Podcast Summary: Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu

Episode: Why Modern Marriage Fails and What Couples Can Do About It
Release Date: January 15, 2026
Guests: James Sexton (divorce attorney, author)
Host: Tom Bilyeu

Episode Overview

This episode explores the rising failure rates of modern marriage and asks tough questions about what couples can do to thrive, not just survive. With the insight of divorce attorney James Sexton, Tom Bilyeu dives into why love, marriage, and relationships have become so fraught—with a focus on practical solutions and honest self-inquiry.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Failure Rate of Marriage and Its Modern Context

• Marriage as a Technology with High Failure Rate

  • “We're talking about a technology that fails catastrophically 56% of the time. Staying together for the kids, even though you hate each other…that’s also a failure…now we have a technology that 76% of the time fails.”
    — James Sexton [01:10]
  • Sexton emphasizes that, beyond divorce, marriages that limp along unhappily also constitute failure.
  • The notion that marriage is a government contract, with rules written (and changeable) by the state, is stressed.

• Tradition vs. Modern Choice

  • Tradition is "the wisdom of those who came before us, but it’s also peer pressure from dead people.”
    — James Sexton [08:42]
  • Sexton encourages questioning why marriage is entered into, given higher autonomy and societal shifts.

2. Relationships as Economies of Value Exchange

• Love and Relationship as Economy

  • “People find the term ‘economy’ describing love as an economy…profane. I don’t mean it in a negative way. It’s about a trading of value.”
    — James Sexton [02:17]
  • Relationships are about a value exchange—not always the same value, not always at the same time, but a mutual sense of contribution and satisfaction.
  • The imbalance and tallying, spoken or unspoken (“Look at what I’m doing for you”), can erode relationships.

• No Standard Recipe for “Equal” Contribution

  • Using Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak as a metaphor: Each partner brings distinct, sometimes non-overlapping value; “Together, they changed the world…which is more important?”
    — James Sexton [04:30]
  • Success is when neither partner feels shortchanged.

3. The Dangers of Assumptions and Lack of Intentionality

• “Most couples…just wing it emotionally. If you ask ‘why are you getting married?’ it’s considered rude.”
  — James Sexton [08:42]
• Society assumes marriage without considering its foundational ‘target.’ The setup for failure comes from the lack of discussion about shared vision and expectations.

4. Modern Shifts: Ease, Safety, and Infinite Choices

• Changing Gender Roles and Social Expectations

  • Tom Bilyeu: “I think that value used to be very clear because the world was dangerous… now the world has been safe…so women are stepping into the workforce…Men now are very confused.”
  • Modern context has removed historic incentives and clarity about roles, leading to confusion ("why exactly do I need to be in a relationship?") [24:04 – 26:11]

• Social Media’s Role

  • Amplifies gender antagonism; encourages comparison, overcorrection, and the feeling that everyone can do better or is missing out.
  • “What is Instagram other than an ad for me? Look at me, look at how great I’m doing…you’re watching when you’re living your gag reel.”
    — James Sexton [36:05]

5. The Importance and Limitations of Ritual

• Rituals and Meaning-Making
  • “Part of the reason…divorce rate is so high is that there’s no meaningful transition between not married and married.”
    — Tom Bilyeu, referencing Joseph Campbell [45:37]
  • Tom shares his own ritual (‘painful’ wedding tattoo) as a permanent, meaningful transition.
  • Sexton agrees that ceremonies (weddings, symbols, rituals) do serve to bolster the psychological contract, yet observes that, “Getting married is beautiful…being married is the harder part.” [55:21]

6. Simplicity vs. Complexity: Practical Skills and Ongoing Maintenance

• Biggest Mistakes in Relationships

  • Mistake 1: Assuming marriage will change someone for the better.
  • Mistake 2: Assuming someone will never change.
    — James Sexton [17:50]
  • Life and people evolve; relationships must include built-in check-ins and adaptability.

• Marriage Is About Preventative Maintenance

  • “It’s about, let’s be practical about this. Like, it’s a job, and you want to be good at this job…love’s a verb too.”
    — James Sexton [18:48]
  • Suggests weekly “walk and talk” check-ins: “What did I do this week that made you feel loved? What could I have done better?” [21:59]

• Conflict: Winning Isn’t Winning

  • “It is impossible to win an argument with your spouse. If you lose, you lost; if you win, you lost, because your spouse feels small.”
    — James Sexton [22:24]

7. Universal Themes in Marital Failure

• Lack of Self-Knowledge and Communication

  • “We don’t always know what we want. We don’t always know how to express it… I am still a little bit of a mystery to myself…”
    — James Sexton [56:36]
  • Suggests most couples set out with “no map, no training,” making it inevitable they get lost.

• Routine and Sexual Dissatisfaction

  • “People sabotage their own happiness with the absolute best of intentions. So just saying to a couple, you got to get your sex life right…what does that mean?”
    — James Sexton [63:57]
  • Couples fall into routine; lack of novelty and communication cause drift.

• Simple, Actionable Practices

  • Regular check-ins, expressing appreciation, and “building in” rituals to maintain enthusiasm and connection.
  • “If you don't have ten minutes a week to devote to your marriage, you’ll need at least a few hours a week—if not with your spouse, with your attorney.”
    — Paraphrase of Sexton’s analogy to preventative maintenance [68:04]

• Understanding and Affirmation

  • "Nudes are for men what flowers are for women."
    — James Sexton [72:24]
  • Each partner desires different forms of recognition and affirmation—this is not controversial, just reality.

8. Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes

On the Essence of Marriage

• “You’re my favorite person. Of all the people in the world, you’re my favorite person… what four words are more beautiful than that?”
  — James Sexton [16:17]

On Social Media

• “We’re now living and creating our own advertisements, which…still, ‘you’re not okay. You need to do something different.’ And we’re wondering why we’re also kind of miserable.”
  — James Sexton [36:05]

On Symbolism

• “God is the name we give to the blanket we put over a mystery to give it shape…and so I think, similarly, marriage is a wall we try to build around a deep connection to protect it.”
  — James Sexton [44:33]

On the Difficulty of the Task

• “We don’t talk about marriage as a skill set. We talk about it like, it’s this magical thing you should just be good at.”
  — James Sexton [58:57]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:07] – Is marriage still wise? Introduction of “marriage as catastrophic technology.”
• [02:17] – Love as economy/value exchange.
• [08:42] – Why people marry, tradition as ‘peer pressure from dead people.’
• [16:17] – Simplicity/complexity; “You’re my favorite person.”
• [21:59] – Weekly check-ins and practical relationship maintenance.
• [22:24] – Why winning arguments is losing.
• [24:04] – Evolution, incentives for marriage, and modern confusion.
• [36:05] – Impact of social media and advertising on happiness.
• [41:16 & 44:33] – Legal status of marriage, symbolism, and protection.
• [45:37] – Lack of ritual, transition, and meaning in modern marriages.
• [56:36] – Universal themes in failure, lack of self-awareness, and communication.
• [63:57] – Sex, routine, and how patterns can sabotage passion.
• [68:04 & 72:24] – Preventative maintenance and practical ways to show love.

Flow and Tone

• The conversation is frank, occasionally irreverent, and deeply practical.
• Both Tom and James hold space for complexity—blending data, hard-won insights from divorce court, and personal anecdotes.
• The tone is challenging but not cynical, encouraging hard questions and concrete action.

Final Takeaways

• Marriage is neither sacred magic nor outdated prison; it’s a skill—and skills require intentionality, practice, and maintenance.
• Rituals, clear communication, mutual appreciation, and regular check-ins are vital.
• Modern society’s messages—through tech, media, and culture—have muddied roles and expectations. Couples must deliberately define what ‘winning’ looks like for them.
• The failure to approach marriage as an evolving, practical partnership—one built on honest negotiation of differing needs—is the root cause of failure.

For Listeners:

This episode delivers a bracing, actionable look at marriage’s dangers and opportunities. It encourages listeners to be honest, be intentional, stay curious—and, above all, keep showing up for the real, imperfect human across the table.