Jim Sexton (25:38)
Daddy, can we get some of this, dad? You know, and I. I remember that. Like, I remember that. I remember how exhausting it was. And something in that moment, I actually thought, oh, I'm not Daddy anymore. Like, there was a last time that my sons called me Daddy and then became dad. I've been dad ever since. If you had told me that's the last time when it happened, when they said, like, all right, Daddy, see you later. If you'd said, oh, by the way, that's the last time he's ever going to call you Daddy, like, I would have wept. But that had to die for me to become dad. Like, and I really like being dad, you know, It's a really nice thing to be dad. Like, things have to end for the next thing you know, or. Because things have to end. But, like, for me, being a hospice volunteer and being a divorce lawyer, it was. It was the same thing. It's endings. Like, it's all endings. Everything. To me, like, I think we have to look at things from the lens of endings, because everything is ending all the time. Like, it's always ending all the time. And we. We deny that. We hide from it. We run from it. We try to, like, shield it from ourselves and from each other. And I. I think we're doing a tremendous disservice. So, like, to tie it back to marriage, that couple, you know, they're starting the journey together. I would say to them, do you both know you're going to lose each other? Like, do you know this is going to end, right? Like, you know this is going to end. It might end next week. One of you might walk out of the house and boom, the satellite falls from the sky and kills you. Like, people die all the time for no reason. No, just readily discernible reason. Maybe if we started with that. Like, if you knew this is the last day you'd get to spend with your wife, you would not be talking to me, man. You wouldn't be. Well, you know what it could be. God, I hope it's not. But, man, it could be. Like, one day is gonna be that day, man. So, like, to me, I Don't know. Figure that out. If you figure that out and keep that in your line of sight. Again, I'm not saying you have to, like, renunciate, never go out, because, oh, my God, like, I. You know, I could. Like, I have to spend every minute with my spouse because. But just remember that this is not permanently gifted. It's loaned. Your wife's love is loaned to you. Your love is loaned to her. She doesn't own it. She'll never be able to own it. It's not permanent. It's temporary. So feel it, fully. Embrace it. See it as the precious thing that it is. See it as the finite thing that it is. Take it seriously. Treat it like something that is going away. And if it has value to you, you would remember to say, like, if you knew this was the last time we were going to talk, there's some things you'd say, you know, and that's what's so great about, like, hospice. It's what's so great. When I knew my mother was dying, you know, we walked out of that hospital and she started hospice, and she was on hospice for two years. I'd already been a hospice volunteer at that point for quite some time, but it was a very different experience, and it just changed a lot of things. It didn't really matter that we disagreed about some things politically, and we didn't have a perfect relationship. I was a hard person to have as a son. She was not a perfect mom. Like, it didn't really matter. Like, we loved each other. Like, you know, she. She did the best she could do, and I did the best that I could do. And, like, all that really mattered at that moment was like, do you know I love you? Do you know that? Like, I'm good. Like, you'll be gone, but, like, good. You built this thing. Like, you built this amazing thing, you know? And, like, I'm so happy. My life is so good. Like, so if your goal was to, like, do a good job on that, you did. You did a great job on that. Like, and that, to me, like, when, you know I'm only going to have, like, four or five more conversations with this person, like, that's it. They're slipping away. You can feel it, man. Like, you only have the conversations that matter at that point. And I just think. I don't know. We're just so. You want a hot take? Like, we're so ungrateful. Like, we're so ungrateful. Like, we could just. We should wake up every single day and just Be so grateful, man, we woke up today. I've got this body. It works really well. Like, I've got people in my life who love me and who I love. Like, and I get to spend another day interacting with them in some fashion. Like, I get to eat delicious food and breathe clean air. Like, this is. Like, these are. But again, like, the machine is constantly telling me that, like, I'm doing it wrong and that there's other things I should be chasing. And look, I get it. Like, it's cool to chase other things and stuff like that. But come on, man. Like, come on. Like, every single thing you own, some points can be on. Like, the junk heap doesn't mean anything. Like, what really means something, I believe is, like, the deep connections and love we feel. Like when you look back on your life, like, it's just a series of moments where you felt loved and where you loved someone. Like, it's everything. It's everything. Like, I'm a divorce lawyer. Like, people imagine me to be like the grim reaper of love and marriage. Like, and fundamentally, like, I think I'm the total opposite of that. Like, I am. Being around endings has made me so unbelievably grateful for the core thing, which is love and connection, to feel love. Because I think our biggest fear is that we're not worthy of love, that we don't deserve love, that the people who love us, they don't really know us. If they knew us, they wouldn't love us. They would know that we're just a mess, you know? But the truth is, like, it's not true. Like, if you said to me, Tom, like, off camera, Jim, like, I know I seem like I got it together, but, like, I'm a mess, man. I feel like a mess. Like, I'm so weak sometimes. I make mistakes all the time. I'm short sighted, I'm pessimistic, I'm whatever. I would. I'd be like, thanks for letting me know, man. You suck. I'm not talking anymore. No, I'd be like, hey, Tom, man, don't be so hard on yourself. What are you doing? Like, it's okay. You're human. We're all human. It's okay. Like, you're human, you know? Okay, well, if there was someone in your life who, who talked to Lisa the way you talk to yourself in your brain, you'd beat the shit out of that guy. Like, I know that's true of me. Like, if someone. If someone. We're like, you know, we're not best friends, you and I. But we're friends. Like you. If. If someone talked to you the way I talk to myself in my head, I would be like, dude, you're out of order. Like, you don't know Tom. You don't know everything he's been through. You don't have a right to judge, because I am brutal to myself. Like, I get up in the morning, I'm like, what are you doing, dude? Get out of bed. What are you. Get it going. Like, get to the gym. Like, you're weak. You're getting old. What do you do? Come on. All I do is beat myself up. And so, again, I think that's all the framing. That's all. We've been taught to criticize ourselves constantly. We've been taught to take our eye off the plot. Like you and Lisa. The thing you're doing well is you don't lose the plot. Like, I can tell that about you. It's obvious. Talking to either of you about the other. Like, the two of you, you try to not lose the plot. Like, you're paying attention to the thing you're building. You have this shared goal and shared purpose. And you know what? We are playing a game. You can't win to the utmost. Like, we're just playing this game. Like, we're all gonna die. We're all gonna lose each other. Everything we built will crumble. 100 years from now, everyone who loves you will be gone, and everyone you love will be gone. But it's like our immediate response to that is, well, I'm not gonna think about that. That's terrible. That's a joke. Why? That should be the most liberating, freeing thought in the world. It should be the most important thought in the world. And I guess that that's why I keep. You know, you have a divorce lawyer on and talk about relationships, and I start talking about death. But I think it's partly because, like, yeah, it's endings. Like, divorce is an ending. You know, death is an ending. And I think we need to look harder at endings. And it will. The path of staying together will be clearer to us because we won't lose the plot so easily.