Totally Booked with Zibby

Episode: Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart – Love the Teen You Have: A Practical Guide to Transforming Conflict into Connection
Date: December 1, 2025
Host: Zibby Owens
Guest: Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart

Episode Overview

This episode features Zibby Owens in conversation with Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist, parent coach, and author of Love the Teen You Have. The discussion centers on actionable parenting strategies for connecting with tweens and teens (ages 9–19). Drawing from personal and professional experiences, Dr. Lockhart shares insights on communication, skill-building, handling emotional challenges, and breaking toxic cycles from past generations. The episode is rich with relatable anecdotes, practical advice, and validation for parents navigating the tricky teenage years.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Book’s Motivation and Purpose

• Dr. Lockhart’s book merges her own tumultuous teen years, clinical practice, and current parenting experiences.
• She aims to prevent disconnection and ruptured relationships between parents and teens by offering a relatable, evergreen resource.

  “It’s really a labor of love of my own teenage experiences, my professional work, and my personal work as a parent.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (03:43)

Why Teen Behavior is So Confusing

• Teen individuality and “individuation” are normal developmental stages.
• Parents often mistake independence for rejection or disrespect.
• The shift from child to teen can feel alien, yet it’s healthy and necessary.

  “It’s like a caterpillar-butterfly situation...they’re literally changing, and that’s a good thing.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (06:38)

Communication: The Essential Tool

• Relationship quality overrides parenting “hacks” in the teen years.
• The golden rule: Always get curious about what’s behind a behavior.

  “If you forget everything else about parenting…always get curious about what’s driving their behavior.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (09:36)

Example: Handling Rule-Breaking

• Dr. Lockhart describes responding with calm and curiosity when catching her daughter breaking a phone curfew (08:27).

  “I took a breath and said, give me your phone tonight and we’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

• Result: Her curiosity revealed sadness and a need for support, not mere defiance, so the conversation became supportive instead of punitive.

Timing Difficult Conversations

• Immediate reactions rarely lead to productive outcomes; both parents and teens need time to regulate emotions.
• Zibby observes that sometimes “it has to be a couple hours later when you’re like, what was going on with that?” (15:58)

  “If we address it in the moment, we’re dysregulated just as they are…When our emotions are firing on all cylinders, our brain will shut down.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (16:07)

Relationship-First Parenting

• Dr. Lockhart stresses shared fun and non-agenda bonding—ditch the “reminder trap” during light moments.
• The parent’s example sets the emotional tone for the home, not the teenager’s moods.

  “The change starts with us. We can’t allow our teenagers to set the tone in our house.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (18:21)

Developing Life Skills: Independence Over “Helicoptering”

• Teens need hands-on experience building “executive function skills”—time management, planning, judgment, etc.

• Parents often avoid making teens uncomfortable, robbing them of opportunities to develop life skills.

  “They don’t turn 18 and all of a sudden know these things. They have to have had them built over time.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (22:39)

• Examples: Planning gatherings, making meals, taking care of chores, social navigation.

When Is It “Just Teen Drama” vs. a Real Concern?

• Typical anxious or sad reactions are normal; the threshold for concern is when emotional states affect daily functioning (e.g., sleep, appetite, social withdrawal).

  “The difference between what is typical and what is abnormal is when it impacts functioning in some way.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (25:18)

• For severe changes (self-harm, social isolation, prolonged mood changes), seek professional help.

Sharing Your Own Past: How Much is Too Much?

• Dr. Lockhart recommends transparency in general terms but cautions against oversharing.
• Assess whether sharing a detail serves your child’s learning or just satisfies curiosity.

  “Is it more of a curiosity…or is this relevant to the story that they're sharing with me?” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (28:55)

Breaking Toxic Cycles: Authoritarian Parenting

• Dr. Lockhart advocates abandoning punitive, old-school parenting in favor of curiosity, respect, and repair.
• She encourages parents to ask: Would you accept this behavior from a boss or partner?

  “We need to move away from that. That helps no one…We have to get rid of that type of thinking—it was never okay and we need to do away with it.” — Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (31:03)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Always get curious about what’s behind the behavior.”
  (Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, 09:36)

• “If we address it in the moment, we’re dysregulated just as they are…our logical, rational brain shuts down and all those emotions will take over on both sides.”
  (Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, 16:07)

• “The change starts with us. We can’t allow our teenagers to set the tone in our house.”
  (Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, 18:21)

• “They don’t turn 18 and all of a sudden know these things. They have to have had them built over time.”
  (Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, 22:39)

• “The difference between what is typical and what is abnormal is when it impacts functioning in some way.”
  (Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, 25:18)

• “Sharing, but not over sharing. And there is a very fine line because some of us have some pretty traumatic stories and our kids don’t need to hear about all of that.”
  (Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, 30:12)

Timestamps of Key Segments

• 03:43 – Dr. Lockhart explains the multifaceted origins of her book.
• 05:58–07:08 – Why teenagers seem like “different people;” individuation.
• 07:54–09:36 – Dr. Lockhart’s “get curious” rule and a powerful example with her daughter.
• 16:07 – Why it’s best to delay addressing conflict until everyone is calm.
• 18:43–20:49 – Setting the relational “temperature” at home and skill-building.
• 22:39–24:32 – Building teens’ executive functioning and independence through practice.
• 24:59–27:46 – How to determine if a teen’s struggles are “normal” or require intervention.
• 28:06–30:37 – The balance of sharing your own past with your children.
• 30:57 – What Dr. Lockhart wishes parents would shift: abolishing authoritarian parenting and focusing on curiosity.

Episode Tone & Style

The conversation is warm, validating, and practical, with touches of humor and real-world candor. Dr. Lockhart and Zibby both share parenting struggles and honest “aha” moments. Listeners will feel both comforted and encouraged, with actionable takeaways they can implement immediately.

Takeaways for Parents

• Prioritize connection over compliance.
• Get curious, not furious—ask why, instead of reacting to, troubling behavior.
• Practice patience (and repetition) when teaching independence and life skills.
• Assess emotional shifts by their impact on daily functioning.
• Share your humanity with teens, but set boundaries on disclosure.
• Lead the emotional tone of the house—don’t hand it over to adolescent moods.
• Break cycles of fear-based or authoritarian parenting for healthier, happier relationships.

For more insights, check out Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart’s book, “Love the Teen You Have,” and follow Zibby Owens for more author interviews and book recommendations.