Totally Booked with Zibby

Guest: Molly Jong-Fast
Episode: “How to Lose Your Mother: A Daughter’s Memoir”
Date: October 13, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of Totally Booked features an in-depth conversation between Zibby Owens and Molly Jong-Fast about Molly’s memoir How to Lose Your Mother. Recorded live at the Templar Manual Stryker Cultural Center and guided by Marjorie Schuster, the discussion delves into the complexities of mother-daughter relationships, the challenges of caregiving, aging, fame, personal identity, Jewish heritage, and navigating life’s unexpected crises. With wit and raw honesty, Molly shares her journey of caring for her famously elusive mother (novelist Erica Jong), raising her children, and coping with her husband’s cancer—all while reflecting on her career and emotional growth.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

Setting and Personal Significance

• Molly’s connection to the venue:
  • Molly shares that the synagogue where the event was held has deep personal significance; her kids had their bar and bat mitzvahs there.
  • “It feels very meaningful. And two of my students...have been bar and Bat Mitzvah here.” (04:23)

Growing Up the Daughter of Erica Jong

• Intergenerational literary fame:

  • Comparison made between the success of “Fear of Flying” (Erica’s book) and contemporary bestsellers, highlighting the different cultural eras of publishing.
  • “Fear of Flying...sold 27 million copies...Michelle Obama's book...sold like 4 or 5 million.” (07:22, Molly)

• Erica Jong’s celebrity and its impact:

  • Discussion about the challenges of having a mother whose career and need for acknowledgment were all-consuming.
  • “She became sort of...overly invested in her career and maybe didn't get the same kind of self esteem from other stuff.” (08:43, Molly)

Complexities of Caregiving and Guilt

• Caretaking as a daughter:

  • Molly explores her struggle to care for her mother suffering from dementia while reckoning with her own limitations and the realities of being "just the best daughter you can be."
  • “Part of the book is about me just trying to figure out when it was okay to say, like, we gotta do something now.” (08:43, Molly)

• Letting go of unrealistic expectations:

  • “I had always hoped that I would move my mother into my apartment and I would be this dutiful daughter. And that just couldn't happen...” (09:20, Molly)

• Giving readers permission:

  • Molly encourages readers facing similar situations that “it's okay if it doesn't look the way you hoped. You just need to do the best you can.” (09:55, Molly)

• Anecdote showcasing perspective:

  • Tells a story of seeing a woman in a wheelchair, happily smoking, as a reminder that perceptions about elder care may be incomplete or inaccurate.
  • “My perception is maybe not always accurate. Like, this woman. I should be having as good a time as this woman.” (12:45, Molly)

Navigating Generational and Cultural Shifts

• Mother/daughter dynamic & Jewish identity:

  • Reflections on how her mother treated her with the unconditional devotion often stereotypically directed at sons by Jewish mothers.
  • “My mom was born in 1942...the sea change that women born in 1942 to women born in 1978...it’s so profound.” (13:07, Molly)

• Aging and shifting perspectives:

  • Molly humorously discusses encountering her own aging—baggy eyes, considering a neck lift, questioning why people can't just skip aging for a year or two.
  • “I always felt like I was never someone who was so interested in how I looked at. But...the whole trajectory of aging really bothers me.” (26:20, Molly)
  • “You should get one or two free years where you don't get older. That's my hottest take.” (27:06, Molly)

Coping with Multiple Crises

• Simultaneous caregiving and medical crisis:

  • While managing her mother’s decline, Molly’s husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
  • “We have spent a lot of time in the emergency room. Like, a lot. ... They find a mass on his pancreas...This is not good.” (16:29, Molly)
  • She sought advice, navigated treatment, and adapted her life to frequent hospital visits, relying on pragmatic coping mechanisms like “going to sleep at 7:00 p.m.” (19:54, Molly).

• Advice for caregivers:

  • Emphasizes “putting the oxygen mask on yourself” and accepting there’s no right answer.
  • “These are like, the unanswerable questions...I made the decision that I had to put the oxygen mask on myself.” (14:58, Molly)

The Humor in Hardship: Aging, Food, and Joy

• Finding lightness amidst heaviness:
  • The episode often circles back to moments of humor—in coping with aging, eating cake, or discussing the absurdities of life and family.
  • “I ate confetti cake last night...My other friend was like, you know, it's not that good. And I was like, shut up.” (28:53, Molly)
  • Favorite cakes in NYC: “Monkey Bar has a really good...coconut cake...Polo Bar...Greenberg’s.” (30:15, Molly)

On Work, Podcasts, and Midlife

• Navigating career and non-attachment:

  • Molly attributes her ability to move forward professionally to “chop wood and carry water,” focusing on the work, not the outcome.
  • “I try to chop wood and carry water and not get focused on outcomes.” (31:05, Molly)

• AI and the future of writing:

  • Jokingly recounts concerns about AI replacing writers, including a conversation with Mark Cuban, but ultimately finds relief in the (currently) poor quality of AI-generated material.
  • “I was like, I don’t want an AI version of me. I want a me version of me.” (31:56, Molly)

• What’s next?:

  • Grateful for “the dream publishing experience” but undecided about her next project.
  • “In some ways it’s been sort of wonderful in itself. And so I don’t know is the answer.” (33:24, Molly)

Exploring Jewish Identity and Family

• Changing relationship to Judaism:

  • Raised in a secular Jewish family with anti-religious leanings, Molly now feels “very connected to Judaism”—largely through her synagogue community and her children’s experiences.
  • “I really love my synagogue and I feel very connected to Judaism.” (34:38, Molly)

• Amusing family discovery:

  • Molly and her husband discovered via 23andMe they are distant cousins and both carry Jewish genetic diseases, leading to humorous but thoughtful reflections on genealogy.
  • “Turns out we’re distant cousins...So I would like my kids to maybe get out of the gene pool a little bit...” (37:11, Molly)

Writing Advice and Reflections

• Advice to aspiring writers:

  • For those struggling creatively or professionally, Molly suggests openness to “the doors that are meant to open, open,” aligning with a big-picture, non-forceful approach.
  • “Push on the doors, and the doors that were meant to open, opened, and the doors that were not meant to open...I just went to another door.” (38:22, Molly)

• Adulthood and Accepting Change:

  • Concludes with the idea that adulthood comes with “lots of doors to open and always more experiences to be had.”
  • “I guess this introduction to adulthood...comes with lots of doors to open and always more experiences to be had.” (39:49, Marjorie)

Notable Quotes

• “The whole point of this book is that you just need to do the best you can. And. And it’s okay. That it may not look like what...you thought.” — Molly Jong-Fast (09:55)
• “I wanted it to go with my mom...which was not realistic. And so I had to make peace with that...I was unable to do that.” — Molly Jong-Fast (09:20)
• “My perception is maybe not always accurate...I should be having as good a time as this woman.” — Molly Jong-Fast (12:45)
• “These are like, the unanswerable questions...I made the decision that I had to put the oxygen mask on myself.” — Molly Jong-Fast (14:58)
• “You get little peeks into it. It happens slowly, then quickly. Your body unravels like a loose knit, slow sweater.” — Read by Marjorie from Molly’s memoir (25:48)
• “I do love cake...Monkey Bar has a really good, like, coconut cake...Greenberg's has a good cake.” — Molly Jong-Fast (30:15)
• “I try to chop wood and carry water and not get focused on outcomes.” — Molly Jong-Fast (31:05)
• “I don’t want an AI version of me. I want a me version of me.” — Molly Jong-Fast (31:56)
• “Push on the doors, and the doors that were meant to open, opened...that’s like good advice, just more generally for other stuff too.” — Molly Jong-Fast (38:22)
• “We all make the best guesses, we make plans and God laughs.” — Marjorie Schuster (34:21)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Significance of the synagogue to Molly – 04:23
• Impact of Erica Jong’s fame – 07:22
• Molly’s caregiving struggles and advice – 08:43, 14:58
• Discussion of aging and midlife crisis – 25:48, 27:06
• Cake and food as comfort and joy – 28:53, 30:11
• Balancing work, career, and the threat of AI – 31:05, 31:56
• Jewish identity and family history – 34:38, 37:11
• Advice to writers and career philosophy – 38:22

Tone and Style

The conversation is warm, candid, self-deprecating, and often funny, with moments of deep vulnerability. Molly’s witty storytelling is balanced by an openness about pain, guilt, and the uncertainty of adulthood. The speakers flow easily between humor and gravity, making the conversation both engaging and insightful.

Summary Takeaways

Listeners are treated to a heartfelt exploration of how to care for aging, difficult parents, how to be compassionate to oneself as a caregiver, and how to find moments of joy—even in cake—amidst the stress. Molly Jong-Fast’s story is relatable for anyone struggling with family, responsibility, or life’s unpredictable detours, and her humor and honesty make her memoir an encouraging companion on that journey.