← Tom Bilyeu's Impact Theory
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- [00:00]
Lisa Bilyeu
Early birds. Always rise to the occasion for summer
- [00:03]
Tom Bilyeu
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- [00:06]
Lisa Bilyeu
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- [00:15]
Tom Bilyeu
Get that AMEX Gold Card ready. I'm too tired to cook.
- [00:17]
Lisa Bilyeu
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- [00:31]
Tom Bilyeu
You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory. What is up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of Relationship Theory. It is so good to be back and live. And I am your co host, Tom Bilyeu. I am here with the lovely and talented and amazing beautiful person that I got to spend a lot of quality time with recently, Lisa Billew.
- [01:11]
Lisa Bilyeu
What's up peeps?
- [01:12]
Tom Bilyeu
And before we get into it, can we just say, for those of you who don't know, her new podcast, Sheroic with Cassie Ho is now live. And on the day that they launched, they rocketed rights number one in health. So. So yay. Mad Kudos to you, my love. Very impressive. Very great. The feedback you've been getting is smash bang, amazing.
- [01:33]
Lisa Bilyeu
So, yeah, it's been, it's been quite a ride and obviously super excited about the release. We've been working so long. You've been talking about it for like two months when we first started it. And so now kind of being out there and getting the feedback has been amazing. But to be honest, the biggest thing was like the way it all happened. So I was super stressed that we were releasing it when we were away. I mean, that was like so stressful for me. But there was something about being away with you in like this beautiful country. Like, it was just amazing and spectacular. And then we went and celebrated in the evening, just me and you. And I don't think we would have done that if we were here. I think we would have just gone in hustle work mode. Like I could, I would have worked all day. I probably wouldn't have said two words to you. And then, you know, I would have just gone to bed because I was shattered Right. But because we were away, even though I was working a lot, we kind of then just took that evening to go. And truth. And it's like when you're working, you're looking at this beautiful ocean. You've got yachts around you.
- [02:29]
Tom Bilyeu
It was cool.
- [02:30]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [02:31]
Tom Bilyeu
No question. Wow. You, like, booby trapped yourself.
- [02:33]
Lisa Bilyeu
I know.
- [02:36]
Tom Bilyeu
All right, what you got for us? Strong homie.
- [02:39]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. Let's start. All right, so first question via email. Hey, Lisa and Tom, thank you for giving us friendly advice and being so raw and real weekly. I'm currently working on my vows. Tying the knot next weekend or we may have missed it.
- [02:56]
Tom Bilyeu
Oh, no.
- [02:57]
Lisa Bilyeu
Oh, no. I just realized. Sorry. But if we haven't, then hopefully this will help you. And I'm curious about what you both might suggest as must haves when articulating this commitment. Of course, vows are very personal. So if you could talk about your must haves or what you would have liked to express when you were married, that would be great. Thank you again. Can't wait to hear the new podcast, Lisa. Thank you. Jane Pelk from Nova Scotia, Canada.
- [03:26]
Tom Bilyeu
Nice. Nova Scotia in the house.
- [03:28]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. So there's a question for you.
- [03:32]
Tom Bilyeu
Indeed. Do you want to kick it off?
- [03:33]
Lisa Bilyeu
Also, I guess we should say we didn't write our own vows. We got married in a.
- [03:36]
Tom Bilyeu
The Greeks don't play that game. Like, let me tell you right here and right now, I felt like I was getting married in, like, the 1500s. It was crazy. They were speaking ancient Greek, so it wasn't even like. So you got to imagine the guys, the big beards and the huge robes and tall hats. It was. I mean, for you, it'd be less weird, but for me, it was like, where am I? They don't do rehearsal, so I'd never seen any of it. I had no idea where I was supposed to be when I was standing. None of that. And they don't like all the traditional cues for me growing up, like, the Here Comes the Bride song, and they start playing it and everybody stand. None of that existed. And they were waving like smoke and, like, chanting. It was actually amazing. And precisely because it was so different, there was, like, a real weightiness to it. Like, it took on. It felt like a ritual in a way that, like, your sort of everyday Sunday church, like, wouldn't have for me, not if we had, you know, gotten married. Like, what I grew up with being used to, which is very informal. It's in a church, but it, like, has that sort of colloquial vibe. Like a lot of Times the whoever's officiously is like cracking jokes and stuff. They didn't play like there was none of that. It was super ritualistic, which I loved and was so meaningful to me. So that was amazing.
- [05:03]
Lisa Bilyeu
And if anyone's seen my Big Fat Greek wedding, that basically was our life. You got Christmas.
- [05:08]
Tom Bilyeu
Do they show the wedding in that?
- [05:10]
Lisa Bilyeu
They do, but people spit on her. She walks down the aisle. People didn't spit on me. I would have been horrified.
- [05:14]
Tom Bilyeu
They spit on me, though. But I don't think that was part of the sound.
- [05:17]
Lisa Bilyeu
Or was it
- [05:20]
Tom Bilyeu
so. So, yeah, that was incredibly ritualistic, which was really, really important to me. And so, like, this really reminds me how long I've been thinking about this stuff. So when I read the Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell, we were. We. I don't think we were even engaged yet. So we were dating.
- [05:38]
Lisa Bilyeu
I think we were, wasn't it? Yeah.
- [05:41]
Tom Bilyeu
So it was early in our relationship. How about that? And Reddit. And he talks about how one of the reasons that he believes that marriage as an institution is sort of failing is because there's no, like, threshold that you cross that really makes you a different person from one day to the next. There's no coming of age ritual. There's no, like, heavy transformational ritual between your, you know, the day before you're married and the day after. And so I didn't want to fall prey to that and I wanted to find a way to supercharge our wedding. Um, and so that was unexpected. The just how ritualistic it all felt to me. But then also the tattoo now, while we didn't do our own vows because they don't play.
- [06:24]
Lisa Bilyeu
If you could go back, would you like. And they said, okay, you can keep the ritualistic stuff, but you could write your own vows versus not. Would you?
- [06:31]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, probably would have. Yeah. If they were like, you have the option, then I would. Yeah, for sure.
- [06:41]
Lisa Bilyeu
I don't know, because I find things like that a little uncomfortable for me.
- [06:45]
Tom Bilyeu
Just like the speaking.
- [06:46]
Lisa Bilyeu
No, I think it's because I so, like, what I feel inside is so intimate. That kind of saying it out loud in a way that everyone will get. I don't know, it becomes a little like in that environment, like, I've got that one moment that I have to say everything. I'm feeling like that pressure of.
- [07:06]
Tom Bilyeu
You'd rather be silent.
- [07:08]
Lisa Bilyeu
I mean, here's. Here's also the truth. You're so good at writing that I would want to make sure that I go first. Right. I would want to say My vows first, and then it'll be like, if I didn't hit it, it's like I'm performing. Whereas my wedding isn't really. It's not about a performance. It's about being with my husband and making those sacred vows that I will hold on to. So if I'm then nervous about having to do my like, and that's why, thank God I didn't have to do a speech. If I had to do a speech, like, I would have. I would have been so in my own head about the speech that I don't think the day would have felt like it was. I wouldn't be able to focus on, you're becoming my husband. I don't know. It just would have.
- [07:46]
Tom Bilyeu
Interesting. Because I did have to do a speech, and it didn't have that effect on me, which. Interesting. So anyway, back to the question. So I wanted to get this tattoo, which really ended up. It is what my vows would have been. So it's not hard for me to figure out what I would have written for my vows. So the tattoo, which I thought of as a ritualistic scarification, which was very important to me to go through that for it to be something painful for it. Like, I have no interest in tattoos. I had never intended to get a tattoo. So that, for me, wasn't like a sort of low barrier to entry, like, putting me in context of being. Absolutely. At that time, I'm not anymore. But at that time, I was legitimately phobic of needles. And it was the fact that it was needles. It was, like, facing one of my really great fears. So that it was a needle, that it was painful, that it was permanent, that. That I had no intention ever of getting one for, like, decorative, cool purposes. And, I mean, to show how true that is, she has, like, in her feminine, wily ways, really tried to get me to get more tattoos.
- [08:53]
Lisa Bilyeu
Love tattoos.
- [08:54]
Tom Bilyeu
And I'm just like, that. It's not my shtick. Right? So I've noticed.
- [08:57]
Lisa Bilyeu
I've tried every. Probably every trick that a woman could try to be.
- [09:00]
Tom Bilyeu
Basically, yeah, fair enough. Even that. But to me, that would also diminish, like, the.
- [09:07]
Lisa Bilyeu
But in all fairness, it's not like I just want you to get, like, a dragon on your back.
- [09:10]
Tom Bilyeu
It was just a big mural of your face. I know. I told you. It's all good. That says fuck off. Is that comma bitches. Like, is that. That was the thing. I'm totally teasing. So, yeah, that was like, I didn't want other tattoos, so it really forced Me to stop and think about what that whole process was for me, what it meant for me, what was I committing to all of that. And I designed the tattoo, and so a lot of thought went into that, and it was just really interesting from the fact that it's a circle which. To mirror the wedding ring and meant to be a symbol of infinity, and there's no end, no beginning. And there were four points on the tattoo which were my things, which were love, passion, commitment, and respect. And those are still, like, to me, just the absolute foundation of any relationship. And while I'm sure people would surprise me with insights if they were to pick, like, you couldn't pick those four. What would you pick? And I'd be blown away. And if I rem. I remember correctly, originally it was eight.
- [10:18]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. And they.
- [10:18]
Tom Bilyeu
And the tattoo artist was like, dude, I refuse to do that because it will. Like, you won't be able to because
- [10:26]
Lisa Bilyeu
it would be so small.
- [10:27]
Tom Bilyeu
Exactly. And it forced me, like, what are the four bedrock things? I wish I still had the original design. I'd be very curious. Love, passion, commitment, and respect.
- [10:40]
Lisa Bilyeu
And you had them in Greek. What was your feeling behind that?
- [10:44]
Tom Bilyeu
That was a nod to you at the time. I mean, maybe spoke a couple words, but hadn't really clicked over into that. Like, I'm going to learn this for my wife. But it. That made it so you and that I loved. And, you know, thinking about it, like, having something that is just, like, unabashedly about that person, that's what really made it meaningful.
- [11:10]
Lisa Bilyeu
And if you. So then if you had to, with those four words, give a one liner. I'm going to limit you to one line. So imagine it's your vows. You've got, like, a limited time. You use those four words, one liners. What would you do or say?
- [11:22]
Tom Bilyeu
I should say, well, like, what are they to define them, you mean?
- [11:26]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, like, towards me.
- [11:28]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. So. Well, this is good. This is good on you. Love is the. The sort of divine spark. I think that's the easiest way. There's something ineffable about it. It taps into a part of the brain that's never touched by anything else. The. Not even like, even a child, I would imagine, is very different. A parent is very different. There's the love for somebody where it's. It's also a physical union is just different. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced. And I remember my mom saying to me, you'll know you're in love when you feel like there's no way anyone else in the world has ever felt this for another person. And in fact mom mad respect. That may be one of the like most insightful things anyone has ever said to me. Because I, I remember when I first realized I was in love with you. I thought there is no way the world wouldn't function. Like people can't feel like this about people. It's so intense and all in consume, all consuming. It's just, it's not possible. Like nobody on Wall street is feeling like this. Like the president wouldn't be able to do his thing. Like there's no way. And so that's when I knew this is love. And that like early stage feeling is so amazing and so interesting and fascinating and the way that love evolves over time is incredible and amazing and it remains the divine spark. So even though for me, and I don't believe in God, so it's not a religious thing, it's the, to me divine is the ineffable. There's clearly something about this universe, the human experience, all of it that I don't understand. Like hey, let's get really weird for a second. I've been researching multi, multi dimensions. Dimensions higher than the four dimensions that we understand. And it can actually be explained. Like I thought no one's ever going to be able to explain these, these other dimensions. They can. It's crazy. Drop it into YouTube. So anyway, like that there's clearly like things that I don't understand. And to me the way that love is and that it evolves and all that is is the closest thing I can experience to a non religious sense of divinity. It's just unbelievable. And I love the way that it changes over time. Passion. I literally meant that romantic, fiery sexual passion. Like and I never wanted to lose that. And I knew that that and love are so like brain chemistry dependent. Like they will come and they will go, right? So think about a time when you're, you have food poisoning, you're doubled over in pain. Sex is like the last thing from your mind. Now there are a thousand shades of that. From stress, anxiety, overwhelm, all of it. Depression, sadness. There's times where you're just not going to feel sexual. So you've, you cannot just wait for it to happen. Like you've really got to keep touch, intimacy, sexuality, like something that you forced to be at the forefront of your relationship. Especially because look, you know me, like I'm super realistic. If you take a prairie vole, I can't remember if it's prairie voles or. Anyway, it's a rodent that they did this test on and you put them in a cage with a female, they'll have sex once and stop. But if you put a new female in, it'll have sex again right away. Put a new female in a third time. I can't remember how many times, but like it keeps going and going. But if you had left the same female in, it wouldn't. Now humans fall sort of in the middle of monogamy and you can just base it on the way that the genitalia is. You can tell that we sort of fall in the middle. So like monogamy is not impossible for us, but it doesn't necessarily come as our default position. So going into a marriage and saying, okay, I'm going to be monogamous with this person like that. How do I cope with that? There has to be mechanisms because it's not necessarily going to be my default position. From an impulse perspective. It certainly won't be that way all the time. So like how do I make sure that we keep. You said one sentence. This has turned into a fucking novel.
- [15:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
I was going to say. It really has.
- [15:21]
Tom Bilyeu
I didn't want to interrupt you, but I apologize. I lost. Now just imagine me saying this in front of the church. Everybody, let me explain this. These are my vows. It's eight hours broken into chapters. Get comfortable.
- [15:32]
Lisa Bilyeu
And people say the Greek ceremonies along man you would have made.
- [15:37]
Tom Bilyeu
That would be terrible. Okay, so I'll give you the other two in one sentence. So that was passion. I could literally.
- [15:41]
Lisa Bilyeu
But just. And there's one thing that you said there. So I'd read somewhere. I can't remember where I read it but about feeling connected with somebody. Like you need like one on one contact, like actual intimacy, like the skin touch for more than 30 seconds.
- [15:55]
Tom Bilyeu
I think it's different for men and women, but.
- [15:57]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, but I think it was for women it's like 30 seconds. So when I heard that and read it literally, I kept coming up to Tom and I kept. Right. I kept hugging you like from you're brushing your teeth. And I would just like, okay, now's the time. So I would just hold on and I would actually count. Just making sure that like I you really doing it right. The obsessiveness in me. So I would hold on to you. And then as I was counting, almost forgot to count. You know, it's like you when you're trying to count sheep. I stopped counting because I really did start to just sink into you and then start like smelling you. And even Though literally, you're brushing your teeth and you're, like, moving around, and it's. I still really did get it. And so I actually haven't done it in, like, a week or two. But, like, every day, especially when I was feeling stress or especially when I was feeling overwhelmed or not connected with you because you had so much business stuff going on. I had things going on. We didn't really see each other. And so that really works. Like, it really did. I need to remind myself to do that again. But, yeah, so, like, the passion and the chemicals and all that.
- [16:56]
Tom Bilyeu
Nice. All right, last two short in front of the church. Respect, I think, goes without saying. Like, you have to. A. If you don't respect the person, don't marry them, and then make sure that you maintain that respect. And I'll call that equality. Like, that would be another word for that, which is very important to me. And I'm very tempted to go on a very long tirade about that. And then commitment is. You're going to turn into a bag of wrinkles. There's going to be times where you piss me off, and there's going to be times where you break my heart a little. And through all of that, you need to know that I'm going to be a rock, that I'm going to do whatever mending has to be done. That since it takes two to tango, it's not enough. Like, if you've been the one to hurt me, it's not enough that you apologize. I have to be open to accepting that and building the bridge and moving forward.
- [17:49]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. I think so many couples do that, where they'll just apologize just to, like, stop the argument or stop that bad situation or they feel bad, so they just, like, you know, want to make that person feel better. A. I don't think that actually resolves the issue if you're not sincerely, you know, you actually mean it. But also, I find that. Oh, God, I lost my train of thought.
- [18:12]
Tom Bilyeu
It's a good time to practice.
- [18:14]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [18:15]
Tom Bilyeu
Oh, but you're right. A lot of people do that. They. They do the apology just to, like, move on.
- [18:22]
Lisa Bilyeu
Oh, the forgetting thing. So, like, a lot of people, they'll say, okay, like, no problem, let's move on. But they don't forget. And it becomes, like, that one straw on the back. Right. And so people, if dust settles. Yeah. If you don't actually deal with the issue and you just say sorry, and you kind of just leave it at that, or, like, okay, let's just forget it. Like.
- [18:39]
Tom Bilyeu
Right.
- [18:39]
Lisa Bilyeu
And I've tried to do that in the past, and it doesn't work. Like just saying, oh, because you still remember because you haven't resolved the issue. So you take, you know, a marriage that you want to go on for a lifetime, that weight starts like, you know, the straw that broke the camel's back. So we always make sure that we address those issues as they come up and that we never apologize unless we really mean it or we just discuss it. But it's never, never like, oh, don't worry about it. Let's just forget it. Like, we never say that because it never resolves truth. All right, so we've got some questions. Thank you guys for submitting.
- [19:13]
Tom Bilyeu
You'll notice she never had to say what her vows would be. It's very smooth of her, but I
- [19:17]
Lisa Bilyeu
was the one that said that I wouldn't say my own vows.
- [19:19]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, you're gonna stick to that.
- [19:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
Well, plus, also, they've got questions coming in, so I want to make sure that we get to them. We. The team has criticized us for only getting through one or two.
- [19:28]
Tom Bilyeu
I think it's fair criticism.
- [19:31]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right. Ah. All right, Mike Burkus. Thank you, Mike Burk.
- [19:34]
Tom Bilyeu
What's up, Mike?
- [19:35]
Lisa Bilyeu
Do you plans to renew your vows every so often as a reminder of the ritual and intention behind it all? Yeah, I'm just going to go first because.
- [19:44]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, I think you should.
- [19:45]
Lisa Bilyeu
No, really? Yeah.
- [19:47]
Tom Bilyeu
Interesting.
- [19:47]
Lisa Bilyeu
Renewing vows, to me, it feels very modern, like, as a reminder of, like, see, I do love you. And because obviously, the ritualistic thing of getting married and it being for life, like, I really meant that. And so for me, I don't need to renew my vows to know how you feel about me. To me, that's an everyday act. Right. It's kind of like the. The couple who may have, like, they've not been getting along, and it's been like, nine months of, like, turbulence. And then they're like, okay, let's go away, because that will solve all problems. Right. Just changing your location doesn't solve your problem. And so the vows, even what you just says those four things, we make sure we embody those every single day. Because if you.
- [20:32]
Tom Bilyeu
Well, I do. You don't have vows.
- [20:34]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, that's true. Right. But, like, it just. I think that it loses a. At least for me, and this is only for me. It loses the meaning of that one day that we got married and we made that. That commitment.
- [20:48]
Tom Bilyeu
So you. That is so you. I should have been able to predict that answer because of that.
- [20:53]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [20:54]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [20:55]
Lisa Bilyeu
So yeah. And I think a lot of people do it to reignite their love. And I get it. Like, if that is what they need,
- [21:02]
Tom Bilyeu
better than nothing, right?
- [21:03]
Lisa Bilyeu
Right. Exactly. If that's what you need to then set a fire under your ass and then go, okay, we're starting from scratch. This is our opportunity to make a difference. Like, I totally respect that. It's just not how I think. I think that for me, it is very important that we work on it every single day. And, yes, stay true to those vows we made when we became different people. When I became Mrs. Bilu instead of Ms. Cherilambas. Yeah. I hold very tight to. Yeah, I'm very.
- [21:33]
Tom Bilyeu
It's funny that some people are hearing your maiden name for the first time. What the hell?
- [21:38]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. So what about you?
- [21:40]
Tom Bilyeu
Oh, 100%. I would do it.
- [21:42]
Lisa Bilyeu
You would win it?
- [21:43]
Tom Bilyeu
Absolutely. It sounds so beautiful and so romantic to, like, really, like, do a big. To do and all that, but I'm so lazy. It's never going to happen.
- [21:54]
Lisa Bilyeu
So why wouldn't you just do a big anniversary party? What's the difference?
- [21:57]
Tom Bilyeu
I don't know. I totally buy into, like, the renewing of vows and, like, recontextualizing it for where you're at in your life. And, like, so take, for instance, if you've got the four sort of bedrock beliefs about what a relationship is, and that's never going to change, but then you've got the. The other four that you loved and were about to get tattooed, but you remove them because they're not quite bedrock. Like, maybe those four. Maybe those four change over time. You know what I mean? Like, I don't even remember what they were. So. But I really think. And look, I'm realistic enough to know that maybe I wouldn't come up with the exact words that I chose again. But those four concepts to me are. They are central to my life. I mean, they're so central to our relationship. It's not like I have to look at my tattoo and remember what it says. I just. I remember. Those are just like. Yes. Those are the four things that are sort of the four truths that any relationship should sit on top of. But I'm, like, a total romantic.
- [22:54]
Lisa Bilyeu
So for me, I'm not giving you what you want. I'd do it for you.
- [22:57]
Tom Bilyeu
Here's the thing.
- [22:57]
Lisa Bilyeu
It just wouldn't mean.
- [23:05]
Tom Bilyeu
That's amazing. That is amazing. I can just see your, like, blank face. I'm like, your shirt says I'm here with him. You know, it's like, I don't care. None of this means anything.
- [23:16]
Lisa Bilyeu
But I did it for you.
- [23:17]
Tom Bilyeu
You would. It is absolutely eminent to bury you. But that the truth of like when you were saying it, I thought, it's so romantic. I love the idea. But when you said you didn't want to, I thought, thank God we don't ever have to plan this or actually do it. So I love the notion, but not enough to actually follow through with it.
- [23:36]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [23:37]
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- [24:38]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, I got another really good question. Let's have a couple of shout outs. Actually, we got Thomas Henrik from Cincinnati in the house. Thank you.
- [24:47]
Tom Bilyeu
Seen him in the comments before.
- [24:48]
Lisa Bilyeu
Ali Kwisam Nakvi from London.
- [24:51]
Tom Bilyeu
That's. That's Ali. That's like our boy. So what's up, Ali? How you doing?
- [24:56]
Lisa Bilyeu
London meetup.
- [24:56]
Tom Bilyeu
Yes, he was there. Well, he's from way before that. He was doing the grinding. Cute Instagram. Like he's og. He's og. And hopefully like Cindy's not here today, but hopefully he's hooked up with her. I think he's gonna run our London meetups.
- [25:11]
Lisa Bilyeu
Wow. That would be cool.
- [25:13]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. So mad love, Tally.
- [25:14]
Lisa Bilyeu
Lyle Martin from Bakersfield.
- [25:18]
Tom Bilyeu
Bakersfield in the house. Jared. Agent Smith. One of your people's in the.
- [25:25]
Lisa Bilyeu
Really? It was Jared on the COVID right?
- [25:27]
Tom Bilyeu
And what'd you say his name is? Suck Singh.
- [25:30]
Lisa Bilyeu
Suck Beer Singh. Dined from New York City. Wow.
- [25:33]
Tom Bilyeu
Nyc.
- [25:35]
Lisa Bilyeu
Deborah Carl's Al Kimin from Edmonton, Canada.
- [25:41]
Tom Bilyeu
Got some for real names.
- [25:42]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. To be honest, it's actually. It's a good brain test.
- [25:45]
Tom Bilyeu
It is.
- [25:45]
Lisa Bilyeu
Because I'm sure I butchered all of those. And I'm sorry, 100.
- [25:48]
Tom Bilyeu
Correct.
- [25:48]
Lisa Bilyeu
But, yeah, correct that I.
- [25:51]
Tom Bilyeu
About the time you're like, I think we can assume.
- [25:55]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. The good news is people used to butcher my last name.
- [25:58]
Tom Bilyeu
So I. Yeah, that they did.
- [26:01]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, so another question. This is actually from Ali really, like, this question. What's your view on saying, don't go to sleep until you've made. You've made up from an argument? Doesn't it make sense to talk about things when you're both emotionally calm and rested, rather than trying to resolve things when you're both probably tired?
- [26:20]
Tom Bilyeu
I have a strong answer.
- [26:21]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. So. Well, we will go to bed if we're mad with each other, because I totally agree with you, Ali. Like, you need to approach the situation with your emotions low. You've got your defenses down, but during the argument, your defenses come up. You're on edge. And so it's a lot of times me and you find that that doesn't work more me. Like, I'll be like, I need time. I need to walk away from this and need to think about it, and then I can come back. But the one rule we do have is we always, always, no matter how bad the argument is, and we haven't had a bad argument in, like, 10 years or something, but no matter how bad the argument actually is, we always, always, always kiss each other good night on the lips. Even if it's like.
- [27:06]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, it's so funny. Like, when we're pissed, it's so, like.
- [27:09]
Lisa Bilyeu
But we make sure. But we still do it. We literally. We made this. Like, we almost. I don't remember when we made that commitment to each other, but we definitely. We have said to each other, no matter what, when we go to bed, we kiss each other on the lips, and we always say I love you to each other. And again, sometimes, I love you, but we make sure we do it. I don't know, it just. It forces you to remind yourself of the other person is a real human being. You really do love them.
- [27:37]
Tom Bilyeu
You forget that about me sometimes, but
- [27:40]
Lisa Bilyeu
you know what I mean. So, like, that's so. But I totally agree with Ali. I. I don't think that you. You force a discussion if you're not ready.
- [27:49]
Tom Bilyeu
Because I don't even know where that started. Like, are people worried the other person's gonna die in the middle?
- [27:53]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, to be honest, growing up, that's what I heard. Like, but if they don't wake up, it's like, man, well, if you don't wake up at our age, like, then
- [28:01]
Tom Bilyeu
you're way worse than leaving the house. Like, if you said we never le until, like, we finish because people are going to die, like driving or walking, the chances of them dying, their sleep are infinitely lower.
- [28:12]
Lisa Bilyeu
And we've never, like, not slept in the same bed with each other for that reason.
- [28:17]
Tom Bilyeu
I was going to say that's a lie.
- [28:18]
Lisa Bilyeu
If you're sick, you go into the next room. But I'm saying for argument purposes.
- [28:21]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, I don't even.
- [28:23]
Lisa Bilyeu
But people do. I mean, I think it's maybe having that physical distance allows them to bring down.
- [28:29]
Tom Bilyeu
I mean, I guess no judgment, right? But it just seems like this is how you get yourself into trouble. Plus, then you think if you woke, like, fix that. So you stop.
- [28:36]
Lisa Bilyeu
I know, sorry. But don't you think, though, that if you didn't sleep with each other. So let's say, for instance, we got into an argument and we slept in separate beds, which we've never done. But I know people do do that. For me, I think when I woke up, it would just remind me, yeah, you were pissed with him and that's why you're not in the same bed.
- [28:55]
Tom Bilyeu
Great point.
- [28:56]
Lisa Bilyeu
Whereas I think that if you were lying next to me, I don't know, like, that morning, like, I so love smelling your neck.
- [29:02]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, that's the other thing. Like, I'm telling you, there are like, their pheromones, just the proximity, like, hearing their breathing. Like, I bet there's a certain degree of synchronicity you get into sleeping next to somebody. Like the way that women's periods, like, sync up when they're together in the same house. Ah, just my gut instinct is the proximity effect is probably important. I am totally making that up. I want to make that abundantly clear. But that's just like my gut. Gut instinct.
- [29:34]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, I think that, I mean, I feel like that too.
- [29:37]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. But that's a great point about waking up being like, wait, why aren't they. Oh, that's right, I'm pissed. Like, actually reminding yourself.
- [29:43]
Lisa Bilyeu
And then when you remind yourself you're pissed, you kind of then go, why was I pissed? Oh, yeah, that's right.
- [29:47]
Tom Bilyeu
Right. But you had to dig for it, which you wouldn't have otherwise.
- [29:50]
Lisa Bilyeu
Right? Because you wake up, I lean over. If you're lying next to me, I smell you. You're always very, you know, like, kind of low key. So the fact that you're kind of just, you know, your emotions aren't heightened, and it just allows us to kind of relax and then we'll be like, okay, like, do you want to talk 100.
- [30:10]
Tom Bilyeu
That would be you, but, yeah, that would be me.
- [30:12]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. Someone's asked. LK Elliott wants to know, where is your tattoo? It's driving me crazy.
- [30:20]
Tom Bilyeu
It is on my right shoulder.
- [30:22]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. And you're not. We don't want to show people. It's.
- [30:25]
Tom Bilyeu
That's interesting because you, like, would parade me around. It would be on the homepage of our website if I would let you. And I'm weirdly private about it. I'm not sure why. It's always felt like it's for me. Like, I didn't do it for show. So.
- [30:44]
Lisa Bilyeu
That's true.
- [30:44]
Tom Bilyeu
I hear that it's on my right shoulder, like. And look, if I'm at a pool or something, it's out. I'm not. Like, I don't try to cover it, but I do. I never show people.
- [30:54]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [30:55]
Tom Bilyeu
Unless, you know, I mean, if somebody was like, oh, my God, please can I see it? I wouldn't be like, no, but, like, right now, I'm not going to show it.
- [31:02]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right. All right. So Matt Wyman asks. Lisa has said she needs to walk away. How does Tom know to accept that? That is her mo. That is, I get angry and can't talk, but my wife likes to talk it through. Or better. How does one get better at not letting anger disengage them?
- [31:23]
Tom Bilyeu
Who? Those are two very different questions. And I would say, until you get to the point where you actually don't experience the anger for very long, it is a way better strategy to do whatever you need to to dissipate that neurochemistry. So Lisa and I do this thing called giving the keys to the kingdom. So in an emotionally sober moment, you would go to your wife and say, I totally understand that you want to stay engaged and all that, but the keys to the kingdom for my behavior to get me back to neutral is to give me time to walk away. Like, give me that space, and then I'll come back. Because if you're trying to deal with the situation in an emotionally charged place where your brain chemistry isn't right, that is suboptimal conditions, like, it just doesn't make sense. So way better if you're. If your goal is actually to resolve the issue, then way better to wait until everyone's neurochemistry is rebalanced. If your goal isn't that, then you need to assess, like, what's really going on. I'm gonna guess the reason that your wife wants to stay engaged is she doesn't like the way she's feeling and she believes that the surest path to that is resolution in the argument. That is certainly why. Because I didn't want to disengage. And in our. When we were much younger, we would, like, get caught over that because I would want to keep going because I didn't like the way I was feeling, and I wanted to resolve it because I believed if I could convince you how wrong you were and you could finally see and understand the truth, that everything would be okay. And, of course, that is exactly what was pissing you off, is you were like, my point of view is also valid. And so us, like, sort of going at it at a time where neither of us can see chemically, neither of us can see the other person's point of view. It just doesn't make sense. So, yeah, so when you're emotionally sober, give the keys to the kingdom, to each other. And. Because, like, even if her real goal is resolution, her emotions will dissipate over time period. Like, think of it this way. Even when someone's parent dies over a long enough timeline, that feeling dissipates. So the good news is, with most arguments, that's going to dissipate relatively quickly. Usually a matter of hours. Worst case, a day, two days. Like, but you're gonna be able to come back and talk about it.
- [33:43]
Lisa Bilyeu
And I think it's. I mean, exactly that. But it's how you approach that in the beginning, right? So speaking to your wife and saying, look, I need to walk away to calm down so that I can have the talk that you want me to have. So let's work as a team. Let's get together. Let's figure out how we handle these situations. Know that I love you, that when I'm walking away, it's not me shutting down. Because I worry that might also be an interpretation she may have. Right? Is that if a guy is like, I don't want to talk about this, that they're completely shut down. But if you reassure her that, hey, I'm not shutting down, I just need to walk away, Let. Give me time. I will let you know when I'm ready to have the talk you want to have. And then we can really come together and resolve the issue. And then basing it on, like, we. We have the same goal, right? The same goal is to resolve this issue or this problem. But the one thing you need to make sure is you need to make sure you then do have that discussion. Because if you just walk away, say, hey, you know, give me time, and then you just go, I hope she Forgets. I hope we can just brush this under the rug, then you're not actually giving her what she needs. And now she doesn't trust that when you're going to walk away, you're actually going to come back and do it, like, give her what she needs as well.
- [34:52]
Tom Bilyeu
Yep.
- [34:52]
Lisa Bilyeu
So, all right, next question. Ah, Jessica Zia said, did you live together before marriage? If so, how long. How long did it take you to know what? Know you wanted to be married?
- [35:10]
Tom Bilyeu
Okay, well, so that's all math. We did live together. We lived together, sort of. If you were to accumulate all the time that we lived together because we were in different countries for part of it, we probably lived together, what, for like, eight months? Yeah, it's about right. So lived together for eight months, which is about half of our relationship up to that point. So we spent half living together, half living apart, and then a good portion probably 80% of. Of the time that we were in a relationship, but apart, we were also apart from a country perspective. So there's very little time where you were here in Los Angeles, but not living with me, which is a whole nother conversation. And then how long did it take me to know we were together for a year. And probably. Oh, no. I proposed after, what, eight months?
- [36:05]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [36:06]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. So I proposed after eight months, which is crazy. Like, it violates every rule. Not every rule, because you shouldn't marry your high school sweetheart. And I at least didn't do that. I was gonna say that, but it violated so many of my relationship rules. But for me, the decision wasn't actually. Explain it this way. Once I decided to propose, like, I really lamented over that decision, so I thought a lot about it. I can't remember. I didn't make, like, I didn't write out a. But I had a list in my head of, like, all the things about you that I worried about. Do you remember the number one thing I was worried about?
- [36:47]
Lisa Bilyeu
Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue.
- [36:49]
Tom Bilyeu
Oh, I'm so curious to see.
- [36:54]
Lisa Bilyeu
Oh, me being sick.
- [36:55]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, yeah, she used to get sick all the time. It was crazy town. And so I was like, can I really be a caretaker, like, forever? This is nuts.
- [37:04]
Lisa Bilyeu
That's due to my microbiome, but that's
- [37:05]
Tom Bilyeu
a whole other story, whole nother thing. And so I was like, I'm not sure. Like, that was the one. And then I was like, you know what? I'm so into this woman. Like, I can deal with it. And then, luckily, with the exception of the sort of Black Death year, It didn't come to fruition that I've been a full time caretaker. But that, that was like I went through that process. I made sure that I really wanted to do it. And then once I proposed, I should say once I decided I was going to propose, I've been all in from that day.
- [37:37]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, it's. But we had a very strange way of dating and getting together and to be honest, I think the one thing we never really had but we managed to navigate through it, but I think it was. Can be difficult for people is when we lived together it was never like most of the time we were with my mum. So it's like you're not in your own space, just you two trying to figure things out. My mum, you know, bless her, she would do with our grocery shopping. So we never had the discussion of whose responsibility that was. Like there was all these things. I think you really do learn about somebody when you live with them intimately day in and day out. And then you figure out also roles, responsibilities. You kind of overcome all of those when you get to live together. But I think if you don't live together, they're things that you will surprise you. And not that necessarily for me it would have been a deal breaker but you know, one thing can lead to another to lead to another and you know, you end up not being compatible.
- [38:33]
Tom Bilyeu
So you're saying you should live together.
- [38:34]
Lisa Bilyeu
I think for sure you should live together.
- [38:36]
Tom Bilyeu
Like anything else is madness and I'll just plant a stake in the ground. If you don't live together and you don't have sex before you get married, you're. That is so crazy.
- [38:44]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [38:45]
Tom Bilyeu
I think out of your mind.
- [38:46]
Lisa Bilyeu
It comes to compatibility A and B,
- [38:49]
Tom Bilyeu
like, it comes to what are all the like things you haven't thought of?
- [38:53]
Lisa Bilyeu
Right. Like, yeah, but then also like even if we're not compatible on something, we've been in that situation. And then you kind of almost you test each other like how do they handle when you have a conflict? Right. So it's like if I say to you, look, look, it' really important to me. You leave your socks all over the floor and you still leave your socks on the floor. It tells me something about you that I've been tried to be honest up front. Like this is something that's important to me and then you don't reciprocate. It may just be socks on the floor, but it tells me something about your character and our relationship and how we overcome problems. And I think that that's a big thing as well, and then, you know, you already said sex. I think that's majorly important. Physical attraction, all of that.
- [39:36]
Tom Bilyeu
Word.
- [39:38]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, got another question from
- [39:43]
Commercial Announcer
you.
- [39:43]
Tom Bilyeu
Ready for a really random thing right before we get to that?
- [39:46]
Lisa Bilyeu
Always.
- [39:46]
Tom Bilyeu
So did you know that women will predict whether a man is going to be good in bed or not based on how he walks?
- [39:58]
Lisa Bilyeu
Like, consciously predicts.
- [40:00]
Tom Bilyeu
I don't know if I can say consciously, but this was. So we just had. Homie, please.
- [40:06]
Lisa Bilyeu
But not specifically to sex.
- [40:08]
Tom Bilyeu
I. I can't say that. All I'll say is that. So we just did an episode with the amazing Vanessa Van Edwards for impact theory coming out probably in three or four weeks. Amazing, amazing, amazing research scientist does all this stuff. And she said that. Yeah, there's been multiple studies done on how. And God, I think. And now, admittedly, we didn't get into this in the episode. This is just something I came across in my research. We never had a chance to talk about it. And I would love to get her relationship theory would be so amazing. But is. I think it's. They can accurately predict whether a man will be good in bed based on how he walks.
- [40:45]
Lisa Bilyeu
But I think it's not just walking. Like, how a guy sits is a big thing to do.
- [40:50]
Tom Bilyeu
I mean, I'm just giving you the studies here.
- [40:51]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, that's my.
- [40:52]
Tom Bilyeu
The way he sits. What does that mean?
- [40:54]
Lisa Bilyeu
I don't know. Like, confidence. Right. So it's.
- [40:58]
Tom Bilyeu
You think confidence is.
- [41:00]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [41:00]
Tom Bilyeu
Because then it's the way you sit it.
- [41:03]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [41:03]
Tom Bilyeu
Like you talking, like power posing.
- [41:05]
Lisa Bilyeu
Like. Yeah. The way your legs are, the way your arms are. Like, if you're kind of like a little dweeby and you're like, you know. And look, I'm just. My interpretation. If a guy's sitting there kind of like this hunched over, it means he's not confident. So now you take that same man in bed. Do you think he's going to be Mr. Like rambunctious and.
- [41:27]
Tom Bilyeu
Wow. Rambunctious is what we look for. Is it? Let me write that down.
- [41:33]
Lisa Bilyeu
But you know what I mean, it just means that he necessarily. He probably won't be confident in bed. So. And look, I just.
- [41:40]
Tom Bilyeu
So you're. You call bullshit on the study?
- [41:42]
Lisa Bilyeu
No, not at all.
- [41:43]
Tom Bilyeu
They don't know what they're doing.
- [41:44]
Lisa Bilyeu
Not at all. I'm saying it's not. I don't think it's isolated to just walking. I think it's body language in general. It's the way you present yourself. I think it's with clothing. I think it's with the way you talk.
- [41:55]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, sure. I think they were trying to boil it down to, like, how quickly and from what, like what's the least thing that you could get it from. But I'll be sure to let her know that you don't buy into the research.
- [42:05]
Lisa Bilyeu
She was an amazing guest. Amazing. All right, so the next question.
- [42:13]
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- [43:14]
Lisa Bilyeu
By Kevin M. Smith do you think that once a couple begins to get serious, that is a good idea to discuss how they behave when they are upset or angry, what they need in order to resolve conflict and ground wall? Ground rules for conflict is a good idea. Question mark. And if ground rules is a good idea, go ahead.
- [43:33]
Tom Bilyeu
You want me to go first? 100%. Got to have rules of engagement. I think the more areas that you have specific, discussed and agreed upon rules of engagement, the better off you're going to be. That is so critical. And that's one of the things, like if somebody said, okay, beyond sort of the obvious things like compatibility and all that that you guys have, like what's the secret to your longevity? I would say getting specific about what over communication means. So communication has for sure been the key. But the thing about our communication, like getting down into the weeds, is defining terms, creating rules of engagement, giving the keys to the kingdom, like so keys to the kingdom we already discussed, which is like telling the other person when you're emotionally sober how to deal with you when you're not emotionally sober. And like what's going to be the thing that calms you down, gets you back to neutral, defining terms. What does important mean? What does I promise mean? Like what are those things? So that when the other person says it, like, and they think they're being super direct and you feel like, well, you never said so. Those words need to be defined. You need to have sort of magic words, if you will, and then rules of engagement. Like, so how do we deal with xyz? And I think there's so many areas of your life that need. That certainly, like, conflict resolution. Because somebody earlier had asked, like, I like to disengage. She wants to stay engaged. Like, how do we deal with that? And if you've agreed about it ahead of time, then it's. It becomes much easier because the other person knows. Like, you were saying, this isn't me, like, shutting down because I don't care. This is me. I need to get back to neutral so that this can be productive.
- [45:09]
Lisa Bilyeu
Right. And speaking of, like, love languages. Right. What's going to rub someone the wrong way? Because let me tell you, if you know certain words, it's going to rub the other person the wrong way. Don't use them in an argument unless people actually want to do the dick.
- [45:24]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, but then you're, like, just escalating things, right?
- [45:26]
Lisa Bilyeu
Exactly. But that's what I mean, like, understanding that person and the language that they use so that if you are in that situation, like, just don't use it.
- [45:34]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, that's a really, really good point. And something that I. I think we've done a good job of. Even when we're pissed, we don't jab at the other person.
- [45:45]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. I think one time you said to me, you're being bitchy. And I got so upset. And you're like, but I didn't call you a bit. Because I was like, you call. And you're like, I didn't call you a. I said you were being bitchy. And I was like, but even that, like, it really upset me.
- [45:58]
Tom Bilyeu
Right.
- [45:59]
Lisa Bilyeu
And if you think I. If like, okay, rephrase the word. I think you're being mean. Okay, cool. I can. But for whatever reason, for me, that word, I just don't like it. It made me feel like you were calling me a bitch, even though you weren't. But I just owned up to that. And I was like, this word I don't like. And so you've obviously never said it again. And then it. It actually was interesting, though, to remind myself of, like, why don't I like being called A. Because being a bitch isn't nice. But you know what I mean? Like, it kind of reminded me, like,
- [46:27]
Tom Bilyeu
okay, what a shocking interpretation but you
- [46:30]
Lisa Bilyeu
know, reminds you, like, don't do that because you don't want to be perceived like that because you don't like that word.
- [46:35]
Tom Bilyeu
Right.
- [46:35]
Lisa Bilyeu
I don't know. It kind of has like a knock on effect.
- [46:38]
Tom Bilyeu
It's interesting. And I mean, I guess this is maybe like a power play thing, but if you were like you're being a dick, it wouldn't have that. It's not a trigger for me.
- [46:47]
Lisa Bilyeu
Woman thing.
- [46:48]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. I'm gonna guess the answer is yes.
- [46:50]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. I want to know if other female out there.
- [46:53]
Tom Bilyeu
I will tell you right now, yes, they do very much. And hashtag again. I did not say she was a. Just for the record because I can already feel this one spiraling out of control.
- [47:03]
Lisa Bilyeu
No, you didn't. Or even. And in fact, so speaking it again languages. The see you next Tuesday word.
- [47:10]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [47:10]
Lisa Bilyeu
I literally. It's the one word I'll never say like. And you've asked me.
- [47:13]
Tom Bilyeu
Have you never said it? I might have of you would to like get a sparkle in your eye to me.
- [47:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. But I kind of did it like. Yeah, I did. But here's the thing that because you know that word, if you feel so strongly against some. A woman who has done something that is like that you specifically use it to me and you'll emphasize it so that I know exactly how you feel.
- [47:37]
Tom Bilyeu
Sure.
- [47:41]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, let's get some questions. What has been. This is from Matt Wyman again. What has been the single best discipline you have used to strengthen your relationship both individually and together?
- [47:55]
Tom Bilyeu
The single best discipline.
- [47:57]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [48:00]
Tom Bilyeu
I'm not quite sure how to interpret that. But the. So tactics, maybe what are the tactics that we use? Communication is the obvious sense. But let's try to give people something a little bit more than that. Proximity, like, that's a big deal. Making sure that we spend time together, that's been really, really important. I don't think there's any substitute for proximity. Just to make it really clinical. I think you have to like be together. And that's one of the secrets to our success has been, you know, when you talk about growing together, that's a big one. So we started out, I worked all day, you didn't. And that was us very much going in separate directions. And then when we started working together, that was one thing, but like I was the boss and you were the employee. So like there wasn't necessarily the balance in that. And then now truly being equals in the company, like, that's been awesome. That's been a really great way for us to Put in the time, be together, have the same, share a vision, share just like the, the dream of exactly what we're trying to build. Like there's so much togetherness and all of that. That's been great. I know that is certainly not something that everybody can accommodate with their lives, but that's been really, really beneficial. So if we didn't have that, like, my recommendation to couples would be to have something that's goal oriented. So let's say being dance partners or something like that. In fact, this is really interesting. If you and I were going to be dance partners, I'd want to try to win something. And then like in that, because you're going to, it's like the same thing, the same reason. It's interesting that you're not sure why I would want that.
- [49:42]
Lisa Bilyeu
Because you're so not competitive even when we play games.
- [49:45]
Tom Bilyeu
So watch me in this. This is why suffering is useful, because it forces you to come up with tactics. If we were trying to win something, in fact. What are you talking about? Video games. Like, we're so competitive when we're playing, actually.
- [49:56]
Lisa Bilyeu
But I guess when we play games with the, like, you do like to win, but you're not like, like my family, my brother and your sister is so competitive, no question where they'll like start scratching out people's eyes so they can win.
- [50:09]
Tom Bilyeu
But.
- [50:10]
Lisa Bilyeu
But you're like.
- [50:11]
Tom Bilyeu
I would like to say even with that, I've won the Christmas cup twice.
- [50:15]
Lisa Bilyeu
The funny thing is, you absolutely have, but there's not that, like, it's not my highest value.
- [50:20]
Tom Bilyeu
That's the reason, like, so when I go into something, as long as I'm having fun, as long as I'm enjoying the family, like, I'm all for it.
- [50:26]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [50:26]
Tom Bilyeu
But below that, I love winning. Like, that's really fun. It's a great way to test your skills. And like. But with the video games, like I am playing to win every time. And so there's this one part of the game that you never play that's like really hard and you're playing against just like the best people that play the game. And I always put that I go to the casual. So there's two places you can play. Like competitive and casual. You're playing the same people. So it's just a question of, of do your teammates expect you to be amazing or are they going to tolerate that you're just there to have fun Now I'm there to win. Let's make no mistake about it. But I always go to casual because my skill set is just not. Like, people would freak out if they got me on their team in a competitive, like, space. They'd not be pleased. And. But I'm the only one that's, like, there to win. Like, when you talk to the other people, they're like, oh, I can't believe, like, people take this so seriously and stuff. And I'm like. Like, I don't understand. Like, why would you hate on that? Like, yes, okay, we got our asses handed to us. Yes. The people that we're playing against have clearly practiced, and they're very good. But isn't that the idea? Like, if you're going to show up, if you're going to spend an hour, be the best you can be in that hour. Like, nothing else makes sense to me.
- [51:41]
Lisa Bilyeu
So how does that tend to dancing?
- [51:43]
Tom Bilyeu
And you'll have to come up with the mechanisms to deal with that. Like, what happens when you lose? Do you, like. And the other person turns to you, like, and has intensity and is like, hey, we need to figure this out. Like, we need to try to do this. Like, you're gonna have to learn how to deal with that. Right. For instance, I. If there was. There was a certain game, I would get so pissed off. So we play as a fire team. It's me, Lisa, and my sister Kim. So we'd be in a fire team. I would get so pissed off, like, if we lost. Oh, yeah. And so finally. But to me, like, it. It isn't anger, like, anger about injustice or, like, fighting with somebody. It's just that I can't. Oh, fuck. I can't believe I did. I'm so mad, but I'm having a blast. Like, I'm having such a good time, like, to have been on the competitive stage and tried and lost. Like, so I'm externalizing, like, you know, frustration and anger. But, like, I'm having such a good time. And you guys were like, we can't have fun when you do that.
- [52:36]
Lisa Bilyeu
Well, no, because you can. So, yeah, this is actually really interesting because we work together. Obviously, we've been married for a while, but playing video games games kind of introduced a different dynamic between us. And so when we're playing and if we lose, like, if we're losing, you're like, lisa, what the hell are you doing? Like, you need to stay right behind me. I told you to go. You know, to stay behind and shoot when I shoot and you yelling and just being that intense. Like, I'm just like, if you're not having fun, don't play but don't like force me to do. And so I then started getting like, I don't enjoy it, right. Because I want to feel like, haha, look, you just messed up. And even though I want to win, it's like just a different way of approaching it. So.
- [53:14]
Tom Bilyeu
And so in that going back to the dancing, I've had to learn even though that. And you're definitely misrepresenting what I do. I speak very intensely and I will give you that. But I'm not like screaming, what are you doing? But I've had to realize when I externalize like that, even though internally I'm still having a great time, I'm just really intense. That doesn't play for you and Kim. So I've had to like change my language and adapt, which makes me think like there's a difference between how you feel and want to communicate and be communicated to and how the other person can actually hear you. So things like that give you the tools that you need in all the other aspects of your life. So I think the like heightened, not stress, but like the elevated intensity and seriousness of a competition is actually interesting for sussing out like how you work together and deal with. Yeah. Like I think. And it's funny that I was saying that forgetting that we actually already have that in our lives, which is interesting and how like that's actually become a big part of our quality time is being competitive about something, which is really interesting.
- [54:23]
Lisa Bilyeu
But we're not competitive against each other. We're always on the same team.
- [54:27]
Tom Bilyeu
Always. I would get exactly zero joy from beating you. And there is one part of the game which we've played a few times where I'll actually let you kill me to make sure that you get like your bounties and stuff like that. And that actually makes me happy. But yeah, killing you in a game would bring me no joy.
- [54:45]
Lisa Bilyeu
I still though like because you get chart, you know, like positioned. So even though we're in the same team, we do then have a position within that team. And like I do find joy though, when I get to number one. You should beat you.
- [54:57]
Tom Bilyeu
Rightly so. Yeah, that and I totally get that sweet about it.
- [55:00]
Lisa Bilyeu
It makes me like proud that I got to number one. Otherwise I feel this is really interesting.
- [55:05]
Tom Bilyeu
So this is really interesting because I want to be you like on our team. Right. Like I want to be at the top. And I feel absolutely fantastic when I'm at the top. And at the same time I love it like when you crush and while I'm like crestfallen that I have not done better. I'm so stoked for you because you performed and really killed it and crushed it. That is such an interesting thing that I really force myself to feed into, to. To be actively proud, to vocalize my pride to you when you do well. But at the same time, when I crush, like, I'm going to own it. Like, I cr. Crushed it. Like, I'm so stoked to have won. And when people can get into that zone, I think that's really important. And the last thing I would. You can't imagine how gross I would find it if you felt you had to lose to me. Like, oh, that's so emotionally weak when somebody can't, like, tolerate that. And look, I can say that as somebody who used to be like that, and I've talked about this ad nauseam, I actually thought you would only find me sexy if I could beat you at everything. That. And get to the physics of human psychology. No one wants to lose at everything. Nobody ever. So that just didn't make sense.
- [56:21]
Lisa Bilyeu
But someone also wants to feel like you have someone that is championing you so much that they want to see you win. And you talk about that a lot, right? Like, with the team here, with any of your friends, like, you just want to see people win. And that was really powerful for me to see. I mean, and you do it all the time with me. But for whatever reason, the. The Cherokee podcast was really a big thing for me. You were, because, I don't know, like, you just. You took it to a new level and making me feel like you were my biggest fan and you would tell everyone that you would me. And you were so supportive and so encouraging. And then on the day of our release, like, you were so. It was about, like, I'm so proud of my wife life. And that was so genuine. And I felt like I had someone who wanted to see me win. And with couples, I think that's so important. Like, you had put yourself aside, like, nothing. I'm not even thinking about myself. I'm not thinking about anything except I want this person to succeed. And I think if you can do that with your partner and let go of any emotions you may have, whether it's in a competition, on a video game, or. Or in something, you know, in life, just putting them first and saying, I believe in you so much and I really want to see you succeed, gives a support that I don't know how to replicate other than that, like, be your partner's biggest cheerleader, so powerful, super
- [57:51]
Tom Bilyeu
important that's like the core to me of relationships. Be somebody's number one. And I'm always grateful when I have an opportunity to prove. Move. You're my number one. Yeah, right. And I just think that it's a quality people should nurture in themselves to want other people to have a chance to shine. Like, you've got to want other people to have a chance to shine. And you can, by rewarding yourself and punishing yourself, you can get to the point where it's like, maybe that's not your default position. Maybe you just, like, you've got. First of all, shining is awesome. So everybody wants to shine. Winning is awesome. Some, for sure, for sure. But you have to also train yourself to be able to, like, know this isn't my time to shine. This is their time to shine. Let them shine. And I don't know, I've never understood people that can't, like, take a back seat for a minute and let somebody else just, like, be the absolute center of the universe.
- [58:47]
Lisa Bilyeu
And I think that's a good test for people. Like, look at your partner. Look at what is important to them and meaningful to them. And then what can you do to make them feel like you are their number one fan man? Right. Whether it's like, obviously for you, you posted on Social. And that was a really meaningful thing for me. You know, it was you shouting from the rooftops, which going back to when you proposed. So he proposed to me at Alexandra palace in London is one of the highest points you can.
- [59:15]
Tom Bilyeu
I know, the highest point.
- [59:17]
Lisa Bilyeu
The highest point. Except for, like, in a building. Yeah, that's what I mean. But so you basically were like, I love this woman so much, I want to shout it from the rooftops. And so it has to be meaningful. You're like, hang on a minute. A place where you can see all the roo. So you would propose at Alexandra palace that has this beautiful view of London. And so that metaphor really kind of came together. But what is that version for other people? Like, what is you letting that person know that you're screaming from the rooftops, that you're their number one fan and you want them to succeed? I think that that person would really reciprocate it, like, feel special. And I think that could be huge.
- [59:54]
Tom Bilyeu
No question.
- [59:56]
Lisa Bilyeu
So we're pretty much out of time. Yeah. The one thing, though, that I wanted to. We're always talking about our relationship and things that we discover about each other and techniques and stuff like that. And this trip to London and to Cam was so meaningful on so many different levels. But I came out of it with a couple of things that I was like, wow. I just, like, felt a different emotion or learned something new. One was you basically screaming from the rooftops of how proud you were of me and that support that I had. I was like, you know what? Obviously, I want the podcast to succeed and just crush it and have an impact and have an effect. Effect on young women out there. But even if it didn't, I was so chuffed and proud of how you were about me. So, like, that was so touching and meaningful to me.
- [60:44]
Tom Bilyeu
Nice.
- [60:45]
Lisa Bilyeu
And then so, in fact, there's three things. So then the second thing was putting into action when you're. We have the same goal and one person isn't necessarily fulfilling it. So. So I had said to you, one of the guys, I think it was actually Matt, had turned around to me and said to me, like, oh, are you doing this? It was some other social media platform. And I was like, oh, my God, Matt. Like, I can't even keep up right now. Like, one step at a time. Like, I've just started getting on an IG story. Like. And you turned around and you said, stop fucking whining. Man up. Like, literally. He didn't even miss a beat. You just said, like, literally. As I'm, like, trying to make all these reasons of why I haven't touched. I was twitching Twitter. I haven't even touched on that platform yet. And you literally were like, man up. Stop whining. You asked for this. You wanted it. You want to create impact, so don't be lazy. Get up. And. And I, like, initially, I was like, the first. It was stung for about five seconds. So I was like, oh, my God. Like, am I not doing it? And then I just stopped that. That train of thought. And I was like, he's absolutely right. If you started slacking off for the bigger vision of what we're trying to do and where we're trying to go, I would call you on it. And the fact that you just did it right there, right then in front of somebody else, like, I was like, you can't. You've got to let what he's saying sting because it's true. Not let it sting because he's your husband. And so I. I don't know if you. Okay, respect.
- [62:10]
Tom Bilyeu
The thing is, I remember that so well. And all of the credit goes to you. If it stung for five seconds, you didn't let it show. Like, you were. You're absolutely right. You turned on a dime, and we're like 100. I'm on it.
- [62:24]
Lisa Bilyeu
But almost use that sting to remind myself. Like, it's stinging because it's true. Right. It's like when somebody's, like, really upset over something you said. Like, maybe you have to analyze why you're so upset.
- [62:34]
Tom Bilyeu
Right, Right.
- [62:35]
Lisa Bilyeu
Like, is there some truth to it? And that's. Then you're pushing back even harder. And I. My instinct. The sting. My instinct was to push back. Yeah.
- [62:42]
Tom Bilyeu
But, you know, really respect that.
- [62:44]
Lisa Bilyeu
And I really respect that you called me on it. So you have to make sure that your partner's willing to hear it, because that.
- [62:49]
Tom Bilyeu
Rules of engagement. We've talked about this a thousand times.
- [62:53]
Lisa Bilyeu
Exactly.
- [62:53]
Tom Bilyeu
So. Yeah.
- [62:55]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. So, but if you can get to that point where you just push enough, just say the right thing enough to help that person realize you're saying it because you care about them, not because you're just trying to demean them. And that's really where it came from. And that's how I felt. You're not trying to make me feel lazy. You're just trying to say, like, look, if this is what you want, like, I'm holding you to the standard that you want to be held in. So, yeah, that was. That was a really cool lesson. And then I knew I was going to forget my other lesson.
- [63:23]
Tom Bilyeu
The third one.
- [63:24]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [63:26]
Tom Bilyeu
All right, well, then we'll tap out there. Okay, guys, thank you so much for joining us. This was a great episode. I really enjoyed this one. Hope you guys did as well as always. If this content is adding value to your life, please do share it. And if you haven't yet checked out the cheroic podcast with Lisa Bilyu and Cassie ho, be sure to check it out. It is amazing. You guys are gonna love it.
- [63:49]
Lisa Bilyeu
And please follow us on our socials at bchero Nice everywhere.
- [63:54]
Tom Bilyeu
And I'll bite her eyes later because she should have also reminded you guys to follow her at. At lisabilleu.
- [64:00]
Lisa Bilyeu
So you need to teach my nita. I'm not with them yet.
- [64:04]
Tom Bilyeu
Lisabilleu. Amazing social content. She's even going to be on Twitter. It's gonna be amazing. So thank you guys so much for being a part of this community. It means the world. If you haven't already subscribed here, be sure to do so. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care. Bye, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to stitcher rate and review us. That helps us build this community, and that is what we are all about right now, building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can, deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. Alright guys, thank you again so much and until next time. Time my friends. Be legendary. Take care.
- [64:50]
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