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You're listening to the Travis Makes Money podcast presented by gohighlevel. Com. For a free 30 day trial of the best all in one digital marketing software tool on the planet, just go to gohighlevel.com travis hello friends. Welcome back to the show. Today we're going to be talking about Rat park, what insight it gives into loneliness. And we're going to talk about a conversation on friendship between Trevor Noah and Simon Sinek. And then we're going to talk about, about a few ways about being a better friend. Okay, I just wanna start this off by saying, sorry. Some of my close friends and family, for a while there, I was chasing business, I was chasing success. And for a little while afterwards, I was also struggling. My business was very stressful at the time. My marriage was challenging at times. My kids have been frustrating at times. My podcast's been up and down. Had some scary health stuff happen in the last few years. And I, because I didn't, here's the thing, I didn't want to be a bother. You know, I didn't, I didn't want, I didn't want to be a burden to my friends or my close family members. And this is maybe, maybe a broader topic about maybe masculinity to some degree, because especially in the circles I grew up in, it was sort of taught that, you know, men just kind of shove stuff down and keep worrying about everything themselves and they take on the burdens of everybody around them and then they stay strong and have the fortitude to hold everybody's, you know, issues and, and just keep moving forward. And although I find that there is some value in that, I do also believe that if you do it to an extreme degree, that you will only further socially isolate yourself. And that is what, that's what I was doing for quite some time, to be honest. I, I failed at being a good friend in an effort to be a good friend. I thought that being a good friend in that scenario was just let me figure my shit out. I don't want to burden any of my friends or family members with my issues. I'll deal with them myself. It's not that big of a deal. And I stole the opportunity for friendship from people who were close to me, who would have been more than happy, eager and willing to help and be a friend during that time. And I took that opportunity from them. I wanted to apologize to some of my friends because this, the, the, the whole idea about friendship, people, you know, ask all the time now like, how do you, how do you go make friends? How do you be a better friend? And one of the, one of the things that I came up, one of the things that I saw about this was about Simon Sinek's new, new obsession. And I, I like following people like Simon Sinek because he's always thinking about big ideas. He's not just, you know, some sort of prosperity gospel type of a guy. He's looking at data, he's looking at numbers. He's talking to some of, you know, most well known leaders and most influential people and he thinks about big ideas. And he literally, in this conversation with Trevor Noah said, my new obsession is friendship is thinking about friendship. And he said, he said this one thing that I've thought about a lot since then. He said friendship is the ultimate biohack that literally fixes everything. It is the one thing that nobody talks about yet is the one thing that probably has a higher indicator of our overall health, happiness and longevity than any individual visual thing. And he in that conversation talked about, the reason I started this with an apology is that in that conversation with Trevor Noah, he talked about friendship by being a good friend. And what does it mean to be a good friend and if you want more friends. And it sort of goes back to the biblical principle even of a man that hath friends must show himself friendly. Meaning that the best way to build better friendships is probably to be a better friend first is to lead the way in terms of friendship and, and way that I was previously thinking and the way that I think a lot of people think is what I was thinking before, where it's like I'm going to be a good friend, meaning that I'm going to be there for my friends when they need me type of a thing. And if I need them, I don't want to vocalize that because I don't want to be a burden on them and I don't want to, you know, throw a hiccup in their life. And look, to be clear about this, there is a version where you take this too far, where you just become the squeaky wheel of the friend group, where you're just constantly complaining, complaining, constantly whining, constantly talking about all the terrible things that are happening in your life. Like, there's a line here where you cross over from being a good friend and giving your friends an opportunity to help you out, which is what they want to do to strengthen their connection to you. There's a version of this where you take that too far and then you start further isolating yourself because you are just. You're the Debbie Downer of the group and nobody really wants to hang out with you that much because every time they see you, there's always something you're talking about. And it was funny because I saw this happen in real time recently with somebody in. In our lives. It was a team member at one of our businesses of employee of ours. And my wife was telling me how this person, every time, every time she sees them, they're saying something about how their day is bad or something about how overwhelmed they are, or there's always something that they're complaining about. And I walked into the store the other day just to grab something really quick, and same person was there and something really small had happened. And her first words to me were, and by the way, I don't really interact with the team members there a lot. My wife does the majority of the work on that business. And so this is one of the first times I ever talked to this person. And they mentioned one thing that had gone not according to plan that day. It was not even a big thing, guys. It was literally not something that would have. Like, I would. I would look at that event and go, like, ah, that's kind of funny. Like, it was not even. It didn't register in my brain as something that was potentially bad. And then, you know, this person's exact words were, it is just not my day. And it was like, it immediately clicked. And I was like, oh, you're the person that my wife was telling me about that constant. Like, every day is not your day. If every day is not your day, then it's probably not a fact. It's probably not a, like a truth, like an objective truth. It's probably because you're looking for all the reasons why it's an overwhelming day or why it's a bad day or why it's not your day. And if that's the version of friendship that you're doing, that could be detrimental in the opposite direction. Right? There's two extremes of this where I was on the I never share anything side. You can be on the side where it's just you are constantly whining and complaining and that's not a good way to be a good friend either. However, as usual, it's usually some sort of meeting in the middle and I was somebody who needed to hear that. And one of the things that Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah addressed in this conversation was this exact thing Simon was saying, that being a good friend does not necessarily mean just being there when your friends need you. It's also giving them the opportunity to be a good friend to you when you need them. And if you think about it from the perspective of your stealing their blessing type of a thing, it reframes the conversation a little bit in your mind and makes you go, you know what? These are my closest friends. These are the people who are, who care about me the most in this world. Why am I robbing them of the. Of the blessing? The opportunity to be a good friend to me at a time in my life where I really, really needed that, that reassurance, where I really needed that support. And if you are not willing to put yourself in those positions, then you're being a bad friend, full stop. If you are being like I was being and you're too careful about the things that you share with your friends because you don't want to overwhelm them and you don't want to frustrate them and you don't want to, you know, be the, be the bad news bearer of the day. If you don't allow them to step into your life in that way, then you are only further isolating yourself from the friend group and are less likely to be connected and feel belonging to that group of people, which is ultimately robbing you and robbing your friends of a strong. A strong friendship. So friendship is the ultimate biohack that literally fixes everything, even when it comes to addiction. This is true. And they go on in this conversation to reference an experiment done by Dr. Bruce Alexander in the 1970s. So this is what Rat park is that I was referring to.
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Beginning of this episode, Alexander's experiments in the 1970s have come to be called rat park. Researchers had already proved that when rats were placed in a cage all alone, with no other community of rats, and offered two water bottles, one filled with water and the other with heroin or cocaine, the rats would repetitive, repetitively drink from the drug laced bottles until they all overdosed and died. Like pigeons pressing a pleasure lever, they were relentless until their bodies and brains were overcome and they died. But Alexander wondered, is this about the drug or might it be related to the setting that they were in? So to test his hypothesis, he put rats in rat parks where they were among others and free to roam and play, to socialize, to have sex. And they were given the same access to the same two types of drug laced bottles. When inhabiting a rat park, they remarkably preferred the plain water Even when they did imbibe from the drug filled bottle. They did so intermittently, not obsessively, and never overdosed. Or a social community literally beat the power of drugs. It's crazy to me to read this because you read the first, the first iteration of this, and it went from always, which is pretty rare, at least from the amount of studies that I've seen. It's pretty rare for something to be like an always. Like every single time we did this, the same result ended up happening over and over and over again. And then on the opposite side, once they introduced community, it went from always to never. It wasn't like, oh, well, there's a few rats who still chose to, to drink from this water, the drug laced water. Or there was, there was, there were these rats who. These are just the bad rats, you know what I mean? Like, these are the ones who just could not get over their drug addiction. And, and even with all their friends there, they just decided that, hey, drugs is my thing and I'm going to do this anyway. It went from always to never with one simple condition change, which is a social community around them. So maybe the thing that we should be teaching our kids is how to be a good friend. And that line is the thing that hit me like a ton of bricks. It's not just about going and collecting contacts in your phone. It's about building true friendships. We all obsess over the things we want, we all obsess over how tos, but sometimes we're searching for the wrong keyword. I had a conversation with a friend of mine, Jimmy Rex, and he mentioned something similar to this. He said something along the lines of, whatever you're searching for, be that thing, Whatever you know you're searching for, how to find friends, maybe be a better friend. So stop asking Google how to make friends and start asking how do I become a great friend? So in an effort to help the conversation, help make the conversation more about that, let's chat about a few ways that all of us can be better friends. First off, facilitate experiences ripe from memories. There's a great quote that says you can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. And I'll give you a second to think about who might've said that as I drink some more coffee. You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. Plato said that. Plato. This is, this is wisdom from like over 2000 years ago that we're just rediscovering now. It's like, man, it's almost like there's nothing new under the sun. Facilitate experiences right from memories. And this is, this is especially true for men. There's plenty of studies that suggest that women strengthen connections and friendships through conversation, and men strengthen relationships more through play, through activity. And again, a lot of this stuff stems back from, from our biological history. You know, humans have been around for an estimated hundred thousand years. We've only been civilized for a couple thousand of those years. You know what I mean? This is all relatively new in terms of our species. And so our biological hardwiring, like, we can't, we can't fight the, the hard wiring of our brains. The, the, the animalistic part of our brains. And just traditionally, that's how relationships are formed for men. Men would go out in groups and they would hunt for a meal for the entire tribe. Women were back in the, you know, the, the camp, and they were communicating with each other and raising the kids and preparing meals and, and talking to each other. And so instead of fighting back against that and being like, well, men should be able to form relationships this way or women should be able to form relationships this way. It's like, okay, well, that's fine. Like, you. It's not. I'm not. Like, I'm saying that conversations are useless for men or that activity is useless for women. It's just that. It's just that lean into the thing that's probably more likely to work for you. Which is why, which is why stuff like golf is something that a lot of dudes do. You know what I mean? Like, most guys that go play golf have no business playing golf. Me being included, by the way. Like, I'm not, I'm not pointing the finger at other people. Here I'm saying for me, it's the same way. Like the reason that I go golfing is not so that I can join, you know, the amateur tour anytime soon. It's because it's one of the best ways for me to hang out with my friends. It's because we can do a shared activity. We can talk a bunch of, we can drink a few beers. We can laugh and say stupid stuff and be kids again. And men especially need that, that, that experience that allows you to be able to create memories. So facilitate experiences right from memories. Do it without the expectation of receiving anything in return. And I try to make, I try to practice what I preach as much as I can.
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this is one reason why when I was throwing events for my business at the time Build you'd network I was totally anti the regular way of doing things. Most people in this context, when they're doing, you know, seminar type businesses, it's like they just go to the same circuit that everybody else goes. They're renting the same random hotel, you know, ballroom for the event. They, they fill it with stuffy speakers for 12 hours a day and they go two, three days. I wanted to do something different. So the live event that I threw, we did it at Topgolf. Our lunches were not 20 minutes where you run out the door, find the nearest place to grab a burrito and then wait in line and then eat your way back into the ballroom to sit down for more lectures. We did it at top golf so that on the lunch break we took two hours for each lunch break and we, and we rented golf bays so people could golf together, eat together, have fun together, build real relationships together. We did things like an escape room for VIP pass holders where we took them to the saw escape room and we had them go through and solve puzzles together and build memories together. And then we did a retreat in Thailand and we did a retreat in Bali and we did a retreat in Costa Rica and in Breckenridge, Colorado, Dorado. To bring people together and connect around more than just what's your business card? What do you do for a living? It's like these are not the building blocks of genuine relationships. You have to create experiences. Experiences are what create memories. And memories is really the only thing that we have that allows us to build continuous relationships, because memories are what allow us to build that trust over time. So facilitate experiences ripe for memories. Now we're going to save a couple of these for the next episode because we're just getting into some of the good stuff here. So I'm gonna go ahead and cut it off right here. If you're tuning in, just be sure to tune into the next episode so you can hear about some of the other ways that you can potentially be a better friend and build a stronger network yourself. Thanks for tuning in. Remember, as always, travischappell on Instagram tag me, upload this episode or shoot me a dm. Let me know about a question that you have or something we might talk about in a future episode. But thanks for tuning in. We'll catch you guys next time. Peace. Lifelock how can I help?
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