Balancing Masculine and Feminine Energy | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu (Replay)

Summary

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Impact Theory Podcast: “Balancing Masculine and Feminine Energy”

Hosts: Tom & Lisa Bilyeu
Release Date: March 22, 2024
Theme:
A replay episode of “Relationship Theory,” this Impact Theory episode features Tom and Lisa Bilyeu exploring the dynamics of masculine and feminine energy within relationships. Through personal anecdotes, Q&A, and honest conversation, they challenge social stereotypes, address the science and psychology of gender roles, and provide actionable insights for couples seeking more harmony, attraction, and connection.

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Episode Overview

This candid episode has Tom and Lisa fielding audience questions and sharing stories from their own marriage about how masculine and feminine energies manifest, change, and complement one another in real relationships. The hosts discuss both personal and cultural perspectives, focusing on how to maintain attraction, handle conflict, endure tough times, and support each other through change. Whether discussing hormone-driven emotions, mutual sacrifice, or daily habits, the Bilyeus offer insight into the realities and complexities of sustaining a modern partnership.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Listener Engagement and Setting the Stage

• The episode kicks off with the couple acknowledging viewer comments about watching with partners to spark discussion in their own lives. Lisa shares her recent injury and how habits (working out, gaming) intersect with relationship dynamics.
  [03:07] Lisa: “If you were working out with an injury... and it stopped us having fun, I'd be a little mad at you.”

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2. Masculine & Feminine Energy Polarity in Relationships

Main Audience Question:
"How important is masculine and feminine energy polarity in your relationship?"
— Ibrahim Elgol
[04:44]

a. Personal Dynamics

• Tom: Recognizes both he and Lisa deviate from gender stereotypes, with Lisa exhibiting some more traditionally “masculine” traits (business-minded, less emotionally volatile) and Tom being more emotionally expressive.
  • “You’re more masculine than the typical woman and I am more feminine than the typical man... but we do maintain polarity.” [05:03]
• Lisa: Points out the importance of discussing and renegotiating these roles as a couple grows, especially as career and life demands shift:
  • “Being in business has hardened me… I don’t have time, I don’t prioritize [nurturing tasks] anymore.” [07:35]

b. On Hormones and Emotional Cycles

• Both discuss how hormonal cycles affect emotional perception, praising Lisa’s awareness and self-regulation.
  • Lisa: “I never wanted to use tears or emotion as a way to get what I want... So that, I guess, feminine side I've tried to push away, because I don't think it serves me.” [08:25]
  • Tom: “Estrogen inflames the deep limbic system... you’re not subject to that very much, so you don’t have peaks and valleys emotionally.” [06:17]
• The couple discusses their communication strategy during hormonal/emotional fluctuations, with Lisa articulating when she needs more support.
  • Lisa: “Sometimes now I'll say… I recognize I'm a little touchy today, I need you to be extra sweet.” [11:24]

c. Societal Trends & Evolutionary Roles

• Tom argues that both nature and nurture determine behavior, and highlights the evolutionary basis for masculine/feminine roles—even if modern relationships require more nuance.
  • “There is something sexy about a man who’s prepared to stand up, be tough…” [13:00]
• Both agree attraction can be tied to perceived ‘protection’ or assertiveness, illustrated by stories from Lisa’s youth and Tom’s efforts to become more physically and mentally resilient for Lisa’s sake.
  • Lisa: “I do find toughness, some form of aggression, quite a turn on… but not if it's unwarranted.” [16:11]

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3. Story Time: Protection, Assertiveness & Attraction

• Pub Brawl Anecdote [16:35 – 20:44]:
  Lisa recounts how her brother’s friend physically defended her from a stalker, causing a pub-wide fight—reflecting the duality of feeling protected and the problematic side of aggression.

  • Tom: “Totally animalistic, totally unacceptable… and totally intoxicating and makes you feel protected.” [19:14]

• Tom Protecting Lisa [21:52]:
  Lisa describes moments when Tom showed decisiveness/anger on her behalf, and a poignant story about their missing puppy when Tom’s certainty (“I’m getting her back.”) grounded her emotionally.

  • Lisa: “Your certainty and drive… as a partner, as a woman, I felt so protected by you.” [23:01]

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4. Q&A: Implementing Relationship Habits

a. Going to Bed Together & Leading by Example [28:18]

• Tom and Lisa explain the value of synchronized routines for emotional connection, not just ambition.
  • Tom: “Us falling asleep together… highly tactical oxytocin releasing, vasopressin moment…” [30:10]
  • Lisa: “We realized... those were the moments that mattered.” [30:23]
• The importance of positive reinforcement when encouraging new habits in a partner.
  • Lisa: “How do you encourage it? What are the incentives, what makes her feel appreciated?” [32:06]

b. Scariest Experiences as a Couple [34:53]

• Both discuss Lisa’s serious and ongoing health issues (digestive struggles), the emotional toll, feelings of helplessness, impact on their dynamic, and the importance of explicit communication.
  • Tom: “There was a real sense of helplessness... The I-want-to-solve-problems and you-just-want-to-be-heard is a constant issue.” [41:10]
  • Lisa: “I was very aware of how that could potentially change our relationship… we need to discuss this.” [43:00]

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5. On Mutual Sacrifice—Concrete Examples

Audience Q:
"How do you employ mutual sacrifice on a daily/weekly basis? What specifically do you do?"
— Joe Cross [49:47]

• Tom & Lisa get granular:
  • Lisa makes Tom breakfast even during busy days.
  • Tom takes the ‘less desirable’ showerhead, sits at the dining table for Lisa, handles late-night alarms, deals with physical discomforts so Lisa doesn’t have to.
  • They sacrifice quality time for each other’s ambitions.
  • They differentiate between sacrifices the other wants versus those that fulfill their own identity—emphasizing the importance of clear communication to avoid unappreciated or unneeded gestures.
    • Lisa: “People feel they’re making sacrifices… sometimes it's a sacrifice the other person doesn't want.” [55:04]
    • Tom: “Give the gift the other person will actually be able to receive because they want it.” [55:14]

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6. Feedback and Expressing Unappreciated Feelings

Audience Q:
"How do you tell your partner you feel unappreciated without them feeling attacked?"
— Carmen Cruz [58:45]

• The Compliment Sandwich: Start with positive feedback, deliver the difficult message, end with positivity.
  • Lisa: “I know you love me, I know you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but you did. It would be great if you could say it this way…” [60:46]
• Timing and Rules of Engagement:
  • Wait until both people are open and receptive.
  • Agree on how feedback is to be delivered; don’t let issues build up.
  • Tom: “There are moments where they’re open… like, now’s the time to give me something you’ve been feeling for a while.” [61:28]
• Be Explicit About Desired Behaviors:
  • Lisa: “Keys to the Kingdom: ...tell them what would be really meaningful for you, so now I know what to do.” [66:45]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Emotional Cycles:

  “Using, like, ‘I’m on my period’ as an excuse to be a bitch is just…not productive.”
  — Lisa [11:33]

• On Assertiveness & Safety:

  “There is something sexy about a man who’s prepared to stand up, to be tough, to be heard… In a typical male-female relationship, to not have that…would be a mistake.”
  — Tom [13:00]

• On Navigating Hard Times:

  “It’s not fun to be with someone who’s mopey all the time.”
  — Lisa [45:31]

• On Communication:

  “Don’t wait until I can’t do anything to fix it to tell me about it... that used to wind me up.”
  — Tom [67:16]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 04:44 — Audience Q: The Role of Masculine & Feminine Energy
• 11:01 — How Tom & Lisa Navigate Hormones in Relationships
• 16:11 — Attraction and Assertiveness (Protection Stories)
• 21:52 — Tom’s Story: Missing Puppy & Emotional Certainty
• 28:49 — Audience Q: Encouraging Partner to Change Habits (Bedtime Routines)
• 34:53 — Scariest Experiences & Health Struggles as a Couple
• 49:47 — Audience Q: Mutual Sacrifice – Daily Examples
• 58:45 — Audience Q: How to Express Feeling Unappreciated Without Blame

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Tone & Style

The tone is honest, playful, sometimes self-deprecating, and always focused on building awareness, trust, and practical solutions. The episode is a mix of intimate storytelling, scientific insight, and specific, implementable relationship advice typical of the Bilyeus’ candid, growth-oriented style.

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Key Takeaways

• Masculine/feminine energy polarity matters, but is flexible and best handled through honest, ongoing communication.
• Shared habits and rituals (e.g., synchronized bedtime) build intimacy over time.
• Addressing strong emotions and hormonal swings requires self-awareness, explicit communication, and agreed ‘rules of engagement.’
• Mutual sacrifice is built on small, daily gestures that matter to your partner — not just what’s meaningful for you.
• To express feeling unappreciated, choose your moment, use positive framing, and tell your partner what you need going forward.
• Sustaining a robust relationship means continually renegotiating roles as you both evolve, and being explicit about your emotional states, needs, and boundaries.

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Transcript

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[Tom Bilyeu]

You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory. Hey, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Relationship Theory. I am your co host Tom Bilyeu and I am here with the lovely and esteemed Lisa Bilyeu. It feels weird that you made me

[Lisa Bilyeu]

say my own name. I don't know why.

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right, from now on, I will say it. No problem.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, so let's go with. Actually, I want to start with a few comments.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So coming on YouTube from John D. Gates. I'm watching this with my girlfriend. Please make this a regular segment. I love that they were. That they're watching it together.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, actually we've gotten a lot of comments like that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Which is pretty cool.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Hopefully it starts conversations amongst them.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like that's. You know what I love hearing that

[Tom Bilyeu]

would be coming

[Lisa Bilyeu]

from your fitness hero. So open. Love it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Bam. Nice.

[Tom Bilyeu]

There we go.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. All right, so let's go with a question from.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Were you going to tell people what happened to your wrist?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, what happened to my wrist? It's, it's just a, I think accumulation of injury and playing video games and not resting. And you're.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That you're gonna go with video games on that one. My wife works out like a demon. It actually gives me not anxiety, but like if I had to match you rep for rep. Oh, God, that does not sound like fun. Like you're in the David Goggins realm of working out, which I don't play in that realm, which I cannot wait for you guys to see that episode, by the way. Absolutely phenomenal. That Guy blew me away, but my wife is insanely hardcore in the gym. I'm convinced that we have a gym problem.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, you think?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. Yes. As you play video games essentially once a week, I would say that that is not the culprit. And you didn't play this week, which was heartbreaking, by the way.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I didn't play this week. I had to take it off. But I did work out.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes. So. But hey, priorities.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You know what's interesting, though, because I actually thought about that. I thought if you were working out with an injury, but it's that injury that wasn't allowing me and you to have fun. Like, I'd be a little mad at you.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You were super chilled this morning, though. Better. But isn't it weird how you put sudden, like, I guess, judgment on the other person, but you wouldn't necessarily do it yourself? It's terrible. Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. Like, everything feels differently internally.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Because I'd say, like, why on earth are you working out? You just had an entire weekend where you couldn't have fun, and now you're going to the gym and working out. But, hey, I woke up this morning, I was like, what are the ways that I could work out without, you know, using my. It was actually quite interesting, though. I had, like, straps around my wrists and I was doing, like, back, but I was, like, pulling it with my arm. So. Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Makes you be inventive.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Or like, just the general rule of, like, to train your brain. Use your other hand.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So I've been doing that all week. Like, brushing your. Your hair or your teeth with your left hand is really difficult.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It's, like, so out of coordination. And anyway.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, so let's go to. I'm not seeing any live comments. It doesn't look on my end like we're live, but I'll keep going. Cindy says otherwise. All right, so let's go to a question from Facebook from last week.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

This question is from Ibrahim Elgol.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yep.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Love, Ibrahim. I think El Galad. Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Ibrahim.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. What's up? How important is masculine and feminine energy polarity in your relationship? Tony Robbins speaks about how this is important in keeping the attraction spark alive, just like an electrical socket.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So you're going to jump in on that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

We need to answer first.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So I think that it's really, really important. And I will add to that, though, that I think one of the things that's really worked well for us is I never know how to say this, like, in a way that doesn't make me uncomfortable. So this is me worried about me. But I think you're more masculine than the typical woman and I am more feminine than the typical man. So I think that's also helped us, but very much. We have the division of masculine and feminine energy. But I'm not like what I'll call the typical pub brawler type. I'm not the guy that gets in random ass fights. I am not the guy that is shut down emotionally, that has trouble artificially articulating feelings and things like that. And that's very much helped. And then you. Oh God. I know that when you stereotype, I always get myself in trouble. But you don't have some hyper feminine responses to things. I think you're a little more down the middle so you don't get, you don't get teary and there's no like back. I really am. Because it's. Yeah, here's the truth. Like you don't get emotional, you don't. I know too much about the brain. Here's the truth. Estrogen inflames the deep limbic system. And so as people go through their period cycle, this is how I should have just explained it in the beginning. As women go through their period cycle, the deep limbic system inflames and perceives things more negatively than it otherwise would. You're not very subject, you're not subject to that very much. So you don't have those kinds of, um, peaks and valleys emotionally. You don't perceive things negatively that aren't meant to be negative. So that has really helped because I would have a hard time dealing with that, I think, because to me it's like there's just, you know, it's like I'm all about what makes sense to perceive it that way. Like it, you can override that. And so A, you don't have to override it because you don't have those tendencies. And then B, we've talked so much about that that I think that you would override it if you were having that problem. So I love that a lot. And that's one thing that I think is just as important as people playing a role which you and I have always seen more as alpha beta than as like masculine feminine. But I think that if you didn't have very feminine things that that wouldn't like Tony says, it wouldn't spark me in the way that it does, that you are very feminine in certain aspects. And then I'm sure vice versa is true as well.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I think that it really depends on the person what they're looking for in the partner. Right. It's. Some people may not want a woman to have or, you know, to be have a business mind. They may want someone who is more feminine, that wants to stay at home, that wants to. All they do is take care of their kids. And that's fine. It's just not me. And we had that discussion like I think we've had actually in every phase of our lives, from when we got married to starting the business to working together, of what is. What do we looking for from each other? And, you know, you've said it in the past, and it's true. It's like being in business has hardened me. It's had to harden me. And so in that I felt like a lot of. My God, the overly feminine side of me has slowed.

[Tom Bilyeu]

What do you mean by that? Nurturing?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, you know, I mean, I used to make you breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. I would set your clothes out, your gym clothes, your work clothes. You literally would get up and put your clothes on because it was just sitting there waiting for you. And that nurturing side of things, which I actually used to enjoy doing. And now it's like, I. I don't have time and I don't prioritize, and it's not important to me. And so making sure that that also wasn't important to you, so that it wasn't. You weren't turning around going, hang on a minute. I had, like, this what I wanted as a perfect wife. And now you're changing, and now you're becoming something that I'm not interested in. So we had to have that conversation about my femininity, your masculinity, and then also just, I guess growing up, I never wanted to use tears or emotion as a way to get what I want. And it's very powerful. Right? I know that if I don't cry often, but if I cried in front of you, I know how that's going to affect you. Right? We've been together long enough that I know that it starts breaking your heart, that you would probably give in, that you would not give in, but you would back off. You would be like, okay, babe, I hear it. You know, like, you would try to soften me, like, make it okay, but that doesn't actually resolve the issue. And you're doing it because your emotions feel bad for me. You're not doing it because you actually. We're actually coming to a conclusion of that argument. And so many times and you've called me out on this Many times I'll be. Will get in a heated discussion or something and I'll get super emotional, but I turn away and I turn away and you're like, why? You know, I could tell you're crying, like, and. But it's just, I never want that as a manipulation. And I'm very aware of that. And I think so many women do it because it ends up bringing the defenses of the guy down. Right? Because if you're pushing back and you're fighting with me and we're arguing and then I cry and you like, you know, oh, okay, yeah, I hear it. Yes, the argument has maybe subsided, but that issue is still going to be there. And so I recognize that using that emotion to manipulate you isn't the. Isn't a long term solution. So. So that, I guess, feminine side to me I've definitely tried to almost push away because I don't think it serves me. But yeah, when I get hormones and you know, like any woman, I try to recognize those hormones. And we've had many discussions before where you're like trying to politely say to me, is it the time of month?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Because you're not acting like yourself.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right? So you know who I am. And you're saying, I'm not acting like myself. And so it's that like, yeah, it is like the emotions feel right. But you're right, I'm a little more edgy today or I'm a little more frustrated than I would normally be. And so, okay, it must be my hormones. Don't use that as an excuse. Right? Because using like, oh, I'm on my peers and excuse to be a bitch is just like, that's not productive. So sometimes now I'll say to you, hey, babe, like, I recognize that I'm maybe a little touchy today. And so because I recognize that I need you to be extra sweet to me. And so I'll just articulate what I need, you'll be aware of it. And then we get to a place where we can communicate without my hormones, like, making me crazy.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And then let's, you know, going back to Ibrahim's point about what Tony Robbins is talking about, I. And I'll just speak from a guy's perspective. Sometimes you got to be tough. Like, there's just no two ways about it. And we've gotten. I was reading this article about the. I can't. This is gonna be hard for me to say, the feminization of like, boys, especially, like, boys are rough and tumble boys. And they. There are no absolutes. But for the most part, boys are rough and tumble. They like, aggressively. They hit each other. You know, there's just like they're. If you think about animals and the way that they roughhouse, they're literally learning how to stalk and hunt and be aggressive and all that. And the same is true of the male of the species. And you know, how much of it is socialization and how much of it is nature. Like, I'm just of the camp that nature and nurture both play a massively powerful role. And to say that men and women don't have differences. And, I mean, let's go with the easy one. Hormonally, like, you can say, I don't think it's true there are differences in the brain structures. But even just hormonally, no one is going to argue that there is a massively different cascade for women than there is for men. Those hormones have a reason, and the reason is that they generate different behaviors. So you can take a woman and inject her with a ton of testosterone, she's going to act fundamentally differently than if you inject her with a bunch of estrogen. And the same is true vice versa for men. So that's a long way of. I know how politically charged this is, so. But I think that what Tony's talking about is all the PC bullshit aside, at the end of the day, there is something sexy about a man who's prepared to stand up, to be tough, to be heard to say, like, this is the line. Don't cross it. And I think that in a traditional or typical, Maybe is a less charged way of saying it in a typical male female relationship, to not have that for the guy not to display that would be a mistake. And I'll say it's a mistake from an evolutionary perspective, certainly, because at the end of the day, there is the role of the aggressor, the dominant, the protector, all of that wrapped up in that. And if you're not doing things, like, one of the things I think that I did that was very beneficial for our relationship was starting to hit the gym, having to exert power, like physical power, and having to develop physical prowess, which is not something that I come to naturally. So all of that, like, really rooted me in masculinity and forced me to do things that were aggressive. And the whole thing we've already talked about where I would imagine someone attacking you and that I had to be strong enough to overpower them. And, like, what that does in the. Like to me psychologically and the way that that grounded Me in being able to stand up for myself. And that is powerful. And I think that in today's society, like we're going more and more towards the middle and I think that that can be a dangerous place to be now. At the same time, I would much rather have to teach a kid to toughen up than to be sensitive. And so if we had a son, I would spend way more of my time talking about empathy, talking about how to encourage people to make them feel safe. Like all of those things which are I think maybe harder for a guy to come by naturally. And you know, part of that is just that that's exactly what it was for me. I had to learn to toughen up. But that feels much more something that you can do through mechanistic things. You can go to the gym, you can force yourself to suffer. One of the things that I got asked is. So by the way, I've decided that the fast that I'm going to do, the three day fast, summer ready, if anybody's interested, is going to be the. We release a David Goggins episode on Tuesday, right?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Correct.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So I'll start the fast Sunday night technically. So Sunday night I'll have my last meal. That'll begin the three day fast. So mid. The hardest day is always day two for me. And so day two will happen right as the David Goggins episode drops, which will help me stay focused because that man is such a badass. But in doing that kind of suffering and toughening up and all of that, I feel that I have things like that, things like the gym, things like changing my physique, all of that. Have definitely if I hadn't done it, I think that you would want for it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And I think that that's kind of the, the thing that we try to communicate all the time is what are you looking for? So I do find toughness, some form of aggression, quite a turn on.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like I, I do like seeing that now. I don't like seeing if it's unwarranted and you know, pub rules and stuff like that. Like, I'm not interested, but seeing you lift weights.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Can we. I'm gonna stop you right there and we're gonna tell the pub brawl story. Do you know what story I'm talking about?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

The one with my brother.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes. And Savio.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So what was that like for me? And be honest because you have so remind. Tell people the story. You can leave out names other than the two that we've already mentioned.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So but break this down because this this left a mark on my psyche and I thought, whoa, I need to be prepared for that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I don't know what I did, but I'll tell the story. So it's quite a long story, so I'll shorthand, cut it short. There was a guy, and he kept calling me. I was 17, eight. It must have been 18, because I was in the pub legally. And there was a guy who just kept texting me and texting me, wouldn't leave me alone. I was very hon about that. I wasn't interested. He wouldn't give up. I was in a pub one day, and my brother and his friend there was a big. So he. His friend's Italian. There was a big soccer match, and

[Tom Bilyeu]

he's one of those guys. Like, he is a tough nut.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, he's super.

[Tom Bilyeu]

He is not for play. Great guy. So loving. So loving.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But, whoa, I would not want to cross him, right?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So he. It was like the World cup or something like that. And Italy had just lost, and he was in the worst mood ever. And he was there. He was like. He's like a brother to me. So I walk in, I sit with him, we start talking, and the guy who was kind of somewhat stalking me walks in. And I was like, oh, God, here he goes. Like, I can't believe he's here. And of course, my brother's friend turns around, like, which one is he? And because I said, like, he was literally like my older brother. So he was always very protective. And so I was like, it's him over there. Just thinking, like, maybe he's going to go give him some harsh words, which I kind of wanted because it was starting to get a little, like, freaked out. This guy wouldn't leave me alone. And so my brother's sitting there, but he. He doesn't really hear the story. So I tell his friend, he gets up, and he literally just jumps across the table and punches him in the face. And so then one of his friends gets up, jumps on him. My brother jumps in, and it became the entire pub, like, just starts fighting. And there's tables being thrown, there's glasses being thrown. And I'm like. Like, I actually felt really bad because I didn't mean for it to God cause that much of a trouble.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But, yeah, I don't know. So what. Where were you going with that story?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Because you felt protected?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, I definitely felt like.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And this is one of those. I am not justifying the man's behavior. It is crazy to leap across the table and punch somebody in the Face, even if they are stalking. Like, that's crazy town.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

However, having said that, I totally understood why. All right, this guy is scaring me. He's stalking me. He shows up at this bar. Like, he's literally. He's not leaving me alone. It's escalating. And I'm truly now getting freaked out and scared. And one sentence to this guy, and all of a sudden, like, he doesn't hem and ha. He gets up and punches the guy in the face. Like, totally animalistic, totally unacceptable behavior, and at the same time, totally intoxicating and makes you feel protected. And that. That duality I found so fascinating because that is not me. I would never do that. Like, that is so outlandish and crazy. But even I love that about Savio. I love that there are people who you just know like that. And I'm obsessed with this wolf thing. It goes back to the wolf notion of somebody's the enforcer. And I didn't know this about hockey, but there's actually a guy on the ice who. His role is not to score. It's not to pass. It's to punish people who go and play too rough with the Wayne Gretzky or whoever it is that's meant to be scoring the goals. And they call him the enforcer. And they're the guys that check people into the glass and throw them around and get into the fights. And what keeps everybody in balance is knowing there's an enforcer. And that was one of those things because, like, I am not, certainly not by nature the enforcer type even. I. Like, there's something kind of cool about it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And the moments that you have shown that. And look, I definitely. I think I encourage that in you. Not. Not to be, like, overly aggressive, but I like. You know, I think every woman likes to feel protected and likes to feel like they can turn to someone if they're really, truly scared. And in those moments, do you show up? Right. That's really the question. And you have. And those were the moments where, like, God, I was really proud. I was a little scared. So you told the story recently about when we went to the doctors and I had 103 fever. They wouldn't see me because of my insurance, wouldn't take me. And you lit like, I'd never seen you that angry before. And I even was like, you need to calm down, like, because, like, they're literally about to arrest you. So I'm thinking they're about to arrest you. I have 103 fever. I can't Drive home. Like, you're. I'm gonna have to now bail you out. Like, all these things are going through my mind. But even then, there was that little bit of. He's. He's gonna make sure I'm okay, right? No matter what. And, look, aggression isn't the right way to do it, but even. In fact, can I tell a story about when Wiki went missing?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Sure.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So a lot of people may already know or you may not. Our little puppy went missing just before Christmas. And when I say missing, she escaped. So she's, like, this big. We live in a lot of trees and wilderness around us, and she just went missing. And I. We were running around. The entire team, like, the whole company shut down. We were running around trying to find her, screaming, screaming, screaming. And it was about four hours later. We hadn't seen each other because we all went off in our own direction, putting up posters and everything. And I finally saw you again after, like, four hours. So literally, she went missing. Barely saw you. And then we got together. I was hyperventilated, and I've never again. I'm not an emotional person. I was hyperventilating. I. I couldn't breathe because I thought, I've lost my daughter. Like, I. All the hideous ideas of coyotes and being stolen or being hit by a car. Like, I couldn't breathe. And when I saw you, I was just panicking, and I, you know, just, like, collapsed in your arms, and you grabbed me. And I remember this. So, like. Like, it was yesterday. You literally grabbed me. And this was only a few months ago, but. And you looked at me and you said, I will get her back. Like, you stared right in my eyes, and you said, I will do everything in my power to get her back. And it was so intense the way you did. I'm actually getting a little emotional saying it now. It was so intense the way you did it. And I believed you. And it wasn't like, oh, you're gonna magically find her. But I knew everything in a person's human power to find her. You weren't gonna stop until you were gonna do it. And that protection of, okay, like, we can't control whether she's right now getting eaten by a coyote. Right. We can't control that. But you were gonna make sure you were gonna do everything you could. And in that moment, like, as. As a partner, as a woman, like, I felt so protected by your. Your certainty and your drive and your focus on, like, I'm gonna get this done.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. And for the record, I didn't say, I'll do everything in my power to get her back. I said, I'm getting her back.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. But in my head I was like,

[Tom Bilyeu]

yeah, you gave the caveats and the outs and all that and totally reasonable. But it was, yeah, at that moment, that is, that's not a time or place for a reason. That is a time only for decisiveness and getting something done. And, and that really is an echo of that thing that I've spent years because that's not me by nature. So that's me, you know, for years, thinking about stories like the Savio story, thinking about what you do in moments like that, thinking about somebody breaking in, thinking about all those things. I can't say I ever thought about, you know, our daughter going missing, but thinking about all those things and saying, okay, how do you respond? Like, what happens in that moment? It reminds me of the story that Jared told the other day where we were on a plane and he was some. I forget how it came up, but it was like, you know, if something happened and somebody tried to hijack the plane or whatever, and I turned, he was joking and I turned to him in deadly seriousness and was like, no, this is exactly what we do. This is how we'd handle it. And because I've rehearsed things like that so many times to make sure that I show up, to make sure that whatever natural impulse I had to turn and run in the opposite direction is just overwhelmed by preparation mentally.

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[Tom Bilyeu]

So yes, Tony Robbins is absolutely on the money with masculine and feminine energy. And in fact, like this weekend, when last night on Sunday nights, I Get so tired. So weird. I don't know why, but Sunday nights, I'm always just like around 7 o', clock, I just want to go to bed. And last night I just wanted to lay my head in your lap and be pet.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Can you tell them what you said? It was quite funny.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It's funny to us. This is going to get a hate mail. I said, I wish that you were my concubine or something instead of my wife so I could just be selfish because I actually wouldn't let you do that because I felt so selfish.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But the funny thing is, I said, if you want back tickles, I'll give you back tickles. Like, come on, come on. And you're like, no, I can't be selfish.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, it's not that I can't be selfish. I had already gone up to my limit of how willing I am to be selfish over the weekend. My wife cooks every meal for me on the weekends. Makes me these amazing protein and fat nachos, which are just delicious beyond all comprehension. And you'd made me, I think, five sets of nachos over the weekend.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I did.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It was unbelievable. So I had just reached my threshold of what I'm willing to ask of you. So. But yeah, it was. So being nurtured like that is very meaningful. You cooking for me all the time on the weekends is very meaningful. You being very sweet. Like, all of those things really are, like, electric. Okay. We spent a lot of time on that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. So, guys watching live. Please share this video to be entered to win a douche shirt.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, they can pick your impact theory. Whichever.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, whichever one. So please, please share this video if it's bringing you guys value. Also, please submit some questions. We're answering live right now. So we have a few questions.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So let's get to them. Let's get ready to rumble. All right, there is a question from last week that I do want to ask at some point today.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Let's get to the people that are here.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, exactly. Totally agree. Okay. This is from Daniel Breeze. Thank you, Daniel, for your question. Hey, guys. I've become much more ambitious because of all your advice, and I'm implementing certain habits, like going to sleep early in order to wake up feeling good. However, I always have to push my girlfriend to do things like going to bed early. And though she does it, I know she doesn't want to. Any advice?

[Tom Bilyeu]

One. I think that leading by example is always the right way to lead somebody. And I wouldn't necessarily, like, force you the way that we started Going to bed at the same time was wanting to live a synchronized life. And so it was focusing on what we wanted to get out of it. Because she may not be ambitious like that. She may not want to wake up super early. So for us, and that was where we were at the time, you weren't working, so it didn't really matter for you. But for us to be living a synchronized life, to grow together, and these are things you have to do with a high degree of intention. They will not happen by accident. We were very terrified of anything that was from a time and physical way pulling us apart. So if you get out of sync on shifts and one person's working the night shift and the other person's working the day shift, like, I can't think of anything worse for your relationship. There just is no substitute for proximity, being together, sharing experience. And so us falling asleep together, especially because you always lay your head on my chest for us to fall asleep together, like, there's a highly, highly tactical oxytocin releasing, like, vasopressin moment of that brain chemistry of being together. And so that was important to us.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That wasn't how we started. It was. We realized over time that because we weren't spending much time together, those were the moments that mattered. And so we then started prioritizing the me falling asleep on your chest to get that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Are you saying that we didn't go to bed together in the beginning? I don't remember.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Just sometimes. Yeah, like, yeah, because you started going to bed earlier and earlier. And if there were days where I didn't, it was like, oh, there's this. This connection that we're not quite feeling. And I think it was because I wasn't falling asleep on your chest, or

[Tom Bilyeu]

at least not at the same time, not sharing that experience. Yeah. So we made a point of that to make sure that we were going to bed at the same time for the relationship rather than for the ambition, if that makes sense. So the. The hour that we went to bed was a function of the ambition, but the fact that we were going to bed together was a function of the relationship. And just because. And maybe this is just me, but understanding, like, the neurochemistry of it, of you falling asleep on my chest and all that. And by the way, in the beginning, I hated that. So for guys that are out there, that are like, oh, but you know, I really don't like it. It's like, yeah, neither did I, but. But it was something that at first it was like, okay, we'll lay on my chest for a few minutes, and then we'll separate and fall asleep. And then it's like one time you were like, oh, you actually fell asleep while I was still on your chest. And then it was like I started having trouble falling asleep if you weren't on my chest. And so, yeah, I mean, for me, it's like, do and believe that, which moves you towards your goals. So if you've got relationship goals and you want to be coming together more, just understanding the neurochemistry of a nice cuddle, like, is so that's. That's the reality. And so even though in the beginning it actually made it harder for me to fall asleep, we found a way to have that physical, tactile experience and then part and then we would fall asleep, and then you start getting used to it. And so I would frame it that way. I would talk about that with her, see how that makes her feel like, you know, from a just pure relationship perspective, you know, and then hopefully that helps you guys.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Because, I mean, even in the phrasing, I always have to push my girlfriend to do things like going to bed early. How do you encourage that? I think is a big thing. Right. So instead of her feeling like she's being pushed or she's being trapped to have to do these things, how do you encourage it? What are the incentives, what are the things that she loves doing that you're like, I don't really want to do that. So that you can then, sorry, there's a fly. So that you can then do it in return. Right. So then she starts seeing, like, oh, my God, just by me going to bed early with him, like, I got random flowers at work, like, whatever that that thing is for her that makes her feel appreciated. Because then she's going to want to do it more. She's going to come to bed with you more. Now you're not feeling like you're having to push her. And so being that little shift and then being on that same page where she's like, oh, my God, of course I want to come to bed with you, because she knows that you're always going to do something sweet like wake up the next morning, make a coffee or whatever it is, she's going to want to do that, and that brings you closer together, that makes you not feel like you're trapping her. She then feels like she's really excited to do it. And then it gets you guys on that same page.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Really good point. So find out or behavior you want more of.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Exactly. So find out. What that thing is from her. And then encourage, encourage and thank her. Right. It's like when we were playing video games just that one time, I didn't want to play video games, but you were so sweet and excited that I was going to play video games with you afterwards. You were like. That was so meaningful to me. Like, I really want you to know how much that I appreciate that. And then in that response, made me want to do it again. Because you didn't take it for granted. I didn't feel like I was being pressured or trapped because I. My personalities. I don't like doing things I don't want to do. So if you're going to force me or pressure me, like, that's not necessarily a winning solution.

[Tom Bilyeu]

My wife is very stubborn.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Excuse me. Stubborn. All right, so let's get another question. Okay, let's find one. Okay. I'm gonna go back to that question from last week till we get some more submissions. Okay. This is from Carrie. I can never pronounce her name, and I always feel bad because she's always like, she's a hardcore fan. Thank you, Carrie. Copied Lansky. Gore Gomley, Gromley. Yes. It's the middle name as well that got. Oh, maybe it's not middle name. Hyphen. Thank you. This is about last week's episode. Thank you for a great episode, Lisa. The Female Brain has to be one of the best books ever. Yeah. It's really helped not only me, but many of my friends understand their husbands and themselves better.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

What's one of the scariest experiences you've had as a couple? So I was really thinking about this.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

What comes to mind for you?

[Tom Bilyeu]

It's the as a couple thing. I'm not sure I'm interpreting it. Right. The scariest thing we've been through is wookie going missing.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So without question.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But if you've thought about it, maybe you've got something more relational.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Well, so I think. Yeah, so I thought it was the Wookiee thing, but then when I switched it to maybe not the scariest thing, but what was like, one of the most difficult times in our relationship, I was like, okay, that's actually really interesting because that was something. It was. It's. It's actually still ongoing.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So I've been battling health issues for the last two years, two and a half maybe now, where I just can't digest food properly. And so about two years ago, if I got, like, a stomach bug. I've had stomach issues for 10 years or so. But that stomach bug pushed, technically, intestinal. Intestinal issues, yeah. It pushed me over the edge to the point where I literally could. And so in not being able to eat, I wasn't getting the right nutrients. My nails were breaking, my hair was falling out. I couldn't stand up for long. We went to so many doctors. You took me to, you know, countless doctors at this point, and I just couldn't eat. Couldn't eat out. And that was really tough because you were, you know, I mean, you were running a company quest was as big as it had ever been. And I needed you to be there for me with doctor's appointments. But I also understood that you had this business to run and so you couldn't give your life over to that to, you know, just every day having to deal with my stomach. But it was so. It was such a daily thing for me. Right. Like, every morning I'd wake up, stomach cramps. Every time I would eat, stomach cramps. And it affected everything, affected my moods. So when you were home, I wasn't probably very nice to be around because my hormones were just out of whack. And you were so understanding. You never put pressure on me. But it was really tough, I think, for both of us. I didn't really feel really like a beautiful woman anymore. Right. Like, I couldn't be very sexual. I couldn't stand up for long. Even just you hugging me sometimes. The pressure on my stomach was really bad. And I was still going to work every day, and so. And so were you. So I was going to work every day. You were being my boss, as, you know, we had established was the, you know, the right move. So you and my boss. I wasn't necessarily probably performing to my highest ability. And so you were coming at me with as, like, the boss. Why aren't we getting this done? And I'm just like, breaking down every two minutes in emotion. And you'd have to then come home and we'd have to deal with that. That was really tough.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But obviously, from a husband perspective, what do you. What was going on with you that. Because obviously from my. You were so supportive with me. Like, you never put any pressure on me as a husband to, like, but I need this. And you were like, baby, if you're not feeling well, you should sit down. Like, do you want me to get this? But that's like a year. You were doing that for a year.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Stomach or digestive issues are terrifying because the science just isn't there. And people don't really understand how to solve the problem and it's so hopelessly complicated that that was the big frustration for me was just feeling helpless to solve the problem. And it was. Yeah, I mean, it's one of those. I get how people get themselves in relationship trouble when there's an overwhelming problem where. When you're the one going through it, but you're turning to the other person like, hey, you're not suffering like, I'm suffering. Solve this fucking problem. And then when you're the one charged with solving the problem and it's so massive and so complicated and science doesn't even understand it, and people are arguing about what works, and half of what you're reading online sounds like voodoo. The other half you don't understand. And I understand this stuff, like, at a high level. So for me to be like, jesus, I'm in over my head. Like, I would have to go get a doctorate in this stuff just to, like, really understand what I'm reading. So there was a real sense of helplessness. And that's, you know, one of those times where my mindset has come to my aid in my most difficult times. And so I would ask myself, does feeling paralyzed help me? No. Okay, well, then let's not feel paralyzed. And what are the mechanizations that are going to help me to keep moving forward? What are the things that I know? What are the areas that I have that can help? And so just started sort of going through it systematically to try and figure out a solution from leaning on the Quest R and D team, which was miraculous.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, my God, they saved my life.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No question. The things that they understood about the microbiome, which really made that sort of the focus of our attention. And then, you know, knowing about ketogenics and all of that, and really sort of, that was the one time where I really put my foot down and stuff, said, fucking do it. Like, we just. We've gotten out of the woods with what we had done in R and D, but we hadn't gotten to the point where you could live a life. And so then it just was me getting angry enough to finally say until you're like, literally. I think the quote was, don't even talk to me about this anymore until your ketones are at 1.0. And, like, I just need to see if that works or not. And that was sort of the next step. But even now, like, you know, two and change years later, it's like, I still don't feel like I've solved the problem. And I still feel like. Like, you know, I think about this a lot. Just this morning I was looking at that company viome, which is a former guest in the show and a dear friend, Naveen Jain, who started this company called viome. What they're doing is interesting. This is going to rapidly turn into a commercial. But it's. I'm interested. I don't know if it's going to be the right answer. But the way that they're sequencing the. Not only do they sequence the DNA, they sequence the RNA of the microbiome and I think they look at the viome as well. Which. Two different words. There's the

[Lisa Bilyeu]

getting super scientific.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. But it's like you can actually look at the bacteria and the viruses to find out. And then what they're looking at is what genes are expressing themselves, not just what genes they have. Which is very, very interesting approach. I have no idea if it's effective, but want to get you on that. And honestly, the thing that I keep coming back to is fecal transplant, which I did not expect to be coming up in this episode. But it's. They need a better name for it. But that may end up being the solution. But anyway, like, that's what triggers from the husband's side. Like, I fucking want to solve the problem. And this like, you want to talk about things that even you and I and I think that we think about relationships enough to be sort of at a relatively high level. The I want to solve problems and you just want to be heard is like a constant issue.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And that's on the smaller scale and little things. But on this, like, I definitely need.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You want a disillusion.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. But really, even beyond just the logistics of finding out how to solve it. Right. Like, I actually wasn't like, oh, poor me. Like, I need you to be there for me. My stomach's hurting. Like, just be here for me. I actually was very self aware of what was happening to me. But also our relationship and it's like, okay, well, you know, we can't go out to dinner anymore. And we used to love going to Vegas and doing buffets and drinking and having a giggle. Like, I can't do that anymore. And obviously, you know, like I said, being very intimate, like you had to be very careful and we couldn't do that very often. And so all these things, like, I was very aware of how that could potentially change our relationship. And so I was a bit fearful of. Not even fearful, but just I wanted to make sure that you a. You were helping me. Right. So I was very vocal about that. Like look, babe, this is very important. Can you please help? I need, you know, research or like, can you come to the doctors with me? So I was very open about that because we always say to each other, we're not mind readers. I can't read your mind. You can't read mind. So just tell each other what you actually want. But then beyond that, there's. It's a relationship. So even though I'm going through this problem, there's two of us. Us. And so you being there for me felt one sided. And so I was very aware that I needed to make sure that we were having a discussion how you're feeling. Right. And how you're doing, you know, and you were always super sweet and, you know, like, I just want to get it, you know, get you healthy. And I feel like I failed you and I really want to work on this and I have to find a solution and blah, blah. But even past that is like, how are you doing emotionally? We're not going out to dinner anymore. Do you still feel connected and we're not able to take these trips anymore. Are you okay? Like, what is that equivalent of doing something else for you that you would feel that same emotion? Okay, what? I'll, you know, like just human touch. Right? Just like cuddling and touching each other, having that holding hands, it just, it keeps something intimate between us. And I was very conscious of want, you know, kind of. Let's talk about this. We need to discuss this. And so you. And I think that's really important because when someone's going through a tough time, I think it's very easy to be so focused on you. Right? I'm going through this. I'm having a problem. People need to understand, you know, why can't you be there for me? But that's not fair because the other person is still going through that. And you had to sacrifice. Like I had to sacrifice because I didn't have a choice. Right? You sacrificed out of love and out of commitment. And that is. Yeah, I. I think it's very important to not take that for granted with each other.

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[Tom Bilyeu]

You're really good about that. Really good about that. Even in, like, the times like that where you're in pain and your life is sucking way more than mine, you would stop and say, like, it's no fun to be with somebody who's mopey all the time.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It's not. And I was mopey a lot. And I even remember, oh, God, this is really powerful. I remember once we were at work and again, like I said, like, I, I, I was like, just dizzy all the time. But I was at work. I wasn't going to, like, fail or quit that. Like, I was showing up every day no matter how I felt. And I remember one day at work, we were in your office and something had happened and everybody else had left, and it was just me and you. And I was so upset. I was, like, really emotional. And so I went into your little restroom in your office and I just started crying. I didn't want you to see it because I didn't want that to influence. Well, here I am trying to run a business and my wife's in the restroom crying. So I went in the restroom, I came back out and I thought, okay, I've got it together now. I come back out and I just fall apart again. And I was really upset with you for no reason. Like, it literally was like hormones and emotions and all the struggles. I mean, I had like these like electrobes attached to my stomach because I had swallowed a camera pill because they had to track my intent. So literally I'm walking around with like this electric pack on me, but I didn't want people aware to see. So I've got this big overcoat on. And anyway, it was just so intense and just way too much for me to handle. So I just broke down and I. But I was mad at you, right? You haven't done anything wrong, but it's when you're upset or you're mad, you kind of just project, right? So I was just projecting it all onto you and I was super upset. And I think at this point, like, I'd had a few of those. And so I think you were just like, I need to call her on it because it's not healthy for her. And I remember you saying, and this is something that, like, we don't mean disrespect for this, but this is just a trigger for us. It's like an anorex, right? An anorexic can't tell when they've got too skinny, so they can't trust what they're seeing, they can't trust their own mind. And so you basically said, baby, I love you, but you're like an anorexic. You can't see that. You're acting so outrageously emotional right now. You need to trust me. Like an anorexic, you can't see it. So, you know, as your husband, you need to trust me when I say you're acting irrational. And that's okay. Like, if you need time, if you need to go home, if you need, like, what is it that you need to get better. But let's not pretend that it's not your hormones or anything else. And so, like, in that moment, I was like, I so feel it that I want, you know, like, I want to fight back. But it's like, yeah, you know what? I trust him. I trust him and he's right. And I just need to believe that what I am thinking and what I am feeling now is completely, like, it's not my reality. So.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Truth. But, yeah, can't always trust your emotions.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, you can't trust your emotion. But having somebody who you can trust to call you on it and know that they're not just doing it to, like, it's not my fault. It's your emotions.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. And let me tell you, this is some advanced class shit right now. Like, if you try that one as a novice, you're gonna get eaten alive. So be careful with that one. Yeah, you gotta have buy in. You've gotta have talked about that. Like, we have talked about stuff like that. Given each other permission to do that, earned the trust over time. That was not like, year one in our relationship that we were.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right, sure.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So, yeah, that is. That's when you're getting your. Your doctorate in relationships, then that one may come in handy. Until then, it is a dangerous tool to wield, my friends, so beware.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It is, but it's very powerful if you can get there.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No question. No question.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Comes to trust. I think that's massive. All right, we've got another question from Joe Cross. What's up, Joe?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Dude. Joe, thank you for that artwork that you sent today. Amazing, dude. Showed it around. Everybody is flipping out. Absolutely phenomenal. We won't be talking about yet what that artwork was. Oh, I didn't see it, homie. Do you not go on slack in the morning?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Homie, I'm setting up Facebook Live.

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right, so here's the thing. You need to trust me. When you're acting crazy and you can't

[Lisa Bilyeu]

trust yourself, will anyone judge me If I throw my laptop at him just a little bit.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You need. You missed it. This is what happens. Josie, she hasn't seen your stuff. Anyway, Mr. Cross has a question.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Mr. Cross does have a question. All right. Love the idea of mutual sacrifice. How do you employ that concept on a daily or weekly basis? What specifically do you do to sac. To do. To sacrifice for each other.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Love the idea of mutual sacrifice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. So, like, I assume he means so, like, I'm gonna sacrifice certain things for you, you're gonna sacrifice certain things for me.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Is this something we've talked about before? It's like code names matter. So I've never thought of anything as sort of code name mutual sacrifice. So what are things that we sacrifice for each other? Ready? Go. Okay. So what are things that we sacrifice for each other? I mean, so relationships to me are. Are all about compromise, which you could say is sacrifice. So it is all manner of thing. I mean, so let's take God. What are ways that we sacrifice for each other? I sit in the dining room table.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I literally was about to say, you hate sitting in the dining room table.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But honestly, such like a small, petty thing.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But here's the thing, though. It's those small little things, right? And I think that that's actually really important to address. It's the small little things that add up, right? It's not necessarily the grand things. Like, at least for me, like, on a. Because he says on a daily and weekly basis. It's not like I'm sacrificing major things in my life every single day that we're together.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So he's saying, what are. What are daily, weekly sacrifices that we make for each other?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right? So it's perfect. Then how do you employ those concepts on a daily and weekly.

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right, I'm going to give you. I'm going to give you all kinds. Now that I really understand the question, we have two shower heads in our shower. We like to shower together. I always take the little shower head, and then she'll fight me for it and say, no, no, no, let me do it. So that's one thing. I believe that if physical suffering needs to be endured, that I should be the bearer of the physical suffering. So if it's cold, I would give her my jacket. If there's only one food item left, I would give it to you. Like anything that has to do with physical suffering. I. I believe, hey, in the male, female dynamic, it is for the male to suffer the physical pains and all that. If there's one chair, you should get it? Like, on and on and on. You, on the weekends, are always making my food so that I don't have to fuss, which is a big deal. I hate. Hate sitting at dining room tables. It just is what it is. But you love it, and it's over time become this bigger and bigger thing. So I will sit at the table for a while.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You know what? The whole team now start saying things like, oh, are we chewing together? Lisa? God damn you believe.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That was funny when Jared was like, okay, we're ready to sink our mandibles. That was amazing.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But it's the little things. It's the tiny little things that the other person's gonna appreciate that you do two or three times a day that makes them feel.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But let's keep giving them specifics. Okay, so what are other things? So I hate to fuss. So you do, like, virtually all of my fussing, which is massive in the business. Same thing like. Like setting up the set and all that. You do all of that sacrifice a

[Lisa Bilyeu]

lot of time with you for your.

[Tom Bilyeu]

For the ambition.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So, like, even when I'm really sick or something's going on, like, you know, our puppy was really ill. Like, there's. There's certain things where it's like. He's like, I have to do this. I have to go and do this speech. I have to go meet this person for dinner. And it's like, it's a sacrifice because I just want to be with you, and I want you to cuddle me and just make me feel better. And so it's like I'm sacrificing that, but I don't ever hold it against you because you're always sacrificing for me. You know, when it becomes. I think one side is when it becomes a real problem.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. So when the alarm goes off in the middle of the night, I'm the one that deals with it. God, let's keep going. There's so many little things that we do. Nine times out of 10, I put the babies to bed because it's like a physical thing. It's a pain in the ass. I switch the light off every night. Even though she has a light switch right next to her side of the

[Lisa Bilyeu]

bed, I can't reach it. He still gives me about this.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That would make sense.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Two light switches on either side of the bed. I can't reach because my arm's shorter, so I have to really stretch over, and it's. I start knocking over, and I.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So I'm always switching the lights off. That's A major sacrifice that I don't want to go overlooked. But it's little stuff like that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Even on shoot days when we've got big shoots, like it's a big deal on the production side of things. But I'll always stop and make you breakfast no matter what.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yep. That's a self imposed thing. Never quite understood that. But yeah, I mean, I understand it because I know you so well.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Actually. That's an interesting thing. Making sacrifices for somebody that they don't even think of as a sacrifice. But you do. What do you think?

[Tom Bilyeu]

It's not that I don't think it's a.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

No, I'm saying like other things. Right. Where you're so for instance, I think I'm making you breakfast. Like I'm sacrificing. I'm should be working, I should be doing this, but I'm gonna do something nice for him. You don't care.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, yeah. That. That's an identity thing. So for you to feel, to be able to identify as the good wife as you define it, then that breakfast, I guess because I'm prepping, you feel is like a huge expression. Because on days when I'm not prepping, you don't think about making the food. You don't make food. Sure.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But even beyond that, don't you find that people feel like they're making sacrifices and sometimes it's a sacrifice the other person doesn't even necessarily want?

[Tom Bilyeu]

100.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

What do you do in that situation?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Depends on what it is. Nine times out of 10 I would tell people give the gift the other person will actually be able to receive because they want it. But there are times for sure where to be consistent with my identity, I would need to be that way. So yeah, I mean that's just. So at that point it is irrelevant what you want. It has to do with my own identity.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But I think it's important to discuss that because if you think that you're sacrificing and you're like, all I do is sacrifice. I keep giving, I keep doing this, I keep doing that. And it's not actually something they want. So they don't even realize that you're a sacrifice. On getting frustrated because you, you feel like you're doing it. Like that can be tricky.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So why don't you answer the question as the one who does sacrificing that I patently tell you to stop doing. What's the driving force behind it?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, I mean, I think it's really having the discussion of is this for me or is this for him. Right. So now that I've recognized that. Making you breakfast on shoot days, like, you don't really care. All right, so you don't care. But no, actually, it does make me feel a certain way, and it makes me feel good about myself, and it makes me feel like, you know, back to identity, that I am the wife that I say I want to be. And so even if you don't care, like, I'm still gonna do it. But I recognize now that it's still. It's for me.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Like, to be the person you want to be. Yeah, I get it. So I think acknowledging it, not being annoyed. Like, I could see some people being annoyed that that wasn't appreciated.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But that's exactly. That's what I mean.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Hey, like, don't be annoyed with me because it's not something that I value. And I won't be annoyed with you for doing something because you value it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. You brought that to the table. Like, give the gift that the other person wants, not the gift that you want. And I think that actually came at Christmas time, where it's like, you think, oh, my God, they're going to love this, but really it's because you would love it bit.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And then you realize that they don't actually. Or so it's like, just, what is the gift that other person wants? What is the sacrifice that they are asking you to do instead of think guessing what the sacrifice is and then getting bitter. They don't recognize it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, I think we've got time for one more. Very quick one, though, because it's 1057.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wow.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. That happened quickly.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Man. Other hours in my life do not go this fast.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, I think that's a good sign, right?

[Tom Bilyeu]

It is great. I love it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, shout out from Finland and Scotland. What's up? Finland in Scotland last week we had someone from Greece, so. Yeah. Respect. Yes, yes, us. Okay, so there's a whole bunch of questions. I'm just trying. Going to try and pull one.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Dead air.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I know, I know. Some of these. Sorry, I thought we had a system

[Tom Bilyeu]

worked out where these were.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

We do. It's just sometimes there's like four of them and they're quite long, so I don't know which one to ask. Sorry.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You should have them put in order and then you just automatically read the first one. It's not your personality, though, I think.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

In fact, I really should dedicate this shirt to you which says control freak. Like, of the two of us, you are very much the control.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, that's true. So someone's asking about the Gatsby story. I don't really know it too well. Yeah, I don't know.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Gas. I've never seen it. Never read it. Yeah, no idea. All right, so off camera, shock and horror, I think was the mixture over there.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, question from Carmen Cruz. How do you tell him? So I assume this is. Is to me, how do you tell him you feel unappreciated without him feeling attacked? So let's both ways. How do you tell someone you're feeling unappreciated? Yeah, we, I think, came up with this from like screenplay writing, where you wrote a screenplay. Do you remember this?

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, I have no idea where you're headed.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So you wrote a screenplay and you gave it to me and to read. And I read it and I really liked it. But there was a couple of things that, like, oh, I'm not sure about this character, the way they act in this situation, but I loved it. And so I sit down ready to, like, give you, like, the feedback and excitement. And I start with, oh, my God, well done. But this one character, so pretty much right off the bat, you come out, you hear something negative. When you start with some negative, no matter what I say after that, how good it is, how amazing it is, you almost don't hear it. And so after kind of having like a. I think we had a bit of an argument, was like, no, like, I really love this screenplay. I don't think you're hearing me. And so it's like, well, it's because you started with the negative. So it's kind of like the. Would you call it something Sandwich.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, the sandwich. Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Well, maybe that's not what I'm firing to. But basically you start off with something positive.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right. Then you say something in the middle, and then you end on something positive, AKA the sandwich. Is that the sandwich? Okay.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Because you start with something nice. Got the in the middle, and then, yeah, you end on something positive.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So I guess that would be my response to that is, you know, if you're trying to encourage somebody, but you know that they may take it as a negative, like make them feel good about it, tell them how you interpret it. But like, do you want. Do you know that they don't mean to? Right. Because if you've said something that's actually like, hurt my feelings, instead of going like, I can't believe you said this, I say to myself, okay, I know him. I know he loves me.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Cool. Got that. So if I know he loves me, how do I help change this type of behavior that upsets me? So it just kind of like, look, I know you love me. I know you didn't mean to hurt my feelings when you said X, Y, and Z, but you did. And so it would be great if you could either phrase it like this or it would be great if you, like, how would you want them to react to you? Right. How would you want them to give you that? Whether it's criticism or something, how would you want them to say it to you? And then say, like, next time, if you really want me to hear you, this is how I. This is how I can hear it. If you say it like this and just be honest about how you want them to talk to you so that you can hear it, so that you can then change.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, I think it. You're right on the money. It's two parts. One, you need to do your best to deliver the feedback in a way that can be heard. So starting with the authentic things that you really like about something. But like, in this case, it's probably very specific to something, so it's going to be. Be perceived as, like, setting them up. If you're like, honey, I really like the way you do this. And they're going to be like, I feel the but coming. Right. So you don't want to put yourself in that situation where they just feel like it's inauthentic and you're leading with that just to, like, deliver the bad news. So I think really it's. Say it in a respectful way. Say it with the intentions of, you know, growing together, empowering them, and having rules of engagement. First of all, so that. How do you. We approach things like this? And then second, the other person has to be prepared because almost certainly if you criticize somebody, they are, at least for a brief period of time, they are going to feel attacked. That is a very natural reaction to somebody criticizing the way that you do something. And so that person has to own that they need to make that time period as short as humanly possible. I think the goal should be that it doesn't even flash across your face. That, sure, you feel the sting, but then you're immediately open and receptive to that. It takes time and practice, but that really should be the goal. And I think both parties. So, rules of engagement. How do I want you to present this information? Some people may want it as sort of fast and blunt. Get to the point. Like, but that should Be something that's discussed in the relationship and then like, for me, I just want to know like, not ne. If it's a creative work of art, then yes, I want to like, because as you're going through it with creative stuff, there's a sense of I can't trust myself. So now I'm only going to be digesting external feedback, which means I'm going to be judging like percentage, right? And so if we know that there's a 5 to 1 ratio between it takes 5 comments to balance one negative. It's like if you felt sort of 50, 50, then you still have to deliver 5 to 1, right? To really get that emotional feeling across. So. But if it's a non creative work and it's like we're just trying to figure something out in the relationship, it's. I want to present this and I will say timing is everything. And you know, there are moments in a relationship where they're open and receptive to that. And I remember we went through a phase in the beginning where it was like, we would be in such a positive place and I would be in such a good mood or you'd be in such a good mood or whatever. It's like, hey, I'm really receptive right now to any, like, anything in the relationship that you're feeling. I feel so confident and secure right at this moment. Like, now's the time to give me something that you've maybe been feeling for a while. While. And so we always refer to it as giving the keys to the kingdom. Like, tell the other person how to reach you in difficult moments. Tell the other person when a good moment is for something like that, and then deliver it in a way that is tactful and not aggressive and not meant to be hurtful. A lot of times people stay quiet on something for so long. In fact, I know we're running out of time. But I have a great example. There's something I've been meaning to tell you forever, but because we're so rarely in the gym at the same time time. This is so stupid. And every time I. The reason I don't tell you is because it's so dumb. But it's like now it's like the perfect example. So we have a treadmill in the gym and it has two like little cup holders, right? And so I consider the right cup holder mine and the left cup holder yours. But every morning I come in and your gloves are in my right cup holder, so I have to move them to the left one. So I can put my water down. And every time I think I really need to tell her, like, that I consider that to be like, this. Yeah, this, like, thoughtless. Like, that's my cup holder. So things like that, where instead of, like, saying it at a moment where you're like, the actual bitterness is, you know, inside of you. Like, because I could see myself if we walked into the gym at the same time and your gloves are my cup holder, I'd be like, why do you always put it in my cup holder? But now it's like, if you're. There's levity and. But now you know. Right. So now it's like, okay, I'm probably not going to see the gloves and the cup holder on the right. Many. Right. I probably won't see any. But, like, finding the timing and just really nailing that and being cognizant of what really matters and what doesn't. Don't let something build up. Say it before it becomes an issue. Be tactful.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Because it's like, basically, how do you, you know, let them know that you're unappreciated without you feeling attacked? It needs to be when your guard appreciated. That's actually when your guard is down. Right. It has to be when you're not, like. Because that's. We've really got. Got good at that, I think, where like, if there's, like, if I'm frustrated or you're frustrated, like, we won't actually talk about it in that moment because immediately, like, we're both coming at it with walls up. You can't hear me, I can't hear you. Nothing productive comes of it. We never find a solution. But at least for me, I know myself. And I know once. If I can walk away, if I can ask myself that question. Does he love you? Yes. Does he mean to make you feel unappreciated? No. Okay. I can calm myself down. I remind myself of those two things. Then we'll sit down. We'll have it, like, maybe when we're at dinner or like, at something where it's. We're super open, we're super relaxed. And then I say in a calm way, like, look, I know you didn't mean to. I know you love me, but it would be awesome if you could do this next time. Just, like, it just made me feel really, you know, unappreciated.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's a big thing. So keys to the kingdom, right? So you would say something like that. I know you love me. I know you didn't mean it. But one thing that'd be really meaningful, if I cook you a meal. Like. Like even just a kiss on the cheek would mean the world to me. So you're telling me what behavior you want from me and then it's like, ah, now I know what to do. Whereas. And I remember in the beginning of our relationship it was always, don't wait. This is random. And not necessarily about appreciation, but like, don't wait until I can't do anything to fix it to tell me about it. Yeah, that used to wind me up. Right. So it'd be like I would find out like. Like let's say we went on vacation. This is made up. But let's say we'd gone on a vacation and you really wanted there to be flowers in the room when we arrived or something. And you tell me when we got home, I really wanted there to be flowers. Well, now I can't do anything to fix it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And now you just feel shitty. Now you feel like you. You.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right. We're way over. We should do a whole episode about that, which is actually really, really interesting. Thank you guys so much for joining us as always and for submitting the questions which we love. And it's actually fun for us to get these unique questions, things and that have a nuance that maybe we haven't discussed before. And so for that we're very, very grateful. If this content added value to your life, please share it. And if you haven't already subscribed, please do so. This is a weekly show and until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care. Bye everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to Stitcher rate and review us. That helps us build this community and that is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. Alright guys, thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.

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