Don't Let Social Media Kill Your Relationship (Replay)

Summary

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Impact Theory Podcast: "Don't Let Social Media Kill Your Relationship" (Replay)

Host: Tom Bilyeu
Co-host: Lisa Bilyeu
Date: August 31, 2023

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Episode Overview

This lively "Relationship Theory" installment of Impact Theory, co-hosted by Tom and Lisa Bilyeu, delves deep into the influences of social media, personal boundaries, self-care, and relationship longevity. Bouncing between audience questions and candid anecdotes, Tom and Lisa break down how couples navigate the complexities of digital life and evolving relationship roles, while holding fast to respect, communication, and individual growth.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Are There Rules for Social Media in Relationships?

Timestamps: 03:05 – 13:00

• Question from Facebook: "Are there any rules of engagement for social media? ... Is there anything that bothers you about the other's usage?"
• Lisa’s Experience: Social media initially disrupted dinner and conversation, leading her to feel neglected. She worked through this by openly expressing when she needed Tom’s full attention.
  Lisa: "If I've got something I want to talk to you about... I'll just say to you, 'Babe, I need your full attention.'... and you’ll be very respectful and you’re like, 'Oh, I just need 10 minutes because you’re doing social or something.' And... you’ll put your phone away..." (04:32)
• Tom’s Perspective: Tom clarifies he never interrupts mid-sentence and underscores the importance of clear communication and mutual respect.
  Tom: "Just letting the other person know that you need their full attention... is especially [important] in today's age where it is so easy to pull out the phone." (06:08)
• Mutual Boundaries: They touch on unspoken boundaries about what’s shared online (e.g., private or “silly” moments). Couples should explicitly agree on what’s off-limits to post and respect evolving sensitivities.
• Respect for Changing Needs: Lisa recounts a story about being sensitive to being filmed while eating, noting triggers may change over time and it’s crucial to verbalize these to your partner.

Key Insight:

• Communication is paramount—ask for attention when needed, discuss boundaries openly, and respect each other's sensitivities as they evolve.

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2. Navigating Different Worldviews and Habits

Timestamps: 13:00 – 19:20

• Different Social Media Cultures: Lisa notes that what may be normal in one’s friend group can seem bizarre to someone else. Lisa: "Their worldview of social media is completely different. They seem like an alien to me, and I probably seem like an alien to them." (12:41)
• Evaluating Compatibility: Tom encourages evaluating up front if you can live with someone’s habits or perspectives—don’t bank on changing them:
  Tom: "You really have to ask questions like that: these are real things. They think this way, they see the world this way... That particular thing may not change or evolve." (18:21)
• Don't Ignore or Minimize: Lisa warns against brushing off differences that could become major irritants down the line; address and accept them early.

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3. Changing Relationship Dynamics & Self-Valuing

Timestamps: 20:44 – 33:35

• Question from Facebook: "I have three teenage girls and a husband who always demands that I put them and their needs above mine. How do I show them that I value myself and deserve to be valued?"
• Tom on Boundaries & Self-Respect:
  Tom: "People treat you exactly the way you let them treat you... I'm going to do what the fuck I want to do. I'm going to build the life I want to build. That is a non-negotiable... That does not mean that they get the majority of your time..." (21:14, 23:51)
• Transition Strategy: Lisa asks how to "pull a 180" when your identity has been wrapped around meeting others’ needs for years.
  • Steps Outlined:
    • Do the "identity work"—decide who you want to be (25:42)
    • Clearly communicate changes and boundaries to family
    • Create check-ins for clarity on what behaviors are meaningful to others
    • Be "inhumanly consistent" with new boundaries (29:42)
  • Anticipate Guilt: Lisa describes her own guilt transitioning from housewife to co-founder, overcame it by reciting empowering mantras:
    Lisa: “I would just have the mantra, like, he has to do it. He has to do it... Because I knew I would break…” (31:44)

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4. The Value of Friendships Outside the Relationship

Timestamps: 34:16 – 39:13

• Question from YouTube: "Can you speak to the importance of partners having healthy friendships outside of their relationship?"
• Tom’s View: Sometimes, people over-rely on partners for emotional needs. Friendships are valuable, but ultimately each person must do their own emotional work and not use others—friends or partner—as emotional crutches.
  Tom: "Go get more friends... But if all you're focusing on is the negative shit, you have a problem." (38:02)
• Positive Influence: Lisa is praised for bringing more positivity to the relationship even amidst her health challenges.

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5. Is Marrying Your First Love a Good Idea?

Timestamps: 40:04 – 48:13

• Question from Facebook: Is it wise to be in a lifelong relationship with your first love, without other experiences?
• Tom: "On average, I think it is a losing strategy... every human being needs to go out into the woods and get lost and find themselves before they get into a relationship."
• Lisa’s Perspective: Personal experience with prior relationships helped her discover what she truly valued:
  Lisa: "Experiences do help show you what you like, what you don't like... Because you were so different... But if I hadn't gone through all those experiences and then met you... I don't think I would have realized it." (45:18)
• Big Takeaway: Experience allows you to clarify your own values and desires before committing.

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6. Supporting a Sibling in a Toxic Relationship

Timestamps: 48:15 – 55:25

• Question from Stacy Lee (Facebook): How do you help a sibling in a toxic relationship?
• Tom’s Approach: If there is clear abuse, escalate assertively and intervene. In less clear/mutual toxicity, play the “long game”:
  • Build goodwill and trust over time before bringing up concerns. Tom: "If there's one superpower that I've developed... it's being able to tell when the person is emotionally in a place where they'll be able to hear me... Sometimes that means waiting months and months and months."
• Lisa’s Approach: Focus on building safe, judgment-free spaces rather than direct confrontation; sometimes simply being present is more valuable than advice.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Lisa Bilyeu: "If I've got something I want to talk to you about... I'll just say to you, 'Babe, I need your full attention.'" (04:32)
• Tom Bilyeu: “People treat you exactly the way you let them treat you.” (21:14)
• Lisa Bilyeu: "Experiences do kind of help show you what you like, what you don't like, and what is for you and what isn't for you." (45:18)
• Tom Bilyeu: “If all you’re focusing on is the negative shit, you have a problem.” (38:02)
• Tom Bilyeu: "Every human being needs to go out into the woods and get lost and find themselves before they get in a relationship." (42:14)
• Tom Bilyeu: “If there’s one superpower that I’ve developed... it’s being able to tell when the person is emotionally in a place where they'll be able to hear me.” (54:09)

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Important Segments with Timestamps

• Social Media Rules & Communication: 03:05 – 13:00
• Differences in Worldviews & Red Flags: 13:00 – 19:20
• Personal Boundaries & Creating Space for Yourself: 20:44 – 33:35
• Friendship Outside the Relationship: 34:16 – 39:13
• Lifelong First Loves & Self-Discovery: 40:04 – 48:13
• Family Support for Toxic Relationships: 48:15 – 55:25

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Episode Tone & Style

The exchange is conversational, honest, and often humorous, marked by mutual respect, lived examples, and actionable advice. Tom brings an unapologetically direct entrepreneurial approach, while Lisa integrates warmth and relatability.

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Summary Takeaways

• Successful relationships require ongoing, explicit communication, especially in the digital age.
• Set and discuss boundaries openly—whether about time, attention, or content shared online.
• Prioritize self-care and establish healthy boundaries, even if this requires significant change.
• Honesty about worldviews, goals, and non-negotiables at the start of a relationship is essential to long-term satisfaction.
• Friendships and positive experiences outside the couple can promote individual and relational health.
• Support for loved ones in toxic situations takes patience, consistency, and emotional intelligence.

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For further enrichment on relationship dynamics, personal growth, and thriving despite adversity, subscribe to Impact Theory and join the ongoing community discussion.

Transcript

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[Tom Bilyeu]

You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory. What is up, everybody? Welcome to another edition of Relationship Theory. I'm your co host, Tom Bilyeu, and I'm here with my lovely wife whose hair looks amazing today, Lisa Bilyeu. Sup, homie?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Cheers.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I'm loving all the hair experimentation recently. Yes, very sexy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Thank you very much.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Absolutely.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And obviously I had my hair tied back for two days over the weekend, so I think it makes a difference to you as well.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Indeed. Indeed.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I really want to know who out there is actually in a relationship, because the one thing I found interesting that I didn't expect is that people were like, I'm not in a relationship, but I love watching your show. And I found that very surprising. So they had told me, like, and I was like, well, how. Why do you watch it then? It's like, well, when they go into a relationship now, they're bringing techniques and tactics into that. So, yeah, I love that. So put in the comments, guys. Are you in a relationship or not?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes or no? Hit us up.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Super interested to see how many people and then if this is bringing you value, please do share this video. That would be so appreciated.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Let's get the word out.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Let's do it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Get that word.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, let's just jump right into it because we've got a good start off question and. Oh, please, we are answering questions live. So if you guys have any relationship problems or relationship questions, put them in the comments and we'll be answering Them.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes. And if you're one of those future viewers who's listening to this on the podcast or watching the YouTube video unlive man, if you can join us live, it is amazing. Always super cool to have people submitting questions. We love it. But if you can't. Totally understand and just honored that you guys are listening.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. All right, let's get down to it. Billy, you ready?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, so this question comes from Facebook, from Mimi McLeod.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Mimi McLeod.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Are there any rules of engagement for social media? Since both of you are active and post frequently, is there anything that bothers you about the other's usage? I get to go first.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wow.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Please.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's amazing.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right. I get to go first because you've been on social media a lot longer than I have, so it's been a recent thing for me. And so for me, it absolutely used to really wind me up that I would be sitting at dinner, or let's say you're just sitting next to me and we're having a conversation, and I turn my head and I keep talking because I'm doing something, I turn back, and all of a sudden you're on your phone. It used to bother me because it just feels like, am I not interesting enough? Am I not saying something that's capturing your, you know, your attention? So now you're going on to something external. But then I realize you like, look, I'm working. And that's actually a big deal for us is that we've chosen this life. And that's one thing that I quote and I repe over and over and over again. When I feel like I'm missing you, I don't get time with you. It's like, I chose this life. So if I chose this life, this is what you need to do to be successful. And so if I just moaned and complained about it, now I feel like I'm giving you mixed messages. I want you to be successful. I want you to go out and bust your ass. I want you to, like, crush it and build this empire that we're building, and I encourage that in you. But then if I'm moaning that you're doing it or you're taking the time to do it, then I feel like that's not fair on you. So I realized, though, that I can't block out my feelings because I still feel the way I feel. I still feel neglected when you do it. I still feel left out. So now what we do is if I've got something I want to talk to you about, or if I just want to chit chat could be complete BS chitchat. But if I want to, I'll just say to you, babe, I need your full attention. So let me know when that's a good time. And you know, I want to talk about. And so you'll be very respectful and you're like, oh, I just need 10 minutes because you're doing social or something. And you get your phone and then you'll be, all right, you've got my attention. And you'll put your phone away and you put it aside, you put it on silent, you check your alarms, make sure nothing disturbs it, and then we'll make sure that we have that intimate time. But I. I recognize now that I need to do that and that's okay. And I don't get angry or bitter about it because we have that same final goal. I feel like we're a team in that. So.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That's my opinion on you using social media. Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So totally. I hear that. And for the record, it's not like I would, while you were mid sentence, pull my phone out and start working. It's when I will call absolute bullshit on that. Never once. Not where you're talking mid sentence. You're thinking of those times where you're like having a bit of a waffle and you would pause. I don't know if you plan to keep going or not. So then I would take out my phone and you would start speaking again. So I just like full disclosure. I want to make sure that is abundantly clear. And then all the other stuff you said, absolutely true. And just letting the other person know that you need their full attention, I think is especially in today's age where it is so easy to pull out the phone. It's so habitual that people often do it and not even realize that they're doing it. So I'll give a different take on that and just be a little bit more universal to standard operating procedure because she said rules of engagement. I love that people are picking up on that term. So yeah, we. Rules of engagement, I think for people more in general in terms of the types of thing that they post is a good place to start. So your. I think my feed is very much inspirational, motivational. I very rarely post anything that's like really personal. I do in my stories, but not in my main feed. So I could definitely see where people would need to have a conversation about, like, what part of our lives is off limits. Like what wouldn't I want posted so that I Think you definitely have to talk about. We, I think, have an unspoken understanding. We don't really talk about it, but when I think you're. You're. I don't like putting out stuff where I'm. God, what's the right word if I'm being, like, silly? So silly. I don't. Do you know, I have a very particular definition of the word silly. I absolutely hate. Like that. Like, yeah, I don't like silly stuff. I do it occasionally. I would never want something posted where I was legitimately being silly. Yeah. So you wouldn't post something like that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Even though I love that part of your personality, I know that you wouldn't want me to. To.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, Like, I don't. That's one for when it's just you and I. Like, I'm not even silly in front of the team. There's just something about silliness that I am. One, I do very, very infrequently. And then two. Yeah. So like, for instance, if I were to break out break dancing, I wouldn't want that posted. So, yeah, there are things like that we've never really had a conversation about. I don't even know how to put words around. Like, silly is me groping in the dark. But there are just things that I know you wouldn't post because, you know I wouldn't want it posted. I don't know. I've never had to put words around it. But, yes, people should talk about it. Be very specific where you can let people know what's yes, what's no. Then if the person's posting something about themselves, like, I think you really have to give them the room to express themselves the way they want to. So I wouldn't ever tell you, like, oh, if it's about you and it's not including me, um, I wouldn't put limits on that. But like you, for instance, if I'm filming, like, I'm less worried. Like, if I'm not in good lighting or whatever, like, I'm not that bothered about it. But that would get more on your radar. So if I catch you in the background and you were, like, eating or something, you wouldn't want that. So I have to be very thoughtful about that. So.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I think it depends on almost what you're going through, because that one time. So you did come in once and you were doing, like an IG story. You were doing IG Live or something. It must have been a story because you didn't post it and you came in the kitchen and you. You were filming, and I was sitting there eating. And yeah, I was like, did you just post that? And you're like, no, not yet. And I was like, please don't. And I was definitely saying, I mean, I am sensitive right now. This, you know, last month or two on my food and my diet because I've been sick and because, like, I'm adjusting and, you know, my emotions, I'm definitely trying to get a control of. Of, like, all the ups and downs that I'm, you know, going through in the pains. So I am sensitive to the food thing. And once upon a time, I may not have been. And that's another thing to kind of, I guess, talk about is that you may not have realized, right? Like, oh, I filmed her, like, eating, like, 10 times. Like, she doesn't think twice. So you come in and then you do it, and I'm uncomfortable. We just, like, I try to say in that moment, like, please don't post it. I'm sensitive or whatever. And then we have to respect each other for feeling that way. And you never judged me for it. You were like, oh, okay, I'll just do it from this angle instead. But that way I don't feel guilty that you've had to stop doing what you were doing. But also still acknowledging my own emotions of what I'm going through. When you do do that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. For shways. For shways and speaking up and being honest about what you need and what you want and tailoring it accordingly. As I reach out into the universe, though, and I see, like, this is a trickier issue than I think I give it credit for, especially if you're in the beginning of a relationship. And how do you tactfully make those demands? How do you tactfully. Like, for instance, you said, I didn't judge you for that. That's because we've been together so long. Like, I remember. This is a weird story. So when you and I first got together, I took pictures of you that I thought were amazing, and you hated them, and you made me destroy them. Go ahead.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

There's a reason for it. But keep going.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes. And I was horrified. So going back to, like, this was social media before there were social media. Right. So I really thought the photos were awesome.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And I wanted to keep them. And you said, no, you wanted them destroyed. And so I remember thinking, can I be with somebody that, like, won't? Because this was. I was hardcore. Like, this was when I had Billy photography. Like, I thought of myself as a photographer at that point, and so I thought oh, man. Like, can I be with somebody that would destroy art? And that was really, like, horrifying for me. So I get it. At that moment, I judged you for sure. So now seeing like 17 years later, where it's like, I'm so cognizant of what you're going through and the person I want to be would never judge you for that and understands your struggle and all of that. Right. So all of that is like, bundle, this is my wife, the person I most want to protect. And like, so it's a very different experience than if you're at the beginning of a relationship where it's like, this chick is crazy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I think that. And that's very true. I didn't think of it from when you first meet, but I think it's like anything, it's show the other person respect. Right. So if you're taking a photo of them, especially early on, I would say, is it all right if I use this photo? And then, oh, God, I had another point and it was good and I forgot in it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right, well, I'll give you some time here. So. And. And I will say I'm all about, like, be aggressively yourself, like all of that. But I will also say, try to minimize your crazy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I just remembered.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Go ahead.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

World views. So there may be habits and things that me, all my friends do on social media. I don't think twice because everyone that I know does it. And then I come across somebody else and let's say I start dating. And their world view of social media is completely different. They seem like an alien to me, and I probably seen seem like an alien to them. And so I think it's important to

[Tom Bilyeu]

remember specific example

[Lisa Bilyeu]

what just happened. Oh, so we had someone come here and they did something very strange in the middle of a meeting.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Super. It's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me in a business context.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But I don't want to say because I don't want to.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. They immediately would be like, oh, they're talking about us.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. So they did something super weird now.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Super fucking weird.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It's not only a company, it's our house. They did something very weird. And so afterwards I turned to you and I was like, can you believe they just did that? You're like, I know, what the hell? But I then immediately said, I, I bet you though their worldviews, that's not weird. Like, they do that in meetings all the time. They don't think twice about it. And then I said, well, I wonder what I do in meetings or when I see people where people like, she's nuts. Can you believe she. But in my worldview, it's normal. So I think even in social media it's like, that exists. So don't judge each other harshly. I think it's about communicating. Especially if you first start dating somebody, don't judge them for doing something that may seem completely bizarre to you because they may not realize it's bizarre.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Can we go down that rabbit hole

[Lisa Bilyeu]

for a go on then?

[Tom Bilyeu]

So it really, I, I think actually at the beginning of a relationship, that's where you do, like, judge isn't the right word because there's so much baggage, but it's where you have to ask the questions. Am I willing to deal with somebody that fill in the blank? And there you don't have a moral obligation to be in a relationship. Like, it's crazy. You want to talk worldview for a second? It is entirely crazy to me that people will like, give up things that they're deeply passionate about because it doesn't jive with that other person. Like, that's madness to me. And this is like, this is all coming from a place of so many people find themselves in a life that they don't enjoy, that it's like, okay, because you made a thousand little decisions along the way. You didn't find a company to work for that really has a mission and a purpose and a meaning and something that's incredibly meaningful to you. You just took a job, you got with somebody that doesn't either at least facilitate your passions. Like imagine, you know, in fact, God, you were amazing at this. So you must have like gone through this. So I went through a 15 year period where I didn't play video games. But we've been together for 17 years. So at the beginning of the relationship, I played.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I slept on the street when we were first dating so that you could buy a PlayStation.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Literally. My point for my sister, by the way.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And. Oh yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So you were there because I wanted to buy tickets. 2.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

One for me, one for myself. Yeah, you're welcome, Kim.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right? And so funny that years later we would be a fire team. So it like, hopefully you said, okay, can I be with somebody like this? And I remember at the time you said, well, I slept on the floor for Michael Jackson to go to his concert, so why would I be unwilling to do it for a PlayStation? Which I always thought, wow, I really respect that. That's like somebody looking inward and like doing a worldview comparison. Like, okay, there are things that I'm interested enough in to do this. So the moral of my story there is, I think you. You really have to ask questions like that there. You know, there were only twice that I asked that about you. There were two times that really stick in my memory. So everything else I'm going to say is a level.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Can you be with somebody that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Can I be with somebody that made me destroy art? Which is how I felt about the photos that I took of you. I was legitimately mortified. And I told you that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, no.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Once we got serious, then I said,

[Lisa Bilyeu]

and just for the people at home, the reason why I made them you destroy is they were a little provocative. And we were just dating. So the good Greek girl in me is like, I'm gonna go to England. This guy's amazing. I've just spent, like, a month with him. Every single day. I think, like, I'm head over heels for him, but the second I leave the country, I don't know what you're doing with those photos. So, yes, I made him destroy them. To me, that was a very reasonable and sensible thing to do.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So now let me give them another take. My wife made me destroy my wife at the time. But. So I was legitimately horrified by that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And I remember. I actually remember where I was. And I don't know why I was really, like, seething over it at that moment, but we were in this parking garage at the Beverly center, but the other side, the Beverly connection. Hey, random. So. And driving that. And I thought, God, can I really, like, be with somebody that would make me do that? So that was one. And then the other was when I was going to propose. I. All the things that I thought about paled in comparison to, can I be with somebody that gets sick this often? And I remember thinking, because I'm not a good caretaker. So that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Did you know what you were getting?

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, No, I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. And. But that. I really want you to think about that, because it was. I was very aware that you and I didn't have the words and all of that, but I was very aware that you got sick often, and at the time, it was always a chest infection. Now, what I didn't know is how that then echo through our lives, and that's how we've ended up in this microbiome machine and all that. But you would get these chest infections all the time. And I was like, jesus. And I thought, can I really deal with somebody who's sick this much? Because I'm going To be in a caretaker role, which is not where I shine very, very frequently. And I was like, yes, I can. And so I, meaning you as an individualized human being, were worth that. And so I went into it with my eyes wide open, which is why I have. While it's annoying, it is not at all like something where I go, God, I can't believe this. Like, what did I get myself into? I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. I looked at that. So it's not quite worldview, but it's like you need to be asking yourself at the beginning of the relationship those questions, like, these are, these are real things. They think this way, they see the world this way. Maybe that will change and evolve. They're going to change and evolve over time. Yes. But that particular thing may not change or evolve.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I was going to say. And that's the thing, I think a lot of people go into situations like that was like, oh. Either they say it doesn't matter because they just try and brush it off like, oh, it's fine, it doesn't matter. The truth is that that may then be the one thing that really pisses them off. Six months down the line. So does it actually matter? Like, what if they did that all the time? How would you actually feel about that six months down the line when that, you know, intense fire burning on the first few days and oh my God, like when that's started to fade out?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Transition.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Transition, yeah, because it does transition. You're right. Are you gonna. Are you willing to still put up with it? And then sometimes I hear this a lot is like, oh, well, I'm gonna change them.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Do people really still say that?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Maybe not out loud, but I definitely think people think it. Right. Like, I can change this person and

[Tom Bilyeu]

you can, by the way. But like, are you really gon that kind of time and energy into it?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I. And here's the thing, like, I think the fundamentals of who a person is though, is important. And I don't think while you may be able to change things along the way, like if you were fundamentally somebody that I didn't agree with, or there's certain elements of you that I didn't like or that just we weren't on that same page, I just wouldn't pursue it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Totally agree.

[Commercial Narrator]

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[Lisa Bilyeu]

We've got a lot of questions coming in.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, wow, interesting. All right, then we'll abandon that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Do you have any other.

[Tom Bilyeu]

A whole bunch, but I think that we spend too much time on one question.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, so this question is from Facebook, from Gabrielle, Claudette. I have three teenage girls and a husband who always demands that I put them and their needs above mine. How do I show them that I value myself and that I deserve to be valued? This has been very challenging, man.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You know, I have a response.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Go for it. I know you do, which is why.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So yeah, let me get my aggressive posture on. So people treat you exactly the way you let them treat you. Now here's the critical part. Before I go into my tirade, which I'm going to go into one, how you make the other person feel matters and it matters a lot. So making sure that they feel. Feel that they're important to you, that you love them beyond all reason and measure, like that is critical. And I can we agree I make you feel that way. Okay. Now having said that, I'm going to do what the fuck I want to do. I'm going to build the life I want to build. That is that, that's a non negotiable. Like this is who I am. I am ambitious. I am going to build something. I'm going to build it whether you're with me or not. Now, I'm coming from a place of. I make sure that you feel a certain way. That when the. When you ask for my time and attention, which you're never abusive about fucking, I give it that example that you talked about of the phone. Like that is a minor example of times where I will. If you said, look, today I just need your time and attention, I would tell everyone, get the fuck out of the house. Office is closed. Like in those acute moments. Acute moments. Let's take a minute to define acute. Very specific, very limited in its time duration. However you want to look at it, it is limited. But in that acute moment, if you say you need something, I'll fucking drop anything like that. If you call three times, I'm going to be there for you. It does not matter who I'm with and I have lived up to that. So for those that are just joining, if you call me once, I'm going to ignore it. You call me twice now. I'm on alert, but I'm still going to ignore it. If you call me, if I'm in a meeting or something, if you call me the time, if I'm with the. The. I used to say the President, United States. I don't anymore. If I were with. Name them Jay Z. Perfect.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

In an interview.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes. Literally, that, like, I'm stopping it because I know that you would never abuse that. And you have, in our entire relationship, only done that once to give you.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I called you three times.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Once.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And that was because our dog had another story.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But, like, I literally was in a meeting when you did it, and I said, guys, this isn't going to make any sense, but I have to leave right now. And so I just left, literally in the middle of the meeting, and I went home and we dealt with the situation. Now, because I am consistent with that behavior, you do not doubt for a second how much. How much I love you, how important you are to me, the lengths to which I would go. Like, I invest in this relationship,

[Lisa Bilyeu]

but

[Tom Bilyeu]

I also take selfish time. When I need something, I'm gonna tell you, I need this for myself. I'm gonna go do it when it's important. And only one time in our relationship has it collided where you needed something and I needed something, and they. They could not coexist. And in that moment, from my perspective, it was so critical to do what I needed to do. That that's what I did. And I did not feel bad. I felt horrible that you were alone in a moment of need, but I didn't feel bad because I knew it was. I didn't feel bad that I had chosen that because I needed to do that, if that makes sense. Right. It was one of those times where I could say with all sincerity, and I wasn't going to back down. I'm sorry that you feel that way legitimately. Like, the fact that you're going through that emotion and you feel left, I am aching inside because of that. But I'm not conflicted. I know exactly what I need to do to, like, for our own futures, to protect it. And I had clarity on that, and I did it. Can we agree that it worked out?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay. Perfect. So, dude, that shit, like, they both have to be true. You have to make those people feel. Feel that they are your number one feel. But that does not mean that they get the majority of your time that you put them, like, whenever your needs are colliding, that you're always putting the other person first.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right. But I wanna. Because what you're saying is very empowering and I think it's great tip. If you haven't started but imagine you're. You're already right. She's got kids. She's got three teenagers. So let's say for like 16 years of her life just making up a number. But let's say 16 years of her life she's made decisions in certain situations where she's got. So how do we pull a 180 exactly? Like what are the actual steps that if someone out there is trying to do right? Where it's like I want to be selfish now. Like how do I make that transition without saying f you. You guys don't care. It's all about me now. Like how do you pull that off?

[Tom Bilyeu]

So one, she's got to do the identity work. So I'm the type of person that. I'm the type of person that makes sure that I'm making the other people feel loved, that they know how important they are to me. I'm the type of person that actually does care them, loves them, wants to protect them. Like whatever she sees her role as being, she has to reinforce that shit. Second, I'm the type of person that realizes you will be fucking consumed by other people if you let it. And while it's amazing for them, it is ultimately corrosive for you. So I'm the type of person that doesn't do things that are corrosive to me. I'm the type of person that makes sure that I build myself up, that I have me time, that I recognize myself as an individual sovereign person. Now the reason I'm saying all of that is because the first time her child looks at her with those puppy dog eyes because she's changed her behavior, which I walk through how to change that behavior. But once that happens and that look of betrayal crosses her child's face, which it will feel like a betrayal to them because A, they don't have a prefrontal cortex. So they're an emotional mess. Doesn't stop developing until you're like 25. So like that is coming for her and she'll crumble and then they will really guilty 100 and they're going to reel her back in and then like she's going to be ever living in this conflicted zone of like, I don't want to see that look on their face. And yet I have to like carve this space for myself, create these boundaries. So peop. Because what I'm about to tell her is how to create the boundaries. But it doesn't work if people don't realize, like, how the amount of consistency that it takes. So now once she's done that work, she's going to sit them down either individually or in a group. Whatever she thinks is better. She knows the people. I don't. I would. With the team, I would do it all at once. Anything to do with you, though. Like, in fact, this is a perfect example. So there's you and there's the team. Now, in one view, you're part of the team, but in the other, you're my wife. So anytime I have like a big announcement, I. Oh, and I'm not 100% perfect at this, but I always try to tell you first so that you don't feel like, whoa, I didn't know this was coming. Like, you're my partner, both business wise and in marriage.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So you're saying she should tell the husband first?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, she needs to figure that out. I'm just saying, like, they're a very real situation where I would definitely tell you alone first and then address other people together. So maybe it's the husband by himself and then the kids together. That makes sense to me as I

[Lisa Bilyeu]

talk because then they can approach with kids. If she really gets her point across to a husband, then her husband can now be her teammate in sitting with the kids. Because I think that's important. Like, I think you need to get the husband on board. Otherwise the kids will just say, well, hang on a minute. That doesn't do that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Infinitely genius advice. I think that's brilliant. So talk to him first. Get him on the same page. Let him know, like, I love you. I want to make sure that I'm making you feel that way. Let me know, like, am I making you feel that way? Walk through. Like, what are the things that are really critical for him? They may be really small. Like one thing for you that's insanely meaningful and I'm still shocked even though I recognize it is true, is me boiling your hot water for you. Crazy. But like, great. So that is A, very easy to execute on. And B, makes you feel a certain kind of way. So find those things, whatever they are, the three phone calls, so that in moments where he really needs you, that you're going to be there. Like, the big things, the little things, like figuring out which ones are actually have those.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like, it makes me feel great when you do this. Like, be specific because I think anytime you have to try and guess, it's like, oh, he likes it when he feels loved. Okay, well how does he interpret love? Right, like get even more specific down to the. When you boil me the kettles that when I wake up in the morning, it's already nice and hot. Like that is meaningful to me. So it's an act that you can absolutely execute on it very easily.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Definitely easily.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But I'm saying it's very clear because if I'm like, I want to feel loved and you go and buy me flowers, I'm like, I don't need you to spend money on me, I just need you to like, it makes a difference. Be very clear on how the husband interprets that from her, definitely.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So the ultra clarity on what you're going to do, how you're going to do it. But then she's going to have create the boundaries. Because chances are that if he's had, you know, 16, 20 years, however long they've been together of just him being all consuming, like there's going to have to be lines in the sand. He may ask for more than you're going to be able to deliver and still carve time out for yourself. You have to do the same with the kids. Set expectations, let them know what they can expect, let them know what you're going to say yes to, what you're going to say no to, that it doesn't in any way, shape or form diminish how much you love them, that you want check ins with them to see, you know, same things with them. Like what are the things that are really key, really important for them. They're going to ask for too much. So you have to carve out the boundaries and then be insanely consistent. Insanely consistent. So for instance, our dogs used to bark a lot when people started working here. And it drove me crazy, it drove everybody else crazy. But the fact was that I was trying to get shit done and so I would just ignore it. And I'm probably much better at ignoring A, it's my child, so that always makes it easier. And then B, I'm able to compartmentalize, really focus, maybe more than the average bear. So finally Agent Smith, as the voice of the people came to me and said, yeah, the dogs. He didn't say that. He was very, very diplomatic and kind, as he always is, but got the message across. The dogs are barking too much. And so I knew what needed to be done, which is inhuman consistency. Like every single time, no matter what I'm doing, when they bark, get up, lock them away, period, end of story. And so now they don't so be consistent with, like, inhumanly consistent. Like, you can't bend, buckle, or break. Not once, because, like, they're not doing it from a bad place, but they will then just encroach, encroach, encroach again. So she has to do that hard work. Nobody's going to do it for her. Yes, it's tough. Yes, they will look at you in the beginning like you're between betraying them. Yes, it will be frustrating for them. Yes, it. Like, I remember when. Go ahead. You took a breath. I know you want to say something.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, I was just going to say, like, I think that I. I bet you guilt's really gonna play a part. And I think a lot of people do feel like that. Like, I definitely felt when I went from being a housewife to now being, you know, founding team member request and working there every day, I remember I felt insanely guilty that you had to sort out your. Your own food. And I just had the mantra, like, he has to do it. He has to do it. Like, I would tell myself, because I knew that I would break, but, oh, babe, let me just do that. And then before I know it, I'm getting stressed and worn out because now I'm trying to do everything. And so even though I didn't feel good and I knew that I didn't feel good and I knew that I felt guilty, I just had those mantras, those things that I would repeat to myself to force myself not to do it. Like, Lisa, you can't be the best business partner if you. If you try to do that, right? Like. Like thinking of the pros, like, the good reasons on why I shouldn't do it, instead of focusing on the guilt of it, really helped me get through those. That transition where I just felt like a terrible wife because now you were making yourself lunch. And I had been doing it for so many years, and I felt guilty, but I just had to stay strong and tell myself, like, this isn't the good for the long term. This isn't good for the long term. And so for her, it's like, it's not good for her own sanity. It's not good for her own health of being a good mother. You should be happy within yourself with being a great wife. You need to be content with yourself. And so if you're not working on that, then you can't deliver. So if I would feel guilty about it, I would actually tell myself, this is what you need to do to be the best mother. This is what you need to do. To be the best wife is take care of yourself as well. And even though you don't feel it at first, it's kind of like fake it till you make it right. Like, just fake it. Like, no, you do need this. Like, force that thought into your head every time you go to feel guilty.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Love that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So word that you were about to say something.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, I mean, it was literally just the flip side to that exact story.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, there you go.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So bam.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Me and you, baby. Okay, got a couple of shout outs from David Bolsey's from Sweden, Ralph White from Palm beach, and Warren Marshall from Woodinville, Washington.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Woodinville. Holy hell, when I say Woodinville is not exactly a big town. Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So I knew you'd get excited seeing Washington. So. Hey, guys, everybody in the feed, please do submit some questions. We're answering them live. And then also the question I had at the beginning of the show was how many of you guys are actually in relationships? I'm really curious. So just type yes or no if you are or not in a relationship.

[Tom Bilyeu]

There it is.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, let's go to the next question. All right, this question comes from YouTube from Kilma Temper. Can you speak to the importance of partners having healthy friendships outside of their relationship, Having support systems that it doesn't all fall on your. Your partner? I'm not sure if it's like they're talking about themselves or somebody their partner.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I don't think it matters, but. So I think that friendships are very valuable. As somebody who has precious few and doesn't spend a lot of time with friends, I will say that I love, love, love spending time with friends. It's. It's actually even ironic to me that, like, when I do it, I love it so much, but then I don't seek it out very often. But I think that it's super helpful. But I won't say, like, oh my God, like, what are you doing? You need more friends. So one, I think that everybody has to do the hard work of themselves to not, like, need and be super reliant on other people. Because I can hear sort of hiding in there is that maybe their partner is relying on them a lot, needs a lot of attention. So like, like, said partner needs, like, if they have a lot of emotional needs and it probably is better to spread that out. Like the 8020 rule applies. If 80% of the time you're with your partner, it's all negative. It's all that you need help with. Like, that's not fun. And that's one Thing I will, man. I will suffocate you with a mountain of praise for. You've always been, like, through all your health challenges, you've always been. It's not fun to be with somebody who's mopey. So even though you couldn't necessarily control what was going on, or how about this? You can control.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I was gonna say, it just takes

[Tom Bilyeu]

a very long time to solve. Figure out all that. But you were always, like, mentally, you force yourself to get into a good place. Emotionally, nobody's perfect. But Jesus, you have been inhumanly consistent with that behavior of, like, always doing the hard work, always making sure that we spend way more time in, like, a happy place than we do in a negative place. Even at the worst of it, like, you are always, like, putting yourself into a positive mental state, which even if you were faking it, like, you want to talk about one that from a neurochemical standpoint is you. Even if it starts fake, like, it becomes real just from holding yourself in a smile, from cuddling, like, all the things that you were doing to reinforce the positivity in our relationship were also reinforcing the feelings of positivity in your own life. Life. You were doing that work. You were the one that was really bringing that to the table. And I was just in m. Continue to be. But what if I wasn't for that?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Or, like, what if I had a lot of issues and I just kept coming to you for them and you felt like it was.

[Tom Bilyeu]

If you're spending the majority of our relationship time in a negative space. I don't. Even if you had terminal cancer. It's a bad strategy. It is a bad strategy. Like, go read. Like, if anybody is thinking that's an outrageous example. Go read the final lecture, the last lecture. The guy that wrote he found out he's dying of cancer and writes a book and goes on like, a speaking tour about what it's like to face a terminal diagnosis and optimism. Have fun. Like, there. There is nothing that should drag you down into a dark place. It is never an effective strategy ever. So. Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So how would you persuade them to go and find outside relationships?

[Tom Bilyeu]

You didn't hear me say that. They need them. So, like, yes.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Help the issue versus thinking like, they need more friends.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes. Like, that person needs to be doing either. Go get more friends. But, like, I. I will give you. This is not me because I don't hang out with people that are negative like that, but I know people that do. And if you're in a place where you. Oh, God, even that. Like here the reality is they have to do the work. They have to like find joy. They have to focus on gratitude. They like, you just have to being a miserable git, as you would say, around, like even if you're spreading it out across people, if all you're focusing on is the negative shit, like you have a problem.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That's such a really good point.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So have friends because friends are fucking rad. Have friends because friends are fun to do fun stuff with. Have friends because it's more people to be more grateful with for around to do things that are fun. Like for instance, if I want to go see musical theater, I can't go with you if I want to go see films in the theater. You're not really into that. So I'm going to go do that with Jim Quick. What's up? Jim Quick has become like my movie buddy. So find people because that shit is fun. It shouldn't be because you just focus in a negative place and your partner is like burning out.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, that's a good point. All right, got a couple of more shout outs. Shout out From Anthony Tees McNob from Mareeba, North Queensland, Australia. Wow. Go Australia. What's up? All right, got a next question. Oh, this one's good. Where did it go? Oh, I knew that you'd love this one. Okay, here we go. This question is from Facebook, from Miriam Bestel Picott. Hey, Tom and Lisa, what do you think about being in a long term relationship for life with your first love without having experience with other people? We are going to want to experience sexually, for example, or just flirting eventually in the future, even if we don't love each other. How to deal with these thoughts and curiousness in a relationship.

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right, well, I'll answer the first part because I didn't quite understand the second half. I, I hate giving good people bad news. To quote the Matrix, it should be illegal. And I'm kidding about illegal. But I really think it's, it's a bad strategy. So be with to marry or your high school sweetheart, to use American vernacular. Like you just, you haven't experienced enough of the world. So yeah, I'm a big believer that you need to broaden your worldview. You need to broaden your, your perspective. You need to get out and experience things. There's just certain things that I don't think that you can optimize without experiencing. That doesn't mean that what I'm saying is true 100% of the time. And I know there are people that are with their high school sweetheart. And it's worked out beautifully. That's awesome. I'm talking on average. On average. I think it is a losing strategy because I think it's the momentum of the relationship that carry people away for decades. And they. The just discomfort of breaking up, the discomfort of, of. Of like, change. Like, so people get business.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right? Like, you kind of. You fail, you pick yourself up and now you've learned from it. Like, a relationship is kind of like that, where it's like you realize the silly mistakes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

In fact, that's not true. So. And I. I will. It. It is for sure. But I will say from my own perspective, I've only been in one real relationship and that's with you. So it's not like I was, oh, I failed here. I failed here.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But it wasn't your first girlfriend or your first sexual partner.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Correct. And I had been, I won't say worldly, but I certainly had moved away from home and had to be on my own and, like, figure all that out. I had to go through the face in the carpet phase and, like, figuring out how to make ends meet, and I had to do it alone. And I. In fact, I've never had to put words around this. But here's what I think. Every human being needs to go out into the woods and get lost and find themselves before they get in a relationship. That's the truth. And that's why high school relationships that last forever freak me out, is you've never had to do it on your own.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Also, I think you're changing so much. Right. Like, if I look back at who I was at 16 compared to now, I'm a completely different human being. So I wonder, you know, obviously, even when we got married, though, I was very different.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So I think, look, I think people can grow together. I think the likelihood that you do that with somebody that you got together in high school with diminish precipitously. So. Yeah. I just think it's. When you look at the data, it's just not a very smart move.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And. And like you said, I'm sure there are people out there that have had very. Sex. In fact, if you're out there right now and you're watching live and you guys have been together since high school and you've made it work. Drop it in the comments.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And you've been together for more than 10 years.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay, that's fair.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Because if you're 22.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I'm gonna.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Sure. But I'm curious to know because aggressively and I think it really is up to the individual. Like, if you already know you're gonna miss out on things. Like, I think you need to talk about that right now in with your partner. Right. Like, I'm worried that I'm gonna miss

[Tom Bilyeu]

out on other weirdest conversation ever.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

No, I mean, when me and you, when we were getting married, we had the discussion where you're like, yeah, I've had to come to grips. You know, you're going to be the

[Tom Bilyeu]

only person that's very different. Me saying, hey, I've crossed this threshold, right? And it's just you and me, right, versus, hey, we've been together for five years. But like, I'm super tense that I'm never gonna have sex with anybody else. And you're like lamenting it, that's like that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But that then, I mean, isn't that then a sign that you shouldn't.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Honestly, here's the only way I think that conversation works. You have the conversation. Hey, look, I'm super tense. I'm going on a two week sojourn to a yurt and I'm gonna sit.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

What words did you just use?

[Tom Bilyeu]

So shout out to Nicholas J. Robinson. I had never heard of a yurt before either. But it's basically a room with nothing. So you're sitting in a room with nothing. And the whole idea is you've nothing to do but think. And you go and you just, you meditate on that and you figure it out and then it's like, look, I'm not going away for two weeks. You're. The relationship is not in any danger. And I'm going to come back and I'm going to say, either we're parting ways because that's that important to me, or I'm going to come back to you a new man, 100% committed to this forever. And I found my peace with it. What you can't do is drop a bomb like that and not think that's going to echo through that person's mind forever. Like, you've got to at some point sew that up and say, I've crossed the bridge. It's a non issue for me. I'm not thinking about it anymore and that's that. So. And I will just tell you, like from my own experience, this is my life. I do not expect people to give a shit about. This is totally irrelevant. But from my perspective, it would have really bothered me if you'd been my first and only sexual experience. That would have been a real problem for me. Yeah, just for me. Not for everybody. I fully understand that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right, but you are honest with yourself about that, and I think that's important.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So there's two things that I want to know. First of all, I think that this may be silly and. But it so impacted me in the moment that I keep bringing it up. I dated other guys before you. I was in a relationship for almost four years before I met you. And then, so I'd been on dates and once we broke up, I did a year of like, dating. And then I met you. I remember that first day where all my expectations of what I wanted in a guy, a guy who dressed cool and hip, had a great, you know, car and like, very superficial. Totally recognize it now. I was 21 at the time and I met you. We go on our first date and you've got this big old broken down Buick. It wasn't maybe broken down, but the back seat was like a ton of rubbish in it. And the, you know, there was like a cut in the seat. I mean, it was pretty bad car. So of course I was already shocked. Was like, here's this cool guy with confidence and he's got like this really old Buick. So that was like, against what I thought I wanted. But then you open the car door for me and I can't explain, like, I wish I had the right word. No guy had ever opened a door for me, ever. I've got three brothers, my father dated many guys, and not one person had ever opened the door for me out of, like, specific consideration, like, you're the lady, go first. And when you did that, like, it. Just because I had been in other relationships where guys hadn't done that, I didn't realize it was something that I emotionally was. Had warmed to. So I think experiences do kind of help show you what you like, what you don't like, and what is for you and what isn't for you. Because you were so different. I remember all of my friends were like, this is the guy you're dating. Because, like, your fashion sense wasn't great and because it was the antithesis of what I used to date. But if I hadn't gone through all those experiences and then met you, who came along and just showed me, like, what I actually wanted out of life, I don't think I would have realized it. So for me, having those different experiences allowed me to realize what I was really looking for and what was right for me versus what I'd been, I guess, in the world of North London, like, what is like, the right thing or what People normally go for quotes, air quotes, so I think that that's really important. And then. And the other thing that I also. Or the one thing that I do is I weigh options. Right. What's the worst case scenario? What's the best case scenario? So it's like, if this is the person I'm going to be with for the rest of my life, what are the pros and cons of that? And then if I break up with them because I want to get all these experiences, what's the pros and cons of that? I may have a fun year. I may go around and have all these experiences, but if I actually possibly lost the love of my life and I'm going out to get all these new experiences, but I've given up the one thing that actually was meaningful to me. So I would do that, like, pros and cons, and weigh the options and then make a decision and go, like, go down that path and don't look back.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Indeed.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That's my opinion.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice. It's a good one.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, so next question. Okay, this question comes from Stacy Lee on Facebook. What would you guys do if your sibling. Your sibling is in a toxic relationship? I. I now not. Sorry. I know not to intrude, but it just pains my mom and I when we see my brother unhappy and being affected negatively by his girlfriend.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wow. So, as you were reading the question, I thought so. I define toxic as, what would I do if, like, my sister was being abused, Physically abused, or mentally, emotionally? Like, oh, God. I am not an expert in this, and I'm very grateful that I have no experience in this. I just want to say that up front, but this is one of those things I could not abide. And I know that chances are that I would end up driving my sister away, but I would do something like. Like, that's high risk. But if I know that, like, she's already in the relationship, so if I don't say anything, she's going to stay in the relationship. If I do say something, I may lose my relationship with her, but I at least have some percentage chance of getting her out of that relationship. And I. I would fucking escalate now because my sister knows me and she knows. And this is where you earn your reputation over time. This is so important. Put me in context. Don't take my answer out of context. In context, my sister knows me very well, and I've got 41 years of being a certain kind of person, being insanely consistent with that. Not pushing people, not bullying. Like, I Back off. I let people live the life they want to live. I meet them with compassion, respect. I'm not. I don't evangelize. I don't try to change people. Like, like, I'm a filter, right? We've all heard the things that I say now. If you're watching and you've heard me say it now, my sister has lived it for a very long time. So when I escalate and I'm like, to his face, like, I will have prepped her. I will tell her, look, this is a bad relationship. This is causing you real problems. This is going to evolve your mentality. Neurons that fire together, wire together. You're going to end up with like, like weird cognitive problems from this relationship. As such, I want to let you know, like, anything you need, you can move into my house. Like, the one time I would make an exception, I would put a time limit on it. But like, whatever I needed to do to get her out of that relationship, I would do. And I would be very clear and very direct. And then I would say, should you choose to continue to stay in this relationship, I want to be abundantly clear. I will escalate on this until you never speak to me again. Or like, it's my whole thing. No. Or a restraining order, right? Dude, I would, I would escalate. So like, I. You just can't let that happen. And whatever. Like, if it were physical abuse, I'd get him arrested. If it were emotional abuse, then I would come in.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

What if they were equal? So your sister's just as crazy back to him, right? It's like one of those. Because you're saying it from your sister who you know and is like super sweet. And what if you're in a relationship? Because I've had, I know people like this who've been in relationship and it's one of those like massive spikes, right? They're like lovey dovey and then screaming

[Tom Bilyeu]

at each other fascinating things. You, by lessening the stakes, you just made the question a lot harder.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I know, because that's the thing. Like when it's that I love the hard question, like physical abuse, of course I think most people will go, this is. I need to do it because I have to protect them. But what if it's. They're in this tumultuous relationship. I, every time, I, like, I love my brother, but every time I see him, because. And again, in fact, coming from a female perspective, because I actually do think that's different as well. Because you've got the protective brother element in you. But I'm thinking of it from my own brother as a female. Right. If I saw my brother and it wasn't that he abused her, she didn't abuse him. Or maybe they kind of. They screamed at each other, but he was just, like, unhappy. But he always stayed in that relation. What do you do then?

[Tom Bilyeu]

For the most part, you just have to give them space. Like, they're adults, and they're gonna have to figure it out. And I think, if you like, when I think about my sister being in a really abusive relationship, even in that, I know that. That my whole escalation thing may just alienate her, and then she wants nothing to do with me. And so I get that that's a very plausible outcome. I think that it's exacerbated a thousand fold when there's nothing more than just, like, emotional toxicity going back and forth. Nobody is being abused, if you will. They're essentially, like you said, abusing each other. So, yeah. I mean, would I look for the absolute perfect opportunity. Excuse me? Would I look for the absolute perfect opportunity to say, this doesn't look fun. It does not seem like you guys are having fun. I get it that this is one of those manic relationships where the highs are amazing, and so you cling to those in times of emotional distress when you guys are fighting like cats and dogs. But there is a world in which you can have a very loving, Jesus, very loving, stable relationship. It would. I would be looking for that moment that doesn't mean much to the audience, but you know what I mean by that. And. And I. I think that if there's one superpower that I've developed and gotten very good at, it's being able to tell when the person is emotionally in a place where they'll be able to hear me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And sometimes that means waiting months and months and months for that opportunity. It means, like, for instance, this is. Thinking about it. This is exactly what I would do if my sister were in a toxic relationship. I would say, sis, I really want to start spending more time with you. And I would take her out and I would start spending time with her on the week, weekday, just the two of us. I would go way the out of my way so she knew, like, whoa. Like, he's really. Like, he's driving. He's coming out to see me. Like, this is crazy. He's so weird about efficiency of time, and yet he's spending all this time, like, traveling and all that. And I would do that for months, and I wouldn't bring. I wouldn't even bring up the relationship. And then I would find that critical moment after I'd built up all that, like, goodwill, and I would find that moment where she's emotionally ready to hear it. And I would say that. And then if I got even a mildly negative reaction, I would back off again for a very long time. And then I would present it again and that, this is another thing. Play the long game. It may take you years to get them out of that, but if you go on that full frontal assault, which I would only do if there were physical, like, or, like, real emotional abuse happening, I would play a very long game.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, I literally. It's exactly what I was about to say because, like, this lady Stacy said, I know not to intrude, but it just pains my mum and I when I see him unhappy. So I think you're right. Like, just telling someone you've got to break up with them, like, just puts you in the enemy seat sometimes, you know? Yeah. So I would go, okay, what is meaningful to me, my relationship with my brother? What is meaningful to me, my brother, to know that I'm here for them if he needs it, versus feeling attacked. Because that's the thing. Like, if he's already unhappy but can't get out of this relationship and now he's got family who just. Just attacks him or attacks his partner, so he has to defend her or whatever. Now just put strain there. Like, that's not going to help the brother and it's not going to help your relationship with them. So building that relationship one on one is exactly what I would do. Just letting them know that they have a safe place to come to. And then that way, like, if it feels right and they want to open up, they can talk to you about it. And I just wonder how much is he unhappy when he's with her. Right. Like, let's say they've gone to the mom's house for lunch and it's like they've had an argument in the way of the car. So they arrive and now it's all weird. And so you see the pain, like, put him in situations or do things with him in situations that, you know he may be happy. Right. If he likes movies, take him to the theater and build that, like, relationship and do things that you feel like will change his brain chemistry fresh ways. All right, it's 11 o'. Clock. Do we have time for one more? Not really. I know, not really. I was gonna try and sneak it in, but. Oh, well. But, guys, thank you so much for submitting so many great questions. Really, really good today. And then I just want to say one more time of the question that I asked at the beginning of the episode, which is, are you guys in a relationship right now or not? Would love to hear you put yes or no in the comments so we can see how many people are not or are in relationships.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice. And guys, by the way, if there's anybody out there that is really into movies, TV show shows, video games, all that stuff, what I call media, just media. We have a new it's the same channel as impact theory on YouTube, but we're now going to be posting content there weekly. So only if you're interested in that stuff though, go subscribe to that. We just dropped a our first episode. It was a panel discussion with Dr. Finesse, Casey Files, Elliot and myself talking about Blade Runner 2049. So if you guys are interested in that, go subscribe to that channel. That would be YouTube. It's actually not yet. We have to get 100 subscribers, which we don't even have a hundred subs yet to have the vanity domain. But yeah, if you do a search for Impact Theory, click channels, then you will see it there. Subscribe to that bad boy. But again, only if you're interested in media based content Empowerment. Yeah, we're all about empowerment. Hopefully you guys know that, but go check it out. That'd be amazing. All right, if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Bye.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Peace out everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to Stitcher Rate and review us. That helps us build this community. And that is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can. Deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. All right guys, thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care. There's nothing like my American Express Platinum card. I love that I can earn hotel credits when I travel. I can also earn resi credits so you know, I'm hitting the restaurants everyone's talking about. Plus with the digital entertainment credit, I'm even more excited to catch my favorite shows. All in all, I can access over $3,500 in annual value with benefits and eligible purchases across travel, entertainment and more. Learn [e-mail] Explore Platinum Enrollment Requirements monthly and other limits in terms apply.