Relationship Theory: Moving in with Your Significant Other (Replay)

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Impact Theory — Relationship Theory: Moving in with Your Significant Other (Replay)

Hosts: Tom Bilyeu & Lisa Bilyeu
Date: September 18, 2023

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Episode Overview

This episode of Relationship Theory, a subseries of Tom Bilyeu’s Impact Theory podcast, delves deeply into the complexities of moving in with a significant other. Tom and Lisa Bilyeu explore the psychological, emotional, and practical implications of cohabitation, especially when motivated by factors like finances or convenience. Drawing on their personal experiences as a couple, they answer listener questions about relationship milestones, address common challenges couples face, and offer candid advice on commitment, trust, and sustaining connection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Intentions Behind Moving In Together

• Financial or Practical Motives:
  Tom raises a key concern about couples moving in together primarily for cost savings or convenience rather than as an expression of commitment.
  • “You cannot simultaneously hold someone at arm's length and completely welcome them into your world.” (Tom, 07:31)
• Committing Wholeheartedly:
  The Bilyeus emphasize that if you do move in, it should be done wholeheartedly, not halfway, to avoid ambiguity and emotional distance.
• Importance of Rituals & Symbols:
  Tom underscores the waning significance of societal rituals (like marriage) and claims this leads to weaker relationship bonds:
  • “Ritual matters, ideology matters, your belief system matters. And the things you do externally to reinforce that and the things you do internally to reinforce that fucking matter.” (Tom, 13:12)

2. Personal Baggage and Past Experiences

• Overcoming Past Hurts:
  Lisa shares how previous negative relationship experiences informed her caution when moving in with Tom.
  • “I had been in a long relationship and... he was a nightmare.” (Lisa, 15:55)
• Security and Risk:
  Despite risk aversion in some areas, Lisa notes that moving in with a new partner can feel especially risky if you’ve experienced betrayal or trauma before.

3. Their Story: Moving In Timeline

• Tom and Lisa reflect on the early years of their own relationship, including a long-distance phase and difficulties around moving in together due to familial and practical concerns.
• “When we actually officially moved in together... that was a year and a half.” (Lisa, 19:05)
• Both admit to breaking some of their own “rules” due to the strength of their connection, ultimately making practical decisions that suited their circumstances.

4. Evaluating Relationship Potential

• Growth Mindset as a Non-Negotiable:
  Tom underscores the need for a growth-oriented partner. If the other person is closed off to change or feedback, it’s likely a dealbreaker.
  • "If they're not open to the idea of a growth mindset … that's just a non-starter for me.” (Tom, 24:04)
• Reinforcement & Shaping Behavior:
  They discuss rewarding positive behaviors and communicating needs clearly, equating it to human nature’s desire for reciprocation and affirmation.

5. Romance, Sex, and Non-Judgmental Communication

• Balancing Needs for Romance and Sex:
  Lisa challenges double standards regarding expectations for romance (typically associated with women) versus sex (typically associated with men).
  • “If a guy was always very demanding or expected sex, women would judge you... but if a woman wants romance, they're not judged in that same way.” (Lisa, 29:04)
• Open & Honest Dialogue:
  Both stress the importance of voicing needs—be it for sex, romance, or anything else—without fear of judgment or shame.

6. Advice for Newlyweds & Long-Term Couples

• Transparency:
  Establish early on what each partner wants and be open about changing needs and expectations as time passes.
  • “Just be authentically... what you're looking for in that relationship.” (Lisa, 32:27)
• Autonomy & Financial Freedom:
  Tom and Lisa recommend having separate discretionary spending money, especially early on, to avoid unnecessary friction.
  • “Have your own spending money. That is, I honestly believe, like, one of the most important tactical things.” (Tom, 33:09)
• Values Alignment:
  Tom suggests explicitly ranking values to provide a framework for resolving conflicts.

7. Routine Assessment & Safe Space

• Consistent Check-Ins:
  While they don’t have formal relationship “meetings,” their frequent and open dialogue acts as ongoing assessment (41:18).
• Safe Space for Vulnerability:
  They cite the importance of not using admissions of insecurity or vulnerability against each other.
  • "When somebody is vulnerable like that... it's only time to receive that, like a sacred moment." (Tom, 44:00)

8. Trust & Avoiding Contempt

• Contempt as Relationship Poison:
  Tom references research showing contempt is a reliable predictor of a relationship ending.
  • “If you have contempt for the other person, you're done. The one thing that if he sees it, he knows that relationship is doomed is contempt.” (Tom, 45:38)
• No Divorce Jokes:
  Tom never jokes about divorce, even though he jokes about everything else, to avoid planting anxiety or doubt in the relationship.

9. Building Intimacy & Connection on a Budget

• Creative Low-Cost Dates:
  The Bilyeus share their favorite low-cost bonding experiences—carpet picnics, blanket forts, thoughtful playlists, and little gestures.
  • “Money does not make romantic time. It creates amazing experiences in which you can have a romantic time.” (Tom, 59:14)
  • Lisa shares the sweet story of how a simple, thoughtful “carpet picnic” with music and snacks triggered Tom’s marriage proposal.

10. Staying Engaged Over Time

• Conversation Starters:
  Tom brings question lists (“would you rather…?”) to romantic dinners and trips to keep dialogue fresh and connection strong.
  • “Even with your spouse, if you want to be interesting, be interested, ask questions." (Tom, 60:14)
• Mixing Up Routine:
  Routine activities can feel special with small tweaks—playing games in a new room, breakfast on the balcony, or building a fort together.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Commitment:

“You cannot simultaneously hold someone at arm's length and completely welcome them into your world.”
— Tom (07:31)

On Rituals:

“Ritual matters, ideology matters, your belief system matters... the things you do internally to reinforce that fucking matter.”
— Tom (13:12)

On Handling Past Pain:

“I had been in a long relationship and... he was a nightmare.”
— Lisa (15:55)

On Growth Mindset:

"If they're not open to the idea of a growth mindset … that's just a non-starter for me.”
— Tom (24:04)

On Romance vs. Sex Double Standards:

“If a guy was always very demanding or expected sex, women would judge you... but if a woman wants romance, they're not judged in that same way.”
— Lisa (29:04)

On Relationship Vulnerability:

"When somebody is vulnerable like that... it's only time to receive that, like a sacred moment."
— Tom (44:00)

On Avoiding Relationship Poison:

“If you have contempt for the other person, you're done.”
— Tom (45:38)

On Money and Connection:

“Money does not make romantic time. It creates amazing experiences in which you can have a romantic time.”
— Tom (59:14)

On Staying Curious:

"Even with your spouse, if you want to be interesting, be interested, ask questions."
— Tom (60:14)

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 03:56 – First listener question on moving in together for practical reasons
• 06:56 – Tom discusses commitment vs. convenience reasons for moving in
• 14:05 – Lisa explains her hesitation based on previous experiences
• 19:39 – Age difference and personal history
• 23:43 – Evaluating if you should pursue someone not “on your level”
• 28:14 – Discussing romance, sex, and communicating needs
• 32:24 – Advice for newlyweds and the importance of honesty and autonomy
• 41:18 – Assessing the relationship: regular check-ins and the ‘cup of tea’ fight story
• 45:38 – Contempt as a risk and the importance of emotional safety
• 52:14 – Creative dating on a budget, story that triggered proposal
• 59:14 – Money and romance: the real source of connection
• 60:12 – Married life hacks: question lists for ongoing curiosity

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Summary Table: Practical Takeaways

| Topic | Bilyeus' Advice/Philosophy | |------------------------|----------------------------------------------------------| | Moving in together | Commit intentionally; don’t use practicalities as sole reason | | Relationship milestones| Don’t follow rules blindly—assess what works for you | | Growth Mindset | Non-negotiable for a thriving relationship | | Handling finances | Start with separate discretionary money; communicate openly | | Romance & Sex | Communicate needs without shame or judgment | | Building connection | Creative, low-cost gestures often trump expensive outings| | Trust & Safety | Openness, honesty, no contempt or harmful “jokes” | | Ongoing dialogue | Frequent, vulnerable conversations; celebrate changes |

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Final Thoughts

Tom and Lisa Bilyeu deliver honest, experience-backed insights into the realities of cohabitation, love, and partnership. Whether discussing practical matters like money or deeper psychological needs, they consistently return to the theme of self-awareness, communication, and building a relationship founded on mutual growth and respect. The episode is rich with actionable advice, real anecdotes, and gentle humor, making it a valuable listen (or read) for anyone navigating the challenges of modern relationships.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory. Hey everybody. Welcome to another episode of Facebook Live, Relationship Theory. I am one of your hosts, Tom Bilyeu.

[C]

And I am Lisa.

[B]

Do you have a last name?

[C]

What could it be that would be

[B]

a little weird to change your last name? That is, as a guy, not something that I've ever had to even contemplate.

[C]

It was super weird when we first got married.

[B]

And is it really true that when you saw my first film, you thought, hmm, that's an interesting last name?

[C]

Oh, hell yeah.

[B]

But like, as in, I want to make it mine.

[C]

Not really. So Tom was my teacher, so you're

[B]

shattering my dreams right now. I should have known better than to ask this question because in my mind I was always like, yeah, well, I

[C]

mean, it's so we should give context. So you are my teacher. You showed your film school for adults. You showed your movie that you made in college, and at the end it said, you know, directed, produced and written by Tom Bilyeux.

[B]

Now are you going to lie? It said, Thomas Bilyeux. Trying to be very official back here.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that's true. What do you mean lie? Yeah. Thomas Biddle you. So I remember thinking, yeah, like, that's an interesting last name. And it wasn't like, I'm going to have that as my name and write it on, you know, like the school folders. I was not doing that. But it definitely was like his, you know, hot guy with like, I mean, look you know that I was very attracted to the fact that you were so talented. So having seen a movie that like, that you had shot, that was so. Yeah. Creative was very. Was it turn on. Can I say that on tv?

[B]

Sure.

[C]

And then seeing your last name was awesome. So.

[B]

All right. Boom, there it is. Random start.

[C]

Random start. All right, so should we just get down to the first question? Let's dive right in.

[B]

Oh, wait, do we have a giveaway or something? Cindy, the voice of the community. Are you saying we have no giveaway?

[C]

We must.

[B]

Can we do an impromptu. All right, let's do an impromptu giveaway right here, right now. As you guys know, our ask right now is to share the content if it's adding value to your life. So if this is adding value to your life, share it and enter yourself a chance to win a. We'll do two. We'll do a 15 minute call. Cause I'm getting hit up more for those now. So we'll do a 15 minute call with me and then we will also do free T shirts. So get on that impact theory T shirt tip by sharing this content. And. Yeah, there it is. Boom. All right, now let's dive in. First question. What do we got?

[C]

First question. We're gonna go to one from last week. We'll start off there and then as people. Yeah, start submitting your questions, guys, so we can get down to this week live. All right, so anyway, last week. This is from Carl, Apsi, Tom and Lisa. It's spectacular you are doing this episode and quite timely for my current situation. Me and my girlfriend of two and a half years are moving in together temporarily to cut costs and spend more time.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I know. Yeah, that's interesting that he said temporarily. We'd love to hear about how. How that happened for you two and any advice you would give for a couple making that move.

[B]

Yeah, so I'll just address the elephant in the room and say that I find it very worthy of discussion that you're saying you're moving in temporarily and that you're doing it to save money. Oh. And to spend more time. That is. I will just say that's very unromantic. So. God, you gotta be careful with stuff like that. So if you're not ready to move in, don't move in. And I think that that's a very reasonable response to say, like, that's not where I'm at and that's not what I want to do. But if you're going do it, like, make the most of the situation and really embrace it and do it wholeheartedly. So, for instance, when I decided that I was gonna propose, that was the hard thing. Once I decided I was gonna propose, like, I was already committed. So getting married was easy. So I put a lot of time and energy into thinking about whether or not I should propo. Wow, I should propose. But then once I had decided to propose, like, that was very easy. Everything else really was about expressing, you know, being romantic and really making you feel to the core of your being how much I love you. So I'll give you an example. We've talked about this before, but bears repeating. When we set up this company, our lawyers expressly advised us not to do it. 50 50. And the reason they said that, hey, do 51 49. That way, God forbid, hey, if things ever were to go awry, that it would be very clear who controls the company. And I said, no, I want you to create the ultimate divorce nightmare. Now, the reason that I said that isn't because I think that it's somehow good for business. It's that it's very good for the relationship. And that 1 percentage point, which you would have very easily said, oh, okay, fine, that's no big deal. It would have rolled off your back and not a worry. But for me, it really was way more important to show you that I'm totally committed and invested in this relationship. And I see it being totally equal than to try and, like, hedge my bets or protect myself or whatever. Now, that's obviously from the position of having been married for almost 15 years, but it's. It was little things like that all along the way that has further solidified our relationship. So I don't think you have any obligation to move in together, but if you're going to do it all the way.

[C]

But here's a question that's coming from. All those decisions were made based on the fact that you never got stung before, right? So it's not. It's not like. So let's say, for instance, this guy, he was in a relationship, and he was. He bought. Got a apartment. I was gonna say flat apartment. Together. And she just took everything. And so now he's in another relationship. He's like, oh, God, I don't want that same problem. So. Oh, it makes financial sense. But, like. So how do you. If you've been stung before, how do you still come to that conclusion? Or do you still come to that conclusion?

[B]

So everything for me boils down to psychology. So, like I said, there's no obligation for you guys to Move in together. I don't think that that is. I don't feel one way or the other about that. Like, if you want to move in, move in. If you don't, don't. I'm just saying whatever you choose, choose it. Don't halfway choose it, because it sets you up so strangely in the relationship to say, hey, there are three reasons that we're moving in together. Two of them have nothing to do with love, romance, and commitment. That, to me, is a mistake, and that is. You're gonna feel those reverberations in the relationship. You cannot simultaneously hold someone at arm's length and completely welcome them into your world. So, I mean, there's. You know, it's very fascinating. And I am not saying this is easy. I'm just saying it's psychology, and therefore it's understandable. So if you're going to really be in a relationship with somebody, I think you have to really be in a relationship. I think two years is plenty of time. If you're unsure, then chances are it's not the right. And if you're just being hesitant because, like, you're not sure that you know how to navigate the waters of a relationship, then I would hope that they're putting all of their time and energy into figuring that out, like, a lot of times. So here's a fundamental belief that I have. I can get myself out of any sticky situation, period. Like, there is no situation that I cannot get to the other side of. And because I believe that I don't walk into something, like, totally confused and afraid, I go in. So it's like, I know I can extract myself on the other side if I need to. So I don't know, to, like. For instance, I got a tattoo of your name, and it's this whole Greek thing. And anybody who knows me knows it was a ritualistic scarification to be. I think so, yeah. Which I know is, like, a real thing for you. And. And I actually wants to see it up close. Feel free to ask for sure. As you should. And here's why I don't go out of my way. I'm not weird about it. I would happily do it. But here's why I will never do it just of my own. Like, that shit was for me. Okay, so it wasn't for me to, like, make some public proclamation. It was to go through a painful and permanent reminder that I'm a different human being from one day to the next. That's it. This wasn't meant to be showy. It's to meant not meant to be a billboard for other people to see. And that's one of the reasons I love that it's in Greek. Not only is that a nod to you, but I didn't need other people to know what it meant. It was very, very intensely for me. Now, I brought that up because when I got the tattoo, I had to acknowledge that something could happen to you. So you know me, I don't even think about divorce. I don't even let that in my head. And I think that's one of the reasons that it will never happen. But you could die and there's nothing that I can do about that. And then I would be starting over it now I knew that I would be able to come to terms with that and I would find a way to move forward. And that if I were then to get in a subsequent relationship, that I would be able to make that person incredibly comfortable with that and that they would understand why that was important to me, that that was actually something that was empowering and beautiful and that if they couldn't embrace it, then they literally couldn't embrace me. So it was like I knew I'll be able to navigate those waters. So having that confidence in yourself that you'll be able to figure something out, that you'll learn whatever you need to learn, that you'll get whatever skill you need to get, allows you to really commit to things. And I think it's bullshit when people say like, oh, you know, I've been stung, I've got this baggage now I'm older, it's harder. You've allowed yourself to harden. And you and I have talked a lot about this business, has made every attempt to harden, you and I. And in some ways there's no question it has. But do we not work to make sure that we don't become just like the fucking cynical hard ass people like we really do? I'm just saying people need to put that effort in. Like it's not going to happen magically. It's not going to happen by acc accident. But like, to not like theory of mind, you have to be able to project yourself into the other person's shoes. And if like in the beginning we really had a scuffle because I wanted you to move in and you didn't, which is where we need to get to ultimately in the story so that people can hear that because like, you have to be able to talk through that, get to the other side of it. And I remember very, very clearly how that made me feel rejected and so it's like, I'm just whichever one of them. And it's not necessarily him, maybe it's her saying that it's temporary and that it's for cost savings. And maybe he's just trying to come to terms with that, which is very possible. But somebody in that equation, or maybe both of them, but that does not say, we're in this together. We're in it for the long haul. We're totally connected. And there's this whole, like, thing now where fewer and fewer people are getting married, people are having kids and not getting married, which to me, like, that's dizzying and bizarre because I think people aren't acknowledging the truth of that ritual, that hardcore commitment, doing something like really making a proclamation that we're committed to each other, that matters. And I mean, this is one of the driving forces behind impact theory is ritual matters, ideology matters, your belief system matters. And the things you do externally to reinforce that and the things you do internally to reinforce that fucking matter. And when you don't do them, then the, like, the re. You're not reinforcing the belief in your mind. Like, the tattoo reminds me of what this is about. Reminds me what commitment is. It reminds me of what permanence is. It reminds me that I'm different, and it reminds me that I have to act in accordance with that. And if people aren't willing to give themselves totally to that, then don't be surprised when your relationship struggles. Like, I don't think people need to

[C]

be in a relationship saying the reason them getting together for anything other than the. The mythology of what it means to come together as a unit is a mistake.

[B]

No, I'm just saying that there's no reason you need to be in a relationship, but if you're going to be in one, then set it up for success. And I don't think people really think about, from a psychological perspective, how do you set yourself up for success? Because it's. There are things, there are rituals. I mean, look at society. We have rituals. We have symbols. And the symbols and the rituals are weakening over time. They're in some cases being totally discarded. And then we pick our heads up and go, wow, so weird that the divorce rate is 50%. It's not weird. It's. Psychology is the baseline physics of any human relationship.

[C]

Cool. Awesome.

[B]

Well, are you not gonna help people out and let them understand? Why didn't you want to move in with such a lovely, available bachelor? I don't.

[C]

I just. I was very. What sweet is. I Was gonna say I'm very cautious, but I'm actually. You were saying on one of your lives that you're not a risk taker, but I am. So it's interesting that like about rules and risk taking, things like that, you're a rule breaker. I am a total follower. Yeah.

[B]

You get offended by rules and wonder why I'm following them and lose a little bit of respect every time I stand in a line or something like that. And she's laughing because she knows it's true.

[C]

But Hazel thing, I mean, look, standing in line, to me there's just other ways to deal with.

[B]

Such as cutting in line.

[C]

No, no, I don't, I don't cut. But like things like for instance, at Starbucks once we had a. There was a massive line. It was like this big event, a convention center. And I was already running late and it was like a. I mean literally there was like 50 people in line just for a Starbucks. So I went straight to the front. There was this, you know, it was a bunch of teenagers because it was like a YouTube event. So there was these bunch of teenagers and I was like, look, I'm never going to be cheeky and ask for that. Doesn't behoove other someone else. So I went up to this, you know, 14 year old girl in line at Starbucks was right at the front. She was like, next in line. And I was like, hey, do you mind if I, you know, join you in your order and I'll pay for your coffee? And she was like, okay. Like she couldn't believe her luck. So I was like, well, that was a win, win situation. I don't even. Oh, rule breaking. So things like that where it's like there are ways around it, but also there is something to being risky. It gives you a bit of an adrenaline rush. Like I like feeling.

[B]

So why then again, wouldn't you move in?

[C]

Yeah, so that's. That's kind of

[B]

Cindy's off camera. It's a totally different.

[C]

It's true. I mean. Well, no, here's the thing. I had been in a long relationship and I'd been with a guy for four years and he was a nightmare. And so it was one of those, like, I'm never supposed to be the

[B]

guy that smashed your car window the night before our wedding.

[C]

It was the guy that smashed, yes, my car window the night before our wedding. But that just made us our wedding story.

[B]

I don't think he's bitter though. I think he's fine.

[C]

Yeah. But I just had really bad experience. So it was like, you know, one minute a guy was nice and the next minute a guy wasn't. And because me and you had done the long distance thing for so long, I'd never lived with you. So that was scary. And to be honest, let's face it, the pressure of my dad, a very tip, you know, strong Greek father who was. Yeah, just like, be careful. Be careful. Like, stay on your own. And then, look, if it works out, then it works out great. But, like, do those incremental steps, which I don't think it hurt our relationship at all.

[B]

No. But at the time, I didn't like it. And so my point bringing it up was that especially to. Honestly, if two years in, you weren't into it, like, that would have been it for me. I would have known that you weren't in it context. How long did you guys wait?

[C]

Ah. All right. Thank you.

[B]

Very good.

[C]

So. Because back then, it was very different back then.

[B]

We're not 75, but let's face it.

[C]

Well, hang on a minute. All we had was email.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

There was no texting. You couldn't do, because America didn't have Texas at the time. So we couldn't text. There was no Skype calls. So we had been dating for

[B]

three

[C]

months because I had gone to England, and then I came back, and that's when you said, come and stay with me.

[B]

And. And just for the record. Okay, hold on. Because that would be insane.

[C]

3.

[B]

But it was for a very short period of time. It wasn't like you were moving in forever. You needed a place to stay, you had a job and you were coming back without a place to stay. And I said, stay with me.

[C]

Yeah. So we were dating. We had been together for three months. At least one, if not two months, was long distance. That was through email. So here's an American guy telling me to, hey, come stay with you. And I felt like I knew you, but for a short period of time, sure. But I'm in an entirely different country.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't know anyone. So my dad was literally like, are you crazy? Like, my dad. Bless his heart.

[B]

It does sound a bit crazy, even to me.

[C]

Right. Thank you. So you basically had said to me, you know, come stay with me. We'd only been dating for, like, solid a month and a half.

[B]

I basically violated. Go ahead. Sorry.

[C]

No. So my dad was like, I'll give you the money, rent an apartment, and then you guys can hang out. But if something goes wrong, where are you going to retreat to? I had no family here. I had no friends here. You were the only. In fact, the more I say it, the more thank God. Like so. But when we actually officially moved in together, because then you moved to London, you stayed for six months in London with me and my mom and we were living together at my mom's house.

[B]

Yeah. So, yeah, we'd been together by then almost a year and a half.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So the sort of official move in was a year and a half.

[C]

Right. All right, so let's get to some questions. I see our lovely people online. Dan Bro Fitness. Joshua Martel, Ibrahim. Guys, thank you for joining us again as always. Really appreciate that. All right, so let's get to some questions. All right, so there's some simple, easy answers, I think. So Joshua wants to know what's the age difference between you?

[B]

17 years, which is amazing. Right now it's what, three and a half?

[C]

You've got that oil painting in the attic.

[B]

Yeah, right. Or you're aging very poorly. One of the two. Yeah, three and a half years.

[C]

About three and a half years between us. Yeah. Dan Bro wants to know, how did you work out the visas?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a nightmare.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, so to be honest, it was. We looked at both countries and saw which country had looser restrictions. London was.

[B]

Well, that's for the, that was for the fiance visa. So, yeah, backing up. It started going back and forth. So I went there first for like a 10 day vacation, come back from the 10 day vacation, realize I'm in love. Which now puts us in like this horrible situation of how do we make this work? And then I am not a believer in fate, but our own story, which I won't go into now, but our own story really tempts me. The absurd number of things that line up to make this work. Immediately after I come back, a friend's like, hey, I need PAs for a movie and it pays. And so you were able to then convince your dad to help support you to come out because you'd have a paying job. So then you came out for three months and then the place I was working at sent me there and then we looked at to London and paid me in, in the US for a gig in London, which was the only way I was able to make it work. And then we looked at the fiance visas and in the us, fiance visa at least back then was only three months, but in the UK it was six months and then that would give us time to finish planning the wedding. So we did that.

[C]

Wow, that was very legit.

[B]

That's a Very. Yes, A. Which is not my strong suit. But also brief. Which also not necessarily my strong suit,

[C]

but ultimately, look, at the end of the day, it was. We were going to make it happen. Like, we never. I think maybe when you first came to London, that very, very first trip, I remember being on the subway and you were like, we'll just move to la. Because there was. There was a connection between us that none of. Neither of us had ever felt. So we were talking serious after, like the first month. I think both of us were. So when you came to London to visit me, I remember us on the subway and you're like, come and live in England, in the United States. And I was just like, are you joking? My dad will never let me. And I remember you literally turned around to me and you were like, you're an adult. You make your own decisions. Why isn't it possible? And like, that was. That was our attitude throughout. So no matter, you know, it didn't matter what visa. Like, we. We were just determined to get around it. So, yeah, we just figured it out.

[B]

It's funny that your dad played a big role in our relationship in the very beginning. I forget that now, but we were young. We really did break most of my relationship rules.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's pretty.

[C]

And we've learned a lot since then. So I think looking back now, it's like, oh, my God, that was crazy.

[B]

But, yeah, but we made it work.

[C]

We made it work. Okay, let's get to some more questions.

[D]

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[A]

When you manage procurement for multiple facilities, every order matters. But when it's for a hospital system, they matter even more. Grainger gets it and knows there's no time for managing multiple suppliers and no room for shipping delays. That's why Grainger offers millions of products in fast, dependable delivery, so you can keep your facility stocked, safe and running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[B]

This is great. The airtime. Crickets. Crickets. So we need, like, some fillers here from Jesse Benningfield from earlier. All right, from this life. Is it a waste of time to see the potential in a race relationship and pursue it if the other person is not on the same level? Wow. Depends on. So is it a waste of time to pursue somebody who's not on your level? That really depends on what we mean by your level. The one thing, if I were getting into a new relationship now, the one thing I would do, I wouldn't even demand that they have a growth mindset, but I would very much. I would only move forward with somebody who responded positively when I pointed out the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. If they were like, oh my God, I've never thought of that, that's totally changing my life. That's amazing. Then that could be very interesting. So for me there's a few things. If they're not excitable, if they don't get excited about things, that's just a non starter for me. And if they're not open to the idea of a growth mindset and the way to know that is not what they say just when you first bring it up. But the first time they're being in a fixed mindset and in the most loving, non douchey way possible, you bring it up and they then embrace it and go, you know what, you're right. And I'm grateful for that. Maybe not right that second, they'll probably have a defensive reaction at first, but like if an hour later when they've calmed down, they're actually grateful for that. Which is something you and I do. We're not always perfect in the moment, but usually within 30 minutes we're like, you know what, I'm actually really glad you said that. Or I can totally see your point now. And so when we were young and at the beginning of our relationship, we would lose entire days to being pissed off. But now, like, Jesus, can you remember the last time there was more than like 30 minutes?

[C]

No.

[B]

So I mean that's conscious effort, something we work on. Talk about reward each other. When somebody does that and like is able to calm their emotions and like really see where you're at. Like, we don't just let that go unacknowledged. So we're both like, really make the effort to reward the other person for doing that and calming down.

[C]

Funny, because I've heard other people, like, they don't like the use of that,

[B]

but carrot and stick.

[C]

Yeah, but like I think that Karen stick literally for any situation, whether you're in a relationship, whether it's business, friendship. It's like, there needs to be something that you get, like when you do something that. Like, if I do something that makes you happy, like, if I didn't just get that pleasure back in some way, it'd be like, well, hang on a minute. I'm going out of my way to do all of this, and I'm not getting anything in return. It's like, of course you always want to get something in return, even if it's pure satisfaction. So my satisfaction is knowing that I make you happy. So if you were just, like, beating me over the head the entire time, like, every time I did something that made you happy, but you never vocalized it, now I'm not getting the satisfaction that I need, which then in turn encourages me to do it more.

[B]

Right.

[C]

So, yeah, I think that that's so important. And we're very candid and open with each other about that, about being, you know, very honest when you like something. And, you know, who doesn't want to pat on the back? Who doesn't want to feel good about themselves? Everybody does.

[B]

So, yeah, I think it's a huge deal. And I've never. I've always been taken by surprise when people are like, oh, that's so weird. It's human nature, right? So you want. If you do something nice for somebody or good or even forget for somebody else, like, just if you do something and the other person's impressed, you want to hear that they're impressed. And if you want more of something to vocalize it and say, hey, I really like that. I'd love it if you did that more. You're more likely then to get that behavior because a, the other person is aware of it, B, it feels good to be like, oh, wow. Like, maybe they didn't even realize that was, like, a good on you kind of thing, where it's like, oh, man, that's so cool. Like, I was just being me or whatever, or that just seemed to make sense. But, wow, that really felt nice. That's fantastic. And then, like, then you really want to do it. And you create, like, you shape your partner over time. And if you are silent, a lot of that shaping is going to happen by accident. But humans just pick up on the most subtle of cues. And there's nothing worse than feeling like you have to read somebody's mind. In fact, those are always the times where you and I are like, please, like, don't make me be a mind reader. Like, that's always the one sort of remaining, like, we Know of each other, that will make the effort. But the other person has to say, like, what exactly they're going through, like, what the idea is so that you can get to that point.

[C]

Yeah. And it makes me think of, let's talk about sex and romance, for example. Let's do it. Women, a lot of women, and I used to be like this, too. So I can actually, you know, before we met, had this mentality, expect romance, right? Like, if he wants to be with me or not, even if he wants to be with me. But, like, a man should be romantic.

[B]

I know he used to do nice things.

[C]

What has he done for you?

[B]

What has he done for you lately?

[C]

But the thing is, is, like, people. Women expect romance, right? It's like if a guy wasn't romantic, there'd be. If a guy didn't buy you flowers on your birthday, for instance, the woman would be upset and feel like they have every right to. And moan about it. But now fl. And what if it was the same with sex for a guy, right?

[B]

The sex really trying to rattle people up today.

[C]

I mean, I guess I just want to get to the core, like, that's the truth, right? Is that if a guy was always very demanding or expected sex, women would judge you. They would think less of men because, oh, my God, all he wants is sex. Right? But if a woman wants romance, they're not judged in that same way. So me and you have a very clear understanding about how much romance I need, how much romance I want from. And then do the same with sex. And we have that, like, beautiful. I don't know, like, half meeting halfway where it's never expected, but it's always articulated and laid out. And it's like, look, this is meaningful to me. And. Yeah. I just think that I actually feel bad for guys that they can't openly discuss, like, how much they want sex with their partner or because they're made to feel bad. But a woman can with flowers.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, the best line on that that I ever heard was, women need to feel loved in order to have sex, and men need to have sex in order to feel loved. And I thought, yeah, sounds about right.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. It's very true. All right.

[B]

I don't know that we'll make that into a T shirt, though.

[C]

I don't know. People may buy it. Okay, so we have from Laura Dufresne. What's up, Laura?

[B]

Laura

[C]

Isaac. And I. Was that her name? Laura Dufresne? Isaac?

[B]

No.

[C]

Oh. So thank you, Sins. Thank you. Okay. Sorry. Laura Isaac. And I broke a lot of my relationship rules too. So happy it worked out and that we're both on a growth mindset, entrepreneurial journey together. Our one year wedding anniversary is in June. What is the best P for piece of advice for newlyweds? Well, first of all, congratulations on your one year. That's amazing.

[B]

Well played.

[C]

That is awesome. What is the one best piece of advice for newlyweds?

[B]

Do you have yours?

[C]

I think it goes back to what we were just talking about. Like, be open and honest about what you really want and. And make sure that he can as well. Without judgment from you. Right. So that's another thing. Going back to the sex thing is that, like, if you wanted it two, three times a day, there's no judgment on that. You may not get it two, three times a day. But you need to be open to be able to say that and then figure out, okay, well, how do we work around it? What are things that are important to you? Things are important to me. Maybe romance isn't the most important thing to me, but what is? And then kind of laying those ground rules from now a. I think is very important because I think as a newlywed youth, you try to put on the airs and graces of a newlywed.

[B]

You never say that. You've never said those words except on camera. It's so funny. Errors and graces. Yeah.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Ever, Ever, ever. The last time you said it, you said like eight times.

[C]

Did I really?

[B]

I was like, I'm gonna let it slide. I'm gonna let it slide. But now I gotta call you out.

[C]

What phrase?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

Oh. Anyway, it's not a problem, by the way.

[B]

It's just so funny. I've never heard you say that, like, ever. And now like nine times. But exclus.

[C]

Well, all right. Yeah. Well, as.

[B]

And Graces don't put on heirs and graces.

[C]

Yeah. And like, just be authentically. You gotta. You know, they always sound cheesy, but, like, the real, like, core of what you're looking for in that relationship. What has worked in that first year, what hasn't worked in that first year, what you thought you really wanted and then realized, oh, my God, like, when I got married, I thought this. But like, a year down the line, I've actually changed my mind. Like, having those honest discussions of where you've changed since you first met or where you've changed since you first got married. Because if we didn't discuss that, like, we may be sitting. Well, we wouldn't be sitting here. I'D probably have four kids on my arm, you know, like. But just like that honest truth of. Of every year that you go by,

[B]

like, having those discussions, mine's a little more practical. And you, and I'm going to say, have separate spending money. That is, I honestly believe, like, communication number one, 100%. And there's entire universes of books that could be written around that. So I won't derail us on that right now. But right below that, from just a pure tactical standpoint, have your own spending money. Like, there is something too, when you get in a relationship, and it is beautiful. And to be somebody's number one is one of the most meaningful things any human being can have. It is so nice, which is why I don't understand people to stay in relationships where clearly that person actually has a lot of bitterness towards you. But setting that aside for a second, not completely losing yourself in the relationship is, like, one of the most important tactical things that you have to do. So the having selfish time is important. And then the money thing is really where it expresses itself most sort of manifestly, which is when you have something that, like, is yours and you can do whatever, you could literally light it on fire if you wanted to. Then I find that just having that one area where I didn't have to convince you I was right, and you didn't have to convince me that I was right. I didn't have to see you spend your money on something that was like, oh, God, that could have been a book or a video game or whatever, and vice versa. That was one of those. I don't remember where I read that. What made us take it so seriously. But in that first year especially, that was like a godsend. Now, the irony is we don't do that anymore, but for the first, I don't know, a few years.

[C]

But what we do do now is I still vocalize what's really important to me that you wouldn't necessarily do. So let's take our anniversary, for instance.

[B]

Were you going away from money, though?

[C]

No, no, no. Literally, money. Okay, so take our anniversary, for instance. Right? You're very practical. And it's like, we don't need to do this. We don't need to do that. But I'm like, look, I know we don't need to, but I don't ask necessarily for much. So even though you don't necessarily want to spend this money, it's actually a really important time for me to feel a certain way. So, like, hey, I really want. God, I really want to go on this type of vacation for our anniversary.

[B]

It's not really about money, though. That's. That's about saying what's important to you.

[C]

No, but it's. It's also. I think it's about money because you're saying, like, it's not worth it. Like, why on earth would I pay X, Y, and Z? Okay, perfect example. So our anniversary last year, I wanted our very night of our anniversary to do something really special. And so there was this beautiful dinner on a beach that they had available at the hotel we were staying at. And you were like, that's ridiculous. I'm never spending that much money on dinner at a beach. Like, I can. We can go grab some food and then walk to the beach with a blanket and just sit on the blanket and, you know, eat our food. Like, why on earth would we pay this much? And in that moment, I was like, I really want to. Like, it will make me feel like it's a special moment in time. Like a freeze frame of us having this beautifully catered dinner together. And I don't ask much. I don't often say, like, I want to spend this much money. So, no, this is actually important to me. So even if you disagree that it's worth the money, it actually is to me. And so I said that to you, and you were like, okay, well, look, if it's that important, then sure, let's. Let's spend the money. And we did, and we had an amazing time. And that memory now is stuck with me. But I won't do that all the time. But I'm very conscious about, like, even though it's not worth, like, it's a waste of money, it's still important to give me that feeling that I was looking for.

[B]

It's interesting to me, that story is not about money at all, which is why we don't have our own spending money anymore. Because my point with the reason that I think money gets in people's way is they can't agree on how to spend it. It becomes a fight. And they don't think to put sort of a logistical thing in place of, okay, I have my money, you have your money. We've agreed. This much goes to bills, this much goes to saving, and then this is left over, and you can do whatever you want with it. With that, it was. I think that's about you needing to know that creating that memory is more meaningful to me than saving that money. Right. Which is because it's coming out of the same place. It's not that we can't afford it. It was purely a value system thing. So for me, it wasn't like, it's important for people to understand. Like, that wasn't a stressful financial spend for us. It was purely me saying that activity is not worth this price tag and you saying, I need to know that that memory is worth enough to you that you will part with the cash, essentially. So for me, like, that really comes down to your earlier point, which does, I think, really trump money, which is saying what you want, even if you. Without judgment, you know, without. I'm not then going to push back. If you say, hey, this is really important to me, this memory, it seems like it'd be very meaningful. I'm not going to push back and say, no, it's not worth it. Because I really here you're saying it's important, which we have shorthand. So that really means something to us. We've defined that term. We know how the other person is supposed to act when we use it. You never abuse it. So, you know, it really is something I think much more important than money, which is that be honest about what you need, what you want, what's meaningful to you, and then as the receiving partner, to be really open to that and not be judgmental and not like you have to be so careful not to get into a values conflict. And so for me, and something that you and I have talked a lot about, not necessarily in the relationship, because it's actually pretty rare that that conflict happens. But like with family, where we said we'll never let money, like be a problem with family and actually holding true to that. So like when you come and say, hey, I really want to do this, and for me it's just a question of money, it's like, okay, my wife is saying something is important. She's never abusive. You're definitely not. You don't spend a lot of money, you don't ask for a lot of things. So I mean, it's like that becomes very easy. So it's like, okay, do where. Where does money fit in the values equation? And there it's just so clearly below it that that becomes easy. And then actually talking about what your values are and laying those out and having those conversations. And I'm sure people think this is stupid, but if I felt like we needed to, I would rank order them them and just say like, here's our top value, here's our second value, our third value, fourth. And then if something were to happen, we don't. We haven't actually done this just because the conflict has never arisen. But this is like how my mind works, where it's like, I don't want the cognitive load of having to like reinvent everything every time. That's why I created the 25 bullet points of like what I had to do to my mind. It's just like, hey, there they are. And you know that this is how you need to think and believe and act in order to move forward. So if we had needed to, I would have rancorded the values and then we would say here, the collision of two values, one's in position two, the other's in position eight, like that's a no brainer. And we've agreed on that. And so that becomes the arbiter in those moments. And I know how weird people think that sounds. And it's things like that that I think have allowed us to have the

[C]

kind of relationship that actually leads to my next question, which made me smile. It's from See Maria Kablessingi.

[B]

Maria Kablessingi.

[C]

Yeah, sure. Sorry. Maria. Singh is what? Cindy?

[B]

Maria, we know at least that's right. Maria, what's up?

[C]

Maria?

[A]

When you manage procurement for multiple facilities, every order matters. But when it's for a hospital system, they matter even more. Grain. Grainger gets it and knows there's no time for managing multiple suppliers and no room for shipping delays. That's why Grainger offers millions of products in fast, dependable delivery. So you can keep your facility stocked, safe and running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[C]

Hey guys, what's your method to consistently assessing the relationship? Setting goals, targets, or discussing issues? Do you have like a monthly meeting? I love that that would be something we would do is have a monthly meeting. We don't, but it's. We do definitely assess that for business. Yeah, we do for sure. But how do we do for relationships?

[B]

You want me to go first?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, you're just going to say yes, that is exactly what we do. We are verbose. We talk about everything we talk about. Especially because of the T argument, which I think that most people have already heard about. But one of the biggest fights in the beginning of our relationship that we ever got into was over a glass of a cup of tea. And very quickly, actually not very quickly. It took a very long time. Hours and hours and hours. We finally realized this argument is not about the cup of tea. It's about something much deeper. And let's talk about the thing that's much deeper and that gave a shorthand to when we're having an argument like that, where we go, okay, what this. We're talking about the T, what's like, the real underlying issue. And we've both, over time, really proven that we have a willingness to say what our motives are, are even when they're ugly, even when they're not pure, when they're about insecurity, if they're about jealousy, if they're about whatever. I mean, any, any ugly emotion, right? We've always been really willing to say, like, I know this is petty, but this is actually what I care about. And then, like, I cannot tell you how freeing that is, but it comes from when somebody is vulnerable like that. Because the reason people don't want to admit something that's petty is because it's petty and you feel like an asshole. And if the other person was like, yeah, you're an asshole, then now you're screwed. So you're just going to put defenses up, you're not going to admit it the next time. You're going to keep arguing about the T. And so we've always been very, very careful about not being judgmental, not punishing the person by being spiteful. When somebody says, look, it's about this, it's this insecurity or this pettiness or this childish desire, I get it, but, like, it's real. And that's really what I'm feeling. And that's always been met graciously on both sides. And so you end. You end up creating a safe space. And I think that's one of the things that'll end up making the list because I did tell people that we would create that. Whatever the equivalent of the 25 bullet points for relationships is, you have to create a safe space. And that safe space means like, like actively dropping your judgments. And when somebody presents themselves with vulnerability, that. That is, like, sacred and that you never tease. Like, you have to know in a moment like that, like, when someone is vulnerable, it's not time for a joke, right? It's not time to tease them. It's not time to snipe at them. It is only time to receive that, like a, like a sacred moment.

[C]

And but we're always very honest with, like, look, I'm super insecure about this, so. Because I know that you're not going to use that as a judgment or I'm not going to use that as a judgment on you or as a tool in, you know, like, say, that say that.

[B]

What were you going to say? You almost said the word, I'm not going to use it in the future against you.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And that is so important.

[C]

And so because I know you're not going to use that against me and you know that I'm not going to use that against you, we can be very honest about this is a sore topic for me. I'm very insecure about this. It's a sore topic. Like, and then to now it's on your radar. And, you know, we have that understanding. And because you don't use it against me, I can say it out loud because most of us, I think all of us have, like, certain insecurities about us that we. We react weirdly when someone, you know, like, presses on that insecurity. Now when other people don't know that it's an insecurity yours, they just think like, wow, she acted really crazy. Like, what's wrong with her? Like, why does she get so upset when X, Y and Z happen? Because the truth is, you may not know that, that that's what they're insecure about, but being able to say that to each other and be honest about. I'm super insecure about this. Please don't tease me about this or please, like, help me through it. We get on that same page. So now we act like a team. And I feel like you're helping me with insecurity versus just like being able to either use it against me or ignore it.

[B]

I need to look up who did this study because this is like one of those things is such a core part of how I think about relationships. And I long ago forgot who did it. But there was somebody who looked at relationships and he could predict with a 98. I think it's 98% accuracy, who would break up within five years, five or 10 years. And he said it all came down to the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And there were four things in a relationship that signified its doom. And the one that stayed with me and he said, is the one that if he sees it, he knows that relationship is doomed. It's contempt. And if you have contempt for the other person, you're done. Like, there's. You're just done. And I see that all the time. Like, people show contempt for each other, like where they're legitimately pissed about something, but, like something that happened God knows how long ago. Yeah. And just has never been talked through, never gotten over. And so it's snowballed, snowballed, snowballed. And it's when somebody doesn't feel heard, they don't feel respected, they don't feel protected, like, emotionally protected, and then they develop contempt for the other person. And that's just. I cannot think. So, first of all, I was actually thinking about this earlier today. For some reason, like, if you had that feeling and your instinct is, I want that other person to change, and almost certainly at some point, you didn't make them feel safe. And you know me, I just blame myself for everything because it keeps me in control. So if you were showing contempt for me, I would say, okay, I have not made a her feel safe. She feels like she has to take these digs at me, like, what have I done to not make her feel emotionally safe? And how can I go about rectifying that? But, yeah, man, if you. You have to, like, address the stuff as it happens in real time.

[C]

And that's the thing, because that contempt builds up over time, and if people aren't really paying attention to it, like, a lot of people just brush things under the rug because it's easier sometimes. But, yeah. Five years later, like, that becomes something that.

[B]

Yeah. So let's talk about the fact that I never make jokes about divorce. And I. I realize that very early on. I don't think I've.

[C]

But, like, you make. You're so jokey about everything like that. But that's. Which is why the fact that you don't make jokes about that is actually really powerful. Like, you're, you know, like, say, I'm gonna stab you in the eye, and of course, with a coffee table, for the record. And he said that to me before. Right. This super jokey. But you never make a joke about divorce, or neither do I. But.

[B]

Yeah. And that was normal that you. Yeah. And I just thought, like, talk about eroding someone's emotional safety because you joke because there's truth in it. Right? So, like, every Planning to stab me

[C]

in the eye with a coffee table.

[B]

For sure, Avi, you know what I mean? Like, when people throw out, like, a specific little zinger, it's usually because there's some truth hiding in it. And that's where it. When you start throwing something out, like divorce, and people start going, it's actually funny. Like, there have been times where, like, the divorce joke was the funny joke to go for, and it would have gotten a laugh from you. And I just thought, but, God, it plants, like, this little seed in the back of your mind that it's a consideration. But if I won't even joke about it, then you know, like, I take that seriously. Like, there is a bright line that is not an option. I will not be leading with that. I will not be going to that. That is, like, totally off the table for me. And so I'm gonna go through every conceivable remedy just because, like, I've just put that out of my mind. And there are a thousand other things like that, but that one's just easy to point to. To. And I think people have to be very careful and cognizant about how they construct the relationship, how they deal with each other, what they're willing to do. It's like the compliment instead of criticize thing. Like, if you, like, the criticisms are going to be there, you could have a thousand criticisms every day about how I'm doing something. I get that. But if you focus instead on the things you want to compliment me for, which doesn't mean that you can't constructively say, like, hey, here are some things that I really think that either I need help. I need you to change. I think you could do better, whatever. And you do give me that feedback. But it's. It's not like this constant dripping of like, oh, this, oh that, oh, this, oh, that. It's.

[C]

What is it? The Asian water, Chinese water torture, which

[B]

is probably really no longer an acceptable

[C]

thing, but you know what I mean? Like, it's the. It's the. It may be just a drip drip, but over time, that. That drip becomes, yes, torturous torture indeed. So. All right, and just going back to the fact that you don't joke about that. It's those tiny little things that may not seem important, like, as a whole scheme of things, but it's those tiny little things that you and I do with each other that makes me trust you 100. Like, I don't fear you going off and cheating. I don't fear us getting divorced, because I always think, like, we're going to work through. If we have a problem, we're going to work through, through it. And so I've never once checked your phone, ever. Things that I hear other women do. Like, I just.

[B]

I. I'm in your phone all the time.

[C]

Good luck finding something. But, you know, I mean, like, it's.

[B]

Can we just stop on that for a second? Why would you want to be in a relationship where you don't trust somebody? Yeah, I. I wouldn't want. Like, that's. That does not sound fun.

[C]

But again, does. Do you think that that happens overnight, or do you think it's like. Like, little Things like, I feel insecure today. Yeah, it's a thousand little things. But it's also on the flip side, it's a thousand little things that makes me trust you completely, which is why those I don't ever look. Even think about looking at your phone or following the second. I would have to worry or I would have the thought, like. Like, who's he texting? Like, to me, we've done something majorly wrong in our relationship to get to that point.

[B]

So, yeah. I mean, honestly, if I found myself wanting to check your phone, the phone is the tea. Like, you. You've got to immediately get to. Okay, what has happened that's made us feel that we can't fully trust each other? And let's just start processing through it one by one, because, man, the phone is the T. Yeah.

[C]

So true.

[B]

Word.

[C]

All right, next question.

[B]

Next question.

[C]

I like this one, actually, from Ibrahim. How did you two come up with creative dates to go on when you were both broke? Or did you go out less when money was tight?

[B]

Oh, man. You've got to tell them the story that triggered the proposal.

[C]

The story that triggered the proposal.

[B]

Hi, I'm Tom.

[C]

It's nice to meet you.

[B]

I wish we had shared history. That would be amazing.

[C]

The blanket?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah. I mean, so that's.

[B]

What do you mean, oh, yeah? Like, two seconds ago, you didn't know what I was talking about.

[C]

No, but I guess, like, I've done. We've done that multiple times. It wasn't.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a great example.

[C]

Yeah. So I think when it comes to money and having experiences, like, I don't think that there. You have to have great. You have to have money to have great experiences.

[B]

You don't have to.

[C]

You don't have to. Because if I worried about that, we never would have, like, dove into Quest. Like, all the things that I'm like, oh, you know, fine. Yes.

[B]

If you're saying that. Because I said we have to bet the house, right?

[C]

Yes. Thank you. So when you came home and you're like, hey, you know, we want to start this new company Quest, and if it fails, then we literally lose this house that we've just paid for and just bought. And we feel so much pride over to me, understand, like, I can still have great experiences with you without needing a house. So what we did is, like, cool, okay, well, your pay gets cut in half. Like, all these changes we had to make financially. What are the things I really enjoy doing with you? Like, what are the. Like, the real roots I just love talking to you and hanging out and experiencing, like, fun food and so things like that you don't need money for. So carpet picnics, getting you, you know, your. Your favorite, like, cheapest favorite takeout. But doing a carpet picnic, having the food already, having your favorite band on the radio, little things like that that make you feel so special. Me going out and spending a ton of money doesn't necessarily make you feel special. But I've thought about you and I think. I don't know if it was that night. But like, even things like you print out like fake certificates and you say this certificate gets you 20 minutes of back rub, things like that, literally, they don't cost a penny. You just to get creative, like, what are the things we enjoy doing together? And then how do I do that for nothing? So, I mean, and that's, you know, on the day that you were going to propose, it's like I had. We were dirt poor, and so I did a carpet picnic and picked your favorite band and made sure that their album was playing when you walked in. And I had like your. Even your little snacks that you don't think about. The. The random things that you forget that I have just like kind of locked in my brain. And it's those little things that made you feel special and that, you know. Did I think I'd write you a poem as well or something like that.

[B]

You're slightly misremembering the poem.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I wrote a poem on your body.

[C]

Oh, you did?

[B]

In lipstick.

[C]

In lipstick. You did.

[B]

So it was. This is one of those, like, absurdly amazing. So I had bought the engagement ring and her dad kept dodging me because I knew that I had to ask his permission, otherwise my then girlfriend, soon to be fiance, would have.

[C]

It wasn't really permission, it was more blessing. Blessing, exactly.

[B]

And so I had the ring, kept trying to meet with him, kept dodging me. And then I had a really bad day at work and I come home and there's candles and a blanket laid out on the floor. And we were living with her mom at this point, so we were at the height of poverty. And blanket on the floor, candles. One of my favorite CDs playing. There was no MP3 players at this point. And like little snacks. Like, you said things that like, wow, how'd you even remember that? I like those. And it was. I felt so special and it just changed my brain chemistry so fast from the bad day that I'd had. And we had this amazingly romantic meal and time, and then I ended up writing this poem on, like, literally just thinking of it there on the spot and writing it on you in lipstick. And then I said, look, this isn't going to make any sense right now, but I have to leave this minute. And you didn't question it. And I literally ran to your dad's house, who thankfully lived, you know, like.

[C]

And then I called my dad because I was like, well, he's gone. Kind of sitting here just waiting.

[B]

Right.

[C]

There was nothing on tv. And obviously when you just have to do random things like that, I just always assume that they're important enough to just not ask questions. And so I called my text. I had spoken to him in, like, a day or two, and I called him and my stepmom answered and she was like, oh, Lisa. Yeah, Tom's here.

[B]

Her answer, though, you gotta tell her.

[C]

So I was like, why is Tom. Why is Tom there? And then she literally paused and she's like, he came for watermelon. Because they just knew you was loving watermelon.

[B]

Right. And that was one of the things your dad and I had bonded over. Yeah, it was amazing. It was like, what, 8 o' clock at night or something? It's dark out. I have ran to your dad's house. He came for watermelon. That was amazing. I loved it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So that's. Things like that, making somebody feel special, spending the time talking. Yeah, it's. It's. It really, really doesn't take a lot to be honest.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And even now, like, our best times. And I don't want to lie, like, now some of those best times are in exotic locations and they're amazing. And I don't take that for granted, nor do I want to pretend that it's not real, but it still is. The connection. It's the time together. It's getting lost in conversation. It's, you know, creating that little bubble for ourselves. Even at a restaurant, just to, like. You were, like, the queen of picking tables. I don't even like throwing my hat in the ring. But she'll find, like, the perfect table in the restaurant. It's, like, secluded enough and where we can just get, like, a little cocoon of emotion and. And really just enjoy each other and

[C]

just getting out of monotonous things that we do every day. You know, like, we love playing video games together. You know, playing the video games in the bedroom instead of downstairs. I don't know.

[B]

Like, I know it sounds stupid, but it just mixes it up just enough.

[C]

Like when. So Saturday mornings is my, like, sacred time with My husband, to have our

[B]

breakfast together at the table, and we have to chew at the same time. Not synchronized chewing, which is what some people thought I was saying. But we're literally. We are consuming the food at the same time.

[C]

But like, even doing something different like that, like, we'll take it sometimes outside and have it out on the balcony. Like you're doing the same act. It doesn't cost any different. Like, I made breakfast and. But just changing those little things up, like getting under the blanket and cuddling together.

[B]

Oh, we actually build, like, blanket forts and stuff.

[C]

Yes, we do.

[B]

So I'm telling you, the things that money does are not the things you're expecting. So money does not make romantic time. It creates amazing experiences. Creates amazing experiences in which you can have a romantic time. But it really is if you can't connect. Like, for instance, the dinner that you were talking about on the beach, which was very expensive, was amazing. Money made that happen. But if that had been with virtually any other human being in the world, it just wouldn't have been enjoyable full stop. And with any human being other than you, it would not have been what it was. That was relation. That was, you know, 14 years, I think, at the time of marriage coming to bear on a situation of just you being my favorite human being in the world, we. Knowing how to rapidly get into, like, amazing conversations. And in fact, do yourself a favor, go into a romantic evening with a list of questions, which I do.

[C]

That's amazing. I love that.

[B]

So I'll roll up with, like, 25 questions that I want to ask. Some of them are like, would you Rathers? Some of them are just like, hey, we haven't talked about this in a while, and I'm curious to see how your thoughts have changed, like that kind of thing, showing that you put the time in to really think about and want to know. And again, even with your spouse, if you want to be interesting, be interested, ask questions like, find this stuff out. Like, it's. It's amazing when somebody wants to ask you something.

[C]

Yeah. I was gonna say that was amazing. When we went on our anniversary last year, and literally he'd written out, like, maybe 30, 40 questions.

[B]

Oh. Before we even left for the holiday, I had at least that many and then kept writing them while we were there.

[C]

Yeah. And it just. It becomes a conversation starter because the one thing we hate is like, yeah, isn't the weather great? And then, like, you don't have anything to talk about. But just by asking a question, like a. Would you rather like it Just starts something off into a direction where neither of us were even expecting it to go. Or like, even after all these years, like, it's important that we feel fresh. And so just phrasing something in a different way gives us, like an insight into the other person with their answer. So we're still continuously learning each other's, like, ideas and the way they think and, you know, so, yeah, that's a great one. List of questions. Would you rather.

[B]

Word. All right, I think we're nearing the end.

[C]

Do we have time for one more

[B]

or is that it? No, I got the finger wag. Damn. All right.

[C]

She's like, don't mess with Cindy.

[B]

All right. So guys, thank you so much for joining us. This is always, always, always a lot of fun. We really appreciate you coming and asking your questions and it's really forcing us to go even deeper and concretize all of the things in our relationship. And I love that it's so much fun to see how you're going to answer a question. And I love the nuances that are contained in everybody's individualized question.

[C]

And every day, like, when we do this, like, we have a conversation after we stop rolling about, like an answer that you had given or an answer that I've given is like, yeah, I didn't expect that coming. Like, see that coming.

[B]

Like heirs and graces.

[C]

Yes. I'm gonna be so paranoid now not to use that word. Damn you. Believe, damn you. But yeah, so that, that's something that even this has given us another dynamic in our relationship to then really kind of explore, bond over. So, yeah, it's been super fun.

[B]

Definitely. All right. It's a weekly show, so if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care. Bye, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to Stitcher Raid and review us. That helps us build this community and that is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can, deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. Alright, guys, thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.

[D]

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