Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, LOVE THE TEEN YOU HAVE: A Practical Guide to Transforming Conflict into Connection

Summary

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Totally Booked with Zibby

Episode: Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart – Love the Teen You Have: A Practical Guide to Transforming Conflict into Connection
Date: December 1, 2025
Host: Zibby Owens
Guest: Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart

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Episode Overview

This episode features Zibby Owens in conversation with Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist, parent coach, and author of Love the Teen You Have. The discussion centers on actionable parenting strategies for connecting with tweens and teens (ages 9–19). Drawing from personal and professional experiences, Dr. Lockhart shares insights on communication, skill-building, handling emotional challenges, and breaking toxic cycles from past generations. The episode is rich with relatable anecdotes, practical advice, and validation for parents navigating the tricky teenage years.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Book’s Motivation and Purpose

• Dr. Lockhart’s book merges her own tumultuous teen years, clinical practice, and current parenting experiences.
• She aims to prevent disconnection and ruptured relationships between parents and teens by offering a relatable, evergreen resource.

  “It’s really a labor of love of my own teenage experiences, my professional work, and my personal work as a parent.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (03:43)

Why Teen Behavior is So Confusing

• Teen individuality and “individuation” are normal developmental stages.
• Parents often mistake independence for rejection or disrespect.
• The shift from child to teen can feel alien, yet it’s healthy and necessary.

  “It’s like a caterpillar-butterfly situation...they’re literally changing, and that’s a good thing.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (06:38)

Communication: The Essential Tool

• Relationship quality overrides parenting “hacks” in the teen years.
• The golden rule: Always get curious about what’s behind a behavior.

  “If you forget everything else about parenting…always get curious about what’s driving their behavior.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (09:36)

Example: Handling Rule-Breaking

• Dr. Lockhart describes responding with calm and curiosity when catching her daughter breaking a phone curfew (08:27).

  “I took a breath and said, give me your phone tonight and we’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

• Result: Her curiosity revealed sadness and a need for support, not mere defiance, so the conversation became supportive instead of punitive.

Timing Difficult Conversations

• Immediate reactions rarely lead to productive outcomes; both parents and teens need time to regulate emotions.
• Zibby observes that sometimes “it has to be a couple hours later when you’re like, what was going on with that?” (15:58)

  “If we address it in the moment, we’re dysregulated just as they are…When our emotions are firing on all cylinders, our brain will shut down.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (16:07)

Relationship-First Parenting

• Dr. Lockhart stresses shared fun and non-agenda bonding—ditch the “reminder trap” during light moments.
• The parent’s example sets the emotional tone for the home, not the teenager’s moods.

  “The change starts with us. We can’t allow our teenagers to set the tone in our house.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (18:21)

Developing Life Skills: Independence Over “Helicoptering”

• Teens need hands-on experience building “executive function skills”—time management, planning, judgment, etc.

• Parents often avoid making teens uncomfortable, robbing them of opportunities to develop life skills.

  “They don’t turn 18 and all of a sudden know these things. They have to have had them built over time.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (22:39)

• Examples: Planning gatherings, making meals, taking care of chores, social navigation.

When Is It “Just Teen Drama” vs. a Real Concern?

• Typical anxious or sad reactions are normal; the threshold for concern is when emotional states affect daily functioning (e.g., sleep, appetite, social withdrawal).

  “The difference between what is typical and what is abnormal is when it impacts functioning in some way.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (25:18)

• For severe changes (self-harm, social isolation, prolonged mood changes), seek professional help.

Sharing Your Own Past: How Much is Too Much?

• Dr. Lockhart recommends transparency in general terms but cautions against oversharing.
• Assess whether sharing a detail serves your child’s learning or just satisfies curiosity.

  “Is it more of a curiosity…or is this relevant to the story that they're sharing with me?” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (28:55)

Breaking Toxic Cycles: Authoritarian Parenting

• Dr. Lockhart advocates abandoning punitive, old-school parenting in favor of curiosity, respect, and repair.
• She encourages parents to ask: Would you accept this behavior from a boss or partner?

  “We need to move away from that. That helps no one…We have to get rid of that type of thinking—it was never okay and we need to do away with it.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (31:03)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Always get curious about what’s behind the behavior.”
  (Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, 09:36)

• “If we address it in the moment, we’re dysregulated just as they are…our logical, rational brain shuts down and all those emotions will take over on both sides.”
  (Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, 16:07)

• “The change starts with us. We can’t allow our teenagers to set the tone in our house.”
  (Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, 18:21)

• “They don’t turn 18 and all of a sudden know these things. They have to have had them built over time.”
  (Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, 22:39)

• “The difference between what is typical and what is abnormal is when it impacts functioning in some way.”
  (Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, 25:18)

• “Sharing, but not over sharing. And there is a very fine line because some of us have some pretty traumatic stories and our kids don’t need to hear about all of that.”
  (Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, 30:12)

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Timestamps of Key Segments

• 03:43 – Dr. Lockhart explains the multifaceted origins of her book.
• 05:58–07:08 – Why teenagers seem like “different people;” individuation.
• 07:54–09:36 – Dr. Lockhart’s “get curious” rule and a powerful example with her daughter.
• 16:07 – Why it’s best to delay addressing conflict until everyone is calm.
• 18:43–20:49 – Setting the relational “temperature” at home and skill-building.
• 22:39–24:32 – Building teens’ executive functioning and independence through practice.
• 24:59–27:46 – How to determine if a teen’s struggles are “normal” or require intervention.
• 28:06–30:37 – The balance of sharing your own past with your children.
• 30:57 – What Dr. Lockhart wishes parents would shift: abolishing authoritarian parenting and focusing on curiosity.

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Episode Tone & Style

The conversation is warm, validating, and practical, with touches of humor and real-world candor. Dr. Lockhart and Zibby both share parenting struggles and honest “aha” moments. Listeners will feel both comforted and encouraged, with actionable takeaways they can implement immediately.

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Takeaways for Parents

• Prioritize connection over compliance.
• Get curious, not furious—ask why, instead of reacting to, troubling behavior.
• Practice patience (and repetition) when teaching independence and life skills.
• Assess emotional shifts by their impact on daily functioning.
• Share your humanity with teens, but set boundaries on disclosure.
• Lead the emotional tone of the house—don’t hand it over to adolescent moods.
• Break cycles of fear-based or authoritarian parenting for healthier, happier relationships.

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For more insights, check out Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart’s book, “Love the Teen You Have,” and follow Zibby Owens for more author interviews and book recommendations.

Transcript

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

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[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

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[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

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[Zibby Owens]

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[Zibby Owens]

Hi, this is Zibby Owens and you're listening to Totally Booked with Zibby, formerly Moms don't have Time to Read Books. In my daily show, I interview today's latest best selling, buzziest or underrated authors and story creators whose work I think is worth your time. As a bookstore owner, publisher, author, and obviously podcaster, I get a comprehensive look at everything that's coming out and spend my time curating the best books so you don't have to stay in the know. Get insider insights and connect with guests like I do every single day. For more information, go to zibbedia.com and follow me on Instagram ibyoens. Dr. Ann Louise Lockhart is the author of Love the Teen. You have a A Practical Guide to Transforming Conflict into Connection. And by the way, this is not just for teens. It starts at age 9 through 18, so for anybody dealing with some of those issues, listen in. Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart is a pediatric psychologist, parent coach, speaker, and author. Having spent years feeling disconnected from her own mom during her teen years, she didn't want parents and teens to experience the same, so she wrote a book to help parents feel more connected with their teens. The book is titled love the teen you have and is currently available. Dr. Anne Louise has been featured in the New York Times, Parents HuffPost and on the Today Show. Her dynamic, relatable style has made her a trusted voice for parents nationwide. Welcome, Anne Louise. Thank you so much for coming on Totally Booked to talk about Love the teen you A practical guide to transforming conflict into connection. Congratulations.

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

Thank you. Thank you. I'm very excited.

[Zibby Owens]

This book could not come at a better time for me. I have four kids who fall into this bucket from age 10 to 18 and so I was eagerly dog hearing all the different pages of things that I was already doing wrong. Could be doing better. Anyway, I'm both overwhelmed and comforted by all the information in the book because it is incredibly, incredibly useful and easy to consume. And anyway, why don't you tell listeners more about what your book is about?

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

Definitely. So love the teen you have is really a combination of both my upbringing as a teen who felt misunderstood by my own mom, divorced mom of I was the youngest, she was struggling and I didn't feel heard by her because of her own stuff that she was dealing with. And it caused a lot of conflict and it caused a lot of my own teenage rebellion. And then really as a pediatric psychologist working in the field for 20 years as a parent coach, working with teens and parents and hearing the same thing coming up over and over and over again with parents who think their teens hate them when the teens just feel misunderstood and it's that same kind of raw stuff going on. And then as a parent to a 13 and 15 year old, making sure that I don't repeat those same cycles and breaking those things that are happening that I don't want to repeat again. So it's really a labor of love of my own teenage experiences, my professional work and my personal work as a parent. And I'm like, you know what? This stuff keeps coming up for parents and I want parents to have a better resource for teens to have a better resource so they can interact differently and that they don't have ruptures in relationships that they, they don't really need to have if they could just be more on the same page and be understood by one another. So that's really the motivation behind doing it, wanting to have this evergreen manual for parents of tweens and teens like 9 to 19. It's a big age gap and it's such an important developmental stage. And yeah, that's why I did it.

[Zibby Owens]

Oh my gosh. Have you watched the show the Middle? It came out in like 2009. And there's so many seasons. You see, I just started watching it off and on.

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

Yes.

[Zibby Owens]

Yeah, off and on. Anyway, there was this scene, and it just made me think so much of your book. We were just watching this, I don't know, two days ago, and the teen who's been just like, non communicative, this guy won't put on his shirt. It's just like, whatever, it's fine. And then one day comes in all put together and acting perfectly, and they're like, wait, did the bad teenage years just end? Is he suddenly now a normal person? Was he under there all along? And then his little sister comes in and she explodes and they're like, here we go again. So I feel like, is that. Is our teenage. Are they under there? What. What is the behavior and what is them? And how do you calm down while you figure it out?

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

Yeah, exactly. And that's what I think. So many times parents misunderstand because it is a tricky stage. And it's a different. It's like you have a different person. You have this baby, this toddler, this child that you know and love and understand, and then all of a sudden they switch it up on you and they're calling you bra and saying, six, seven. And it was like. And you're like. They're constantly trying to figure out their language and their lingo and their attitude and their body order and all these things that are going on. And it feels like you do, like. Like they've been invaded by this alien and you don't understand who they are. And. But that's normal. That's normal developmental stage. It's. It's what in psychology is called individuation and child development, being their own individual understanding that they are a person separate from you and they can have values and beliefs and ideals and habits different from you. And parents often get offended by that because they're like, well, that's not how I raised you. Why do you believe this? Or why do you think this? Or why do you eat this way? Why do you dress this way? And so, yeah, it's like a caterpillar butterfly situation. Like, they're literally changing, and that's a good thing. You want them to grow and change.

[Zibby Owens]

You have a lot of recommendations for how to communicate because that is really the basis of so much of the conflict. Right? We handle what we say, what we do, what they say, what they're doing. And not only do you have them in the book, but I watched a bunch of your videos and I was like of what not to do, which are very funny. You're so good at Instagram, by the way. Thank you, thank you. How do we know. And obviously I studied some of the things like how do. What are the guidelines in terms of just not messing up? And you also talk, of course in the book about being aware of perfectionism and that none of us can actually be perfect parents. And that's fine, fine, fine. But, but like how do we know when we're saying the right things, doing the right things in the moment when we're upset or when our kids are acting out? Like what?

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

How Just help my go to personally and professionally every single time. Okay. Because it's not about a bunch of hacks. There's certain hacks when you're potty training and when sleep training and all these things. Right. When you get into the tween teen years. It's not about shortcuts and hacks. It's really about the relationship. And that feels very cliche. I understand. But my go to is always looking behind the behavior. Always look behind the behavior, get curious about why the behavior is showing up and speak to and meet that need instead. So for example, I had several months ago now my 15 year old daughter, we have a curfew on the phone. I have a parent app, it shuts down the phone at 10pm you should be in bed by then, lights out, blah blah, blah. And I was going upstairs and I heard talking and I'm like, is this girl on the phone? So I come into her room and she's on the phone with somebody, a friend. And I'm like, are you on the phone? She's like, no. I'm like, dude, you're totally busted. So I wanted to react and be like, no phone for the rest of the week, whatever it is. But in that moment I took a breath and said, give me your phone tonight and we'll talk about this tomorrow. So I knew that in that moment I was going to react and I wasn't going to say things that needed that were going to be helpful. Put the phone. The next day I talked to her about. Tell me about the reason being on. You were on the phone after curfew. She said that she was feeling very sad, she wanted to talk to a friend and the friend was encouraging her. I was like, oh, that makes complete sense to me. In the future, if you feel like you need more support, you can talk to us. Which she had done earlier that night. And if you need more time to talk on the phone with a friend, Just tell me. And I told her, when I was a teenager, I was super sneaky and I don't need you to have that relationship with me. You could be open if there's things that are going on. So instead of punishing the behavior, which on the surface look like defiance, I got curious asking, kind of taking my breath, taking a pause, asking what the reason was, hearing it, feeling like, well, that makes sense, and being able to meet that need rather than react to the behavior. And I think that's the biggest thing that parents have to remember. If you forget everything else about parenting and you think you're screwing it up, always get curious about what's driving their behavior. Every time they're calling you names, insulting you, not want to get out of bed, not wanting to do their homework, failing their classes, not have any friends, whatever it is, always get curious about what's behind the behavior. Because then what you'll find it's there's something softer and more vulnerable. There's feeling lonely, depressed, anxious, not feeling good enough, feeling isolated, feeling whatever it is, there's usually something softer and more vulnerable going on that if you can see that, it will really even break your heart and you can have a different approach to them rather than seeing what's in front of you.

[Zibby Owens]

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[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

Right? And my husband, he often tells me, he's like, well, if we don't address it in the moment, they'll think it's okay. I'm like, no, that's not true. Because if we address it in the moment, we're dysregulated just as they are, and we're not thinking straight. And neither are they. When our emotions are like firing at on all cylinders, we, our brain will shut down. Our logical, regional, rational, reasonable part of our brain shuts down and then all those emotions will take over on both sides. So it's important for us to take a chill on in that moment. And that's why I wrote a chapter on that whole reacting versus responding. Because when we react, that's more impulsive, that's more punishment based. But when we respond, we can then take a breath, take a beat, think through, meet the need behind the behavior, and then respond more intentionally. And that's so important because if they see you flipping out as a parent and you can't handle their feelings, why would they ever go to you for anything? Right?

[Zibby Owens]

Very true. And I love how you say that to sort of shore up the strength of the relationship, to just go do something and don't bring up any issues. Go shopping and have fun or, you know, I don't know, like, like in the show we just watched where the whole family goes outside and plays football in the backyard. Just to bond. Right. Like you, you have to do those things without devices and just to try to find the fun, even if they don't necessarily want to do that.

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

Right, right. And I think we forget that because then we're doing the fun thing and we're like, hey, when we go back inside, make sure you do your laundry. Right. Like, we like that. We ruin the moment. I'm guilty of that. And so we have to remember that our teenagers, that's the number one complaint I hear from my therapy clients that they feel misunderstood by their parents. My mom doesn't get me. My dad doesn't get me. My stepdad doesn't get me. My grandpa doesn't get me. Like, they don't feel understood. And yes, we may not fully get what they're going through, but they have to feel seen by us. They have to know that what they're going through makes sense, that it's not. They're not just this weirdo and they're not the problem child. They have to understand that. And so much of our communication really centers around attacking the behavior that we want to change. While when they start acting right, then I can be a calmer parent. No, that's why I keep saying in the book over and over again, the change starts with us. We can't allow our teenagers to set the tone in our house. That's disastrous. We can't do that. We have to be the one that sets the temperature, because otherwise it's just you're going to lose control of your house. And that's why parents say things like, I'm walking on eggshells or I feel like I'm on a battlefield, because, well, you've given over the power to your teens. That's why.

[Zibby Owens]

Okay, this is encouraging, by the way. Ann, Louise, I want to hear about these rules that you broke. Like, your teen years sound pretty wild. Okay, what happened? What did you do? Let's hear. Let me have a few examples.

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

So by the time I was 10, my sister had graduated and left the house. By the time I was 13, my brother had gradually left the house, went off to College. So from 13 to 17, it was just me and my mom. Okay. And I was dating somebody that was much older than me that I shouldn't have been dating. That was a big issue. I would sneak around and not be where I was supposed to be. Again. I grew up on a small island, so if you were somewhere where you weren't supposed to be, your mom knew about it. Like, that's just. Yeah. So that that was a big. That was the biggest thing. A lot of sneaking and a lot of just disobeying. Not supposed to be on the phone, on the phone with this dude or out with people that I shouldn't have been out. Been out with. Nothing major where I was breaking the law, but just enough that it was causing problems in the house because I just became sneaky. And there's just a lot of things that I was just sneaking all the time and things that I was talking about with this person and with friends and so nothing like drugs, alcohol, wrecking cars and break, you know, breaking and entering. Nothing major like that.

[Zibby Owens]

I mean, I wasn't. That's not what I thought. I was like, oh, there's a. There's a total breaking and entering thing that. That was going on. Not at all. It was the last thing for mind. But anyway. That's funny. Oh my goodness. Okay. So some of the things that you talk about in terms of younger teens and setting the stage are boosting independence, setting up life skills, like using the time you have to make sure that your kids are doing all the age appropriate stuff on the right timeline so that they're ready to go out into the world. Like as if we have. It's not just that we're raising teens to be nice members of society or whatever. Like, we have a toolbox. Like there should be a checklist. These guys have to prepare a whole meal and you're like, tell them to have a whole party and plan the whole thing and tell me a little bit about that and the importance of these milestones. Not even milestones, these things. The tools that the kids should have.

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

Yeah, they're life skills and a lot of teens don't have them like they used to. And so a lot of it is big thing that I talk about on my platforms are executive function skills. One of my favorite topics. And executive functioning is one of those things that I wish we learned about sooner and that schools taught more often because it's the part of the brain in the prefrontal cortex. It's the last part of the brain to grow and develop. It's not done until mid-20s, some say 30. And it's the part of the brain that's responsible for time management and judgment and impulse control and attention and processing speed, your working memory, your personality, planning and prioritizing tasks, finishing something like it's. There's a lot of. There's a lot of things that that's responsible for, but they are skills, which means that they can be learned and Built over time. And so your tween, your teen, cannot learn how to sort, wash, finish, put away laundry unless they have lots and lots of practice in doing so. Same thing with planning a meal or a party or get together or organizing a slumber party. Like my daughter for her 13th birthday wanted 13 friends over and it was like this whole thing and I'm like, okay, well you have to plan all of it. I'll be there for you and help you out. But you plan and that's executive functioning because you have to figure out who you're inviting, how are you going to invite them, what time, what are you going to do, what kinds of snacks? Are you going to watch a movie? What are you going to go to sleep? Are you going to stay up all night? Like all these different things and all of those, it doesn't have to feel tasked ascii, but it is a set of skills. Same thing with cooking your own meal. Because what I find is that I have these teens and parents that I see and they, they keep doing these things for their, their kids. They're kind of helicoptery in a sense, but they're doing all these things because they can't do it or they don't want to do it. The teens don't. And so their parents are always doing it. And then they are 17 and 18 and graduating and moving off to high school or college or military or whatever, off on their own. And they don't know how to cook a meal, they don't know how to go grocery shopping or how to get together with friends and keep in touch with friends. Well, they don't turn 18 and all of a sudden know these things. They have to have had them built over time. And so I think it is so important to be able to teach them how to bounce back after being dumped by a friend, how to grieve the loss of a loved one, how to move past feeling your heart was broken, like failed grade. Like all of these things are skills. And if they've gotten straight A's, never had their heart broken, never had anyone pass away, and they never learned to work through these things, they're not going to automatically just know how to do that. So we are in the, we're really in the practice of skill building and habit formation for our tweens and teens. And that's what we have to do. And the problem for a lot of parents is that, well, like what I'm going through now with my 13 and 15 year old, the amount of repetition takes to get things done and it's like, well, yeah, because who wants to wash dishes and do their laundry and clean their room? Like that's. I would rather be watching YouTube. Like there are many other things they'd rather do. But that's why you're skill building and you're repeating and you're repeating and you're skill building and repeating because then eventually they get it. And I know that. What was it in Outliers where Malcolm Gladwell talks about, you know, 10,000 hours. Right, right. And it's like, oh, that's a lot. It's like 10 years. Like a lot of years.

[Zibby Owens]

A lot of dishes.

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

A lot of dishes. But that's the thing is that it's practice and practice and practice and practice until one day they just know how to do it. They just know how to cook meal, they know how to change the tires, whatever it is. Like you're just skill building. But it's exhausting as a parent.

[Zibby Owens]

Yeah, but so important.

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

So important.

[Zibby Owens]

You have a whole section about parenting kids through adhd, through depression, through some of the diagnosable things that affect teens commonly. How do you know? And I know this is a case by case basis, but for the parents out there who are wondering, is this normal for my teen or does my teen maybe need to see somebody? Like, where is the line? What do you tell people and how do they know?

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

Yes, one of my favorite questions, because lots of people will tell me, well, everybody, every kid is depressed or every kid is anxious. Every kid has adhd. Okay, no, that is not true. The stats actually say 1 in 5, so 20%. There are some recent stats with the gen zers that it's actually doubled since the pandemic. So it's almost 40%, which is insane to me. But, but typically it's about 20 to 40%. The most common are ADHD, depression, anxiety, autism, anxiety. Yes, Tourette's. And so those are very common that you will see. These often show up for our 2 to 19 year olds. That's kind of the age range that you'll see a lot of these things. But the difference between what is typical and then what is abnormal is when it impacts functioning in some way. So for example, you have a 10 year old who is anxious about their first day of school. Totally normal. They're anxious about going to the party where they don't know many people. Yeah. They have a presentation in class or a play that they have to perform and their stomach starts to hurt. Oh, totally. Totally normal. Your body should experience emotions when it starts to become Abnormal is when now every time there's a presentation, their stomach hurts, they're having diarrhea, they're throwing up. Now they have this fever, they don't want to go to any party because they're afraid of meeting anybod. They think everybody's talking about them, they think everybody hates them. They have this internal narrative going on in their head all the time. They're having a hard time going to sleep. Like when it starts to impact functioning. Their appetite, their weight, their eating, their social connections, all of those kinds of things. Their mood, that's when you might be looking at an anxiety disorder. Same thing with sadness and depression. They have a dog that died, a family member that moved away, a best friend that no longer wants to be their friend. You should feel sad in those moments. We expect that's your emotions are properly. But when they kind of move into this deep dark place where they don't ever want to make any more friends and they are isolating themselves from the world. When you start to see an impact in functioning, that's when you know like, okay, there's something going on that is not normal and typical. And that's when you can start with their pediatrician letting them know what's going on and possibly getting a referral to a therapist or psychologist for an evaluation and, or therapy and maybe even medication if it's severe enough. So if it's looking like depression to the point of suicidality or self harming or eating disorders, those are things where it might be more of an intervention but you want to also always look at, okay, what is typical for them and what's a shift in their personality. What's a shift in their functioning where this is not the person that I remember and they're not operating in the world like they typically do. So we always want to look at how is that impacting functioning and where is that shift happening?

[Zibby Owens]

How do you feel about. I know this was one of the no's, but when you were one of the no's was like, well, when I was your age, how much should we be sharing versus not? I mean, do you tell your kids about, you know, your older boyfriend and all that stuff? No, no, no.

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

It's so tricky because in this world that we live in of oversharing, there's so much out there, right? Because there's even things that my editor was saying, well, hey, why don't you say more about this in your book? Absolutely not. No, no, no. So my 15 year old has asked me several times recently about like, you know, did you date a lot when you were a teenager? And I was like, yeah. She's like, well, how many boyfriends did you have? I was like, I don't know if I'm quite ready to share that quite yet with you. She asked me that school, like, when she was like, 13 or 14. And so I think we have to be very wary of this. Me too. Sharing over sharing with our kids and also trying to be relatable. Not that you're this goody two shoes and did everything right either, but that you also lived your life and you had issues going on as well, too. So I share more in a general sense with my kids, and that's about even things in the world, like, more in a general sense versus specifics. Because I really want to ask myself, like, how does it benefit them to know all the specifics? Is it more of a curiosity? It's the same thing I tell myself when I'm doing a therapy session with a kiddo or an adult, and I. They say something and I'm like, oh, dang, what is that? I want to know more. Like, do I really? Is it more of like. Like, I'm trying to know more because I'm just morbidly curious, or is this relevant to the story that they're sharing with me? Right. So for me, I. I think the same thing. Like, when I'm sharing with my kids, my teenagers, is this relevant or is this more of a morbid curiosity? And so it is a real fine line because I have parents that share things with their teenagers. I'm like, oh, no, don't share that like that. No, they don't need to know that much about your. Your past life. Maybe as they get older, you can share more things. So, yeah, it. I don't. There's no hard, fast rule, but I think we have to be careful about over sharing in the attempt to feel like we're connected and vulnerable with our teenagers because some of the stuff that we went through, it might be too much for them to hear about.

[Zibby Owens]

Yeah.

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

Because even when I share about, like, my parents divorcing and my dad being this deadbeat who wasn't really in my life, like, when I share that, like, they're aware of that and they. They're like, mom, that's so sad that.

[Zibby Owens]

You didn't have a dad in your life.

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

And I was like, well, you know, like, it's not. It's not that big of a deal to me at this point. I've healed from it, and I don't go into the details about why yet that they divorced. And so I think we just have to know sharing, but not over sharing. And there is a very fine line because some of us have some pretty traumatic stories and our kids don't need to hear about all of that.

[Zibby Owens]

So just in closing, you do so much good work for families for teens, for parents trying to get their kids through this time with this book and everything. Like if you could wave a magic wand for something that would help you do your job better, like what is it? Is it more research in the field? Is it like what tools? What would you pick?

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

That's a great question. I believe one big one is for parents to and adults to let go of this old school authoritarian type parenting idea. I see a lot of stuff online that people just jump on in the comments when they hear about kid getting spanked or beaten or humiliated or embarrassed publicly. Like they love that that's how they were parented and that teaches kids a lesson and we need to move away from that. That helps no one. And whenever I flip it on adults and say if that's how your boss or your spouse or your partner handled your mistakes, would you be okay with that? And most of the times they say no. So I think we have to get rid of that type of thinking that it was never okay and we need to really do away with it. But I think the second thing is really being curious and about their behavior, seeing past the behavior. I think that's a huge one for a lot of parents because so often as parents we get offended by our teens behaviors and attitudes and eye rolls and tone and we don't stop enough to get outside of ourselves and not take it personally. And if we can see past the behavior, I think we'll have such a better relationship with our teenagers. And I see that with my own teens when they appreciate that I look past their bad grades or past their attitude or past the. The violation of the rule that we have in place. Trying to get curious opens the door to such a better relationship so we don't have to keep breaking cycles of regeneration.

[Zibby Owens]

I love that. Thank you, Ann. Louise, thank you for this. I am using this as a manual. I'm gonna keep it right here by my desk. Thank you. Thank you for this.

[Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart]

Thank you.

[Zibby Owens]

Okay, well, take care.

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[Zibby Owens]

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