How to Not Feel Like An Idiot When You Mess Up | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu

Summary

Impact Theory Podcast: How to Not Feel Like An Idiot When You Mess Up | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu

Date: October 5, 2023
Hosts: Tom & Lisa Bilyeu

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Episode Overview

In this candid episode of Relationship Theory (a segment of the Impact Theory Podcast), Tom and Lisa Bilyeu dive into the emotional turmoil caused by personal missteps and relational betrayals. The focus: How to avoid feeling like an "idiot" when things go wrong—be it through your own mistakes, being hurt by others, or simply messy human interactions. By answering listener questions and reflecting on their own relationship dynamics, they explore themes of ownership, emotional regulation, communication, and how to heal and grow after setbacks.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Feeling Lonely: Alone vs Together (02:11 – 04:08)

• Kicking off: Lisa asks, "Would you rather be alone and feel lonely, or be in a relationship and feel lonely?"
  • Both agree: They’d prefer being alone and lonely, rather than trapped in an unsatisfying relationship.
• Tom’s personal fear:

  "My youth was haunted by the notion of being in a loveless marriage. Like that used to really freak me out." (03:05 – Tom Bilyeu)

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2. Dealing with Betrayal & Self-Blame (05:03 – 13:29)

• Listener question: Yusuf Ali shares about obsessive negative thoughts after being cheated on, feeling like an "idiot."
• Tom’s Practical Strategy:
  1. Train yourself to replace obsessive, negative thoughts with positive ones—especially gratitude.
  2. Recognize the evolutionary purpose of negative rumination but limit yourself to what’s actually constructive.

     "You have got to train yourself to do and believe that which moves you towards your goals…there’s nothing left but to let it go." (05:03 – Tom Bilyeu)

  3. Allow yourself a moment (maybe 20%) to acknowledge responsibility, but don’t obsess.
  4. Own it, then redirect.
• Lisa on Ownership vs Self-Destruction:
  Find the balance between acknowledging your part and not beating yourself up.
• Emotion vs Logic – Handling Emotional Fallout:
  Lisa discusses needing time for her feelings to settle rather than just “thinking” her way out (12:32).

  "If I ignore the emotion, I actually don’t feel like it serves me...I need to turn the temperature down instead of putting the lid on." (13:16 – Lisa Bilyeu)

Notable Moment:

Tom explains his “physical hack” for regulating emotions by "downshifting" his mental state and breathing deeply, literally pushing emotions downward and out when triggered. (14:22 – 16:43)

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3. Mechanics of Arguments & Micro-Expressions (17:17 – 21:44)

• Communication breakdowns:
  Lisa recounts a recent misunderstanding triggered by Tom’s tone (while whitening his teeth), highlighting how non-verbal cues (quiet voice, tense jaw) shaped her perception.
• Solution:
  She introspects, checks assumptions, trusts Tom’s honesty, and considers her own triggers instead of escalating or making accusations.
• Takeaway:
  Small communication tweaks and self-inquiry can avert major unnecessary conflicts.

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4. Extreme Ownership vs Accountability in Relationships (22:04 – 25:51)

• Listener question from Corinne Davis:
  How do you balance taking responsibility with holding partners accountable?
• Tom’s answer:
  • True extreme ownership means examining your role in every situation, but also recognizing your partner must do the same.
  • Healthy relationships require both parties to adapt, learn, and improve rather than just assign blame.

  “It’s really assessing the reality of the situation ... so rather than... you own it. And the ownership shows up in you walking through all of the different things.” (24:35 – Tom Bilyeu)

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5. Trust, Privacy & Checking Each Other’s Phones (28:18 – 33:14)

• Lisa’s stance:
  If you feel compelled to check your partner’s phone, the trust issue is already present—regardless of what you do or don’t find.
  • Self-inquiry: Ask: Is this my insecurity or has my partner actually given me reason to worry?
• Tom's addition:
  If your partner is acting shady, communicate how it makes you feel instead of escalating into secrecy and suspicion.

  “Have the honest conversation. Say what you’re honestly feeling. Don’t over-invest in your own feelings, but express where you actually are.” (30:45 – Tom Bilyeu)

• On emotional states (periods, hormones, alcohol):
  • Discusses how being hormonal or drunk isn’t an excuse for hurtful actions—emotional awareness and accountability are still crucial.

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6. Expressing Feelings in Cultures that Suppress Emotion (38:38 – 43:54)

• Listener question from Electric Love:
  How do you express yourself if your culture discourages open emotion?
• Tom’s advice:
  • Announce your intentions for change (“I’m trying a new experiment”), calmly share your feelings, and own your insecurities while inviting your partner to help.
  • Give your partner grace to adjust to your new openness; change is hard for both.
• Shared personal stories:
  Lisa and Tom reflect on early misunderstandings due to British/American cultural differences, particularly about cohabitation and finances—emphasizing open communication and patience.

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7. Navigating Pressure and Honesty About Readiness (45:32 – 50:35)

• Question: What to do if pressured to move in before you’re ready?
• Tom:
  • Be brutally honest about your needs and boundaries; people treat you how you let them (46:02).

  "People treat you exactly the way you let them treat you." (46:22 – Tom Bilyeu)

• Lisa:
  • Don’t feel guilty about not being ready. It’s better to communicate honestly, even if it disappoints your partner temporarily.

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8. Why Relationships Take Work (50:36 – 59:02)

• Listener prompt: Why do people expect relationships not to be work?
• Lisa:
  • Just as you work at parenting, business, and personal goals, relationships thrive on consistent effort and adaptation.

  "You are going to be changing. You’re not going to be the same person...when people say you’re not the same person that they married, it’s like, of course you’re not." (52:45 – Lisa Bilyeu)

• Tom:
  • The joy is in the investment; a stable relationship is the foundation for risk-taking and growth.

  “We have an insanely rock stable relationship...the people who take the biggest risks in life...are the ones that have the most stable home life.” (54:32 – Tom Bilyeu)

• Both recount:
  The beauty is in daily, sustained effort and small acts of connection—like dancing together in the kitchen, not in grand gestures or material gifts.

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9. Concluding Insights and Call to Action (59:02 – 61:36)

• Lisa:
  Cherish simple, meaningful acts over material displays.

  "Do something out of the ordinary today...something unexpected but sweet and meaningful." (61:09 – Lisa Bilyeu)

• Tom:
  It’s the daily investments—emotionally and practically—that build and sustain an extraordinary relationship.

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Memorable Quotes & Timestamps

• Tom:

  "You have got to train yourself to do and believe that which moves you towards your goals...there’s nothing left but to let it go." (05:03)

• Lisa:

  "If I ignore the emotion, I actually don’t feel like it serves me...I need to turn the temperature down instead of putting the lid on." (13:16)

• Tom:

  "People treat you exactly the way you let them treat you." (46:22)

• Lisa:

  "You are going to be changing. You’re not going to be the same person...when people say you’re not the same person that they married, it’s like, of course you’re not." (52:45)

• Tom:

  "We have an insanely rock stable relationship...the people who take the biggest risks in life...are the ones that have the most stable home life." (54:32)

• Lisa:

  "Do something out of the ordinary today...something unexpected but sweet and meaningful." (61:09)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Alone vs together and loneliness: 02:11 – 04:08
• Dealing with breakup, betrayal, self-blame: 05:03 – 13:29
• Physical/mental strategies for emotional regulation: 14:22 – 16:43
• Micro-expressions & miscommunication in relationships: 17:17 – 21:44
• Extreme ownership vs holding others accountable: 22:04 – 25:51
• Trust/privacy and checking each other’s phones: 28:18 – 33:14
• Expressing feelings across cultures: 38:38 – 43:54
• Being pressured to move in or escalate commitment: 45:32 – 50:35
• Why relationships take work: 50:36 – 59:02
• The power of small acts (dancing in the kitchen): 59:02 – 61:36

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Tone & Takeaways

Tom and Lisa’s dynamic is both intimate and pragmatic. They’re unflinchingly honest, sometimes playful, but always oriented toward providing actionable advice grounded in real experiences. The episode encourages listeners to:

• Take responsibility without self-destruction.
• Communicate with honesty and empathy.
• Embrace the “work” of relationships with joy and intention.
• Recognize that healing and growth take daily effort, not perfect execution.

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Final Call

Lisa:

"Do something out of the ordinary today...something unexpected but sweet and meaningful." (61:09)

Tom:

"It’s the daily investments—emotionally and practically—that build and sustain an extraordinary relationship."

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This episode is a treasure trove for anyone navigating the messy side of relationships, healing from setbacks, or wanting to build more resilient, connected partnerships.

Transcript

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[Tom Bilyeu]

You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory. What is up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of Relationship Theory. And welcome to the new set, which feels really, really cozy. Although I want to, like, sit cross legged. This chair is so deep.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It is deep. I know. I wasn't sure. Do I put my feet up?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, like, that's the one thing. It is hella comfortable, though. I will give it that. This is absolutely amazing.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And that's the one thing about our other set. Like, it just didn't feel intimate. And it's like, you know, obviously we're talking about relationships and it's something that's super intimate and personal. And so we had this new set built not just for the show, for multiple shows, but. Yeah. So we kind of threw this together this morning.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes. Well, here we are. I actually didn't know we were going to be filming here, so I'm super excited.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, so should we just dig into the first question?

[Tom Bilyeu]

I think we should.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right. So in fact, I have a question for the people at home. Let's start there. So the question is, would you rather be alone and feel lonely or be in a relationship and feel lonely?

[Tom Bilyeu]

It's a great question.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

What's your answer?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Be alone and feel lonely. Because being in a relationship and feeling only like it was almost like, okay, there's something Wrong in this relationships and I have to deal with this as well. Whereas if I'm. If I feel lonely as a person, I think that being. I should focus on that and focus on why do I feel lonely? What is it that I'm not satisfied with? So, yeah, what about you?

[Tom Bilyeu]

So for me that is. And you already know this, which I think is what you were about to say for me definitively. I would rather be alone and feel lonely. I don't know why, but my youth was haunted by the notion of being in a loveless marriage. Like that used to really freak me out.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And what's interesting is you had that feeling before your parents divorce.

[Tom Bilyeu]

100%.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Because my parents divorced when I was young. So I think that that obviously did impact me.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right? Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But what made you.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I don't know. I don't know if it was movies. I literally, I have no idea. But like that idea of where you're sharing such an intimate space with somebody and you're making all the compromises and all that stuff to go along with the relationship and not like being on fire for that person was just terrifying. And maybe it probably because it's not like I was nine and I was having this dream. I mean this is like in high school. So I'm gonna guess that I was in, you know, the relationships that I was in. I never fell in love, but I'd been in relationships before. I think my longest sort of relationship we're going to call that in high school was like eight or nine months. So it was like being in that. But you're not really that into that person. And I don't know, just it. It planted a seed deep inside my subconscious and I used to have a recurring dream about it. So. Yeah, that terrifies me. I have no interest in that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right. Yeah, no, and you? I knew your answer, but yeah, nice to hear the reasons. Alright, so let's dig in and grab the first question. Actually had it ready. So people at home, if you have any questions, please submit and we'll answer them live. And here's our first question from Facebook from last week. This from Yusuf Ali. Hi, Tom and Lisa. I've recently been through a breakup where my girlfriend of one year has been cheating on me from the start. Tom answered my question earlier about moving on. I've taken full responsibility for the breakup, but what keeps me up at night are the incessant thoughts about all the times she lied to me. All the memories keep coming back and I can't help but feel like a complete idiot. I don't know how to heal myself after this because I felt the betrayal extremely viscerally.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. So to me there, you have got to train yourself to do and believe that which moves you towards your goals. I mean, just like simple as, period. And I'm not saying that because I think it's easy. I'm saying it because it is that simple. And you really. There's nothing left to do other than let it go. And that means when the obsessive thoughts start. So, yeah, I'm going to walk you through the mechanics. Right. Because when you tell people to let it go, it's like they're just immediately going to assume I don't get it. And you know, like, you don't understand how often these thoughts occur to me, like I am the same weight. The reason that I have these strategies is because like anybody else, I am prone to obsessing over the negative shit. Obsessing. And to combat that, I've had to train myself to use that trigger of the obsessive thought over the negative thing which then creates that like, visceral, to use his word, chemical reaction that you feel. And you just feel like such an ass. And so you've got to, as soon as you feel that beginning of the trigger, the getting into that thought, you need to stop, stop it and you need to change it to something else, like whatever, it's going to be gratitude. So let's say every time I think about, you know, the betrayal, I'm gonna think about either, like depending on what it is that it makes him feel about himself, being blind, being foolish, whatever. I'm gonna think of all the people in my life that I'm grateful for, that I've done the exact opposite, that I've had the exact opposite effect on, that maybe I've touched their life positively or they've touched mine positively. Like whatever it is that is that deep, dark hole, I'm going to use that to trigger that thought. And I'm going to obsessively think about the positive things. And yes, in the beginning it is going to feel completely unnatural. It's going to feel completely forced. You're going to feel like you're faking the funk. You're going to feel like you should be focusing on the negative thing, that you should be thinking about what an idiot you were. Because that's the only way that I'm going to be punished. Because people definitively think they need to be punished for things. So in his mind, it's the only way that I'm Going to be rightfully punished for what a fool I was. It's the only way that I'm going to make sure that I avoid this in the future. And a little bit of that is true, but a lot of that becomes a problem. And this is like, it is exactly like lying. For anybody out there that uses lying as a strategy, let me tell you right now, you get away with it 50% of the time, and that's why people keep doing it. But 50% of the time, you are cementing your reputation of being a liar. So just don't lie. And it's gonna put you in shitty situations a million times. But better that than to have the reputation of being the person that lies so with yourself. Like, I get it, there is some percentage, I'm gonna say it's 20, 20% of your mental energy should be, you did screw up and you didn't see things coming and it was a mistake and you were an idiot. But now obsessively thinking about that doesn't help you. So it's like you've acknowledged it and now you have to move on.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Why do you think people get embarrassed? Like, I think a big part of it is, like, they cheated on me. Now I'm embarrassed. Like, and that's why they feel like an idiot. And they don't really want to talk to talk to people. Like, why do you think people close in instead of doing the positive thing that you do?

[Tom Bilyeu]

I mean, this is, this is a survival mechanism mental thing that happens where your mind is way better obsessively thinking about the things that went wrong to make sure that you don't put yourself in that position. Position again. So think about it from an evolutionary standpoint. You're. You're better off. Like, I really had to think about that. You're better off from a resource allocation perspective. So this is, from an evolutionary standpoint. You're better off from a resource allocation perspective not raising somebody else's child. So that's why, like, when a lion comes in, if it, you know, defeats the alpha male in the. What are they called? Pride, if they defeat the alpha male in the pride, they'll kill its cubs. So. Because they're just way better off not raising those cubs and then impregnating the woman anew and then she has more of her cubs from that male. Yeah. So just like, it doesn't make sense from a resource allocation perspective to be in question. So there's all this mental, like, routines, algorithms running in the human mind to make sure that you're not put in that position. Which is, wow, man, we're getting into some really weird territory. So if you take a guy and he's been away from his mate. God, if you have kids in the room, like, send them out.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, just be. Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So they will have. There's more semen in their ejaculate when they've been away, and there's more if they see her around other men. Like, this shit is so hardwired in you. It's like. It's crazy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You say been away, like, even if

[Tom Bilyeu]

they've taken care of themselves, I can't speak to that. And I doubt that the study accounted for that. But, yes, I will assume that that doesn't make much of a difference.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Really.

[Tom Bilyeu]

People may not know what you mean

[Lisa Bilyeu]

by that, but, yes, men take care of themselves. Women do too, in fact. I shouldn't have said men. Yes. So, yes, that's interesting, because that's the one thing. In fact, I. I had someone actually direct message me the other day saying that they keep allowing this, their boyfriend, to hurt them. So they leave, they argue, he leaves. Okay, I'm done. She finally gets over it. And then he comes back, she takes him back. And the. The question was, I feel like such an idiot. Like, I've taken him back now the second time, and he's hurt me again. And I can't help but feel like. Like struggle, stupid, embarrassed, ashamed. What did I do? And there's that fine line between what we say is like, take ownership, right? Because if you own it, you can change it. But then taking ownership and not beating yourself up to the point where now you just feel like you've broken yourself down instead of you're building yourself up. What do you think about that?

[Tom Bilyeu]

People have got to get good at that. There's just no two ways about the fact that you have to know when to reward and when to punish yourself. And once you understand that, your mental machinations are always going to lean towards negative punish. Beat up, all of that because it's keeping you safe, because you're actually better off not extending yourself in a world where being ostracized means certain death, which is what your mind developed around, then you actually are better off staying safe, being small, living a small life, not trying to put yourself at the center. It's like, hey, you tried to be the alpha, but, sorry, it just didn't work out for you. Like, you're better receding to a beta position to not try to, like, really put yourself out front.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's just like A safety mechanism. So that's what your brain is wired for. Once you understand that, though, and in a modern context, it doesn't make any sense. It does not serve you beyond some small percentage. Then you just. And God, I don't like. Do you know what I mean when I say this? Like, in acknowledging that it doesn't serve me, it allows me to let go of it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, 100%. But with you, you can put your mind into that space and do it immediately for me, I then, whoa, not immediately. Hang on. You've trained yourself for years. Yes. Okay, you've trained. I'm not saying it comes naturally. You've trained yourself, but now you can, right? You can go off like, just, okay, this is what serves me. This is what doesn't go towards this for me, where I'm still in training is I know mentally, this is what I should do, right? This doesn't serve me. So.

[Grainger Hospital Procurement Announcer]

And I.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Could I tell myself that this doesn't serve you. This doesn't move you towards your goals. But in that same moment, my emotions and my heart, like, my heart is still broken and my emotions are still high. So I have to step back and go, yes, this isn't serving me. But I don't know how to. The chemistry and the chemicals in my body are still feeling this. And if I ignore the emotion, I actually don't feel like it serves me. Like, if I push the emotion down, right? If I try and squish it, for me, it's like it just then bubbles back up. It's like putting a lid on a boiling pot. It's still boiling, so eventually the lid just comes off. So what I have to do is I have to go, okay, I need to turn the temperature down instead of putting the lid on. So I will try and do things to change my emotional being, to change my chemical imbalance that I'm feeling. And then I can address the. This doesn't serve me. What's that next step?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Such a great analogy. And I'm horrified because at some point, like, putting the lid on, it is. Is perfect on the one hand, right? Don't. Analogy. Don't put the lid on. I don't put the lid on. What I do is immediately take it off the hot burner. So it's like, okay, I either I catch it as I feel it heating up and I downgrade it. Oh. So I have this feeling and I use the right words and I don't think it makes any sense to anybody. And this is what I do when I can feel it like building up. I shift down. So you used to drive. You used to drive a stick shift. So you downshift and.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But you got to take your.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes. So let's not get crazy on, like the mixing metaphors and stuff. Like, I can feel this is gonna derail. So what I do is I literally. It is a downward. I am having a hard time. Bear with me, everybody, because if I can get this out, it may really help some people. So here's what I do. The solar plexus is the. What they call the soul of the warrior. Now, the reason I believe they say that. Or the center of your chin, she. Which I don't understand. So I'm literally on that one. I'm repeating words. What I do understand, however, if you want to switch out of the sympathetic nervous system, which is fight or flight, the anger, the aggression, all of that into the parasympathetic nervous system, where you feel calm and at ease, it's all about breathing from your diaphragm. So what I'm doing is I push the emotion down. I don't know why it feels like that, but that is exactly. I feel it moves down in my body. I know how weird this sounds, but this is exactly what I do. I push it down in my body to where it hits my diaphragm. And as I breathe out, it's gone. That's what I do. So that's the. Instead of being a metaphor off the. But I want to give people the mechanism, like, what to actually do. The only part I don't fully understand is that sense of I'm pushing the emotion down and out. The out I get. Because you're breathing from the diaphragm. And that just from a mechanistic standpoint, triggers the parasympathetic nervous system. So. But why? And I. Do you want to know where I practice this? In fact, you tell me, woman. Where do I practice this? You know the answer? No. What? No. I practice this. We're playing Destiny.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh.

[Tom Bilyeu]

To where it's like everything's heightened. It's going crazy. And I do that diaphragm breath. I push it down, it goes out, I relax. So just to bring that back around, like to get control of my emotions, that is precisely what I do. It is so mechanistic. And that's why it works. And that's why I'm like, this isn't woo woo. This is like straight up. There are things you can do physiologically. We can talk about what you wanted to talk about this morning, because now I have an into why it makes sense to talk about. Okay, so I was whitening my teeth this morning, and you had asked me a question, but it forces me to close my mouth and it's like.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And your voice as well.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, well, that's a whole nother thing. But yes, I'm also. Because I do a lot of content, and so I'm talking a lot, which is actually damaging my voice. And so I'm having to do this whole thing with doctors to try and figure out, like, what the hell is going on. So I have to relax my voice. So I tend to do that in the morning. So I'm whitening my teeth, which means my lips are closed and I can't talk loud. Anyway, you ask me a question, I give you an answer. You think I'm frustrated, but really I'm not. But the weird thing is that in keeping my mouth closed, in talking really quiet, I can't get in a good mood.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, because you can't go into your emotion if you're excited.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Going back to what made me start this, the mechanistic, the physicality of. If you're feeling down, laugh out loud. It will change your mood definitively. It is super weird. People with Botox have a hard time empathizing. It's like this whole secondary side effect because they can't make the facial expressions. It's crazy. So, yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And that actually, like, going to this one kind of trick and tip that we learned this morning, I feel like. So it was something we were discussing, something that sometimes it's. I get a little sensitive over. And it was basically my digestive system and my health and what do I do next and what are the next steps? I'm always asking your advice, but sometimes. Sometimes I don't take it. And so we've had this, like, why do you ask if you're not going to take it? And we've had this discussion many times. And then this morning, it's okay. Well, instead of just us having that same kind of, why aren't you taking my advice? But I'm asking for it. I'd asked you some questions, and I thought, okay, really listen and really understand what he's saying. So that. Because I so trust you. So, you know, we had this whole discussion, we went into it, and I was like, he seems, like, super annoyed. And so I got upset this morning because I thought you were annoyed with me for asking the questions. And you were like, why are you being so sensitive? And so what I did is I literally stepped back from that discussion, got in the shower, took some deep breaths, and I was like, okay, I know him well enough. He's not going to lie if he's really not frustrated, he's not. So he said he wasn't frustrated. He said he wasn't annoyed, but yet I still interpreted it. So I trust that you're honest with me. Right? Tip number one, I trust that you're honest. So when you said you weren't frustrated, I took it at face value. I didn't second guess it. So if you weren't frustrated, why did I interpret it like that? So I thought, what's going on with me that is now allowing me to input data in the wrong way? So I went through our discussion in my head, and I thought. I really was trying to understand the situation, and I thought it's an. It's a sensitive subject for me because I'm really, really battling with my health. So anytime there's an, oh, I'm doing something wrong, I get a little defensive. And so I know that about myself. So I thought, okay, you'll get in defensive. But I didn't feel defensive in that conversation. And then I thought, well, he can't speak loud. And so when someone's. When someone's talking like this and they're trying to give you empowering advice, but they're talking like this, it doesn't. It doesn't come across like you're. You're like, yeah, baby, we're gonna do this together. It's. This is what you should do. You need to make sure that your fat is high. And so it just feels very instructional.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I think. I'm not that bad. I'm quiet.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You're quiet. But.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And it is definitely, like, compared to how I talk now, it's crazy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So I thought, okay, the way he's saying it doesn't. I don't feel like he's, like, on board with me. Like, all right, this is what we should do. So that was number one. And then number two, you were whitening your teeth, so your jaw was right like this. So your jaw's tight. Your mouth doesn't open much.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Making me sound like Kanye here. It wasn't quite. And so, A, it wasn't quite that crazy, but B, I thought you really got to it fast to, like, in real time. You were chilling yourself out. It was pretty.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Because of the. The Captivate book. So literally, it's like you get micro expressions, right? So if, you know, if you've been with your partner for a long time, I'm sure all of you guys can relate to this. When you've been with someone for so long and they give you a look, they don't say anything. Literally one look. The way your posture is, the way your eyes looked at me, was it darted? Was it, like, gentle? And did they open right? Those micro expressions other people pick up on. And so I was picking up on all these things that were giving me this signal that you were frustrated, but you weren't. So, man, I know that was a long story, but it was such a powerful lesson because we didn't argue. I didn't go like, no, like, you did this and you're saying, but like, you asked me for your advice. Like, we really avoided an entire issue that five years ago, we would have definitely have gone head to head on that. But there were, like, these little steps that we took that we didn't get there. It was, I took your advice or, sorry, I took your. Your feedback for what it was. So when you said you weren't frustrated, I trusted that. And then I said, okay, but why did I still get this interpretation? And then I just broke it down. And so, yeah, I thought that was such a, like, breakthrough for at least me to kind of come to, like, put all those steps together. So, yeah, I know that was a bit of a long story, but it was.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But that's. All right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, so we've got tons of questions. This question. All right, let's just dive in. This is from YouTube. This comes from Corinne Davis. Hey, Tom. And Lisa. How do you reconcile extreme ownership in a relationship with holding somebody accountable for their behaviors?

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[Tom Bilyeu]

You want me to go? This. This is advanced class stuff, for sure. At the end of the day, you always need to be looking at, what did I do? To put myself in this situation. But you also need to be able to hold the competing idea in your head that the other person needs to be doing exactly the same thing. And so it becomes a dance where if it's really two people, like, you and I both are asking, okay, how did I end up here? And so we don't spend a lot of time. I won't say that we're perfect, but we don't spend a lot of time, like, going, you did this, you did that. It's always about, okay, I wish I had come to it like this. Like, even today, when you were retelling the story, the reason I kept interrupting you is you were so quick. Like, the way that you were painting the story did not give you nearly enough credit for how rapidly, in fact, that. And you're saying it was a big breakthrough for you, and that really felt in real time to be true. Because you were so quick to be like, okay, maybe there's something else going on here. And I could feel you digesting and in real time, really adjusting. So you were looking at how, you know, what am I bringing to the table? But at the same time, you were looking at, okay, the teeth whitening, the not being able to talk white. So you weren't just saying, oh, my God, I've done something. It's all me. It's. You own it. And the ownership shows up in you walking through, like, all of the different things. So rather than. And so some of those things were you, some of those things were me. So the ownership isn't just like, I've done a bunch of things wrong and nobody else has done anything that would be a trigger or whatever. It's really assessing the reality of the situation. And so getting out of your own way, not letting your emotions run away with you, all of that. You may ultimately work through the situation. Like, if I were with somebody that had a fixed mindset, like, you can go through the whole process, but in a relationship, the final thing is going to be, oh, and they aren't interested in getting better, and they're defensive, and, like, those are real things. So you've got to be able to work your way down to that and then not stay there and go, oh, yeah, they just had a fixed mindset. So let's say that that relationship imploded. I'm going to honestly assess, hey, they had a Fixed mindset, but then I'm going to go. And I wasn't able to get them out of it. And I chose somebody that didn't have a fixed mindset. And so those were things that I don't want to make those same choices again in the future. And so I'm going to adjust accordingly. So where it becomes a problem is when people stop at the recognition of the truth, which is the other person did something that wasn't useful in the relationship, maybe became like the final thing that they just couldn't work past. Now, in the example where the relationship terminates, if you stop there, you haven't taken ownership of what you could have done to either select differently to help them pass that, whatever the case. Case may be.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Wow, that's really good. That's really good answer. Don't have anything to add, really. All right, so move on. All right, so next question. This is From Terrica on YouTube. Tom and Lisa, what is your opinion about looking at each other's texts, emails, or personal information? I want to answer this, and the reason why I want to answer it is because I think stories traditionally, and maybe it's because I'm female. So I hear it from the women. They go through their men's phones. Oh, I didn't trust him. He was getting, you know, like, secret texts and blah, blah, blah. And so I hear it a lot from women. For me, I always said to myself, if I've ever gotten to the point, ever gone to the point where I feel the need to check your texts because I don't trust you, something's wrong with the relationship. Right. So it doesn't matter what I find. It doesn't matter if there's nothing there or it doesn't matter if there is something there, because the problem lies where I have to check it in the first place, which means that I don't trust you. So then I go, why don't I trust him? And that, to me, is the biggest issue. In fact, the other day you were texting somebody and we were talking about something. You picked up your phone and you went to text, and I literally was like, oh, what are you doing? Who are you texting? And I was purely nosy because we just discussed like a trip or something. And so I thought maybe you were texting because of that. So I literally text checked it because I was nosy on, like, if that's what you were talking about. And so I don't feel any. I don't ask you, can I. Hey, can I check it? I. Or I don't ask you, do you mind if I pee? Like, I just look, because I've got my own reasons and why I want to do it and why I need to do it. And that's because we were talking about a trip and I was like, oh, is it about the trip? But if I'm doing it because I don't trust you because it's about a female or because it's something that I think that you're doing behind my back, again, like, I wouldn't even bother checking it to prove whether I'm right or wrong because that doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. What matters to me is why don't I trust you? What are you doing that makes me feel like I don't trust you? And what am I doing? Why am I paranoid about it? Right? Is it something that you're doing or is it insecurity that I have? Because I think that's important too, right? Is there actual reality to the, the questioning or is it something that. Because I'm. I've got low self esteem and is it, you know, I'm not feeling well and because of my sickness and my hormones are over the place, is that now dictating how I'm perceiving things? So, yeah, it's not about whether you are or you're not. It's about why I'm checking in the first place.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Church. Church.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Anything to add?

[Tom Bilyeu]

The only thing is ranty along those lines. So I think that, you know, you really covered it if in fact I'll go a slightly different direction. So I see how this escalates quickly in people. I see how you don't give me reason to be paranoid. And so I sit here with the confidence of not being paranoid because you don't act in a way that makes me paranoid. So if you, like if I went to look at your phone like you were just doing in that example and you like pulled it away and were acting really shady, I'd be like, that's super weird now. We would, because we have talked about this and we have so many rules of engagement. Like I would just ask you, like, that's super weird. And by the way, if you're doing it because like there's some surprise or something that you're doing around Christmas or whatever, okay. The truth is I would just assume you were doing it for reasons of Christmas or something like that, because all

[Lisa Bilyeu]

years in like it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So I would actually back off, like extra hard. But if I were in a place where, you know, something had happened in the past. And so I would just say, hey, you're acting in a way that like, makes me uneasy. And so I don't need to see your phone or anything like that. Don't worry about it. Because you'd then be defensive, of course, and want to show me just to prove it. I don't need to see it. I totally get it. I'm merely. I'm letting you know how it makes me feel. I'm not saying that I should feel this way or that there's anything going on, but I want you to know how it makes me feel. So if it's a lovely, beautiful surprise or something like that, it's actually not worth it to me to get the unease that I get from you, like trying to hide something or whatever. So if you can recognize that the thing that I value more than a surprise or anything like that is just that sense of security and knowing that I'm emotionally safe. So you know what I mean? Like, that's obviously for us anyway, make believe scenario. But it's like I get how people could end up there really, really fast. And this is, this is why I don't know if we would have to reinvent the romantic comedy to do a romantic comedy. Because 999 out of a thousand romantic comedies are all about people not just saying the most obvious thing to say, which is, hey, when you like hid your phone or you closed your laptop really fast, that made me really uneasy. I don't need to look at it, you know, just. And then roll credits. Right. Because the movie's over. Because the two people can communicate like adults and it's fine. But it. All of them end up being this whole much ado about nothing.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So yeah, just have the honest conversation. Say what you're honestly feeling. Don't over invest in your own feelings, but express where you actually are. Express.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And what if I had lied? And then would that make a difference on whether you'd want to check my taxes?

[Tom Bilyeu]

No. And this really does go back to what you were saying about the. The damage to the relationship is already done. So the fact that I feel so uneasy that I need to check your text message, like that's a non issue. So it's like, let's address the fact that I'm there. I'm in that uneasy place. You're not making me feel secure. We either agree that the absolute reason for being in a relationship is to feel better about yourself when you're around the other person than you do when you're Not. And so, hey, right now, like, the very reason that we're together is not being met. And if that isn't taken with like the utmost sincerity and like desire to help, like, now you want to talk yourself extreme ownership. If you came to me over something and I thought patently you were just being crazy and I thought, oh my God, like she's really just being emotional about this on that one. It's like you get a pass for whatever reason you're feeling like that. It absolutely does not matter. I am not delivering on the most core thing, the very reason to be in a relationship. So I would just be like, okay, the circumstances are what the circumstances are, are whether that's. You've come off the pill and so your hormones are everywhere. Like, it doesn't matter. Like, I would just ask the point blank question, help me, because I want to understand what I. What behaviors do you need? How do I need to externalize what I'm feeling inside so that you can feel that and just literally help me and walk me through that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, it's funny, I feel like you're my barometer when you were saying about, like, if I'm feeling emotional, like, it doesn't matter, but you would need to address it because there's like a look you give and you don't even say anything because you're very sweet. Because look, if, if a woman or even I'll speak for myself, if I'm being overly emotional, I don't want to stay there. Like, I don't want to succumb to those emotions. To me, it's not okay to then fly off the handle to treat someone badly because you're emotional, because it's the time of the month, like, there's no excuse. And that actually winds me up when I hear women go, oh, yeah, but I was on my period. It's like, that's not a reason I to treat other people.

[Tom Bilyeu]

How about I was drunk?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That's just as bad.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's what I'm saying. Like, that's the one you hear all the time, right?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, but look, I think you choose to pick up a bottle of beer or alcohol. You don't choose to all of a sudden be hormonal.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Like, so it's even worse.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It's even worse. Yeah, because you're not choosing it. There's no expect. You don't, don't expect it. It's not like, okay, once I sip, like I'm going to act this way. It's one day you just feel the way you feel and you're not telling yourself necessarily. Imbalanced. My chemicals are changing. Like, you don't. It's not as easily recognizable, at least for me, as that. Unless, of course, you've got the pains, but that's a different thing. And so you literally are my bro. Going back to. Yes. It's no excuse to treat other people badly just because you're feeling like that. I think it's important to recognize when you are having an emotional imbalance or a chemical imbalance and then doing the steps to put. Put yourself back on track. And most of the time, like, I don't want to be around you as I'm trying to do those steps, because it's not fair on you. But sometimes I may act a certain way, and you are my barometer. Like, literally, you give me this look, and sometimes you won't say anything because, you know in those moments, the last thing I want you to do or say is, like, look, you're being really emotional. Your hormones are all over the place. That doesn't help. But you give me this look. And when you give me that look, I go to myself, oh, okay. Like, he's get. I know you, and I know how much you love me and how much you want to see me succeed. So when you do that look, it's the micro expression. I don't even know if you realize you do it. Yeah, I know. And I couldn't even mimic it. It's like, so, like. I don't know. It's like. It's almost just like, a little widening of the eyes. Like. Oh. Like the little. Like. So, anyway, so you do this look, and that is my barometer. And the second I see that, it triggers me to go, are you hormonal, Lisa? Because he just gave you that look right now. You're very upset. Okay, Are you upset because of the emotion, the chemicals that you're going through? So, anyway, it really does help me to have you to kind of bounce off and, like, kind of.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And here's one thing that I'll say to that. And this goes both ways, whether it's me acting crazy town or you acting crazy to town. Like, you've got to let the other person go way into the red. Like, they've got to be so deep into crazy town that, like, okay, yeah, we're like, no one's gonna argue that we're now spilling over into, like, crazy time. So it's never on the first sign. It's never on the second. It's not even the third. It's like, we're way deep into something before you pull that. And I think that's why you actually check yourself, because, you know, I'm never going to be abusive with it. It's like, promise, right? If it's. Or what am I thinking of right now? Sort of promise. But that's from the other side. I'm legit blanking on. Important. Important. Jesus, I'm having a stroke. Like, if you say everything's important, then it's like it's just being abused, right? So now it doesn't carry any weight. So for it to carry weight, it's got to be something where the other person never abuses it, Right?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And, yeah, you don't often throw that out to me. So when you. The one thing is always difficult. I'm just gonna say it is when I'm feeling, like, emotional in those moments, and you go, like, time of the month. You know, you're trying to do it super sweetly, but, oh, man, that just, like, it's not the time of the month, right? And that just makes it worse. But we've gotten to the point where you're super sweet. And actually, in fact, this is how you handle. And this is good. If anyone's listening out there and they have somebody who sometimes gets emotional due to the time of the month, like, this is the way he handles it now is literally perfect. You're like, so I may be emotional or upset about something, and you will say to me, what can I do to help right now? Can I listen? Or are you looking for advice? Because those are two very different things. Because when somebody isn't feeling confident in their position, right? Because I think that that's what happens when I feel emotional. I don't feel confident in my position because I just feel like all these thoughts are coming in my head. And when I don't feel confident in that position, it. I've lost my train of thought. The TV behind you is going.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I was like, the boys are, like, going crazy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I know. I totally lost my train of thought. Oh, well, leave me back on track. Oh, you say to me, like, is it. What can I do? Can I listen? Or do you want advice? Because sometimes when you're not feeling very stable and someone gives you advice actually doesn't help. But sometimes just letting it out and saying it then really does help. It gets me to then center myself. So figuring out what the other person is looking for when they're feeling like that I think is so important. It really does help.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I hear that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So. All right, so next question, guys. If you do have. I'm not sure which camera to look at. If you do have any questions, submit them right now and we are answering them live. Okay, so getting on to the next one. This is from Electric Love. Cool. Coming from a culture where feelings are suppressed, ignored with passive aggression, can you shed light on how to express our feelings better? How do you find words to clearly express. Express yourself?

[Tom Bilyeu]

I. I would just caveat everything if. So the person is saying they don't know how to express their feelings, so you're only going to because of their culture.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It's. They've been trained to not.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So I would just say, hey, I'm trying a new experiment. I want to become a better communicator. And so I'm gonna try to walk you through my feelings. And by the way, note how I'm saying it. And I literally mean to say it exactly like I'm saying it now. You need to get outside of the emotion. You can't, like, show that you're, like, freaking out and getting agitated. And I'm gonna try to get better at, like, saying my feelings. And then you, like, go into some crazy tirade. It's gotta be, okay, I'm gonna step outside my emotion. I just want to. And it's all about trying to get to the absolute base level, the physics of the problem, like, what is really bothering me. And because I don't judge myself for the feelings that I'm having, I really try to admit, oh, hey, I'm being super petty right now, but this is exactly how I feel. Or take the phone example, the texting example, I'm going to say, like, hey, I'm. This is totally from a place of insecurity, but I just want you to know the way that makes me feel. And so I. And these. I would say the following. I fully recognize that I need to do the work to get over the insecurity. At the end of the day, I own that. That's on me. Here's what would help me. And then you lay it out for the person now that works for us because we actually want to help each other. I would not stay in a relationship with somebody that didn't actively want to take a role in helping me get better. So if I were with somebody and I was like, hey, like, look, this is where I'm at. And they were like, that's fucking dumb. Or they made fun of me, or they used it against me days later or whatever, dude, walk away. I wouldn't walk away.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like, first mocked you at first. That would be like, for me, it's easier to walk away if you're at

[Tom Bilyeu]

the very beginning of the relationship. I'm saying, let's say you're, you know, you've been a year in and you're now just trying something new. Right. So. So at that point, I'm going to say, this is what I'm trying. They mock me. And, in fact, this is some of the best advice that I have. If you're in that kind of situation and you're switching the rules of engagement, you need to fully understand they're not going to mock you once or twice. It's going to be 3, 4, 5. Like, they've got to get their head around what you're doing, and you've got to believe in it enough to stay the course and to want for their success enough to help them past that early, like, reaction, which is a reaction to change. It's like, they're not going to be outside of that bubble either. So they're going to be used to dealing with things in a certain way. They're going to have a lot of cultural baggage, so they're going to react really weirdly. You've got to be graceful enough to allow them that reaction and to help them past it, to let them know what you need and want. And then, yes, if, like, they clearly don't care about getting better, they think what you're doing is absurd or whatever. Yeah. At some point you've got to say, and I would communicate that, like, hey, I'm gonna keep opening myself up to you a couple more times. If you keep rejecting me, I don't see any other path other than to go a different direction because I'm never going back in my little box.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Yeah. Having that just raw honesty has always served us within our relationship definitively. Yeah. It's true. And the one thing I just want people at home to understand is we've been together for a long time. We've been together for 17 years. And when we first met, there were things just culturally and that were, like, bizarre to me, even offensive. Like, I remember when you said, so we were dating. I came to Los Angeles because we had met, went back to England. I came back for three months to. To work and to stay with you and to get to know you more. And I remember we had been together for maybe three months or something, and we were talking about, like, where I was gonna stay. You wanted me to stay with you, but culture, like, I'm not gonna live with a guy that I've only Known for a couple of months. Like, my dad would kill me. So I'm literally going through all this in my head. And so you would genuinely, I think, offended the fact that I said no because you were like, but we've just said I love you to each other. Like, we spend every moment together. Why won't you come and live with me? And because I was brought up in a. Like, protect yourself. You never know what's gonna happen. I'm so far away from home. My dad obviously had drummed it into me my whole life of, like, being careful when it comes to guys and things like that that I was just explaining to you, look, it's got nothing to do with you. This is not about you and the fact that I don't trust you. It's just that I have a way, like my timeline in my head, and I don't feel comfortable coming all the way to America and just staying with you without a plan B. And so my plan B is my apartment. I'm going to rent it. And even if I'm not there most of the time, it's fine. But we had to get over that because you interpreted it as. That's how I felt about you. And I was just coming from it as like, I just need to protect myself. And then even with money right where you asked, would, like, well, how are you paying for your apartment? I was like, oh, well, my dad's helping. And you're like, oh, how much does your dad give you? I was horrified. I was so horrible. I freaked out, because where I came from, my dad was like, you never talk about money, like, ever. I didn't even know how much my dad earned. My brother got a job. I wasn't allowed to ask him how much he was earning. So it was, like, taboo in the family. Like, it's rude. It's rude to ask people. So when you ask me, it's like, I can't.

[Tom Bilyeu]

How rude is that?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I can't believe you just asked me and I even said, I'm not comfortable telling you. And so, yeah, so basically, the point being is that when you meet people, the early days in your relationship, you're gonna have different cultural backgrounds. You're gonna come at it from different sides. And I think it's important if I could go back now. It's just, like, don't be offended by him asking, Lisa. Just, like, understand that he. He's got a different way of thinking. And you know that you need to accept each other for who they are and how they communicate. So, yeah, I think that's important. All right, we've got some shout outs.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Let's do it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

From YouTube. We've got Mindy Sabiston from. Oh, God, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. Jesus Christ. Hearing you say that's amazing to say that. That was funny. Okay. Yeah, that was pretty funny. So. Hey, Mindy. Mindy, what's up? We've got Scott Padgett from Maryland and Anna Mena in Berlin, Germany. Nice.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I think Anna's checking.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And is our home girl.

[Tom Bilyeu]

What is up in Berlin?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Hello, guys. Thank you for tuning in.

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[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay, next question. Okay, let's have a look. Okay. This is from King Raphael. Recently had a relationship escalate, not in a negative way, but a way of being pushed into moving in with the girlfriend before I was ready. How do you do. How do you deal with being unprepared emotionally and mentally? I'm not sure if that means being prepared for the question or.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. So the only way to truthfully answer this question is to say that I am of the brutal honesty variety. In fact, I just got an email from. So we're working with this. Were negotiating with a comic book artist who I'm absolutely obsessed with. And he wrote me this email and he was like, oh, man. Like, forgive me. Like, this email might be, like, a little too blunt. And I wrote him back and was like, dude, I love blunt. May that forever be a hallmark of our relationship. Like, I'm a brutal honesty kind of guy. I just dig that shit. Nobody has to guess where anybody else is. There's brutal honesty and then there's being a jerk. I'm not being a jerk. I'm not looking for other people to be a jerk to me, but, like, being really frank about what your needs are, where you are, like, what you want. In fact, lean in. Dear listeners, people treat you exactly the way you let them treat you. Say that one more time. People treat you exactly the way you let them treat you. So, in fact, I had. There was a moment this weekend that I was dealing with some passive aggression, and I. I admittedly checked myself a Little bit. Because I was, like, gonna write back, like, what the fuck? And you counseled me, like, to maybe temper that a little bit, but just tell people where you're at. You know, look, I'm really into you or I love you, like, whatever is the true statement. I'm not ready for that. Just like you did with me. It was really. It. It was upsetting to me, but it didn't end the relationship. It was like, let the person go through whatever emotion they're going to go through. That's them, it's not you. Like, you need to be true to who you are. And in fact, we just filmed an episode of Impact Theory with DMC from Run dmc, and he literally, literally lost his voice. Because figuratively, he felt like he had lost his voice. It's fucking crazy how that happens. And he just felt like he couldn't be honest, he couldn't be himself, that he always had to, like, protect other people, that he couldn't just own who he was, what his emotions were, what he wanted. And that caused. I mean, he was suicidal, so it caused, like, so it almost ended his life. So, yeah, you. You know, in. In a very respectful way. You've just got to completely own who you are, where you're at. Don't make apologies for it. Be sweet, say it in a nice way. Try to be understanding, be super empathetic, but don't back off who you are and what you think.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And when you hear this a lot where, you know there's been pressure from one side or another to move in or get married, because I've never really been in that situation, I think this is how I would handle it. Being honest. Like, you may upset her by saying, I'm not ready to move in, but it's better than moving in and not wanting to from. From the opposite side. Right? Like, if I was like, if I'm excited and I love you so much and I want to be with you, like, I don't want to have to temper it. So I would be very honest with you about, like, oh, my God, like, I can't wait till we move in together. It's like, oh, should we get this sofa when we move in together? Right. Like, maybe that's the type of pressure. I don't know where I'm just constant because I'm thinking about it and I'm excited. I'm always talking about it. But I would be so horrified if you said okay or yes, just to shut me up. Because that doesn't set this. The relationship up for success. And I think where the trouble lies is, like, let's say you said, look, I'm just not ready yet. Then do I spiral off into, like, well, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with this relationship? And now I've made it something that it's not? Or is there a way that we can commute? I think the hope is there's a way we communicate. Say, I'm not ready yet. Okay, what is it that you're not ready? Is it from scars from the past where maybe you've moved in with someone and they broke your heart? Is it that you're not ready to talk about finances? Maybe that's something you're not willing to share right now. So, like, how do you deal with, like, the payments and all of that? Or is it the fact that you just don't know? Like, do I want this to continue? Like, is this part. If I move in, does this mean that the next step is marriage? And I'm definitely not ready for marriage? So maybe get her mind off marriage and let's move in together just to keep her mind off marriage. Like, that's another bad strategy that people do, you know? Or they, yeah, can keep going on, but going back to honesty, it's like, look, don't. Don't feel guilty about not being ready. Like, don't feel guilty because that will then lead to doing things that I don't think is healthy for the relationship, like moving in with them. All right, I think we've got time for one more question.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Let's do it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

This question comes from Arjun. Arun, Please talk about the concept of having to work within a relationship. There is a tendency, tendency to think a relationship should be easy without realizing that relationships take a level of actual work. Oh, oh, oh. I literally just did an IG post about this about relationships. So with a business, if you really, really wanted your business to succeed, what are the things you have to do? Work damn hard. Work at it all the time. You can't drop the ball. You have to be consistent, right? If you want to be good at sport, what do you have to do? Work hard, practice, do all the time. Consistency with a. As a parent with your child, what do you have to do? You have to be consistent. You have to be present. You have to. As they grow, right? As they change age from a baby to 5 years old to a teenager, you have to adapt. You have to work to understand them, to build that relationship and make that successful as you change. And I think it's just exactly the same in. In a relationship like mine and yours, you are going to be changing. You're not going to be the same person that you were when we married to where you end up just before you pass away. Like, when people say you're not the same person that they married, it's like, of course you're not. They're not. I'm not the same person. So I think it's important to work on it every single day and take those steps every day as you guys change. Because there are certain things that weren't important to me when we met that are now important to me now. I thought I was going to have children. I don't want children now. So there's all these things that I've changed. I never used to be an entrepreneur. I saw myself as a starving artist and proud of it. And like, all these things, I have adapted. I have changed, I have grown. And so if you were holding me to where I was when we married, like, that would be problematic for me, because now I'd feel like you're stunting my growth. So you have to work on it. You have to be attentive. You have to give time and attention. Attention to it. If you would do that for a business, your kids, your family working out, why wouldn't you do it for. To me, which is the most important thing, My relationship with you, it's so crazy to me. And I actually was at a dinner once where I said, yeah, you have to work on your relationship. And I was with, like, five women. And all women were like, what are you talking about? Like, relationship shouldn't be work. God, if you have to work, it. It's something literally, babe, they all said that to me, and it was like, one by one. And I was like, okay. Like, maybe it's the word work that they perceive as a negative. So maybe there's another word that I can use that still expresses it. But when everybody was, like, freaking out that I said a relationship was work, I was like, it's not a negative thing. And it was interesting that people perceived that word as a negative thing that you had to work on your relationship. It means that your relationship isn't a good one because you have to work on it. Yeah, in a way, it just. It blows my mind that people see it like that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It's mass insanity.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay? It's.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It's mass insanity. And here's the thing. Like, and I'll say this is dispassionately as possible. If you let me crawl inside their relationship, it's Dysfunctional.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So why do you think people.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Deep and unending level. I mean, you've got probably the biggest part of it, which is that they don't think it should be work because they have negative connotations around it. And as you were describing, like what all these things take. I wanted to say the one commonality of all those things is the beauty, the excitement, the joy. So pouring yourself into. So the way that I think of a job, like I would never take a job where I wasn't excited, where I wasn't like amped to make this come to fruition. And I get it. A lot of people do. And so for them to liken it to where work, it's like crazy. So we work an insane amount of hours. It is, it's literal madness.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

On our business.

[Tom Bilyeu]

On our business. The number of hours that we work is, is, it's pure unadulterated insanity. But I believe in it. What our real mission is. I believe in it. I believe it's important. I believe that I can impact people. I love it. It gives me more energy than it takes away. Like, so it's this self sustaining emotional vehicle. Right. So I bring all of that to the notion of you have to work on your relationship. Yeah. It's exciting. And doing it. I'm learning about me, I'm learning about you. Like putting the energy in. Oh my God. We're communicating better. And you're feeling better about yourself. I'm feeling better about myself. I feel safe, I feel joyous. I'm able to take bigger risks in my life because I have such a strong, like, home base. Like all of the crazy things that we've done since we got together is because we have an insanely rock stable relationship. And I remember, I don't remember when I read this, but I remember, like, how it hit me and I've taken it with me ever since, that the people who take the biggest risks in life and go on the grandest adventures are the ones that have the most stable home life. And I thought, wow, that is so true. Like, you need something that like, you know, I can always return to that. And you, you and I have always said, like, when we've taken huge economic gambles, that a lose it all, worst case scenario, we have each other. And that's always been so insanely comforting to me because it's like, okay, the way that I feel when I spend time with you. Like, okay, maybe I have to downsize the house that I experience that in. But like, I've often thought, let's say that this all blows up. We lose everything. Like, can we still play Destiny 2? Like, you know what I mean? Like, as long as we can get together. Maybe they're smaller TVs. Like, maybe it's a smaller house. But, like, that bond of, you know, competing together and all of that is just so, so, so much fun. And that feeling of safety, that feeling of warmth, like, in fact. Oh, okay, here we are. This is live. Pressure's on. What did I say was my favorite part of this weekend?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, dancing with me in the kitchen.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, like that. And. And now's not the time to go into it. I had a fucking incredible weekend where somebody literally offered me a massive piece of their company. Like, it was. But my favorite part of the weekend was dancing with you in our kitchen. But that. And that was real, by the way. And so, like, just know what your values are. And I think part of it, because I chased success so hard in the beginning only to realize. I see you're getting emotional.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I am.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Like, I chased it so hard than

[Lisa Bilyeu]

when you actually did it for some reason. Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Which is actually really fascinating. And I realized that that didn't bring me happiness and that the only thing that really mattered. And I say this all the time. The game you're playing isn't success. It's not money. It's brain chemistry. And feeling a certain way is really all that matters. And so, like, working on my relationship, the thing that is the most important, that brings me the most joy, and that work in and of itself is enthralling and exciting. Exciting and is about learning and discovering and developing. And like, yeah, I. I literally don't get it. And by the way, I don't think they just get lost in the word. I think most people don't put effort into the relationship. Most people do coast. They think that it should take care of itself. And they don't recognize what happens to brain chemistry over time. And when you were talking about, like, you treat your child differently when they're an infant, when they're five, when they're a teenager, when they're an adult. And it's like, that really hit me is like, yeah, exactly. And a relationship is exactly the same in that first year. It's in its infancy. And while it doesn't mirror an infant child in its neediness or whatever, it is a totally different experience than when it's a 17 year old. It's just totally different. And the amount that it's changed and grown, it's, in my opinion, it's even Better. But it's even better because we've invested so heavily day after day after day, day after day after day. But it's been beautiful and I've loved the process. And that doesn't mean that every moment was, like, awesome. And there were times where we got in huge fights, but the process of learning from that fight so that we don't do it. And can we. We fight less than 10% of what we did in our first year. True or false?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, God, yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Much less. Right. So it's just. But because we actively learned, we put in the rules of engagement, we talk about everything. We learned how to be honest without being, you know, unintentionally mean. It's like you learn all of these things along the way. But if you're thinking like, oh, this is supposed to be effortless, I don't think you're gonna ever invest like that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, very true. And just going back to the dancing in the kitchen thing, like, it really, it hit me then and a lot more now actually, is that it's the small things. Like, it's the small things. What was the occasion? Oh, it was our anniversary. Our 17 year. It's like, I don't want gifts. Like, I don't want presents. I don't want you to go over the top and spend so much money on flowers and this and that. Like, dance with me in the kitchen. Right. Because not putting weight on money or you going and buying me things, because that's all like, external. I've asked you before, like, don't buy me anything, just write me a poem. Or don't buy anything, just write me a note. Because those are memories that literally cannot be replaced. If you ask me what you bought me on our, you know, seven year wedding anniversary or I haven't got a clue, on my birthday, I really don't remember. But I remember the one poem you wrote me with a gift. Like the scroll.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wow.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like, things like that that are so meaningful that I think are really impactful just in as a side note in general. So this weekend, I mean, you know, we have a beautiful house and we can do all sorts of things. We've got a pool table. Although we gave away our pool table, in fact. But we've got table tennis. We've got a lot of things that we can do. But I was in the middle of cooking and you just grabbed me and you started dancing in the kitchen and then you dipped me and you did the little romantic kiss and. Yeah, it was so meaningful. And then the fact that you said it was the most meaningful thing of your weekend. When I knew that you'd gone out and had these crazy, like outlandish. Not outlandish, but crazy day and evening. And then you said that was your most favorite thing. Like that just really got to me and was really special. So the takeaway message for people at home is like, do something out of the ordinary. Today. In fact. Yes, today, right now. Or maybe not right now in case you're at work, but today, when you see your partner do something unexpected but sweet and meaningful.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Something nice and simple.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, super simple and small. Like we happen to have music playing from Alexa. But like, imagine like you play a song from your phone, walk into the room when your loved one's there with the music playing and just start dancing with them.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. Love that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. So if you do go and try that, throw it in the comments after. Want to know how it went?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, that actually would be really cool. Yeah, Love that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right. I think we're out of time.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

We are out of time.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Guys, thank you so much for joining us and hopefully you've enjoyed this lovely new set as much as we have. It has been an honor to have you guys and as always, thank you so much for submitting the questions. If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And if you're a fan of movies, TV shows, comic books, all that stuff, go over to Impact theory studios on YouTube. Subscribe to that. We're doing basically movies and mindset. It's not just movies, but that sounds really cool. It's all about mindset in the media, what you can learn. Take away all the this stuff. Movies, books have changed my life and so we're trying to pay that forward. And today we're going to be recording something on Stranger Things Season 2, so be sure not to miss that. All right, guys, thank you so much for joining us. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care. Bye, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to Stitcher Rate and review us. That helps us build this community and that is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. Alright, guys, thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.