Does Your Relationship Need Rules? | Relationship Theory (Replay)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Impact Theory — "Does Your Relationship Need Rules? | Relationship Theory (Replay)"

Date: July 14, 2023
Hosts: Tom Bilyeu and Lisa Bilyeu

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Episode Overview

This episode of Relationship Theory (a series within Tom Bilyeu’s Impact Theory podcast) tackles the question: Does your relationship need rules? Tom and Lisa Bilyeu, drawing from nearly two decades together and their experience as co-founders of Quest Nutrition, discuss the "rules of engagement” they use in their marriage and business. Through practical examples, real-time disagreements, and audience questions, the Bilyeus reveal how “dangerous questions” and clear expectations can level up intimacy, conflict resolution, and personal growth in relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Navigating Value Collisions in Relationships

• The “Tidying” Debate:
  • Lisa’s perspective: Tidiness is essential, especially since their home is both a residence and workspace with VIP guests.
  • Tom’s perspective: Efficiency is paramount; when things get “tidied," he loses track of important items, leading to inefficiency and frustration.
  • Takeaway: Collisions of values—like tidiness vs. efficiency—don’t always resolve. Instead, they require mutual understanding, respect, and system-building.
  • Quote:
    • Tom: “Collisions of values don’t get resolved. That’s the whole point about identifying what your collision of values are." (08:02)
• System-Building:
  • Lisa: Initiates concrete steps (e.g., a designated package drop-off spot) to mitigate recurring conflicts.
  • Both agree to show appreciation when new systems are trialed, even if rocky at first.

2. Relationship Revelations: Asking the Hard Questions

• 26 “Dangerous Questions” allow couples to surface deeper issues, encourage vulnerability, and catalyze real conversations.
  • Example Question: “What’s something I do that you’ll never understand?” (04:24)
• Handling “Dangerous” Questions:
  • Require both partners to be open, emotionally safe, and non-defensive.
  • Such questions can feel risky but deepen trust and intimacy if handled well.
  • Lisa: “It’s important that when we approach these questions, it’s to actually resolve things, right? …if I don’t know, I can’t fix it.” (17:17)

3. Rules of Engagement in Relationships

• Definition: Agreed-upon methods for handling disagreements, emotional triggers, and vulnerability.
• Keys to the Kingdom: (19:36–24:20)
  • Using vulnerability as a sign of trust; never weaponizing what your partner shares in a moment of openness.
  • Tom: “In your totally emotionally sober moments—deep connection, vulnerability—you lay out the truth of who you are and then as the other person, you never, ever abuse that.” (23:32)
• Practical Examples:
  • Taking a break if one partner needs it during conflict (57:13)
  • Striving for win-win outcomes, not just winning arguments.
  • Dividing “final say” in shared spaces based on who cares more about the outcome.

4. Jealousy and Insecurity: Audience Q&A

• Real-life question: A listener asks how to manage jealousy over a partner’s close opposite-sex friend. (32:46–40:25)
• Tom’s advice:
  • Identify whether jealousy is rational (based on real behavior) or rooted in one’s own insecurities.
  • If persistent insecurity is self-driven, seek personal growth, therapy if needed, and communicate openly.
  • If a partner won’t help address rational concerns, reconsider the relationship.
  • Notable Quote: “...if you feel like you’ve really looked inward, you’ve done the work, and they still just make you feel like shit, get out of the relationship.” (37:44)

5. Love Languages, Needs, & Compromise

• Clarification: Rules of engagement differ from personal needs (e.g., Lisa wanting regular couple time or massages).
• Lisa: “It can never be one sided. Ever, ever, ever, in my opinion.” (62:23)
• Tom: Always articulate why a need is important, and recognize each other’s appreciation languages when planning compromises.

6. The Role of Appreciation and Openness

• Regular positive feedback for system changes and progress prevents resentment:
  • Lisa: “I would love you to show some respect to what I’m trying to do… for our reputation, for how the house looks. I think it’s important.” (13:16)
• Encourages expressing gratitude directly.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Unresolvable Value Collisions:
  • Tom: “In this context... we can't not have it tidy. And I totally agree. But the reason I get frustrated... is because the training is that, hey, everybody, the highest value is that this not be out... not that it be... in one specific place.” (14:45)
• On “Dangerous Questions”:
  • Tom: “That is how you derail [a fun Saturday night]. Important that you actually approach these to resolve things.” (17:05)
• Jealousy & Self-Worth:
  • Lisa: “I had to fake, but over time started believing is you’ve chosen to be with me… I’m not going to put my self-esteem in someone else’s hands because—right, what if you did cheat on me? Well, then my self-esteem is crushed.” (41:02)
• On Insecurity in Relationships:
  • Tom: “If somebody isn't doing that... aren't giving you that island of security... yes, I'm going to leave.” (49:15)
• On Effective Compromise:
  • Lisa: “It has to be a give and take. If it’s one way, people just... maybe he’s feeling like it’s a prison because it’s things that he doesn’t get anything out of.” (60:29)
• Light-hearted cultural moment:
  • Lisa, on her traditional Greek grandmother’s relationship advice: “‘If he has to slap you a few times, then, you know, understand.’” (31:41)
• On the business vs. romantic relationships:
  • Tom: “Businesses come and go, man. But if you do it right, a relationship is forever.” (27:54)

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Segment Timestamps

• [03:39] – Introduction to "Relationship Revelations" and 26 dangerous questions
• [04:24] – “What’s something I do you’ll never understand?” Discussion on tidiness vs. efficiency
• [08:02] – Collisions of values and handling unresolved recurring conflicts
• [11:01] – System-building and showing appreciation for compromise
• [15:21] – Rapid-fire or in-depth? Debating episode formats
• [18:10] – Downloadable “dangerous questions” resource explanation
• [19:36] – “Rules of Engagement,” “Keys to the Kingdom,” and emotional safety
• [32:46] – Listener Q: Handling jealousy and insecurity over a partner’s “sister”-like friend
• [41:02] – Lisa’s perspective on external threats to self-esteem and real-world scenarios at Quest
• [51:58] – De-escalating arguments and finding the truth behind conflicts (“tea moments”)
• [56:11] – Rules of engagement vs. needs; how to negotiate practical requests (massages, couple time)
• [62:23] – Final thoughts on compromise and one-sidedness in relationships

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Key Takeaways

• Relationship “rules” are less about rigid commandments and more about process, strategy, and mutual respect.
• Tackling tough questions together creates trust, intimacy, and growth, but only if both partners are honest and emotionally safe.
• Rules of engagement should focus on how to navigate conflict, handle triggers, and divide decision authority, not on dictating daily behaviors.
• Recurring arguments often reflect deeper value clashes more than superficial preferences; openly naming these can enable system-based solutions.
• Strong relationships are built on explicit dialogue, gratitude, and a willingness to adjust—not on mind-reading or silent suffering.

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Resources Mentioned

• Download the 26 “Relationship Revelation” questions: impacttheory.com (see episode for details)
• Impact Theory Store for limited Valentine’s merchandise & packages: shop.impacttheory.com
• Discount code: “RULES” for episode-specific promotions (time-limited)

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This episode laces practical wisdom with real-life spousal disagreements, proving that the best rules for thriving relationships aren’t always universal—they’re discovered, tested, and refined in the everyday dance of partnership.

Transcript

[Tom Bilyeu]

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[Tom Bilyeu]

You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory. Hey, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Relationship Theory. I'm your co host Tom Bilyeu and I am here with my beloved Lisa Bilyeu.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

What's up?

[Tom Bilyeu]

What is up?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Then if people notice anything different. What's different?

[Tom Bilyeu]

It feels weird.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, it does. So he's sitting outside. I'm sitting this side. The reason?

[Tom Bilyeu]

To make the T shirts make sense, which hopefully they're visible. Mics I fear are in the way, but yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So basically it's officially Valentine's Day season.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's a thing. I didn't know that was a thing.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It's a thing now.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wow.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And so we've got limited edition scene swag that we've kind of put together. Super excited. It's been so much fun doing the photo shoot with you and kind of working on it. So we basically have merch and over the next few weeks we'll be wearing them and showing them and yeah. So right now it's our couple. See what we did there? See what we did there. And so we've actually got a whole bunch of cool stuff right now. The merch is going to be especially. We're going to have a discount code especially for the people who are watching live today. So stay tuned and we'll let you know the discount code and we're going to tease it a little.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And by the way, you can get all [e-mail].

[Lisa Bilyeu]

yes. And then also we have some. Oh, God, here we go. Sorry about that, people. We've got some. Just what is the official name that we've called it. It's like, basically 26 different questions that we've asked each other over the years that have literally changed the way that we interact with each other, our communication. And these questions are ones that can be a little dangerous and. Dangerous meaning that you have to be very open to the response because.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Meaning the response might be hard to hear.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So when we refer to something as being dangerous, we're talking about, if not handled well, it could turn into an argument because it's like, it's the real nitty gritty that you're gonna have to deal with.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

If you want an actual functioning relationship. So. But yeah, these are those.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Get to thumbs up from Michelle that we are live, because I don't. Yeah, I don't see it on the laptop, so. Oh, well, we'll keep going. All right, so let's just dive right in today. So we've got our first question. Oh, so this is actually a question that. So Again, we've done 26 questions, and this.

[Tom Bilyeu]

What are you calling it? It had a rad name.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Relationship revelation.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Relationship revelations. Nice. I like that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Are we live on our website with that yet?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Or

[Lisa Bilyeu]

the clothes alive? But is. Is the revel. The relationship revelations up yet? Yeah. Okay, so it is up. So, guys, not yet. Don't want to, like, go move away from our video, but you can actually go to the website and check out those 26 questions. And we've actually got one right now. I didn't know which one the shady old lady was going to choose, and you didn't know either, so she's just sent it to me, bated breath over here. This is one of those questions out of the 26. All right, nice and juicy. All right, baby, what's something I do that you'll just never understand?

[Tom Bilyeu]

That one's super easy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It's easy because we've asked each other these questions.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Hundred percent. But, like. And we were just talking. It is amusing to me how this remains, like, unresolved in our lives. And it is your need to hide things, like physical things, not emotional.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Explain when you say hide. Because in my world, I use the word tidy, and in his world, he used.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Because legitimately, the result of tidying things is that things of mine go missing. They've been stuffed in a drawer somewhere, put behind something, and even you won't know where they are. So that's what drives me insane, is when I put something somewhere, I at least know where it is. It may not be tidy, but I know where it is. And Efficiency is one of my highest values in life. And so things being inefficient merely for the sake of aesthetics drives me insane. It will never make sense to me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, we've had this discussion so many times and we just can't come to.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It's a collision of values. You value one thing that I have absolutely no value for and vice versa.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. What's something that you do that I'll never understand? This is silly, but like you don't care about like plastic forks and paper plates and like for me, I'm. I'm so particular like that the enjoyment of eating something or the enjoyment of drinking something to me makes all the difference when it's like at a proper knives and forks and on a plate. But you're just like, you don't care. And I just, I don't understand that. Now that's very surface. That's like one of the first things that comes to mind. But yeah, I could. I'd have to think about a deeper level. So let me think about it. Was that cheating?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Now that. That's like uber cheating. Like the whole. These are relationship revelations.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

True. Okay, so I'm surprised that you don't come.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Like this isn't preloaded, like right. Like on the tip of your tongue, like wanting to fall out. Like my thing. I bring up you hiding my stuff once a week, minimum.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. I mean, to be honest, here's the truth. In fact, here's the truth. The thing I don't understand is that you can't believe that I tidy.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, I can believe you tidy, but you don't. But it's level of absurdity.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, but for me, like so. And the reason why. And this is actually a collision of our values that we haven't resolved yet.

[Tom Bilyeu]

There isn't. That's the whole thing about collision of values. There is no resolution.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Still complain about it every time because

[Tom Bilyeu]

it has real world implications.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And it does to me too. So here's my real world implications. We work out of our house, we shoot out of the house. We have celebrities, influencers, business people coming in and out of the house every single day. And if it was left up to you, you would leave dirty paper towels, you would leave empty boxes wrapping. You would just leave it everywhere. And so my collision of values with you is it makes such a difference of impressions.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay, so I'm going to stop you there. Say that we, because we've lived this, let's say we don't work out of our house. Is it any different?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I would be less Intense about it. I would.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Vicious lives we have lived this I wouldn't know.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I have been.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's so fascinating.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You leave your socks on the floor. I never say anything.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, that's not true. What do you mean you would pick them up? I mean that, like, that stuff is so surface. Like, don't waste time with the surface stuff. Like, get to the right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But the core thing is the tiding. Like, to me, it's such. And we're going to like, keep. I guess it's something that we haven't resolved. And so I would love the appreciation of why I do it. But you don't understand.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, no. In fact, can I give you your perspective? Because what I want people to understand, and it's. What's fascinating in this conversation to me is collisions of values don't get resolved. That's the whole point about identifying what your collision of values are. And if the. Go ahead.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But don't you think that you should at least show respect for why. So I totally respect.

[Tom Bilyeu]

What do you mean by that?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I'll show you. I totally respect why you don't like me tied in.

[Tom Bilyeu]

In what way do you respect it?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That I recognize that for you, the time that you would spend on it is taking you away from moving the business forward.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So when you say respect, you just mean understand.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And I don't understand why you. But I don't. I don't moan at you for it. I don't go and say to you, babe, I told you, it's to me to pick up the box. I just do it myself. So I respect that. I'm not going to waste your time doing it because for you, you so value your time that I don't want to rob you of that. So I show respect. But I don't bug you about it. I just do it myself. So I would love. And I don't understand why you don't do the reverse as well, where you're like, so.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But give me an example of what the reverse actually would be in the real world. Because here's the reality. You see the things that I leave out. I can't see the things once they're gone. And then my only interaction with it is when I can't find it and I need it. And now, like multiple times, literally in the last week, I've had to rebuy things because you don't know where you've put them.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Well, and that's actually another thing that we kind of battle over. I would say was a battle.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And by the way I'm only continuing down this line because every time after an episode where I'm like, we went way too long on that, you guys both say, the audience loves hearing us work through things in real time. Otherwise, I'd be like, we need to.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Do you like us? Yeah, I mean, I guess. Let's ask the audience, do you want us to keep going or move on to the next question?

[Tom Bilyeu]

This is purely an example of how we walk through things.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So, for instance, so yesterday I slacked the entire team and said, all right, guys, because I'm. I'm listening to your frustration, I'm taking it on as part of my responsibility as well, because I think we need to resolve it, because we do butt heads on it. And so I slacked the entire team and I said, all right, guys, from now on, we need a spot where any packages that come in need to go there. Because what happens is there's like 12 people that work at the house every single day. And when something goes missing, you blame me. And that doesn't make me feel good because I'm not responsible for every single person and what they do when an Amazon package comes. But I don't blame other people. I say, how is this my fault? How can I help? Because I noticed that it frustrates you. So what I did yesterday is like, okay, let's start getting more organized. So I'm starting to do that. But what I would love in response, as I'm doing that, and as you can see that I'm really trying to work to resolve it, I would love for you to not just turn and be the direct point at me, like, where did you put it? Because you get frustrated with me.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But I explained that to you, and this is one of those where. What I hope people take away from this conversation is when you have a collision of values, like actually identifying and understanding what the value system is at play and understanding that those don't go away. So there might be ways for you to address it, which is, if you remember, the reason that you've gone to the team and said that, is because I said, here's what's happening. Here's why I come to you, because you have trained the team to hide things, which I use that word on purpose, and I will never stop, because that's the end result. The end result, whether it's meant to be tidy or whatever. The solution that has been baked into the team from the. The very kind and wonderful woman who comes and cleans our house, but has been trained by you to Hide things. The team who's been trained by you to hide things so that when there isn't one place where that happens, then it literally turns into this nightmare of inefficiency from both financially, because I routinely have to rebuy things because nobody can figure out where it went to. Someone might know where it is, but, like, I can't find it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay, so can we agree if I put it things in place with the team where it's like, all right, guys, all boxes that get delivered, if you're signing for anything that comes goes in this place. So that's tactic number one. Then I'll speak to our cleaning lady and I'll figure out how we work around that. But if these things are put into place, what I would like in return is for you not to then turn to me and immediately blame me and get frustrated with me, because then it's other people not following the systems that I've put in place.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, 100%. And once we have that, then that becomes very simple. And if you remember, we did start this once before, and I created a magic box, and all anybody ever had to do was put something in my magic box. It got fucking moved. And now, welcome to my nightmare. But you know that I didn't move it, right?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay. Just like a hundred percent to the core of your soul. You know that where that magic box was.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It would still be if it were up to me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So even the fucking magic box got moved.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I know. So it's like, I'll redo a magic box.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You feeling my pain yet?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But at the same time, what I would love back right now is you just get frustrated with me. I would love you to show some respect to what I'm trying to do for the business sake and. And show some appreciation that I am doing it for the. For the guests, for the company, for our reputation, for, like, how the house looks like it's important. I think it's important. And you. I would love you to trust that that's accurate because you don't value tidiness. But I really do believe that being tidy and having the house in a certain way does have an influence on how people think.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But do you think that we actually disagree about that?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I think. I don't think you're very open about your appreciation of it. Yeah, no, I don't think.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, I. I don't have any appreciation for it because the system hasn't been put in place. So to me, it's like you're doing. You're doing it not out of that desire. That is honestly a convenient excuse to try to get me to value it as well. It's what I really believe, because you've done this our entire time together, which we've only been working out of the house for the last year. So this has been, like, the biggest beef that we have in our relationship, ironically, for 17 years. So in. In this context, I get it. And the backstop is that we can't not have it tidy. And I totally agree that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay.

[Tom Bilyeu]

100%. But the reason that I get frustrated and the reason that I come to you and I say, look, I'm looking at you because of this, even though it probably was somebody on the team, because the training is that, hey, everybody, the highest value is that this not be out. Not that it be. You know, it doesn't need to be out in my world. It just needs to be in one specific place.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay, I can keep going. I think we should move on. But I'm very. As you guys can see, it's still a discussion that we're ongoing. And look, I think that we'll work through it and we'll figure it out. But I think that's probably interesting that

[Tom Bilyeu]

you keep coming back to that. I don't think that we'll ever. I think we'll come up with systems that allow us to get, like, that's

[Lisa Bilyeu]

what I mean by figure it out. Like, otherwise, we'll just keep battling for the rest of our lives, but coming up with systems. Because if I've got systems in place, then I would love to then see the appreciation shown that I'm making an effort to put systems in place to alleviate your frustration.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No question.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But I'm looking for that response from

[Tom Bilyeu]

you, just FYI the like, hey, really well done for this.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like, thank you. You've heard me. You've listened, you've tried to take action that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Because no question.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And I'm looking for that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, I think that's very fair and very important to note that you say that and you just say, hey, I'm doing this, and this is what I'm looking for. And I think that's super useful.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, I think you need to. Because if I went to all of that and you were just like, well, yeah, that's a problem. You need to solve it. Like, that doesn't encourage me to want to solve other problems.

[Tom Bilyeu]

100%.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right. Thank you for bearing with. With us on that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I hope bearing with us, that either is precisely what the audience wants or. Or in the Future. We won't do that because I have no need to. You know me. I want to do these rapid fire, everybody. The argument that we have every episode when this shuts down is I want to fucking answer, like, 50 questions instead of six. So that was me going off of you guys saying that this. That we get feedback and the audience loves it. So if that's a bearing with us in the future, we should never do that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right? So we just asked the audience. Guys, put in the comments below. Do you like these longer discussions or do you want rapid fire? More like what you want.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, buddy, those rapid answers.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But to show that one question. So we've got 26 questions that, I mean, we just cut our conversation short. So imagine how long those 26 questions took us to answer.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And you see, that's danger, right? Like, we were in the danger zone. Like, if you're trying to have a fun Saturday night, that is not the fucking question to ask. I will tell you that right now. That is how you derail. That is how you derail.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It's important that when we approach these questions, it's to actually resolve things, right? It's like, okay, you have to be open here. He loves me. He's not digging at me. But this is a true problem that he has, and if I don't know, I can't fix it, right?

[Tom Bilyeu]

And, like, it is so interesting to me that I fully get and understand that you look at my value and think that doesn't make sense as such a high thing. And I look at yours and go, God, that doesn't make sense. It's such a high thing. But to, like you said, really find systems, something, some way to, like, finally hit equilibrium with it, right? Or homeostasis, however you want to think of it. Like, we're never going to see the other person. Like, we're never going to internalize the other person's value system, even though we can articulate each person's value system. But you're absolutely right that you can come up with something that allows you to hit equilibrium.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. So, guys, to get all 26 of these questions, you can download Dangerous, dangerous questions.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Some of them, though, are pretty fun.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I mean, some of them are saucy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Some of them are fun. And then didn't we break. Well, so we're working on a bigger project, and in the bigger project, they're broken down by, like, all right, these are fucking danger zone questions.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

These are fun, playful, etc.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So dangerous.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, some of them are fun.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You can download the PDF. You can download the PDF@impact theory.com so go over there and you can download it for free. All right, so we're going to get to a fan kickoff question.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Do it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, so this is from Rima Akili. It went downhill after I started the first syllable. Hi, guys. Thank you so much for everything you do. You're amazing. I discovered you not too long ago and I am already changing and implementing some of your philosophies such as it's all my fault and be so good they can't ignore you. My husband and I love your show and talk about it on a daily basis. Looking for advice and seeing what we can adopt in our own lives. You've talked before about the rules of Eng. Such as the keys of given, the keys to the kingdom and then the letter that you wrote yourself. Question. Can you go a little deeper into what those are? So the keys to the kingdom and walls of engagement and how did you come to creating them?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Absolutely. So a lot of this honestly comes from neuroscience and even like what we were just talking about. It all comes down to getting to something that is truly effective. I spend a lot of time reading, researching the human brain, understanding how it works, all of that. And so have tried to implement things like the letter, which was about understanding the physical hooks into your emotional state. So the letter was about reminding myself that there's a very easy physical way to break out of a bad mood, which is to laugh out loud. So the letter was really designed to get me to laugh out loud, knowing that that would break the neurochemical pattern of whatever was upsetting me and that I would then be out of that and I could get to an emotionally sober state, as we often refer to it. So that I would say basically all of our rules of engagement sit on the back of experience and research. Not research that we did, but research that we've read about and experience that we've had. The. What was the other one? There was the letter and there was keys of the kingdom. So keys of the kingdom came from like you'll. You will find, I hope, man, Christmas,

[Lisa Bilyeu]

like given the gift that they want, not the gift that you want.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I don't remember if that's where it started. I definitely trust you. So if you remember that that's where it started. We both know that you're far better at that than I am. But yeah, I mean, certainly a Christmas list falls into that. Not expecting the other person to mind read or even think like you think like you would all year like, if I mentioned something off the cuff, like, you'd take a little note or something. But I wouldn't do even occur to me, like, it didn't like, penetrate that level of my psyche. So until like, say, December, like, if around December 15, you'd say something like that, I think, oh, wow. But then it's probably too late. So because I wasn't good at that and many other things that one of us would be good at, the other one wouldn't. It just didn't seem smart to test the other person. And quite frankly, like, I would watch these movies. It's this whole theory that I have about Much Ado About Nothing, where so many romantic comedies, it's Much Ado about Nothing. It's like, oh, if you'd just been honest about that really awkward thing, like,

[Lisa Bilyeu]

the movie wouldn't exist, right?

[Tom Bilyeu]

It wouldn't spiral out of control and become like this whole big drama. And there's no reason in real life that's not funny nor romantic. So letting things spiral out of control when real, honest, hard communication, yes, I get sometimes it's difficult. But doing that would immediately solve the problem that became the backbone for the Keys of the Kingdom. Knowing that you'll be in these moments where you just feel so connected, so in love, so, like, open to being vulnerable, that you know they wouldn't attack you and that they're receptive and that they can hear you and that you could share. Like, hey, when you do that, it makes me feel XYZ kind of way. Like you even now saying, like, hey, I'm doing this and I'm really looking for praise. Like, I need that to know that you hear me, that you understand what I'm going through. Like, most people can't say that. They can allow themselves a vulnerability to say, I need that, like, pat on the back, right? So when you're in those moments where you really feel like you can tell somebody something, that's the keys to the kingdom, right, Is you're being raw and honest and knowing, like, wow, they could really use this against me. But they're not going to. And I'm going to capitalize on this moment where we're super connected. And that was way more of an issue for us when we first got together. And it's like, it takes time to really see. Like, well, they could have abused me right there with that trust that I gave them. But they didn't. And they didn't. Again and again and again and again. And in your darkest, weakest moments, again, they don't they don't kick things back in your face that even in those times where it's like, and I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but this has happened to me many times and you get so much respect and credit for this. Where we'll be in an argument and something that I've confessed to you like three years ago that you know about me, like, you could use right there to shut the argument down and I'd be like, fuck, but you don't. And it's like I'm always like, wow, she's got like the, the. The mean way. It would be very mean to like bring that thing back up and you don't, but if you did, it would be like a trump card in the argument. And it's always like you get massive amounts of respect because I know that you have like the. My kryptonite to everything, right? And you never pull it out. So that's super, super impressive. Anyway, that's how people earn that respect. That's how you get the keys of the kingdom. In your totally emotionally sober moments. Deep connection, vulnerability, all that, you lay out the truth of who you are and then as the other person, you never, ever abuse that. You use it only in positive and uplifting ways. Premier hosts on VRBO deliver quality vacation rental stays with fast responses and clear instructions so you don't have to worry about surprises.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I asked our host a question about the house last night and he got back to me super quick.

[Tom Bilyeu]

See, that's the premier host move right there.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I wish I had a premier group chat. I asked them where we should have dinner last night and they left me on read. I know you saw it. It says it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

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[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, I don't see the, the point in trying to bring someone down. Like, right, because it may have worked to get the result that I wanted in that argument. Like, did I want to win or did I want to make you feel bad? But, like, it doesn't resolve it. And that's why I don't like crying when we argue. Like, there are many times where, like, we've got into an argument and if I feel teary, I'll, like, turn my back or, like, I'll try and, like, hold back on, like, having them, you know, come down my face, or I'll, like, excuse myself and go to the toilet or something. And the reason being is that I know what that's going to do to you, right? I know that that's immediately going to bring you down from your anger and be like, oh, shit, I've upset her. You're going to now start to worry about my feelings and how I feel, but it won't get to the actual resolution of what we're discussing. And so I don't think it helps. I think it just. It's a manipulation. And I'm very aware of that. And so I don't want us to come to a resolution based on the fact that I've manipulated you emotionally. Because, again, like, it may be great for that moment, right? Like, oh, my God, I've won this argument. Or, like, he's finally backed down, but it's going to come up again, right? Because if we haven't resolved it, then it will. So, yeah, I think as much as I can. And the funny thing is, you're always like, baby, I know you're crying. I'm not, but. Okay, so moving on. So next question. Next question.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I hear a lot of clacking over there.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay, so we've actually got an announcement for a giveaway. So we're. We've got these merch guys you can check out on our store. We've got some bundles, though, as well, so you can buy, like, two shirts or, like, a mug and a shirt and stuff like that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I love the way you say that word, by the way. Bundle, bundle, bundle, bundle.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So if you guys buy a bundle at the store before Valentine's Day, you'll be entered to win a call with us.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So that'd be kind of fun. Yeah, it'd be super exciting.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I love doing those.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

The Cool.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. So, yeah, so visit our store, guys, and then also download the PDF of the 26 questions. And now we're moving on to the Would you rather segment. Drum roll, please. Would you rather which Answer with us, guys? Drop in the comments as we answer. Always love to go back and see your comments. All right, so would you rather be in a relationship with no rules of engagement or a business partnership with no rules of engagement.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, look, businesses come and go, man. But if you do it right, a relationship is forever. So I would much rather be in a dysfunctional business relationship, like by a factor of a thousand.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, yeah, Agreed. All right. Would you rather have the inability to ask questions or the inability to answer questions? Yeah. That's really interesting for you.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. Okay. The honest answer is I'd rather not be able to ask questions. I don't feel good about that. But that's. That's the truth, because here's the company

[Lisa Bilyeu]

then falls apart without answering questions.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I speak not so I can be understood, but so I can understand. When I read that, I was like, my whole world stopped. I was like, that is so true for me. So that's. That's the reality. I need to be able to process verbally.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Minds ask. Would you.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I guess we work out well.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I know. Yeah. Would you rather.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's really interesting. That's actually an amazing insight into our relationship.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You'd rather be able to ask.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Which I think is so true of you.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, next question. Would you rather set rules of engagement with your partner and have them broken or never set rules in the first place?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, have them set and broken. Because there may be a reason that you break the rule of engagement. It may need to be refined. It may need to be killed or gotten done away with, whatever the case may be, but to not have any. Wow.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You know what I find interesting? I like it when you answer first because you actually get me thinking in ways I don't. I wouldn't normally think. So keep answering first.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, it's super interesting because anybody watching closely will realize that, call it. 70% of the time, you're just waiting for me to respond, and then 30% of the time, you're like, you'd knock the mic out of the way because you're like, I got something to say. I love that. I love it when you, like, really have, you know, some super strong opinion about it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right. Would you rather only text your partner for the rest of your life or have all conversations with no eye contact?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Would you rather walk to school or carry a lunch? Like, what? Say that again.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Would you rather only text your partner for the rest of your life or have all conversations with no eye contact? So basically.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But basically both. I'm texting you, but I'm looking in your eye.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, I guess that then, yeah, I'd rather text. Would be able to look at you for sure. It's better than I thought at First, I thought that was pretty good.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Such a difference makes such a difference. And that's why, in fact, even when we're arguing or we're disagreeing, like, I don't know if, you know, I make it a point to look in your

[Tom Bilyeu]

eyes as opposed to what?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You know, sometimes, like, people, like, turn away from each other and.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, I guess I. Yeah, I definitely make. I look at your eye. But there are times where I will look away on purpose because I know how intense I can be. And so, like, even five minutes ago, I was thinking, I know what my face looks like right now because I do not have. I don't have a generous, neutral face, unfortunately. I have resting bitch face in the extreme. And so, like, you were, like, really into saying something, and I thought, oh, fuck. What she sees on my face is actually, like, it will look like I'm annoyed. Yeah, I really hate that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, guys. Please submit your questions. We're answering them live. Drop them in the comments below, and we'll answer them. All right. Oh, we've got one more. Would you rather. Would you rather have your grandma or a stranger set the rules of engagement in your relationship? But definitely not my grandmother.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You're. I would love for your grandmother to set the rules of engagement. Yeah. You just have to do everything I said.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. So true story. My grandmother pulled me aside and was like, look, if he has to slap you a few times, like, then, you know, understand. Like, literally. That's what my. My lovely Greek grandmother from the village. That's her words of wisdom.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I think that's crazy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I mean, look, I don't judge her. That's the world that she.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, I mean, bless. And if they could see her and understand like, how archetypally like, old world Grandma.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

She was 4 foot 10, tiny, tiny.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wearing that outfit that makes her look. Quite frankly, like, when we think of the old Russian grandmother, that's kind of what your grandmother. Even though she wasn't Russian, but the. The Orthodox religion.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Which is actually tied between Greeks and Russians.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So yours is my grandmother, and mine is a stranger.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. I mean, they're both horrific. They're both horrific. But, yes, I'll go with your grandmother just because I know her.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And I could ignore her.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, guys.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Engagement.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So I want to bring up an issue that actually came about in the impact theory league this week.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Where somebody posted a question and a. It was so cool to see that someone, like, how they reach out to each other in this community is amazing. And then just there was, like, over like 120 comments. Back of advice. And so I actually wrote in as well and gave a little like of my thinking behind it. But with writing, obviously you can't go into like the nuances. And so just wanted to bring this question up because it was really interesting. And this is from Noreen. I need help. I'm extremely possessive and jealous person and I'm losing all self control. I know that I'm wrong, but I can't help myself. And it's. And it's badly affecting my relationship. To be precise, I'm immensely jealous of my partner's female friend who claims to be his sister. She's all lovey dovey. I think it's like, oh, he's my brother, like that type of thing.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Got it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

She's all lovey dovey and unnecessarily mushy with him and calling him her elder brother who's always there for her and never failed her. I know I shouldn't have to worry, but it bothers me. I've given him an ultimatum to remove her from his Facebook and his life. His decision is to keep her. I feel humiliated. And now I don't know how to deal with this. What can I do to be positive and to overcome this negativity that is eating me up like a termite?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, so, wow. Amazing question. So much vulnerability. I am so, so, so grateful for that. And now, and I say this, I am not trying to make light of it, even though this is is going to be funny if you know the reference. It's like that episode of Friends where he's like, oh, it really is his sister, but they are so weird and they like take baths together and you know, all kinds of crazy shit. And it, it from the outside, I have no idea if she's just like way oversensitive or if she actually has reason to worry.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So worried because you. You're saying that he would do something

[Tom Bilyeu]

if they really are inappropriate. Like, I get why that would be weird. So let's take you and Theo when we first met and you guys were like really close, very affectionate with each other. And none of it triggered my jealousy whatsoever.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Just to let people know, like, I'd sit on his lap, I tell him I love him 100. He was like my brother.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And it was so clear that that was the vibe, right? So on paper it's like people might go, whoa, that's weird. But in reality you were like, look, I'm super close to him. I'm never going to not be close with Him. I mean, you really drew a line in the sand because you'd had a jealous boyfriend before me. And so I was like, look, if you guys are just super close and it's not weird or sexual, like, I don't care.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like, I don't think that's normal. I don't think even in that same situation where you can definitely see that I'm not, you know, it wasn't a romantic thing, that other guys wouldn't have reacted like that. Babe, let's get to why. Yeah, let's get to why.

[Tom Bilyeu]

At the end of the day, it comes. The person is triggering your insecurity. So what I'm trying to get to with her is, are they triggering your insecurity for good reason? Because there are things that you could do that would trigger my insecurity. So then it would be a case of communicating that. And if you kept doing it now, like, and because I. I'm not, like, I'm not devoid of insecurities by any means, but I'm not, like, rapidly insecure. So once you trigger my insecurities, you're going a long fucking way to, like, trying to wind me up. So if I said, hey, look, that's really making me insecure, and you kept pushing it, I'd be like, now we have a problem. Because, A, I give you all the latitude in the world, and you're still, like, going beyond. Like, if you think most people would think you and Theo being as close and affectionate as you were when we first met, that most people would think was craz, and you're still going all the way to where I'm actually triggered, like, that's madness, right? But if somebody's, like, legitimately triggered super early just because they're wildly insecure and they have not done the work. And the thing is, she sounds so self aware in the question, which makes me think, wow. Like, normally people that are that self aware, it's not that they're triggered super early, because if they know they're being triggered super early, they do the work, they overcome it. So it's like, I would need to see into their world to find out. So now I'm going to abstract it and just say, the only time that you feel jealous or any of that is because they've triggered an insecurity. You need to turn inward and figure out, why am I insecure? What exactly is it that I'm insecure about? Is it that I don't think I'm pretty enough? I don't think I'm Smart enough. I don't think I'm the right person. Like, really identify what it is about that person. And the truth is, if they're getting to that point where they're triggering you all the time, you feel like you've really looked inward, you've done the work, and they still just make you feel like shit, get out of the relationship. Like, I would not be with you if you made me feel terribly about myself.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But what if you would do seemed irrational.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Then you've got to do the work. Like, if that means going to therapy, go to therapy. But at some point, you just have not identified the truth of why that thing triggers you. Because here's the thing, like, and I often use height in men as an example because there's nothing they can do. And I know that guys are really triggered by this. By height, by height. And you and I know somebody that was really triggered by their height. And it was so heartbreaking to watch because they were such an exceptional human being and they just, they, they couldn't get past it. And I remember looking at them going, dude, I think you're fucking cool. I think you're sharp. I think you're a great provider. Like all the, like every other thing about a guy that you could want to value them for that society at large would value them for, except height. And they just let it fucking wash over everything. And so my advice to somebody like that were a. It's real, okay? It's real. Like, you can security 100. No, no. The, the thing that you're insecure about, it is worthy of being insecure about. Meaning. If you read the studies, the one thing that women go for, like almost universally, height. They dig dudes that are tall. That's just the reality. You're going to do better in business. It's like up to 6, 5. I think you do better in business for every inch taller that you are. So, like, height is real in guys, okay? Now there's nothing you can do about it. So you can either go, this insecurity does not serve me. This is one of the ways I tell people do and believe that, which moves you towards your goals. So if being like, literally you have to say, I am insecure about my height. Height is a real thing. It doesn't serve me to be insecure about it because there's nothing I can do. And so therefore I'm going to fucking let go of it. And Tom Cruise is like five, five guys, very short, insanely accomplished. Sylvester Stallone, short, very accomplished. They just at some point they just let it go or they leverage it in a positive way. Right. So being able to do that, I think is super critical. I don't feel like I'm really able to capture this. But it's like you've, you've either do the work to identify it or if you've identified it and can't get over it, that's bad on you. If the person is doing shit to wind you up and you like, you can't get equilibrium in the relationship, get out. Like, even if you recognize, oh, this is totally me and I'm in the process of doing the work, I don't know how long it's gonna take me. I'm really hung up on this. I would not fucking stay in a relationship that made me feel badly about myself. Like, just no way. So if you're a guy and your trigger is being short, then get with a girl that's even shorter than you.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Like, don't stay in a relationship that, that makes you feel badly about yourself.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And it's very hard, like I think for a female at least, because you can't help but judge yourself against other women. And so, you know, depending on how she feels about herself and then how that other person comes across her, like, does she feel like, oh my God, she's prettier than me or like that can really like get in your head. And I used to have a boyfriend that was always jealous. And because he was jealous with me, I was kind of jealous back with him. And then, but that was in my early years. And then I remember when I met you and I'd built my self confidence up and kind of, you know, felt like I was a, you know, had really had self esteem that I didn't have before. I remember saying, like, I'm going to always be honest about my male friendships because he's, he's like family. And if someone doesn't understand that, it's only going to get worse over time. But if I've just met you and you're jealous, well, forget it. A year down the line you're really going to be jealous because then you feel like you have some sort of ownership over me. So I was always very honest with that. And then also the one thing that was difficult at first, I had to fake, but over time started believing is you've chosen to be with me and I've chosen to be with you. And if you're showing and you're flirting with other people and you're not, we're not working together for us to have a secure relationship and then I have the strength to walk away and that I'm not going to put my self esteem in someone else's hands because. Right, what if you did cheat on me? Well, then my self esteem is crushed. And so I just remind myself of, he's chosen to be with me. If he didn't want to be with me, then don't be with me. And this came up very frequently over time when we were at Quest. So there was a lot of fitness competitors, female, who flirted with you at events. Right. It's they know who you are, they see the size of Quest. And over time I started seeing more and more girls touching your shoulder, flicking their hair. And in those moments, I had a choice. I can come up to you and be like, you know, I can't believe you were talking to her. Well, that doesn't help or make sense for the business. This is like our community, so you have to embrace it. Second of all, I find you incredibly attractive. And so if another woman finds you attractive, like, I get it. And then thirdly, what was the third one that I used to tell myself, oh, that you've chosen to be with me and you know exactly who I am. And so, like, if I'm looking at this other woman going, she's got better boobs than I have or she's got a better butt than I have and you choose to cheat on me because of that, then our connection and what we had was clearly not meaningful to you as it was to me. So I would rather know and walk away because if it takes another girl who may be slightly younger than me or younger than me, have a better booty with me, if, if it's those little things that take you to cheat on me, then we don't have the strong bond that I want and I'm looking for in a relationship. So I tell myself those. It gives me the strength to then go, well, do I stay in this relationship or not?

[Tom Bilyeu]

100.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, moving on. So we've got some fan shout outs today. We've got Deborah Concarve Kimin, who also deals with the tidying issue with her partner. Thank you, Deborah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

How do you know what side she's on?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Ah, here's the thing. I'm betting because she's female.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like statistically, I don't know why. You can probably explain why, but we don't want to go into that now. But I'm assuming that she's like me and wants things tidy. Nesting. Yeah, you're right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Pregnant Women cleaning the floor with a toothbrush. It gets pretty crazy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And special shout out, thank you to everyone who responded to the questions on the rapid fire. Always love people playing along with that. Oh, sorry. They responded to whether they want rapid fire versus long discussions.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Let's hear it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It's a little bit of a mix. It's a mix. Interesting. All right, A lot of people like the longer discussion.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, we keep coming back to that. I want. I want data, I want numbers.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And then I've got a very, very special shout out today to the shady old lady's mother.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wow.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Who watches this show live. And I'm sure a lot of people hear us talk about the shady old lady. She's a producer, part of Impact Theory team. Freaking awesome. We used to be together at Quest. Love her so much. And, yeah, she's amazing. And so she works very hard on this show. She was actually the one that helped, basically spearheaded this whole campaign. So everyone do big shout out to shady old lady and her mum.

[Tom Bilyeu]

There it is.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, moving on to the next question. And this is from Pod Guru. You say not to be in a relationship if you're insecure about yourself, but what's the case? All right, let me finish and then you can address it. You say not to be in a relationship if you're insecure about yourself, but what's the case if you love the person you're with? Can you just leave so easily?

[Tom Bilyeu]

So what I said was, I wouldn't stay in a relationship if the person is making me feel badly about myself. So we all have insecurities. I have insecurities, but I'm in a relationship and it's amazing. And you don't. In fact, you're super supportive about my insecurities and not in, like, a fake, cheesy way about, like, for instance, let's say that I was short. You wouldn't be like, oh, you're not short, you're so tall. Like, you would be like, look, I'm with you because of XYZ reasons. And you would give me real reasons that would be very compelling to me. And it's like, that doesn't matter. Like, I will give you the example that as a woman, I think probably is most women's biggest concern, and that is, as they age, that their man will be interested in a younger woman. So my thing is, look youthful. Women will always be attractive. That is a law of nature. And in fact, there is a fascinating graph that shows the age that a woman is interested in is usually within, like, four or five years of the age that she is. So if she's 60, she's into guys that are like 55 to, like 65. For guys, the answer is, no matter what their age, 22, 65, 22. So that we don't totally derail from where I was headed. So knowing that from just like an attractive standpoint, young women will always be attractive to guys, no matter the age. The same will be true for me. But you know that my highest value is shared experience.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And the only thing that terrifies me is losing you and having to start over because I will have this memory of all this shared experience that is now gone. And so it's like, I get why some people just never get back with anybody, because the thought of, like, having to go through that process and rebuild to the. To where it's so meaningful and valuable to me, which is just the. The number of things we've been through, good and bad. And it's like, I love that, like, that shared experience is the juice for me. So you know that, okay, yeah, I won't be like, my physical attractiveness will go down, but you know that I have mechanisms to protect against that, that I will always find a way to, like, be way into you, even on a physical level. But at the end of the day, it's having reinforced in you that what I'm into and that you see the truth of it, what I'm into is that shared experience. And so even though you, if you don't now, will ultimately, I'm sure, develop an insecurity about your looks and as you get older and turn to a bag of wrinkles, I think it's just natural. But you will have this gigantic island of security around knowing what I really value and that I've made you feel that over years and years and years. So to answer the question, it's. If somebody isn't doing that, if they're not giving you that island of security, if they're not showing you that they're into for something that is about the growth and the longevity and who you are and the good things you have, despite any things you might be rightfully insecure about, I want people to hear that there are things about you that you are rightfully insecure, meaning that the bulk of the world will not appreciate that thing about you, and that person is still into you, even though they see that shit clear as day. They know that about you and they are still way into you. So going back to the guy that we both know that's short, like There have been people in his life that are way into him. It's not like they don't fucking know. He's short, so he's the only one that can't, like, get over it. So that's where the heartbreak comes in, is when people are insecure about something and the other person, like, isn't doing anything to help them with it, or the other person is, and they can't get over it. And that's where it gets difficult, is insecurity is not sexy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And I literally was about to say that, like, I remind myself of that, that it's not sexy. So when there are times I'm like, oh, babe, like, am I getting a bag or something? I just think, well, hang on a minute. I'm not making myself more attractive to him. I can't maybe help the fact that I'm getting bags. And maybe I can, like, see a specialist or whatever, which I'm very open to. Like, I have no qualms about, like, plastic surgery or anything like that. I don't know if I would do it, but I'm not opposed to it. But I can't do anything about the fact that I'm actually aging.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So, yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. I mean, that to me, is. Is where all of this falls apart. So, no, I wouldn't leave somebody easily. Like, to me, I don't even make jokes about you and I getting divorced ever, because that's so, like, the last resort to me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. I was going to say, just as a side note that, yeah, that's been one thing that I've been very aware of over time. Obviously, we've been together for a long time now, and that, you know, like, at the end of the day, I am getting older. And I think women do struggle with it because of that statistic. Right. Where guys are always going to be innately drawn to younger women. And so it came to a point where I remember telling myself, like, lisa, there's nothing you can do about aging. It's how you respond to it that is in your control. So do I respond to aging by freaking out, by being more insecure as each age, as each year goes? Or do I respond to it saying, okay, now it's an. We're closer. This last year, we've bonded more. We've got to understand each other more. I still try and make an effort to look good for you, but going back to what I'd said earlier about jealousy, it's like, I can't do anything about me aging. So if you're going to leave me for a younger person, then there's nothing I can do about that. If that's what you're drawn to. Right. Like, oh, she's younger, she's pretty, so I'm gonna leave you. There's nothing I can do. So beating myself up, feeling insecure isn't going to help. It's only going to make you notice my insecurities. Right. You said it's not attractive.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right. And to finish answering his question. So knowing all of those things that I just said, if somebody is still making me feel badly about myself, they're not giving me that island of security. Yes, I'm going to leave.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, but you have to make sure you've done all the steps and done the. Try the communication first.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. I mean, by a country mile.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. All right, next question. This is from Chris Barry.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Chris Berry.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Chris Barry in the house. So I've known Chris for a very long time. A very long time.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You have. What is your favorite way to get out of the this is not about the tea moment and back into loving, loving, enjoyable place.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Into a loving, enjoyable place that is literally all about getting to the truth of the argument. And once you get to the truth of the argument, one, there is this great sense of relief usually when you're like, this is what this is about, because then it feels resolvable when it's about the t. The other person just seems crazy to you because you're like, how do they not, like, see, like, how ridiculous it is to xyz, Right? So, so once you identify, like, what this really is about, there's that initial sense of, oh, wow. And it becomes this powerful insight. Then it's like, okay, you're probably now at a value system argument. So it's about, okay, how do we show respect for the other person? Which is you just have to have that thing about yourself where it's like, I want to show respect. The fact that we've gotten to 17 years in with the eternal hide, don't hide thing is because at the end of the day, it's like, neither of us are willing to, like, let this erupt into something big. Right? So it's like, I get it. I know that this is a value system. I know that you really believe in your stance that it's important to you. And so it's. It's never going to happen just by yelling and freaking out. So it's like talking about it and the fact that we're now getting to the point where we're putting a new system you know, we've had a year now where it's. It's had to be handled differently. And we're still talking about it, still able to hear each other, still wanting to, like, do the right thing by the other person to make it a livable situation for them. And so now we've got a new solution and we're putting it in place. Right. Like being able to communicate openly, but so bringing it back to exactly what he asked. Like, when you have that initial realization, then you begin talking at a value system and you're bringing in all your rules of engagement about, I want this person to win, I want them to shine, I want them to be happy. Like, so where, like, how aggressively can I make a compromise in order to make sure that this is tenable for both of us, that I'm not just being a doormat, because if something's important to me, then I'm gonna make sure that we find some way. But when you want for a solution that works for both of you, like you actually want for that, like, you don't want to win, you don't want to be the one in charge. Like, you want to find a solution where the other person is like, wow, this feels really good. Thank you for working with me on this. Then you're just back in the right place mentally. And then worst case, force yourself to laugh out loud. Which has been, while ridiculous, sounding a huge win for me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Really is. I've got nothing to add. That was great answer.

[Tom Bilyeu]

There it is.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, we've got announcements. We have a discount code for anybody that wants to go to the site and purchase any of our Valentine's.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, we've got a few Valentine's season.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Valentine's season.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And we have different shirts, sweaters. So go check them out. Different things on the shirts and you can switch out. So I also will have a power tank that I'll be wearing and you have a couple sweater that you'll be wearing. And so the discount code is Only available until 1pm today, Pacific Standard time. Not playing around, but every episode that we do from now until Valentine's Day. If you guys are watching live, we'll do a new discount code and it'll be available within a certain period of time.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay. And then everybody that shops yet everybody that shops between now and Valentine's Day. If I'm mistaken, bundle that buys the bundle only.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Correct.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay. So if you buy the bundle, you're entered to win a call with your Skype call.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Skype call between me video. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Can we give the code?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You should have them put the code. Oh, so. Well, it's. It's 10 off. Oh, it is. That's hilarious. So the code is rules. And if I say with your accent, because rules.

[Tom Bilyeu]

R, U, L, E, S. Yes, rules.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So type in that as the code and you guys will get 10% off.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, last question. And this is from Anna. Dine Din. Not sure. Because my boyfriend and I have busy work schedules, I offer to hear him rules of engagement. Like, I want him to massage me in the morning, go out once a week, etc. But he said it's difficult because he doesn't want to be a prisoner of habits. How do I convince him or change the way he views this?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, this is so interesting. That's not a rule of engagement to me. Is that a rule of engagement to you?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It's not really. It's more of a need or.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, that's like a love language or reward or something. A rule of engagement is how do we discuss things? How do we overcome a. Like, we give the keys of the kingdom to each other so that in an argument or something, we know how to defuse the other person. So how you like to be talked to, how you like to be approached. So I'll give you a rule of engagement. You were gonna say something.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I was just gonna say, I think that. So assuming she'll come back to her

[Tom Bilyeu]

stuff in a second. But first, I want to define rules of engagement because I didn't realize people were sort of taking it in a way that we don't necessarily mean one of our rules of engagement. Oh, what was I going to give? I'm gonna bite this microphone. God, I can picture where we were standing the last time this came into play. We were in the kitchen. Can you think of, like, any just, like, quick off the top of your head.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, we do engagement. If I'm getting flustered, you need to walk away. I need to walk away. And you need to be understanding and not push me into making sure that we discuss. Discuss it. So the rule of engagement is if I say, hey, I need some time, and I walk away. You are very understanding. You don't be. I can't believe that you walked away and, like, no, come back. We've got to finish the discussion. That's a rule of engagement.

[Tom Bilyeu]

An amazing example. So things like that, just explaining to people exactly how things are going to be discussed, whether or not, like, we don't have a winner take all mentality. So one of our rules of engagement is What I was just talking about a second ago when I was answering the question, which is wanting the other person to win, wanting to find a compromise that makes both people happy, understanding that both people need to be happy, understanding things. Like, part of the reason that I have continued to be in this situation, being frustrated that you hide things, is because I consider the house primarily, like, you have the final say. So that's a rule of engagement. Not everybody's going to agree with that. But that, like, I know that that's just more meaningful to you than it is to me. So there are things like that, and then there's things like the, you know, there'll be, like, one room in the house, the TV room comes to mind, where it's like, I get to have my way. And so we agree on those things ahead of time. So that if it were ever, like, when we were designing the remodel of the house, it was like, most rooms were yours. That just made sense to me. I knew that you cared more than I did, but there were certain things that I really cared about, and then those were done my way. So those are all the things that, like, we talk about, we detail, we agree upon. Those are the rules of engagement. Telling somebody that they have to massage you is not a rule of engagement.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay, so assume. She didn't mean rule of engagement. So addressing the fact that her boyfriend's really busy, she wants to spend more time with him. So she's trying to do. Which we do. Right. Saturday mornings, I like to have breakfast. So unless you're super busy, that's important. Important to me. And then so you're always very willing and, you know, happy to do it. So assuming that that's where she's coming from, where she's like, okay, I don't see him much. I'd like to do things that are meaningful to me. These are the things that are meaningful to me. A massage in the morning, go out once a week, blah, blah, blah. And so he's saying, but for him, he feels prisoner of habit, and he doesn't want that. Maybe he wants to be more spontaneous. The question is, is he more spontaneous or is it the fact that he doesn't want to be held responsible for something that he doesn't necessarily want to. To do? I think that needs to be addressed. Right. Like, and what is. I think also another thing for us is, like, what are you going to get out of it? So a massage every day, actually, for, like, someone like you. I wouldn't. I wouldn't ask that of you. Because I know you value your time so much that I can't do it on a. I wouldn't do it on a daily basis. I'm going to pick my battles is what we say. So I'd pick my battles and go, okay, on a day that maybe you have off on a Saturday, I really want a massage. And the reason why I really want a massage is I'm really stressed and it makes me feel like you're there for me and helping me get over the stress of the week. Okay, so now he understands why he's doing it. And then to be honest, what is he going to get in return? What is that other thing that he wants? So for you, if it's like, I

[Tom Bilyeu]

don't know, give an example back tickles. I'm not sure where you're headed. Playing video games.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Sure. Like, if it was. So be like, okay, cool, babe, if you're. I'd give you a massage, you know, on Saturday morning. But what I would love back is an hour of video games with you. So it has to be a give and take. I think if it's one way people just. Maybe he's feeling like it's a prison because it's things that he doesn't get anything out of. So now he's just got another responsibility that he has to go through, which probably puts more stress on him. So, yeah. What are your thoughts?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, I think that's pretty money. I think that at the end of the day one, you have to make sure that what you're asking is reasonable from both of your perspectives. Also, talking about what your languages of appreciation are, I think is huge. And that goes to your point about you're articulating why it's important to you. So if her love language, judging by this is touch, then it's like him understanding, like, whoa, okay. I, like, didn't even know there was the same call language of appreciation. And so now I get it. Or that maybe that's even her love language. And, you know, the very way that she feels love, she needs that touch. And she may be putting these things in place because they're not happening spontaneously. And so understanding that, that, like, I believe if it's not in your schedule, it's not real. Like, it's not a priority to you. So if she's using that to address that, then she should bring that up. And then, yeah, I, you know, I'm literally just recycling what you said, because everything you said was money and compromise.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So if touch is important and he's like, I Don't have time to do that every day. Go. Okay, like, what is the amount of time? Like, is it once a week? Like, do you feel like that's actually, you know, something that you can be on board with? And so communicating, coming up with compromises that you both get in what you want is so important. It can never be one sided. Ever, ever, ever, in my opinion.

[Tom Bilyeu]

True.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right. And we're out of time.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wow. Well, that went fast.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That did go fast.

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right, guys, be sure dig into the merch. Shop.impacttheory.com get that bundle, as my wife would say. And I also wrote a post about this that because. Wow. So that just happened. That is so hilarious. That's so you. Like, that is amazing in a thousand ways. So, yeah. Shop.impacttheory.com get yours. 10% off code rules. Dive in. And also go to impacttheory.com to download the relationship revolutions revelations. That makes more sense. Relationship revelations. Check it out. The 26 questions that you guys can ask. Are they all danger questions or did we mix it up?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay, so we've got a mix in there. Not all of them are dangerous, but some of them are. Enjoy them. That's the key communication to being a power couple. And as I was about to say, I wrote not an article but a Facebook and Instagram post about the shirt. So that if you want to transcend the cheesy nature of this and understand what this is really about, read that. I tried to take people a layer deeper than just the surface cheesiness. All right, guys. Matt Love, thanks for joining us. This is the Valentine season. Who would have known? And if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to Stitcher Rate and review us. That helps us build this community and that helps is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. All right, guys, thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.

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