← Tom Bilyeu's Impact Theory
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- [00:00]
Lisa Bilyeu
A vacation rental should come with support, not surprises. That's why VRBO comes with a VRBoCare guarantee and 24. 7 life support from real people. So if something goes sideways, VRBoCare can help. If the host cancels Verbocare if the listing says heated pool, but there's actually no pool to heat. Definitely a verbocare thing.
- [00:17]
Commercial Announcer
If my teenager starts calling me Leslie
- [00:19]
Lisa Bilyeu
instead of mom, that's a family thing. Leslie. That makes sense. Sorry. Book with support, not surprises, verbo care and 24. 7 life support. If you know you're Verbo terms apply. See vvrbo.com trust for details.
- [00:30]
Tom Bilyeu
If you work in university maintenance, Grainger considers you an MVP because your playbook ensures your arena is always ready for tip off. And Grainger is your trusted partner, offering the products you need all in one place, from H Vac and plumbing supplies to lighting and more. And all delivered with plenty of time left on the clock. So your team always gets the win. Call 1-800-GRAINGER visit grainger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done. Everybody, welcome to another episode of Relationship Theory. I'm your co host, Tom Bilyeu. I'm here with my beloved wife Lisa, and we're about to rock your world.
- [01:09]
Lisa Bilyeu
Wow. Let's do it.
- [01:11]
Tom Bilyeu
Let's do it.
- [01:12]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, let's do kick off or let's kick off with itunes. Review of the week. This is from Shenanri. Oh, God.
- [01:21]
Tom Bilyeu
What I love is that you didn't practice that beforehand. That's amazing because you were rushing me
- [01:25]
Lisa Bilyeu
that you were on a tight.
- [01:26]
Tom Bilyeu
You said, I'm ready when you're ready.
- [01:28]
Lisa Bilyeu
You're such a thigh.
- [01:29]
Tom Bilyeu
See, this is so basically, is lying going to become like a habit in our marriage? I do want the record to reflect that. She said, I'm ready when you're ready. Which apparently is code for don't rush me.
- [01:40]
Lisa Bilyeu
It's kind of fun to figure out these names as I read them. Or God is Shenan Shenani Drays. Sure.
- [01:48]
Tom Bilyeu
All right, that sounds like an intense name.
- [01:50]
Lisa Bilyeu
I have been listening to this podcast for well over a year now and hands down, has been the biggest impact on my life. My mindset, habits and life have shifted in ways I never thought possible. From the amazing guests, Helping Health Theory and my ultimate favorite, Relationship Theory, I've learned to communicate effectively with those around me and continuously strive to be the best version of myself. Can't rave about this podcast enough and excited to see what else is on the horizon.
- [02:13]
Tom Bilyeu
I'm sad to lose her as a listener now that we can't say her name.
- [02:19]
Lisa Bilyeu
So thank you, Shen. I'm just going to abbreviate it for that lovely review. And guys, that is our what our ask this year is to really try and grow our podcast as much as we possibly can. So our ratings and our reviews are definitely something that is priority for us. So if we are bringing you value and you do like this podcast and the rest of our podcast, please please do subscribe and tell your friends about it if you think we can value to them.
- [02:46]
Tom Bilyeu
Great review.
- [02:46]
Lisa Bilyeu
Exactly. All right. And oh also one more thing. If you guys do want us to answer any questions, we will happily do it anonymous. Just mention that you don't want to be named and please email questions to connect@impacttheory.com that's connectpacttheory.com word.
- [03:06]
Tom Bilyeu
Got it all.
- [03:06]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, now let's kick it off. All right, first question. This is from Elina Pedraza, my man. And I love your show and listen to all the content you provide, not just relationship theory. And we have really awesome in depth conversations about it. One of our recent conversations was about human attraction. One of us believes it's primal because we are hardwired for reproduction and sex, while the other one believes attraction is more conscious and chosen and that ultimately we conscious choose who we are attracted to based on our emotional needs and it's not strictly primal. How do you guys think about attraction? Would love your impact. What I love is that she didn't say who was who.
- [03:43]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, I certainly have my guesses.
- [03:45]
Lisa Bilyeu
I do too. But I'm actually, it's really interesting. Okay, great freaking question. And go.
- [03:50]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, so I think that it's a bit of column A and a bit of column B. So there's some really fascinating research on this topic. Sex at dawn is a pretty interesting book. That's the only one I can remember off the top of my head. But there, there's some pretty, pretty interesting and compelling research. Oh God. If we really want to get crazy, like the studies on the studies on
- [04:19]
Lisa Bilyeu
like shy right now.
- [04:21]
Tom Bilyeu
It's not shy. It is entirely that. I have employees that listen to this show and so there's definitely stuff where I'm like, I would talk about this without hesitation in my. Just like my normal life. Anyway, so without wasting the listeners time, there's really interesting studies about sexual arousal where they've like measured the. God, I can't remember if it's. I think it's blood flow to the vagina, blood flow to the penis. While they show different sexual images. And there's like men definitely have. And there's, there's been some pushback on this recently. So take some of this research with a grain of salt where people are saying that the device they use to measure blood flow to the vagina may not be like entirely accurate, but it's, it's really fascinating even if it's only directionally correct. And basically it's like men have one. Like if they're straight, they only respond to straight images. If they're gay, they only respond to gay images. Where women have a much more flexible sexual response, which is utterly fascinating in pop culture. And that's as far as I will take it. In pop culture. You see massive references. In fact, the new song, I don't know if you noticed the lyric thank you next by Ariana Grande, one of the Thank u next exes is a woman. And it's really fascinating to me certainly that there's cultural acceptance around women being attracted to men, to women. That is more about the person than it is about just the sort of raw pre programmed sexual response. Also, I will say you were about to say something.
- [05:57]
Lisa Bilyeu
I was gonna say it wasn't part of that study as well, that women also just responded to like watching two men together.
- [06:04]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, they just, they respond to sex, basically. They responded to like chimpanzees having sex. And so obviously that does not mean that they're attracted to that. Let's be abundantly clear. I don't. Nobody is saying that, not even the people and study. But it, it was fascinating to see that there was much more rigidity on the male side than there was in the female side in terms of blood flow. I want to be abundantly clear about what they were actually measuring. So that is interesting. I'll let people draw their own inferences. But now to how, you know, is pop culture revealing something that is innate or is it just that we're like there becomes this momentum and it shapes people's behavior rather than the other way around? I won't even postulate on that. But I do think that it's interesting that there are sort of multiple data points that seem to suggest that there is a higher degree of flexibility with women in terms of. And I'll give one more data point to this, which is if you look at what men are attracted to as they age, when men are young, they're attracted to a 22 year old. When they're 22, they're attracted to a 22 year old. When They're 40, they're attracted to a 22 Year Old. It's hilarious to see the graph. It is like no matter what age the man is, 22 is what they find attractive. Women on the other hand, there's like a four year span on either side of their age and so it moves. So when they're 22, it's like they find 18 to 24 attractive. Right. And it just moves up. So when they're 40, they find somebody who's 42 to 38 or whatever the exact window is. But it's like it slides with them, which tells you obviously that what they're attracted to shifts as they age. But with men it doesn't. So I think that there's probably. Well, I'll say that from my perspective a thousand percent. There's a certain element that I consider absolutely manipulatable in my own life. 100% for sure. And I've talked about on the show many times that the, the scenario I play in my head is that you get horrifically burned and I find a way to emotionally invest in that and to actually be like just as drawn to you as ever. And for sure some of that is just empathy playing a part. Some of that is like value system. I value making you feel amazing. And so being able to fall in love with that and find a way to connect with it is something that I would value in myself to find a way to do. But I won't even ask people to buy into that because I've never done it. So I can't swear that I would be successful at it. But the thing that I can say is that I'm more attracted to you now than when you were 22. So. But clearly your about to turn 40. So the thing about. If left to my own devices, the studies would suggest that I would find you at 22. That would be the thing that I would find most attractive. But because I've spent so much time investing in our relationship on an emotional standpoint and then very intentionally conflating that with sexual arousal that I've continued to just find you insanely attractive. But that is definitely something that I think about. It's something that I invest in. It's something that I intentionally, intellectually and emotionally put together in my mind to say, like for instance, your hair to me is a representation of you stepping into yourself and being confident and feeling your power and really like owning who you are and not being afraid to take risks and all that stuff. So when I look at your hair, I am putting that in my mind. I'm saying, fuck, that's so hot. Like actually saying things like that and being like it's hot not only because it's a cool and edgy hairstyle, but it's hot because of who you're becoming. And that I value that. And this is why I'm obsessed with this notion of what you value is, I guarantee, malleable. And that as you invest in what you find, what you decide to value, that it will have knock on effects that over enough time begin to register on a limbic level. So it's a literal neurochemical emotional response. So in the beginning, and the easy way for me to explain this to people is the reverse. Like, you know that something can go from amazing to being a limbic emotional stress response. So like for instance, you have a, you like to hang out in the bedroom, right? You don't like to do work in the bedroom because you know, wherever you work over time you're going to begin to associate that with work on like a deep emotional level. So there's nothing that you can do to separate it. Just say, oh, I'm not working now, so I can still hang out in the areas that I work. Like, you would never, we happen to be filming, you know, whatever 20ft from where you work. So you would never just come down here to hang out because this is like a workspace for you. So I think people can logically understand that how something can go from completely neutral or even positive to very negative. And all I'm saying is the reverse is equally true. Something that is neutral or even negative through values, through emotional investment, through positive interaction can become something that's wildly positive. So I definitely think that there's, if people take conscious control of it, there is a certain amount. Now I will say that I think that there are just some things that are hardwired, that there are things that you're going to find attractive, period. I do not think that we are born blank slates. I think that we very much have hardcore predilections. I think that the female brain read the female brain for sure. And then. And part of the reason I always talk about this is I. I cannot speak definitively, but I will say that it seems like I have not had to convince myself to be attracted to women. I don't think that it was something that was just imprinted on me as a kid. Like, I really feel like it feels my experiences that I came hardwired with that. So I'm going to postulate based on my own experience that the same Thing is true for people that are attracted to the same sex, but we both know people that are that self identify as bisexual. And I don't think that they're lying on either side of the equation. So people that have been married to the opposite sex, had children, love that life, then the marriage dissolves for reasons have nothing to do with their sexual attraction. And then their next relationship is, is with a partner of the same sex. And knowing them and seeing their relationships, they both feel completely authentic to me. And in some cases they were as shocked as anybody.
- [12:32]
Lisa Bilyeu
You can be open, by the way. I've already asked her and she says she's, she's good, wonderful.
- [12:35]
Tom Bilyeu
Your mother was married to your father. And as far as I can tell, that was a 100 legitimate relationship that she was way into both sexually and emotionally. And then when she, when they divorced, her next part, well, I don't know if it was her next partner, but ultimately the next person that she was in a long term relationship with was with a woman. And she was like, I was as surprised as anybody.
- [12:58]
Lisa Bilyeu
And she listens to this show and I just want to say she's like the baddest ass chick I've ever met in my life. I'm having her on Women of Impact.
- [13:05]
Tom Bilyeu
You're talking about her wife?
- [13:06]
Lisa Bilyeu
About, on.
- [13:06]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, yeah. So my mom. Because your mom is also equally amazing. But seeing them like is just proof positive to me that one There is a degree of surprise certainly and flexibility. Anyway, I'm gonna put a point on that because I.
- [13:23]
Lisa Bilyeu
But one thing that's really interesting is I've heard them talk, my mom and her wife, and it's really fun because they're both bisexual, so it's really funny to hear them drool over a guy together. Like, it is amazing and beautiful and like that's a level of connection that I was wish other people can have. Right. And that's kind of going to. When me and you first met on our very first day. Like I'd been in a relationship before where if I even glanced at a guy walking by me, it was three hours of arguments. Why are you looking at him? What the fuck? Like, so I, when I went on the first date with you, I was very much of the, like, you don't look at other men. You, like, focus. Like, do not. You know, if you find one guy attractive, then that means everything else. Like other guys, you can't even look at them. And I remember on our first day, you were like, that's ridiculous. You're like, of course you're going to find other men attractive. Of course I'm going to find other women attractive. Even when we're, you know, not when we're married, but even like when people get married and they're in their 80s, like, to think that that part of them switches off is crazy. And it sets people up for failure. And I remember how much that hit me on our first day and remember thinking like, I've never heard someone be so secure because you weren't there was like, it's a reflection of like the fact that you're not jealous. Right. And going back to my mom and her girlfriend when they can look at guys like. And I know I've told this story before, but one of my missions when I was working out really hardcore in the gym was I really wanted a booty. Like I wanted like, you know, a very, like one of those high perched booties. And I would work really hard and I would tell you because I would want encouragement. And you knew it. So you were trying to encourage me. And there were times where I would point a woman's butt and I'd say to you, like, babe, what do you think of her butt? And we were in it together because, you know, I felt support reported in a very weird way of you looking at other women's butts. You know, so that was my favorite
- [15:14]
Tom Bilyeu
story in that is when you pointed out the two topless women at the hotel swimming pool making out. And I was like, yeah, my wife is not.
- [15:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [15:20]
Tom Bilyeu
Jealous or insecure.
- [15:21]
Lisa Bilyeu
And that was actually that. I like that story too. Because the truth is. And I used to like same with porn. Like I really used to think like, oh my God, if you're in a relationship, you shouldn't be looking at porn. Like I used to actually think that.
- [15:32]
Tom Bilyeu
And now you spend until I.
- [15:35]
Lisa Bilyeu
Who told you? But, you know, I don't. It's very. That was a massive shift for me in the way of understanding that, you know what, we're all freaking human. And whether it's a natural human attraction from one person to another or it's, you know, over time. What's the word that she used? It's a conscious thing, I think depend like either way I was going with that. I think both can be possible.
- [16:05]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I, I think that there definitely is an element of both. I think that we come hardwired. I don't think it's a surprise that for the most part people fall into some very predictable sexual patterns which we'll call a heterosexual. But I also think even Removing it out of that realm and not making about that. Making about. Just like your type. I think your type can be influenced massively, depending on what you choose to value.
- [16:31]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. All right, next question. I could keep going on with that one.
- [16:35]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. It's actually pretty interesting.
- [16:37]
Lisa Bilyeu
I was about to say how I watched Terminator 2.
- [16:42]
Tom Bilyeu
Really? Without.
- [16:43]
Lisa Bilyeu
No, no. Well.
- [16:44]
Tom Bilyeu
Oh, my God.
- [16:45]
Lisa Bilyeu
It wasn't then. It wasn't.
- [16:46]
Tom Bilyeu
Fires of Hell are calling for you. That would be so crazy. If you watch that movie without me
- [16:51]
Lisa Bilyeu
recently as an adult. How about that?
- [16:53]
Tom Bilyeu
Wow. That's very different, homie. Well, because here's someone edging up on 40. It's like, that's a pretty big swath of recently, 22 years ago.
- [17:02]
Lisa Bilyeu
Here's my point. When I watched it, I felt so freaking weird because I used to love Edward Furlong. I had such a crush on him. And then as an adult, I watched it, I felt so icky.
- [17:14]
Tom Bilyeu
I was like, oh, God, how was that?
- [17:15]
Lisa Bilyeu
It's so weird. Like, his voice hasn't even broken.
- [17:18]
Tom Bilyeu
So that's so random.
- [17:21]
Lisa Bilyeu
You said something, I think, about, like, aging and growing. Your type changes. I think that was my point. That was so far off. But anyway. All right, next question. This is Anonymous. All right. Dear Tom and Lisa, you had mentioned in previous episodes that it is important to make your partner feel like they are your number one. In your opinion, does this mean that it is okay to regularly communicate with other people you are sexually and emotionally attracted to as long as you maintain or make sure you're doing your best to make your partner feel like they are your number one? What are your views both as the one who communicates regularly with people you're attracted to emotionally and sexually and as a partner of the person who maintains these types of relationships?
- [18:06]
Tom Bilyeu
Danger. Danger, Will Robinson. Like, look, people are always going to find other people attractive, for sure. The use of the word emotionally attracted to freaks me out. And I think that people have to be really careful now. I don't know how they define it. Maybe it's just, oh, I think that they're really cool and interesting, but, like,
- [18:26]
Lisa Bilyeu
they're one of my best friends. Could that be emotionally?
- [18:30]
Tom Bilyeu
It could, but I think, oh, God, now let's really kick off a just maelstrom of hate. I think that being best friends with someone of the opposite sex, if you're also sexually attracted to them, is way fucking dangerous.
- [18:42]
Lisa Bilyeu
Oh, if you're already sexually attracted.
- [18:44]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. Yup.
- [18:45]
Lisa Bilyeu
But I didn't mean to derail you.
- [18:47]
Tom Bilyeu
No, not at all. I think that that's the so my point being that you have to be very careful about emotional involvement. Like there's just a sexual attraction is it is a part of the brain, like evolution has made sure that you will find people sexually attractive to make sure that you procreate. So that like that is a thing you have that engine in your brain that is a thing that is so easily to influence. In fact, if somebody, and I think this is equally true for women, I know that it's true for men. If somebody said I'm asexual, I'd be like, cool, let me hit you with 500cc's of testosterone. You won't be asexual for long. So it's like that is such that simple. Probably not. And it's good that you're checking me on that. But like, if you, like if. Thank you. If you hit someone with that at one point in their life, had a normal libido and it's beginning to slide, the first thing they will do is give you testosterone and your, your sex drive will come raging back. That. Thank you. That's infinitely more accurate. The other one may be true. I just don't know. It is a hormonal brain wiring thing. So knowing that you have that, it's like, that's why on a first date I was like, look, you're always going to find people attractive. It's just a thing. Don't be tense about it. I'm certainly not tense about it. But the emotional thing, that only comes from involvement. And I think that the way that they keep leaning on my word, which is feel like you're number one. They need to be your number one. And they need to actually, they need to actually feel that they need to be feeling the truth, not that you're just making them feel. Is it okay if I make them feel like my number one? Well, not if they're not actually your number one. Because first of all, why would you want to be in a relationship with somebody who isn't your number one? And if what you're really getting at is that you like maybe serial monogamy, you like to move from one partner to the next, or you don't like to be in a monogamous relationship and you want to be sexually active with multiple people, like there's nothing wrong with that. If your partner's on board with that, go for it. But that's one of those things you got to communicate the out of. Like you got to be real careful with that. So yeah, I, I, I am not sure how they Mean, the word feel, but the way that it kept getting brought up made me think that they just wanted them to feel that way and they weren't really their number one.
- [21:11]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. Can I? Yeah.
- [21:12]
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- [22:13]
Lisa Bilyeu
That's exactly how I read this, is that they're with somebody. They probably really do care about them, but they also have other people in their lives that they're attracted to. They have a connection on a level that maybe she doesn't. They don't have with their current partner. And so they're like. But I'm trying to make them feel like they're my number one. And I think that they're missing the point. Right. The point is, are they your number one? Because that's very, very important to make sure that people hear when we talk. It's like, we don't trick each other. So when I know you're manipulating me to get what you want, I know it's because it's what your intentions are. And I see the manipulation because you're very honest about it.
- [22:52]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, I was gonna say I never manipulate. Such a horrid word.
- [22:55]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yes.
- [22:56]
Tom Bilyeu
I never use a technique which is a little lighter without telling you I'm using this technique. This is exactly where I'm trying to get you.
- [23:02]
Lisa Bilyeu
Okay. And I do the same to you. And I say that up front, like, I don't hide the fact that I'm manipulating. Using the technique, however you like to
- [23:10]
Tom Bilyeu
say it, nudging me in a positive direction. That's healthier for the relationship.
- [23:14]
Lisa Bilyeu
What's the word? Nudging you? Yeah, like that. Yeah. Like that nudge you, but you know you're being nudged.
- [23:19]
Tom Bilyeu
Yes.
- [23:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
It's when someone's trying to trick you or mis. Miscommunicate or pull the wool over your eyes or whatever that people start to feel that. And that's probably what's happening here, right? That person's partner is feeling like they're not the number one, even though they're desperately trying to make them feel like that. It's a. In the effort of, like, if I knew that you were trying, I don't know.
- [23:44]
Tom Bilyeu
Well, let me. Let me go somewhere even slightly different, which is to say, for your own sake, be in a relationship with somebody who is your number one. They light you on fire. It is such a beautiful place to live. Like today. This morning, I was taking my cold shower, and I got out and I was drying off, and I thought I heard your footsteps, but I didn't. And I was a little heartbroken. Like, I wanted to share that moment with you that I just done my cold shower, and I wanted you to be proud of me and, like, all of that, like, emotion of. And I thought this. This is the sign right here. When you think you hear their footsteps, are you, like, still a little giddy, a little excited? Like, we've been together now for almost two decades, and I still get excited when I think I hear your footsteps. Like, that doesn't happen by accident. And that's what I want people to understand. We've not lucked into this. Like, this is the precise reason that we can do a podcast about relationships, because we put the effort and energy into codifying all this stuff, to know what we're doing, to make sure that our communication is, like, at a crazy high level. And that is such a beautiful place to live. Like, that's what I want people to understand. Like, the. The brain seems to be, as far as I can tell, because we are social animals. It is absolutely hungry to have this, like, beautiful mindset where you want the other person to win. You want them to feel good. Like, that having that kind of relationship where you want something so good for that person, that wanting good things for someone else feels awesome. And so being in a position where you're that connected to that person, where you feel like you can let your guard down, that you're vulnerable, that you guys are really connected, you're super authentic. And just like, that headspace is, like, the thing I want for everyone. It's just a super rad feeling. And so, yes, you can probably get away with tricking that person, at least for Some period of time into thinking that they're your number one, but you're cheating yourself.
- [25:38]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, Yeah. I literally was thinking the exact same thing. It's. If you've only got a certain amount of time in your life and you've only got a certain amount of energy to expel every day, like focus on expelling that energy on something that's actually truly making you happy and you fulfilled. And if this person isn't your number one. Jesus. The amount of energy. The amount of energy it does take for me to show you who you are, my number one, that you're my number one, is already like it. You know, it takes effort. It takes daily activities, daily things that we need to practice and do. So that you do feel that. So I. I couldn't imagine putting that amount of time and effort into something that wasn't authentic or real. So, you know, I. I hope that that answer is somewhat helpful in maybe having them realize that this person isn't their number one or that.
- [26:30]
Tom Bilyeu
Or they really are, that they need to switch up their correct.
- [26:33]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, we got a Witcher segment.
- [26:37]
Tom Bilyeu
It's been a while.
- [26:38]
Lisa Bilyeu
It's been a while. All right, guys, join in with us and yell out your answers as I read along. We've never read these. These are always just off the cuff that. Well, by Michelle sends us. All right, so would you rather be attracted to your partner off the bat, but that attraction never grows, or not find your partner attractive until years into your relationship, but that attraction has no bounds.
- [26:59]
Tom Bilyeu
Wow. I mean, I think you're better off like in the one where it grows over time. I just don't think that's really real. I don't think you'd stay in a relationship unless it.
- [27:08]
Lisa Bilyeu
Well, yeah, so unless it's like your friends. And then over time, because you hear about that people have been friends for years and then all of a sudden something happens in the spark and now they're together and they attracted to each other.
- [27:19]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. So in that. In that instance, that's the perfect scenario. I would much rather the second one.
- [27:24]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure. Or you could say that someone like me has such a high attraction for you that I don't need it to ever grow anymore.
- [27:34]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. I mean, fair enough. Sexually, I would say that, Yes, in some ways I. I was sexually attracted to you right from the jump. But I will say that for me, and maybe I'm in a minority here, but for me, sex is far more interesting with emotional connection.
- [27:56]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yes.
- [27:56]
Tom Bilyeu
And so my emotional connection has Grown for you over the years, exponentially. So in that sense, the sex has gotten infinitely better. So, yeah, the. The realities maybe make the. Would you. Rather less fun.
- [28:14]
Lisa Bilyeu
And to be honest. I know. And to be honest, as I got older, it's less about the physical, to be honest, and it's about, like, for instance, I'm just going to reveal something, you know. Well, I don't know if you know this, but yesterday I was doing a review, and I was watching your keynote, and so I just spent an hour, and you were sitting next to me, and, babe, clip off the clip. So basically, one of the editors cuts your keynote up and sends me the clips to approve. So I was going through clip after clip after clip, and some of them hadn't been edited yet, so they were like 10 minutes long. And by the end, I was like, he's so fucking good. And I was sitting there like, I'm so attracted to him right now, and it was like I wasn't even looking. I mean, I guess I was looking at you on my computer, but it was crazy how now, as I get older, I'm a lot more attracted to your talent than I was when I was younger. If you. If you were like. But ugly and extremely talented, the truth is, I don't know if I would have gone on that first date.
- [29:13]
Tom Bilyeu
Right. So, yeah, I mean, that's interesting. And. And this may be at risk of derailing, but it's something I find so fascinating. People that don't understand that sexual attraction is part of the game. And I've heard people say, like, why can't they just like me for me? And I'm like, yeah, that's. To deny the realities of what nature has given us, which is this whole sexual attraction thing. And you should make an effort because it's a recognition of the realities of human sexuality. And so people that don't make an effort, that want somebody to just, like, get to know them without any draw to get to know them, like, that doesn't make sense to me. Like, that's just. Yeah, it's patently absurd. So it's like recognizing how human sexuality works and then playing to that. I get that you don't want to be in a relationship or sleep with somebody that doesn't care about who you are, I'm totally fine with that. But understanding that the way that you draw them in close enough to actually get to know you is through sexual.
- [30:09]
Lisa Bilyeu
Right, right. That's a very great way of pennant.
- [30:12]
Tom Bilyeu
What is up, impactivist? Hope you guys are enjoying this episode. Wanted to give a quick shout out to our sponsors and then we'll get right back to it. Remember, our sponsors are all hand chosen. We love these guys and think that they have something incredibly valuable to offer. So be sure to give a listen. A lot of these guys are doing special offers just for you. What is up, Impactivist? Let me tell you something. I do not drink often, but when I do, I always drink with my wife. There is something so amazing about the emotional bubble that you can get into with a nice drink. And so that's why we're so excited to bring you guys winc, which is spelled W I N C. And WINC is a service that lets you easily discover great wines that match your taste. So if you want to create that magical vibe like we do, might we suggest Wink?
- [30:57]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. And what I love about it is it actually caters to you and your taste. So you can actually go over to their website. You take a quiz, you answer simple questions like how do you take your coffee? And do you like citrus? And things like that? And it curates wines she straight to your door, starting at $13 a bottle, especially for you and your taste buds.
- [31:16]
Tom Bilyeu
And the more wines you rate, the more personalized your monthly selections will get. It's kind of like Netflix. They've got an algorithm that's going to determine what kind of wines you like best.
- [31:24]
Lisa Bilyeu
So now you can Netflix chill and drink your wine.
- [31:27]
Tom Bilyeu
Nice. And you guys know how much I love efficiency. And Wink just makes it so much easier to find a good wine that you're actually going to like.
- [31:35]
Lisa Bilyeu
And then also you get with your shipment a tree Wink journal which has recipes to pair with your wine and information to educate you about the wines you get. So you and your partner can become wine connoisseurs, if you will, in no time at all.
- [31:49]
Tom Bilyeu
All right, Discover great wine today. Go to trywink.com relationship theory. You'll get $20 off your first shipment. And that's try Wink T R Y W I n c c.com relationship theory for $20 off. So try wink.com relationship theory right now. Go do it. What is up, Impactivist? Thank you so much for tuning into this episode. And I want to take this moment to tell you about what is probably my favorite show to do. And that is my Tom dilyu Ask Me Anything show, also known as ama. This is where I I get to serve you guys. I'm answering your questions. Anything you want to know about any topic. We go into it. I cover mindset, business, entrepreneurship, neuroscience, relationships, the whole Lot more. It is quite literally whatever you guys want to talk about, whatever you ask. We're going to go into it. I really pour myself into this show. I give it my everything, man. If I've ever added value to you guys, I want you to check out this show. Let me know what you think. You can check out an episode today and see what all the fuss is about.
- [32:57]
Commercial Announcer
All right.
- [32:57]
Tom Bilyeu
I promise it will be worth your time. All right, guys, Enjoy and be legendary.
- [33:03]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, next with you are that would you rather have your partner only attracted to you physically or only attracted to your personality?
- [33:10]
Tom Bilyeu
Oh, that's horrible. But easy to answer.
- [33:11]
Lisa Bilyeu
Personality. Yeah. My looks will change.
- [33:15]
Tom Bilyeu
Looks fade, baby. Looks fade.
- [33:16]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, they do. And they droop.
- [33:19]
Tom Bilyeu
Looks droop.
- [33:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, you know, like.
- [33:21]
Tom Bilyeu
No, I know exactly what you mean. It's just quite funny to think about.
- [33:25]
Lisa Bilyeu
Would you rather find everyone you meet attractive or no one you meet attractive? Everyone.
- [33:30]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [33:30]
Lisa Bilyeu
Because then at least it's in my
- [33:32]
Tom Bilyeu
control of being not ever finding anyone attractive. That would suck.
- [33:36]
Lisa Bilyeu
That would suck.
- [33:38]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah. There it is.
- [33:39]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, back to the questions.
- [33:40]
Tom Bilyeu
Word.
- [33:40]
Lisa Bilyeu
Thank you. Well. By Michelle, for those which you are this.
- [33:42]
Tom Bilyeu
Indeed.
- [33:43]
Lisa Bilyeu
All right, next question. This is from Merrick Vitakarvik. Hey, guys.
- [33:50]
Tom Bilyeu
I'm sure it was perfect.
- [33:52]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, it was perfect.
- [33:52]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [33:53]
Lisa Bilyeu
Hey, guys, do you feel we attract ourselves? Do you feel we attract ourselves? Over 16 years, I've dated well over 100 women, and I've seen a bit of a cycle in the women I have attracted. What's the process in changing the woman I attract and my next relationship being a relationship that is fulfilling?
- [34:10]
Tom Bilyeu
It's interesting. I think it's probably more like you're a puzzle piece. And so if you've got a certain kind of attitude, personality, need, want, wound, whatever, you're going to attract people that for whatever reason, respond to that. I think people are more likely to respond to something they were set up to respond to in their youth than they are responding to seeing themselves, Though they're probably. And this person may fall into this category. There's definitely a certain type of person that's narcissistic enough that they want to see themselves reflected back. But I would say that's probably more of a minority than people who they're set up to find something attractive and then they find themselves drawn to that. So, for instance, you had a very ambitious father. I don't think it's a mistake. You ended up with a very ambitious husband. So there are for sure. And that's why abusive relationships, people that are in dysfunctional families, end up having dysfunctional marriages unless they address that issue. They're just like, it's a comfortable zone for them. It's something that they understand. There may be some element. I haven't thought through this enough, but this seems directionally correct. There's probably some element of wanting to find themselves in that situation again so they can resolve it or fix it or win in a way that they feel like they lost as a kid. I could definitely see that playing out over and over. Things like the impossible to please father, people then find themselves with impossible to please significant other. It's, you know, things like that. I, I get the human propensity to want to step into something that is both familiar and that gives them an opportunity to solve it, but they don't have the, the tools, the emotional tools to actually solve it. So they just end up in a cycle of trigger and response.
- [35:56]
Lisa Bilyeu
Dating is also kind of like you've, you've used this analogy for, I think like a career following my passion. So when I was thinking about dating, it's like, well, let's say you have, you go, you're doing sports and it's like, okay, well, what sport? It resonates with you the most. And then you play that sport and it's okay, what position resonates with you the most? And maybe you try different sports, maybe try different positions on the team until you find the one that you're like, yeah, this is the one that, like, I love and I really want to go all out in. It's kind of like that, like, dating is a testing ground in essence. And I thought I wanted a type of guy. I thought you initially were that type of guy. On our first date, you completely demolished all expectation and showed me, wow, this is actually the type of guy that I'm more interested in than I thought you were. I was, you know, I went after the rude boy, the guy that had the cool car, and I met you and I thought, oh, he's cool. And then you asked me on a day and you walk me to your big ass Buick, an old man's car, and. But you held the door open for me. And so here I am thinking I'm about to date a guy that's super cool in regards to materialistic things. Never even dawned on me that I'd never met a guy that was chivalrous ever, because I'd never had it in my life. And so first day, very first, you know, five, 10 minutes of that day, you completely demolished everything that I had thought I wanted or was Looking for or found attractive. So Sawyer Carthorpe. Well, okay. Didn't expect that.
- [37:29]
Tom Bilyeu
Short lived.
- [37:30]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. And then. But then you opened the door and I was like, wow, he's such a gentleman. And I never saw that coming. Anyway, so that's why it's like. I do think dating needs to be some form of experimental. See what resonates with you, see what doesn't. But for me, it's like. Then kind of put them in like categories or do ticks, you know, like mentally of like. Okay. Actually really like this type of personality trait in somebody. So I'm going to look for this again in my next person that I date because they didn't have this part, which isn't interesting, but.
- [38:02]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, well. So do you want to see how many people we can piss off really fast?
- [38:08]
Lisa Bilyeu
Not really.
- [38:09]
Tom Bilyeu
So there's an awesome quote because you've given that example, me holding the door open a thousand times. And it does make me really think about what resonated with you there. But when I think about who you were primed to, like what you valued and all that.
- [38:24]
Lisa Bilyeu
The Greeks do not open doors.
- [38:26]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, yeah. I'm not. I'm not taking away from that, but let me finish the thought and let's see if you agree. So there's an awesome quote. I think it's by Mark Twain. Everything is about sex except sex. That's about power, which I've always found utterly fascinating. And I don't think I would have had a shot with you if I wasn't your teacher because that set me up in the most powerful light ever. So when you saw the car, it wasn't like. Or the fact that I showed up for our first date in just a T shirt. I took you to shit restaurant.
- [39:00]
Lisa Bilyeu
You're in your work clothes.
- [39:01]
Tom Bilyeu
All of that restaurant.
- [39:02]
Lisa Bilyeu
You can't even really call it a restaurant.
- [39:03]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, like dive Chinese restaurant in a strip mall with a B rating in the seat and a B health rating. This is all true. For the record, that was my favorite restaurant. But this speaks to my poverty at the point. But. But the like. When I really think about what set me up for success, not wanting to bullshit people like that was part because I did not have up to a year before I met you. I had no game whatsoever. I was not good with women in the slightest. And learning to be confident in all of that was a huge part of how I was able to begin to have game. But I don't think it's an accident that the most recent two women that I dated had seen Me, teach. So, like, one was like a co worker, but still, she was seeing me at my very best. And then you were my student again, not only seeing me at my best, but you were seeing me in a position of, like, as a teacher, you have elevated status. So. And for anybody listening, and this is your first time, it was a school for adults. I do feel compelled to mention that. But I. It is really interesting to me that there was a power dynamic at play in our relationship.
- [40:13]
Lisa Bilyeu
What do you think that is? Because the funny thing is, I mean, we've been together
- [40:19]
Tom Bilyeu
19 years almost.
- [40:21]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah. Not quite 18 and a half, literally. It's never dawned on me, really, Every
- [40:28]
Tom Bilyeu
time you tell that story, I think, is she just glossing over the part about meeting Artisia?
- [40:33]
Lisa Bilyeu
It never dawned about the power thing.
- [40:35]
Commercial Announcer
Wow.
- [40:35]
Lisa Bilyeu
It never dawned on me.
- [40:37]
Tom Bilyeu
Wow. I've thought about that every single time I've talked about how we met. And thinking every time you tell the car story, I think, God, thank God she saw me like, that I was her teacher and that she thought I was cool and that she saw my film. She thought my film was cool. Like, all without that. No way do I get to the point where I'm telling you all that stuff at the dinner table, and it's really, you know, getting under your skin. And that's why everyone was like, he's not the typical guy that you date because you met me in this really weird circumstance where I was already in this elevated position.
- [41:11]
Lisa Bilyeu
That's interesting.
- [41:13]
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- [41:43]
Lisa Bilyeu
So what do you think it is about power?
- [41:45]
Tom Bilyeu
That this is why. This is why you're just begging for hate mail on this.
- [41:50]
Lisa Bilyeu
But look, I think the big thing for me and you and this podcast and everything we do in the way that we communicate with each other is, like, we're not saying it's right or wrong. We're not saying, like, it should or shouldn't be. We're just saying, like, sometimes it's the reality. And to not address the reality, I think just holds you back in life. And so for me, even with this, like, yes, people may not like what we are saying, but the I believe it is Somewhat true.
- [42:19]
Tom Bilyeu
And so if I don't think there's
- [42:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
any somewhat about this, I think I'm just trying to be sweet and yeah,
- [42:23]
Tom Bilyeu
I mean, look, and I get it, like, I'm always open to having my mind changed. But here's the reality of what I have lived, that there, there is a power dynamic that creates sexual tension in a good way. And that at least in what I'll say is a relatively traditional role for us. You had a powerful father growing up, so you're like already primed to find that attractive. I was in a position of power which allowed you, even though I was young and not financially well off, because I was in that position of quote, unquote power. It was. And I was teaching you something that you valued and you thought I was good at it.
- [43:07]
Lisa Bilyeu
So confident. And I wonder if that's why, because confidence does somewhat kind of overlap with power. Right. And so I think women, I'm going to speak for women, not for men, but women are attracted to confidence. So that's actually interesting when. Yeah, the confidence and the power thing. Sorry, keep going.
- [43:26]
Tom Bilyeu
I like stuff together. There's a reason, at least in modern society, that there's a reason that the, the adage goes women are attracted to status or they're drawn to status. Access to resources is the way you hear about it written in literature. So men are attracted to. The reason that men find a 22 year old attractive forever is because that's the most likely to be fertile. And certainly at a deep evolutionary level, being attracted to that which is most fertile makes the most sense because you're more likely to have offspring. So it's actually easier for me to explain that than to explain why I personally find it so important to have an emotional connection. So there's clearly something there, at least if it's not the majority, though I think that it probably is on a long enough timeline. Like, there's something about human connection and all that feeling safe that seems equally important to the sexual attraction. But on just sort of a. I don't know you. And so either I am or am not attracted to you is definitely going to start from, do you give off signs of fertility? And if yes, then I'm attracted to you. And it's pretty fascinating to see that broken down. Like, what those cues are. It pretty much things that we consider universal signs of beauty. Symmetry of the face, lushness of the hair, like clarity of the skin, like it goes on and on. Things that nobody be like, no, I like really bad acne, or no, I like it when they're, like, going patchy and bald. Like, it's just. No one's gonna be like, oh, yeah. Or I like it when their eyes are asymmetrical. It's stuff that's, like, pretty hard to refute. Those are the.
- [45:03]
Lisa Bilyeu
No. Like, I'm gonna push back a little on this because I hate. No, because I used to hate my nose. And so as an average, my nose is way bigger.
- [45:14]
Tom Bilyeu
Correct.
- [45:15]
Lisa Bilyeu
From average.
- [45:15]
Tom Bilyeu
And go ahead and say the really hard thing. And as a traditional sign of beauty, it is less attractive.
- [45:21]
Lisa Bilyeu
Correct? Yes.
- [45:22]
Tom Bilyeu
Yes. Yeah.
- [45:22]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yes.
- [45:22]
Tom Bilyeu
But you're not saying that's not true.
- [45:24]
Lisa Bilyeu
Right?
- [45:24]
Tom Bilyeu
You're just going to get to the punchline.
- [45:27]
Lisa Bilyeu
Do you want to tell my story?
- [45:28]
Tom Bilyeu
No, but I want to say that this isn't refuting. Like, this is feeding in.
- [45:31]
Lisa Bilyeu
Right. So, but so if my nose is way bigger than the normal average, that is considered typically beautiful. When I said to you, for instance, and I've in the past wanted to get a nose job, you said, don't you dare, because it makes you. You. So you had, let's say, an opportunity to encourage me to get what society considers a perfect nose. Now, look, from the now I'm very different. There's no way I'm gonna touch my nose.
- [45:59]
Tom Bilyeu
But.
- [45:59]
Lisa Bilyeu
But back then, that was your response.
- [46:03]
Tom Bilyeu
Yes.
- [46:03]
Lisa Bilyeu
So. And, well, it's not traditionally beautiful.
- [46:07]
Tom Bilyeu
Correct.
- [46:08]
Lisa Bilyeu
So you tell me.
- [46:09]
Tom Bilyeu
So my thing is that, of course, like, especially as I get to know you, then it's going to become part of you, but there's also an element of it does make you more unique. And as I value that, so this feeds into what you value, correlates to what you find attractive. But at the same time, there's no question that, one, I don't think it shows a lack of fertility, but two, it's like when you were young, all of the things you had going for you in terms of traditional signs of beauty, clear skin, great hair, firm body, like all of that stuff, hip to weight, hip to waist ratio, like, all of those things definitely played into your advantage. Now, the fact that I as an individual happen to value uniqueness, uniqueness of appearance, that as I got to know you, became a part of you and I, like, really fell in love with you and everything about it, which speaks to my whole thing about as a person changes. You can find ways to connect to it. And because your nose is one of your most unique features, which is funny now because I can't even see it anymore. But back then, it was like one of the things that Gave me an anchor point to really fall in love with, to touch it, to make it mine, to make it part of, like, you and what I associated with you. And so it was very easy to take it from something that was really quite neutral to something that, like, oh, it's so unique. And, oh, it's something I associate with her. And, oh, it was like this trauma for her as a kid, but, oh, I love it. You know what I mean? So I invested in that emotion.
- [47:37]
Lisa Bilyeu
You actually used to kiss my nose. You don't really anymore, come to think of it.
- [47:40]
Tom Bilyeu
And I think part of that was because in the beginning you needed that. And subconsciously, because I wouldn't have been able to really identify. No, no, that's actually not true. I was very aware of what I was doing. So you needed that. You need to know that I loved it, that I was okay with it, that I invested in really making that a point of attraction for me. And so then over time, it really. And this is the thing I want people to understand about repetition, is in the beginning, it becomes something that you're doing. Like, I was doing it to make sure you knew that I was into it. I was into all of you, every bit. The good, the bad, the everything in between. And that wouldn't be accurate, so I wouldn't say that, but. And it wasn't the word that was in my mind, but as I did that over and over and over and invested in it, it became real. And it really, just then was something that I was attracted to. It really was this unique thing that you had that I wanted. And then it was like, yeah, became part of the gestalt of you, this imprint on me of things that I find attractive. And so the irony would be that God forbid something ever happened to you, I would definitely find myself more drawn now to a woman with a larger nose because it has become so associated in my mind with, like, deep love and commitment, like, all the things that I really value. And now it's just because I invested in that over and over and over. It's like my brain goes, oh, okay, that's a real thing. And so it just literally becomes hardwired and is sort of the perfect example of what I was talking about earlier with what you choose to value becomes real with enough repetition.
- [49:15]
Lisa Bilyeu
I love that. As you were talking, there was one more thing, actually that was kind of all fitting into place about the power thing. And because I was like, you're so whining. Never hit me like that. I really want to think about it. And as you were talking, I started to realize I consider myself a very strong and opinionated woman. And I think most women that I know, because I hang around with a lot of, like, alpha women, women that are very strong, confident, and every single one of the people I have spoken to. So I don't want people to get annoyed. This I don't want to put out, you know, a blanket generic statement. But the people I have spoken to, all strong women that I have ever known, all say they want a strong man. They want a man that's powerful because they don't want a guy that can buckle. So, you know, let's say I'm pushing and I'm feeling very opinionated. I don't want to be with somebody that's just always going to say, okay. I want someone that has that strength and backbone to push back when they think or when they disagree with me. And almost every. In fact, every woman I've ever spoken to that's extremely confident says the same thing. They do not want to be with somebody that they can walk over. And so I think that that's probably also part of the power thing, is that, like, as for me, looking for somebody that doesn't, you know, kind of just do what I want and say what I want, that would be a miserable relationship for me.
- [50:38]
Tom Bilyeu
I think that that's. I won't go so far as to say universal, but that is probably more. Infinitely more common than the reverse. So I'll speak for confident men as well. It's way attractive to have somebody who owns themselves that doesn't just do what you say so that you really can be a shared mind in some way, that where you're strong, I'm weak, and where you're weak, I'm strong. Like that. That give and take feels good. And it feels like I've outsourced some of my cognitive responsibilities because it's like, oh, thank God, she'll know what to do in this moment. Now, admittedly, in the beginning of our relationship, I had insecurities around that, but as I've gotten over that, like, that has become really powerful to know that, oh, I suck at this, but she's amazing. And so I can go, like, present this. Hey, what do you think? Because I'm actually not sure what to do. That's really, really powerful. So I think that that's not just a. Women find that attractive. That's definitely men, certainly successful, pure men find that attractive. And even if they don't on the surface, because in the beginning, I would have Said, I'd love it if she just always thought I was brilliant. That would be amazing. But in reality that's not. It's actually a pretty insecure place to live.
- [51:52]
Lisa Bilyeu
I was about to say, would you always.
- [51:54]
Tom Bilyeu
On paper, I would have said, like if you had said, here are the two scenarios in front of you, I would have said definitively I want her to always think I'm brilliant. And then in the practice of that, I think that. That I would find myself wandering to find somebody that could challenge me, to find somebody that had good ideas, but I wouldn't have known to seek that out.
- [52:12]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah, that's interesting. And really, I think kind of as we're diving deeper, it really is about being challenged versus power over someone. Right. Or the power someone has. Because I think that there are many dynamics where the woman is a work, you know, goes to work and the father, you see that more and more where fathers are staying home. So it's not. I don't. Yeah. I think the word power is something that, as we've been talking, it's really about the challenge that you give each other on an emotional level. Because even thinking to. Because if you were always. If I was always impressed by everything you did, you wouldn't have felt like what you did this morning where you're like, you'd thought you had my footsteps and you wanted to tell me that you had done five minutes in the cold water or 10 minutes, whatever you
- [52:58]
Tom Bilyeu
did, I will say, don't cheat your man here.
- [53:01]
Lisa Bilyeu
How long did you do?
- [53:03]
Tom Bilyeu
I did seven straight and then two posts. So nine.
- [53:06]
Lisa Bilyeu
That's very impressive. But imagine you tell me and I'm like, yeah, because I'm always impressed. There's no.
- [53:13]
Tom Bilyeu
Well, always impress is different than growing over time to just be like, eh, whatever. I'm saying, I'd always want you impressed. That's true. But just to double down on power. I think that there actually is, and I don't know why and I've never thought about this, but there is something intrinsically hot about someone who's really good at something, especially if it's something that you're not really good at. Like you're so good at drawing and I so value drawing and I so wish that I was good at it. And I'm really fucking terrible when I see you draw. I'm like, that shit is hot. And that's why I said, even before I met you, I said my future wife will either be able to draw or sing. Because those are two things that I really esteem and am really bad at.
- [53:51]
Lisa Bilyeu
And here's. Now we're really going down a rabbit hole is actually one thing that I struggle with a little, because I really want you to be impressed. And when I first started drawing, when I, you know, put the pencil down for over 10 years and I started drawing recently, you, when I first picked it up, you were like, over the top. And now I think it's like. Because I do it all the time. It's a little like, okay, yes, great. And you're always very sweet. Hang on, but let me finish. But here's the thing. We value different things when it comes to art.
- [54:20]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [54:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
So for instance, you're like, why don't you get a computer? You can blow it up. You can do. So for you now I'm almost, like, at my top. I feel like I'm at my top of impressing you because now I won't transition over to computer.
- [54:32]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, you're damaging our marriage just to understate it.
- [54:35]
Lisa Bilyeu
But anyway, so for me, it is. What I love is the art itself. I love the pencil, I love the paper. So. But my point is, I don't want to, like, digress. My point is, is that I obviously very much want to impress you. I love impressing you. I love seeing that, like, glare in your eye where you're, like, super, like, excited and impressed by something I've done. And sometimes I know I'm going against that. So with my art, I know now that when I started drawing, there's that little part of you that's like a fucking computer and that I know you want to say something doesn't finish and. But that's important for me to see and still then make a decision that's right for me. Because if I'm just always working to have you impress, I would have gone over and computer now. You would have sucked out the joy of the art for me. And now I would have now gone probably another 10 years without drawing. But I just like, yes, I love seeing you impressed. Yes, I love seeing your reaction when I've drawn. But I. I have accepted that if I wanted to get the. The response I'm looking for, I'm. I need to go over to a computer, and I'm. I'm not willing to do that. And so I have accepted that I will get a certain amount of response from you and that will be that. But because I get so much joy from drawing, I won't change.
- [55:56]
Tom Bilyeu
So that isn't true. And I'm. I'm very. Because I haven't even thought about the digital thing in a while, I'm. I totally get it. And so this is a very good point for me to hear that my enthusiasm has lessened over time because now I can take it for granted again, which is bad. Shame on me. I need to stop taking it for granted because I, I. But I really, really love your drawing. And if I thought part of why I went so ham in the beginning was I didn't want you to stop again.
- [56:24]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [56:24]
Tom Bilyeu
So I was like, I really want her to know how into this I am. And I love that she's picking up a pencil again and drawing. Like, that's so rad. So, yeah, I do want to encourage that. So I'm sad that I've lessened my external enthusiasm for that sad bit of human nature that we do start to take things for granted pretty quickly. But no, I love it. I do wish you would draw digitally because it can be blown up so much bigger, but that's it. It's just, I love your art so much. I want to like, really blow it off to a fuck off big size so that we can hang it up on walls and stuff. But.
- [56:57]
Lisa Bilyeu
But I guess the point of why I really want to, like, mention this and is that I think people find themselves in a situation where one like, they want to impress the other person, but it actually goes against what they actually want to do. And so sometimes I think going too much in one way by always giving over to what the other person wants can be dangerous. So for me, I very much analyzed how much I love drawing and realized, you know what? Even though I love hearing you praise my drawing, I love drawing more than I do hearing you praise it.
- [57:33]
Tom Bilyeu
Yep.
- [57:33]
Lisa Bilyeu
And so I had to do what was right for me.
- [57:35]
Tom Bilyeu
Thousand percent very smart.
- [57:37]
Lisa Bilyeu
And I think that people can get trapped into always doing something for the other person because they love the price.
- [57:42]
Tom Bilyeu
Very smart. Powerful point.
- [57:45]
Lisa Bilyeu
Boom.
- [57:46]
Tom Bilyeu
Powerful enough to end on. There it is.
- [57:49]
Lisa Bilyeu
There it is. If you're not already following Mr. Belew over here, follow him at Tom Billyu we have somewhat reinvigorated your social. I don't know what word it is, but, like, I have stepped in and we are showing more like the. The You.
- [58:06]
Tom Bilyeu
Yeah, the. You've made my social far more personal, which is amazing. I think was very good guidance.
- [58:11]
Lisa Bilyeu
Thank you. But it's great. You really get to see the real Tom behind the scenes. Check out his Instagram, his IG story, check out his Facebook. But I gotta say, his Instagram stories are pretty freaking cool. And if you're not following me, guys at Lisa Bilu. That's B I L Y E U
- [58:29]
Tom Bilyeu
O G Deeply personal.
- [58:30]
Lisa Bilyeu
Billyu the og Yeah, I am definitely. I'm pretty much only on Instagram. Check me out there. You do see Mr. B Liu making some appearances as well. And then also, if you just want some cool ass female empowerment stuff, go over to Women of Impact. I've got a lot of responses from guys, babe.
- [58:50]
Tom Bilyeu
Rightly so.
- [58:51]
Lisa Bilyeu
A lot of responses. The episode we just released, I there was a guy who literally commented and was like, I need to rewatch this. I want to show my daughters. Like, your message is amazing.
- [59:01]
Tom Bilyeu
If you have daughters, that's for Swayze. But I'll even say, even if you don't, if you have any interest in connecting with women, it is a phenomenal show.
- [59:09]
Lisa Bilyeu
Yeah.
- [59:10]
Tom Bilyeu
And like you just have really powerful, insightful people. It doesn't even like it's called Women of Impact, but it's really people doing rad that happen to have a uterus. Like that's the.
- [59:20]
Lisa Bilyeu
Can we put that on our YouTube banner?
- [59:23]
Tom Bilyeu
I think that's really it, right?
- [59:24]
Lisa Bilyeu
That's the tagline, women who have badass people who have a uterus tagline.
- [59:28]
Tom Bilyeu
Yes.
- [59:29]
Lisa Bilyeu
Love it, babe.
- [59:29]
Tom Bilyeu
Happen to have a uterus.
- [59:30]
Lisa Bilyeu
Who happened to.
- [59:32]
Tom Bilyeu
Amazing word, guys. Thank you so much for joining us. If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. Until next time, my friends. Be legendary. Take care.
- [59:39]
Lisa Bilyeu
Bye.