My Falconer - Adam Baz

Summary

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Tosh Show — "My Falconer - Adam Baz"

Host: Daniel Tosh
Guest: Adam Baz (Professional Falconer)
Date: September 23, 2025

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Episode Overview

Comedian Daniel Tosh welcomes professional falconer Adam Baz to the show in an episode that soars through the world of birds of prey, the realities and quirks of falconry, and a barrage of Tosh’s signature humor and curiosity. Through candid conversation, the duo explores what it takes to train raptors, the strange intertwining of animal care and comedy, and why you should never expect affection from an owl. Rich in anecdotes and insights, the episode is equal parts education, entertainment, and irreverence.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Daniel's Solvang Adventure & Falconer Introduction

(01:42–12:51)

• Tosh shares a recent family trip to Solvang, a quirky Danish town in California, painting his usual comedic picture of odd local customs, expensive horse ranch lodging, and overeating on pastries and donuts.
• The setup segues into his enthusiasm for farm animals and wildlife—laying the foundation for the falconry interview.

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2. Interview with Adam Baz: Life as a Professional Falconer

(13:07–56:53)

A. Adam’s Background & Path to Falconry

(16:07–17:54)

• Grew up in rural upstate New York as a bored punk skateboarder; father was a fly fisherman, which he likens to falconry.
• Lived a "pastoral" childhood, later moved to Portland, Oregon after Bard College for urban life and eventually outdoors appreciation.
• Developed an obsession with birds after a transformative psychedelic experience in the woods.
• Began as a bird biologist, then shifted into falconry after hearing an NPR interview with a pro falconer.
• Holds a graduate degree in ornithology.

"I always say, like, falconry is a little similar to fly fishing in some ways."
— Adam (16:39)

B. The World of Raptors

(18:48–19:58)

• Raptors include falcons, hawks, owls, and eagles—“predatory birds,” as Adam clarifies for Tosh.
• Adam didn’t grow up with birds as pets; the leap from bird-watching to handling raptors was professionally driven.

C. Training, Hunting, and the Legal Landscape

(21:17–25:24)

• Falconry is fundamentally a hunting sport historically practiced for over 5,000 years.
• In the US, becoming a falconer requires a hunting license, a specialized falconry license, and at least two years of apprenticeship, starting with trapping a wild hawk.
• Training a wild raptor takes 3 weeks to 3 months to build initial trust with food being the main motivator.

“You have to have a hunting license, you have to have a falconry license. And it is basically encouraged, if not required, that you hunt with your birds, at least for the first two years.”
— Adam (21:43)

• Birds can be sourced from breeders ($800–$5,000) or legally trapped from the wild using a special device called a “balshatri trap.”

D. Falconry Equipment and Bird Behavior

(28:47–33:00)

• The “hood” (a leather helmet) is traditional equipment to block a raptor’s intense vision and help them relax.
• Birds, notably hawks, have immensely strong talons—up to five times stronger than human hand grip.
• Birds like hawks and falcons can live up to 30–35 years in captivity, compared to 8–12 years in the wild.

E. Bird Training Realities & Misconceptions

(22:51–24:25 | 37:16–39:58)

• Bird training is ongoing; reinforcement is key for both birds and dogs.
• Raptors are not pets and will never be affectionate. The relationship is utilitarian, not emotional.
• Owls, despite their popular “wise” image, are not intelligent; hawks and falcons are much smarter.

“They don’t love me. They never will. They don’t want to spend that much time with me… If your goal is to have, like, a very affectionate relationship with an animal, this is not the group of animals for you.”
— Adam (47:36)

F. The Business of Falconry

(36:27–41:13)

• Adam’s work is multi-faceted: education for schools/families (approx. $400 for a private session), pest control for large properties, and animal handling for photo/video shoots.
• Humane pest control: using falcons/hawks to haze, not kill, pigeons, crows, and seagulls—often for hotels, resorts, and shopping centers.

"You're kind of honestly creating a problem for someone else."
— Adam (41:11)

• Estimates 30–40 falconers in greater LA; about 5,000 in the US overall, most of whom do not make it a profession.

G. Wildlife Anecdotes & Pop Culture

(43:10–44:48)

• Brief discussion about “Showgun”—the TV show featuring falconry.
• Adam offers a “wing bearer” service for weddings (hawk brings the rings), with the lure being a scissor-cut mouse.

H. Animal Care & Farm Life

(53:08–54:28)

• Adam’s household: 10 chickens, 2 Nigerian dwarf goats, a miniature pony, 5–6 raptors at any time, a highly energetic vizsla, and 2 full-size horses (kept at a barn).
• Adam’s girlfriend runs most of the farm operations.

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3. Memorable Quotes & Comedic Moments

• On animals’ affections:

  “I just wanted your falcons to love you. I don’t know why.”
  — Daniel Tosh (48:30)

• On owls’ intellect:

  “Owls have, like, a good publicity team, you know? Everybody thinks they’re wise. They’re really not very smart birds. Hawks and falcons are way smarter.”
  — Adam (48:53)

• On bird handling:

  “So there’s just a hawk staring up at me in pantyhose. You know, it’s like a very bizarre…”
  — Adam (26:45)

• On falconry’s effectiveness:

  “Falconry began 5,000 years ago… Then with the advent of gunpowder, falconry became kind of eclipsed as an actual survival tool. Now it’s a sport.”
  — Adam (42:10)

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4. Daniel Tosh’s Curious (and Juvenile) Theories

(30:40 and throughout)

• Tosh posits (repeatedly) that birds aim to poop on people, seeking Adam’s professional take on it.

  “I feel like when I watch like seagulls and stuff, or pelicans fly over a group of surfers, I feel like they hold it and… then they wait to fire.”
  — Daniel Tosh (30:53)
  Adam agrees there may be stress-induced aiming, but notes there’s no definitive answer.

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5. Bird Care Tips & Urban Wildlife Issues

(51:30–53:37)

• Adam advises how to help a bird that’s hit a window: place in a quiet, dark box on a towel—don’t use a damp towel.
• Explains that hummingbirds enter “torpor” to recover from shock; warmth helps revive them.

6. Gifts & Drum Circles

(55:04–56:02)

• Tosh gifts Adam a cajon drum (which doubles as a potential barn owl box) and a whirlybird toy, and briefly brings his pig, Panda, into the studio.

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Notable Timestamps

• 13:07 — Adam and his birds join the show
• 16:07 — Adam’s upbringing, first steps toward falconry
• 21:17 — Falconry as hunting; legalities
• 24:25 — How to trap a wild raptor for falconry
• 28:47 — Falcon hood explanation
• 33:10 — Daily routine training/flying birds
• 37:16 — Explaining tiers of falconer services
• 47:36 — Birds as working animals, not pets
• 48:53 — “Owls are not smart” discussion
• 51:30 — Bird window-strikes: first-aid advice

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Entertaining Exchanges

• On falcons and football helmets:

  “Falcons can smash and they don’t get concussed… I don’t know if they’re going to try to inject falcon gel into players' heads.”
  — Daniel Tosh (34:40)

• On own animals:

  “Everything you have involves, like, needing to go fucking four country miles.”
  — Daniel Tosh (53:48)
  “I’ll stay with where I’m at.”
  — Adam, dodging Tosh’s matchmaking (54:25)

• On the “wing bearer” wedding service:

  “We call it a... the wing bearer package.”
  — Adam (44:09)
  “So they have to have like one of your scissor cut mice up there?”
  — Daniel Tosh (44:16)
  “Actually, yes, they do.”
  — Adam (44:18)

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Conclusion

Daniel Tosh delivers another off-the-wall, yet thoughtfully informative episode, bringing listeners into the little-known world of falconry. With Adam Baz’s expertise, we learn the rules, realities, and rampant myths of working with raptors. The episode showcases both Tosh’s relentless pursuit of bizarre questions and Adam’s dry wit and deep knowledge, resulting in a delightful, slightly chaotic, and unexpectedly educational podcast hour.

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Transcript

[Daniel Tosh]

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[Daniel Tosh]

Hey guys, it's me, Daniel. Do me a solid. I don't ask for a lot, but like and subscribe to this podcast also you could rate it highly. I would appreciate, maybe even write a review. Maybe we become best friends. Here's a. You're not gonna know the answer to this and it's just so juvenile, but I believe I've had a mental theory for a long time that birds try to on people.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Why did you insist that I wouldn't know the answer to that?

[Daniel Tosh]

Tosh show. Posh show. Tosh show for show. Hey guys, it's me, Daniel Tosh and welcome to Eating Chicken Fingers.

[Eddie]

Chicken Fingers Eatin Time.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's the only podcast where I invite guests on and we eat mild chicken fingers.

[Eddie]

Maybe not even sauces to dip them in.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

And we just see how long until they break. Oh man, it is good to be here. Back in Malibu, where'd you go? I'll tell you where I went, Eddie. I left the comforts of Malibu and headed up to Solvang. Now, I don't know if you've ever been to Solvang or if you've ever heard of Solvang before, but if you're new to this podcast, you're gonna need to know I love California. And. And there's just all these places in California that are so ridiculous but completely different and bonkers from other places. Now, Solvang is a. What is it? It's a Danish community. You know, it's just the most quaint little town you've ever been in. There was a cuckoo clock store Big sign in the cuckoo clock store to not take any photos. Like, I'm going to take a photo. I took a photo. I also asked the lady that worked there. I was like, so do you. You have to set these every day or do you stop them? Who's winding these things? I wanted to stay till the hour to see, to watch, you know, 200 cuckoo clocks go off at the same time. I didn't feel like waiting four minutes. I hear at Christmas it's just heavenly. You ever been?

[Eddie]

I have been, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

You've been to Solvang?

[Eddie]

I've been to Solvang.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you. Did you have a good experience?

[Eddie]

Yeah, it's beautiful.

[Daniel Tosh]

What time of year?

[Eddie]

I think it was like, October.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. Were they setting up for the holidays?

[Eddie]

Not setting up yet. I didn't notice any kind of holiday.

[Daniel Tosh]

Where did you stay?

[Eddie]

It was like one of those. We go live with other people in the house. They feed. What is it, a cult?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No, not a cult.

[Pete]

I think you're thinking of a cult.

[Daniel Tosh]

What are you talking about? Living with other people in the house?

[Eddie]

It's a bed and breakfast.

[Daniel Tosh]

Bed and breakfast. That's what you're thinking of. But I went up there for. For my wife's cousin Amanda, her birthday. We had a birthday party for her up there at Alisol Ranch. And this is a horse ranch. Now, normally, I think that you'd pay less money to be near a barn and the animals right in your backyard of your hotel room, but here they charge you just a fortune to just be amongst it. Anyway, it was nice. Now, I rented our hotel room for two nights, but you get a third night free. I stayed one night. Well, I don't like to do things too long. So I went up. I took the family up, and we went up there in the afternoon and we went to an early dinner. By the way, the dinner, you have to wear a sports coat, and I wore my Stetson hat. They pride themselves on tradition of yesteryear. You get to the restaurant and the food's good enough. The restaurant's a little banquet y hall. And then they're like, oh, what's your name? And I'm like, oh, I'd like to sit by the fireplace. You're gonna sit where your table is. And then I find out that it's. This is your table for your entire stay. Meals are included. Now, while the hotel rate is exorbitant, everything is included. And when I say everything, they won't let you tip them, like at the restaurant. Anything more, you just. It's all included. 22%, I believe, is included. Probably wouldn't have gone that much, but whatever. So this is your table. I've never been on a cruise ship, but it felt like that. So tomorrow at breakfast, I'm gonna have the same people sitting around us. You get it?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

So you gotta, like, get to know people. Community. No, I don't like that. I'm not getting to know anybody. So, anyway, I left after one night, but I did a full. I went up there in the afternoon, did that night. You know, they had a outdoor movie theater for the kids with popcorn. You know, we went swimming in the pool. That was fun. You know, Amanda's riding horses everywhere, and I stay the whole next day into the evening. And then we're gonna drive back when it's the kid's bedtime. That's my say.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

So.

[Daniel Tosh]

It was almost like a day and a half, but only slept one. It doesn't matter. I went to a rodeo. It was the last rodeo of the season up at Alisol Ranch. And I've never been to a rodeo, as you probably could guess. But I dressed up in my western wear, and it was like, you know, a cool 91 degrees out. So that's just uncomfortable. It was fun. You know, they. They wanted the kids. They let kids do an event, and that was fun. They ran out there. I just kept saying things that were inappropriate, and my wife was getting upset. She's like, well, I would just. The people around me definitely could hear. I just kept saying, so this is a rodeo. How long do I have to stay here before I stop caring about women's reproductive rights? You know, it's stuff like that. I'm poking the bear.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm with the people. But I mean, is it fun? Sure. If you've never experienced actual fun, I will say this. Was it fun? No, not at all. But when the horses run really fast, they did some sprint race back and forth, and one horse was just so much faster than everyone else. When it ran by, I was like, oh, wow, that is. That is impressive. That is a beautiful animal going way too fast. They asked Amanda to be in it. She was going to herd some cattle or something for time. The lassoing, you know, where they. One person lassos the front, the horns, and then the other person gets the back legs. And you get points if you get. You have to get both horns and then both back legs, or there's deductions for whatever. But what I learned, and maybe this was just a bad rodeo, is that they're not very Good at it. You know, a lot of, a lot of unsuccessful attempts. And then occasionally when somebody would get one, you're like, whoa, that was amazing. I ate a lot of pastries while I was there. The little Danish pancakes, they're real proud of those. But then the hotel is famous, says, it says that they have famous donuts. So in the morning it's, you know, you can just take what you want, everything's included. So I just asked for a to go box and just stacked up half dozen donuts and went back to my room. That's exactly what I did. I might have only been there one night, but I ate three days worth of donuts. That's what I was telling the person when I was taking all the donuts. I was like, just so you know, I have the room for three days, but I'm only gonna be here one morning. He's like, hey, you can take as many donuts as you want. I'm like, well, you gotta justify it. Felt like you were looking at me. May look like a lot. I saw a lot of animals though while I was there. I tried, I talked to them. I, I said, listen, if I bring my pig up here and just set him over the top of the fence here and walk away, you guys aren't going to get rid of it, right? You're going to keep it. And they're like, well, we, we, you can't do that. And I go, of course you can't do that, but I'm not going to go to jail for doing it. Right, right. And you're going to take care of my. Because I was trying to get rid of my pig because they had a whole, they had, they had so many animals. They had two mini cows and by mini cows, they're still 500 pounds. They're beautiful. You could talk me into getting a mini cow, bunch of rabbits. There was a beautiful albino rabbit that I played with. Saw some predators while I was there. There was a bobcat just stalking my front lawn at the hotel. Speaking of predators, today's guest. Whoo hoo. Enjoy. Eddie, you've owned a number of domain names over the years for various businesses you wanted to get running. Now you never got them off the ground because you're lazy. But none of those businesses took off because you didn't know how to run an online business. Well, the future is here, thanks to Shopify. With Shopify, you can easily build a website with one of their many ready to go templates to to match your brand style. They have AI tools. It can enhance your product's photos, write product descriptions, generate discount codes, take over your finances and if people haven't heard about your brand, Shopify can help find your customers with easy to run email and social media campaigns. I have a business degree from the University of Central Florida in Orlando and I can tell you customers are important to a business. Shopify is always around to share advice with their award winning 24. 7 customer support. But only use this for business related questions. They're not around to help you decide where to eat. Now you're wasting people's time. Turn those dreams into and give them the best shot at success with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com tosh shopify.com tosh okay, time for our weekly standup comedy wrap up.

[Will]

Alex. I didn't get to any stage shows, but I did switch to T Mobile with their new Family Freedom offer.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, I'm waiting for the punchline.

[Will]

Well, my old phone bill with AT&T was a joke, so I'm doing a whole new bit with T Mobile. They paid off my family's four phones up to $3200 and gave us four new phones on the house.

[Daniel Tosh]

I gotta work this into my routine.

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[Interviewer]

I've got Dan Morgan here on the pod. Say hi Dan.

[Dan Morgan]

Hey, how's it going today?

[Interviewer]

It's going good, man. Tell us who you are and what you do.

[Dan Morgan]

I'm Dan Morgan. I'm an attorney and a managing partner at Morgan and Morgan, which is America's largest injury law firm.

[Interviewer]

That's pretty awesome. I think I saw a billboard of yours recently that said 20 billion. 120 billion is an insane number.

[Dan Morgan]

Yeah, 20 billion recovered. It's actually, I think somewhere north. Probably closer to 22, 23 after this year. And each year we get bigger and badder and our army grows. So the number will hopefully keep getting bigger and bigger as time goes on.

[Interviewer]

Awesome. So how does someone get in contact with Morgan and Morgan what would I do if I got into an accident?

[Dan Morgan]

Probably the easiest way is dialing pound law. That's £529 from your cell phone. We are always open. Our call center is always waiting to take your call. 247 365.

[Daniel Tosh]

Wow.

[Interviewer]

Dan Morgan from Morgan and Morgan, America's largest injury law firm. Thanks for coming by the show.

[Dan Morgan]

Thanks for having me. Visit forthepeople.com for an office near you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Pa show. My guest today has a job that's 50% bird training and 50% convincing people that his raptors will not peck their eyes out. Please welcome professional falconer Adam and whatever his al's name is.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Thank you.

[Daniel Tosh]

What is your ozzy?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Owl's name is Ozzy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good name for your owl.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I have a hawk also with me.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's his name?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Jasper.

[Daniel Tosh]

Jasper?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

How long. How old's Jasper?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Jasper is 7.

[Daniel Tosh]

How old do falcons get?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

All these birds, I'd say in the wild live maybe eight to 12 years, but in captivity, 30, 35.

[Daniel Tosh]

I always like it when it goes that direction.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah. It's better than the other way around.

[Daniel Tosh]

It makes you feel so much better.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Agreed.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, but you hear about, like, an orca and you're like, oh, they live 50 years in the wild and two in captivity.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Right? Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know that. I don't know if that's true or not. That might have been a bad example. Nothing I ever say is factual. I always have to point that out.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I think you're right. I think that that sounds like something I've heard before.

[Daniel Tosh]

First question, do you believe in ghosts?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I do not. No. Hard no on that one.

[Daniel Tosh]

Ooh, hard. I haven't had a hard no in a while.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's refreshing to talk to the sane. Yet you're a birdman. I want you to know I too, am a birdman. Okay.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

It's nice to meet you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I've got chickens.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Oh, same. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I've got one silky and two showgirls.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

What's a showgirl?

[Daniel Tosh]

Showgirls are very much similar to silkies, but they have a bald neck and then like a big amount of hair at the top. Hence the name showgirls.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Got it.

[Daniel Tosh]

You know, they're smaller eggs, but they do the job.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Now, I'm sure you know because you've probably listened to every episode I've had, but one of my. One of my showgirls was killed by a hawk.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Oh, okay. So this is. This is kind of personal, this interview a little bit. Okay. I didn't know What I was stepping into.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I'm just gonna. I'm giving you all the information up front. I have in my backyard this one huge tree in an adjacent property, not mine. A couple hawks live.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah. We have chickens also, and we have a lot of hawks. Well, I have, obviously hawks, but also wild hawks in the neighborhood. And we kind of just going into it, knew it was gonna be like a let be type situation.

[Daniel Tosh]

Have you lost a chicken?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

We have lost four. None to hawks, all to coyotes, unfortunately.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. The coyotes, oddly so stupid, don't come to my front yard ever. Always in my backyard. They can't mess with my pig. My pig's too big. Can't mess with my dog. My dog's monster. But. But the chickens.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Chickens are in the front and they're loose.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, almost all day, every day.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

And the coyotes fenced in, I assume it is.

[Daniel Tosh]

But they can climb any fence.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah, but I guess coyotes don't like to feel trapped, like they'll go into something, but if they feel like they'd be stuck in that environment and they don't have an easy way of escaping, they're hesitant. We didn't. We've never had a coyote get into our farm, but we have had chickens get out, and then the coyotes kill them on the street. So sadly, we had six chickens. The four smartest chickens, which were the ones that were able to figure out how to get out, all got killed. So we're left with the two dumbest chickens. We.

[Daniel Tosh]

Ignorance is bliss.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah. So, yeah, that's where we're at. It's pretty cool farm.

[Daniel Tosh]

Where did you grow up?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I grew up in upstate New York.

[Daniel Tosh]

What was childhood like?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

It was a little boring.

[Daniel Tosh]

Siblings.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I have siblings. That's not why it was boring.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, no, I didn't. I didn't piece that together.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah, I do. I have. I have two sisters. I grew up in, like, a rural area in upstate New York. I was, like, a punk skateboarder troublemaker. I was bored. You know, it was like corn fields and dairy farms, and I just wanted to be in an urban environment. Had no interest in the outdoors whatsoever. My dad is a fly fisherman, so I think kind of from early on, there was something in there. I always say, like, falconry is a little similar to fly fishing in some ways.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you know how to fly fish?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

A little bit. I've learned from him. But it's hard.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, of course it's hard. Almost, I would say, impossible. I'd like to visually just watch it, actually. I like to just see one person Doing it. And then I think in theory, I always think it'd be funny just to come wading out next to him and just talk to him.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Just ruin their. Like people go out just to be alone in the stream and then you're just there.

[Daniel Tosh]

I just want to say hi.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Microphone.

[Daniel Tosh]

Hey, you look like you're doing pretty good. When did you head out west after college?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Whenever that was.

[Daniel Tosh]

Where'd you go to college?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Bard College. It's like a small liberal arts school in upstate New York.

[Daniel Tosh]

Also in the middle of nowhere.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I could walk to it from my parents house.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah. So I was like. When I graduated, I went to reluctantly but unregrettably went to a small college that was in the town I grew up in. Then immediately when I graduated was like, I gotta get as far away as possible. Move to Portland, Oregon. That's where I kind of started getting into the outdoors, I guess. Fitting place, you know, beautiful. I started hiking.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean where you lived was also.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Oh yeah, absolutely. But it's in a different way.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yes.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah, it's more agricultural, like pastoral. The, you know, the Pacific Northwest is like old mountains, like raw nature, beauty.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you major in falconry or.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No, it's not a thing. No, that's not a thing. No, I didn't. In undergrad I studied art and political, just basically two made up majors. The whole falconry, bird thing is all later in life. I worked as a bird biologist for nine years. That's how I kind of got into falconry was through biology and conservation. How I got into bird biology was honestly, I think I just had a crazy mushroom trip one time in the woods and was realized that birds were beautiful and they could fly and they can sing and they're colorful and enigmatic and they just come and they disappear. And I got kind of totally obsessed with the idea of learning how to identify them. So I started bird watching as a hobby. I have a little bit of an obsessive personality, so I get really into things and then that kind of led to falconry. But. Sorry, there's a. Really. To answer your question, I did eventually go back to grad school and I did get my degree in ornithology, which is the biology of birds.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do I have to keep saying raptor or can I just say bird?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Well, it's up to you. But yeah, raptor is the correct term that that includes falcons, hawks, owls and eagles. So falconry is specifically relegated to flying predatory birds, birds of prey, raptors.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you ever have a bird as.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

A pet prior to this Nope.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. Because there is a. There's a distinct line between, like, bird watching and people that have birds as pets. I've always felt. Yeah, I always felt there's a real line there.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

There's a leap. Yeah. No, I don't know. I honestly. I was working as a bird biologist and I heard an interview on NPR with a falconer who was working professionally as a falconer, and that really kind of appealed to me. And at the time, I was, you know, it was like the age where all of my friends were becoming freelancers. You know, it was like the gig economy was huge, and I was working in an office as a biologist, crunching numbers and writing up reports, and it was meaningful work, but I was in an office and I wanted to be outside. That's why I got into bird watching, was to be outside. So falconry seemed like a really compelling idea. And then I just kind of dove right in.

[Daniel Tosh]

You weren't one of those weirdos whose favorite comic book character was Hawkeye, were you?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No. I don't even know what that was.

[Daniel Tosh]

He's Jeremy Renner. Right. Jeremy Renner was Hawkeye. He never had his own Marvel movie, but he was a character that had a bow and arrows. Made no sense. Yeah, there's one season of his show. It was canceled. The only thing I know about Jeremy Renner is he's the guy up in Tahoe that got ran over by a snowblower.

[Eddie]

His snowblower got out.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. It was a tragic story. He milked it for a long time, though, if I'm being honest. By the way, I don't know anything about the Hawkeye franchise. Eddie the dork over there?

[Eddie]

Nah, that's John.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't deflect to another dork.

[Eddie]

Nah, another dork gets us going.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Own it. You gotta own it.

[Daniel Tosh]

You were a drummer in a band?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

You played in multiple bands?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yep. In Portland. I played music. I did that. That was kind of what I tried to do career wise for about eight or ten years, and then.

[Daniel Tosh]

See, I can't believe that you gave up being a drummer for the financial security of falconry.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

You'd be surprised. Well, you think drummers make a lot of money?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I just didn't.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Neither do Falcons.

[Daniel Tosh]

The transition seems almost absurd.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

That's fair.

[Daniel Tosh]

How bad was your band if you had a switch from being a drummer to falconry?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No, it's just my falconry is really good. That's the thing.

[Daniel Tosh]

Ah. You were originally drawn to a falconry because of the hunting aspect. Are you a hunter?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I am But I wasn't previously. I guess this is important. I think this is important to know that is the definition of falconry. At its core. Falconry is a hunting sport, and it's been that way for 5,000 years. So you can't really get into falconry and not also hunt, legally speaking. And in terms of the way that this is all regulated and the way our licenses come from, to own these birds, it's as a hunting sport through the Department of Fish and Wildlife. So you have to have a hunting license, you have to have a falconry license. And it is basically encouraged, if not required, that you hunt with your birds, at least for the first two years.

[Daniel Tosh]

Where do you go hunting here in Los Angeles with your birds?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Not really in the city. I go out kind of near Joshua Tree or mostly up near Bishop.

[Daniel Tosh]

And why do the birds come back there? I'm gonna start with real some dumb questions.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Why do they come back?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Why don't you just be like, all right, thanks. Fucking asshole, I'm gone?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Well, sometimes they do.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do they?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

They absolutely could.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, but they could. Of course they can. But do they?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I've never had a bird voluntarily fly away. I have kind of temporarily lost birds. But I guess the short answer to your question is it's a combination of trust and food. Mm. They trust that I'm not gonna hurt them, and I'm benevolent. But more than anything, they trust that I'm going to feed them consistently and regularly. By the way, that's one of the reasons that they can live to 30 years in captivity versus 12 years in the wild. And they're not necessarily the smartest animals in the world, but I think they're smart enough to know that they kind of have a good thing going on.

[Daniel Tosh]

How long do you train a bird? Are you always training?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Kind of always training. Okay. I mean, that's kind of my philosophy on training animals in general, whether it's my dog or the horse or the birds, is you're always training. Because if you're not actively training, you're just undoing the training that you did. I have a pretty well trained dog, and so people have asked me over the years, like, oh, could you train my dog? Or what do you think about this trainer? I was going to send my dog off to, like, a six week intensive training program, and there's no harm. But the problem is you could have your dog trained to the nines at a facility, and then you bring it home, and if you start cutting corners and you don't reinforce that training, I Mean, dogs are smart animals and all animals are opportunistic and they will find ways to circumvent the training. And that training doesn't just stick permanently. Like you have to constantly reinforce it.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's why. That's why I don't even bother. Yeah, Carl. I just let him. I'm like, what? He's bit my kids, both of them, but both times it was their fault. So I was like, I don't care. Yeah, like, they. Like, one time, my daughter, like, was a year and a half old, she's like, I was like, oh, it was so good that you put his food down. And then. So then she went to, while he was eating his food, to grab his food away, to do it again, to put it down again, because she wanted the reward. And then he just bit her. And I'm like, good for you, Carl. Get away from his food now that you put it down.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Got it right.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's not his fault anyway. I mean, it wasn't hard. He latched on. He let her know, like, hey, get away from me. Maybe I shouldn't say that. It doesn't matter. My point is, I agree with you. You gotta constantly train him. And I don't do that. So it's on me.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

But to answer your original question, I guess, was it how long it takes to train the bird or how long I train them? Like the base level training, meaning you get a bird that's essentially wild, totally untamed, untrained, doesn't know you from the next guy. It could be anywhere from three weeks to three months. It's pretty fast.

[Daniel Tosh]

Where do you get a falcon from any of these raptors? Where do you buy?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I buy them from federally licensed breeding programs. But you can trap wild birds as well?

[Daniel Tosh]

You can trap?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yep. And you need a permit, a license to do this. Just to be clear and to get that, you have to do a two year training program, an apprenticeship. But during that first two years, you're actually required to trap a wild bird. You have to start with a wild hawk after you complete it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Joining a gang.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

It is a little bit. There's like, there's an initiation kind of a situation. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I've never been in a gang, but I'm just guessing. Yeah, I've seen movies.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

So you trapped a wild bird?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah. My first bird was a red tailed hawk.

[Daniel Tosh]

How'd you trap it?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

It's called a balshatri trap. The best way to think of it is like a shoebox that's made out of heavy duty chicken wire and A.

[Daniel Tosh]

Little stick and rope on it.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Not quite. So you put a live mouse inside, and then you tie a bunch of little slipknots with string or fishing line all over the outside, and you find a bird that you want to and are legally allowed to trap, and you drop the box out of your car. Usually it's on a farm road. I did it up in Oregon.

[Pete]

And.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

And then you drive away and you go a couple blocks down and you sit with your binoculars looking back at the trap. And if the bird's hungry, which they usually are, wild birds are always hungry, basically, they'll come down trying to get to the mice, and then they get temporarily stuck on the trap. And then you peel around and go and just basically dive on the whole mess and grab them.

[Daniel Tosh]

And is that. Is that interaction, Is that fun or terrifying?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Both.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I mean, it's fun and terrifying for me. I would say it's probably just terrifying for the bird.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, yeah.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

First few days, I won't lie, are terrifying for the bird. The way that you bring them home, this is just kind of like one of these things that's taken for granted. It's just a normal thing to do in the falconry community. But when I tell people this who are outside of the falconry community, they think it's just a really bizarre thing, which is that when you get your bird and you remove them from the trap, you need to get them home somehow. And they're not just going to sit calmly on your passenger seat because they're a wild hawk.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

So we generally take a pair of pantyhose and we cut off the ankle, basically make a tube, and you just slip it over the bird. So they're just kind of like stuck in women's pantyhose like this. And then you just sit them on the passenger seat of your car. So, like, I remember that very vividly, like, driving home and there's just a hawk staring up at me in pantyhose. You know, it's like a very bizarre.

[Daniel Tosh]

Imagine getting pulled over right there and explaining all of this. No, no. You have to understand. You have to put pantyhose over this live hawk that I just caught. I've got a license, I'm totally trained.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

But the hawk's terrified. You know, I mean, they're not, but they very quickly, within like two to three days, start to trust you and lose the fear. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Cause they're eating good now. Yeah, exactly. They're no longer eating rodents that have been poisoned by, you know, God knows What people are trying to do. And I take responsibility for that. Cause I have an owl box and I got a barn owl that lives in it.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Oh, nice.

[Daniel Tosh]

So then I had to stop using the rodents, you know, poison on the rats because now it's gonna kill the owl. You get it? I don't have to say it to you, you understand?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

While it's good of you and you gotta say it to your audience, it's.

[Daniel Tosh]

Important I can say it to my audience. Listen, guys, I'm sure you've got acreage. How much does a. From a breeder, one of these birds cost? Ish.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

800 to 5000 in the United States, but most of them are like maybe 1 to 2000.

[Daniel Tosh]

Can I capture a pelican legally?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, God damn it.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

And nor can I, by the way.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, I bet you could, though.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No, I can't. I cannot.

[Daniel Tosh]

I know. You know how you catch a pelican different from. From a falcon is you sit on a pier, you start talking slowly, but.

[Eddie]

He'S up to you.

[Daniel Tosh]

You get fishing, eventually he'll come on over. I've always wanted a pelican. I think they're awesome. Might be my favorite animal. That doesn't matter. How hard is it to get a permit?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

It's pretty hard.

[Daniel Tosh]

Besides having to catch one in the wild, that part seems to.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

You have to do a two year to become a falconer. You have to do a two year training program. To start the two year training program, you have to pass this, like, comprehensive written exam, kind of like, I guess the sats for falconry.

[Daniel Tosh]

There's no way I could get a falcon. What's the old timey leather football helmet birds have to wear?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Oh, gosh, I should have brought one. Well, it's called a hood. Basically, the hood is a very traditional piece of falconry equipment. It's a set of blinders. It's a blindfold. And birds in general, but especially birds of prey, have exceptional vision. They can see maybe 8 to 12 times better than us. And so a lot of their brain activity is busy processing visual information. And so it gets fatiguing, you know, it can get. They can get overwhelmed and overstimulated, especially in an urban environment.

[Daniel Tosh]

Got it.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

And so the hood helps them relax, basically.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I only use them on birds if they show me that they need it. You know, some birds are calm. I have a falcon at home. I didn't bring her today, but she's a great bird. She's just really high strung, you know, very fast, kind of anxious bird. And so she has to wear the hood anytime she's in transport.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, what birds, what raptors are you bringing out right now?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Let's bring out the hawk first.

[Daniel Tosh]

Jasper.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Jasper.

[Daniel Tosh]

Jasper's coming out.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

All right. I'm gonna try to keep him from pooping somewhere.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, well, don't worry about that. If that happens, it happens.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

So this is what if, right when you open it, just all hell breaks loose.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

This is the last Tosh show ever.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, I would love to go out this. Oh, fuck you. That thing is real?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah. So this is Jasper and he's a type of hawk called a Harris's hawk.

[Daniel Tosh]

Uh huh. You keep a leash on their foot at all times?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Well, not when I'm flying them. This just gives me something to hold onto when I don't need to fly him. Obviously when I fly him, I take it all off. Oh.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man. I didn't know it was going to be a projectile.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Shit. I'm so here. Do you want me to clean that up? You sure get it.

[Daniel Tosh]

But I almost hit an outlet. And what if he would have gotten electrocuted from that?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Is that possible? Come all the way back up.

[Daniel Tosh]

Here's a. You're not gonna know the answer to this and it's just so juvenile, but I believe I've had a mental theory for a long time that birds try to shit on people.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Why did you insist that I wouldn't know the answer to that?

[Daniel Tosh]

Well. Cause I don't think it's a real. Nobody's ever gonna spend money on this study. But I feel like when I watch like seagulls and stuff, or pelicans fly over a group of surfers, I feel like they hold it and. And then they wait to fire.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah. No, I don't know, like statistically the answer, but I think that there is some validity to that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I do think it's like, whether it's their aiming or it's a stress response. Birds absolutely do poop when they get upset.

[Daniel Tosh]

Like, I always think it's impressive that they can fly and shit. Like, that's just neat. Imagine if you were at a full sprint and having it just.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I've never tried it.

[Daniel Tosh]

I have, but it was. It was unfortunate.

[Eddie]

How far can the hawk see?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

That's a. That is kind, kind of the way people often frame that question, which is understandable, is how far can the bird see? The better way to think of it is how much better can the birds see? Because like, you know, if you're on a boat on the ocean, you can See, hypothetically, forever. You can see the curvature of the Earth. That's hundreds of miles away. You can definitely see more than 12 miles, right?

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, I don't know.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

You know, have you ever noticed that when you're on the ocean, I mean, you can see the horizon line is.

[Daniel Tosh]

Curved, the Earth is flat. Go on.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

So. But the difference is, like, he can see every little detail of every little ripple in the wave, you know, a mile away, whereas you can just see that maybe 30ft in front of you. And that's what allows them. When they're circling 500ft in the air and they look down at the ground, I mean, they have to be able to differentiate between a small brown mouse and a small brown pine cone and know when it's worth diving down and grabbing it, you know?

[Daniel Tosh]

So is there anything you should not do around?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I mean, generally, these are their weapons, their feet. This is how they kill their prey. He can squeeze about five to six times harder with his feet than I can with my hand. And I have a pretty firm.

[Daniel Tosh]

And he won't squeeze your hand?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No, I mean, he doesn't like this. And if I keep doing it, see, he kind of stomps and he'll. He'll growl. You hear him growling?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

He's letting me know he doesn't appreciate it.

[Daniel Tosh]

So we're doing it.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

But my point is. Oh, he wants to sit up here. My point is, he's not aggressive. But, yeah, I mean, generally, you shouldn't touch their feet. All right, you done, Jasper?

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, Jasper. Thanks for shitting on us. Look at that. If he fired one off on this table. How often do you have to fly your birds?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I try to fly them every day.

[Daniel Tosh]

Every day they're supposed to fly. And you just. So your neighbors just fucking hate you. How does this work? You just have crazy animals flying out your backyard all day?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I never. I don't. I rarely fly them at my house.

[Daniel Tosh]

You go someplace every day?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah, because. For a couple reasons. One is this is my job, so I don't really. If I can help it. I get paid to fly them. So I. You know, that's just. So I figure if. If I need to train a bird, I might as well bring it and get paid to do it somewhere. So I don't fly them at home that often because wherever you feed them, they will start screaming and begging. And I try to keep it quiet at the house. So if I was to feed them every single day in my backyard, they would be loud.

[Daniel Tosh]

They'd be screaming, are you Allowed to have them at your house.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Oh yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Even though.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Okay, yeah, yeah, it's all inspected. They send a warden from the fish and game department, comes to your house, comes to the house.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's gotta confuse your neighbors too.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

And they're no joke. I mean they're bulletproof vests. They're heavily militarized, like wildlife.

[Daniel Tosh]

I've seen Yellowstone. Yeah, I know what the fishing game does. They fucking kill tourists from California. That's their whole job. Falcons, they could do. They go 200 miles an hour.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Peregrine falcons have been clocked I think that high, but it's not in a natural setting.

[Daniel Tosh]

What is it, a vacuum? Where are they getting up to 200?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

They were dropped out of an airplane at a really high altitude. So it's like a totally contrived. It wouldn't happen in nature. In the natural world. Peregrine falcons, which are the fastest animals in the world, they can dive over 150 miles per hour.

[Daniel Tosh]

And they dive and then they just smash into their prey, killing their prey. And they have something on their brain or skull that allows them to absorb such a shock without them being basically killed when they crush into things. So much so that I don't know if you're familiar that Football now has been studying them for CTE and their concussions. I don't know if they're going to try to inject falcon gel into players heads. But they've got to come up with some scenario where these people can. Because falcons can smash and they don't get concussed or anything.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah, you're 90% right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Thank you.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

That's only 10% wrong.

[Daniel Tosh]

As long as I was 90, by.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

The way, I've never, and that's a generous 90%.

[Daniel Tosh]

I've never been 90% right about anything that I've regurgitated from someone else in my life.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Okay. So yes, falcons do collide with their prey at high speeds and they are I guess an anatomically engineered to help with that. But they hit with their feet. You're thinking of woodpeckers which excavate holes in trees with their beaks. So they just repeatedly smash their head into hard wood. And so football helmets are engineered based on like the specific angles and structure of woodpecker skulls.

[Daniel Tosh]

I certainly wasn't thinking of woodpecker. I got bad intel. I got bad intel. Such a different.

[Eddie]

Just jump falcon to woodpecker, whatever.

[Daniel Tosh]

You ever fucked with a woodpecker?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I do fuck with woodpeckers. I have fucked with woodpeckers. My master's thesis in grad school was on woodpeckers.

[Daniel Tosh]

Does hanging a CD on the side of your house actually prevent them from coming back?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

It could help, but probably not.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah, hiring a falconer would help. Well, what's a little business plug there?

[Daniel Tosh]

That's fine. Let's talk about your business because it's, you know, many tiers. You do education with children, you can hire you to get rid of rodents or. Not rodents, other birds.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Other birds, mostly. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

And what are the other things that I'm missing?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Basically the photo and film industry.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. A rap video. Because Lord knows you want a fucking falcon. But my question is, is the rate the same for all three of those things or is it different?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

It's tiered. I mean, I try to make. The cheapest of all of them is the education. The education. Because I believe in it. And I have. So I have, like, on my website, you can sign up for these interactive falconry experiences. So I have a lot of families that come. They bring their kids or that's maybe a couple celebrating an anniversary or birthday. I try to make that affordable because it's fun to do and I want people to get to meet them.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's the rate for that?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Usually a private session is about $400.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, guess what, guys? I'm going to hire. I'm going to hire Adam for. For my son's elementary school.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Daniel Tosh]

There we go. That's the first thing I'm doing now. There's a new principal there, so she's probably not gonna be thrilled with this.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Why not?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know. Because as soon as you tell a new person in charge, hey, we're gonna have these raptors on campus. You might wanna not wear loose clothing that day. Has any kids ever gotten hurt from your demonstrations?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No. I mean, the birds are really well trained. And obviously I wouldn't ever bring a bird that was anything other than well trained into a situation like that.

[Daniel Tosh]

You call your company. Hawk on hand. Do you have any clever slogans about two in the bush?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No. Thank you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, all right.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I'll be going home and editing my website immediately.

[Daniel Tosh]

When I used to do a TV show, I always hated using real animals because I always felt bad for the animals when they came on. One time I had a kangaroo on set, and that handler was basically just all day long having to fight this kangaroo. I'm like, all right, Jesus, bouncer at a bar.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I get it.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, I think it was intense. It was intense to watch.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

That feels like it's so out of place for the kangaroo, which I guess you can make the same argument about an owl in a rap video. But most of the time when I bring my birds to do music videos or commercials or photo shoots, people want them flying. And they're so well trained and they've grown up around humans. So, I mean, it's a little small in here, but, like, they'd fly happily in here, Just as happily in here as in the wild, you know, I mean. Cause they're flying, they're coming back to me. I'm giving them food. They're just doing what they've done every day their entire life. So it's not stressful for them.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's your food? What's your food of choice for them?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Mostly mice. And alive? No, no, frozen.

[Daniel Tosh]

And how do they eat this?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Frozen mice I cut up in little pieces.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, you're making me want to puke.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

With scissors.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm just. Oh, just got scissors. How could you get worse? It just got worse.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah, like, you know, meat. Heavy duty meat. Scissors.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm not good with that here. And I eat meat.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Well, I was vegan for about eight years, and then when I started eating.

[Daniel Tosh]

Meat, you got happy again.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I just was. I was like, I want to at least once participate in the process from beginning to end. Because it's weird and just kind of disembodied to just go to a grocery store and get this little plaque packaged thing in Saran wrap. You don't have to think about the.

[Daniel Tosh]

Fact you don't get your groceries delivered. Come on.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

It's true. Yeah. Let's add another level of removal.

[Daniel Tosh]

Thank you.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

You open your door. It's just right there.

[Daniel Tosh]

Perfectly open my door. My house will put it in.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

You have acreage, third levels.

[Daniel Tosh]

There's three levels. The pest control service, by the way. So who is hiring you?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I mostly do, like, pigeon, crow, and seagull control.

[Daniel Tosh]

Where. Who needs that removed?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Hotels, resorts, shopping centers. You know how California has a lot of these, like, outdoor plazas. Shopping centers.

[Daniel Tosh]

So outdoor shopping plaza hires you to come to get rid of their pigeon problem. Horizon. How often do you come and how long?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

It depends. But usually I would say like 8 to 12 times a month, couple times a week.

[Daniel Tosh]

You come a couple times a week.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

For just a few hours at a time.

[Daniel Tosh]

And pigeons are like, okay, we don't hang out here.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

You know, If I show up Monday, Wednesday and Friday for three hours at a time with falcons that are chasing and intimidating and scaring the pigeons, do they actually catch a Few pigeons, sometimes they can catch them, but the goal is not to kill them, it's just to haze them, scare them. And then, you know, over the course of several months those pigeons will just learn, you know, they don't want to build their nest there, they'll move elsewhere. So it's a very like, humane way of doing it because you're not necessarily eradicating the problem, you're just moving it. You're kind of honestly creating a problem for someone else.

[Daniel Tosh]

Uh huh. I know what you're doing.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Which it's a great business model on.

[Daniel Tosh]

The riff raff to go to the other side of the railroad tracks. How many professional falconers are there?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Couldn't tell you. I don't know.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, you guys ever have conferences?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Sometimes. There's not a lot of us and I don't go to them if we do sometimes.

[Daniel Tosh]

So they occasionally hang out. You're not on the chat rooms? There's not?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No, I kind of do my own thing.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you know any other local falconers?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I would guess there's maybe let's say 30 to 40 falconers in the greater LA area. Probably most of them, just because we live in a city, do work as falconers. But the rest of the country, I mean, let's say there's 5,000 falconers in the U.S. i would guess that 80% of them have no interest in working as a falconer. This is generally not a job, they're just hunting.

[Daniel Tosh]

What are they hunting for?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Sage grouse, rabbits, squirrels, ducks.

[Daniel Tosh]

And it's just a form of hunting that's entertaining for them versus like why is, why is that more effective than a gun?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

It's not. So falconry began 5,000 years ago. This was before we had invented guns and gunpowder. So at that time this was a pretty reasonable and legitimate way to catch food. Then with the advent of gunpowder, falconry became kind of eclipsed as like an actual survival tool. You know, it's a sport. People like fly fishing.

[Daniel Tosh]

Got it. I get it.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I mean it's enjoyable. You can't be good at it without deeply understanding the behavior of your birds and their prey and the whole ecosystem and the timing and you know, all of it. So it's a really kind of like holistic, I guess, undertaking. It's very enjoyable. It is not very efficient. You go out all the time and you don't catch things, but that's okay. I mean your worst day hunting as a falconer, you're walking with your dog and your bird through a field in the middle of Nowhere. You know, at dawn or something. I mean, it's pretty. Pretty beautiful moment and you just get to watch and listen and be a part of it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. But you and I both know that's the worst day. The worst day. You end up fucking fighting off a bear. Something. Yeah, it's not. Can't be fun. Did you watch the TV show Showgun?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yes. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

What was the bird that. He was.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

That was a falcon.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, he was obsessed with falcon and.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

That was kind of like more traditional falconry for sports.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you love that show?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I liked it. I wouldn't say I loved it, but I liked it.

[Daniel Tosh]

You didn't love it?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No, I thought it was good.

[Daniel Tosh]

How did you not love it? I just thought. I mean, she was the hottest chick I've ever seen in my life.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

[Daniel Tosh]

I just could. I just kept looking at my wife the whole time and just angry. Just angry. I was like, what are you talking. Look at her.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

How are you guys related in species? Are you in a relationship?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

How long you been dating?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Seven years.

[Daniel Tosh]

Married?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Not. Not quite. Oh.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are you interested?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah, of course.

[Daniel Tosh]

Don't show me. Of course. Seven years. At some point you got to do it.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I know.

[Eddie]

Will a hawk bring the rings to propose?

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that would be beautiful.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No, but I. That is a service I offer.

[Daniel Tosh]

Really? People want hawks at weddings?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah, some people. Not most people. I wouldn't. I don't. But. And no judgment to any clients out there, but yeah, I have like. We call it a. The wing bearer package.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

So they have to have like one of your scissor cut mice up there.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Actually. Actually, yes, they do.

[Daniel Tosh]

To lure it.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

They do. Yeah, they do.

[Daniel Tosh]

This episode of Tosh show is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. Let's map out this week's amazing destinations and travel tips.

[Will]

Honestly, Will, I didn't plan any trips, but I did switch to T Mobile with their new family freedom offer.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's not the itinerary we're following.

[Will]

Well, I'm departing from AT&T and embarking on a new journey with T Mobile. They paid off my family's four phones up to $3200 and gave us four new phones on the house.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Bon voyage.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

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[Interviewer]

I've got Dan Morgan here on the pod. Say hi, Dan.

[Daniel Tosh]

Hey.

[Dan Morgan]

How's it going today?

[Interviewer]

It's going good, man. Tell us who you are and what you do.

[Dan Morgan]

I'm Dan Morgan. I'm an attorney and a managing partner at Morgan and Morgan, which is America's largest injury law firm.

[Interviewer]

That's pretty awesome. I think I saw a billboard of yours recently. It said 20 billion one. 20 billion is an insane number.

[Dan Morgan]

Yeah, 20 billion recovered. It's actually, I think somewhere north. Probably closer to 22, 23 after this year. And each year we get bigger and badder and our army grows. So the number will hopefully keep getting bigger and bigger as time goes on.

[Interviewer]

Awesome. So how does someone get in contact with Morgan and Morgan? What would I do if I got into an accident?

[Dan Morgan]

Probably the easiest way is dialing pound law. That's £529 from your cell phone. We are always open. Our call center is always waiting to take your call. 247360 wow.

[Interviewer]

Dan Morgan from Morgan and Morgan, America's largest injury law firm. Thanks for coming by the show.

[Dan Morgan]

Thanks for having me. Visit forthepeople.com for an office near you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Pa show. What about the. What about the Eagles? Philadelphia Eagles? Eddie a big fan. Do you. Do you enjoy their pregame routine of their. Don't they have a bird flying around like an idiot?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No, I don't love. I'll be honest, I don't love that use of the birds.

[Daniel Tosh]

Thank you. I don't love it either.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Feels a little. That feels a little like you've gone a little too far.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right. You don't see the Dolphins parading a big old tank into the stadium, but.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I mean, to each their own. I try not to. You know, I don't go around the world judging the way other people do things unless it's outright cruelty. But that for me is like I don't just flying my birds in a stadium with 30,000 screaming people doesn't feel like.

[Daniel Tosh]

Listen, I couldn't agree more. The tush push also should be illegal. Do you consider your birds pets, or is it just a working relationship?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I don't. I don't consider them pets. I would. I kind of like to refer to them as working birds, working animals, because I think. Well, one. I don't ever want to be misleading and give the wrong impression to the general public that this is just some frivolous, easy thing to do and you want to. You know. You think it'd be great content for your TikTok videos to have an owl as a pet or something. I mean, they make horrible pets, and. And it's illegal. And so I want to be very careful not to romanticize it or anthropomorphize it, whatever the right term is, you know, in terms of them being pets. But also, they are not affectionate animals. They don't love me. They never will. They don't want to spend that much time with me. They don't dislike spending time with me, but they're just using me for food. And so if your goal is to have, like, a very affectionate relationship with an animal, this is not the group of animals for you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Jesus, man. It's got depressing.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

But that is a really important.

[Daniel Tosh]

I just. I wanted your falcons to love you. I don't know why.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I know a lot of people do know. They don't. They really don't.

[Daniel Tosh]

And Al. Is this Al up all night long?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No, he's kind of. We've kind of switched him over, so he's. He's not really nocturnal.

[Daniel Tosh]

Does he read? Why. Why are Al smart?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

They're not.

[Daniel Tosh]

They're not smart.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No. Honestly, it couldn't be further from the truth.

[Daniel Tosh]

They're dumb as shit. Good to hear.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah. That's like I always say, they have a. Owls have, like, a good publicity team, you know, Everybody thinks they're wise.

[Daniel Tosh]

Mm.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

They're really not very smart birds. Hawks and falcons are way smarter.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good to know.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

All day long.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's the fact of the day. I always like when I learn something because I'll say that for the rest of my life.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

You'll offend some people with that one. People love. I just. People love owls. I don't know why. People are always very drawn to owls.

[Daniel Tosh]

I hated the owl in Winnie the Pooh. He's always like a buzzkill. I was more of an Eeyore guy. Just like the moroseness. Oh, man.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yep. There's Ozzy.

[Daniel Tosh]

You know that to just people that don't experience this at all, it's just terrifying.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Is it yeah, it's just, like, terrifying.

[Daniel Tosh]

I've never been this close to an owl in my life. Should I pet him or.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No, you can pet him.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Look at. That's as soft as it gets. We're good. We're done petting. I'm not afraid of him, but he's. Yeah, I am.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

He elicits different, stronger responses from people. I mean, the eye contact and just the intensity. Some people find it adorable, some people find it terrifying. Maybe a combination of both. Yeah. He's actually the. Honestly, he's the most probably docile bird I have. And I've raised him since he was a baby, so I'm kind of all he's ever known.

[Daniel Tosh]

And when you have to commit to this for 30 years. Jeez, you imagine showing up at somebody's house and you fucking see a goddamn owl. You'd lose your mind. That is so. That is, like, the most majestic thing ever. There's an argument that that's better looking than an eagle.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

A lot of people think so. They almost don't look real. They're just. There's not really any other animal that looks like them. And humans have been drawn to owls for thousands of years because of all the birds, they look the most like us. This is why people think owls are wise, by the way. Because his eyes are on the front of his face on the same plane.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Like a primate. The other birds, almost every other bird, their eyes are on the side, which is more reptilian.

[Daniel Tosh]

Does that work with birds as where you start to look like your owner? Because I'm starting to look at you right now. I'm like.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

You're like a little bird.

[Daniel Tosh]

Like, he might look like an owl.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, they look similar.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Eddie]

Tootsie Roll pops.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

That's all he eats. Yeah. Oh, he wants to fly. So I might.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do your thing.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Toss him back in.

[Daniel Tosh]

Put him in his thing. Sorry. Thanks for coming out there, Ozzy. Look at Ozzy. That's as pretty as it gets. I've. I got too much glass in my house. And don't say I should put stickers on my windows. Cause I'm not gonna do that. All right. But occasionally, and by occasionally, I mean way too often, I hear the thud.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I have successfully brought so many birds back to life. Now tell me if what I'm doing is completely wrong. I take a damp towel and I lay it over them for like an hour. And then I take it off and they fly away.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I wouldn't make it damp. I would just put a towel. I would Put your clothes. I mean, look, if you're bringing them back to life.

[Daniel Tosh]

Not always. Not always. Sometimes I'm taking a sad trip.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

You have a bird that has hit a window or hit by a car and it's stunned. Point being, if you find a bird on the ground, something's amiss, it's not flying away immediately. Generally the best thing to do is put a towel in a little cardboard box, put the bird in the. In the box on the towel, and just put it somewhere safe and quiet and dark. Not in your home, just, you know, maybe up on a fence, under a tree, in the shade. Point is, you want to get it away from predators like cats or other birds or raccoons and just let it be. And oftentimes they're just in shock.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm always shocked at how many hummingbirds take a dive because I'm like, you can fucking levitate. Why are you going 100 miles an hour into glass?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

It angers me. I yell at the hummingbirds as I'm trying to bring them back to life.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

But they have a pretty good recovery rate. I think they get stunned and their whole brain shuts down. And then they'll. If you warm them up, like with hummingbirds, sometimes the best thing to do is keep them warm in the palm of your hand. I mean, obviously not squeezing them, but because hummingbirds go into what's called torpor, so they can actually, like, lower their body's operational speed and basically go into a state of torpor. And so if you warm them up, it's almost like a reptile coming back to life.

[Daniel Tosh]

You like reptiles?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I don't. I don't really know.

[Daniel Tosh]

How many animals do you have to feed every day of your life?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Well, right now we have 10 chickens, two goats.

[Daniel Tosh]

Full size goats.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

They know. They're, you know, Nigerian dwarf goats, so they're minis, but they'll still take out a coyote. Those animals are.

[Daniel Tosh]

Keep them near the chickens?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Well, I do.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

They all live together. Okay. We have a miniature pony.

[Daniel Tosh]

You do.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

We have a little farm at our house. Sounds like you do too.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I. Yeah, I've got some animals.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

And then I have my birds. Any given time. Five or six owls, hawks, falcons. Well, I have a dog.

[Daniel Tosh]

What kind of dog you have?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Avishla.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, Avisla is a beautiful animal. They got some energy, though. Jesus Christ. Everything you have involves, like, needing.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I know.

[Daniel Tosh]

To go fucking four country miles.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah. And then. Yeah, two. Two full size horses.

[Daniel Tosh]

Two full size horses. Honor your property.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

No, those are at a barn in Burbank. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is your girlfriend into all this, too?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Not the falconry as much, but she rides horses and she kind of actually handles the farm mostly.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's a shame, because I have a perfect girl for you if things go sour with your current girl. Adam, my wife's cousin. Oh, you guys, that could have been a perfect match. Just all she. She's just a horse person.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

All right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, you know, maybe a little too much.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah, well, there's definitely, you know, horse girl's archetype that.

[Daniel Tosh]

He's a horse girl.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Yeah, I'll stay. I'll stay with where I'm at.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I'm just saying, if things. You never know what happens. One of your birds goes crazy, takes out.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Your girlfriend's really gonna love this, by the way. Well, I mean. No, she will. Cause look what I just said. Staying true.

[Daniel Tosh]

Uh huh.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Told her we're basically on the road to marriage. Gave her credit. This is the most important one she could care less about. To credit for running the farm operationally. So I hope she'd probably never listen to this, but. What?

[Daniel Tosh]

She's a huge fan. You don't think she subscribes already? God damn it. All right, everybody on the show gets a gift. I think you're gonna love this. I got you a cajon.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Oh, yeah?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Because you need a cajon.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

This is amazing because you can sit.

[Daniel Tosh]

In Highland park in a drum circle and bang away. Can you do some damage on that thing already?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I might move back to Portland with this, honestly. But you want to know, I don't know if I realize this, but this also could function perfectly as a barn owl box.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean. Yes.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

So this was like, actually the best gift you could have given a drummer turned falconer.

[Daniel Tosh]

Look at that.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Come on.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are you really going to put that on a pole and stick it 50ft in the air?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Honestly, I probably will because I don't think I'm going to play it. Is that okay?

[Daniel Tosh]

Of course.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

That's your gift.

[Daniel Tosh]

You can do whatever you want with your gift.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Thank you.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're welcome. Here, Also got you a whirly bird. Okay. Now this thing. I can't. Every time my son does it, he spins it right into my daughter's face and she screams. You'll love. That's good. We'll get rid of that.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Thank you.

[Daniel Tosh]

I got one other thing for you. I don't know if you have room for it or not, but.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Oh, my God.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, okay, okay. Hey. Hey, buddy. That's Panda. Panda, Amanda.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Nice to meet you. How you doing?

[Daniel Tosh]

That's Adam. Okay. Get this pig off my desk. How you doing?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

You want to leg up?

[Daniel Tosh]

Which place takes the crown for most unbearable hipsters? Portland or Highland Park?

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Portland. Well, gosh, that's a tough one. It's a different breed of hipster.

[Daniel Tosh]

I know.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Oh, man. Portland's really pretty excruciating. Portland really is just a parody of itself. You know, you watch, like, Portlandia. It's. Honestly, it's not that far off. It's really a hard place to live.

[Daniel Tosh]

I just.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I would never. I loved it when I was there.

[Daniel Tosh]

I love it.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I would never be able to go back.

[Daniel Tosh]

I would never live there. I love every minute I'm in Portland. I would never live there. All right, Adam, thank you for being on the show.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Thank you for having me.

[Daniel Tosh]

Such a firm handshake. People tell, you have a firm handshake.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

I try to strike like a. No, you don't want to be that firm. You don't want to be that. You know, I like to be limp.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I like to be limp and be.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

You were pretty. You were pretty limp.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, no, that was my firm.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Oh, that was firm.

[Daniel Tosh]

I had shook your hand before. I knew that I had to come in hot.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

Oh, man.

[Eddie]

You think you're sick.

[Daniel Tosh]

PA Show. I want to thank Adam for being on the show, and I want to thank him for considering to take Potato to his farm. I'll let you know if that actually happens. In the meantime, Potato, if you're watching, and I know you are, stop destroying the yard. Oh, the amount of sod I have to replace. All right, well, let's do our new segment called Pete's Poisons. It's where we take poison and we give it to Pete and see if he can survive in this new segment called Pete's Poisons. Then we're gonna follow that up with a new segment called John's Jitters. Okay, please. Well, we just do things, and we see if John gets the jitters.

[Eddie]

I'm gonna touch a lens on a camera.

[Adam (Professional Falconer)]

We gotta think of some alliteration for Eddie.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, wait a minute. Dylan. Dylan's dongs.

[Eddie]

Dylan's dongs.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's where we sit Dylan down, blindfold him. Right. And just slap him with dogs putting.

[Eddie]

Glizzies in his mouth.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, Dylan's dongs. That's going to be a good segment.

[Eddie]

Let's keep that one.

[Pete]

Follow our Patreon.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, you're going to head on over to our Patreon for that bonus content. We got some plugs. All right, let's do Our plugs here. We got Eddie's tour, my tour. I'm selling a property in Tahoe. Wouldn't that be fun? You're listening to this podcast and then now you own a piece of Tosh history. What else we gotta get to? Oh, Amanda, we gotta see if we have any. You got any fresh new voicemails?

[Eddie]

Eddie got some fresh ones.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, let's hear the first one.

[Pete]

Eddie touch again. Hey, just started watching the newest Toss show as I do every Tuesday night. Spoiler alerts. What about those of us that have not seen season five of Yellowstone? Can you please have Daniel not spoil such great things?

[Daniel Tosh]

What is going on? Eddie Hutch is abusing our phone line just to call you now.

[Eddie]

Yeah, it's just supposed to be Amanda based questions.

[Daniel Tosh]

He's abusing our phone number. It's supposed to be a phone number for potential suitors to leave their information about why they think they would be a good fit to date my wife's cousin. Now I've got this guy Hutch calling constantly complaining about the show because you graciously, after a live standup show, said, hey, let's be friends. I'm worried about our safety if Hutch shows up here. Pete, you got to give me a heads up. All right? Is there any other potential suitors calling? Yes.

[Pete]

Hey, what's up, Daniel? My name's andy. I am 6ft tall. I just turned 40. I'm white. I live in Manhattan beach, and I voted for Kamala. Very liberal in that regard. I am a veterinarian, so definitely got the equine experience. And I do love horses. I've always said I'm interested and excited to have kids with the right person. I am divorced once. I don't have any kids, but definitely very interested in meeting and getting to know Amanda. I laugh easily. I've been a big fan of yours and your show for a long time. And I'm an aspiring surfer. So, yeah, I think he'd have a good time with me, but I think, more importantly, Amanda would have a real good time with me.

[Daniel Tosh]

Whoa. I mean, this. This might be. This might be a winner.

[Eddie]

Yeah, this is great.

[Daniel Tosh]

I gotta. We'll do a little background check and we'll set that he's local, he's white, and that's. I'll be honest, that's actually a strike against him. Not because he's white, because he announced that he's white. You don't announce that you're white. We assume you're white unless you announce otherwise. This guy seems like he's a home run. I just hope he's just not always announcing how white he is. That's the only thing worrisome. No, nothing bad. That's great. All right, we'll give that a shot. We'll see you next week.