Diavola - STORY REPORT - Too Many Tabs with Pearlmania500

Summary4 min read

Summary of "Diavola - STORY REPORT" Episode of Too Many Tabs with Pearlmania500

Released on May 28, 2025

In the episode titled "Diavola - STORY REPORT," hosts Pearl (referred to as Mrs. P) and Chris Gethard dive deep into Jennifer Thorne's horror novel Diavola. This detailed discussion unpacks the book's intricate plot, complex characters, and underlying themes, offering listeners a comprehensive understanding of the story's dynamics and its impact on the characters involved.

Introduction to the Story Report

The episode begins with Pearl and Chris transitioning from their usual banter and advertisements to the main segment—the story report. They set the stage for their discussion by highlighting that you don't need to have read the book to enjoy their insights, making it accessible for all listeners.

Overview of Diavola

Diavola centers around Anna, the black sheep of her family, who embarks on a vacation to a Tuscan villa under a deceptive pretense. Her twin brother Benny and his new boyfriend, Christopher, join her, leading to a complex web of familial tensions and supernatural occurrences.

[01:35] Mrs. P: "This book really managed it well. She really painted the picture in your mind of the warm sun, but the feelings of bad vibes and ooky spookies."

Pearl appreciates how the author balances atmospheric horror with deep family drama, maintaining a suspenseful and engaging narrative throughout.

Character Breakdown

Anna: Portrayed as brash and unapologetically independent, Anna's actions set the tone for the unfolding drama. Pearl likens her to a "fully grown Kristen Stewart," emphasizing her complex personality.

[15:02] Mrs. P: "She's a little goth, but not full. That's Anna."

Benny: Anna's twin, depicted as a sensitive pushover, struggles to stand up against his domineering sister-in-law, Nicole.

Christopher (Topher): Benny’s boyfriend, characterized as a rude finance bro who belittles Anna, adding tension to the family dynamics.

[11:25] Mrs. P: "Nicole is a goddamn bitch. Like Mary."

Nicole: Anna's sister, whose jealousy and passive-aggressive behavior exacerbate familial conflicts.

[21:39] Mrs. P: "She really hates kids."

Waverly and Mia: The nieces, represented as the only genuinely nice members of the family, adding a layer of innocence amidst the chaos.

Key Plot Points and Discussions

Anna's Deception [03:39 - 05:57]: Anna lies about her early arrival to Florence to avoid sharing a flight with Benny and his new boyfriend. This deception sets off a chain of mysterious events at the villa.
Supernatural Elements [06:03 - 19:53]: The villa's eerie ambiance and the appearance of La Dama Bianca, a vengeful spirit, introduce classic horror elements intertwined with family drama.
Family Conflicts [17:00 - 22:33]: Passive-aggressive interactions and deep-seated resentments lead to explosive confrontations, highlighting the true horror lies within the family's toxic relationships.

[21:05] Mrs. P: "This is downright passive-aggressive behavior...It's gross. It made my skin crawl more than most horror books make my skin crawl."
Anna's Struggle and Empowerment [64:56 - 89:05]: As supernatural occurrences escalate, Anna's journey from being the family's scapegoat to confronting La Dama Bianca symbolizes personal empowerment and breaking free from familial constraints.
Climactic Confrontation [84:57 - 93:15]: The final battle against La Dama Bianca, where Anna leverages her artistic skills and knowledge to lift the curse, culminating in her liberation and transformation into a street artist in Tuscany.

[85:10] Chris: "Can I tell you my favorite...This is so good. I'm obsessed."

Themes and Insights

Family Dynamics as Horror: Unlike traditional horror novels that rely solely on supernatural elements, Diavola masterfully uses familial tensions and unresolved conflicts as the backbone of its horror, making the true terror psychological.
Isolation and Independence: Anna's quest for independence and the resulting isolation from her family underscores themes of self-discovery and resilience.
Supernatural vs. Human Conflict: The convergence of supernatural curses and human interpersonal conflicts creates a layered narrative that explores how external horrors can mirror internal struggles.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

On Passive-Aggressiveness:

[21:05] Mrs. P: "I hate passive aggressive. It's... It's gross. It made my skin crawl more than most horror books make my skin crawl."
On Character Relationships:

[15:02] Mrs. P: "She's a little goth, but not full. That's Anna."
On Plot Progression:

[37:34] Mrs. P: "Nicole is a goddamn bitch. Like Mary. Yeah, sorry, I need a sip of coffee."
On the Climax:

[85:10] Chris: "Can I tell you my favorite...This is so good. I'm obsessed."

These quotes exemplify the hosts' engaging and candid discussion style, providing listeners with vivid insights into both the book's content and their personal reactions.

Personal Reactions and Conclusions

Throughout the episode, Pearl and Chris offer candid critiques and appreciations of Diavola. They express amusement and frustration with characters like Nicole and Christopher, finding their interactions both entertaining and aggravating. The hosts commend Jennifer Thorne for creating a compelling blend of horror and family drama, making Diavola an engrossing read.

[93:32] Mrs. P: "It was so good. I really enjoyed it. It made me feel like I was in Italy with you."

Their enthusiasm underscores the book's effectiveness in immersing readers in its atmospheric setting and complex character relationships. The episode concludes with a heartfelt recommendation for the book, highlighting its ability to evoke strong emotional responses and provide a thrilling literary experience.

Conclusion

"Diavola - STORY REPORT" offers listeners a thorough and entertaining exploration of Jennifer Thorne's Diavola. Pearl and Chris adeptly dissect the novel's themes, character dynamics, and plot intricacies, providing both analysis and personal reflections. Whether you're a fan of horror or nuanced family dramas, this episode serves as a compelling guide to understanding and appreciating Diavola.

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Transcript990 lines

[00:00]
Ryan Reynolds
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[00:32]
Chris Gethard
A message for everyone paying Big Wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway.
[00:49]
Ryan Reynolds
Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment.
[00:52]
Mrs. P
Of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent.
[00:54]
Ryan Reynolds
To $15 per month required intro rate.
[00:56]
Mrs. P
First 3 months only, then full price plan options fees extra.
[00:59]
Chris Gethard
See full terms@mintmobile.com May has been a long month. Which means we need a little sweet treat today.
[01:05]
Mrs. P
A little sweet treat.
[01:06]
Chris Gethard
A little sweet treat to end the.
[01:07]
Mrs. P
Month for our noggins.
[01:09]
Chris Gethard
And the best way to end a month and to get a little sweet treat is with a story report. Too many frauds and too many scammers.
[01:19]
Mrs. P
That we wish weren't real.
[01:21]
Chris Gethard
Too many cons and too many spammers and we're starting to feel like we've.
[01:26]
Mrs. P
Got too many tabs open minutes too many times.
[01:35]
Chris Gethard
Remember to smile. Well, Mrs. P, it's time for a story report. You have read the book Diavola. I'm sitting next to you at a desk.
[01:46]
Mrs. P
Yeah, I'm looking at you and we.
[01:47]
Chris Gethard
Are ready for this audio forward experience. So go ahead and take us away.
[01:52]
Mrs. P
What this feels like we're diving right into some really fun times.
[01:56]
Chris Gethard
We are diving right into some really fun times because we're all excited to hear hear what you have to say about this book that I have not read.
[02:02]
Mrs. P
Yeah. This book. Diavola by Jennifer Thorne.
[02:05]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. And. And just a reminder for story reports. You don't have to have read the book.
[02:08]
Mrs. P
No. Technically speaking, number one, I'm gonna spoil this book.
[02:11]
Chris Gethard
Yes.
[02:12]
Mrs. P
Spoiler alert. I'm a spoiler of books on this podcast, not in real life. I read this book by listening to this book, it counts as reading it that I've decided It. There's no oversight committee to tell me I'm wrong.
[02:23]
Chris Gethard
Can I say something about the story reports? Yeah, I want to say something there. Choose your own adventure.
[02:26]
Mrs. P
They really are.
[02:27]
Chris Gethard
You can choose which experience you want to have. Do you want to have inside jokes from being a reader of the book and being listening to it from Mrs. P's perspective? Then read the book first.
[02:37]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[02:38]
Chris Gethard
If you want to be a cool person, you could be me. Don't read the book at all.
[02:43]
Mrs. P
Come in blind.
[02:44]
Chris Gethard
Come in completely.
[02:45]
Mrs. P
Just enjoy the experience. Let it soak over you.
[02:48]
Chris Gethard
Just listen to us react. And by us, I mean me.
[02:51]
Mrs. P
Yeah, exactly. And then. No, I react too. I react to you reacting.
[02:54]
Chris Gethard
Exactly. It's reaction.
[02:56]
Mrs. P
Yeah, exactly. I'm like one of the reactors on YouTube.
[02:58]
Chris Gethard
What? Kids, can I tell you, because this is a reactionary podcast.
[03:01]
Mrs. P
We're not a reaction. This is a book podcast about fun literature.
[03:06]
Chris Gethard
This is a story.
[03:07]
Mrs. P
Story report. Yeah. Okay, so number one, I do post on Instagram and on our Patreon. What books I'm reading for the month.
[03:15]
Chris Gethard
Yes, you do.
[03:15]
Mrs. P
So that it gives people the opportunity, if they do like to read along, that they'll be able to find the book. If they get it from the library.
[03:21]
Chris Gethard
The opportunity is, do they want a single white female yet? You do they want to wear Mrs. P's mental skin?
[03:27]
Mrs. P
I don't like that. I don't like that. No. Why would you say that?
[03:31]
Chris Gethard
Why say it that way?
[03:32]
Mrs. P
Yes.
[03:32]
Chris Gethard
Okay. Because, you know, it's a little cheeky. It's very funny. I. Well, believe it. It is.
[03:40]
Mrs. P
Oh, my God. Okay, so Diavolo by Jennifer Thorne. Okay, our story starts and we meet Anna, and she's getting ready to go on the pace family vacation.
[03:52]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[03:53]
Mrs. P
And she is starting her family vacation with a big lie.
[03:57]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[03:58]
Mrs. P
She doesn't feel guilty about this big lie either.
[04:01]
Chris Gethard
Oh, good. You know what? I'm already for not feeling guilty about a big lie.
[04:05]
Mrs. P
Her twin Benny wanted her to fly with him to Florence from Newark. A compromise between New York and Philly.
[04:14]
Chris Gethard
Wait, hold on.
[04:14]
Mrs. P
But doing that, she would have to share a row with his new boyfriend for nine hours. And she came up with better plans. Don't jump ahead.
[04:23]
Chris Gethard
I don't you dare. Don't make the connection I'm about to make right now.
[04:27]
Mrs. P
Don't leave it.
[04:28]
Chris Gethard
Oh, my God. So they're fraternal twins.
[04:31]
Mrs. P
So she lies and says she has a work meeting and she flew into Florence early Thursday morning. She went a day early and got an Airbnb apartment and she spent the whole day and night there without her family, so she could enjoy part of her vacation.
[04:46]
Chris Gethard
Florence, Italy.
[04:47]
Mrs. P
Yes. Now that was Thursday. Now it's Friday and all the family is flying in and she gets an Uber and she's being driven out to the Italian villa that the family rented.
[05:02]
Chris Gethard
I. Can I now react properly? Thank you. Because I just did this. Is this why you picked the book? You. You act. She actually flew from Philadelphia to Florence?
[05:14]
Mrs. P
No, she flew from New York. Benny's flying from Philly.
[05:16]
Chris Gethard
Okay. No, she said from Newark. Yeah, from New. Oh, that's terrifying. That's the horror. Yeah, that's the horrors. Flying out of Newark.
[05:23]
Mrs. P
No, no. Okay, so Benny wanted her to fly to Newark because she's in New York, he's in Philly. He was like, meet us at Newark and then we can all fly over together.
[05:30]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[05:31]
Mrs. P
But she lied and she flew from New York.
[05:33]
Chris Gethard
Well, I will say that the author has done their research because there is no direct flight from Philadelphia to Newark. Yeah, I mean, from Philadelphia to Florence. Yeah, you have to go to Newark to fly directly to Florence. If you want to go to Florence in Philadelphia, you have to fly to Rome. Then you have to take a 30 minute train to Termini station, and then you have to take a 90 minute train from Germany station to Firenza, which is what they. It's in Florence. In Italian is Fiorenza. Did you know that?
[06:01]
Mrs. P
No.
[06:02]
Chris Gethard
Okay, well, we should be calling it Fiorenza.
[06:04]
Mrs. P
Oh, I'm sorry.
[06:04]
Chris Gethard
All right. Because I don't know why we do that in America. We change other places names. Like Austria in German is actually Ooster Reich.
[06:11]
Mrs. P
Oh. Oh.
[06:12]
Chris Gethard
You know what I mean? Like there's a thing.
[06:13]
Mrs. P
I think Austria sounds a little gentler.
[06:15]
Chris Gethard
Well, German is actually. Germany is like Deutschland. You know what I mean? Like, there's all these different countries. Italy is Italia. You know, I think Turkey now wants to be called Turkey instead of just Turkey because people, we think sandwich. But like, in this case, anyway, she. I'm going to go ahead. I'm on Anna's side. Her big lie. Not that big. Her big lie is actually perfect.
[06:37]
Mrs. P
Yep.
[06:38]
Chris Gethard
If I were her, this is the difference I would have made, though. I would have. I would have just knock on.
[06:44]
Mrs. P
Oh, okay, that's a lie. Because you did.
[06:46]
Chris Gethard
Because I did go.
[06:48]
Mrs. P
So now she has taken her many train rides or whatever or. No, she's already in Florence.
[06:53]
Chris Gethard
So she.
[06:53]
Mrs. P
She got an Uber driver and then she.
[06:55]
Chris Gethard
To an Italian villa somewhere in the Tuscan.
[06:57]
Mrs. P
It's called Villa Tacola.
[06:59]
Chris Gethard
I'm just Telling you right now. Also, that Uber ride. Terrifying.
[07:02]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[07:03]
Chris Gethard
Driving through Italian hills and those windy roads, and those roads are not big enough. I just want to be clear to everyone. The road. The roads in Italy are not big enough.
[07:16]
Mrs. P
So she's having, like, polite conversation with her Uber driver, who's like, kind of flirting with her or whatever, and she's.
[07:23]
Chris Gethard
He's like, it's much nicer than I had. I had an old man who did not speak English, and I said, turn. I used Google Translate to be, can you turn up the air conditioning? And he interpreted that as, can you turn up the temperature and actually turn the heat on?
[07:38]
Mrs. P
So.
[07:38]
Chris Gethard
And that's when I gave up. I was like, it's just gonna get worse.
[07:41]
Mrs. P
It's not getting better.
[07:42]
Chris Gethard
It's gonna get worse.
[07:44]
Mrs. P
So he. She's like, I'm going to Villa Tacola. And the Uber driver gets really weird, and he's like, are you sure? Like, I can turn around. Like, we can take you to a hotel. Why do you want to go there?
[07:58]
Chris Gethard
Why is she telling him? Why didn't she just put in an address and then choose? No conversation.
[08:02]
Mrs. P
I listen.
[08:03]
Chris Gethard
That's a choice in Uber.
[08:04]
Mrs. P
Now, is it a choice in Italy, though?
[08:06]
Chris Gethard
Yes.
[08:06]
Mrs. P
Oh, okay.
[08:07]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. No, when you. When you use Uber, no matter what country you're in, you can choose how you want. I want the car to be cold. I want it to be quiet.
[08:15]
Mrs. P
Okay.
[08:16]
Chris Gethard
I want.
[08:17]
Mrs. P
These were none of your experiences, though.
[08:19]
Chris Gethard
No. Because I didn't have an Uber. I. We had a car service.
[08:22]
Mrs. P
Oh.
[08:22]
Chris Gethard
And it was an old man.
[08:25]
Mrs. P
So they get to the villa after he suggests that she stay anywhere else. And there's two big SUV rentals parked out front of the iron gates, letting her know that the gang was all there.
[08:39]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[08:39]
Mrs. P
Yep.
[08:40]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[08:41]
Mrs. P
So she steps into the villa, and she's looking around at, like, Almost like, this ain't these ancient ruins of it, because it's so old. And it's. It's kept up pretty well, but it's not in the best condition. There's probably villas that are kept in better condition, obviously. Outstanding. But the one thing is, the vibes are weird. She immediately feels it in her skin. She's like, the vibes here are weird.
[09:06]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. Why are there bidets next to the toilet?
[09:08]
Mrs. P
You gotta scoot. You gotta do a little.
[09:09]
Chris Gethard
I don't like doing this.
[09:10]
Mrs. P
Yeah, do a scoop.
[09:11]
Chris Gethard
Give me an attachment.
[09:13]
Mrs. P
So she starts going through the house. She's, like, looking around, and there's, like, a big tower on the side of the house, right. And she hears her nieces running around and giggling and she's like, in her mind, she's like, honestly, at my age, I would absolutely go get the bedroom in the tower for like little kids. That'd be so fun.
[09:27]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. Yeah.
[09:27]
Mrs. P
So she's like, that's cool. But she's still walking around and she finds the nearest bedroom.
[09:31]
Chris Gethard
I have a question.
[09:32]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[09:33]
Chris Gethard
What type of tower princess would you be? Would you be a Rapunzel?
[09:37]
Mrs. P
No.
[09:37]
Chris Gethard
Or what type of. What type would. If you were a princess in a tower? What type of PR. Tower princess?
[09:41]
Mrs. P
The Leave me alone princess. Sleeping Beauty.
[09:44]
Chris Gethard
Oh, yeah.
[09:44]
Mrs. P
I'm taking a nap and if you wake me up with a kiss, punch in the nose. Let me be.
[09:49]
Chris Gethard
You know, funny story about Sleeping Beauty.
[09:51]
Mrs. P
Nope, don't want to. I don't want to hear the funny story about.
[09:53]
Chris Gethard
So she went to sleep because of a little prick.
[09:56]
Mrs. P
A little prick woke her up. So what was I saying before we said that? So she's looking around for the nearest bedroom, which she's gonna plop in, and she finds one that's empty, which she describes in detail as bare, pristine, minuscule, with a single bed crammed against a sloping wall. An iron framed bed.
[10:18]
Chris Gethard
Yep.
[10:18]
Mrs. P
Made of what, rocks? Is that what you described it?
[10:21]
Chris Gethard
A box of rocks? Yep. And it's like a monastery bed. Yeah, I can picture it.
[10:26]
Mrs. P
I know I can.
[10:27]
Chris Gethard
I can experience it. My back just twinge.
[10:31]
Mrs. P
So as she's like putting her bags down, she hears doors closing and opening. And she's like, everybody's getting settled in. She drops off her bags and walks outside to the pool where she sees her mom and dad and sister, her brother in law and two nieces. Everybody's in the pool area. The kids are swimming in the pool.
[10:48]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[10:50]
Mrs. P
And she's like, where is Benny? Also, I do need to say everybody, like, doesn't even pay attention to her when she walks in. Like she opens the gate to the pool area, she's like, hey, guys, I'm here. And nobody turns around to say hi. Nobody acknowledges her presence.
[11:03]
Chris Gethard
Well, I mean, she was problematic before she even got there. She lied to everyone.
[11:07]
Mrs. P
And they don't know that.
[11:08]
Chris Gethard
They know it. They don't Bones. They know they.
[11:10]
Mrs. P
But they know it in their bones.
[11:12]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[11:12]
Mrs. P
So she's like. She kisses everybody on the cheek. She said, hi, guys. And she's like, where's Benny and the new boyfriend? And they're like, oh, they went to Pisa. Christopher insisted they go. And so Christopher's the boyfriend.
[11:25]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[11:25]
Mrs. P
It's important that we call him Christopher. He doesn't like being called Chris.
[11:28]
Chris Gethard
He doesn't like to be called Chris.
[11:29]
Mrs. P
Okay, fine.
[11:30]
Chris Gethard
Okay. I'm gonna call him Topher.
[11:31]
Mrs. P
Whoa. So this is the thing I'm gonna say. I wanna. I wanna give a short little summary about the. The book. Overall, this book was really atmospheric. Right. Like, the way it's written, I can. You could really conceptualize the ooky spookies of a decrepit Italian villa. And it's like, it. It's real. The ambiance is there. This book, to me, and this is just my opinion, is everything that the Hacienda wanted to be. Right. Because, remember, I read the Hacienda, which is a different story Report episode a few months back, and I was frustrated because it was so much building of atmosphere. But then we did. We lost a lot of the ooky spooks.
[12:17]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[12:17]
Mrs. P
This book really managed it well. She was. In her description, she really nailed we are in a haunted villa. Not to give it away. Right. And so, like, she really painted the picture in your mind of the warm sun, but the feelings of bad vibes and ooky spookies. That being said, 50% of this book, of this, like. Because it's a horror book, right? It's got the ooky spooky scary lady cover. Yeah. The horror of this book is family drama for most of the book.
[12:48]
Chris Gethard
Oh, really?
[12:48]
Mrs. P
For most of the book, I would say a little over 50%. It is just this interpersonal politics of a family on vacation together. And it is the true horror of the story.
[12:59]
Chris Gethard
So it's. So let's go ahead and. I'm gonna go ahead and go out on a limb here.
[13:02]
Mrs. P
Okay.
[13:02]
Chris Gethard
Italian Meet the Fockers Haunted Mansion. Does that feel accurate?
[13:08]
Mrs. P
I don't think I've ever seen Meet the Fockers.
[13:09]
Chris Gethard
You never see Meet the Fockers?
[13:11]
Mrs. P
I don't think so.
[13:11]
Chris Gethard
No. You've never seen. Not once?
[13:13]
Mrs. P
I don't think so.
[13:13]
Chris Gethard
What was the movie? Because Meet the Fockers is the other version. That's like.
[13:18]
Mrs. P
I know. It's a Ben Stiller movie.
[13:19]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, it's a Ben Stiller movie.
[13:20]
Mrs. P
The situation here is that Ben Stiller, he is adjacent to Adam Sandler in my mind. And so I didn't really watch Ben Stiller movies. Except for the one where he's a model. I like that one.
[13:33]
Chris Gethard
Got it.
[13:35]
Mrs. P
What are you looking at?
[13:36]
Chris Gethard
I was looking on Meet the Fockers because it's from Meet the Parents.
[13:40]
Mrs. P
Oh, okay.
[13:40]
Chris Gethard
That's the movie, like, because I was trying to Remember, like, what's the. You know, like, guess who's coming to dinner? Or one of those type of things. So it's a family drama with ghosts.
[13:49]
Mrs. P
Yep.
[13:50]
Chris Gethard
In an Italian. In an unnecessary Italian villa.
[13:52]
Mrs. P
What are you talking about? They're on a family vacation.
[13:54]
Chris Gethard
I'm always gonna say if you're in an Italian villa, you're already being unnecessary. But that's just. That's just from personal experience.
[14:02]
Mrs. P
So here's what I want to do. I want to introduce you to the cast of characters real quick. Okay, so we have Anna.
[14:08]
Chris Gethard
Okay? Anna, who is right and who's right.
[14:10]
Mrs. P
She is the black sheep of her family. Always. She's always, quote, getting in trouble, disappointing people. She's brash. She does what she wants with her life. She doesn't care what people think. She's popular on Tik Tok, which her family seems to be jealous of, but only they. They like. It's like they're jealous of her, but they only communicate their jealousy as disappointment. That's the way it feels very much. Okay.
[14:36]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[14:36]
Mrs. P
I pictured her the way she's described in the book is like being slender with darker features, beautiful, long red hair. No, she. I think she has, like, brown hair. I pictured her as Kristen Stewart. Not Twilight. Kristen Stewart.
[14:50]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[14:51]
Mrs. P
But like, fully grown Kristen Stewart.
[14:55]
Chris Gethard
Kristen Stewart from the. The Lesbian Christmas rom com.
[14:58]
Mrs. P
Yes.
[14:58]
Chris Gethard
Except without blonde hair. She has blonde hair.
[15:00]
Mrs. P
Not. Not blonde hair there. But that is her energy.
[15:02]
Chris Gethard
Yes.
[15:03]
Mrs. P
Because in this book, she's, like, very bisexual.
[15:05]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[15:06]
Mrs. P
And she has. That's just her energy. Right.
[15:09]
Chris Gethard
Which, by the way, that Kristen Stewart, the Lesbian Christmas rom com.
[15:12]
Mrs. P
Yeah. She should have left that girl for Aubrey Plaza.
[15:15]
Chris Gethard
She. Number one.
[15:15]
Mrs. P
Number one. That story should add a different movie.
[15:18]
Chris Gethard
But also, that's the happiest I've ever seen Kristen Stewart.
[15:21]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[15:21]
Chris Gethard
Everything else I've ever seen her in, she's always seemed, like, kind of miserable.
[15:25]
Mrs. P
Y. Well, I think Anne is also, through this book, kind of miserable.
[15:27]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[15:28]
Mrs. P
So that's like. That's why she gave me that vibe. She's kind of miserable, but people like it. They're like. A lot of people are attracted to her because she's like that quiet, silent misery. But she's, like, pretty. So they're like, I can change her.
[15:39]
Chris Gethard
She's a little goth, but not full.
[15:41]
Mrs. P
Exactly. That's Anna.
[15:43]
Chris Gethard
Okay, so you get the best of all worlds. You get a taste of goth, and you're like. And we can go, you know, listen to Britney Spears throwbacks.
[15:51]
Mrs. P
Okay, so Benny is her twin brother.
[15:53]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[15:53]
Mrs. P
Who is A sensitive pushover. And his boyfriend Christopher is really like a rude asshole. He's like finance bro. Right? He's like a finance bro from the gayborhood who's like, thinks he's super fancy and rich kind of, but he's like, not like, you know, like he's. He reads up on things. So he thinks he knows the best of everything. The best restaurants, the best this. But like he doesn't actually have the palette or the experience to know what he's talking about.
[16:20]
Chris Gethard
Gotcha.
[16:20]
Mrs. P
You know what I mean?
[16:21]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, I know what you mean.
[16:22]
Mrs. P
Okay. Nicole is her sister who is extremely jealous of Anna. And it's like through the whole book, it's seeping out of her skin. Like, Nicole is so frustrated with her own life and so jealous of Anna. And she also thinks that Anna has a thing for her husband, which she like definitely doesn't. But that adds another level to Nicole's like crazy. Like. Yeah, her crazy of it. Like she's like, she's so jealous of Anna's like, freewheeling lifestyle. She lives in New York City. She has like a decent job. She gets to do what she wants with her life.
[16:56]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. Yeah.
[16:56]
Mrs. P
And so like Nicole has two kids and this husband and she's just like really like bear down.
[17:01]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[17:02]
Mrs. P
Justin, the brother in law, who is.
[17:04]
Chris Gethard
At best Nicole's husband.
[17:05]
Mrs. P
Nicole's husband. Oblivious, bumbling. He's a non character really. He's literally only there to get yelled at by Nicole for like when she's like, we have to have dinner. And like, the girls will go like, dad, can we have ice cream? And like, yeah, let's get ice cream. It's fudgeing. We're in Italy. It's get gelato, I don't care. And Nicole's like, we gotta have dinner. Like he's literally there just to upset Nicole. And then somehow.
[17:27]
Chris Gethard
So Nicole's a type A personality who is. Who thinks that her marriage that she is unhappy in probably is still her entire personality.
[17:36]
Mrs. P
Yes.
[17:37]
Chris Gethard
She's afraid to lose that.
[17:38]
Mrs. P
Absolutely. That's where it is.
[17:39]
Chris Gethard
And Anna is just like, whatever, man. I.
[17:42]
Mrs. P
She absolutely does not think the husband is cute.
[17:44]
Chris Gethard
She's like, I vape sometimes.
[17:46]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[17:46]
Chris Gethard
Like that's just how V and I. I'm getting this vibe.
[17:49]
Mrs. P
Anna's chill and is chill. Yeah. Waverly and Mia are the two nieces.
[17:55]
Chris Gethard
I hate them already.
[17:56]
Mrs. P
I don't hate them. They're just children.
[17:58]
Chris Gethard
The wizards of Waverly Place.
[17:59]
Mrs. P
Waverly and Mia, named by Nicole and Justin.
[18:02]
Chris Gethard
Okay. Yeah, no, that's fine.
[18:04]
Mrs. P
That's not their fault.
[18:05]
Chris Gethard
It's. It is.
[18:06]
Mrs. P
No, it's not.
[18:07]
Chris Gethard
No, it is. I, I believe, I believe that children choose their names through their parents.
[18:12]
Mrs. P
They don' so I'm just telling you right now. So when our child was in my womb, that's how he told me.
[18:19]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[18:19]
Mrs. P
Yeah. Okay.
[18:20]
Chris Gethard
Emanated he said, you will name me Pearl, baby. I have a question. How old are Waverly and the other.
[18:26]
Mrs. P
One, I didn't write it down, but I feel like they're like seven and we're like ten and seven.
[18:31]
Chris Gethard
Okay, that's fine. I'll give it to him then. Because you can be Waverly until you're like 14. Then make up your new name.
[18:38]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[18:38]
Chris Gethard
All right. Waverly.
[18:39]
Mrs. P
Just wave is cool.
[18:41]
Chris Gethard
Wave. No.
[18:42]
Mrs. P
Wave.
[18:42]
Chris Gethard
No, I Surfing. No, that's just so fucking stupid. I'm.
[18:46]
Mrs. P
Oh, you know what? A girl. If okay, so if I was a little girl and my name was Waverly and then I become a teenager and I don't want to be called Waverly anymore, I'm going to go by Lee. L E E Lee. Because I love Waverly. Yeah. But I would just go by Lee. What's your name? Lee. Yeah, because I love to kill a mock Girls. No, I love girls that have boys names. There was when I was growing up, I went to school with a girl named Joe. Oh, so cool. You know, I was so jealous. Joe.
[19:13]
Chris Gethard
The reverse of that though is guys with girls names.
[19:17]
Mrs. P
Yeah. I have a guy, a friend named Courtney.
[19:18]
Chris Gethard
No, but Lindsay's. Oh, like Lindsey Graham.
[19:22]
Mrs. P
You know what? No, no, it's I, I know one guy named Courtney and he's cool. Yeah. Because it builds, it builds a bit of self esteem.
[19:31]
Chris Gethard
Oh, like a boy named Sue.
[19:32]
Mrs. P
Yeah, exactly.
[19:33]
Chris Gethard
I don't know, I just, I, let's go back to Waverly though.
[19:35]
Mrs. P
Okay. So Waverly.
[19:36]
Chris Gethard
Here's the one thing I can say.
[19:37]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[19:38]
Chris Gethard
That we have no Patreon listeners.
[19:40]
Mrs. P
We don't know that.
[19:41]
Chris Gethard
I'm gonna go out on a limb if you know, because Waverly is not.
[19:44]
Mrs. P
Not been join the Patreon to prove him wrong.
[19:46]
Chris Gethard
No. Okay. At the Fed tier because I don't want to say your name. I, I, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that. Nicole.
[19:53]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[19:54]
Chris Gethard
Disney Adult.
[19:56]
Mrs. P
Oh, you know what? Yeah.
[19:57]
Chris Gethard
Because again, the wizards of Waverly Place, I swear to God, she, there's no way she found the name Waverly.
[20:04]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[20:04]
Chris Gethard
From something that wasn't a Disney associated or I bet at the One of the girls was probably named Hermione and the Editor made her change it and that's how they ended up with Waverly. I don't know. I'm just. I have a feeling.
[20:19]
Mrs. P
So. Okay. Waverly and Mia, two nieces. There's mom and dad.
[20:26]
Chris Gethard
And that's just their name.
[20:27]
Mrs. P
No. Yeah, they literally. They have names, but they never use them in the book. Mom and dad. The mom and dad throughout the book are very much the Ratliff parents from White Lotus, but from Ohio.
[20:40]
Chris Gethard
Got it. Got it. So instead of having anything interesting about them, they're really into just being like, we love buckeye football.
[20:47]
Mrs. P
Yeah. They're just. Yeah. And larae is a Pam.
[20:49]
Chris Gethard
And they don't even have an accent. No, they don't have a cutesy accent. No, they are just.
[20:53]
Mrs. P
She just says lorazepam.
[20:55]
Chris Gethard
She's. I will have a lorazepam. Where is my Larazepam? And then he's just like, I own a tire.
[21:02]
Mrs. P
But like the way that the dad is in that thing where he's like, wants all of his kids to be hyper successful but doesn't say anything and it's just generally disappointed in them.
[21:10]
Chris Gethard
Yay.
[21:10]
Mrs. P
That's the dad.
[21:11]
Chris Gethard
Like an American dad.
[21:12]
Mrs. P
Yeah, Just American dad.
[21:13]
Chris Gethard
Good morning, usa.
[21:15]
Mrs. P
No, no. Oh, my God. So we. Okay, I'm going to skip ahead a bit. Okay. Quite a few chapters. Is a lot of family fighting. A lot of. We find out a lot of history. But it's also passive aggressive. Oh, it drove me nuts. You know, I hate passive aggressive. It's. It gross. It made my skin crawl more than most horror books make my skin crawl. Having to read. Passive aggressive behavior.
[21:40]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[21:40]
Mrs. P
I was like, this is horrifying. I'm not gonna sleep tonight.
[21:44]
Chris Gethard
Just say directly what you want.
[21:45]
Mrs. P
Just say what you want to fucking.
[21:46]
Chris Gethard
Say what you want.
[21:47]
Mrs. P
Just say what you want to fucking say.
[21:48]
Chris Gethard
Would you be direct, Nicole? Why are you. I know it's Nicole.
[21:52]
Mrs. P
It's definitely Nicole.
[21:53]
Chris Gethard
It's definitely.
[21:53]
Mrs. P
And it's Benny too. Because Benny is like, he wants to say something, but he's actually so weak willed and has no spine. So he doesn't really say what he means.
[22:00]
Chris Gethard
Why Topher is such a bully. Oh, I'm going to just keep calling him Topher.
[22:05]
Mrs. P
It's so hard for me. So it's passive aggressive. But what keeps happening is that because they're also passive aggressive, it bubbles over to the surface at like, it's like it builds, it builds, it builds. And then somebody bursts like a balloon. Every like chapter one person fucking bursts like a balloon. You know what I Mean, and then everyone just like, leaves the room awkwardly or like, changes the topic. Like a fucking Downton Abbey. Not to make this the Downton Abbey.
[22:33]
Chris Gethard
No. But real quick, real quick, because I'm going to do a little aside on this because we just watched six seasons in a movie of Downton Abbey.
[22:41]
Mrs. P
We fucking did it. We missed one. We did it.
[22:43]
Chris Gethard
We. After we watched. We watched Downton Abbey. The new age.
[22:46]
Mrs. P
New.
[22:47]
Chris Gethard
And then. Yeah. The new era. And then discovered that there was Downton Abbey 2019 movie that we didn't see that actually doesn't fucking matter in the canon. Does not matter. Is not important. There's one line in the second Downton Abbey movie that references the first Downton Abbey movie. Did not even realize we didn't see it, but Downton Abbey, the character superpowers.
[23:11]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[23:11]
Chris Gethard
Is something awkward happens at dinner. Someone stands up and goes, and I hate you. I hate the fact that the driver is. Is in this family and that he's Irish and I don't like Catholics. And then someone goes, well, shooting tomorrow will begin at 10am Anyone like to.
[23:25]
Mrs. P
Go for a walk in the morning?
[23:26]
Chris Gethard
Oh, I. I heard that the moors by the meadows are quite nice this year. In the Waverly. I looked up Waverly, by the way. It's a. It's a thing.
[23:35]
Mrs. P
Okay.
[23:35]
Chris Gethard
It's a thing. It is a. It means, like, meadow.
[23:39]
Mrs. P
Oh, okay, cool. We can go for a walk in the Waverly.
[23:41]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[23:42]
Mrs. P
So, okay. Everyone's just fighting. There's in fighting. There's backstories to all the fighting. You know what I mean? It's a family. The one thing that like. Okay, so things are happening around the house at all times. It's. Doors are closing. People hear, like, giggling, and they're like, is that the girls? But then they look over and the girls are downstairs or something. Right? Doors are opening and closing, footsteps on the stairs. People are just like. There's, like, things happening. But Anna's the only one that's like, wait, what? Like, this is weird, right?
[24:13]
Chris Gethard
You know, Mrs. P, there are things happening and Anna's hearing them, but there's also things happening that are sponsors of this podcast. And we will hear from them. And then we'll hear more from the giggles in the attic and from the slamming doors in the background. And we'll learn more about why Nicole. It's probably all Nicole's fault right after this.
[24:34]
Ryan Reynolds
Unlike what you're listening to, T Mobile's coverage is no joke, because T Mobile helps keep you connected from the heart of Portland to right where you are on America's largest 5G network switch now. Keep your phone and T Mobile will pay it off up to $800 per line via prepaid card. Visit your local T Mobile location or learn more@t mobile.com KeepAndSwitch up to 4 lines via virtual prepaid card. Allow 15 days qualifying unlock device, credit service report in 90 days device and eligible carrier and timely redemption required. Card is no cash access and expires in six months. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile.
[25:06]
Chris Gethard
I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying.
[25:13]
Ryan Reynolds
It's not just for celebrities.
[25:14]
Chris Gethard
So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to do@mintmobile.com.
[25:22]
Mrs. P
Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate, first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra fee, full terms@mintmobile.com hi.
[25:35]
Chris Gethard
I'm Chris Gethard and I'm very excited to tell you about Beautiful Anonymous, a podcast where I talk to random people on the phone. I tweet out a phone number. Thousands of people try to call. Talk to one of them. They stay anonymous. I can't hang up. That's all the rules. I never know what's gonna happen.
[25:49]
Mrs. P
We get serious ones.
[25:50]
Chris Gethard
I've talked with meth dealers on their way to prison. I've talked to people who survived mass shootings, crazy funny ones.
[25:55]
Mrs. P
I talked to a guy with a.
[25:56]
Chris Gethard
Goose slap, somebody who dresses up as a pirate on the weekends. I never know what's gonna happen. It's a great show. Subscribe today.
[26:03]
Mrs. P
Beautiful Anonymous.
[26:12]
Chris Gethard
And we're back. It's. It's fun to hit the buttons again.
[26:15]
Mrs. P
I look at you in charge of the buttons.
[26:16]
Chris Gethard
I like my little buttons.
[26:18]
Mrs. P
So, okay, vibes are weird at the house. Things are happening. Ooky spooks. The one other thing that keeps happening is if they like eat breakfast or whatever when they come home, all the food has rotten. Like food has no shelf life in this house. Everything rots. So there's always like flies around and like if they like have like a plate of fruit that they put out on like the kitchen island because like I'll have a bowl of fruit for the kitchen island. It like rots within an hour and nobody, everybody's like, Anna's like, that's weird. And then the mom and dad like it's just because it's so fresh. Because we're in Italy.
[26:51]
Chris Gethard
Can I tell you something? When I was in Italy.
[26:54]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[26:54]
Chris Gethard
When I got to the villa.
[26:55]
Mrs. P
Yeah, Right.
[26:56]
Chris Gethard
A whole fam's there. They got a plate. They like, they just had like all these big baskets of stuff. Yeah. It could be like we made a basket of snacks. I'm like, that's weird. I don't know. It's just a weird.
[27:04]
Mrs. P
I love a basket of.
[27:06]
Chris Gethard
Big basket of snacks. But then they had all this fruit and every time I got it opened up a bag of fruit, there was always a rotted fruit inside the bag. Like one of them. Every other. Every other orange would be perfect. But then there was one that was like green and.
[27:20]
Mrs. P
What the.
[27:20]
Chris Gethard
And it was like, like fuzzy green. And so I'm just telling you right now, everyone in this situation is correct. Everyone in this situation is completely correct. Also, I want to know more about the slamming doors. Cuz I guarantee you it's because the door latches in an Italian villa are insane. I. This is weird that I can speak from personal experience.
[27:43]
Mrs. P
So we find out some backstory about Anna because she tells her. Her brother Benny. Her. Benny's like, what happened with you and your boyfriend? Like, she had like a long term boyfriend. I feel like his name's Josh, which.
[27:52]
Chris Gethard
Is like, josh, Anna, you could do better than me.
[27:55]
Mrs. P
Josh. So cool. You seem so cool. And you found a Josh in New York. Come on.
[28:01]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. So did he take you to Restoration Hardware on a date?
[28:05]
Mrs. P
Oh, wow.
[28:06]
Chris Gethard
Remember that guy?
[28:07]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[28:07]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[28:08]
Mrs. P
So he's. She's like, what's. He's like, what's going on? And Anna tells him that she had broken up with Josh because while they were together she had gotten pregnant and she went and had an abortion. And he got really pissed off and broke up with her. And she confides this into Benny. She is very like, do not tell anyone. I am only telling you because you are my twin brother. Right. He literally goes and tells Nicole what. And like a chapter or two later, Nicole, like, like, she like comes into the room, but she's like crying and she's like, I can't believe you did that. And like, makes it all about herself because apparently Nicole, like, had struggled with infertility and it took, I think maybe IVF to have the. The nieces. And like, so she just makes this whole thing about her. You get.
[28:59]
Chris Gethard
Everything just gets handed to you and.
[29:01]
Mrs. P
You just throw it away. And it's like all my dreams feel so up.
[29:06]
Chris Gethard
I was like, nicole, it's very Edith coded.
[29:09]
Mrs. P
Okay. To bring it back to a Downton Abbey podcast.
[29:12]
Chris Gethard
Oh, yeah. Are they okay? Let's see. They're in a giant villa. It's a family that clearly hates each other, where divorce would make everyone happier.
[29:20]
Mrs. P
Nicole is a goddamn bitch. Like Mary. Yeah, sorry, I need a sip of coffee. So it's super gross. Like, I disliked Nicole the whole book already. But then when this happened, I was like, nicole, that's so fucked up.
[29:33]
Chris Gethard
Don't weaponize somebody's abortion.
[29:36]
Mrs. P
Nicole.
[29:37]
Chris Gethard
But also, then she would have had a baby with Josh.
[29:39]
Mrs. P
Yeah. No, come on.
[29:41]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[29:42]
Mrs. P
Beaver response. Like, an Anna's not a responsible adult. No, she's a little party kid.
[29:46]
Chris Gethard
How old is Anna? Do we know?
[29:47]
Mrs. P
I think she's in, like, her mid-20s.
[29:49]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[29:50]
Mrs. P
I think it's like a 28 is what it feels like. I don't remember. Okay, so while all this is happening, weird things. More footsteps. Door slamming. Ba, ba, ba. Scratching noises start coming from the tower door. Oh, I forgot to tell you about the tower door. So remember how I was like, the girls are up in the tower. There's a bedroom up there.
[30:08]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[30:09]
Mrs. P
They're not. The tower door is locked. And they were given specific instructions by the caretaker to not go up there. They're, like, not safe. Don't go up there.
[30:17]
Chris Gethard
But did he say, like, a creepy old Italian?
[30:19]
Mrs. P
Yes. He was like, don't go up there.
[30:20]
Chris Gethard
No, that's not how he said it. He said, don't go up there. Up there is a devil in the tower.
[30:29]
Mrs. P
Oh, no. So there we hear scratching from inside the tower, and Anna assumes there's, like. There's a lot of cats running around. Is that. Was that in your experience? There's, like, cats running around? Wild cats.
[30:40]
Chris Gethard
That's more of a. That's more like a Rome thing.
[30:43]
Mrs. P
Anyway, there's cats running around this villa.
[30:45]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[30:46]
Mrs. P
And she just assumes that a cat got in there somehow.
[30:48]
Chris Gethard
Cat colony.
[30:49]
Mrs. P
And so she's like, there must be scratching and throwing cats.
[30:52]
Chris Gethard
You would know if a cat was in there.
[30:53]
Mrs. P
There. That's what I'm saying.
[30:54]
Chris Gethard
When you hear cats fighting in an alleyway, it's the most horrifying thing you've ever heard in your life.
[30:59]
Mrs. P
So the tower is locked. The girls were never up there, by the way. I think that's like a ookie spook moment.
[31:04]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[31:05]
Mrs. P
Girls were never up there.
[31:06]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[31:07]
Mrs. P
The next day, whatever. In the chapter, they go to a vineyard for a wine tasting day.
[31:15]
Chris Gethard
Okay. I'm gonna leave out why that's funny.
[31:18]
Mrs. P
Everyone got Drunk. Okay. So everybody gets drunk or whatever. Actually, it's not like everybody. I think it's just Benny, Anna and Christopher go and they go in the morning, like 9:00am, 10:00am they're like, this is what we're doing.
[31:31]
Chris Gethard
Have to do.
[31:32]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[31:32]
Chris Gethard
You have to make it like an all day. I'm not a wine one. I'm not a wine person, but I'm definitely not a vineyard person.
[31:37]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[31:37]
Chris Gethard
And I don't understand it. I. Same thing with, like, I. But also, I wouldn't take a factory tour.
[31:44]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[31:44]
Chris Gethard
Like, I'm not gonna go to like a bottling plant factory tour for a beer either.
[31:48]
Mrs. P
I've been to so many factory tours. I love a factory tour.
[31:50]
Chris Gethard
No, no, but.
[31:51]
Mrs. P
Ok. Been to the Jean. I've been to the Jim Beam factory. I've been to the Jack Daniels factory. Was it Jim Beam or Jack Daniels? One of them is actually in a dry town. I think it's Jim Beam. You can't drink there, so they'll like give you. You can buy liquor, but you have to like walk over county lines and they have like park benches and you can drink there. It's very specific.
[32:11]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[32:12]
Mrs. P
And then I also. I've been on the Ben and Jerry's factory tour multiple times.
[32:16]
Chris Gethard
Okay. I love. I said alcohol. You're like Ben and Jerry.
[32:18]
Mrs. P
I'm just saying the factory tours I've been on. Yeah. And the Ben and Jerry's. The first time I went, you go and they have like sample spoons. Like when you're at a gelato place and they give you that little spoon. So the next time I went, I brought my own tablespoon, but like a mixing spoon. I was like, I'm going to ice cream thing. I'm testing some ice cream. And they were like, we appreciate that you showed up prepared for your second time.
[32:39]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[32:39]
Mrs. P
Other cool thing about the Ben and Jerry factory tour is it's right at the factory is like right at the end of the Appalachian Trail. So, like, you. There's like a setup there. Like, if you're one of the people that hikes the whole trail, you can stop at the Ben and Jerry factory. And they have showers and, like, places for you to rest and get changed and like a meal. Yeah. If I remember that correctly, it was in a time when I was still going to Jim Beam factories.
[33:03]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. Yeah. But I imagine.
[33:06]
Mrs. P
Or I just saw grizzly men walking out of the woods.
[33:09]
Chris Gethard
That's what I mean. Like, you're just like in Vermont, you're just like sitting at a bench that and Jerry's. And a grizzled man comes walking out of the woods. Just been like, I've been in there for four months.
[33:20]
Mrs. P
I'm like.
[33:21]
Chris Gethard
And he just walks right in to go take a shower next to the. Next to the vat that makes Cherry Garcia.
[33:27]
Mrs. P
That feels like my memory.
[33:29]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, that feels.
[33:29]
Mrs. P
Anyway, I've been to a lot of factory tour.
[33:31]
Chris Gethard
There's one factory you haven't been to.
[33:33]
Mrs. P
What's that?
[33:33]
Chris Gethard
Which was I tried to get for our wedding, actually, as a wedding gift.
[33:37]
Mrs. P
I know what this is.
[33:37]
Chris Gethard
There was. You really like seltzer, and you were really drinking a lot of vintage seltzer at the time. And there was a vintage seltzer bottling plant that I knew about, and I emailed them repeatedly, begging, being like, do you guys. I. I know this is going to sound insane. I feel like you're not a factory tour people, but. However, if my wife could come in and just, like, see how it's made.
[34:02]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[34:02]
Chris Gethard
And we'll take a couple pictures and we'll just post it on Facebook and be like, oh, my God, vintage. And it was like, right as vintage was really starting to blow up.
[34:08]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[34:09]
Chris Gethard
And you really were like, you really like them. You love their flavors. You loved everything about them. And then they just completely lost.
[34:17]
Mrs. P
They lost the bed.
[34:18]
Chris Gethard
They shit the bed. They lost the entire seltzer market.
[34:20]
Mrs. P
It's crazy, because it was like, right when seltzer was becoming really popular. Like, lacroix was like Pamplemoose, had its own, like, stickers and T shirts, and everybody was getting on the seltzer bandwagon. Because it was like, kind of right before alcoholic seltzers came out.
[34:34]
Chris Gethard
Yep.
[34:35]
Mrs. P
It was just.
[34:35]
Chris Gethard
It was right when the soda tax in Philly was taking off. But it was like before seltzers were everywhere. Before everything was seltzer.
[34:41]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[34:41]
Chris Gethard
And it was literally. You had vintage lacroix.
[34:44]
Mrs. P
Yep.
[34:44]
Chris Gethard
And you had Polar.
[34:46]
Mrs. P
Don't like polar.
[34:47]
Chris Gethard
I know, but that. I'm saying. But like, those were like, the three that every grocery store.
[34:50]
Mrs. P
The thing I liked about vintage was I had so many bubbles, like, it burned your nose and throat. And I was so into it. But they. Something happened. I'm going to assume private equity. Something went wrong, and they don't can it anymore. It doesn't come in cans. You can only buy it in, like, the liter bottles, which is. Look. No, it needs to be in a can.
[35:05]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[35:06]
Mrs. P
And so, yeah. During the giant seltzer explosion, vintage was the one I love the most. Not only did they not let me come to a factory tour.
[35:14]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[35:15]
Mrs. P
Which we would have paid for.
[35:16]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[35:17]
Mrs. P
They stopped canning seltzer.
[35:19]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[35:19]
Mrs. P
Crazy.
[35:20]
Chris Gethard
And you know who I'm going to blame for that? Nicole.
[35:23]
Mrs. P
So they go to this vineyard, they get a little drunk. Christopher is super rude and he's being a bitch, right? And there he's being like that past aggressive, ruder. He's like being in this conversation and being like. And he says to Anna, he's like, I can't wait to see the train wreck. And he's like, Benny says it's a 50, 50 shot. And Anna gets immediately pissed off because she gets blamed a lot for train wreck behavior. In quotes. So basically Christopher tells her basically that Benny has told him all about things that she's done in the past. Stories about her train wreck behavior every family vacation or how she's messed up things gloriously over and over again. And he's so excited. Like, this is his drama. He can't wait to see how she fucks up this family.
[36:13]
Chris Gethard
I can't wait for the train wreck. He's saying, I want. I can't wait to see how you Brita this.
[36:17]
Mrs. P
Yes.
[36:18]
Chris Gethard
He's like, you're going to Brita this. He's like, she's like, what?
[36:21]
Mrs. P
And then she's like, what do you mean? You call it Britain. Yeah, yeah. So that's what happens. But she's pissed because a lot of it is she gets blamed for train wreck behavior. That's little. Sometimes not her fault. Sometimes it's her fault because she's in these stories like 20. But some of it is like they're just really being rude.
[36:37]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[36:39]
Mrs. P
On one of the past family vacations, like 12 years ago again. 12 years ago when she was probably a child. Yeah, she was. Well, like she was like 20.
[36:48]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah.
[36:49]
Mrs. P
She slept with the bartender. Like they had like gone out to like a family dinner wherever they were, and she was flirting with the bartender. And then when they all went back to wherever they were staying, she went back to the bar, restaurant, met up with the bartender. I'm pretty sure it was a hot lady. And she spent the night with her. And then the family couldn't find her in the early, early morning and assumed she was missing and called the police. And when she showed up at like 9am they were like, oh, you've ruined the family vacation. Everybody's pissed. The cops are pissed. And it's like, guys, all she do is sleep with a bartender.
[37:31]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, yeah. That should be looked back As a joke.
[37:34]
Mrs. P
Now that's a joke.
[37:36]
Chris Gethard
That's the thing is like in the moment. I understand for maybe for like two months afterwards.
[37:40]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[37:40]
Chris Gethard
But once you're at like two years out from that story. That's a funny story.
[37:43]
Mrs. P
We're over a decade. That's a funny antidote.
[37:46]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, yeah.
[37:47]
Mrs. P
It's not something you'd be like holding over someone's head is the way they always ruin stuff. Like. I'm sorry, what did she ruin?
[37:53]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[37:54]
Mrs. P
Anyway, Christopher being a.
[37:59]
Chris Gethard
If it was over a decade ago, you're putting her in almost her 30s. Unless 18 when that's happened.
[38:05]
Mrs. P
Okay, maybe.
[38:06]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, that's the thing.
[38:07]
Mrs. P
It's like she was 18, she's 18.
[38:10]
Chris Gethard
But if it's. Then she's. You said it's 12 years ago.
[38:12]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[38:13]
Chris Gethard
Let's do some math. That makes her 30 on the dot right now.
[38:15]
Mrs. P
Or a little more, let's say 30.
[38:17]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[38:17]
Mrs. P
So Christopher being the VIP that he is. Cuz they're at this vineyard, he likes one of the wines. He's a real dick about the wines he doesn't like. He calls like girly wines and baby wines. But the one he likes, he buys an entire case of. To take back to the villa. So he's a. But also, guess what, he's a super big. And he makes it clear to everybody that those wines are only for him and Benny.
[38:39]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[38:40]
Mrs. P
Which is like such a. If you're gonna buy cases of wine to bring back to the villa, like.
[38:44]
Chris Gethard
How many bottles are in a case?
[38:46]
Mrs. P
It would be like about 12, depending on the size of the wooden box. Yeah, it depends. Yeah, but still, like you're on a family vacation, but how long are you gonna be there?
[38:55]
Chris Gethard
If you drink 12 bottles of wine.
[38:57]
Mrs. P
And then it's like again, you answer the question, you're on a family vacation. Yeah, I would. I never really drank wine. Gave me indigestion. I think I'm allergic to tannins. But like there is no way.
[39:08]
Chris Gethard
No, I know, that's what I'm saying. It's like maybe like, okay, if you put down. You'd have to. Both of you would have to be putting that back. Two bottles a night, basically.
[39:15]
Mrs. P
Well, that's a lot. I'm. I feel like listeners are going to be nodding, going with my family bet.
[39:21]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. I don't know. I know, I know. You know, I don't drink like that anymore. So it's one of those things where.
[39:28]
Mrs. P
So this.
[39:29]
Chris Gethard
Because you don't drink. I don't really drink that much anymore. And like when I. If I get like really, really lit. I don't like to even be around you. Cuz it's weird. It's weird when you get like. It's weird when I it to be hammered and then get in bed with someone who's stone cold sober. Like, I just feel bad.
[39:44]
Mrs. P
Yeah, cuz you're a. I just feel bad.
[39:46]
Chris Gethard
And I'm like, I should be in a different house. Yeah, I should go away. Like I should get hammered in the woods like a werewolf.
[39:55]
Mrs. P
And then you're like, you do like to pee outside.
[39:58]
Chris Gethard
I do. So.
[40:01]
Mrs. P
At this point also they go back to the house. Anna's having crazy nightmares, right? Every night she goes to sleep on the really comfortable bed. That's super comfortable. Jesus Christ. She's having really graphic nightmares that are like a handsome young man standing at the window of her room. But then he turns around, there's like blood coming out of his mouth. And she's like in one of her dreams, she likes walks over to the window and she looks down at the pool and she sees dead bodies floating in the pool. And like just stuff like that.
[40:34]
Chris Gethard
And then like does she have a nightmare that she gets held by Ice in detention at custom Border patrol as she tries to re enter Donald Trump's America.
[40:42]
Mrs. P
No, this book was not written. Let me see. Oh God. I didn't look. What date was this was published? But I have a feeling that might be a very personal experience to you and Hassan Piker.
[40:54]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, no, I just, I'm just saying that's, that's when. That's what, that's what. That was my night.
[41:00]
Chris Gethard
Well actually she probably wrote it in 23.
[41:04]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[41:05]
Chris Gethard
And then shopped around some editors. So yeah, she was. This was, this is a Biden's America horror. Oh no.
[41:14]
Mrs. P
All right, so there's another family meal. Christopher's being a dick. And like at the family dinner we find out through Christopher's dick behavior in the conversation that Anna's super smart because he's like trying to be like, well I did this and I am like, I went to this school and like did you even go to college, Anna? Like he's really coming in hot all the time. Yeah, like every time there's a conversation where he's in front of Anna, he always comes in hot at Anna and it's so deeply uncomfortable. But I, as I was reading, I was like, I have been in this situation. I have sat at a table where somebody had a lot of preconceived resentments against Me that I had no idea about. And then every time they speak to me, they just say them at me. And I'm like, wait, what the fuck? Where's this coming from?
[42:00]
Chris Gethard
I am biting my tongue.
[42:02]
Mrs. P
Yeah. So anyway.
[42:05]
Chris Gethard
Oh, man. So, oh, man.
[42:07]
Mrs. P
He's being a big dick.
[42:09]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[42:09]
Mrs. P
And we find out that he makes bad pancakes. Oh, my God. So we find out that he's trying to belittle Anna's intelligence. And it comes out from Anna's dad that she's super smart because she actually got into Harvard and she went, but she never graduated. And the dad's like, his audible disappointment of like, yeah, she had super high sats. Yeah. I paid for her to go to Harvard. And if she. She could still freaking graduate if she wanted to. Just take the last couple of credits. Like, he's just so mad about it.
[42:39]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[42:41]
Mrs. P
Harvard is North Carolina in this.
[42:44]
Chris Gethard
Got it. Yeah. And again and again written. This is a Biden horror. So the Harvard ment here has nothing to do with anything going on right now.
[42:54]
Mrs. P
It's just they're like, oh, Harvard, a prestigious academy.
[42:56]
Chris Gethard
Oh, yeah. It has absolutely no problems whatsoever. And that is. That is a gatekeeper of the elite.
[43:02]
Mrs. P
Okay, yeah, okay. Sure, sure, sure, sure. So the next day or whatever, they go to the museum. They like a family trip to go to the museum or whatever.
[43:12]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[43:13]
Mrs. P
And while they're at this museum, the museum, it has a name.
[43:18]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[43:19]
Mrs. P
And I was about to say, I'm.
[43:21]
Chris Gethard
Like, there's a lot of museums.
[43:23]
Mrs. P
I'm doing so many. A summary of a book.
[43:26]
Chris Gethard
I know, I know.
[43:27]
Mrs. P
Okay.
[43:27]
Chris Gethard
It was a funny phrase.
[43:29]
Mrs. P
So they're at a museum. It's Italian museum. They're having a good time looking at pictures. They're at Italian artists.
[43:34]
Chris Gethard
They're at the gabacool. Where are you at? It's pronounced mutes az.
[43:42]
Mrs. P
So there's this one picture called the Woman of Florentine. And this. This picture in this museum looks like this woman that Anna keeps having, like, dreams about. There's just something really familiar about her. And one thing about her is she has piss yellow hair. Like, bright yellow hair. And it's like, it's. It's, I guess fashionable at the time, but it's really stark. Right, okay. And like, so this is a noticeable thing. Like, she. She like really looks at this picture. She's like writing it down. Also, I completely forgot to mention this. Anna's an artist, and graphic design is her passion.
[44:24]
Chris Gethard
I shut. I'm. I love Anna. So does she have a canva? Pro account.
[44:30]
Mrs. P
She's. You know what she does? She works in, like, advertising, basically. And the way that it's described is, like, I want you to picture, like, Mad Men, right? So, like, the marketing team gets together, and then she has a projector above them. They're meeting, and she draws while they talk to draw the advertisements, like, in time.
[44:53]
Chris Gethard
And so when they're brainstorming, she's literally.
[44:55]
Mrs. P
She's the person making the drawings so that they can kind of get their ideas together.
[45:00]
Chris Gethard
That's called Jazz, baby. She's doing jazz.
[45:02]
Mrs. P
She's doing jazz.
[45:03]
Chris Gethard
They're out there scatting, and she's the one putting it all together.
[45:05]
Mrs. P
Exactly.
[45:06]
Chris Gethard
Real quick, I looked. I tried to see if the Woman of the Florentine is an actual painting, and I Googled it really fast. And just to tell you how broken Google is, it said, do you mean Florence Pugh?
[45:16]
Mrs. P
I do mean Florence.
[45:18]
Chris Gethard
It's like, yeah, I mean, but that's not what I'm looking for whatsoever.
[45:22]
Mrs. P
I mean, I'm always looking for Florence. So that's what her job is. And that's important because she's an artist. And, like, while she did go to Harvard and all, she's an artist. And so when, during the whole story of the book, she's drawing a lot, she's in her spare time, she's drawing the beautiful scenes of Florence, like, stuff like that. And so when she's there, she's, like, writing notes in her little art book, and she starts writing down notes about the Woman of Florentine, right?
[45:50]
Chris Gethard
And she's getting inspired, like Jim Henson on his week. His. His six weeks in Europe.
[45:54]
Mrs. P
Exactly.
[45:55]
Chris Gethard
To call back to the Muppets episode.
[45:57]
Mrs. P
So Anna, Benny, and Christopher get drunk around, like, a bonfire kind of thing outside, like, a little patio area outside the villa at some point. And we find out that the caretaker had given the key to the tower when they arrived, but told them not to open the door. So, of course, what do they do? They're drunk. They decide to open the door.
[46:19]
Chris Gethard
Oh, wait, hold on, hold on.
[46:21]
Mrs. P
We actually. Do we have the button? I thought it was broken. That's not the button.
[46:24]
Chris Gethard
That's the wrong button.
[46:25]
Mrs. P
Listen, producer, you can't do this.
[46:27]
Chris Gethard
Okay, I'm sorry.
[46:28]
Mrs. P
So they open the tower and they go up the stairs, and it's. It's completely empty, and it's got incredibly bad vibes. Anna feels like there's, like, pressure, like, you know what I mean? Like, the air has been sucked out of the room, but that's pressure. And she's just like, this is gross. I don't like this. Benny is oblivious. But Christopher is very like, if this was my Airbnb, I would fit this out as a bedroom because like, it has the best view of the boba. And he's totally like being that guy about it because he's mad there's not a bedroom up there for. For him. Because he wanted the best room.
[47:02]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[47:03]
Mrs. P
But he's also being like, if I had an Airbnb. And I was like, bro, you have. Why would you want to have an airbnb?
[47:07]
Chris Gethard
Okay, exactly 100. Gross.
[47:09]
Mrs. P
Gross, Christopher, you're so unlikable. So blah. They open the door, they run out, they clock the door behind them. It. The bad vibes kind of chase them out.
[47:19]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[47:19]
Mrs. P
Not like nothing too crazy.
[47:21]
Chris Gethard
Well, they broke the seal.
[47:22]
Mrs. P
They broke. Literally. Yes.
[47:23]
Chris Gethard
Yes.
[47:24]
Mrs. P
Okay, so the family goes to a nice dinner out at a restaurant. Nicole picked it. Also. I forgot to say this. Nicole basically created a calendar spreadsheet of every day they were there and timelined out every activity they were gonna do. And I like, every night they're scheduled for a dinner at 5:30, whether that's at the villa or at a specific restaurant. But like museum tours, walking tours. Nicole has a plan and she is pissed when people don't adhere to her timelines.
[47:55]
Chris Gethard
I'm gonna tell you something right now. I don't like Nicole. I don't like Nicole. I. A very long time ago, I went on a trip with someone who is very type A personality.
[48:07]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[48:08]
Chris Gethard
And we thought it was gonna be. You and I were going on a trip. We thought it's gonna be a fun, relaxing trip. And then we, we flew to the destination and we got off the plane and then we met them in the terminal as we're waiting for a car. And this person who's very type A, who we don't really talk to anymore, handed us all an itinerary that included bathroom breaks. It was like a three day trip and it like had bad. And I looked at them dead in the face and I was like, I don't schedule my shits. They just happen. Like there is no. What are you talking about? And like, they looked at us like we were crazy.
[48:42]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[48:42]
Chris Gethard
And I'm like, this is supposed to. What do you mean? Like, it's one thing to be like, oh, you know, we have our. We have a six o' clock reservation over there. Over here. That's fine. Okay, sure, Fine. Whatever. But if, like we're eating at the house, we're eating at the house. Like, I don't. I'm not. That's just going to happen when we're hungry. Like, what are you talking about?
[48:55]
Mrs. P
We're going to girl dinner it up.
[48:57]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[48:57]
Mrs. P
Girl dinner is lifestyle.
[48:59]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[49:01]
Mrs. P
So it's a.
[49:02]
Chris Gethard
It's Italy. Everything is ham based.
[49:05]
Mrs. P
Oh, ham H. Yeah. That's Spanish. So they open the tower, break the seal, the family goes a nice dinner. And. Oh, this is the other thing I forgot. I'm really bad at this. Anna speaks Italian and nobody else does because again, it's how she speaks, like, a couple languages because she's so smart and everybody's a dick about it because.
[49:25]
Chris Gethard
Harvard has 7,000 international students until next week.
[49:30]
Mrs. P
So they rely on Anna.
[49:32]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[49:32]
Mrs. P
To translate while they go around, do stuff. But they're also really mean to her. But they're like, we need you here to translate. But also, we're not including you in conversations. We kind of resent you. We're kind of mean and passive aggressive the whole time.
[49:47]
Chris Gethard
So funny story is, like, you don't actually. Like, you do, but you don't.
[49:50]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[49:51]
Chris Gethard
It's one of those weird things, like, especially in a place like.
[49:53]
Mrs. P
Well, the thing is that they need her for. In these specific restaurant situations is that everybody's like, instead of being like, I'll take the pizza that's on the menu. Boom, Margarita.
[50:02]
Chris Gethard
They all want you. Substitution.
[50:03]
Mrs. P
Can we do it? Can we get it with, like, a pepperoni or does it come gluten free and blah, blah, blah. Like, they're all doing.
[50:08]
Chris Gethard
They're all doing substitutions.
[50:09]
Mrs. P
Specifically the mom.
[50:10]
Chris Gethard
They're all there. We. We need Anna here.
[50:11]
Mrs. P
So we need Anna. So we can do our substitution.
[50:14]
Chris Gethard
We can order off menu.
[50:15]
Mrs. P
Yes, that's very much it.
[50:17]
Chris Gethard
Oh, my God. Also, I'm also having a panic attack just because of how big the table is.
[50:21]
Mrs. P
It's a big table.
[50:22]
Chris Gethard
No, there's a thing with Mrs. P and I where if. If we are more than six people at a restaurant, because we both used to work in restaurants, we immediately get mad on behalf of the server. Number one. But number two, because it's like, we know the etiquette, which is especially if you have a table of eight plus.
[50:41]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[50:42]
Chris Gethard
Everyone needs to have their order ready. Yeah, everyone. At least your drink. At least have your drink order. Let's go ahead. And everybody at once. Get it done. And then when they bring the plates, because they're being run by people who do not know you, you have to.
[50:53]
Mrs. P
Remember what you ordered and actually pay.
[50:55]
Chris Gethard
Attention when they walk up and Go. Who had the lasagna? Who had the lasagna?
[50:59]
Mrs. P
Time to check your phone.
[51:00]
Chris Gethard
And this is not the time to fudgeing. Look around like they had the lasagna.
[51:03]
Mrs. P
Or, like, just stare at them like they know. And then they're like, no, I had the lasagna. When it gets handed to somebody else.
[51:08]
Chris Gethard
Yes. And then get mad at them, and it's like, why? Why is your reaction time. Shit. Oh, my God, you monsters.
[51:14]
Mrs. P
Or for. Or order what? You like, order something but not look at it. Like, I was out to dinner at a big table once with a group, and somebody ordered, like, it was like, the onion burger. And it was like caramelized onions with an onion jam, and it had onion rings on it. It was an onion burger. And they were like, we'll take this burger. And then when it came and pushed for them, like, no, I don't like onions. Can I have something else? Can you send it back? And the, like, the look on the waiter's face, I was like, I am so sorry. Leave that on the bill. Leave it on the table. We'll cut it into quarters and eat it. You can bring that person another thing. I'm sorry. They didn't read the description of the item they ordered. I was so. I'm still mad.
[52:03]
Chris Gethard
Can I. Can I tell you, one of my friends. I used to have a joke. He used to work at Chili's.
[52:07]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[52:08]
Chris Gethard
And somebody one time ordered the jowl penis burger. He had to snatch the menu from them and be like, what did you just order? Point to it. And he said, the jalapeno burger.
[52:19]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[52:19]
Chris Gethard
And then the person got it and then complained to the manager that it was too spicy.
[52:23]
Mrs. P
It was too spicy. Yeah.
[52:24]
Chris Gethard
Jalapeno burger.
[52:26]
Mrs. P
I. I've had a lot of those in my life. I had someone order beef tartare, well done. Famously a raw dish. And I said, beef tartare, well done. What you're requesting is a burger.
[52:37]
Chris Gethard
I have a question.
[52:37]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[52:38]
Chris Gethard
Did they eat any beef carpaccio in this story?
[52:41]
Mrs. P
I don't remember.
[52:42]
Chris Gethard
Because I had some beef carpaccio. Let me tell you. I'm still dreaming about it. And I. I would be having sexy ghost dreams. Truffled beef carpaccio.
[52:50]
Mrs. P
Oh, you better. Trouble. So they go out to this restaurant. Anna is sort of flirting with the waiter. The waiter's flirting back with her, because, again, they're having a private Italian conversation.
[53:00]
Chris Gethard
Hold on. Do I have a. I don't have a soundboard noise for a train wreck. Incoming.
[53:06]
Mrs. P
And they're they're having. He's all hands on deck with, like this flirting and ba, ba. And they're. They're just having like a lovely conversation in Italian while her family is kind of just like oblivious but also side eyeing her. Like, who's side eyeing her? Like, you slut. Just like the thing happened 12 years ago.
[53:25]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[53:27]
Mrs. P
When he's like. He's like, where are you staying?
[53:30]
Chris Gethard
This sounds like an Italian Bertucci bucket. Beppo lasagna, ragu pasta fra diav la zupa de peshi.
[53:40]
Mrs. P
And then she's like, oh, so you made me lose my spot.
[53:46]
Chris Gethard
I'm sorry to stop.
[53:47]
Mrs. P
Let me see here. They're flirting with each other. Okay. So she is. He's like, well, where are you staying? And she's like, I'm staying at the Villa Tacola. And he like, turns green and like, like white is a ghost. Like, you know that, like what, all the blood is sucked out of your face. And he kind of just like backs away and, like, stops talking to her. And then from that point forward, every time he comes to the table and he's very, like, robotic and doesn't engage with her unless he absolutely has to. And she's like. It was very jarring to her. Yeah, he's only coming over to give refills, which I wrote here, except we're in Europe, so they're definitely not getting refills.
[54:24]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, 100% no ice, no refills.
[54:28]
Mrs. P
No refills.
[54:29]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[54:31]
Mrs. P
So then in the next chapter or so, they decide that the couples are going to go out for a date night. And guess who's in charge of babysitting. Oh, Anna, do we need to take a break?
[54:42]
Chris Gethard
Well, yeah, I was about to say we're gonna take a date night here with some of these ads that are about to play for us here. And they're not sponsors because we don't know what's gonna actually be played. Because you were like, what is? Before I cut to the last ad break. Yeah, you were like. Well, you said sponsors. I was like, what's just a word I'm using?
[54:57]
Mrs. P
We don't know what those ads.
[54:59]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, what if they think. Just say that.
[55:01]
Mrs. P
If there is an ad that we don't say with our mouths, we don't choose.
[55:03]
Chris Gethard
You don't hear us saying, hey, get a factor. That's the way to Nice.
[55:12]
Mrs. P
He found his button.
[55:13]
Chris Gethard
We'll be right back after this.
[55:16]
Ryan Reynolds
Unlike what you're listening to, T Mobile's coverage is no joke, because T Mobile helps keep you connected from the Heart of Portland to right where you are on America's largest 5G network. Switch now. Keep your phone and T Mobile will pay it off up to $800 per line via prepaid cart. Visit your local T Mobile location or learn more@t mobile.com Keep and switch up to four lines of a virtual prepaid card. Last 15 days qualifying unlock device, credit service port in 90 plus days device knowledgeable carrier and timely redemption. Required card is no cash access and expires in six months.
[55:54]
Chris Gethard
And we're back.
[55:55]
Mrs. P
We're here. So they're going on a couple couples date night, and the only person that's not in a couple is Anna. So she's got a babysit, which she's also fine with because Waverly and me are the only nice people in the house.
[56:07]
Chris Gethard
Oh, the kids.
[56:08]
Mrs. P
The kids are the only cool, chill people. They're like, let's swim in the pool and eat snacks. And you're like, yeah, that's what vacations are about. Yeah.
[56:13]
Chris Gethard
I mean, they're 10.
[56:14]
Mrs. P
Yeah. They're like, can we eat more gelato for breakfast, lunch, dinner? Yes, absolutely. That's what we're doing here.
[56:20]
Chris Gethard
Yes. I'm here to give you a tummy ache and hand you back to Nicole.
[56:24]
Mrs. P
You want to eat pistachio gelato all day long. So everything's going pretty fine. They're having a good time together. Everybody get. They all go to bed. She puts them to bed. After they go to bed, Anna hears some weird noises and goes and checks on the girls. And when she gets to their room, they're not in there. So she's like, panicking, trying to find them.
[56:43]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[56:43]
Mrs. P
And then she hears noises coming from inside the locked tower where the girls are.
[56:50]
Chris Gethard
The girls are inside.
[56:51]
Mrs. P
They're in the tower, and she's. The door's locked. She's like, how the did they get in there? So she actually has to, like, run out because they put the key to the tower out in, like, the garden shed area, basically. So she has to run outside to grab the key, bring it in, and they're, like, so scared when she gets the door open. They don't know how they got in there.
[57:11]
Chris Gethard
Let me tell you something, too. I just. From my experience with Italian villas.
[57:14]
Mrs. P
Yes.
[57:15]
Chris Gethard
That latch makes no sense. I'm just letting you know right now, like, every. I thought that all keys made sense until I tried to open the door in an Italian villa because it turned out you can lock it five ways but only unlock it one. That sentence doesn't make any sense. Exactly. 25 minutes trying to figure out how to open one door. 25 minutes relaxing to the point, to the point where when other family members walked up who were a little bit older, I just said, don't wor about it.
[57:47]
Mrs. P
Yeah, I got this step over the gate.
[57:49]
Chris Gethard
I, I looked at him, I said, I am the key master.
[57:52]
Mrs. P
I am the gatekeeper.
[57:53]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, exactly.
[57:54]
Mrs. P
Ghostbusters.
[57:54]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[57:55]
Mrs. P
So they're in the tower. She lets them out as they're. The kids are like hyperventilating. They're so hyperventilating. They're so scared.
[58:02]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[58:03]
Mrs. P
They don't know how they got in there. It was dark. I can only imagine how scared they are right as this is happening, this calming down of the girls, relocking the door. This is when all the people come back home and Nicole's pissed. Why are the girls awake? Why are they so stressed out? What's going on? And Anna doesn't want to tell her that she just found them in the tower.
[58:21]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[58:22]
Mrs. P
So like, she's kind of like, don't say anything to your mom. But then Nicole's pissed because she's like, you're so irresponsible, Anna. Blah, blah.
[58:31]
Chris Gethard
And this is kind of ice cream for dinner, Anna.
[58:34]
Mrs. P
This is kind of the moment where Anna starts to really verbalize to the people of the house, the family, that this house is haunted. She's like, this place is weird. I think we got, we. I think we might need to leave this place. Like, this place is kind of a bummer.
[58:47]
Chris Gethard
Well, this is also because this is why you don't use Airbnb. Yeah, because this is one of the reasons, the only reason you got this place is because it was listed on Airbnb. Not that you like had to reach out to a local Italian tour person.
[59:00]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[59:00]
Chris Gethard
You know what I mean? Or like a real estate agent or something to book there for, you know, a short term rental.
[59:04]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[59:05]
Chris Gethard
You went on Airbnb. It said, beautiful tower, nice views, locked, demon gate, ghosts. Yeah.
[59:12]
Mrs. P
Question mark, exclamation point.
[59:14]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. You should have stayed at a. What Hotel?
[59:17]
Mrs. P
Oh, I love a hotel.
[59:18]
Chris Gethard
Love a hotel.
[59:19]
Mrs. P
You're going to the worst bed.
[59:21]
Chris Gethard
You know, the worst. Exactly. You know the worst part about staying at a haunted Italian Airbnb? You have to take the trash out.
[59:28]
Mrs. P
They want me to load the dishwasher.
[59:30]
Chris Gethard
What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Remove all of the sheets and put it in a hamper. What are you, a ghost?
[59:37]
Mrs. P
Just, I don't work here.
[59:38]
Chris Gethard
A ghost stole my niece.
[59:40]
Mrs. P
I don't work here. Why do I have to sweep?
[59:44]
Chris Gethard
Why is there a rule that says no noise after 10pm because the rattling of the chains need to be heard across the hills. Fuck yourself.
[59:52]
Mrs. P
I'm staying at the Four Seasons. They have a heated towel rack.
[59:55]
Chris Gethard
I. We can't afford the Four Seasons unless more people join us at Pearlmania. $500. Oh, no, no. But I just think in general, like, I just listen. I fuck Donald Trump, but I'm pro hotel.
[60:08]
Mrs. P
I'm. I would never say Trump Hotel. I'm pro hotel.
[60:11]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[60:12]
Mrs. P
So another night. Whatever. We're on a different night. And Anna and Christopher are. Oh, it's Ben and Christopher Brown. That bonfire again. Drinking some wine, which Christopher, like, adamantly does not want to share with Anna. So, like, there's a bottle of wine and like three glasses. But he's like, no, she should have her own.
[60:30]
Chris Gethard
I wonder if Christopher is threatened by Anna because he knows that she can smell out the fact that he's not good enough for Benny.
[60:37]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[60:37]
Chris Gethard
Boom.
[60:38]
Mrs. P
For sure.
[60:38]
Chris Gethard
There we go.
[60:39]
Mrs. P
For sure.
[60:40]
Chris Gethard
I like how I psychoanalyze these. These characters.
[60:44]
Mrs. P
Topher is a jerk and he has got low self esteem.
[60:47]
Chris Gethard
For sure. His name's Topher. For.
[60:50]
Mrs. P
I just said that.
[60:51]
Chris Gethard
I know. I'm agreeing with you.
[60:53]
Mrs. P
I. I see. I have Chris written down so many times because I. I just started writing it as Chris because he doesn't want to be called Chris. But you made it Topher, which is even worse.
[61:02]
Chris Gethard
I know.
[61:03]
Mrs. P
So Chris gets drunk.
[61:05]
Chris Gethard
Chris, Topher.
[61:06]
Mrs. P
Chris. Topher gets drunk and starts a fight with Anna, talking about how she's too clingy and codependent and that's why Benny had to move to Philly. And we find out, like, all this past history through Anna's perspective about how, like, her and Benny used to live together in New York. And then weird Benny, well, they're getting their twins. Benny, she was like, really pushing Benny, like, you need to get out on your own. You're a little. We're a little too codependent. You should maybe go move to, like, live by yourself and really experience things on yourself. But I guess Benny told Christopher a different version of that story. Flipped it where Anna's the clingy one. Ba. Ba. So, like, Christopher again has all these resentments of stories he's heard from Benny that Benny would never have the spine to say to Anna. So it's all Benny's resentments coming out through Christopher's asshole mouth.
[61:55]
Chris Gethard
Benny did a typical man, which is all my exes are crazy.
[61:58]
Mrs. P
Yes. But about a sister About a sister. Weird.
[62:01]
Chris Gethard
Which is weird. And also, it's like when you're. Listen, when you're fraternal twins living with your sister, that's gonna be an odd thing to bring somebody home to.
[62:09]
Mrs. P
Yeah. So Anna's like. As Christopher's talking his shit, cuz, like. And Anna's like, I don't need this. She literally is like, you're in an argument with yourself. Like, she's like, I'm not arguing with you.
[62:21]
Chris Gethard
Bars.
[62:22]
Mrs. P
You are arguing with yourself. I'm leaving. And as she's walking back in the house, Christopher is like, whatever, cunt.
[62:30]
Chris Gethard
I know.
[62:32]
Mrs. P
And so she's like, I'm. I'mma let this sign.
[62:35]
Chris Gethard
He's using that white gay male misogyny. And he was like, I get to say this because of this. It's like, no, no, no, no. That's internalized somewhere inside of you. And then you turn it around and weaponize it, but you try to claim it's cutesy, except when you're drunk and you can't be cute. That's why your name is Christopher.
[62:51]
Mrs. P
Whoa. So she's like, I'm gonna let this. I'm gonna let this go. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna take a shower. You're gonna mind. I'm not gonna start a fight with this guy. Benny is like, hey, you can't say that about my sister. And then Benny and Christopher start having a fight about Christopher. Christopher's behavior. And they're drunkenly fighting with each other when she goes to bed, right? So the next day, she wakes up and she's like, whatever, I just got to finish out this week. She goes downstairs and everyone's in a tizzy because Christopher left in the middle of the night, packed his bags, wrote a note. And in the note, he blames Anna. He's like. And Anna can. You know, I forget what he wrote. But it was basically like, this is Anna's fault. I'm leaving. Okay, Benny. Benny's just gonna. I didn't live up to Anna's standards for Benny. Like, what, the projection?
[63:39]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[63:40]
Mrs. P
So he wrote this note about how it's Anna's fault that he's leaving in the middle of the night. And Benny. Benny is giving Anna the silent treatment. Nicole's being a. Obviously. And being like, this is your fault. What did you do? You always do something. Blah, blah, blah. The parents are basically like, again, just like pitter pattering around but being like, wouldn't it be? No. Look at the view. Look at the view. Like, it's very.
[64:05]
Chris Gethard
That got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I.
[64:08]
Mrs. P
So Anna notices Anna reads the note. She, like, snatches it off the table and she reads the note, and she notices that it's Benny's handwriting because she knows his fucking handwriting. She doesn't call it out. She doesn't say anything. She just makes a note in her head and she just walks into the next room, right? She's like. Noted.
[64:26]
Chris Gethard
Okay, see, this is. This is starting to become a little bit on Anna.
[64:30]
Mrs. P
Yeah, you got to call that out.
[64:31]
Chris Gethard
No, but I'm saying there's a couple things here where she just, like, takes it, but by taking it and not confronting it, because it's building it to another thing and that other people will. Then when you finally do bring it up, they'll be like, well, why didn't you mention it at the time?
[64:46]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[64:46]
Chris Gethard
And now you're. You're. You're storing it as ammo.
[64:50]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[64:50]
Chris Gethard
And it's for another future.
[64:52]
Mrs. P
Crushing your nervous system. And it's going to give you an autoimmune disorder. So just fucking say it.
[64:56]
Chris Gethard
Okay. Wow. I feel like we just all had a breakthrough.
[65:00]
Mrs. P
I'm saying just say it. So Anna starts doing some online research about the villa, and she finds out the history of this woman named Bianca who killed her whole family and put a curse on the town. And.
[65:19]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, yeah, I love. I love. I love a family destruction curse.
[65:25]
Mrs. P
So she puts a curse on the whole town, basically, and it caused years of drought and famine in the town. Except the town realizes at a certain point that they need to feed La Dame Bianca. They have to feed her because her soul. And this curse she put on the villa and the town. Right. This curse feeds on energy. And so when it's left uninterrupted, it. It sees it, it seeps out and feeds on the crops, it feeds on the animals, it steals all the energy of the town, and then they go into famine, right? And so this town was destroyed for years after this curse, but they realized when somebody went to the villa and decided to move in, that something happened. And then the crops started to grow back and the animals came back to life and, like, they were able to. To open restaurants. So what they do, basically, is they realize they. They're going to Airbnb out this villa to feed it tourists.
[66:29]
Chris Gethard
I. Can I tell you something real fast?
[66:30]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[66:31]
Chris Gethard
Smartest town in Italy. That's the smartest town in Italy. Holy. Holy shit. This is so good. I'm obsessed. I. Because now that we found out that it turned out wherever this. This town is in Italy.
[66:51]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[66:51]
Chris Gethard
The town is the heroes.
[66:53]
Mrs. P
Wait, and then there's this other part. I didn't write this down, but it's.
[66:56]
Chris Gethard
Feeding Disney adults to an attack Families. No, no, but not just any family. These are clearly Disney adult films. No, no, but it's feeding families. Oh, that's so good.
[67:10]
Mrs. P
One of the things is that in this story that, like, I didn't even write down, but I just remember because it's so funny and such a good little plot point is when they're driving up the villa on the shitty roads that you were discussing that are too small, before they get to the gate, like, let's say a quarter of a mile before they get to the gate. The villa. There's a goat. And he's like. There's a post and he's on a rope, and he's, like, leashed up.
[67:33]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[67:33]
Mrs. P
And there's a goat there. And we find out in this moment that it's basically the Jurassic park goat. And that when that goat dies, that's the sign that it has seeped down. And the. The villa, the people of the town will panic. So the goat is a canary.
[67:48]
Chris Gethard
Literally a scapegoat.
[67:49]
Mrs. P
It's a scapegoat.
[67:50]
Chris Gethard
It's literally a scapegoat in case the evil juju comes down.
[67:54]
Mrs. P
Yeah. It's a little goat warning. And they don't know. Like, they're just like, oh, there's a goat there. That's crazy. But then, like, they find out through the book that, like this. If this goat dies, that the evil has seeped down. And then the.
[68:09]
Chris Gethard
Can I tell you my favorite. Can I tell you my absolute favorite thing is that Anna just Googled two things and was like, oh, we're being sacrificed to save an Italian town. And the mom is like, I don't.
[68:18]
Mrs. P
Think I didn't read it on the Yelp reviews.
[68:20]
Chris Gethard
Honey, you can't believe any. Everything you see on the Internet. By the way, do you know that shrimp Jesus voted for Trump? According to my face.
[68:28]
Mrs. P
Okay, so then it's like, it's Friday, and we're almost at the end of the week, and Nicole is on her shit trying to get everybody ready because there's a day trip, but according to her, like, spreadsheet printout, that's the Thursday day trip, not the Friday day trip. And Anna's like, no, today's. Today's Thursday, and. Or no, they. They lost a day, basically. So they all look at their phones or whatever, and it says Friday. But Anna's like, what did we do on Thursday? And then they're like, oh, we were hanging out by the pool and eating. And they're like. She's like, no, that didn't happen. Everybody is missing the memory of Thursday. And this is when Anna really loses her shit. She's like, guys, we have to. We have to get the fuck out of here. This place is weird. What did we do on Thursday? Where were we? And no one can give a direct answer, but everybody's just being like, the mom in White Lotus. Yeah, like, whatever, honey. We had a good time. I got a massage.
[69:25]
Chris Gethard
Taiwan, Buddhism.
[69:32]
Mrs. P
God, I hope you watched the White Lotus if you were listening to this. So Anna's begging them to pay attention to the fact that they've lost a day. They're all making excuses. They're all refusing to, like, really look at the fact that they've lost a full day. Whatever. They. They go about their day. There's family drama. Whatever. The middle of the night. That night, Anna hears a low groaning, like a cat in heat. Low groaning.
[70:01]
Chris Gethard
So, like this?
[70:03]
Mrs. P
Yeah. And she. She goes looking.
[70:10]
Chris Gethard
Like that.
[70:10]
Mrs. P
And so she goes out her door.
[70:12]
Chris Gethard
Oh, wait, but it might be Italian, so. So got to put a Val at the end, so. Oh, it might be an A.
[70:21]
Mrs. P
It might be an A. So she goes looking at her door to figure out where this noise is coming from. Because it's really, like. It's. It's scaring her. It's like, yeah, whatever. And when she opens her door, she finds one of her nieces kind of standing out in the hallway in the dark, and she's the one making the noise because she's, like, almost, like, getting sick. Like, when you're, like, about to do that cat thing. Yeah, it's like that, but the groan. And when she, like, she's making noise, she's like, oh, Waverly or me. I don't remember which child it is.
[70:53]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[70:53]
Mrs. P
Are you okay? And Nicole wakes up, and she's coming out. And as this happens, the. The little girl vomits, and it gets on Anna's feet, and it's red, red, red, red. And she's like, oh, my God, they're vomiting blood. But it's not blood. It's wine. And we find out that both of the little girls are completely drunk on a lot of fucking wine. And they're just both, like, really out of it. Like, mom, I don't feel good. And then, like, vomiting wine everywhere.
[71:22]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[71:22]
Mrs. P
All right. And Nicole comes to see what's up, and she sees that both little girls are drunk and sick and she blames Anna and she's like. Anna's like, I was in bed. And she's like, what did you do? Why'd you give the kids wine? And she's like, I would never do that.
[71:37]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[71:37]
Mrs. P
Also Christopher's the one with all the wine.
[71:40]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, but Christopher's missing.
[71:42]
Mrs. P
No, he left.
[71:43]
Chris Gethard
That's what I'm saying. Well, listen, the family thinks he left, but we know he's missing.
[71:48]
Mrs. P
Okay.
[71:49]
Chris Gethard
Okay. And he's clearly up in that tower and a ghost is eating his butt.
[71:55]
Mrs. P
So there she's. She blames Anna and then they all decide they're going to take the girls to the hospital.
[72:02]
Chris Gethard
That's how you go to jail.
[72:04]
Mrs. P
Fun fact. They go to the hospital and there's a certain point where I guess in Italian they're like, we have to call social services.
[72:10]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. Because the 10 year old is hammered on four bottles of wine.
[72:13]
Mrs. P
Yeah. And then they're all like, we got to leave before the cops get here. True. It's like a whole part about it.
[72:18]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[72:20]
Mrs. P
While this is happening, Anna sees the ghost woman who is named Ladama Bianca, like I said, standing behind everyone, like she can see the ghost woman behind them. And she's like, guys, we need to pack our bags and get the hell out of here. And she really, like, it, starts screaming at them, we have to get out of here. And Benny comes out and he's got like. I feel like he has like this bed spring, like in his hand. Like, he wakes up screaming and the spring from the bed is like jammed in his hand. So he also needs to go to the hospital. And then the parents, the mom and dad are like, what's going on? But they can't open the door. The door is locked. Now this could be what you said, whereas that older people can't figure out locked doors.
[73:01]
Chris Gethard
Well, I was gonna Italian lock a lot. Never experienced an old Italian villa locked.
[73:06]
Mrs. P
But they can't get out. And they're like, they can feel something pushing on the door. And then Benny with his one hand goes and like takes the hinges off, like, with it. Like he bops the hinges up so you can get the door off. And everybody, I guess, like finally are convinced. They're like, we're leaving. Ba ba. It's like a day early at this point. Point. And they all go to the hospital. They go there and then they're like, we're leaving Italy. Right. It's like, it's a show. A lot of stuff is happening. They're hearing noises. Doors are Slamming. It's like chaos. The kids are drunk.
[73:37]
Chris Gethard
They're like, we need to get back to Joe.
[73:38]
Mrs. P
Do you even remember that Nicole's married?
[73:41]
Chris Gethard
Oh, I forgot.
[73:42]
Mrs. P
Exactly. The husband's there. Who knows? I forgot the scene cut.
[73:48]
Chris Gethard
Can I tell you?
[73:49]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[73:49]
Chris Gethard
I pictured him the entire time in cargo shorts. Yeah, just the entire time.
[73:54]
Mrs. P
Floppy's cargo shorts.
[73:55]
Chris Gethard
Flippy. Floppy's cargo shorts. And like maybe.
[74:00]
Mrs. P
Tech material, golf shirt. Oh, tech material, golf shirt. Yeah, you know the ones?
[74:04]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, I know the one. So sports wicking.
[74:06]
Mrs. P
Sports wicking. So Anna's on a flight. She's going back to New York City. She gets home and she's so excited to get home to her shitty little apartment.
[74:15]
Chris Gethard
She escaped.
[74:16]
Mrs. P
She escaped.
[74:16]
Chris Gethard
Oh, good for her.
[74:17]
Mrs. P
She unpack. So like she's. She's on the flight, she like gets through the. The cab of the airport, the whole thing.
[74:23]
Chris Gethard
She takes American Airlines, she watches Megalopolis on a tiny screen.
[74:26]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[74:27]
Chris Gethard
The only place you can see it internationally. Which I did watch.
[74:29]
Mrs. P
Yeah, I'm sorry.
[74:30]
Chris Gethard
One of the worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life. It's in. It is so bad.
[74:35]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[74:36]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[74:36]
Mrs. P
So she unpacks her bags when she gets into the house. Settling in. And as she opens her one bag, right there in the middle of the bag, on the top of her laundry is the key to the tower, which I told you is in the fucking garden room. And she's like, what the fuck? How'd this get in here? Right? Like I didn't pack this when I packed my shit. So she decided she's gonna go take a shower. Cuz again, long ass flight after a long ass train ride.
[75:01]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[75:02]
Mrs. P
And when she's in this bathroom, she's looking in the mirror when she's like washing her face and she looks up in the mirror and standing behind her is la dom Bianca. Oh, piss yellow hair, staring at her.
[75:15]
Chris Gethard
The one on the floor.
[75:15]
Mrs. P
And she reaches out and like grabs her shoulder and like, like grips her shoulder and like Anna is in an immediate panic. Right? Like the. The ghost demon woman followed her home. Right. She did not get away. She brought it with her to New York. To New York, which the Ghostbusters live there. So make a call.
[75:37]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[75:38]
Mrs. P
So her response to this is she decides, I guess she's not taking a shower, but she's gonna open her laptop and she goes to Amazon.com and buys a bunch of ghost fighting shit and books for on the paranormal from Jeff Bezos. Shout out Bezos for helping us.
[75:54]
Chris Gethard
They really say she goes to Amazon.
[75:56]
Mrs. P
She Goes to the Amazon, I believe. Jesus Christ, girl.
[76:00]
Chris Gethard
The boycott.
[76:01]
Mrs. P
The girl.
[76:02]
Chris Gethard
The girl.
[76:02]
Mrs. P
The boycott girl we've been boycotting. They're anti you.
[76:05]
Chris Gethard
Why don't you. Why? At that point, I'm surprised you just go to go to Target.
[76:10]
Mrs. P
So Bianca is haunting the shit out of Anna at this point. Good. Like, I love the idea.
[76:17]
Chris Gethard
I love the idea of using prime to fight a ghost. I need the shipping as fast as possible. No, not. Don't send it directly to the apartment. Send it to one of the lockers.
[76:31]
Mrs. P
I don't want him to get stolen from the hallway. They're gonna stone from the hallway.
[76:34]
Chris Gethard
Imagine. Imagine doing your graphic design job. I could have done this from home. You have to go to the office. And now your whole office is being haunted. Oh, leave the key on the subway, girl.
[76:48]
Mrs. P
No one would notice. She does. She does. She tries to get rid of it so many different ways, but it keeps coming back.
[76:56]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[76:56]
Mrs. P
And like, she realizes that, like, the key, like, if she. If somebody else picks it up, they, like, they'll die. So, like, she tries to throw it at the subway, but then a little kid goes to pick it up because they're, like, drawn to it. Like, oh, look at that cool key on their street.
[77:10]
Chris Gethard
Okay?
[77:10]
Mrs. P
And then she's like, get away from that. Like, and she, like, yells at the kid because she knows that it's like, then the Dom will try to haunt the little kid.
[77:16]
Chris Gethard
Okay?
[77:17]
Mrs. P
So, like, she cannot morally and ethically get rid of this because she doesn't want to put this on anyone else. Yeah, but she does. She takes to the subway and, like, she's like, maybe I'll just leave it.
[77:25]
Chris Gethard
On the subway once you get to this level. But kind of. Okay, so now we're in a Mount Doom situation. Yeah, now we're in a one ring situation. Throw it in a furnace. So throw it in a furnace. Melt.
[77:38]
Mrs. P
This Bianca's haunting the shit out of Anna. Okay, the thing is, from the outside looking in, it looks like Anna is in psychosis. Right. She's up all hours of the night. She can't sleep. Anytime she falls asleep, she's having nightmares. She's drawing hundreds of pictures of Bianca that are strewn all over her apartment.
[77:58]
Chris Gethard
But can I tell you something real fast? Every time you say Bianca, I picture Bianca Del Rio.
[78:02]
Mrs. P
Yes.
[78:02]
Chris Gethard
And so it just feels like she's being haunted by an Italian drag queen.
[78:07]
Mrs. P
She tells really good jokes.
[78:09]
Chris Gethard
Really good joke. But hates kids.
[78:11]
Mrs. P
Yeah, Hates kids. Well, her name is La Dom Bianca, but I think the charact, the actual woman's name is Cassandra. Whatever.
[78:19]
Chris Gethard
But Bianca's just a scary. It's a funnier ghost game. I will give it.
[78:24]
Mrs. P
She's. I lost my thought again. Drawing hundreds of pictures. They're strewn everywhere. Also, every time she gets food in the house, it rots, so she has to keep ordering out.
[78:34]
Chris Gethard
Oh, yeah. Back to what you're saying. So, yeah, every time the ghost is just sucking the life force.
[78:38]
Mrs. P
Sucking the life force out of everything. She goes back to work. She has to go back to work. And at first everybody's like, oh, we're so happy to have you back. But they're starting to get concerned. But like, not concerned like we're worried about your welfare, but like, concerned like, like you're making the office look bad because she refuses to shower. Yeah, she's afraid of the shower.
[78:58]
Chris Gethard
No, hold on. It's New York. They don't give a. About somebody's mental health.
[79:01]
Mrs. P
No, but if you are stinky. Yeah. They're like, if you look crazy bad, your hair is dirty, you. She looks like she hasn't slept and that. She's like, really, like not. She's just not in it, you know?
[79:12]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[79:13]
Mrs. P
And they're. Everybody's getting a little concerned and she's not eating well either because again, the food's rotting. Also, she's just like, imagine you were.
[79:22]
Chris Gethard
In an office with Anna and before it was like, who's stealing stuff from the fridge? And now it's like every time you open the fridge, everything in the fridge is rotted. And the co workers.
[79:32]
Mrs. P
And then she just walks by and she's like a flies buzzing around. Or like that Charlie Brown character.
[79:36]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[79:36]
Mrs. P
What is up with her, pig pen? I thought she just went on a vacation.
[79:40]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[79:41]
Mrs. P
Now the other thing that's happening is.
[79:43]
Chris Gethard
She was mysterious and bisexual. Now she's just dirty.
[79:45]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[79:46]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[79:47]
Mrs. P
The other thing that's happening is her neighbors in the apartment building are complaining all the time about loud noises and banging on the walls and screaming. Right. There's all these reports of loud noises, banging and screaming and stomping, all this shit. But she's like, I don't. I don't know what you're talking about. Like, people are knocking on her door and being like, you got to keep it down. She's like, I'm not saying anything, but. And then when she's not in the apartment, they're hearing even louder noises. Right. So from our perspective as the reader, we're like, we don't know what that is.
[80:17]
Chris Gethard
Well, no, I'll tell you what. It Is Italian ghosts. They're loud.
[80:20]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[80:21]
Chris Gethard
They talk with their spooky hands.
[80:23]
Mrs. P
In a crazy subplot that happens.
[80:26]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[80:27]
Mrs. P
She runs into her ex, Josh, on the subway. I think his name is Josh. And they're having this really awkward conversation. And he's like, you, you look good. How you doing? She does not look good. And she does not look like she's doing well. And she looks like she's not well. And he. He. It becomes clear that he wants to angry revenge her. And she is like, bet. So she invites him back to her place, and they have what is if. I've read some really bad sex scenes. That was an awful sex scene because he's, like, clearly mad at her.
[81:00]
Chris Gethard
Is it awful sex or is it described poorly?
[81:04]
Mrs. P
It's awful sex because he hates her.
[81:06]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[81:07]
Mrs. P
And he's verbalizing that during it. You know what I mean?
[81:10]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. It's gross.
[81:10]
Mrs. P
It's bad. And so she, like, lets it happen. And then after they're done, she slips the key into his pocket. Right?
[81:22]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[81:22]
Mrs. P
And she slips the key into his pocket. And then he leaves. He's like, I'm leaving, ba.
[81:27]
Chris Gethard
Ba.
[81:27]
Mrs. P
And as. As she goes and sits back on her couch, she can, like, hear the apartment door downstairs open. And then all of a sudden, she hears and there's a huge car crash. And she looks outside and there's his dead body. He got hit by a car. And then she turns around and the key is back on her bed.
[81:47]
Chris Gethard
Oh, she didn't give it to him.
[81:49]
Mrs. P
She planted that.
[81:51]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[81:51]
Mrs. P
She knew what was gonna happen.
[81:52]
Chris Gethard
So it's a death note key now.
[81:53]
Mrs. P
It's a death note key.
[81:54]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. Okay, now I'm into the key now. Listen. Hey, girl. Listen, girl.
[82:02]
Mrs. P
Pennsylvania Avenue. So. Oh, God.
[82:10]
Chris Gethard
Right where I was going for after that. Austin, Texas.
[82:15]
Mrs. P
So Anna, at this point, fucking hates her job. She hates her company. She's, like, really resentful about the whole thing. She's seething with anger and resentment because she's being taken over by Bianca. Her spirit and soul and energy is being sucked by Bianca out of her. But also, Bianca is, like, infesting her. So she just hates everybody. And what. She's at, like, this business meeting with the company, and she's, like, drawing, right?
[82:42]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[82:42]
Mrs. P
And they're, like, talking. And, like, as they're talking, she just hates these marketing guys in this company. They're saying, like, we just need to, like, circle back to really acknowledge the diversity of the situation in Bubba. Like, you know, all the corporate speak.
[82:54]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[82:55]
Mrs. P
And it's driving her the paradigm.
[82:57]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, the paradigm a bit on this.
[82:59]
Mrs. P
We just really need to be able to vocalize through imagery that we're trying to express the brand's mission. You know that. And so, like, she's drawing, but they keep making her like, no, not like that, but like this. And like, so she gets mad and she just starts drawing like crazy. But they had, like, turned off the screen for a minute or something, and then when they turned it back on, she had drawn all the people in the room, which were, like, big executives and stuff. In all, like, with, like, dicks naked, fucking each other. Just like the craziest image. Yeah. Yeah. She instantly is fired. But before that, she. Because then she's on a laptop, she emails the picture to everybody at the company. I was like, get them, Anna. Get them. That's funny as hell. If you're getting kicked out, you're getting kicked out by security, baby.
[83:43]
Chris Gethard
CC to everyone.
[83:46]
Mrs. P
CC All.
[83:46]
Chris Gethard
CC All.
[83:47]
Mrs. P
So she said she's escorted out of the building.
[83:49]
Chris Gethard
I gotta say, CC all is the most dangerous button in any company. Yeah, it's the most dangerous button anytime it exists. It should never. Unless you're it. No one should have CC all except.
[84:00]
Mrs. P
And I don't want reply alls either.
[84:02]
Chris Gethard
I don't want reply Alls.
[84:03]
Mrs. P
If you hit a reply all. Oh, my God.
[84:05]
Chris Gethard
The one thing. It's. It's honestly the thing I was most shocked about in my corporate life, that whenever a CC all hit, I immediately deleted that and I would hit reply to just the person and, like, maybe like, two people that need to be involved. But. And the people who reply to CC all. You're nuts.
[84:23]
Mrs. P
They're. They're living on the edge.
[84:24]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[84:25]
Mrs. P
Or.
[84:25]
Chris Gethard
Or you're living with no edges. You have a very rounded personality and you don't believe that there's any sharp corners anywhere.
[84:32]
Mrs. P
You just. You don't. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So she gets escorted out of the building by security, obviously. And when she gets back to her apartment, there's an eviction notice on the door because there's been so many complaints for so long that they're like, we're actually going to terminate your lease.
[84:47]
Chris Gethard
Well, Mrs. P, can I tell you something?
[84:48]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[84:49]
Chris Gethard
We're going to get evicted unless we throw to a commercial.
[84:52]
Mrs. P
Oh, okay.
[84:52]
Chris Gethard
Right now. So when we get back, we are going to wrap this up and we're going to find out where this key goes. Is it the ultimate Death Note? Will Anna find out more about herself? Whatever happened to Topher, Nicole's husband? And so much more when we Return to story Wrong.
[85:11]
Ryan Reynolds
Unlike what you're listening to, T Mobile's coverage is no joke because T Mobile helps keep you connected from the heart of Portland to right where you are on America's largest 5G network. Switch now keep your phone and T Mobile will pay it off up to $800 per line via prepaid card. Visit your local T Mobile location or learn more@t mobile.com KeepAndSwitch up to four lines via virtual prepaid card. Last 15 days qualifying unlock device credit service port in 90 plus days device and eligible carrier and timely redemption required card is no cash access and expires in six months.
[85:49]
Mrs. P
500.Net that's our Patreon Patreon exclusive content.
[85:53]
Chris Gethard
Yep. Which is. This is an audio exclusive audio forward content today.
[85:58]
Mrs. P
Yeah. Have I forgot what I was gonna say? Okay, wait. So she gets to back to her apartment door. Eviction notice on the door.
[86:05]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[86:05]
Mrs. P
Yikes. There's something else I forgot to say, which is that when she landed in New York, none of her family has really contacted her. Like, she's texted Benny, he hasn't responded. Eventually she has a call with Nicole and Nicole's like, you ruin everything, blah, blah, we're all cutting you off, basically. And she, she finds out basically that her whole family hates her because she said, let's get out of the haunted villa. I don't understand what she did wrong, really. I think Nicole still thinks she got the kids drunk, which is like, again, why would she do that?
[86:34]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, I think it's just a general vibe.
[86:37]
Mrs. P
It's just a general vibe. They're just being like, we don't like you, blah, blah. And now that we don't have to go to Italy, we don't need a translator.
[86:43]
Chris Gethard
Yep.
[86:44]
Mrs. P
So after she sees the eviction notice, she packs her things and the key.
[86:50]
Chris Gethard
Okay.
[86:51]
Mrs. P
And she books a trip back to Italy to the Tuscan villa of doom. She's taking the key back, baby. Now at this point, she is like truly under the spell of La dam. Right. And she gets back to the villa, which again is so funny to think about doing all that travel again. Like the 10 hour flight, the 2 hour train ride, the 2 hour car ride, the whole thing.
[87:11]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[87:11]
Mrs. P
And she had to book it again on Airbnb. I don't know. I don't even know if she did. I think she just might have showed up. She has the key to the door, right? Like she doesn't have to book it.
[87:21]
Chris Gethard
Also, it's a haunted villa. It's not getting booked every weekend. No, they it feels like they need to only feed, like, one family a year. Yeah, that's what it feels like.
[87:28]
Mrs. P
Yeah. They only put.
[87:29]
Chris Gethard
Put it up once a year, like, for harvest. You know what I mean? Like, that's, you know, like that's.
[87:33]
Mrs. P
You guys seasonal.
[87:34]
Chris Gethard
If you feed her too many families, then she's gonna want more.
[87:38]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[87:38]
Chris Gethard
Because if you give a ghost a.
[87:40]
Mrs. P
Family, they're gonna need a glass of milk.
[87:43]
Chris Gethard
Yes.
[87:44]
Mrs. P
So she's truly under the spell. And so when she arrives back at the villa, she's really kind of, like, accepting that she's gonna die here. She's going to be consumed by Ladama after driving her into madness to get her energy, and she's, like, giving into it almost, or so Ladama thought. Right. Bianca, Cassandra, whatever her name is. She really thinks, like, she's one. She's driven her crazy. She's brought her back to the villa. She's going to absorb her energy and soul. Then there's like, a pretty cool knife fight in which the ghost is, like, using an airborne knife to try to stab Anna, but also trying to convince her to cut herself to end her life. Pretty cool knife fight.
[88:28]
Chris Gethard
I just. I'm picturing that, like, scary movie. I don't know why. It just feels like a scary movie moment where it's like. And then the sexy ghost grabs a.
[88:37]
Mrs. P
Knife and all the other spirits in the house are starting to appear. Right. Like, the energy in the house is starting to really vibe up. And all the other victims, the children, the families, the. The handsome guy that she saw vomiting blood. Like, all. All the people. The husband of La Dama and the children she killed. Right. Like, all them are there standing around.
[88:57]
Chris Gethard
Imagine. Hold on. It's cuz, like, Lama, I'm assuming, was like, 100 years ago, right, when she died. Right. We're probably the early 20s, or maybe even the 1800s.
[89:05]
Mrs. P
Yeah, 1800s.
[89:06]
Chris Gethard
Okay. So that I just want you to think of how many generations of tourists.
[89:11]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[89:11]
Chris Gethard
I like, you're going through them. It's like, here was the German family from the 40s, and then here was the. There was a few British families for a while, and then we started letting in Russians in the early 2000s. It's just like going through all these different stereotypes of tourist families, and then just they hit the 2010s.
[89:32]
Mrs. P
And here in the line of spirits that have come to join to accept Anna into the ranks is Christopher, of course, who's mean mugging her because he, like, blames her for this. He's like, this was your fault. I'm here and it's like, I don't know why everyone thinks Anna did something.
[89:48]
Chris Gethard
Did she pick the villa? Who?
[89:49]
Mrs. P
No, the mom did. The mom did, and she didn't do any goddamn research on it.
[89:53]
Chris Gethard
Never leave the choice of location up to a boomer.
[89:59]
Mrs. P
No, absolutely.
[90:00]
Chris Gethard
Why would you do that? They never read. They only pick the first result on Google.
[90:04]
Mrs. P
They do not pick the first Google result.
[90:07]
Chris Gethard
They never scroll that deep.
[90:09]
Mrs. P
They don't go to the Google reviews, then the Yelp reviews, then the travel advisor reviews, then look at ra. Read it. You have a lot of research to do.
[90:14]
Chris Gethard
There's a lot of stuff you got to go through or else you end up like.
[90:17]
Mrs. P
A picture's nice.
[90:18]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. You're like, oh, my God, look at that. You're like, that's AI. Yeah, that's AI. That's photoshopped in AI.
[90:23]
Mrs. P
So although there's spirits of their house, there's Christopher Studio Ghibli Yellow. Mom, he's mean. He's already mean mugging her. Okay, so anyway, we as the reader didn't know that all those crazy nights where Anna didn't seem to know what was going on, and, like, chaos was ensuing and they were knocking on the walls and screaming. Anna was reading all the books that she ordered from Amazon and she had come up with a plan on how to fight against Bianca. Right now she has, like, this rough and tumble fight with the ghost who now has, like, become flesh because, like, she's absorbing the power in the room and, like, she's becoming more and more, like, fleshy humanoid and like her, but, like, she's not beautiful like a ghost. Like, she's like a dead body. So, like, her eyes are sunken in. It's, like, really gross. But Anna's, like saying these chants, right? She's, like, chanting these things to herself. And then the spirits join into the chance and there's hundreds of voices chanting this spell that's stealing the power from La Dam, right? And through this, she frees the spirits and herself from the grips of of La Dama Bianca and ends the curse. And it was a big battle fight royale. A lot of ghost stuff happening, but she wins. And then the next chapter, we see Anna vibing out in the Tuscan village where she stayed in Italy and just became like a street artist that basically goes no contact with her family and lives on the sunshine, drinks good wine. She makes money selling street art to tourists. Okay, Vibes.
[91:58]
Chris Gethard
Vibes.
[91:59]
Mrs. P
The vibes. That's the end of the book.
[92:00]
Chris Gethard
Yeah. Did she get a work Visa.
[92:02]
Mrs. P
I was.
[92:02]
Chris Gethard
That's again, that's my next thought is just like, I'm going to stay here for a bit. You got a work visa, girl?
[92:08]
Mrs. P
Yeah. No, you got to get the other.
[92:09]
Chris Gethard
One, the, the Digital Nomad.
[92:11]
Mrs. P
Digital Nomad, Yeah, Digital Nomad visa. They did not go into the visa process because again, this was written in 2023, before everybody was doing research about such things.
[92:20]
Chris Gethard
Also it was written in 2023 before. Before it was well known that a lot of random books, especially about like fringe topics like ghosts or UFOs or other things are now just a slop.
[92:34]
Mrs. P
Oh, we don't read those books here.
[92:35]
Chris Gethard
No, I know, but I'm saying though is like there's a lot of stuff that you have to be careful of, especially on Amazon.
[92:39]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[92:40]
Chris Gethard
When you're on those edge of things of like. Oh, especially self published works. Because I'm saying if you typed in like how to get rid of Italian Ghost into Amazon, you're going to get a few things.
[92:51]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[92:51]
Chris Gethard
You're going to get a bunch of AI slop. Probably a book by Chuck Tingle about a ghost dinosaur and. And then. Yeah. So. So she would just be up there like reading an AI hallucination.
[93:04]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[93:04]
Chris Gethard
Angrily.
[93:05]
Mrs. P
Incredible. Yeah, incredible.
[93:07]
Chris Gethard
Incredible.
[93:08]
Mrs. P
But yeah, that was the whole book. It was really good.
[93:10]
Chris Gethard
That sounds really good.
[93:11]
Mrs. P
It was so good. I really enjoyed it.
[93:13]
Chris Gethard
I really enjoyed this too.
[93:14]
Mrs. P
It made me feel like I was in Italy with you.
[93:16]
Chris Gethard
It did felt very similar to, to my escapades. But no, this is, this was a really, really good book. I really appreciate it. I think you. I'm glad you set up at the beginning about how it's mostly family horror.
[93:32]
Mrs. P
Yeah. It's mostly the horror is really the family.
[93:35]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[93:36]
Mrs. P
Which I didn't want to go into because there's so much. Just like any family, they have decades of.
[93:40]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[93:41]
Mrs. P
They're unpacking on each other in every conversation and while reading the book, it's really interesting and it gives you the.
[93:49]
Chris Gethard
Oh, wow. Actually I flipped over the back and there actually is a reference to a different, I guess a different season of the White lotus.
[93:54]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[93:54]
Chris Gethard
Jennifer Thorne, the author, scorches the petals right off the white lotus with the supernatural downward spiral of gut wrenching teeth bearing terror. If you thought vacationing with your family was a living hell, look no further than Diavala as a Primo Espino. That there are deeper, darker levels to descent that would make even Dante blush. This isn't your mama's Italian gothic. This is literary garrote strapped right at Your throat and my God, does it ever squeeze. And that was by Clay McLeod Chaplin, author of Ghost Eaters and who's a little camp. Honestly, that was pretty camp. Well, these are some pretty good reviews on the back here. They're kind of funny, but, yeah, the. It was a good book. I liked it. I thought it was pretty cool. Jennifer Thorne, you did a good job.
[94:42]
Mrs. P
It was a good, entertaining summer read, for sure.
[94:44]
Chris Gethard
You can. If you want to find more from Jennifer Thorne, you can tag her on Instagram. Jen Mariette. Yeah, Jen Marie Thorne. I almost said Mariette Horn, but it's Jen Marie Thorne on Instagram. Same as her Facebook. But this is a good book. I liked it. The COVID actually, while I'm looking at it again, because when I Googled the Woman of the Florentine, there's like, a similar painting, but this is the image on the front now that I'm looking a little bit closer. It's a smeared face.
[95:17]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[95:18]
Chris Gethard
On almost. The girl with the pearl earring.
[95:20]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[95:20]
Chris Gethard
But. But the girl with a pearl earring painting is. Is like, for, like a maid.
[95:24]
Mrs. P
Yeah. So this is a woman supposed to be a representation of Anna. Had drawn her after she saw her, and then she, like, smeared her face. Because again, it's like probably a pencil or chalk drawings. You know what I mean?
[95:36]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's good, though. It's haunting. It's a haunting cover. It's a good book. I like. I like this story a lot. I think the story is very interesting. I think. Yeah. I think you were very right when you talked about how it was very much like the hacienda.
[95:49]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[95:50]
Chris Gethard
Because the ending is very hacienda, like, where there's a ghost battle and you have to get rid of the energy and those type of things. I think, to me, I'm just very much used to ghost movies where it's like the ghost kind of wins.
[96:02]
Mrs. P
Yeah.
[96:03]
Chris Gethard
And so, like, getting the ghost sucked back into some portal somewhere and now you're a street artist. That doesn't feel like a win for me.
[96:10]
Mrs. P
I mean, it's a win for Anna.
[96:11]
Chris Gethard
It's a win for Anna.
[96:12]
Mrs. P
She doesn't. She's just vibing out, laying in the sun, making paintings.
[96:16]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[96:16]
Mrs. P
For tourists of the scenery. I love that. For her.
[96:20]
Chris Gethard
Yeah.
[96:21]
Mrs. P
That was a great book. And I thank everybody for listening. Go get your library cards. If you haven't sign up for something, an event or some type of class at your library, they need support right now. And thank you so much.
[96:34]
Chris Gethard
Yeah, guys, thank you so much for listening. And we will be back on Sunday with a regular episode of Too Many Tabs and all that other fun stuff. So get yourself together, get your library card and Mrs. P will post in the next couple days what the next book for book club is going to be on her Instagram, Mrs. Pearl and the Patreon Pearlmania500.net. And with that, have yourself a spooky one. Too many frauds and too many scammers.
[97:02]
Mrs. P
That we wish weren't real.
[97:04]
Chris Gethard
Too many cons and too many spammers.
[97:07]
Mrs. P
And we're starting to feel like we've got too many tabs. Open it.
[97:15]
Chris Gethard
Too many tabs. Remember to smile.
[97:26]
Ryan Reynolds
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[97:56]
Chris Gethard
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