How to Survive the Holidays with Your In-Laws | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu (Replay)

Summary

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Impact Theory – Relationship Theory (Replay):

How to Survive the Holidays with Your In-Laws | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu

Release Date: November 23, 2023

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Episode Overview

This holiday-themed episode of Impact Theory’s “Relationship Theory” brings Tom Bilyeu and his wife, Lisa, together to tackle the perennial challenge of navigating the holidays with extended family—especially in-laws. Drawing on their own experiences as a couple from divorced families and fielding real-life listener questions, Tom and Lisa share candid advice about setting boundaries, dealing with toxic relatives, and keeping your romantic partnership strong in stressful family environments. While their playful banter and warmth keep things light, the episode offers actionable insights for anyone facing tricky family dynamics this season.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Would You Rather: In-Law Dilemmas & Relationship Boundaries

• Kickoff Segment: Lisa proposes a “Would You Rather” question:
  Would you rather spend the holidays with in-laws you hate, or alone without your partner?
  (05:12-09:32)
• Lisa’s Take (08:25): She would choose to endure disliked in-laws to be with Tom, finding ways to “steal time” with her partner despite challenging family members.

  “I would put up with the in-laws… I would just keep telling myself, you’re doing this for the love of your husband.” – Lisa (08:25)

• Tom’s Perspective: He values time with his partner for special occasions and refuses to suffer, highlighting the importance of being on the same team in the face of difficult family members.

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2. Navigating Parental Disapproval & Religious Differences:

Listener Q&A (Andy Frisch, Facebook)

• Situation: A husband feels immense pressure because his wife’s religious parents don’t support their marriage. He doesn’t want to force her to cut ties but can’t continue “toughing it out.” (10:36-21:15)
• Tom’s Advice:
  • Be realistic: “You’re never going to change them. So either cut ties… or you need to learn to let it roll off your back.”
  • Treat in-law hostility as an opportunity to practice patience and detachment.

  “It would just be a game for me. Is there a way for me to win them over without changing who I am…?” (11:45)

• Lisa’s Advice:
  • Don’t give ultimatums; focus on open communication with your spouse about your feelings.
  • Be a united front, and don’t allow family friction to infiltrate your relationship bond.

  “You have to be united. You cannot have your partner’s parents influence your affection and relationship.” – Lisa (16:49)

  • If disrespected, it’s ok to opt out of non-essential gatherings, but attend important ones for your spouse’s sake.
• Memorable Moment: They share their own story: Tom agreed to be christened so Lisa’s dream of a Greek Orthodox wedding could come true—while honestly maintaining his atheism. (13:34-16:43)

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3. Handling Family Rejection or Exclusion on Holidays

Listener Q&A (Dan Bro Fitness)

• Scenario: What would you do if your partner’s family didn’t include you in holiday celebrations? (26:24-27:43)
• Tom:

  “If my family said that you weren’t welcome in the house, I would all but burst into laughter... I choose my wife.”

  • Your romantic partner comes first if forced to choose between them and family.
  • Lisa agrees, but they’d discuss who’d be more hurt by absence and make a decision together. (39:04-39:42)

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4. Age Gaps in Relationships & Family Judgment

Listener Q&A

• Question: Parents struggle to accept a brother’s fiancée, who is 7 years older.
• Both Hosts:
  • Age gaps are far less important than real compatibility and happiness.

  “If they’re in love and both of consenting age, I got no beef with it.” – Tom (28:20)

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5. The In-Law Effect on Divorce Statistics

• Lisa (Stats):
  • Husbands who have good relationships with their wife’s parents—20% lower chance of divorce.
  • Women close to their husband’s parents—20% higher chance of divorce. (29:29-31:29)
• Tom’s Hypothesis:
  • When the wife teams up with the husband’s mom, it might create tension and “gang up” on the husband.

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6. Moving In Together & Parental Approval

Listener Q&A (Michelle Elderstein)

• Scenario: How to ease her parents’ nerves about moving in with her boyfriend after past failures. (31:59-36:22)
• Advice:
  • Tom: Accept that you can’t stop parents from worrying; focus on honest communication rather than convincing them.
  • Lisa: Parents’ worry often stems from love and tradition—accept that you can’t always persuade them.

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7. Fan Questions: Toxic Family Environments & Relationship Impact

• Dealing with a Partner’s Toxic Family:
  (43:57-46:51)

  • It’s fair to consider family environment when evaluating a future with someone, especially if you plan to have children around those relatives.

  “If this is something that gives them pause and it’s early in the relationship—yeah, they should weigh it.” – Tom (46:47)

  • Lisa: It matters how close the toxic family is, and whether your partner is an ally in managing that dynamic.

• In-Law Denial or Blind Loyalty:
  (48:21-49:11)

  • Tom: If your partner can’t see or admit to their family’s toxicity, that’s a significant “red flag.”

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8. How Money, Achievement & Status Affect Finding a Genuine Partner

Listener Q&A (Harris Salim)

• Concern: As a doctor revered in his culture, how to make sure prospective partners love him for who he is, not just his status? (50:32-56:03)
• Tom:
  • You can’t hide your profession forever; the key is to use time and conversation to screen genuine intentions.

  “If you let me spend three weeks with somebody… there’s no universe in which I can’t suss out what their real motives are.” – Tom (51:16)

  • Tactics: Take people to “dumpy restaurants.” Watch for clues about their value systems.
• Lisa:
  • Wouldn’t proactively disclose her own success if she were single, but acknowledges it’s hard to hide in the social media age.

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9. Relationship “Would You Rather?” Holiday Edition (36:52-41:41)

Sample Questions:

• Never celebrate Thanksgiving or never celebrate Valentine’s Day? (Both: Skip Valentine’s Day – Thanksgiving is “kickoff to Christmas.”)
• Would you rather elope with someone you met last week or have an arranged marriage? (Both: Elope—at least some connection.)
• Have only your family or only your partner’s family at your wedding? (Tom would choose Lisa’s family to avoid her heartbreak—a profound insight on prioritizing your partner’s feelings.)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Difficult Family Dynamics:

  “Life is way too short for that shit… being around people you hate.” – Tom (06:02)

• On Building a United Front:

  “You have to be united. You cannot have your partner’s parents influence the affection and the relationship between the two of you.” – Lisa (16:49)

• On Responding to In-Law Aggression:

  “The reason that people get into these gnarly situations is they feel like they have to defend themselves… It’s the principle of the thing.” – Tom (12:40)

• On Relationship Resilience:

  “I really weighed, am I prepared to be a caretaker… I had to really decide you got sick a lot… Am I getting enough good stuff to outweigh this stuff?” – Tom (45:28)

• On Sussing Out True Motives:

  “When you speak, you cannot help but reveal yourself. So get them talking.” – Tom (54:41)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-------------|------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:35-02:28 | Show & Episode Introduction | | 05:12-09:32 | Would You Rather: In-Laws or Alone | | 10:36-21:15 | Listener Q&A: Religious In-Law Conflict | | 26:24-27:43 | Exclusion by Partner’s Family | | 28:20-31:29 | Age Gaps & Parental Disapproval | | 29:29-31:29 | In-Law Relationship Divorce Stats | | 31:59-36:22 | Moving In Together, Seeking Parental Approval | | 43:57-46:51 | Partner’s Toxic Family Environment | | 48:21-49:11 | Dealing with a Partner’s Blind Loyalty to Toxic In-Laws | | 50:32-56:03 | Screening for Genuine Motives in High-Status Relationships | | 36:52-41:41 | Holiday “Would You Rather?” Game | | Various | Lighthearted anecdotes, Christmas passion, and marital banter |

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Tone & Takeaways

Tom and Lisa’s tone is candid, playful, supportive, and solution-focused. They emphasize teamwork in relationships and advocate for honest, direct communication—especially when family drama threatens to disrupt partnership harmony. Whether drawing on personal experience or giving advice to listeners, they encourage boundaries, understanding your own values, and always prioritizing the relationship.

For Anyone Bracing for Holiday Family Stress:
You’re not alone, and some proactive reflection, open communication, and creative strategizing can make the season brighter—for you and your partner.

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Transcript

[A]

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keep your facility stocked, safe and running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done. You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory foreign. Welcome to another episode of Relationship Theory. I'm your co host Tom Bilyeu and I am here with my lovely wife who's very angry about my microphone. Hello, my baby.

[A]

Yes, I am. Don't you try and suck up to me.

[B]

Funny thing is like, now that we're live, it's like, okay, but we gotta figure this out. This is so weird.

[A]

So this is the type of thing that we actually argue about where it's like the production or things like that where it's like it's blocking your face. But anyway, not to bore everybody.

[B]

Hi, guys. I worry more about you guys.

[A]

So this week we are talking about the holidays because next week we won't have an opportunity to film because Thursday. Because we've actually now switched Relationship Theory over to Thursdays and next week is Thanksgiving. So this is our kind of holiday episode that's going to cover next week.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Yes. I've got some holiday questions and some fun things to do.

[B]

All right, sounds good now. But we'll have other holiday episodes as we get.

[A]

Yeah, just not next week.

[B]

Christmas.

[A]

Correct. Just not next week.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

So we thought, okay, what's the one thing that people at home are gonna be dealing with in their relationships over these next couple of weeks. And it is, I'm sure, in laws, family juggling. Both. One of our favorite movies is for Christmases. We both come from divorced parents, so Christmas is quite interesting. But yeah, so I've got a couple of questions in relation to that, so let's get going. All right, so last week I had a. Would you rather. And I've got the results of them. So the question last week was, would you rather have every detail of your love life made public or have the details of your finances made public? And the results are in. All males. All my. All people that voted were male.

[B]

So I'm very.

[A]

Come on, women want to hear from you guys. Eight out of nine vote votes were for finance.

[B]

Yeah. To me, that's like. Yeah, it goes without saying.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

Yeah, so.

[A]

So, yeah, that was so surprised that,

[B]

like, you're like, oh, I'd rather have the intimate details of my love life. Like, that's it. It. So let me see if I can capture this. It exists in a part of people's brains that is just immeasurably different than the rest of their life. Things that are okay and normal when you're in an intimate encounter are very different than things that are normal in your everyday life. So it's like your finances exist in that everyday part. It doesn't mean that you love or hate what's. What's going to be revealed in that, but it's in that same, like, frame of reference. Yeah.

[A]

The funny thing is, afterwards, after I've had time to think about it, I was like, yeah, maybe I'll change my.

[B]

That's so weird because the people that are reading it, the. The lurid details are going to be, like, in their normal life, which makes all the lurid details seem weird. Yeah, it's like that I'm. I'm really not doing a great job of capturing this, but I think that any. Any person's psyche is broken into. Not broken into, but frame of reference matters. And so, like, even just think about ways of talking. Like, ways of talking in the midst of an intimate encounter are very different. If I started talking this in an intimate account, what are you doing? It'd be so weird. But yet in this context, it makes all the sense in the world. So that, to me is like. Because you're asking for something to be taken out of context in, like, this interesting bubble that, you know, hopefully. Jesus. I hope for everyone out there that they get to experience that level of intimacy and having sex and it's amazing, but it's like this, its own universe in terms of being a frame of reference. So.

[A]

All right, so I've got a new. Would you rather for everybody at home, please put in the comments and I want to hear your answer and obviously mine. All right. Would you rather. Would you rather spend the holidays with in laws that you hate or would you rather spend the holidays all by yourself without your other half?

[B]

Whoa. Wow.

[A]

Okay, so put in the comments. Would you want to be with your in laws over the holidays even if you hate them? Um. Or would you rather be alone over the holidays without your other half?

[B]

God. Um, I've got my answer. So it, it's, it makes a big difference for me if this is Thanksgiving or Christmas.

[A]

So because Michelle, initial question was would you rather Thanksgiving with the in laws that you hate or Christmas alone?

[B]

Yeah. Well, that ultimately becomes the same answer. So Thanksgiving I'd rather be my be by myself and Christmas I'd rather be with you assum that like I get some like sneaky moments where it's just you and I after everybody else has gone to bed. You and I would have our like proper little celebration and I could see like doing a little Christmas at the end of the bed or something. But being around people that you hate, life is way too short for that shit. And I. It's interesting that we talk a lot about in laws because I feel just we got so lucky in that we can really enjoy each other's families. Like I love your family in fact the reason by the way, and I know now we'll all all be forgiven because you were a little annoyed. I'm sure that I was on my compute, literally sliding it out of the way to do the intro. It's for your dad.

[A]

For my dad?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, do you really care for me to explain like what I was doing for him? Just know that it was for your dad. So they called me up, your dad calling me, and I thought I didn't hear your phone ring, which means they're coming.

[A]

Now I'm really intrigued. Hang on. My dad called you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And now you're writing something on your

[B]

dad and Tim this morning? Yeah.

[A]

So how is this possible?

[B]

Because we set up their domain for them years ago. So they're having like an issue with the domain. Whatever. So unfortunately not cool. Not holiday related, but nonetheless I was trying to deal with it before we started.

[A]

But I don't want to pretend though that we haven't had issues with each other's parents because we have. So we've just overcome them and really worked to have this now beautiful relationships that we have. But we've definitely had issues. You've obviously had issues with my dad because he didn't necessarily take you seriously. He was very concerned about how you were going to support me. Your mom was obviously very close to you, so she had issues. When I came into your life of now, she had to step back back and kind of give you room to be with me. So we've really have worked through it. But I want to address the people that may be having issues now. Right. And then how do we help or what are the advice and tips we can give them to?

[B]

Well, what are your answers to the. Would you rather. Let's start.

[A]

Yeah, definitely. I'd rather be around my in laws that I don't like because I would make for both. For both. Because I would steal you away. Like not being with you at Christmas and just for you guys at home, like be prepared if you follow me on social for since after Thanksgiving, everything's going to be Christmas related because we are like little children and this is one thing we really bonded over is that like I love Christmas. I'm like a little giddy kid. I wear my Santa hat. Whenever I'm. Any time of the day that I can possibly wear my Santa hat, I wear my Santa hat.

[B]

We wear Santa hats on the streets of New York.

[A]

Yeah, we did and did.

[B]

Well, I'm saying we do every year.

[A]

And you're exactly like that. And that was one thing that maybe you guys at home can relate where you find that one weird, silly thing and that other people judge you and with call you silly and then you find that one person that just embraces it and loves it. And literally on like our first date, you were even like, yeah, look, I'm like the biggest Christmas fan in the world. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, I'm the biggest Christmas fan in the world. And so now it's just become such a bonding for me and you that I look forward to because of the bonding. So if I wasn't with you, like that would make me miserable. So I would put up with the in laws and I would keep telling myself, like, you're doing this for the love of your husband. You're doing this because you want to be with him. And then like you said, I would take time and steal you away. I would. When we're going to bed, we'd stay up for another hour and just hang out. Or in the morning, you know, maybe we'd spend a Couple of hours before we, like, left our bedroom. So those would be more meaningful to me than the misery I may have to face being around people I didn't like.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So word. All right. Okay, so kickoff question has to do with in laws, not to do with holidays per se, but if anyone has any questions in regards to in laws or any problems they're dealing with, put it in the comments and we'll answer them live. So first question is from last week from Andy Frisch from Facebook. Guys, please help. I just married the most amazing woman, love of my life, soulmate. Her parents are very religious and do not support the marriage. My wife's brother actually left the family due to them and refuses to talk to them. My wife is in the middle and I don't want to pull her away, but I cannot continue. Just toughen the fuck up and deal with it. I can't. I cannot continue to just toughen the fuck up and deal with it. I'm not religious and feel the only way for us to survive is to cut ties. But I can't bring myself to give my wife an ultimatum, nor should I. We listen to relationship theory and impact theory, so I think the future is bright, but how do we survive now? Thank you so much. You guys are changing lives.

[B]

So to me, so full disclosure, you and I, I know we wouldn't deal with this the same way. And ironically, I think my way is right and you think your way is right. And every time we encounter something like this, you seem like an alien to me and I'm sure vice versa. And so I will give my very emphatic advice, and that is you're never going to change them. So either cut ties, which is almost certainly going to cause a massive amount of distress for your wife if she were the one that were leading the church charge on cut ties. Okay, then that's nice and easy. The reality is you need to learn to, like, water off a duck's back. Like, here's the thing, I'm never going to find, like, even if somebody were outright heckling me in a relationship, and let's say that it were your parents. Now, your parents are insanely lovely. So thankfully I'm never going to have to deal with this barring like some significant head trauma to one of them. They're just great people. They're so good. I love your in laws, my in laws, your parents. So. But if they were outright heckling me and I was like, you're. You love them and you're like in this really weird position where it's like, I think they're so horrible to you. And for years, let's say you tried and it was stressing your relationship out, and it was becoming a bigger issue, and they were actually getting worse towards me, and it was eating you alive. I'd just be like, don't worry about me. And I'm going to go, and this is going to be practice time, and I'm going to see, like, how much can I do? Like, how chill and zen can I be in this situation? How much can I diffuse them? How much can I win them over? And it would just be a game for me. Is there a way for me to win them over without changing who I am but being like, have you ever tried to push rope? You can't do it, right? Like, I remember somebody.

[A]

I've never had that before.

[B]

Oh, not only have you heard it, you've heard it from me a thousand times, minus the. The sound effect. What they usually say is, have you ever tried to shoot pool with rope? So it's cool.

[A]

I like it.

[B]

And. And that's what I'd be like, whatever they were trying to do to attack me, like, yeah. There are ways to diffuse everything. The reason that people get into these, like, gnarly situations is they feel like they have to defend themselves. They have to protect their ego. They've got to, like, make a point. It's like the principle of the thing all starting to sound familiar.

[A]

I don't know what you mean.

[B]

So for me, like, that. There's no logic in that. Like, it just doesn't make sense. So once you rule out cutting them out of your life, then it becomes either you're fighting fire with fire, and so you continue to escalate and it's absolute misery, or the cops are getting called. I mean, this is how people get into literal physical altercations. It's total madness. Or you just go, I'm going to. This is a game, and I'm going to practice. How do I defuse the situation? And so as long as they're not, like, clubbing baby seals in the living room, like, I don't need to change their behavior. I don't need to stop them.

[A]

So, yeah. And just to give people context. So I'm Greek Orthodox, and you were the first person, really, in my entire family, or I was the first person in my entire family to ever marry out of the Greek Orthodox religion. But when I met you, I had said getting married in a Greek church was actually important to me. I'd had a dream as A young girl. And it was really important to me to get married in Greek Orthodox Church. And you had to be christened, though, to do that. And you had turned around to me and you said, and this was one of those, like, all those things that, you know, you build the bricks of, like, trust and just you're there for me. I so remember this. And you said, baby, oh, if that's going to make you happy, I would do whatever it takes. So if I need to get christened so that we can get married in a Greek Orthodox church, because this is the dream that you had, I'll do in a heartbeat. But you were also very much yourself. And you said, the one thing I won't ever do, and I just need you to know is I don't believe in God. And so I need you to know that I'm doing it for you. And I don't want this to be a slippery slope where all of a sudden now, like, I'm going to church all the time and you're acting like I believe in God when I don't. And you were always very honest about that, very upfront and very respectful. And so from the get go, like, I then told my dad, I was like, look, here's a man who wants to marry me in a Greek church. He's willing to do it, but please don't put pressure on him to have to believe in God. Like, I don't want you preaching to him. And I was very honest with my dad of that. And so you really did help when it came to, like, my family and my beliefs. And you did jump in and embrace it all. You learned how to speak Greek. And I know this was all for me, but it really did help us bond. So that was very powerful. And yeah, you never held it against me. And that's the one thing when this guy said, and I think he's very aware, right, he says, I don't want to give my wife an ultimatum. And, like, that's just, you can't do that. Like, that's not fair on her, in my opinion, like, she doesn't control her parents, so how they act is not a reflection of how she's acting. And then for me, when, if it's. It's the flip. And I haven't obviously been in that situation when it comes to religion, but I definitely have a little different way of seeing things because for me, I don't like to be disrespected, and that's just my thing. So if you're. If. Let's Say your parents are disrespecting you in front of me. I know better. Like, I'm not going to get involved. This is. You're an adult, you can handle that situation. I will still have my opinions, but I'll just keep them to myself. But if I felt like we were in a situation where I was actively being disrespected, I've got to say, I don't really care who you are, whether it's you're my husband or whether you're my husband's parents. Like, I just think there's a line that you don't cross. And as you say, you get treated the way you let people treat you. And I really hold to that. So whether it be your parents or, I mean, I've, you know, worked on movie sets and there've been a listers who have disrespected me. And I told them to the face, like, please don't talk to me like that. Show me respect and I'll show you respect back. And so I've got that line that I just don't cross across.

[B]

So, yeah, so give this guy advice. Tell him exactly what to do. And I want to see if the crazy comes out.

[A]

I don't know what you mean. So for me it'd be like, make sure that a. Your partner needs to know how much you love her. Like, baby, I'm here for you. We're gonna get this through this together. This is an issue that I have a problem with. I'm really struggling right now. But we need to work as a team. That is a must. Because you have to be united. You cannot have other people's outsiders or your partner's parents influence the affection and the relations relationship between the two of you gotta make that mark. So step number one, then deal with it as a team. So talk to her about how you're feeling versus feeling like, I can't talk to her because it's her parents. Like, don't be insulting, like, oh, you're effing dad. And like, be respectful. It's still her parents. But be open about how that makes you feel. So that he can now feel like he's got an ally. And then, yeah, I would say, like, at some point, if they are rude to you and if it was me, I would be very polite and just dismiss myself from situations and say like, oh, it's, you know, a dinner out with your parents. Have fun, baby. Love you. Let me know. Tell your parents I say hi. I just, I don't like putting myself in Situations where I feel like I would have to be quiet if someone was disrespecting me.

[B]

And so you're telling him to not go. She can go, but he's not going

[A]

to go right now. If there's certain situations where it's like a birthday, like, go bite your tongue. Christmas.

[B]

Make it nice and hard.

[A]

Christmas Day or Christmas season day. All right, Christmas Day. Yeah. I would go for sure. And I would bite my tongue. And you have taught me the one phrase you say to me a lot is, oh, God. Like, don't.

[B]

Don't deal with the world the way you wish it were. Deal with the world the way that it actually is.

[A]

Exactly. So I would do that. Right.

[B]

Let's keep it hard. So he goes on Christmas Day and they're disrespecting him.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

That's what you got, my daughter.

[A]

I was ridiculous, right? Yep. I would repeat to myself, why are you doing this? Right. Like, I would figure out why I'm doing it. It's because I love my wife. Yep. They're married. It's because I love my wife. And I would just keep repeating to myself, I love her. I'm here to make her happy. I love her. I'm here to make her happy. I'm here for her. I'm not here for them. I'm here for her. And I would literally, like a mantra, just repeat it in my head because it's important to know why you're doing it, because then I won't get caught up in the emotion that I'm feeling in that moment. I would just embr of like, okay, the result is to make him happy. So when I go home at the end of this Christmas dinner that may be torturous, when I go home, she's gonna be so proud of me. And for your partner, she needs to make sure. In fact, you should tell her. And this is what I would do. Like, I really am looking for a pat on the back. Like, it was really tough for me just now to sit through that lunch with so and so. Being disrespectful to me downgraded it to a lunch dinner. Fine. But I would.

[B]

Like, when we were with him on Christmas Eve, I would.

[A]

Yeah. I would be honest with you of what I'm looking for in return. Because if you then didn't show appreciation, that would really bother me. If you were just like, well, of course you need to shut up in front of my parents and not answer back. Like, if you were like that, like, what am I doing it for? Then I Would want you to say, baby, I know that was tough, and I really saw how strong you were. And so thank you for doing that, because then I'm feeling good about it. I've seen you happy. You know that I'm trying. So that's what I mean by teamwork, like, really working together to have those conversations on what my expectations are before and after.

[B]

That's great advice.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Definitely.

[A]

So I'm not crazy.

[B]

Well, so now do you want to talk about what I think would really happen?

[A]

Oh, wow. You don't think that.

[B]

No, no, no. You would do all of that, but you would get angry. You would get very upset.

[A]

Yeah, I would probably leave.

[B]

And, like, even this morning, we were talking about. Not this, but we were talking about something, and I had that same sense of, wow, it's really interesting to me how differently we react.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So somebody was doing you dirt. There's no question they're doing you D Like. I don't argue that. I'm just saying it doesn't make me mad. It's so predictable. And because it's predictable, I don't have an emotional response to it. And you and I have talked a lot about this. Like, behavior that's predictable should not upset you. And yet, like, even though we've been talking about this for several days, like, you know this is going to happen, you know it's going to happen. You know it's going to happen. When it happens, it still makes you mad. And so that's the part where I'm always like, wow, that's really. It's. It's fascinating.

[A]

Yeah, you're right. I would leave the house. Yeah. And I would need to tell you about it. Like this. This moment when she said that or when he said that, it actually really did upset me. And that's when actually I would say to you, what I'm looking for is like, baby, I totally get it. Love you. I still appreciate you going through it for me. Like, I told.

[B]

And so now that's like, do you mind if we really get mired in the mud here? And. And I don't like to linger on one question.

[A]

I was gonna say, you're the one that tells me.

[B]

And. And I'll. I'll be fast. But what ends up happening? So, because you're getting in, like, it's easy to talk about in the abstract. In the reality, they're being total dicks to you. So then you start getting mad, you get quiet, which is your defensive strategy. But then they can tell that you're getting mad, but they don't think you should be mad about it. So now they feel justified because you're being, in their mind, bitchy. And so now you're both escalating. So even though you're escalating out of silence, you're giving a look, you're giving off this vibe, and so it turns into this really freaky escalation. So. So on paper, like, your advice actually works, but in reality, if you are actually getting mad, it won't work because you won't be able to hide it. So what I'm saying is like water off a duck's back where you're actually not. You're actually not getting upset. So I'll give you a really weird example, and hopefully I can bring this all together. So there are people in my family who. Not my immediate family, but, like, start thinking sort of second, third cousins kind of thing, who do drugs. So there was this one time where people I don't remember meeting. My mom said I met them when I was really, really young. I don't remember it. They show up at the house. Now we're. Imagine we're all sitting around the table when they show up. So there's like 12 of us around the table. These two come in. They're hilarious. Like, they. To me, they look like comic characters. Like, they're so disheveled, like really white trashy, like, missing teeth. I mean, just crazy, crazy like hillbilly shit. And they roll up now everyone scatters. So goes from 12 people around the table to me and the two of them, and that's it. And I sit and have one of the most memorable. Like, I think this was Christmas Eve. One of the most memorable Christmas Eves of my life. Because I turned off judgment and I just started asking questions, right? So I tell people, if you want to be interesting, be interested. And I thought, let me just learn from these two. Like, they. I don't want to say what they do because it'll be too revealing, but they have a very interesting job that you don't hear a lot about anymore. So I'm asking him, like, all these questions. I'm like, wow. Like, yes, they're super high right now, and I don't know what they were doing, if it was weed or heroin, to be honest. But it's pretty funny because they would, like, be falling asleep, like, in mid conversation. It was amazing. I just had so much fun, like, learning about them without, like, being like, oh, my God, I can't believe this is. Yeah.

[A]

But there's A difference between judging 100%.

[B]

And that's why I'm like, I've got to bring these together. Because this seems like a weird example to use here. It's just. It's a very visceral example where there's all the reason in the world to pass judgment on these two, to shut down and just leave the table. Right? But instead I really found a place of legitimate interest and intrigue in them to learn more. So because of that, I was radiating very different emotions and all the, like, non verbal cues than everyone else in the room who was giving off, like, negative vibes. So of course, like, it became this really interesting exchange. Now, that didn't mean that suddenly, like, I'm all for, like, people doing heroin. Like, that wasn't it. It just became like, for that moment, I'm gonna take them as they are, not trying to make them a different way and find my own way to enjoy, which for me is learning to tap in, to learn something, to find out, like, ask these, really ask these questions to which the answers were so interesting. Not that I was like, oh, my God, I'm learning how to be in my own life. It was just interesting. And so in finding that, like, I know if I was getting assaulted by somebody, I would go into interested mode and I would just try to learn about them, to find out more, to steer the conversation where I wanted to go, to take them into waters where maybe they light up. Remember we were working on this house and we had this one guy, he was so important to getting it done. He was so grumpy. And so finally I was so I was getting angry and I thought, this is where I'm gonna get myself into trouble because I'm gonna start being, like, really fucking direct with him. Because you know how I get when people are inefficient and dickheads. Like, that redlines me. You can be a dickhead or you can be inefficient. You can't be both. And so I thought, get interested. And so I asked him, like, what's your deepest passion in life? What really makes you happy? Because I wanted him to, like, get out of this fucking dark funk. And he started talking about his daughters. And I thought, whoa. Like, okay, this is actually really interesting. And now he's in a better mood, I'm in a better mood. So anyway, that's how I deal with anger, aggression.

[A]

All right.

[B]

You're so tempted to go deeper. I respect that. You're ready to move on.

[A]

No, actually, I was. I was ready to definitely move On.

[B]

All right.

[A]

So we can answer more questions. All right, so this is from Dan Bro Fitness. What's up, Dan? What would you have done if your girlfriend, boyfriend's parents did not include you at Christmas holidays?

[B]

Yeah, you got one for us.

[A]

What would I have done if your family didn't want to include me? Yeah, I mean, the question is, do you include me? Do you go to your families or do you stay with me?

[B]

Oh, that's so easy for me.

[A]

But that's what I'm saying. Like, it depends on if you were to stay with me, then my fam. Your family don't.

[B]

In fact, that's even so, if my family said that you weren't welcome in the house, I. I would all but burst into laughter because it's like, kids, of all the dumb ultimatums to make, like, that's the world's easiest decision. So I choose my wife. This is a very foolish ultimatum that you're making. I'm very sad. I would never make that of you. I think it's ridiculous that you can't find a way to appreciate and love this person that I care about. But by the way, I'll see you sometime after Christmas.

[A]

Yeah, like that.

[B]

That's not even, like, difficult for me.

[A]

Yeah, I think it depends. So depending on how the person actually reacts, the person whose parents it is. So you're saying.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I. I think if. If you're in a committed relationship and you're in love and somebody else says, oh, that other person isn't welcome, then on a holiday like that. Get the out of here. Yeah, like that. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't even miss a beat.

[A]

So, yeah. All right, so we've got another question. All right, so, guys, if you do have any questions, please drop them in the comments. We're talking about in laws and holidays, but doesn't necessarily have to be that subject. If there's something else that's bothering you guys out there that we may have dealt with and come up with some ticks, tips, or tricks, let us know. Okay, so we've got Next question. Hey, Tom and Lisa. My parents are struggling to accept my brother's fiance, which is a lot older. Old, which is a lot older than him, 23 and 30. What are your thoughts on men dating older women? Thanks.

[B]

And the heart wants what the heart wants. Like, if they're in love and they're both of consenting age, like, I got no beef with it, man. It's like, it's hard enough to find somebody that you're really Truly, like head over heels. They make you feel like the best version of yourself. You love being around them. Like, like, man, take it where you can get it.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah. I don't know why people get sung so hung up over age. Even the other way around. Like If a guy's 50 and the girl's like 25 and they're both happy and they're both getting what they want out of the relationship, like, I really don't get why people get themselves all hot and bothered about it. It's like, sure, you may not date someone that is that much older than you, great, so don't. But going back to judgment, people put so much judgment on what other people do. It's like as long as you're happy in a. It's hard to be in a relationship. It's hard to find someone that you really love, someone that you really connect with. So if you find someone that's like that, who cares how much, how many years are between you? We actually have some stats on in laws and things like that. So I'm just. Stats. Yeah.

[B]

Break it down.

[A]

Yeah. Michelle's done her research. All right. So a 26 year study concluded in 2012 that the husbands relationship with his wife's parents was essential to lasting. To a lasting marriage. When this relationship is good, the chance of divorce decreased by 20%. But women who reported having a close relationship with their husband's parents increased their chance of divorce by 20%. I know, I'm not sure I understand that. Do we know why increase that by 20%? That's interesting.

[B]

That is so shocking. I don't even know what to make.

[A]

I know. Anyone else got theories on that? I'm so like, that's intrigued.

[B]

Really weird. I've got a. Yeah. I've got a bizarre hypothesis.

[A]

Go on.

[B]

The only thing I can think is that they gang up on the husband and he feels overwhelmed in some way by the. Because the women essentially uniting. Like if you and my mom started. Like if you were to magnify my mom's concerns, like, my mom always thinks that like I'm a hair's breadth away from being homeless and like it. The irony being it does not matter how much money we have. Like, my mom's concerns are not tied to reality. That's what's very strange. And so if you started like echoing her like, oh my God, are you okay? Like that, that would be too much. So that's the only thing I can think of.

[A]

Like, it's funny because in the Greek culture I've seen Both sides where like the mother in law and the daughter in law, like they just are at it. Right. Like this is my family and I'm the matriarch.

[B]

Like I understood that side.

[A]

Yeah. Right. So that's what I'm saying. But sometimes you actually see it where yeah, the mum and the daughter in law team up and so it's kind of like, you know, the husband comes home or the son comes home and they kind of team up on him. Interesting.

[B]

Wow, that's really weird. But you and my mom don't do that.

[A]

No.

[B]

So. But you guys have a good relationship. So it's really. I would definitely say that's been a win for us. Yeah, for sure.

[A]

But I wonder if it's like people find they need an ally like of all the things like issues they have with their husband. Yeah, the mum understands, his mum gets it. But me and you, like, we talk through all our issues and we're always trying to resolve them. So like I would never turn to somebody else to have. Help me with an. With you.

[B]

Like very interesting.

[A]

If I need an out. Yeah. I would just deal with it myself. Okay, next question. Michelle Elderstein from Facebook. My boyfriend and I are moving in together early next year. I'm 34. He's the person I will marry. I'm certain of this. And he wants to get married. But I've lived with two guys in the past and it obviously didn't work out. I'm very close with my parents and they protected me. How do I make my parents comfortable that I'm moving in with a guy again? They love this, this one. And I've told them we're going to get married, but I still want to have a conversation with them to ease their worries. Any advice?

[B]

I mean, I certainly have my opinion, but what do you think? So why is she worried about easing their minds? Like the proof is in the pudding. So just let them know, hey, look, I understand. I've been to through two failed relationships, so I get it. I'm gonna go into this as open eyed as anybody else. You know, hopefully she understands what went wrong in those relationships and how she's taking a different trajectory this time and going to do things differently. And so. But look, I want you to know that I love him and he makes me feel better about myself when I'm around him. And so I'm very excited to be moving in with him. But you know, I'm not going to try to convince you not to be worried from historical reasons. I get it. Like statistically speaking you have reason to be worried. So as long as they're not like heckling her and she feels like she's gotta sort of talk them down. Yeah, I don't, like, even with my mom, I don't try to convince her not to worry about me. Like she just does worry about me. So it's like, okay, fair enough. I don't mind.

[A]

But I get it because from a female perspective, like I really do want my parents approval. And my mom, bless her, is always very supportive in pretty much anything I do. Like any crazy idea, my mom's like, you go, you know, Magoo. She calls me Magoo. You go Magoo. And you know, she just supports me. So I don't really feel like I have that with her as much as I do my dad. And I think it's because my dad doesn't approve of everything I do. And he's always got something to say and he's always got advice of why I'm doing something wrong. Out of love, of course. But I still find myself, in fact, here's a situation with my digestive system and you know, like my dad thinks everything I'm doing is wrong. I need to educate them.

[B]

Clown.

[A]

And that's, and that was. He's got a way of thinking traditional medicine, you need to go to a doctor, you need to get medication and. But I'm not doing that right. We're going through diets, going through more, would you call them holistic doctors, like figuring out functional. Thank you. And so my dad doesn't get that. So every time I talk to him, his opinion is, you're doing it wrong. And I, so I get the inclination to try and persuade them. And I did try to do that with my dad. And every time I would talk to my dad about my health and I'm finding myself persuading him. And I never win like ever trying to persuade him. And I never am never able to persuade him. And I get frustrated and I get upset. And you always saying to me, like, what is your goal? Like, you know, he's never gonna agree with the way you do it. So now you're just upsetting yourself every time. Instead, just accept that he doesn't agree, but it comes from love and he just wants to see you get better and you need to let go of that. So I kind of, I guess would give the same advice to her. Right. It's like, I get it. I totally understand why you want your parents to be on board. I get why she cares and I get why it's Important to her. So trying to persuade them, totally understand that instinct. But if it's like my family, the chances are you just making yourself more upset every time you try because they may go, huh, sure. Or, you know, so. So I get it. And then also, I'm just gonna say, you know, I think moving in together is a great step before you get married, so you can see what it's like with each other. You can see whether you're compatible. So I personally wouldn't, as much as I know the situation where I'm like, this is the man of my dreams. I want to marry him. I love him. Because I was absolutely like that with you. Getting a bit older now, I don't know if I'd ever put that stake in the ground until I'd moved in with you. Tested the waters, see if it is right. And I would be honest about that. Like, I. I really hope he's the man of my dreams. I really hope that you're the right one. And I feel like you are. And this will be a great test for me to know whether it's actually true or not. So, word.

[B]

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[A]

Ah, we got a would you rather segment. Love these. Would you Rathers? All right, guys, join in with us. As I read them out, put your comments in. Would you Rathers ask fans to play? Oh, ask fans to play along. Thank you. I did. Okay, number one, would you rather never celebrate Thanksgiving again or never celebrate Valentine's day again?

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Oh, I've got an easy one.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

Like that.

[B]

Yeah, so do I. And I think they might be different. I would rather never celebrate Valentine's Day.

[A]

Yeah, me too. So, guys, what about you? And the reason being is Thanksgiving to me, obviously. Being British, we never celebrated Thanksgiving, but it's our kickoff to Christmas.

[B]

It's like this four day extravaganza for you and I where we go crazy deep into Christmas. It's certainly a more extended romantic period because it is a very romantic time for us, which starts with, like our favorite Christmas song and we dance to it. And yes, it's always our kick on and then just like, totally soaking in the vibe of Christmas all four day weekend. And. Yeah, so it's become one of the most important weekends of the year for us.

[A]

Yeah, it really has. Like, we have these traditions that we always do, and it becomes like, it's so special.

[B]

It's next week.

[A]

It's next week. I know. So we go to Target with our Santa hats. I go in with my, like, Christmas leggings, and we just, like, load up the car. In fact, you bought me a whole bunch of Christmas sweaters, which I'm excited to see when they arrive.

[B]

Yeah, well, I've got a whole bunch of Christmas sweaters in my Amazon cart that I need to actually check out. Which reminds me, I'm. Now we're panicking on time here.

[A]

Yes, we are. But, yeah, like, I love that we indulge in, like, just the silliness of, like, the love we have for Christmas and that holiday. So, yeah, for us it's easy. But drop in the comments. What you guys would prefer. All right, next one. Would you rather have an arranged marriage or elope with someone you met last week?

[B]

Oh, yeah. I mean, for me, I'd rather elope with somebody I met last week. At least that is, I've got some inclination that I like them. It's not like the other person, you know either.

[A]

Yeah. So, yeah, I would too. Guys, I. Time. Next one. Would you rather have your entire family at your wedding and none of your partner's family or none of your family and your partner's entire family? Hate to say I'd rather my family.

[B]

Oh, man, that's. That's.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

Brutal. Yeah, I mean, I feel the same. Right. To not have my mom, dad, and sister there would be gnarly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But here's actually, you know what the truth is? I'd rather have your family because it would be so heartbreaking for you in a way that you would never really recover from. And I would. Would so like you having your dad walk you down the aisle. Like, all those things I think were just insanely, insanely important to you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it would have been brutally heartbreaking for me as well. But not on the same level.

[A]

Yeah. And just to address, like, we would have that talk because it's not like it'd be easy for either of us. Right. So we would say, like, what is meaningful to you? Why is it meaningful? And then I would say how I feel. And then we would just weigh, like, who would be more upset about it? And then we'd kind of go in that Direction. Both of us, we'd, like, agree. I don't think we'd ever just, like, push against each other. No, it's my family.

[B]

Definitely not.

[A]

I mean, even take our wedding, like, so there was 190 people on my side of the family and 10 people on your side.

[B]

These are real numbers.

[A]

Real numbers, yeah. Greek weddings are very big. Okay, last one. Is this. Yeah, last one. Would you rather have your mum ask every day why you aren't having kids, which happens, by the way we live

[B]

for, like, eight years.

[A]

Or have your mom tell you every day that you're your. That you're raising your kids wrong?

[B]

Oh, that seems really easy.

[A]

Yeah. I'd rather have my mom ask me every day.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

Telling me that I'm raising my kids wrong is like a dagger in the heart.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, even without kids, I can say that you can't help but wonder if you're raising your kids right. And so to have somebody heckling you like, oh, someone's always going to have

[A]

an opinion as well. Right? Like, do you spank your kids? Do you not?

[B]

I'm glad we don't have to answer that question, because I will tell you right now that I got spanked and I'm grateful for it.

[A]

And.

[B]

And now, like, Child protective Services, I think that's madness. Like, I don't think you should beat your kids. I think you should spank them.

[A]

But that's another thing that we've actually had. We don't. We don't even have kids. And we've already discussed all of that. Yeah, we've already discussed how we would raise our kids if we were to have one. I think. I think even conversations like that just help you establish where each other's minds at. Like, how they handle situations.

[B]

Right. As we would be if we spanked our kids now. I mean, the times have changed.

[A]

Yeah, but look, they're my kids, and I get it.

[B]

And I be sure to tell the judge that when you're trying to get them back from Child protective Services. I'm telling you, the world has changed. There's no more spanking. Not in California. In Southern California. Forget it.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

If you touched your kids and somebody saw it, even if it was in your home, you are in real trouble. Real trouble, homie.

[A]

Maybe we're moving back to Europe.

[B]

Changed. It has changed. We're not having kids, so thankfully, we don't have to worry about.

[A]

That's true. But we do talk about every little detail like that. Like, even with our puppies. In fact, we Had a discussion today. I got a little upset today.

[B]

You did? You wound up. I was surprised.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Because here's the thing. I forgot her yesterday. Yesterday. So Wookie barks. Our little baby girl, she barks a lot. We're trying to train her, keep training her.

[B]

We trained her quite well. And she was all but silent.

[A]

And over time, it's got.

[B]

Yeah, from some

[A]

say me, I'm trying not to raise my stress level. So if she barks, I try not to escalate.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So I try to ignore it.

[B]

Barking more.

[A]

So anyway, so now she's now barking a little more. And so yesterday I locked her up because she barked. So I put her in and think she cowers now, which breaks my heart. So literally, she cowers when she barks

[B]

because she knows she's gonna get locked up.

[A]

Right. So I locked her up and then I forgot about her.

[B]

Not for like a day. You forgot about it for like 40 minutes.

[A]

It was about an hour. I feel so bad, you know, So I felt so guilty. So this morning she barked and you said, baby, I'm cooking. Can you go put her away? So initially, my heart already broke. And so I locked her up. And I had said to you, can you let her out in 10 minutes? Because I need to go up and get ready. Ready. An hour later, I come back down.

[B]

Not true. 40 minutes, but.

[A]

And she's still locked up. So I got upset. And so that's actually one thing where it's like, well, let's talk about it. Like, we have different parenting skills. I feel guilty. I don't want to feel guilty. Anyway, not to derail completely, but I think it's very important to have those discussions on how you're handling your children and be on the same page. Because we had said that even from the get go, if we were going to have kids, it's like, you never let your kids see that you guys aren't on the same page ever. And we said if we ever have disagreements on, like, how we raise our children or how we discipline them, like, you never have it in front of them.

[B]

Agreed.

[A]

All right, Got another question. This question is from Harley hall from Facebook. Hey, guys. I went with my girlfriend to her family party and got to meet their entire family. Based on their mindset and how they held themselves, the environment was just too toxic to be around. Now I'm questioning whether or not I want to be with the girl because I wouldn't want my child to come from a background like that or to ever enter the environment. That's Toxic. Is that fair to the girl or is that something that I should take into consideration?

[B]

Are they really early in the relationship, my girlfriend. Because there was a time where I felt like I was really analyzing whether you were the right person or not. And I think that you should do that. And if that's a meaningful thing and you're thinking, I don't really want my kids around this, that's all real. So, like, yeah, I could see that weighing into the decision.

[A]

But is she like that? Because if she's not like her family,

[B]

you can't help know that your kids are going to be around the grandparents. Then it's like, so just judging her for having grown up in that does not seem fair. But knowing that, like, hey, some percentage of that, like, my kids are going to want to know their grandparents, so they're going to be around that environment. Do I really want them to be around it? And maybe they need the help, help from the grandparents to help look after them and all that. So it's like, I get it. That's a real concern. Once I committed to you though, then it's like, stuff like that didn't even enter into it.

[A]

But let's say then you're not committed to me yet.

[B]

Yeah. Then I think just like, I had to really decide you got sick a lot and, oh, the like, all the signs were there by the way of your immune system. And unfortunately I didn't know enough to know what all that meant. So I could have helped you a very long time ago, but I really weighed, like, am I prepared to be a caretaker? Because I don't consider myself a very good caretaker. So am I prepared to be a caretaker as often as I'm going to have to be with this woman? Yes or no? And I really looked at that. And then something we've talked about here before. I was really traumatized by you destroying what I considered art and you guys. So we don't derail on this. You'll have to trust that she was right to do it it. But at the time, like, it really bothered me. And so I really thought about that. And so there were things that in the beginning weighed heavily and I really had to think, like, am I getting enough good stuff to outweigh this stuff? Which now they seem so ridiculous. And I am so glad that in the end I was like, yes, like, I get so much more great stuff from her than these things that detract. But I did think through them and I'm actually glad I thought through them. I didn't Go into it just bluntly, blindly. I really thought, like, when I commit to this person, like, I'm gonna be all in. So I need to really look at the things that give me pause.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if this is something that gives them pause and it's early in the relationship. Yeah. Should weigh it.

[A]

But I think I would ask the questions like, so is it far away or are they close? Because let's say with me and you, it's like, even if I thought your family toxic, where they live in Tacoma, so it's not like I'm hanging around with them all the time. I think that's important. And then also, if you really like the person, I wouldn't like, do they want. Do they think their family's toxic? Like, do they know? Because you're very honest about your family, about certain people, so it's very refreshing. So I don't have to tiptoe around you. You're very honest about it. So if she's honest about it, it's like, yeah, my family's a little toxic. I do love them though. But they are like this, okay, cool. Then you can use her as an ally. You can work together. You can be honest and say, hey, I don't want my kids. Kids. I don't want your mother or your father babysitting the kids all the time. Right. Things like that you can work around. So to judge your partner for things that you can work around, but you may not just be willing to do it or you just assume, I think doesn't help. I think you should ask these questions and figure out where they're coming from. But if they're like, oh, my God, I love my family, I want to come here every Sunday and my mum's going to look after the kids every day during the week, then I totally get it. Then it's a different perspective on how you want who you want your want your kids to be around. And that's only going to get worse as time goes on, not better. All right, next question. This is from Jeremy Sumner on Facebook. How would you handle your in laws if they're toxic people, yet your wife sticks up for them like they are absolute saints. I would have a problem with that.

[B]

Well, I mean, that just goes to what you were just saying, right? Which is if they get it and they're an ally and you can talk through it and they seem like totally rational about it, then all is well. But if they're like delusional in the exact opposite direction, that's a massive warning sign.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Agreed. It's just like if you're on different pages and she can't see them, I think I would have to.

[B]

And look, I'm not saying that's like, the make or break. I need to know a lot more about your relationship and how well you're able to communicate and all that, but. But it's a red flag, to be sure.

[A]

Yeah. And also, like, is she saying this Saints because she feels like. Because I used to feel like this. If I said something negative about someone in my family, I felt like it meant that I didn't love them.

[B]

I never had that.

[A]

No, but I did. And so I remember you were always so honest about everybody. And I was just like, I was so horrified at the beginning because you were like, oh, yeah, that person's crazy. I'm like, but that's your, you know, cousin or whatever. It's like, I can't believe you just said that about someone in your family. But. But over time, I realized it didn't mean you didn't love them. You adored them, you know, but you were just honest about who they were. So I think that that may be like, is she. Is she just, like. She doesn't want to show that she thinks badly of them in a certain way because you have to be either all in or not. So. Yeah, I don't know that situation. So. All right, we've got some fan shout outs. Shout outs go to Dana Oulette from Quebec. Keshev and Bonsai apparently wants his own shout out where he's come to daddy for rescue. Yeah. Keshev Jav from India. Wow. Quebec and India. Thank you guys for watching. All right, next question. This comes from Harris. Salim. Hey, Tom. I'm a doctor, and in my culture, doctors unfortunately reverse revere. Thank you. As gods, especially amongst women, how do I hide or make my profession not hinder the girl's reasons to marry me?

[B]

When he said unfortunately, I was like, wait, unfortunately? Women think that you're like the bee's knees.

[A]

Like, question keeps going. I want her to. I want her to marry and love her for who I am as a person. Sorry. I want her to marry me. Me and love me for who I am as a person, not my net worth or how much I earn. Thanks.

[B]

Yeah. Look, if you had to marry somebody after a week, I get it. That's a real concern. You don't know why people are originally going to be around you. But, like, if you let me spend three weeks with somebody, it would not take me that long. But let's just say if you let me spend three weeks with somebody, like, in unguarded situations, there's no universe in which I can. They can't suss out what their real motives are, so.

[A]

Well, what would you look for? Let's get more tactical.

[B]

Well, if you want tactics, it's not so much what I'm looking for as what I would ask and do and all of that. So it's really trying to get them to reveal themselves, to find out what their value system is. Also watching for what are the things that they gravitate towards? Like, if I take them to cheap, dumpy restaurants, are they weird about it or. And are they, like, bugging me? Yes. Which I know you're laughing because that's exactly where I took you, but I was poor, so we didn't really have a lot of options, but. And that did tell me something about you, by the way, because you didn't bat an eyelash. Now inside you were cringing and how messy I was and all that, but we really connected. But, you know, asking, like, finding out if you're fascinated by that person, find out who they are, what they're about, what are the things that they love, what are, like, what are their hobbies, habits, routines, like, who are they as a human being? You know what I mean? Like, at the end of the day, so let's say, God forbid something happened to you. I fully understand that my net worth is one of the best things that I have going for me in terms of getting candidates in the door. Right. So not weird about that. Then it becomes, who's this person?

[A]

Candidates. Is these dates.

[B]

Yeah, candidates to, like, be your wife or significant other. That's literally how I'd look at it as well, so. But then it's about really getting to know them. So I'm going to be asking them a lot of questions about who they are, because I want to find out who they are, what they're about, what lights them on fire, what are they passionate about, what are they excited about to find out? Like, am I just going to enjoy being around them? I'm looking for things like excitability. Do they get passionate about things? How do they value themselves? What are. What is their value system? So is appearances a big deal for them? You know what I mean? Mean? And so if they're like that, then if they line up in my value system in being excitable and that they're going to be a lot of fun, that they make me feel good about myself, then I'm all for it, you know, even if they were originally drawn to me because of who I am and the net worth and all that stuff. Right. So I think money's awesome. So the fact that I wouldn't judge somebody if they also thought money's awesome and they were like, oh my God, I'm so excited that xyz. So it comes down to his ability to figure out if they're interesting, they're going to be fun, they're going to make him feel better about himself. That, you know, if they're really revealing who they are as a person or they're just angling. And I see people that I think, can you not tell, like this person, it's the status symbol that they're really into more than you. That just seems crazy, but that's like very obvious to me.

[A]

But what's interesting is as a female, I've got a different perspective on that.

[B]

Let's hear it. It.

[A]

I wouldn't tell a guy like, let's say God forbid something happened to you. I wouldn't tell a guy like where I my net worth or anything like that.

[B]

Would you go out of your way to hide it? Would you lie?

[A]

No, I'd never lie because the first

[B]

thing never do is look you up. So you'd have to lie.

[A]

Why would I have to lie?

[B]

Because the second you say my name is Lisa Bilyeu, they go to Google, drop in Lisa Billyu and they apparently Internet's ruined everything. I mean, also they just go to your IG page. In fact, if you're not already following her, LisaBillew on Instagram.

[A]

Thank you, baby.

[B]

But for real, like these days, because you've chosen to step forward, you do a fucking weekly show filmed in your house. Like it's not exactly hard for people to figure out who you are.

[A]

I had this answer like 10 years ago and I was so confident in it, I never readdressed the question. And now that you make all these

[B]

and that your answer is you wouldn't tell, but you don't think that they would find out. So you would have to lie, but they wouldn't lie. Yeah, them days is over.

[A]

The funny thing is I don't know if, if I'd ever even think about looking somebody up. Like Google them and I'm. I'm showing my age old lady look,

[B]

she just made a face like. So here's the thing. If something happens to me, will you please look after her? Because Jesus, she needs to look people up. That's crazy.

[A]

I may look them up on like Instagram, but I wouldn't think to Google them. Have you ever googled yourself?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Have you?

[B]

Of course. What are you talking about? Like, as. Yeah. As an owner of a company, you need to know what the sentiment is. Okay, so definitely.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. All right, so going back to this guy's question, so would you. Would you suggest he hides his profession or no?

[B]

No. I think he just needs to get good at sussing out who these people are. Like, what are their real motives? Like, spend time with them. Spend time, get to know them. Like, find out who they really are. People can hide themselves, but not for very long. So get them talking. If he's doing all the talking, he's never going to learn what he needs to learn. When. When you speak, you cannot help but reveal yourself. So get them talking.

[A]

It's good night. All right, guys, well, we're out of time. That wraps up for our holiday in law special for next week.

[B]

Man, I am super excited about the holidays. I think you. I hope you guys are as well. This is such an amazing and beautiful time to reflect, to be grateful. All of that, like this was a lot of fun. This, this is sort of like inching me towards the. The holiday season, which next week we will be kicking off strong. So thank you guys for joining us for this, which was a lot of fun. If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And if you haven't started following this woman on Instagram, go dig on it. I love her feed. All right, guys, until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.

[A]

Bye. Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

[B]

Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to stitcher rate and review us. That helps us build this community and that is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. Alright guys, thank you. Thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary.

[A]

Take care.