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SOLO | Make Money by Taking Radical Responsibility - Lessons from my Dr. Nicole LePera interview
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Travis
I see you.
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Travis
It will be an adventure for the whole family.
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Travis
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Travis
You're listening to the Travis Makes Money podcast presented by GoHighLevel.com for a free 30 day trial of the best all in one digital marketing software tool on the planet, just go to gohighlevel.com travis what is going on everybody? Welcome back to another episode of the show. On this episode, it is just me, you and the mic and we're continuing along our series of talking about the things that I've learned from past guests on the show. Today's episode is about Dr. Nicole Lapera or at the holistic psychologist on Instagram to just to give a glimpse of what Nicole has done with her career. Her follower account on Instagram, it's one of those ones that I check every once in a while. Cause I'm just like, man, it just keeps going up and up. It's crazy. 9 million followers now on Instagram, which is wild. But she's written several New York Times bestsellers. Her, her Instagram posts are always really good, full of rich psychological data and help people figure out paths to heal them is sort of the, the mission that she's on rather than having to be in therapy sessions all the time. And she's, to be fair, she's not like talking crap about therapy. That's where she got her start. But she's just trying to like put it in more people's hands rather than leaving it up to the, the professional world. So really, really great conversationalist, has a lot of really good thoughts. And evidenced by her 9 million followers on Instagram, she's obviously putting out some stuff that resonates with some people. So a few of my lessons from spending time with Nicole. I think this is from my second conversation with her because we, we had one before. Yeah, this is the second one, how to Meet Yourself, which is the book that came out right when we were talking about this stuff. So a couple lessons from her. Number one, you are an active participant in the outcomes that you keep getting. Dr. Lapera's central argument is that most of us walk through life feeling like circumstances just happen to us. Life happens to us and it's out of our control. There's nothing we can do. But beneath every reaction, every pattern, every relationship that keeps blowing up the same exact way, there's an unconscious system that's running a story that we've accepted to be true, that we built early in life and have been reinforcing basically every day since then. So becoming aware of the role that you're playing in the self destruction, it's not necessarily about blame, it's just about getting your hands back on the wheel. It's about taking control. Which is why one of my values is take radical responsibility. Because even because it's not going to feel good at first, it threatens the ego to say, yes, this is my fault, or it is my responsibility that I am currently in the position that I'm in. Because there are potentially a lot of external factors that have gone into why you're in the position that you're in. And so it feels so much better just to point the finger and go, well, if that person didn't do this, or if I was raised with these parents instead of those parents, or if I had my dad around, or if I had these coaches or teachers tell me this instead of what they ended up telling me, it's just there's always somebody else to blame. And it feels so much better to blame everybody else than it does to take that fault on yourself. But the downside to that is like, you might feel better about blaming other people, but then it gives you no sense of control over the outcomes in your life. Then you just start buying into the story that just like, well, things happen and I just wasn't meant to be successful and that person was meant to be successful and it just removes all control over any direction in your life, which is the opposite of the position that you want to be in. If you want to affect how the next section of your life is going to go, at some point you have to take full responsibility for your participation in the things that are happening to you, even if they seem objectively like they're things that are outside of your control. The more things that you can picture coming into your control, the happier, healthier, more fulfilled you're going to be. Because then it at least gives you a playbook. At that point, then you can decide whether or not this pursuit is worthy of your attention. If you take responsibility for the outcome that you've had so far and then you go, you know, what if so you, you know, start a business, doesn't do well, okay, great. So at that point, if you don't take responsibility and you're blaming everybody else, then you're not going to be successful in the next thing that you do because there's going to be a bunch of things that happen to prevent you from being successful in the next thing. Or you take full responsibility for everything that happened in the previous thing, it doesn't feel good. You might have to go through a month or two of recovery just to get your mental health back on track because you take responsibility for a failure that affected multiple, multiple people's lives. But then when you accept that responsibility, then the next time around you can basically set up all of these guardrails to make sure that how you failed the last time isn't going to happen this time. And then you can decide whether or not that new version of building that business is something that you're willing to undertake. Because you might look at that and go, if I put in double the amount of hours, if I took double the amount of sales calls, if I was just willing to risk more money on advertising, whatever it is, you know what I mean? Then, then that probably would have better. I could have, I could have made, I could have made sure that we were not going through that financial difficulty during that time. By six months before, I could have taken the excess cash we had at that time and invested into advertising. But I didn't because I was too scarcity minded and I wanted to hold that money in case there was a, you know, bad month. But then in doing so, we ended up making sure that we had a bunch of bad months because we weren't willing to take the risk and advertise more or whatever, like whatever that thing is. But then if you accept that responsibility, do that debrief and then look at what the next venture looks like, then you can make a decision from there and go, I actually don't really want this that much. I don't want to put in twice the amount of hours that I was putting in. I don't care to do xyz. That would prevent me from having that outcome that I had previously. And so then you can adjust the path accordingly. But you're not going to be able to get to that point if you don't first take full control over the things that you can control and accept the responsibility for the outcomes or at least your participation in the outcomes that you're getting. So it's not about shifting blame, it's just about putting your hands back on the wheel and getting some version of control so you are an active participant in the outcomes that you keep getting. Number two, the body holds patterns that the mind alone cannot override this. This is the insight that changed her career, that changed her entire practice because
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Travis
co with clients week after week that had the insight, they had the plan, they knew exactly what they needed to do differently, and then still nothing changed. And this is sort of my broader problem with therapy in general. And I'm not saying that it's bad, okay? I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't go to therapy, not suggesting that at all. What I am saying is that it can become detrimental to your ability to actually change because it almost becomes like this weekly, like whining session that it just makes you sit back in a negativity and then talk through all these things. And it might feel that you might even get a hit of dopamine. Having that weekly thing and talking about it all the time and getting it out and saying things. But like, ultimately, if you're not going to do something different about it, then why are we still focusing this much time on whining and complaining about it? Like, if you're not willing to do anything differently, then I don't want to hear you whine about it is basically my my biggest gripe. It's like you can, you know, whining and complaining generally doesn't do anything for you. But especially when you've already gotten to the point that Nicole's talking about here, where it's like, okay, we've talked about this for the past year we, we talked like, you now know that you act like this because of this random circumstance that happened to you when you were a kid. You now know the plan to do things differently. You, you, you, you know exactly what should, what you should be doing. And you're still not doing any of it, but you're still showing up to talk about the fact that your parents did this thing when you were a kid that made you this way now that you're an adult and then, but you're not willing to do anything to change it. And so she realized it wasn't a knowledge problem, it was more like a nervous system issue that they're. The nervous system is wired for the familiar because that's what feels more safe, feels more secure, even if what's familiar is detrimental. That's the part that gets kind of screw. Even, even if you are knowingly engaging in self sabotage, it can feel more comfortable to continue in that cycle than it feels to do something different. Because anything different is by definition something that is uncertain. And so you'd rather exist in the certainty of continuous failure rather than get yourself out and put yourself in a position to succeed. Because whatever's outside of what you're currently experiencing is unfamiliar and uncertain. And so your, your nervous system is wired for the familiar, even when that familia is painful. So real change starts with the body, not just the mind. And they're connected. You can't remove one area of your life from the other, like your mental well being, your physical well being. If you are religious or spiritual, your spiritual well being, you can't extract different areas of your life and pretend like they don't affect the other thing. So I like the insight that a lot of the change can start in your body and not just the mind because it gives you something practical to do. I had a psychologist on recently who was just talking about when you're feeling stressed or anxious. He was saying one thing that we have people do is just like these, they're almost like micro meditations where he just says like, take 10 seconds and rub the tips of your fingers together. Your finger and your thumb, your index finger and your thumb. Just rub the tips of those fingers together. Feel like, do your best to, to close your eyes and feel the ridges in your own fingerprints and do that for 10 seconds. And just that one practice done multiple times a day. When you feel like stress levels increasing or anxiety increasing, you're in a situation that is making you uncomfortable doing something like that, it's something that you can do Physiologically that starts to affect the mind rather than putting it on the workload of the mind, which can sometimes be a little bit more abstract than practical. So I like this insight a lot because it puts some control back into your life, like taking three deep breaths or doing a quick meditation or rubbing your fingers together or going for a walk. Those things are all physical things that are in the body that can help train your mind a little bit more effectively. So the body sometimes holds patterns that the mind alone cannot override, which I thought was really cool. Insight number three. Comfort in familiar suffering is real. And this is sort of what we're talking about earlier. Comfort and familiar suffering is real. She named something that took me a while to fully accept. But people tend to stay in patterns that they hate because at least they know what to expect. There's a subconscious preference for a predictable bad outcome over an unpredictable unknown outcome. The brain would rather land in the same miserable place again than venture somewhere it we can't calculate. We are wired for certainty. We want certainty. And anything that feels uncertain, unfamiliar is by definition a threat. It feels unsafe. And so your brain is wired to just continuing, to just continue to go down these cycles of pain just because it's something that at least I know what it's going to be like when I experience that versus if I do this other thing. I don't know what that outcome's going to be, even if it ends up being a better one. So the brain would rather land in the same miserable place again than venture somewhere it can't calculate. And understanding that without judging yourself for it is the beginning of actually changing it. And there's actually something habitual. And from what I understand, and again, I'm no neuroscientist, but I've read a few books on it. And the way that I understand it is like your, your emotions can become habits. And so your, your brain has these neural pathways that are, that are easier to continue going down once you've gone down them enough. And it's sort of like forgin new path. If you imagine like, you know, there's a bunch of brush and you got a machete and you're chopping down this path. The first time you go down that path, it's going to be very difficult because there's no path there. You have to literally chop down the whole path, make some, you know, sort of a. And you got to get, go walk around this tree and you got to remove this brush here. But the second time you go through it, it'll be A little bit easier because it's a little bit chopped down from the first time you walk that path. And the third time it's a little bit easier. And then by the hundredth time, it's a clear path and it's easier to walk down then. Now you can sprint down that path and you don't have to carry a machete and it's less work to do it. And so what happens is if you are constantly, you know, anxious or stressed or, or what we would identify as, quote, unquote, negative emotions, if you find yourself constantly being like that, it's. It's not just. It doesn't just feel safer. It's also just your brain habitually going down the paths that your brain is used to going down. Which is why it's important to spend time, I think, having some sort of a gratitude practice or forcing your brain to forge paths that are in positive directions that put you in a positive place rather, and bringing you down these habitual, negative paths. So comfort in familiar suffering is real. Number four, who you think you are was created by relationships. It wasn't born into you. The habits, the defense mechanisms, the way you show up when things get hard, those typically are not your inherent personality. They're adaptations, strategies that you developed in early relationships to stay safe, to feel love, to survive whatever environment that you grew up in. So the identity that feels most you, you might actually be the thing that's holding you back the most. We are malleable people. We are adaptable people. Human beings are the ultimate adaptation machine, which is why I think it's silly. Anytime a new technology comes around that people start freaking out about it. It's like we've been. I mean, AI is a little bit more so that way because of the implications of it, because it's such a huge piece of technology. But, you know, we've. This has happened for the last 300 years of technological advancements. There's always a new technology that threatens old ways of life that people are slow to accept and overcome. From the steam engine to the diesel engine to computers and the Internet, there's always things that are threatening the current way of life that feels more certain, that feels more safe intergenerationally. But at the end of the day, we are human beings and we are adaptable and we will adapt along the way and learn how to exist in a world with this new technology and be able to use it in a way that's positive for the most part. So you are not necessarily at the mercy of things that you view as innate personality traits because some of them probably aren't even innate. They were probably, they were probably already adaptations you were forced to make as you were developing your brain because of the environment that you grew up in. So try to recognize those things so that you can shift the ones that you can shift and move the things that are within your control to move. Number five, real healing has to be holistic. Mind, body, and something beyond both. Dr. Lupera didn't start as the quote unquote holistic psychologist. She started as a traditional one who realized that the talk therapy only model wasn't producing the outcomes that her clients actually needed. So she started thinking about it from a holistic standpoint. How's your sleep? What's your nutrition, your food, your breath, your movement, nervous system regulation? They're not just soft adjuncts to mental health. They're. They're the foundation of good mental health. And foundation's broken. Then no amount of continued insight or therapy is going to fix what's built on top of a crappy foundation. And loved this insight again, because it, it is something that I, it's the pattern that I see a lot with people who swear by therapy or swear by even like doctors or MDs or whatever. It's like they're so focused on the. Well, they're the expert, so they know and then. But when the expert doesn't say anything about all these other things that are clearly affecting your physical health or your mental health, it's like, look, if, if your therapist hasn't talked to you about water or sunlight or movement or nerv system regulation or, you know, your nutrition and how those things relate to your mental health or how you're showing up in the world, Then you're just, you're missing out. You're, you're, you're missing out on the thing that could actually be the thing that moves the needle for you. You know, I think I'm, I'm just a big believer that a lot of this stuff would be cured just from walks, water, sunlight, sleep. Like, if you dial in those things, you'll notice that a lot of the mental issues that you're struggling with will start to dissipate over time. And I'm not, again, not downplaying people with real mental health disorders. I'm not suggesting that everybody needs to get off of SSRIs tomorrow. I'm not suggesting any of those, like, you know, extreme versions of this. I'm just simply suggesting that, that it's probably more within your control to fix some of these things naturally rather than relying on medication or continued therapy sessions than you think that there are. So try to engage with that as much as you can and then, you know, get the help you need. I'm again not suggesting you shouldn't go to therapy. I'm not suggesting shouldn't take SSRIs if that's what's needed. But you know, you're a holistic person, so think about it from a holistic standpoint. You cannot. You cannot extract your mental health from your physical health or some something beyond both of those things. So do your best to look at it from the holistic picture and follow at the holistic psychologist Dr. Nicole Appara online. She's got a lot of really great stuff. She's written several New York Times bestsellers. So go check out some of the stuff that she's putting out, as well as my full conversation with her, which you can find on the Travis Makes Friends podcast. But that's it for this episode of the show. Thanks so much for tuning in. We'll catch you guys next time. Peace.
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