Stop Yourself From Acting Crazy | Relationship Theory (Replay)

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Stop Yourself From Acting Crazy | Relationship Theory (Replay)

Podcast: Tom Bilyeu's Impact Theory
Host(s): Tom & Lisa Bilyeu
Date: May 10, 2024
Episode Focus: Relationship Theory - Communication, Self-Regulation, and Growth in Partnerships

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Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into the real, often messy, dynamics of long-term relationships, focusing on emotional self-regulation, communication techniques, and building trust. Tom and Lisa Bilyeu, married for 15 years and partners well beyond that, share both personal experience and tactical advice informed by their own challenges—including hormone changes, misunderstandings, and misaligned growth trajectories. They also tackle viewer questions about boundaries, change, and keeping relationships healthy when partners evolve at different rates.

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Key Topics & Insights

1. The Power of Emotional Awareness & Communication

[03:24 - 11:40]

• The Pill & Emotional Shifts: Lisa recounts coming off hormonal birth control, causing unexpected emotional upheaval. Tom had warned her—in “sober moments”—that it’s normal for hormone changes to create exaggerated emotional reactions.

  "I started getting emotional... certain things you were saying started to offend me... but for whatever reason, I didn't realize it's my hormones. I just got really upset."
  —Lisa Bilyeu [06:09]

• Tom explains the importance of establishing “sanity checks” in a relationship—code words and pre-agreed signals to help partners recognize when one’s emotions might be out of proportion, and guide the conversation back to reality.

  "If you ever tell me, ‘Hey, you’re taking it too far,’ I’m not going to argue… I’ll stop here."
  —Tom Bilyeu [11:13]

• Actionable Technique: Discuss emotional triggers and predictable challenges with your partner before they arise (“in sober moments”), creating space for trust and realignment when emotions do run high.

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2. Taking Ownership & Growth Mindset in Arguments

[14:11 - 21:00]

• Tom urges the importance of not trusting emotions blindly but rather interrogating whether an emotional response is actually useful.

  "I don't trust my emotions. I don't distrust them, either. I just don't have an inherent trust."
  —Tom Bilyeu [14:14]

• Both stress the need for self-ownership during conflicts, with Tom using his own struggles with anger as an example: don’t blame your partner, own your process to diffuse the emotion.

  "At the end of the day, you've got to take ownership… the person that really has to get it together is the person that's going through that hard thing."
  —Tom Bilyeu [19:41]

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3. Effective Communication Tactics

[21:00 - 24:01]

• Lisa compares relationship growth and communication to learning to ride a bike: you must review, adjust, and iterate after every misstep.
• Use past events as data to predict and proactively manage recurring issues with your partner, rather than hoping problems resolve themselves.
• Address recurring triggers directly: "Instead of just waiting and then dealing with it, what are the things we can do differently?"

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4. Boundaries vs. Ultimatums

[25:01 - 33:23]

• Listener Q: What’s the difference between enforcing boundaries and creating ultimatums?

• Tom: Boundaries are clearly stated needs or limits; ultimatums usually emerge when boundaries aren’t respected. The presence of ultimatums often signals you haven’t had calm, direct conversations about your needs.

  "It's not about ultimatums. It's about… how it makes me feel when I articulate very clearly… If somebody has such disrespect for where your boundaries are, the problem is the disrespect."
  —Tom Bilyeu [26:11]

• Lisa: Boundaries do change over time and need regular, direct conversation ("Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed…articulate how your boundaries have changed.").

  “If your boundaries have changed…I need to tell you that they’re changing and prepare you for it.”
  —Lisa Bilyeu [33:20]

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5. When One Partner Is Into Self-Development and the Other Isn’t

[34:00 - 44:22]

• Listener Q: “What if one partner is always doing self development and the other… just not interested and always critiquing?”

• Tom: You must take ownership and realize your own growth effort may make your partner feel judged. The goal is to make them feel better about themselves when they’re with you, not worse.

  “It is literally the barometer by which you should judge the health of your relationship: Does the other person feel better about themselves when they're around you than they do when they're not?”
  —Tom Bilyeu [38:16]

• Be patient—a partner with a fixed mindset will need years, and empathy, to shift.

  “If you have a growth mindset, you're not judging them for [having a fixed mindset].”
  —Tom Bilyeu [41:05]

• Lisa: Changes in one partner can trigger defense mechanisms in the other (criticism, withdrawal); empathy and dialogue about the why is crucial.

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6. Maintaining Attraction and Self-Esteem

[46:14 - 55:53]

• Listener Q: “I feel more authentic with my boyfriend but less of my sexy self because he doesn't like me to wear makeup and isn't one for compliments. On the other hand, I feel like I’m dating my best friend.”

• Tom: There is a world where you get both—comfort and chemistry. Never settle for only “best friends”—physical attraction still matters for long-term relationship vitality.

• Lisa: Outward changes and self-care (e.g. dressing up) are partly for her own self-esteem; she values both self-generated confidence and partner appreciation.

  “If I didn’t get a positive response from you, or you were just like, I don’t like it when you dress like that, that would be a real problem for me because these are the tools and tactics I use to give myself self-esteem.”
  —Lisa Bilyeu [49:30]

• Both: Understand each other’s love language and what makes your partner feel valued and attractive.

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7. Needing Space—How to Navigate Alone Time

[55:53 - 60:49]

• Listener Q: “How do you deal with wanting time alone and distance?”

• Tom: Everyone needs “selfish time”—regular, protected solo activities outside the relationship to recharge.

• Lisa: Learn to recognize if your need for space is about the other person or about your own processing style. Be explicit in communicating what you need and why.

  “Never have we ever got into an argument and it... resolved it through pushing heads. It's the separation of bringing down the guards.”
  —Lisa Bilyeu [59:17]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Tom on Emotional Ownership:
  “You can’t necessarily choose to have the feeling, the emotion’s going to be what it’s going to be. But... am I going to continue down this path? Yes or no? That is a choice.” [14:21]

• Lisa’s Self-Awareness Breakthrough:
  “It was such a powerful lesson for me... to just say, I can’t trust what my brain is telling me, that’s a very scary acknowledgment.” [13:31]

• Tom on Why Relationships Matter:
  “The primary goal of this relationship: to make you feel better about yourself when you're with me than when you're not, period.” [38:10]

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Important Timestamps

• [03:24] - Hormonal changes & emotional communication techniques
• [11:40] - “Sanity check” concept and discipline analogies
• [14:11] - Emotional regulation, usefulness of emotions
• [19:41] - Ownership of emotional state and behavior
• [21:00] - Relationship growth is iterative
• [25:01] - Boundaries vs. ultimatums in relationships
• [34:00] - When partners grow at different rates
• [38:10] - The core barometer of a healthy relationship
• [46:14] - Balancing authenticity with feeling attractive
• [55:53] - Alone time & ‘selfish time’ in relationships

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Episode Tone & Energy

Warm, candid, and practical. Tom and Lisa balance vulnerability and humor ("sanity checks," pop culture references) with tough love and accountability. The conversational style models the introspection and openness they encourage in listeners.

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Takeaway Tips

• Discuss predictable challenges in “sober moments”—not during conflict.
• Don’t blindly trust emotions; evaluate if acting on them serves your long-term well-being or the relationship.
• Practice “sanity checks” and have code words to call each other back from emotional extremes.
• Clearly articulate boundaries as they evolve; don’t use ultimatums as a first response.
• Take ownership when you’re the one experiencing emotional turbulence.
• Cultivate self-esteem both independently and through your partner’s affirmations.
• Protect regular alone time, and know if you need distance from your partner or just from people.
• Empathy, patience, and authenticity are essential—find and reinforce your partner’s love language.

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For more, subscribe to Impact Theory Studios on YouTube for deeper dives into movies, growth, and life lessons.

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Transcript

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[Lisa Bilyeu]

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[Tom Bilyeu]

You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory. Hey everybody, welcome to another edition of Relationship Theory. I'm your co host Tom Bilyeu and I am here with my beautiful wife who had a very lovely weekend and especially evening with last night Lisa Billye. What is up?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Hello baby, how we doing? Good, how are you?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, very well thank you. And you have a topic? Oh do we have any shout outs or anything that we're supposed to be doing? So first of all, by the way, thank you guys for showing up to the live feed and we don't have a great question for you this morning, like a simple question, but we do want engagement in the feed. So drop in a hello, say hi to somebody else in the comments, say what is up? All that good stuff is very, very helpful. And to everybody that answered whether they were in a relationship or not last week, thank you guys so much. It was actually fun to read through those comments and there were a lot of people, not a lot, but there were enough people that had had a high school relationship or knew somebody that had been in a very long term relationship since high school. Interesting that. I won't say it gave me pause because I want a much larger data sample but it was Cool to see that there are people that have made it work.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I just thought of a question that's actually quite interesting. If you're in a relationship, what year in that. Let's say you've been together for two years. What year has been the most difficult so far?

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right. Like year one, year three.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, exactly. Because I'm really curious to know, like, do people find more trouble in a relationship at the beginning because they're still trying to discover each other, or later on because you have an expectation and things change over time?

[Tom Bilyeu]

That is a very interesting question.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You're chuffed with these.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I am kind of chuffed, yeah. That was last minute thought.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice. That's good stuff.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right. So, yeah, wanted to talk to you today, actually. So we had a question which actually spun the idea. Let me find it. Okay.

[Tom Bilyeu]

What is the actual question? Or this is the topic.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So it's the topic, really. So basically it was based on communication techniques.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And what communication techniques do we use that we find the most effective? And we actually have a great example that happened recently where I think that it actually took our relationship to the next level because we really kind of tried something new and ended up, I think, coming out pretty good.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So do you want to explain it?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, the way. So I know what you're talking about, but the way that you phrased it, I actually want to make sure that you're talking about when we took you off the pill.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Correct.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. So that was a. It's interesting how, like, code words and things like that, like, really matter to make sure that I understand what you're talking about. So in trying to solve Lisa's microbiome issues, which, oh, man, it is a very complicated process. Researching, researching, researching, and come across somebody saying, oh, and by the way, no, in fact, back up. So it was going through the viome test that we had done with you, and the woman that we were talking through the results with said, had asked a question about your estrogen levels.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And yeah, she said, do you eat. You eat a lot of soy? That's what it was like, do I eat a lot of soy?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Which, no, the answer is very much not. And the reason that she was asking about that is because of your estrogen levels and that you had markers for somebody that has a. That you're processing a lot of estrogen and which normally would come from soy, which is why she asked that. So then I thought, okay, wait a second. Could it be that you're on the pill, which, you know, obviously is estrogen in and of itself.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I've been on the pill since we met.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. So for a very long time. And she said, oh, oh, yeah. Like, if you're on the pill, that can also be very disruptive. So we said, okay, let's take you off the pill. I'd actually had an alarm going off for, like, a year saying, like, we should really find that path to getting you off the pill. Just because staying on it for long term, anything exogenous makes me tense. So we decided, okay, we'll just take you off the pill. And I said, now you're going to, like, whenever you're messing with your hormones, like, it's going to get weird for a minute. And so you're going to go through. You're going to get very emotional. I'll just, like, put it out there nice and simply. You're going to get very emotional. You're going to react to things in a very exaggerated fashion. That is the way that the brain responds to that. I mean, you're. You're literally. It's an endocrine disruption. So your body has gotten used to having this influx of exogenous hormones. It's going to stop. And so that's going to create some weirdness. And so just be prepared for that. Like, if you're having an exaggerated response, if you feel overly emotional, like, whatever. That you can't necessarily trust that. And you can't just react based on that because it's going to feel very. Like whatever's happening is going to feel very different to you than it will to me on the outside. So.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And when you said that, because I don't consider myself very emotional when you said that, I thought, oh, yeah, oh, no, I can handle it. Like, it's not going to be a big deal. And then I started getting emotional. And his. Here's the important thing is that. So as I started to feel emotional, and it wasn't even like, I was just. I was working one day and I burst into tears. Right. It's never that obvious. It's like certain things that you were saying to me started to offend me and certain phrases you were doing and, like, you'd walk past me and, like, oh, I'd go to give you a kiss, and you'd be working so you wouldn't respond back. And I started, like, taking that, like, to heart. And I was like, I can't believe you didn't kiss me, you know, or kiss me goodbye because you were leaving or something. You didn't say goodbye.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Was that real?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Was what real.

[Tom Bilyeu]

The no kiss goodbye?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, you. You were like, you in a rush and you just walked out the door. And I was like, did he leave? But you've done that a million times, though, babe. So it's not like it's something that should have bothered me, but for whatever reason, it's not like I told myself, oh, you've done this a million times before. It was just in that moment, I just had that emotion. I was like, wow, he didn't even say goodbye. So all these little things throughout, like, the last couple of weeks have, like, really been, like, building up, but I don't actually realize it's my emote. Like, it's a. A reaction to a change in my hormones. Because it's not like I said, it's not like all of a sudden I'm just crying. It's the little subtle things that I started getting offended by and feeling neglected by you. And I didn't really put anything together in my head, so I just got really upset with you. And then one day I just said to you, like, I'm really upset. And you were like, what the hell? Why are you upset? And so we sat down and I laid everything out, and I felt so, like, rightly so, like, yes, this is what you did, and you've. You've done wrong. I mean, I didn't say it like that, but it definitely was. I'm going.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Justified.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, I felt very justified in feeling like you weren't paying attention and all your focus now is just 100% into work instead of it being a portion of it. And I felt completely justified. And so I'm sitting down with you and I'm going through all these things, and I wasn't crying. I wasn't over exaggerating my. Like, I was. I just felt very. What was the word you just said? Justified. Yeah, I felt very justified. And so I said it very calmly with you. It wasn't like I was, like, getting, like, crazy and shouting at you. It was, like, very calm. So I thought because I was calm, I wasn't emotional. And then you turned around to me and you said, do you remember when I said that you will get emotional now? In that moment that you said it to me, I of course, wanted to push back and go, but I'm not emotional. Like, this is actually what you did. And. And then I stopped myself. Or I think I actually may not have stopped myself. I think I may have actually, like, fought back a bit. Yeah, isn't he sweet? He didn't argue with that. But you, you, you. So, yes, I was getting a little emotional as I'm describing it, and saying, you know, you upset me and I don't feel like I'm, you know, in your thoughts anymore. And as I'm saying it, like, I'm not. Again, I'm not screaming or anything. And when you very calmly said, baby, like, this is what we had prepared for, like we had spoken about that this is going to be a potential. And in those moments, and I don't know if other women can relate to this, but in those moments, like when someone says, you're just being emotional, it's your hormones, you want to fight back and say, stop using that as an excuse, as a defense mechanism, Right? Stop deflecting, stop trying to blame me, that it's my emotions. No, you actually did this. That was what I wanted to say. And then it hit me. The thing that we have kind of agreed upon, you know, years ago, where it's like the. We call it. Was it the God, the anorexic. What do you. The phrase you use?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, so we've always codenamed it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Codenamed it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Act like you have to. We don't have a tight way of saying it. So it's always. I know that I would make an amazingly good anorexic. So I have said to you in

[Lisa Bilyeu]

the past, like, and what do you mean by that?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Because that's that I have the discipline to get myself in trouble, right? So when it comes to dieting, I used to be 60 pounds heavier. And so when I was dieting, it was very, very easy for me to just not eat. Not eat, not eat. I could skip the meals, I could do all the suffering, all of that. Those are incredibly powerful things. And I love that about myself. I'm very proud of that. But I know that there's also a point where you. You have the mentality of an anorexic where you can no longer see what the outside world sees. So you become very obsessed with a thing, right? Not eating, getting skinny, like, whatever it is that an anorexic is obsessing over. And I remember looking at an anorexic because, you know, we were in the health field, so this was like a very natural thing for me to be looking at. I'm looking at it and going, oh, dear God. Like, they. They're so proud of their ability to not eat, to push it off, to suffer for a goal that they become truly delusional and they can't see from the outside world. But it's so Painfully obvious to everyone else. So I said, I recognize that in myself. I understand how my discipline can take me down a path that is either positive or it can spill over into the negative. So I said, as somebody who recognizes that about themselves, I'm going to give you the keys and say, if ever, like, I'm just going to trust you. I know that there is a potential where I cross over into an area where it's no longer actually moving me towards anything that's positive. So you just tell me, you be my sanity check if you ever tell me, hey, you're taking it too far. I'm not going to argue, I'm not going to fight. I'm just going to go, okay, cool, then. And I'll stop here.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Sanity check. That's a nice phrase.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So that having that is. Is very important. So, yeah, we need, like, a nice, simple phrase. That's what we use. Sanity check. Yeah. It doesn't carry the weight, but yes.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. So in knowing that, I. You had reminded me, like, hey, look, we had discussed that your emotions are gonna start to change. You need to, like, trust me. Or do you trust me? Because if you do, then you need to know that I've got your best interest at heart. And if I have your best interest, when I say, like, babe, this isn't emotions. This is your emotions, know that I'm not using that to defend myself. Like, the goal is to get to a place where we can fix this. And so because you have shown in the past that you don't defend yourself, right? You always admit when you're wrong. You admit if you've messed up or if you've said certain things or whatever. Like, you're. You're very open to that, and you've proven that in the past. So if I know that about you, and right now, in this discussion, no matter how right I feel about my emotions, I need to turn around and acknowledge that maybe it is my. The chemical imbalance in me. And then I have to kind of let go. And when we had that discussion, even though, again, I felt like, no, this is real to me. It's real. And what my brain is telling me is real versus what actually is happening. And so, yeah, I walked away from that discussion and I just said, okay, well, I know he loves me. Right? The questions I always ask myself, I know he loves me. I know he cares for me. I know he always wants the best. What's best for me and what's best for our relationship. And I know he never defends himself when he Knows he's wrong. So putting all these together, it was really weird and hard to go. You know what? It must be my emotions, and it must be right now some chemical imbalance that I'm going through. And that kind of just then let me bring my defenses down. And I think that you then saw that I was willing to fix it and willing to open up and be vulnerable. And because that becomes very vulnerable when you do that, where you just say, like, oh, I can't trust what my brain is telling me, like, that's a very scary acknowledgment. And I think because I trust you so much and because we've got so many years of experience of trusting each other and know that we're not using it against each other for our own selfish benefit. Yeah, I. It was such a powerful lesson that I learned. And so, yeah, I just really wanted to talk about it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. So the title of the episode is how to stop yourself from Acting Crazy. And I think that it. So from my perspective, it's not a scary thing to admit. It is very weird. And the reason that it's weird is because in that moment, you feel justified, it feels real. And this is something that I talk a lot about, is I don't trust my emotions. Like, I don't have. I don't distrust them. I just don't have an inherent trust of them. I have an emotion, and I say, okay, is this going to help me? Is this going to serve me? Is this the direction that I want to be going in? And if it's not, then I don't indulge it. I recognize it. I say, okay, cool, I have this emotion, but am I going to continue down this path? Yes or no? That is a choice. So I can't necessarily choose to have the feeling the emotion is going to be what the emotion is going to be. And going back to when I was really, like, going hard to get lean, and I just wanted to keep doing it through diet, I find it way easier to not eat a meal than I find to do cardio. And. And you kept pushing me to do cardio instead of cutting your meals. Cutting my meals. And that was really pissing me off. And it was like, look, I. That what you're asking me to do, I hate is hard. And the thing that I'm doing is nice and easy. And so for you to go one, it's very important to recognize you have to let the person, like, really go deep into crazy land before you say you're being crazy. I just want to Be really, really clear.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And by the way, do not use the word crazy. I'm saying when you're talking to your partner, don't say you're acting crazy when

[Tom Bilyeu]

talking to your partner. I was about to, like, diatribe on you being overly sensitive about words, but

[Lisa Bilyeu]

yes, because let me tell you, want someone to put your defenses up. Yeah. You're not bringing them to the place where you feel like they need to be. You're actually pushing them away.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Correct.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So, yeah. When. If you say, like, why are you acting crazy? Like, that would have ds. That would have escalated the emotion, not de. Escalated the emotion, no question.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So you need to let them go into crazy land without calling them crazy, but you need to let them go really, like, deep into it where, you know, okay, this isn't. Like, I'm not just being overly sensitive to where they're at. Like, they're definitely. And the way that I think about it is I have so much history with you. Like, I know when you're acting outside of your normal frame of behavior. So I'll be like, wow, this really isn't like her. And then it's like, jesus, this really isn't her. And then about the third Jesus, I'm like, okay, now's where we very delicately broach it. And having planted that seed earlier, to say, look, it's very predictable what you're about to go through. So. And now, like, we're in that zone. And to talk through. Look, when you feel an emotion feels very real. I know you feel justified. And I'm not even saying that I haven't done myriad things wrong that have gotten a re. And by wrong, I mean have gotten a reaction from you that I'm not looking for. Made you feel a way that I don't want you to feel. Right. I want you to feel protected, secure, loved, all of those things. So clearly, like, even just to acknowledge that given your current state, the way that I'm reacting to the situation, the way that I'm handling you, treating you, it's not getting the reaction that I want. So I fully own that. Now, having said that, we are getting into the point where your reaction is atypical. And I think we have to factor in the fact that you have gone off the pill and that that's framing things for you. And these are like, that's not a quote. But that's essentially exactly what I said. I wasn't like, bitch, you're acting crazy. You know, to your point, like, that would have just been ridiculous and would not have Gotten any of either of us where we wanted to go. So that's really important. But you have to let. You can't just be like, the second you're like, I detect something is off that you say, oh, you're. You know, you're acting off. This is all because of that. It's like, you really. You need to leave a pretty significant buffer before you jump in with that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And that's interesting because that's something you did again, that's actually very powerful. It's like, yes, it's my emotions. Yes, it's my hormones. Right. That allowing me to feel like this and steering me in that direction. But it wasn't just like, okay, it's your emotions. So you deal with it. You're like, look, this is real. Like you said, it is an actual thing that you're encountering. So even if it's an imbalance, we need to still address that. It's happening. So what can I do? And this is what you said to me. So what can I do to help with. As you go through this transition period? It wasn't. It's an imbalance, so you need to get your shit together. Right. It was. This is the reason, but let's fix it together. And knowing that we were in it together, feeling supported, that you weren't just then judging me for being like, I can't believe that she got upset over that. Right. It was like, okay, you got upset over that. Let's talk about is because of your emotions, but what can I do differently to help you get through it? And that was again, like, such a. The right way to respond because I didn't feel like I was alone. I didn't feel like, you know, because I am then trying to work on centering myself, bringing my emotions, telling myself, like, look, this isn't normally you. You know yourself better than that. You know your husband better than that. But still, when you're doing it alone, it's not as. It's not as easy.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But now let's have the real conversation.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

When you're acting crazy, you do need to acknowledge I'm acting crazy, and I do need to get my shit together like that. So I love that you focus on what the other person should do and how to facilitate that and all of it. But one of the most important things about people to understand in a relationship is at the end of the day, you've got to take ownership. At the end of the day, you've got to be doing the work. At the end of the day, the Person that really has to get it together is the person that's going through that hard thing. And when you don't do that, like for instance, when I used to get. So I've said this a thousand times, I don't get angry easily, but when I get angry, then I stay angry. And that was a hard thing in. At the beginning of our relationship. And I thought, this isn't helping. This doesn't serve me. And so I need to be able to get out of this situation. I didn't put that on you. I said I need to do something to make sure that not only is it hard to make me mad, but that once I get mad, it's measured in seconds, not even minutes, certainly not hours. And so I put in that effort. You did the work this time of saying, hey, I get it. I can't just intrinsically or inherently trust my emotions. I need to process through this. I need to build a path to getting where we want to go. That's really, really important.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right?

[Tom Bilyeu]

So we've probably gone pretty deep on

[Lisa Bilyeu]

this, but then taking that into then this question about communication and tactics and I really do believe one of the most powerful things couples can do is learn from the past, right? It's like riding a bike. Okay? You get on the bike, you fall off, you go, oh, shit, what did I do wrong? So then you adjust your foot position, you adjust your balance like, you keep adjusting until you can ride the bike. And I kind of think of that as like in our relationship where it's like, we've been together for 17 years, we're married for 15. All the things that we know about each other, all the things that we learn, needs to be taken into account when moving forward. So if you know, for instance, that someone gets anxious when the family comes over, I don't know, just pulled that up. But let's say someone gets anxious whenever their in laws come over. As the other half recognize that in the past they felt anxious about their partners, their in laws coming over, sit with them and go, what can we do differently? How can I assist in you not being anxious? Or saying, like, instead of pretending it's not going to happen this time, like, oh, this time I really hope that my wife or my husband doesn't get anxious just because my in laws are. Because the in laws are coming, sit down and go, this is a pattern. This is something that happens in the past. So instead of just waiting till we get there again and then dealing with it, like, what are the things that we can do to know not to get there in like next time. And then if you keep doing that, right, because you're never, I don't think you're ever going to get it like right off the bat. I think that it has to be learning and adjusting and training in essence, like at the gym. So keep doing it. Keep talking with your partner about how to change things, what the other person can do to support you. When you're going through this, if it, you know, it's going to be anxiousness or stress or whatever, talk about it, figure out what each other can do to help. Then when you, when it happens, I'm sure at some point something's going to go wrong or not, I'm sure. But you know, there's nothing's ever going to be perfect. So once that occasion happens, then sit down again after and say, okay, we thought we had it down pat. We thought we had a system. Or I thought I you would explain to me how to support you, but I don't think I did a good enough job. What can we do next time? And then keep improving instead of repeating the same problem over and over. Like, if it's predictable, then adjust accordingly. And so like with the pill, where you felt like it was very predictable, we discussed the fact that it was predictable and going into it actually helped me get back out of it because you had said it was predictable. Otherwise I don't think I would have have gotten there as quickly because I think I would have pushed back a bit on the emotion thing. But because you had literally said it before I even got off the pill, I remembered it and I went back to, oh yeah, he actually said that in we call it our sober moments. Right where it's like before anything's actually happened and you're not reacting on emotion. That yeah, do it in your sober moments because it really, really, really helped me recognize it when I was feeling it.

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[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, so, guys, if you're watching, please do submit some questions, and we're gonna get to them. So we'll jump into, I guess, the next question. All right, so this question comes from YouTube, from apartment 1D. Kind of fun name. I'm in a relationship, and we are possibly on our way to ending it. I'm wondering if there is a difference between enforcing boundaries and creating ultimatums.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes. Like, those don't seem like the same thing to me, so.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Really?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, they seem like the same thing to me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, I get what they mean.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Like, my boundaries cross this boundary and all. You know, if you cross this boundary again, I'm leaving you. Like, that kind of thing.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I guess. Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So, yeah, I'm gonna draw a line in the sand. So it is very different. You've got the boundary, and then you've got the consequence for the boundary. They are very different. And so, man, like, for me to. If somebody has such, like, disrespect for where your boundaries are, the problem is the disrespect. It's not about ultimatums. It's about. Let me walk you through how it makes me feel when I articulate very clearly, in fact. And I would start from ownership. So here is the boundary that I'm trying to create. Have you understood that? Because if I'm not being clear, then help me understand and let me explain why I want to do this. So I'll use one. From the beginning of our relationship, you said, under no circumstances will I give up my friends. And I like, never having been in a relationship, like, long term before, like, okay, it. That so wasn't a worry for me. Like, I wasn't looking for you to give up your friends, and I also

[Lisa Bilyeu]

meant male friends because I have my friend Theo. Hey. Where I'm really close to him, Right. And we were telling each other we loved each other. I mean, he was like, one of my, you know, best. Best friends. So just put him.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. So I was like, okay. Like, that's not. That wasn't weird. That wasn't a problem for me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But that was, like, a really clear, delineated boundary for you. So there was clarity in it. I understood. You explained why you were putting that Line in the sand. And then I had a choice. I could either respect that and go, hey, yeah, no problem. So that later down the line, if it did start to get weird for me or whatever, I could hearken back, like, she was very clear about this. But that gives us a jumping off place to talk about, like, okay, there's your line. I understand it. You've articulated it very clearly. Here's how that makes me feel. Like, process through that to get to either. Like, okay, we have a clash of values. And if you have a clash of values, that's a whole nother thing. Because even you and I to this day have clashes of values where something that you think is important and just like I have been unable to convince you that it's not important, or vice versa, right? So you either have to learn how you compromise around that or it becomes the thing over which you say, we just cannot continue to be together. But to not be able to articulate it to the point where you say, oh, we have a collision of values, this is like the thing. This isn't a blind thing that you're stumbling forward on. It's not something you read in a book and therefore you do. Like, this is something that you really value in your life. No matter what I say, that's going to remain true and vice versa. So when you start putting ultimatums on, if you haven't gotten to the point where you've both articulated, like, in a really calm, sober, simple and direct way that's respectful of the other person and. And get to the point where it's like, okay, we have a collision of values. This doesn't make sense to move forward anymore if you haven't gotten to that point and you're just throwing out ultimatums as like a way to get their attention, which is essentially what it sounds like they're doing, or like a threat almost. Yeah, but why threaten, right? You're threatening because you don't feel like they're listening. You don't feel like you're getting what you want. And so it's like, I'm gonna take this thing you care about, theoretically being in the relationship, and I'm gonna slap you in the face with it to get your fucking attention and be like, hey, you know, listen, like you. It is an act of aggression at that point because you feel unheard, you feel neglected. You may even want to hurt them to because they've upset you. But now we're like in lash out territory. We're not in, like, hey, we're both calm. We can talk about this and articulate our position. And what I find is people often don't understand their emotion, but they trust their emotion. So going back to my earlier statement that I don't have any grand sense that my emotions know what they're doing. So it's like, I have this emotion, I'm going to do the work first to identify it. If I can't identify it, I'm certainly not going to lash out at you. And every time you're having what we call the T argument, that's where your, your emotion is centered around, in our case, a cup of tea. But it's not about that. But until you can stop paying attention to the emotion over the cup of tea and really get to what, what are we actually like, like arguing about here? What's that deeper level thing? Take the time, articulate it to yourself. Once you can articulate it to yourself, then you should be able to explain it to the other person, have a calm and rational discussion, and get to the point where it's either like, we've transcended behavior, which is probably what the person is drawing a line around, and gotten to values. And that's where things really become useful. So when somebody says that, is there a difference between the boundary and the ultimatum? Yes. And the fact that you haven't gotten to that difference is probably why you're having trouble.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That was really good answer, babe.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Thank you.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And one thing I want to add is I think boundaries change, right? As you grow, as you change, as certain things become more important to you, less important to you, I do think that those boundaries can change. And I think it's then important to articulate that instead of going, well, when we got together, these were the boundaries, and then feeling like, oh, well, I can't, you know, because some people say, well, that wasn't what you were like when we first met. It's like, well, no, I've grown, I've changed. And I think it's important to not feel ashamed or embarrassed or hold back on articulating how your boundaries have changed.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, man, you're. I'm sorry to jump in with this. No go, guys. If there are any film buffs, TV show fans, comic books, anything like that media, if you extract meaning from that. We just talked about this in our review of Only the Brave. So go subscribe. Only if you're a fan of that stuff over on Impact theory studios on YouTube. But literally that in the movie, which you haven't seen, and this is where my heart breaks a little, that on this stuff, we don't always line up on what we want to go see. You actually, I think would like Only the Brave, if for no other reason. Spoiler alert. Sort of. They have, like, an argument that two of the main characters have an argument about that. Like, he was like, you knew who I was when you got into this relationship. And she was like, yes, but you have changed me. Like, being in this relationship, you, like, I've let my guard down. I let you in is what she said. I let you in, and you changed me. And I thought, I have the chills. I thought, wow, what a great way to explain.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That's actually so interesting because so many people, we get asked a lot, right? Like, if my significant other doesn't want to grow, like, I'm growing and, like, how do I make them grow or help them grow?

[Tom Bilyeu]

And.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And then I think that sometimes may. Well, I'm kind of making this up. But I think when people do change and their views change and their opinions change, other people immediately go back to. But you weren't like this. So if you. For instance. In fact, I can't. God, what was it? I'm not going to waste time thinking about it, but I remember, like, I was growing and changing, and you had said to me something. Oh, God, I can't remember what it was.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It was amazing.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It was amazing. And it was kind of like I. In, as we were talking, I was saying, yeah, I used to think like this, and, yes, I used to do that. But to be honest, now that's not me, and I'm not like that anymore. And I think it's important to address. So. But the takeaway message is if your boundaries have changed, if your expectations change, if, you know, whatever communication you guys have had from the start of your relationship, you have to keep talking because things are going to change and alter. So if my boundaries have changed, I need to tell you that they're changing a prepare you for it. And just say, hey, I used to be okay with this. Or, you know what? I never used to like this, but

[Tom Bilyeu]

now I do 100.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I think that's important. All right, we've got some shout outs. We've got Harris Nebugati from Kazakhstan.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wow.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Go, Kazakhstan. I know. That's awesome. Mashira Krigui. I'm so bad with names. I apologize, guys. You probably should just write in your name just so you can, like, hear how. How bad I can pronounce it. From Nairobi, Kenya. And then Jenny Svellon from Utah. All right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

From Nairobi to Utah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I Know, that's cool, right? Kazakhstan, Kenya and Utah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I like it, love it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay, so this question comes from Facebook, from Justin Damien Furness. What if one partner is always doing self development and making an effort to communicate and the other person is just not interested and always critiquing the other? After 15 years of marriage, what strategies can be put in place?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Talk about a curveball. Is this our most frequently asked question? It's gotta be.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

One of us is into development and the other is not. And what do you do now? Normally this is. Go ahead.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Just because I get it. Like it would be tough. Like it takes so much time, energy and focus to work on yourself and to work on bettering yourself. And it's, it can be all consuming, right? Because it's every thought you have, it's every action you take. Like you have to really work on changing it. And when you put that much time and effort and the person you love so much that you've been together, you've got so many memories with so much history and you love them. But as you start growing, things start to like, fork in the road. Like that is tough. So I really do get why people struggle with it. Because what do you do? Like you don't want to give up your growth, so what do you do?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Ms. W. Yeah, it's very. So at the beginning of the relationship, it's very, very easy. And I would, I would now, given where I'm at and my own development cycle, I would not be in a relationship with somebody that doesn't have a growth mindset or at least ready. Yes, correct. Or doesn't at least say, I want a growth mindset and I'm willing to do what it takes to get there. Because now what you're looking for is leverage. Right? It's the same thing in the, the 15 year relationship. But you need that leverage. And if you don' have a point of leverage, like this is going to end really badly. And now here. The reason that it's so, so dangerous in a 15 year relationship is this concept you and I have that we call the dust has begun to settle. Right. So in any like issue between you and I, we always make sure we get to the root issue. We clear all the dust so that you're not holding on to something, that you're not bringing something up from two or three years ago, or God forbid, 15 years ago that you didn't fully let go. And letting go of stuff, really letting it go is one of the, it's like the relationship superpower. If you can't let something go. That dust begins to settle. So they've got 15 years. Just knowing what I know about people, there's dust in the relationship for sure. Now you have like, no, A, you don't have leverage. B, the person, at least as they wrote it, is essentially heckling them to use my words on that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

They're always critiquing, not interested.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So. And the reason I use the word heckle is critique sounds high futin and reasonable. Heckling is what A does. So once you get, you know me, I love binary. It's good. It's bad. Love, hate, like, and I don't live there. It's just, you have to put things into one camp or the other to get clarity. So heckling, it is bad behavior because it is not effective. It puts the other person's defenses up. So, like. Like when you've got both sides with their defenses up, and by the way, the other person is criticizing because I'm sure they have felt heckled. And so it's like both people have their guards up. The person who's going through the development is probably making them feel really shitty about the fact that they're not and using that against them. And so it's like, oh, God. So, like, it's all defenses all the time. Everybody feels judged and unloved. And so it's like, like, wow, how do you. And here's what you would actually have to do. I would say, let's say I'm the development one. I'd be like, I bet I make this person feel horrific. And the reason that they're criticizing me is because I've made them feel some kind of way. And that some kind of way is not great. And so I'm gonna take ownership 100.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And I'm just gonna say, look, I have the chills. I really want to have the primary goal of this relationship to be to make you feel better about yourself when you're with me than when you're not, Period. And I'm just feeling you need to

[Lisa Bilyeu]

say that again, because that, to me, is one of the most powerful things, powerful things in a relationship.

[Tom Bilyeu]

To me, it is literally the barometer by which you should judge the health of your relationship. Does the other person feel better about themselves when they're around you than they do? So. And the reason that I say that is I. I wouldn't be in a relationship with all of its compromises and all of that if that weren't true. Like, that seems like the only payoff

[Lisa Bilyeu]

that's that you feel better about yourself when you're around me.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Correct?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Like, why else would I do this?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right?

[Tom Bilyeu]

So, but really, like, I actually don't understand like when I look at people that are in emotionally abusive relationships or just toxic. Right. It's just toxic. You're not having a good time. Time. I don't understand why you would give up all the things you have to give up if that person doesn't make you feel better about yourself. By the way, entirely selfish. But you do. And so for me it is like it's such a no brainer to sacrifice whatever I need to sacrifice for the health of this relationship because it makes me feel better about myself and I just love it. Like intrinsically, no one has to convince me or anything. So anyway, we're going to agree that that is the main goal. If we can't agree on that, there's just so much danger, like immediately seek therapy or break. But assuming that we can agree on that, then it's like, all right, let's lower our defenses. Let's really hear each other and figure out like a. Where did we go wrong? So we're gonna have to do, in fact, is Casey listening Chase? Because I don't think she is. We write this down. We need to do on Impact Theory Studios, we need to do a review of Unbreakable.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yes, Unbreakable. Cool.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

The M. Night Shy Mullen movie. Okay. Unbreakable didn't seem right, the relationship, because that like the relationship at the core of that movie, they, they're essentially about to get divorced and they work backwards to figure out, like, where, where did this start going wrong? And I found that so powerful for them to both confess the first moment where they thought this relationship might not last. So getting back to like, where did it stop? Right? Where did that real unraveling begin? Get back to that. Like, in this case it sounds like, like, where did I begin? To make you feel judged? Like, and oh God. Going back to what you were saying earlier about like, this stuff is predictable. So I would go into the conversation, one, ownership, two, predicting like that I have made this person feel bad. Like, it's so predictable. So growth mindset tends to lead to being an evangelist. And so you want, like, you've gone through something amazing, you want other people to go through it, but they're going to feel judged because. Because essentially what you're saying is, I found something amazing. The way I am is awesome. The way you are sucks.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You're not good enough and you haven't figured it out and correct.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And if, if you really have a growth mindset, you know that the other person probably has a fixed mindset. If you have a growth mindset, you're not judging them for that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And if they have a fixed mindset, you know that they feel judged. So it's like so true. But this is all predictable going into it. So I'm gonna ownership predictability and say I'm gonna guess that somewhere along this, this path I've made you feel judged. And I can't imagine anything less likely to make you feel better about yourself when you're around me than when you're not, than you thinking I'm judging you. And so I just want to drop all that. Like I want you to know I love you right now, today, exactly who you are and I want to know like what you want to, like what would I need to do for you to really feel truly loved? And by the way, if you have a growth mindset and you're committed, keep in mind I started this whole thing by saying I wouldn't be in a relationship with somebody that doesn't have a growth mindset. But if you're in a relationship with somebody that doesn't have a growth mindset, you do and you're committed to the relationship. You need to understand this is a multi year endeavor to truly help them find the joy in having a growth mindset and not feel judged all along the way. So it's gonna involve a lot of listening, making sure that you really understand where they're at that and then just them seeing that it's actually taking you to a better place and by why

[Lisa Bilyeu]

that's good for them.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Definitely.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right. Because let's face it, as humans I think we can't help but think about like, how is this good for me and how does this benefit me? And so if the growth mindset is actually improving that other per their partner's lives, then I think that could be encouraging. Like all this, this one thing that you used to like always get upset over or one thing that I always did that like really annoyed you or you felt, you know, neglected. Look, I'm changing like the knock on effect is now you're benefited from from it as well.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No question. And if you really are trying to get better and own that like showing up to every discussion, argument, whatever with like looking for ways to take ownership of that, it's not going to. In the first six months you're just going to feel like you're getting the shit kicked out of you. Because the other person will take advantage of that. And so a predictability. So know that if they have a fixed mindset, they're looking to be right, to feel smart, all of that, because they believe that their talent and intelligence are fixed traits. And so life is just about maximizing your emotional response to whatever hand you were dealt. So you know that that's how the person is going to respond. So just know that this is going to take a very long time and that in the beginning, they're just going to take advantage of it. But you have to believe that over time, a, you'll actually get. So you really will be improving emotionally. Your ability to listen, all of that is going to be improving, and they'll begin to thaw and realize, wow, they're not judging me. They're actually looking at themselves. If anything, they're judging themselves and trying to get better and improve over time. They're not trying to convince me this is my big thing. I was always trying to convince you you were wrong so that I didn't have to feel badly because I hated that feeling so much, that if I could just convince you to see things my way, then I wouldn't have to feel bad about making you feel bad. And so once you let go of that and, like, really take the ownership of. Whoa. I made her feel badly about herself, and that was not my intention. All right, I could keep going on this one, but I'm gonna stop.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. All very powerful takeaway messages.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. I had a million things to add, but you kind of covered everything.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wow.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Oh, and just. And. And empathize, I think. Put yourself in their shoes. One thing that people talk about a lot and that I've heard a lot is, like, let's say when one person starts going on a right. Or starts, like, working on their physique, like, okay, you know, I really want to change. I want to change the way I eat. I want to go to the gym more. And then the partner doesn't join in. Right. That friction that then starts with one person really trying to improve and the other person kind of staying where they are, I think ends up causing a problem because the other person starts feeling like, oh, you don't love me now, Like, I'm not good enough for you. Just because now you've got this new hobby or whatever, they'll try and write it off. So I think if you can be empathetic to the other person and understand what they're going through, why they're react like that, because if they're criticizing. Why are they criticizing? You just said it earlier. Is that they're trying to do it to protect themselves. And so I think that, you know, because then they have to look upon themselves and say, well, I'm not good enough, instead of saying, wow, this is something I can improve on. Which are two very different mindsets. So if you can understand why at least they're acting like that, I think that that helps when you do start talking about it. So yeah. Okay, next question. Question from Facebook from Mia Lavoy. I feel more authentic when I'm with my boyfriend, but less of my sexy self because he doesn't like me to wear makeup and isn't one for compliments when I get dressed up to go out. On the other hand, when I feel like I'm dating my best friend, on the other hand, I feel like I'm dating my best friend. Sexy romance of familiar familiarity and friendship. Oh, I don't think you have. If you have to choose, I think there's a problem.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I hate to be the guy beating the, the hammer of movies and TV shows today, but have you seen Singles, the Cameron Crow movie?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Long time ago.

[Tom Bilyeu]

They. They touch on this and there's so many words that she's using that depending on which way you interpret them, it could be amazing. So if when she says dating my best friend, she means that like, hey, we have a red hot sex life and is my best friend and this is amazing, but doesn't necessarily enjoy me, you know, dressing up and putting on makeup. It's just not his thing for whatever reason. Like, he's more into like, let's say laid back natural beauty. And so he's lavishing her with like, praise and attention.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Agent 1 For compliments, period.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Period. No, because he doesn't like me when I dress up.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

He doesn't like me to. Yeah, exactly. Because he doesn't like me to wear makeup and isn't one for compliments when I get dressed up to go out.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right. So, but imagine he is one for compliments when she just like wakes up and she's, you know, totally natural and he's like, oh my God, like, you look amazing and you light me on fire. So it is really hard to know the truth. So I'll just paint two scenarios. Scenario one, he makes her feel sexy, beautiful. All of that just in a way that is unique to him, but.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But not how she interprets or it's

[Tom Bilyeu]

not what she wants to what makes her feel sexy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right. That's a good point. Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So if that's True. Then as long as, like, I think people need to feel attractive, guys and girls, by the way. So I think that's important. If she's not feeling that, then that. Aha. Like as you were saying, like, you don't have to choose. There is a world where you can date somebody who feels like your best friend and they make you feel sexy and attractive and all of that. So just know that that's not something that you have to give up now. On the flip side, if he never compliments never makes her feel beautiful or sexy, run in the opposite direction as fast as you can. Like dating. Dating your best friend which eventually becomes your roommate is just like danger on the highest order. You can survive that maybe in the early days of your relationship, but humans just aren't wired for that unless you're asexual, which by the way, is a real thing. And so, hey, more power to you. But unless you're both on that same page, like that seems like a recipe for disaster.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So I think feeling raw sexual attraction is absolutely critical.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Because for me, dressing sexy. So we went away this weekend, we went out to a club and I dress sexy and I put on like red lipstick and I did my hair and I put like, you know, really made an effort and it makes me feel a certain way. So I want that. Right. I want to feel good about myself. I want to have healthy self esteem. And if I was always walking around in my pajamas, even if you didn't care, I would feel something about myself. And so I absolutely, I don't just dress for you, I just dress to make myself feel a certain way. And if I didn't do that or if I didn't get a positive response for you from you or you were just like, I don't like it when you dress like that. That would be a real problem for me because these are the tools and tactics I use to give myself self esteem to make myself feel good about myself. Because I can't just rely on you, right. If I just always got my self esteem based on whether you were giving me compliments or not, I think that's a disaster. I have to work on that by myself. I can't rely on you, you for that solely. I absolutely look at you for that, but not solely. And so there are times where like I even painted my nails red. Like I wanted to feel a certain way so I, I do things for myself to make me feel that good. So yeah, if you were just negative towards that all the time, that's not something that I could give up because it leads to something, right? If it's may seem simple and basic at first, like just so don't dress sexy. Like, if he still loves you, he loves you. But to me there's a knock on effect. And like I said, I use it as a tool to make myself feel a certain way. And if I didn't have that, now you're kind of asking me to be something or someone I'm not. And then I think that causes trouble.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So. Oh, and Mia replied saying, not a big, big. Not big on compliments, period. Lol. So the. Well, I know. Well, the question is, is, has she even. Has. Has she had a discussion with him? Right. Because me and you, we always say communication. Like have you me actually said to him, like, look, this is how I feel and when you don't give me compliments, is it because you're not thinking it or you're like, for instance, you're always busy, always. So there'll be times you won't even think about something. That doesn't mean that you. If I didn't bring your attention, like, babe, look over here, like, what do you think of this? You wouldn't be like, oh my God, that's amazing. But I don't take it personally that you may not notice. So is it that he just doesn't notice or is it that you've discussed it with him and he really is adamant and just doesn't care? Like, those are two different things also.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So here's just a tactic. I'm going to assume that this guy is an amazing human being and he's, I mean, best friend is a big one, right?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Because she obviously feels comfortable with super good dude. Right?

[Tom Bilyeu]

So now we've established super good dude. There's a tactic that I had to realize early in our relationship where it wasn't enough for me to look at you and think like, whoa, she looks good. I had to externalize it. And I literally had to teach myself that. To externalize, to really take the time every, every time I thought it at the most random, weird times. And if it wasn't appropriate to say out loud because we're in a group, that I would shoot you a text and be like, you, you look really good right now. Like for whatever reason, like, whatever, your hair, your boots, your shoes, your pants, like the smile, your laugh, like, I would just externalize it. Externalize it. Externalize, externalize. Because it one good that I felt it. Right? That's just. It's super protective of the relationship that I I have that feeling. But then to marinate in the emotion for a little bit longer by externalizing it, saying it to you, writing it to you, that's also good for me. And then most importantly, if I don't externalize it, you don't get to receive that and feel that. Now beauty is a transient thing. So let's all be very, very clear that this is a game of youth and that it changes and evolves as you go. And you've got to change and evolve with it so that you're not just prizing.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Let me tell you, I'm going to be a sexy 80 year old.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It's exactly where I'm going. So you've got to like evolve that so that as you go and change, it's like, like that you find you as the person looking at the other person find like the beautiful things in them that you continue to externalize and attach yourself to those, to marinate in those feelings. So. And that the other person that you can internalize that you're changing so that it becomes more about elegance and refinement as you get older and look and that may change as we actually age. And I think, oh no, there actually is opportunity for something entirely different. But people need to understand that I'm not just saying, hey you, it's all about finding somebody hot and. Or that you're talking about self esteem from the perspective of oh, you've got to feel sexy now. Like, that's not it. It's, you've got to find those anchor points in you throughout your ever evolving life. But to feel it, externalize it and make the other person feel good about it is the critical path.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right. And I'm just going to also add to that understand each other's love language. Right. Like, so has she said, hey, like when I dress like this, I'm actually looking for this. Now I don't want you to fake it, but I like to feel sexy and I like to think that you see me as being sexy because it makes me feel like this. So if you're thinking I'd love to hear it or you know, because let's face it, if you say to me, baby, you look so beautiful, I'm. I'd be like, like, I'd be really touched. But if I said to you, baby, you look beautiful, you'd be like, huh, Right? Like I know your language is oh, you look strong, or I was so

[Tom Bilyeu]

curious to see if you'd get this right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You're. Yeah, I mean, like I call you My hero. You're my knight in shining armor. Because. And I use those words because I know what that makes you feel. Right. It makes you feel like you're my protector. And that's something that you pride yourself on. We've spoken many times about you being the alpha of the family. I want you to be the alpha. So when you act like the alph, I want you to know, like, how I feel about that. So saying, you know, you're my knight in shining armor or you're my hero, it's much more deeper on in my mind. Right. It's like all these other things that kind of combine. But if I was like, oh, like your, I guess your muscles. Yeah, you'd like me saying that. So I don't know where I'm going there. But just understanding each other's love language and how other people interpret.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Interpret things and mad shout out to Vanessa Van Edwards. Love language technically is a little bit different. Different, like it's touch or words or, you know, whatever. Like, that's the. The language of love. But then also understanding, like, what are the things that that person values themselves for? Right, Right. So strength, beauty, intelligence, humor, like whatever that thing is, and really want to reinforce what you said, it's got to be authentic. So you can't fake the funk. And by the way, if somebody. If you're in a relationship with somebody that doesn't find you attractive, run. Like, that's a bad place to be.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. All right, we've got a YouTube question from L. Liam, how do you deal with wanting time alone and distance? Like, being too close to someone even if you love them, can be draining. How do you take time away without damaging the relationship?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Man, this comes down to what they're really asking. So time away, like, that sounds scary.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like, if you said, baby, I need a break, I just need a month off.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, that would be like, say what? Everybody's different. So maybe there. There are people that love being in a long distance relationship because it's sort of dip in, dip out, and, you know, they have massive swaths of time where they're not together. So we're very much going to answer this from our perspective, which is like, for me, there is absolutely no substitute for proximity. Like, we started as a long distance relationship, but the entire beginning of our relationship was predicated on how do we get back together. Together physically and spend time together. So. But then to hopefully answer the question she's asking, we have selfish time every week. So every week we have time where we come together and then we have time where it's like whatever the other person wants to do, completely selfishly that they can do that. So. And that's critical. And it's, you know, an hour here, a couple hours there. It's, you know, it's not days and days at a time. But the important thing to note is, is because that's not what we want. Like, we actually want to spend time together. And so, yeah, this, this one, I can just tell, like, we're answering very much from our perspective. And I won't say that it's universal, but I will say that everyone needs selfish time. I think that is universal. And everybody needs together time. The balance of that, you're going to have to find for yourselves. From my perspective, it seems insanely dangerous to want. Want a very significant amount of time. It just doesn't seem relationship protective.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I think you need to ask yourself, is it distance from that specific person or is it just you need space from people because you're feeling smothered, and you're the type of person that needs to process things by yourself because I think that's important. So, like, for instance, a lot of times you want to talk things out. And sometimes when I'm either like, my emotions are too raw or I just. I know that I can't articulate what I'm feeling, like, I will say to you, I just need space, you know, so.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Interesting. Interesting. That is beyond misleading. But what's fascinating is I think you actually believe that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, oh, what do you mean?

[Tom Bilyeu]

So it's not that I want to talk things out. It's that I want to solve the problem.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You want to solve? Yeah. And you want to understand.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, like, I want to solve the

[Lisa Bilyeu]

problem this instant, and you really want to understand. Like, okay, well, what is it? Like, tell me. But sometimes I haven't processed it yet.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And that was actually a really good impression, which is precisely why you need to get space. Because I'm not saying that my. What it is, you're not delicate about it sometimes a hundred percent, which is really stupid and a bad tactic. So it's great that you're like, I'm, you know, I'm emotional right now. I'm gonna step away now. I just want to solve the fucking problem. But I've realized over time, you know what? When she says that, let her go.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Because I'm going back to having no emotional sobriety. I can predict. Even though this isn't how it feels to me, I'm almost certainly in that. Like, let's just Be done with this and solve this right now mode, which is not soft or gentle or welcoming in any way, shape or form. It is all business. It's about deadly efficiency. And so probably best that we.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I mean, going back to kind of what we were saying at the beginning of the episode, which is about learn from mistakes of the past. It's like, never have we ever got into an argument and it be like, like, we've argued our each. We've argued and pushed each other to the point of, like, solving it. It's usually like, you have to bring your guards back down. You have to hear the other person. It's not like we're. We've got two opinions. We butt heads, and then through the butting heads, we solve it. It's the. The separation of bringing down the guards. So for me, it's when I know, like, I can feel myself escalating, when I can feel like I want to, like, force my opinion on you or force my emotions. And, like, really, like, no, you're not listening. It never works out. Like, I've learned that over the period of 15 years of our marriage. So I've really learned to go, lisa, you know yourself well enough that this. There's no, keep talking now. It's never going to resolve it. I know I have to bring my guard down, so I'm telling myself these steps that I need to take. And so in that moment, I just say, I hear you. I can't articulate myself right now. I just need time. And so I'll back away. And. And I think that that's important, understanding what you need in certain times. So with this person, where they say they want distance, is it because they're just feeling smothered from people and they need to be alone? Is it that they're feeling smothered by this one person or that this one person never gives them what they feel like they need in these moments, Understanding that, I think is really important. So, yeah, it's kind of a tricky one.

[Tom Bilyeu]

One indeed.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, and it's 11 o'. Clock.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I was going to say my internal clock is going off.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right. Well, guys, thank you so much for joining us. This was a lot of fun. I didn't expect it to come up, but for any movie fans, TV show fans, all of that, be sure to check out Impact Theory Studios. We talk about some of these things. We should actually do a relationship theory episode around things that we've learned from movies, TV shows, that kind of. Of stuff. Be a lot of fun. So if you're a fan of that, go check out that Impact theory studios on YouTube if you haven't already here. Be sure to subscribe. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Bye everybody.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to Stitcher Rate and review us. That helps us build this community. And that is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can deliver, deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. All right, guys, thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.