← Tom Bilyeu's Impact Theory
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- [00:00]
Grainger Narrator
When you manage procurement for multiple facilities, every order matters. But when it's for a hospital system, they matter even more. Grainger gets it and knows there's no time for managing multiple suppliers and no room for shipping delays. That's why Grainger offers millions of products in fast, dependable delivery, so you can keep your facility stocked, safe and running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.
- [00:30]
Grainger Narrator 2
If you work in university maintenance, Grainger considers you an MVP because your playbook ensures your arena is always ready for tip off. And Grainger is your trusted partner, offering the products you need all in one place, from H VAC and plumbing supplies to lighting and more. And all delivered with plenty of time left on the clock. So your team always gets the win. Call 1-800-GRAINGER visit grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.
- [01:01]
Tom Bilyeu
You're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory. Hey, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Relationship Theory. I'm your co host, Tom Bilyeu. I'm here all by myself, but I'm gonna keep talking. And by the way, it's almost luck that I heard you, so don't forget to use the walkie talkie. That would help tremendously. And I'm just gonna keep talking, I think you said. Okay. Pressing record. Yeah. Nice.
- [02:07]
Lisa Bilyeu
On it. Thanks. All right.
- [02:14]
Tom Bilyeu
There it is. Yeah.
- [02:19]
Lisa Bilyeu
Ready when you are, guys. Did she say?
- [02:23]
Tom Bilyeu
I don't know. It's actually really. If you're saying something like you guys are live or something like that, we. You gotta press it. Then wait a second. Then speak or not.
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Lisa Bilyeu
Get ready. I think that was.
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Tom Bilyeu
People just cannot help themselves. You have to press the button. It's difficult.
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Lisa Bilyeu
Oi.
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Tom Bilyeu
Then speak. There we go. That was good.
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Lisa Bilyeu
Cindy, I think we need him to do Facebook live controls one day. See how he does that.
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Tom Bilyeu
You guys want to host everything without me? If that's the trade we want to do, we can do it.
- [03:01]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right.
- [03:02]
Tom Bilyeu
Did we press the button?
- [03:03]
Lisa Bilyeu
I don't know. You press record that?
- [03:05]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. Okay, so if we're. Excellent. All right, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Relationship Theory. I am your co host Tom Bilyeu, and I'm here with none other than Lisa Billyeu So yes, we coordinated that last time. I didn't forget. Which is maybe in and of itself a little shocking.
- [03:32]
Lisa Bilyeu
I'm impressed.
- [03:34]
Tom Bilyeu
Forgive us for being a few minutes tardy today. We have all the excuses in the world. World. But since we don't make excuses, we'll just own it. Our bad. But here we are. We are ready to rock and roll. We're doing the damn thing.
- [03:46]
Lisa Bilyeu
We all doing the damn thing, in fact.
- [03:48]
Tom Bilyeu
So one thing that we should probably do for anybody that's joining us for the first time, relationship theory. Is where Lisa and I, who happens to be my lovely, lovely wife, go into your guys's questions about relationships. We are steadily working on putting together whatever the 25 bullet point equivalent of relationships is. We started it the day and it would. Did we hit 40 bullet points?
- [04:12]
Lisa Bilyeu
I know, so funny. We started, we tried to do 25
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Tom Bilyeu
and well, we'll whittle it down over time.
- [04:17]
Lisa Bilyeu
So yeah, we will.
- [04:18]
Tom Bilyeu
Where we are now is not necessarily indicative of where we will end up, but we're brainstorming all of those things. So for those that don't know, we have been together for 16 and a half years, it's tempting to round up to almost 17. I know, I've done it 16 and a half. And we are about to hit our 15 year wedding anniversary. So we violated pretty much every rule that we have for couples out there in terms of how old you should be when you get married and all that good stuff. We broke all those rules, but nonetheless, we've managed to make it work out. We've managed to make it work out by codifying everything, really thinking through what are the strategic things that you should be doing as a couple to keep the flame alive and to work well together. And we are not only married, we're business partners. I don't know why that sounds so cheesy, but it's true. It's cheesy because in my head what I said was we're partners in life and partners in business. That really is cheesy. I pull the last minute it switcheroo to keep it from being absurd. But yeah. So that's the show. Here we are taking questions and I'm guessing that we have some questions from last.
- [05:23]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. And guys, if this is bringing you value, please share it.
- [05:27]
Tom Bilyeu
Wow, that's like. We're getting better.
- [05:30]
Lisa Bilyeu
We're getting better.
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Tom Bilyeu
Official hosts. I'm very impressed.
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Lisa Bilyeu
Can I be honest though? I actually even wrote myself a little note on my computer.
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Tom Bilyeu
That's good, that's smart. That's so, in fact, the two things
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Lisa Bilyeu
was share and then talk about that. We're working on 25 bullet points. I want a better name, though. I don't like bullet points.
- [05:46]
Tom Bilyeu
Okay.
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Lisa Bilyeu
It sounds. If anyone's got a good idea out there and what we can call them. But yeah, bullet points, it sounds. I don't know. But fair enough.
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Tom Bilyeu
We will come up with it.
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Lisa Bilyeu
So should we go to. Oh. So, guys, please submit some questions. And until we get some good. Some questions in, read ones from last week.
- [06:04]
Tom Bilyeu
Perfect.
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Lisa Bilyeu
All right, so I like this one. This one's from Facebook from Jessica Tarzia. She says, y' all. Love y'. All. What's up, y'? All? Y' all are adorable. Have you ever. Have you ever went through one of. Oh, sorry. I think they're foreign. So I'll try and translate this.
- [06:27]
Tom Bilyeu
Sure.
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Lisa Bilyeu
Have you ever gone through one where one of you was going through depression? And how did you support them in that time without taking away from you? Wow.
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Tom Bilyeu
It's a great question.
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Lisa Bilyeu
Go for it.
- [06:43]
Tom Bilyeu
Well, so first, let me say, would you. At the height of your stomach issues, would you say. And by stomach, we mean intestinal. We just rounded the stomach. Would you say you were depressed?
- [06:54]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, I mean, I think that there's. That word, depending on who you're saying it to, carries a lot more weight than others. Like deep depression, where you're, you know, really just. You don't want to leave the house.
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Tom Bilyeu
So we'll say flirting with depression.
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Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, I was. I was very down, very sad. Didn't want to socialize. So.
- [07:13]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, yeah. So not clinically depressed. So I get where you're going. But so in that. That really came down to being supportive of the other person is absolutely critical. In fact, we have, like, those words on our ever growing list of bullet points. You should stealthily be adding things during the episode. Being supportive is super, super. I don't know that you. In fact, I'll just. You can't be in a relationship and really do the things that you need to do for the relationship to not at sometimes totally back burning yourself. And. And I. I mean, look, that's, you know, days at a time. It's not weeks and months at a time, or maybe it's weeks, but certainly not months at a time. But really, like, making sure that we took steps to solve that problem was rough. So it was at the height of trying to grow quest. It was so much energy going into that and then trying to really figure out what was going on with your stomach was brutally difficult. So there were definitely Times where I just had to back burner myself and what I wanted. But it. That wasn't even like something that I had to deliberate on. It was what you were going for was a hundred times worse than having to back burner myself. So that's very different, though, than getting lost in a relationship or being consumed by somebody else's depression. And if, like, this is really a question about how to deal with somebody who is clinically depressed. And that to me, isn't really defined by as hard my allergies are going crazy today. It's not defined by whether they've been treated for it or not. It's just like, are they displaying the symptoms where it's a chronic condition. They're having a really hard time perceiving the world the way that it is. Like, they're totally lost in the brain chemistry of depression, that you have to be very, very careful to not be consumed by what's going on with that person. And to me, that requires more effort from them to be willing to do the things to get out of the depression. Now the real question for me, and I say it's a real question because this scares me, and what would I do if you stopped being willing to claw your way out of that or I stopped being willing. Right. Because I can deal with anything except the other person not being willing to try. Like, that's where, in fact, whenever you hear me say the word selection matters, and that is one of the things that we wrote on our very long list of soon to not be called bullet points is selection matters.
- [09:52]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [09:53]
Tom Bilyeu
When I say that, what I really mean is the other person has to be willing to try because you can't necessarily stop yourself from getting depressed, but you absolutely can take measures to not stay there. So if you weren't doing that, and if I felt like I was hitting a brick wall, and this is why I say I'm a filtering mechanism, like all the content that we put out. I'm not trying to convince people. I'm trying to be a tool for people who are already convinced and that they can then use that. Right. So this isn't about convincing people to want to work on their relationships, not about convincing people of the power of love. It's not convincing people that neurobiology and brain chemistry changes over time and that you have to adapt with that if you want your relationship to last. It's not convincing people about commitment. It's about saying, here are the tools. Once you already believe that, once you want that, once being in a relationship, something that's important to you, that you understand that you have to work on it in order for it to, you know, work long term. That you, like, once you believe that, then we can help. So if somebody, if like they're in a depressive state, they're not willing to a acknowledge that depression is a question of brain chemistry and wiring. Like, if you can get them that far, then it's like, okay, now we have to work on the wiring, we have to work on the brain chemistry. But if they just want to shut that down now, you can only hope to get lost in that. Which holds no interest for me, by the way. And the reason I say this is a real question and that it scares me is what the do you do? Because now two things would come into conflict. If I'm telling you that, hey, this is rich or poor, sickness and in health, like forever, I'm going to be there for you, but then for months, a year, multiple years, you won't come out of it. Like, at what point do you say this doesn't, it doesn't make sense and so I can't keep doing this.
- [11:39]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, and I think we even spoke about that because one thing is that we've often said to each other is like, don't wallow in that person's sadness as well. Right. That almost makes it worse. It's like listening to sad music when you're sad. Like, it doesn't help. Like, I was actually just speaking to somebody the other day and they were feeling down. I said, put on friends, right? Because friends is just, it's light hearted, it's funny. So trying to actively change that brain chemistry so that you can go from, you know, if you're frustrated or sad or whatever, like working towards that. And I remember us talking about that and you said to me, like, there's nothing I can do right now about my stomach. Like as in, you know, today I can actually work on it. Yes. But that may take a year, two years. But the mindset is such a different thing. Like, am I, have I given up? Have I gone, well, my life sucks and this is what it is now, or am I looking for that improvement? Am I trying to get out of it? And there were days that I had, you know, failed and I fell and I felt a bit sorry for missing myself. But you didn't join in on me feeling sorry for myself. And you did this really interesting thing where you, there was like this fine line. It wasn't that you just like suck it up, you know, deal with it. You were Addressing the physical pain that I was in. And so you were like, baby, how can I help you? Do you want an ice pack? Do you need, you know, Advil? Like, with things like that, you were very supportive. Lie down. Like, don't get up. I'll do it. I'll take care of the babies. But the mental part of it, you. You didn't come to my level. You were like, look, you can think through this. You can get, you know, stop focusing on the negative. And that was one of the phrases that you had taught me that was so powerful. And I don't know if you guys at home, like, every so often, the right time, the right moment, someone says something and it's just a light bulb goes off. That was one of those moments where you said to me, you get what you focus on. Like, I preach that now all the time. Like, I say it to myself. I say it to anyone that, you know, is going through anything tough, because it hit me like a ton of bricks. You get what you focus on. So I can't right now, this second, change the pain that I'm in. I can't right now change the distress that, like, not being able to eat, not being able to stand up, I can't change that. But if all I'm doing is focusing on that, I'm going to be sad, I'm going to be mopey, I'm going to be depressed, I'm going to be down, and that's then not fun to be around. So you really helped me change that question. The thing in my mind, right, where it's like, stop focusing on the negative and start focusing on what you can do to change it. What are the great things you can accomplish in by, you know, trying to change your gut biome. And so. So, yeah, those little things where you were supportive, but you didn't encourage the
- [14:33]
Tom Bilyeu
emotional downside to it, you ready for something really trippy?
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Lisa Bilyeu
Always.
- [14:39]
Tom Bilyeu
So pain as an impulse to the brain is exactly. Not like it's the same, but there's no sort of difference in that. A car on the road, whether it's a Volkswagen, a BMW, a Tesla, doesn't matter, right? They're all a car on the road. But the experience of those is all very different. So you've got pain, which is a signal, like pleasure, and then you have suffering, which is actually a separate region of the brain. And one of the things that I always found fascinating about hypnotism is when they hypnotize you, what they're doing is they're shutting off your suffering so you're not killing the pain impulse so they can get people to do stuff like put your hand in ice cold water, they hypnotize you. You can leave it there longer or. And this is amazing, I love this so much. And if you want to know why I'm all about beauty and rage. Dig this for a second. I want your full attention. All right? If I need you to endure pain, do you know there's one thing that you could do that would immediately allow. I forget the percentage, but it's like, significantly, you could endure way more pain. Do you know what it is?
- [15:44]
Lisa Bilyeu
God, I don't know if this is it, but, like, not necessarily rage.
- [15:49]
Tom Bilyeu
Yes. Just stop right there. Let somebody get angry. The amount of pain that they can tolerate is like two or three times more just by getting mad. That's why when you get hurt, you swear you cuss. Because instantly, like, you're using the neurochemistry of the anger, which actually has benefits, which is why it stayed around from an evolutionary perspective as long as it has. Like, when you can snap into that rage, you can deal with a lot more pain. So utterly fascinating. Anyway, the whole reason I'm bringing that up is just that there are things that you can do to modulate your suffering. Okay, you're not modulating the pain signal. The pain signal is what the pain signal is, but you can modulate suffering. And that's why I say you can't necessarily choose whether or not you're in pain, but you absolutely control whether you're suffering. And if you just switch that part of your brain off, like, I'm not gonna suffer from this. That's something I've used with cold. I used to let cold really make me suffer. And finally I was just like, just turn that off. Right? Like, don't focus on it. Don't suffer. Like, literally switch that part of your brain off. Find a way to move towards it.
- [16:56]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, And I also talk to myself to do that. So, like, I, you know, it was two years. I'm still going through the, you know, digestive issues, but not to the extent that I was. And I remember, like, I just stopped saying it out loud, right? Like, my tummy hurts because I was. It just kind of reinforces that thought in my mind, right? Of like, yeah, poor me. My tummy hurts. Like, you can't stand up. It's like, suck it up, Lisa. Like, you can't complain about this every day. Like, what's wrong with you? You know, like, it is what it is. Take actions to make it better. But the more I would feel sorry for myself or the more I think about it, the more I would start to feel sad and feeling depressed. And so it's like, I knew that that wasn't taking me anywhere good. And so, yeah, I would just. That mindset of, like, yeah, it hurts, and what. And what? Like, what are you going to do about it? So kind of, you know, disconnecting the emotional side and, you know, not focusing, getting. Also getting angry. I mean, just in general, I think, like, even when lifting weights, right? Like, if I put on, like, an angry song and I pace back and forth and I start going, like, I will lift that hundred pounds. Like, no excuses, I will lift it. I've seen a woman who's in her 70s who can lift, you know, 130 pounds, like, stop being a worse. Get to it. And I think that's sometimes how I end up up injuring myself. But it's. But, you know, and, oh, the story about that woman who, like, lifted up the car to say, is it real, though? I think it is. I like to believe it.
- [18:29]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. I was gonna say, I think you want. Humans are capable of amazing feats in certain situations. So, yeah, the moral of that story is not awesome.
- [18:38]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. All right, let's do a couple of shout outs.
- [18:41]
Tom Bilyeu
Do it.
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Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. We've got Brittany Robinson in Japan. Nice. Thank you for joining us in Japan. That's awesome.
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Tom Bilyeu
Brittany Robinson in Jap.
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Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
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Tom Bilyeu
Not the name you expect in Japan. I want to know, Brittany Robinson, why are you in Japan? Is this a military brat thing? Is this, like, from the show Girls?
- [19:00]
Lisa Bilyeu
You've got to think for people's names, haven't you, and their locations?
- [19:04]
Tom Bilyeu
I do more than names, I think.
- [19:07]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. I've got some cool ones here, which.
- [19:09]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, I'm utterly fascinated. But anyway, I want to know. I want to know your story. I have a thing for Japan as well. So.
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Lisa Bilyeu
He does have a thing for Japan. Elsina Una Jacova in Botswana.
- [19:21]
Tom Bilyeu
Whoa.
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Lisa Bilyeu
Thank you for joining us.
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Tom Bilyeu
That one's impressive, both for the name and for the location.
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Lisa Bilyeu
I know, right? Mela Salama from Paraguay. Yeah. Awesome, guys. Thank you for tuning in.
- [19:33]
Tom Bilyeu
Phenomenal. So for kids that grew up in the era where. Oh, yeah. Talking to somebody from Paraguay or Botswana, like, was a thing for me. That was not. Do you know what ham radio is? No, that was like the. Somebody laughed, so I'm guessing Chase knows
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Lisa Bilyeu
what ham radio is, so.
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Tom Bilyeu
Ham radio back in the day was, like, the only way you could talk to somebody. I mean, you could do long distance phone calls, but they were so expensive, and to encounter somebody randomly was like. It basically didn't happen. Ham radio was the way you could, like, tune into somebody around the world and communicate with them. It is. I don't want to take it for granted. It's amazing. Amazing that there are people engaging with us from around the world.
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Lisa Bilyeu
I know. Gotta say, it is.
- [20:16]
Grainger Narrator
With VRBoCare, help is always ready before,
- [20:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
during, and after your stay. We've planned for the plot twists, so
- [20:25]
Tom Bilyeu
support is always available because a great trip starts with peace of mind.
- [20:31]
Grainger Narrator
When you manage procurement for multiple facilities, every order matters. But when it's for a hospital situation, they matter even more. Grainger gets it and knows there's no time for managing multiple suppliers and no room for shipping delays. That's why Grainger offers millions of products in fast, dependable delivery. So you can keep your facility stocked, safe, and running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER, click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.
- [21:02]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, so let's go to questions. This one's from Chris Barry. What's up?
- [21:07]
Tom Bilyeu
Chris Barry in the house.
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Lisa Bilyeu
What do you do when you and your partner perceive things differently and that is causing conflict? It seems like an inescapable cycle of a misunderstanding. How do you get out of that? God, I love this question. Didn't we just have something recently? Oh, what was. Was like a total. Like we could not get on the same page. And it was basically like we were. Yeah, we were just perceiving things differently. I remember it was fairly recently.
- [21:37]
Tom Bilyeu
I mean, we do it all the time.
- [21:39]
Lisa Bilyeu
So then give an example.
- [21:39]
Tom Bilyeu
But I don't remember specifically where you're headed. So this means that you're alive and you're in a relationship. Because I think this happens all the time. And people coming from different perspectives, I mean, even as long as you and I have been together, it happens with a fair degree of frequency where you're just coming at it from different points of view. And you realize in moments like that that you bring so many assumptions to a conversation, to word choice, to all of that. And when the person isn't making the same assumptions, they're not looking at it from the same perspective. It is so weird to have, like, what is happening right now? One of the. In, like a normal conversation, it really is just asking recursive questions, usually hitting the brakes long enough emotionally. Because what I find for me is I begin to, like, it ratchets up. It's like, wait, what are you talking about and then it's just like all of a sudden you're up here, like, what's happening? Like, because you. It feels like the other person is messing with you. If I'm completely honest where. Because you have this batch of assumptions and they have a totally different batch of assumptions. But your assumptions are. This is water, right? They're invisible to you. You don't realize you're making them. So you think you're talking about something that's patently self evident. So when you're saying these things and the person seems like they don't understand, it's like, okay, what is it? That, because this is something that happens with people a lot is you don't use the most direct language humanly possible. So you might say something like, let's say that every Friday night we go to the same place. Every Friday? Every Friday. Every Friday. And instead of saying, hey, I don't want to go to that place anymore, I'm getting kind of bored of it. I've been meaning to tell you that for a couple of weeks, but we were just caught up in all this momentum of always doing the same thing, saying, I don't want to do that. Let's stop and you know, think about where new we might both enjoy going. Instead of that people will do something like this. So where do you want to go to dinner tonight? What do you mean? Like, we go to the same place every time. It's like there's the, the different levels that you're speaking on. The person actually means to say what I led with. But what they do is they ask a question and the question is so jarring that you begin to like guess at what do you mean? You know what I mean. So that's where things I think derail. So getting to the point where you can articulate that feeling, because the worst thing is, I think nine times out of ten, the reason they don't articulate that feeling is because one, it's social convention. You're not. People don't think that they can just push their own agenda, so they want to be soft about it. And that's problem number one. And then problem number two is translating a feeling into a word. They're actually, if I'm not mistaken, they're different sides of the brain. So not even like different brain regions, but actually different sides. This is where split brain personality gets so interesting. If I cut your corpus callosum, so the thing that communicates between both sides, I can get very different answers from you by showing you the same thing. To one side versus the other. So as you have that feeling on one side of your brain, you're actually not forming the words or even necessarily the intellectual idea that you could communicate with the other side of your brain. So it stays locked over here in the emotion. And then for whatever reason, when you go to express that, it expresses itself in the form of a question, probably due to social conventions. And so you're left like having this weird argument where the other person is like, wait, I'm just asking you a question. The other person's like, but, yeah, but your question doesn't make any sense. We go to the same place every time. So what are you really trying to ask me? I'm not really trying to ask you anything. I just want to know where want to go. Right. And it becomes that. But you really are. You're trying to say something. And that thing is, I've been bored going to that restaurant and I really want to switch it up. We all do it all the time. But if people. And this is what I try to remind myself, hey, I have a wall of assumptions that I'm totally invisible to. Hey, I have these emotions that I'm now just for the first time beginning to articulate. So even I don't have a full intellectual grasp on what my feeling is. And so in the translation from feeling to word, there's this huge chasm magnified by the assumptions. And now we're just like, at odds. So in those moments, it's a habit loop, right? And I kick in. So the feeling of weird discontent is. Initiates the habit loop of slow down, articulate internally what the feeling is. Once I know what the feeling is. And this is something I'm very proud of in myself. When I have a feeling, I force myself to articulate it in my head. And the motivation is petty. I still admit it. And so I'll say, oh, whatever that makes me feel insecure or Jesus, like, this shouldn't be this way. I fully recognize that. But it is. And here's actually why I'm getting agitated in this moment. But you have to use that feeling as a trigger for the habit loop to go through the gyrations of, okay, I have a. And this is something that I think winds you up. I'm actually relatively slow to process that stuff. So I'm always like, I can't tell you why. Like with designing the house, so we're redoing the house, my poor long suffering wife handles all the logistics, which is a typically male thing. So poor, you have to do all of that, because that is just not how I'm wired. And then on top of that, I'll look at something, and it fills me with unease, rage, and some like. And I don't understand why. And so I'm like, I need time. I don't know why. It just isn't right, and I can't articulate it. And that's frustrating for everybody, especially the person that is trying to book all the people that have to come in highly coordinated moments. But I just know that feeling triggers my habit loop that I have to go inside. I have to identify what it is. Even if it's petty, stupid, whatever. I need to own it and admit it, but I need the time to figure out what it is. But this has gotten to be a very long answer, Mr. Barry. That is really the loop that you have to get into. So you have to figure out why you guys are on separate pages, what's causing the tension. It's almost certainly that people have feelings that they haven't yet forced over to the other side of the brain to learn to articulate. And until you can articulate it, the other person can't understand it.
- [27:58]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. And the dinner thing is actually a really good example because for you. You've, you know, said, I make decisions all day, every day. So when it comes to dinner, when it comes to weekends, like, I don't want to make any decisions, just decide. So if you want to go somewhere else, go somewhere else. The thing is, from my perspective is I want a bit of, like, that, like, I'm gonna say romance, but it's not exactly romance, but that kind of emotional connection where it's like, oh, babe, you know, like, oh, you don't want to go to that restaurant. All right, so what kind of thing? And I want, like, that engagement of, like, because you're keen and because you want to, you know, make me happy. So, like, you want to be involved in booking the restaurant and finding somewhere. And so I'm just like, hey, like, should we do something else? I don't think I realize, like, I just want to do something else. I should just say to him, I want to go somewhere else. Like, you kind of go around it, like, see how he feels. If he's like, like, babe, I was been looking forward to that steak all week. They'll be like, okay, no worries. So it's like, I try to tread carefully, and I forget that you're just like, I don't care. And it's not that I don't care about you. Right. It's that I don't care where we go for dinner. So it's that kind of navigating those waters on going, okay, just be up front, babe. I'm not happy. Like, we keep going to the same place every weekend. Like, let's change places. I really want your input because it's meaningful to me. And then you kind of break out of those, you know, those loops of, like, I got. He doesn't even care. Like, he just said, like, wherever. Like, this is really meaningful. I thought Saturday nights were meaningful to him too. It's fate night. And, you know, you kind of just like. Like you say, like, get your. Your thoughts in, like, a habit loop and you need to break out of that. And the one phrase that we've now said is don't. Oh, God, I'm going to mess it up. Don't want me to want to do the dishes. Like, I'll do the dishes because you want me to, but you want me to want to.
- [29:51]
Tom Bilyeu
Right? And so from the movie the Breakup, is it really with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn? I think it's called the Breakup.
- [29:57]
Lisa Bilyeu
Okay. Oh, it is from that, actually. You're right. So it's like, if I want you. So if I want. Let's just take dishes. Because it's super easy and simple. If I want you to do the dishes and you're like, okay, I'll do them. But I have to ask. It's like, oh, you know, like, like, didn't it occur to him that I'm stressed out and I've got a lot of things on my plate, Pun not intended. I've got a lot of things on my plate, and I just want him to help out. Now you're not thinking about it. You're in your own world. You're doing your own thing. And so the thought in your head of doing the dishes, you don't care about the dishes, so why would you think about doing them? Now? If I turned to you and was like, would you really be able to help me out and do the dishes to help me out? You'd be like, of course, baby. But initially when we got together, I wanted you to want to do the dishes. And for some reason, that was the main thing. But now looking back, it's actually stronger that you do it even when you don't want to do it, versus you wanting to do it. Don't want you to want to do the dishes, just ask you to do the dishes.
- [31:00]
Tom Bilyeu
Truth. And then going back to something you were saying before, it's A collision of values. Right. Like you. And by the way, this is one of the reasons I love the show and one of the best pieces of advice that I have for anybody out there in a relationship. You should probably do a show because it gives you a chance to answer all these really obscure questions that you would never think to ask each other. But, like, just now, I realized that what you're really going through with, like, wanting to, like you, like, planning the dinner and all that, like, it triggers all the amazing things in you. You like. Not like logistics, but you're good enough at it that it's. There's a difference between things to think about that are easy to think about and things that are hard to think about. And they talk about this book. Talk about it in the book. God, I often confuse these two. It's hitmakers, and then whatever I read right after Hitmakers, which I think it was the thing I read after hitmakers. And it's like, things that are easy to think about cause, you know, like, flow. And then things that are difficult to think about cause disease. And then in that unease, you paint that onto the event. So for me, like, thinking through all the logistics and, oh, finding new place and the cognitive load, and I've been thinking about, you know, I've been making decisions all day, all day long from a thousand different angles. So the last thing I want to do. So for us, it's like I have disease from it, and you have flow Right. From wanting to get into that. It doesn't trigger any of that pain for you. So for you, it's like this bonding experience to come together and decide. So it's like you want to bond. I want it easy. And it's like I want to go to dinner and be able to bond because I don't have to think about where we're going. So it's like I want the deadly efficiency. And if we're both honest, what I secretly want is food to magically show up at the house. I don't have to leave, get in the car. Nothing and less so now. But used to be really a big thing for you to want to go out.
- [32:56]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [32:57]
Tom Bilyeu
And so, like, you get those. The collision of the two worlds. We should probably move on. Even though I feel like we could talk about that.
- [33:04]
Lisa Bilyeu
Oh, no, actually, I just want to take it one step further because this goes back to testing, and that was such a big thing.
- [33:09]
Tom Bilyeu
Can you write that down? Don't test.
- [33:11]
Lisa Bilyeu
Don't. Oh, God.
- [33:12]
Tom Bilyeu
I know you want.
- [33:12]
Lisa Bilyeu
You can't read questions and Ask questions and.
- [33:16]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, but engage. For the people.
- [33:17]
Lisa Bilyeu
Don't test. All right. For the people.
- [33:20]
Tom Bilyeu
What was that?
- [33:21]
Lisa Bilyeu
I don't know. Oh, yes. Good old Cindy on the walkie says she's gonna write it down. Thanks.
- [33:28]
Tom Bilyeu
Thank you, Cindy.
- [33:31]
Lisa Bilyeu
So it's really the don't test. This is actually one. It was. I don't say. One of the biggest. It's close up there. Of changing our relationship. So I think everyone has their own perception. So if he buys me flowers, it means he's. He cares if he buys me flowers. If he writes a nice poem in my birthday.
- [33:51]
Tom Bilyeu
He remembers my birthday, anniversary.
- [33:52]
Lisa Bilyeu
But, like, has paid attention to the things that I've. Like, we went shopping three months ago, and I picked up this thing, and I said I really liked it. Like, did he pay attention? Does he know that I actually want that for my birthday? Because I've actually hinted, like, wouldn't it be nice to have a new jacket? And eventually we just. It was like. Sometimes, in all honesty, I felt like you would fail. I would fail you.
- [34:13]
Tom Bilyeu
I would fail.
- [34:14]
Lisa Bilyeu
Right. All right.
- [34:14]
Tom Bilyeu
We'll just keep it real for the people.
- [34:16]
Lisa Bilyeu
Should I say the story?
- [34:17]
Tom Bilyeu
Which story? I don't even remember the story.
- [34:19]
Lisa Bilyeu
Okay, he doesn't remember the story. So it was early on in our relationship, I think maybe even just a year in, and.
- [34:25]
Tom Bilyeu
Oh, you're talking about the Christmas thing.
- [34:27]
Lisa Bilyeu
The watch.
- [34:27]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is so embarrassing, but go ahead.
- [34:31]
Lisa Bilyeu
But this was a great lesson.
- [34:32]
Tom Bilyeu
Power to the people here.
- [34:33]
Lisa Bilyeu
So it's Christmas time. I see this watch. Loved it. You know, we didn't have much money at all, so it was a little bit expensive. So it's like. I don't want to say anything, but, like, oh, it'd be so cool if he got me this watch. And so I would, like, little hints over time. Like, over, like, a month or two before Christmas. And at one point, I think I even said, like, oh, if you've been
- [34:59]
Tom Bilyeu
listening, you're like, you most certainly did. That's what spun me out.
- [35:02]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. And he was like, oh, my God, I know what it is.
- [35:05]
Tom Bilyeu
No, no. I went into panic that I had no idea what you'd been hinting at. So I did, like, really think, what has she been hinting about? What has she been hinting about? What has she been hinting?
- [35:15]
Lisa Bilyeu
Like, okay, so what has she been hinting? So then eventually you gave me some sort of impression. Like, you're gonna be so proud. You're gonna be so impressed. And this is when we were living in different countries.
- [35:27]
Tom Bilyeu
Yes.
- [35:27]
Lisa Bilyeu
So you were in America, I was in England. I've got this present and I'm waiting to open it to last because it's like, for my. My hubby.
- [35:35]
Tom Bilyeu
And so I was like, no, I was your boyfriend.
- [35:37]
Lisa Bilyeu
I wasn't even sorry. Yes, that's true. But anyway, I saved the present for last. And I'm so excited, like, you know, because in my head, in the immaturity that I had, it was. He gets me, right? Because, like, he knows the gift he gets me.
- [35:53]
Tom Bilyeu
We're in love. Like, how could he not?
- [35:55]
Lisa Bilyeu
He paid attention to me. These are all the feelings that make me feel special. And I open it.
- [36:00]
Tom Bilyeu
Okay, Keep in mind, before she tells you what I got her, what she wanted was a watch. What she got was teeth whitening strips. I am mortified. I'm absolutely mortified.
- [36:15]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yes, you heard it right. Teeth whitening strips. I had mentioned a few times that it would.
- [36:21]
Tom Bilyeu
That's why you don't hint from that day. I was so traumatized and upset with myself. Hey, I did go get you the watch. Let's.
- [36:32]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yes, but I was.
- [36:33]
Tom Bilyeu
And the thing is, look, cuz I was heartbroken.
- [36:35]
Lisa Bilyeu
But it made me laugh. It made me laugh at the time, but.
- [36:39]
Tom Bilyeu
But it made me want to crawl in like a fetal position because he
- [36:43]
Lisa Bilyeu
was like, was it what? Did I guess right? Did I guess right? And in having a relationship where we said we'd never lie to each other, I couldn't lie to you. So I was like, I did what? Teeth whitening strips. But maybe not for Christmas.
- [36:57]
Tom Bilyeu
Oh, God, it was so heartbroken. And we were so far apart at the time.
- [37:00]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [37:00]
Tom Bilyeu
Because different countries, like, this is emotionally stressful for me now, like, still, like, I am still corresponding that I got a date.
- [37:08]
Lisa Bilyeu
But it was a really strong lesson. And the lesson was like, don't test the other person. Because here's the thing. He tried, right? You really did try to think about, like, what was it that she would like and what was it that she told me. And it's not nice not feeling like you can deliver on it. So we kind of said after that, like, be upfront and honest. Like, don't test me because you're trying to test me as if it means, like, what I actually feel about you, but it's not right. You have a. People say you have an amazing memory because when it comes to statistics and remembering quotes, like, you have an incredible trick to you. You have tricked me. Because I know the story you read. You know, out of 100, you remember 10.
- [37:51]
Tom Bilyeu
But I just read that much you
- [37:52]
Lisa Bilyeu
just read that much. Correct. But you actually do have a terrible memory. He won't remember what we did last weekend. He won't remember what he had for dinner yesterday. But it is what it is. And if then I used memory as a signifier for how much you care about me, I'd feel, like, very unloved. Yes, sadly, I would, frankly. And so we actually said to each other, like, don't test each other because it's not an accurate reflection of how they think about you. So since then, it was, I always remind you of my birthday. I will even say to you whether I it's important for you to buy me a birthday card or not. And I'll say to him, like, a day before, two days before, like, hey, remember it's my birthday.
- [38:32]
Tom Bilyeu
Remember to give people the information when there's still time to do something about it. That's very important.
- [38:37]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, don't do it on the day where you're like, well, I was kind of hoping for this because now you've set them up for disaster, like, set them up for success. So it's, baby, I really want you to write something for me. It doesn't have to be in a card, but it'll be really meaningful for you to write something. Don't buy me a present. That's what's meaningful to me today. And so just tell them exactly what you want and then see if, then they're able. They can basically deliver on it. And even, like, I think I've set reminders in your phone before. Like, when we go out for dinner for my birthday, it's, I want you to book it. I normally do all the bookings, all of that, I take care of all of that. But on my birthday, for whatever reason, it's meaningful that you book it. Now every year you forget that won't last for the following year. So I'll just remind you, hey, it's important that you book our restaurant for my birthday dinner. Like, do you want me to set you an alarm to do it?
- [39:29]
Tom Bilyeu
Right.
- [39:30]
Lisa Bilyeu
So, yeah, don't test, don't test. Be honest. Be super upfront, even if it's petty. Right? Like, yes, it's meaningful that you book the restaurant. It seems pathetic that other people may be like, really? That's what you focus on. But it's meaningful to me. So set you up for success because it may be pathetic to you, but if you know it's meaningful to me, you're going to do it for sure. All right, so on that note, ah, Britney wrote back about Japan. It was a lifelong dream to spend a year working here and I made it happen.
- [40:04]
Tom Bilyeu
That's amazing.
- [40:05]
Lisa Bilyeu
Nice.
- [40:06]
Tom Bilyeu
Very impressive.
- [40:07]
Lisa Bilyeu
I've got four months left and it's been amazing so far. Thank you for the shout out. Love it, Britney. That's freaking awesome.
- [40:12]
Tom Bilyeu
Very cool.
- [40:13]
Lisa Bilyeu
Amazing. Amazing. All right. Oh, here's a question from Jonathan Adams. I cheated on my girlfriend four months ago, got her back finally, and then a month ago she let me. She left me again for liking girl's pics on Instagram. I didn't mean anything. I love her with all my heart, but now she's shut down and built up a brick wall. I've never hurt so much in my life. How do I get through that wall and turn that switch back on with her? Who goes first, Man?
- [40:46]
Tom Bilyeu
By all means, if you've got some, why don't you hit it?
- [40:49]
Lisa Bilyeu
So it's not just about the photo, right? It's. It could have been anything you trust, right? You could be walking in the street and a pretty woman walks by and because she doesn't trust you, she's got her eye on you to see if you look at her. Because then it just reinforces that, see, I told you. He's. He's a cheater. Or see, I told you he's, you know, he hasn't changed. And so until you can overcome that, it doesn't matter what you do. Look at girls photos on Instagram like a page. You're speaking to a colleague at work who happens to be female. Like it can be innocent, but you haven't overcome that yet. And so clearly she doesn't trust you. And so one thing I would ask is, you said it didn't mean anything. Why did you do it?
- [41:37]
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- [42:08]
Tom Bilyeu
Oh, God. So this is interesting. This is going to get weird really fast. So a. I totally get how a guy could have an affair and literally be like, it really didn't mean anything, really.
- [42:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
So hang on, let's just 100%. So if, if it was 100% sexual, do you think that, that, like there could be tons of sex at home as well. And you still go out and.
- [42:31]
Tom Bilyeu
Oh, 100%.
- [42:33]
Lisa Bilyeu
So is it like self esteem? Because, oh, hey, a girl's coming on to me, it makes me feel good.
- [42:38]
Tom Bilyeu
Oh, it would definitely make them feel good, but doesn't mean that he has low self esteem.
- [42:42]
Lisa Bilyeu
This is a fascinating sighting.
- [42:43]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. Look, I'll give you the neurobiological underpinnings of what's going on without saying that I think that this was smart behavior because clearly it was relationship destructive. And so if you don't get the result that you wanted, it clearly wasn't the right choice. So just based on results, I can tell you he made a mistake, which I don't think he would disagree with. You can take vole, you can take a rat. They just do these studies with the small animals. I would. This probably holds true for chimps as well. You put them in a cage with a known female, they will have sex once and stop take that female out. Put a new female in and it'll have sex again right away. And then stop take that female out. This is all like in, in a matter of hours. Put a new female in, they'll have sex again, but they wouldn't have had sex with the same one. So pair bonding comes down to vasopressin, oxytocin. It's, it is neurochemical. There is. You can actually, and I think it was Dr. Amen that said that literally if you want to date his daughter, he scans your brain for. It's like the uptake of vasopressin or something or the production of vasopressin. I forget because it's like there's a gene that says how much that will impact you. So for me it's like sky high. Right. So I bond with you, which is why I don't have problems with commitments or anything like that. Because what I get from a shared life is, is like 10x100x what I get from the exhilaration of sex with other people. But it would exhilarating like and to. That's where I think people get them in trouble. It's why you and I talked very early on in the relationship. It is not that I'm never going to find somebody attractive again. I will for sure, 100% if I see an attractive woman, I will have a physiological response to that. So if you take that personally, we've now got a problem because you're just fighting biology. However, I'm committed to you, I want to be in this. I get something so much more out of that Sacrifice and that commitment than I get from the neurochemistry of, you know, having somebody find me attractive, having somebody desire me, which is incredibly potent.
- [45:02]
Lisa Bilyeu
Sure.
- [45:03]
Tom Bilyeu
And then, like anything, that rush of neurochemistry is like a drug. So if he has a propensity for addictive behavior or whatever, that rush may be so strong for him that it overwhelms what he gets from Parabon. Now, that doesn't mean that obviously he's talking about he's in anguish. He's never experienced pain like this before. So it doesn't mean that there's not repercussions and all of that. Also, the prefrontal cortex, I'm gonna guess this is a guess, but I'm gonna guess that he's young. And if he's less than 25, the prefrontal cortex doesn't even stop developing until you're 25. None of these are excuses because you either get the result that you want or you don't. And that is all that matters to me. And so somebody young can, of course, put themselves in a position where they don't cheat. I'm just saying, like, I'm explaining the neurobiology. That is it. Now, to answer the question he actually asked, there's no getting back together. Not now. Take a year off. I just think that the way the human mind works, if you guys go discover yourselves for your. Look, the pain is real and the pain will suck, but the pain will dissipate. There's just no two ways about it. And I think he will learn, learn way more about himself and about his relationship to the neurochemistry of sex by accepting the consequences of his actions, giving her the space that she needs to, like, refind herself, re Establish herself. Because to not trust somebody, like, there is no point to being in the relationship. None, none. If that person doesn't make you feel like they're number one. Okay. It's a feeling totally subjective. But the only thing I've ever encountered in my life that made the sacrifices of a relationship make sense is I want to be somebody's number one. Now, there's something about the passage of time, and I think if they go off and have individualized experiences, they may realize, whoa, despite that, like, I've never felt with somebody else the way that I felt with him. But you need time. You need to go do things, you need to go discover things. You need to accept that you did something really fucking dumb. From the perspective of, I wanted to have a long lasting, meaningful relationship with this person, and I acted in, you know, discord with that. And I got this also, to be frank, like, maybe monogamy is not this guy's thing, maybe it's never going to be his thing and he will forever swing in moments of loving being in a pair bonded relationship, and then moments of not. And so there are certainly lifestyles to explore that don't. That aren't predicated on monogamy. Read the book Truth by Neil Strauss. I'm almost certain it's called Truth by Neil Strauss. An utterly fascinating look at his own exploration with non monogamous relationships, which for him resulted in. He was the guy that wrote the Game, which is about pickup culture. But for him, he chased like every sort of non monogamous variation of relationships. There is only to realize, actually what I want is to work through the issues that he had. I'm not saying this guy has the same issues, but just he had relationship issues that were from his childhood and all that got past that partly from therapy and partly from exploring and has since been able to maintain a monogamous relationship, but he had to work through all of that. But I don't place a moral judgment on monogamy. For me, it is purely a question of, of are you open and honest and are you both actually getting from the equation what you want? And if you are phenomenal and if you're not, then one of you has to change something.
- [48:40]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, I mean, I agree the problem and I think you're right. Right. He needs to really ask himself, like, why did he cheat? If, if it's just the, you get the hormonal, you know, response and it makes him feel good and it gets in the rush and stuff, then as the woman, like, I can't help you with that. So she. So like, if it was me, right. I so love you and I want to be with you desperately. But if the reason being was like, it just felt good, I'd have to break up with you because there's no. How do you overcome that? Right. It's not. I feel really down on myself and you know, work was going terribly. I got fired from work and so I just, just wanted to feel needed. I'm not saying there's any reason.
- [49:31]
Tom Bilyeu
I was gonna say you wouldn't excuse it.
- [49:32]
Lisa Bilyeu
No, I wouldn't excuse it. But we've already had that, that talk from the beginning. So when we first met, I said to you, there's two things that I will never forgive you for. And this is when we first met. I won't forgive you if you ever cheat on me because that means I can't trust you again and if you ever hit me. So those were the two things for me that were like, I will not overcome this. But look, I don't pass judgment on people who do forgive, people that cheat. It's just you need to find out what that is and work on it. Like, if you choose to stay in that relationship, what are you doing differently? Because if you're not doing anything differently.
- [50:07]
Tom Bilyeu
So can you give a single example? People that we know? I'm not saying the examples aren't out there, but people that we have firsthand relationship with that have truly gotten past infidelity without taking time off.
- [50:25]
Lisa Bilyeu
I don't know. I can't really think about people who.
- [50:28]
Tom Bilyeu
I don't think. So,
- [50:31]
Lisa Bilyeu
yeah, I don't necessarily create such an imbalance.
- [50:34]
Tom Bilyeu
I don't know.
- [50:35]
Lisa Bilyeu
I don't necessarily think that that's the right thing for everybody. Like, you may want to like, dig in deep, find out the real reason. Work on that.
- [50:43]
Tom Bilyeu
I guess with enough therapy, like, yeah,
- [50:46]
Lisa Bilyeu
they're both willing to. And you figure out like why, what caused it in the first place, and both sides are willing. But until you have those discussions, until you make those changes, until you actually sit down and go, what are we going to differently? How did we come to this point? Like, whatever the reason, right. I was drunk. I don't want to make any excuses. But figuring out.
- [51:06]
Tom Bilyeu
So this is interesting, you need there to be a reason. Yeah, that's interesting. Neurochemistry, millions of years of evolution. That isn't because. But having a bad day at work and being drunk.
- [51:16]
Lisa Bilyeu
Well, I tell you why. Because what are you going to change then? If it's purely just like she was hot and I wanted to get some. What are you going to change?
- [51:27]
Tom Bilyeu
Self discipline, commitment.
- [51:29]
Lisa Bilyeu
Right.
- [51:30]
Tom Bilyeu
So has that rolling your impulse, Right.
- [51:32]
Lisa Bilyeu
So has that actually been discussed? Like, oh my God, my impulse was. And I. You need to discuss that and figure out then how to get to that next level. But if it was just like, I don't know why I did it. You can't change.
- [51:46]
Tom Bilyeu
But what if the answer was legitimately. I know exactly. I've had time to think about it. I know exactly why I did it. It, it was the drug like intoxication of being desired.
- [51:57]
Lisa Bilyeu
Right? Okay, so I. There'll be multiple things. And again, like I haven't been in this situation. So I'm just kind of thinking about what I would want to do. I think it'd be like, okay, so what are you going to change? So that. Right. Self discipline. How are you going to practice self discipline? So I can see that also, whether you like it or not, there has been that effect on me. And so this is what I need from you to get the trust back. It may be silly, right? It may be I don't want you ever talking to another woman on social for months. But I'm just. It may be silly, but like every. You need to be honest because if that person isn't feeling like they're, you know, like they're your number one anymore, you have to give them the keys to the kingdom and say, this is what's going to make me feel like you're number one again. And if you disagree, then cool. Now at least you know, she wants me to do X. I'm not willing to do X. That means that we can't go any further. But until you have those discussions like, how do you overcome that problem, you can't. And so now you're kind of just pushing it aside, hoping that telling her you love her is going to make a difference, which it won't. Just buying her flowers every so often, hoping that that's going to make a difference. It won't. So I think you need to be very honest in what you need and then see if you're both willing to do it. Because maybe he's willing to do it.
- [53:30]
Tom Bilyeu
I think the likelihood that that ends in crazy town is rapidly approaching 100%. I think the only advice that we can give in good conscience is split up. Up or get therapy. Yes.
- [53:42]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yes, 100%.
- [53:43]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [53:44]
Lisa Bilyeu
But that's what I mean by, like therapy, like talking about it. Talking about what?
- [53:48]
Tom Bilyeu
You. Yeah. I'm just saying there's a real difference between talking about it and talking about it with a professional who can help you develop the tools that you need to get by. But that was very interesting. Thank you. For the vulnerability that was.
- [54:04]
Lisa Bilyeu
I know. Really? Really. Thank you. All right. So some people have asked about my shirt.
- [54:11]
Tom Bilyeu
Nice.
- [54:12]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [54:12]
Tom Bilyeu
So the custom version of your shirt, I trust.
- [54:15]
Lisa Bilyeu
So is there an Impact Theory T shirt for girls?
- [54:19]
Tom Bilyeu
There is. It's called the Impact Theory T shirt for boys with scissors and you. But we're working on that.
- [54:26]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, we are working on it. Because, you know, I. Yeah. Love to rep what I believe.
- [54:31]
Tom Bilyeu
And technically it's unisex sex.
- [54:32]
Lisa Bilyeu
It's not for boys. And I do just cut the arms. I have a shirt that has like those cuts in the back. And so I'm trying to learn how to do those, like, cool design cuts in the back. And when I say learn, I mean, just ask a few people. But. So, yeah, I just customize them. But right now, you can buy them on our Impact Theory website.
- [54:50]
Tom Bilyeu
You can impact theory.com, click on the shop. Link, Store Link. Store, Shop. Which is it? They'll figure it out. It's Storage Shop.
- [55:00]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yay.
- [55:01]
Tom Bilyeu
There it is.
- [55:02]
Lisa Bilyeu
Thanks, Indy.
- [55:02]
Tom Bilyeu
Thank you, Cindy.
- [55:03]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, we've got time for one more question. Well, it's only four minutes left, so it's gonna be.
- [55:07]
Tom Bilyeu
Are you serious? Wow. We went deep on, like, two questions.
- [55:10]
Lisa Bilyeu
I know.
- [55:10]
Tom Bilyeu
That's hella deep.
- [55:11]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [55:12]
Tom Bilyeu
Can we get. Can we do rapid fire?
- [55:15]
Lisa Bilyeu
I'm trying to get better because I've got to read the questions and find a good one and then rapid questions. What if it's not a rapid answer? He's so demanding. All right. Okay. So this is from Nicole Telfer. Thomas is just. Wow. Tom has described Lisa as being a ninja when it comes to supporting him at his lowest moments. Can you talk more about this? What does it take to support someone's back to being their best selves? And how do you not get stuck in the negativity while you support. So do you want to go first?
- [55:54]
Tom Bilyeu
I mean, I can, but this is really about you.
- [55:56]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [55:58]
Tom Bilyeu
What makes you a ninja?
- [56:01]
Lisa Bilyeu
It's so you're God. There's multiple things to this. It's knowing that you're my number one, so I will do anything to. To help support you. And so what does that mean? Right? Like, there's emotional support. There's emotional support within yourself. There's a support within the company, support within your beliefs and your vision. And so ultimately, I think everybody wants to feel like there's someone on your side. And so no matter what happens, I think about my actions, and I think, does he feel like I'm on his side? Now, that doesn't mean you just agree to everything. Right. Like, I'm far from just agreeing to everything that you want to do or. But it's.
- [56:46]
Tom Bilyeu
I'd like you to work on that.
- [56:47]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, I'll work on it. But it's going like, what is your priorities? My priorities is you. Is feeling like you have somebody there for you, your number. Right. That you're someone's number one. And if that is my priority, everything else has to then be secondary. So if it comes to make a decision based on money, making a decision based on time, situations like all of that, the first thing I ask myself is, does. Does he feel like he's not my number one? Because if. Let's Take Quest, for example. You in a job that you hated before Quest Awareness Technologies. You were just miserable, you know, eight years, grinding out, grinding it out. And the reason why I went eight years, I think was a big thing, is like, look, if this is what you need to do, then do it. And then going, what is the worst case scenario? Right. So right now, you're unhappy. I want to try and help you with that. With that. And then we started talking about, like, outlandish ideas. You were like, what if we just left and left the country and we were creatives and we just sat on a beach in Greece and I got to learn the language, you know, dive deep in the culture, and we could write and be creative of. And I thought, here's a guy who's. For eight years, your soul has been sucked out, and there's a spark in you, and I haven't seen this spark in a while. And I want to encourage that because I see how much that makes you Look. You seem alive. So if I'm thinking about the financial situation, our apartment, what we're gonna do about visas, like, but what is my family gonna say? We've just spent eight years trying to do this one thing. What are we just gonna walk away from it? Like, all these thoughts and worries and things that go, none of it mattered, because I knew my priority, my priority was you. And seeing that spark alive is like, okay, this is an opportunity for me to encourage that. And so everything else will work itself out. And so when you're down, it's making sure that you know that I am that support. But again, not kind of like we were talking about earlier with my digestive issues is not coming down to that level. And you've given this example before, but. But it's true, right? Like, when you're knocked to your knees, I don't sit down next to you and cry with you and say, woe is us. Right? I say, babe, it sucks. Now let's fight this. Like, I'm here all the way. Let's do this. Like, so empowering you to get that strength and not feeling sorry for you. Yeah, that's kind of a long.
- [59:35]
Tom Bilyeu
No, that was good. And that the last part was what I was gonna add to that if you didn't. And that, to me, is the most important remind the person of who they're trying to become. Right?
- [59:46]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [59:47]
Tom Bilyeu
You use my words against me very effectively. You remind me you get what you focus on, and that you really can't have sympathy for somebody without pity. And I think at the end of the day, nobody wants to be pitied. I want empathy. I want you to understand, but I don't want you to sympathize and get on your knees and cry with me. So, all right, We've got to be way over time at this point. I fear that an alarm is about to go off.
- [60:12]
Lisa Bilyeu
Oh, yeah?
- [60:14]
Tom Bilyeu
What's that?
- [60:15]
Lisa Bilyeu
Oh, we go to 1105. Well, there's one thing that I want to add to that.
- [60:19]
Tom Bilyeu
Okay.
- [60:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
Having kind of mantras and quotes you just repeat over to yourself, like, for me, is very powerful. And the one thing I always tell myself is sink or swim. Either way, baby, we go together.
- [60:31]
Tom Bilyeu
Together.
- [60:32]
Lisa Bilyeu
That's it. Like, sink or swim. If we succeed, we'll be together. If we fall and drown, we'll be together. But it doesn't. Like, that doesn't matter. It's the being together part that is the biggest thing for me. So I don't focus on the highs and the lows versus, you know, are we on that same level? And do we support each other throughout that?
- [60:54]
Tom Bilyeu
Nice. And you do say that. No question. All right, guys, thank you so much for joining us here at Relationship Theory. It, as always, has been a lot of fun. We went hella deep on, like, very few questions, but those were some pretty amazing questions, and we are eternally grateful to you guys for asking those questions and for being a part of this community. We're reading all of your comments. We are super, super grateful for the amount of engagement that we get. We don't take a single comment for granted. There really is us. And by us, I mean me replying to all the comments. And we will keep jabbing at this one and hopefully taking away some of her other responsibilities so that she can get out there and be social as well.
- [61:33]
Lisa Bilyeu
Oh, and going off to that. We've got. Yeah, we've got another. We've got another intern, Ibrahim. Welcome. He's downstairs getting trained, but we'll bring him up another day. But, yeah, so another, you know, impactivist making a difference here at Impact Theory.
- [61:48]
Tom Bilyeu
Indeed. All right, guys, if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. This is weekly show, and until next time, my friends, be legendary.
- [61:54]
Lisa Bilyeu
Be legendary, everybody.
- [61:57]
Tom Bilyeu
Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to Stitcher Rate, and review us. That helps us build this community, and that is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. Alright, guys, thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.