Identifying Your Partner's Selfish Desires | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu (Replay)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Impact Theory with Tom & Lisa Bilyeu

Episode: Identifying Your Partner's Selfish Desires (Replay)
Date: February 24, 2024
Host: Tom Bilyeu
Co-host: Lisa Bilyeu

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Overview

In this engaging episode, Tom and Lisa Bilyeu broadcast live from their vacation in French Polynesia, delving deeply into how couples can identify and honor their own "selfish desires" within a relationship. They discuss practical ways to implement rules of engagement that balance personal fulfillment with partnership harmony. The episode features lively Q&A with listeners, offering advice on how to navigate work-life balance, remain connected as a couple, and communicate openly about needs—even when those needs seem self-centered.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Power of "Selfish Desire"

Timestamp: [01:00–08:15]

• What is ‘selfish desire’?
  Tom and Lisa describe “selfish desire” as the honest admission of what each person truly wants, with the upfront agreement that neither partner will take offense. This prevents the passive, “I dunno, what do you want to do?” loop that many couples fall into.
• Practical Application:
  • Lead with your own desire: “Here’s what I want to do...” instead of “What do you want to do?”
  • Don’t judge or take offense at the other’s wish.
  • Blend desires where possible; when not possible, ensure both get their time.

Quote:

“You literally have an agreement that everyone is going to say their selfish desire. So what do you want to do? What do I want to do? And then it doesn’t mean that you’re going to do either person’s selfish desire. But then at least you know what people actually want to do.”
—Tom Bilyeu [02:33]

Memorable Moment:
Lisa reveals that her “selfish desire” is tanning in the sun, while Tom’s is reading—so they find a way to sit together, each fulfilling their own wish ([07:00]).

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2. Rules of Engagement: Vacation Edition

Timestamp: [08:07–08:15]; [23:26–24:12]

• They notice how their rules—especially "selfish desire"—ensure both partners have a satisfying vacation, despite different sleep and workout schedules.
• Tom admits to buying 12 books for the trip, and Lisa recounts how understanding and supporting your partner’s "why" (even if it's buying many books!) strengthens the relationship.

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3. How to Stay Connected When Busy

Timestamp: [09:03–14:38]
Q: How do you make sure to connect each week amidst busy schedules? (Question from Daniel Breeze)

• Structured vs. Informal Connection:

  • Early in their relationship, they enforced a strict “date night” due to Tom’s work schedule; now, their time together is less formal but still consistent.
  • Building something (like a business) together creates shared context and default togetherness.

• Being Proactive:

  • Lisa advises planning ahead and having honest conversations about upcoming busy periods so neither partner feels neglected.
  • Tom emphasizes alignment on core values, especially work ethic and ambition.

Quote:

“Try not to get to the stage where you feel like you’ve let her down… If you can find a way where she doesn’t feel neglected, even though he’s working that hard…have that discussion so you don’t get to that point.”
—Lisa Bilyeu [13:13]

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4. The Importance of Selection and Values

Timestamp: [14:28–18:43]

• The couple stresses that core compatibility—understanding and agreeing on values like ambition and independence—is foundational to relationship success.
• Tom shares how he benefited from choosing a partner whose family background helped her understand and accept his intense work needs.

Quote:

“One of the best things I ever did was pick a woman who had a father who worked a lot. You have always been insanely understanding about the amount that I work.”
—Tom Bilyeu [14:38]

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5. Rituals of Reconnection

Timestamp: [18:43–20:44]; [50:21–51:49]

• Weekly (or biweekly) check-ins are crucial to prevent drifting apart.
• Lisa describes a special ritual: listening to special songs together under the stars, showing that bonding needn’t be elaborate.

Quote:

“I need to make sure that hopefully every week…and sometimes we slip up because we’re so busy, but at least probably once every two weeks that I have my reconnection with you.”
—Lisa Bilyeu [44:43]

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6. Work, Play, Rest: Finding Harmony over Balance

Timestamp: [20:44–28:01]

• Tom describes the intensity of how he works so he can fully relax while on vacation—no guilt, just harmony.
• He and Lisa compare their attitudes toward unplugging, rest, and workout routines while traveling.

Memorable Moment:
Lisa laughs about being excited to try new workout equipment, even on vacation ([26:40]), highlighting their different but respected personal routines.

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7. Why We Listen to Strangers More Than Partners

Timestamp: [28:16–33:41]

Q: Why is it easier to take advice from Tom Bilyeu than one’s own spouse?

• Lisa recounts a story where Tom’s compliment about her shoes had less impact than a stranger’s praise. They explain it’s human nature; outside voices are perceived as more objective and agenda-free.
• Advice: Acknowledge when your spouse was right, even if the advice “landed” after hearing it elsewhere.

Quote:

“You have the hardest time impacting those closest to you... But acknowledging that, where it’s like...I really want you to know, hearing it from an outside perspective really helped me get clarity on it. But I want to acknowledge that that was exactly what you told me to do.”
—Tom Bilyeu [30:25]

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8. Openness and Honesty: Are There Any Secrets?

Timestamp: [34:17–44:51]

• Question: Is there anything you haven’t told each other, or prefer not to know?
• Both are adamant about honest communication, even (or especially) about difficult or trivial matters.
• Tom shares a playful story about going out at 3:30 am in the rain to save patio heaters, choosing not to mention it for credit, but realizing even small secrets cause a subtle disconnect.
• Lisa recounts the “shirt story,” emphasizing that honesty—even when it stings—is foundational for trust.

Quote:

“You have to be honest to feel connected yourself...that little secret makes you feel weird.”
—Tom Bilyeu [42:34]

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9. Upbringing, Parents, and Relationship Patterns

Timestamp: [45:05–49:51]

• Q: How did Tom’s relationship with his mom affect his romantic relationship?
• Tom credits his mother’s tough love and emotional support for shaping the values he applies in marriage.
• Lisa adds how Tom’s mom’s advice (“make sure your wife is your number one”) set a positive precedent for in-law relationships and marriage dynamics.

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10. Understanding Each Other’s Nature

Timestamp: [53:54–55:42]

• The couple discuss how Lisa’s higher neuroticism versus Tom’s calmness under stress helps them balance each other during tense moments—whether it’s sharks in the ocean or life’s big crises.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• "Selfish desire is huge. One thing I’ve been trying is...instead of asking what’s your selfish desire, I just say here’s what I want. The clarity just makes things so easy."
  —Tom Bilyeu [05:36]

• "You can’t judge someone by a memory of something...So I’m not going to test him on the shirt. I’m just going to point it out because otherwise I’m going to be sitting here all night."
  —Lisa Bilyeu, on communication [39:11]

• "When you put something on and you really take my breath away, I need you to know I’m being sincere."
  —Tom Bilyeu [41:02]

• "Music can bring out that romantic emotion. Just little things...find ways to connect on a unique level with your partner."
  —Lisa Bilyeu [50:54]

• "Holding your hand and feeling like I was taking care of you underwater, that was really romantic."
  —Tom Bilyeu on snorkeling together [53:42]

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Listener Q&A (with Timestamps)

• [09:03] Daniel Breeze: How do you make sure to connect each week when busy?
• [28:16] LK Elliott: Why is it easier to take advice from Tom than from my husband?
• [34:19] Corey G.: Do you keep anything from each other?
• [45:05] My Vibe: Tom, how did your relationship with your mother influence your romantic life?

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Tone & Language

Throughout the episode, Tom and Lisa maintain a candid, humorous, and empathetic tone. They’re transparent about their challenges and quirks, modeling the kind of open communication and understanding they advocate.

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Final Thoughts

Tom and Lisa’s “selfish desire” principle and commitment to brutal (but compassionate) honesty are at the core of their successful relationship. The episode serves as both an inspiring and practical guide for anyone striving to nurture authentic connection—while staying true to themselves.

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For more insights, tune in to the full episode or check out further resources at Impact Theory.

Transcript

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[Tom Bilyeu]

You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory. Hello. Hello. Live from our vacation, here we are in French Polynesia, which is amazing. And what we wanted to talk about are rules of engagement. But being on vacation and just spending a massive amount of time trying to coordinate two different people what they want to do, we realized that we fall right into rhythm with all of our rules of engagement. So we wanted to start with that. I'm actually trying a new technique, I guess. So one of so we have this technique that we use is called selfish desire. And I cannot tell you how powerful, by the way. Alex Springer, Impact Sub. Welcome to the feed. It's all about those Impact subs. That's huge for us. So selfish desire is a way that I We're both pleasers. We want to make the other person happy. We come from families of pleasers. So what we found was whenever we were trying to do something, we would inevitably get stuck in the what do you want to do? I don't know. What do you want to do? Ed, you drove me nuts.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Or you think you're doing something for somebody else like, oh, he wants to do this and then you realize he actually doesn't really want to, but you.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And you thought you were doing something so cool. And they were trying to please you. So they don't say that they don't want to do it. So it becomes a nightmare. What is up? Tatiana in the house. Good to see you again. So that is. That has served us insanely well. Again, it's called selfish desire. And you literally have an agreement that everyone is going to say their selfish desire. So what do you want to do? What do I want to do? And then it doesn't mean that you're going to do either person's selfish desire. But then at least you know what people actually want to do, which.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And the key is you can't take offense to some. What that person's selfish desire is. So if it's something that is completely alone, like, I don't want to be with you. I want to go. Which is yours. I want to read. Right. Which is very isolated. It's, you know, completely without me. But I don't take offense to it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You can sit with me if you want.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, that's very kind of you.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I would even read out loud to you if you were into it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Would you really?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, like, if that meant we could share the book and you weren't gonna whinge out on me. Like, I'd whinge out on you 20 minutes in. Yeah. And then I'm, like, stuck. Cause I can't read the book. Cause you're like, oh, well, wait for me. So to give you guys an idea, I've almost finished. I don't know. It's gotta be deep. Three hundreds, 380 pages or something like that. And I'm probably in the last 10 PA pages. And you've read. Have you finished the first page of your book yet?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I think I might finish the first page.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wow. All right. So you're crushing it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So our selfish desires was you wanted to read, like, that's his thing. Like, on vacation. It's my time to read. I really want to, like, dive in. So how many books did you buy?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Probably about 12.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

12 books, guys.

[Tom Bilyeu]

12 books now. Not thinking that I was going to finish them. I know that. But to pick it. So I normally read, like, say, one and a half books. I'm way over that pace now, which is amazing. And don't feel like I've allocated a lot more time to it, which is fascinating. Need to think about how that's worked out, but I need to, like, read the first, like, few pages of many books to figure out, like, which one's really going to have that vibe. Because there's a certain kind of book I want to read. Anyway, we're derailing so rules of engagement. Going back to that that selfish desire is huge. One thing that I've been trying is on this, and I think it's worked really well is instead of even leading with like what's your selfish desire? Which would already put the onus on you, I'm saying here's what I want to do. Like this, I would rather do this. I would like when you came back. So she just got back from her workout. Even on vacation we have very different sleep schedules. So I sleep a lot less than she does, which means that I go to the gym earlier than you do. And that was something in vacations past that actually bothered me because I felt like it was just waiting for you to get up before I would go work out. And then I hate working out so much. If I don't do it right away, it's 10x more painful. So I've gone to the gym immediately. You came back and what I said was I would rather go immediately to get breakfast before we film and then come back and get ready. And you said, well, I'd rather get

[Lisa Bilyeu]

ready because yeah, we had, just for context, we had about an hour between by the time I got back from working out to us coming live. Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So rather than like even. And I feel like it's a bit of a level up because rather than forcing us into the like, what do you want to do? Even if it's using selfish desire, which is incredibly useful, just lead with this is what I want. And I think that the clarity of that just makes things so easy. There's no like hemming and hawing. And also quite frankly, it forces me to get specific, what do I really want? And once I'm specific about that, to not just like say, hey, here it is. And you know, so to your earlier point, the other person shouldn't judge what you want to do. It's not meant as an offense. But then also that we have enough history that you don't think I'm saying this is the way it's gotta be.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It's like I think if so anyone puts their foot down, it just makes you feel like you're not part of that decision. And now it's not a 5050 partnership. But we also try to blend our selfish desires if we can. So he said like his reading books. And so that will be, I guess, like if you didn't read on your vacation, you'd be disappointed, I'd be mortified. And I think Understand. And I think understanding the level of how much that means to you is really important because do you know that

[Tom Bilyeu]

maybe why I go on vacation at this point other than to spend time with you, which obviously is party number one. But beyond that, like locations and stuff like that, if I get a read, like if it's warm and I get to read, I'm good.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And that's why like even with when you order 12 books. So literally for like what the last week and a half or two weeks, packages were just coming in from Amazon where it was book off the book after book. And at one point you actually turned around. You're like, you didn't really apologize, but you're like, thank you for being understanding about ordering. And I think it's just really understanding your partner and finding out what is really important to him and then being supportive about that. So like, if you wanted to buy 30 books, I know how meaningful that is to you. So for me to sit there and moan about wasting money and what are you doing? Like that just makes you feel bad about something that you're really. That you really want. So. But yeah. So we had the whole discussion. What is his self desire? My selfish desire is sitting in the sun. Tanning. Like nice and simple. So we try to structure our day. Sometimes it was like, oh, okay, this shade over here. Because you have to be in the shade. The shade over here and this sun here. So we'll lie next to each other. You're getting your selfish desire by being. By being able to read in the shade. I'm getting my selfish desire by tanning. And we kind of blend the two. If we. We can. But if we can't, it still is important to make sure you have that time to do it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, 100. So those are selfish desire. I think is one of our most potent.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Rules of engagement. So I think that's a good one to start with. Do you see any? I see like a bunch of stuff coming through. I don't know if you see.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Well, I'm we. I'm doing it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You're still getting things slacked. Are we live with the crew back home?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Of course we are.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's amazing. Wow.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You've the little faith.

[Tom Bilyeu]

What is up Impact theory team? We missed you.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

My boy Chase is over there slacking me.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice. I can actually picture. I wonder if he's sitting where he normally sits. I guess he wouldn't have to because he doesn't need eyeline, but. Sup guys? So, yeah. All right. So all right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So we've Got a question from Daniel Breeze.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Hey, Daniel. Daniel Breeze. Dude, Daniel Breeze, you are amazing, man. Thank you for being such a part of this community. He also has slid into the DMs over on IG, so we go back and forth from time to time. So mad respect. Just super grateful for all your engagement, man. Thank you.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, so Daniel Breeze says, love this topic. Girlfriend and I got into an argument yesterday because I haven't been able to give her much attention recently. I want to take her away to show my appreciation for her being patient. While I've had to work a lot lately. How do you guys make sure to connect each week? How structured is that time for you?

[Tom Bilyeu]

You want me to take that one? So we. We used to be very formal about date night. So that was, like, a big thing. And when I was working, like, just, like, I work a lot now, but honestly, like, when I was really trying to, like, get something going, I had so much anxiety about not working that, like, I don't have anxiety about not working anymore, so. Because I leave it all out on the field, like, I'm not tense about it, but I used to have real anxiety because I was like, am I ever going to make this work? Like, am I ever going to figure this out? Am I ever going to crack the nut? So I was really, really, like, tense about not not working. And during that time, I think it was good that we said. And it changed. Like, for a while it was Friday nights and then it was Saturday nights, but we always had some time where it was, like, we knew that we were going to not really play with phones back then, but, like, we were going to not do whatever the equivalent of that was. We weren't just going to sit and watch tv. We weren't going to read. You know, it was going to be, like, we were really going to be together. And that was super critical. And this was back when you always wanted to go out of the house, so it was, like, legitimately a date. So we would go out to a restaurant. And even though, like, back then I was so tired from working all the time and I did not want to be going out, like, understanding how meaningful that was to you, and so make sure that we made that time. Now, I would say that we actually spend more time together on the weekends than we used to, but it's much less formal. And over time, I think we've gotten really. I'm surprised you're looking at.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

No, you're right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. I mean, you're right. I was just, like, kind of Processing.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It's interesting. Like you normally beat me to the punch and stuff like that. Like all the time.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, because I think, I guess, like, we never used to play video games together, so there's that element.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I totally understand your look now. The patterns are so obvious to you that it probably still feels somewhat formal, which to me is like if you were to rewind and go. We play video games at the same time virtually every day and we have one.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It does feel very informal to me because.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I'm sorry, it's like it's all a

[Lisa Bilyeu]

surprise because I'm thinking every Sunday we wake up, we work, I normally do reviews, and then your sister comes over at 11 o' clock and by 12 we're playing video games.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Like, very true, very true.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It feels very structured.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But yeah, it doesn't to me at all. Such is the wonder of having my brain. I think it's all a surprise. Uh, so, yeah, so we still get all the time at. What we've done, really well over time is doing more and more things together. So obviously working together is a huge deal. And that has real. And. And the important part about working together isn't so much that we're getting more time together because time at work oftentimes is very stressful. What it is is that we are. We have the same goal, we have the same focus. So in having the same goals, in building something together, it's just your universe is the same, like all of those sort of default things that you obsess over and think a lot about. You share all of that. So there's like. I remember it used to really, really bother you that something would be going on at work and I wouldn't tell you about it because, like, it just like they didn't line up. You weren't at work. I was. I didn't even think about it. It wasn't like, oh, I was keeping something from you. Just like, God, by the time I got home, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about work. So in fact, I would say it's the harder thing for us is not just always talking about it. And so having time where we actually delineate. All right, we don't. We're not talking about work stuff right now. That was a big battle at the beginning of Quest. Oh my God. Like, because I'm so good at compartmentalizing, like, there were times it would drive me nuts that you just talk about work all the time. All the time. So finally I was like, there are work free moments. So that was a Very long answer to Daniel.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But the one thing I would say to Daniel is try not to get it to the stage where you feel like you've let her down or that you've just been so unattentive to her that you have to then take her away. I think taking away is lovely. But if you can find a way where she doesn't feel neglected, even though he's working that hard. Right. And that's one thing. Going back to selfish desire and just planning ahead. So if she knows, for instance, that. Or if, you know, like, oh, my God, I've got two weeks where I'm working really hard and I'm barely going to get to see her, sit down with her and go over there like, look, babe, we've got two weeks. I'm going to be pretty much not there. Like, what is going to be meaningful for me to help you, help us to get through these two weeks? Is it loving Texas? Is it making sure that we spend one hour together before we go to bed on a Friday night? Or like, kind of have that discussion so that you don't get to that point? And that's one thing that I think that we do a lot is at least for me, you're kind of not, as, I think, aware of how I think I'm going to feel. Well, I guess technically, yeah, you know, as aware how I'm going to feel two or three weeks down the line if I feel neglected. So we've made it a point to really have that discussion pretty much every week.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, that's interesting. So that's not how it feels from my perspective. And I would give very different advice. And my advice goes something like, this selection is everything.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And one of the best things that I ever did was pick a woman who had a father who worked a lot. And so you have always been insanely understanding about the amount that I work. And, like, this is one of those things that probably didn't mean much to you at the time. But I won't get specific about who it was. I don't know why, but something tells me not to. But we had somebody over at the house. And the way that our apartment was structured back then, there was like a downstairs and upstairs, but there were no walls. And I was singing and you guys were trying to watch tv, and I just, like, I was headphoned up, and I happened to be like, you know, you sing like, little snippets here and there or whatever to the song, and

[Lisa Bilyeu]

you say little snippets. You're singing all the time, the whole song.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I mean, sure, I'm by far, I'm not a singer, but I remember you later telling me, like they had said, will you please ask him to stop? And you said, he works so hard. Like, if that's what helps him put in all this time, I'm never going to ask him to stop. And I was like, that meant so much to me that, like, you recognize how hard I was working and why I was doing it. So I would say you need to have a real frank conversation about what work ethic is to you, what you're trying to accomplish. Because when you said, hey, babe, I'm gonna work like two weeks and to be all soft shoeing that, get the out of here. Like, baby, I'm going to work for the next 12 years like a demon and are you going to be okay? Like, people hit me up in DMS all the time and they're like, man, I've been working for like, you know, nine months and it's really not happening. And my friends, like, they all have good jobs now and like, like, what are your motivating words to get me through this? And my motivating words are, you may have just realized that this isn't for you and go get a nine to five and punch in and punch out like that. If that's the life that makes you happy, that is the life that you should pursue. And so like, for instance, let me speak to your girlfriend for a minute. If you don't want to be with a guy that works all the time like that, and you would much rather like a simple life where you can have every weekend, just like all kinds of time devoted, that he comes home at 6 o' clock and that you guys have three or four hours a night, every night to spend time together and you don't need him to be ambitious, then you're with the wrong guy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, but you don't, as a woman, you don't want to be neglected. Like, I would not be in this relationship if you neglected me for 12 years.

[Tom Bilyeu]

100%. You let me neglect you for six. But six and a half.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But you, tongue in cheek, you joke about that you were working very hard for six years, like endlessly. But I still made sure that we had time together and that I was getting what I personally need out of that relationship. So she needs to figure out what she personally needs out of that relationship. And if, then you can align. Awesome. If you can't, then like you said, selection is everything. And maybe you're not right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, I just want to make sure that people really hear that 100%. You gave me the keys of the kingdom. You told me what you needed to feel, like, paid attention to and all that. But I will just say I have had other women in my life for whom the amount of attention that they needed, I was never going to give them. There's just only so many hours in the day. So if they had needed or. Sorry, if you had needed that level of attention, like, it just. It never would have worked.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So it's like, once you agree on, like, those core values, and we'll say ambition is incredibly important. Like, you find. In fact, we were just talking about, like, as you've changed, like, what you find sexy changes. And you said yesterday that, like, power is something that you find way more attractive than you did when we first got together. And thank God because I had none of it. But that, to me, is fascinating. Right. And so being real about what it is that you find sexy, a turn on, like, to. To be. Okay. Right. And so ambition is a huge thing in our relationship. But at the same time, your point is so critical. Like, once you have that, then it's like, okay, what are the things that we're going to agree on? What are the. Like, what are the ways that I need to be paid attention to or how are we going to.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Deal with that?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Because I know it's dangerous. Like, if we get to a point where it's been one or two months where we haven't connected, like, you hear a lot of the time where people aren't connected and then they go away on a vacation. Right. Or they go away to then try and regroup. But how often are you actually going to be able to do that? Couple of times a year, if that. And at least for me, our relationship, like, I need to make sure that every. Hopefully every week. And sometimes we sleep out because we're so busy, but at least probably once every two weeks that I have my reconnection with you. And we're very, I think, aware of not making. Not letting it go for two, three months because that one reconnection, I don't know, then you kind of split apart again. Like, I kind of always want to on a weekly basis, be that, like, kind of joint with our vision, at least of what we're doing and that emotional connection. All right. Daniel Breeze replied. This is amazing. I'm very happy we're both watching right now. Thank you both. Sometimes I feel like I'm hogging your time. Not at all. Thank you for the amazing questions. We love them. And the funny thing is, even yesterday. So we went out for dinner yesterday and we were talking. We're like, like we always ask each other questions and like, sometimes you write like pre planned questions. Would you rather. So that when we're sitting at dinner we've got, like, topics to talk about. And I even said to Tom, I was like, oh, we should go on, like old relationship theory episodes and pull up questions that we actually just talk about because we're always learning new things. So, yeah, please keep the questions coming. Do not apologize for that. All right, so we've got a question from Kelly Foss. Good for you for keeping on your exercise and work routine while on vacation. You seem very plugged in. Are you taking a day to unplug, possibly sleep in and do things you wouldn't usually do? To break away and perhaps gain new perspective? I'm sure the impactivists, including myself, are happy you aren't missing today's episode.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, it's interesting. So I would say that for me, 90 of my time here is so atypical. So first of all, when. And this, this is something that I hope people really hear because I play so hard. And when we're at home and in like, the normal routine of the business, I am literally trying to bleed to death on the field. Like, I'm just trying to leave it all out there. To not have any regrets, to not have pulled punches, work long, hard and smart. Right? Like that. Just every day, every day, every day I am trying to, like, milk that out of myself. So when I'm on vacation, I have absolutely no guilt about ignoring something. Now, that doesn't mean that like yesterday. So hey, for anybody that wants to help. And by the way, if this content is adding value, be sure to share it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, God.

[Tom Bilyeu]

We have a clip right now that's going viral. One of our Goggins clips. Somebody else took it, edit it, put some music to it, and put it up. And it's got how many?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like, I haven't checked this morning, but

[Tom Bilyeu]

Last million, like 4 million millions of views. So that's obviously awesome. We're super excited about that. And so there was a lot of activity around that yesterday, so. And yep, totally, I'll engage in it. But then at the same time, like, at some point it was like, it was sort of a lull in the conversation. And so I just put my phone in the other room and, like, didn't think about it, wasn't paying attention to it. Like, and that to me is Absolutely fine. And do I know that that means that there are missed opportunities? Of course. But like, you know, you talk very eloquently with the idea that you got from Lisa Nichols that at the end of the day you're not looking for balance, you're looking for harmony. So it's like when, like if there's. And this is what we talk about

[Lisa Bilyeu]

when she said that, it was like one of those earthquake moments for me.

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[Tom Bilyeu]

And when we were coming here, one of the things that we agreed on was if you want to work, work, just make sure it's something that you enjoy. Make sure it's a part of work that you enjoy. So like I'm still going and answering comments. I'm still posting socially because I love that like engaging with the community I legitimately enjoy. I love doing relationships theory, all of our live stuff. Like it is always the highlight of my week. Absolutely love it. So doing this stuff is fun. The workout 100% I still hate more than you can imagine. But I found it really interesting and I'm not sure where I fall on this yet. I've been really, really into fat loss for like the last call it three months. It was right around the Goggins episode is and literally coincidental because it was about getting summer ready.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh 6.3 million that wow.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So it's just climbing, climbing, climbing which is utterly fantastic and mad shout out to the team back home we have become the viral hit makers. Like I'm just about it. Full respect to those gu. So that is like working out on vacation has become me earning my food and this is something by the way, mad shout out to this guy named Yemeni Mesa. I love one of my absolute dearest friends. Just an amazing human being. Yeah. Super good dude. Follow him socially. Keto head. Keto head, if I'm not mistaken, on ig. And he talks about, like, earning your food, and I love that idea. And so that's something that, while on vacation, like, I'm way looser on my diet. I drink alcohol when we're traveling, which normally, like, I don't touch it. So working out has given me a sense like, yeah, I'm earning it. And also, I'm not doing nearly as much. I may still be break even with my physique, which is very exciting for me. I don't know yet if this will be a forever way of doing things, because I've worked out way more on this trip than I normally would. In fact, I've done. I don't normally work when we're back home. I don't work out on the weekends at all. And I even did, for me, relatively hardcore cardio both Saturday and Sunday, which was very atypical for me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I find it harder to let go than you.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Is it letting go, though? You actually enjoy working out?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Well, I'm talking about work, I guess.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So work itself. I feel so obligated to our team to, like. I just feel like I'm letting people down if I disappear.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And they would love it if you disappear. No, but really. Right. Because then it's like, all right, they can just focus on all the things they want.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, no, you're right. But, yeah, I just. I find it much harder to let go of work, things like that. But with working out, I love working out so much, and during the week, I kind of, like, have to squish it in. So, like, what's the time? Okay, I've got, like, an hour to work out. Okay. Run to the gym. Workout quickly. Run in the shower. Because I know those little things of, like, working out is gonna give me the joy, but I'm still rushing through it. On vacation, I'm like. I get to, like, walk leisurely to the gym. I get to experiment with new equipment, which I love. Like, today I was like, punching on a punching bag. Don't have a punching bag at home. So I was like, I'll give it a shot.

[Tom Bilyeu]

By the way, your optimism is unending, because. So she went to the gym over the weekend, which I didn't. I just ran, which I haven't run since. I guess I ran once, like, when we first moved into 75th street, which

[Lisa Bilyeu]

is like, is it a Monday or is it a Tuesday?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, I mean, a long time ago. Great point. That's remind us to tell you.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But yeah, we joke about like when someone stops and for five minutes it's like, was it a Monday or Tuesday that I did that?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nobody cares, but it makes you feel like you're lying. So it's super weird. I haven't run hardly at all in since high school, so being here and running took me by surprise as much as anybody else. I thoroughly enjoyed it, was a lot of fun as far as cardio goes. Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I forget what optimism.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, yeah. So finally today I go to the gym for the first time and you had come back and said, oh my God, like it was so great. And there was these new machines. I was going crazy. Like, the gym's pretty good. So I'm expecting to walk into like a 24 Hour Fitness and I'm like, how you tell a gym? There's essentially nothing here. So I do love, like the gym really does something to you neurochemically that I find fascinating.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And then allowing yourself to not go actually makes me realize I really like this, like kind of giving yourself like a wider scale because you're saying you

[Tom Bilyeu]

don't, you don't feel obligated to work out because.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, because I'm like, I'm on vacation. If I don't want to work out, I'm not going to work out. I'm like, I really want to.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I've given myself not quite that big of an out, but I've said like, oh, if there's like a day, you know, that you want to take off at any point, you absolutely can. So then every day it's like, well, I could not work out today if I didn't want to. Which I never allow myself that back at home.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. There's another qu. I love this question so much. So this is from lk Elliott. Why is it so much easier to take advice and lessons from you, Tom Billyu, than my own husband?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Ah, yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Can I start this off?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, please. You know the story. I'm gonna say I have no idea, but I know the real answer.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay. So I realized that this is actually very true. When I had a pair of shoes and I think we were in like France or something, and I had these shoes on and I can't remember what it was. Like you, you said something about the shoes and so I was like, oh, yeah. And then a stranger came up to me and was like going crazy over these Shoes. And so I was like, oh, babe. Like, I guess these shoes really look good to me. And you turn around, you're like, but I told you that, like, an hour ago, and you didn't even bat an eye. Like, why is it so important that when someone else tells you, like, it really makes that much of a difference and there is something to. Then they're being so not part of your everyday life. Like, there's no emotion connected to it. Right. Like, there's part of me that's like, are you saying you like the shoes? Because it's me.

[Tom Bilyeu]

There's no agenda.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

There's no. Yeah, well, there's an agenda with you, but there's no agenda.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's what I'm saying. There's no agenda with the stranger. There's no additional motive. Like, what can possibly compel them to say something like that?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right. So the same with this situation. If you had a question and you responded to it, you know, he's not looking for anything from you. Right. He's not trying to, like, because he's been a neglectful person in your life. Like, he's trying to make you feel bad.

[Tom Bilyeu]

There's no way that you would say that. Right. Which is, of course, exactly what you're going to say to your husband.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Exactly. And so it's. It does sad to me that that's true, but we've actually just come to admit it. Like, I don't take that personally. If somebody had said something, like, if some. If a woman was like, oh, that shirt looks good on your arms. Like, I get that. That actually would be more meaningful to you than if I said it. And I don't take that personally. So if you can work with your husband to recognize, like, I don't know if he feels bad or you feel bad that you listen more to, you know, your advice than your husband's. Like, it's human nature.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we. You have the hardest time impacting those closest to you. So it's not like. And I'll even give you a concrete example, just yesterday, my wife had a solution to a business problem that I just was like, I don't know. That doesn't really make sense. I don't think I want to do that. And then I asked one of the people that we consult with, and they were like, oh, you should do xyz, which was exactly what my wife said. And so. And I was like, okay, cool. Hearing it from her. Then I was like, all right, this really makes sense. Let's do it. But. And here's the advanced class. I then immediately turned to you and I said, 100%. This is exactly what you said I should do. And, like, you were right. Right from the jump. I'm 100% behind it. And then you had gotten me, like, I was being really lazy about something, and you kept pushing me, and I was like, don't ever lose sight. Because then, like, the momentum started getting going with everything. And I said, don't ever lose sight of the fact you created this energy. Like, it may have been me that, like, then went and moved the ball forward, but you created the energy. And so acknowled acknowledging that, where it's like, let's say that your husband tells you something, and then I say the exact same thing. And because I am so unrelated to you, it, like, clicks and it resonates to then go back to your husband and say, look, I really want you to know, hearing it from an outside perspective really helped me get clarity on it. But I want to acknowledge that that was exactly what you told me to do. And look, depending on where your husband's at, sort of in his own journey, it may at first be like a pushback. And he's going to be like, yeah, exactly. Like I told you, you never listen. But even though that would be very frustrating for you to hear it said in that way, like, you will have given him something really powerful. You have planted a seed that is, I don't need to be right. And I'm always willing to admit when I'm wrong. And I'm always willing to admit when something was your idea and that was powerful. And he'll ultimately, because then he'll be able to relax and he'll realize, I don't have to say that, because she always acknowledges when I was right. Like, you will earn a reputation, but it takes time. And I find that people always want to earn the reputation, like, right then and there. Like, they want to have done it once. And then people be like, that's just what you're like. Like, it takes time. It may years, but you will earn that reputation over time if you just stay consistent.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And then from the other perspective, it's. I didn't take offense to it because I totally get it, right? Like, I totally get that I gave a piece of advice. You pushed back and pretty much ignored it. And then someone else came and gave that same advice, and you were like, okay, yeah, let's do it. Like, I get it. I get that, yeah, it's less impactful. And when someone close to you says, It. And so one thing I didn't do was like, see, see, I told you you should listen to me. Because then it just feels like, well, I'm just looking to be right versus getting to the right answer. Like, if the person had suggested something completely opposite to me and that was the right answer, I'd be like, thank God you didn't listen to me. Like, I would have screwed things up. So I think it's both ways. The person not pointing out, like, yeah, yeah, I see. I was right. And the other person recognizing. Because you then recognize, yeah, you were completely right. And it just to go, oh, thanks. Like, I'm not going to be bashful next time about saying my opinions because I may be right. I may be what?

[Tom Bilyeu]

As if there was ever a time where you were bashful about your opinion. Not when you believe that you're right. Like, you might be if you're unsure, but good Lord, when you believe that you're right, you are relentless.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But then also we have the discussion because you say to me, like, how certain are you? Or how much do you believe in this? And I'd be like 95. Like, we kind of like evaluate, then like, we don't become dogmatic on our opinions or our advice to the other person. So true. All right. Oh, this question came in with. To our Connect inbox.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Nice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Tom and Lisa, Is there anything.

[Tom Bilyeu]

This is from Corey.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

This is from. Oh, sorry. Yes. Corey G. Wrote on. Is there anything you do not have. Sorry. Is there anything you do not. Or have not shared with each other? Or is there something you would prefer not to be told by the other, maybe for protection or similar reasons? Just the curious question. Thanks for all you do.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So, no. I have very strong beliefs about. I've gotten myself in trouble with my wife many times for not sharing. But, like, being honest about meaning. Like, I know when I say this we're gonna get in an argument, like, it's inevitable and. But. And vice versa. So. But I think that's really important because. And it. It is entirely selfish. So my thing is I want to feel connected, and I can't feel connected if I feel like I'm holding something back. And so in. Oh, God, this is so dumb. Am I really going to bring this up now? I will. I will. Yeah. So I've kept one thing from you. Yeah. You ready?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You're saying this live. Let's do it. Come on.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So here it is. There was one day it. So it hardly ever rains in la and crooked, by the way. I've tried. There's it's the microphone keeps pulling the camera back so like I can literally turn this endlessly. See?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But it's not the turning. It's the angle of the.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh. That's devolving over time, I think.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Sorry guys. I'm so curious on what he's about to say.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That she really wants to delay it. I guess by no. Oh God. See, like the camera won't stay. All right, let's try. And closer. It's like a drum roll. Right?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay. I know.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I'm like, that might be as brilliant as I think it was. Well done. Look at you. Production experience, apparently. So it was raining one day and I was up super late recently, probably four months ago.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And all. Do you remember when it was really stormy and like the heat lamps were falling over? Okay. So the heat lamps had all fallen over. And I thought I'm gonna go sort this out. I'm not gonna do it because I'm looking for credit. I'm just gonna do it. And so I'm never gonna mention it to her. Cause it was just like, it's the right thing to do. Like don't be looking for credit for everything that you do. So I go out and I find like those things to cover them. I cover them, I move them all. And I'm getting just chucked down. Rain on me the whole time I'm doing it. And I'm doing this at like 3:30 in the morning. And it was one of those where I'm like, I really deserve a lot of credit for this. And I was like, that's so petty. So just let it go. And so I said, if she doesn't bring it up, I'm never going to mention it. And you've never brought it up. So I never mentioned it. But do you know how many times like I've. I'll look at the heat lamps and be like, I saved those. I went while it was raining.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That's a lie.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, not a lie at all. I'm just saying like, because I never told you about it. Literally 20 times I have felt like

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I have this like really been on your mind.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. And that's like, it's so weird. And that's why I don't think like it's so short term strategy to be like, I'm not going to say anything. It's just going to upset her, whatever. But you start to feel like you have a secret. So if something as dumb as I went out at 3:30 in the morning while it was raining, zipped up the Heat lamps, moved them over to the side. Like, that made me feel, like this slight little disconnect from you. And I've debated, like. Like, because I had promised myself that I would never bring it up because I would just be doing it to get the credit. But then it evolved into, like, I need to bring it up just because now it's like, it's starting to feel like I have this stupid secret. Yeah, so.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, we are. So we are.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That gives you an idea of, like, how openly we discuss.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, we discuss everything. But look, you've got to work on getting there. You can't just be brutally honest, I think, with people and not understand who they are and how you approach certain situations as a partnership. But. Right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Like, I have to set the stage right from the jump.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But like, instant yes. Yeah, no, you're right. But like, we've. The. The famous story.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I'm alive for the first six months, and then I'm going to.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

With the famous story about my shirt. So for all those who haven't heard the story, I'll go through it pretty quickly, but I bought this shirt, I went shopping.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Not that shirt.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

No, not this shirt. Sorry. Another shirt. Went shopping. Loved the shirt. And it was one of those. As a woman, I'm like, I'm not going to tell him. I'm just going to surprise him, like, on our next date, and I'm gonna put it on. He'll be like, whoa, where did you get that? Like, you look amazing. So I thought, you know, like, I like to kind of do little surprises like that. So anyway, got the shirt. Date night comes, put the shirt on, walk out the bedroom, and you're like, okay, you ready to go about the shirt? But, you know, like, he's busy. You know, he was just texting someone. Just, you know, he's thinking about logistics, the cabs here, we've got to go, blah, blah. So we get to the restaurant, Our table isn't ready. So we sit at the bar. Sitting at the bar. We all do a drink.

[Tom Bilyeu]

This is a Katana.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I don't know.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Okay. Anyways, I'm, like, really trying to get. Because I know the story more as the story than, like, the actual moment.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I don't think we were at katana. No. So I'm sitting there, we're at the bar. We're not at a table yet. And he doesn't say anything. So we're talking, talking. And I was like, okay, he just needs some time. He still doesn't say anything. So we always say, don't Test each other. Don't test each other on memory. If he's going to remember it's my birthday, like, if I know he loves me. You can't judge someone by a memory of something. So I'm not going to test him on the shirt. So I'm just going to point it out because otherwise I'm going to be sitting here all night wondering, like, why isn't he saying about the shirt? So I was like, oh, babe, hey. Like, what do you think? Like, I've got this new shirt on, and literally, no joke, he looks at me and he goes, for all you women out there that know you're trying to dress up for your partner. And he looks and goes, it's not the best feeling in the world. But again, I'm just like, he's just being honest. He's just being honest. Don't take it personally, Lisa. So I'm literally telling myself this in my head. He's just being honest. Don't take it personally. Just being honest. Don't take it personally. But I couldn't help but feel, like, super disappointed. So I'm trying to brush it off, pretend like nothing's wrong, but you can tell. And you're like, why are you so quiet? Nothing. No reason. Like, did I just upset you? I was like, well, yeah, babe. Like, I put this lovely shirt on, you know, like, really made an effort, and you look and you go, eh. And he's like, but I'm not gonna lie to you. And I just remember, like, it hit me so hard because you're like, if. When you really strike me and you've put something on and, oh, my God, you've taken my breath away. Which actually just posted about me taking your breath away on a photo that I just posted. But it. You really took my breath away. He's like, I need you to know I'm being sincere. I'm being honest. I'm not just saying it for the sake of it. So, like, there are times where we'll have just woken up, you know, my hair's everywhere, I've got no makeup on. And you look at me and you. You say like, wow, you look beautiful. You're like, I need you to know I really mean that. And I need you to know that I'm not just saying it to make you feel a certain way or to get something from you. Right? Like, I really mean that. And when you're 90 and we're lying in bed and I turn around and I say, you look beautif. It has to be Based on the fact that, you know that I'm going to be sincere for those, you know, the time that we've been together. And so that really struck me and that was kind of our basis, at least for me, of going, you always need to be honest with each other. Because it doesn't, at least for us, it doesn't come from a malicious place. It comes from you have to be honest to really then feel connected in our relationship.

[Tom Bilyeu]

From taco night in Tulum to sushi in Tokyo, every bite is rewarding. And Pulse Break with MX, Gold's 4X Membership Rewards points at restaurants worldwide. Wherever you dine, points are piling up. So bring your friends along for your next course. Because it's not all about the posts, it's about the company and the memories. How can Gold from Amex sweeten your next food moment? Learn [e-mail] Explore Gold terms and pointscap apply. Yeah, and the important part for me is, like, you have to be honest to feel connected yourself. Not even like, because part of the question was, is there anything you kept from the other person because you think that it would upset them?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And it's like, forget that for a second. Like, it's going to make you feel distant. It's going to make you feel weird. And so that's why I just. And that's why, like, I don't get people that are unfaithful. It's like, dude, like, I can't think of anything that make me feel less, like, in sync in the relationship. All the things that make the relationship worth the sacrifice. So literally, that's just so weird to me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And even so, I don't know, I guess this kind of goes under the bucket. But I remember when we first. Not first met, I think we were a couple of years into our relationship and we went to a restaurant, to the warehouse for that dessert. Do you remember this? And so we go, Tuesday, right? We go for this amazing dessert. Super excited. You're really excited. You bless. You are always trying to give me what I want. So we get to the restaurant and they had just closed, I guess, the kitchen or something. And like, oh, please. Like, is there any way you can. You, like, being very sweet to this, like, guy that was just kind of like, I think it was the waiter, in fact. And you're like, look, please. Anyway, like, I really want to, like, get this dessert. Like, we've been looking forward to it. And he was like, I'm so sorry, sir. Like, the restaurant is closed. And there's this Old guy just sitting at the bar, and he turns around, he's like, get them the dessert. And they're like, okay, yes, sir. And we're like, what the hell just happened? Realizing he was like the owner of the restaurant, and a part of me was like, that was a little bit of a turn on. Like, he could just turn around and be like, get it for them. But I kind of felt a little guilty thinking that because I'm with you and you kind of think like, well, I shouldn't. But I was like, I was just going to be honest with you. It's not. It's not against you. It's not that I don't find you attractive or anything, but, like, there was this little thing that, like, that was actually kind of.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And I spent the next 16 years,

[Lisa Bilyeu]

but, like, almost keeping that from you. I would have felt guilty and I

[Tom Bilyeu]

wouldn't have had the work ethic. So it's all good. Yeah, no, I totally agree, but.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So that's how kind of honest we are with each other about things. Because otherwise I just would have felt like I was keeping it from you. And that secret then makes me feel guilty about it, which it wasn't necessarily. I shouldn't feel guilty. It was just an instinctual emotion that I had.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So 100%. Yeah, that was a great question.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

That was a really great question. All right, let's go to. This question's from My vibe. May you Vibe? I'm sorry, I'm sure I'm butchering you around here.

[Tom Bilyeu]

May Vibe.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

My vibe.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, I dig that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Hello, Tom and Lisa. Question, Tom, how was your relationship with your mum growing up and how has that affected your romantic relationship?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, my relationship with my mom was awesome with an asterisk, so I think she wanted to choke me out like a professional wrestler when I was in my teenage years because I was a lot to handle. But I am. I never for a second doubted that my mom loved me. And so that just goes, like, so far in my book. And my mom was exactly what I needed to stay in line. Like, my mom was not a pushover. She was not for play. I. We're running out of time, so I won't go into the whole story about, like, the. The three slaps. Yeah, my mom was not for play. She was tough. She kept me in line. I never got into trouble. And that is all because of my mom. So. Just insanely grateful. Now. What it made me realize, because people always say, oh, like, boys go for women that are like their mom. Which I didn't do. But I thought, I think what they really mean to say is you go for someone who makes you feel like your mom made you feel. And my mom made me feel special. My mom made me feel like I was important. My mom made me feel like I could do things. Even though my mom quietly assumed I was going to fail. She never told me that. Like, she was always cheering me on, always pushing me to do better, to be better. So. And she was so strong willed. So it is absolutely not an accident that I'm with a woman that's insanely strong willed, who makes me feel important, makes me feel like I can do anything, pushes me to be better, like all of those things. But that has to do with how she made me feel, not how she was as a person. So those I think are, Are very different. I, I do think people, God, maybe even when it's negative. I haven't spent a lot of time looking at that, but certainly when it's positive. And I would say that my relationship with my mom was insanely positive, always has been my entire life, even though I was very difficult at times. So that doesn't mean we weren't fighting like cats and dogs, because we fought like cats and dogs when I was a teenager, 100%. But I think she and I maybe had a very different experience. She was a lot less stressful for me than I was for her, in fairness. So sorry, but yeah. So that's how it's affected my romantic relationship.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I remember when we first met you, you said you're very close to your mom. And then the one thing that your mom had said to you was make sure that your wife is your number one for sure. And so when I met your mom already, I was like, well, you've brought up this incredible man who loves you to death. And you know, like, that meant a lot to me. And that showed me your character, right? This guy who's willing to do anything for his mom and like love her and adore her, but still be honest with her. And that was a big thing. And then from the wife perspective, like, I so appreciated the fact that she said that to you because I don't know, I think a lot of people have issues with their, like, especially like the whole, the typical, like the women have problems with their mother in law and the f. The men have problems with their father in law. And I think it's because it's always like that competition, right? Like your mom was the woman in your life. And now I come along and she kind of then takes Second or third place. It's like what we've said about having kids. It's like when we have kids, we recognize that the child is going to be my number one and that's going to move you your placement in my life. And then how does that make us feel? So I think the fact that your mom was willing to take that second place or that third place when you met the person of your dreams really meant a lot to me. Now, that doesn't mean that we didn't have issues because I think like anything when change comes along, you have to adjust. And so now you were spending so much more time with me than you were on the phone to her. So, you know, me and your mom had to kind of navigate those waters and we've built this beautiful relationship. And you know, I think that that's really important to make sure that you're always open in communicating with. So like, for me, communicating with my mother in law, not communicating through you, but doing it directly and then also having the respect as that person that's now stepping into first place, having the respect that like, this is going to be difficult for her. It's going to be difficult for anybody when you have to take that step. So be respectful for that, be understanding, see what they need out of it and then kind of work from there. Word. So, all right, let's have a look. Comment from Shannon Maruli. Lisa, totally off topic, but your arms, everything.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Arms are everything. Respect, like, you got to see them in person. They are just not for play. They are not for play. And when you pose in photos, like when you're doing something, like if you've got your arm up and I look at your lap, I think, God damn. Like, you really put the work in. You really put the work in. Like, there's no question about that. It's insanity. Not only is is it hot, it's like inspiring. Yeah. You put the work in qa.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay. Looking for more questions, but until they come in, I wanted to talk about something we did last night that was like, so meaningful to me. So one thing that we always try to do is connect on unique level. Obviously we're in Bora Bora. It's stunning here. It's amazing. But finding those things that even if you were at home on, you know, a Friday night in bed, like, what are the things that you can do with your partner to kind of really bond? And so we started playing music.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, that was actually really romantic.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So we started like literally just you got your phone out and you started playing like, old music that meant really something to us. And we were sitting outside, we were looking up at the stars, and we started playing, like, the Brian Adams song More Than Words. More than words.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Everything I do. The Bangles, the Twilight Flame, and just kind of go dating ourselves a little bit here.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, we are dating, but, like, putting on music that kind of helps bring out that, like, romantic emotion. Like, but just. We were just sitting there holding hands, looking up at the stars, singing. Everything I do, we do. I'm not gonna sing, but so things like that, which people always say, like, what are the things you guys do to really bond? Like, just little things. I mean, you were playing it from your phone, and we just. Yeah, we started playing. So there's a tip if someone wants to really connect with their other half is. Yeah. Awesome about music. And then single singing along together was cool.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Here's one I did not see coming. So my wife tried to feed me to the sharks yesterday. So literally. So we. We have one of those, like, huts where you can literally descend off the back into the ocean. And the movie Open Water is my greatest fear. I'm not afraid of ghosts, goblins, like, any of that, but that movie is, like, just an absolute horror film for me. And so getting in the water, I've got a thing with the water. Like, I was thinking yester, in fact, before we went in the water, like, if you were a child of the 80s and you watch Jaws and you don't have an unending fear of the ocean, like, you just weren't paying attention. So I have, like, the. The ocean open water, like, that freaks me out. And because of that, like, I have to move towards the things that scare me. So it would have been really easy. So I went in the water, and it was cold, so because our huts over where it's a little bit deeper. And so I was like, whoa, this is, like, not sort of shore bath water. This is, like, actually a little bit chilly. And I could have easily been like, oh, look, it's. It's just not that warm. Why don't we just head in and go, like, wait in the beach? And you really wanted to snorkel. And so I was like, all right, I'm scared of this, so I have to do it. So I just jumped in, and I was like, like, all right, let's go. And so we start snorkeling together. And then, like, we've been snorkeling for a while, got into, like, the shallow waters and stuff. And then at one point, I thought, because I was Normally ahead of you to fend off any danger. And if you think I'm kidding, you don't know me. And then at one point, we started holding hands underwater, and I was like, this is insanely romantic to me. I have no idea why, but holding your hand and feeling like I was taking care of you underwater, like, that was really romantic.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And we then spoke about it. So it's like those little things that, like, don't. That do just not acknowledge. I don't know. Like, even in just talking about it, it made me feel more connected to you.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I don't know what? You said something that reminds me of Vanessa Van Edwards. So we had her on the show, and it was talking about, like, like, the differences between, like, different people. And, like, I think it was, like, neuroticism, the specific one.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And you're a high neurotic.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I'm losing. Yeah, exactly. And so we realized, okay, that means that if I'm doing all my best to prevent any problem from happening up until once it happens, I'm now, like, freaking out. And you're the one that's super calm. So we actually make a good couple on that in that arena. And so understanding the way people handle things and the way people see things, even if it's on a small level, is really, really enlightening. So in going into the water, you were like, as I'm swimming, like, oh, I'm fully aware. Like, okay, what am I going to do? Like, shark comes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

How would I put myself in front of you if the shark was coming? Yeah, right. Literally, that's all I'm thinking about.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And so. So. But for me, I get in the water, and for a split second, my heart starts racing. Like, I didn't realize, like, you can't see very far if the shark's coming. Like, I'm done. And so I was like, oh, my God, I'm really scared. And I thought, you can't think like that. Like, ultimately, if a shark's now coming for me, there's nothing I can do. So I was like, yeah, so if there's nothing I can do, just enjoy it. So my, like, reaction to it was like, I was so anxious getting up to it. And then afterwards I was like, but you were really like, okay, this is what happens is how I'm going to protect. I'm going to jump in front of the shark. I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that. And, yeah, like, handling each situation and knowing how the other person is going to do it and understanding where their mentality, I think like that just it's an example of how we deal with life in general and understanding the other person and seeing it from their point of view. So important.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Agreed. All right, we're out of time.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh yeah, we are.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Guys, thank you so much for joining us. I think we have one more live

[Lisa Bilyeu]

before we've got a Q A. So. Yeah, so the one thing that we said to the team, we didn't want to let them down or really, you know, let you guys down. So we said if we had wi fi that we're going to try and keep the lives going. So today, yay, we've got one. And then, well, Wednesday is the after impact which you pre recorded with Perfect with Jared. But then Friday we are back now on Q A live. I'll be taking in the Voice, Cindy's place. What's up? I'll be taking her place and asking the questions. So yeah, guys, join us live. We'll probably do it this time.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, 10am because we're three hours, 1pm Pacific.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And that was actually the thing about vacation and real time. We're like, we don't want to get up early. Like we get up early so often. At least for me, getting up early, you are. I don't want to set an alarm for that's the thing.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I don't want an alarm set which will then mess up my sleep anyway. All right, guys, thank you so much for joining us. This has been a lot of fun. We really, really appreciate the questions and as always, if this content is adding value, please do share it. It's how we're building this community. If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And until next time, my friends, be legendary.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Take care, legendary.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Hey everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to Stitcher rate and review us. That helps us build this community and that is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help us, as many people as we can deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. Alright guys, thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.