TRIGGERnometry Podcast
Episode: How Not To Ruin Your Marriage - James Sexton (World's Leading Divorce Expert)
Date: February 22, 2026
Featuring: Hosts Francis Foster, Konstantin Kisin, and guest James Sexton

Episode Overview

In this insightful episode, divorce lawyer James Sexton—known for his decades of navigating the gritty realities of failed marriages—joins TRIGGERnometry to share what he’s learned about why relationships go wrong and, crucially, how couples can avoid ending up in his office. The discussion dives into cultural, legal, and psychological aspects of marriage, debunks internet myths, and offers practical advice for relationship longevity, all delivered with Sexton's frank wit and depth of experience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Marriages Fail: Common Causes and Misconceptions

Root Causes

• Infidelity: Sexton identifies this as the most common "final straw," but emphasizes it’s usually a symptom of prior disconnection, not the root cause.

  "Infidelity is the symptom as opposed to the underlying illness." (17:15, James)

• Neglect: By far, the most insidious way marriages die is through inattention.

  "If you want your marriage to fall apart, stop paying attention. Just don’t water the plant. It’ll die." (07:34, James)

• Financial Betrayal: Hidden debts or secret overspending are described as a parallel form of intimacy betrayal (20:02).

Contributing Life Events

• Men losing their job is highly correlated with impending divorce due to identity loss, depression, and substance abuse (52:23).
• Child loss is catastrophic: over 85% of couples who lose a child also divorce (52:31).

Misconceptions

• The frequently quoted "50% divorce rate" refers to the proportion of marriages, not marrying individuals. Serial divorces skew the stats (05:42).
• Sexton emphasizes the high risk:

  "If there’s a 48% chance when you walk out of here, you’re going to get hit in the head with a bowling ball, you’d either stay inside or wear a helmet." (05:54, James)

2. Gender Differences in Divorce and Initiation

• Conventional wisdom online claims "80% of women initiate divorce." Sexton unpacks and contextualizes:

  "People love weaponizing that statistic... If women were just saying, 'Oh yeah, I’ve cashed out, I’m doing great,' like I got into this thing and now he’s not doing well and I’m out... I don’t think that’s why that statistic is what it is." (36:51, James)

• Often, men may physically leave but do not file legally—leaving women to initiate divorce for financial and legal stability.
• Women tend to plan exits methodically, while men often leave abruptly (71:17).

3. The Legal Reality of Marriage & Prenuptial Agreements

• Marriage as a Legal Contract: Sexton points out that most people sign marriage licenses caught up in an "endorphin high," not understanding the implications.

  "It’s not even a contract you’d get to read... The first time [most people] learn [the rules] is sitting across from me." (10:20, James)

• Prenups: Properly drafted, they are enforceable; most horror stories stem from DIY prenups failing in court (15:17).

4. Relationship Dynamics: Communication, Connection, and Cultural Shifts

The Attention Economy

• Sexton uses an "economy" metaphor: men prize sex, women prize attention, and both are exchanged in a natural relationship "trade."

Communication as Prevention

• Early, deliberate, and kind communication—"Hit Send Now"—prevents little resentments from snowballing into catastrophe:

  "No single raindrop is responsible for the flood, but the flood’s made of nothing but raindrops." (30:23, James)

• Framing is crucial:

  "If you said, 'You know what, I miss you,'—as opposed to 'Why don’t we have sex anymore?'—the conversation is totally different." (33:39, James)

• Seeking therapy or even legal information preemptively can be life-saving for a marriage (67:11).

Relationship Life Cycles

• Marriages go through predictable stress points—arrival of children, career changes, empty-nesting, midlife transitions—each bringing its own risks and opportunities (22:59).

5. Social Media and Modern Marriage

• Social platforms are described as "infidelity-generating machines" that amplify dissatisfaction by encouraging constant comparison and providing easy access to alternative connections and affirmations.

  "In social media, you’re watching everyone’s greatest hits while living your gag reel..." (23:36, James)

• However, the impact depends on deliberate, mindful use—actively curating what you expose yourself to (98:24).

6. Divorce: Process, Regret, and Moving On

• Divorce is rarely the "easy" option; it simply trades one set of problems for another. It can be devastating, especially with children.

  "Divorce is intimacy weaponized... to love anything is to accept the inevitability of losing it." (80:14, James)

• Most people do not regret the legal act of divorce but often mourn the loss of the relationship itself and wish they had tried harder sooner (73:32).
• Most divorcees remarry within five years—87%—underscoring the human need for connection and hope (02:36, 93:05).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "I sell umbrellas. I don’t make it rain." (73:32, James) — On his role as a divorce lawyer.
• "The worst time to learn how to fight is when you’re in a fight." (12:22, James)
• "You’re comparing your relationship and all of its flaws... with the curated, perfect images of everyone else’s marriage and parenting." (23:36, James)
• "To love anything is insane... But to love anything is to say, I’m going to accept the pain of losing this." (80:14, James)
• "Marriage is the triumph of faith over reason." (93:05, James)
• "If you want to screw your marriage up, stop paying attention to it. Just don’t water the plant. It’ll die." (07:24, James)
• "Women cheat better… Men cheat more, but women cheat bigger. The soft place to land, the exit out of the relationship." (45:10, James)
• "No single raindrop is responsible for the flood, but the flood's made of nothing but raindrops." (30:23, James)
• On pre-marital education: "Maybe we should have barriers to entry [for marriage], not barriers to exit." (101:51, James)
• "If you lose, you lost. If you win [an argument with your spouse], you lost." (102:14, James)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Why Marriages Fail / Infidelity & Neglect (02:36–09:49)
• Marriage as Legal Contract / Prenups (09:49–16:59)
• Specific Triggers for Divorce (16:59–20:52)
• Relationship Life Stages (22:23–29:34)
• Communication & "Hit Send Now" (30:07–36:01)
• Divorce Initiation & Gender Statistics (36:29–40:30)
• Impacts of Job Loss, Grief, Substance Abuse (51:46–58:07)
• Family Courts & Gender Bias (59:23–66:34)
• Divorce Process, Regret, Moving On (73:06–88:03)
• Faith, Hope, and the Human Need for Connection (92:38–95:56)
• The Impact of Social Media (96:46–101:51)
• Premarital / Relationship Education (101:51–103:15)

Takeaways & Closing Insights

• Marriage success is about ongoing effort, not initial compatibility.
• Most couples fail from lack of attention and communication, not one-off betrayals.
• Legal and emotional realities diverge — know what you’re signing up for.
• Modern culture, especially social media, can poison relationships if not managed mindfully.
• Despite the risks and pain, love and connection remain core human needs—worth the risk of heartbreak.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone in a relationship or considering marriage, offering hard truths, warm humor, and deeply practical advice for how not to ruin your marriage.