Extending the Honeymoon Phase Indefinitely | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu (Replay)

Summary

Impact Theory Podcast with Tom & Lisa Bilyeu – Extending the Honeymoon Phase Indefinitely (Replay)

Date: April 6, 2024

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Episode Overview

In this special replay of “Relationship Theory,” Tom Bilyeu welcomes his wife Lisa for a candid, in-depth conversation about how to extend the honeymoon phase, keep love alive in long-term partnerships, and navigate the cultural and emotional complexities that arise in relationships. Through direct audience questions, the Bilyeus challenge conventional wisdom, discussing topics like making love last, balancing cultural/family expectations, managing jealousy, dealing with in-laws, and healing from betrayal. The episode offers actionable advice, personal stories, and honest reflections, delivered in their signature warm yet no-nonsense style.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Maintaining Love Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

• Awareness of Love as Brain Chemistry
  Tom frames love as a neurochemical state, inherently changeable but open to influence and renewal:

  "Love was brain chemistry...if that's true, it's inevitably going to ebb and flow. But you can take control of that...do things to stoke those flames." (02:27)

• Transition from Intense Romance to Shared Life
  The early, intense “drug-like” state of love morphs into something deeper and more sustainable—a “shared life”:

  "It is something that you have to understand that's gonna morph and change and it's gonna become something that is, I think, better and more beautiful, which I call a shared life." (03:21)

• The Importance of Physical Connection
  Tom stresses consistent intimacy (not just routine) to avoid “bed death,” highlighting the neurochemical benefits of touch and sex (04:00).

• Quality Time & Over-Communication Both stress the need to consciously schedule time together and always communicate openly:

  "Spending time together is absolutely critical...then just over-communicate. Over-communicate, over-communicate." (05:32) Lisa adds that even “the small things, even when you're saying, don't lie...it somehow makes me not feel connected to you if even those tiny little white lies." (07:25)

2. Finding Joy in Small Moments

• Lisa describes valuing shared, everyday experiences over grand gestures:

  "I so loved just being in your presence...those small moments that we did that give me that internal connection with you." (09:01)

• Her advice: Don’t compare your present relationship to the initial highs, but focus on building connection through the mundane:

  "Don't strive for that intensified love at the beginning 10 years later...look for those small moments you can just really enjoy." (09:43)

3. Navigating Cultural and Family Pressure

• Romantic Autonomy vs. Societal Expectations
  When asked about choosing love over family approval, Tom is blunt:

  "If you're really in love with that person...you can't let anything stand between you, period." (13:21)

• Lisa’s Cultural Narrative
  Lisa shares the challenge of being the first in her Greek family to marry outside tradition, discussing her journey from seeking her family's approval to owning her decisions:

  "I have to lead the life that I want to lead. Because if I start taking external advice...if it fails, I'm going to turn around and say, yeah, but they told me so." (15:26)

• Lasting Impact of Family and Individual Agency Tom urges forming one's internal compass, cautioning against living by others’ expectations:

  "If your parents convince you to marry somebody else, but inside you're still pining for that other person...you can't escape that." (21:06)

4. Dealing with In-Laws and Difficult Family Situations

• Setting Boundaries with Respect
  Tom and Lisa tackle a complicated in-law scenario, advocating for firm but kind boundaries. Tom is direct:

  "You got to get her out. But I'll just pretend we can't do that for whatever reason...It's going to be some real hard conversations. And we have to define, like, rules." (30:41)

• Role of the Spouse and Communication
  They note the importance of the husband (or family member whose parent it is) making his spouse the priority, and maintaining consistency:

  "Wife trumps mom, let's all get real comfortable with that...once it’s stated...everybody can just chill." (33:51)

• Empathy for the In-Law and Consistency in Boundaries Tom underscores the need both for empathy and unwavering consistency, noting:

  "You have to be the bigger person...You're going to keep going until it’s clear they're not going to reciprocate...Then you put your foot down." (39:43)

• Actionable Strategy (Lisa’s Approach) Lisa describes a cooling-off period to bring down tension and foster communication:

  "If I get in a discussion where my anxiety and my stress levels are high, my walls are up. So I need to bring my walls down before I have that [hard] discussion." (36:44)

5. Recovering from Betrayal and Cheating

• Ownership and Self-Reflection After Betrayal Tom’s controversial position is that taking full ownership is the only way to regain control:

  "It's all your fault. And that is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. But it's the only thing that puts you in control. And your fear is a lack of control." (43:46)

• Learning to Read Red Flags Tom and Lisa explore strategies—going slower, seeking feedback from trusted advisors, and potentially therapy—to reduce misjudgments in future relationships (44:44).

• Letting Go of Bitterness Tom is adamant about the need to release resentment:

  "To close down, to build walls, to push people away fundamentally is bad for a relationship." (47:33)

6. Dealing with Insecurity and Jealousy Over Past Partners

• Honesty, Openness, and Small Gestures Lisa shares personal memories illustrating how Tom’s transparency with past relationships and affectionate behavior built trust:

  "You never tried to hide how you felt about them when you were talking about them...you were just 100% genuinely yourself, and you made me feel very welcomed." (53:24)

• Personal Responsibility for Insecurity Tom draws a distinction between legitimate reassurance from a partner and the need to do the internal work:

  "90% of the work of an insecurity is on the person who's insecure...and 10% is the other person. You need to make them feel good about it." (55:54)

• Don’t Weaponize Insecurities Using a partner’s insecurities against them is a cardinal sin:

  "If you ever use it against them, like that is a cardinal sin in my opinion. That's a very hateful thing to do." (57:54)

• Insecurity Is Unattractive Lisa’s blunt insight:

  "No one looks at someone else's insecurities and goes, yeah, that's a turn on. Like, that's attractive. Never." (59:16)

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Memorable Quotes

On the nature of love:

"Love was brain chemistry...if that's true, it's inevitably going to ebb and flow. But you can take control."
(Tom, 02:27)

On living for oneself, not for others:

"If I start taking external advice...if it fails, I'm going to turn around and say, yeah, but they told me so."
(Lisa, 15:26)

On boundaries and priorities:

"Wife trumps mom, let's all get real comfortable with that...once it's stated...everybody can just chill."
(Tom, 33:51)

On handling insecurities:

"No one looks at someone else's insecurities and goes, yeah, that's a turn on. Like, that's attractive. Never."
(Lisa, 59:16)

On letting go of bitterness:

"To close down, to build walls, to push people away fundamentally is bad for a relationship."
(Tom, 47:33)

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Notable Timestamps for Important Segments

• Love as Neurochemistry & Keeping Intimacy Alive: 02:27 – 07:25
• Finding Joy in Small, Shared Experiences: 09:01 – 10:59
• Choosing Love Over Societal Pressure: 12:30 – 21:06
• Family & Cultural Narratives, Individual Agency: 14:34 – 21:06
• Dealing with In-Laws – Rules, Communication, Empathy: 30:41 – 42:03
• Recovering From Betrayal/Cheating: 43:25 – 49:18
• Jealousy, Insecurity & Past Partners: 51:50 – 62:01

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Episode Flow and Tone

The conversation is warm, honest, and often unvarnished. Tom provides logic-driven, sometimes blunt assessments, while Lisa brings empathy, cultural sensitivity, and practical advice. Both balance vulnerability with a bias for action. Throughout, the hosts use personal stories and hard-won wisdom, creating an accessible but thought-provoking roadmap for anyone navigating romantic relationships.

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For those who want to deepen their relationships while staying true to themselves, this episode is both a guide and a challenge—packed with practical tools, raw honesty, and a call to face even hard truths with compassion, courage, and commitment.

Transcript

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[Tom Bilyeu]

You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory. Hey, everybody, welcome. Welcome to another episode of Relationship Theory. I'm your co host, Tom Bilyeu, and I'm here with none other than my beautiful wife, Lisa Billew. What is up, homegirl?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Good. You know, I was just thinking, actually, you've got nicknames for the other team members. What's my nickname for the show?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, for the show. I mean, you have a nickname that I call you, but that'd be really weird to call you that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, I guess in the show. All right, so we'll go to Facebook. This is a question from last week. And guys, if you've got any new comments or new questions, please submit them right now and we'll get to them. Yes, this question is from Andrew Kajowski. Okay, Tom and Lisa, Sam and I just got engaged. What can you suggest we do post marriage to make sure we stay in love and not let our relationship get complicated? Sorry. Complacent over time, out of comfortable, comfortability.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Comfortability. Yes. Actually says that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Is that a word?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I have no idea. It sounds cool.

[Tom Bilyeu]

We're gonna roll with it. All right, so here is my answer. I was just thinking about this in the gym today. I'm not sure how or why it became so apparent to me even when I was pretty young, that love was brain chemistry that it was a state of neurochemicals. And if that's true, it is inevitably going to ebb and flow. It's going to change. You're gonna. And, and this is probably the most important part, that if it is a brain chemistry state, you can take control of that and you can do things to stoke those flames. You can do things to get certain chemicals to pump. So just being aware of that I think is really, really critical. And going into it, knowing that there's a lot of predictability to the way that love flows neurologically. So in the beginning, and I don't know how long it lasts, maybe like six months, maybe a year, you get that like really hardcore intense, like drug like effect of new love, that intoxication, literally. And they've done studies where it's like on an FMRI scan, I don't think you can tell the difference between someone who's on cocaine, I think it's cocaine specifically, and somebody who's newly in love. So, I mean, it's pretty crazy. You're literally out of your mind. And it is something that you have to understand that's gonna morph and change and it's gonna become something that is, I think, better and more beautiful, which I call a shared life. Just, I don't know, calling it like that more mature, deep, like platonic love seems so weird in a romantic relationship because there's still very much. And this is something have sex, like as like blatant as that is, that's really something that you need to do. Not to let it become just sort of by the book, where you're doing exactly the same thing all the time. Like you really need to keep that fresh. But there's a thing called bed debt where people experience. God, am I going to be honest? It was once, it was once relayed to me as lesbian bed death, which apparently is like, what does that mean, man? Now you're. I am parroting back somebody who's in the LBGT community and they said it's like a thing, like in that community, they talk about it a lot. Now I am not an insider in that community. So that basically they become friends, they become roommates. And so once they stop having sex now, why it's more prevalent in lesbians and if it really is, I have no idea. I can certainly prognosticate and that men, at least stereotypically, are the drivers of that. The high levels of testosterone are going to make them much more sexually interested for sure. So maybe it's not a thing on the flip Side of that coin. But anyway, nonetheless, hey, like, if there are kids in the car, that bed death is definitely a big thing to be careful of. You guys want to make sure that just the physicality remains in the relationship, that you guys are doing things to stoke those flames. Just from the pure neurochemistry of what happens when you cuddle and have sex, it's incredibly profound. So making sure that you're doing that and then also just finding the joys in sharing a life and what that means and planning and dreaming and making sure that you're coming together, spending time, like, that's a big one. That was where I was weak at the beginning of our relationship. You always had to be the one who was very cognizant of making sure that we were actually spending time together, that we were reconnecting. I was a little more prone to just work, work, work. So I can tell you from experience that spending time together is absolutely critical and that you've got to put that time in and then just over, communicate. Over, communicate, over, communicate. Talk about everything. Define terms like make sure. Like, even just talking about the fact that, like, this relationship is going to change and evolve and all of that. Make sure it's all out on the table. And then I don't know that this is something we've ever talked about. Probably have. Don't lie, don't lie. You're gonna be tempted a million different ways. Because there are so many little arguments that you could avoid by lying. And it would be so magical. And I cannot tell you how many times I've been tempted, but. And the reason that I think that you shouldn't lie is internal. It isn't so much about the other person. Cause the other person doesn't know. So. And I think that's how people get themselves caught up. They know, like, the likelihood of that person ever finding out that I'm lying is virtually zero. So why wouldn't I lie? And I'm here to tell you the reason you don't want to lie is what it does to you internally. It begins to build a wall. There's just a separation between the two of you. There isn't that real intense connection that comes with just, like, knowing that, like, you can trust what they're saying. Like, that's a really, really big deal. And we've talked about the famous how does my top look? Example and all of that. In fact, that was like episode one. I think that we went into that example of relationship theory. I could keep going, but it's just

[Lisa Bilyeu]

this it's the small things. Even when you're saying, don't lie, right? We're not even talking about the big dramatic things. It's literally the tiny little things that, I don't know, it somehow makes me not feel connected to you if even those tiny little white lies. So it's like I feel so compelled to tell you, even if it's something absolutely ridiculous like, okay, yes, I saw the garbage can was full and I didn't check. I'm so sorry. Instead of going, oh, wow, I didn't even see. It was like, it's so small. But it's those tiny little things that we do. Even now, you know, almost 17 years later that we just.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You in that heavy round. What is with you? Round up.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But also just. I mean, you've already said this about the brain chemistry, but when you first meet, everything is new, right? It's the big things. It's like you go on a trip and it's your first trip together. So it always seems so heightened. Like the week. If we had just met or if it was like in our early stages, the three day weekend, we would have gone away, we would have done some crazy stuff. We would have like really gone out there. And this weekend we didn't. And for me, at least it was. I so loved just being in your presence and being around you and finding the small things that we did that give me that internal connection with you that I think once upon a time would have like. I would have kind of gone for the big thing. So like we went and we just swam and we took Wookie and we put her on this little. We call them lilos. What do you guys call them?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Inflatable bed.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Inflatable bed. And we put Wookie. She was barking, barking because we were in the pool and she really wanted to join us and she was barking, barking.

[Tom Bilyeu]

She didn't want to get wet.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

She didn't want to get wet. So we put her on this little lilo and we put a little blanket for her and she literally just climbed on and sat there and I, I was so happy and content in that moment because I was like, I didn't have to be taken away on a big trip. Like, we didn't need to do something really dramatic. It was like this small little moment where poor bonsai standing off to a side thinking, what on earth are you guys doing? But you know, we were just, we were just connected and bonded and nothing else mattered in that moment.

[Tom Bilyeu]

What's your take home there? Like, what's your. He Wants to know what?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right. It's the small moments. Right. So it's a. Don't compare your relationship now to how it was when you first met, because I think that it's a very different experience. So if you try to compare it, I think you're only going to be left not even with disappointment because it's. If you're expecting, like, everything to be this heightened. Right. Everything's always going to be this exciting and this extreme. You're going to be disappointed because in that moment yesterday when we were in the pool, I didn't have that heightened emotion, but I really did take in the small moments of bonding. And so I think when you have a long relationship. Yeah. Like, don't strive for that, like, intensified love at the beginning 10 years later, because you're going to be disappointed. Look for those small moments in your relationship that you can just really enjoy and find that bonding. Like I was in that moment when we're in the pool and we've got wookie. And I just felt like she saw a baby and like we've just made her so happy. And me and you and seen this smile on your face and just how, like, chuffed you were that you, like, did this for her. Like, I just fell in love with you all over again. And so I don't focus on what it was like when we first met. I focus on the very now. And that's a.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Lower your expectations. I could never.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But that's why, like, if everything that we have here today was gone, I wouldn't feel like my relationship with you, with you would be any different. Because it's about the small values in those. Spending those times together. So. Oh, and then just also, we had Chinese food.

[Tom Bilyeu]

We did have Chinese food. That. But let's. So taking it back to his question.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Sorry.

[Tom Bilyeu]

How do you, like, stay in love? Chinese food.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That's.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's the punchline.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Finding very small things that you guys can bond over and feel that intimate connection. Like, what is that thing for you? What is that thing for her? And then finding those moments to actually do it. At least that's what I.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right. It's good stuff.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, so let's get to a question.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Let's do it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay, this question is from Suyash Singh. Hey, I am from India. Hi, India. I love a girl and her parents are not allowing her to marry me. Should we give up on our love for the love of our parents? I love her truly. And we both are happy together. But they want her to marry Someone else. We took a rational approach to love in the beginning, but we fell in love with each other. Truly. I know you're just gonna, like, come hit them.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I'm, like, about to throw my fucking mic over and, like, flip chairs and shit. That is madness to me. So I get it. There are cultural differences. There is no question. But at the end of the day, if you're in love with somebody, man, that that's. You gotta go all in on that. To me, like, and to crumble to societal pressure is, again, total madness. So, yeah, I don't do well with conformity. I don't do well with other people telling me what I should be doing. Like, if you're really in love with that person and you're prepared to make it work as a relationship and you're not just getting caught up in the red hot romance and then it's gonna f. And you're gonna look like a total asshole, and everyone is gonna tell you, I told you so. But if you can really understand what a life with somebody is and building something but having that base of love, like, dude, I am a huge believer in love. I think love is amazing. It is one of the absolute core pillars of my life. And, I mean, we got a small glimpse of how I responded when your dad was not exactly enthusiastic about us getting together. But I won't put that in this league. Your dad wasn't combative or anything like that. He's very kind and generous from word one to last. But that is, like, crazy town to me. So I think definitively, if you are in love with this person, it's reciprocated, and you guys are prepared to build a real life together that's lasting, that knows how to ride the change and the neurochemistry that is love, that can go from the fiery red hot to, like, the shared life and really being partners and really building something. It does not fucking matter what other people think under any circumstance, as long as that relationship is positive. Now, we all know I'm a psycho. If somebody is emotionally abusive, absolutely not. Totally off the table. That's crazy town. But if this is like one of those where you guys make each other a better version of each other and you're going to help each other grow and develop and accomplish the things that you want in life. You can't let anything stand between you, period.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. I don't know if you remember this, but when we first got together, you flew to England. So your first trip to England. We've been dating for about a month. And we were on the Underground, and we were talking about the next steps, and it was like. Because we both felt this, like, just electricity that we'd never felt before. And so it was, well, you're in London now. You're here for vacation, but what's next? You know? I mean, you had a job. I didn't have a visa. I just finished college. And I remember, like, you said, well, why don't you come to America? I'll get you a job working on a movie set. I've got some friends in the industry. Like, we'll figure it out. And I remember turning to you on the Underground. I don't know why I remember this, but I said to you. But, like, I don't know, look, I have to speak to my dad. I don't know if he's gonna let me. And to me, it was such a natural thought. Like, I don't know if he's gonna let me, because my whole life, my dad has been the alpha of my entire family. And anything I wanted to do, you had to get my dad to agree to. And so I was like, well, I don't know. And it again, it just seems so natural for me to say, well, I have to speak to my dad. And you turned around and you're like, why do you. Why does your dad have to give you permission? And I was, what, 21 at the time? And I was like, what do you mean? Of course he's got to give me permission. Like, apart from the fact that he. I don't have a pen, you know, like, I'm not working, so I'd need him to help supply the money. It's my dad. Like, I just. I just thought of him as the leader of my life, really. I guess. And when you said that, I was like. Like, you were seriously offended. Like, why do you have to ask your dad? And over time, I really realized that what you're just saying, it's. You've got to take the leadership of your own life. And ultimately, the point of having children is to let them go and be free. And so as a child, like, doing what your parents say, like, I hate to say, but eventually they are gonna pass away. Like, I hate. I'm so sorry. Like, just to say that. But they are. And then what happens, right? Like, that's the biggest fear I have, is that I have to lead the life that I want to lead. Because if I start taking external advice, if I don't believe in it, then what am I going to do if it fails? I'm going to turn around and say, yeah, but they told me so. But they told me so. But we live a life of take control over your own, you know, your own life. Like, own it. If something goes wrong, if you fail, if you fall, that's on you. So if I wasn't able to really take a chance that I wanted to take because something else was holding me back, I will always look at that person and blame them. And so, yeah, with family and parents, it's like you're never going to be able to change them. Maybe you can over a long enough timeline, but you. What if you can't? So now literally you're. You're holding back on your future life because other people have told you so. So for me, it was an acceptance thing. Like you were the first or I was the first person in our entire family on tire family to ever marry out of Greek Orthodox, apart from, so my uncle on my mum's side. But that's kind of distant in regards to immediate family, like all my brothers, my sisters, like all my cousins. I was literally the first person to marry out being a Greek Orthodox. And so you can imagine.

[Tom Bilyeu]

On your dad's side.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

On my dad's side, yes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I was going to say, because your cousins were half right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So that's what I mean. On my, on my dad's side. So all of my dad's family, no one ever married out of being Greek Orthodox. My brother, my sister. Like, I was the first person. So I of course got negativity like, oh, what are you doing? You know, he doesn't understand the culture. And so I just had to make a decision. Like, I love this man so much and what is the worst that can happen, right? Like, I could be wrong and our marriage could fail. I could be okay. And at least I knew. But if I was like, holding to, well, my dad told me so, my mum told me so I shouldn't marry this person. And then God forbid something happened to my family. It's like, now what? So I think I'm okay with being wrong. I'm okay with failing. I'm okay with something going wrong because I've made that decision and not my, my family.

[Tom Bilyeu]

What I find really interesting is that a lot of your life is predicated around questions of what happens when that person dies. You think about that a lot. Like, you think about, like, what happens, like, even your answer to this question, like, when they die, then, right Then it doesn't really matter anymore because they're not there to, like, echo back or like, you've talked a lot about. The one thing that would really freak you out about us not having kids is if I die and then you don't have kids. That's really interesting, and I have a totally different frame of reference.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But don't you think of it as, like, a morbid thing, though?

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, it's not. I wasn't thinking that. What's interesting to me, though, is how much your world is constructed by the people that you're around, right? So you're much more, like, when you look at. Part of the reason that, like, surgery is so crazy and so hard to do well is because everything in the body is, like. Is connected, right? Like, the muscle tissue and the fat are actually intertwined. And I mean, you can see it in a steak, right? It's like, all, like, marbled together, and it's very difficult to just extract one from the other. My life is very different than that. Like, internally, like, my whole thing is about, what is that internal compass where, like, where am I? Irrespective of anyone else, nothing else matters. And that's why, like, for me, this question is so cut and dry. It wouldn't even occur to me, like, legitimately, if my mom said something like, oh, you shouldn't do that because, you know, whatever. Like, we think you should marry this person. Or I think I would be like, it's such a non sequitur. It's like, what does it even matter? Like, this isn't your life. This is my life. It's like your reflection of the world. And the way that things should be literally has no bearing on how I see things. Or, like, I have an internal experience and I need to be consistent with that internal experience. And, you know, when you were talking, I was thinking about Vishen and his whole notion of the culturescape and bullshit rules. And then I was thinking about Yuval, Noah Hariri, who wrote the book Sapiens and Homo Deus. And it's like he talks about how this is all made up. Like, once you understand this is all made up. Like, everything that you're in the middle of right now. And then now I'm thinking about my boy, Agent Smith, and the whole David Foster Wallace, and this is water. And it's like it's so ever present, like, all these beliefs and assumptions that your family, the culture that you grew up in, have handed you that. It's like you can't even see that it's made up. And, like, now I'm really freaking myself out because I can think even, like, I'm coming From a Western perspective of the individual, right? And I think, hey, but even that is water. And it's just so, like, ubiquitous in my life that I don't even question it. So, like, from my perspective, it just makes all the sense in the world that, like, okay, I have an internal experience. That internal experience is unique to me. I cannot escape it. And it's the only reason that I think individualism is the only sort of the last bastion of reality, because you can't escape it, okay? You can't escape the voice in your head. So if your parents convince you to marry somebody else, but inside you're still pining for that other person. You can't escape that. If you make a mistake listening to somebody else. And that voice is just beating you up because you knew. You knew, right? Like, you knew you were in love with that person and yet you went with it and you crumpled. You can't escape that. That is the nature of the human animal. You have a voice in your head. It is commentating on everything. It is secreting chemicals. You are experiencing something. And that's why, to me, that needs to be the compass. And so what people have to deal with is, like, uncertainty. That's what fucks people up. They don't know what they want.

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[Tom Bilyeu]

That's the point.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I don't know if I agree, though, because culture is. I was brought up in a Greek Orthodox family and so we had a lot of cultural things and it's actually, it's meaningful to me. And so even if it's made up, it gives me a certain chemical reaction. And so I. And I Legitimately feel that chemical reaction when we. The whole family's together and my dad's doing a barbecue or it's Easter and we've gone to church in the morning. It's like going to church for my dad to see him happy. Like, I'm getting that chemical rush. So even if it's made up, I still get a pleasure from it. And so really, it's at least for me, going back to the death thing, because I never thought of it like that. That's actually very powerful. It's really because I want to please, right? So it's like, I want to please my dad. I want to make him happy. I want to make him proud. I want to please my mom. I want to make her happy. I want to make her proud. But if I use that as my driving force, then I'm done, right? Because eventually they will be gone. And then what? So it's. It's almost a thinking of it, like, that allows me to really go deep inside and say, no, Lisa, what do you actually want and what do you actually want to do? Because now you're basing decisions off what's internal versus what is momentary pleasure that I'm giving my parents.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And then ultimately, I think going back to this question is the worst. Comes to the worst, and they say they're going to disown you. I would have to say, okay, like, disown me, because it's not. I'm not doing something spiteful to somebody. It's just, I'm following my heart. And I think you need to become okay with that, because especially the woman. Like, if she's not okay with being disowned by her family, that could really cause friction between her and her family, the person.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Fascinating insight. That's why this is so complicated. Because the way that each person, like, reads the other people and, like, wanting to make them happy, and I don't know, like, what happened to me, but let me tell you right now, the craziest thing, the most counterproductive thing you could ever say to me would be, I'm gonna disown you because. Are you out of your fucking mind? Like, immediately? Okay, Like, I. That's so crazy to me to try to leverage your presence in somebody's life to get them to do what you want. Like, I would never think to present that to somebody. Like, I would never say, well, if you do that, then this is over, or whatever. Like, that's crazy town. Like, to not try to.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Parents do that all the time.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes, but it's Madness. I agree, but it's. It's only madness because it doesn't work on someone like me. But it would work on you. That's what's interesting. That was like, the insight is there's that. That's so meaningful to you in a way that it's not to me. Like, I love my family. I love them so much. It's one of the first things that we bonded over. But my whole thing is I'm going to take you as you are. Back me up. Do I not say take people for who they are?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's my whole thing, right? Don't judge them. Empathy, compassion, love, connection, all of it. But I'm never expecting them to change. I only want them to change if they want to change. If it's going to give them something that they want, and if they come seeking advice, I will give it. But I don't. I certainly don't proselytize. I don't go out of my way. I'm not trying to get people to change, ironically, because you would think me doing the show that I'm all about changing other people. I'm a filter. That's it. I'm looking for people who want my message. And I will. Hey, I've learned a few things. If you would like to avail yourself of that knowledge as readily as I avail myself of other people's knowledge, please, by all means. But man, somehow, some way in all of that, like, because I don't do that to others, dude, doing, like, trying to lay that on me would be just a losing tactic.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I do wonder how much it's a female male thing. Like, because you even said. Because we had the discussion the other day where I said to you. So it's, you know, we always come up with little questions to ask each other. So what would you rather. And so my question to you is, what would you rather if you. We were only going to have one child, would you rather have a boy or a girl? And your answer was,

[Tom Bilyeu]

I don't feel strongly either way. But I said a boy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You said a boy. You said a girl because she's going to take care of you.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, I said that. That's why, like, I would lean that way. Like, I get it. Like, that you'd probably be better looked after.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So hard in my head, you said,

[Tom Bilyeu]

which because I used to. That was always my go to and largely because I wanted a little you running around. And then like, the way that you think about your dad and want to look after your dad was like, Always like, hey, that would be amazing. But at the end of the day, like when I think about my drive and like all of that, like, like if I was gonna do.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But the reason why I bring it up is because there's an expectation. If you have a girl, the expectation is that she's going to take care of you. So in a relationship like this, if your parents turn to you as a female you. At least for me I was brought up to be like, I'm gonna take care of my parents. Was you didn't have that emotional connection with your parents.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So I think what like I, my. So first of all, I was, am still so close to my mom. So close. And my poor long suffering mother was like, basically at some point, like, I'll just come live with you. And I was like, you never live in orphan. Like I will get you the nicest old folks home ever. But like you would rather be in the old folks home. That's the kind of place I'm gonna put you. You're gonna love it. This is not like some desolate, horrible place. It's gonna be amazing. But you're not living with me. And I, I told her that like straight up from word one. And that was just always where I came from. Like love my mom to death. But like I get how completely and utterly and forever that changes your life when you have somebody living with you.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Well, there's actually that leads to a great question about mother, but this is about mother in laws. So this is interesting. This question is from Stacy Lee. I feel guilty for asking this question because it involves my mother in law. Stacy, don't feel guilty. We've all got to get it out. She's a single mother and I respect her to the fullest for that. She's done for what she's done for our, for her children. However she lives with us. And I feel that our relationship hasn't been growing. For example, we rarely have date nights or alone time in the house because our mother in law is at the house all the time. It feels as if we cannot lead the life that we want to lead. I cannot be the wife that I want for my husband because of the little things. His mother in law or his, his mother in law likes to be in control in the kitchen. She means her mother in law. How do we take control of these circumstances?

[Tom Bilyeu]

God. Okay, so I'm going to deal with the world the way that it is, not the way that I wish it would be. So my like straight up objective advice is you got to get A route. But I'll just pretend that we can't do that for whatever reason. It's going to be some real hard conversations. Like, real hard conversations. And we have to define, like, rules. So one, whose house is it? Is it my house and you're living here or is it our house? Now I will say it's your house and she's living in it as such. Just like dear mother in law, when your kids were in your house, it was your house, your rules. So it's going to be our house, our rules. Now we want to be respectful. I want to make sure you feel welcomed and I want to make sure you feel loved. But there are. And by the way, you're actually going to have to make her feel welcome and loved. Like, feel, not just say the words. You're gonna have to make her feel welcomed and loved. Because in that a lot of problems are gonna go away just from that. Like, if she feels welcomed and loved now, once she feels welcomed and loved now you can begin to, like, draw lines in the sand. And they have to be hard and fast lines. So first of all, if there's a give that you can do, like, hey, for me, and this is probably very different for you, but for me, I don't care about the kitchen. I could not care less. So that would be a magical give to say, oh, you want like control in the kitchen. Like, that's gonna be your space. But by the way, I would actually verbalize this and I would say this instead of it being sort of this unsaid, like, weird thing. The kitchen's your world. When we're in the kitchen, I will do what you want. I will be a good helper, like, whatever that arrangement is gonna be. Now this may not be an option for you guys. That may be like the battleground, but in a fantasy land. That would be awesome. You have a give. Something to really say, like stated, this is your space. I'm going to help. Because then they're going to be other times where it's like, hey, whatever that thing is that you care about, that you're going to have a hard line in the sand. You're not going to give. That's going to be your space. It's going to be stated, it's going to be talked about. And then like with date night and stuff like that, that is so critically important, then you just have to like establish maybe there's times that she needs to go away. If you guys have kids, I think she said they had kids, right? So maybe there's times where she's gonna babysit, you're gonna go out and have an evening. But to say like hey, you need to make yourself scarce on Thursdays from 7 to 10pm Whatever. Like that thing is go see a movie, whatever. Like that's very, very okay in my world. Now maybe she's elderly and ill and like there could be other competitions, complications, but then it's just like you, you really have to welcomed, loved and then hard and fast. Rules, regulations, rules of engagement, all of that. You have to like this is where it gets hard. But these are the conversations that I've actually had with my mother to give you an idea. Wife, Trump's mom, let's all get real comfortable with that like once it's stated. And now everybody can just, just like chill and have the conversation and let's discuss.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That's now the husband that will need to do that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Great.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And so that's a, that's a question on how he's handling the situation. Because we've known somebody who literally in those situations, if there has been a little uncomfortable nurse or the mother's like, and the mother in law is like overstepping her boundaries and then the son basically just sits and defends the mother and not the wife.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I don't know who this is.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I'm not saying you do not. I'm so, but anyway, so it's like, so it's. That is a big deal. Like how is your husband and your other half handling those situations? Because with me and you, you stay out of it. And you've always said that like if once it becomes like you need to be involved then you, because it's your relationship with your mom. But if it's between me and your mom, you most pretty much stay out of it. You don't get involved. But you've always said to her my wife comes first. And so that and full respect to

[Tom Bilyeu]

my mom by the way. She's the one that taught me that. Yeah respect like so even when I was a kid she was like, hey, one day you're gonna get married and she has to be your number one.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Simple as so you stating that, me knowing that you stated that and then allowing me to have a relationship with your mum mean her like that was a big deal. And then one thing advice that I'd give also is how is your personal relationship? So getting rid of the husband, getting rid of the kids, what is your relationship like with your mother in law? Like imagine she wasn't living in the house. Right. Do you guys actually Spend time together, because that was a big deal in people want to feel needed. So maybe her mother in law wants to feel needed, which is why she's like, feels like the kitchen is the place that she can feel needed and bring value.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Really important.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So if you can say to her, like, if you can give her that time, like, I can. Okay, once a week, me and you are gonna go for lunch.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And how do you find that out?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Communication. You've got to sit down. You have to. But. But I think that sometimes, depending on how long they've lived together, you can't just jump into it. Right. Because maybe there's slight animosity between them.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, you can and you have to.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

See, I wouldn't.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh God.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like, jump into it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

What do you mean jump into it? I assume you mean like a real conversation where we sit down and we say, hey, and now we're gonna do.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I would say you have that conversation, like maybe one or two weeks after you've been able. Like if the, like, not anxiety, the, the stress or the friction is up in the air, I would say try and bring that down first before you have that discussion. So if it is the kitchen and

[Tom Bilyeu]

that's her place, like, like you're giving people an out to stretch out for years and years because the tension never goes away. I'm saying, like, but what are they doing in that week to diffuse it? So let's say, for instance, they've lived together four years. It's a fucking nightmare. She wants her out. She actually fantasizes about choking her until she passes out. Like I'm telling you, like, so right now what?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I can just say from my perspective, if I get in a discussion where my anxiety and my stress levels are high, my walls are up.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yep.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So I need to bring my walls down before I have that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So who takes the lead on bringing the walls down?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, she has to.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Why does she need a week to do it?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I mean, I'm just saying that's what I would need.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But what would you be doing in

[Lisa Bilyeu]

that, in that week? I would literally flip a switch and I would say, like, how can I bring value to her? What are the things that she's looking for right now that I can help with? It's just literally a week. But those tiny little things.

[Tom Bilyeu]

This is interesting for you and I because, like, for me it's binary. Once I flip the switch, it's immediately instantaneous. But I really want to learn.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So if we get in a heated discussion, you know, I need to walk away.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. But that's like brief. Like, what are you doing for the week?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So the week, it literally is like, how am I bringing value to my mother in law this week?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay. And at first you get like a

[Lisa Bilyeu]

really bad worry about like what's in. I mean, I assume she's busy. It's not like you, you can just do it overnight.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Like, this is so like your brain is a bit of a black box. Like, I just know. Give you space and then magically you'll come back and you'll be in a

[Lisa Bilyeu]

better space structure the way I think, think about things.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Interesting. So it's like mantras. Like, not mantras, but like a discussion that you're having in your head.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Like it's. I would say to myself, how can I bring value to this person? Like, what is the one thing I can do today, Today to make them feel special? What's the. How can I show them How? Because you said, like, obviously she's very grateful for all the things that she does with the kids. Like, what's the one thing I can do this week that makes her seem like me? Show my gratitude for it. You know what? I'm gonna sit down with my kid and we're gonna make a card and we're going to give it to grandma together. And so now I feel good about doing things. I feel good about making this person happy. And then I'll say, hey, let's go out for lunch next week or let's go out for lunch tomorrow. I really want to talk to you. Things have been weighing on my mind and I really want to. I really feel like you can help me with it. Right? Make them feel like a part of this new transition. Make them see the positivity in it and then sit down with them and say, look, you know I'm so in love with your husband, but we're just not. Sorry. With my husband, your son. We're just not having the bond that I feel like I really need right now. And so I'd love your help on this. And the way I've been thinking about it is it'd be really great. I really want to start implementing date night again. And I really need your help on that because we need our space. And so I'm just trying to think, do I. Do you take. Look after the kids and me and

[Tom Bilyeu]

you know what happens when she lashes out saying what? And she's like, bitchy about it?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Then my. I would give it a few more shots and then I would have to start putting my foot down all right,

[Tom Bilyeu]

well, let's talk about a few more shots, because I think that's the right answer. Like, people need to understand, like, really be empathetic for a second. Be compassionate, put yourself in her shoes. She's living in her son's house. Not her ideal situation.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Single mother, right?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Single mother. So she, like, things just did not play out the way that she wanted. And in fact, like, if I had to guess, I don't know this woman, but if I had to guess, she's thinking, I made this huge investment in my son, now it needs to pay off, right? I need a place. I'm his mother, for God's sake. I raised this child. I work two jobs. Single mom. Like, I can feel the momentum among emotionally for her. And so she's not in a good place. So I think really, really, like, you have to be the bigger person. You've really got to invest and go. Look, this may take me several attempts to really build this relationship back and get to that place where the walls are down. Both me and her get into a good place. She's feeling welcome, she's feeling loved, she's feeling my gratitude. Like, all of those things which are real, by the way. You're not faking. Like, you just want to make sure you externalize so that she actually feels that she's feeling good. Building that relationship, knowing. Knowing that you're going to be rejected a couple times, maybe several times, but that you're going to keep, like, going on that until it's clear, like, they're not going to reciprocate. And then I will just say this. People treat you exactly the way you let them treat you. So if you put your foot down and say, hey, and I always think it's best, approach it calmly. Hey. I just want to say, like, this isn't okay for me anymore, and this is how my behavior is going to be changing. And then I'm just giving you a heads up. And then it's like, that line is really in the sand and you fucking, like, make it known. And at that point, like, you just have to be ultra consistent. Ultra consistent, Ultra consistent. And just because you've got a hard line doesn't mean. And this, this is important. And this is something I think people are really bad at. If you've got a hard line and you clash, whatever, like, once you've established, like, this is how it's gonna be now and forever. But now I'm not upset about it anymore and you let it go and you're immediately like, it's there's inevitable clashes, but you don't have to get moody about it. Right. And that's where people lose. Like something pisses them off and they stay mad for a very long time. And that was always my big thing. I had to learn to not stay mad, to like, reduce the amount of time that I was pissed off about something to literal milliseconds.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. So what if she literally will never change and now it's affecting the relationship between me and you.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Got to go. Period. Like now we could get in a whole nother discussion where it's like legitimately. And here's the bad news. I think most people just fuck up all the things that we were just talking about. They don't know how to approach the other person. They get pissed off. They've got resentment. They're not able to let it go. They're escalating. They're part of the problem. And so they're never able to like do this. But let's say that they handled it perfectly. And she still is a problem. Got to go. Got to go. Like, there's no two ways about it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

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[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, so got another question from Rizwan Masani. I was cheated real badly for a green card for my ex wife, leaving me socially and mentally wounded. I'm so scared of starting a new relationship and being cheated on again. How do I overcome this?

[Tom Bilyeu]

There's only one answer. It's all your fault. It's all your fault. And that is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. But it's the only thing that puts you in control. And your fear is a lack of control. And so you just gotta own it, man. You did something to make her feel either you chose poorly. Maybe she's a sociopath.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I was gonna say maybe she has, but not even a social path. Maybe she was like, I want a green card. I've seen somebody who it's an easy opportunity for me or my life is so bad in this country that I'm living In I must escape. And so it's not about him, it's about me trying to escape.

[Tom Bilyeu]

He misread.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

He totally misread the situation. And he wasn't able to see that he was bamboozled. That's on him. And so what are the things that you need to do to really learn to get to know somebody better? To maybe not get. It's awesome to get caught up in the emotion, but not to be blinded by it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And that's what I was wondering. Like, were there many signs that he ignored because he was getting an emotional satisfaction? Whether it's insecurity within himself, and now someone's showing me attention. And so all these signs you just ignored because.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Or maybe he doesn't see them and that's what he has to work on. Just take the most terrifying, like possibility. Right. Answer the hard question. And everything else is easy. The hard question is he didn't see it right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

He didn't see it right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Couldn't see. And. And from the question, are we sure that she was the one that wanted the green card? I guess that makes more sense.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay, so if she wanted the green card, go ahead.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I was cheated real badly for a green card for my ex wife and she left him socially mentally wounded.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. So that seems very, very plausible. So let's just say that he can't see the most obvious signals. Signs.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Or did they cheat on him to get a green card? Maybe that's it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Let's not get hung up. She cheated on him. We know that a green card was involved. There were signs. And I'm just saying if he's not good at identifying the signs, then that would need to be the first thing that he really does. And so I'm reaching out to the universe. What would I do if I couldn't read the sign? Honestly, maybe one of the first things I would do, I would have a trusted advisor and just get their feedback. Now you have to be careful. You can't just take their word for it. They may have ulterior motives. And if he's not great at judging that, he may not be great at judging that either. But I would have a trusted advisor, somebody to throw things out, be a consigliere, like, give me advice. I'm not necessarily going to act on it, but at least I'll get a second point of view from somebody. I would certainly go way more slowly. So I'm not gonna rush into the marriage. This is all assuming that I don't trust my own read on the situation and Then, man. And this becomes a little bit tricky, certainly in the beginning of the relationship. This is probably something you have to reserve for a little bit later. But I might get a therapist and like, say, like, hey, this is not somewhere where I've shined historically and I'd really like to make sure. And obviously I'm not gonna say I don't trust this bitch. And so we need to. But I would be like, hey, I recognize that I'm not great at facilitating the open communication of really hearing what the other person is saying. So I want to make sure that we get a more formal setting to talk. And it would be things that I would try that thankfully isn't my problem. And so I'm having to ask myself what I would be like if I were blind in that way.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Because so. So many people carry the bitterness. So many. We know people who have been in marriages and been divorced for like almost 20 years and they still hold on to bitters.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Losing strategy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I think some people find pleasure in holding on. I don't know.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It also becomes hardwired. Like they've obsessively thought about that person and negativity, that situation and negativity over and over and over and over and over. It also is unfair. And they want there to be some sort of cosmic justice. And the cosmic justice never comes. And so now they're like really pissed off about things. That's a losing strategy. Optimism here. This is the, the, the thing that makes humans such a wonderful and fascinating animal. To be in a relationship, to get hurt and to open yourself to being in a relationship again, knowing that you're probably going to get hurt again like that. That is the beauty of the human experience. To be able to open yourself up like that and know, like, whoa, I might get rocked again. But to close down, to build walls, to push people away fundamentally is bad for a relationship. Like you would Never tell a 21 year old in their first relationship, hey, by the way, throw up some walls, really reject them, push them, keep them at arm's length. That's a great way to start a relationship. Nobody would ever say that. Actually, they probably would. Somebody that's embittered and been through that, it's really bad advice. Let me just state that empirically. Because the way that the human animal. So humans are not necessarily monogamous and we can get into testy size and all of that. How we know that humans are sort of middle of the road from a monogamy standpoint. It's like they can do it, but it's not necessarily their natural state. So it's like there's gotta be a reason to be in a monogamous, committed relationship. And that reason is to be somebody's number one. To feel totally welcomed into their embrace. To know that they're always going to have your back, that they're always going to be your teammate, that it's you and them. Like, if you're not able to get to that, don't get in a relationship, period. It's not going to be worth the sacrifice. It's going to be total misery.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But I think that where people find it tough is that they're willing to sacrifice and the person doesn't. And that's when you, you've been, you know, stabbed in the back.

[Tom Bilyeu]

They're willing to sacrifice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like, I'm sacrificing for this relationship. I'm given everything and then you come along and you cheated.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But how do we get deep into the relationship without me recognizing that?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Say that again.

[Tom Bilyeu]

How do we get deep into the relationship? One sided. Like, I get it like in the first month, maybe six months. But like if the person's not reciprocating. Thank you. It was nice, really enjoyed meeting you. I don't do, and maybe this is like my flaw. I don't know how to help people. I don't do unrequited love. Like, it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

No, I know, but I think that you get a certain amount of emotional satisfaction in one arena that it becomes like that drug we were talking about earlier when you first meet somebody. It's like people, I think, ignore the bad side because every so often they get like this hit of.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Stop ignoring the bad side.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, I mean, I think that's ultimately like.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Let me be really clear. Ready?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

There's one reason to be in a relationship. To be somebody's number one. Not to be the number one. For somebody to be somebody's number one. Okay, that's it. So the only reason you should be in a relationship with me is if you know you're my number one. The only reason I'm gonna stay in a relationship with you is because I feel that I'm your number one. That's it. So the moment that you don't feel like that, what the fuck are you doing? What are you doing? Literally, what are you doing? Like, it's not worth the trade, you're going to be unhappy. Because the only answer I can hear people saying is kids. Okay, well, it's not a positive relationship so it's going to be a bad thing for your kids to be seeing and being a part of. Like, way better to split and be adults about it and co parent and support each other. Your parents were a phenomenal example of how to handle a divorce. So let me tell you, it can be done. It's not like there's no pain to be had, but I think there's actually less pain in that, where they come together and they're very supportive and all that. Never ever being, like, showing animosity towards each other. They may have had all the animosity in the world, but they didn't externalize it, which is amazing. That, I think is less damaging than being together, but being cold or fighting and having this weird dynamic, it's like, God, like, we can get into attachment styles and all that. Like, it gets pretty crazy. But yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. All right, we got time for one more question.

[Tom Bilyeu]

We've gone long on a few questions today.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, this question is from Adam. Will Willoughby. How do you deal with being jealous of past partners? Insecurity. They still like insecurity. They still like them or you're not as good as them. Love your work, Tom and Lisa. Thank you. Well, when we first met, I remember, like, I don't know, we'd been dating maybe for two or three weeks, and your ex girlfriend had a birthday.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, that's right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I remember you. And so I'm Greek, his ex girlfriend was Turkish, and he takes me to a Turkish restaurant.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That is weird. I have a thing for, like, the Mediterranean book, apparently.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And so anyway, so first, like, three weeks in, you take me to your ex girlfriend's birthday. She's beautiful. So, of course, like, you know, every insecurity in me just jumps out. And you were so sweet and attentive to me. Like, I think actions matter, right? Words matter. And so you took me there, you held my hand. We never really even spoke about being boyfriend and girlfriend. You walked like you weren't bashful about saying hi to her, wishing her happy birthday, giving her a birthday hug. Like, you were just you. And I don't know if you even thought about it, but it was those things that you didn't seem hesitant to hug her, which actually made me feel better because it was like you weren't trying to hide anything. You weren't like, oh, hey, happy birthday. And like, you were just like, hey, happy birthday. Yeah. Meet my girlfriend, Lisa. Lisa, this is. I remember her name, but you were just 100% genuinely yourself, and you made me feel very welcomed. You Made me feel like the most special person in that restaurant. And so that made a massive difference to how I felt about her. And then you. I remember. So we used to do photography a lot in our spare time. We would go out and just do photography. And when I met you actually had the dark room. And for those people out there that have no idea what a dark room is, it's. You basically process your own film. And you were an artist and you had incredible photography, but you had incredible photography of ex girlfriends. But again, like, you never made me feel like it was a comparison. And you never tried to hide how you felt about them when you were talking about them. It wasn't like she meant nothing. And, no, she's not attractive like this. There's such a force as going back to being honest with each other, where you were like, yeah, look at this photo. Like, what I love about this photo is the composition and the way her face is and the way she's looking. And, like, the light, the way it's hitting her. And in that honesty, like, I was just, like, relieved. I didn't feel like you were hiding anything, so I didn't have any kind of jealousy towards them. And I think that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So to bring it back to the question. So part of it is the partner needs to be very thoughtful.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And so to give you more my perspective on that birthday party, I thought very much about it. And this comes to why I think movies, TV shows, comic books are so important. Like, watch a couple romantic comedies to see how to do everything wrong and then do it exactly the opposite. So in a romantic comedy, of course they would go to the party and the person wouldn't hold their hand and would be a little bit weird about it. And, like, there'll be, like, all these excuses and reasons. And so it's like, okay, that doesn't make any sense. Like, I am not with that person anymore. I'm not with that person for a reason. I'm with this new person who I am completely intoxicated by. So I want this person to know and know in certain terms. Like, and you want to talk about another thing that I'm not into the whole, like, being with somebody that you don't want other people to know about. Like, they did a whole thing in sex. And the same, if I remember right, insecurity is to the other person so that they can be aware of it, that they can be sensitive to it, that they can help you with that, but you have to do the work of not letting it become obsessive. And this is where people trip up, is they become obsessed with their insecurities and they like want to feed into it. And like there's. Because the insecurity gives them this really heightened emotion. Like the intoxic emotions are intoxicating. And this is, this is where you get drama queen means emotions are intoxicating. So merely feeling a strong emotion is kind of cool. And so people like want that like really heightened emotion of like, I'm gonna test this person and I'm gonna like, I've told them my insecurity. And now like, you're in this really dark place, but you feel alive. And it. So it's like, dude, you can't let yourself do that because it's just, it's a waste of energy. So understanding that, yes, you're gonna have a temptation to like go into that dark, insecure place just because it's heightened and you feel alive and it's dramatic and even like crying hysterically and like all of that makes you feel alive. So people need to be very cognizant of the way the human mind works. They need to talk themselves off a ledge. They need to understand that there's negative voice that's found this thing to obsess about to, you know, just play over and over. And they have to say, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to obsess about it. It is what it is. And I'm going to do either things to make that insecurity better. If they don't feel that they're educated enough, go read. If you don't feel that your body is the way that you want it in a non obsessive way, eat healthier, start working out. Like, there are always things that you can do. And then men are judged for their wealth and height. Okay, can do all kinds of things about wealth. Can't do jack shit about your height. So let's focus on that one. So because you know that there's nothing you can do about your height, to become obsessive about it does not make sense. You have to literally say, hey, this is as tall as I am. I'm never going to be any taller. I'm not going to waste time thinking about that. I want to be with somebody who legitimately doesn't care about that. They need to make me feel that they don't care about that. But I also need to shut off the part of my brain that cares about it. Like literally deaden it. Stop thinking about it. Don't be obsessive. It is what it is. Let it go. You just have to like, do the mental gyrations to not make that a part of what you value yourself for. Right. So you got to do the work. Is the end of the day. Like, insecurities aren't going to go away by themselves. You have to do the work to stop thinking about it, to address what you can address, and then to let go of the things that you can't. And there's a great quote, I forget who said it, but basically there are two things you should never worry about. Things you can change because go change them, and things you can't change because you can't change them. So stop worrying about it. So, and through like doing the mental work, you can get to that point. So I think that In a relationship, 90% of the work of an insecurity is on the person who's insecure. They've got to do that, let it go, get past it, address it, whatever. And then 10% is the other person. You need to make them feel good about it. You need to recognize, recognize what an insecurity is and that if you ever use it against them, like that is a cardinal sin in my opinion. That's a very hateful thing to do. I don't think. I think everyone for their own reason should say, I will never use somebody's insecurity against them. Like, no matter what they're doing to me, I'm never going to lash back out and throw their insecurity back at them. So that just feels good. Now if somebody were being abusive to me with my own insecurities, I'm not going to lash back out of them, but I am going to pretty rapidly get them out of my life. And that would be my suggestion.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Also, the truth is no one looks at someone else's insecurities and go, yeah, that's a turn on. Like, that's attractive. Never.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So meaning the fact that they are insecure.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right, Right. So for instance, if I was really jealous about God, and I am not, but let's just say I was jealous about, you know, a woman who was coming onto you because, because of Quest and everything. You get a lot of young women trying to chat you up. And so imagine I'm jealous about it or insecure about it. Well, I've got two choices. One, go up to you and be like, why were you talking to her? I can't believe it, blah, blah, blah. And so now do you think that I'm more attractive to you or less? Right. You're going to be less attracted to me versus I come with confidence. I come with, yeah, just confidence. And just, you know, like I've said to you in the past, like, babe, you still got it. Like, women are still trying to chat you up. Like, that's right. That's my man. And so I feel proud about it. And because I feel proud. And because even if I do get a twinge of, like, oh, she's got a better physique than me. Oh, she's prettier than me, whatever. Because of course I'm human and I'm a female, those thoughts do pop into my mind. I immediately eradicate it by saying, yes, but he's with you. And so I'm confident. And I really do just tell myself that, like, insecurities are not attractive. And so if my whole goal is to make you yearn for me, is to make you attracted to me and feel proud that I'm with you, then I also need to reciprocate knowing what you're looking for. Looking for. And so, yeah, like, I kind of squashed that insecurity immediately because it's like, look, if you want to be with somebody who's more attractive or you want to be with somebody younger, you want to be with somebody with a better body, you're going to be right. Like, there's no amount of stalking, checking your phone, badgering you, arguing with you, that's gonna stop you if you really want to. So now I just need to know I'm responsible for my own actions. I can't, you know, be responsible for your actions, but I know what I would look for. And if you kept coming to me, were you insecure about guys who had bigger arms or whatever? Like, eventually I'd be like, oh, my God, enough. Like, then go work out. Go get bigger arms, like, if that's what your thing is, and go do it. But you just badgering me, saying, like, why are you looking at his arms? Like, now it's just draining on me. And I don't look at you with admiration. I look at you going, oh, God, he. We go again. And so. Because. Yeah, and so that's what I would. Every time I felt insecure about something, I would just snap myself back into. Like, no one finds this attractive. No one.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's mean, but wonderfully true. It's so true.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You want the other person to just mollycoddle you forever?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I wouldn't be cruel,

[Tom Bilyeu]

baby. It's a hard truth. Don't. Don't back off now, because that is so important for people to hear, not only is it not attractive, it's hopelessly unattractive. And yeah, that is so, so, so important for people to hear.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I just mean I wouldn't be cool about.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I'd be like, trust me, you're amazing and have always been incredibly, incredibly supportive of my insecurities. But you've also made that very clear. Like, you got to do some work. Yes, it's not sexy for you to wallow in being insecure about something. And yeah, you gotta do it. And guys, when it comes to. And I mean, people, when it comes to an insecurity, think about the thing that, like, you can't do anything about even that. You've gotta let it go. Like, you just have to. Because as she pointed out, it's not sexy. It does not, like, make the other person feel good to be around somebody who's letting their own sense of worth be diminished by something that can't be changed. So, yeah, there it is. All right, we've got to be at the end now, guys. Thank you so much for joining us. This is a lot of fun. Please submit more questions. We do collect them from all across social. When you ask me a big question on social though, do know that I will just say, hey, come during a live and I will answer it so I can give it the robust answer it deserves. But yeah, feel free to hit me up across there. Almost made a mistake.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Ha ha.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You can't trick me. All right, guys, this is, you know, exactly what I was about to say. If you guys, if this is adding value to your life, please be sure to share it. And if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. It is a weekly show and until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Bye everybody.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to Stitcher rate and review us. That helps us build this community and that is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. Alright, guys, thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.