A (9:16)
You can again, not much of a chance to control the frame. You run into somebody at the airport or something, but other Than that you try to control the frame as much you can. So I'll give you just a specific example here on this one. I. When I first got started in the space, I remember I was at an event that a mentor of mine was speaking at, and I. He invited me to the event to help him sell some of his products at his booth in the back. So basically, I think. I think what it was is he was friends with the event organizer, but they weren't paying him to speak. So because they weren't paying him to speak, they allowed him to sell a bunch of his, like, merch and stuff like that in the, sort of the lobby area. And so I volunteered to sell a bunch of stuff for him, mainly because I just wanted to go get around him, build a better relationship and add value in whatever way that I possibly could. Which at that time meant volunteering three days of time to go work an event for free. And while I was at that event, I remember this guy got recognized for being the top affiliate for the event. And I remember watching that from the back of the. Of the back of the. The event venue and thinking, that can't be that difficult. I'm going to do that and I'm going to be back next year and I'm going to. I'm going to win that. And so I ended up winning. I have two, two years in a row I ended up winning. But the reason that I wanted to win it was not for, like, the trophy that they gave me. It was because if you became the top affiliate, top ambassador for the event, then you got a backstage pass for the remainder of the event. And so two years in a row, I got to be backstage meeting all of the speakers that were coming through the event, some of whom I had a relationship with. And so it was. It was easier for me to talk to this person who I knew, and then this person would up who's also speaking at the event. And then it was like, oh, this person, Meet this person. And then they would introduce me to them. So this is what I mean by controlling the frame. The reason it became so important to me, and I worked really hard to sell a bunch of tickets to somebody's event that I got paid next to nothing for the re. Like, I didn't do it because of the affiliate commissions, and I didn't do it because I just really wanted to sell this event out. It was that it gave me a strategic advantage to connect with a bunch of people because I could control the frame of the connection. Now I'm not Just a random person in the audience that's coming up to them at the step and repeat, taking a picture and talking to them for 30 seconds in a line of, you know, 75 people. Now I'm backstage at the event that they're speaking at and the only other people that are back there are the event organizers and other speakers of at the event and then me. So it was an initial conversation of like, well, who is this guy? What is it? And so. So actually one of my good friends who actually ended up passing recently. Rest in peace, Steve, Steve Sims. He. He came up to me at, at the, in backstage at this event and we built a great relationship. It lasts for. For a really long time as somebody I looked at as a big mentor of mine. But I remember he came up to me because I was talking to one of the other influential speakers at that event who I had already built a connection with because of my podcast. And we, we had done a podcast swap. He was speaking at the event, I was talking to him. We were just kind of cutting up and like laughing, having a good time. And Steve comes up to me and was just like, hey, I wanted to introduce myself because it seems like, it seems like everybody back here just likes you. And he's like, you, you, you seem, you seem to have like a good, you know, energy about you, a good relationship with those people, which if you know, Steve is sort of like anti Steve energy. Like, Steve's not, Steve's not like a woo woo, you know, energy reader type of a guy. But. But he was basically just saying like, you seem like a likable person because these other people who I also know, like trust, respect and am friends with, are like seemingly friends with you. And I don't really know you, so maybe I should know you. And so we start, you know, having conversations. And that happened with multiple people backstage at this event. So I did it again for the second year and then the second year I actually recommended a speaker who is a friend of mine that I built off relationship from the podcast. And then I sort of. So I was backstage because I was top affiliate and then they had like a super VIP secret experience event, you know, like a dinner one night for, for like VIP ticket holders or inner circle ticket holders, which like general admission was like 300 bucks, VIP was 800 bucks, and inner circle was like 3500 bucks because they basically just had a, you know, really small room with all of the speakers at the event and like, you know, two dozen other people who paid the 3,500 bucks to be there. And I got invited to that because now I was backstage because of all these other things. And then I got to know the event organizers, and I got to know this other person of value, and I introduced that person to the event organizers. They hired her to speak. And then because they hired her to speak, speak, and because she liked me and trusted me more than anybody else at that event, she brought me along with her to all these other things. So then I'm into this other room where now I meet some other people. So I guess my, my, my whole point of bringing that up is like the frame, the, the frame of meeting these people backstage was so much more powerful than just being another person in the audience. And then the frame of being introduced to those people from somebody that I already knew, that I already knew from my podcast who had good things to say about me, that was another, another powerful frame to meet another person from. And so it, it's, it's, it works wonders when you go from, you know, meeting somebody in the line at Starbucks to, to now I'm backstage and another authoritative, credible person is introducing me to that person. So control the frame as, as long as it's within your ability to control. And I had, I, I had this happen recently with a client of mine, and we're having the fan versus peer conversation. I was just like, look, when you are talking to anybody who's highly influential, somebody who has a lot of demands on their time, they're either famous or they're well known within the niche that they're in, or they're an author. Like they, they have done something well, when you're having that conversation, you are telling them whether or not to put you in the fan bucket or to put you in the peer bucket. And it is possible to be both. By the way, a lot of my friends I'm big fans of, but they're also peers of mine because we've built actual friendships and relationships at this point. So the fan bucket looks like somebody who goes up to them at the step and repeat after they're done speaking to say like, oh my gosh, your talk was so amazing. I've read all your books, I listen to all your podcasts. It's so good. And they like, they, they, they vomit their admiration for this person because they think that's going to establish a great connection when it's really basically just the same thing that's been said from the previous 30 people that they spoke to in line. And so there's no way for them to remember that interaction action. So if you come across with this peer attitude, which again, being backstage and being introduced by another peer is like, now I'm in the peer bucket, not the fan bucket, even though I might be a fan. And so this happened with, with a client recently where I was coaching her on, on connecting, on networking, essentially on how to have, how to, how to meet and sustain high valuable people as relationships in your life. And she, she had sent a pitch, like a cold video pitch, which was one of the things I was helping her through. And she sent it over to me to critique and basically say, hey, check this out before I send it to this person. And I first of all love that she took the action to actually send the video like I had told her to. But as soon as, as soon as she started talking on the video, the very first thing that I thought was like, you're immediately a fan. You've auto. You've automatically put yourself in the fan bucket. And it's a difficult line to ride because you want to give them the idea that, like, hey, I know your Stu. I've read your book. It was impactful to me. This one piece was extremely valuable and I appreciate you for taking the time to distill that and give that information out into the world. So you want to, like, give that, you know, perception across, but without coming, but without being like this. Oh my gosh, it would be, it would be the most amazing thing if you would just get back to me, like, just to hear your voice and if you just like this message or see it, that would mean the world to me, like, to come across with that type of energy. You're immediately just telling them, put me in the fan bucket and never treat me like a peer. So try to avoid that as much as possible. So I sent, sent the message back to her just like, hey, video's good, energy's good, but you, you sound way too much like a fan. So let's trim that part down. Let's take down the, the, you know, high fangirl type energy and come across a little bit more authoritative. Still give a compliment because you respect this person and you like their content. Obviously you wouldn't be reaching out to them to be a guest on your podcast, but let's take the, the fandom down, you know, a little bit. And she ended up getting the yes. She. She sent it over and she reached out to me a week or two later to say that he ended up saying yes and he's coming to my show now. And it was like her dream guest for her podcast. So you cannot, you, you cannot put yourself into the fan bucket. You want to try to be the peer. So that's, that's kind of what I mean by the frame is you got to control the frame through which the introduction to you is made, as much as it's within your ability to control. So number one, preparation. Number two, frame number three, conversation. Once you get into the actual conversation, whether it's backstage, whether it is at the step and repeat, or whether it's after the event or wherever, you end up getting to meet this person or talk to this person, listen more than you talk. Stop word vomiting on these people, man. Like you, you got to think about, especially in these, in these contexts of being at an event, they're being hit up by so many people. Like everybody's coming to them, talking to them. If they just got off stage, everybody's gonna want some of their time, so everybody just starts vomiting. All I get the idea is that you're trying to make an impact, so you're trying to say something that's gonna, that's gonna massively impact them. And in reality, if you would just listen more than you talked and ask a couple good questions, you're much more likely to be remembered at that point than somebody else who just came in, word vomited and tried to go through a list of bulleted items and points as to why they're worthy of being connected with. And I watched this play out actually at that same event, the one I referenced earlier, where I was there with my, a mentor of mine. I was working the booth for him, and so I watched people, you know, I was actively selling his stuff for him. But then sometimes he would come to the booth and especially after his, his spot on stage, when, after he spoke, he came to the booth and he was talking to people, he was signing books and, you know, stuff like that. And I just remember watching just person after person after person come up and talk to him in this line that was forming at the booth and, and just the most egregious word vomiting storms you can imagine where people are just posturing their positioning. They're trying to make it seem like they're a badass. And they're, they're, they're talking about all the things, amazing things that they've done. And then I'm watching the, my mentor, the person that I'm there with, who everybody's trying to connect with and get some time from and make an impact on, and he's just standing there for three minutes of silence. Just kind of like shaking his head and being like, like, wow, great. Okay, cool. Thanks for coming up. See you later. And then he'd just kick him out of line and talk to the next person, because you can't just talk for forever when there's a. When there's a line behind him. And I just watched people fumble so many times where I was like, I am not going to do that. When I get the opportunity to connect with somebody that I want to connect with, I am going to ask the best questions that I possibly can and then just shut up, up and. And just listen. Let them talk. Let them. Let them give some sort of information or give some wisdom or, like, let me glean something from this interaction rather than trying to make it seem like I'm awesome and that you should connect with me. And counterintuitively, what happens is they remember those interactions more because they felt like they genuinely could have an impact on me. Like, they felt like I was genuinely somebody who was willing to listen and learn, rather than somebody who is being like, I have nothing to learn from you. We're actually same. And in fact, I'm better than you, really, if you think about it, you know, like, that's the perception that people are trying to give off on that in that frame. And I'm over here just trying to be a sponge, and I just want to learn as much as I can. And those interactions will give you much more of an ability to make an impact. Because what happens is when I ask a question. Now we're into the conversation part, right? So the conversation part. Now I can start searching for commonalities that we have, like, other core commonalities qualities, because the more ties you can gain with the person, the more likely they are to become a friend of yours. Meaning that, like, okay, we met at a business conference, so that. So we know that we're both interested in at least this one thing, right? So you're interested in business, I'm interested in business. That's great. But if we have another thing that we have in common, like eating healthy or going to the gym or biohacking or something like that, and we have another thing in common, like we both have a podcast. We have another thing in common. Like we both have kids, we have another thing in common, like we both both are fans of the same sports team or something like that, those. Those things, those ties start to glue the connection a little bit more in a more solidified way where it's not just one string that's holding us together, but it's sort of like becoming this rope of, of multiple strings woven together as a bunch of different connection points that are allowing me then to be able to.
