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- [00:01]
A
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- [01:01]
B
You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory Foreign. Welcome to another edition of Relationship Theory. I am your co host Tom Bilyeu and I am here with the lovely, beautiful and talented Lisa Billy.
- [01:39]
C
I thought you were going to finish it off there.
- [01:41]
B
No, I figured I'd let you jump in on your own. Welcome, guys. Always a pleasure to have you guys here with us. Excited to be doing another episode of this. Oh, and for anybody that came to the Success Live event, thank you so much for coming up. There were many people that said that Relationship Theory was one of their favorite pieces of content that we do. So that was really cool and it was awesome to meet you guys. I was very sad, as you all were, that my lovely and esteemed wife was not able to make it. But we are still wrapping up house renovations and that chains one of us to the house pretty much at all times at this point.
- [02:16]
C
Yeah, I was really disappointed I couldn't
- [02:18]
B
come, but yeah, it was a bummer.
- [02:19]
C
Yeah, that's, I guess what we get when we're business partners and husband and wife.
- [02:23]
B
Yeah, sadly so.
- [02:26]
C
All right, let's get to some questions. Let's do it. All right, so from last week, we have a question when I keep going down the kids angle because a lot of people actually responded.
- [02:39]
B
Yeah, we got a lot of comments about that.
- [02:41]
C
So there's one question that was from Jermaine Sublan Cabrera on Facebook. He Said, hey, guys, my wife and I have been married for five years. Unless your minds change for something different, we won't. Unless our mind. Sorry. Change for something different, we won't be having kids for another four to six years. My wife is 26 years old. I'm 27. Friends, family, acquaintances, consist. Constantly ask us about having kids, why we're not having them sooner, and to not wait until we're after 30 to have kids because it's more dangerous and we'll be too old to really enjoy them.
- [03:14]
B
Wow.
- [03:15]
C
However, we don't believe that ourselves because every year we live healthy and stronger lives. Do you two hear similar responses when the kids topic pops up? And how would you respond?
- [03:25]
B
Do you want to go for it? We did probably hear that back in the day. We don't really hear that anymore. I think at this point, people have really given up on us having kids. We've been so consistent with the fact that we're. That's not the path that we've chosen now for a long time. But, yeah, in the beginning, I think people were. Were pretty encouraging of us to do it early. It's so common now, though, that people wait until after they're 30 that. I don't know. I don't. I don't think it's a big deal. I think there is some biology that you're up against. There's no question that risk factors do go up the longer that you wait, but I would say anywhere south of 35, it's probably not a big concern. Start getting north of that and they start doing, like, I think, amniosynthesis, which is where they check the amniotic fluid for, like, down syndrome. And I'm definitely out, out of my depth here, but if memory serves, it's that and maybe some other things that they do start checking for as like, a matter of course, post 35. So, you know, take that into consideration, but I don't know. And for me, because also when we were considering having kids, adoption was also a very potential strategy. So I wasn't that freaked out about
- [04:39]
C
age, but I think that was more for you than me because that's why
- [04:42]
B
I was kind of waiting for you to lead off. Like, when it comes to kids, I think there's a lot more pressure on you. And.
- [04:46]
C
Yeah, I mean, I think so. The one thing I want to address is he said, you know, we're healthy and happier than ever, so I'm not tense. The one thing that me and you did is we had that brutal discussions, like, every time we weigh, like you said, like, it. I think it does change the chances of getting pregnant. Right. As you get older.
- [05:04]
B
Well, that. It definitely does.
- [05:06]
C
So, but so they're saying, like, we're happy and healthier than ever, so we're not stressed. The one thing we did is we had the honest discussion. If we wait and if. Even if we're eating healthy, we're working out, if we wait, is it a risk we want to take? Like, is knowing that I'm not getting any younger. Every year it gets more and more difficult for me to conceive. So even if, you know, I'm staying healthy, there is that risk. And is that risk worth it? And I think that's what you really need to ask yourself. Like, is it worth it? Like, if you guys go, you know, in five, 10 years, she may not be able to have children or whatever the situation may be, Did I make that right decision? You know, and we talk about that. Even with the decision to not have children, I always say, you know, in five years, in 10 years, God forbid something happened to you. I mean, there's. There's so many different things that, you know, we have to think about. And the one thing for me is I don't ever want to have regrets.
- [06:03]
B
That's so weird. Like, I don't. And you say that all the time. But, like, you're going to have regrets. Like, 100% sure. I can make any human being a guarantee. Because your regrets are based on where you are in that moment in your life.
- [06:16]
C
But if I've analyzed it, I go, okay, back then I thought this way. And so I regret having made that decision. But I've really analyzed it. Yeah, gone.
- [06:27]
B
I die.
- [06:27]
C
Yeah.
- [06:28]
B
Ten years from now. So now you're really screwed.
- [06:30]
C
Yeah. So we've said you're going to regret it. Like, God forbid something happened to you. No, because we've. I've really looked at the situation and I've taken both. Both circumstances, so.
- [06:43]
B
But what do you. Because emotionally you will feel it. Emotionally, you. This is not how I would look at this situation. I wanna be abundantly clear. And I don't advise, by the way, having kids to stave off loneliness. I think that is a suicide mission, emotionally. Cause your kids are programmed to leave you. But let's ignore that for a second. Ten years from now, not gonna be able to have kids of your own anyway. You could still obviously adopt, but you're not gonna have kids of your own. I die. And emotionally, in that moment, the way that you see the world, you will Wish you had had kids?
- [07:18]
C
Yes. But I think I would be able to intellectually say to myself, I analyze the situation. I predicted that this could happen. Predict it. But I.
- [07:28]
B
So how would you handle it? Would it be frustration, anger?
- [07:31]
C
No, I think I would.
- [07:32]
B
Gleeful acceptance?
- [07:33]
C
Yeah, I think it would be gleeful, but I think it would be absolute acceptance. Like, I knew this was a possibility. I made the choice. Right. It's in essence, I hate to say it, but it's a gamble. It's a gamble between. What if something happens but I'm not willing to make a decision about having kids now, if it's not right for a fear that I have in the
- [07:57]
B
future, can I call bullshit?
- [07:59]
C
Yeah.
- [08:00]
B
So at the end of the day, it comes down to fulfillment. Like, one of the reasons I think people have kids. It seems from the outside, I have not had kids, so I can't swear to it. But between having worked with kids and having pets, I hate to say it, but there is a sense of fulfillment that you get out of that. I think that's one of the huge drivers. And I think that's why, for you having gotten so into business and building something and all that, I think that you would need fulfillment. But my gut instinct is, well, how about this from the grave. I'm advising you now, if that happens, do not. Don't waste a second thinking about it being a thing between he lived and I didn't need kids, and he died, and now I wish I had kids. You need to find fulfillment in building something, becoming something like it. That it's not the choice between husband and kids. It's really not. And I think that that's super dangerous. I think it's. You need to be fulfilled, and you need to have something at the core of your being that, like, makes you feel like you're giving something. You're connected to people. And you have Dr. Drew, who I'm researching right now for tomorrow's interview. That guy is interesting, man. That guy is interesting. And one of his hypotheses that we will be talking about tomorrow for sure is that fulfillment is ent 100% about the other. It's about somebody else. It's about connecting. It's about developing a skill set, which is very interesting. I want to talk to it more about. It's about developing a skill set that is of use to somebody else. So not just like ladling soup, but like, you have a skillset that is useful to somebody else. And I think this is interesting. I've never thought through this. I think you would turn to. You would start advising people. And I think that you would get into that, like, in a crazy, deep way.
- [09:51]
C
Yeah, but let's backtrack for a second because I don't think I would necessarily. And look, who knows, right? When you're in a situation, you don't know how you're going to exactly act unless you are actually in that situation. You can prepare yourself. But I think that if, God forbid, I lost you and something happened, I don't know if I would want kids because, like, oh, it's a fulfillment now that I set aside and I actually do want. I don't think it's that. It's literally I would want something connected with you. And that's why I would be sad that we didn't. Because I know. And look, that's.
- [10:30]
B
Can I'm. Yeah, you have to fall in love again, like, all of that stuff. And I don't. The last thing I want to do is be haunting you from the grave.
- [10:38]
C
Yeah, but that's not your decision. It's
- [10:41]
B
just because I'm dead. I don't get. I don't have a say anymore.
- [10:45]
C
I mean, look, all I'm saying is, is that God forbid something happened to you.
- [10:49]
B
Right.
- [10:49]
C
My instinct, knowing myself well enough now, is I wouldn't want a piece of you to hold on to.
- [10:55]
B
Would or wouldn't.
- [10:56]
C
I would.
- [10:57]
B
Right.
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C
And so I think that that's where I would be sad that I didn't have children, because now I don't have a piece of you.
- [11:03]
B
Can we set aside a T shirt or something?
- [11:05]
C
I mean, look, but we've discussed, like. I mean, not necessarily your. Your sperm, but we've definitely spoken about freezing my eggs.
- [11:12]
B
Yes.
- [11:13]
C
And so that was another thing. Like, in analyzing not having kids, we thought about every situation, every scenario, and if we didn't. If we changed our minds and I was, you know, in my 40s, like, what would we do? And so that was a possibility. But I wouldn't freeze your sperm and then, like, inseminate once you're gone. Like, that's not what I was looking for. But. But I think that's. If I was to regret not having children, I think that would be the reason. Because I'd want a piece of you told on to, like, I just want. It'd be so cute to have a little son with, like, your personality.
- [11:46]
B
Yeah. Why don't you ask my mom how cute I was?
- [11:48]
C
Yeah, that's true.
- [11:49]
B
I was a nightmare.
- [11:51]
C
Oh, I'd still love you. All right, so let's go on to the next question. Yep. All right, let's find one good one. Let's have a look here. All right, let's do a shout out to Harsh Acing. So he says, tom, this is Harsh from India. Just wanted to tell you that InsideQuest changed my life completely.
- [12:14]
B
Wow, thank you, man. That's always a big honor. That was one of the neat things. And I'll vamp a little bit so you don't have to listen. This will be for them. You can find the next question. That was one of the things that I find just insanely gratifying about going to the live events and getting a chance to meet people and is just hearing like, it it right now. Like, if there were a camera that were, you know, really far back, you would see that it's just the impact theory crew. You. You project yourself out into the world, but like, you really don't know how you're impacting people you don't like. But for a very small number of people that comment frequently and you feel like you really get to know them and sort of limited by Dunbar's number and like you, at least I do, you hunger for that, like, real connection. To look at somebody, to shake their hand, to hear a story, to see how it's impacted them. That is so cool. So we just definitely don't take that for granted. So anyway, that was a long way of saying harsh. Thank you very much, man. That is so meaningful. And when we decided to engage with the world and that we weren't going to use success as a way to retire and withdraw that we wanted to use it to go harder and deeper into helping more people and really building something massive. That that's what drove us. And you know, when I do live events, I make one promise. And so I'll make you guys this promise. Unless there was something weird in my schedule that doesn't prohibit or that, you know, that allows me to. Wow. Unless there is something in my schedule that prohibits me from doing so. Mild stroke. I stay and answer every question as long as there are questions. So at the Success live event, I literally stood there in the foyer answering questions for six hours. I've done that. It seems like the magic answer, by the way, is like six hours is sort of where people tap out. But I won't break first. I will answer questions because that's what this is about for all of us here. Like, we want to build something and we know that the community is everything. And the moment that we fail to recognize we are the neck and not the head, I think that we'll have problems. So as the dutiful neck, like, I want to be there to really engage with the head, which is the crowd, and, you know, to be of service to the community. And obviously, we'll. We have asks of the community, and there's things that we need you guys to do. So I really feel that's super important to pay that back and to let people know how meaningful it is to have that opportunity to affect their lives.
- [14:44]
C
Nice.
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B
All right.
- [14:45]
C
All right. And with that, I've got another question.
- [14:47]
B
Let's do it.
- [14:48]
C
So this is from our boy, Sald Masoud.
- [14:50]
B
Nice.
- [14:50]
C
This is from last week.
- [14:51]
B
Yep.
- [14:52]
C
And I found it and quite liked it. Tom, have you found any of your personality traits amplified in Lisa's presence? And what are they? If so, what are they?
- [15:05]
B
No. But I have found that you have shaped me and that I would be unrecog. The person I am today would be unrecognizable without you, like, for sure. So I don't think of it as. As anything being amplified by you. Maybe the way that that hit me when he first asked it, my answer is no. But in shaping me, I guess there were certain traits in me that you brought out and breathed more life into and encouraged. And you certainly make me want to be a better communicator. And you definitely, like the greatest line in all of movie history, at least in terms of how, like, much it resonated with me was you make me want to be a better man. Right? Like, you literally make me want to be a better man. You make me want to be a better version of myself. You make me strive harder than I would have without you. And so, you know, in that sense, yes, you've amplified everything that I value in myself because I want to be more of that for you.
- [16:02]
C
And then you think, though, that it's not really a character trait. But, like, for instance, when you're at success, live just by you. Knowing that I was watching live gives you another little extra.
- [16:14]
B
That's interesting because it definitely, like, it brings. Knowing that you're watching lowers my defenses. It makes me feel like I'm in a perpetual state of winking. Does that make sense? Like, it literally. Because then I can do it just for you. Right? So that part of me that is playful and unguarded, I can do that when I think that you're watching in a way that, like, I can't. If I don't think you're there, I'm almost the opposite.
- [16:45]
C
I find that because I so want to impress you. If you're right there, like, almost will get more nervous.
- [16:51]
B
That makes me sad.
- [16:53]
C
But. But knowing that you're going to watch, it obviously makes a difference, but live, I think it will just be nervous because I'm like, oh, my. Impressing him. Like, I'll be in my own head as I'm doing it.
- [17:04]
B
You call me if I know you're there. Like, my anxiety levels will. Like, that was a big deal for me at the beginning of Inside Quest to have you, like, be the one running the show. Because I could look, okay, she's there. Like, I can relax. Yeah. That's interesting. That's interesting. Hopefully, over time, I can have a more calming effect on you, which is tremendously beneficial for me. So I'm very sad that. That I don't have that same effect on you.
- [17:34]
C
And maybe. I don't know, like.
- [17:36]
B
And I mean, look, I think that's great that you're honest. I'm just. It's so nice.
- [17:41]
C
But like, for instance, last week, so I'm doing a podcast, which I'm still. We're still kind of working out the kinks.
- [17:48]
B
Still can't say.
- [17:49]
C
But anyway, last week I went and recorded one or two episodes, and we literally shut ourselves in this closed room. We had nobody near no one. And there's just something intimate about it.
- [18:00]
B
100.
- [18:01]
C
But knowing that you're going to listen and knowing that you really believe in me, like, I had that in my head. And so it wasn't like, I wasn't nervous. I was just like, yeah, like, I've got to prove that. Like, I'm not gonna let him down. But if you were in the room, I think I'd have a totally different reaction.
- [18:17]
B
Interesting.
- [18:18]
C
Yeah, I know why.
- [18:19]
B
Well,
- [18:22]
C
all right, so let's get some more questions. So this is from Deborah Goncalves. Al Kmin on Facebook.
- [18:36]
B
Can I just say for a second, thank you for being the one that has to deal with the names because it is so hard. Like, the names are hard. The names are just hard. And we have, like, a worldwide audience, and so it gets really hard sometimes. So, Deborah, we apologize for brutalizing. I'm sure.
- [18:51]
C
You know what, Cindy's really good at saying names.
- [18:53]
B
Really?
- [18:54]
C
Yeah. I've always noticed. But I'm terrible at it. Respect Cindy, okay?
- [18:58]
B
She is the voice of the community after all, in fairness.
- [19:02]
C
So Deborah says, hey, Tom and Lisa, you guys have been helping me from far away. My partner and I live in a long distance relationship right now. Canada and Brazil.
- [19:12]
B
Whoa.
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C
Yeah. The Tips are great. It's helping us a lot as a couple. Thanks for being such a good example.
- [19:18]
B
Wow.
- [19:18]
C
But I wanted to bring that, that kind of comment up because we had to have a long distance relationship for almost two years. So a. Deborah, we know exactly what you're going through. A. What tips would you give Deborah now? Of course, when we were dating, though, there was no text messaging, there was no Skype. I know this is showing our age now. So we literally had a phone that we could call each other, but you would work all day. I would be, you know, like because of the time difference. So you would write me an email.
- [19:49]
B
Yeah.
- [19:50]
C
And then I wouldn't read, read and respond till that night. So that means you were getting it the next morning.
- [19:55]
B
Yeah.
- [19:57]
C
I'm sure people back in the 1920s are laughing about how like, right, tough life is now.
- [20:04]
B
I really hope people from the 1920s are watching this right now. Welcome to the show. That is amazing. Amazing how they would be almost 100.
- [20:16]
C
So from someone who wants to live forever, don't.
- [20:19]
B
Oh, trust me, I'm with you. Yeah, absolutely.
- [20:22]
C
So we had it quite. It was quite difficult for us, but we worked through it. What would you say to Deborah were the things for us that kind of helped us get through that time?
- [20:33]
B
Wow.
- [20:35]
D
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- [21:35]
B
Well, here's what I did and I am not necessarily saying that everyone should do this and it makes it heart wrenching to be a part. And so, wow, it just was so painful. But I don't see how a long distance relationship can fit thrive if you don't do this. But I have not thought enough about this. I have exactly one moment of experience with this, but I intentionally stayed obsessed so I needed to like make you my focus and be breathing fire into our relationship. Because if you like, the easiest way to deal with separation is to switch off and to just not think about it and that that would work. And I remember thinking, because we used to separate at Christmas time, so you would usually go, you would either go ahead of me to London if we were going to London first, or you would stay in London if we went to London second. And so we'd end up being apart for a week, 10 days, two weeks. And during that time, I remember thinking, I just want to shut off. I want to stop thinking about you because it's so hard to be apart. Like, for me, like, I so enjoy our relationship and so have just given myself over to being a pair instead of being on my own. It literally, it hurts. Like there's actually a physical component of pain to being apart. And I thought if I just switch my mind off to this, it would be better and it would have been better. The problem is that then you, especially if you're living in a long distance relationship, you just slowly start to drift apart. And I just, some part of me knew that would be a bad strategy. So when we were living apart at times for a month or two months, like, I just had to really, like, I would always think about you and write to you and write just like a lot, a lot, a lot. To feel like I was talking to you and to feel that connection and to like keep fanning those flames. And that really worked. It makes being apart that much harder, which maybe is good because it forces like, we to find a way to like, be together as much as humanly possible and to keep the times apart as limited as possible. And you know, you get what you focus on. So I was focusing on being in love. I was focusing on the passion between us. I was focusing on you, you, you. And that, like, kept that like, intensity even when we were apart.
- [24:10]
C
Right? Yeah, it's tough. I mean, we had to be very honest with each other about what we were looking for or what we needed during that time because we handle things, you know, sometimes very differently. So I, I do shut off. Like whenever I'm in pain, I almost, like, my instinct is to shut that off. So I don't have to address it or not address it, but I don't actually have to feel that emotion. But doing that from a distance to God, that would have been a, that would have been disaster. And so I, I recognize that. And I think you definitely told me, like, hey, like, I need, I need you to be more open or. Because I didn't want to feel sad about being away from you, so I almost shut that part of me off. But in us communicating and what you needed and what I needed, like, I think that made all the difference. And when you think about it, people are always growing, right? So if you're spending, you know, three, four, five, six months apart, how do you make sure that you don't. Like you said, right. When you've built this bond, that you don't end up doing this if you're
- [25:11]
B
spending six months apart? I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm just saying I don't want to do it.
- [25:14]
C
Sure.
- [25:15]
B
Like, that sounds. That sounds.
- [25:17]
C
But like, for instance, people who work on movies, right when they go onto. On location, I don't think you can
- [25:22]
B
let six months go. So let's. Let's do the impossible one, the military, because you literally, like, they're not going to let you go to Afghanistan and be with your significant other. So, like, that. I'd love to hear from the community,
- [25:34]
C
actually, if there's someone out there, like, what are your tips that you guys do? Like, that would be so tough.
- [25:39]
B
Brutal. Brutal.
- [25:41]
C
But, yeah. So I think it's just really making sure that you're always connected, and I think that really kind of goes with whether you're in the same city or living in the same house or not. You know, I mean, even. Let's take last week. So you had the success thing. I had the podcasting. So literally from. I think we spent Monday and Tuesday together working, and then for the rest of the week, you were completely gone. So we went for, like, four or five days without seeing each other. Even then, like, when you're. You're so on all the time that by the time you call me in Skype, you're like, hey, babe, you know, I'm. I'm really tired. I'm going to bed. Just want to let you know I love you. So that's the extent of our interaction. So for me, it was. The second you get back, I'm gonna make sure that within that time, whether it was a day, because we had all of Saturday together, I'm gonna be on, and I'm gonna make sure that, you know, like, I'm gonna be super attentive to you.
- [26:31]
B
This was actually funny.
- [26:32]
C
Why?
- [26:33]
B
Because you were so. It was so sweet. Oh, my God. And that was like, finally, I had to apologize. I'm like, I actually feel bad because I totally get why you're being, like, so sweet and so attentive, but it's like you were treating me like it was my birthday. I mean, it was, like, crazy. You wanted to make, like, special food. And I'm like, look, I'm. I'm trying to, like, you know, keep my weekends not too crazy from a calorie standpoint. And you were like, I'll make you ice cream. Like, keto ice cream, but I'll make you keto ice cream. And, like, so it was. That's. So you, like, you really want to, like, go over the top and really, like, show somebody. I mean, your thing was, like, base it. If you had listened to her. It was like I had been out slaying wildebeests. And, like, it was. It was amazing and romantic and sweet beyond measure, but it. Part of me was like, I was just at an event. You know what I mean? And. And it was like I had been fighting forest fires.
- [27:31]
C
But you know what? Because I was actually thinking about that, and I was like, wow. So you got a little annoyed with me. You okay? For me?
- [27:38]
B
Yes.
- [27:39]
C
So on the weekend, you got a little annoy me, because I was so, like, I'm gonna make him feel super special. Like, he's been out doing the success
- [27:46]
B
live, like, killing mastodons.
- [27:48]
C
But, like, to me, it was right. Like, you were fighting for the family. It wasn't just you out speaking.
- [27:53]
B
No, no, trust me, it's very.
- [27:54]
C
You're out there fighting for the family, fighting for the company. And so I never want to take that for granted. And because you had left, I was really sad I didn't go. And so then I was at home dealing, obviously, with a lot of business staff, and then the house stuff. And so I was just feeling super overwhelmed. And in the past, when I'm feeling super overwhelmed, I just keep going down that path until I break. And this time, I was kind of like, what's gonna make me feel good? Right. Right now, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've got a lot on my plate. Like, I don't want to be bitter that you're gone, right. And left me to it because you're out fighting, slaying dragons, like, in my mind, right? So I was like, I need to show my appreciation for you. Like, stop being so in my own head. Like, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. And I thought. I was like, well, he's out there doing it too. So instead of going, I've been left alone. I'm like, no, I need to reframe it in my mind, and I need to say, my husband is out there fighting for me, my family, the babies, you know, our dogs, the company, like. And I really meant that. So I just switched my mind. And so I was like, I'm gonna do a lot of things that are gonna be special to you, and I'm gonna show you how much I appreciate it now because I think. I think I went a little hard, but, like, that's me.
- [29:09]
B
It was so sweet. That's the worst part. It was so sweet, but because I
- [29:12]
C
kept asking, like, what do you want? Do you want this? Do you want that?
- [29:15]
B
How do you got in an argument about olives? Just.
- [29:18]
C
Yeah. So I said, do you want olives? And he's like, I don't care. Like, what? So anyway, you got.
- [29:22]
B
This was like question 682 about what I wanted, just to be clear.
- [29:26]
C
But yeah, okay. So, yes. So eventually you just got annoyed and so you're like, look what I like. My selfish design. We've spoken about this on, you know, Facebook before. Is my selfish desire. We would say what it is. And you were like, my selfish desire is to not be bothered to have to answer 20, 30, 40 questions about what I'm eating, what I'm doing. Because you get asked questions all day, every day, but I'm just trying to make it super special for you.
- [29:53]
B
It's one of those impossible moments. And I.
- [29:55]
C
But I came to a realization.
- [29:57]
B
Oh, shit. Drop that knowledge.
- [29:58]
C
Yeah. So when you said, like, I don't want to be asked, like I'd rather have no frickin olives and it be worse and not be asked than have olives and it be better. And then I realized I kept bugging you and asking you for my own sake, because I wanted to feel like I was being the best and like, best wife I could possibly be for you and give you everything you ever wanted. And this is because it's a gift that I would want.
- [30:25]
B
Yes.
- [30:25]
C
And so literally I was like, I'm saying I want to do it for him, but he's clearly getting frustrated. It may just be about olives, but who cares? It's not about what it is actually as a tea argument, Right? So I was like, I keep pushing him. I keep asking you questions over and over. And the truth is, because I want it to be so perfect so that I can feel like I'm the best wife 100%. So I switched that in my head and I just said, don't ask him if he doesn't. He may prefer it with olives, but I'm not going to ask him. And I'll just Make the decision. And if he's like, why the hell are there so many olives on here? I'm just going to shrug and go, that's what you get.
- [31:02]
B
Right?
- [31:02]
C
But not bitterly, but just, like, as a no.
- [31:05]
B
Rightly so. So that was a conclusion and an amazing conclusion. And when we were arguing about not arguing, but when we were. When I was definitely frustrated about the olives. My thing is give the gift that person wants, not the gift you would want. Right. And so I'm literally. What I said was, I don't know how else to explain the gift. Like, if you're trying to give me a gift, the gift I want is to not have to think about it or just take my first answer. Because the way that it went down was, oh, God, what'd you ask me? Like, do you want more olives on it? And I was like, no, it's fine. And you're like, but I think you really do like it with more olives. And so then I was like, good Lord. Like, just take my first answer. Like, even if you think it's a bad answer, just take my. Because now, like, you're making me argue for the way that I want it.
- [31:57]
C
But it's based on experience that I know you well enough. Oh, 100% that I know no one
- [32:01]
B
should be able to make decisions about what I want other than you. Like, I fully understand that you know me better than I know me. And my first response oftentimes is based on, like, some trapped thing that at some point I decided, like, for a cognitive shorthand, always say yes or always say no or whatever, but you actually know experientially the things that I respond to. And so. Oh, for sure. Like, whatever. And that was literally my response. Whatever you think, like, you know this better than I do. So rather than have to go through, like, the argument of you convincing me I want more olives, like, if you know I want more olives, just put more olives.
- [32:36]
C
And I think it's really. I so wanted to.
- [32:38]
B
I can't believe we're having this conversation. I hope it helps.
- [32:41]
C
But it's like the tea argument, right? It's a much bigger issue. And then I realized, like, because my then fear was, if I put more olives on your food and you're eating, you're like, oh, God, it's actually got a lot of olives. I'd feel like that was a failure on my part, and now I haven't delivered on what I was trying to deliver on. So then I get frustrated. So, like, These. These little, tiny little things that we really do dissect and kind of figure out because it's otherwise.
- [33:05]
B
You argue about olives every time or other things.
- [33:10]
C
All right, so let's have a look.
- [33:13]
B
By the way, thank you. You were amazingly sweet this weekend.
- [33:16]
C
Oh, bless you.
- [33:17]
B
That was very kind to treat me like I was killing mastodons. Thank you.
- [33:23]
C
Mastodons. All right, so this question is from Olavi. Oha. Ahalo.
- [33:32]
B
Give it to me one more time.
- [33:34]
C
Olavi Ahola.
- [33:37]
B
Olavia. Hola.
- [33:38]
C
Sorry.
- [33:39]
B
All right.
- [33:39]
C
All right.
- [33:40]
B
So Olavi, it's kind of a cool name.
- [33:42]
C
Hey, Lisa and Tom, how do you guys manage couple time on a daily basis? I work 50 hours or more and I have two jobs and I'm training four to five times a week, and it takes one hour to my workplace and one hour back home. Busy schedule. And thanks for the answer last time. And I love the story where you guys had to collect coupons and you found the joy. Thanks. Much love from Finland.
- [34:03]
B
Wow, Finland. What's up, Finland? So how do we manage couple time?
- [34:08]
C
Yeah,
- [34:10]
B
well, so here's the important thing to remember. We are not the right couple for everyone to look up to for behavior. I will just say that right now. So the way that we've done it is I am going to work a lot. That is just the truth of my existence, that I'm very ambitious. I like that about myself. It's not something that I have any intention of changing. So we realized, I won't say very quickly, but we finally realized that for if we were each going to have a career, it needed to be the same. Like, we needed to be coming together, building something together. Otherwise it would just be us spending just way, way, way too much time apart. So our thing isn't time together. Our thing is how do we make sure that when we're spending time that is couple time, as you referred to it, that it isn't a business. And that's. That was very hard. We're still not great at it, but we know, like, if we're. The work day is over and it's, you know, dinner time, that at that point, don't bring up work. We're not perfect about it, especially because it's like, don't bring up work unless it's something that's exciting. And because it's not like, a really bright line, which usually comes to my aid because it's not a really bright line that can get a little dicey, especially, like, if I'm really excited. But it just stresses you out or you're really excited. But it stresses me out. I think our big win is Saturdays. Like Saturdays are just sacred time. And if one of us has to work, we try to isolate it. And the other person usually will get work done at that point the same. So it's like we carve out time to say, this is work time, this is together time, and then try not to talk about work during together time.
- [35:55]
C
Yeah. I'd be curious to know if Olavi. If you feel like you have quality time and your other half doesn't, or if you're both feeling the burn. That's interesting, because you don't feel the burn as much as I do. That's the truth. Like, literally, he could go weeks and weeks and weeks and not realize, oh, we haven't had breakfast on a Saturday morning. I don't take that personally. That's just not your personality. You don't think about it. You'll go, go, go. And so laser focused that those other things kind of drop off. And so I think the important thing is I get that about you. And so I have become the, let's say, responsible one in making sure that a we do. And then also recognizing that I get that I feel the burn a lot quicker than you. And so if I feel the burn a lot quicker than him, I have to be very articulate and letting you know I'm feeling the burn. And so I wonder with Olavi if and their partner is feeling the burn and he's not, or vice versa, or if they're both feeling it, because then it becomes like, what are the sort of things you guys can do together? Right. Or carving out that one hour or that one day or that half a day, and making sure that you each understand where the other person has come from. And there's no judgment. Right. You wake up crazy early. Right. 4, 3am Sometimes you work out and you're go, go, go. So I may not actually hang out or have any time until the evening and even that very rarely. Sometimes we'll make maybe eat together and then you're back at work, but I didn't know where. I can't remember where I was going with that one.
- [37:26]
B
It was somewhere amazing.
- [37:28]
D
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- [37:58]
A
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- [38:30]
B
Feeling the burn. You feel the burn more than I do. Go, go, go.
- [38:34]
C
So I think that we just. I don't know specifically where I was going, but I think as a general, like, making sure that she feels heard, because that's very important. You make me feel heard. You don't go, look, I'm on a mission. And, you know, why are you on my case about it? Like, we don't. We don't deal with it like that, right? We sit down, I say, look, I'm feeling a little neglected. I'm feeling like I haven't seen you. I'm feeling like I haven't had time with you. And so you'll be very responsive to that because I'm always supportive on the other thing things. So you'll say, okay, so what do you need? Like, how do you want us to work? Because I'm like, well, I mean, I want dinner with you. And you look at your calendar and it's very strategic. Like, it's very logistical. It's like you look at your calendar, you're like, all right, babe, if you want dinner, like, I'm actually booked until Thursday. Like, what if we have breakfast together instead? Or why don't we work out? We don't ever work out together. But as ideas, right? Like, as things that they could do together that they both feel. Or like you're driving, you said you've got an hour commute. Or what if you called, right. And spoke to her on the way home or spoke to the other person and gave, you know, an account of your day or, like, how you're feeling? So, yeah, I think that you deal with the hours that you do have in the best way and make. Maximize those.
- [39:49]
B
Yeah, the set aside time. Like, let's be really strategic set aside time. Make it be sacred, even if it's once a week. We used to do date night when I was working and you weren't. So it was like, Physically, we were apart all the time. So we set aside date night and we just held that like a religion. And so doing things like that to make sure that you get time and then communicate, make sure that you have rules of engagement so, you know, how much time is okay to spend apart and how much time, you know, do we spend together and what do we do when we're together? And, you know, you just literally have to talk it all out and make sure the other person feels heard, not judged. And so, like you said, when you speak up and say you're feeling the burn, that I'm not. Like, oh, man, come on. Like, I'm trying to. You know, it's like, we've agreed, like, nobody's emotions or agenda is more important than the other person. So you just. Yeah, you have to be super respectful.
- [40:42]
C
There have been many times that you've. I've said, like, oh, you know, I'm feeling the burn. And you've just been very honest, and I.
- [40:51]
B
And what?
- [40:51]
C
Yeah, you've been very honest, and you've said, I'm kind of processing. Like, you've said to me, like, sorry, babe, I know you're feeling the burn, but I have to do this.
- [41:01]
B
Yeah, there are definitely times, and we're both thinking probably of one time in particular, that I think in general, like,
- [41:10]
C
you've done that a few times where it's like, look, I. You know, you spent three nights away, or, you know, I've been sick, like, literally in bed with a fever, you know, 102 degrees fever, and you're not home, or you've got business meetings. And so it's like, I just want. I want to be. Just. Just spoil. Right. I want you to be there night and. Right. Like, selfishly, I want you to be sitting next to me night and day, dabbing me with, you know, the cold towel. But I realize that's not the reality. And there have been times where you've had to travel. Take when our puppy passed away, Batman, right? You had to travel. And so he was super sick. You had to leave. But I didn't hold. Like, I didn't judge you for it. I didn't say, he doesn't love me. He doesn't love our dog. Like, there was nothing. I don't take that as a personal thing because every other time, like, on the days that you are here, you're very attentive. And so I didn't take that, like, as a. Oh, he doesn't care about me. But it's tough, right? It's tough when you're in bed and you're sweating and you've got 102 fever and you have to get up and deal with it yourself. But I don't think of that as being a.
- [42:18]
B
Yeah. And just to be clear, I'm not out with golfing buddies. You know what I mean? So it's like we've agreed on what we're trying to build, and when there's something important. Important. And they collide. So, I mean, trust me, if I never want to be gone when you're sick.
- [42:32]
C
Yeah.
- [42:33]
B
Like, that's brutal.
- [42:34]
C
Sure. And that's. I think it's not that you want to. It's just that you have a drive in you that you know where you need to get to. And those are the times where everybody else would stay home. They would, I guess, like, not push through because you feel so bad leaving me, but you're still going to do it.
- [42:51]
B
Right?
- [42:51]
C
And I don't take that as a. Like, he doesn't love me. He doesn't care for me. All right, next question.
- [42:59]
B
Indeed.
- [43:00]
C
What was that smile?
- [43:01]
B
No, just. You're insanely committed to what we're trying to build. That there is no question that you have totally committed. Like, there's just no two ways about it.
- [43:14]
C
But it's. I don't know if it's like, it's because I'm totally committed to what we're building. I mean, I am. I'm just saying that I think.
- [43:23]
B
Are you trying to tell me something?
- [43:24]
C
Yeah. No, but I think that I'm totally committed to being a facilitator in you achieving what you need to achieve. Does that make sense?
- [43:36]
B
It does.
- [43:37]
C
So, like, it's not like I'm. I'm okay with him doing all these business things because he's doing this goal. Yes, I want to hit that goal, but more specifically, it's. I'm okay with him doing all these things because I know that that's what he needs to do to be the person he wants to become.
- [43:52]
B
Right. What about you?
- [43:55]
C
What about me?
- [43:56]
B
What about you becoming the person you want to become?
- [43:58]
C
Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying in those situations where I think I need you present or need you here, but you can't be right. Do you get what I mean?
- [44:09]
B
I do get what you mean. I'm just thinking, like, I'm putting myself in somebody watching this. What they'll hear in that is that you're just trying to facilitate me. And I want to make sure that they understand that that isn't the sum Total of it. Like, you've got your own agenda. There are things that you're trying to do and push forward and accomplish. And that's why for me, like, the thing that's really made us successful is to build something together so that as you're pushing yourself forward, as you're making sure your agenda is also seen and expressed. So, like, you have these two competing things. You're one, on the one hand, a very driven, independent woman, hell bent to like, be successful and do something amazing. And that's why I think that if something ever happened to me that you would really go into advising people and helping because I know how good you are at doing things on your own and building. And you've got just a lot of incredible wisdom when it comes to that. And then you're also on the flip side, just an insanely incredible wife, somebody who is very supportive, somebody who's totally all in, not only in the relationship, but what we're trying to build. So I can just feel the comments coming. That's why I was. I want to make sure people know that about you.
- [45:26]
C
All right, let's get another question. All right, this question comes from Samir Muhammad and he asks. Hey, guys, you two are the definition of relationship goals. Thank you. I have a question. Consider me a younger Tom who just met his Lisa. What are some core values that you think would be absolutely vital for younger Tom to have communicated thought through with his. His date for successful marriage? Life
- [46:01]
B
with his date. Oh, oh, oh. With the person that he's dating.
- [46:04]
C
Yeah.
- [46:05]
B
All right.
- [46:05]
C
To be a successful marriage, I think
- [46:07]
B
that's aimed at you.
- [46:11]
C
Consider me young twins.
- [46:15]
B
So what values was I trying to communicate?
- [46:18]
A
Sure.
- [46:20]
B
In the beginning, the things that I felt were really important weren't anything specific necessarily.
- [46:25]
C
So absolutely vital to have to communicate through for a successful marriage.
- [46:34]
B
So more than I think that is anything specific, I think you have to be honest about who you are, the things you like, the things that are meaningful to you. So obviously getting you to understand my level of ambition was critical. I needed you to understand that because that was never going to go away. That wasn't. I mean, we talked about that really early on. It's like you can ask me to give up. I didn't say this, but the moral of the story being once we are committed to each other, you could ask me to give up anything except my ambition, because it's the one thing that is so fundamentally me that if you were to ask me to give that up, I would cease to be me. And then Resentment would build up and it would be a nightmare. Other things are sort of affectations, right? It's like, okay, you. You don't. This wasn't something. I'm just trying to think of something. You don't want me to play soccer because hitting the ball with your head causes brain damage. Okay, well, you know, something like that is not a fundamental part of who I am and, you know, whatever. So something like that. I literally can't think of anything like that that we had to give up. But, like, just the. The thing that I knew was so fundamentally me, that just was off limits. We talked about that. We talked about things like, I'm always going to find other women attractive. Like, just the nature of a human being type stuff. I did not want to play the game of you or me expecting of you to pretend that, like, we're not locked in the human condition. And the human condition is people find people attractive. So I was like, look, I wouldn't trust you. This was back when Brad Pitt was just at the height of his sexiness, and I was like, I wouldn't trust you if you said that you didn't find him attractive. Like, so please don't put me in a weird position where it's like, oh, no, no, I only have eyes for you. It's like, now I. I am uneasy. If I just know you're going to be honest. You don't feel that you have to hide anything. Then it's like, it's kind of like facing the. This just came up to me this morning. So. Military people have the saying, never put your back to an entrance, right? So they always try to sit at the back of the room and facing. Just so you can see things coming. And like, in a relationship, if you're not pretending something about your nature is a way other than it is, then it's like I can see everything coming, right? So I don't have to feel weird or awkward. So I was very upfront about that.
- [48:43]
C
I will always find that was amazing, by the way. I remember when you said that to me, and I was, like, taken aback because I had, you know, come out of a long relationship where the guy was jealous if I even just, like, my eye happened to glance past another guy.
- [48:56]
B
Yeah. I mean, look, that just comes from deep insecurity, right? And here's the thing. I get it. I have my insecurities. And part of being in a relationship is giving the other person that power. Like, literally giving them the power to destroy. And then the other person, they earn their credibility by not destroying. Like, and if you're with somebody who abuses that man, that to me is a literal cardinal sin. Like, cannot. I would never tolerate that. So, yeah, being honest about the fundamental nature of human beings and not pretending like you've somehow transcended that. Being honest with those things about you that are fundamentally you and that aren't things that you're going to give away. And then, God, like, this is gonna sound weird, but your level of excitement for things like passion, like sharing that stuff and seeing if the other person is equally excited by that. Because at the end of the day, like, there's gotta be things that you guys share that you're really clicking on, that you're both passionate about, that you come alive when you talk about, that you're gonna be able to enjoy together. And then, God, what else would I think somebody needs?
- [49:58]
C
I just. Sorry, you can keep thinking, but like, I really want to go back to, to that because you had pretty much our first date, or let's say our first couple of weeks of dating, you had said that to me about, like, of course you're gonna find other guys attractive. Like, I'm not. It's actually even more impressive and more meaningful that in fact you said this about me, right? Like both. It's actually more meaningful when there's a sea of good looking people, sea of intelligent people, sea of all this, the types of people you would be drawn to, but I choose you. That's actually more powerful than saying, I don't find anyone else attractive. I don't think. I don't have eyes for anyone else except for you. And when you said that, and this was kind of at the beginning, I was like, that's so true. And I, I think in society we're just so taught that the second you get with somebody, you can't, you have to shut off the other part of you. And so it just becomes a. It's false, right? Like, and now, like, if we're at the gym or, you know, I'll say to you, like, what do you think of that girl's butt? Like, do you like it? Because I wanna. Right? But like, I want to know. Because I want to know. Like, oh, cool. Because I actually think she's, you know, got a decent tushy. That's something I want to build. This is getting weird, right? Like, I so want that type of butt. Do you like it? Because that's what I'm gonna work towards, you know? Or a woman's arms, like, do you think her arms are too muscle? So I actually, yeah, I don't mind. And vice versa. Like saying about the Brad Pitt thing, like, you were so right. It's like, of course you're gonna find other people attractive. Just because you've started dating someone doesn't mean that you shut off that part of you. And so. Yeah, I think that that was so interesting. Powerful. I'd never heard any other guy say that and be that confident. So even if you were insecure, like, it didn't come across like that.
- [51:50]
B
Yeah. Look, my thing is that if you're only with me because I am the most attractive person to you, like, even. Not even in the world, but just to you, like, that is so not antifragile. Like, that is such a position of weakness. What happens if I get in a car accident and I have a scar? Right. Oh, so now we're not gonna be together? Like, it's just crazy. It's crazy. So be upfront, be respectful, be like yourself, be deeply passionate, be engaging, be interested. Like, at some point like that, we need to write the. The 25 bullet points. Yeah. People are asking right now, and I literally have it on my list of important things, and I just have not had a chance. That list is getting longer by the minute. But yes.
- [52:38]
C
So a lot of people saying, where's the condition?
- [52:41]
B
The human condition? The human condition, like, we're all people.
- [52:43]
C
And that is so true. And I think that if we can just embrace it instead of like trying to change it to something we think it should be, I think that people
- [52:53]
B
be a lot happier, man. People be a lot happier. Get behind that notion of commitment. I am with you because I am committed to this. We're all gonna turn to. Look, maybe one day medical science reverses us all, but right now we're on a trajectory to become a bag of wrinkles. That just is what it is. And because I knew it's a one way street to bag of wrinkles, like, I was way more worried about you. Right? So because my thing is guys, to a certain age and extent, they become more attractive as they get older and obtain wealth. Right. So. And women become technically less desirable as they age. So it's like, that's a shitty proposition. So you're saying that, like, we happen to be meeting here in our early 20s, where it's like, I'm not in a great position, but I'm going to be. Right? Because you, you got with me when technically I was super undesirable, did not make a lot of money, did not have access to resources, I was young So I didn't even have, like, wisdom. So it's like, you're kind of getting me at the bargain basement price. And here you are at the height of your attractiveness. And that according to society, it's, like, just all downhill from there for you. And. But for you, it's right, I'm going up and you're coming down. And that we just happen to meet, like, in the middle. And that just seemed like a. A super shitty way to live. Like, talk about being in a relationship should make you feel better about yourself, period. Like, why would you make all the sacrifices? Like, it's got to be building you up. It's got to be better. It's got to be more amazing. Anything else? So literally, I'm going into it thinking, okay, well, that would suck if you didn't feel like, dude, we're in this forever. And that means that we have to reconceive of being with somebody because they're beautiful. So my thing is, look, she is beautiful, and I enjoy the shit out of that. And the fact that you take such good care of yourself, like, I enjoy it. I don't take it for granted. I make sure that you know that I like your tushy. Is that literally? She has never said that word ever before in her life. Heirs and graces and tushy. Like, the microphone brings, like, the weirdest
- [55:07]
C
words out of you because no one would say ass.
- [55:08]
B
Yes. I'm saying, baby, do you like that woman's ass? Do you think it looks good? Yes, I do. Thank you for pointing it out. That's literally my wife. She is not bashful. If she thinks somebody has a good body, she will be the first to point it out. I remember one time, hey, everybody, if you have kids in the car and we haven't already scared you away, now's the time to plug their ears. We were once at the Roosevelt Hotel. Like, this wasn't some dicey place. We're at the Roosevelt Hotel here in Hollywood, and these two women, topless, start kissing. I never would have noticed. You grabbed me and are like, check that out. And I was like, my wife, ladies and gentlemen, is the most amazing human being ever. Zero jealousy. It was incredible.
- [55:48]
C
But you've made me not fear jealousy. And I think that, look, it's a. It's a kind of mixed bag, right? You've got to have confidence. You've got to have. Because, look, there are moments that I don't feel confident at all.
- [55:58]
B
All.
- [55:58]
C
But you have really. You know, you're always very complimentary And I just think it's important to make the other person feel good about themselves. And you've said that to me so many times where you've said, like, like, one day you will be a bag of wrinkles one day. And. And it's like. And you keep saying, I will love you for that. And so that just makes me feel, you know, like, I think every woman fears getting older to some extent. Like, I actually don't fear it, but I do know one day I'll be super wrinkly and super, you know, like. But I look at the women in the gym and I look at the older women and I'm like, they're a badass chick and they're not letting them. Do you remember that woman that was deadlifting? She was like 70 years old.
- [56:40]
B
That was legit.
- [56:41]
C
She was like, deadlifting. Like, what was £120 or something?
- [56:44]
B
I think it was more like 135 maybe.
- [56:47]
C
Oh, maybe. I don't know.
- [56:48]
B
I remember thinking, wow, right?
- [56:50]
C
And you were like, like, you need to be like, you need to be strong. You need to. Right. So that's something in my control. I can't help getting older. Right. None of us can. But you were like, you need to make sure that you're going to be around for a long time, so you need to stay strong. Look how so? It was a shift, at least in my mind, of what was impressive. And like, for you, you're like, it's strength, it's the mindset. It's all these things that don't have to do with things that you can't control, like getting old and getting wrinkle.
- [57:18]
B
Yeah. And I mean, look, I will tell you right now that the number one bullet point of being in a relationship is make the other person feel secure and safe. Like, that's it. That's the name of the game. And because that's what I want so much. Like, I want to make sure that you have that as well. That's just like, otherwise, sacrifices in a relationship just. It doesn't make sense. Being in a relationship is a sacrifice. You are doing things you wouldn't otherwise want to do. The only time in my life where I have legitimately thought I might get arrested right now was when you had your 103 degree fever. One of the times I wasn't traveling and the clinic wouldn't see you because of our insurance, and I was like, yeah, I don't think they understand. Like, you're fucking seeing my wife. And. Yeah. So, yeah, you have to.
- [58:11]
C
Yeah. All Right. So it's actually 11 o' clock already.
- [58:15]
B
Oh, God. And I'm supposed to be doing a podcast right now. Another podcast.
- [58:19]
C
So we're gonna have to.
- [58:20]
B
Is it legit 11 or like two minutes?
- [58:22]
C
Still 11.
- [58:23]
B
Okay. Hey, everybody. Thank you so much. It's been wonderful. Thank you for joining us. This episode got weird as hell. And if you are still watching a. You're my kind of people. Because most people don't make it to the end. And by the way, if you're a sub of our newsletter, when you leave a comment, make sure you put impact sub. I will give you back the I symbol, which is what pops up when you type in icu. So, no, that's what I'm thinking. When I drop that symbol, man, I see you. You guys are the core of our community. The newsletter is our URI thing. That is what I consider to be the absolute epicenter of this place.
- [58:56]
C
How do they get on the newsletter?
- [58:58]
B
You go and take advantage of Agent Smith Genius. Go to our website, impacttheory.com. you will see ever present on every page. There's a place to sign up for that newsletter. Yeah, jump in. It's stuff only for people that do the newsletter. I write the intro, which is basically the meat of the newsletter myself. Like, go get in there. Direct relationship. And I say that just because the community is everything. I have to wrap now, guys. If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to Stitcher Rate and review us. That helps us build this community. And that is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can, deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. All right, guys, thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.