Breaking Free from Toxicity (feat. Ashley Taylor-Maland)

Summary

Unlocked with Savannah Chrisley: Episode Summary

Episode Title: Breaking Free from Toxicity (feat. Ashley Taylor-Maland)
Host/Author: PodcastOne
Release Date: March 4, 2025

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Introduction and Trigger Warning

Kaitlyn Bristowe opens the episode by issuing a trigger warning for listeners who have experienced abuse or are on their healing journey. She introduces Ashley Taylor-Maland, highlighting her rise to prominence through a viral TikTok video that inspired Kaitlyn to invite her onto the podcast.

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Ashley’s Journey Through Toxic Relationships

Timestamp: [00:50]

Ashley shares her personal history with abusive relationships, beginning with her first serious relationship at a young age. She recounts enduring an abusive partnership that plagued her early adulthood, leading to further turmoil in subsequent relationships.

"I keep choosing people that don't love me, they don't care about me, they're abusive mentally, emotionally, verbally. And I keep sticking it out with them because I don't have the self-worth to know I deserve better."
— Ashley Taylor-Maland [02:30]

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The Viral TikTok and Its Unexpected Impact

Timestamp: [05:25]

After her divorce, Ashley began creating TikTok videos to encourage others facing similar struggles. One emotionally charged video, created shortly after a painful breakup, unexpectedly went viral, amassing over 500,000 views in just three hours. Initially embarrassed and intending to delete it, Ashley decided to keep the video after realizing it was helping others.

"There were so many people, like, I needed to hear this. Oh, my God. Thank you so much."
— Ashley Taylor-Maland [06:08]

This surge in attention catapulted her into the spotlight, allowing her to share her story widely and connect with a larger audience.

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Healing Through Therapy and Self-Discovery

Timestamp: [07:38]

Ashley discusses the aftermath of her divorce, which served as a catalyst for her deep healing journey. She admits that her unresolved trauma was affecting her mental health and relationships, leading her to seek therapy and confront her past.

"You can't get into a healthy relationship with someone when you're that broken."
— Ashley Taylor-Maland [08:45]

Through therapy, Ashley began to understand the impact of her trauma, including a traumatic experience of sexual assault at 24, which she had not previously addressed.

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Confronting Sexual Assault and Its Long-Term Effects

Timestamp: [16:18]

Ashley bravely opens up about her sexual assault at 24, a subject she hadn't publicly addressed until recent years. She describes the lasting emotional and psychological scars, including feelings of shame and self-blame that hindered her healing process.

"I felt disgusting. Like, I felt so embarrassed by what had happened to me, even though it happened to me and there was nothing... it was out of my control."
— Ashley Taylor-Maland [16:43]

Through extensive therapy, Ashley began to process and heal from this trauma, which previously left her emotionally numb and robotic in her interactions.

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Breaking Free and Empowering Others

Timestamp: [21:02]

Ashley emphasizes the importance of seeking help immediately after experiencing abuse and encourages others to share their stories to combat shame and isolation.

"Get help immediately. Like, get therapy immediately. Tell someone you love that you're close to immediately."
— Ashley Taylor-Maland [21:02]

She discusses her commitment to encouraging others to avoid unhealthy relationships, choose themselves, and recognize their own value.

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Current Status and Future Goals

Timestamp: [25:47]

Having spent the past year and a half focusing on her personal healing, Ashley shares her current state of well-being and her plans to continue supporting others. She aims to build a community where people can encourage and support one another through similar struggles.

"My entire goal for my entire life, for the rest of my life, is to just keep encouraging women and men to avoid unhealthy relationships and to find themselves and to choose themselves and to invest in themselves and to know their value."
— Ashley Taylor-Maland [28:00]

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Advice for Those Struggling to Break Free

Timestamp: [30:21]

Ashley offers practical advice for individuals struggling to leave toxic relationships:

• Accept the Pain: Understand that both leaving and staying in an abusive relationship involve pain, but leaving offers hope for a better future.
• Recognize Red Flags: Educate yourself on the signs of an unhealthy relationship to avoid falling back into harmful patterns.
• Invest in Self-Healing: Focus on personal growth and self-worth to build healthier relationships moving forward.

"Get comfortable with it being painful in that moment... It hurts to stay, and it hurts leaving. But at least when you leave, it's a temporary pain because there is hope on the other side of that."
— Ashley Taylor-Maland [30:21]

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Connecting with Ashley Taylor-Maland

For those inspired by Ashley’s story and seeking further support, she can be followed on various social media platforms:

• Website: thisiswhereweheal.com
• TikTok, Instagram, Facebook: AshleyTaylorMayland

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Conclusion

Ashley Taylor-Maland’s episode on Breaking Free from Toxicity serves as a powerful testament to the strength of the human spirit and the importance of self-worth. Her candid discussions on trauma, healing, and empowerment offer invaluable insights for listeners navigating similar challenges, embodying the essence of Savannah Chrisley’s mission to inspire authenticity and growth through difficult conversations.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• On Choosing Self-Worth Over Toxicity:

  "You have to take a stand for yourself. Even when it hurts to let go, take a stand for yourself and walk away."
  — Ashley Taylor-Maland [01:12]

• On the Impact of Trauma:

  "You can't get into a healthy relationship with someone when you're that broken."
  — Ashley Taylor-Maland [08:45]

• On Empathy and Healing:

  "Get comfortable with it being painful in that moment... It hurts to stay, and it hurts leaving. But at least when you leave, it's a temporary pain because there is hope on the other side of that."
  — Ashley Taylor-Maland [30:21]

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This episode of Unlocked with Savannah Chrisley not only sheds light on Ashley Taylor-Maland’s personal struggles and triumphs but also serves as a beacon of hope for anyone striving to break free from toxicity and embrace a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Transcript

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

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[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Welcome back to this week's episode of Unlocked. Today is, first off, I want to give, like, a little trigger warning because I always. I've. I never do this. I think just because I'm so used to trauma that I'm like, oh, normal. But it's so just a little trigger warning. If you have endured any kind of abuse in your life, sexual abuse, domestic violence, this may not be the episode for you. Or if you're on your healing journey and think this could help you, this could actually be the episode for you. So I want to introduce Ashley Taylor Mayland. Welcome.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Thank you.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And for people, you may recognize her, you may not. You may be like, where do I know that face from? Well, I saw her on TikTok and her TikTok went viral, and that's where I reached out to her and was like, I have to have you on my podcast. I want to hear your story. So I'm going to play the TikTok that I came across that inspired me to have her on.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

You're gonna have to do what's best for you. Even when it feels like you have to understand that what you tolerate and allow in your life is what you will get. When someone shows you who they are, when someone shows you that they don' I don't care. When someone manipulates you, when someone is back and forth with you, hot and cold with you, whatever the circumstances may be, walk away, do what you have to do. And it's not gonna feel good. It's gonna hurt. Because there's a bond there. There's some sort of bond there. I understand. But you have to. You have to. You can't continue to let people walk and stomp all over your heart and make you feel badly about your are unhealed. You can't do it. It's not fair to you. It's not even fair to them. Take a stand for yourself. Even when it hurts to let go, Take a stand for yourself and walk away.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

So can you tell us what inspired that?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I can. So I'm going to give you a little bit of a backstory first so that it makes more sense. But my first relationship that I. My first serious relationship, I was very young, and it ended up being a very abusive Relationship. And I was also then. And I'm just going to graze over that for a second so I can get to the point of the video.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

As much backstory as you want to give.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Okay? And I will, I'll do that too. But When I was 24, I was sexually assaulted. Never. I never went and got therapy. I never did any of those things. And then I got married and I realized many years into my marriage, all of these things were starting to get triggered. And I didn't know why. But long story short, I ended up getting divorced. And that video I made right after I had just started dating again and realizing that I had this pattern of choosing abusive people. Like, it was just for some reason and I didn't know why. I didn't even realize it for a long time. But I kept picking the same kind of people for relationships. And that was like the moment that I realized I have to start choosing myself. Like, I keep choosing people that don't love me, they don't care about me, they're abusive mentally, emotionally, verbally. And I keep sticking it out with them because I don't have the self worth to know I deserve better. And so that was right after a breakup where I broke up with someone. I didn't even want to break up with him. Even though he was. All the red flags were there and he was not a very kind or good person. I still didn't want to break up with him, but I knew I had to. I knew I had to.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Why would. What was holding you back from breaking up with him?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Because I. One, I had never healed any of the trauma from any of the previous relationships. Two, I didn't know any different. That was. I really hadn't ever had like a truly healthy whole relationship. But I knew I deserved more. I just didn't know how to accept more. And it was hard for me to break up with him because the addiction was so intense to him. Like the ups and the downs, the hot and the cold, which is very psychological. We don't even realize how psychological that is.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

More in when he was good, he.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Was great, amazing, and I loved that. And it was fun and it was passionate and all these things. And I wanted all of those things, but I wanted it with somebody who actually gave it about me, you know? And so that was like my first time, like going, I have to like, stand up for myself. I have to know who I am and what I want. I have to walk away from these things that constantly hurt me, these relationships that are hurting me so that I Can have better so that I can and actually enjoy a relationship that's healthy. And it took a lot of work, and I've been working on it ever since. That was like, two years ago now, but.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And so when you did that video, like, I mean, it went viral, I think, like, 30 million people. Something crazy.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

How quickly did that happen and what were you feeling when you saw that happening?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

So I had been making TikTok videos a little bit at right after my divorce, just, like, kind of trying to encourage people with the things that I probably needed to hear and just the things that I was experiencing. And that video I made that day, I was so upset, like, fresh into the breakup, like, just so upset. And I remember I made it just like I would any of my others. And then within like an hour, I was like, I got to go delete that because I was crying, and I was really embarrassed that I was crying. I'm like, nobody likes to see someone crying.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Normally when people cry, they look crazy on social media. So you looked like. You still looked, like, very peaceful and gorgeous. And so, you know, Well, I felt embarrassed.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I was like, oh, my God, that's the last thing I need to do is post a video of me crying for the whole world. Disease. So I immediately went like, an hour later, I was like, I'm going to delete it. So I went to go delete it, and it had over a hundred thousand views in an hour. And I was like, what is going on? So I kept it. I was like, I'll just keep it for a couple more hours and just see what happens. And then, like, within, like three hours, it was like 500,000 views. And it just. The whole week, it just kept going and going because I kept telling myself, oh, I'll delete it when? And I just. I kept seeing it grow and grow. But the reason why I left it was because of the comments. There were so many people, like, I needed to hear this. Oh, my God, thank you so much. And I was like, oh, my God. Like, I can't delete this. Like, it's actually helping people that I had no idea that it would help. And so I decided to leave it. And then, yeah, it just. That catapulted everything on social media for me.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Wow. Yeah. I mean, I saw it and I was like, oh, my. And I think the first time I saw it, it was like I was going through some shit too. And I'm like, it's exactly what you need to hear. And even when it's tough, it can still be the right decision. And so when you were going through, I guess now, like, going back to the beginning of your story of you were sexually assaulted, you have endured this abuse. What was this final straw to where you were like, I have to get help for the things I've gone through.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

My divorce really opened my eyes, just seeing that I immediately went from being unhappy in a marriage and leaving to more toxic relationships. I knew, like, I have to heal this. I have to. I'm gonna have to go back because these things are affecting my decisions now. They're affecting my relationships now.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

You have to live life in reverse sometimes.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yes. And I didn't want to, but I knew that I'm just gonna end up married and divorced again. I'm not gonna end, and I'm gonna end up in another toxic relation, another abusive relationship. These relationships are going to look the same until I do the work to know that I actually want and deserve better. And so I did. I got into therapy after my divorce. All of it was being triggered in the marriage, but it was after the divorce where I really had to sit with it by myself and just like, okay, this is here, and I don't feel valuable. I don't feel worthy. I don't like myself that much. I don't feel like there's a purpose for my life. Sometimes I don't even want to be here. And I have to heal those parts of me. Because you can't get into a healthy relationship with someone when you're that broken. Like, you can't even see healthy for what it is.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Yeah. And you have to, in a way, take accountability for why I'm at where I'm at.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And it's not even that you did. Everything had been done to you.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

But then you got so comfortable and just living in it that you're like, all right, I've got to get out.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Like, you have to kind of take yourself out of the situation and kind of look.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Over it and say, like, what? I want this for my child. And the answer is no.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, exactly. And that was the other thing. I have a daughter, and I thought to myself, I don't ever want her to look at my relationships and then be unhealthy and her to think that's what it's supposed to look like. I can't let her become a teenager and an adult and end up in the same types of relationships I'm in because it's what she saw and thought was normal. Like, I can't let that happen. She deserves to see me happy. So she knows that she deserves to be happy, too. And so that was a big motivator. And there were times in the last couple years where I really was fairly suicidal. And just like, when you do the deep shadow work, you have to go so far in there, and it's hard.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

You have to start from day one, which is. A lot of people aren't prepared for that. Like, if you don't have the right team around you, it's not a good thing to do. And so when you started that process, did you have a team around you?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Did you at the time? I did not. I did not. I acquired people over the last couple of years that have ended up being, like, such a foundational presence in my life, like one of my friends here. But at that point, in the beginning of it, I didn't have that. Like, I. My family and I were a bit estranged at the time because I was getting divorced, and that wasn't what anyone wanted for me. And so it was kind of a struggle. And I had to have grace for them and their beliefs and understanding of that. But also know that, like, I have to do this for me, and it's not gonna make sense to you, and I hate that. And I hate that it's, you know, gonna put a wedge in our relationship, but I'm still gonna do it.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

That had to have been extremely difficult.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And I've. There's so. I hear so many stories of people in that same space and people who then don't even go forward with a divorce because of their family.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And what advice would you give people who are in that space?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Well, look, I. I'm not, like, everyone needs to get a divorce. Like, if you're unhappy, just get divorced. Like, I fully believe in commitment and, you know, working through the hard times. But I also think that sometimes we do marry the wrong person. And I know that that's not like, a very, you know, like, I'm a Christian. I grew up.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

It's not a popular opinion.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

It's not a popular opinion. I get that. And that's okay. And maybe I'm wrong, and maybe I'm not. I think sometimes we do marry the wrong person for us. And when you have done absolutely everything, you know how to do, like, every possible thing that is on the table to make something work, and it's still not working, I think it's okay to say, okay, like, I'm going to choose myself now. And, you know, and the problem is, too. And I think you can relate to this, and many Women can relate to some men, too. But when you have given everything you can and none of it has worked and you have lost yourself entirely, you finally just get to a point where you either just give up on life and yourself, or you have to make the choice to go. Okay, I don't know what this is gonna look like. It's gonna suck, it's gonna hurt, it's gonna be hard. I'm gonna have to figure this out by myself. And I may have no support system, but I deserve to at least try. I deserve to at least see what life could possibly look like if I just tried. And ch.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

You know, and what did that process from, like, the day, I guess, you filed for divorce, like, what did that process look like for you of having a family who didn't necessarily support that decision just due to their own beliefs?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Right.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And then, I mean, how did you do it?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I just went at it alone and I accepted that I was going to have to do it alone. And I just, I told myself, you know what? There's something good in this. Like, I was a people pleaser my entire life. I was codependent my entire life in friendships and romantic relationships and family dynamics. Like, I depended on others for approval, to be who I am and to do what I wanted to do. And so I just, I finally had to go, okay, you know what? This is actually a good thing. I get to live my life on my own terms now. And it's going to get lonely, it's going to be painful, it's going to be hard. But if I don't have anyone else to rely on, I'm going to have to learn to rely on myself. And it was actually probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Honestly, that I love that. I say, like, you learn some of your biggest life lessons in the worst of times. Yeah, like, you just, you find out what you're capable of and you see the things that you've always needed to see. And sometimes it just takes that really tough thing it does. This episode of Unlocked is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Shifting a little money here, a little there, and hoping it all works out well. With the name your price tool from Progressive, you can be a better budgeter and potentially lower your insurance bill, too. You tell Progressive what you want to pay for car insurance and they'll help you find options within your budget. Try it [e-mail] progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates price and coverage match limited by state law not Available in all states. What is something. If you could. Like, if I'm you two, three years ago, what is something you would say to yourself then?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, that's good. I would say it's not going to look anything like you think it is, but every single part of this journey is creating who you're meant to be. You'll find your purpose in it. You'll find your strength in it. You'll find the resilience that you didn't know you had in it. And you will become something way more than you ever even knew you. You were valuable enough to be. Like. I genuinely didn't have any of that confidence, but I do now. Like, I feel really good about where I am, and I'm still working on it. We're all a work in progress. We're always learning and healing and growing. And that's just life. It'll always look that way. But I know that I've changed in the decisions I make and the way I respond to the difficult things now, and I feel really good about that.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

I love that. I think, too, it's just the living life in reverse. Like, you have to. It's one of those things, especially through therapy, you learn, like, you have to live life in reverse in order to go forward. And so where would you say you're at now in that living life in reverse process? Have you started your living life forward or 100%?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I would say the last two years, I was in the reverse part. Having to go back, having to sit with the really, really hard, uncomfortable stuff, to be honest, and I don't know if anyone really knows this, I didn't even consider my sexual assault. Sexual assault for years because I couldn't even think about it. I couldn't even allow myself to go back and think about it. So for a long time, it was just kind of an ordeal that happened.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

I can't imagine how, like, invalidating that was for you.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

It was. It was. It was because. And anyone who's a survivor of that knows there is so much shame. Like, I felt disgusting. Like, I felt so embarrassed by what had happened to me, even though it happened to me and there was nothing, you know, it was out of my control. Like, I. So for so long, I couldn't even. I couldn't think about it. I couldn't sit with it.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

How old were you when that happened?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I was 24.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

24?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Okay.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

It was. I'll talk about it. I've never talked about this publicly.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

You don't feel like you have to?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

No, I Don't. I don't. But I think it's important for young girls especially, like, because I was my, you know, 24 in the college age years. I met this guy who's a foreign exchange student. He was amazing. I thought it was so fun. We went out, we had drinks. Another thing I blamed myself for was drinking and putting myself in that position, which is one of the things that people always say. And anyway, we went out, went to a party or so it was supposed to be a party, and there ended up being no one there. And at that point I was, like, trapped. And I kept trying to get away and leave. And he just. Yeah, at some point, just held me down and, you know, that was that. But I remember leaving that night. It was like the middle of the night. I walked home and I remember just, like, just being in shock. I was in shock.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Yeah.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

And I never thought about it or talked about it again for. Until, like, probably the last couple years in therapy. Like, I just didn't. It was just one of those things that I was just like, I can't even, like, mentally or emotionally keep going if I don't just put it here and just not ever think about it again.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And when you did that, did you. Did you feel like part of you, in a way, like, just died?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, 100%.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And then you're just operating out of this, like, robotic.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yes.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Kind of way throughout life.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I literally, after that, I just, like, I stopped dating. I just completely, like, separated myself from men for a long time, which makes sense. It wasn't an intentional thing. I just kind of.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Your body, it's. Yeah, your body keeps the score. Like, your body just automatically does things that you don't understand why it's doing what it's doing. But it's your body's way of protecting itself, which is totally normal and totally. Your body has to protect. That's what your body was put here for, was to protect yourself.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's right. It totally is. Yeah. So, yeah, I think that.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And how old are you now?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

38.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

38. Okay. So that happened at 24. So it took you a while too. And would you say that. And obviously won't go too much into it, but that had a negative impact on your marriage and how you reacted and did certain things.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. Because there's so much there, like, you don't realize, like you had said, you don't understand the effects of the trauma on your body and your mind and your psyche.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Oh, there's an actual study, and I forgot what it's called. But you go, it's like this testing and you go through and you answer all these questions and it's like, have you ever been sexually abused? Have you ever had any, like, verbal abuse, a parent, incarcerated? All these different, like, little questions that ask you. And if you answer yes to X amount of questions, you're more likely to have Alzheimer's, you're more likely to suffer from diabetes, from all these like, ish true health problems within your body, more likely to have cancer, more likely, like trauma actually does affect your body at a cellular level.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

It really does. Yeah. It's incredible. Yeah. And I think that was what happened with me too. I just, I never sat with it, I never dealt with it. It was in my body all those years. And so all of a sudden I just, I started getting extremely depressed, extremely anxious, not even knowing what the correlation was. Struggling in my marriage, struggling to connect with people. And yeah, it just, it wasn't until, like I said a couple years ago in therapy and then having to sit with all those things where I was like, oh my God, like, and I feel like a different person. Yeah, like, I feel lighter, I feel happier, I feel more joyful, I feel less afraid. I feel a little bit more trusting in some scenarios and like, than I did for so long. Like, I don't feel like I'm completely just closed off.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And what would you say, what advice would you give to a woman or girl that finds herself in the same position you were at at 24?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Get help immediately. Like, get therapy immediately. Tell someone you love that you're close to immediately. Like, don't, don't keep it to yourself. And also don't let the shame of it keep you from telling your story. And, and don't let the shame of it keep you from ever finding love again too, because that can happen as well.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Like, and I think too, just the most, the amount of sexual assaults that are unreported. I mean, it's astronomical because so many women are afraid to go to the police to say this happened to me, because that can be a very traumatic experience as well. Yeah. And, and has, did the person that did it to you, have you had your moment of kind of taking your power back with that person?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's a really good question. And I, I don't know, I don't even remember his name. Like, I, I, I remembered like, oh, I don't know, a year ago or so I started thinking about that and I was like, I wonder where that person ever went. Or he was from Ireland. And so I imagine he's back there now, and I couldn't tell you anything about him. I. It's like.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And that is totally normal.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Is that is once again, like, your body's way of protecting yourself?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Is just mentally and emotionally just blocking everything out?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, for sure.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Wow.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. It is a wild, wild thing. But I. In some ways, and I don't know what the right answer is for this, because I've seen women that have come out, like, many years later, and of course, there's always the people, like, if that really happened, why didn't they say it a long time ago? Well, there's a lot of reasons why, but. But for me, I don't know that it would empower me at this point in my life. I would rather, now that I've sat with it and healed from it, I don't want to go back. And I'm not saying that's what every woman should do. I always advocate, if something ever happened for you and you feel like that's what you need, do it. Turn him in. And I wish I could turn him in. I don't even know his last name. You know, like.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Like in that moment. And that's the biggest thing is, like, call anyone that this happens to. Like, something happens to you. Go to the police. Turn them in. Like, obviously, you're more likely to get punishment for that person when you do it in the moment. And there is evidence and there's. And unfortunately, that's so unfortunate because it's like, when. If you don't do it that moment, the chances. The studies and stats show the chances of being able to convict someone of that is very slim.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Very, very slim. Even in the moment. A lot of the times, if it's not, like, irrefutable, a lot of times nothing will happen either. And I think a lot of women have went forward but didn't receive the response that they thought they would get in a moment like that, where they thought, oh, I can go to the cops and I'm gonna be fine. They went and were questioned, like, thoroughly questioned, when they were already sitting in a traumatizing moment of something that's happened to them. And so it can be really difficult to go forward as well. But I do still think you should try, like, if you can.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Yeah. Cause I think, too. And it's like you said, you're like, I don't even know if that would do anything for me at the place you're at now. I've heard so many people that have, whether they've gotten an apology or they've confronted the person and they're like, I thought it was gonna do all these things, and I thought I was gonna leave feeling like I'm on top of the world. And they're like, I've left feeling angrier than when I went in because I didn't do what I thought it was gonna do.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I can say with my abuser when I was young, I don't think it would make any difference to me if he apologized or said sorry or, you know, reached out. I wouldn't even really want to respond. Like, there's nothing. I have healed so thoroughly from that. At this point, there's no need for me to ever open that door again or get any sort of. I don't even know what the word would be. Validation, I guess that acknowledgement that what he did was awful. Like, I don't think it would even do anything for me anymore. I actually kind of feel sympathy for him, really.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Wow. But that's. And to see, like, how far you've come in that. Isn't it such a crazy thing to, like, look at where you were then versus now?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And the things you're able to say.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And so where would you say now, like, relationally with. Because so many women, men, people find themselves just dating the same person over and over again with just similar traits, or where do you find yourself now in that phase of, like, breaking the cycle of the people that you have relationships with?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, well, I took a long time away from it. I. It's been like, a year and a half now of just, like, fully investing in myself and my healing, and I needed that. And I think. I think that there is healing work that can only be done in a season of solitude, and then there's healing work that can only be done when you get back into relationships that are healthy for you. And I'll get there, I'm sure, but I'm not worried about it right now. I will say that for, like, anyone who's listening, and they're just like, I'm broken. I keep ending up in these toxic relationships. I do think that is the moment when you have to step back from it and you have to get to the core of it, because ultimately, getting abused is not your fault. But you get a choice to stay in those relationships or not. It is your choice to stay or go. And you have to know the signs. Like, first of all, you have to know what the red flags are. I didn't know what those were when.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

I was younger because those were normal to you.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yes, they were normal to me. I had no idea. Now I do. So going into a relationship now is going to look very different for me. You know, I'm not going to interrogate someone, but I also see the signs and I go, oh, you know what? I'm actually not interested.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

I'm good.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I'm good, actually. Thank you. Versus before, it was like a curiosity of like, oh, that was weird that they did that. I wonder why. Maybe something bad happened to them or maybe I triggered them or maybe I did something wrong.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

You know, you took on responsibility for things 100% that were not for you to take responsibility for.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

And now it's like, no, no, I'm a pretty decent person. And so, you know, that little thing you just did a minute ago is. It's just not something I want in a relationship. And it's not personal. I'm just not going to go down that road. But also, just getting comfortable with being alone and getting so sure of who you are, what you want, but also what you need to feel loved, I think is really, really important.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

I love that. And so what would. What is next on your journey of. Because obviously you've gotten a lot of social media attention and followers and just. Because your truth has truly helped so many people along their journey. So what is next for you in that?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Honestly, my entire goal for my entire life, for the rest of my life, is to just keep encouraging women and men to avoid unhealthy relationships and to find themselves and to choose themselves and to invest in themselves and to know their value. And that's all I want to do. I don't know what that's going to look like. I'm not sure I care as long as it's helping someone else. My story and my journey, as long as people are breaking free from toxicity and abusive relationships and finding grace for themselves in divorce because of the status quo of that, I. That's all I hope for. And I. I hope it builds something incredible and we'll see where God takes it. I don't know, but that's my goal. I want to build a community of people that can encourage each other and support one another and give each other that grace and love that they needed, you know?

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Well, that's what I say. It was like, Dr. Cohen, who came on right before you, we were talking about just how we're all. There's this artist who did the sculpture, and it was. I had told him that you have these two adults that are, like, sitting back to back in the sculpture, and then inside of them are two children, like, fighting to get out. And so it's like, we all have that inner child that has gone through trauma and abuse and whatever it may be. And the sooner we realize that about each other, the more empathy and grace you can have for each other.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, so true.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And that's just really where. I just think that's what this is all about, is in your story and your videos, and it just gives people that little bit. You're being what you wish you would have had.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yes, 100%. Yeah, 100%.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And I, like, that's why when I saw your video, I was like, I have got to. I was like, I have to have her on here. I was like, I feel like so many people need to hear this. People need to hear your story and what you've gone through and that there is life on the other side.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

There is.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Because there's no way you could have imagined your life being what it is now.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

10 years ago. No. If you had told me even two years ago, I've been like, you're insane. Like, that is not what this is gonna look like.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And so what advice would you give people who are just struggling to get out that get.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Get comfortable with it being painful in that moment? Accept the pain. Accept that it's gonna hurt right now. Like, it's so hard to break free from those patterns. It is so hard to step outside of addictive relationships and talk toxic relationships and truly dive into yourself because you have to sit in the hurt and the pain and the unworthiness that you feel. You. But it hurts no matter what. It hurts to stay, and it hurts leaving. But at least when you leave, it's a temporary pain because there is hope. On the other side of that, when you stay in an abusive relationship, there is no hope. It doesn't change. It doesn't get better. Like, that pain continues.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Yes, you have to live with, but at least when you leave, you have uncertainty.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yes.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

And there are times where I bet uncertainty is more comfortable than knowing what's coming next.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, you can't heal in an abusive relationship, but you can heal when finally get out of one.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

I love that. So where can people follow you and, like, follow along your story and your journey? And.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, so I have a website, thisiswhereweheal.com that is also the name of my podcast. This is where we heal. Not dot com, but. And then Ashley Taylor Mayland on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, so M A L A N D. I know.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

I was like, how do I say this.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

There's not a y my land, but it's Mayland. But it's like my land, so. Ashley Taylor Mayland. Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Well, thank you for like making the trip.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

On the podcast and just your story is, I feel like can change millions of people's lives.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I hope so. I hope so.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

Well, thank you.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

All right.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I may not be as funny as Nikki Laser.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

I want to pitch a series of, like, calendars where men are just crying in a therapist office or punching a pillow and working out their anger towards their dad.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

But I do have my moments. I actually have full conversations with the moon. Yes. I try to keep it pretty balanced on this podcast. A little fun dance between comedy therapy, self medicating. Oh, and sorry if you haven't guessed. Hi, I'm Kaitlyn Bristowe, host of off the vine podcast, where we like to just keep things loose and keep them raw and keep them real. Like when we have listeners call in and give confessions and then that glass.

[Kaitlyn Bristowe]

The wine progressed into me becoming a unicorn for them, so.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

But we do, and I promise you this, try to keep it honest and vulnerable. So jump on the wagon, not off. Grab your favorite bottle of wine, preferably spade and sparrows, and join the vinos. Have yourself a time. The off the vine podcast is available wherever you get your podcasts. Pluto TV has all the shows and movies you love streaming for free. That means laughter is free with gut. But comedies like the Neighborhood Boomerang and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Bueller Mystery is free with countless cases to crack from Criminal Minds Tracker and Matlock. I'm a lawyer like the old TV show. And thrills are free with heart pumping hits like the Walking Dead and Pulp Fiction. Correctamundo. Feel the free Pluto TV stream now pay. Never. Most people would rather remove a nest of irate hornets than search for auto and home insurance. That's why the zebra searches for you. Comparing over 100 insurance companies needs to find savings no one else can compare. Today at thezebra. Com, I think I'll wait inside.