← Tom Bilyeu's Impact Theory
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- [00:01]
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- [01:01]
Tom Bilyeu
You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Field. All right. Wow, Looks cool with the fireplace. This is a nice set. Hey, you're not gonna get invited back to these anymore. What's up, everybody? Welcome to a family edition of Relationship Theory. This is the monster who's been locked up all day. So we're trying to be sweet and let her be a part of it, but I doubt she survives the entire episode.
- [01:44]
Lisa Bilyeu
And I'm sure this is a shock for you guys that we're going live right now. It was Tuesday, so we keep changing our time and day. We really apolog. Guys, turn on your notifications. I always point that way. I have no idea if it is that way. But turn on your notifications so that if we have to do a different day or time, we know it's because you're traveling.
- [02:03]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. So for the record, we don't do it without reason. It's because of travel. I'm off to New York. For any of you that are all about the comics that we're working on, it's very exciting. So super amped about that. So. Word.
- [02:19]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. So thank you for joining us, guys. And we're just gonna dive right in. For heaven's sake. Second time I've got a mic and I didn't put it on. Bear with me, guys. All Right. So we've actually got the winners for our and here's the problem. When we're doing it on the phone, I love it.
- [02:37]
Tom Bilyeu
I love being able to see the comments.
- [02:39]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, so we're going to announce the winners.
- [02:42]
Tom Bilyeu
Lindsay, now it's inside. I think you need to put it on the outside.
- [02:49]
Lisa Bilyeu
So we're going to announce the winners. Do my mic. Thank you to the giveaway, which is a call with tom and I and the shady old lady has got put all names into her laptop and there's like apparently this thing that you can press and then it picks somebody. So. Drumroll, please. And the winner is Colton buchan Buchanan. There you go.
- [03:14]
Tom Bilyeu
Colton buchanan in the house. I love listening my wife pronounce names. I wish I could have, like, had you read my name before we knew each other.
- [03:26]
Lisa Bilyeu
So my last name, my maiden name is charalambas. And so it's so long with so many syllables that it's like just pronounce it exactly how it's spelled. So now when I read someone else's name, I think pronounce it exactly how it's spelled. So chanan. That's why I came out like that. Alright, so let's get started. Submit your questions, guys. We're answering live and we're going to kick off the question. Oh, we're going to do. Would you rather kick off? Of course we are. All right, answer with us, guys. Would you rather find a partner who already has a growth mindset or help your fixed mindset partner develop a growth mindset?
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Tom Bilyeu
Wait, this sounds too easy.
- [04:09]
Lisa Bilyeu
Why?
- [04:12]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. Wow, that's interesting. Oh, wait.
- [04:14]
Lisa Bilyeu
Would you rather find a partner who already has a growth mindset?
- [04:18]
Tom Bilyeu
This is so funny. From my frame of reference, this seems like so crazy as to not be a. Would you rather what would you like? Obviously, I'd rather find somebody with a growth mindset.
- [04:26]
Lisa Bilyeu
Oh, wow. Interesting.
- [04:29]
Tom Bilyeu
You want somebody who's like, broken fix.
- [04:31]
Lisa Bilyeu
Here's the thing. If I was already in a relationship and I could be a part of their growth, I think that'd be really meaningful to me because it's like when we look back and reflect and we're like, oh, do you remember when we used to be so stupid and you did this and I did that. Like, that's actually part of our story.
- [04:46]
Tom Bilyeu
That is madness from my perspective.
- [04:49]
Lisa Bilyeu
Can she sit forward a tiny bit? Because I feel like I'm. Oh, there we go.
- [04:52]
Tom Bilyeu
What's wrong?
- [04:52]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, never mind. I kind of like, though, being a part of that journey. Like we've Gone on such a journey for 17 years. Like, we look back and our lives are so different back then. Okay, well, there you go.
- [05:07]
Tom Bilyeu
That is interesting. I literally thought, well, obviously this isn't even a. Would you rather. Well, that is crazy.
- [05:13]
Lisa Bilyeu
That's interesting. But you clearly just 100%.
- [05:17]
Tom Bilyeu
Would I rather be with somebody that already has a growth mindset so that we can just go and build and do amazing things, or would I rather have to go through the slog of, like, helping them see what is what, quite frankly, is patently obvious? Like, ack. I would not. Not in an intimate relationship. I have no interest in that.
- [05:37]
Lisa Bilyeu
Interesting. All right, well, first fan question.
- [05:40]
Tom Bilyeu
There it is. Let's do it.
- [05:42]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right. This is from anonymous female sent to our Connect inbox. If you guys have questions that you don't want to share on Facebook, by all means, email us@connectpacttheory.com. all right. Hi, Tom and Lisa. I love your show. It's amazing. I have a question for you. A few months ago, I met this great guy. We're physically attracted. We're intellectually equal, we have plenty in common, and our core values are the same. Problem is, he can get very anxious at times, talks to himself negatively when he screws up in quotes. I'm such a fucking idiot. I always do this. And I'm worried, as a very independent, capable woman, that if we got married, had kids, that I'd be the one holding everything together and that that would lead to me burning out. He's open to improvement, listens to podcasts, and has a beginner's growth mindset. But how should I approach the problem? How do I essentially get him to man up for me without saying that? Because I know that would crush any guy's ego. Feel free to school the shit out of me publicly if my POV is totally warped. Thank you, thank you, thank you, man.
- [06:48]
Tom Bilyeu
I don't think our POV is warped at all. Including the, like, man up part. Including the part about how that would be destructive and so you can't do it. But I totally get the instinct of wanting to do it. So the reality is, if he has a growth mindset and he's willing to engage in that, then every time that we've come to an impasse like that, we're always like, okay, what's our goal? What do we need to move? What do we need to do to move towards our goal? And because we both have a growth mindset, it becomes really easy to. It becomes very simple. It still can be emotionally difficult to work through that because you have an insecurity or something that's causing you to act like that. But like, once he understands, just like, logistically it doesn't make sense from the perspective of a growth mindset to repeat negative things about yourself. And you just have an agreement like, hey, that doesn't move you towards your goals. And by the way, just like in a moment where you guys are, you're really there, you're really connected. It's one of those unguarded moments where you can really tell somebody something and you know they're gonna hear you hopefully. You know those kind of moments that I'm talking about, we have them actually fairly routinely. But it's not every day. Not every day. Like you're in like that zone where you're just like connected and you're really feeling it. But when you are in that, you tell them like, look, I fully understand why you have insecurities. We all have insecurities. I have mine. It doesn't serve you to be negative. And I'll be really honest. It's not sexy. So it's like staying in that space, it's not good for you, it's not empowering and it's not a turn on, which is a little easier to hear than man up, right? Which, which is a real message, by the way. And I don't want that to get lost. And I, it is. I would feel the same way. I might even feel the same way as him thinking I need to man the fuck up. Like, this is crazy.
- [08:27]
Lisa Bilyeu
I would even like, like almost exactly what you said, but just rephrase it because you said I don't find that sexy. But what actually I would do is, you know what I find really sexy? I like it when you take control and I like it when you have a problem and go for it and you're really strong. And even though it freakin sucks and you're swearing, like, I actually find it very attractive and eternal when you, like, you say, well, I don't fucking give a shit. I'm gonna figure it out now.
- [08:52]
Tom Bilyeu
Can I just say something?
- [08:53]
Lisa Bilyeu
Encourage the behavior you want versus the, I don't know, the negative.
- [08:57]
Tom Bilyeu
That's. That is brilliant. But I will say that I got the phrase it's not sexy when you're acting insecure from you saying that to me, but we. And that was one of those. You probably tried a thousand times to encourage the positivity, all that. And then finally one time you were just like, it's not sexy. And I heard that. And that Was one of those where I was like, fuck, that makes so much sense. It isn't sexy. And then it's like, what's my goal? Is my goal to be sexy? Be attractive to you? All that? Yes. Okay, cool. And like, that was such a clarifying moment of, ah, like, this doesn't live in accordance with my goals. Because what he's thinking is, oh, I'm gonna beat myself up for this. Which will make sure that I take action. I'm gonna share that with you in like this sort of needy moment of I want the encouragement, which is good. It helps me in my, you know, my cycle of then getting back out of it and not realizing that the cycle of needing that is already dysfunctional. And so you finally, like cutting through all that bullshit by saying it's not sexy. It was like, ah, yes. I can see it with clarity now.
- [10:05]
Lisa Bilyeu
What's interesting, I have no recollection of that whatsoever. So I must have tried my way first and it didn't work because that's what instinctually I would want you to do with me. I wouldn't want you to be like, baby, this isn't sexy. I'd be like, oh, you turn me on when you do this. Because I'll be like, oh, got to do that more then. So it's interesting. And going back to this question, I think she actually kind of like, what is he going to respond well to? Right. You clearly responded well to me just being like. And I probably just got fed up. And I was like, I don't find that sexy. It's not attractive. But that was probably me at my wit's end. But for you, because your personality hears that much more than the opposite. But my personality, here's the positive over the negative. So it's actually two different tactics. And so I think that with, with her, it kind of needs to be a. Like, what tactic is going to work
- [10:54]
Tom Bilyeu
for him, for him to hear, yeah, I just. In full acknowledgement, positive whenever you can. But sometimes it can't just be carrot. You got to have some stick.
- [11:03]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. And the one thing though, that I'm interested in, like, so he's already on the path of self improvement. Is it that he's going too slow for you and so you want to speed up that process? Is it that he's trying and he's actually not succeeding? So you want to be even more encouraging. Because the one thing that I will say in regards to the speed of it is that you and I have different speeds of learning and different speeds of growth and you way faster. You listen to. And of course, you've trained yourself to. But you listen to books at 3x. So it takes me literally twice or three times as long to listen to a book that he does. So he's growing in regards to just accumulating knowledge way faster than I am. And I used to beat myself up over. I used to feel badly about myself that I couldn't keep up with you. And then I thought, you know what? This isn't a competition. I need to work on myself, and I need to make sure that what I'm doing is going to put me. Give me the best chance of success. And so instead of judging myself against you, I just judged myself against myself. Okay. Before, I didn't know this. I tried this, and now I'm learning this. Well done, Lisa. And I'm giving myself a pat on the back. But with you, when you're so quick at learning, like, I'm so impressed. And instead of, like, making it, allowing it to make me feel bad about myself, I separate the two. I'm so freaking impressed that you're growing as fast as you are. And I think it behooves the company and the family that you are going as fast as you are. But I can't keep up, and now I don't try to. And so that's another thing. Like, is he trying and he just can't keep up? Don't make him feel bad. Ask him how you can help and be a part of that. If it's just he needs a different path and a speed to go to. That's my 2 cents on that one.
- [12:48]
Tom Bilyeu
There it is.
- [12:49]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right. Oh, we've got a question from. I'm gonna butcher his name.
- [12:53]
Tom Bilyeu
Seam Land.
- [12:54]
Lisa Bilyeu
I was gonna say, literally. He's right over here. Seamland won our competition last year, our 24 hour live. We had the competition, and he's submitted a question. All right, let's answer it. What benefits can come from conflicting beliefs and values between partners in a relationship? What benefits can come from. I think it allows you to explore. I kind of feel like I need to look at him. I think it allows you to explore things that you would never consider. So, like, we absolutely had conflicting beliefs and values when we. Not necessarily values, but beliefs for sure. A religious beliefs. I was brought up Greek Orthodox, and so meeting you, it was like the first time I'd met somebody that was very open and honest about the fact they don't believe in that. And so I really had to kind of get in my head, like, okay, well, it doesn't mean that he's bad, right? Like, all these things that growing up meant, like, oh, if he's not Greek Orthodox, then it means he's that and this and that. I had to go, that's actually not true. And that's a belief I once had. And why do I think that? Because he's the kindest man I've ever met in my life. So judging you on your belief of religion was ridiculous. So that actually changed my way of thinking. And then I just think, yeah, just opened. Like, I was very dogmatic in the way I did things and, like, things should be like this. And when you would challenge me, like, but why should it be like that? But isn't that just because your family believes them? Do you actually believe it? And what does that mean to you? Like, all these questions that you would push me on just got me thinking because I didn't have an answer and I never had an answer because I wasn't brought up to really question it. And so you pushing me and pushing my beliefs and then explaining why you believe something allowed me to really think through it and either say, oh, no, I actually do believe this and this is why and now I feel good about it, or go, wow, this is an assumption I've had my entire life and I've never questioned it. And the fact that you've questioned it makes me then reconsider it and think about it and potentially then find a new path.
- [14:57]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, that feels a bit like always look on the bright side. I think the reality is that having conflicting beliefs and conflicting values is super dangerous. And just because we navigated the danger well does not mean that it's actually advantageous. I think having different perspectives is powerful and learning different things is powerful. And coming back together and sharing with each other, that's way powerful. And the fact that, like, you're drawing or you go out and hang out with friends that I don't know and, you know, you bring back the things you guys talked about. That's awesome. And one thing that I do worry about now that we're building the same thing, that we're everyday doing the same things we're together. It's like our goals are the same, is that you really can become, like, myopic. Like, your world shrinks in, shrinks in, shrinks in, and you're not bringing these new ideas to each other, which is missed opportunity. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's definitely a missed opportunity for us to, like, each bring things that the other person wouldn't otherwise encounter. So perspective, I think is really advantageous. But any if you have different beliefs and values over a significant period of time, I think it will begin pulling you apart for sure. Because the other person in ways that like, values, man beliefs, they're so core to who you are that if you don't line up on that, that's the kind of friction that doesn't go away.
- [16:24]
Lisa Bilyeu
Hmm. Wow, that's very interesting. Never really thought about them as being separate, but you're actually very right. I still stand by what I say.
- [16:35]
Tom Bilyeu
But yeah, your logic makes a lot of sense. I'm just saying that you're giving it from the perspective of it all worked out right. And so in hindsight, yes, it was very powerful. We got together early. We really shaped each other. Our beliefs and our values really were developed in a lot of ways together.
- [16:49]
Lisa Bilyeu
And.
- [16:49]
Tom Bilyeu
And that's really powerful. But answering the question from the perspective of is there something good about them not being the same? And I would say no, the good came from we shaped each other and found equilibrium where we, at a core level, shared all those important beliefs and values. When people stay in a zone. Anyway, I'm going to repeat myself. So, yep, there it is.
- [17:13]
Lisa Bilyeu
Okay, next question. This is from Alidar Rosa Cardo. Hi. Thanks for all the great videos. I still have not found my soulmate. Two exes and two amazing kids still searching. What are ideal ways to sync up mindsets?
- [17:33]
Tom Bilyeu
Oh, God. The reality is, so there are no soulmates. So let's start with that. And you get together and you get in a relationship that makes you feel better about yourself than when you're alone, so it's worth investing in. And you shape each other and you grow together and you share a life and you open up and it becomes this wonderful, amazing thing. But to think that Lisa could never have found happiness if I died in a car accident when I was 16, I think is absurd. So it's. The truth is that there are personality types. There are moments in your life, and hopefully you find somebody in one of those moments that then really becomes an incredible relationship. But, like, Lisa has a standing order. If something happens to me, if I die, the idea is not to pine for me forever. You know, give me a nice respectful period. But then it's like, go live your life. Go find somebody. And look from the perspective that you're at right now, that seems like utter madness. But there's nothing more mad to me than pretend for a minute that you really do end up living forever. Like the absurdity of letting even a hundred year relationship dictate the next thousand years is just crazy town. So it becomes then just a question of time scale. It's like you're saying it's okay because, well, I'm going to die too someday. It just doesn't make sense. Maximizing your fulfillment and happiness in life should be the name of the game at all times. So that's a long way of saying I don't think there's such a thing as soulmates. Don't worry about that. I think that there's people that you love being around, you're deeply passionate that make your life better, more joyful, make you feel better about yourself, and thusly are worth all the sacrifices that go into a relationship. Then it becomes about are you good at relationships? Are you good at continuing to stoke those fires so that as you come together that you're able to grow in the same direction, that you're able to keep that spark alive and that fire? And like I will tell you, being an entrepreneur, it's done exactly one thing to me that scares me. And so this is something that I've talked about with Lisa to make sure that it doesn't end up being destructive. Becoming an entrepreneur hardened me. And I was really like a super emotional in a good and bad way when we first got together. And so there was like, I was just capable of such like raw emotion and connection and love and like understanding and patience and all of that 100%. And now like I, I've just gotten hardened, like there's just a no bullshit. I don't have time for that efficiency. Let's get this fucking done. I'm impervious to the slings and arrows. I know how to deal with people that want to see me fail, people that attack me, that try to tear me down, being sued, having people that were your friends and your closest allies become your most bitter enemies. I've just been through all that shit. And so on the other side of that is a version of me that isn't as open and raw and light and playful. That's the truth. And that's the one thing that I've thought that is a mistake. Shouldn't let that happen. Need to find my way back to the openness, the playfulness and all that. And it started with like full disclosing it, right? And talking to you and okay, what's that path? And that's being good at relationships. That's like saying, okay, there are elements of my growth that I like. There are elements of my growth that when I reflect on aren't necessarily great for a relationship. How do we address this? How do we get back? But like if people can't self reflect and go like this, don't like this about myself, right? And then open yourself up to your partner. They're never going to survive. I could keep going with examples. I will stop because I'm the one always complaining the answers are too long and here I am.
- [21:10]
Lisa Bilyeu
If you had, let's say then, two main two questions on your first date to see if they had the growth mindset to then go to the second date, what would those two questions be?
- [21:21]
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- [21:51]
Tom Bilyeu
It's interesting. I don't know that I would think about it on a first or second date, but if I just. Because yeah, like that to me is a lot of you're looking for.
- [21:59]
Lisa Bilyeu
If you're just looking for one night
- [22:00]
Tom Bilyeu
stand, then sure, well then I really wouldn't worry about it. But ironically, and I did not see this coming in my life, I only find sex interesting with somebody that I actually connect with. Even if I think it's going to be a one night stand, I still, it needs to be something where I'm connected. So anyway, that, that just wouldn't enter my mind. But the reason that I don't, I wouldn't necessarily think about like trying to rule them out. I think in the beginning a lot of it's just chemistry. Like are you having fun having a conversation? So I'm not going in like a private investigator. I just, hey, like I'm going to ask you questions out of curiosity. I'm not going to be like, here are my six questions that reveal a mindset. I might do that down the road if I'm not getting a vibe. But I feel like you want to talk about things that are pretty easy to ascertain. Like ask people normal questions that you would care about. Like, hey, what are your goals? What's your career? What's your family like? As they describe it, it's like you're gonna get a sense.
- [22:56]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, true. All right, we've got some fan shout outs for our viewers from Texas, Missouri, Alabama, Florida, Kansas City, Colorado, Maryland and Arizona. Did I pronounce Maryland?
- [23:11]
Tom Bilyeu
You did, yeah. I was totally with you, Maryland.
- [23:14]
Lisa Bilyeu
Thanks for watching, guys. Appreciate it. All right, and then submit your questions because we're answering live. Alright, next question from Daniel Breeze. What's up, Daniel? Tom, why are you saying Lisa should find someone else if you were to die when you always say there's no more obligation to be in a relationship? Do you think that relationships do make life more fulfilling? Before you fin. Before you answer that, I'm guessing, and this is how. See, if I know him well, he's basically saying it's other. So otherwise if he died, I wouldn't feel bad about pursuing it. So I don't think he's saying you should be in a relationship. I think he's saying do what is best for you, like, don't let me hold you back. And me dying hold you back for the rest of your life. Because I'm the sort of person where I literally would sit there going, do I feel guilty? Oh, my God, I'm attracted to this guy. Because at the end of the day, we've spoken about that like we're both human beings. So if I died, he'd still be attracted to other females even though, you know, my ashes will. I'll make sure I was by his bed every night.
- [24:15]
Tom Bilyeu
That's romantic.
- [24:19]
Lisa Bilyeu
Anyway, I won't go down that thing. But anyway, that's my guess. Basically, he's saying it so that I wouldn't feel bad about seeking another relationship and because I think you know me and that I do love being in a relationship and I love feeling connected to somebody.
- [24:34]
Tom Bilyeu
Ding, ding, ding. No. 100% on both counts. The answer is no one has a moral obligation to be in a relationship. But relationships, when they're right, are fucking awesome. Otherwise I wouldn't be in one. So when I say that people don't have a moral obligation to be in a relationship, I'm not saying relationships are bad or even neutral. I'm just saying that they are so often mismanaged that they're a nightmare. And I don't know why people stay in them because you don't have a moral obligation to be in a relationship, so. But when you find one that lights you on fire, it is awesome and it is superior to being alone. So is my experience. Right. So. But if you and I broke up, I don't. I honestly don't know if I would get in a relationship. Sorry if you died.
- [25:14]
Lisa Bilyeu
Very different.
- [25:15]
Tom Bilyeu
It's true. I would. I don't know that I would get back in a relationship, and if I did, it would be happenstance. It would be somebody that I met. I wouldn't go out of my way to meet somebody, but I wouldn't. Not right. Like, so if somebody was like, oh, I know this woman. I think you really like her. You should come out with this. Okay, cool. Like, I'm not like, no, I want to be alone. It's not like that.
- [25:35]
Lisa Bilyeu
I think I'd want you to find somebody to take good care of you.
- [25:39]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. I mean, look, to me, that's love. If you didn't want me to find somebody else, that. That, like, that would be a chink in my vision of being.
- [25:47]
Lisa Bilyeu
If you're with me.
- [25:48]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. Like, that's crazy. Like, to want somebody to be in mourning for the rest of their life. It's like, that's. That's not how you honor me.
- [25:56]
Lisa Bilyeu
15 years. No, I'm just joking.
- [25:58]
Tom Bilyeu
So, you know. Yeah. To me, it's about you want to honor that person, and you want to honor what they meant to you and all of that. And so, like, I have a tattoo with your name and my commitment to you, and I wouldn't get that removed.
- [26:13]
Lisa Bilyeu
That would actually hurt me.
- [26:14]
Tom Bilyeu
If you did, you'd be dead. You wouldn't know. But, I mean, just to, like, let's hashtag keep it real. But, yes, if I said right now that I would do it, it would hurt your living soul.
- [26:27]
Lisa Bilyeu
I'm gonna send a private email to everyone in the team. But it's funny how that made. That would make a difference to me. Like, I would definitely. And this is kind of. Guys, I don't know if you're enjoying this conversation, but this is exactly how we talk, because I truly do want to know, like, if he died before me, like, what he would want me to do and have. I wouldn't want to feel guilty. And so we kind of had those discussions. Yeah. I would definitely want you to find someone that could take care of you and nurture you and be supportive, but I would really, like. It would bother me if you got their name tattooed on you, although. Oh, that's tough. Like, if I met a guy and it was the other way around, and he had his wife's ex. His wife's tattoo, but we were super in love, and we got married, I would want him to tattoo me as well.
- [27:16]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. I mean, that. That a. That's a you thing for sure. You're, like, way big into that.
- [27:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. In fact, if it's gonna make your relationship happy, you should get her name tattoo.
- [27:24]
Tom Bilyeu
Sweet baby.
- [27:25]
Lisa Bilyeu
I mean, it's true, right?
- [27:26]
Tom Bilyeu
No, no, for sure.
- [27:28]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, guys. Oh, we got a would you rather Segment. Alright guys, put in the comments below. Answer as we do. All right. Would you rather. And actually a couple wrote in saying that they pause it. So when I read it, they pause it, they answer and then they play it. So that's so cool. So, yeah, love you guys joining in. All right. Would you rather fall in love with someone who doesn't love you back or never fall in love at all? Never fall in love at all. Because I wouldn't really know then what I was missing. I think if it was fell in love with somebody, was in a relationship and then he fell out of love, I think I would choose that one. But if it was I just love you and you just flat out don't love me back, I wouldn't want that.
- [28:13]
Tom Bilyeu
I'll take whatever's more painful. So my gut instinct is that loving somebody.
- [28:18]
Lisa Bilyeu
Why do you say that though?
- [28:20]
Tom Bilyeu
Pain plus reflection equals progress. Like never having dealt with that. Like you're not capable of dealing with it, but once you deal with it, you have another arrow in your quiver. If you have a really a growth mindset, then you know, like whatever the truth is of why that person's not into me, it is something that I can reflect on and either say that's something I value in my personality or you know what, it's actually not something I value in my personality and I'm very sad that I missed this opportunity but because of that and I want to address it. So I believe she would say I
- [28:49]
Lisa Bilyeu
really, really think that that's what you'd rather.
- [28:51]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. Also just the artist in me, that aching. There's something special about it creatively.
- [28:58]
Lisa Bilyeu
Like I'll definitely grow from anything bad happening to me because it's kind of like, well, shit's falling apart, I better see the positive in it. So I'll always, you know, turn a negative into a positive. But I don't wish for the negative.
- [29:10]
Tom Bilyeu
I don't wish for it either.
- [29:11]
Lisa Bilyeu
But apparently you do.
- [29:12]
Tom Bilyeu
If given the choice between two things, one makes me more powerful and one is just blase. Yeah, I'll take the more powerful. Even if it means pain, not seeking the pain out. But in a Would you rather scenario.
- [29:24]
Lisa Bilyeu
I wouldn't just to be abundantly. Alright, next. Would you rather. Would you rather have anxiety yourself or have a partner with anxiety?
- [29:34]
Tom Bilyeu
That's so easy for me.
- [29:36]
Lisa Bilyeu
I'd rather have anxiety.
- [29:37]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [29:37]
Lisa Bilyeu
Myself. It's like Being sick. And I know that I've said this before, but same with my stomach issues. It's in my digestion. It's like, it's been so, such hell. But I would rather be the one in pain than you, because I can, to be honest, I can pretend when it doesn't hurt, like, if I see
- [29:56]
Tom Bilyeu
you happy, I really wish I had it because I would solve the fucking problem. Like, I would have been fat. You suffered with it silently for a decade, which is utter madness. And so, yeah, I would not have put up with that. I would have solved the problem a long time ago.
- [30:12]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, I mean, I guess that from that perspective, but.
- [30:16]
Tom Bilyeu
But the real magic would be that moment where you say, I would take this pain from you. And then a genie shows up and goes for real. And you, like. Then it's like rubber meets the road. You really ready for this? That would be rad to be able to actually take the pain and deal with it. Yeah, that would be cool.
- [30:33]
Lisa Bilyeu
Because. Yeah. So with anxiety, I think it's again, just, like, I can take ownership of it. So that means if I'm going through. I know for myself, like, okay, this isn't good for myself. This isn't good for my relationship. This isn't good for my business. So what do I actually have to do to change it? And that's in my control. Whereas if it's you, obviously, let's say it's not you specifically. But if it was my partner, how are they going to deal with it? Do they actually want to overcome it? Are they actually working towards it? And if they're not, and there's then that, you know, affects. Affects our relationship, but they don't want to address it, like, that would be really tough because you can't force someone else to do it. So, okay, would you rather be interrupted by your partner in every conversation you have, or only have fluffy conversations with no reason to interrupt? Well, apparently you interrupt me a lot. I haven't even told him. Someone wrote in saying that you interrupted me 15 times on our last Facebook.
- [31:33]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, I'm not. I guess I'm not too surprised by that.
- [31:36]
Lisa Bilyeu
I didn't even notice.
- [31:37]
Tom Bilyeu
And that's the thing. Like, they have to understand the dynamic of the relationship. But where, off camera, you would interrupt me as much as I interrupt you, as in any conversation. And if you needed to finish, you'd say, let me finish, and then I would let you finish. But, yeah, I'm certainly not bashful if I think I have a piece of information that will change the way that you're thinking I'm going to say it. Yeah. I'm not trying to interrupt you because I want you to be silent or anything, but would I rather be interrupted by my partner in every conversation? Yeah, I guess. A conversation is so back and forth, and I would never want to exist in a world where it's just fluffy conversation.
- [32:17]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, completely agree. I'm the same. All right, so. So back to fan questions. All right, next question is from Sergio Roa. Apparichio. I'm sure I butchered that apparitio. She wants an authentic surgery.
- [32:35]
Tom Bilyeu
Aesthetic.
- [32:35]
Grainger Announcer
Aesthetic.
- [32:36]
Lisa Bilyeu
Wow. Sorry. She wants an aesthetic surgery. And I think. And I think is not the right mindset. And I think it's not the right mindset.
- [32:45]
Tom Bilyeu
Basically, she shouldn't do it.
- [32:46]
Lisa Bilyeu
Oh, I. But who she wants.
- [32:50]
Tom Bilyeu
So I'm guessing his girlfriend.
- [32:51]
Lisa Bilyeu
Okay, sorry. Right. Yeah. So his girlfriend, his partner wants plastic surgery. Plastic surgery. Thank you. And he doesn't think it's the right mindset. I love her the way she is, and I think she can achieve same results with a bit of hard work, good habits. Should I convince her not to? How so? So if it's hard work, I'm guessing it's fat loss or some sort of thing like that, because. So let me backtrack of if it was me. Okay. So I used to be very paranoid about my nose. Very paranoid. I remember when I was a kid, I used to get picked on all the time. Concord, big nose. I got all of that. And I remember thinking to myself, when I'm old enough, I'm going to get plastic surgery. I'm gonna have work on my nose. And as I got older, I kind of met you in such an early age. You immediately were like, but I love your nose. Like, your nose is what makes you you. And you really allowed me to see that it's part of who I am. And so I decided not to. But if I was believed in it enough and my heart was sold on it, like, I would want you to support me, and I wouldn't want to feel guilty about it, like, because I don't have any problems with plastic surgery. I think if it makes you happy, then it should, but I don't think. I think it's more about weight than something like that. So what's your take on it?
- [34:11]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, it's a danger zone. So let's start with that. This is super risky, and there's going to be so much emotion and insecurity tied up in this and convincing somebody that they should diet and exercise and Lose the weight if they don't have a growth mindset is going to be really, really difficult because you're going to run up against things. Like, it's not fair. So and so and maybe in the horror scenario, like her sister is just perpetually thin and can eat whatever she wants and she can't. And that really is unfair and it really is frustrating. And I get why it pisses people off, but it's a reality. And so when you're fighting somebody that doesn't just think, okay, well, it's harder for me, but it still is what I want. Surgery is risky. And so doing surgery should be the last result. It should be something that you can't work away in my opinion. Like, I would never, like if you said I wanted to go do an elective surgery that is just. Surgery is risky in general. And it was for something that you could work out. Like, yeah, I would say don't do that.
- [35:09]
Lisa Bilyeu
But would you just say don't do that or would you? I think you would help me with my self esteem, right? Because I think that that would be part of it. I'm doing it because I have low self esteem or I think negatively of this. And I think that you would try to switch my mindset and the way that I saw myself about this situation. Like, don't you think you wouldn't just be like, try and persuade me not to?
- [35:32]
Tom Bilyeu
I think yes, but the, the reality is I would try to persuade you by making sure that you know how I feel about you. And so a big thing, part of the reason that I think you're comfortable with your nose is that I made sure you knew how comfortable I was with your nose and your body in general. And that whether the times that you've been heavier and the times that you've lost muscle, it's like I never stopped finding you attractive and I never stopped telling you how much I like your body and all of that. And quite frankly, I've never stopped telling you that. Don't take too much pride in your body because one day it goes away no matter what. So to have everything tied up in that is just a super dangerous game. So yes, this is a long term play. It's something that you've got to be doing all the time. You don't want to bring it up only when they express insecurity. They're partly expressing insecurity because you're not giving them what they need about their body. And if somebody is one, just like understand everybody wants to feel like they're attractive to their partner. So if you're not expressing that now, let's get into the really dicey fucking territory. What happens if your partner is just letting themselves go and you're actually not happy with where their physique is at? That gets into super dangerous games. Because if you pretend that you're okay and that it's getting out of hand, it's going somewhere that you don't find attractive or whatever, that. To be paralyzed and not be able to speak up is rough. And to just have to say, like, oh, I'm just worried about your health. Which, of course, is a smart place to start. But, like, at some point, whatever you're saying has to be 100% authentic. You can't bullshit people. And so it's like that. And that is a very difficult situation. I don't want to pretend that it's not. So I would be trying to figure out, like, what's happening. So if you started gaining weight really rapidly, first of all, I'm not worried about your body. First of all, I'm just thinking, what's happening? Something's upsetting you. Something isn't sitting right. You're using food. Like, I want to identify that. Like, if. If aesthetically you've decided that you want to put on weight, rad, I'll get behind you 100%. I'll find a way in to enjoy it for what it is. But if it's not that and it's an echo of something else, I want to deal with that something else. And while I don't know how to explain that nuance, it's like, I want you to win at all times, and I don't need you to be in a certain shape for me to love you. You know that. But you know that experientially because we've had a long life together. I don't need you to be in, like, elite shape for me to be attracted to you. You know that because we've had a long life together, and your, you know, your body type has changed dramatically. So because you know all of that, it's like, I've made the deposits that are needed before I can make a withdrawal. Just being honest and saying, I think something else is at play here. I think something's going wrong. It doesn't impact how I feel about you, how much I love you or anything, but I do want to address it. I want to know what's happening. I want to peek inside. What's driving this, getting your relationship to the point where you can have that Kind of unguarded conversation, because the person knows and believes to the core of their being that you want them to win. You want good things for them. You want them to see. You want to see them happy. You love them, you feel connected to them. You're attracted to them, all of it. But getting the relationship to that point is the hard work. And all of that is leading up to that moment. If you wait till you already have a crisis where it's something like this, then you're just left with a lot of words, and it's dangerous.
- [39:13]
Lisa Bilyeu
One thing also, though, that I would. Because that's great. And you're absolutely right. Like, you've always said that since we got together. But a big thing that I think is, like, not being alone in something. So, for instance, you know, like, with this, it's like, okay, well, I'm in it with you, and how do we handle this together? Because that's what you did with my gut. I mean, literally, from the moment I couldn't eat multiple things, like, you then didn't have sugar around me. And it wasn't because I necessarily found it hard from a. Like, oh, I really want to eat this. But emotionally, when the entire family's going in on, like, goodies and food, and it's Christmas, and you're like, no, babe, I'm with you. Like, we're doing this together. And that type of attitude when you're in a partnership is very, very strong. For me, like, I felt supported, and I didn't ask you to. I didn't even expect it if you started. And, you know, I was kept saying, like, go in. Like, don't mind me. But you never did. And for me, it was. I don't know. There's that, like, internal. Like, wow, I'm not alone. And so, like, if you're trying to help your other half lose weight or she wants get surgery and you don't think she should, and you can do it the natural way. Like, do it as a team. Get together, make it exciting, make it this. Like, make it a date night. Like, that's what I would do, right? Like, what are ways that we can bring this as a social thing that me and you can do together? That makes me feel good about myself. That makes me feel like we're doing it as a team. And now the exercise or the good habits that you're talking about don't become, like, a chore. Like, oh, God, he's watching me, so I can't eat this. Or, like, oh, God, I've got to Work out this morning. It's like, oh my God, me and you are going to go like on a bike ride together. It's going to be one of those tandem bikes, you know, things like that. So partnership, I think. All right, all right, next question is from Carmen Bridget. Now you're just joking. Carmen Bridget. Kesey Simpson. I'm in a business mlm, Multi level marketing. Thank you very much. With my husband I have a growth mindset and he his is fixed. We're struggling especially with taking the business to the next level. Do I just run with it or wait for him to get up to speed? Neither.
- [41:27]
Tom Bilyeu
Well, it depends on what their goals are. So if she's honest with herself and the business success is more important than the success of the relationship. There you go. If on the other hand, the relationship is more important to her than the business success, then also there you go. So a lot of it comes down to what exactly it is they're trying to get. Agreeing on terms is a big thing. A lot of times people say this, I have a growth mindset and they have a fixed. Like, would they agree with that?
- [41:55]
Lisa Bilyeu
Their partner?
- [41:56]
Tom Bilyeu
Right. Like, would their partner say, wait a second, what are you talking about? I have the growth mindset, you have the fix. Or would they be like, what's a growth mindset? So, like making sure that everybody like agrees on terms and then doing the hard and risky work of making a pact with each other. Okay. I feel like you have a fixed mindset. You feel like I have a fixed mindset. Now we need data. But that moment right there, like, which I know would work with you, if we said that you felt that I did and I felt that you did, then we would say, cool. We know that we can't just trust a feeling, so we need to go get data. So you point out when I'm being fixed mindset and I'll point out when you're being fixed mindset and then we'll see what's really going on. But there were so many things that we already had to agree on there, which is that a fixed mindset is undesirable, a growth mindset is desirable, that feelings are not just to be trusted. That data is right, but those aren't empirical. It's not like everybody would agree with that. So if you can come to agreements like that, then at least you can work through the problem. But you've got to be able to come to agreements like that.
- [43:08]
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- [43:10]
Tom Bilyeu
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- [43:53]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, also, what we did is we got together and said, what is our goal? Like, what is that thing that we're trying to get to? Okay, we're trying to succeed. So let's take Quest as a perfect example. So you were president of Quest Nutrition. And so my position initially was in shipping, but then in the media department. And our goal collectively was to make Quest successful. And the goal, as the alpha of the family was to provide for the family. And so we'd already set this up initially. This is. These are the roles we're going to play, and this is the position, the level of position. So when I moved over to the media department from the shipping, I had doubts in myself on whether I could actually do it. Like, I'd never run a media department. I'd never built a studio before. So here I was, you're like, okay, go build the studio. And I'm like, shit, can I actually do this? Internally, I'm thinking this. And then one day I turned around to you and I said, well, I never want to feel like I'm getting the job because I'm your wife or because I'm co founder. Like, I want to do this job because I'm actually right for the job. And so we had a conversation, and I sat down and said, babe, look, if for whatever reason I'm not fulfilling my position, if I'm not stepping up to the plate, if I'm not actually doing what I should do in this role, then I need you to tell me. Take me out of the position or, like, fire me. Like, you need to do one of those. Like, I give you permission to tell me that I'm fired. I give you permission to tell me that I'm. What's the word? Degraded.
- [45:25]
Tom Bilyeu
Down. Demoted.
- [45:26]
Lisa Bilyeu
Demoted. Thank you. I give you permission to demote me.
- [45:29]
Tom Bilyeu
I never degraded.
- [45:30]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, sorry.
- [45:31]
Tom Bilyeu
Be clear on that.
- [45:32]
Lisa Bilyeu
And so I remember telling you this, and you turned around to me and you said, babe, don't worry. Like, I agree, because no one's Gonna get in the way of me providing for my family, including you. So our goal was to provide for the family, or the goal was to make sure that the company's doing well enough that he can provide for me and provide for the family. So if I'm getting in the way, it's actually a. It's. It's taken us off the path of what our final goal is. So if they have that discussion, like, what is the goal that they're trying to get to? What's the goal of the business? What's the goal of them collectively? And then use that. Like, going back to what you're saying about data, right? Go back to like, okay, well, is his actions actually moving you guys towards the goal that you guys have set together? If it's not, then you can point it out saying, hey, you're slacking, or, hey, you're not doing your part. You're not providing. You're not growing enough for us to get to this goal that we've both agreed upon. Word got very passionate there. All right, next question. This is from Podguru. Is there a fine line between your partner's mindset destroying your mindset and your mindset destroying theirs? Sharing visions and ambitions is important, but that can also be a downfall of a relationship because one partner may not deem the other as ambitious to despite loving them. So I'll read again. Is there a fine line between your partner's mindset destroying yours and your mindset destroying theirs?
- [47:04]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, so I already don't understand that. So they don't have to destroy one another. So your mindset didn't destroy mine, mine didn't destroy yours. We definitely shaped each other, and we grew in a direction based on things that we. We're helping each other discover about ourselves, about the world, how it worked, things that you were reading, I was reading, like Coming Back Together, discussing. So. But I never thought about it as the destruction of one and the creation of another. So that already seems like a false dichotomy. And then what was that?
- [47:36]
Lisa Bilyeu
Sharing visions and ambitions is important, but that can also be a downfall of a relationship because one partner may not deem the other as the other as ambitious.
- [47:45]
Tom Bilyeu
Well, so also, I don't think that ambition is an inherently valuable quality. So if somebody is ambitious and the other person likes to be with ambitious people, well, then great, it works. But in the beginning of our relationship, you weren't ambitious, so, fine. Like, that wasn't problematic, right? That was sort of an echo of how you were raised. It was like your dad with love in his heart was always like, oh, go study whatever you want. You're just gonna end up being a wife and you anyway. And so that was like, in your mind is like, that's how I find fulfillment in my life. I get married, I support my husband, I have children. And as that began to change and you realize, like, wait a second. I can develop whatever talent I want, and I can grow in any direction that I want, and I can express myself in a business context or not. Like, it's all totally up to me. But now that I realize that any path is mine for the taking, what path do I really want to be on? And you really enjoy partnership in that? Doing something with me. And I remember you saying, like, once, it's because I was going to be an entrepreneur long enough to make money to then go do what we actually wanted to do. And it was like, well, when you do that, I really want to join.
- [48:56]
Lisa Bilyeu
I was gonna say. Because I find when you say to me, like, you weren't ambitious, like, every time.
- [48:59]
Tom Bilyeu
I know I always see, like, this
- [49:01]
Lisa Bilyeu
little time, I'm just like, what do you mean I wasn't ambitious? Joking. Like, I always wanted to be female director. And we had a plan, and you were gonna go out and work, and I was gonna support you so that we could earn enough money so that we could then make movies. Like, that's the story I tell in my head. So every time you say it, I'm like, wow, that's interesting. But I'm not ambitious enough that if I was by myself, I probably would push.
- [49:21]
Tom Bilyeu
Like, I do A and B. Like, if you remember, back at that period, I had to, like, put, hey, do art. Do something, like, stay active like you, you back then. I don't think this is true now, but back then, you slid into neutral pretty fast.
- [49:34]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, that's true.
- [49:36]
Tom Bilyeu
So. And I mean, whatever, right? Like, I was a total bonehead back then, and I would lay in bed for hours and hours and hours. I just got to that first rung of the. The ladder before you did. But that, like, again, like, ambition, you don't need to be ambitious. So I don't think I'm better because I'm ambitious. It just is a truth of my personality. So, yeah, if you're ambitious and the person you're with likes ambition and says they want to be ambitious and you want to be with someone who's ambitious and they're not acting ambitious, then okay, I get that's a problem. But passing judgment on it, just because you're ambitious doesn't mean the other person should be. Unless that's specifically what you're looking for in a relationship and they told you that they were and now they're not acting in accordance with that.
- [50:22]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, good call. Alright, next question. I was going to add more to it, but we'll move on to the next question. All right, so, Christy Ratcliffe. I have been going to therapy for anxiety and am making huge strides. Well done. That's really commendable. Part of the process is filling my life with things that bring joy. When I talk to my husband about changing jobs, walking away from the corporate world to something that I would actually enjoy working at doggy daycare, he seemed unsupportive and told me he was worried about the, the pay cut. I understand that we have to make money to live, but how can I help him see the importance of my joy over the weekly income?
- [51:03]
Tom Bilyeu
I mean, you're at core values now, so you've got collision of values. For him, financial security is more important than joy. Like quite frankly. And Maslow's hierarchy of needs agrees with him. Like everybody takes care of safety and shelter and food and all that stuff first. So for whatever reason, he may have a trigger where it's like he grew up and money was scarce. It came, it went, and he's got real deep fears about not having enough money. So addressing those and just asking the very simple question, how much money is enough? How much are you willing to suffer for what amount of money, like, is there? Where in his world does enjoyment fall? And rather, because I can feel this conversation, rather than each of them coming in and judging the other, it's like, what is your value system? So hers clearly is happiness is the most important value. And to her it's like self evident. And so for him to come and be like tense and nervous about the money, she doesn't even get that. And it's like absurd to think that someone would be unhappy for money. Like it doesn't make sense to her. And likewise for him, like to go work in doggy daycare so that you can be around puppies while now we have to either downgrade our lifestyle, embarrass ourselves in front of our friends who, you know, expect us to be at a certain level and now put us in financial insecurity and maybe they're planning to have kids or whatever. Right. Like, to him it's absurd. So you have two people that are like suspicious of like the way the other person thinks. It's like it doesn't make sense. And it's like there's so many things in life where once the value system gets misaligned, the other person legitimately seems crazy. And so literally just slowing down and talking about everything and saying, let's write this down. Like, I'm not coming to you with judgment. I really want to know so that I can better understand you. So you can better understand me. Read Captivate by Vanessa Van Edwards. What's your love language? What's your language of appreciation? What are your core values? Like finding all of those things and being you. You will sometimes be shocked that other human beings can be so different than you, because all of us feel like the way that we think is the way to think. Like, it. None of it seems like a choice or something that was based on how we grew up. It just seems real and true and honest. And it's like the thought that other people come from a radically different place than you doesn't occur to most people.
- [53:34]
Lisa Bilyeu
And sometimes, like, if you've never experienced anxiety, does he actually get how deeply it's affecting you? Right, because it's like, start writing like, alright, babe, like, these are the things that maybe you didn't know, but then I'm actually dealing with. And start listing all the things that you've experienced while having anxiety. Because I think that that will. I hope that would actually make a difference if I said to you, like, look, maybe you're not aware because you always think the other person gets it. The truth is they don't. They're not in your head. So if I sat you down and said, look, this is what's actually happening to me, every time I walk in a room, I feel like this. It makes me feel like this. It makes me do this, right? Like, lay all that out so that he can really get what is inside your head and why the anxiety is affecting you so much. That's number one. Number two, I'd also say, like, what is the Backstory? So did 10 years ago, you convince him to buy the beautiful house that you're living in, like, oh my God, but this is my dream. So he's like, okay, we'll take on this financial responsibility. Over time, things have changed in your life. So now he feels like he's got the burden of the finance that actually maybe you pushed for. And now he feels like you're backtracking, which of course you're not backtracking, you're just growing and learning.
- [54:46]
Tom Bilyeu
Or maybe she is. Yeah, and she feels differently and is happy to downgrade the house.
- [54:50]
Lisa Bilyeu
But as part of that. Now he's begrudging because he's like, well, I wasn't even into it in the first place. And now I have, like, now you're backing out, and now I'm doing a job I freaking hate.
- [54:59]
Tom Bilyeu
Right?
- [55:00]
Lisa Bilyeu
Because that's another thing. Like, is he enjoying his life? I think that's. I see that a lot in people where it's like, they might be miserable, but they don't necessarily address it. They see someone else addressing the, oh, and I've got low battery. Sorry about that. And I see other people. So you're addressing your problems now you're fixing it. But now I'm super unhappy in my job. But you get to go and do what you want, but I don't. And now I'm stuck in this position. So have that honest conversation, like, really be brutally honest. Lay everything on the line, why it's meaningful to you. And, you know, and your partner has to do the same. And you have to be very receptive. You can't be defensive. Right? Because if you go into that conversation saying, like, but I have anxiety, and so this is what's going to help me, and I can't believe that you're not on board. That isn't going to help the conversation. Right? Because now you're coming to it, being with your walls up. You have to be super receptive. Bring your walls down. Talk, say, okay, well, how are you actually feeling, baby? What is your main concerns about me taking this job? Is it purely financial? Okay, if it is financial, what is the thing that you're fearing and, like, break everything down so that he can feel like you're not just making the decision and he has to come along with it. That's one thing that we always make sure that we at least try to do is that it's not like I'm deciding this and now you have to. And it's kind of like that card. But, like, if he pushes back, saying, well, now you said you've got anxiety. If I don't support you now, I just look like an asshole and a terrible husband. But you have to bring him on board and be for the transition that you want to make.
- [56:34]
Tom Bilyeu
Word.
- [56:35]
Lisa Bilyeu
So. All right, last question. This is from Scott Barker. Ah, nice, easy name, straightforward. How do you feel about a person who is single or having a list of qualities you were looking for in a partner? I think it's fine.
- [56:54]
Tom Bilyeu
I don't have a beef with that. I think that people can get themselves in trouble. But I will say that I had a list of things that I was looking for. And when I say you hit them to a T, it's like, hilarious. Hilarious. And I laid them out my freshman year in College. I was 19. And I broke do, do, do, do this. And to the point where I said, and she'll either sing or draw. And you draw.
- [57:19]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [57:19]
Tom Bilyeu
Like, about it. Because those are just the things that I'm drawn to. So, yeah, I don't think having a list is a bad thing. I think that being overly rigid and missing an amazing person that makes you feel something rad in the moment. Even though they don't tick your boxes, if they make you feel the way you want to feel, like the list is meaningless. The list is. It's. There's a great Buddhist saying, I think, and it's don't confuse the finger for the moon that it's pointing at. So if you're trying to show somebody the moon and you say, there it is, and they're looking at your finger, it's to miss the real. The actual thing that you care about. So if their list is the finger, but the moon is the feeling that you think those things will give you, and you overly obsess on the finger, you've got a problem.
- [58:04]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, we actually. In our list of questions that we had relationship revelations, one of them is, what are the. I think. What are three traits that you thought you wanted in a person that I don't have? Because I think that's so interesting. Because we make a list because we think, okay, this is what we want based on who we are today. And so for me, my list, as you were talking, I was like, going through my list of the things that I used to say, and half of it is exactly you to the T, and the other half is completely not you in any way, shape, or form. Tall, American, handsome, dark hair. Those were the things that I really have.
- [58:43]
Tom Bilyeu
Things that I didn't live up to. I'm American and 6 foot, so we're in trouble.
- [58:48]
Lisa Bilyeu
And then things that I didn't want, like, messy, didn't care about their hair. Like, in fact, some of the throwback Thursdays or flashback Fridays that I've done. Like, it's a true example of your hair. That's just, like, no gel.
- [59:01]
Tom Bilyeu
She used to beg me to do my hair.
- [59:03]
Lisa Bilyeu
Hey, came to dozer.
- [59:04]
Tom Bilyeu
So inefficient.
- [59:06]
Lisa Bilyeu
But. So there was a whole bunch of things that you were the complete opposite on. But I don't think that's a bad thing. It was like. It opened my eyes, like, wow, that's so superficial.
- [59:15]
Tom Bilyeu
That's really interesting though. None of the things that you wanted that, that you just listed are good things like messy. I'm messy. That's not helpful. Yeah, so you dealt with it, but I wouldn't say that it's good.
- [59:30]
Lisa Bilyeu
Here's the thing, like would I take you messy or not messy? I'd of course rather you not messy. But here's the thing, you even just said like that's not. What is it that's not productive.
- [59:39]
Tom Bilyeu
Efficient.
- [59:40]
Lisa Bilyeu
Efficient. That's your personality. And because you think of things that way, that's why I think you're such an amazing entrepreneur. So even though I hate the knock on effect that it gives, I'm so attracted to your drive, your ambition, the fact that you want to build businesses that I don't think you would have that mentality if you cared about your hair being neat, being tidy. In fact, I actually just wrote a post about this that if you're attracted to someone who's ambitious, you have to accept the things that come along with it. So with flowers on Valentine's Day, with expectations of things like that. I don't have the expectations and I've come to terms with it because what I'm most attracted to you is your ambition, is your drive. The sad news is most of the time what comes along with that is that you don't think about the other things that like that I used to think were important like you know, my birthday and things like that. Like I'll just remind you, I'll set alarms in your phone book, a restaurant. Babe, I want to go here. Whereas once upon a time I would have waited for you to do it. And I realized that set myself up for disaster. Because that's not your personality. It's not your personality because you're so focused on your ambition, on your drive, on what you're building.
- [60:54]
Tom Bilyeu
So makes sense.
- [60:55]
Lisa Bilyeu
I'll take you Messi.
- [60:57]
Tom Bilyeu
Nice.
- [60:58]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, well that's all we have time for, guys.
- [61:00]
Tom Bilyeu
All right, guys, thank you so much for submitting your questions. Always very appreciated and thank you just in general for joining us. It is absolutely amazing. We love doing this. Gives us a real chance to ask each other a lot of questions which is a lot of fun. So we are eternally grateful.
- [61:15]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. And we do appreciate everyone that writes into the Connect inbox that puts comments in the, in the feed. We do really appreciate all of your guys engagement.
- [61:23]
Tom Bilyeu
Indeed we do. Why don't you do the sign off?
- [61:25]
Lisa Bilyeu
Oh no. What do you say? And until next time you have to
- [61:29]
Tom Bilyeu
say if you haven't already.
- [61:30]
Lisa Bilyeu
If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And until next time. Jesus Christ.
- [61:35]
Tom Bilyeu
Come on, be legendary. There it is everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to Stitcher Rate and review us. That helps us build this community and that is is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. All right guys, thank you again so much and until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.
- [62:07]
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