Outcast | Chapter 3

Summary

Episode Title: Outcast | Chapter 3
Release Date: October 28, 2024
Host: Eric Marcus
Production: Wavland and Vespucci

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Introduction

In the third chapter of Unfit for Service, host Eric Marcus delves deeper into the personal struggles faced by Randy Taylor and his fellow soldiers under the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) policy. This episode, titled "Outcast | Chapter 3," explores themes of secrecy, identity, and the emotional toll of military discrimination through compelling narratives and firsthand accounts.

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The Impact of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

Eric Marcus opens the episode by critiquing the DADT policy, highlighting its failure to protect gay and lesbian service members and instead fostering an environment of fear and isolation.

Eric Marcus [02:27]: "Don't Ask, Don't Tell didn't explicitly forbid soldiers like Randy from going to gay bars, but it was risky."

He discusses how the policy led to increased discharges, contrary to President Bill Clinton's promise to end witch hunts against LGBTQ+ service members.

Eric Marcus [07:23]: "The Defense of Marriage Act and Don't Ask, Don't Tell represent a full-scale retreat. And soldiers like Randy navigating their sexuality in hostile territory are left abandoned and isolated."

---

Blue's Story: Struggling in Silence

Blue Copas' narrative provides a poignant example of the personal anguish caused by DADT. Raised in a deeply religious family, Blue grappled with his sexuality amidst stringent religious and military expectations.

Blue [08:56]: "We were at church anytime the doors opened... I admired my preacher."

Despite excelling as an Arabic linguist and paratrooper in the 82nd Airborne Division, Blue's life took a tragic turn when anonymous emails accused him of being gay, leading to his discharge.

Blue [17:12]: "I remember I came to attention... I was nothing."

---

Randy Taylor: Living a Double Life

Randy Taylor's journey is central to this episode. Initially adhering to the DADT policy by concealing his sexuality, Randy's clandestine visits to gay bars in Key West reveal his inner turmoil and yearning for authenticity.

Randy [02:27]: "Don't Ask, Don't Tell didn't explicitly forbid soldiers like Randy from going to gay bars, but it was risky."

His encounter with a handsome stranger in Key West marks a turning point, challenging his long-held beliefs and propelling him toward embracing his true identity.

Randy [21:14]: "It was like finally feeling something that was always there... how do you make sense of that?"

---

Relationship Dynamics: Randy and Lucas

The episode introduces Lucas, a younger soldier whom Randy meets at Warehouse 29, a gay club in Greensboro, North Carolina. Their immediate connection blossoms into a profound relationship fraught with the constant threat of exposure.

Randy [27:54]: "Randy put he persuades himself that he can still enjoy his life as a gay man under Don't Ask, Don't Tell as long as he flies under the radar."

Their love story highlights the precarious balance between personal happiness and professional duty within the confines of military regulations.

Randy [35:32]: "It was like a full-on connection... just incredible."

---

Family Ties and Internal Conflict

Randy's relationship with his brother, Brett, underscores the generational and ideological clashes surrounding sexuality and military service. Brett advocates for public authenticity, failing to grasp the severe repercussions Randy faces under DADT.

Randy [25:00]: "I cannot be out at work because they will kick me out and I will be discharged disgracefully."

Eric Marcus [24:52]: "Brett thought that I shouldn't put up with it, that I should just then move on to something else."

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Climactic Decisions and Consequences

Randy and Lucas’s decision to pursue their relationship openly, despite the risks, sets the stage for impending challenges. Their commitment symbolizes a defiant stand against oppressive policies but also foreshadows potential fallout.

Eric Marcus [39:25]: "If Randy thought he could keep these two parts of himself separate, the soldier and the gay man, he's about to find out just how wrong he is."

Randy [40:00]: "We were blinded by love, and the love became more important than the risk and the consequence."

---

Notable Quotes

• Blue on Suppression:

  "I think every time I prayed... that prayer would make me straight." [11:47]

• Eric Marcus on DOMA and DADT:

  "The Defense of Marriage Act and Don't Ask, Don't Tell represent a full-scale retreat." [07:23]

• Randy on Identity Conflict:

  "I was the only one who I knew to be gay. Immediately. I assumed it was me..." [14:39]

• Randy on Relationship with Lucas:

  "We were blinded by love, and the love became more important than the risk and the consequence." [40:00]

---

Insights and Reflections

Eric Marcus poignantly illustrates the human cost of discriminatory policies like DADT, emphasizing the psychological and emotional burdens borne by service members forced to live hidden lives. The intertwined stories of Randy and Blue serve as powerful testimonies to resilience and the quest for authenticity in the face of adversity.

---

Conclusion

"Outcast | Chapter 3" offers a deeply moving exploration of the challenges faced by LGBTQ+ service members under the DADT policy. Through evocative storytelling and heartfelt interviews, the episode sheds light on the profound personal sacrifices made by individuals like Randy Taylor and Blue Copas, underscoring the urgent need for policy reevaluation and greater acceptance within the military.

---

Transcript

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[Blue]

Listener discretion is advanced.

[Eric Marcus]

Don't Ask, Don't Tell didn't explicitly forbid soldiers like Randy from going to gay bars, but it was risky. There was always the danger of military personnel staking them out, looking to catch service members guilty of having a so called homosexual lifestyle. Picture this Saturday night at a gay bar somewhere in America. Just like the one where Randy's hanging out in Key West. Music dancing, drinks flowing. Someone new walks in. They look somehow out of place. The music blares. The dancing doesn't stop. Most people in the bar are caught up in the moment, enjoying themselves. They don't register the new arrival. But for a select few people with ramrod straight Backs short, clean fingernails, pressed clothes and suffocating secrets. People like Randy. This newcomer sets off an internal alarm. They know why this person is here, who they're looking for. In their heads, a warning. Get out now. Fight or flight mode kicks in. Head for the exits. Quickly, discreetly. They pour out like shadows, climb into their cars, drive away, checking their rearview mirror to make sure nobody's following them, hoping that no one has written down their license plate number. Back on base Monday morning, these soldiers pray they won't hear. You were spotted at a gay bar. You're under investigation for homosexual conduct. We need to read your mail, search your bedroom, your desk, your locker, your computer. We'll be talking to your colleagues, your physician, your psychologist, your friends, your family. Or you can just admit that you're gay. When President Bill Clinton announced the don't ask, don't tell policy, he promised to end the witch hunts. But in 1996, just three years after the policy was introduced, the Service Members Legal Defense Network reports the discharge rate for gay and lesbian service members is at a five year high.

[Randy]

Hawaii's Supreme Court heard a case on gay couple marriages. The case, Barr v. Lewin. The court ruled that denying gay couple marriages may violate constitutional equal protection provisions. And the Hawaii case was sent back to trial court for further review.

[Eric Marcus]

In that same year, three same sex couples successfully argue that the Constitution in Hawaii grants them the legal right to marry. This legal decision sparks a nationwide panic for those who vehemently oppose marriage equality.

[Opposition Voice 1]

I don't care what anybody says, it's against God's law.

[Opposition Voice 2]

I can't go with the gay marriage thing. I mean, it's just totally against anything moral. The Bible itself even speaks that even the beasts in the field don't do it.

[Blue]

And I just think it's wrong.

[Eric Marcus]

If gay couples can get married in Hawaii, they can then return to their home states and demand official recognition under a clause of the Constitution.

[Opposition Voice 2]

Once we start marrying two men or two women, that there's no stopping. I mean, who says that it won't be three men with two women or three women with five men or whatever that is.

[Eric Marcus]

Same sex marriage was very unpopular at the time. And after rising pressure from Congress, Bill Clinton signs the Defense of Marriage Act. This is a federal law defining marriage as only a legal union between one man and one woman, as husband and wife and spouse, as only a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or wife.

[Opposition Voice 1]

When people get married, they get Social Security, they get all the benefits, and we're talking about an economy that's really dying today. And by doing this, the economy is going to get worse. I also feel that you say government can't push morals, but they can. This country is going to suffer if we keep letting people do the immoral things now. I don't care what they do in their bedroom. I really don't. And I don't care if they live next to me. I don't even care if they come to my home and eat off my table. But I do not think we should have marriage between them. Thank you.

[Eric Marcus]

DOMA specifically denied same sex couples all of the federal benefits given to opposite sex couples. This included protections and privileges such as the legal recognition of their relationships, next of kin status, and the right to live together in military housing. Clinton chose to sign DOMA out of the public eye, but it was the same result for a president who actively campaigns for the gay vote. The Defense of Marriage act and Don't Ask, Don't Tell represent a full scale retreat. And soldiers like Randy navigating their sexuality in hostile territory are left abandoned and isolated. I'm Eric Marcus and from Waveland and Vespucci, this is Unfit for service. Episode 3 Outcast by the mid-1990s, just a few short years after Don't Ask, Don't Tell was signed into law, it's clear the policy is a failure. Gay people who want to join the military and those already serving have no choice but to do everything they can to hide their identities. Blue Copas was raised in Johnson City, a town of about 70,000 in eastern Tennessee nestled in the shadow of the Appalachian mountains. Blue lived in a trailer with his mother, father and sister and they were deeply committed to their faith.

[Blue]

We were at church anytime the doors opened. It was a Christian, non denominational church, very small, and I admired my preacher. He was a war vet himself and occasionally he would include stories from his time in the Navy. I believe World War II, and so I was always fascinated by those stories. My dad was an army vet. I had an uncle who was in Vietnam, so that career appealed to me.

[Eric Marcus]

After high school, Blue joined the rotc, the Reserve Officers Training Corps. It's a program hosted by colleges and universities that gives students the option of becoming officers in the armed forces after they graduate. Blue didn't sign up as soon as he finished college. But then 911 happened.

[Blue]

I felt called to do something. I knew that I had this training for the military. I'm passionate about it. I have a servant's heart. I'm willing to die for my country. I went to the ROTC department and Said, okay, I'm ready. And we had to turn in all of our own clothes. We all got the same haircut. They issued us what we were going to be wearing the next few months. It that felt like connection somehow, that I was losing part of myself. But it didn't matter because I was becoming a part of something bigger. And I looked just like everyone else in that room. They were probably just as nervous, and some were pretty dang scared. But I felt really proud in that moment that I was in a room with a bunch of strangers I knew nothing about. And that was the most important part of who we were, that we were connected as a unit, and whatever happened before didn't matter. So it's almost like I had a clean slate.

[Eric Marcus]

But as he talked with his fellow recruits, Blue kept silent about a secret he'd been hiding since he was a kid.

[Blue]

My favorite spot to sit in church was behind the preacher's son, who was an adult at the time. He was an adult, and I just thought he was the bee's knees. And I don't know if this is inappropriate, but he had some hair sticking up out of the back of his T shirt and also the front of his T shirt. And I thought that was the hottest thing.

[Eric Marcus]

Blue had pretty much always known he was gay, but all that time sitting in church yearning for the preacher's son while hearing how homosexuality was condemned had taught him to keep his mouth shut.

[Blue]

I think every time I prayed, I probably included a little bit, even if I didn't say it out loud, that that prayer would make me straight. I would go up to the altar and hope that the preacher's power with him, praying with me would heal me.

[Eric Marcus]

Yeah, because of don't ask, don't tell, Blue wasn't asked about his sexual orientation when he signed up. And following the policy's requirements, he didn't mention it either.

[Blue]

I knew what the don't ask, don't tell policy was, and I had to hold up my end of the bargain. I almost felt like it protected me because I didn't want anyone asking me about it. And I was still under the belief that I was going to find whatever the magic bean was that was going to make me straight. There was a part of being in an uber masculine environment that might help me become straight, because almost every day of my life and sometimes every breathing moment, I was determined that I was going to be good enough, that God was going to switch me or that I could somehow will it.

[Eric Marcus]

Blue became a highly skilled Arabic linguist and a paratrooper in the legendary 82nd Airborne Division.

[Blue]

I knew if I busted my ass, I could prove my case, prove my worth to a unit, that I could serve just as well and capably as all the other students, all the other service members. They all knew that I didn't have a girlfriend, that I wasn't married. I was in my late 20s by that point, so I'm sure they were probably guessing that I was single for some reason.

[Eric Marcus]

Throughout his service, Blue had never been asked if he was gay and had always kept his sexuality hidden. But perhaps not as hidden as he'd thought. One day, Blue was playing video games in the barracks when his superior officer ordered him and his fellow soldiers to assemble in the hallway.

[Blue]

And so I was standing pretty close to where he was speaking, and my back was up against the cinder block wall. And he started the conversation with, we have started getting emails saying that one of you is gay, and we need to know who it is so we can snuff it out.

[Eric Marcus]

Lou's director was asking this question in 2005, four years into Blue's service and 12 years after the introduction of don't ask, don't tell.

[Blue]

It shook me to my core. I often say that my stomach and my throat kind of changed places in my body. I was the only one who I knew to be gay. Immediately. I assumed it was me, but was wondering, what in the world is happening? Why would they get an email about me?

[Eric Marcus]

Blue had followed the rules and never shared his secret with anyone. He had no idea who the informant could be. Not even his family knew that he was gay.

[Blue]

Everything else was kind of a blur. And the whole conversation probably lasted two to three minutes. And somehow I found the courage, and I asked him if I could talk to him, and he said, sure. And I said, I don't think you're supposed to ask that. You're not allowed to ask who is gay because of the donna. So until policy. And he directed it straight at me and said, is it you? Are you gay? I said, no, but you shouldn't be asking that question. You're not allowed to.

[Eric Marcus]

From this moment, all eyes were on Blue. His commanders and colleagues watched his every move. And then the superior officer began to receive more and more emails, emails that named blue.

[Blue]

The informant sent an email, a mass email, to everyone in my battalion one evening saying, this guy's gay. Blue's commanders know about it and they're not doing anything. If blue has ever outed himself to you or if you have any proof, please bring that information forward to your.

[Eric Marcus]

Commanders despite the military having no evidence other than the messages from an unverified source, Ballou's commander called him into his office and told him he was through. He was being discharged.

[Blue]

I remember I came to attention. I thanked him for letting me serve. I saluted him and turned around and it was all I could do to get out of the building before I completely broke down. So I was holding all these tears in. And I do remember very vividly sitting in my car right in front of the building, weeping. And in that moment, what I felt was that every value of me had been stripped. I had really built my entire identity in being a soldier and that being a soldier gave me value. And that in that moment, that was stripped away. So I was nothing. At the same time, I also didn't imagine I could trust anyone. So I felt completely alone. And it was dark. It was just. It was dark.

[Eric Marcus]

Blue is just one of thousands of soldiers who were thrown out despite going to extraordinary lengths to conceal their sexuality. If Randy is going to explore his own identity, then he'll have to take it even further or else lose everything. But could Randy Taylor keep a perfect secret?

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[Eric Marcus]

On Randy's first visit to a gay bar on that warm night in 1995 in Key West, Florida. He'd been lucky. The man who singled him out wasn't there to flush out gay service members. He was just a handsome stranger who liked what he saw and wanted to know Randy better.

[Randy]

It was exhilarating. It was scary. But it was also like didn't scare me away. It didn't freak me out. He was about my age, fit, attractive, you know, nice smile, and just some pleasant personality.

[Eric Marcus]

While they make small talk, Randy finds himself loosening up, maybe even having fun. He orders another Jack Daniels and Coke. They keep chatting, and the man places his hand on Randy's leg. Randy likes the feeling. Before long, they head back to the guy's place, and, well.

[Randy]

I just couldn't get enough, so I went. I just lost my mind. Oh, my gosh. It was so completely natural. There was nothing about it that made me feel like any of it was wrong, you know, or any of it was weird. It just finally felt like something that was like, oh, my gosh, how did I go this long without being this and living this way? I was then rethinking the years of my life prior to that. Like, oh, my gosh, how do you make sense of that?

[Eric Marcus]

Randy had been hoping his solo break in Key west would help him get his head straight.

[Randy]

If I just went down here to the. To the freak show side of town, I would just be so turned off by it that it would end right there, and I would go back and repair our marriage, and we'd go on to the next assignment, have children in a white picket fence.

[Eric Marcus]

That vision of his future had evaporated the moment the attractive stranger touched his leg. Randy knows he has to talk to Martina.

[Randy]

I couldn't fake it. I wanted to. I tried, but I just couldn't fake it. So what we did is we discussed my next assignment and our living arrangements for that. And we decided then at that point to split. And she would live in one state, I would live in another state, and I would provide for her for a certain period of time, and we would just. This would be our next step.

[Eric Marcus]

Randy and Martina file for divorce, but Randy doesn't share the real reason he's leaving the marriage.

[Randy]

The last thing in the world I wanted to do was to hurt her in any way. She didn't deserve that. She gave the marriage her best effort, and she was very sincere about it. All the fault, all the responsibility was 100% on me.

[Eric Marcus]

With the weight of his divorce still hanging over him, Randy needs someone to talk to. Eventually, he confides in his gay baby brother, Brett.

[Randy]

It didn't change anything between us. No big, like, high fives, like, ooh, you know, join the club kind of thing. We didn't like, you know, compare our gay cards or anything like that, but it was like, he didn't seem surprised, and he didn't seem kind of moved in any way by it.

[Eric Marcus]

Though Brett's supportive of Randy's coming out privately, he doesn't really get what the big deal is. He thinks Randy should come out publicly, but he doesn't understand life inside the military is very different from being a civilian.

[Randy]

And he'd say, hey, you know, just, you just, you just got to be yourself. You just got to come out and the military has just got to get over it, you know, because they're wrong and you're right. And the big difference in our perspective on this, I was willing to kind of put my personal comfort and well being aside for the greater good of the military. And in the military mission where Brett really saw it very differently. Brett's life was very much devoted to his personal well being and pleasures and satisfaction. And so he really, really didn't see or understand the need for somebody just to be like a cog and a bigger machine for something like that. It just didn't add up for him.

[Eric Marcus]

Randy explains to Brett he's emphatic his secret must remain secret.

[Randy]

And I'd have to make it clear to Brett that, hey, I cannot be out at work because they will kick me out and I will be discharged disgracefully. Brett had a hard time understanding that. He obviously didn't think that that policy was fairly. But he also thought that I shouldn't put up with it, that I should just then move on to something else. Which I told him I really, really love being a soldier. Or he just thought I should just, you know, just like him, just say what the hell with it and just, I'm here and I'm queer. It was so bizarre to him.

[Eric Marcus]

Randy has no intention of leaving the career he's built in the military. His only option is to live a double life and keep his secret perfectly secret. No one needs to know. No one can know what could go wrong.

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[Randy]

I was very curious on my newfound sexual identity. I mean it was like finding a part of yourself that was always there that you could never just really understand.

[Eric Marcus]

Randy put he persuades himself that he can still enjoy his life as a gay man under don't ask, don't tell as long as he flies under the radar. Remember, he's trained for that. So he draws a line. Nose to the grindstone with his uniform on and a lot of fun with his uniform off.

[Randy]

I was playing fast and loose. I'm sitting the gay bars. I was meeting guys as quickly as I could. I had a lot of making up to do, a lot of oats to sow, a lot of lost time to make up for.

[Eric Marcus]

It's 1997 and Randy takes a trip for some scuba training for fun. Just some time off to hone his skills. A weekend getaway in Greensboro, North Carolina, a town where he can be anonymous. He figures Greensboro's gotta have somewhere he can meet other gay guys. In the pre Internet era, there was one way to find that information. The Spartacus Guide. A glossy thick travel bible. Its cover typically adorned by a fetching, muscular, shirtless young man. It was full of gay friendly places and other spots to meet gay men. At its peak, the Spartacus guide had 1,200 pages and listed 22,000 businesses.

[Randy]

Checked my Spartacus Guide and voila. There was a gay club in town.

[Eric Marcus]

Randy decides to pay a visit. He's not looking for anything serious.

[Randy]

My hormones had kind of like not been put to good use and just probably gone somewhat dormant now they were overdrive.

[Eric Marcus]

He makes his way to a club called Warehouse 29.

[Randy]

It was a warehouse, literal warehouse converted into a dance club. Big speakers, lots of lights and just big party vibe. Big bar.

[Eric Marcus]

It's not long before a young man picks him out of the crowd.

[Randy]

He was about 21, almost getting ready to turn 22 and he's. He spotted me first.

[Opposition Voice 2]

So in 1997 I was just. Just beginning discovering myself. Six months earlier I had accepted that I was gay.

[Eric Marcus]

This is Lucas, the young man who spotted Randy from across the room. He'd found out about the club after a friend discreetly suggested he might like to go There.

[Opposition Voice 2]

He picked up a payphone and dialed the operator. I said, is there a warehouse 29 in Greensboro, north carolina? She said, there is. Would you like the number? And I said, yes. I immediately called them up, and it was about 3 in the afternoon, and someone answered the phone, and I said, what type of business is this? And the gentleman came back. He said, well, we're a dance club. And I said, are you a normal dance club? And he said, well, yes, we're normal. We're so normal that we allow men to dance with men. And I said, are you a gay club? And he said, bingo. Yes, we are.

[Eric Marcus]

Like Randy lucas isn't looking for love.

[Opposition Voice 2]

Being fresh, you know, new on the market. I. I think I was more looking for sex.

[Eric Marcus]

Lucas notices randy right away, who's sitting at the bottom.

[Opposition Voice 2]

He had a drink in his hand. He was wearing a white shirt with a blue collar. Very fit. He definitely filled out his shirt. His arms were tight around the sleeves of the shirt. He had a short haircut, and I've always had a thing for guys with short haircuts. His face was chiseled, and he was wearing jeans. So I couldn't see much. But I had learned that I could kind of judge a body through clothing, and I wanted to see more.

[Eric Marcus]

Lucas walks toward randy, and randy checks him out.

[Randy]

So he was wearing an oversized shirt tucked into oversized pants with a tight belt around a very skinny waist. His clothes seemed a bit baggy, but he was an extremely confident and just beaming personality. Shoulders square, look you in the eye, no hesitancy, very deliberate, and someone that was just very comfortable in his own skin. And I, a few years older than him, was someone who was not even close yet to being comfortable in my own skin. He came up to me and said, do you have the time? I looked down at my watch, and I told him the time. And he sat down at the table right next to me where no one else was. And I was standing there, and I watched him. And he reaches in his pocket and he puts the watch back on his wrist.

[Opposition Voice 2]

And then I went to one of the high tops close to him with my back turned to him and waited for him to come and approach me.

[Randy]

Then I realized, okay, this guy's trying to tell me something.

[Eric Marcus]

Their connection is immediate.

[Opposition Voice 2]

Randy asked me to go to the dance floor. As we were dancing, Randy started unbuttoning my shirt. I know that I was taking my hands and kind of going up his shirt and touching his skin for the first time and realizing that he was as hot and attractive As I thought he was touching his six pack.

[Randy]

Oh, we just had fun. We didn't do a lot of talking.

[Opposition Voice 2]

Randy was the most attractive person that I had ever seen. I was enjoying it. I was absolutely thrilled.

[Randy]

And we just danced and dance and dance. There was just so much energy and there was so much connection.

[Opposition Voice 2]

Your stomach has butterflies in it. You're kind of racing, you don't want it to end. It may be hard for some people to understand, but we danced for hours.

[Randy]

The rhythm of our dance and the movement of our bodies and our experience of the sound in the place, you know, it was just simpatico or something. We're so locked in on each other, like we're the only people in the.

[Eric Marcus]

Room.

[Randy]

And just dancing, vibrating and we couldn't leave each other's sight. And I remember this bar now closing at 2 ish in the morning and all the lights coming on and the, and people leaving and the staff starting to sweep the floors and just down to the last few people. And Lucas and I just couldn't like, couldn't say goodbye. We just didn't want to leave. And I finally asked him, hey, can I kiss you?

[Opposition Voice 2]

And I said yes.

[Randy]

He said yes.

[Opposition Voice 2]

And he leaned over and gave me the most passionate kiss I had ever had in my life.

[Randy]

And it was the most magical like Hollywood kind of kissing moment.

[Opposition Voice 2]

It felt like the kiss lasted for an eternity. It was almost like the music was turned off and the lights were turned off and everyone was gone and the noise of people cleaning up went away and it was just the two of us.

[Randy]

I mean it was like a full on connection. Like each of us were doing like a download, a data download of just our life essence, you know, it was just, it was just, it was just incredible. And I wasn't going to let him out of my sight.

[Opposition Voice 2]

Randy took me back to his hotel room and we had, I guess I would it a fun morning.

[Eric Marcus]

Later that day Randy packs his things ready to head home. But not before buying Lucas a bus ticket so they can be together again as soon as possible. Over the next few months they can't stay away from each other. At Randy's apartment off base, he clears out a set of drawers for Lucas things. Lucas starts hiding animal balloons around the apartment for Randy to discover when he's not there. This whole time they make sure to avoid anyone. Randy knows what they both thought would be a one night stand is quickly evolving into something more, a lot more. And that's a problem.

[Opposition Voice 2]

We were in the kitchen and he came over to me and stood there and he said, I don't want you to say anything, please don't, but there's something I need to tell you. And I said, okay. And he got very quiet. And he said, I really care about you. I care about you more than I would have ever believed I would care about you. And I really think we have something.

[Randy]

This is not something I can find the right words to describe, but I knew then we would spend our life together. This was just like. It was a certainty.

[Opposition Voice 2]

He said, you know, I'm a soldier, and I'm a soldier first, and I can't promise that you're always going to come first. My job is going to have to come first. Soldiers don't stay put. They go away. And I didn't fully understand what that meant because Randy and I had never had a conversation about when his time was going to come to an end.

[Randy]

I said, you know, I've got to go away to Egypt for a year, and of course it's don't ask, don't tell, and we've got to keep this under wraps for indefinitely.

[Opposition Voice 2]

And I went, wow. He said, you know, don't worry. I'm only going to be there for a year, and at the end of the year, I'll look you up. And I went, can I come? And he went, what? I said, can I come with you? And he goes, maybe you can't live where I'm at, but maybe you could live somewhere else.

[Randy]

Lucas didn't skip a beat. He said, okay, you're going. So what? I'm going with you. It was like, we're in love and we're going to be together, and I don't care where you go, we're going to be together. So giddy up. We got to figure it out.

[Eric Marcus]

If Randy thought he could keep these two parts of himself separate, the soldier and the gay man, he's about to find out just how wrong he is. Lucas is going with him. Coming up on Unfit for Service.

[Randy]

We were blinded by love, and the love became more important than the risk and the consequence.

[Opposition Voice 2]

I am in a foreign country, and the only person I know I don't know how to get in touch with, and I don't know if I will ever hear from him again.

[Randy]

And I look up in the sky where the sun is high directly overhead, and now vultures are circling overhead and their numbers are growing. I'm thinking, this is like a movie. This is like a really bad scene in the movie.

[Eric Marcus]

Unfit for Service is a production of Waveland and Vespucci and is hosted by me, Eric Marcus. For Waveland, the executive producer is Jason Hoke. For Vespucci, the executive producers are Daniel Turkin and Johnny Galvin. The series producer is Rachel Byrne. The story editors are Matt Willis and Thomas Curry with additional script editing by Sara Burningham. Thomas Curry is the Managing producer. Audio recording by Katherine Cook at CDM Sound Studios. Sound design by Arlie Adlington and Alex Portfelix Audio mix by Alex Portfelix. Follow Waveland on Instagram at Waveland Media. If you love the show, please don't forget to leave a review and make sure you tell your friend thanks for listening.

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[Eric Marcus]

Good Burger.

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