Losing the Guilt with Dr. Jennifer Reid

Summary

Totally Booked with Zibby

Episode: Losing the Guilt with Dr. Jennifer Reid
Date: February 18, 2026
Host: Zibby Owens
Guest: Dr. Jennifer Reid

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Episode Overview

This engaging episode of “Totally Booked with Zibby” features Dr. Jennifer Reid, psychiatrist, author of Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations, and host of A Mind of Her Own podcast, in a lively discussion about the pervasive experience of guilt, especially among women. Recorded in front of a live audience at Zibby’s children’s school, the conversation dives into how guilt becomes maladaptive, how cultural expectations affect us, and practical strategies for breaking the guilt cycle. Dr. Reid draws from her clinical experience, research, and personal life to offer listeners guidance on understanding and easing unnecessary guilt.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

The Pervasiveness and Origins of Guilt (06:08–09:10)

• Guilt as Universal Experience: Dr. Reid shares that chronic guilt is a common theme in her patients and herself—especially as women, “we wear a lot of hats...and it was showing up kind of across the board and was really this very broad, generalized, heavy, burdensome guilt.” (06:12)
• Adaptive vs. Maladaptive Guilt: She distinguishes between helpful (adaptive) guilt—linked to specific incidents where someone is harmed and we wish to repair—and toxic (maladaptive) guilt coming from vague, omnipresent feelings of not doing “enough.”
  • “The healthy guilt allows us to connect and form community... But what I’m finding... it’s this just constant sense: I’m just not doing enough.” (07:05)
• Gender Differences: While not exclusive to women, Dr. Reid discusses how “women seem to experience a disproportionate amount of this kind of guilt.” She also notes similar guilt appears in men, especially in caretaking professions. (08:16)

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The Guilt Equation & Managing Self-Expectations (09:20–14:52)

• Personal Guilt Stories: Dr. Reid recounted her own moment of guilt when her son had to walk home in cold weather due to her podcast recording obligations, illustrating real-life triggers.
  • “What are the expectations here? That I will be available to him 24 hours a day until when?” (10:15)
• The Guilt Equation: Dr. Reid introduces her framework for understanding guilt:
  • Guilt = Expectations – Perceived Reality
  • Emphasizes the unfairness of expectations and how women often “tear the scale,” discounting everything they’ve already done.
• Sources of Unreasonable Expectations: Four key cultural expectations for women, per Dr. Reid:
  1. Constant caretaking (across all roles)
  2. Hyper-accountability (believing we can control others’ emotions)
     • “I cleaned the house so that my mother wouldn’t be disappointed... I planned this party so that my son would be so happy.” (13:40)
  3. Perfection and self-control (body, habits, productivity)
  4. Effortless balance (“have it all” without struggle)

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Practical Strategies for Easing Guilt (12:01–17:22)

• Self-Talk Awareness: Notice hyperbolic, critical inner dialogue; question where expectations originate and whether they are fair.
• The Cost of Using Guilt as Motivation: “It can work in the short term... but it’s actually a pretty expensive way to motivate ourselves.” (15:12)
• The Power of Self-Compassion: Research shows self-compassion motivates better than guilt. Dr. Reid urges kindness to oneself and mindful awareness, echoing the three tenets of self-compassion:
  1. Treat yourself with kindness.
  2. Recognize common humanity—others feel this too.
  3. Practice presence and mindfulness.
  • “I would like to make a change to that is a lot different than saying, ‘I can’t believe I’m not doing that... I never keep them.’ This language... is powerful.” (16:36)

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Navigating Guilt from Others & Boundaries (20:53–22:42)

• Recognizing Manipulation: Notice if particular interactions routinely leave you feeling guilty.
• Boundaries Explained: Not “walls” but “safe structures that allow for free communication.” Setting and upholding boundaries—even if met with pushback—is crucial, especially in family or work systems.

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Deepening Self-Understanding: Guilt Triggers & Therapy (23:07–24:55)

• Finding Your Unique Triggers: Dr. Reid likens guilt to a custom fit; it’s essential to “examine your own guilt” rather than apply someone else’s solutions.
• Therapeutic Process: She guides clients to get specific—dissecting particular incidents to understand which expectations or experiences are at play.

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Parenting, Guilt, and Uncertainty (24:38–27:14)

• Modern Parenting Anxiety: Today’s parents feel acute guilt due to the pressure to control outcomes in an uncertain world.
  • “It’s hard as a parent to let your child go out into the world just walking around with a piece of you.” (25:41)
• Guilt as Attempted Control: Guilt sometimes helps us feel we can influence things we cannot—like children’s happiness and safety.

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Cultivating Self-Compassion & Recognizing Universal Guilt (27:14–31:06)

• Self-Friendliness Exercise: Dr. Reid advises asking, “How would you speak to a friend in this situation?” to disrupt harsh self-criticism.
• Guilt Across Geography & Generations: From North Dakota to New York, Dr. Reid confirms: “It really is pervasive... it exists everywhere and it exists across time.” (29:51)
  • Even a woman in her 80s admitted, “It just, it never goes away. I still have guilt all the time.” (30:00)

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Vision for Change and Final Reflections (31:10–32:12)

• Hope for a Guilt-Free World: Dr. Reid aspires for women to come together, share their experiences, and “remove this overlay of guilt so that they can go out and do the things that we need to change the world.” (31:53)

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Notable Quotes

• On chronic guilt:
  “It was showing up kind of across the board and was really this very broad, generalized, heavy, burdensome guilt…” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (06:12)

• On expectations:
  “I think women face a different level of expectations that can create some guilt...” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (08:16)

• On the guilt equation:
  “What are the expectations creating guilt for me and where did they come from? This is important. It's not because we ourselves are setting these absolutely sky high unreasonable expectations in a vacuum.” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (12:15)

• On using guilt to motivate:
  “It’s actually a pretty expensive way to motivate ourselves. It’s costly because it means we’re starting from behind.” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (15:15)

• On boundaries:
  “Boundaries are not putting up a wall between you and someone else. Boundaries are creating this safe structure that allow you to have free communication.” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (21:11)

• On universality of guilt:
  “It really is pervasive... it may shift a little bit in what those specific expectations are of what a woman should be doing, but it exists everywhere and it exists across time.” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (29:51)

• On her hope for women:
  “When I’m really in my dream, dream zone... that’s what I come up with: women being able to kind of remove this overlay of guilt so that they can go out and do the things that we need to change the world.” —Dr. Jennifer Reid (31:51)

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Memorable Moments & Audience Engagement

• Live audience energy throughout, including playful guessing games about Dr. Reid’s home state (North Dakota). (29:19–29:32)
• Relatable anecdotes—dealing with cold walks home, ill-fitting pants, parental perfection—brought knowing laughter and “me too” moments from the crowd.

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Key Timestamps for Major Segments

|Segment|Timestamp| |:--|:--| |Intro & Book/Guest Background | 03:46–05:14| |Defining and Dissecting Guilt | 06:08–09:10| |Guilt Equation & Expectations | 09:20–14:52| |Practical Self-Talk Strategies | 12:01–17:22| |Setting Boundaries | 20:53–22:42| |Therapy and Unique Triggers | 23:07–24:55| |Parent Guilt & Control | 24:38–27:14| |Self-Friendliness & Universality | 27:14–31:06| |Closing Reflections | 31:10–32:12|

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Conclusion

This thoughtfully candid conversation with Dr. Jennifer Reid leaves listeners with practical ways to understand and combat unreasonable guilt, blending psychological research, everyday examples, and warm humor. Dr. Reid’s advice—pause, notice your expectations, speak kindly to yourself, and set boundaries—is a lifeline for anyone striving to reclaim their life from guilt’s grasp. Guilt Free offers not just a diagnosis, but a toolkit for lasting change.

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Further Information:

• Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life from Unreasonable Expectations by Dr. Jennifer Reid
• Dr. Jennifer Reid: [A Mind of Her Own podcast & substack]
• Host: Zibby Owens – Instagram @zibbyowens | zibbymedia.com

Listen to the episode for more insights and real-life stories!

Transcript

[Zibby Owens]

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[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Me.

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[Zibby Owens]

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[Event Host / Interviewer]

Think is worth your time.

[Zibby Owens]

As a bookstore owner, publisher, author and obviously podcaster, I get a comprehensive look at everything that's coming out and spend my time curating the best books so you don't have to stay in the know. Get insider insights and connect with guests like I do every single day. For more information, go to zibbymedia.com and follow me on Instagram ibbyowens. I really enjoyed interviewing Dr. Jennifer Reed at my kids school which is where I host a sort of twice a year interview series for the Parent Association. This is how I get my volunteer credit. Basically. Jennifer Reed came up from the Philadelphia area to do the event at school with us and we had such a great time. There was a lovely crowd that showed up to hear and to want to feel less guilt. Her book is Guilt Free, Reclaiming youg Life from Unreasonable Expectations and I thought it would be a good fit for the type a audience of parents at the school. Dr. Reed is a psychiatrist. She's the creator and host of A Mind of Her Own podcast and substack and as I mentioned, author of Guilt Free. She's a regular contributor to Psychology Today and an assistant professor at the University of Pennsylvania where she teaches the next generation of psychiatrists. She lives outside Philadelphia with her husbands and two sons.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Welcome Dr. Reeb thank you so much for coming on.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Totally Booked to discuss your book guilt free. Thank you so much for having me. Zibby, this is really a treat to do it in front of a live audience.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Well, and congratulations. How does it feel to have your book in the world?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

It feels amazing. We're one day out and it already feels like it's a whole new world.

[Zibby Owens]

Round of applause for pub day. Pub week, rather.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

So a couple years ago I met a friend of mine named Andrea for coffee and I was like, how's everything going? And she's like, actually, it's great. I've decided I'm not going to feel guilty anymore. And I was like, what are you talking about? She's like, yeah, I just decided I'm just going to do my thing and I'm going to work in the city some days I'm going to be with my kids and I'm just not going to feel guilty about it. And now I'm like so happy. And I was like, I didn't realize you could decide not to feel guilty. Like, I didn't realize that was an option. Is that an option? Tell us about guilt.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Oh, I wish that were an option. I'd love a follow up interview with your friend.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Okay, I'll get her on.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Okay, perfect, perfect. No, I think that it is something that I was hearing in my practice. I was hearing from friends, from family. I was experiencing myself sort of constant state of just feeling like I wasn't doing enough, I wasn't productive enough, I wasn't doing enough for my children, for my spouse, for my body, for my future. And I found that when I started asking other people about was showing up in all of our different roles as women. And I think we wear a lot of hats, right? We're daughters, we're mothers, we're sisters, we're colleagues, we're teachers, we're volunteers. And it was showing up kind of across the board and was really this very broad, generalized, heavy, burdensome guilt, which is very different from sort of guilt that we evolved to experience, which actually can be quite adaptive, in fact.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

So how do you know when you have maladaptive guilt?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Well, I think the most adaptive guilt is based on some specific situation. So something happened, maybe someone else was harmed in some way. I recognize that I played a part in that. And what I want to do now, I feel really badly. I'm empathizing with you. You're feeling badly, I'm feeling badly. Let me see if I can repair, apologize, move toward you, try and make it Better. That's the healthy type of guilt. That's what actually allowed us over the years to connect and inform community. Because you're saying, I notice you, I see that you're hurting, and I care, and I want to try and make it better. But what I'm finding with the kind of guilt I write about in the book, it's this just constant sense. I'm just not doing enough. That word comes up a lot should. Comes up a lot. Words like, I'm never able to do this, or I'm always doing this. We find that we speak in hyperbole. And that's the kind of guilt that I think can be so toxic because it's just everywhere. It sort of, you know, pervades our entire lives, particularly as women.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

I feel like there's some men here who might feel guilty about things.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Absolutely.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Okay, we got a few nods. Maybe I'm just calling them out. Is it more pervasive or is it women talk about it more?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

That's a good way to put that. You know, I think that certainly in my experience, clinically and personally, women seem to experience a disproportionate amount of this kind of guilt. Of course men feel guilty. And interestingly, I think there are differences in particular, maybe work culture. So someone who works in health care, for example, as my husband does, or teaches, or some other caregiving, caretaking profession, there can be a lot of guilt that can come up there because the sense of enough becomes elusive. What is actually enough when it comes to caretaking? And I think you certainly can. Doesn't, you know, define by one particular gender. You don't find it only in men and women, but I think women face a different level of expectations that can create some guilt and can certainly talk about how expectations shape our guilt as men, as women, as any of us.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

And before we get into more of the tactics of addressing guilt, how would you feel about your own level of guilt these days? Do you still feel guilty about things, and if so, what?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

I still have guilty thoughts about everything. It hasn't gone away. I think that what I've been able to do is. Is apply the techniques that I wrote about. Sometimes your writing brain knows things that your thinking brain doesn't. Being able to write down, it created something called the guilt equation. I just really like math, and I like the concrete aspect of it because the brain is so complex. The equation essentially is guilt is based on our expectations. The difference between those we can talk about all the places those come from. The difference between our expectations and our Perceived reality. Do we believe we're meeting these expectations? And if not, how do we feel like we're missing them? How do we feel like we're falling behind? And for me, those guilty thoughts come up a lot. My son called me, oh, Mom, I'm going to walk home because dad is not going to get off on work in time to come pick me up. And it's pretty cold out, but I guess I'll do it because I know you're at this podcast. I may have felt a little guilt when that came up, but the equation allows me to plug that in and say, what are the expectations here? That I will be available to him 24 hours a day until when? Right. At some point, I do hope that he goes out and lives an independent life. So if I'm there for him 100% of the time, even when he could do it very well on his own, he was doing great. He was telling me about his day while he was trekking through the snow. I think recognizing my expectations were unfair and also paying attention to my perceived reality. What am I noticing about the world around me? What am I noticing about my own contributions? Because we tend particularly women, again, not always, not only, but there's this I write about kind of tearing the scale. If you've done any baking, there's a scale that you put a bowl on and you press the tear button and immediately the bowl weight goes to zero. So you can actually weigh your dry ingredients. And I think we do that particularly as women. We dismiss all of the things that we're already doing, all the ways that we're already showing up for our family. So the fact that my son was walking home from school on a cold night, I had made sure he had a warm coat and that he took a hat and gloves this morning, and that we lived in a safe neighborhood and that there were probably neighbors around that might check in on him as he's coming home. I've done a lot of different things to make sure when he's gaining some independence and I'm not available, he's still going to be safe and relatively happy. Though, again, that's not in my control either, is it?

[Event Host / Interviewer]

So give us some of the secrets to how to do more effective self talk. When it comes to guilt, when you feel it coming up, I'm here at the podcast. I'm not there one way is what you were just suggesting. What are other ways?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

I think just even noticing it, even catching yourself with some of this language, because the way you speak to yourself is so Important. And you may not even notice it. It may just be automatic. There I go again. I can't believe I didn't get to the gym today. I can't believe I didn't cook dinner tonight. I'm not being as productive as I should be. If we're saying always, never, we're speaking with these kind of sort of extreme language. Catch yourself and really think, okay, what are the expectations driving this moment right now? What are the expectations creating guilt for me and where did they come from? This is important. It's not because we ourselves are setting these absolutely sky high unreasonable expectations in a vacuum. We're existing in the culture of our time and place. And in this culture, women in particular face four key expectations. One is that constant caretaking, that in all of our different roles as a child of aging parents, women are often tasked in being the caretaker there. As the parent of children. Certainly that's the case even as a friend or as a colleague at work. If any of you have been asked, could you just plan the office party or would you mind checking in on that colleague, but they're not doing as well or you know, it's wonderful that we can be caretakers, but I think when the expectation is there that that's how we are good enough women, that can really cause a lot of guilt. So it's constant caretaking. It's hyper accountability. This one I'm very guilty of. I really work. I've been working on it. I think I can control someone else's emotions. I worked so hard to make sure that party perfect.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Yes. Can't we all?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

I cleaned the house so that my mother wouldn't be disappointed. Right? Or I planned this party so that my son would be so happy. Of course we want to have our loved ones experience these positive emotions, but we can't truly control that. And putting ourselves in a place where we believe we should is a recipe for guilt. So that's the second one. Third one, Just seeking perfection and self control. How much I eat? Do I drink? How are my moods? How is my relationship with others? How's my productivity? Seeking perfection across all these different areas of our lives. And the last one is just the sort of idea that we can have it all and balance it all and that we should balance it all effortlessly. Yeah, of course I work and I have kids or I have kids and I volunteer. I do all these different things and I'm able to do all of that effortlessly. And that's what it means that I'm a good enough woman. And those Four areas of expectations. If you can catch yourself experiencing them, it's really a good indication that this is creating guilt. It doesn't have to stay that way. We don't have to hang on to these unfair expectations for ourselves. And adjusting that variable in the guilt equation, so to speak, can help, really help lower our guilt.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

But what do we do about things that, like, for example, I was just talking to someone, I said, I don't feel like you have a lot of the mom guilt. And she said, no, I don't have a lot of the mom guilt, but I feel guilty that I don't.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Read more.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

What do we do with that? Like, there are things you want to do more. You feel like you should do more. I know you talked about shoulds. What do we do with those feelings?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

I think you'll find that guilt can be really sticky because we do use it for motivation sometimes. And it can work in the short term, right? I can't believe I'm not reading enough. I'm just not a very studious person, let's say. Or I'd really like to read more, but I just. I never seem to get around to it. Creating that guilt might spur us to go and do the thing that we're thinking of, but it's actually a pretty expensive way to motivate ourselves. It's costly because it means we're starting from behind. I'm telling myself I've already failed and now I need to make a change because I blew it. Instead of the slogan of Nike is just do it. And instead it's like, I can't believe I didn't do this already. That's not a very good slogan. It's not very motivating. But we do use that. It turns out when we look into the data and thank goodness that self compassion actually is a far better motivator than guilt and self criticism. If you've learned anything about self compassion, this is not just saying I'm only going to pay attention to the things that are good. It's really getting a curious and clear view of what are we actually doing in this situation. How can I be kind to myself, see myself as part of sort of a broader community? Other women who are experiencing these emotions and be present in that moment. So practicing mindfulness, those are sort of the three tenets of self compassion. So yes, we could use guilt to manipulate ourselves, we could use it to manipulate others. But we all know how awful that feels, right? When someone in our life uses guilt to manipulate us, we might do what they want but it's going to create some negative feelings and eventually sort of pull you apart. So I want to really be careful about using guilt as a motivator in that, like that situation of reading and could it be, you know, I haven't been reading as much as I would like to. I'm going to try and make a change to that. I would like to make a change to that is a lot different than saying, I can't believe I'm not doing that. And like, why do I keep making these New Year's resolutions and then not sticking to them? I never keep them. This language, it really is powerful and we have to be careful about how we're speaking to ourselves.

[Zibby Owens]

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[Event Host / Interviewer]

And what do we do if someone else is making us feel guilty about something? I'm just going to have you be a therapist.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Absolutely. It's such a big question and one I'm asked often and really thinking about first noticing. Noticing okay, this person in my life, maybe you hang up the phone with them and you always feel kind of awful. You feel sort of guilty. You feel like I'm not doing enough for them, I've messed something up, I'm not present enough. When you're feeling that kind of manipulation, this is where the importance of boundaries actually come in. And you may have heard about boundaries, read about boundaries before, but I really want to be clear that boundaries are not putting up a wall between you and someone else. Boundaries are creating this safe structure that allow you to have free communication. It's creating a safe space for the two of you to be able to communicate. And if someone's really pushing against your boundaries, it's going to feel really bad. It may create some guilt. But again, being consistent about those boundaries, being really clear about why you're setting them, and really important to Keep in mind, you're setting them in part if you want to maintain this relationship. You're setting them to strengthen the relationship, because boundaries actually do that. They're not a wall between you and someone else. They're actually a structure, and that allows you to communicate. So if you're feeling that manipulative guilt trying to set those boundaries, recognizing that the person you're setting them with may have some real pushback. Family systems we learn early on in our residency training, families push back. So these systems and a family system might be an office environment. It may be a group of friends are going to push back when you try and set new boundaries and really consistently reinforce those boundaries. But they're still really important to do and to edit as need be as you grow and change.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

So let's say a patient comes in, like one of the many who you give anecdotes about in the book. For example, someone who said, the only time I'm not feeling guilty is when I'm asleep. Like when someone comes into your practice and sits on the couch or the chair, whatever, and starts saying that. Where do you go from there? Do you explore the causes of the guilt or do you do, like, some CBT therapy? How do you address that?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Yeah, well, I think recognizing that we each have fairly unique guilt triggers, I try to express what are the common expectations that come into play or the ways we're minimizing. But when it comes to your unique experience, I was trying to be really careful to give you tools to examine your own guilt. Because if I tell you my dress size and you go shopping, that's not going to help you very much decide what you want to buy. You really need to know your own measurements. In that case, you need to know your own guilt triggers. So it's just. It's an examination. It's. Okay, let's think of a particular example. Because sometimes, you know, I always. I feel guilty. All the time when I'm awake, I feel guilty. Okay, we'll start there, but let's come up with a particular example, and then we can start exploring what those expectations are. I felt so guilty after I spent some time with my mother. Okay, what do you think was brought up? Well, she asked me when I was going to finally have some kids. She asks me that every time. And then I think to myself, okay, a good daughter wouldn't disappoint her mother because she decided she didn't want to have kids. A good daughter would make sure that she ended every call with her mother feeling good and feeling Happy with the discussion and the choices that she was making as a daughter. Right. And that can just create this really difficult situation. So we start by learning what are their specific triggers. And I think that's what I'm hoping this book can do, is just prompt people to start considering their own, because I can't tell you what yours are, but it's so important for you to understand what they may be.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

And just one more question on the specifics of this brand of mom guilt, or maybe dad guilt, or wanting to be with them, spend time with them, like show love in terms of minutes or available minutes spent, or some sort of equation. Like we're all doing some sort of calculus.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Yeah.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Maybe we're not. Maybe it's just me. I feel like I'm often doing some sort of calculus, like feeling guilty if I use my time to do something else. Even if it's work. I feel like that can. So does anybody not feel guilty about this stuff? How do we. How do we come to terms with this?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

I think in. In modern times, we are really faced with this magnified view of all the uncertainty, all of the challenges that are going on in the world. We have a front row seat to all of these difficult things that are happening. And I think as parents and in many other roles, but as parents, there's this desire to have some kind of control over those uncertainties. And I think this is partly what is triggering this kind of increased intensity of parenting, because there's this sense that if I get it right, they will be happy and productive and safe and I won't have to regret anything. Right. And I think there's this pressure that we then are putting on ourselves because we're trying to wrest control from periods that feel really chaotic or feel really scary. It's hard as a parent to let your child go out into the world just walking around with a piece of you. And so I think part of the guilt, it seems counterintuitive, but it's a way for us to feel like we have some control. Because if it's something I've done wrong, then I just have to change, make it better, do it right, and my child will be happy, safe, successful, et cetera. And so I think that is. It's a broader thought process to go through, but so important to do that. This is me trying to manage my uncertainty. I can't control how they turn out, how happy they are, how safe they are. Truly. What are the things that I really value, the connections that I really want to make with them. And how do I actually participate the best way I can in that relationship, knowing I can't be there always. I can't prevent disappointment or sadness or being bullied at school as much as I want to. But they're going to run into challenges. I'm there to hear them and validate those experiences, do what I can, but I can't truly prevent them.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

So you could probably write many books with what you hear in your practice. Can you share any other secrets that you hear? What other issues are coming up a lot with your clientele?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Well, one thing I really that I find helpful in managing my own confidence and feelings of guilt is sitting across the room from so many accomplished, just wonderful, beautiful women who are so hard on themselves. And I see them in such a different light. And it reminds me, okay, the way that we view ourselves is so harsh. It's so, for the most part, so much harder than we would view, say, a friend. And so one of the self compassion exercises that I love and I try to teach everyone in sessions is how would you speak to a friend in this situation? It sounds very simple, but it really is powerful because it gives us just a little objectivity. For example, if I'm saying to myself, oh my God, these pants, they do not fit me anymore. They used to fit me 10 years ago when I worked in that job. This is a real experience for me. By the way, why don't they fit anymore? Right? What would I say to a friend who said that? I would say, well, of course, girl, you've changed, you've grown, you're maturing, you've been doing barre class. So you know, that's increased sizes of certain things. Like that's a positive, you're strong. That's what I would say to a friend. What do I say to me, oh my gosh, what are you doing? Right? So I think trying that as a self compassion exercise can be really powerful. And I do it in my own head quite often because that script of self criticism is something that we just live in and we use with each other too. It's a currency in our relationships of we better criticize ourselves as a way to demonstrate that we're not feeling too confident. And I just love being around women who are just like, this is it, I've got it all top to bottom. I mean, we don't know many of them, but what a refreshing feeling when you really see that confidence in someone else. It's beautiful. So that's a secret.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Do you find differences? Earlier we were talking about where you were from and all of that. Does anyone want to take a guess at what state Dr. Reed is from? Just like throw out a state. It's a surprising state. That's why I'm playing this game.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

You don't have to take a guess. Alaska? Nope.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Not Alaska.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Missouri? Missouri.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Not Missouri.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

No.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Okay, we'll stop playing.

[Zibby Owens]

You can tell them now.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

North Dakota.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Has anyone ever met anyone from North Dakota before?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

You have.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

You have. I have not. Anyway, now we all have. Isn't this exciting?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Here we are.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Are your family and friends from North Dakota plagued by all the same issues or is it the parts of society we live in? Is it certain pieces of the culture? Is it pervasive?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

It really is pervasive. And I think that's another reason for writing the book is I've lived and worked in North Dakota, in Wisconsin, in Los Angeles, in New York, in Philadelphia. It's everywhere. It may shift a little bit in what those specific expectations are of what a woman should be doing, but it exists everywhere and it exists across time. In fact, I was interviewing a woman who was in her 80s, was still writing books. She's just a phenomenon. And I was telling her about writing the book and I said, but you probably have it figured out. And she was like, it just, it never goes away. I still have guilt all the time. And it was just that really struck me that both sort of geographically, but also generationally. And my mother, she's read my book and said, it's really given me some new insights. She was a stay at home mom and she's like, I realized how guilty I felt that I wasn't out working because my mother was a nurse. And I thought, well, maybe that's what I should be doing because that was my upbringing. That was my understanding of a good woman. So it is everywhere, but it's based on our individual experiences mixed with the culture of the time and place. But there's no one free from it. Unfortunately, not yet. Maybe soon, thanks to Guilt Free the.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Book, you will soon be freed from these expectations.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Wouldn't that be lovely?

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Do you envision a world in which everyone has read your book and. And we all feel calm and happy and go off and do whatever? Do you think that's a possibility?

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

I don't know that I've imagined that. That does sound utopian. But I have imagined people really sitting down, women sitting down, women saying, me too. Absolutely. I felt that. You felt that. I felt that. Right. Because sometimes when you're talking about guilt, it's just like I've messed something up. You don't maybe want to share that. You don't want to say to other people that critical voice that's in your head. But I think if other women are saying, me too, this sense that we can actually really build together and create sort of this sort of intergenerational transmission of agency, of confidence, of this kind of change that could kind of cross boundaries. I mean, when I'm really in my dream, dream zone there, that's what I come up with is women being able to kind of remove this overlay of guilt so that they can go out and do the things that we need to change the world. Because, you know, we need to do that these days more than ever.

[Event Host / Interviewer]

Dr. Reed, thank you so much for coming on Totally Booked.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Thank you for having me. This was so fun.

[Zibby Owens]

Thank you for listening to Totally Booked with Zibby, formerly Moms don't have Time to Read Books. If you loved the show, tell a friend, leave a review. Follow me on Instagram, ibbeowens and Spread the Word. Thanks so much. Oh, and buy the books.

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[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message.

[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

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[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

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[Dr. Jennifer Reed]

Because a great trip starts with the right support. And hey, a good playlist doesn't hurt either.