My Paw-some Service Dog Volunteer - Melissa Rubin

Summary

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Tosh Show – "My Paw-some Service Dog Volunteer – Melissa Rubin"

Podcast: Tosh Show
Host: Daniel Tosh
Guest: Melissa Rubin (Guide Dogs of America volunteer/puppy raiser)
Date: November 4, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode features an engaging conversation between Daniel Tosh and Melissa Rubin, a seasoned volunteer who raises and nurtures puppies for Guide Dogs of America. Daniel explores Melissa's unique role training service dogs that eventually work with visually impaired adults, autistic children, and veterans with PTSD. The pair weave in classic Tosh humor and digress into animals, odd home stories, and the challenges—and joys—of raising puppies for such an important cause.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Ghost Encounters and Icebreakers

• Daniel’s signature first question: "Do you believe in ghosts?"

  • Melissa answers yes, recounting a strange encounter with a “tall, lanky” man who would turn off her shower light and make strange noises in the house, which stopped when she confronted the presence.

  • Quote:

    “I had a ghost in my house. … He kept on showing up in the shower. I swear to God.” – Melissa (13:06)

  • Daniel jokes about the potential for the haunting to be sexual in nature.

  • Memorable moment: Daniel’s skepticism and endless curiosity about ghosts, while Eddie jokes about the best ghost story on the show yet.

    “You have a ghost in your shower?” – Daniel (13:16)

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Life as a Puppy Raiser

• Home full of dogs: Melissa currently houses three dogs—two breeder girls and a puppy-in-training, Millie.

  • Quote:

    “I think they all have a puppy they’re raising, maybe a career change dog, and sometimes a breeder. I have two breeder girls and Millie right now.” – Melissa (16:03)

• Breeding program details:

  • Dogs are allowed up to four litters, breeding is tightly controlled via algorithms and genetic tracking.
  • Some dogs retire early due to C-sections or not enjoying motherhood.

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Service Dog Training Process

• Dog selection and success: Only about 60% of puppies make it to service status, with a significant number dropping out for behavioral or medical reasons, highlighting the unpredictability despite breeding.

  “What’s the percentage of dogs that… actually then becoming a service dog themselves?”
  “It’s about 60%, give or take.” – Melissa (18:25–18:28)

• Puppy raisers train from 8 weeks to roughly 16 months, after which the dogs move to formal training, sometimes within prison programs.

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The Prison Program

• Dogs are often trained by inmates:

  “Our service dogs are trained in prisons. So she [Colette] went off to prison, and they worked with her for a year, and I actually just got to meet the man that trained her.” – Melissa (25:15)

• Emotional highlight:

  • Melissa describes the powerful, bittersweet experience visiting the prison, seeing inmates’ devotion to their dogs (pictures on the wall, detailed letters home documenting progress).
  • Only inmates without sexual or child offenses are eligible to participate.

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What Service Dogs Actually Do

• For visually impaired: Guide dogs learn “intelligent disobedience”—knowing NOT to follow a command if it’s unsafe (e.g., walking into traffic).

• For autistic children: Dogs provide support via nudges/bumping to disrupt repetitive behaviors and act as a grounding presence (ex: child holds onto a lead attached to the harness in public).

• PTSD/Mobility: Can open cabinets, pick up items, offer companionship.

  “One of the things we teach is a nudge or a bump so the dog will nudge them to get them to stop.” – Melissa (20:14)

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Dog Behavior, Ownership, and Adoption

• Daniel reflects on being a "good, not great" dog owner, and debates nature vs. nurture in dog behavior.

  “Everyone always tries to put your dog’s behavior on the owner, which I kind of find a bit annoying... a lot of their behavior is predispositioned.” – Daniel (21:46)

• Puppy raisers get first right to adopt any dog that doesn’t make it into the program.

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The Realities and Rewards of Puppy Raising

• Hard to say goodbye: But seeing dogs graduate into service is deeply rewarding.

  “After you see one graduation… You see the impact that it makes on their lives, and you’re like, okay, I did that.” – Melissa (23:52)

• Service dog life: Dogs generally have a well-balanced life, with work and downtime, and checks to prevent overworking.

• Naming: Raisers choose names, following the litter letter convention (“Millie” from the M-litter). Name sticks for the dog’s career.

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Public Service Dog Challenges

• Daniel and Melissa commiserate over the frustration of seeing untrained “emotional support” dogs in public places, often with owners abusing the service dog designation.

  “Can you imagine coming up to a harnessed visually impaired person with their seeing eye dog and distracting their dog? It spins the dog out of control.” – Melissa (27:00)

• Notable quote:

  “I’m not a fan of it either. I get mad at seeing all these dogs at farmer’s markets.” – Daniel (28:00)

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Animal Tangents: Pigs, Cats, German Shepherds, and Squirrels

• Daniel discusses his household pig and its less-than-appealing anatomical features.

  “The gross thing is the penis. … It has a corkscrew at the end. And it’s about 13 inches long.” – Daniel (41:44)

• Cat intelligence vs. dogs:

  “Nobody’s using a cat to walk a blind person around LAX.” – Daniel (31:19)

• Training "attack dogs" and animal confidence:

  • Fun riff about what would happen if squirrels realized how easily they could take over the world.

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Volunteer Opportunities and Getting Involved

• Volunteer needs: The main commodity needed by Guide Dogs of America is more puppy raisers.
• How to get involved:

  “Our website has a, you know, call them for volunteer.” – Melissa (50:48)
  “Guidedogsofamerica.org” – Melissa (50:53)

  • Opportunities for puppy raisers, puppy sitters, and even “puppy huggers” ("start handling puppies at three days old").
• Puppy raisers can have full-time jobs, and there’s robust volunteer support.
• No cost to be a volunteer; payment is in “love and kisses and tail wags."

  “That’s not good. You can’t pay the bills on tail wags.” – Daniel (51:45)

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Service Dog Care Details

• Grooming: Clients learn grooming basics, including trimming nails (which both Daniel and Melissa agree is traumatic and best left to professionals).
• Spaying and neutering: Service dogs are fixed around a year old; breeders remain intact.
• Handling dog periods: Melisssa manages heat cycles in her breeder females.

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Melissa’s TV Career & Other Fun Digressions

• Stints working for Joan Rivers and Judge Judy, with Daniel joking about therapy dog needs after those gigs.
• Brush with Air Bud franchise and recent DC Comics collaborations.
• Lighthearted gift-giving segment: Daniel hands over random (often used) pet products and household items to Melissa.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Ghosts:

  “He [the ghost] kept on showing up in the shower. I swear to God.” – Melissa (13:14)

• On Prison Training:

  “It almost makes you forget that they’re murderers.” – Daniel (26:02)

• On Puppy Raising:

  “It is hard because you love them… but after you see one graduation… you’re like, okay, I did that.” – Melissa (23:52)

• On Untrained Service Dogs in Public:

  “It takes a while for the visually impaired person to get that dog calm back down.” – Melissa (27:00)

• On Cat Intelligence:

  “Until a cat can walk a blind person around LAX, I don’t want to hear anyone tell me how much smarter they are than dogs.” – Daniel (31:28)

• On Volunteer “Payment”:

  “Yeah. In love and kisses and tail wags.” – Melissa (51:42)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [12:49] – Introduction of Melissa Rubin and her role
• [13:02] – Melissa’s shower ghost story
• [16:00] – Current dogs at home and breeding program
• [18:25] – Percentage of dogs that complete the program
• [19:43] – Roles of service dogs (autism, blind, PTSD, facility)
• [23:45] – Timeframe for puppy raising (8 weeks to 16 months)
• [25:15] – The prison-inmate training program
• [31:19] – Cats vs. dogs in service animal roles
• [40:43] – PTSD dogs and what tasks they perform
• [50:53] – How to volunteer at Guide Dogs of America
• [52:04] – "Puppy hugger" job explained
• [54:25] – Spaying/neutering policies and heat cycles
• [56:10] – Would Melissa sell Millie for the right price?

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Tone and Style

The conversation is sharp, comedic, and down-to-earth, with Daniel’s trademark irreverence and Melissa’s warmth and humility shining throughout. They mix practical advice, genuine curiosity, and quick humor—making serious points about animal welfare, public misconceptions, and the joys of volunteering, all while keeping the energy light and accessible.

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For Listeners: Key Takeaways

• Guide Dogs of America is always seeking volunteers—puppy raisers, sitters, and huggers. If you're interested in helping, go to guidedogsofamerica.org.

• Raising a service dog is a big commitment with immense rewards, but not every puppy succeeds, and that’s okay.

• Service dogs perform rigorous, highly specific jobs tailored to the needs of their eventual handlers—changing lives far beyond what most people realize.

• If you see a working dog in public: don’t distract, don’t pet, and respect the important service these animals—and their human partners—are performing.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Daniel Tosh]

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[Jeff Bridges]

Morning, Zoe. Got donuts.

[Dana]

Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage?

[Jeff Bridges]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T mobile commercial like you. Teach me. So, Dana.

[Dana]

Oh no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at t mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[Jeff Bridges]

Wow, impressive. Let me try. T Mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 because they've got the best network.

[Melissa]

Nice.

[Dana]

Jeffrey, you heard them.

[Daniel Tosh]

T Mobile is the best place to get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition.

[Jeff Bridges]

So what are we having for launch?

[Dana]

Dude, my work here is done.

[T-Mobile Ad Voice]

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[Daniel Tosh]

Guys, it's me, Daniel. Do me a solid. I don't ask for a lot, but like and subscribe to this podcast also you could rate it highly. I would appreciate, maybe even write a review. Maybe we become best friends. How many people do you disappoint every day by taking a cute puppy everywhere and not letting anyone pet it?

[Melissa]

I know I don't a lot. All of them.

[Daniel Tosh]

Posh show. Posh show. Welcome to Tosh Show. I'm your host, Daniel Tosh.

[Eddie Gosling]

With me it's me, Eddie Gosling.

[Daniel Tosh]

Gosling. Or should we start calling you Eddie McMahon?

[Eddie Gosling]

I don't mind that. Hey now.

[Daniel Tosh]

Like he always said, that's the wrong one.

[Eddie Gosling]

I knew the guy from Larry said.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that's okay, he's better. Well, until he was worse, he did.

[Eddie Gosling]

Become like a problematic person.

[Daniel Tosh]

He came became problematic. But before he was problematic and just that character. So good on Gary Shandlin's show. Just heaven on earth. Ah, anyway, you know I don't like to wear shirts with words. On it.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Daniel Tosh]

But you may have noticed lately that when I'm reading ads, I wear this shirt. Well, this shirt does have a word on it, and the rest is pictures.

[Eddie Gosling]

So we explaining it?

[Daniel Tosh]

There's nothing to explain. I can be bought.

[Eddie Gosling]

You sure can.

[Daniel Tosh]

There it is. I can be bought. It's my ad shirt. I needed to come up with an ad shirt because they're always like, oh, they didn't want me to wear the same thing that I had on in the episode. So that you could differentiate between ad reading Daniel Tosh and host Daniel Tosh. So now I've got a uniform. There you go. For when I'm doing ads.

[Eddie Gosling]

Perfect.

[Daniel Tosh]

Suited up nice. It's a large. Okay. Feels like a cotton poly blend. Do an ad for them. I don't know who. Who made this shirt, but maybe we'll sell this once we get our. Our new store up and running. Oh, yeah, yeah. Our current store has shuttered.

[Eddie Gosling]

Oh, man.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, it happens.

[Eddie Gosling]

That's a bummer. But we're going to be back stronger than ever.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. What we did is we took all those old Carl shirts that didn't sell and we sent them to an impoverished nation.

[Eddie Gosling]

Great people just walking around, Right?

[Daniel Tosh]

They're a bunch of bills fans with Carl shirts. You big into the art world, Eddie?

[Eddie Gosling]

Nope. Can't say I am.

[Daniel Tosh]

You have any art hanging in your house?

[Eddie Gosling]

We do. Like acquiring pieces.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, you've acquired a piece.

[Eddie Gosling]

I've acquired a piece. Yeah. It's. Megan's cousin is an artist and.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, he's a cousin. You got a family member as a cousin. You're just hanging their up?

[Eddie Gosling]

Yep.

[Melissa]

Put it up.

[Eddie Gosling]

It's nice.

[Daniel Tosh]

I cannot stand hanging wall art up. It just infuriates me, lining things up. And now everybody wants these. They want a gallery wall and. And, like, they're all different sizes, but my wife wants the bottom lined up and. And you've got these things with. There's no way to measure it because it's wires on the back. So it doesn't. And then I end up putting, like, nine different holes in my wall. And the drywall is getting. It just makes me mad.

[Eddie Gosling]

You tell me you got a gallery wall at the house now?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yes. Multiple.

[Eddie Gosling]

Oh, man.

[Daniel Tosh]

There's multiple gallery walls. But this one wall by my entryway, I had to hang up different photos of my kids. But the bot. And they're all big, right? They're large, but the bottom had a lineup on all of them. It was just torture.

[Eddie Gosling]

This almost seems impossible.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I wanted to hire Somebody. And. But I didn't want somebody to come over, right? So then I was just like, I'll do it. And then I'm just. Then I'm just in such a bad mood while I'm doing it.

[Eddie Gosling]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm yelling at her because I get the little dust buster out to get all the drywall that I'm dropping to the floor.

[Eddie Gosling]

Keeping your area clean. But it's infuriating.

[Daniel Tosh]

Can't stand it. All I do is try to keep the place clean. And just everybody in the house is working against me the other day. Here's a game. We got a new game. You guys put some music behind it. It's time to play what's in Her Pocket.

[Eddie Gosling]

I'm excited.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. We had some rain, and I went into the closet and I got my wife's raincoat out. That was because we were walking to school. I was like, we'll still walk to school with the kids in the rain. It's fun. We don't get to do that very often. Anyway, for whatever reason, I could tell there's something in her pocket. I put my hand in her pocket of her raincoat that had been sitting since last rain season.

[Eddie Gosling]

Okay?

[Daniel Tosh]

Now, in California, that can be six months between good rains at this time of year. It usually doesn't rain during the summer. I pulled out three things. All right, Eddie. From her raincoat from six months earlier. What three things did I pull out? Go ahead. What's your guess?

[Eddie Gosling]

Chapstick.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Eddie Gosling]

Lozenge and a hairbrush.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. A hairbrush. That's a horrible gas.

[Eddie Gosling]

Eddie, I have ideas. Something with the hair. Maybe a hair tie.

[Daniel Tosh]

A hair tie is a better guess. Okay, A lozenge, a hair tie, and what was your other guess?

[Eddie Gosling]

Chapstick.

[Daniel Tosh]

Chapstick. Okay. All wrong. Pete, what's your guess? Money. Money. Tampon. Huh?

[Eddie Gosling]

Pacifier.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. Guess what, guys. Pete is two out of three.

[Eddie Gosling]

Oh, that's great.

[Caller]

Interesting.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, John, now, using the knowledge that you have, what is your guess?

[Caller]

Just for one. I can't guess three?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, you have to guess three. But you have to take two of fucking Pete. You think I'm talking to Dylan right now? All right, I'm gonna say a pen.

[Caller]

I'm gonna say a rock.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, he's so fucking dumb. Why is this not Dylan?

[Eddie Gosling]

Pete got two of the three.

[Daniel Tosh]

Pete got two of them, right?

[Eddie Gosling]

You got to take two of those.

[Daniel Tosh]

Shit. Hold on, hold on. Please stop, stop.

[Caller]

It's pacifier and tampon.

[Daniel Tosh]

What is your guess?

[Caller]

Pacifier. Tampon and a rock and a Rock. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. Okay. You're two out of three. Dylan.

[Eddie Gosling]

Dylan.

[Daniel Tosh]

Come on, Dylan. Here we go.

[Eddie Gosling]

Pacifier. Tampon.

[Melissa]

Ooh.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm going candy cane. Oh, Candy. Dylan, you almost pulled a rabbit out of the hat. I'm still shocked that we got it was a pacifier, a tampon, and a cutie. A Mandarin. Year. Maybe a year old.

[Eddie Gosling]

Six months.

[Melissa]

Whatever. Old.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Just rotten to the core.

[Eddie Gosling]

Rotten to the core.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's just what's in my wife's pocket. That's how you play.

[Eddie Gosling]

I love it. It's a great game.

[Daniel Tosh]

I didn't think we were going to get there, but we did.

[Eddie Gosling]

Can't wait till it rains again.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, well, that was fun. I didn't let Carl guess I should have because Carl is so smart. Oh, I smart. Not as smart as the dogs today's guest works with, but he's still pretty smart. Enjoy. School is in full swing, which means I am making extra trips around town, dropping the kids off at school and picking them back up. You can't just leave them there. Trips for groceries, coffee, coming to the old job. All those trips add up. And I'm not made of money. I'm made of flesh and bone and other stuff. Honestly, thanks to Upside, I welcome all the trips. With the free Upside app, you can get cash back every time you fill up your car, grab a bite to eat, or stock up on essentials. Upside users are getting $1 million back each week. And it's real cash you're getting back, not just loyalty points or rewards or credits. You can only use some places. It's cash you you can transfer right into your offshore bank account. You're going to be living like an oligarch in no time. Upside is giving back $1 billion to its users. To find out how much you could earn, download the free Upside app and use promo code Tosh to get an extra 25 cents back for every gallon on your first tank of gas. That's an extra 25 cents back for every gallon in your first tank of gas. Use promo code Tosh. Nobody knows your money goals better than you. Robinhood puts you in control of your money with tools that work as hard as you do, locking it on every opening. Betting your PR betting again. Channel that drive into your money. Robinhood puts you in control of your money. Trade stocks and ETFs, options, futures and crypto all on one platform. You can now build and execute your own trades from a desktop with Robinhood Legends advanced tools. Or take advantage of the new Robinhood strategies with a tailored portfolio managed by a team of experts. You expect more from yourself. Expect more from your money. Get started [e-mail] yourmoney again, that's robinhood.com yourmoney your money, your move. All investments involve risk, including loss of principle options. Futures and crypto trading carry significant risk and may not suit all investors. Securities offered through Robinhood Financial llc. Futures trading is offered by Robinhood Derivatives LLC and Not SPIC or FDIC. Protected crypto offered through Robinhood Crypto LLC. MLSID 1702840 not FDSE or SIPC. Protected portfolio management offered by Robinhood Strategies, an SEC registered advisor. This message is sponsored by Raycon Raycon's everyday earbuds have become a go to gift for the holidays. They sound great. Last all day with 32 hours of battery life. That's more than a day. They stay comfortable no matter how long you wear them. Over 4 million people already have a pair of so if you've been curious, now's the time to try them out for Black Friday and Cyber Monday. You can get up to 30% off on Raycon's products, perfect for gifting or keeping for yourself. They have all the features that you'd want. They're quick, charging just 10 minutes gives you 90 minutes of playtime and you get up to 32 hours of battery life with the case. They come with a 30 day happiness guarantee. So if you don't love them, returns are easy. So you have nothing to lose. I'm a fan. Give them a try. You'll probably like them as much as I do. Raycon's going big for Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Everything's up to 30% off. Just click the link in the description or go to buyraycon.com tosh to save on Raycon audio products sitewide toshow my guest today is basically a saint. Volunteers to nurture puppies that she hopes will one day grow up to be service animals for blind adults, autistic children and veterans with ptsd. But only if she raises them well. So no pressure, please. Welcome from Guide Dogs of America, puppy raiser Melissa.

[Melissa]

Hi.

[Daniel Tosh]

How are you today?

[Melissa]

I'm good. Thanks for having me.

[Daniel Tosh]

First question I ask all my guests. Do you believe in ghosts?

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Have you ever had an interaction?

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh no. Was it traumatic or was it. Was it a pleasant experience?

[Melissa]

It was interesting. I'll say. It wasn't traumatic. I. I had a ghost in my house.

[Daniel Tosh]

Was it sexual?

[Melissa]

No. Well, it might have been. He kept on showing up in the shower. I swear To God.

[Daniel Tosh]

This is my oldest.

[Melissa]

Do you want to hear the story?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yes, of course. You telling me you got a ghost in your shower?

[Melissa]

It all started my husband was away on business. I know. That's the way it always starts, right? And I woke up. My son was maybe 2 or 3. I woke up in the middle of the night, and my. My big stereo system, my whole house system was playing jazz.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Melissa]

I was like, okay, that's really weird.

[Daniel Tosh]

And this is before Sono, so nobody could have turned it on remotely because I. I turn on my music to scare my wife when I'm gone.

[Melissa]

That's mean.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yes. I do a lot of things.

[Eddie Gosling]

That's mean.

[Melissa]

Anyway, so I kind of laid in bed. I was a little petrified. And I finally got up and I went. And I turned it off. I knew I had been watching TV, not listening to channel 634 jazz on satellite. Went back to bed. And the next thing I saw, I'd seen him kind of out of the corner of my eye, like, down the hall going by. And then what was he?

[Daniel Tosh]

What are you seeing out of the corner of your eye?

[Melissa]

He was a tall, lanky man. This is a man? Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

It was an actual man?

[Melissa]

Yeah. I felt like it was a man.

[Daniel Tosh]

It wasn't like you couldn't see through him. He wasn't, like, transparent. It wasn't ghosty.

[Melissa]

He wasn't fully there. I mean, how detailed you want to get here?

[Daniel Tosh]

Listen, I don't know what you want to admit to.

[Melissa]

Then the babysitter started telling me, so I would hear. I'd be in the TV room, and I'd hear, like, it sounded like somebody took all of the utensils from, you know, your forks and knives and literally take. Took them and dropped them on the floor.

[Daniel Tosh]

Were they actually dropped on the floor? No, it was just a noise that sounded like.

[Melissa]

I didn't tell my babysitter because she was a little high strung, and I didn't want to scare her, but she started telling me she was hearing the noises. Then I would be in the shower, and I had, like, one light switch that lit a number of lights. And every time I was in the shower, the light over my shower would go off.

[Daniel Tosh]

Just that one?

[Melissa]

Just that one. So after a while, I got kind of tired of it, and I just talked to him. I said, listen, this is annoying. You keep turning off the light if you want.

[Daniel Tosh]

He's trying to make it romantic.

[Melissa]

I guess it already is. I'm naked. I said, if you want something, let me know. Otherwise, leave Me alone.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Melissa]

And we never, never came again.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, he probably thought you were being rude.

[Melissa]

It was my own house.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, it was probably his house before the tragedy.

[Melissa]

I thought about that, and I did reach out to the previous owners because they built the house and nobody had died and everything was okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, well, you proved it.

[Eddie Gosling]

That's the best answer we ever had. You don't believe me.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean. No, I believe you. No.

[Melissa]

Oh, you would have if you'd been at my house.

[Daniel Tosh]

I want to believe so bad, but no, I'm not wired that way. You have one dog with you today. How many dogs currently are living under your roof?

[Melissa]

3.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is that typical?

[Melissa]

I'd say it's fairly typical of most raisers. I think they all have a puppy they're raising, maybe a career change dog, a puppy that they've raised and maybe didn't make it into the program. And sometimes a breeder. I have two breeder girls and Millie right now.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you let them breed with just anyone?

[Melissa]

No, no. It's very specific. We have an algorithm. Our breeding manager does an incredible job with our genetics, and it's very, very purposeful.

[Daniel Tosh]

How many times are you allowed to let them breed?

[Melissa]

A girl can have up to four litters and be up to six years old. It all depends. If she had a couple of C sections, we might retire her after her second C section. If she's not been a great mama, we might retire her early as well. Sometimes just they don't like it. They don't wanna be a mama, and they stress out too much.

[Daniel Tosh]

Dogs get postpartum.

[Melissa]

I don't know postpartum, but I think it takes a while for them to get back to feeling themselves. My girl that just had Millie, they had them at the beginning of May. She just now feels like she's coming back into herself. Her hair's kind of grown back and is fluffy and okay. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did she feel like Millie stole her beauty? I've heard that. I've heard that. My wife says it about our daughter. She goes, she stole my beauty. And she resents my daughter. I can feel it.

[Melissa]

Nobody could steal Sienn's beauty. Cause she's actually the most beautiful in the program. I think because she's a red fox lab and she's French, so that makes her pretty. But, yeah, I think she's kind of like, why did Millie come to live with us? I already gave birth to her, and she's supposed to be someplace else.

[Daniel Tosh]

When they're pregnant, do they ever do a sonogram or anything? Yeah. You do?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

So you know how many dogs are coming?

[Melissa]

We can guess halfway through. We'll do an ultrasound and we can kind of.

[Daniel Tosh]

We do do an ultrasound.

[Melissa]

Okay. So we can guess. And then one week before, they'll come into the nursery to have their pups and we'll X ray them. And at that time, you can see the skeletons and you can count. It really helps when you're whelping the litter to know, okay, we think there's nine. And then at the end of the whelp, if we think they're finished, we'll ultrasound them again to make sure we haven't missed anybody.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you get mad if there's only two?

[Melissa]

Well, I think it's a little bit of a disappointment because I haven't ever experienced that with my girl. But you want as many dogs as you can choose from for the program.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's the percentage of dogs that from, you know, great, you know, lineage to actually then becoming a service dog themselves?

[Melissa]

It's about 60%, give or take. Oh, success.

[Daniel Tosh]

Way higher than I thought.

[Melissa]

Yeah. And, you know, we're getting better and better at it. Obviously, it all starts with breeding. You gotta breed the right dogs and then you gotta have the puppy raisers to be able to raise them so that they can go on to success.

[Daniel Tosh]

How did you get into this and how long have you been doing it?

[Melissa]

I've been doing it, I think about six years, seven years. You know, my son graduated high school. He was going to be going off. I kind of knew I would like to find something to do purposeful with my time. And I remembered about Guide Dogs of America because I had contacted them literally 40 years before. And I called them up and they said, yeah, come up and volunteer. So I started volunteering and working in the kennels and doing all sorts of different things.

[Daniel Tosh]

And where's their headquarters?

[Melissa]

It's in Sylmar, like where the 5 and the 405 meet.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is it only labs and golden retrievers that makes these service animals?

[Melissa]

In our program, we're only labs and goldens. We used to have German shepherds. They're just a little trickier. They are really one person dogs. And once you've taken them from the razor, they have. They can have a lot of anxiety. And they're great, they're totally trainable. It just wasn't working in our program.

[Daniel Tosh]

I said on your introduction, I said, military, ptsd, blind sight dogs and autism. Autism, Is that it?

[Melissa]

And facility dogs.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's facility dogs?

[Melissa]

So there are hospitals that it's not like the therapy dogs where you see people bring their dog in. This dog goes to work with. Usually it's a social worker and works the whole hospital all day long or a chaplain with the fire department or a courtroom so that that dog can go up with like a young witness that is having to give testimony to give them support.

[Daniel Tosh]

What kind of things does a service animal do for an autistic child?

[Melissa]

I wish I knew all the things, but one of the things is some autistic children have repetitive behaviors. One of the things that we teach is a nudge or a bump so the dog will nudge them to get them to stop. We have one I heard that picked at his lips constantly. So the dog nose nudge them, break that repetitive pattern. And just the attachment to the dog. I got a picture of the mom and the girl and they were at Target the first day they had her. The harness has an extra attachment lead and the autistic girl holds onto that and it keeps her grounded there with mom and with the dog as a, you know, as a safety thing and as a grounding tool for her.

[Daniel Tosh]

What about bomb sniffing?

[Melissa]

We don't do that, but we have had some dogs that have gone on to be search and rescue.

[Daniel Tosh]

What about drugs?

[Melissa]

We don't have. We don't do that either.

[Daniel Tosh]

I want to get one of those. Just how much free drugs you could get?

[Melissa]

It'd be great for your kids if.

[Daniel Tosh]

Your dog was just a drug sniff. Oh, my kids?

[Melissa]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, you think my kids.

[Melissa]

I'm a mother, so I.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's nice to know. I don't trust my kids. You know, I love them, but I'm not going to trust them. Never going to trust them. Well, let's. Let's start with this because as I'm a lifelong dog owner, I've had countless dogs and I'm a pretty good owner, but I'm not a great owner. I love them. I don't, you know, I don't board them. I travel with them. So they have good lives. No one's going to argue that, but everyone always tries to put your dog's behavior on the owner, which I kind of find a bit annoying on some level because a lot of their behavior is predispositioned.

[Melissa]

Yeah. It's nature and nurturing and then.

[Daniel Tosh]

So if the 40% of dogs that aren't making it in the program. How much of that is on you?

[Melissa]

A little bit. But mostly it's a medical thing. We'll get a dog in a eight or 10 pup litter that has hip dysplasia. None of the others have it. My first dog that I raised, Colette, had a sibling, a litter mate that had an aversion to smoke. They lit up the barbecue, there was some smoke, and he just freaked out. So he couldn't be in the program. Some dogs, they just can't ever get used to going up in an elevator or hearing a trash truck go by. It just. It's kind of a mixed bag of why some of them don't want to wear a vest.

[Daniel Tosh]

I get that. I hate a vest.

[Melissa]

It's coming back that look.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't care. It's not my thing. I don't like. I don't like being sleeveless. Do you get to name them?

[Melissa]

Yes, but it has to be a specific letter. So Millie's from the M litter.

[Daniel Tosh]

They get to keep the name?

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, so now I'm like. Now the new owner that receives it is stuck with the name.

[Melissa]

Yeah, sorry. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

You know, it's like adopting a child. You're kind of stuck with their name.

[Melissa]

No, you.

[Daniel Tosh]

What do you mean?

[Melissa]

Well, I mean, not a baby.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, sure, not a baby, but I'm saying if I take somebody that's 15 years old, I can't rename her.

[Melissa]

You take somebody that's 15, you're crazy.

[Daniel Tosh]

I got to do it. I got to.

[Melissa]

Do I have a 24 year old? Would you like him?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, that's too old. I'm all for it. I've said this before. I like the idea of adopting a 16 or 17 year old. Somebody that's about to age out, that really doesn't need a parent. I know, but I just jump in for some financial help. That's my goal.

[Melissa]

Yeah. And you know, at 18, it's very hard. They're out of the system and they've got to learn how to go through life. There are some mentors, I think, for the.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. I keep asking to look into it, but then I don't actually follow through, which makes me feel. But I feel like if I say it on camera, it makes me look bad if I don't. So this is maybe the push I'm needing. You train them from eight weeks to what?

[Melissa]

To about 16 months, give or take. That's when they go into their formal training.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is that torture on the soul or.

[Melissa]

No, it is hard because you love them. You've put so much time and energy in. They're part of your family. They're quirky, they're adorable. But, you know, after you see one Graduation. You see what happens with these dogs. You see the impact that it makes on their lives, and you're like, okay, I did that. Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do service dogs have a good life? And I. I mean that. Like, everybody's like, oh, dogs love jobs, and they love to work, but, like, yeah, but my dog also loves to lay around and do nothing and then play and do whatever he wants.

[Melissa]

Yeah, they don't work all the time.

[Daniel Tosh]

What kind of. What kind of hours are they putting in?

[Melissa]

I think it's different for every dog. I know. Colette, who is a graduated autism service dog.

[Caller]

She.

[Melissa]

She has a pool in the backyard. She had. They have a lake house. She's having a. A great life. They have another dog that she gets to snuggle with. So I. I don't know what the percentage is, but even if it's 50. 50.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Melissa]

That's not bad.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know. I don't know if it was like. Like, child labor. Is there anybody, like, saying, hey, you're working your. Your service dog a little too much?

[Melissa]

We do check up on them. We.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, you guys are the final line.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you feel like a failure when a dog doesn't make it?

[Melissa]

I was really scared with my first dog because I'm kind of a perfectionist, and I like to get things right. I was really afraid that she wasn't gonna make it. You know, I don't know if you know this about our second part of our program is that our service dogs are trained in prisons. So she went off to prison, and they worked with her for a year, and I actually just got to meet the man that trained her.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, what was he in there for?

[Melissa]

I don't know. You don't ask.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, you do.

[Melissa]

I was literally surrounded by at least 30 inmates plus. So you don't. Hey, what are you in for? They're all lifers. They're all lifers.

[Daniel Tosh]

They're all lifers.

[Melissa]

They're all lifers.

[Daniel Tosh]

And you leave them around your beautiful dogs Terrifies me.

[Melissa]

No, no, no.

[Daniel Tosh]

They're good.

[Melissa]

It's incredible. I walked into that room when I went to visit, and I almost cried because it was such an incredible experience. But the inmates have to write home a letter to home every month about how their dog's doing. It's all pre. Like, I'm doing good at. I'm struggling with. I like to. And it just, like. It's just so sweet. They love them. I went and I visited his cell. He has of her all on the wall. No.

[Daniel Tosh]

It almost makes you Forget that they're murderers.

[Melissa]

A little bit. A little bit.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you wear perfume when you go in there?

[Melissa]

I've only been once and I did not wear perfume as a matter of fact. You have to be careful about what you wear. You have to wear specific things.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I know, I can imagine. And they're lifers, but maybe not lifers for something that would, would, could be.

[Melissa]

A three strike thing, you know, it's.

[Daniel Tosh]

Not like, like bestiality and you're like, oh, don't let this guy.

[Melissa]

They can't be in our program if they've had any sexual offense or any child kind of offense.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, the child one always gets you. That's a bad one. You don't want to be in there for that.

[Melissa]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Early on in my career I had a small Havanese that I went through all the paperwork to make him a service dog, but that was just because he traveled with me constantly and I wasn't going to stay in garbage hotels that didn't allow dogs. So I, I admit that I did the bad thing.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

What do you think of people that do all this stuff with the service dog?

[Melissa]

I think some of them do need that emotional support. There are emotional support dogs, but it's very hard to take out a working dog. If you think about. A working dog knows not to go. I'm training Millie not to go up to other dogs, not to get distracted. Can you imagine coming up to a harnessed visually impaired person with their seeing eye dog and distracting their dog? It spins the dog out of control. They know they're not supposed to talk to that dog. And it takes a while for the handler, the, the visually impaired person to get that dog calm back down.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, but that's one scenario. I mean, if the visually dog is just walking down the street, I'm allowed to walk past them with my dog.

[Melissa]

Absolutely. But a lot of people are taking their dogs into places where they shouldn't be.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. You're not a fan of it. I'm not a fan of it either. I get mad at seeing all these dogs in farmers markets. There's signs everywhere at farmer's market not to bring dogs. Everyone brings the dogs. And the reason there's nobody really to enforce it because the individual vendors. By the way, you know what's driving me nuts at farmer's markets lately is how aggressive people are at trying to sell their stuff.

[Melissa]

Really? I haven't had that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, I've had it lately in Calabasas and in Malibu. I've had a lot of people Doing that. Like, hey, come over. You know what? Your bag is missing. Some of my homes. I'm like, you know what, Take it down a notch, buddy.

[Melissa]

No kidding.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't need it. I don't need the high pressure. I'm at a farmer's market. Here's what I don't get for the visual impaired. Normally, I'm anti AI and all of the robots and stuff, but this seems like something that could easily be handled by a robot.

[Melissa]

No, you're right. Technology has really changed how visually impaired people can get around, but it's also isolating. Okay, so if you think you had a better answer, there are apps on the phone. There's so much more technology for visually impaired people. Absolutely.

[Daniel Tosh]

I bet you can wear glasses now that just kind of tell you what to do.

[Melissa]

Yeah, but you know, then it's also wonderful to have a companion.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, you're a company girl, I get it.

[Melissa]

I've got three at home. Of course I am.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do bernadoodles make good service animals?

[Melissa]

They could. I don't know. Why not?

[Daniel Tosh]

I can't imagine putting the work in.

[Melissa]

You could maybe make him a therapy dog though.

[Daniel Tosh]

Eddie has Carl's sibling.

[Melissa]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

When we rescue an expensive breed dog rescue, we do it together. Now listen, my name is on a plaque at Best friends.

[Melissa]

Oh.

[Daniel Tosh]

So yeah, I don't want to get any. I don't want you looking down on me.

[Melissa]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

For my little fancy breed dog.

[Melissa]

I don't, I don't.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Melissa]

These are very fancy breed dogs.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I know they are.

[Melissa]

They're super fancy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, yeah, but they have a better purpose than my dog, which is just to look cute on walks.

[Melissa]

Uh oh. Millie.

[Daniel Tosh]

Eddie's got drugs on him.

[Eddie Gosling]

Aw, I got a pipe bomb in my pants.

[Melissa]

Millie, come. Good girl.

[Daniel Tosh]

You have to give her a treat because she came to you. That's right. But when she walked away, which wasn't what you wanted.

[Melissa]

That's right.

[Daniel Tosh]

You didn't go over there and roll up a newspaper.

[Melissa]

That's right. We are only reward based. Okay, I don't have any rolled up newspapers at my house. What do you got at your house is what I want to know. Poor Carl.

[Daniel Tosh]

No. How dare you. Carl lives a lively like a king.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I noticed he's not here today.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, they asked him. I asked, I said what your preference was and they were like, eh.

[Melissa]

It really didn't. Millie likes people.

[Daniel Tosh]

How old is Millie?

[Melissa]

She's five and a half months. She was born at my house.

[Daniel Tosh]

Was she by one of your Other dogs?

[Melissa]

Yeah, I have two breeder dogs that are part of the program.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you deliver them?

[Melissa]

I am a whelper. Yeah. I am one of the volunteers that can help with a birth.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is it as tricky as it is with humans or not as bad?

[Melissa]

Well, having given birth once, I would say that was pretty tricky.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right.

[Melissa]

I think the dogs is, like, so natural to them. I've never had a dog really scream in pain.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't think they'd like a spinal tap?

[Melissa]

Yeah, they might, but it doesn't seem like they're in a lot. And when they are in pain, you see it, like, quivering in their. Like, their back. Their hindquarters will quiver. So you walk them. It helps them walk it off.

[Daniel Tosh]

You walk it off. You have a baby, imagine me telling my wife after giving birth, just walk it off. Tired of listening to you.

[Melissa]

Imagine doing it, like, 10 times, walking it off in between each one.

[Daniel Tosh]

You know, at one point I thought she was gonna have a litter, but thankfully, thankfully, two or three. There was some vanishing. At one point, I think we were up to three, and I was like, all of a sudden, they started disappearing. You know, a blessing to some. To us, blessing.

[Melissa]

A lot of work, though.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. What about cats? Everyone tries to pretend cats are smarter, but let's be clear. Nobody's using a cat to walk a blind person around lax.

[Melissa]

Well, cats love their houses. You're right. I mean, they don't want to leave the house.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. So I'm just saying, until a cat can walk a blind person around lax, I don't want to hear anyone tell me how much smarter they are than dogs. Is it true that the final test. Guide dogs will go to a musical, and if they can sit through the entire show focused, they pass?

[Melissa]

Yes. That's the final test.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's the final test? Is there a final test?

[Melissa]

There are final tests. So a service dog's gotta meet all their. There's different levels. So when they come into the prison, they're at the first level and they learn specific things, and then the second level, they learn. They have to learn all those things and be able to be proficient on the third level of those things, and then we know that they're ready. The guide dogs go through some real rigorous training, obviously. And one of the coolest things is that guide dogs learn intelligent disobedience. So if the visually impaired person says, walk on, go forward, and there's a car coming, that dog has learned and been taught to disobey. They're not going to walk. Visually impaired person in front of a moving car, off of platform, off of a whole bunch of stuff. So our instructors, which are up in Sylmar, they literally take them on a blind walk test. They're blindfolded, they're working them in the harness. They. They have to pass a whole bunch of.

[Daniel Tosh]

How often do the guide dogs have to kind of get re ups? Because you kind of constantly have to constantly be training your dog throughout their life.

[Melissa]

I don't know. I know that we check in with them, and I'm sure the clients have things that are going on, and we do have trainers that will fly out to our clients and help them, or we can do it on zoom.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, because I'm sure some of these owners that receive the dog while beneficial to their lives are not the best.

[Melissa]

Right, Trainers. That's right. They're not trainers. I mean, even though we've taught them how to use their dog. You're right. There's a lot that goes into this.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you guys try to. If you haven't know a dog is like a heavy shedder, do you say, oh, you'd be a good. For a blind person. They're not gonna care.

[Melissa]

They're not gonna care, right?

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, why can't we just breed out shedding? I mean, obviously I have a dog that doesn't shed. Like, let's do it to all dogs. Do you. You can't.

[Melissa]

Your dog doesn't shed at all?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, not really.

[Melissa]

Wow, that's great. Yeah, I know. Different times a year, it get. It gets pretty bad.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I know it gets. I see Pete. Pete walks in, he sleeps with his golden retriever, and he's just disgusting.

[Melissa]

Oh, she. No, she sheds. No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yes. He's covered in hair. This is cons. I don't get it. I don't get why that. That just seems like something like, oh, we. We can. We found a way to get rid of that. And that's all they do with breeding dogs anyway, is breed them to do certain things.

[Melissa]

They're taught to groom their animals, the people, the clients. That's one of the. They're taught to even trim their nails.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I trimmed my dog's nails, like, for the first few times. And then you're like, I'm not doing that ever again.

[Melissa]

I did hers. I'm done. They're too big.

[Daniel Tosh]

All you need is one time to hear the scream and watch blood go shooting across a room. And you're like, that's.

[Melissa]

You're not supposed to cut that far.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, really? Yeah, Yeah, I know. Well, maybe If I wasn't fighting so hard with this paw, I would have been able to get a tiny bit. Exactly. That's what I do.

[Melissa]

Excuse me for a while.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, please.

[Melissa]

Millie.

[Daniel Tosh]

Millie. No one's over there.

[Melissa]

Pete. Just show your face so she can. She thinks that there's something wrong.

[Daniel Tosh]

Let me see. Millie. Millie, put your face up here.

[Melissa]

Come here, Millie. She's not supposed to do this.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, don't do that.

[Melissa]

I can put her on my lap. Millie, come on.

[Daniel Tosh]

Just confused by this command. You have to walk around always with those.

[Melissa]

I know you love that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Treat back dorky hip sacs. Your pants are cool, by the way, but your hip sack just really takes.

[Melissa]

I know. It's like, it's hard to wear a.

[Daniel Tosh]

Dress when that's a good look.

[Melissa]

This is Millicent.

[Daniel Tosh]

Millicent.

[Melissa]

Well, Millie.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. Please don't torture some child having to say Millicent. Hi, Millie.

[Melissa]

So she was the first one born in the litter and. Hi, baby girl.

[Daniel Tosh]

How much longer do you have, Millie?

[Melissa]

I'll have her for another, what, year? Five months. So another 11 months or so. 12 months.

[Daniel Tosh]

And if she doesn't become a service dog, then you have to put her down?

[Melissa]

Yes. That's so sad. No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you ever get a chance to adopt them?

[Melissa]

Yeah, the puppy raiser gets first right of refusal.

[Daniel Tosh]

And then do you have to pay for it?

[Eddie Gosling]

No.

[Melissa]

Gosh.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. All right.

[Melissa]

And then beyond that, there's a nice long list of people.

[Daniel Tosh]

Have you always been a dog person?

[Melissa]

Yeah. Yeah. I grew up with dogs. And, yeah, my dad had hunting dogs and we had family pets and stuff.

[Daniel Tosh]

You ever trained a hunting dog?

[Melissa]

I haven't. My. I don't even think my dad didn't. I think he just sent you. Send him off to get trained.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. How many people do you disappoint every day by taking a cute puppy everywhere and not letting anyone pet it?

[Melissa]

Yeah, it's a lot of people. It's everybody. But I do try and let her. Hello. I do try and let her say hello to some people.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Melissa]

Just to get practice in. But she needs to be focused on me. But, yeah, probably like 100%. I disappoint.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Especially the children.

[Daniel Tosh]

You ever get any funny vests you put on them like that, say different things?

[Melissa]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Inappropriate things? No.

[Melissa]

Yes, exactly.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, Millie, come back to the floor with us. We'll be right back. Eddie, you know I love sleep. I like it better than being awake. And if I'm being honest, that's why I've got the pillow here from Coop Sleep Goods thank you for being here Coop. Maybe I'll take a nap in the studio between interviews. These pillows are crafted with a revolutionary blend of memory foam and microfiber. This pillow offers customizable support for immediate and lasting comfort. You can take their Better Sleep quiz to find the perfect pillow for you and a hundred night free trial to make sure they got it right. Wow. 86% of coop sleepers reported better sleep after switching their pillows to Coop and they have over 100,000 plus five star reviews. Upgrade your sleep visit coopsleepgoods.com tosh to get 20% off your first order. Oh, they're up in the game around here. That's coopsleepgoods.com tosh that's c o o p sleepgoods.com tosh Cold mornings holiday plans this is when I just want my wardrobe to be simple. Stuff that looks sharp, feels good and things I'll actually wear. For me, that's Quints and the bonus. Quint's pieces make great gifts too. This season's lineup is simple but smart and Easy with Quint's $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like an everyday luxury and wool coats that are equal parts stylish and durable. Their denim nails, the fit and everyday comfort all at a fraction of what you'd expect to pay. Quince has gifting covered beyond clothing too. Give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with quint. Go to quince.comtosh for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's q-u I n c e.com tosh free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comtosh Morning Zoe.

[Jeff Bridges]

Got donuts.

[Dana]

Jeff Bridges why are you still living above our garage?

[Jeff Bridges]

Well I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T Mobile commercial like you. Teach me so Dana oh.

[Melissa]

Oh no.

[Dana]

I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at T Mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[Caller]

Wow.

[Jeff Bridges]

Impressive. Let me try. T Mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network.

[Melissa]

Nice.

[Dana]

Jeffrey, you heard them.

[Daniel Tosh]

T Mobile is the best place to get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible trade in in any condition.

[Jeff Bridges]

So what are we having for lunch?

[Dana]

Dude, my work here is done.

[T-Mobile Ad Voice]

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[Daniel Tosh]

Pa show. I'm sure autism and PTSD dogs are impressive, but let's be honest, the SC are the superstars of the operation. Am I right?

[Melissa]

Yeah. Like I said, the intelligent disobedience that they teach them, I mean, that's pretty incredible that they are the eyes and basically the connection to the world for those people. They are superstars.

[Daniel Tosh]

What are the PTSD dogs? Why would one go PTSD versus autism?

[Melissa]

If you have two dogs that are pretty much the same, it's about their environment. This dog lives in a house with 10 other people. Millie was raised with a cat, so maybe she can go to a house with a cat and we know it'll be okay. But it's pretty similar and a lot of some of our veterans, it's from mobility too. So we can. They can open drawers, cabinets, they can bring things. They can pick things up for them, retrieve things for them.

[Daniel Tosh]

I never. When people say that, oh, like, my dog can do these tricks like open a cabinet, I'm never impressed because when I see it, I'm like, well, look at how shitty your cabinet looks now. Because you've had a dog gnawing on it to open it.

[Melissa]

It's got a little handle on it.

[Daniel Tosh]

They know to pull the handle. They're not using their paw to open it.

[Melissa]

No. They're not using their mouth.

[Daniel Tosh]

Everything in the house is covered in slime. I don't. I've got a pig. Do you think you could train it?

[Melissa]

Oh, my God. I can't believe you have a pig.

[Daniel Tosh]

Of course I do.

[Melissa]

What do you have a pig for?

[Daniel Tosh]

Why? Because my wife and her cousin.

[Melissa]

I just think that's the most hateful I would of a pig.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I do.

[Melissa]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

[Daniel Tosh]

Everyone tries to say that pigs are smarter than dogs, and I'm here to let you know it is not true.

[Melissa]

Oh, good.

[Eddie Gosling]

Ok.

[Melissa]

I'm glad to hear it.

[Daniel Tosh]

There's some simple tasks that they master immediately, like not going to the bathroom in the house.

[Melissa]

That's good.

[Daniel Tosh]

But past that, they just want to eat and they don't care anything. They just want to eat.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

The gross thing is the penis. Oh, it's Horrific. It has a corkscrew at the end.

[Caller]

Oh, God, no.

[Daniel Tosh]

And it's about 13 inches long.

[Melissa]

No, it's not.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's a pencil th. And it, like, drills into the ground. It's horrific.

[Melissa]

Oh, God. That is really. No, I'm glad I don't have. I could never have it.

[Daniel Tosh]

I did hear something that. Female pigs orgasm for 30 minutes. But, I mean, I'm like, who knows? I don't know. Do attack dogs, like German shepherds start out with puppy raisers?

[Melissa]

Well, I guess somebody's gotta raise them, right? Well, how does that go?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know. But German shepherds, these dogs that you buy for $100,000 that had been in Germany, and they only, you know, answered a German command.

[Melissa]

Do you think they just raise them on a farm with a. Like a kennel?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, those dogs are. I know people around here that have those dogs for protection on their property, and they are. I mean, it's a real thing.

[Melissa]

Do you think you can turn, like, an attack. I'm just turning the tables on you, a tack dog, into, like, a lap dog. Do you think that those dogs, like, forget their stuff?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I know a guy that can do it. Lane, if you're listening, you're the only one. Time I saw this guy in Malibu had two German shepherd attack dogs in this fence. And this guy goes, do not walk over to that fence. And Lane walks right over there and just. And gets both of them. And he goes, I've never seen another human be able to make those dogs just like that.

[Melissa]

It's his energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's pretty woman's heart.

[Melissa]

Lane is our breeding department manager. She has that energy. Every dog just immediately respects her.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I don't do. I don't. They don't respect me. They know that I'm, like, a little bit scared. Don't you ever think it's weird how almost all animals, if they knew how scared most humans are, could just destroy us all, take over the world? Right.

[Melissa]

Bears would be living here in Malibu.

[Daniel Tosh]

Sure. That's a no brainer. But, like, you get a squirrel with some confidence, like, I would be like, holy, we're moving, honey.

[Melissa]

Yeah, exactly.

[Daniel Tosh]

Come on.

[Melissa]

Exactly. Or the opossums. Oh, God. Possums are the worst.

[Daniel Tosh]

I had a bat in my son's room the other day.

[Melissa]

Oh, no, that's not you all.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's terrifying. It's a flying rat.

[Melissa]

He didn't bite anybody.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, he didn't bite anybody. But my son now sleeps in a casket.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Everybody'S on the show gets some gifts.

[Melissa]

Oh, wow.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, well, it's nothing good. It's just stuff I find around my house. Okay.

[Melissa]

It's not a pig, is it?

[Daniel Tosh]

Nope. This. I thought it'd be fun. You hang it. You hang it in a window and you terrify. You put in your shower to go.

[Eddie Gosling]

I love it.

[Melissa]

I need some decorations.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, this. I put it in my. I thought it'd be funny. It was too much for my children when I got yelled at by my wife to get it out of the way.

[Melissa]

Does it make noise or anything?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, no, you just stick it. Hide it in windows.

[Melissa]

I've got the perfect place for it.

[Daniel Tosh]

You put it in your neighbor's window? No, I just stick it.

[Melissa]

I need decorations.

[Daniel Tosh]

I put it in my wife's bed when I left town for a show.

[Melissa]

You did not.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yes, I did.

[Melissa]

You are mean to her.

[Daniel Tosh]

And she did not think it was funny.

[Melissa]

Yeah, it's.

[Daniel Tosh]

But anyway, it's nice. You're gonna like it. It's good too.

[Melissa]

She married you right here.

[Daniel Tosh]

This is. Some company sent me this. I can't wait for them to advertise on the show. Aura frames. I mean, I don't know who they are. They sent this to me and I was like, man, I can't wait to give this away.

[Melissa]

I'll let you know how it is.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're gonna love that. Wow. Go ahead and set that away.

[Melissa]

Thank you. Wowee.

[Daniel Tosh]

Here's a pillow from Coop. Pete, am I allowed to give this away?

[Melissa]

What?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, not yet. Oh, I gotta keep this.

[Eddie Gosling]

Sorry.

[Melissa]

I needed a pillow.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, here's something for you.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't want to. I'm tired of people scratching my desk. Can you move your water for a second?

[Melissa]

Is that a used sheet you're giving me?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, this is not. This is so I don't scratch my desk. You don't get the sheets.

[Melissa]

Oh, okay. Thank God.

[Daniel Tosh]

This was my pig while I was building his house.

[Melissa]

That's why she went in there. She was smelling your pig.

[Daniel Tosh]

I was using this for a temporary shelter for the pig while I was building the full.

[Melissa]

Did you have to hire a contractor for the pig's house? The new pig house?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yes. The guy that built my renovated. I have an Airstream. I'm like, hey, can you build a pig house?

[Melissa]

Did he pull permits?

[Caller]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Why would you bring that up?

[Melissa]

Sorry, I got caught last year or two years ago.

[Daniel Tosh]

I've been red tagged so many times. My house. If I sell my house, I have to do so much, you know, I.

[Melissa]

Love the Way you cleaned it up and everything for me, that was really.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't clean it. But if you need a dog house, this will be great. You'll love it. Here, get this off my desk. Pete. Hold on. I got more stuff for you.

[Melissa]

Oh, God. Oh, great.

[Daniel Tosh]

Have you ever used these? My dog.

[Melissa]

Oh, I need one.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, here's the thing. So this is to keep your dogs from eating too quickly. But I don't care anymore. Cause he's four. I'm like, just eat fast. I don't care, buddy. Do what you want.

[Melissa]

No, this is great. I got one for Millie and she's having a hard time figuring it out.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, good.

[Melissa]

And I don't know why.

[Daniel Tosh]

Here's some more pulled. Here's some vitamins I'm going to point out.

[Melissa]

Did you reuse these?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. So everything has been used. I don't like this stuff. You just throw it. Wow.

[Melissa]

What is this?

[Daniel Tosh]

Vitamins for your dogs?

[Melissa]

No, we have to be.

[Daniel Tosh]

What about a training leash? Do you need any extra ones of those? That never worked.

[Melissa]

It's been nicely chewed on too. Here.

[Daniel Tosh]

What is it?

[Melissa]

It's like. This is not safe.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I know.

[Melissa]

Like one good pull, Carl, and I'm losing my dog.

[Daniel Tosh]

You can't pull through that. That is small.

[Melissa]

Have you met Millie?

[Daniel Tosh]

She could totally.

[Melissa]

She's like the strongest dog. Millie.

[Daniel Tosh]

Love this leash.

[Melissa]

Wow. Mill. Lucky you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you ever have a small dog?

[Melissa]

No, I.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, whatever. Yeah, you'll still. You'll find. You give it away.

[Melissa]

Oh, look at that little water bowl.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, you traveled that. You put that little hip sack.

[Melissa]

Absolutely, absolutely.

[Daniel Tosh]

Pete walked around.

[Melissa]

You really dug in the bottom of the barrel for me, didn't you?

[Daniel Tosh]

This is good stuff. I don't know. What is this for? Tell me what that medicine's for.

[Melissa]

Yeah, the print is so small in here, I don't think anybody can read what it is.

[Daniel Tosh]

So get all this off my desk, please. You're going to love this.

[Melissa]

I didn't realize I was gonna get so many great. Millie's checking it all out.

[Daniel Tosh]

Sorry, Millie, before you got into doing this, you did work in television.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

You worked for Joan Rivers at one point.

[Melissa]

I was lucky. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I got when she was doing her late night show that Carson, Johnny Carson tried to blackball all of Hollywood from supporting her.

[Melissa]

Yeah, it was interesting time. It was Fox's first show. Fox wasn't even a network.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Melissa]

It was great. And Joan and Edgar were fantastic to work for. They were always really supportive of me. But it was the 80s and the people would Come dressed to the nines. And it was just like. It was an incredible time. I think our first show was Cher and Elton John. That was incredible.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, no, I mean, listen, everyone knows that she got screwed. Oh, Johnny. Johnny's so bitter.

[Melissa]

Yeah. What was that about?

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, listen, it breeded the next generation. Dave, Letterman and Jay and just all the. Everyone just kind. Constantly bickering over their late night television. Now, thankfully, Trump is in control of all late night television.

[Melissa]

Yeah, exactly.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you need a therapy dog after working with Judge Judy?

[Melissa]

No, she was great. She really was. I don't have any bad stories to tell. Sorry.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I don't want you to tell bad stories. She's a tiny little monster.

[Melissa]

Okay, I will tell you, the one thing is that I stage managed her. I ad it and I stage managed, but mostly I stage managed. And I'd have to go and get her before we'd be ready for the case. And you know, she'd be outside and I'd be like, judge, we're ready for you. I'm like, I turned to her one day, I said, you really hate that I tell you what to do, don't you?

[Eddie Gosling]

And she was like, have you ever.

[Daniel Tosh]

Seen the movie Air Bud?

[Melissa]

No, I've never seen it. Can you believe it?

[Daniel Tosh]

My friend, his dad, they run the empire, the Air Bud empire. They're up in Vancouver right now shooting a big new airbud movie in theaters.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I heard they were looking for like the new Air Bud or something.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh no, he's got a house full of them. No.

[Melissa]

Yeah, we could have put Millie up for it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you see the new Superman?

[Melissa]

No, but you know, we've been pairing with DC Comics about that. We went down to Comic Con and we did a whole. We were allowed to be in their booth and did a whole photo shoot and meet and greet with all of their characters and everything. It was really cool.

[Daniel Tosh]

What kind of dog did they use for the new one?

[Melissa]

It was his dog. They did a CG of his dog and he's a mutt.

[Daniel Tosh]

I think that's James Gunns dog.

[Melissa]

Yeah, it's a CG version of his dog.

[Daniel Tosh]

You mean they didn't really get him to do some of those stunts?

[Melissa]

Can you believe it?

[Daniel Tosh]

How does Guide Dogs of America know that a volunteer will be good at puppy raising? Or do they just take anybody that says they'll do it?

[Melissa]

Let's hope they don't do that. But I will tell you that that's the one commodity we could use more of.

[Daniel Tosh]

More volunteers, more puppy Raisers. Now is this one of the LA loopholes where like a lot of places won't allow you to have dogs if you're renting. But, but since they're future service animals, would they have to let you?

[Melissa]

I don't think they have to let you, but you do have to. If you're a renter, you have to have permission from your, your landlord.

[Daniel Tosh]

Can you be a puppy raiser and have a full time job?

[Melissa]

Yeah, oh absolutely.

[Daniel Tosh]

How do people get involved? Is it, is it easy? I mean like to reach out?

[Melissa]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So our website has a, you know, call them for volunteer.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's the website?

[Melissa]

Guidedogsofamerica.org can they be anywhere in the country? So we do have some razors in different parts of the country, but mostly the razors are here in Los Angeles. But all the way down to San Diego we have different areas. So you have an area leader that kind of, you have meetings and you can reach out to that area leader if you're having problems. There's so much support. If I needed to, Millie's too little to go into the kennel. But if I needed to go out of town, there's a ton of puppy sitters and puppy raisers that would take her.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, so you can be a puppy sit.

[Melissa]

You can be a puppy sitter.

[Daniel Tosh]

That seems nice. Just get a little, spend a good weekend or two with, with a beautiful dog.

[Melissa]

No, it's, it's really a lot of fun. But you, you as a puppysitter, you get, you get trained in all of our, our, you know, training techniques and everything. You have to go to a class to learn all that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you have to pay money?

[Melissa]

No, gosh, no.

[Daniel Tosh]

But you get paid a fortune.

[Melissa]

Yeah. In love and kisses and tail wags.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's not good. You can't pay the bills on tail wags.

[Melissa]

That's right. That's why we do have a lot of volunteers that are retired people.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh yeah, that's nice. Yeah, that seems like a. Maybe I'll talk to my father in law about that. He keeps trying to ask about like doing some other job stuff. I'm like, why don't you just go walk a dog?

[Melissa]

I'll tell you. The best job we have is called a puppy hugger. That's a job, the volunteer job. So it's in the nursery. When the dogs are three days old, we start handling them in specific ways. When we put little socks that we've cut out that, that we have to put over their heads and put their arms through so that they start getting the feeling of wearing a vest.

[Daniel Tosh]

And we handle them at three days old.

[Melissa]

Three days old? Yeah. Handle them in specific ways. Touch their paws, touch their muzzle, touch inside their ears. And then as they get a few days older, we'll hold them to our chest and hum them, we turn them upside down, all sorts of things. So they get used to that interaction with human beings.

[Daniel Tosh]

That job no longer sounds as good as it originally sounds. Sounded what? Well, dogs. When dogs come out, let's be clear, they're not the cutest thing.

[Melissa]

They're adorable. They have little Yoda ears. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, they're adorable. They're my favorite.

[Daniel Tosh]

I like week three. I think that's when they start to be adorable for me. No, no, I'm wrong because they got.

[Melissa]

Their teeth and they're biting everything.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that's. The teeth are so sharp.

[Melissa]

I forgot that everything is great between birth and about two weeks. You know, dogs can't see or. Or hear for. For about two weeks.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, how do we know?

[Melissa]

Yeah, you're right. Millie can. You want to interview her? Ask her the question, do they have a do?

[Daniel Tosh]

When baby. When baby. This question is gonna be so dumb. Just so you know. When dogs are born, do they have those tar poops like babies do?

[Melissa]

They do they have different. They. They do. I was just doing an overnight last night.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's an overnight?

[Melissa]

Oh, so I'm a whelper. So we have to go to the nursery and you go at 8 o' clock at night and leave at 8 o' clock in the morning. When we have mamas that are about to give birth. Give birth and are neonates, you gotta stay with them for a few nights because you just gotta make sure everything's okay. So I was with the neonates. The eight black labs are adorable, and dogs don't know how to pee or poop when they're born. So mama. That's why mama's licking them, because it stimulates them and gets them to pee or poop. Brings awareness to that area. So sometimes you got to help mama out. So you get a handy wipe and you're stimulating them, and I swear to God, it was like green. I don't know what came out of that dog, but there are some weird poops for sure.

[Daniel Tosh]

When do you recommend having a dog spayed and neutered and do all your service dogs get spayed and neutered?

[Melissa]

The service dogs do. The breeders do not. So we wait until about a year.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Melissa]

Natalie, our breeding manager, she's already looking at this litter, this M litter. She probably knows she needs to pull at least two breeders from that litter, so she gets first pick before they even go into the service program. So she says, millie is the dog I want, so she does not get fixed. The rest of the litter that's not chosen gets fixed.

[Daniel Tosh]

I just. So now you're gonna have a period on your hands at your house?

[Melissa]

Yeah, well, I've got it twice already at my house with the girls. Yeah. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

What do you do? How long does it last? For, like, 30 days, about three weeks.

[Melissa]

But the. The whole cycle can last a few months, like three to six months because it's. It's a long ramp into it and a long ramp out of it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you think dogs should get circumcised?

[Melissa]

I don't see how that's possible, but.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I mean, it's definitely got to be possible, right?

[Melissa]

I don't think so, no. How about your pig?

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, my pig. They. Let me tell you something. Forget the joke question. Getting him neutered was impossible. Really? Yeah. Apparently one of them didn't.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

And it was just like a real surgery.

[Melissa]

No, that's a big deal.

[Daniel Tosh]

But the problem was. So you have to wait longer because we want to hope something will. But in the meantime, the pig. They just spray semen everywhere as marking their territory. Are you kidding? And hold on. Wait for it. And it reeks to high heavens.

[Melissa]

I bet. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, it was just the worst. I was freaking out.

[Melissa]

That thing you gave me, that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Nah, he. That was. Well, passed. That was before.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, it was past past.

[Melissa]

Okay, good.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right now. Right now, I walk into your house, I say, I want Millie. I'll give you a. I write a check. Is there a number that makes you say, all right, take my dog?

[Melissa]

No. No, there is not.

[Daniel Tosh]

Go ahead and write a number on this paper now. Melissa, thank you for being on the show. I appreciate it very much.

[Melissa]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, bye. Millie.

[Melissa]

Millie.

[Daniel Tosh]

Millie's asleep.

[Melissa]

She's with all the swag.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good for Millie. Paw show. I want to thank Missy for being on the show. Want to thank her for all the hard work that she does. And, you know, I would say that it's a thankless job, but her job is not thankless. Her job is filled with immediate gratification by the animals giving her love and certainly by the families that are rewarded. You know, these amazing pets. Do you still get to call them a pet?

[Eddie Gosling]

Ah, good question.

[Daniel Tosh]

Or do you have to like, are they. They're an employee.

[Caller]

I'd say employee.

[Daniel Tosh]

I think you still call them a pet. We got some plugs. Eddie is going on tour with me. Going on tour without me sometimes. But my tour on sale now. We got a Billings, Montana. I'm looking forward to that. Okay. Salt Lake City, Utah. What could go wrong in Utah? South Lake Tahoe. Okay, getting a little closer to them. Portland, Oregon. Oh, my goodness. That's war country. Seattle, Washington. That's nice. Bellingham, Washington. Bellingham, looking forward to your show. I just got a little note from them that they do not allow any hate speech whatsoever during their performances, and they can cancel your show mid sentence with no repercussions. Well, good news, Bellingham. Nothing but love over here. Positive. I'm just. I'm just. I'm a positive performer. Now, I may say things sarcastically, but for the most part, just. Just oozing with kindness. Now then, where else we go? Vancouver, British Columbia. I haven't performed in Vancouver in a long time. I want to bop over to Vancouver Island. Actually, we should bring Lachlan with us. Oh, yeah, yeah, bring that guy. He was born on that island.

[Eddie Gosling]

Show us around.

[Daniel Tosh]

Sure. Okay, now it's time for the unsponsored segment where we find true love for my wife's cousin, Panda. I can't believe this isn't sponsored. We're putting ads all over this podcast. Now, why wouldn't we have this sponsored? Get somebody. What's. What's the Raya. What's the cool. Is that the cool one?

[Eddie Gosling]

What's the cool dating app?

[Daniel Tosh]

What's the cool dating app? Find out what the cool dating app is. Get them to sponsor this segment, because Lord knows what we're doing to find love for my wife's cousin isn't working. Now, I also would like to point out, forget a sponsor, I don't know why a producer hasn't come forward that says, yeah, we'll make this into a TV show, but we're worried about what we're gonna do for season two. Season two, her brother needs love. And. And I think that'll be fun as well. Okay. All right. You got any voice messages for me, Eddie?

[Melissa]

We do.

[Daniel Tosh]

What do you got? Hey, there.

[Caller]

My name is Andrew. I'm. I'm from Columbus, Ohio. I'm 33 years old, 5 foot 10, 160 pounds.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right?

[Caller]

I'm a white guy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Come on, guys. These 160. Yeah, she loves horses, okay? She doesn't want to marry a jockey. That guy's too small, too tiny. That's too tiny. You got to put some weight on your bones before you come knocking on this horse girl's stall.

[Eddie Gosling]

Yeah, go. Come on to her corral being 5.

[Daniel Tosh]

10, you know, 5 10, 160. Good grief.

[Eddie Gosling]

What is that?

[Daniel Tosh]

You can't call yourself a cowboy with that. With those. With those numbers.

[Eddie Gosling]

You stay in Ohio, sir?

[Daniel Tosh]

Columbus, Ohio. I mean, I do actually like Columbus. Is it my favorite city in Ohio? By a mile. It really is.

[Eddie Gosling]

You're not wrong there.

[Daniel Tosh]

I like it. All right. You got any more callers? Yeah.

[Eddie Gosling]

Another caller? Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, let me hear this guy.

[Caller]

Oh, hey, Tosh, this is Luke. I'm interested in panda.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Caller]

I'm six. Five on six. Four and a half. My dating profile. Say six five away. 195, 26 years old.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, young.

[Caller]

I'm a barista currently, but I'm looking to get back into corporate America. Oh. What else was I supposed to say? Oh, equine history. I think you're talking about horses. I had a horse, but he broke his leg, so we had to put him down. But his name was Archie, but I'm allergic. But I would still ride him. I would just get hives. I did not vote. I know I didn't do my civic duty, so I'm bad with politics, but I care. I care about the world.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, sure you do.

[Caller]

And I really think you and me would have a great time on vacation. Me and Panda doing our thing. Me and you doing our thing. Got some dark humor. I like comedy. I've done stand up once. Pretty shite. But, you know, how long is this? And I think we would just be buddies, me and you.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's not about us.

[Caller]

This is not about me and you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. Look at that.

[Caller]

I think sandwiches. I'm a good guy and come from decent folk, and I'm in Boulder, Colorado. All right. That's all I got.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, besides rambling on for ever, right? He seems great. Young, 26.

[Eddie Gosling]

Young. Tried comedy.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, he's. He's. He's. Technically, he's old enough. She could be his mom.

[Eddie Gosling]

Oh, there is.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, what do you mean? Well, just. I mean, yeah, if she had her period by 14 or 13.

[Eddie Gosling]

Yeah. No. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Then she definitely could be his mom looking. Isn't that all it takes? Yeah, Once you have your first period. She definitely had her first period by 14.

[Eddie Gosling]

That's pretty fun.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know if it's going to work out. We got to find. We got to find some different folks. Maybe we're going about this all wrong.

[Eddie Gosling]

Maybe we can get him back into corporate America.

[Daniel Tosh]

I got to start walking around malls. I got to start flyering, I think. Flyers. That might be the key to finding Panda. True love. We got to start flyering, guys. See you next week.