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- [00:01]
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- [00:30]
Travis Chappell
You're listening to the Travis Makes Money podcast presented by gohighlevel.com for a free 30 day trial of the best all in one digital marketing software tool on the planet, just go to gohighlevel.com Travis what is the antidote to loneliness? Welcome back to the show. I'm Travis Chappell, your host. And on these episodes, just me, you and the mic. These are basically just lessons that I've taken away from all of the work that I've done in the personal development space over the last almost decade of my life, all the interviews that I've, that I've conducted with some of the world's most successful people, but also the hundreds of books that I've consumed and I don't even know, I mean, hundreds, maybe probably thousands of hours of podcasts. And so these episodes are basically just here's a bunch of stuff that I've learned. Hopefully it's helpful to you. And today we're talking a little bit more about loneliness because that's what we talked about a lot here on the show. And then also on my other show, Travis Makes Friends. So if I were to pose the question to you, what is the antidote to loneliness? You probably assume something like, you know, community events, concerts, shows, something like that. And while some of that is actually really helpful, the problem is that we have not properly defined the terms. So if you have not listened to this on the previous episode, there are two sort of definitions for this. One of them is loneliness. The other one is social isolation. The solutions that we just mentioned are more solutions to the social isolation piece, which is an objective measurement of how much time you're spending with other people. But it is not as much of a of a solution for the loneliness side, which is more of a subjective internal feeling of not belonging to a community or group. So research for the loneliness side, because this is more, a little bit more difficult to solve, right? Because you Know, somebody could have all these feelings of loneliness, even though they seemingly are somebody who's really connected to a lot of people, they're seemingly ingratiated in a great friend group and they have a wonderful support group. They have family and friends who love them, but they still on the inside, feel lonely. So research, research actually shows that the true antidote to loneliness, because it is subjective internal state, is aloneness. So antidote to loneliness, being aloneness. It's ironic that the cure to loneliness is actually being alone, but it seems to me that that's the case and that's probably the biggest thing that I've realized that is escaping the majority of the solutions that people are offering, at least front facing. You know, most people are talking about like, oh, go make better friends. And you know, it's about proximity and it's about duration and it's about all these. And it's like, look, all those things are great and they are helpful, but not necessarily for this loneliness piece. And I think that the ultimate cure to loneliness is actually being alone, which sounds weird. When we know ourselves, we are better qualified to get to know others. Even Henry David Thoreau said, I never found the companion that was so companion. Let me say that again. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. And then more than a century later, Wendell Berry said, in the wild places where one is without human obligation, one's inner voices become audible. The more coherent one becomes with oneself as a creature, the more fully one enters into the communion of all creatures. So the first time someone suggested that I spend an entire evening alone, I thought they were crazy. I thought they were insane. You know, you may as well have just told me to run a ultra marathon or, you know, watch all of Grey's Anatomy or something like that. Like, there's just no way that was going to happen. Now at this point in my life, I can't imagine never having any time alone. I actually find myself craving time alone. When I do get to spend time by myself, I find myself enjoying that time. And sometimes that means like if I'm out traveling somewhere, I take myself to dinner. And before I always looked at it as like, look at those losers by themselves with nobody to hang out with, you know what I mean? But now it's like a, it's a very enjoyable experience to take myself out to dinner and grab some food and just sit there alone with my thoughts or put on a podcast and listen to something or write some notes or do some journaling or something like that. I actually enjoy Spending time. Spending time with myself. So here are my guidelines for aloneness or solitude. All right, first off, this episode of the show is brought to you by Mars Men. So look guys, I don't know if everybody listening knows this, but a couple years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. And around that time I also noticed that my testosterone levels were dropping like crazy. And I know that some of it was due to the fact that my body was sort of in disarray. But then I also learned through this experience that most men start losing testosterone levels around the age of 30. And then it starts just getting worse and worse after that. About 1% every year after that. So what I learned during this is that basically your body makes testosterone, but a lot of it gets locked up and can't be used. So there's this protein called SHBG that basically handcuffs your testosterone. So even if your body's making testosterone, S H G S H B G locks it up so you can't access it. It's like having money in the bank, but your debit card doesn't work. So Mars Men is designed to help free locked testosterone so your body can actually use it. No synthetics, no need. 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- [07:05]
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- [07:23]
Travis Chappell
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- [07:55]
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- [08:02]
Travis Chappell
Find what works for you in in the world we live in today, there are just way too many people who are concerned with, you know, having the sexiest hook on their content and not concerned with the false information they might be giving. So my advice, if someone is preaching one way like it's the gospel, it's probably not true. And they're probably selling something right? Nutrition is probably the biggest culprit here. Self proclaimed experts will talk ad nauseam about keto or vegan or carnivore and how everybody should do this one thing. But at the end of the day, the nutrition advice that I find that I follow is basically personalized because it has to be something that works for you, something that you can stick to that works. The best plan is the one that you'll actually follow long term. And it's the same for solitude. So find what works for you. Some people is going to tell you that it's all about meditation. Some people will tell you to go for a walk. Some people tell you to write AFFIRMATIONS or to journal about gratitude. And any and all of those are fantastic potential tools for you. But if you try to force yourself to do something that doesn't feel natural to you, it doesn't feel like something that you're going to be able to continue to repeat over a long enough, you know, timeframe, then you're probably less likely to continue doing that thing and it's probably not going to work for you. So for me, I like solitude in movement and in nature. So going for a walk, a hike, going for a, a drive, something like that. It's the time where I enjoy being with myself and my thoughts. And for whatever reason, I really like the movement piece. In fact, I have a friend, his name is Sharon Srivatsa. He's the. Actually, he's now the CEO. They just made him the CEO of acquisition.com, which is Alex and Layla Hermosi's company. I remember one time we were talking and he told me that sometimes he will buy a flight. So he's like in the LA area. He'll buy a flight, like a quick flight, like LA to Phoenix or LA to Vegas or something like that. And, and he just buys a, a round trip ticket for one day, has no intention of staying there. He'll just fly there in, you know, the morning, fly back in the afternoon. But it's literally only for the purpose of just getting by himself and being able to write and move at the same time. The movement of being in the plane and then the activity of writing is what allows him to be able to be alone with his thoughts and, and just think more clearly and spend time with himself. So whether it's buying a flight for yourself or it's going on a walk and dictating notes to your. So you can remember stuff for later that you can digest and then write down a little bit more later, find what works for you. There's no one size fits all diet here. These are just the things that I found that work for me and some things that have worked for people that I know. Number two, do not allow distractions. Okay? So you can't use this as an excuse to just like, go get yourself a hotel room for the night and binge watch Netflix or something like that, or even read a book, you know, like. And that might be a part of the overall experience of just something that you enjoy that's enriching to you, but you can't, you can't escape into distraction. Is the point, the point of, of this aloneness concept is to be alone with Yourself, your thoughts in your mind and to not go crazy. You know, that, that, that was, that was why I was so. I had such a big objection to it when it was first mentioned to me. It was like, it was a mentor of mine. I was in my early 20s and he was like, I was clearly struggling. I forget exactly the context, but I was clearly struggling with the big decision that I was coming to. And he was like, do you ever, you ever just spend an entire evening alone with no distractions, no music, no po, no books, no tv, just you? And I was like, no, that's the behavior of a crazy person, bro. Like, what are you talking about? No, I have not done that. But that is where the magic happens. Because chances are, if you feel like you cannot allow yourself to be alone, then it means that there's probably something in your mind that you are subconsciously or consciously trying to avoid resolving there. There's maybe a behavior that you're exhibiting that you know is wrong, that you know is bad. And if you get along with your thoughts, you start tearing yourself up about it. You start feeling a guilt, or you start feeling shame, or you start feeling a way that you don't want to feel. So you introduce distractions into your life to avoid your own connection to your deeper higher self, which is probably the thing that's causing you to feel those feelings of loneliness. Because you can be surrounded by people. But if you don't like you, if you don't like spending time with you, if you don't respect yourself, if have self esteem, then you're going to feel lonely regardless of how many people are surrounding you or, and this is why we see so many. You know, I just watched that documentary, the Inside the Manosphere, and I think this is why we see so many young men that are getting sucked into this red pill culture. Because they, they, they want the community and the connection that, that they don't have. And they view the, the cars, the girls, the watches, the money in their bank account. They view that, that as the method by which they're going to fill their lives with a bunch of other people. And it works, right? It works like you go make a bunch of money, you drive a nice car, you live in the penthouse, and you have beautiful girls around you, and you're a young man. Like you will get surrounded by a bunch of people. However, the question becomes, are those the people that you really want to surround yourself with? Because as soon as you go through a hard time, as soon as you have your first big loss in business, or you lose a bunch of money or your car gets repoed. Those people are gonna leave as fast as they came into your life because that's, that's not built on anything real, which is only going to further drive you into more isolation and stir up those feelings of loneliness even more. So if you have anything with you when you're practicing this isolation, maybe it's just something to record your thoughts with. One of the sponsors of the show in the past was a company called Plod AI and it's like a little device that I can put on the back of my phone. You hit a little button on it, it records everything that you say, and then you go app later and it transcribes everything using AI and basically gives you a synopsis of all the thoughts that you had while you were dictating these things to this little device. But I like that little device because it. It. There's nothing. You know, if you just record on your phone, you could probably get distracted by all of the potential things that you can do on your phone. But if you have something like this, like a recorder or, or a device like the Plod AI tool that, that I've used in the past, then that can be something that eliminates distraction but still allows you to get your thoughts on out. So maybe bring something like that if you like to dictate. But if you like to write, bring. Bring a journal and a pen. Try not to bring a laptop or an iPad. Again, there's so many distractions that can be on there that will just pull you down deep into a rabbit hole. Or. Or you'd start going like, my day kicks off with a refreshing Celsius energy drink. Then straight to the gym, pre K pickup back home to meal prep time for my fire station shift.
- [14:54]
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- [14:55]
Travis Chappell
Got to keep the lights on when the three alarm hits. I'm ready. Celsius Live Fit. Go grab a cold refreshing Celsius at your local retailer or locate now@celsius.com
- [15:08]
Ad Voice
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- [15:36]
Travis Chappell
Oh, I forgot to answer all my emails. Let me just do that real quick. And so you end up not spending any time alone. So if you bring anything, try to make it something physical, like a journal with like actual paper and a real pen to write down on or like a little device that records if you like, if you'd prefer to speak your thoughts rather than write your thoughts. So, so the rule, the hard and fast rule is no consumption allowed during this time. Only creation is allowed. Only ideation is allowed. Only thoughts are allowed during this time. No, no consumption of anything external. So that's. Secondly, do not allow distractions. So find what works for you. Do not allow distractions. Third, engage in the discomfort. Engage in the discomfort. I mean, this is true across anything meaningful. And anything meaningful in life is going to come with a level of discomfort. And probably the degree to which you are uncomfortable. Comfortable is also the degree to which it will be helpful in your life. Meaning the more uncomfortable it is, the more likely the result is going to be better in your life. So engage in the discomfort. If you've never done this before, you might feel really anxious, you might feel really uncomfortable. And that's okay. That's part of the process. So, so allow yourself to start where you are. If you've never done this before, it's probably a bad idea to just like, I've never spent an evening alone with myself, but I'm gonna go do this five day darkness isolation retreat. You know, like this is something that people can actually do right now. My had friends who've actually done this where you can go to a retreat center and basically get locked into a room for five days where the lights are completely dark. Like there's complete darkness, complete isolation for five full days. Some of them have the option to basically fast the whole time. Some of them have the option to have like a smoothie delivered to your door once a day or something. So it's like if you've never done this before, maybe not a great idea to basically put yourself into this situation where you don't have any practice or any skill of being by yourself because it is a skill that you have to sharpen, which is why you know, the solitary confinement exists as a punishment in the prison system because they punish people by making them be by themselves. And if you are not well practiced at this, then that can feel extremely overwhelming and very scary. And you could go to some really dark places really soon. So allow yourself to start where you are. Engage in the discomfort. If you're feeling anxious, you're feeling uncomfortable, that's okay. It's all part of the process. It also means that you may have some things to work through which are causing you to feel this loneliness or this anxiety or this stress when you get by yourself. And so that, that's an indicator that you're probably doing the right thing. If this is something that makes you extremely uncomfortable. The loneliest existence you can have is to not have a good relationship with yourself. Because you're the only person who has to spend every second of every day for the rest of your life with you. The closest person to you in your life will spend a fraction of of the time that you are going to spend with you. So you gotta get comfortable being by yourself. Engage in the discomfort number four. Ask yourself questions, examine your thoughts, examine your feelings, your emotions when you're alone and start to interrogate yourself. If, if this, this, this feeling of anxiety starts coming in. Try as best as you can to pull yourself out of your body like you're a floating spirit, a third party, objective spirit, spirit scientist who is observing your emotional state in that moment and trying to reverse engineer the root cause of that. Try your best to pull yourself out of that. And if you feel these feelings of anxiety, you feel these feelings of discomfort or pain or struggle or stress or loneliness or whatever it is, try your best to not immediately try to escape it, right? So don't be drinking alcohol or smoking weed or any other drug of choice. Allow yourself to engage in that discomfort and then pull yourself out of your body, body as much as you can and try to ask yourself the questions that are going to allow you to get to the root of this problem. Why am I feeling like this? Where is this feeling come from? Is there an emotional trigger? That happened because I got by myself because there's nobody else here, because there's no distractions, because there's no vices or there's no substances that I'm allowing myself to lean on in this moment. What are the things that are causing this? Ask, ask those questions. Ask why you, you're feeling that way. If you've been acting in accordance, you know, with your internal identity, that could be a source of the anxious feeling or the loneliness that you're feeling. Maybe there's something that you're doing that you perceive as against how you've normally identified, right? So like you, you identify as a good person and you're doing something you know, consistently that, that you know in your mind is combative to the nature of what you believe a good person to be, that could be the source of that thing. So allow yourself to go there. Am I, am, am I trying to avoid this, because I know it's wrong and I know it's bad, but I don't want to stop doing it. Am I trying to avoid the reality of that? Doing something that I think I should be doing? Because all of those things go into the way that you're going to view yourself and your, you know, your subconscious mind is a supercomputer man. It can process 40, 50,000 thoughts at one time. Your conscious mind, only one. So try to locate the files that exist in the subconscious and bring them to the conscious mind so you can help. Try to tackle, you know, some of the reasons for why you're feeling the way that you're feeling. The. These are some of the questions to work through. But if you, if you never, if you never face them head on, then you're going to need distraction to pull you away from yourself, which is where. Addiction, alcohol, depression, laziness, loneliness, all those things stem from this desire to not allow yourself to be alone and work through the things that you know that you probably should be working through. So ask yourself questions and allow yourself to go there. Lastly, take action. So here's where the rubber meets the road. You gotta be willing to do something about the answers that you come up with. You have to be honest with yourself so you can be honest with those closest to you. You have to accept yourself first if you want those closest to you to accept you. You know, you have to act differently if your actions are causing you to not like yourself or to not respect yourself. So ultimately, how you view yourself will determine how others view you. It rubs off. People are intuitive. Again, we have that supercomputer subconscious mind. So if you can't trust you, then why should anybody else trust you? If you don't like you, then why should other people like you? If you don't respect you, how can you expect that others are going to teach you how to respect yourself? You must engage with this internal conflict and, and, and meet these, these realities head on. Because nobody's going to step in and do it for you. You must engage and you must act. But the good news is that if we do these things things, then you will be able to experience what true connection and true meaning is. You can, once you've connected with yourself. And by the way, if you're religious, I would put, I would put this into the category of connecting with yourself. Like to me, this is sort of one in the same. If you're not religious, it might just be connecting to you and your, your, you know, inner child or your your experience with the world. If you are religious, it might be you connecting to yourself and then you connecting with your creator. It might be you connecting with the universe, it might be you connecting with this higher power that as the way that it works through you. This is, this is one in the same. So. So the challenge for anybody listening is to schedule at least 30 minutes of alone time this week, especially if you've never done it. Like 30 minutes can feel like a long time to just sit there, like just with, with nothing else going on or, or to go for a walk by yourself with no distractions, go for a drive without turning on music. You know, it can feel sort of daunting at first. So if you're starting from scratch, scratch, 30 minutes, do not skip. Allow yourself to just be with you. Allow yourself to go to the places that you normally try to avoid. Allow yourself to engage with the things that you're normally trying to distract yourself from. And if you do this over a long enough period of time, you'll find that not only will your internal feelings of subjective loneliness start to subside. At least this was my anecdotal experience, but also your ability to connect with other people will increase dramatically because the more in tune you are with you, the more in tune your relationships with other people can be. So do not skip this. Spend some time alone and dig in. Dig in. That is it for this episode of the show. Again at Travis Chapel on Instagram. Shoot me a dm, ask me a question. We'll talk about it, tackle it in a future episode of the show. Or you can email me. Travis. Travis Chapel Doc, thanks so much again for taking the time to tune into this episode and we'll catch you guys in video the next next one. Peace. 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So what that means is it is a credit card that is backed by your own money and not only and it helps you build credit, which is something that's been around for a while, but you also get to earn rewards on that, which has not been something that has happened. And now Chime is here to bring that to you. And with qualifying direct deposits, you get 1.5% cash back on eligible Chime Time card purchases. I know my younger self would have benefited from a banking option like this just because it's so much more nimble and much, much easier. Chime is not just smarter banking. It is the most rewarding way to bank join the millions who are already banking fee free today. It just takes a few minutes to get signed up. So head over to chime.com travis that's chime.com travis Chime is a financial technology
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