Brooke Schofield Feels Safe on Trash Tuesday

Summary

Podcast Summary: Trash Tuesday Episode Featuring Brooke Schofield

Title: Brooke Schofield Feels Safe on Trash Tuesday
Release Date: December 31, 2024
Hosts: Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn
Guest: Brooke Schofield

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1. Introduction of Brooke Schofield

In this episode of "Trash Tuesday," hosts Esther Povitsky and Khalyla Kuhn welcome their guest, Brooke Schofield. Brooke opens up about her personal experiences, ranging from physical self-image challenges to deep-seated mental health struggles. The conversation delves into her journey of self-acceptance, coping mechanisms, and future aspirations.

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2. Physical Self and Body Image

Breast Size and Body Changes: Brooke discusses her recent experience with significant changes in her body, particularly her breast size. She shares her feelings about her new physique and the adjustments she's making to embrace her body better.

Brooke [00:47]: "They're new. And I meant for them to be, well, I guess I did mean for them to be huge, but maybe not this huge."

She also touches upon her experiences with Botox and its unintended consequences, leading to dissatisfaction with her appearance.

Brooke [05:09]: "They did it too much. And I smell like this for, like, six months. Not really. Like, probably three months."

Bell’s Palsy: Brooke reveals her struggle with Bell’s palsy, discussing the impact it has had on her facial expressions and self-esteem.

Brooke [03:35]: "I have HSV1, so maybe that's why I have it."

This section highlights Brooke's vulnerability and her journey towards embracing her unique physical traits despite societal pressures.

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3. Mental Health Journey

Anxiety and Medication: Brooke candidly discusses her battle with anxiety and the medications she employs to manage it. She explains her reliance on gabapentin as a substitute for Xanax, highlighting the challenges of dependency and the importance of finding effective treatments.

Brooke [14:11]: "I just get anxious, I think. Like, I used to go on podcast all the time, and then, like, we toured and stuff, so I didn't for a long time, and now for some reason, it's like, I get so anxious."

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): Brooke opens up about her diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, exploring how it affects her relationships and daily life.

Brooke [37:02]: "Borderline. I had to be, like, so badly triggered because, like, I had. There had been talks of it obviously, because I've always had, like, psychological problems…"

She discusses the manifestation of BPD in her interactions, particularly her fear of abandonment and emotional instability.

Brooke [39:32]: "I get so far out of my mind and, like, so out of control. And, like, you, like, the way I act is like, I cannot. I literally, like, see red."

Medication and Therapy: Brooke emphasizes the role of medication, specifically Lamictal, in stabilizing her mood and improving her interactions with her co-host.

Brooke [44:47]: "I'm on Lamictal. It has changed my life. I just started, like, a few months ago."

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4. Personal Relationships and Trauma

Dating a Scam Artist: Brooke recounts her painful experience of dating a man who faked his family's death and lied about his background, leading to significant emotional trauma.

Brooke [18:24]: "I dated, like, the Tinder swindler. He wasn't even, like, I don't know what was wrong with me. I'd listen back, like, to videos and stuff, and I'm like, wait, it was right in front of you."

Family Dynamics: Brooke delves into her complicated relationship with her parents, highlighting her experiences of instability and the resultant "mommy wounds."

Brooke [37:38]: "I grew up with my grandparents and my grandparents were like, they raised boys and like, by the time they got me, they were literally like, do whatever you want."

Friendships and Boundaries: She discusses the challenges of maintaining healthy friendships, especially when intertwined with professional collaborations.

Brooke [41:09]: "It's. It is very hard. ... Being emotional and reactive has led to a lot of conflicts."

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5. Future Parenting and Child-rearing Thoughts

Desire for Children: Brooke expresses a strong desire to have children, contemplating the joys and fears associated with motherhood.

Brooke [25:28]: "Oh, I want kids so bad."

Concerns About Parenting: She shares her anxieties about raising children, particularly regarding the influence of genetics and external factors like sports.

Brooke [30:20]: "Imagine you raise your child all the way into adulthood... And they decide they want to be a UFC fighter and get CTE."

Perceptions of Parenthood: Brooke envisions parenting as a way to share her passions and experiences with her children, emphasizing the emotional bond it would foster.

Brooke [26:05]: "Like, oh, now I get to show you. Oh, my God. Show you all these things."

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6. Animal Companionship

Cats and Bengal Cat: Brooke discusses her relationship with her cats, particularly focusing on the introduction of a Bengal cat into her life and the challenges that come with it.

Brooke [23:43]: "So I got him. And I didn't really put a lot of thought into it. And I honestly got a lot of hate for this because it's like, bangles."

She shares her initial struggles with the high-energy behavior of Bengal cats compared to her more laid-back first cat, highlighting her adaptability and love for animals despite the challenges.

Brooke [24:03]: "I almost have to... he's so mean and violent."

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7. Balancing Friendships and Professional Relationships

Working with Friends: Brooke elaborates on the difficulties of collaborating with friends on her podcast, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries to maintain both personal and professional relationships.

Brooke [43:45]: "Because we're working with each other, which kind of makes it harder."

She reflects on the trial-and-error process of establishing a harmonious working dynamic, ultimately finding a rhythm that allows their friendship to thrive alongside their professional endeavors.

Brooke [43:45]: "We had to have a lot of, like, crazy arguments to finally, like, get into like, a rhythm."

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8. Interpretations of Societal Issues

Flight Incident and Vaping: Brooke narrates an incident on a flight where someone was caught vaping in the bathroom, leading to federal intervention. This anecdote serves as a segue into broader discussions about societal behaviors and responsibilities.

Esther [11:11]: "I thought the plane was going down. Even the flight attendants were like, what is going on?"

UFC and Violence in Sports: The conversation shifts to the brutality of UFC and boxing, with Brooke expressing her horror at the physical toll these sports take on fighters.

Brooke [31:44]: "It's so inhumane. I cannot believe that it's a legal sport that people pay..."

She contemplates the implications of children aspiring to such careers and the ethical considerations involved.

Brooke [32:08]: "It just, like, it's really scary."

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9. Coping Mechanisms and Healing

Humor and Trauma: Brooke, along with her hosts, discusses the use of humor as a coping mechanism to process and share traumatic experiences. They explore the balance between lightheartedness and genuine emotional healing.

Esther [63:14]: "Saying it out loud to people in a jovial way, in like a comedic way is a way for us not to feel it."

Support Systems: Acknowledging the importance of having supportive family and friends, Brooke emphasizes how these relationships aid her in navigating mental health challenges.

Brooke [45:25]: "It helped that I had my mom and I had my sister and, like, people who, like, I. I had seen it in them, so I knew..."

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10. Closing Reflections

As the episode concludes, the hosts and Brooke reflect on the depth and intensity of their conversations, reinforcing the show's theme of unloading personal traumas and fostering a sense of community among listeners.

Esther [64:56]: "I love you guys."

Brooke [65:10]: "Thank you for having me."

The episode wraps up with expressions of mutual support and understanding, highlighting the therapeutic nature of their candid discussions.

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Notable Quotes

• Brooke on Body Image:
  "I'm built like an airpod. No, like, not kidding at all." [00:38]

• Brooke on Medication:
  "I just got the exact progression of events." [63:21]

• Esther on Coping with Trauma:
  "That's literally me. So I say the most atrocious things, like, about my family doctor..." [62:16]

• Brooke on Friendship Dynamics:
  "It's like working with your partner or, like." [41:41]

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Conclusion

This episode of "Trash Tuesday" offers an unfiltered glimpse into Brooke Schofield's multifaceted life, exploring themes of self-identity, mental health, and resilience. Through honest and often harrowing discussions, Brooke and the hosts create a safe space for sharing and healing, resonating deeply with their audience of "SLUGS" (Sexy Little Ugly Girls).

For more engaging and raw conversations, tune into future episodes of "Trash Tuesday" and join the community in embracing the messy, beautiful aspects of life.

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Follow Trash Tuesday:

• Instagram: @itstrashtuesday
• TikTok: @itstrashtuesday
• YouTube: HitOurButtons

Host Profiles:

• Khalyla Kuhn: @khalamityk
• Esther Povitsky: @esthermonster

Transcript

[Esther]

It's going to sound a little bit sick.

[Brooke]

I know.

[Kalila]

I feel like.

[Brooke]

But what. Sorry, I was going to say, like, we keep saying, like, these things like, that are so dark, but it's like, that's our show. I love the show. Okay.

[Kalila]

Is your show not like that? No.

[Brooke]

If I said, like, oh, yeah, I was going to kill myself on my show, like, I feel like it'd be like, everyone would be like, maybe don't say that.

[Esther]

Oh, no, no, no. That's all we talk about is, oh.

[Brooke]

I love it here.

[Kalila]

That was surprising to me because you seem so open with all your flaws.

[Brooke]

I am open about it. I just feel like I. Sometimes I feel. I mean, I'm sure you guys relate to this too, but it's just, like, awkward, like, because. Because it makes other people feel uncomfor. Like, if, like, if I talk about, like, certain family things and stuff, like, I say it out loud and everyone's like, so I don't say a lot of things, like, just for fear of.

[Esther]

Like, making people feel you're in the right place.

[Kalila]

Wait, I used to know everything about your huge boobs.

[Brooke]

Oh, my God, I'm so excited. Honestly, we talk about them for days.

[Kalila]

They're literally. They're new.

[Brooke]

They're new. And I meant for them to be. Well, I. I guess I did mean for them to be huge, but maybe not this huge. I'm trying to grow into them a little. Like, maybe like, get some backside. Cuz I'm built like an airpod. No, like, not kidding at all.

[Kalila]

Let me see your butt. Honestly, I want to. I want to know if you're lying.

[Brooke]

I can't even. I'm so ashamed of it.

[Kalila]

That's crazy.

[Esther]

Stop. No, I don't.

[Kalila]

I like, literally can't.

[Esther]

I saw you walk in. I did not notice an airpod that.

[Brooke]

You didn't notice anything at all. And that's the problem.

[Kalila]

You were covering it with a jacket. Because I have delusional. I think I have a good butt.

[Esther]

But you do have a good butt.

[Kalila]

But let me see your butt. I didn't have to bend over.

[Brooke]

I'm not even. Okay, it's really alarming.

[Kalila]

Oh, my God. Do it. Oh, my God. You have a great butt.

[Brooke]

Oh, please. You guys can see.

[Kalila]

No, because.

[Esther]

No, here's. Here's the thing, Brooke. It's like every. We're all. We're all crazy about our body proportions because it's. That's a normal butt.

[Kalila]

No, that's a great butt.

[Brooke]

Well, I was real. I used to have, like, A. A rounder butt. But then I lost weight, and then now I'm. I'm watching the challenge right now, and everybody on there is obviously like, so built. And so tomorrow I'm. I start training tomorrow.

[Kalila]

I love when I meet someone, they're like, tomorrow, everything's changing.

[Brooke]

No, I really, like, I actually am like, tr. Training tomorrow, like, for gains.

[Esther]

For gains?

[Brooke]

Yeah, for gains. And honestly, I want to go on the challenge so bad that I'm like, I think that's what I'm training for.

[Esther]

Do you have an athletic background?

[Brooke]

I was a dancer. So, like, that is kind of.

[Kalila]

What kind of dance?

[Brooke]

Like, all. All kinds of dance.

[Kalila]

Same.

[Brooke]

Really?

[Kalila]

Yeah. Ballet, tap, jazz, lyrical, modern.

[Esther]

Oh, my God.

[Kalila]

Love.

[Brooke]

I was never a tapper. I wanted to be a tapper so.

[Kalila]

Bad, but I was tapping was my gateway in. And I understand that that makes me lame, but.

[Brooke]

No, it doesn't. It doesn't.

[Kalila]

Thank you.

[Brooke]

I feel like ballet is. Is the, like, normal. Like, everyone starts with ballet, like, when you're little.

[Kalila]

Yeah. Did you. So you. Did you dance, like, all throughout high school? Do you still go to ballet classes?

[Brooke]

No, I still sometimes take, like, hip hop, which is so funny because I never took hip hop, like, growing up. And I don't know who I think I am now, but I'm really bad. I, like, pop in every once in a while. And it's, like, embarrassing because it's like I'm like 30. It's like I shouldn't be.

[Kalila]

I'm 36. I go to ballet.

[Brooke]

Wait, you do go to. Well, first of all, ballet is different. I'm in a, like, I'll go to, like, a beginner class because I'm like, just afraid. And there's like 11 year olds in there. And I'm 30, so that's why it's embarrassing. It's not embarrassing to go to a dance as a 30 year old. I'm also 28. I don't know why I'm.

[Kalila]

Wait, what?

[Esther]

But you know what? That's the hack. Okay. No, I've been saying this for a long time. Before I turned 40, when I was all of 39, I stopped telling people I was 39 and 38. I just said 40. I'm 40 and 40 and 40. So by the time I did turn 40, I was like, oh, this isn't anything. This isn't a big deal. Who cares?

[Brooke]

Yeah, no problem. I'm running up and I don't know why.

[Kalila]

You're cheating yourselves.

[Esther]

Why?

[Brooke]

Yeah, I guess I'm 25, so.

[Esther]

Yeah, I think that's a better.

[Kalila]

What's the truth?

[Brooke]

I'm 28. I just turned 28 a couple of days ago.

[Esther]

Oh, happy birthday. Wait, can you tell me about your crooked face?

[Brooke]

Yeah. So I had Bell's palsy. And it's actually crazy because it's not. It's not contagious. Obviously, you know that, but my herpes.

[Esther]

Is, and herpes can cause a facial paralysis.

[Brooke]

Do you have herpes?

[Esther]

I don't. Oh, See, I had a cold sore.

[Brooke]

I have HSV1, so maybe that's why I have it. But my grandma had it and only like a few weeks before me. And it's not contagious, so it's just so strange for us both to get it.

[Esther]

I didn't even know you could get it twice.

[Brooke]

Yeah, I got it. Well, I also, like, the second time, I was, like, not sure if it was that or if I was just, like, delusional, but I did. I got it. And I also had whooping cough at the same time, so I think, which was just horrible.

[Kalila]

We go to, like, a vet conference.

[Brooke]

Wait, no.

[Esther]

Did you get vaccinated?

[Brooke]

No, I. Probably not. My mom's not the type, but my immune system was already, like, so shot, and I was so miserable. And then all of a sudden, my, like, my. I was sitting at dinner and my grandma's like, are you having a stroke?

[Esther]

And that's exactly how it was for me. And then. How long did it last?

[Brooke]

I can't remember. It wasn't like. It was probably just a few weeks. How long have you been struggling?

[Esther]

A couple months now.

[Kalila]

Really?

[Esther]

Yeah, a couple months. And it's so crazy, I know, but they say it could take like six months or it could not resolve, but I have to kind of live with.

[Brooke]

Well, I'm like, not noticing it right now.

[Esther]

Thank you.

[Kalila]

But she is wearing huge sunglasses.

[Esther]

Yeah, my eye. My left eye.

[Kalila]

But it is a lot.

[Brooke]

I just have that in general.

[Kalila]

Oh, wait, from the bells, maybe that's really bells coded.

[Brooke]

No, I'm doing that. Like, I mean, I just do that.

[Kalila]

But I don't think I could. I guess I could do that.

[Brooke]

I tell people, like, because I have one side of my smile that doesn't, like, go as much as the other, and I tell people, that's a Bell's pals, but, like, I've always had that, but I like, I just don't want anyone, like, you know, I'll just be like, yeah, that was Bell's palsy.

[Esther]

Do you get the Masseter Botox?

[Brooke]

I used To.

[Esther]

I. Okay, I have. I have something to say.

[Kalila]

What's going on?

[Brooke]

I used to. And I got jowls. I got known. I got. They did it too much. And I smell like this for, like, six months. Not really. Like, probably three months.

[Esther]

You gave yourself a third bill spouse.

[Brooke]

Yeah, Yeah, I just did. I. They did a bad job or something, or I got too much and nice smiles. Literally, like this. It was so traumatized. And you can't, like, Botox. You have to wait for it to wear off. So I was, like, so embarrassed.

[Esther]

I feel like this is a scam because they tell you that it kind of, like, you know, thins out your face, right?

[Brooke]

It really worked for me. But you get jowls.

[Esther]

You get jowls and.

[Kalila]

Wait.

[Brooke]

I just learned what jowls were. I just found out.

[Kalila]

I don't want to learn.

[Esther]

So this drops. So you know how, like, I have a pretty good jawline in general? It took that away. It rounded it out, and it made me heavy down here and made me so ugly. I hated it.

[Brooke]

Sometimes I love. I love a good job. I don't know what I was thinking. I just wanted to look skinnier. So I was just like, anything you can put in there, please do. But I look back and I'm like, oh, my God.

[Kalila]

So it was a aesthetic. It wasn't for, like, tmj?

[Brooke]

No. Nothing for me is medical. Not at all.

[Kalila]

Not even a large breast. Those were not for medical purposes.

[Brooke]

Not at all. They are protective, though.

[Esther]

What kinds did you get?

[Brooke]

I got the Gummy Bear. I got them under the muscle, and I got, like, pretty huge. But they're, like, completely different sizes. One of them, I think this one's like, 300, and this one's like 375.

[Esther]

I think that's normal.

[Kalila]

Wait, why?

[Brooke]

It's because they were different sizes.

[Esther]

Asymmetrical. No one has symmetrical tits like you, Esther.

[Kalila]

I don't have symmetrical tits.

[Esther]

Really?

[Kalila]

Are you kidding? I've once had a guy like, oh, those are different sizes. I'm like, I. Thanks. Why you have to notice that?

[Brooke]

Yeah, it's. I've had that before, too, where someone like. Like, literally be like, oh, that's weird. I'm like, wait, first of all, why would you. I know that. Yeah, I did get medical Botox one time, though. But it was like, I wanted the Botox, but I wanted my insurance to cover it. So I, like, went through the whole process. Like, if you get it for migraines, they do, like, the top of your head, down your shoulders, like, down your back. And I did it all just so that I couldn't move my forehead.

[Esther]

My medical insurance covers my Botox in my armpits, my hands and feet. And I got it. I got it done for six years with Kaiser because I was their guinea pig. Because I have hyperhidrosis. Like, I just sweat like a pig. And I would get like 50 shots per hand to the point where I couldn't, like, hold a pen or hold anything because they had just atrophied. Yeah, it was so silly, but I. I wanted so badly not to sweat, so I gave that up. Hi, baby.

[Brooke]

Does it make you sweat?

[Esther]

Other place is if you do that compensatory. No, that's if you do. Like, you. They cut the nerve here sometimes or they alter it for people who sweat excessively. I never want to do that because they say what you're saying is, like, you'll start to sweat in, like, your eyelids or something. Some other weird place that's not.

[Brooke]

Yeah, because it's like, you got to get it out, I guess.

[Kalila]

Yeah, right. It's got to come out somewhere. Wait, what size boobies were you before?

[Brooke]

I had. So I grew up having, like, just huge boobs. Always. Like, I had, like, double Ds my whole life. And then I lost, like, 30 pounds. And so I was, like, traumatized because that was my identity. That something. That sounds bad, but I really, like, that was always my thing. Like, I felt so, like, I was really confident about it. And I, like, I always knew if I went in the room or walked in a room, it was like, oh, she's got tits on her. And then all of a sudden, like, no, I did not get that attention anymore. And it was like I had like, an identity crisis.

[Kalila]

How smaller were you? Like, what size did you get down to pro.

[Brooke]

I don't. I don't. Like, I was never wearing bras, but, like, I lost never.

[Kalila]

Excuse me.

[Brooke]

I, like, I always wear like, like little skims. Like, I never wear, like, a real bra.

[Kalila]

You wear a bralette?

[Brooke]

Yeah, I wear. Yeah, but they were a lot smaller. Like, I probably, like, three sizes smaller. Like, to the point where nobody was noticing my boobs at all. And I was like, this is not going to work for me, honestly, as a.

[Kalila]

As a weight fluctuation, fellow companion of yours. Like, I understand that struggle. It's really hard, like, because it can. They can really be huge and then really small. And you're like, who am I?

[Brooke]

Yeah, and it sucks because once they get huge, when they do get small now they're like, behind me. They're like. If I lay down, like, they're touching both sides of the bed.

[Esther]

That's what happened to me. So I had breast implants and then explants.

[Brooke]

Really? Why did you take them out?

[Esther]

As soon as I had them put in, I. I had, like, a panic attack. I woke up with big tits, and I was like, wait, I don't feel right. And then my body was just going through some weird, like, rejection of it. I had the contracture and, like.

[Brooke]

Oh, the capsuler.

[Esther]

Capsule. Yeah. And it was, like, really, really hard, and I hate it. I didn't like the way I looked, which was a surprise to me, because I love big tits. I love looking at big tit. Like, touching big tits, just not on myself. I felt claustrophobic in it, which is really weird.

[Brooke]

I think I was just used to having them, and so I had the empty space, and I just filled it up.

[Esther]

Yeah. That makes. I feel like that's the perfect recipe, because then it looks more.

[Brooke]

Yeah. They're really, like, low. They hang low. Right now I'm like. I have them binded down, basically, because the shirt's so tight.

[Kalila]

But I love how low they are.

[Brooke]

Thank you. I wanted them to be low. They, like, suggested a lift for me, and I was like, no. I want, like. I want them to look like they're my real. Just huge boobs.

[Kalila]

Oh, I really want to see them.

[Brooke]

They're so. Oh, you can see them.

[Kalila]

Okay, good.

[Brooke]

And I have to. I'll show you the scars too, because I have no scar.

[Esther]

You get it under the nipple. Yeah, that's the best.

[Brooke]

It's crazy. I have, like, a little bit of something over here, but not. This one's my favorite anyway.

[Kalila]

Wait, that's my favorite too.

[Esther]

Wait, everyone has a shitty titty.

[Brooke]

It is. This is always my smaller one. And so now I just feel like I. I don't connect with her as much.

[Kalila]

Same.

[Esther]

My left is absolutely my shitty titty. I am.

[Brooke]

So we all of us have the same favorite. That's, like, a special thing.

[Kalila]

Yeah, it makes a lot of sense to me.

[Esther]

So I was on a plane, okay, to Hawaii, and I'm already, like, an anxious flyer. And maybe five to 10 minutes into my flight to Hawaii, a loud smoke alarm goes off.

[Brooke]

Oh, freaked out.

[Esther]

I thought the plane was going down. Even the flight attendants were like, what the is going on? I don't know if you ever heard this. That sound, but it's, like, jarring. You think something like there's, like, some mechanical failure.

[Brooke]

Yeah. And you don't want to if you're flying over the ocean. That's just not. When you.

[Esther]

Right. I'm like, oh, we're going down. And then someone comes out of the bathroom. And then I look over to my left.

[Brooke]

Oh, this is my friend, isn't it?

[Esther]

Yes.

[Kalila]

What? Who?

[Brooke]

It's my friend. I was just. I was getting ready, gearing up to tell you that this happened to my friend because she was vaping in the bathroom. And I realized you said you were going to Hawaii. And I was like, oh, that was my friend.

[Esther]

Yeah. I was so upset because, like, I'm. I'm already kind of like, you know, in a. I had rushed to the airport. I'm an anxious flyer. I'm sweating during takeoff.

[Brooke]

What are the odds of this? That's like, really?

[Esther]

They were sat right next to me, like. And I was on the window, and.

[Brooke]

That was already probably a heart experience.

[Esther]

And I was like. Because they were already drinking. They were having such a good time. And I was like, oh, wow, they're loud, too.

[Brooke]

This is a loud group.

[Esther]

And I was, like, kind of happy that they. You know, it was like a big group of friends. I was like, oh, they're so cool. Look at them. Look at them go. And then that happened. And I was like, I'm gonna take someone out.

[Brooke]

No. And the feds were at the. Like, they were waiting for her at the. At the. At landing, because she was like, that's like a federal crime.

[Esther]

I didn't even know that it was Tana because she had, like, a hood on. I just saw her come out of the bathroom. And then I saw when they. When the feds came and, like, escorted her out. And then I heard Tana say, like, I mean, I'll bail her out, but I don't know what else I can do.

[Brooke]

I know she was calling. She was calling her lawyer. She was like, saying, like, what am I gonna have to do here? Because, like, she really. Like, we thought she was gonna. Or they thought she was gonna go to jail in. The group chat at this moment was just, like, crazy because she was swearing up and down that she didn't do it. But I know this girl. You know what I mean? I'm like, you were vaping in the bathroom.

[Esther]

Like, don't lie to me 100%. I was witness to everything. And I heard Tana say, you have to tell me the truth. Were you or were you not? Like, they were having a whole discussion. And I was just over here, like, you gotta.

[Brooke]

You gotta such a fight. Like, what are the odds?

[Esther]

I know I was right next to them.

[Kalila]

Did you get involved?

[Esther]

I did not get involved. I didn't even realize it was Tana. I was just angry at Lila.

[Brooke]

Yeah. I would have been so pissed at her, too, because, like, they said it went on for, like, ever too.

[Esther]

So, like, it was so scary.

[Brooke]

Everybody's pan and imagine the embarrassment if you're the one and you're like.

[Kalila]

Oh, wow, that's so weird.

[Brooke]

Vaping is never that important in my. I mean, I'm. Do you guys vape?

[Esther]

No, I don't.

[Brooke]

Well, yeah, you're. You can't vape. You just had a pregnancy. Yeah, you can't vape. But I've never. I couldn't get into it. I honestly tried. Really, Like, I literally was, like, actively trying to get into vaping, and it just. I couldn't. I can't even inhale.

[Kalila]

What. So do you have any sort of, like, little vices?

[Brooke]

I don't really. Well, I mean, I. Sure. I'm sure I do. Like, I. I'm a drinker, but, like, I don't have anything. Like, I do on the daily.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Oh, no. Yes, I do. I'm a. I like gabapentin. Like, it's. I'm not abusing it. It's like, I don't even know what it is. I feel like you might know what this is because you're.

[Esther]

Gabapentin is for nerve. I'm a scientist.

[Kalila]

Were you a scientist?

[Brooke]

No, I was. I was listening to your Hannah Burner episode on the way here, and you were, like, talking about, like, microbiology and, like, toxoplasmosis or whatever. But I was like, honestly, I should ask her some questions because I have cats. But we have it.

[Esther]

We're. We're deranged because we have cats. That's. Yes.

[Brooke]

So I take gabapentin. Like, I was taking it for a while for just, like, anxiety. I mean, I still am taking it for anxiety, but it's just, like, I'm so dependent on it now that, like. Like, I took one on the way here because I was like, I'm scared.

[Esther]

What is it like, they say? Like, they say gabapentin is not habit forming, but I just don't believe that because they, like, they give it out in doses for anxiety to give it out for nerve pain. But it. It really does a really good job. So it's like, how can it not be, like, habit form? Absolutely, it is.

[Brooke]

And you can take, like. I never take more than, like, 100 milligrams at a time. You could take up to like 600 in a day.

[Esther]

But it's crazy that you're not sleepy or.

[Brooke]

Well, I just. I can take it. So I take it, like, probably every day now because it's like, I originally started taking it because I was taking Xanax, like, after a bad breakup, and I was so anxious and, like, wanted to die that I, like, had to take Xanax all the time. And I couldn't remember, like, my whole life. So I was like, I need something different.

[Esther]

Yeah, I mean, I guess in. In Gaba is a little bit better than, you know, but it took one.

[Brooke]

On the way here. It just, like, it's the best thing because I used to have to, like. I'm so anxious, so I used to have to, like, pregame something like this. Like, I would just be so scared. So now I would pregame like alcohol. Yes. I would do it. I would have done it.

[Kalila]

I'm really glad that you're not pre gaming. That's.

[Brooke]

You wouldn't have known. I would have. I might have had, like, a glass of wine and then I would have just been less anxious. But, like, that's what I don't want. I don't know.

[Esther]

But I think that that's the thing with anxiety. It has no, like, rhyme or reason.

[Brooke]

It just is, like, it's very physical.

[Esther]

Yeah, it sucks. It sucks. I. I get panic attacks and it's like, for what? I'm in the middle of Disneyland with my family, like, eating a churro.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Esther]

And we're happy. And it just, like, floods your body and you don't know why. You want to just, like, run to where you don't know. To run and bolt and hide and scream.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

I was. I was once having a sleepover with this really pretty girl, and the first thing she did when she woke up, she opened her eyes, rolled over and just grabbed a bottle of vodka and started drinking out of it. And I was like, okay. Well, I was having fun for real. What? It was like, a very scary thing I've never seen before.

[Brooke]

That is really scary.

[Esther]

She had to pregame to hang out with you?

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther]

Oh, Esther. Was this in college?

[Kalila]

No, it was adult life. Really? Yeah, I was 20.

[Brooke]

I wonder what she was going through.

[Kalila]

Yeah, she's better now, though. I can confirm. But yeah. I didn't realize I was prescription. Maybe you could, like, taper off with something like L. Theanine. Have you heard of that?

[Brooke]

I haven't heard of that. But I'm also not, like, Addicted to it. Like, I could go. I do go days without taking it.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Like, today I was anxious because I was coming on.

[Kalila]

Oh, my God. Wait, why, though?

[Brooke]

I took one before. Talk to us. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I. I just get anxious, I think. Like, I used to go on podcast all the time, and then, like, we toured and stuff, so I didn't for a long time, and now for some reason, it's like, I get so anxious.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

I feel like that makes sense. Meeting new people, having a conversation. It's filmed. Like, it. It's natural to be anxious for something.

[Brooke]

Yeah. I'm already, like, kind of socially awkward, so it's like, make, like, adding, like, seven cameras is, like, strange.

[Esther]

You really.

[Brooke]

I also, just, like, love you guys.

[Kalila]

Oh, my God, we love you. I'm also so triggered to hear a girl with big boobs say she's so socially awkward.

[Brooke]

That's why I have to have big boobs. It's a conversation starter. See, that's the first thing you said to me.

[Kalila]

It's true. I was just shocked, really.

[Brooke]

I feel like I really show them.

[Kalila]

I don't know why. When I looked at your. I guess I was just looking at your beautiful face all the time. I didn't notice.

[Brooke]

So I also just got them. I got them in, like, June or. Yeah, June. So they're, like, a few months old.

[Kalila]

Copy that.

[Esther]

We can cut this out if we want, but I just want to say, on behalf of the Filipino community, me being born and raised in the Philippines, we completely do not claim Clinton Cain. We reject him completely.

[Brooke]

That's so funny. Yeah. I don't know what happened there, but that was.

[Esther]

If that was a reason for your Xanax.

[Brooke]

It was like. Because I do feel like that was, like, a unique breakup, too, where it wasn't like, oh, we just broke up. I was like, oh, my God. This man, like, literally faked the death of his family. So that was like.

[Esther]

That's crazy. It's so salt.

[Kalila]

Wait, I don't even know about that.

[Esther]

I thought I had it bad when an ex of mine lied about traveling to Sri Lanka, and he never. He'd never gone to Sri Lanka.

[Brooke]

That's really strange because Clinton also said that he lived in Sri Lanka.

[Esther]

Are you kidding me?

[Brooke]

Do you think they know each other? That's funny that you don't know about this. That's, like, my, like, biggest thing, and I can't. First, I'm, like, embarrassed now to even talk about it, because people are like, brooks, shut the up about it. But I had a boyfriend. Spark notes is. I had a boyfriend. He faked the death of his family. Faked an Australian accent, told me he was from Australia. Like, lied about his age. Like, it was a whole.

[Kalila]

So you dated, like, a scam artist?

[Brooke]

Yes, I dated, like, the Tinder swindler. He wasn't even, like, I. I don't know what was wrong with me. I'd listen back, like, to videos and stuff, and I'm like, wait, it was right in front of you.

[Kalila]

Okay. How did this happen to you, though? I'm curious, because I have had a similar thing where I would just date the first person who hit on me. And, like, it was just like, my whole 20s. It was really bad. But do you feel like you're someone that's just susceptible to that? Like, because you seem like you're pretty and you should be, like, honestly more picky.

[Brooke]

That's really nice. But I.

[Kalila]

You're like, actually, I'm really ugly.

[Brooke]

I haven't. No, I haven't, like, dated a lot of people. I've had, like, three boyfriends my entire life, and I'm.

[Kalila]

And one of them was.

[Brooke]

Yeah. And one of them was. Yeah. Yes.

[Kalila]

That's pretty lucky.

[Brooke]

But I. He was a singer, and, like, I loved his music and stuff, so I feel like I just, like, got. I just got Bamboozled.

[Kalila]

So you knew he was. So you had that, like, built in trust that.

[Brooke]

Yeah, I just, like, I already felt like I knew him because he's singing about his dead mom. I'm like, that's so sad.

[Kalila]

Do you feel like you have, like, Are you. Do you date bad?

[Esther]

Like, you have a bad picker?

[Brooke]

Yeah, I did. Yeah. Historically, I've, like, always chosen, like, horrible, awful guys, but I feel like I'm better. I'm good now.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther]

Is that a thing you can fix, though? Like, being. Having a bad picker, or is that something you fix through, like, addressing your trauma and then you be. You know, I feel like it's trial.

[Brooke]

And error, and I've, like. I feel like I've seen the worst of it. I hope to God I've seen the worst of it, because if it gets worse than that, like, I have to just, like, literally die.

[Esther]

When you watch Saltburn, were you like, oh, my God.

[Brooke]

It was exact. Like, literally. I was like. I felt. It was, like, traumatizing because I was like, I lived this.

[Esther]

That is so crazy.

[Brooke]

I don't get it. But, yeah, thank you for saying that. I don't think anyone claims him.

[Kalila]

I think it's Guess and check. You know, it's like, you just guess this could work out, and then you check, and you're like, this was a mistake.

[Esther]

Yeah. And I dated a gay guy for a couple years.

[Brooke]

Really? I get how that could happen, though.

[Esther]

It really.

[Brooke]

I'm telling you, I, like, love gay guys. Honestly, like, I feel like that's something I would fall into as well.

[Esther]

And then I. I. You know, just to cover for myself, I started telling everyone it's okay, like, I'm into half gay boys, but that's only because I've accidentally dated half gay boys. So to defend myself, I. To get ahead of it, I would say, like, oh, yeah. I like bi.

[Brooke]

You know, I'm, like, into that. It's like getting cheated on and being like. No, I actually. Polyamorous.

[Esther]

Exactly.

[Kalila]

I get.

[Brooke]

But I really, like. I've had a. Like. Like, genuine, actual crushes on, like, a lot of gay people. Especially, like, dancing growing up. Like, like, the male dancers. I was like, I'm in love with you. And it's like, he's on point. Yeah, you don't love him.

[Kalila]

I've had that with Broadway stars, too, where I'm just, like, in, like, RIP. Gavin Creel, who recently passed away, but he was, like, my favorite. I was like, I'm gonna marry him. And it was like, you're definitely not gonna. Can prove it to you.

[Brooke]

I feel like that could be good for just companionship, though. Like, mutually beneficial. Like, I would marry a gay guy, like, have a child, and then just, like, we can do our own things.

[Kalila]

That is a fantasy. I feel like that gets thrown out around a lot. I never. I never see it happen.

[Esther]

I feel like that might be more sustainable than a hetero relationship, because there's just so much on the line when you have all those, like, legit feelings that if you were to just, like, contractually go into something with someone and if they made good money, you made good money, and then just, like, raise a child together with not necessarily a whole lot of, like, affection and emotion, but the stability of it all. Is that so bad? But no.

[Brooke]

Weren't you guys just. I was just listening to you guys talk about arranged marriages, and I feel like my. My mind was changed.

[Kalila]

Well, I do. I am pro arranged marriage, and my child will be marrying someone who I choose, who I've already chosen.

[Brooke]

I have questions about this for you as a mother, like, because I feel like I would have a really hard time, like, watching my child make their own decisions, because I definitely am going to be like, you can't do that. That's wrong.

[Kalila]

Yes. So she's only eight months. So she has. No.

[Brooke]

So you haven't experienced that yet?

[Kalila]

Well, I've also already told myself, like, okay, while they're still completely dependent on the parent for, like, food and, like, safety, keeping them alive, they're. You. There's. They're still a part of you. That's, like, what I've told myself. And she's not really going to be a person until, like, she can go off on her own. So I'm not even crossing that bridge yet. Like.

[Brooke]

Okay.

[Esther]

Yeah, but are you seeing, like, bits and pieces of her, like, personality coming?

[Kalila]

I think so, yeah.

[Brooke]

Do you think you're gonna like her?

[Kalila]

Yes. No. I'm obsessed.

[Brooke]

Really, because I'm. That's my big. I'm not kidding. This is so horrible to say, but my biggest fear is, like, having a kid that I don' Blank.

[Kalila]

No, that's crazy.

[Esther]

No, no. Your brain literally, like, warps for you to be obsessed with your child.

[Brooke]

Okay, good.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

I feel like. I mean, I have that with, like, my cat. Like, I know that that's not the same thing, but it is.

[Esther]

No, it is, but it kind of is.

[Kalila]

I promise you it is, because I can't.

[Brooke]

I can't. I know that the love, like, especially for my first cat, like, not that I don't love my second cat, but, like, my first cat. I. I cannot. I know that I can't love something more than that. So it's like, I. It has to be the same thing for my kid.

[Esther]

I love that you're a cat person. Like, just visually, you don't look like a cat person.

[Brooke]

Oh, I'm such a cat person.

[Esther]

Same. I think I'm both. But cats truly are, like, the geniuses of the animal kingdom. Like, they are non kasari donut. But no one can compete.

[Brooke]

I just. I got. I have a second cat now, though, and I got a bangle.

[Esther]

Oh, yeah.

[Brooke]

Well, I love him so much, but it. I just. I, like, I wasn't prepared for, like, what a bangle is. Like. Like, my first cat is, like a domestic. Short hair, like, Angel. She doesn't do anything. She just, like, lays around all day. And a bangle, like, requires so much stimulation. Like, they have to. Like, he has a wheel that he runs on all day and you have to play with him all day long or he'll, like, actually, like, start rearranging furniture. And, like, he's so violent that I'm like. I almost, like, that's why I'm like, wait, am I gonna. Like all my kids? Because sometimes I'm like, oh, my God, I have to drop him off at the fire station. I love him enough now. Like, it. But it took a second. I had, like, postpartum with him where I was like. Like, I'm not connecting with him at all. Like, he's so mean and violent.

[Kalila]

How soon after. Like, how soon did you get him after you lost your first cat, or do you still have your.

[Brooke]

Oh, I still have my first cat.

[Kalila]

Okay.

[Brooke]

I got him for my first cat. I was, like, really going through it one day, and I was, like, walking through the grove, and I was like. I was crying. I don't know why. I was, like, having the worst day. And, like, this man was holding a little, tiny Bengal cat, and I was like, like, where'd you get that? He was like, honestly, you can have it. Like, I did not have it. I had to buy it. But I was like, drop it off tomorrow. And I got him. And I didn't really put a lot of thought into it. And I honestly got a lot of hate for this because it's like, bangles. Like, you're not. First of all, you're not supposed to get, like, a designer animal in general. Like, that's, like, frowned upon.

[Kalila]

Yeah. But if you walk up. Up on it.

[Brooke]

That's what I said. But people, like, genuinely think I'm lying about that, too, which I actually understand because, like, what do you mean? You got a bangle at the grove. But I really did. But I. They were right. I didn't do a lot of research and stuff, but now I have. And now I really, like, it's a lot of fun for me now. It just took me a second.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Yeah, you. It takes adjusting. That's. I think that makes you even more prepared to be a mom. And also, I'm curious. Do you want kids?

[Brooke]

Like, where are you so badly?

[Kalila]

Really?

[Brooke]

Oh, I want kids so bad.

[Kalila]

This is so fascinating to me when I hear young people know that they want kids, because I literally had no idea. Barely one of them was on the fence. Borderline. Didn't want kids, really. And I feel so, like, stupid about it now because now it's, like, the best thing that's ever happened to me. So I'm, like, so impressed that you know you want. Like, how do you even know?

[Esther]

I don't.

[Brooke]

I guess I've never even considered, like, not having kids. Like, my whole life, I've just thought, oh, everyone has kids.

[Kalila]

Wow.

[Brooke]

So I never thought to, like, not have kids, but I also, like, I know there's going to be a point. I mean, I hope there's not, but, like, where I maybe am bored and I'm like, oh, now I want to live again. Start over.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Through somebody else.

[Kalila]

Yeah, that's what I'm doing. It is really fun.

[Brooke]

That sounds bad.

[Esther]

I don't.

[Brooke]

I'm not. I don't want to be, like, a mom who, like, lives through their child.

[Kalila]

Why? That's great. Right?

[Brooke]

Well, I. I see it, and I always say this, but, like, you know when you, like, read a book or, like, see a movie and you love it so much, and then you, like, show it to, like, your friend and you're, like, you. It's so exciting. It's almost more fun to, like, watch them watch it.

[Kalila]

Yes.

[Brooke]

I feel like that's what, like, parenthood would be like. It's like, oh, now I get to show you. Oh, my God. Show you all these things.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

See it through your eyes.

[Esther]

That is. That is a really cute thing, though, that when you're showing something. When you're showing someone something you like, you're not watching the thing, you're watching them.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther]

That is really special.

[Brooke]

I think that's what being, like, a mom would be like.

[Esther]

That's like Bobby watching me watch West Wing, like, all six seasons.

[Brooke]

What's West Wing?

[Esther]

West Wing is an old political show from, like, what, the early 2000s.

[Kalila]

It's like Dave watching Donut watch West Wing because they watch it every night together.

[Esther]

They do, yeah.

[Kalila]

He loves the West Wing.

[Esther]

I was subjected to all, like. I don't know how many seasons there were, but at least the Aaron Sorkin ones. Like, six seasons of the West Wing. And Bobby would, like, literally, this is how it would be. It was like, I was here, he was here. He would just look at me. Watch West Wing.

[Brooke]

I love that. That's how I am, too, though. And if. If I'm showing something to someone and they're, like, on their phone or something, it's, like, the most heartbreaking.

[Esther]

Oh, my God. So heartbreaking. Such a betrayal.

[Brooke]

It is. It's like. It's hard. I'll end friendship.

[Esther]

It's like I'm giving you a gift, and you're rejecting this gift.

[Brooke]

Yeah. It's really sad.

[Kalila]

I want to go back to you saying, like. Like, it would be hard to watch someone make decisions you don't agree with, like, about a kid. Because that is actually something that I deal with in my life. But with my sister, like, so hardcore, and I am, like, going through A whole journey with it. Like, I. Forever. My approach was like, you're doing the wrong thing. Like, just like, almost like yelling at her, telling her, shaming her, whatever. And I just. This year was like, that's not working. It's never worked. I. I think magically it'll start working. And I realize, like, like you, there's literally nothing you can do.

[Brooke]

Yeah, I feel like I've had that some, in some ways, like, with my friends, like, maybe my friends who are younger than me and stuff. And I'm like, I lived this. Like, please don't live it. But it's like I learned at a certain point you can't like someone. You have to make the mistake yourself before you're gonna believe anybody. Like, you can't.

[Kalila]

It sucks.

[Brooke]

It's so hard.

[Esther]

You also can't interfere to the point where they're no longer opening up to you because they're ashamed or they're gonna, you know, they're gonna get a telling to, or, you know, I told you so. And that's shitty because at least for me, like, I watched my sister go through the most horrendous six year relationship where it was not even just like, it was the most emotionally abusive relationship I've ever seen, like, in real life. And I fucking hated this dude. Like, I would have like, stabbed him in his sleep, like, not. No joke. Like, I hated him that much. But I could not say anything until the very end where I was like, okay, like, enough, you know? But it's because you could tell that every time I did try to, like, intervene, she would start to pull away.

[Brooke]

Yeah. And you don't want her to be, like, afraid to confide in you about things.

[Kalila]

That's what happened to us. Me and my mom got completely cut out and then finally was like, okay, okay, okay. And then I, like, I got her back, but she shares now and I just have to be like, that's great. Okay, that sounds interesting.

[Brooke]

It is hard, though. I struggle with that a lot. Like, I want to, Like, I'm very controlling over everybody and I, like, like, I can't be that way.

[Kalila]

I love being controlling.

[Brooke]

I do too. But it's like, like you said, like, people will. They just like, stop wanting to even, like, have me involved.

[Esther]

Do you feel as though you'd be like a helicopter parent?

[Brooke]

I don't know. Because, like, I've. I had. So I grew up with my grandparents and my grandparents were like, they raised boys and like, by the time they got me, they were literally like, do whatever you want. And because of that, I wasn't, like, rebellious. I didn't really do anything wrong because I was like. I guess I. I felt no need to, like, like, rebel and.

[Kalila]

So are you an only child?

[Brooke]

I'm. I'm not, but I, Like, I was the only one girl who grew up with my grandparents. So, like, I grew up alone in a house. Oh. Like, I have siblings.

[Kalila]

And where did they grow up?

[Brooke]

Everyone separately. So, like, my. We. Me and my sisters all have different dads, and me and my brother have different moms. What really made me start thinking about this is, like, watching all these UFC fights. Okay. Because I'm watching ufc.

[Kalila]

Where is this going?

[Brooke]

Because. Because it goes along with, like. Like, I cannot. These choices. Because, like, imagine you raise your child, like, all the way into adulthood. You put everything into parenting this child, and then they decide they want to be a UFC fighter and get CTE and get cte, and, like, they could literally die with one punch. And it's like, you, like, I can't tell you not to do this. That's my biggest fear in life.

[Esther]

I totally get that because it is so, like, you're right. Like, you've now molded this beautiful brain, only for it to be, like, pounded on within, you know, 20 seconds of a fuck of a fight. That's. That's. That's scary. Also football, by the way.

[Brooke]

Yeah. I would never.

[Esther]

Forever.

[Brooke]

Soccer. Or, like, maybe baseball.

[Esther]

Baseball is it.

[Kalila]

See, I have this delusional confidence with my kid where I'm like, I'm the crazy one. She's perfect. Like, she's gonna be perfect because I was the one that was, like, all the problems. I don't know why. I just believe that I'm, like, manifesting it.

[Brooke]

I think that's probably gonna happen for you. You believe it and it becomes true.

[Kalila]

Yeah. So you can just maybe do a few more crazy things, and then you'll solidify yourself as the crazy one in the line in the lineage.

[Brooke]

Yeah. My kids going to know I'm the crazy one probably immediately.

[Esther]

What if. What if Ace, though, she turns 14 and she's like, mom, you know, I've really gotten to Jiu jitsu, and I think I now want to get into, like, mma.

[Kalila]

That's fine. That's fine.

[Esther]

You're going to just.

[Brooke]

Have you watched it?

[Kalila]

No.

[Brooke]

It's so inhumane. It's so inhumane. And I cannot believe that it's a legal, like, sport that people pay, like, like, tens of or hundreds of thousands of dollars to go see. Like, they sit there and they're like this. And, like, it's not over until someone's, like, nearly dead.

[Kalila]

I literally feel exactly the same as you. I went once, not knowing what it was, and was like, I'm going to get some popcorn. I'll see you guys after. I cannot watch it.

[Brooke]

It's.

[Kalila]

I. It's so inhumane. Boxing is also inhumane. Yeah. It's crazy that we're just paying and cheering to watch people fight, but I.

[Brooke]

Felt that way, like, oh, my God, just the. Did you watch the Mike Tyson, Jake Paul?

[Kalila]

I did.

[Brooke]

Horrible. But the fight right before it, the two girls, like, and her whole eyebrows, like, FL off, and they're just still fighting, and that's someone's kid. You know what I mean? Like, their parent is watching them. Like, I did my best.

[Esther]

It's Joanna Yejuk, and she is one of the best. She's one of. She's Polish. She's one of the best. Most iconic UFC fighters. She's since retired, but she had this massive. I don't think I've ever seen, like, a contusion like that fucking big. It looked like she grew another head on top of her head. Right, Stella? And it's like, I don't want that for Ace. Esther, you know, it's been a while.

[Kalila]

Since you've made us pull up something that makes us all nauseous, and I just want to say thank you for letting us have a few months.

[Esther]

You're welcome. Do you want that for Ace?

[Kalila]

No, stop.

[Brooke]

I just mean, like, I don't want her.

[Esther]

I don't. She's. I refuse. As her auntie. No UFC for Ace.

[Brooke]

I just mean, like, dangerous activities in general. Like, what if. You know the people who do, like, a thousand flips on a trampoline, and then it's like, okay, one wrong landing, and you're just paralyzed.

[Kalila]

I think that, like, you guys are talking to the wrong person. Like, I. Look at me and look at my husband.

[Esther]

Like, I never know, though, sometimes. Okay, that's enough.

[Brooke]

Just, like, genetically, like, I'm predisposed, like, my kids. Like, there's probably gonna be something same for me.

[Esther]

Like, for sure. Like, my lineage is batshit crazy.

[Brooke]

Me, too. There's not a person who hasn't, like, either been to prison or, like. Like. Yeah, no, it's pretty bad.

[Esther]

Listen, Brooke. My favorite uncle is a murderer. Like, I still send him money every month. Yeah. Because he's in my heart. Like, he. I grew up with the. He was my favorite uncle. He went to all of my swim meets. The Most loving guy. And then when I was 15, he killed my other uncle in broad daylight with a machete. And he served, what, like 20 years in prison in the Philippines. I go back home. We still. We're still as affectionate as ever. It's like I've completely compartmentalized. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't see that thing, that horrible, like, evil thing that he did. And I'm just like, uncle Carlo.

[Brooke]

I understand that. I keep watching all these documentaries about, like, things like that, where it's like. Like, I know he did it, but I still love him. Like Luca Magnotta.

[Esther]

Oh, my God. The worst of the worst.

[Brooke]

His mom's like, that's my boy. Anyway, well, that. He was chopping people up, putting them into suitcases.

[Kalila]

As the mother, you have to. To. You have to.

[Brooke]

I don't. I don't know how I feel. It's like my kid.

[Esther]

You know what that is? That's boy mom.

[Brooke]

But like a boy mom.

[Kalila]

No, I'm a girl mom. How dare you?

[Brooke]

I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know.

[Esther]

But that's it. That's boy moms create Luca Magnottas.

[Brooke]

I think they just are too forgiving.

[Esther]

Yeah, they're just like, my boy. My boy. What. What is Lisa Gilroy call it? Joshi. Oh, yeah, the Joshies. Yeah, they let them get away with everything. They don't, don't they? They. They don't set, like, guardrails for their boys. Their boys can do no wrong. And then you create Luca Magnottas.

[Kalila]

I think I'm okay because my baby's 75 Jewish and only 25 white trash, so I feel like it's looking good for us.

[Brooke]

Wait, are you. Who's Jewish?

[Kalila]

I'm half. And my. My. Her dad is fully.

[Brooke]

Oh, that's amazing.

[Esther]

How white trash is your white trash?

[Kalila]

It's really. Hunting, fishing. It's really.

[Brooke]

That's a different kind of white trash than I'm thinking. Like, I've got, like, crystal meth white trash.

[Esther]

That's.

[Kalila]

That's a little. That's a step further. But my biological grand grandfather did have a tattoo of a naked woman on his arm, so.

[Brooke]

Right.

[Esther]

Well, yeah, that's like, you know, he lives in.

[Kalila]

He lives in a trailer park, and I only met him once.

[Esther]

But the hunting, fishing, hunting, fishing, that's just like.

[Kalila]

Like, that's just not.

[Brooke]

People just do that.

[Kalila]

I don't. I don't support that personally. It's like, really?

[Brooke]

I love Camo. I love to wear camo, but that's.

[Kalila]

Just because it's, like, in style right now.

[Brooke]

You're right.

[Kalila]

Wait, so do you know your mom? Like, do you have. You do?

[Brooke]

Yeah. I was with my mom until I was nine, and then. Then I. I can't remember. She either, like, went to rehab or prison or something, and then I went with my grandparents, and then I just never left.

[Kalila]

Oh, wow.

[Esther]

Do you have a relationship with her now?

[Brooke]

Yes, but not like a healthy one. Just like a. We, like, we're not close at all.

[Esther]

Did she eventually get it together?

[Brooke]

No. Bless her heart, though. Yeah.

[Esther]

I always feel like mommy wounds are, like. You know how people always talk about, like, oh, you know, she's got, like, daddy issues. I think people underestimate how deep mommy wounds are. And I don't know, I think it, like. I think that's a festering wound that, like, never quite heals.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

People don't really talk about it a lot. I. Like, she's had moments, like, where she's, like, a very good. Like, I've gone through, like, a breakup where she was, like, very helpful for me because she's also very. She's like, I have a personality disorder. She has the same one.

[Esther]

Which one do you have?

[Brooke]

Borderline.

[Esther]

Oh, fun.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

We have to talk about that.

[Brooke]

So fun. But she has, like. You know, it's hard to talk to somebody who doesn't have it when you're going through something like that, because it's like. Like, I need you to understand, like, what is going on in here. And she was very helpful then, like, she's had her moments, but she's just. She's lost.

[Kalila]

Wait, she has borderline or. She does.

[Brooke]

She has.

[Kalila]

Well, she does, but she doesn't know she has it.

[Brooke]

No, she has it.

[Kalila]

Okay.

[Brooke]

She has it. She's got it. But.

[Kalila]

Okay, you're saying this about the mommy wound, right? But if she's got an amazing grandmother and grandparents raising her, like, I feel like that's beautiful. And just as.

[Esther]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brooke]

You're gonna hate to hear this. Oh, no, no. I had, like, I. That. I think that's, like, what I have. So I had, like, obviously horrible parent. Not horrible parents, but they were drug addict, drug addicts. So, like, there's the trauma. But then I also had, like, my grandparents, who are so, like, just the perfect parents. And then my grandma got dementia and just, like, forgot me.

[Kalila]

Oh.

[Brooke]

So then I got, like, double mommy issues.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

It's just kind of a bummer.

[Kalila]

I have, like, grandparent issues. Because my grandparents died before I was born. And, like, I. But I grew up in their house. It's funny, it makes it sound like I grew up alone in a house alone. So, like, I just have all, like, all this. Like, I always, like, think about what it could have been like to have grandparents who love me. Because my grandparents who are alive. I'll just put it bluntly. They didn't love me.

[Esther]

But do we know why they didn't love you? You.

[Kalila]

Well, they didn't really know me. They moved to Saudi Arabia for 16 years when I was born.

[Brooke]

It's hard to have a relationship.

[Kalila]

It's complicated. Wait, but so you. It's very rare to meet someone who is open about knowing they have borderline. Like, Right.

[Esther]

Yeah. I feel like we usually tend to come across, like, people with. Who are obviously borderline, but who are just, like.

[Brooke]

Like, deniers.

[Esther]

Deniers. Like, I was that aware. Really? How did you eventually come to being like, okay, this is what I have.

[Brooke]

I had to be, like, so badly triggered because, like, I had. There had been talks of it, obviously, because I've always had, like, psychological problems, kind of. And how does it show up? I don't know. I think it's, like, maybe just, like, age or, like, it's triggered by something. I'm not sure. Like, it's very. It's genetic. So, like.

[Kalila]

No, but, like, how does it. It show up on you? Like, how do you.

[Esther]

In your relationships and your friendships?

[Brooke]

Just, like, when I feel like somebody's, like, leaving me or abandoning me or abandoning me. Why can't I say abandon? Abandoning.

[Esther]

Got it.

[Brooke]

Abandoning me. I feel like I just get so far out of my mind and, like, so out of control. And, like, you. Like, the way I act is like, I cannot. I literally, like, see red, and I'm just not a normal human being.

[Esther]

That is the baseline for borderline. Right. Like, it is, like, abandonment issues.

[Brooke]

Yeah. And I feel it, like, when it's not even true, necessarily. Like, I. I can. I can just feel like, oh, I wasn't invited to something, and then I just spiral out. Like, and I'm better about it now, but it took, like, a really bad breakup for me to really acknowledge. Like, oh, this is. Like, I actually do have this, and not, like, denied as much.

[Kalila]

I don't know. I'm like, that sounds pretty normal to me.

[Brooke]

No, it was like, I was. I was, like, so out of control of my mind. And, like, not to be dark, but, like, I wanted. I literally wanted to kill myself. So, like, so bad. And I'VE never felt that way ever. And so I was like, I just. I. Like, I. I literally felt like somebody else was driving my body. That's, like, how I describe it. Like, when things, like, really crazy things happen, I feel like I. Like somebody else is at the wheel, and I'm just like, I have to watch it.

[Kalila]

Do you struggle then with, like, female friendships or any kind of friendship or, like, even. So you're in a situation, like, similar to us, where you work with a friend you have a podcast with. Are you guys best friends or, like.

[Brooke]

Yeah, from.

[Kalila]

From, like, a lot.

[Brooke]

Yeah, we started as best friends, and then we. We got. We had the podcast together.

[Kalila]

But did you know each other, like, from out here growing up or something?

[Brooke]

No, we met. We met, like, seven years ago. Six years ago.

[Kalila]

Okay, so do you have challenges there? Because, like, that stuff that we've dealt with, having the show, even just for, like, three, four years, whatever it's been. Do you deal with, like. Like, how do you guys deal with that? Because it's. It can be hard. Friendship work is.

[Brooke]

It's. It is very hard.

[Kalila]

A lot. That's.

[Brooke]

That's a lot of what I see, too, because I'm, like, I'm very emotional, and, like. Like, I. I'm reactive. Like, and I react to things, like, small things in very, very big ways. So I feel like we've struggled with that a lot because she's not. She's not reactive in that way. Like, she handles situations very differently. So we've had a lot of, like, butting heads in, like, work. But I feel like our friendship is still pretty strong. But it is hard to work with your friends. Like, mix it. It's like working with your partner or, like.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Married and also having business together. Did you do that?

[Esther]

Well, I'm still working with my ex.

[Brooke]

Oh, right, right, right, right.

[Esther]

Yeah, so. But him and I, like, we're. We're a couple years, like, removed from our breakup, and so now we're, like, in a super good place. But no, like, when. When Bobby and I initially broke up and we were recording, oh, my God, it was so painful. And I had to, like, hear. Even though I was playing Cool Girl, I had to hear stories about, like, him dating again, all of these things. And then I was just like, yeah, tell me more, Tell me more. And I was just, like, dying on the inside.

[Kalila]

Do you. Do you have to implement any sort of, like, distance or rules or boundaries?

[Esther]

What are you trying to say, Esther?

[Kalila]

What are you.

[Esther]

Are we breaking up?

[Kalila]

No, never. We're good.

[Esther]

We just FaceTimed at midnight last night.

[Kalila]

I know. Thanks for calling back.

[Esther]

I did call you back.

[Kalila]

I was calling. I was like, she's not going to answer. And then you called back.

[Esther]

I always like what she has to say on her late night phase. It's always like, one thing. Like, one thing. I loved when you did this. Okay, bye. And then that's it.

[Kalila]

I know. I. Thank you. But like, I. But you have to admit, like, for us doing this show for a long time, like, we did have to sort of keep a safe distance. Like, I'm curious if. And I. And also my other podcast, like, I've had to do that too. I'm just curious. Do you ever feel like you have to have a distance at all to make the work relationship be safer or. No?

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Yes.

[Brooke]

I feel like, especially since we started touring, like, it's. That's so much time to spend together. And then also we have like, this huge, like, like business together. And like, obviously we're doing shows and stuff. So I feel like we did have to have like, some space just to like, have a healthy relationship still. Because it was like we. We were just like. We'd argue over, like, the smallest things, like timing and stuff, and it was like, just not good for the overall picture. So we definitely. It like, was trial and error. Like, we had to have a lot of like, crazy arguments to finally, like, get into like, a rhythm of like, oh, you, like, we can see each other like, X amount of hours per day, literally.

[Kalila]

Yeah, that's so.

[Brooke]

Because.

[Esther]

Yeah, because you get to enmesh. Then it gets to like, it just. Yeah, like, the same with family. Right? Like, you have to be careful if you work with family. But with you and I, we've been doing this for what, like, four years?

[Kalila]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Esther]

It wasn't until this year that I was like, okay, like, let's be friends. Friends. Because I was very like this. Like, just like, keep everyone's. Keep everyone at this distance. Because I. I was afraid of exactly what you're describing, which is like, it just gets like, it can get ugly. Very.

[Brooke]

Yeah, it just, it's. It's just hard because, like, when you're so close, because we are like, I love her more than anything. Like, she's my best friend. But like, it, like when we do have disagreements and stuff, like, about like the podcast or touring or whatever it is, it's like, like the, like boundaries get crossed because we are friends. Like, where that wouldn't happen if we were just like, would just work together 100.

[Kalila]

Yeah, that's. That makes sense.

[Brooke]

So we've. We've had to, like, learn a lot, I feel like. But now we're. We're really in a rhythm and, like, I'm less reactive because I'm. I'm on, like, mood stabilizers and stuff now.

[Esther]

You want tell us?

[Brooke]

I'm on lamictal.

[Esther]

Oh, Lamictal is a old school baby. It's.

[Brooke]

Oh, my God. It has changed my life. I just started, like, a few months ago, and, like, and then we started touring again, and it was like, the difference between the two tours were, like, so crazy. It just like. And then I realized, like, I was probably the problem.

[Kalila]

But see how cool that is? You're like, you know, your. Your diagnosis. You're on meds. Like, you're. You're. You seem like someone who really takes responsibility and ownership. Well, thank you.

[Brooke]

I feel like I just got, like, I almost had to because I was spiraling out so bad that I was so miserable. I was like, please help somebody.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

It helped that, like, I had my mom and I had my sister and, like, people who, like, I. I had seen it in them, so I knew, like, I knew what was going on. You know what I mean? And I had them to talk to and help me. Like, medications, especially, like, if your mom is on it or your sister's on it and it works, it'll most likely work for you. So I didn't have to do, like, a lot of trial and error there. I literally just was just like. Like, I had it lined up. Like, everyone was like, okay, this is the next.

[Esther]

That's amazing because really, with. With meds, it really is trial and error. Like, what works for one can have the complete opposite effect on the other person.

[Brooke]

Yeah, I see it with my friends all the time. Like, antidepressants and stuff. It's like, it can be so discouraging to have to, like, try something and take it for, you know, four months before you know if it's gonna work. And, like, how about that?

[Kalila]

The adjustment period, they're like, by the way, while you're adjusting, you might want to commit suicide.

[Brooke]

Like, what? But it's so. It's. It's horrible, but it's like, it happens to so many people. So I was lucky. Like, probably, like, the second thing I took was, like, the one. And I. I've been on, like, Wellbutrin for, like, six years, and it's like, also, like, I could never stop taking it. It's been so helpful.

[Esther]

I was accidentally put on antipsychotic in high school, what called Zyprexa. Because I was like, always trying to, like, kill myself in high school because I was just like, really spiraling in a really bad place.

[Brooke]

I see how that could happen.

[Esther]

I was always trying. I was 51, 53 times games. I was at BHC twice. In another, I feel seen here, girl, let me tell you, like my. I am queen meanti B. Like, I have had so many spirals and especially between, I think like 15 to like 24. What a dark place.

[Kalila]

So also, sorry. A crazy thing too, that happened to her that I can't get over is that one of the counselors working in the. What's it called, the facility that you.

[Esther]

Were at in Torrance hit on her.

[Kalila]

And they started dating.

[Brooke]

Yeah. That's horrible.

[Esther]

But then, because I am then an unreliable witness, right? I'm an unreliable person. I'm not a person to be believed because I'm already. I already just tried to kill myself. If I were to say this person crossed the line and dated me, who would believe me? I am like a 17 year old who just tried to off herself. So that's when it becomes a little bit, like, not beyond predatory. It's so just like opportunistic for someone to be in that position to be like, you know what? I'm going to choose someone already down because no one's going to believe her.

[Kalila]

You guys, last night I started watching the Jared Fogle story.

[Esther]

The subway guy?

[Kalila]

Yeah, the documentary about it. First of all, we had to turn it off, not because we were disturbed, but because Dave kept saying he wanted subway and he wouldn't stop. I was like, you're. We're not getting subway. It's not open. He. He's like, you know, it's open. I'm like, I know. But anyways, it was. It also was disturbing, but it is crazy. Like the Jared folk. Do you know? Do you. Are you too young?

[Brooke]

I. The guy with the pants?

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther]

Yes.

[Brooke]

Yeah, Yeah, I know he got canceled, but I. I don't know what for. Not canceled, but I know, like, one.

[Kalila]

Step further than cancellation is when you have to go to jail.

[Esther]

Little boys.

[Kalila]

He was just a disgusting pedophile. I didn't finish it, but it's such a hard topic for me because, like.

[Esther]

Because you look like a child.

[Kalila]

No, no. I thought you were gonna say because you look like Jared, and I was kind of gonna be into it. No, it's like, because he invent. He invented the subway diet.

[Esther]

It's not you trying to defend Jared.

[Brooke]

I'M not.

[Kalila]

I'm not.

[Brooke]

I'm not.

[Kalila]

I want to be clear. It's horrible what he did, but I'm. When you separate the stories, it's like, really, Uncle, It's.

[Esther]

You know what? Thank you, bro.

[Kalila]

He did such a beautiful. It's not like your uncle. I don't forgive him.

[Brooke]

But you can identify that he did this, like, really amazing thing, which was that the sub Subway Diet.

[Kalila]

It's crazy that he's known for that. And then also now it's been ruined and known for this.

[Brooke]

It just.

[Kalila]

I've always wanted to.

[Brooke]

It's.

[Kalila]

Here's what it comes from. I've always wanted to invent my own diet. And he did it, and he made millions.

[Esther]

He didn't invent it, though. He was just.

[Kalila]

He did invent it.

[Esther]

He wasn't just a diet to be. The Subway Diet.

[Kalila]

I know.

[Brooke]

See?

[Kalila]

You don't even know this.

[Esther]

I don't know.

[Kalila]

This is how crazy this is. Jared invented the Subway Diet.

[Brooke]

What is the Subway Diet?

[Kalila]

He invented walking to Subway and only eating Subway sandwiches for every meal. Meal he invented.

[Brooke]

That's not a diet to me. I. That's like. I. I don't know what that is.

[Kalila]

That's just £300 in less than a year. Don't tell me that's not.

[Brooke]

He was on Semi Glue Tide. I know.

[Esther]

The first iteration ever.

[Brooke]

He invented trial.

[Esther]

Wait a second. So how did he even. They found him by accident. Because he had to have been talking about it somewhere. And there was no Internet.

[Kalila]

There was a local news article. Hear me out. It was in Bloomington, Indiana. He was a student. Student. There was a local article about him. And somehow some way that word got to Subway headquarters. And smart thinking at Subway, they're like, let's do something different. Let's not cast a cheesy actor. Let's get a real person. And then that is why Jared stood out so much, because he was this, like, this, honestly, this, like, creature who has been, like, hiding obese his whole life. And then now he's locked out the gates. He's a star.

[Brooke]

It's.

[Kalila]

It is a beautiful story. Until you get to the pedophilia, obviously. Obviously. But before that, it's so beautiful as a Midwesterner. That's all I'm saying. I'm from the Midwest. No.

[Esther]

Where?

[Brooke]

Arizona.

[Kalila]

No. She tried. She tried.

[Brooke]

I have not a clue. Couldn't point out it on a map.

[Esther]

I see what you're saying.

[Kalila]

Thank you.

[Esther]

In. In again, like you said, in the same way, like, I love my Uncle, I loved our story. No, no, it is. Is it. It is similar. Not the. Quite the same. Not quite the same, but you love the Subway diet. You love this. That story and that story only and reject the rest.

[Kalila]

Yeah, but is that okay? I don't support pedophiles.

[Brooke]

No, nobody. Yeah, nobody does here, by the way.

[Esther]

Also.

[Kalila]

Except for Kila.

[Esther]

No, but I'm. I'm saying, like. Like, you know, like Stella says, two things can be true. It. It was. It was a great enough story that they made a documentary about it. Like, they had to obviously, like, highlight just.

[Kalila]

No, the documentary isn't about that, though.

[Esther]

Oh, I didn't watch it. I'm striking out here.

[Brooke]

I feel like that's what you pulled from the documentary.

[Kalila]

You're like. It seems a lot like that's really.

[Brooke]

Passionate about this whole. Did.

[Esther]

Did Dave get his sub Subway?

[Kalila]

No, I wouldn't let him. I made him a yogurt bowl instead.

[Brooke]

I had Subway the other day. Honestly, it's really slept on. Do you like. Do you guys like Arby's?

[Esther]

I love Arby's. And I love our sunset. Just clothes.

[Kalila]

I know.

[Brooke]

And they make it, like. It's. You know how, like, people made it embarrassing to, like, Nickelback? Like, everyone made fun of you if you liked Nickelback.

[Esther]

I reject that whole movement because I love Creed.

[Brooke]

Yeah, so do I. I love, like, Divorced Dad. Like, the genre. Like. Like, Creed 3 doors down. Like, all of them.

[Esther]

Yes.

[Brooke]

Love that. But I feel that way about Arby's. Like, everybody made it, like, an embarrassing thing to, like, Arby's. And I love our. I had an Arby's sandwich every day. School. I had every day.

[Kalila]

I had Subway every day. Which now you're seeing.

[Brooke]

No wonder you're so passionate about the Subway diet. Did you walk there?

[Kalila]

I always wanted to walk there, but ours was just a little too far for me to walk there.

[Esther]

Arby said a five for five, right?

[Kalila]

I think you're thinking White Castle.

[Esther]

No, that's a five for five. Arby's had. Or when I didn't know that it was embarrassing to, like, Arby's.

[Brooke]

Maybe it's not. Maybe I'm just like.

[Esther]

No, I think you're right, though. I think I was just, like, a stupid immigrant, and I was like, arby's? Like what? You know, like that. I thought that was, like, you know, top of the line.

[Brooke]

Fast food is to me. But I, like. I struggle a lot, too, with, like, just being embarrassed about things that aren't embarrassing.

[Kalila]

What's your order? At Arby's.

[Brooke]

Just Arby's sandwich.

[Kalila]

That's. Wow.

[Brooke]

Oh, are you shaming me? That's actually crazy. And I'm. Yeah.

[Esther]

What did you get?

[Kalila]

A Subway? Is that what you're gonna.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Oh, I have the stupidest Subway order ever. But I love it so much. It's the flat. I get a flatbread and I put turkey and salami and banana peppers.

[Kalila]

That sounds really good.

[Brooke]

And then I toast it and chipotle mayo.

[Kalila]

I think that you just did my husband a big favorite. Because I'm going to go home tonight. I'm going to be like, babe, it's good.

[Brooke]

It's so good. I had it the other day.

[Kalila]

I've never tried the flatbread.

[Brooke]

Oh, I love it.

[Kalila]

You're weird, girl. I've never heard of anyone doing that.

[Brooke]

I just like to be different.

[Esther]

I feel like Quiznos was superior.

[Brooke]

But that left Quiznos is where I got the idea for the chipotle mayonnaise. That's when I started putting on everything.

[Kalila]

Subway put Quiznos out of business when they got toaster ovens.

[Brooke]

We lost Quiznos.

[Kalila]

No, I'm just saying we lost Quiznos. We did.

[Brooke]

Did we?

[Esther]

I don't think there are any Quiznos.

[Kalila]

That's true.

[Esther]

I think Togos is still alive.

[Brooke]

Oh, no, wait. What's the one that has the. The club.

[Kalila]

Or wait, Jimmy John's Jimmy.

[Brooke]

No, no, I think it's Jersey Mike's. What's it called? The Club Club sub. That. Oh, God. Tana put me on. She puts the chips on it. It is so good. They also have a tub sub and a tub.

[Kalila]

Oh, I've gotten that. When I was pregnant, I had that. I wasn't supposed to have deli meats, so.

[Brooke]

Did you have pregnancy cravings?

[Kalila]

This is a parody. I didn't really have cravings. No. I just was, like, sick and miserable and I wanted, like, turkey sandwiches, honestly. And you're not allowed to have that.

[Esther]

But during your pregnancy, I made sure to watch for any listeria outbreaks, and there were none. So you were good.

[Brooke]

Such a sweet thing to do for somebody.

[Esther]

I was like, she can eat it. Cuz I knew she was eating sandwiches here and there. And so I was tracking the outbreaks on cdc.

[Brooke]

I didn't know that that was a thing. I also didn't know that I. I wasn't supposed to change kitty litter. You taught me that.

[Esther]

The way the toxoplasmosis. That's only if your kitty is like an outdoor cat.

[Brooke]

Oh, my cats are not outdoors. I thought Toxoplasmosis was when you smell your cat and you like how it smells.

[Esther]

Toxoplasmosis is a protozoan, and it is a banana shaped protozoan, but it's actually from the soil. And the cats, outdoor cats, tend to get it from the soil and then it shows up in their feces and then it enters your body and then you become crazy and. But in a weird artistic way. Not even like a bad crazy.

[Brooke]

I felt like that's kind of beautiful.

[Kalila]

Yeah. Like, do we want it?

[Esther]

We want it because there's that one artist and he. He's a famous artist, but he was famous for drawing cats and painting cats. But as he became sicker and sicker with toxoplasmosis, his artwork then really kind of took off because he would make these crazy pictures of these cats that look like very psychedelic. But it was because he was sick in the mind from his own cats and he became famous because of it. So it's not always a bad thing. Like I say, inhale, catch it, and let me know how it goes.

[Brooke]

Okay. I feel like I've been doing it. I've been living that life.

[Kalila]

And he's trying.

[Brooke]

I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of, like, something like, triggering me. And all of a sudden I'm just like. Something's really strange about. Oh, wow.

[Esther]

Yeah. So cute.

[Brooke]

Yeah. I'm noticing when he got a little weirder.

[Esther]

Yeah. It became like the picture all the way to the right is when he got a little bit weird.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

That was I miss Furby era.

[Brooke]

Oh, I miss. I was a Furby, like three years in a row for Halloween.

[Kalila]

You were a sexy Furby.

[Brooke]

No, it was my mom. My mom made us all Furbies. And then I was the youngest. So like, I just wore, like, then I wore Megan's costume and then I wore Tori's costume and I just, like, had to be Furby, like, every year.

[Kalila]

Wait, so are you close with your sisters now?

[Brooke]

Not really. Yeah, but I love them.

[Kalila]

Yeah, same actually. Really? No.

[Brooke]

Did you grow up with your. Well, yeah, I did. Does what I was saying, like. Like that was just a dumb question because, like.

[Kalila]

No, it's not. Because we're half sisters. People always ask that. Yeah, but she was eight years older.

[Brooke]

Oh, that's a big difference.

[Kalila]

Yeah. And she abused me. Oh.

[Esther]

But it's gonna sound a little bit sick.

[Brooke]

I know.

[Kalila]

I feel like.

[Brooke]

But what. Sorry, I was gonna say, like, we keep saying, like, these things like that are so dark, but it's like that's our show. I love the show. Okay, good.

[Kalila]

Is your show not like that?

[Brooke]

No. If I said, like, oh, yeah, I was gonna kill myself on my show, like, I feel like it'd be like, everyone would be like, maybe don't say that.

[Esther]

Oh, no, no, no. That's all we talk about is, oh.

[Brooke]

I love it here.

[Esther]

Yeah. That's 5150 is our jam. But you guys ever. I don't think this anymore. Obviously, I'm an adult, and I'm therapist, but did you ever fantasize about having different babies with different dads just to see the genetic.

[Kalila]

Yes.

[Esther]

Like, result of that?

[Brooke]

I think that's fascinating. Like, artificial insemination. Like, have you guys seen that documentary about, like, the Man With a Thousand Kids Y. That I thought was cool? Because I'm like. Like, just being able to, like, find just a beautiful man. Be like, oh, I'm gonna have a kid with this guy. That's so cool, because, like, if I look at my track history, like, none of. None of those guys are making a beautiful kid.

[Esther]

Oh, wait, no. I'm an uggo chaser, too.

[Brooke]

Really?

[Esther]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go for short. And short gargoyles is my usual, like, vibe.

[Brooke]

I see how that could happen.

[Kalila]

You see how that could happen? Wait, do you ever think about that? Babies with different dads? Because you have sisters with different dads, so it must be.

[Brooke]

It was very normal to me, but I guess I. I always imagined that I'd have one partner.

[Esther]

I think that's where it's hard for me, because it's like, I have, obviously, this fantasy of being, like, how would this turn out genetically? But then when, like, I fall in love with an uggo, like, I fall deep, and it's like, but you're gonna.

[Brooke]

Have a beautiful child no matter what because you're Filipino.

[Esther]

Is that a thing? Yes, that is true. Maybe. Esther?

[Kalila]

I think so.

[Brooke]

I feel like all my friends who are Philippine, like, everyone's beautiful. Beautiful.

[Esther]

Filipinos are beautiful. Thank you.

[Brooke]

And they can sing.

[Esther]

Except your ex. He was a little bit on the. Yeah, a little bit on the wrong side. Yeah.

[Brooke]

I'm thinking, girls.

[Esther]

We do always, like, finish, like, top 10 in Miss Universe.

[Brooke]

Really?

[Kalila]

I mean, you're gorgeous. So it's just.

[Esther]

Thank you.

[Kalila]

I mean, not today, obviously. Not today.

[Esther]

Not for a couple more months, but I'll get back there.

[Brooke]

Guys, I wonder. I'm so surprised. It's like, you still have Bell's palsy.

[Esther]

I know. So is my doctor. I went in the other day. I Called Esther crying. Because my doctor was like, huh?

[Kalila]

Like, it's still there.

[Brooke]

So unsettling.

[Esther]

He's like, I'm surprised because he literally told me it'd be a couple weeks, you know, a steroid pack, antivirals, and it'd be gone.

[Brooke]

What I did, like, I guess it was like a Z pack or something that they use.

[Esther]

It wasn't a Z pack. It was anti. Basically, like, herpes medication. So it was like a Valtrex.

[Kalila]

I feel like when I walk into the doctor, the doctor's office, they're all the nurses and doctors are, like, shaking, and they would never, like, misspeak like that to me because they all know that I'm like, the next one to be the shooter. They're, like, so scared. But with you, you get, like, the real reaction. That's interesting.

[Brooke]

It's gonna go away.

[Esther]

Are you sure? Yeah. Because my doctor is. Is having second thoughts.

[Kalila]

No, because some.

[Brooke]

I think some people are just slower. Slower.

[Kalila]

And they say six months.

[Esther]

Well, now he said six. He's saying six months. Initially he was like, oh, a couple weeks, you'll be fine.

[Kalila]

You've been going through stress, and I.

[Esther]

Have, so I know that's why.

[Brooke]

That's probably. If. It's probably just harder for your body to. I feel like if I got it right now, it would just never go away because I'm just every. Everything's shot. I've been waking up sick for, like, two months straight. I just had my first pap smear, which was ever. Yeah, I know. What? I know, I know. And, yeah, I just got my first pap smear, and then it was abnormal. And then I had to get, like, chunks of my cervix taken out, like, days ago. So now I'm like, I'm never going to do that again. I don't like medical anxiety. I would prefer to just never go in.

[Esther]

Did they just freeze it the inside? Because that's what I got done when I had a normal pap smear.

[Brooke]

I don't know yet. I still have to wait to find out what the chunks say. Oh.

[Esther]

Oh, they actually, like.

[Brooke]

Yeah. They took the chunks out. Yes.

[Esther]

Yeah. If it is abnormal, they just, like, freeze it. And then you have to wear a diaper for a month. I gotta say, Brooke, you live somewhat of, like, a very parallel, like, life. Like, it's so weird, like, coming in, in. When I saw you walk in, I literally had a thought in my head. I wonder if she's had Bell's palsy.

[Kalila]

You did not.

[Esther]

No, I swear To God.

[Kalila]

Crazy.

[Esther]

I. I had this feeling because I. My sister dropped me off because, like, I can't drive with one eye, and I had to wear a patch.

[Brooke]

Eye patch. Yeah.

[Esther]

I had to. I still had to tape my left eye down when I sleep. It's really sad. So she had to drive me here. And I was like, oh, there's Brooke. And immediately I was like, I wonder. I had this weird thought. And when you said it, I was like, oh, there's something. There's something here. We've. There's a parallel.

[Brooke]

Connected over that.

[Kalila]

Yeah, but it was too. Sorry to cut you off. What were you gonna say?

[Brooke]

I was just gonna say, like, I don't know what I was. I never know what I'm gonna say.

[Kalila]

But I feel something weird connection with her, too, because, like, that I. That's surprising. Like, I. Maybe it's because you're just, like. When you said it was weird on your podcast, you couldn't just say, like, that you wanted to kill yourself. Like, that was surprising to me because you seem so open with all your flaws.

[Esther]

Does.

[Brooke]

I am open about it. I just feel like I. Sometimes I feel. I mean, I'm sure you guys relate to this, too, but it's just, like, awkward, like, because. Because it makes other people feel uncomfortable. Like, if, like, if I talk about, like, certain family things and stuff, like, I say it out loud, and everyone's like. So I don't say a lot of things, like, just for fear of, like, making people feel.

[Esther]

That's literally me. So I say the most atrocious things, like, about my family doctor, like, fisting me. Not. Well, not fisting. Fingering.

[Kalila]

No, literally. Can I tell you, we just had one of my friends on the show and Chelsea. Pretty. And she was, like, making fun of me because I go to pelvic floor physical therapy, and she's like, oh, I bet the doctor's, like, just testing you, huh? Like. Like joking that the doctor was, like, assaulting me. And I'm like, three, two. And then Clyde's like, that's what my doctor just. When I was a little kid, when I was a child moving to a new country, my doctor fisted me.

[Brooke]

No, but you're making me feel better about it because I always, like, I. I hesitate always to say certain things aloud just because I'm like, this is not going to be received well.

[Kalila]

You need to spend more time on this show.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Esther]

This is your place. Because let me tell you, I now know that it's actually a sickness to be that. To talk in the way that we do, where it's like we're able to just sort of like, use our trauma as, like, disposable information we have. There's a distance between telling it in that way and actually feeling.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Esther]

So saying it out loud to people in a jovial way, in like a comedic way way is a way for us not to feel it is what my therapist tells me.

[Brooke]

That's what I do with, like, my grandma thing. I'll always be like, yeah, she forgot me. And it's like, funny until I, like, actually think about it and I'm like, oh, yeah, not funny.

[Esther]

It's just placing distance. It's not funny at all. You go home and cry.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Esther]

In your own time. And then you get a Bengal cat at the Grove.

[Brooke]

That's exactly, literally the exact progression of events.

[Esther]

It's because it's always like that. You end up with an animal and you're like, oh. Because, I mean, Esther knows, like, I foster ravens. If I'm having a bad day, I'll end up somehow with, like, feeding a crow somewhere. And that's usually how it starts. It's like, I address the trauma and now I have a brand new animal that the.

[Kalila]

The most fucked up women, those are the ones that will rescue the most animals.

[Esther]

100%.

[Kalila]

The pipeline is so accurate.

[Esther]

We should have Whitney back on.

[Kalila]

Whitney and Miranda.

[Brooke]

You knew I was about to say that. You're talking Whitney Cummings.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

I was literally just thinking that, like, how she's like, she's. She can walk outside and a bird will just land in her hand.

[Kalila]

That's her too.

[Esther]

That's me. That's me.

[Brooke]

See that? To me, there probably is. I went on her podcast and, like, we got in a lot of trouble for. It was, like, really interesting.

[Kalila]

Why?

[Brooke]

Because, like, I don't know, everyone thought she was, like, making fun of my borderline personality disorder, but she was just asking questions about it and she ended up having to, like, delete the episode. And, like, it was like a whole thing.

[Esther]

Oh, wow.

[Brooke]

And we still, to this day, people, like, write articles about it. I'm not kidding. Like, she sent me one the other day and, like, I'm like, what do we do? So that wasn't received well.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Yeah. I want people to laugh. I want it to land. But sometimes, like, if you. Depending on your audience, sometimes I say it and everyone's like, no, okay.

[Kalila]

That makes so much sense. Why I'm like, she's the funniest person I've ever met. Like, you're so funny. Like, you fit in here so well. Like third host.

[Esther]

I'll come back anytime, anytime. Dump more trauma onto us. I promise you I'll keep a straight face. Nothing will faze me.

[Brooke]

I have so much left.

[Kalila]

I suppose you. Because, like I said, white trash. You're like, but do they do crystal meth? I'm like, let's get into that. I love it.

[Brooke]

I'm safe here. I love you guys.

[Esther]

Well, on that note, thank you so much, Brooke.

[Kalila]

I know.

[Esther]

For doing this.

[Brooke]

Thank you for having me.

[Kalila]

You are not.

[Brooke]

A lot of people will these days.

[Kalila]

Can we have a sleepover tonight? Absolutely.

[Brooke]

And I'm gonna. As soon as we wake up, I'm gonna have a sip of vodka.

[Kalila]

Thank you. Remind me of my 20s. Wow. Okay. Wait, what else? So are you on tour? Are you, by the way, like, are you a comedian? Like, is that something that you're. Isn't.

[Brooke]

I would love. That's what I want. That's like. But I've never done, like, stand up or anything. We. Our touring is, like, similar, but it's two of us, obviously. Yeah. It's like a written show, and it's very much.

[Kalila]

It's written.

[Brooke]

Yeah, it's written.

[Kalila]

What? Really?

[Brooke]

So we write. We write the show and, like, depending on, like, what's received, we'll change, like, certain stories. But we do the same show every night. Because we had 80. 80 some shows this last tour.

[Kalila]

Is it, like a live podcast?

[Brooke]

It's supposed to be, but it's not like, a genuine conversation.

[Kalila]

It's like you're telling stories.

[Brooke]

It's formatted. Like, we'll have, like, things behind us, and, like, we have. It'll change, like, slightly, but for the most part, it's always, like, the same.

[Esther]

You just did the Dolby Theater. That's incredible.

[Brooke]

We did it two times.

[Esther]

Wow.

[Brooke]

It was really.

[Kalila]

Comedy show, is what it sounds like.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

What you're doing.

[Brooke]

Yeah. Yes.

[Kalila]

It's a comedy performance.

[Brooke]

Yes. But formatted as a podcast.

[Kalila]

Yeah. Yeah. That's really cool.

[Brooke]

But we just finished our big tour, and then we're gonna probably do an international tour, like, in the start of the year. But right now we're home and I'm enjoying it.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

With my little bangle count and what? So.

[Kalila]

And then you. Is that your only podcast, the cancel podcast, or do others?

[Brooke]

I just. I just have canceled.

[Kalila]

Cool.

[Brooke]

Okay.

[Kalila]

Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

[Brooke]

She said hard out. She showed me.

[Kalila]

Well, you know, at the end of our phone calls, Kalila, where no one's speaking, and I just kind of, like, stare at you.

[Esther]

I always. I. This is what I. I never know how to end a conversation with Esther on the phone because she's just there fixing her glasses. And then she'll turn the camera to Dave, and Dave will say, hi, Kalila. I'm like, hi, Dave. Dave. And then at some point, 15 minutes after this staring contest, she's like, okay, well, then.

[Kalila]

Well, you didn't end it.

[Esther]

I didn't end it either.

[Kalila]

She makes me do it. Okay, well, I guess we'll have to go. But we love you, Brooke. Almost time, slugs. Thank you for being here. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode.

[Esther]

Bye.