A Normal Life | Chapter 8

Summary

Unfit For Service: Episode 8 - "A Normal Life"

Overview

In the poignant eighth episode of Unfit For Service, titled "A Normal Life," host Eric Marcus delves deep into the emotional and professional journey of Randy Taylor, a dedicated United States Army soldier who navigated the treacherous waters of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) policy. This episode chronicles Randy's struggle with secrecy, his relationship with Lucas, the transformative repeal of DADT, and the subsequent challenges and triumphs that followed. Through heartfelt interviews and personal anecdotes, listeners gain an intimate understanding of the profound impact national policies can have on individual lives.

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The Weight of Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Randy Taylor's commitment to serving America was unwavering, but the shadow of DADT loomed large over his military career. The policy forced Randy to conceal his true identity, fostering a life marked by paranoia and isolation. As Randy reflects on the policy's corrosive effects, he emphasizes its undermining of military integrity:

Randy: "Neither race nor religion, ethnicity or gender or sexual orientation should deprive Americans of serving our country as the patriots that they are."
[02:28]

Despite his dedication, Randy and his partner, Lucas, were compelled to hide their relationship, presenting themselves as mere brothers to the outside world. This façade took a significant emotional toll, creating a "carefully constructed cage" that both struggled to abandon even when the opportunity for openness arose.

---

The Repeal of DADT: A Turning Point

On December 28, 2010, the United States Senate voted 65 to 31 to repeal DADT, marking a monumental victory for LGBTQ civil rights. President Obama signed the repeal into law, liberating gay and lesbian service members from the fear of discharge solely based on their sexual orientation.

President Obama: "We are a nation that welcomes the service of every patriot... I just ask any of you, all of you, if you could, I pray that you find the grace and understanding to accept us into your army family."
[04:46]

For Randy and Lucas, this legislative shift represented a beacon of hope. They envisioned a life where Randy could openly serve without hiding his identity, and their relationship could be acknowledged without secrecy. However, transitioning from decades of concealment to openness proved more complex than anticipated.

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Navigating New Freedoms and Old Habits

With the repeal, Randy and Lucas initially took tentative steps towards normalcy. They began frequenting local movie theaters, dining out without fear of being spotted, and eventually purchased a home together in Miami, Florida. These small changes symbolized their desire to build a life without lies.

Lucas: "It was a little scary because... how awkward is that that you would walk in and say to your friends and your work colleagues, 'I've been lying to you for 16 years?'"
[08:17]

Despite their optimistic outlook, Randy's military career remained a cornerstone of his identity. A sudden call from his superior threatened to uproot their plans, as Randy was slated for a rare promotion to Brigadier General—a position that would make him the first openly gay general in U.S. history if he chose to come out publicly.

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The Promotion Ceremony: Breaking Barriers

As Randy prepared for his promotion, the weight of public recognition loomed. The promotion ceremony, traditionally a grand affair, required a change of command that would inevitably expose his true relationship with Lucas. The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) posed additional complications, as it still affected the recognition of same-sex marriages across various states.

Faced with these challenges, Randy and Lucas made the heartfelt decision to marry in secret on July 4, 2013, shortly after the Supreme Court struck down DOMA. Their private ceremony symbolized both their commitment to each other and their hope for a more inclusive future.

During the promotion ceremony, Randy chose to honor Lucas publicly, breaking the silent chains that had bound them for years. The ceremony was met with overwhelming support from colleagues and friends, fostering a sense of acceptance and unity.

Randy: "I just wanted to recognize... the support that you've given me as a service member... I just ask any of you... to accept us into your army family."
[28:15]

---

Personal Loss and Resilience

Amidst these victories, Randy faced personal tragedy. His younger brother, Brett, struggled with alcoholism and tragically lost his life in a car accident in 2017. Brett's absence at Randy and Lucas's significant milestones underscored the ongoing emotional challenges Randy endured.

Randy: "Something had caused him to turn to alcohol heavily that night... he. He didn't deserve any of this."
[35:27]

This loss further highlighted the complexities of balancing personal life with military obligations, emphasizing that even amidst progress, personal battles continue.

---

Ongoing Challenges and Future Outlook

While Randy retired in 2020 as a decorated general, his journey reflects both progress and the hurdles that remain for LGBTQ service members. The military continues to grapple with policies affecting transgender troops and the reintegration of LGBTQ veterans who faced dishonorable discharges under past regulations.

Randy's story serves as a testament to resilience and the ongoing fight for equality within the armed forces. His relationship with Lucas, now openly celebrated, symbolizes a broader shift towards acceptance and recognition of LGBTQ individuals in all facets of society.

Randy: "The meaning of life... is simply to love and be loved. That's it."
[43:10]

---

Conclusion

"A Normal Life" encapsulates the intersection of personal identity and national policy, illustrating how legislative changes can transform individual lives. Randy Taylor's journey from secrecy to openness, marked by love, loss, and unwavering service, offers profound insights into the human spirit's capacity to endure and thrive amidst adversity. This episode not only celebrates progress but also underscores the work that remains in fostering an inclusive and supportive environment for all service members.

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Notable Quotes

• Randy on DADT's Impact:
  "Neither race nor religion, ethnicity or gender or sexual orientation should deprive Americans of serving our country as the patriots that they are."
  [02:28]

• Lucas on the Repeal:
  "If that happened, I could sit directly beside him and be recognized as his husband... I never thought that day was coming."
  [16:02]

• Randy on Love and Service:
  "The meaning of life... is simply to love and be loved. That's it."
  [43:10]

---

Production Credits

Unfit For Service is produced by Wavland and Vespucci, with Eric Marcus as the host. The executive producers include Jason Hoke for Wavland and Daniel Turkin and Johnny Galvin for Vespucci. Rachel Byrne serves as the series producer, while Matt Willis and Thomas Curry are the story editors. Additional script editing was provided by Sara Burningham. The managing producer is Thomas Curry. Audio was recorded by Catherine Cook at CDM Sound Studios, with sound design by Arlie Adlington and Alex Portfelix, and the audio mix handled by Alex Portfelix. Follow Wavland on Instagram @wavelandmedia.

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Transcript

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[Eric Marcus]

Listener discretion is advised.

[Target Representative]

With regard to don't ask, don't tell. I cannot think of a policy that greater undermines the integrity of our entire armed services and who we are as a nation. This is a policy that is corrosive. You are asking men and women who want nothing but to serve this country to give their lives for this country to say no. You cannot because of who you love.

[Randy]

Neither race nor religion, ethnicity or gender or sexual orientation should deprive Americans of serving our country as the patriots that they are.

[Eric Marcus]

Some have said this is not the time to repeal this policy. And they're right. It should have been done yesterday.

[Claude]

With 65 votes, eight of them Republican, the Senate voted to end the ban on gays serving openly in the military.

[Eric Marcus]

After 18 years of controversy, don't ask.

[Randy]

Don'T tell died at the stroke of midnight. A cheer from the crowd as the military's ban on homosexuals serving openly is officially repealed. It was a tear jerker.

[Claude]

It was because you just remember the struggles.

[Randy]

This is one of those nights where.

[Claude]

I will remember what I was wearing, what I ate, you know, who I was with.

[Randy]

It's going to be one of those.

[Claude]

Nights where I will remember all the details.

[Eric Marcus]

On December 28, 2010, the United States Senate overturns the don't ask, don't tell policy by a vote of 65 to 31, gay and lesbian people in the armed forces no longer have to serve in fear.

[President Obama]

So this morning, I am proud to sign a law that will bring an end to don't ask, don't tell. It is a law. This law I'm about to sign will strengthen our national security and uphold the ideals that our fighting men and women risk their lives to defend. No longer will our country be denied the service of thousands of patriotic Americans who were forced to leave the military regardless of their skills, no matter their bravery or their zeal, no matter their years of exemplary performance because they happen to be gay. No longer will tens of thousands of Americans in uniform be asked to live a lie or look over their shoulder in order to serve the country that they love.

[Eric Marcus]

A few days later, President Obama signs the repeal.

[President Obama]

For we are not a nation that says don't ask, don't tell. We are a nation that says out of many, we are one. We are a nation that welcomes the service of every every patriot. We are a nation that believes that all men and women are created equal. Those are the ideals that generations have fought for. Those are the ideals that we uphold today. And now it is my honor to sign this bill into law.

[Eric Marcus]

It's a huge win for the LGBTQ civil rights movement that's been decades in the making. It means no more witch hunts, no more investigations, no more wrecked careers and ruined lives. But what does this dramatic policy change mean for Randy and Lucas? Can their lives be transformed overnight with the stroke of a pen? I'm Eric Marcus, and from Waveland and Vespucci, this is unfit for service. Episode 8 A Normal Life.

[Randy]

We've come to a point in our history, I.

[Lucas]

Hope where I was watching the vote on tv Because I was counting the votes, and I knew what they needed to have it. And when it finally went in, I was thrilled, absolutely thrilled and very proud of not just the Democrats, but the Republicans that came over to see that, too.

[Eric Marcus]

Randy's job is no longer in danger. He doesn't have to hide a fundamental aspect of who he is. And he and Lucas don't have to keep their relationship a secret. They don't have to pretend to be brothers anymore. Lucas doesn't have to hide inside the house, avoiding the neighbors anymore. Maybe he can even go wild, hang out in their front yard. Finally, they could live a normal life. I mean, they could. But when you're so used to living in a carefully constructed cage, especially one you've been compelled to build, it can be hard to leave, even after the door has swung wide open.

[Lucas]

So, you know, when the repeal don't ask, don't tell, when the votes finally came down, I remember I did go and pick up my phone, and I called Randy, his office, and I just told him, I said, you know, it's over. It's been lifted. You know, again, Randy's at work. He's answered his phone. So he's like, it's great. We'll talk when I get home.

[Randy]

We were just. We were just elated. But at that point, I spent the last two decades with Lucas undercover, and we really didn't know how to come out in a public way. We didn't know how to change our habits. At that point, we were. We were settled.

[Lucas]

You know, Randy didn't go and put a picture of me on his desk at his office.

[Eric Marcus]

Do you wish he had?

[Lucas]

No.

[Eric Marcus]

No.

[Lucas]

It was. Again, you have 16 years of hiding. It becomes part of you. The only way to not slip up is that you have to embrace that Persona. You have to embrace that life. And, you know, it was a little scary. It was a little scary because just because you can do you. And what was the benefit of all of a sudden going in and saying, hey, you know that brother, not a brother. Also, how awkward is that that you would walk in and say to your friends and your work colleagues, I've been lying to you for 16 years?

[Eric Marcus]

So Randy decides to say nothing, to change nothing.

[Randy]

It was easier just to let the existing relationships continue as they were and me not to go back and kind of straighten things out.

[Eric Marcus]

Randy can't comprehend any other way to live. At least not yet. When Randy and Lucas do start to make changes in their life, they're small, gradual.

[Lucas]

We started going to movie theaters locally. We Started eating out in areas where we could have been spotted.

[Eric Marcus]

And they decide that maybe now, at long last, they can think about putting down roots. They buy a place together in both their names in Miami, Florida. As they start unpacking their things, they make a promise to each other. This time, when they meet their new neighbors, they'll be open about who they are. This is their chance to start fresh. No more lies. Randy finds a nearby scuba diving spot in Key Largo. He and Lucas get themselves a little boat, and they while away the hours in clear blue waters, exploring the bay and the ocean. This feels like the start of a new life, One he and Lucas have been waiting for. The military brass, however, have other ideas.

[Randy]

I got the call and they said, this is where we're sending you next. And I'm like, oh, I didn't ask for that. I thought we would just retire here in Miami.

[Eric Marcus]

It's one of Randy's superiors on the line.

[Randy]

They said, well, you really need to start packing because you're going to this job. And that's all we can say.

[Eric Marcus]

The call from this superior is vague, but it's a big deal. Randy's in line for a promotion now. He needs to break the news to Lucas.

[Randy]

We sat down for dinner, the two of us on a little la Z boy reclining sofa in our little Miami condo that we owned on the beach. And we were sitting there watching tv, having a nice dinner. We finished our dinner, we put our plates down. I kind of put the TV on pause, and I said, hey, you know, we're enjoying Miami, but what do you think if I took this job and went back to Fort Bragg? He's like, are you crazy? Well, you know, it's. What do you think? He said, only one way in the world you would ever take a job like that, and that's if you're making general. And that's never going to happen. And I looked at him and I said, we're going to Fort Bragg, honey. And that was it.

[Eric Marcus]

A promotion. General, top brass. Fewer than 1% of officers in the army ever make it that far. And Randy's promotion could be an even bigger deal. He would be the first out gay man to become a general in United States history, if he chooses to come out publicly. If Randy and Lucas are going to have to figure out the answer to that if soon. A promotion to general comes with a very public change of command ceremony, and that traditionally includes the newly minted general's.

[Lucas]

Spouse and family, the one star ceremony is huge. I mean, it's a Big, big fanfare that the military puts on for you.

[Eric Marcus]

In front of an audience of hundreds, including all of the most important people from Randy's time in the military, as well as his family and friends. Randy will be awarded a bespoke general officer flag, a custom firearm, and he'll be saluted by a full army band and battery of cannons. But what about the most important person in Randy's life, the person who has stood by him and supported him every step of the way as Randy climbed the ranks and advanced his career? Randy's colleagues still don't know about Lucas. Should he go or should he stay hidden away just like he always has?

[Randy]

I, for months, I'm sure, gave me an ulcer. I just toiled over, like, how is it going to work? How can I include Lucas yet just not invite all of this drama and attention into my personal life?

[Lucas]

As the months are getting closer and closer, he is very much struggling with this. He really does not want the ceremony to happen, but at the same time, he can't get out of it. He knows he has to have it.

[Randy]

I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want the public to spectacle of this, and I just wanted to be left alone just to get the work, receive my rank, receive my responsibilities, and just get after it.

[Eric Marcus]

But receiving the rank happens at the ceremony. There's no way around that. And there's a crucial role to be.

[Randy]

Filled when one gets promoted. If you're married, your spouse will pin the rank on you. And in the case where, like a general, where you have a star on each shoulder, your spouse would do one shoulder and maybe whoever special mentor would do the other one.

[Eric Marcus]

Randy and Lucas aren't married. It's not possible. The Defensive Marriage act is still in place, but it's teetering.

[Randy]

House Republicans have hired a lawyer to defend the law.

[Target Representative]

And today he said he always expected.

[Randy]

That the matter would end up here at the Supreme Court.

[Eric Marcus]

There's a case before the United States Supreme Court that could strike it down and make equal marriage the law of the land. The high court is faced with the.

[Randy]

Question of whether DOMA is constitutional.

[Eric Marcus]

It's looking like a ruling could come before Randy's big ceremony. So what if, if the Defense of Marriage act is overturned, should they get married in private? And what if once they're married, Randy's big ceremony is the place, the moment when they finally announce Lucas to the world. Randy decides to raise these what ifs with Lucas at dinner one evening.

[Lucas]

And he looks at me and he goes, you know, don't ask, don't tell's over. The Defense of Marriage Act. I think it's gonna be repealed. If it does, we could get married. If that happened, would you even want it? I could sit directly beside him and be recognized as his husband. And if I choose that, I'm not just choosing to do that for the ceremony because there's no turning back. Once you accept that, then I'm accepting that I will no longer have Randy and myself. I will now have General Randy Taylor, my husband. And I will be the spouse to General Taylor and everything that encompasses and comes with it. I will no longer sit at home when the balls and the galas happen. I will have to attend. I will no longer be in the shadows. Especially with him being a general. There's gonna be a spotlight. And what he's asking me is, do you want all that? I sat back and I thought for a second. I've rarely been adamant with Randy. I usually give some wiggle room to kind of judge where he's coming down on it. And I looked at him and I said, if this is too much for you, I'm okay staying in the shadows. But damn it, I earned it.

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[Randy]

A huge cheer then singing as the decision reaches the crowd out.

[Claude]

The historic ruling struck down the bans.

[Randy]

On same sex marriage still in effect in 14 states, all of them in the south and the Midwest.

[Eric Marcus]

In June 2013, the Supreme Court Strikes down the defense of Marriage act as unconstitutional. Seven days later, on July 4, Independence Day, Randy and Lucas get married in secret, just the two of them. But Randy is still torturing himself over the change of command ceremony, which is now less than a month away.

[Randy]

It was not an easy transition, and so I was not ready to run out there and say, I'm here. I'm queer, so let's, you know, get used to this gay general business. But I knew I couldn't deny Lucas really the thing that he very, very, very much deserved, that he'd never been able to do like all the other spouses. And finally, I mean, Lucas was the whole time very patient, letting me just process this. But he's like, dude, you gotta get over yourself. We just gotta move on with this. You can do this. And so he was very encouraging and very deserving, But I needed to get out of my own way with this.

[Eric Marcus]

But it's not just a case of getting out of his own way. Randy's also dealing with very real obstacles to his spouse taking part in the ceremony. For one thing, he has to find a military chaplain to preside.

[Randy]

So I asked the chaplain to come by and see me. He did, Closed the door, and I said, hey, chaplain, you know, I'd very much like you to be the chaplain who delivers the invocation and benediction at this ceremony. Said, by all means. I'm very honored. That's great. It's what I do. And I said, there's one more thing that you need to know that may or may not make a difference to you. And that is I'm married to a man. My husband will be participating in the ceremony like all other spouses and pinning the rank on one shoulder while our boss pins rank on the other should. And he quickly said, well, then, I'm sorry, I can't help you. You'll have to look for another chaplain, and perhaps I can help you find one.

[Eric Marcus]

Randy approaches another chaplain and another and another, and the answer is always the same.

[Randy]

But they said, even though I don't have a problem with you, I mean, we're okay. My sponsor, meaning the religious organization behind me that certified me to be a religious leader that has now made me credentialed so that I could be working in the military as a bona fide chaplain, My sponsor won't allow this, and they'll withdraw my sponsorship, and I'll lose my credentials and my ability to be a military chaplain. So I hope you understand.

[Eric Marcus]

Randy is beyond frustrated.

[Randy]

I wasn't asking for a special allowance or consideration or special blessing like we shall bless the wonderful gaze of the world. No, just give me the same old boilerplate thing that you give at any other ceremony. You know, we congratulate Taylor here and his family and da, da, da, and peace be with you. That's all they wanted.

[Eric Marcus]

It's an added stress that Randy and Lucas could do without. It's a reminder that while change is coming to the military, it still has a very long way to go. Eventually, after many calls and meetings, Randy finds a chaplain who does agree to deliver the blessing. Finally, all the pieces are in place and the day of the promotion ceremony arrives.

[Lucas]

I very much know that we're getting ready to do something that has never been done before. This will be the first time an active duty colonel is promoted to general who is openly gay. And I say openly gay because he's not. He's barely openly gay at all.

[Eric Marcus]

In the front row, two empty seats side by side. One for the officer being promoted, the other reserved for the officer's spouse. As guests start to file in, Lucas takes his seat next to Randy's empty chair. There's a ring on his finger.

[Lucas]

I finally have taken my Redding ring and I'm wearing it all the time.

[Eric Marcus]

Lucas clocks the curious glances in his direction. Hushed conversations. Who is that? Randy's brother. Why is he sitting in that chair?

[Lucas]

As soon as I sat down, there's no turning back because I'm now sitting in the seat that would be preserved for the spouse. And I realize this is going to change potentially if it's not controlled properly. Could be bad. Bad for us and bad for the military, and we don't want either. Randy loves the military and he doesn't want it seen in bad light, especially as we're moving forward. So, you know you have butterflies because there's no going back.

[Eric Marcus]

Meanwhile, Randy's waiting backstage so the official party comes out.

[Lucas]

Official party meaning Randy and the general and their command sergeant major.

[Eric Marcus]

Up on the stage, Randy looks out at an audience filled with people who know so much about his professional achievements, but who know very little about his personal life. And they certainly don't know about Lucas, his husband, sitting in the audience beside Randy's empty chair in the front row.

[Randy]

Men and women of arms, friends and family, let's pray. Pray A special blessing for his mother, Carol, his father, Fred, that passed in 2010 and still is motherless in spirit.

[Eric Marcus]

The chaplain's opening remarks are all about Randy's family. His mother Carol, his stepfather Fred, his brothers and sisters, his nieces and nephews.

[Randy]

And for Randy's husband and partner, long years, Lucas. And all of a sudden you see people look left and right out of the corner of their eye and wondering if they've just heard what they've heard.

[Eric Marcus]

Before the audience has time to fully absorb what the chaplains just said, Randy's boss, a four star general, takes over. He thanks Randy for his service to the United States. He celebrates Randy's work, dedication and duty. And then we obviously recognize Lucas, all that you have done, certainly through the.

[Randy]

Last 10 moves in the continental United States, in supporting his many OCONUS deployments and unit responsibility.

[Lucas]

So thank you for all that you have done.

[Randy]

I would now ask for the family to please come forward so that we can officially promote. What blew me away is that he very quickly recognized Lucas, honored him for his support as a spouse. This was something that no one expected. And even though this commander of mine was a highly respected leader by me and so many others, I knew this was very new territory for him.

[Lucas]

He spoke beautifully about the fact that I had been by Randy's side the entire time and no one, just no one knew about it. The room was filled with over 300 people.

[Eric Marcus]

Lucas and Randy's mother join Randy on stage to pin the rank on the shoulders of his uniform. Randy is officially a Brigadier General. Now it's Randy's turn. He takes a deep breath and steps up to the podium. He begins by thanking his colleagues and his family. And then he turns to Lucas.

[Randy]

Out of all the people I've mentioned, all the other people that I've just been on mission, helped me through my career, there's absolutely no one, without a doubt that's brought me more, had done more to be responsible for where I am today than my husbands. For the last 17 years. He decided to set his personal desires and his work goals aside to accompany me on every single PCs move, CONUS and Hill bonus for the last 17 years. We've been together since I was a captain. It's amazing. We've had a great time and like most spouses, putting the needs of the army ahead of your own. So serving in a professional individual with great integrity and character. There's no one that I know that has more integrity than you, better character with you. I just wanted to recognize that in front of everyone, the support that you've given me as a service member, anybody that knows us knows that Lucas is my better half and those most of you don't know him. And just briefly, the reason you don't, because of army policy up until now, that's behind us. We move on. We adhere to army policy. We do what we need to do. We serve the best we can. And I just ask any of you, all of you, if you could, I pray that you find the grace and understanding to accept us into your army family. I now officially introduce my family to my army family. Well, there you go.

[Lucas]

So when Randy speaks about me in public, I. It's hard for me not to cry, to know that he appreciates me on that level. And quite often, when you go about your day to day work and you're just getting kind of your chores done and your job done, you don't always know if someone's watching or if they know. Especially in that moment. When Randy talked about me, I knew he had seen everything that I had been doing and working on, and it mattered to him. We don't always share that enough with our loved ones. And to have Randy do that publicly, yeah, it made it all worth it. I never thought that day was coming. I never dreamed that it would ever come. And I was. I had accepted that it would never come. And then to be proven wrong and be sitting in that chair at that moment, to go up on the stage and pin Randy's rank, him, I'll never forget it. The level of emotion that happened, the pride I felt in not just him, but in our marriage, it was a lot to process.

[Eric Marcus]

You did?

[Lucas]

I did.

[Eric Marcus]

The ceremony is over. Randy and Lucas prepare to greet Randy's colleagues. Many are people Randy's worked with for years, but of course, they're seeing him in a new light now. Most of them will be meeting Lucas for the first time.

[Randy]

So there's a receiving line at the end of the ceremony where I and Lucas and our family line up and the whole crowd cycles through, shakes hands, gives hugs, and people keep moving to the reception area. And then we all kind of hang out and celebrate with the reception. And I thought for sure people are, at the end of the ceremony, are just going to dodge their receiving line and they're just going to head for the exits.

[Lucas]

They had told us that the receiving line would have about 50 people, and we had over 150. It took us a couple of hours to get through the receiving line.

[Randy]

Many people who came through the line didn't hold back in expressing their understanding and basically apologizing for a national policy. It wasn't even the military's making. This was directed by Congress. And so many people in that line said, we are so thankful for your service, so grateful for you saying and doing what we Just experienced and it was full on support. People going out of the way to indicate to us that we're included. The hugs were tighter than any other time and it was a, it was a life changing moment. I think then this kind of opened something in me where now I would allow others to give to me in a way that I really had not known most of my adult life or frankly my whole life.

[Eric Marcus]

It's more than Randy and Lucas could have ever hoped for. The secrecy, the lies, all of that's over now. They'll never again have to hide who they are. It's one of the happiest days of Randy's life. Surrounded by friends and family. All except one. Brett. Randy's baby brother. Brett doesn't make it to this ceremony. He doesn't get to see Randy out and proud with Lucas in front of this crowd of colleagues and friends. Randy's worried about his brother, but he tries to talk himself out of being alarmed. Maybe Brett's taking some time off to get himself on the right track. If that's the case, his recovery is more important than the ceremony. Besides, Randy thinks there might be other moments like this, other opportunities to show Brett how far he's come. And it turns out there is. In 2017, just a few years after Lucas pins the star to the shoulder of Randy's uniform during his general ceremony, Randy gets promoted again. He'll be a two star general now, one of the highest ranking openly gay military officials in the U.S. army. Again, Randy invites Brett, but he doesn't show.

[Randy]

And I offered to pay Brett's way for him to come and visit. I was looking forward to that. And I knew he'd like hanging out with my mom and my sisters. I thought it'd be fun to have him around because he's always the life of the party. But I think something happened that I will never understand is that, you know, that day, while the rest of us were celebrating this pretty significant milestone in my career, something had caused him to turn to alcohol heavily that night. I found out the morning after the change of command ceremony when Wynton knocked on the door to the suite where my mom and my sisters were staying. The three of them were just sitting there in bed, crying, holding the phone in their hand. They just received the news over the phone and that's when they told Lucas and me. That night he got highly, highly intoxicated. Lethal levels of alcohol consumption, and then drove his car into a billboard in the median in the highway at high speed. I don't know if he meant to end his life that night or if it was just another drunken night driving home. And this time he couldn't beat the odds. I'll never know. You know, he. He didn't deserve any of this. You know, he really didn't. He was. He deserved a rich life full of love and opportunity. He really did. But at this point, there was nothing I could do to help anymore. He was in a coma and he never came out.

[Claude]

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[Target Representative]

Unlock the magic of Cyber Monday deals at Target. Go online and save up to 50% on toys, tech, small appliances, and more. Plus get 25% off on beauty. Don't let these Cyber Monday deals vanish. They end Monday. Save more on gifts this season. Happier holidays from Target. Restrictions apply.

[Eric Marcus]

It's been seven years since Brett's death, 11 years since Randy became the only openly gay man to achieve any general officer rank in the US Military. Randy often wonders what Brett would think of the life he and Lucas are now living. Would Brett be proud of him now that his sexuality is no longer a secret? Despite everything Randy's achieved throughout his life, this isn't a simple happily ever after ending. Randy served seven years as an out gay man, retiring in the year 2020 as a decorated general with a full military pension after 38 years of service as an enlisted soldier and commissioned officer. But many of his fellow gay service members were not so lucky. The Pentagon is working on identifying some of the thousands of gay and lesbian veterans who received less than honorable discharges in order to consider upgrading their discharge status to honorable and restoring the benefits they'd been denied. Dozens of veterans are suing to reclassify their discharge papers, but it's a slow process and one that won't fully undo the harm thousands of soldiers have experienced over the decades. And progress isn't always a forward march. New battlefronts continue to open up for LGBTQ people currently serving as well as their families. More than 40% of active duty troops live in the worst or high risk areas for anti LGBTQ laws. Troops who have school age LGBTQ children are being forced to move to new bases because of anti LGBTQ bullying at their schools. And trans people serving in the military have had to live through eight years of flip flopping as President Obama lifted a ban on transgender troops in 2016, only for President Trump to reinstate it in 2019 and for President Biden to lift the ban again in 2021. We've come a long way and as ever, there is still a long way to go. As we finish our final interview, Randy and Lucas lead me through their house, back to the front door. And on the way, I noticed something that I hadn't registered the first time around. I spot the kind of things you might expect to see in any home occupied by a long term couple. Photographs of the two of them together on full display. Randy follows my gaze and says he has just one more thing to show me before I go. But you still have the shirt. I do. It's the shirt Randy was wearing the first night he met Lucas. This shirt looks actually a little like you would swim in it now.

[Randy]

I would. I don't know what's happening. I know I'm shrinking, but yeah, I could fill this shirt out back in the day with quite the muscular chest and, and arms.

[Eric Marcus]

How did you come to save that?

[Randy]

How could you not? I mean, how could you like. I couldn't bear like to toss it aside. I mean, you just. Oh, this is. Yeah, I'll have this and might as well bury me in it because it.

[Eric Marcus]

Was what you were wearing when you met Lucas.

[Randy]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that's. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Yeah, I think it's pretty cool to have it. And I also have the hotel room key from that night, our first night together. One of these old punch card kind of plastic looking things.

[Claude]

Yeah.

[Eric Marcus]

So the men who you commanded, especially in the days when, before you came out, could they have imagined that you were such a romantic?

[Randy]

No. Romance is not one of the army values. Right. The army isn't anti romance. But it's just like you got, you got other things to be doing, right? To be fighting and winning the nation's wars. But no, I don't think so. Matter of fact, I didn't even see it in myself to be a romantic. But these are things that Lucas is teaching me. I mean, part of me getting a little bit better every day is just having him around.

[Eric Marcus]

Yeah. Well, you had a lot to unlearn.

[Randy]

You're right. I went from an environment where I was raised, where I was always on alert, always scanning the environment for danger at home.

[Eric Marcus]

Primarily.

[Randy]

Primarily. And now I went into a much more intense, you know, situation in the military where you spend a lot of time just constantly on alert in a dangerous environment and constantly scanning and being ready for danger. And so that's. That's the kind of the downside. I mean, it's. We can all kind of surge to that out of necessity and isolation at events, but to continuously live like that for much of your life, it's not a healthy state to stay in for a very long period of time. But that's kind of all I knew. And then by continuing to serve under don't ask, don't tell, it was my kind of hyper vigilant state of always sensing the environment for danger, always fearing what could happen. How do you throttle that back? How do you get it under control when it's not needed just so you can get to a better place? I really had to go through a lot of trials and tribulations before I found the love of my life. So it's not lost on me how precious that is, because when I think about the most important thing in life, but go as far as saying the meaning of life, it's simply to love and be loved. That's it. So you don't have to accomplish anything else, do anything else, prove anything else, validate anything else. The fact that I and the other soldiers I serve with, we serve for the sake of love because we're so devoted to supporting and defending this American way of life that's kind of enshrined in our Constitution. But it's more than that. We fight not because we hate the enemy in front of us. We fight because we love who's behind us that we've left back at home.

[Eric Marcus]

Unfit for Service is a production of Waveland and Vespucci and is hosted by me, Eric Marcus for Waveland, the executive producer is Jason Hoke. For Vespucci, the executive producers are Daniel Turkin and Johnny Galvin. The series producer is Rachel Byrne. The story editors are Matt Willis and Thomas Curry with additional script editing by Sara Burningham. Thomas Curry is the managing producer. Audio recording by Catherine Cook at CDM Sound Studios. Sound design by Arlie Adlington and Alex Portfelix. Audio mix by Alex Portfelix. Follow wavelength on Instagram @wavelandmedia. If you love the show, please don't forget to leave a review and make sure you tell your friends thanks for listening.

[Claude]

No matter what happens to your phone this holiday, whether it crashes down the chimney or gets broken like a New Year's resolution, Verizon's got you this Black Friday. Trade in any iPhone, any condition from one of our top brands and get a wonderful new iPhone 16 Pro with Apple Intelligence on Unlimited ultimate and iPad and Apple Watch Series 10. That's up to $2,000 in value, so you'll save big on three amazing Apple gifts. Hurry into Verizon this Black Friday service plan required for iPad and Apple watch up to $2,000 value based on iPhone, iPad and Apple Watch. Trade in and Additional terms apply seeverizing.com for details. Apple Intelligence available now.

[Target Representative]

Unlock the magic of Cyber Monday deals at Target. Go online and save up to 50% on toys, tech, small appliances and more. Plus get 25% off on beauty. Don't let these Cyber Monday deals vanish. They end Monday. Save more on gifts this season. Happier holidays from Target restrictions apply.