Uncared For: Stuck in the Sandwich Generation

Season 3, Episode Release Date: June 12, 2024

Introduction

In this poignant episode of Uncared For, host Soo Jin Pak delves into the challenging realities faced by the sandwich generation—individuals who simultaneously care for their children and aging parents. Award-winning journalist SuChin Pak engages in a heartfelt conversation with Robert Ingenito, a member of this generation, to explore the emotional and logistical complexities of balancing these dual caregiving roles.

Meet Robert Ingenito: A Story of Dual Caregiving

Robert Ingenito shares his personal journey of caring for his father while raising his young daughter. He begins by highlighting the unexpectedness of entering the sandwich generation:

Robert Ingenito [00:25]: "This sandwich generation, no one prepared us for it. No one prepared me for it."

He echoes this sentiment, expressing the sudden realization in his 40s that he would need to raise children and care for his parents simultaneously, a situation that many Americans find themselves in today. Approximately 30% of family caregivers in the U.S. belong to this group, juggling responsibilities that often lead to overwhelming stress and feelings of isolation.

Balancing Act: Daily Life as a Caregiver

Robert describes a typical day, emphasizing the intricate balance between his roles as a father and a caregiver:

Robert Ingenito [10:52]: "A typical day was usually getting up, getting our daughter to school maybe I would put in a couple of hours of work for my part-time job and then I would come back to get him out of bed..."

He details the morning routine of assisting his father, including changing clothes, facilitating his morning activities, and ensuring his well-being throughout the day. Despite moments of normalcy, the constant undercurrent of responsibility creates a "day in, day out" routine that eventually consumes his identity:

Robert Ingenito [12:55]: "It's like a day in, day out routine that you get caught up in and you don't realize that so much of these small but important tasks are becoming so much a part of who you are..."

Emotional and Physical Toll

The episode delves into the emotional challenges Robert faced, particularly the guilt and exhaustion that accompany relentless caregiving. A pivotal moment occurs when his father's nighttime needs disrupt his sleep:

Robert Ingenito [15:39]: "...I spring out of bed and run over and be with him just to make sure that he wouldn't fall. And I wasn't getting sleep."

This relentless cycle leads to a breaking point, highlighting the necessity of respite care—temporary relief for primary caregivers. However, Robert illustrates the difficulties in accessing such services:

Robert Ingenito [17:06]: "There would be on occasion maybe like two or three times where we would do this thing called respite care..."

His experience underscores the strained options and the emotional burden of entrusting a loved one to temporary care:

Robert Ingenito [18:48]: "That was when we moved him into assisted living, where he stayed for the next about five months of his life."

The Difficult Decision: Assisted Living

Robert shares the heart-wrenching decision to move his father into an assisted living facility, despite a promise made to his late mother not to do so:

Robert Ingenito [20:45]: "From her deathbed, she says to me, you know, don't put your father in a nursing home."

He describes the guilt and cultural pressures that influenced his decision, rooted in his upbringing in a Catholic, Italian, Filipino household where guilt plays a significant role:

Robert Ingenito [22:58]: "There was a big pang of guilt there. You know, I don't want to necessarily pigeonhole, you know, cultural stereotypes..."

Despite the emotional turmoil, Robert recognizes the benefits of assisted living for his father, including enhanced socialization and professional care:

Robert Ingenito [25:25]: "After he moved in, after a good week or so, I was really impressed by, like, the socialization he was getting and the engagement he was getting from the staff and from the other residents in ways that I couldn't have provided to him if he was at home."

However, the financial strain of assisted living is significant, with costs not covered by Medicare:

Robert Ingenito [28:55]: "For the five months that he was there, he was paying around $11,000, $12,000 a month to be in that facility."

End-of-Life Care and Acceptance

The episode concludes with Robert discussing his father's passing and the peace he found in ensuring his father’s comfort in his final days:

Robert Ingenito [31:09]: "He was moved that evening... I felt, my God, I'm making these decisions for him and I'm... I'm basically giving him a death sentence."

Despite initial reservations, Robert does not regret his decisions, finding solace in the quality of care his father received:

Robert Ingenito [33:21]: "I don't regret anything about the care I gave my dad, including moving him to assisted living."

He also touches on family dynamics and how his young daughter coped with the changes, highlighting the lasting impact of caregiving on all family members:

Robert Ingenito [34:04]: "She grew up knowing that this grandpa who was in his 80s and 90s was not the same grandpa as my wife's parents who are now in their 60s."

Conclusion: The Journey of Caregiving

Soo Jin Pak reflects on Robert's story, emphasizing the ongoing journey of caregiving and the profound personal transformations it entails. The episode underscores the importance of support systems and the need for societal recognition of the burdens carried by the sandwich generation.

Soo Jin Pak [36:21]: "When the dill say caregiving is a journey, it's really true. You can go from helping your parents here and there to moving them in and then eventually you come to lose your loved one and that will continue the journey in a whole different way."

Key Takeaways:

1. Unpreparedness for Dual Roles: Many individuals in their 40s and beyond find themselves unexpectedly tasked with caring for both their children and aging parents without prior preparation or support.

2. Emotional and Physical Strain: The constant juggling of responsibilities leads to significant stress, guilt, and exhaustion, often resulting in caregivers reaching a breaking point.

3. Financial Burden: Assisted living and long-term care facilities pose a substantial financial challenge, especially since many costs are not covered by Medicare or insurance.

4. Necessity of Respite Care: Temporary relief through respite care is crucial but often underutilized due to accessibility issues and emotional barriers.

5. Impact on Family Dynamics: Caregiving affects not just the individual but the entire family, including the well-being of children who witness their parents' struggles.

6. Acceptance and Peace: Despite initial guilt and difficulty, caregivers may find peace and no regret in the choices made to ensure their loved ones receive proper care and dignity in their final days.

Final Thoughts

"Stuck in the Sandwich Generation" offers a raw and honest glimpse into the lives of those who navigate the complex landscape of modern caregiving. Robert Ingenito’s story serves as a powerful testament to the resilience and compassion required to support multiple generations, highlighting the urgent need for broader societal and policy support for caregivers everywhere.