Totally Booked with Zibby

Episode: Losing the Guilt with Dr. Jennifer Reid
Date: February 18, 2026
Host: Zibby Owens
Guest: Dr. Jennifer Reid

Episode Overview

This engaging episode of “Totally Booked with Zibby” features Dr. Jennifer Reid, psychiatrist, author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations, and host of A Mind of Her Own podcast, in a lively discussion about the pervasive experience of guilt, especially among women. Recorded in front of a live audience at Zibby’s children’s school, the conversation dives into how guilt becomes maladaptive, how cultural expectations affect us, and practical strategies for breaking the guilt cycle. Dr. Reid draws from her clinical experience, research, and personal life to offer listeners guidance on understanding and easing unnecessary guilt.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

The Pervasiveness and Origins of Guilt (06:08–09:10)

• Guilt as Universal Experience: Dr. Reid shares that chronic guilt is a common theme in her patients and herself—especially as women, “we wear a lot of hats...and it was showing up kind of across the board and was really this very broad, generalized, heavy, burdensome guilt.” (06:12)
• Adaptive vs. Maladaptive Guilt: She distinguishes between helpful (adaptive) guilt—linked to specific incidents where someone is harmed and we wish to repair—and toxic (maladaptive) guilt coming from vague, omnipresent feelings of not doing “enough.”
  • “The healthy guilt allows us to connect and form community... But what I’m finding... it’s this just constant sense: I’m just not doing enough.” (07:05)
• Gender Differences: While not exclusive to women, Dr. Reid discusses how “women seem to experience a disproportionate amount of this kind of guilt.” She also notes similar guilt appears in men, especially in caretaking professions. (08:16)

The Guilt Equation & Managing Self-Expectations (09:20–14:52)

• Personal Guilt Stories: Dr. Reid recounted her own moment of guilt when her son had to walk home in cold weather due to her podcast recording obligations, illustrating real-life triggers.
  • “What are the expectations here? That I will be available to him 24 hours a day until when?” (10:15)
• The Guilt Equation: Dr. Reid introduces her framework for understanding guilt:
  • Guilt = Expectations – Perceived Reality
  • Emphasizes the unfairness of expectations and how women often “tear the scale,” discounting everything they’ve already done.
• Sources of Unreasonable Expectations: Four key cultural expectations for women, per Dr. Reid:
  1. Constant caretaking (across all roles)
  2. Hyper-accountability (believing we can control others’ emotions)
     • “I cleaned the house so that my mother wouldn’t be disappointed... I planned this party so that my son would be so happy.” (13:40)
  3. Perfection and self-control (body, habits, productivity)
  4. Effortless balance (“have it all” without struggle)

Practical Strategies for Easing Guilt (12:01–17:22)

• Self-Talk Awareness: Notice hyperbolic, critical inner dialogue; question where expectations originate and whether they are fair.
• The Cost of Using Guilt as Motivation: “It can work in the short term... but it’s actually a pretty expensive way to motivate ourselves.” (15:12)
• The Power of Self-Compassion: Research shows self-compassion motivates better than guilt. Dr. Reid urges kindness to oneself and mindful awareness, echoing the three tenets of self-compassion:
  1. Treat yourself with kindness.
  2. Recognize common humanity—others feel this too.
  3. Practice presence and mindfulness.
  • “I would like to make a change to that is a lot different than saying, ‘I can’t believe I’m not doing that... I never keep them.’ This language... is powerful.” (16:36)

Navigating Guilt from Others & Boundaries (20:53–22:42)

• Recognizing Manipulation: Notice if particular interactions routinely leave you feeling guilty.
• Boundaries Explained: Not “walls” but “safe structures that allow for free communication.” Setting and upholding boundaries—even if met with pushback—is crucial, especially in family or work systems.

Deepening Self-Understanding: Guilt Triggers & Therapy (23:07–24:55)

• Finding Your Unique Triggers: Dr. Reid likens guilt to a custom fit; it’s essential to “examine your own guilt” rather than apply someone else’s solutions.
• Therapeutic Process: She guides clients to get specific—dissecting particular incidents to understand which expectations or experiences are at play.

Parenting, Guilt, and Uncertainty (24:38–27:14)

• Modern Parenting Anxiety: Today’s parents feel acute guilt due to the pressure to control outcomes in an uncertain world.
  • “It’s hard as a parent to let your child go out into the world just walking around with a piece of you.” (25:41)
• Guilt as Attempted Control: Guilt sometimes helps us feel we can influence things we cannot—like children’s happiness and safety.

Cultivating Self-Compassion & Recognizing Universal Guilt (27:14–31:06)

• Self-Friendliness Exercise: Dr. Reid advises asking, “How would you speak to a friend in this situation?” to disrupt harsh self-criticism.
• Guilt Across Geography & Generations: From North Dakota to New York, Dr. Reid confirms: “It really is pervasive... it exists everywhere and it exists across time.” (29:51)
  • Even a woman in her 80s admitted, “It just, it never goes away. I still have guilt all the time.” (30:00)

Vision for Change and Final Reflections (31:10–32:12)

• Hope for a Guilt-Free World: Dr. Reid aspires for women to come together, share their experiences, and “remove this overlay of guilt so that they can go out and do the things that we need to change the world.” (31:53)

Notable Quotes

• On chronic guilt:
  “It was showing up kind of across the board and was really this very broad, generalized, heavy, burdensome guilt…” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (06:12)

• On expectations:
  “I think women face a different level of expectations that can create some guilt...” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (08:16)

• On the guilt equation:
  “What are the expectations creating guilt for me and where did they come from? This is important. It's not because we ourselves are setting these absolutely sky high unreasonable expectations in a vacuum.” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (12:15)

• On using guilt to motivate:
  “It’s actually a pretty expensive way to motivate ourselves. It’s costly because it means we’re starting from behind.” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (15:15)

• On boundaries:
  “Boundaries are not putting up a wall between you and someone else. Boundaries are creating this safe structure that allow you to have free communication.” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (21:11)

• On universality of guilt:
  “It really is pervasive... it may shift a little bit in what those specific expectations are of what a woman should be doing, but it exists everywhere and it exists across time.” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (29:51)

• On her hope for women:
  “When I’m really in my dream, dream zone... that’s what I come up with: women being able to kind of remove this overlay of guilt so that they can go out and do the things that we need to change the world.” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (31:51)

Memorable Moments & Audience Engagement

• Live audience energy throughout, including playful guessing games about Dr. Reid’s home state (North Dakota). (29:19–29:32)
• Relatable anecdotes—dealing with cold walks home, ill-fitting pants, parental perfection—brought knowing laughter and “me too” moments from the crowd.

Key Timestamps for Major Segments

|Segment|Timestamp| |:--|:--| |Intro & Book/Guest Background | 03:46–05:14| |Defining and Dissecting Guilt | 06:08–09:10| |Guilt Equation & Expectations | 09:20–14:52| |Practical Self-Talk Strategies | 12:01–17:22| |Setting Boundaries | 20:53–22:42| |Therapy and Unique Triggers | 23:07–24:55| |Parent Guilt & Control | 24:38–27:14| |Self-Friendliness & Universality | 27:14–31:06| |Closing Reflections | 31:10–32:12|

Conclusion

This thoughtfully candid conversation with Dr. Jennifer Reid leaves listeners with practical ways to understand and combat unreasonable guilt, blending psychological research, everyday examples, and warm humor. Dr. Reid’s advice—pause, notice your expectations, speak kindly to yourself, and set boundaries—is a lifeline for anyone striving to reclaim their life from guilt’s grasp. Guilt Free offers not just a diagnosis, but a toolkit for lasting change.

Further Information:

• Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations by Dr. Jennifer Reid
• Dr. Jennifer Reid: [A Mind of Her Own podcast & substack]
• Host: Zibby Owens – Instagram @zibbyowens | zibbymedia.com

Listen to the episode for more insights and real-life stories!