yeah, 2 centimeters is like 3 quarters of an inch.
- [06:13]
B
It's all. Yes, it's a, that's. So I, I said the same thing. I'm like, it's not that much, but you know, it is something.
- [06:18]
A
So it's 15% based on the average.
- [06:20]
B
Right, based on the average. So certainly you can. There are now newer traction devices on the market that claim to do similar with like 30 minutes twice a day. So you use traction devices, vacuum erection devices, which are different. They actually cause the way they work is blood flows into the penis and it causes erections. Right. And then that over time they, they found it does not contribute to length. Now girth, some people will claim that it does, but when you look at sort of large, like large scale data in humans, it has not shown to really be beneficial in terms of girth. And then there's just pump harder.
- [07:01]
A
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- [07:03]
B
Well, I mean, some people will say need to pump for 20 minutes a day or whatever. I, I don't, you know, I don't claim to think that it really does that much, but maybe, maybe there's some, you know, small studies that prove that ultimately in terms of other things, Right. So you can have surgical things to lengthen the penis. Now they've done a whole bunch of different studies. They've used like bone grafts, they've used fat, they've used all sorts of different things. The newest thing on the market is called penuma, which is an implant that you put in the penis that's like a sleeve, it's like a silicone sleeve that goes on top of the erectile tissue. Now the initial data was very promising. I will say that I have seen personally patients with issues with that particular
- [07:49]
A
surgery, and they do that to enlarge the penis.
- [07:51]
B
It makes it girthier and enlarges it. Um, so again, there is nothing that you can do that is not without risk of true serious damage to your penis, like losing sensation, having a bad outcome, having to have repeat surgery. So at this point in time, we don't have anything that is even nearly as safe as like a breast implant for, say, per se, because that's what people compare it to. They're like, well, women can enlarge their breasts. Why can't I enlarge my penis? And right now you could, but it's certainly not safe.
- [08:22]
A
Yes. Surgery terrifies me that that strikes me as a really bad idea. Unless you are just like in the micro zone. Yeah, but the traction thing. So I literally stopped the entire office yesterday and I was like, hey, for a second, can I talk as the host of a show and not the CEO of the company?
- [08:39]
B
Yeah.
- [08:39]
A
And I was like, yeah, sure. I said penis enlargement is real. So when I first heard you say it about traction, I was like, there's no way this is real.
- [08:50]
B
And.
- [08:50]
A
And so I started like doing more research. And one, I went and looked at the actual study that you've been citing, the 2cm. I was flabbergasted to see that that is actually a thing. So the. Let's set aside all the super high risk stuff because that really freaks me out. And I would not want anybody because, look, guys are so insecure about this. And so I don't want somebody to hear this and go grab a vacuum cleaner and try to like, get somewhere. Right. Bad idea. You don't to do something, certainly surgically, that could end up damaging the tissue. Now you're just in a way worse situation. But the traction. So what, what is traction and how on the spectrum of safety, where does that one fall?
- [09:38]
B
So essentially, the way this particular traction device works or this family of traction devices work is it has like a little circle that goes on the. Around the penis. And then you put the penis in, like the traction part of it, and then it gently puts on stretch. So sort of like tissue expand. You're slowly using stretch.
- [09:56]
A
Never heard of a tissue expander.
- [09:58]
B
So sorry. In medicine, we do tissue expanders. For example, for breast implants, you will use a tissue expander to help make space for the implant. And so it's in variety of different uses in medicine, but that's the most commonly known one. So essentially you're Using constant tension on the tissue to stretch it out basically. And so that's how it works. And there's a whole variety of different ones, but generally speaking they're just stretching the penis.
- [10:24]
A
Is it like creating micro damage that then is being healed and because you're stretching it so much in the damaged position, it gets bigger?
- [10:33]
B
Well, so you're, this is actually a good point because some people will try to stretch it manually with a technique called Jelqing. And so it's essentially using your fingers and like pressure to stretch it yourself. In that case you can get micro tears and micro traumas that can eventually lead to erectile dysfunction. And so I don't recommend that these devices are actually meant to just put enough tension that you're just causing stretch, but you're not causing damage. So ideally you want to get medical grade traction devices. If it looks too good to be true, don't buy it. Right. Like, but medical grade traction devices are typically, you know, tested and assessed for safety so that they're not going to harm the tissue. Now risks are bruising, certainly they can be feel uncomfortable. It's just very difficult to sort of arrange your life in a way that you're constantly doing it. But if you're motivated enough, certainly people will make the time.
- [11:24]
A
I'm telling you right now, there are guys out there that have the motivation because I know in the beginning of this you were saying that people were having to do it like six hours a day or something outrageous, and people were still doing it. Yeah, that seems crazy. But hey, now if it's 30 minutes twice a day, my question becomes, is there an upper limit? So I looked at the study and it was like, okay, if you do 30 days, it's like this increase 60 days, it's more increase 90 days. Then it went all the way to the 2 centimeters, but they didn't say 120 days. There's no additional benefit. So 10 years from now, are people going to be backing up dump trucks to carry their stuff around? Like where, where are we going? Do you think there's an upper bound?
- [12:06]
B
I. There probably is. Like there's only so much you can stretch tissue. Right. You're not going to, to the point where. Yeah, I guess at some point you may start saying like, okay, like I like this is not leading to more results. But again, they haven't studied that. So I couldn't tell you exactly when that's going to be. I mean some people may see that their upper limit is at 30 days. Some people may see that it's at 90 days. I think it's going to be variable person to person. Ultimately, you know, the other issue is, right, these are probably young, healthy guys they recruited in the study. Once you've developed issues with erections. So say you have the most common causes, vascular problems or blood flow to the penis. Say you've developed vascular problems because you've got high blood pressure, diabetes or some other like cholesterol or other issues that affect blood flow, then the tissues themselves will change. If they're not getting regular erections, you won't have as much collagen content in your tissues and it will then cause fibrosis or scarring and then you're not going to be able to stretch that tissue as much as you would have if you did it when you were healthier, per se.
- [13:10]
A
Okay, so erectile dysfunction is a super interesting topic in terms of what I will call a self inflicted wound. So I know a lot of the conversation about it is, is this hormonal? Is this about low testosterone? From what I've seen in the literature, it seems to be like way, way, way more than, sorry, way out. Getting close to 100% is blood flow problems. So how do we keep it healthy? And if somebody has gone down the ED path and they want to use traction, how do they back into a healthy state so that then they can extend?
- [13:52]
B
So for erectile dysfunction, let's just start from the basics, right? Erectile dysfunction is caused by five major things. Blood flow being the most, particularly when you're older, above 50. In the younger age group, psychogenic causes are more common, meaning that it's because of stress, anxiety or other factors that are playing performance anxiety. But it can be pervasive, not just around performance with a partner. And so that can make you feel like there's something organically wrong with you. If you have a lot of anxiety surrounding getting an erection, period, then there's neurologic issues. So diabetes does have both vascular and neurologic concerns. If you've had like prostate surgery, it can affect the nerves. So nerve conditions, spinal cord injuries, those sorts of things can also affect erections. Then hormonal is a really small subset. It's like 3 to 6% of all people who have ED. Is it solely hormonal now giving you testosterone if you're low and you have ED may improve it incrementally. It's not going to reverse it completely. And I think that's really important. It may help somewhat, but that's really not the purpose of replacing testosterone by itself. And then there's medications that you're taking. Very often, high blood pressure medications will cause side effects of low inability to get erections, as well as antidepressants. Those are probably the most common medications we see. So in those categories, again, vascular is number one. And that's because we have high rates of high blood pressure, diabetes, and high cholesterol in our society. And so we're seeing over 50% of men having erectile dysfunction above the age of 50. So it's like 50% at 50, 60% at 60, 70% at 70. It's very, very common. And so how do you prevent that? Well, anything you do that's good for your heart is gonna be good for your penis, because the blood vessels to the penis are about 1 to 2 millimeters. When you look at the blood vessels to the heart, the coronary arteries are 3 to 4 millimeters. So when you develop some sort of plaque or buildup because of blood flow issues like high, high cholesterol or diabetes or high blood pressure, that will occlude blood flow. But you won't see it in terms of chest pain right away. You're gonna to first see it as erectile dysfunction. So we always tell our patients who have ED to make sure they get their heart checked, because about 15% of men seven years after they get diagnosed with ED will have a heart attack.
- [16:17]
A
Whoa.
- [16:17]
B
So back to your question is what can you do to prevent that? Is what is the best thing for your erections and your heart? So eating a heart, healthy diet. Now, there's a lot of debate about diet, but the things we know is definitely eating low processed foods, eating healthy fruits and vegetables. Vegetables. And then trying to avoid processed meats. For sure, we know that. And so those sorts of things will make your diet, you know, increase your risk of these cardiovascular issues. So ultimately, that is one, two is exercise. So we actually see data that exercising, particularly Cardiovascular exercise, like, three to five times a week, trying to get 150 minutes of exercise a week, will actually improve erections and will reduce erectile dysfunction. So that's probably those two things are the most powerful ways to keep yourself healthy and prevent erectile dysfunction.
- [17:14]
A
Okay, I. I have got to ask. This is the question that eats up my entire brain when it comes to sex. Why on earth is the clitoris on the outside at least like the. Or maybe the better way to ask the question. In fact. Please, Dear editor, in the playback of this, put, put, put an image of the female anatomy. It is super unintuitive to me. So I know which image I want them to put up, so I'm going to describe it so you. 1. The clitoris looks very much like a flaccid penis. Same sort of shaping, if you understand the part that's inside the male body. Okay. So hopefully everybody knows that all humans, we start female, and then we become male. So it is literally the same tissue that makes the clitoris, that makes the penis. It is really interesting to see that they are essentially the same shape. Yeah, pretty crazy. However, there's additional. They call them legs or something. There's additional parts of the clitoris, two on each side, one that's quite sort of close to the. The vaginal canal, but then two more, one on each side that are quite far. And so it begs the question, why bury so much of the clitoris inside the body? So girth, cool. I'm here for that. I understand that. But why the additional pieces that are so far away? Is that for, like, really big?
- [18:51]
B
I literally can't understand in terms of the male. So the male anatomy. Right. If you think about it, the penis also goes deep into the pelvis and goes down. Right. But men are not getting perineal stimulation all the time. I mean, sometimes they may get a little bit of pressure when they're having intercourse, or if it's intentional, they might be getting perineal pressure, which is, you know, that space underneath the scrotum in front of the anus. And so there is erectile tissue there. So, you know, I don't think that evolutionarily, I'm not sure why we're built the way we are in terms of, like, why is there legs of the. Of erectile tissue that go that far? But ultimately, I think in terms of female anatomy, I think, yes. Is the. The bigger question to me is, like, why is it not obvious? Like, why is it not obvious to stimulate the clitoris? Like, if you just saw anatomy and you didn't know anything, you would just think, okay, penis goes in vagina. That is what makes sense. Right.
- [19:45]
A
You cannot line the inside of the vagina with the clitoris. Like, why isn't it just.
- [19:49]
B
There's a urethra in the way. You know, the. The. The issue is the urethra is there. And so I think that is.
- [19:55]
A
You think that's what evolution has to contend with.
- [19:58]
B
Well, so in a man, right, the urethra is underneath the erectile tissue as well. Right. So very similarly, the female urethra is below clitoral. The clitoral shaft. And. And so I think ultimately it Just sort of. That's how it came about. But, yes, I agree. I think it's very counterintuitive that. That the organ for pleasure is separate from the vagina. And I. I think the other important thing is that some women have a shorter length between the clitoris and the vaginal opening than others. And they've actually looked at studies that have shown that people with a shorter length between the clitoris and the vaginal opening are more likely to orgasm through vaginal penetration and more likely to enjoy vaginal penetration or find that to be their primary route of orgasm. Orgasm.
- [20:48]
A
Okay, this is so interesting. I am going to guess that these studies don't exist yet, but if anybody out there is listening, I beg of you to do this study. Given the way the anatomy is where two parts of the clitoris hug the. The vaginal canal, I'd be very curious to know if the. If there's, like, a tighter that hug is the more likely they are to orgasm from penetration. But going back to the stat you said at the beginning, beginning, 80% of women cannot climax from penile thrusting alone, which has been the. The shock of my life when I came across that. Longtime listeners of my show will know that I became obsessed as a teenager with learning female anatomy because I did not want to be the guy that didn't know where the clitoris was. So everybody listening to this, I highly encourage you to familiarize yourself with the female anatomy. Me, I asked my wife this morning, I said, look, I can draw the. The female anatomy. Can you? She can't. So anyway, a pat on. On my own back there for learning that, but understanding how that works. So I'd love to know if there's any relationship there. But it begs the question, the placement of the clitoris internally, why women don't prefer bigger toys. So. So if your hypothesis is right, that that's to provide pleasure based on girth, why don't they go for crazy girthy toys?
- [22:19]
B
Well, so that's interesting. That study that I told you about, the sex toy study, was built, was made because they were designing. So with transgender surgery, they were figuring out what is the optimal girth for a neophallus. So that's where they sort of came about with this study, is because they don't want to make them too girthy because they often use forearm flaps. And so you can imagine if you take a big flap of tissue from your forearm and you roll it up, it can get quite g. And so patients were coming back and saying, I love the way it Looks, but I can't penetrate my partner. And so there is sort of an average width and length of the vagina, which then doubles when you're getting aroused. But there is a limit to it, right? It will stretch, obviously. You can push a baby out of a vagina, so it will stretch, but sometimes that's not comfortable. Now, there's a lot of reasons why maybe they choose use smaller toys, but also they can manipulate those toys to stimulate different parts of the vagina. Right. They can angle it a certain way or move it up or down or to the side. And so that, I think, allows them to be more directed and not feel so unwieldy about putting a very girthy instrument in the vagina.
- [23:28]
A
Hmm. This is so intriguing to me.
- [23:31]
B
When you manage procurement for multiple facilities,
- [23:33]
A
every order matters, but when it's for
- [23:35]
B
a hospital, they matter even more.
- [23:38]
A
Grainger gets it and knows there's no time for managing multiple suppliers and no
- [23:42]
B
room for shipping delays.
- [23:44]
A
That's why Grainger offers millions of products
- [23:46]
B
in fast, dependable delivery.
- [23:48]
A
So you can keep your facility stocked,
- [23:50]
B
safe, and running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.
- [24:01]
A
Okay, so. So in an N of one experiment, it would seem that vaginas come in as many shapes and sizes as penises. But what you just said makes it seem like there's a relative, and maybe it's just bell curve again, that there's a relatively narrow variation.
- [24:24]
B
They're going to come in all different shapes or sizes, just like Amanda's. Right. But we know the averages, just like we know the averages for men, and we also know that they will increase in width and length to prepare for intercourse. And there's sort of variation in terms of also pelvic floor muscle tone. So when you think about your pelvic floor, which is this bowl of muscles that you sit on and. And they're essentially hold up your organs, your bladder, your rectum. In women, the vagina and the urethra, these. These can get tense. And so when they're tense, that can cause narrowing of the. The intro or discomfort with penetration. And so very often when you. You're trying to penetrate yourself, if you're like in a want to get it done and you put some lube on, essentially you're not allowing yourself time to prepare for the insertion of, you know, whatever it is. And I think ultimately, you know, yes, I think there's variation. I think again, when your pelvic floor is maybe A little weaker because of having multiple babies or having a lot a job where you're standing a long time putting pressure on those muscles for years and years and years, those muscles will weaken, and then you will be, you know, you will have essentially a more relaxed or pliable vagina than you would if it was tense. And so we often see, like, younger women who haven't had babies have a little bit more tension in their pelvic floor than women who've had babies because they've sort of relaxed those muscles and they've gotten a little weaker.
- [25:52]
A
So when people talk about vaginal reconstruction post giving birth, are they talking about the pelvic floor? Like, is there a tear in the muscle or what? What's being reconstructed?
- [26:05]
B
Yeah, so it depends. But typically, when you're talking about pelvic floor weakness after giving birth, that will typically result in maybe like a bulge or like a hernia, almost called prolapse.
- [26:18]
A
And then what's prolapsing?
- [26:20]
B
The. The vaginal skin is prolapsing, and then whatever is behind it. So people will say, my bladder's falling out. It's not actually your bladder, it's actually the vagina, but the bladder's behind it or the uterus or the rectum. And so you're essentially getting a weakness in the floor of the pelvis. And then when you reconstruct that, you're essentially rebuilding that pelvic floor. And that pelvic floor is muscles, but it's also ligaments that hold up those muscles. And so all those things together, you can use those things to reconstruct. Now, if you're talking about, like, cosmetic reconstruction, that's typically trying to tighten the muscles at the very bottom, the levator muscles, to make them a little. To make the introitus smaller. To make it a little introitus. What's that? The opening. Sorry, the vaginal opening.
- [27:05]
A
Opening.
- [27:06]
B
Yeah. And so that is typically done for people who have prolapse as a non cosmetic. Like, if you have prolapse, then making the vaginal opening smaller, because it does open or get wider when you have weakness, can actually help prevent the prolapse from coming back. But in some cases, people want it to look a certain way, and they'll do this surgery electively to sort of make that opening smaller.
- [27:32]
A
Okay, so that one sounds more aesthetics. But if you're doing vaginal reconstruction, is. Is obviously I'm going off of only jokes that I've heard because my wife doesn't. We've never had kids. But the joke you hear Is that, that actually can make women tighter? Is that actually accurate?
- [27:50]
B
So it's only going to, it's only going to make the intro smaller and it may help pull together some of those muscles. Right. But in order to keep your pelvic floor, if your pelvic floor is weak, let's specify if your pelvic floor is weak, then you need to work it out just like you do anything else. Like you do Kegel exercises or other exercises to strengthen those muscles and remain, keep them strengthened. And then whereas if it's tight, you don't want to do things to strengthen them, you want to do things to relax it.
- [28:21]
A
One hypothesis I have long had about things that make guys insecure is a mismatch. So if you have a guy with a large penis and a woman with a small vagina, you're going to have a brain problem. If you have a woman with a large vagina and a man with a small penis, you're going to have a problem. As a urologist, is that something you encounter or am I just way off base?
- [28:43]
B
No, you, you are absolutely correct. In fact, there is actually a purchasable item that you can buy that will, you can put on your penis if you're very well endowed, that will actually shorten the length of the amount that will be inserted and so it'll be more comfortable for your partner. So clearly it's a problem that someone has decided to try rectify with the, with an item that actually works quite well.
- [29:06]
A
I hate everyone with that problem.
- [29:09]
B
And then in terms of the other way around, I mean, you know, like, like we've talked about already. Yes, it can be a problem in terms of orgasming with penetration, but again, there's other alternatives to achieve pleasure. And that's sort of what I, I tell patients if they're having that trouble is like, you know, you have 10 fingers, you have devices you can buy. There's lots of things you can do to help help get your partner to achieve pleasure that do not involve penetration.
- [29:35]
A
Glad you bring that up. So I heard, I think it, again, I think it was you that said this. Let me see if I can remember this correctly. 45% of women do have an orgasm with a first time male partner, but 95% of women have an orgasm with a first time female partner.
- [29:55]
B
Yeah.
- [29:56]
A
That is outrageous. If you're insecure about whether you are pleasuring your partner, take heed of that stat. It's obviously not a requirement anyway for you to have a jumbo. But why is it that lesbian encounters have just a demonstrably higher, I mean, an order of magnitude higher ability to make each other orgasm on first encounter.
- [30:27]
B
Well, so two reasons. One is they've spent their whole lives learning how to pleasure themselves. Right. And so they know how to achieve pleasure in female anatomy. They're more familiar with female anatomy. They know what to do. But the other big thing is when you have two people of the same gender, they have to talk because one person can give pleasure and one person can receive pleasure. Right. And you don't know who that's going to be unless you actually talk about it. Right. So there's open communication from the very beginning. Whereas I think in heterosexual encounters, we're so focused on being polite. Right. We don't want to like, oh, I don't like that you don't want to. You don't want to hurt someone's feelings. So you might not open up and say, oh, I actually like this better, or I like it this way. In fact, we see in studies where there's people, women of all different ages, that women who are a bit older tend to have better satisfaction with their sex life and better orgasmic outcomes, probably because they're more likely to talk about what they want and know what they want.
- [31:29]
A
Yeah, this, this comes back to just. I am utterly shocked that the clitoris is on the outside. I have a hypothesis that I want to run by you. Yeah, I'm obsessed with evolution research, a lot of it. Trying to understand the human experience through the lens of evolution has been transformative for me in being able to predict the outcome of my own actions, to be able to predict other people's behaviors. I would say ignore that at one's own peril. When I look at our close relatives, the bonobos, one thing that they do for inter tribe cooperation, or I should say intra tribe cooperation, is if there's friction between two females, they will go up and they will touch each other's genitals, reassure each other. I don't know that they go all the way to climax, but. But it, it is certainly genital base contact. And I would imagine that at this stage in human evolution, that's probably not a big role. But it's interesting to think that if you, if you start stacking these things so you have to contend with the urethra. And so that's going to maybe cause a. If you understand the idea of the blind watchmaker, which I think is a great analogy given to us, I think, by Richard Dawkins. Okay. You have all these things that look incredibly complicated but they were not made with intention. They were just over extraordinarily long periods of time. You have one little mutation and another and another and another and you get there. And so if you are like the giraffe has a vein or excuse me, a nerve in it that like just makes this ridiculously circuitous trip down around the neck and back up. But if you assume that the neck was sort of growing at the same time that this thing was growing in the beginning, it might not have been a big deal, but over time becomes very weird. So if you think of that same thing with the clitoris, that if it 1 had to contend with the urethra 2, that there was some sort of advantage to some part of it being exposed, that meaning it is exposed specifically for non penetrative reasons. Because I, I think you would agree with me just from a, if you were trying to make a woman orgasm from penetrative sex, you would just make the inside of the vagina as sensitive as the, the outside of the penis. I mean, is crazy how sensitive that is. So what do you think about that hypothesis?
- [34:10]
B
Yeah, I think that, I think it's an interesting hypothesis, particularly with the, with the backdrop of how women used to reassure other women. Maybe that was a thing like maybe that was a big part of society back in. Or maybe, you know, if you think about evolution and this is again hypothesis, as you're talking, I'm sort of formulating this. But maybe, you know, the goal is procreation, right. If women were constantly being stimulated during penetrative intercourse, perhaps it wouldn't be, you know, then it would be like, okay, well men are going to, you need men to climax to ejaculate. So maybe it's to make sure that women will not climax, you know, first and then say, oh, I don't want any more penetration because the goal is to deposit sperm. And maybe that's it. I don't know. This is again hypothesis. But as you're, as you're talking, that's what's going on in my head.
- [35:03]
A
That, oh my God, I don't know how that never occurred to me. But a woman climaxing first, if, I mean, look, I suppose because women are multi orgasmic, maybe that doesn't answer the question, man. For a second I was so there there.
- [35:17]
B
Well, you know, the, the, the refractory period, you know, as we know, men have some portion of an absolute refractory period where they cannot have sex again, whether it's minutes, two hours to whatever. And so there is some portion of time where, like, you could not get an erection if you wanted to. Now that could be really short in young guys and it can be really long in older guys. And it's variable person to person. But perhaps it's because, like, the orgasm from direct stimulation would also cause some. So sorry. To go back. When you have that refractory period, very often there's increased sensitivity of the penis. So maybe that's where I'm thinking that maybe if you had sort of erectile tissue right around the vagina, it would become too sensitive for you to allow continued penetration. Whereas if a woman orgasms, it's sensitive, but it's not where you're penetrating. So that's why you can continue.
- [36:12]
A
Man, that's really interesting. Do you have a hypothesis on why women are multi orgasmic? I get why men would be single because certainly the shape of the penis will just then create its own problem as it removes the semen it just deposited. But why are women multi orgasmic?
- [36:30]
B
Well, so not all women are. But yes, there's certainly more evidence of women being multi orgasmic in the literature, and we hear about it. But it may be that again, like I said, because the sensitivity is only in the clitoris and you can continue to penetrate vaginally, then you're still stimulating the area, but it's okay that it's sensitive. And so you probably get past that absolute refractory period quicker and you can keep going. Whereas with a man you'd be like, I really can't right now. I need a few minutes. Right before you can go again.
- [37:03]
A
Yeah, that one is very intriguing. And I won't lie that I am a little jealous of the ability. Okay, setting monkeys and evolution aside, what does good sex look like? Because I think that there is. There is an astonishing lack of understanding which I would not have predicted. You and I were talking before we started rolling. I would have thought that in the Internet age everybody would have an understanding of female anatomy. Everybody would understand what women are looking for. But there's something, I think, about just the velocity and volume of information that people are just sort of dizzied by it. So help people. What. What do women want?
- [37:52]
B
So I think let's just talk about in general what makes good sex first. So I think the big key that people are missing is everyone's rushing to get an orgasm. But the point of good sex is to allow yourself to be completely vulnerable to that person. So being able to be completely vulnerable, it doesn't have to be that you're intimate with them, like in loving relationship. But you have to be vulnerable to allow yourself to have good sex. You have to be mindful in the moment to enjoy the sex. That means you have to forget about all the stress in your life and, like, be really focused on the moment. And you have to enjoy the. The. The journey, right? Every. It's not just about the orgasm. It's about actually enjoying every little bit of sex for you and your partner. And that's different for every person. Some people may like a leisurely, long bodily exploration that follows. You know, you finally penetrate, and then you find the orgasm. Some people may not want penetration at all. Some people may want a really quick, you know, experience. But whatever it is, you should be enjoying that entire experience and not just waiting for climax. And I think that's the key, is that one is really being mindful, being vulnerable, and two, also talking to your partner. Now, it doesn't mean talking to them in that exact moment. Of course, feedback is good and important, but you want to be thoughtful. This is a very, like, sacred space for a lot of people, and they don't know how to take constructive criticism until you've started talking about it outside the bedroom. And so I think that's really important in general for good sex, because if your brain is there, if you're focused on it, if you're enjoying the journey, you're gonna have great orgasms, and it's gonna be great. And so I think that's one and then two. I think for men to know about women is one is that women take time to get aroused. So during the arousal process, as I mentioned earlier, the vagina prepares itself for penetration. It increases lubrication. It leng. It widens. The cervix moves up and out of the way to allow for the phallus to penetrate. So if you don't allow that to happen, sex will be painful or at worst, painful. But at best, you know, okay, mediocre, not as good as it could be. And so ultimately, it's really important to include enough foreplay so that your partner is ready and each person's a little bit individually different. The other thing I would say is adding lubricant to the bedroom is not scandalous. Like, it's great. It can add a lot of fun and pleasure. And women's amount of lubrication is not always correlated with how excited they are about the encounter. So some women will make a lot and not be really that into it. Some people will make little. And it's a variety of different factors. It can be genetic. It can be hormonal, it can be medications they're on, it can be the age of life they're in, the stage of life they're in. But ultimately that's not a reflection of how turned on they are. And so don't take it personally if you're with someone and they're not as lubricated or vice versa, like you need to be communicating and make sure they're into it. So. So I think those are things that are really easy for people to include. And then, you know, I think ultimately a lot of men focus on like making sure their partner orgasms. Ideally, if you're not, you should be thinking about that because their pleasure is obviously just as important. But I think ultimately, like, if they are not orgasming with whatever you're doing, it's okay to bring toys in the bedroom, right? Like we use microwaves to heat up our food instead of using a fire. So we can use toys to enhance our sexual experience. Experience. And I think ultimately those sorts of things are really valuable in terms of transforming your sexual experience. And then the other big key is talking to your partner. So not in the bedroom, but like outside of the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the car, figuring out like, hey, what, what do you like? What turns you on? And you know, really getting into that and being non judgmental. If someone says something, but even for you, you should give feedback like, hey, babe, I really like it when you do this. It really turns me on. And you giving feedback too about what you like, Sort of like really making it so that you both are getting an experience that you're excited about and realizing like some things that turn you on may not turn her on or vice versa in a heterosexual relationship. We're being specific here about heterosexual, but I think it all applies to any gender. But really just writing down what you're into, incorporating different things, incorporating novelty, and just keep the doors of communication open.
- [42:13]
A
Okay? Yes, Communication, for sure, I would say, is a key part of this. That was one of the things in my early, before I was actually successful with women just reading about article after article. It was always communication, communication. And my mom once said something to me that I think goes along with your first tip, which was she said a woman has to trust you to be able to have an orgasm. And I was like, what? Like that didn't ever occur to me because as a guy that just is not on the menu of things that I would think about. I mean, if I actively distrusted the person, maybe it would be harder. But even that I'm pretty sure we'd be just fine. But that was, that was really eye opening. And so discovering what the person likes. Now what about people that don't know what they like? So I can pretty much guarantee that there are people listening to this right now that have never used, used any toys. And so they don't even maybe understand. What do you mean toys for what? Like I already have a penis. Penis is whatever. I can't come from penile thrusting, so why would I want to? Dildo is basically what I can hear people thinking.
- [43:26]
B
Right. So one, I think as a couple you can experiment and then by yourself. So, you know, in terms of our, of our sensations, like the areas of our spinal cord that take outputs or inputs and then send them to our brain, it can be touch, which is what we're always using. Right. So touch, temperature and vibration. And so you can experiment with all of those things. You can use light touch like a feather, you can use firm touch, you can use different pressures of touch, you can use different temperatures of lubricants or things. Like for example, I have, I had a spinal cord patient. I remember he had an injury to a spinal cord and the only way he could orgasm because his connections were messed up were when he put his feet in ice cold water.
- [44:07]
A
Whoa. How did he discover that?
- [44:10]
B
I mean, I think he was told experiment with temperature. And so he really experimented. That's how he got there. And so, you know, there's things. And vibration is very powerful. In fact, there's plenty of data that vibration with a toy or whatever can actually improve orgasms, improve blood flow to the genitals. So it's not just that it's the sensation, but it's actually increasing blood flow of the area I assume we're talking about for women. For both. For both. So men don't use vibration enough and they may actually find that it's quite pleasurable to use vibration and they may have more intense orgasms. So in terms of exploring your body as a, as a female would be, you know, again, identify, take a mirror and look down there. Right? That's the first step. I think so many women haven't even done that that first time you men look at their penis every day. Right. But you can imagine the number of women where they come into my office, I bring a mirror in while I examine them and they're like, I've never looked at myself.
- [45:06]
A
Whoa.
- [45:07]
B
Yeah. And so it's really. And so I will go through all their anatomy with them so they feel empowered about what they're Looking at down there so they know where they're uterus is, where their urethra is, where the lips, which lip is which. And what does this mean? And you know that there's this area is different than this area and so that is, is powerful. So take a mirror, look down there and then just explore, feel the different areas, use your hands, see what feels good. And you know when you stimulate the clitoris, you need to have lube. There's no lubrication that the clitoris is making, so you'll need some lube for it to be comfortable for most people. So explore that area, figure out what feels good. Some people like, you know, stimulation on the right side, some people like on the left side, some people like in a circular motion. Everyone's a little bit different, right? But really exploring what you enjoy. And if you feel weird about it, get your partner in on it with you because they'll find it fun, right? Like if you guys are in, in exploratory mode, you can start. You know, one of the sex therapy techniques you do is called sensate focus. So when you're having issues in the, in the bedroom room, you'll say, okay, we're not going to focus on penetration today. We're just going to focus on touching non erogenous areas like your arm or your belly or whatever. You're just going to touch all the areas and see what you like. And then after that you move towards genital touching and you find different areas of the genitals, like what feels good. And then you finally move to penetration. And by that point you've sort of mapped out your body to figure out what really feels good and what is actually pleasurable. And the same thing can be done for men, right? Experiment with what parts of the penis feel good. Does it feel better on the head? Does it feel better on the shaft? Feel the perineum, the area where the, the, the erectile tissue is underneath the skin and you may find pleasure there. Some men even find pleasure with prostate play because there's a lot of nerves there. And so, you know, if you feel open to that, that's fine. I think ultimately just figuring out what is enjoyable to you and is, is very empowering in leading to better sexual experiences.
- [47:03]
A
How long should sex last?
- [47:06]
B
So that's a good question. I think when you talk about how long average sex, sex less when you look at the data and they only look at penetrative sex. So they actually gave people stopwatches to like measure, like from the woman would measure, start to Finish of penetrative intercourse. And that's how they got this data. And so what they found was that the average length of sex was about five to six minutes. And it was actually variable by country. So in the UK it was like 10 minutes. And in like Turkey it was like. I forget it was like five minutes or something. But it's variable by country.
- [47:38]
A
The UK is actually double the average.
- [47:41]
B
Yeah, I think it was like 10 minutes.
- [47:42]
A
That's so unexpected. My wife is British, so I'm like, okay, intriguing.
- [47:50]
B
So, yeah, but ultimately, I mean, it's not as long as we think it is. Right. It's usually about five to six minutes on average. And that's penetration. That doesn't include the foreplay and any other type of sex. So we're not talking about oral sex, anal sex. This is just penis in vagina, penetrative sex. And so that's the average. Now, how long it should last really depends on you and your partner. Right. You can't. There's certain things in terms of like how long it takes till you ejaculate, that is sort of, you know, very individual. But in terms of the entire encounter, that's totally up to you and your partner what you're in the mood for. Some people like long, luxurious lovemaking. Some people like quick, like, you know, quickies few minutes and done. Because that's what makes brings them pleasure and joy and they get to feel connected and bonded even in that short period of time. So I think it really depends on what you're ultimately ultimate goal is. You know what they say. Early bird gets the ultimate vacation home. Book early and save over $120 with VRBO. Because early gets you closer to the action. Whether it's waves lapping at the shore or snoozing in a hammock that overlooks, well, whatever you want it to. So you can all enjoy the payoff come summer with Vrbo's early booking deals. Rise and shine. Average savings $141. Select homes only.
- [49:08]
A
If you work in university maintenance. Grainger considers you an MVP because your playbook ensures your arena is always ready for tip off. And Grainger is your trusted partner offering the products you need all in one place, from H Vac and plumbing supplies to lighting and more. And all delivered with plenty of time left on the clock. So your team always gets the win. Call 1800 GRANGER, visit granger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done. How in control do you think guys should be? I know there's there's a medical definition for premature ejaculation. But you watch a porn, you see a guy go for 50 minutes of just like insane acrobatic, hitting it like as hard as he can. And I'm just like, good lord. So how in control should a guy be?
- [50:05]
B
Well, let's talk about porn briefly. So a lot of these porn porn actors will use things to help them last longer. So some of them will have penile implants.
- [50:13]
A
Get out of here.
- [50:14]
B
Some of them will have.
- [50:15]
A
Is there data on that?
- [50:16]
B
This is just anecdotal. Like I know people who work in areas with lots of porn actors and they, they treat a lot of them. So some of them will have implants, some of them will inject themselves right before the, the act. And obviously productions, right, so they're edited and cut and. But they, they, they have trained themselves, right, to last for long durations.
- [50:36]
A
So you can train yourself.
- [50:38]
B
You know, I, I think there is some degree of being able to train yourself, but I don't like people to stress about it because I don't. That's their profession. That's what they chose to do as their job. Now if you talk about how long women want sex to last, on average, it's about 25 minutes. And that includes the, the whole thing, right? Men say about 16 minutes.
- [50:59]
A
Well, so are heard. But do they want three minutes of foreplay and 22 minutes of penetrative sex and we have a huge gap that it normally lasts five minutes and they really want more?
- [51:10]
B
I would venture to say probably not. I would say most women probably are, are sufficiently satisfied with average to a little bit above average. But I think, and again, it's variable person. Some women don't even like penetrative intercourse, right? Because they don't climax from penetrative intercourse. They want clitoral stim, right? So like, yeah, they're like, it feels good, feels great, but it's not going to make them orgasm. So, you know, those people may say, you know, I don't really care, I like the rest of the stuff we're doing. And some people may love penetrative intercourse because that's how they orgasm and they want more of it. But again, it's very individualized, you know, and I think we put a lot of, a lot of pressure on people. So in terms of medical definitions, premature ejaculations, like within a minute or two minutes, if you look at whichever society you look at. But my definition is, is it bothering you or your part partner? Because that's what really matters, right? Like it doesn't matter if it's, if it's three minutes or four minutes, but if you're not happy and your partner's not happy, then we can work on it, right? In terms of 50 minutes, that would be considered delayed ejaculation based on medical definition. So we usually say if it's like 30 minutes or longer, it's it and it's bothersome, it's considered delayed ejaculation. And I will tell you, I see patients with delayed ejaculation, they are not happy, they are frustrated because it takes so long and so much effort for them to ejaculate. And their partner is probably not that happy, although they're not going to say anything to them because it's a long time. And you know, at some point it's like, okay, like let's, let's move on. So I think it really depends.
- [52:38]
A
This is fun, but I've got places to be.
- [52:41]
B
But you know, I think ultimately, like there's a lot of, a lot of things that media has perpetuated like, oh, sex should be long. Sex should be a certain way. It should be. There should be so much ejaculate volume, there should be so much squirting and all this stuff. And like, in reality, like what matters is that you're satisfied and your partner satisfied and that you're connected whatever way you're trying to get to be connected. If you're in an intimate relationship, that you're feeling bonded, if it's just for sex, that you're actually both feeling pleasure and enjoying the time.
- [53:09]
A
All right, let's ask the hard question. So first time encounters, consenting adults, we will make that assumption that that's the anxiety ridden one. Like my wife and I now, we've communicated so much. In fact, my wife and I have communicated so much, you run the risk of like, we have the greatest hits and we just play the greatest hits album every time. And so there you almost have to do things that suboptimal just to keep it spicy. Like, this isn't my favorite, but because if we do my favorite every time, it gets boring anyway. First encounters, when you take your pants off, is this going to be a wow moment? Are we matched up how? What assumptions should I make? So again, going back to that stat, 45% of women or guys orgasm the first encounter with a male. That means 55% don't. So the odds are not with us on the first encounter. So what can we do to up our odds that that will be an amazing encounter.
- [54:15]
B
So the first thing you can do is before the encounter, be like, hey, what turns you on? What excites you really? Right. Because that way you go in with a map, you go in with a blueprint. You know what is going to make them turn down what they do?
- [54:29]
A
You think, okay, this is, this is very interesting. So a lot of guys are going to try to close on date number one.
- [54:36]
B
Yeah.
- [54:37]
A
But, ah, man, this is just n of one, admittedly. So maybe guys are more. Sex is moving in the wrong direction as far as I can tell right now. So I'm going to assume these guys are in a way worse situation than I was.
- [54:48]
B
So say they've just met is your kind of point.
- [54:51]
A
Yeah. And like, admittedly you are trying to like play with that line, right? Because to go from hi, my name is Tom to we're having sex, like that's, that's a big chasm to cross.
- [55:03]
B
Yeah.
- [55:03]
A
So admittedly you, you do start to get playful. But if, if you're going for first or second date sex, I can't imagine having like a really sort of, hey, like what turns you on kind of conversation. You're hoping that that spark happens. You can feel it. You see the look in their eye, you go for the kiss, they respond, reciprocate, and it goes, well, failure of imagination.
- [55:30]
B
Yeah. In those circumstances, I would say while you're in the act, you can sort of be like, hey, do you like this? Is this good? You're asking for feedback, right.
- [55:39]
A
You have an instinct that women will like that kind of conversation.
- [55:43]
B
I mean, it has to be done in the right way. Right. But like, if you're attentive and you want to pleasure a woman, I think she going to find that very sexy. Right. Like she's going to be like, wow, he's really wanting to make sure that I feel good. Like that's great. You know, 55% of the time women are not having an orgasm and this one guy is like, oh my God, I want to, I want to make sure that you're feeling good. Like, wow, that's kind of hot. Right? That's kind of actually good. And so I think it's really important. Yeah, fine, I get that. I think the first time sex, again, I think it's a lack of knowledge. I think if lesbians can have 95% orgasm, right. There is a lack of knowledge of what pleasure, what women enjoy. And so, so there needs to be some evaluation. Are you providing clitoral stimulation? Are you, you know, what works for the majority of women is clitoral stimulation. So maybe you're not doing enough of that or maybe you're too aggressive or too, too light or like whatever, but kind of evaluate what you're doing. But likely if you're providing good clitoral stimulation, she's going to orgasm. So I think that's probably the biggest key in these first time encounters. Yeah, you might get it wrong sometimes but like everyone's a little different. But as you get into more of a serious relationship, I think those con about what turns you on is, is really important.
- [56:56]
A
Yeah, no doubt whatsoever. Yeah. I mean as a psa, if you are having a first time encounter, guys, I will say that the beeline to the clitoris technically actually. Okay. In fact, I'm gonna run you through what I would say. This is the playbook to run. I'm a guy, I only have so much experience. So it'd be amazing given that you've seen so many people and are a woman yourself. Tell me where this advice goes astray so that guys can really do a good job. Okay. First and foremost, respect for your partner. So you want to make it fun and exciting, but you want to make sure she feels safe. 100% trust is going to be if my mom is right and life has certainly taught me that this seems like a very good rule that the woman has to trust you before she's going to be a to have an orgasm. So I get it, you want to be tough and manly and all that. But I, I would advise against leading with like hand on the throat and all this crazy that you will see in porn. So I want her to feel desired. I want her to feel seen as an individual. So to your point, I'm going to try something and I'm going to, I'm really going to be paying attention to Q cues. I'm going to hit the erogenous zones. I'm not the reason that I started this is I said beeline to the clitoris. I actually wouldn't do that.
- [58:24]
B
Right, right.
- [58:25]
A
So I would tease, I would be playful. Starting in other areas. I and this may be where you tell me my advice goes astray on a first encounter. I'm going to keep it pretty vanilla. I'm not going to try any of the more extravagant things. Maybe at some point I do to want to try, but would not want to try without communication. So yeah, I'm going to go slow. I'm going to try to warm her up. I'm going to remember something I've heard you say that women take like 25 minutes to you said for the whole experience. But some significant portion of that is going to be what we traditionally call foreplay. So pre penetration, again, really looking for signals that she's enjoying what I'm doing. If I'm unclear, I'd probably ask in the sexiest way I can make muster. Do you like this? And then often times, not always. So I'd have to really read the situation. But oftentimes a woman will make it clear when she wants you to go for penetrative sex. I would operate under the philosophy to if this is a first time encounter, I'm not going to be able to make her orgasm through penetrative sex. So I'm going to go straight for oral if I'm completely, completely honest to try to make her orgasm first. If she introduces a toy, oh my God, so much easier. But and at least in my experience, the toys that are effective are going to be external, they're going to be vibrative in nature and cool. If it's one that can be used simultaneously with penetration, amazing. If it can't, then I'm going to make sure she's taken care of first. And all the while, again, you want to be confident. You, I would say you want to take leadership. You don't want to wait for her to tell you what to do. I mean, if that's her thing, you'll figure that out pretty fast. But I would. Base assumption. It's not base assumption. You want to be in the leadership role. Base assumption. You want to keep it vanilla. You want to make her. You want to show that you're paying attention, that, that you can be trusted. How does that feel as first time encounter advice?
- [60:30]
B
I think that's excellent advice. I would say that foreplay though starts as the beginning of the date facts. So you. Yes, this is all great. This is exactly what I think the majority of women would want. There's probably some women who would be like, no way, that's not me. I don't like a lot of foreplay or whatever, but the majority of women, this, this blueprint would work. And I will refer your listeners to a book called she Comes first by Ian Kerner. It actually has like images and visuals, like drawn out animations, like how to literally it's a how to guide. It's very, very good. It focuses on clitoral stimulation and so I think it's a great guide for people to look at. And ultimately, yes, foreplay starts at the beginning of the day. So the palm of the hand is Very powerful. So even just touching the palm of the hand and getting that touch in early on is a part of foreplay and can actually be really powerful.
- [61:22]
A
That's really smart. Yes. So the brain is the biggest sexual organ in the body. And so being able to tap into that here would be my best advice for guys. And I forget who said this. Damn it. I heard this recently too. My apologies to whoever said this. But if you want to be intimate with a woman, become a man who's worthy of that give. And that begins even before the date. And then on the date, it's really, really about demonstrating that. That you can be interested in them, that you ask questions and you're really listening and that your answers show that you're engaged and that you're dialed in to what they're talking about, that you're not trying to please them, that you are being yourself. One thing that went really right for my now wife. Wife and I, on our first date, we both thought it was going to be a fling. So we were both completely unafraid of loss. Like, if she's into me, cool, then this can go somewhere. If she's not, whatever. Yeah. And so, and admittedly my journey. And again, my listeners will have heard this a thousand times, but my journey was going from. And this is literal. Showing up on the first date with flowers and a custom written poem.
- [62:51]
B
Oh, my God.
- [62:51]
A
And getting nowhere. Right. Because what a turnoff.
- [62:54]
B
That's a lot.
- [62:55]
A
It seemed like a brilliant idea. It was terrible. Would like everybody to hear that. And then finally understanding that, that this really is a game about finding your own confidence, knowing what you're about, not being afraid to be that. And then being a filtering mechanism for who's into who I actually am. And then you have a shot.
- [63:14]
B
And I would. I just want to emphasize respect. Right. And I think that we spend a lot of time talking about how men should please women. I do too. But I'm a mother of two sons and I will say you feeling respectful is just as important. And so, like, if you feel like you're on a date with someone and you're not getting that respect, then they're not warranting all that time and attention and pleasure from you either. So I think just like, we talk a lot about this and it's important, it's super important. But I also want to say, like, as a man, you are worthy of pleasure and you are worthy of attention and respect.
- [63:45]
A
I love that. I'm very glad that you said that. There's a weird thing happening, happening now, are you familiar with the red pill movement?
- [63:53]
B
A little bit, yeah.
- [63:54]
A
Okay. It. Please, I beg of you. Your content is so good. I would love for you to really go into that, because the guys that are coming to you, if they're under 35, they are, at a minimum, familiar with the ideas being purported in the red pill community. And it's possible that they're a devotee. And so as somebody who wants to see men be successful, and I understand what it is that they're responding to positively in the red pill movement, which I think is a reaction to a real push to sort of effeminize men and to tell them that their sort of natural inclinations to aggression or whatever are ambition are bad. And so now you have these guys that are like, not only is it not bad, like, take over the world, conquer everything. I want to play you a clip.
- [64:45]
B
Okay.
- [64:46]
A
So, in fact, if we can cue that up. I love that you're saying that men are worthy of that. I think that's incredible. And men. I hope you hear that. But if you let yourself go down a particular path, you set up an antagonism between men and women that is devastating. And so this clip sort of sums that up for me. Why female vaginas are disgusting.
- [65:13]
B
No, they're not.
- [65:14]
A
They. You eat vagina. Exactly. Point proven.
- [65:18]
B
My point proven. You don't do it.
- [65:21]
A
Why should I do it? Women are supposed to do certain things
- [65:23]
B
that men can't do.
- [65:23]
A
Women are very talented, beautiful creatures. You can give life. We can't do that. It's fine.
- [65:26]
B
You can give head.
- [65:27]
A
We can't do that. This is not for the G's. I'm not. I don't know who's out here doing this, but ain't me. Like, I'm sure there's plenty of men out there who will do it. Do you not want to please a woman, though? There's plenty of ways to please a woman without doing that. That's a big factor. That's a good one. Sexually, maybe for you. I think that it's possible to please, please a woman without it. It can be okay. So I. I don't. I don't think it's something that is conducive to a healthy relationship. It's not something I'm very interested in personally. Yeah, maybe I'm crazy.
- [65:52]
B
Yeah, it's fine.
- [65:53]
A
I go crazy for me. What I don't understand is, like, why it's such a stern no. Because why wouldn't you want to please your woman? You know, because have you not Ever. Like I said before, it's a woman's job to please a man, not the other way around. No, that is actually ridiculous when it comes to being intimate and in the bedroom. It's not. Or not.
- [66:09]
B
It's like when. When.
- [66:10]
A
When you do something for someone. Have you not seen how and they like it? Have you not seen how much they perform better? And I'm not just talking sexually, like, in general. I don't want to sound like an asshole, but a woman's ejaculation is irrelevant. You only need one ejaculation to create life, and that's the man's. Now, with that said, does that mean I'm not gonna please my girl or whatever? Of course I will. But it's elective. Definitely shit in beds. Just like a woman's, you know, duty to go to work is elective. My duty to please her. Sex sexually as elective. That's ridiculous. How's that ridiculous? Oh, no. Oh, you know what? How about this? With that logic, I'm just gonna stop paying the bills. Okay? That would be ridiculous. Sex in and of itself is boring. Any man who sits and says that sex is great or sex is fun just clearly hasn't had enough sex. Because sex is boring. Sex is a chore. Sex is like food. You don't really care unless you're really hungry and then you eat. A guy getting his girl off as elective, they should do it, but they don't have to. Just like, I think a man has to work and his woman. Okay, we'll just do it and then just see what you get different results.
- [67:10]
B
That's all I'm saying.
- [67:11]
A
I. I don't do that. I. We get the gist. You can stop it.
- [67:14]
B
It's pretty horrifying.
- [67:16]
A
Yeah. So what, what do you think about that?
- [67:19]
B
You know, I think that this is just inappropriate, right? Like, there is equal. There should be equality and pleasure. And if you respect someone, this comes down to respect, right? I'm saying there should be equal respect. Men and women should other. And if there's disrespect on either side, then that's not a relationship worth having. Right? And same thing goes with sex. If you hit, their partners are not going to feel safe and vulnerable to actually enjoy sex. These people might as well just go buy a flashlight because they don't need a person. They just need something to get them off. And they're not even valuing what that is.
- [67:58]
A
Yeah. So this worries me a lot because the. There's something happening in. Because I think there is a real shift in culture that this is an echo of. And so I don't want anybody watching this to think that I don't empathize with whatever's happening culturally that's leading people down this path. But down that path is you will, by my estimation, you will end up missing out on something incredible, which is having an equal partner that you can contend with. So when I think of my wife as. Because in the beginning of our relationship, I thought I needed to be better than her at everything. And that was the only way that she would find me sexually attractive. And it ends up creating this hilarious moment where we're playing pool and I'm about to win. And so she whispers something crazy sexy in my ear that she's going to do to me that night, and I end up missing the shot. And I, I got mad. And so instead of being like, okay, now I'm going to take you up on that thing you just whispered in my ear, I was actually mad now. I was mad because of insecurity, because I thought if she could beat me at pool that she wouldn't be attracted to me. So anyway, I was headed down unintentionally that path of. I just had wrong base assumptions about what it was that would attract a woman. And so once I began to realize, oh, wait a second, what, what this is, even from an evolutionary perspective is two halves of a whole coming together. Because from evolution you need to stay alive long enough to have kids that have kids. So that means it's not enough just to get the person pregnant. And look, I'm, I'm, I am hyper aware of the fact that we fall in the middle in terms of our morphology. So we have testicles that are relatively large, we produce a large volume of semen, but not compared to some animals that truly, it's just a spray and pray methodology. So we're, we're in the middle. So I get it, there's sort of a tension there. But when I think of my wife as my equal, my partner, my other half that were in this to make each other better, that I have somebody with whom I can be not weak, but vulnerable, that I can share what's really going on in my life, that can do the same for me, then it, the. There is a reason, despite all of my success and wealth, that the thing I personally prize above everything is my marriage. Because nothing has given me more mental well being than my marriage. And so when I hear guys talk like that, they've, they've adopted a base assumption that there's an antagonistic relationship between men and women. Now, again, I get it. There's something happening in culture right now, which I can map out sort of my hypothesis on that. But I want to hear from you first, so I get it. But wow, does that lead you to somewhere you don't want to be?
- [70:52]
B
Yeah. Well, I will start by saying I think I agree with you wholeheartedly that having a good relationship is a game changer for your life. You could not be as wealthy and successful as you are without your wife. I could not be where I am without my partner. And I think ultimately, if we didn't have supportive partners at home, yeah, you could probably get somewhere. You could, could still get success. You absolutely can. But the amount of joy and happiness and overall health that brings to you with having that deep emotional connection with another being is really important. So we know that loneliness is killing people. Like, people are dying because of loneliness. Like, that's one of the indicators of mortality. In fact, it's not just loneliness of having close friends, that's an important one, but it's also also just having nice social interactions. So, you know, having good, positive social interactions with people around you. And so ultimately, when you take on a viewpoint where you think that some people are not worthy or disposable, then you are setting yourself up. You may be fine, you're wealthy or young. These guys will sleep with lots of women and probably be fulfilled sexually. But in terms of having deep emotional connections with somebody, they're going to miss out on that and then eventually everyone. You need those connections to help you age gracefully, to keep you healthy, keep you happy. It's a huge part of health. And my husband, I told you before we started, he worked in subacute rehabs, and he would see people close to the end of their lives. Right. A lot of them were very old and so many people would have no one come visit them. Nobody came to visit them at the end of their lives. And so, yeah, you can think whatever you want now, but 20, 30 years from now, you're going to be that person sitting alone with no one coming to visit you and dying because you're lonely. And it is so impactful. And I. I realize that society is changing, and I wish for the same as you that I. I hope my sons find really amazing partners that will. That will be similar to my relationship with my husband. And I think it's. It's really sad to see this movement taking hold. And I realize it's in reaction to things that are happening in society. But it's ultimately a really toxic way of thinking.
- [73:06]
A
Agreed. Why do you think think this is happening?
- [73:09]
B
So I think that, you know, there is, there's a lot of factors. So one is that we're being distanced. Covid naturally distanced us, which then made it more difficult for people to interact. But then on top of it, because of things like social media technology, the accessibility of pornography and things like that, young people are not going out and meeting people, people of the opposite sex, because of all these different factors.
- [73:37]
A
Why does porn make them less likely to go after the opposite sex?
- [73:41]
B
So think about when you were a kid. If you wanted to watch a porn or see a porn, you had to find a magazine, you had to find a vcr, get a tape. I know little kids don't know what a VCR is. You had to go to vcr, find a tape, put it in a room where nobody was going to walk in on you and watch it. Right. That was exceedingly difficult.
- [73:58]
A
Yes.
- [73:59]
B
And now all you do got to to turn on your phone. It is so accessible that kids as young as eight are seeing pornography and their brains are not fully formed. I have no problem with pornography. I think when used, it can be a great tool to enhance your pleasure and also make you feel good in, when used, healthy. But if you're you at a young age, you don't know what it is. You don't know, is this real, is this not real? It can really release a lot of dopamine, which can then make you feel like you're seeking that again over and over again. So I think when used inappropriately or especially in young ages, it can be very harmful and it can make you be like, well, why should I go approach someone of the opposite sex and deal with rejection when I can just have it right on the phone and I don't need to go through all that hassle. It's just so easy to access porn now.