How To Not Let Your Emotions Control You | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu (Replay)

Summary

Podcast Summary: “How To Not Let Your Emotions Control You”

Podcast: Impact Theory with Tom & Lisa Bilyeu (Replay)
Date: October 26, 2023

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Overview

In this engaging “Relationship Theory” episode, Tom and Lisa Bilyeu discuss the complex dynamics of emotions within relationships—both romantic and interpersonal. They touch on dependency versus independence, handling emotional spirals, building trust, and actionable approaches to ensure emotions are allies, not adversaries. The hosts answer questions from listeners, sharing practical stories and advice with their typically honest and energetic style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Self-Improvement After a Break-Up

(02:23-06:35)

• Listener Question: An anonymous listener describes personal growth after an amicable divorce, wondering if they're on the right track with their emotional healing and what else might help.
• Tom's Validation:
  • “Let me heap validation on this person. They seem awash in self awareness and a desire to get better, which is really incredible.” (03:18, Tom)
  • Points out the value of self-examination and consciously working on oneself, not just in abstract terms but with specific, actionable tactics.
• Tactical Recommendations:
  • Analyze exactly where the relationship breakdown occurred and develop strategies to avoid repeat mistakes—just like business post-mortems at Quest.
  • Establish practical “rules and tactics” in relationships: consistent quality time, honesty even when hard, etc.
  • “To have a high functioning relationship, you have to have super practical things.” (04:09, Tom)
• Processing Grief:
  • It’s healthy to process pain fully, but crucial to remain open to vulnerability again; staying closed-off prevents future beauty in relationships.

2. Codependence, Emotional Boundaries & Self-Reliance

(06:36-19:29)

• Emotional Dependency:
  • Tom shares he desires a relationship orbiting around Lisa yet stresses the need to remain his own person:
  • “I want that to be true, but I want to remember that I’m my own planet. So, okay, if she’s the center of my universe...I love that in a way I can't explain…but I knew that it was dangerous.” (06:51-08:17, Tom)
  • Finding balance between dependent love and self-autonomy prevents a “death spiral” of individuality loss.
• Infectious Emotions:
  • Not letting a partner’s negative emotions drag you down or being intentional about uplifting each other:
  • “Either I infect you with my energy, or I let you infect me with your energy…It’s always better to be infected by positivity than to bring someone positive, even to neutral.” (12:21, Tom)
  • Lisa shares her struggle with not wanting to be vulnerable about illness and the growth from learning to ask for support, but also remembering the importance of being self-sufficient in crisis.
  • Story: Lisa’s revelation when Tom wasn’t available during a painful moment: “Remember who you are…You don’t need him to do that for you. You can do it yourself.” (15:24-15:44, Lisa)
• “Independently Codependent”:
  • The tension between vulnerability/dependence and inner strength; it’s possible and valuable to nurture both.

3. Communicating About Emotional Overwhelm

(20:17-26:51)

• Listener Question: How to explain to an emotional partner that sometimes brain chemistry (hormones, stress, etc.) can override their usual feelings and decision-making?
• Building “Credibility” Before Confrontation:
  • Tom outlines a patient, multi-step process—holding back any judgment until clear signs of uncharacteristic behavior emerge, then addressing with empathy and zero aggression.
  • “You have to earn the credibility...if you say something the moment you feel it, you’re screwed.” (22:34, Tom)
  • Use emotionally sober moments to discuss “how to handle” escalations.
• Earning Deep Trust:
  • The importance of never weaponizing vulnerability against your partner:
  • “That’s how you earn credibility…You’ve never done it. Never done it.” (34:16, Tom)
• Recognizing Emotional Patterns:
  • Lisa reveals how identifying her triggers and signals (like cleaning when anxious) has helped her address emotions constructively, thanks to feedback and partnership:
  • “The second I start cleaning, I’m like, oh, shit, hang on…this is one of my signals.” (35:05, Lisa)

4. Logic vs. Emotion in Relationships — Would You Rather Segment

(37:47-39:32)

• EQ vs IQ: Both would be difficult to lack, but they'd prefer extraordinary EQ (emotional intelligence) in a partner.
• Emotion vs Logic for Themselves:
  • Lisa: Feels her life improved since accessing her emotions more deeply, sides slightly with emotions.
  • Tom: Cites research that emotions are fundamental for decision-making—people with brain damage affecting emotion simply cannot decide, even on lunch options.
• Partner’s Decision-Making:
  • Both would prefer a rational over an “always emotional” partner—purely emotional decision-making would be disastrous.

5. Agreeing to Disagree as a Couple

(39:32-41:47)

• Listener Question: Does “agree to disagree” work among strong-willed partners?
• Tom’s Shift:
  • Used to have “an absolute need to convince” Lisa to his side; now recognizes it usually ties to insecurity and the need to be right.
• Lisa’s Perspective:
  • Sometimes agreement is crucial, especially for fundamental issues (like child discipline), while others can be left unresolved.
  • They share a specific example (their dog and the pool) about when and how to let go, emphasizing the importance of imagining consequences and making peace with them.

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Most Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “Let me heap validation on this person. They seem awash in self awareness and a desire to get better, which is really incredible.”
  — Tom, 03:18

• “To have a high functioning relationship, you have to have super practical things.”
  — Tom, 04:09

• “I want that to be true, but I want to remember that I’m my own planet.”
  — Tom, 07:06

• “Either I infect you with my energy, or I let you infect me with your energy…and it’s always better to be infected by positivity than to bring someone positive, even to neutral.”
  — Tom, 12:21

• “Remember who you are…You don’t need him to do that for you. You can do it yourself.”
  — Lisa, 15:24

• “You have to earn the credibility...if you say something the moment you feel it, you’re screwed.”
  — Tom, 22:34

• “That’s how you earn credibility...You’ve never done it. Never done it."
  — Tom, 34:16

• “The second I start cleaning, I’m like, oh, shit, hang on...this is one of my signals.”
  — Lisa, 35:05

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Important Timestamps & Segment Guide

• 02:23 — Working through emotional pain after divorce
• 06:36 — Tom on codependence and individual orbit
• 10:14 — How to avoid emotional spirals as a couple
• 12:21 — “Positivity is infectious” concept
• 15:24 — Lisa’s personal breakthrough about self-reliance
• 19:30 — Building communication tactics for emotional escalation
• 20:17 — “How do you talk to an emotional partner about brain chemistry?”
• 26:52 — Recognizing intent vs. perception in communication
• 34:33 — Trust: never weaponizing vulnerabilities
• 37:47 — Would You Rather: EQ vs IQ, emotion vs. logic
• 39:46 — Agreeing to disagree: personal examples and philosophy

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Final Takeaways

• Emotions in relationships must be acknowledged, managed, and discussed with empathy and tactical self-awareness.
• Building “credibility” and a history of trust makes it possible to navigate each other’s emotional hurricanes without shipwrecking the partnership.
• Practical rules, honest routines, and emotionally sober discussions create resilience.
• Openness to vulnerability and commitment to independence can co-exist, and the healthiest partnerships nurture both.
• Sometimes, you have to let go and agree to disagree—even if it’s hard.

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Tone:
Real, open, slightly humorous, and deeply practical, reflecting Tom and Lisa’s frank but compassionate dynamic.
Best For:
Anyone seeking actionable wisdom on emotional health in relationships, especially those struggling with dependency, communication, or strong emotions.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Well, here's the thing. You don't even call me Lisa.

[A]

That's what I mean. So I go for Elizabeth because it's like Lisa feels weird, but Elizabeth doesn't because I don't ever call you that. Except for this. So even Elizabeth feels like a nickname, which makes it feel better. So that was a lot from the beginning of this episode. Let's dive right in, shall we?

[B]

All right. What's up, guys? Thank you for everybody for reaching out and letting us know how last week's episode actually resonated with you. Got a lot of feedback, a lot of comments. Really appreciate that, guys.

[A]

And if you haven't already listened to it.

[B]

Yeah, you should go check it out.

[A]

Yeah, make sure you subscribe to that feed there on your podcast app of choice. That helps a lot. And I'll hit you up with that again at the end.

[B]

But yeah, it was almost like a therapy session and a lot of people, yeah, were really touched by it and they learned a lot from how we just talk to each other. So I guess let's try and do more of that.

[A]

Sounds good. But guys, one of my favorite episodes.

[B]

Yeah, what's your favorite episode? Actually? And guys, if you do have any questions and you want to say Anonymous. Obviously more than happy to keep your name out of it, but you can submit questions to to connectpactheory.com and now let's get started.

[A]

Let's do it.

[B]

All right. Question Anonymous. Hi Tom and Lisa. I'm going through an amicable divorce with my spouse and I'm pretty devastated. But I've had a ton of realizations while working through my role in the end of our relationship. Over the course of our relationship, I became spouse centered and dependent on her for my emotional health. I felt stuck in my line of thinking and never had the courage to bring up issues that grew over time. Since then, I've really started working on myself. I'm reading as many mindset books as possible, starting talking talk therapy for the first time, and I'm trying anything that could possibly help me get through the emotional pain and or make me a better person. It feels like I'm really changing and putting in the work that I just couldn't get myself to do before. I guess I'm really looking for validation that I'm doing the right work to get myself to a place where I can continue growing and advice on what else I could do that can help. Either one of that has helped either one of you. Thanks.

[A]

Well, let me heap validation on this person. They seem awash in self awareness and a desire to get better, which is really incredible. There was something so rad about the tenor of that question that I really resonate with. So, yes, it very much sounds like they are in the right lane, that they're pursuing the right thing, that they've got a good attitude, they're acknowledging the grief and the pain that they're going through. They're trying to do something to deal with it. They're looking at what they did wrong. They're calling it an amicable divorce, but yet acknowledging that it's really devastating for them to go through. It's just like really, really. The frame of reference from which they're approaching this ticks all of my boxes. Really, really powerful. What they can do to continue to improve is one really looking at where the breakdown of the relationship happened. That's super strong. But then what are the tactics? Like, like really specifically, tactically, what are you gonna do to make sure that this doesn't happen again in your relationship? So when I was looking at all the mistakes that I had made at the culture at Quest, it was like, okay, well, I don't wanna make those mistakes again. But it's not enough to want it. I have to have tactics to Pursue it. And so principles has become our litany of tactics. But it's so like, do this, don't do this, have this meeting, say these things. Like it's so specific and, and I know that people don't like that in their love and their romance. But the reality is that to have a high functioning relationship, you have to have super practical things. Like in our relationship, what used to be called date night now is just being protective of our time together on the weekends and stuff. And even just the holiday that we went on that we just got back from, like really doing my best not to work. And I've never worked that little because I feel like I've never worked that much during my on times. So I thought, okay, well, to really be true to the fact that my relationship is the most important thing in my life and to get just that amazing hit that I get from spending time with you, like, I'm really going to go all in. So you know, those are tactical things that have a predictable and wonderful outcome. And so. And then also our thing about not lying, like, even if it would be so convenient to not do it. So that I think is super powerful, like when you have those rules and those tactics and things like, that's so powerful. And that will see people through times like this where it's like, okay, I really don't want to repeat that kind of heartache and heartbreak. The only other thing that I will say, and I have no doubt you'll have something magically delicious, is to, to fully go through this and process that and everything. But when you're ready to reopen yourself to that potential heartbreak again, because it's the only way you'll ever have a beautiful relationship in the future. Because if he guards himself and becomes closed off, then the beauty which only is possible in vulnerability will never happen.

[B]

Yeah, it's a very good point. Do you have any thoughts or any stories in your mind? Because of what of? So anytime that you felt like you were a little too dependent on me,

[A]

never like a big thing, I've been really cognizant of. Okay, so I want to be in a codependent relationship, meaning that I want to completely revolve around you. So, okay, well, what's the danger? Because even just saying those words out loud, it's so apparent how dangerous that is. So it was like, okay, well, I want that to be true, but I want to remember that I'm my own planet. So I may have an orbit, but I'm still me. So, okay, if she's the center of my universe, which is always, like, even saying those words to me, like, when I write them in a card or whatever, like, that feels so awesome to me. To say that you're the center of my universe. I love that in a way that I can't explain to you. So, like, that makes me feel. Even now I'm getting emotional just saying that and thinking about it. So I'm really getting emotional. So even just having that, to me is like, it's super powerful. So that's something that, like, I never wanted to see as a bad thing, but I knew that it was dangerous. So, like, okay, how do I make sure that, like, this is really still me, that I still spend time on me, that I'm still doing things that are selfish, that I carve out time to, even if it's not something that you enjoy, that I still make time for, that that was all super important. And so being able to say in my head, like, this is simultaneously really beautiful and really scary. And so scary. Not from. I'm scared. Scary from the. It's just too obvious to look at humanity and to know that humans then fall into the, like, two galaxies, which this really happens. Galaxies will revolve around each other for obviously, billions of years, but ultimately collapse into each other and they, like, die into some gigantic supernova. So it's like, that's real. That is what happens. So you have to be, like, super cognizant not to let the orbit become a death spiral. And so the ways to do that for me were always very little moments. It was never like, oh, my God, I'm getting sucked in too close. It was knowing that my code said it is very okay to take care of myself. It is very okay when I need time to be selfish, to take selfish time, that it was little things, like always being honest with you. I'm always going to find other people attractive. I'm just not going to do anything because I'm committed to you. And that commitment to me is valuable. But, like, not having to bullshit about stuff like that was always super, super empowering. So, yeah, I could literally keep going. But there's a thousand little moments like that that I built into my code about how to talk to you, how to think of myself, what my code is, what's okay, what's not okay. And that is how I've managed to stay in orbit without collapsing down into, like, a one being that can't think or exist without the other person. And then one more. When we would get in a fight and this is when. Or maybe even it's more nuanced. But I think people will understand this if you're angry or upset. And I would find myself being drawn into the negativity and reminding myself, yeah, this is the bad part about living an intermingled life, which is maybe a less charged word than codependent. So I need to.

[B]

Is letting someone else's, your partner's feeling and emotion seep into how you feel

[A]

to not right to say, like, I get it. I fully understand that you're upset about this and I want to be here for you, but I'm not going to lose my good mood because it's not going to help you. And I remember that was how I rationalized it was. Well, it doesn't help her if I also get equally upset, down, pissed off, whatever. The negative emotion was far better for me to stay in a good place, be respectful, not be like, hey, what the fuck's wrong with you? But like stay in a positive place so that when you were ready that I could extend the hand and help you back to my place rather than us both, which we have for sure done a hundred times. But whenever possible to avoid that thing where you both tumble into the darkness to being upset, to being down, whatever, because then you have to like claw your way out, like with no one up there to lift you back up. So times like that I've always been very cognizant of. And it's because I can feel my state shift where I go from in a great positive place to something negative. But then I've also used it on the reverse where I'm like, I'm in a dark space and you're in a rad space, let's say that you. This actually happens a lot because I wake up really slowly and whatever like neurochemistry morning people have, I don't fucking have it. So like mornings to me physically are just. They don't feel good and it takes me a while to wake up. So there are times where, let's say you've woken up before me and you've gone to work out and you'll come in like pumping club music at like 7 in the morning. And if I've just stumbled out of bed and I'm still like half asleep and you've already worked out, my first instinct would be like, can you please shut that shit off? But I don't let myself do that. I'm like, I know how much she loves her music. And so when you come in and you're dancing and Shaking your booty and, like, I'm just not there. I remind myself to go there, to let your energy infect me when I, rather than me, try to bring you down, which is the only options, right? Like, either I infect you with my energy, or I let you infect me with your energy. And because the code, even though I'm not feeling it, the code is always better to be infected by positivity than to bring someone positive, even to neutral.

[B]

Love that. I like that infecting analogy.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, that's energy, man.

[B]

One of the things that came to mind for me, because I've dealt with this a little differently. So let's take my health. Not to kind of be that over the head, but it's just the biggest thing in my. My life right now that I've experienced that has really taught me a lot of lessons. And I remember when I would be in pain or something, you know, like, nothing was working, I would get annoyed, frustrated and angry. But I wouldn't want to let you know that I was in pain because I don't like to be vulnerable like that. And so I would just be mad and. Or pissed off. And so you'd be like, well, why are you annoyed and why are you frustrated? What's wrong? I'm like, nothing's wrong. And. Because I just didn't want to, like, let you know, I didn't want to be the person that's always talking about being sick. Of course, here I am talking about being sick, but. And I remember you being like, babe, it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to let me know. Like, I'd rather you tell me when you're not feeling well so that I can be there for you instead of you. Try to be like this, you know, like superhero. Like, I just want you to tell me. It's like, okay, well, it's not going to be easy for me to admit when I'm feeling weak, feeling vulnerable, but I. Let's give it a shot. So I started doing it. And the more I didn't, the more you were very sweet and you were helpful. And over time, I started relying on that. And I remember a time, and because I got very comfortable, you showed me, hey, like, this is positive, you know, actions. And so you always. Very sweet. So I remember a time where we were shooting something. Oh, I had a photo shoot. That's right. And I had the team waiting for me on set with the cameras. Had a photo photographer come in, and I was in agony, and I was on the Floor. Like, literally, I couldn't even really breathe because I was in so much pain. And I fell to the floor upstairs in our bedroom. And I remember, like, texting you, and I said, I really need you. And I don't often do this either, because, like, I need you. I need you right now. And you didn't text me back. And so I was like, I really need you. And I know you're not the type of person that if I say, oh, hey, I really need you, just gonna ignore me. So I thought, okay, he's not seeing his phone, so I'll text him again. Because I literally was on the. And I remember thinking, I need you to come and give me the words I need to hear. Lisa, baby, you've got to get off the floor. You can do this. You're strong. And I was. I remember thinking this. I need you to come and tell me this. And I text you again, and I was like, babe, I really need you. Silence. And I was like, shit, what if he doesn't look at his phone for an hour? I've got a whole team downstairs waiting for me to take these photos. So I was like, hang on, Lisa. Remember who you are. Remember, you can do. You're literally. You know what? You need him to tell you to get off the floor. So why the hell are you relying on him to tell you when you know that you've got it in yourself? So get your ass up off the floor. Show everyone what you're made of. Show yourself what you're made of. And also, as much as you love him, you don't need him to do that for you. You can do it yourself. And I got up off the floor, and then I went on the photo shoot. And then I think, like an hour later, you were like, oh, my God, I just saw this. I'm so sorry. But that was a massive reminder to me, going back to this question of, like, being dependent on someone else, I had slipped into the dependency of that because I felt comfortable doing it right. You were always there for me when I needed that. And here I was, almost like my instinct was to reach out to you immediately instead of my instinct saying, okay, you can do this. So I think there's a really fine line, especially for me, of making sure that I'm vulnerable enough in front of you, showing you that I do need you, opening myself up to you. But also the other side of it is, like, I don't need you to be strong. I don't need you to feel like I can get things done. I Don't need you to be independent and me strong enough. So it's like these two competing notions of being. And I've spoken about this on my social before, about being independently codependent. Right. Whereas, like, I think you do need both. And I think, at least for me, I need both. I need to feel like I'm a strong woman, that I don't need you to get me up off the floor. But I do like it when I can depend on you. So that was a big thing. And then also, just to go down this rabbit hole, another story is when we. There was a situation at Quest where I really, really needed you. You had to travel, and I was going through probably one of the hardest emotional moments of my life, I think it's safe to say. And I turned around you. I said, I really need you. And you said, and how often do I say that to you? And it's like. And I said, this is important. And for people listening, we've got our own language. So when we say the word important, we know it's like you have to drop things. And you, like, I hear what you're saying, but it's important to me to go on this trip. So I think that's the only time. The only time in our entire 18 years of being together, 16 years of marriage, we've both used the word important over a situation. And you said, if I. I have to be the man that I promised myself I would be, and I have to go on this trip. And so it's important to me to be that. And I'm thinking, oh, what do we do? And I just reminded myself, okay, even though, Lita, it is important to you to ask him to be somebody he is not. Like, that is way above and beyond to me, something that I need in that moment. And I was like, how would I feel if you asked me to fundamentally change who I am as a human being? And those are one of those moments that I could have led it that way. Decision fester. And I could have let that be something that would have come out in an argument one day. And I just. And I remember thinking that, like, this is one of those moments where you have to deal with it right now. Because if you don't deal with it right now, tomorrow, in a year, in three years, in five years, you're going to still hold that against him, and you may not realize it. So whatever decision you make right now, you have to let go. Like, if you're. If you put your foot down and say, this is a deal, breaker for me, babe, then you need to say that to him right here, right now. But if it's not a deal breaker, and I get why you're responding the way you are, and I can actually understand it from your perspective, then I have to just take a deep breath and say, all right, then you go, I will deal with this by myself and remind myself that I can deal with it, right, Is that I am strong enough to deal with things on my own. So that was a reminder for myself to a remind myself of what I can do personally. And then I think that was a great example of where me and you really did come to a crossroads. And. And the funny thing is, now when I tell the story, and I think I've told it before, like, I have no hard feelings whatsoever because in that moment, I'm just going to beat this over the head for a second. In that moment, I recognize how powerful that could be if it's thus settling. So I've got to let go of it. And I think a lot, hopefully a lot of people listening have gone through those moments where they're like, you know, they recognize the severity of this and don't just brush it aside. Well, I'll find it doesn't matter. Like, you actually have to address it and deal with it and then literally drop it.

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[B]

All right, on to the next question. Oh, this is from Simland. Technically, Seamless Seam Land. Sorry. How do you explain to an emotional partner that the brain chemistry tends to override their feelings and decision making? Go for it, babe.

[A]

Was that the whole question?

[B]

That was.

[A]

So you want to talk about one of the most delicate things in the known universe. It's this. It's telling somebody, hey, you get to a place where you're not being yourself anymore and that you have to earn the credibility. So the reality is the words that you would use, the how of it is kind of like the old joke about, oh, God, the Sting, where he was supposedly into sex for eight hours. And everyone's like, oh, my God, Sting has tantric sex for eight hours. Which he didn't. What he said was, sex starts, like, if you have sex for 30 minutes. It started, you know, eight hours before that. So people are like, he has sex for eight hours. What he was saying is it starts with kindnesses and doing things that your spouse cares about and to get them to a place emotionally where you can have great sex. And I thought, that's actually a really awesome answer. And it made me laugh that people didn't hear what he was saying. And that's the same thing here. You've got to build that credibility in long before you need it. So that when you go to say to them, hey, look, you're not being yourself anymore. And we're officially now at the part where your emotions are getting the best of you. So when this happens with you, what I do is in my head, I go, I think she's being emotional now, and I don't think she's being herself, and I'm not gonna say a damn thing about it, and I'm gonna let her go. Now we're at abuse of point number two now. Like, I'm not even wondering anymore. You're being so unlike yourself. I won't say good or bad. I'll just say, unlike yourself. This is not normally how you would react to this situation. Then we get to the point where, like, you're so. This is the third step. Your emotions now are so out of hand that you're not only acting uncharacteristically, but now it's just. And I'll use the word crazy, but I mean, like, it's at an amplitude that doesn't make sense.

[B]

Unbalanced.

[A]

Unbalanced. Like, what all of the words are going to be.

[B]

You can use crazy with me because that's. I know how. That's how you talk.

[A]

This is something where you won't be. I have the credibility with you where I can use that word and you know that I'm not being insulting, where I'm just saying, like, the amplitude, it doesn't make sense. We're no longer making any sense. And I don't just mean logically. I mean, the behavior is never going to get you what you want, right? So my whole thing about crazy and sense is like, is it going to get you towards your goal? Yes or no? And the answer is, three steps ago, you stopped moving towards your goal. But the Thing that I really, really want people to hear is if you say something, the moment you feel it, you're screwed. Because many, many times at that point you're actually wrong. And when they break it down, you're going to be like, oh shit. Yeah, I actually did totally misread that. Now I understand why the amplitude was off so like at the first line, I think it's really possible. I just don't understand why the amplitude is so high. Then at number two, I'm like, I know now this is very, just atypical for them, but man, we all need a little bit of grace, right? All of us. At times like the amplitude just does not match what's actually happening. I've done it a thousand times. We've all done it a thousand times. So in that moment I want to just be graceful and be like, I'm going to process through this as if everything were completely normal. Meaning your intensity emotionally matches what's happened. Even though we're now two clicks into like, this doesn't really make sense. It isn't until the third one where it's like, if there were a camera on you, you would be embarrassed. And if I play this back to you in any emotional time, any emotionally sober moment, 1,000%, 1,000 out of a thousand times, you're going to say, whoa, I can't believe you didn't say anything back here. Once I know I'm there, then I'll say hey, in a very calm, non threatening, not finger pointing, not aggressive, like, hey. I fully can see that this is big to you. This is really important. I, I do feel like though that the amplitude does not match what's actually happening. So is it possible that you're either hormonal or that you're really upset about something else? And I begin to inquire, like in the most, like defenseless, like, hey, my guard is really down here. Like, I really want to know, I really want to help. Because any misstep, even though you know that if this were being filmed, this person would be embarrassed by themselves, of themselves. Like, that's not the time to hurl insults or to take us like emotionally or morally superior high ground. None of that. It's like, look, we all get to that place and if you really want good things for the person, that's another thing. I think I really want good things for her. Like, I want to help back her out of this and that's how you do it. But if you don't have the credibility going into that of the person knowing they never bring this up until I'm three clicks in. Because if you were like, you always do that, like, you bring this up and, like, it's so offensive, then I'm dead in the water. But if you're like, wait a second, he never throws this in my face, I've never once thought, hey, he pulled that card way too early. So now I know. Even though it doesn't feel true, because the reason you've escalated is because it feels real. And that's the thing about being in a hormonal state or being in a state of agitation based on stresses or something else going in your life that the neurochemistry for you matches exactly the amplitude. Right. It's never off. That's why you're reacting that way. So in the moment, it's not going to feel real. So the person has to have earned all that credibility. Otherwise you're just going to be like, you're being so offensive. Quite frankly,

[B]

that's actually very true. And I want to talk a little bit more about that. In the opposite. I'm not very good yet at. I kind of, like, just wait until after the situation has died down. I'd be like, yeah, I'm not sure. Like, you said this to me and it came across like this. I'm not sure if you were going through something or if you're just frustrated, like, if something's weighing on you at work. But that did come across a little, like, aggressive towards me, and it didn't make me feel good. Like, I kind of. I don't often say things in the moment, and to be honest, you don't have that emotional. Like, you get more snappy at me, I think, versus, like, you don't get emotional like, I do.

[A]

I like to think of it as I get overly efficient.

[B]

Is that what it is?

[A]

It really, truly is, by the way. And that 99 times out of 100 when you're like, that came across aggressive. What I'm feeling internally is an absolute need. Not saying it's justified. I'm just saying what's happening internally is, in that moment, for whatever reason, I have an overwhelming need for efficiency.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's how I get when I'm frustrated. I can't have anything extraneous.

[B]

But the thing is that you don't get like that with the rest of the team, which is why there's certain things. Because I'm your wife. Are you letting that spill over a little?

[A]

Well, we can derail down this path, which I'm super. I'm super interested.

[B]

Yeah, let's do it.

[A]

Anybody else's. It is because the going back to the initial question of orbiting around the other person and spending 18 years together, and you're the only person that I expect to play my exact game, to play at my level, to be as committed as I am. I don't think that about anybody else. And the reason is. And I actually don't know, I have never been emotionally satisfied that you understand the phrase. I'm about to say that what I'm really looking for from you is to not feel alone. And when someone on the team is doing something that I think is absurd, I don't. Like, I don't need a connection with them. So I'm like, okay, well, I will be entirely strategic right now, and I'll default onto principles, and I will handle things like buy the book. And Because I don't mind, like, feeling like an adjudicator almost, where it's like, hey, we have rules that impact theory. We've all agreed. These are the principles. This is what we abide by. And so I don't mind totally distancing myself from you at this point and saying, hey, according to principles, this, that, or the other, I'm the CEO. Like, at that moment, it's like, well, it's a hierarchy. And I'm dealing from a position of inherent separation from you when it's your wife. And this gets complicated when your wife also happens to be a part of your work team and you're expecting her to give you that sense of, like, connection that I don't have to abide by a rule book. None of that. Literally, like, I want to be totally myself. I don't want to have to think strategically. I just want to, like, be raw and real and do everything to not have any kind of separation. And I'm realizing now part of the reason I've never gotten the emotional satisfaction that you really understand what I'm saying, because I'm finding it really hard to capture this sense of. It's the same thing about lying that makes me feel separate. It's why I don't want to lie to you, because then I feel disconnected from you. Because there's just something. There's an element of friction in there. There's a little thing that I bump on that then isn't, like, doesn't draw me closer to you. So even if that's me having to be strategic about, like, denying the emotion that I'm feeling or not expressing it and, like, pretending, oh, I'm not feeling this and remodulating my face and like, all of that, which I would do for somebody when we're working together, because it's just, like, it is unfair to ask of them for connection like that. A. And B, that's not the social contract that we have about being in an organization. So the. Yeah. That I won't keep using words, but I know that I'm not doing a great job. So for all those listening, forgive me for not being able to capture this.

[B]

No, actually understand. Understand it. And the one thing for me that I struggle with is I want to be that person that you can always feel like you're always connected. But at the same time, it does become frustrating for me because I'm like, I'm still your wife. So I was like, I don't want you to snap at me.

[A]

Yeah, here's the thing. It's a fucking terrible strategy. Like, the. The thing that's bothering you in that moment is a deficiency in my personality or certainly a deficiency in my tactics of dealing with that feeling that I get the need for absolute clarity, certainty, efficiency, like, all of that. That then points and becomes hard for anyone to deal with because it's so fucking robotic. And what you read is aggressive. Doesn't feel internally aggressive.

[B]

Robotic. An aggressive robot.

[A]

Yeah, for sure. Like, I know when I want clarity, everything about me is going to read aggressive. I so get it. It just isn't. Aggression to me is like, I want to back you down.

[B]

That's not what I'm feeling.

[A]

What I'm feeling is like, I need the fucking answer this very second. I don't want to pursue you. I don't want you to feel small. I don't want you to feel intimidated. Like, all of that is exactly counter to what I want.

[B]

Yeah, you don't make me feel.

[A]

I just want the fucking, like, clarity. Is it yes or no? Black or white, this or that? Like, right now. No extraneous words. Oh, for the love of God, no more time. Like. But I know the way it makes me feel. It's like every. Like, I often talk to people. I have diffuse focus and I have laser focus. When someone triggers that in me, I could be diffuse. I fucking snap into. Like, everything I have is focused on that person. And so it reads. I have seen the reaction enough now to know that it reads aggressive even though it's not what I'm feeling internally.

[B]

And that's actually something that we talk about a lot, is how are you feeling when you're saying something versus how it's coming Across. Because that's a massive thing. Because it's like, wow, I had no idea that. That's so not what I meant. But the feeling that you give someone, whether you want it to be true or not, you have to. You have to recognize that it is making them feel that way. So it's like that, right where you're looking at me and you're being blazed. It's like, it makes me feel like you just you. I'm being dismissive. Like, fine, yes, no. And it's like, I feel like you're dismissing me, but you're like, wow, I don't mean to at all.

[A]

I only have two physical expressions. The way that my face is designed by nature, and it's anger and fury. Like, those are the only two things I don't understand. Like, I will feel like sunshine and butterflies. And then I will look in the mirror and be like, whoa, I look so angry. What the fuck? It's just the way that my face looks like now that I do so many photographs for, like, Instagram and stuff, I will feel like I'm doing this, like, really, like, funny little smile. And then I look at the photo and I just look mad. I'm like, how is that possible? It's so disconnected from what I feel inside. It's really bothersome.

[B]

Someone used to take my photos. And you're like, baby, you look mad. I'm like, wow, I think I look sexy. Like, I'm trying to do, like, this, you know, not to derail too much. But the other thing that I want. So in fact. So let's keep going down talking about this, because the emotion of it. So the other way around, it's been. It's very different how I handle you versus how you handle me. And for me, the one thing that I felt really helped is. And we call it our sober moments, right? When we're not in that emotional state. So in the sober state, we actually talk.

[A]

Emotionally sober.

[B]

Emotionally sober. Thank you. When we're in the emotionally sober state, we really do talk about, okay, well, how would you like me to handle it? Or also, the one thing is, you have to have someone that you completely trust. Right? I completely trust that you want good things from me. You already said that. And that I want good things for you and that you love me and that I love you.

[A]

And one more. Don't mean to interrupt, but that we don't ever throw things at the other person.

[B]

Right.

[A]

The number of times I've given you a weapon of insecurity, vulnerability, whatever that you could use against me to really hurt me. And you've never done it. Never done it. That's how you earn credibility, though.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. So doing all that in our emotionally sober moments, we've kind of spoken about those steps, and you've pointed out to me, well, babe, maybe you don't know because it's kind of sometimes hard to see in yourself. You'll even say if you play with your hair, like, I know that you're getting agitated. If you're, you know, you have a different type of walk or you start cleaning, like, things like that, which you've noticed. I actually haven't even noticed, which has been amazing because now you've allowed me to recognize my own triggers. Because once I'm emotionally sober again from that moment, I'd be like, shit, how did I let myself get there? I recognize that he saw that. I recognize that I externalize that I need to get better at it. How do I shorten that timeline? And in talking together through it and figuring out what my trip not even triggers, what my signals are, has been really useful because the second I start cleaning, I'm like, oh, shit, hang on. This is one of my signals. I don't feel agitated right now, but my signal that we have identified together is that I clean. Okay, well, why am I cleaning? What right now am I doing okay? So, like, literally a couple of days ago, we had this woman of impact shoot. Woke up really early. First thing I did is came down to set and started rearranging things. But I recognized it in myself, and I was like, all right, Lisa, you're rearranging the furniture. Why are you doing this? Okay, because you actually need time to take some deep breaths before you go into prep mode. And so I was like, actually, okay, this is actually being really useful for me right now. So I'm going to keep doing it. But things like that allowed me to stop figuring out, like, okay, am I anxious right now? No. Okay, you're not feeling anxious. Great. That's fantastic. But we've had those discussions together. We've sat down and we've spoken about what those things look like and then how I can use them to then really implement it. But also the fact that you've earned the credibility. So I know that you don't immediately say, okay, what's up? Something's wrong, or, you know, you've waited a while. So when you do say it, I stop. And this is actually one thing that I've worked on as well. I don't just take Your word for it. I try to go, okay, he's saying it, so you have to stop and think about it. Doesn't mean that he's right because maybe you're going through something right now. Maybe you're agitated and maybe something's going on with you. And my emotion has now triggered you, you. So I don't want to just go, okay, well he said it, so it must be true. But I need to take that seriously. So I always then stop and go, okay, think about it. What is he actually saying? How is he feeling right now? What is he going through? He means he. What he's saying he feels is true. So don't dismiss it. But do you agree with it? And then I break things down back based on all those signals. Have I done any of those signals I know are true about me and then come to my own conclusion and then kind of go from there. But that's, I think, how we've stopped. Like we. When was the last time we fought? I don't even remember. Like, we used to have like explosive fights and we've even spoken about that. We'd go half a day where we would just be pissed off with each other. And because we've done all these little things, we deal with disagreements in utter calm state. So. All right, well, there you have it.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Would you rather segment. Would you rather, Would you rather have a partner with a low EQ or a low iq?

[A]

Both would be horrible. But if they were truly extraordinary on the eq, eq.

[B]

A thousand times, yeah, agreed. Would you rather be unable to tap into your emotions or unable to tap into logic?

[A]

Well, so I, oh, for me, able

[B]

to tap into, break it down.

[A]

Being able to have to work.

[B]

Oh, I don't know. I pride myself on being so good at logistics.

[A]

Well, logic and logistics.

[B]

Well, but you know, I mean, like

[A]

there's logic related since I think they come from the exact same group.

[B]

But it's that same type of. But if I couldn't tap into my emotions, I think my life has been better since I've been able to tap into my emotions more. So I'm going to go with that.

[A]

So I will say that the only real answer here is emotions come first. So people that the emotional center of their brain is damaged and they no longer have emotions, they literally cannot make decisions. And I don't mean that like, oh, they sort of can't make, they can't make decisions. They can sit there and tell you logically, well, I really should have the salmon because it's Healthier than the chicken nuggets and french fries, you know, but the chicken and nuggets and french fries, I do prefer them from a taste perspective, but they can't ever. They will stand there debating until they die. It's crazy. It's been well documented. That's been. Wow. Yeah. Access to your emotions on that one.

[B]

All right, emotions. Would you rather have a partner who always makes emotional decisions or always makes rational decisions? Oh, I have to say. Rational.

[A]

Yeah. I have to say, even though what I just said, like somebody that's just going full tilt on emotions, that would be.

[B]

Oh, God, that would be disaster.

[A]

That would be nightmarish.

[B]

That's actually a really good one. I like that. All right, next question is from Sean H Odlum. Do you think agreeing to disagree at times can work in a relationship or mutually strong willed people?

[A]

Well, so we have a lot of experience in this. So in the beginning, some of our biggest fights were my absolute need to convince you of my way of thinking. And so finally realizing that it was very okay for you not to be convinced that. That we could agree to disagree. That you. Yeah. I'm not even sure what drove that. I can't recapture that need to convince you. Probably back when I still valued myself on being right, that it came from that place. But I never tried to convince you when I didn't actually believe it. I did that at work a lot. But that is almost certainly an insecurity driving something like that.

[B]

I remember because I used to say, okay, let's just agree to disagree. And you just wouldn't let it go. It's like, why can't you just let this go? Like we've been arguing now for the last like two hours on it. But also I think it does depend on what it is because I think if it's a fundamental belief, like let's say, for instance, like even how you discipline your children, like, I don't think there's an. Agree to disagree because at some point it's going to come to a point where. Right. I mean, we even had a little disagreement about wookie in the pool. Where my, my thing is I want to teach her to not. I want to threaten her to not jump in.

[A]

Yeah. That she never goes in the pool.

[B]

Right.

[A]

My thing is teach her how to swim.

[B]

Right. But I'm saying

[A]

I need you to agree.

[B]

But I was also saying it doesn't mean that you don't teach us to swim. You should teach her to swim because if she falls in, which she has fallen in, she Needs to know how to swim. I just want her to be fearful up to going up to the rocks so that she has it sad opportunity to fall in. So I want her to be like, oh, I shouldn't come this far to the if.

[A]

Oh, I understand.

[B]

Yeah. So anyway, but things like that, right, with Nat is like, I think the one little thing that we disagreed on with Wookiee. But, like, if.

[A]

But even on that, by the way, I just let it go. I was like, yep, I'm. She doesn't need to see things the way that I see things, Even though the stakes on this particular one are very, very high.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But I thought, what am I really gonna gain by trying to convince you to do it my way?

[B]

Right? And look, even with this situation, the truth is, if she fell in, like, imagine I was like, all for teaching her to swim. Yeah, great, let's teach her how to swim. But please, let's tell her not to jump in. Like, I want to make sure that she knows she shouldn't. And so we teach her to swim. And then one day she falls in, and God forbid something happened, like, I don't want to hold on to. Like, I told you we should have threatened her to not go to the edge. Because I would be thinking that.

[A]

That's exactly why I was like, okay, let's play the scenario out.

[B]

Yeah. And that was the thing. Play it out. And that's the worst case scenario. And, you know, I. I wouldn't want to hold that against you, of course. Like, Jesus, that would be horrible. And I would never actually say I told you so, but I could. I don't think I could help but think it.

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

So.

[A]

All right, that's all for anybody listening. We don't let her jump.

[B]

We don't let her jump in the pool. Yeah.

[A]

All right. You were gonna say.

[B]

Yeah, I was gonna say. Thank you for listening, guys. And if you're not following you at Tombillew, on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, all the

[A]

above, get over and do it.

[B]

And if you're not following me, follow me at on Instagram. In fact, I'm pretty much only on Instagram @lisabillew. And also, guys, again, if you got any questions, please submit them to connectimpactheory.com and then also, if you're not subscribed to, press that subscribe button and rate and review. That is the one ask. In fact, that's the three asks we have. Subscribe, rate, and review.

[A]

Yeah. And if you're only gonna do one subscribe, that helps us reach more people, which at the end of the day is what we're all about, building this community so that we can reach more amazing people.

[B]

And I'm just gonna throw in one more and if you're enjoying this, screenshot it and then put it in your IG story and tag us.

[A]

Wow, I got aggressive. So, like, what's rule number one? Like, don't ask for too many things.

[B]

Like 10 things.

[A]

Yeah, let's throw like eight more.

[B]

Yeah, let's throw it. Come on, guys. I believe in you.

[A]

All right, everybody, thank you so much. If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. Until next time, be legendary. Take care. Later, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to Stitcher Rate and review us. That helps us build this community. And that is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can, deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. Alright, guys, thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.