← Unlocked with Savannah Chrisley
Loading summary
Transcript138 lines
- [00:00]
Taylor
McCrispy strips are now at McDonald's. Tender, juicy and its own sauce. Would you look at that? Well, you can't see it, but trust.
- [00:08]
C
Me, it looks delicious.
- [00:10]
Taylor
New McCrispy strips now at McDonald's. We got home from that trip, and that was pretty much we kind of knew we can't really go out anymore after this. She was, you know, the collarbones were starting to stick out, and she was just very skinny. And, I mean, you can imagine throwing up 10 times a day for six months, what that'll do to your esophagus. And. Yeah. And so, you know, I was trying to be the best caregiver I could be. I'd really locked in on being with her 24 7. You know, I never left her side. I wanted to not have any regrets. I wanted every second I could with her, but I was exhausted because we didn't have any in home care. It was me doing it with her parents that were able to help me and her sister, and they were a great help. So July, let's see, July 12, which is a Wednesday, I woke her up. She went to bed that night. Never went to the bathroom. Typically, I got to help get her up, help her go to the bathroom. Never went to the bathroom. Slept till, like, 11am Sister came over to see her. She wasn't awake. And I said, well, I'm going to wake her up, since you're here. So I go and I wake her up, and she doesn't know where she's at. So I calm her down. She finally gets her bearings where she's at. Bring her in the living room. She's talking with her sister, but just can't seem to stay awake, wanting to fall asleep. Her sister leaves for some appointment she had. And I told Haley, I said, why don't you let me help you to the bathroom? You probably need to go. So I get her in there, and she cannot go. Spends like, 30 minutes on the toilet trying to go to the bathroom. Can't make it happen. And so I pick her up and put her in her wheelchair. And I think that energy she exerted from doing that, like, set her over the edge. And she had this, like, episode that still sticks in my head, and I was, like, freaking out. And so I called the hospice nurse, and I was telling her what was going on. And she said, okay, she's very close. I'm headed that way. And so I wheel her into the living room. Weston's coloring in his playroom, and she just, like, goes limp, and I, like. I scoop her up like a baby, you know, And I'm holding her like this, and I, like, fall to the ground, and I'm, you know, screaming out and crying. I'm like, don't. Don't go like this. I can't do this. And. And, yeah, I think she's literally dying in my arms. And I was able to pick her up, and I set her in her chair, and she, like, all of a sudden just comes to, like, totally wakes up. And she's like, why are you crying? And I'm like. I'm like, you know, I'm, like, speechless. She's like, I'm thirsty. Can I have some water? And I'm like, do you remember anything from the last hour? She's like, I've just been in my chair. And then I was, like, really seeing the signs, you know, she's very lethargic, falling asleep, you know, And Weston watched this whole episode where I'm, like, holding her, and. And he runs in there, and he's watching his father hold his mother. And he had to witness that. And so luckily, he had a science camp to go to. So my mom came over, picked him up, took him to camp, and Haley was still fighting to stay awake. And hospice nurse comes, and I call up my pastor, who I was supposed to meet with already that day because I needed to talk about, you know, I was struggling. And I called him up, and I said, hey, I can't meet today, but can you come pray at my house? It's right at the end. And he said, I'll be there. And he was there in, like, five minutes because he runs a Bible. Little Bible study in his home. And me and Haley were a part of that. So he's, like, a really good friend of ours.
- [04:26]
Haley
Yeah.
- [04:28]
Taylor
And he comes in, and Haley always. The last year, she said, when I die, I want to die in my chair, surrounded by the people that I love. That's how I want to die. She's in her chair, and it's my mom and the hospice nurse. And I called her parents. They were coming back from the lake house. They were up there for something, so they're headed to come to my house. So it's my mom, me, Haley's friend Julia, Ms. Sharon, who's like a second mom to Haley, and then me and Pastor Daniel, Lumpy. And she's asleep. And so we're praying over her, and, you know, that God welcomes her into his kingdom and all that. And she kind of comes to, and she's looking around, and she's in her Chair surrounded by people she loves. And so she's thinking she's dying right there. So she starts panicking. She's like, it's happening, isn't it? This is it. This is. This is the end, isn't it? And I'm like. We're all like, shh, shh, shh. You know, it's okay. Everything's fine. We just wanted to sit with you. That's all. You know, because we want her to be calm.
- [05:48]
Haley
Yeah.
- [05:49]
Taylor
Because she was terrified of death. Terrified.
- [05:53]
Haley
Well, you should be.
- [05:53]
Taylor
Yeah.
- [05:54]
Haley
At her age.
- [05:55]
Taylor
Totally scared, you know, because typically when you die later in your life, you have a lot of family to go see. Well, she's, like, one of the first, you know, that's scary. So I realize I need to go get Weston because he's got to say his goodbyes to his mother before she can't talk anymore. So I go up to the church, and I grab him from camp. Come home. Everyone steps outside so we can have a private moment. And I just sat him next to his mother, and she was sleeping. And I just told her. I said, you know how Daddy has always told you that Mommy was going to go be with Jesus? He's like, yeah. And I said, well, I think it's going to happen really soon. And. And he's like, now? Right now? And I was like, no, she's sleeping. But I think Jesus is going to come very soon. I said, I want you to know that it's nothing that you did, that you are an amazing son and there's nothing you did wrong. She's here because of you. She's lived this long because of you. You've saved her. And I want you to know that, you know, like, you mean everything to her and don't ever blame yourself. And I said, daddy is, you know, losing his best friend, and I'm going to need help. You know, it's just going to be me and you, and I'm going to be learning, and I'm going to need help, and we're going to lean on each other. And I just want you to know that your mother is very proud of who you are and always know that. And, you know, he kind of, like, knew, understood, but didn't, you know?
- [07:51]
Haley
Yeah.
- [07:51]
Taylor
And he grabbed her hand, and that caused her to kind of wake up. And he was like, I love you, Mommy. And she said, I love you, Weston. And that was it. She closed her eyes and fell into this deep coma. And over the next two days, all of our family, all of our friends came and Sat and you know they can hear you, they just can't talk. And we told her how much we loved her and we're going to miss her and how proud we were of how hard she fought for so long. And you know, it was amazing to see the people that you, you just don't. When you see people really get, get emotional and like lose their composure, it shows you the what that person meant to that person.
- [08:46]
Haley
Yeah.
- [08:47]
Taylor
And that, that stuff I carry with.
- [08:50]
Corinne
Me, I love shopping. It is my therapy away from therapy. Sometimes what I have realized I love even more, saving money while I shop. I use Rakuten and with Rakuten it is the smartest way to save money when because you can actually earn cash back at over 3,500 stores. We're talking fashion, beauty, electronics, home essentials, travel, dining, concert tickets and so much more. Your favorite stores like Macy's, Nike pay Rackuten to send them shoppers. And Rakuten then passes on a part of that payment to its members as cash back. Cash back is deposited directly into your PayPal account or Rakuten can send you a check. You can even maximize your savings by stacking cash back onto top of other deals like store sales and coupons. You're already shopping at your favorite stores, so why not save while you're doing it? It's a no brainer. Membership is free and it's easy to sign up. Get the Rakuten app now and join the 17 million members who are already saving. Cashback rates change daily. See rakuten.com for details. That's R a K u T E N. Your cash back really adds up.
- [10:08]
Taylor
We were having to give her morphine every four hours to keep her, you know, because when you're laying in the same position, you're gonna get pain that's gonna come up. We wanted to keep her comfortable so we were giving her meds and her sister was really helpful with that. And Thursday night, like I told you, she loves Christmas and snow, right? So it's July and we put on Home Alone, one of her favorite movies and I, I laid out four dining room chairs next to her chair so I could lay down next to her and I laid with her and we watched a movie and I went to bed that night and you know, I woke up periodically to check on her and, and then I get woken up at 6:00 o' clock, you know, around 6:00am over. Sister San Taylor, her breathing's changed. I need you to come in here. So I run in there and I sit next to her And I hold her hand and we're sitting there and it's me, her sister, and her cousin Haley's cousin who lives in Australia, and he flew in. And she just takes these three big breaths and then finally just sweats out this long side. I watched her die right in front of me. And when I tell you that when you lose someone you're that in love with and that close, it's like as their spirit goes, it's like they reached into your body and took something with them. And you know, I've read Imagine Heaven and it talks about these near death experiences and how your spirit leaves your body and lingers in the top of the room for a while before it continues on. And so I remember she passed and I remember looking up and I blew her kiss because I knew she could see me. And I was just sobbing uncontrollably. I didn't know your heart could physically hurt, but it can. Like it was physically hurting me inside. And I remember her cousin goes, you know, he's like on the ball, like, great support. And he's like, okay, time of death, 608. And I was like, did you just say 608? He said, yeah. And I said, I have Isaiah 68 tattooed on my side. He was like, what? And I was like, yeah, it's Isaiah 68 there. I hear the voice of the Lord saying, who shall I send? Here am I. Send me. And oh my God, it just like gave me peace, you know?
- [12:51]
Haley
Yeah.
- [12:52]
Taylor
And I went and I. Her mom was asleep in the guest room and I went and woke her up. You know, this all happened so fast, you know, so like, you know, her sister got me and I sat down and she passed away within like a minute, you know, it was that fast, you know, I wished I could have grabbed her mom too, but I went and woke her mom up and she, you know, gasp awake. And I. I'm sitting there and I. I just said, she's gone. And like, I hugged her and we just laid there and sobbed together. And I remember she's like, I want to see her. And she runs in there and she's screaming, my baby, my baby. You know, and you know, that sticks out in my head because it was awful to hear. And we went and got her dad and I call, I made three calls. Hospice nurse, my mother and my best friend. And my best friend was at my house in like three minutes. It was like record time. He comes in and he's crying. And you know, before you know it, there's like 25 people in my house of friends and family that showed up. So the hospice nurse was having to come from. She lives, like, an hour away. So she was driving. So Haley had been deceased for an hour and a half by the time she got there. And she said. She walks up to me and she said, I'm gonna ask you to do one last very hard thing. She said, I need you to carry her to the bedroom. And I said. She goes, I can get someone to come do it, unless you want to do it. And I said, no, I want to do it. I want to. She's my wife, you know, Like, I can do that. And because they wanted her in the bedroom, because she was going to clean her up so we could all be. Because she didn't look great, you know? And so I went in there and I asked everyone to step out, and they all went to my backyard, which Haley's chair is, like, here. Then there's, like, two big bay windows, and then my backyard, so you can see right in. Yeah, I remember I got down and I picked her up, you know, and at that point, she'd been deceased for a while, so it wasn't like an organic human body. It was this stiff, like, shell of somebody I loved, you know? And I remember I picked her up, and I'm walking to the bedroom, and I glance out the window, and all my loved ones, family, friends, and they're all standing there silently, just watching me carry my deceased wife. And a lot of them can't even talk about it to this day. It really made an impact on them, and to just see that was really hard for them. You know, I walked in the bedroom and I set her on the bed, and I had this flash through my head, and I set her on the bed, and it was like I had given her 99%, and that was my last 1%. Like, I had given her everything I had. And all of a sudden, eight and a half years, of all the sacrifices I made, the late nights in the hospital, the cleaning the sheets or the carpet when we had accidents, and, you know, running to the store to get her food that she needed, or medicine or emergency room trips, you know, all the hoops we had to jump through to go to any event or vacation, it all flashed through my head in, like, a second. And I laid her down, and I literally, in my mind, I said, like, Christ on the cross, it is finished. I finished the race. I never quit. And she's at peace. And I remember just falling to my knees, sobbing on the side of the bed. Knowing that I left it all out. I gave everything I had, and I was so honored and blessed that I got to do that. You know, as hard as it was and how devastated I was that she was gone was tough. And, you know, to watch our family and friends come in there and be with her and, you know, she was loved by so many people. I mean, the impact she made, it was. It was quite an impact. And it. Just. To see just the way people reacted in our tight circle to her passing was just really powerful to me because not only did I lose my wife, my in laws lost their daughter, my son lost his mom, and our friends lost a great friend. Sometimes the friends get forgotten that they're dealing with a great loss too early in their life.
- [18:11]
Haley
Oh, my gosh.
- [18:11]
Taylor
That's the story.
- [18:14]
Haley
You really. I was. I knew it was sad, but, gosh, I feel like I need a drink. But it's so. But throughout this whole thing, too, I think one thing too that I've realized is, like, giving yourself the credit throughout all of it. Like, I've heard this whole story. Like, you gave. I mean, at 23 years old, like, you showed up when most people wouldn't. You stayed in it. You fought. You. Like, I think you have to credit yourself for all that you did, too.
- [18:54]
Taylor
I appreciate that. I just don't. Like, I just see it as something I was supposed to do, like there was no other option, you know, like, so I don't really think of it that way. And, you know, a lot of people, I think, sit and feel sorry for themselves, and they're like, why did I have to go through that? Why did I have to lose my best friend? And they feel sorry for themselves. But I look at it like this. God chose me. Like, I'm blessed. He saw something in me. He wanted me to be her caregiver. So I am grateful that he chose me. So that means there's something he saw in me. And I need to recognize that and be thankful that I was chosen to do that.
- [19:35]
Haley
Yeah. Where would you say you're at now in your grief journey?
- [19:42]
Taylor
Where I'm at now. I feel like I'm in a really great place because I've grown so much since she's passed. I literally am like a different person.
- [19:55]
Haley
Well, I feel like in the midst of all of. All of the trauma, you can't. There is no growing in a way. Like you're growing, but you're also at a standstill because you're dealing with this one big problem, you know, like this one big issue. And that's your main focus.
- [20:14]
Taylor
Yep.
- [20:15]
Haley
So it's hard to grow when that's your focus.
- [20:19]
Taylor
Oh, yeah. I mean, when it's.
- [20:20]
Haley
I mean, your focus isn't just growing. Your focus is staying alive.
- [20:24]
Taylor
Yeah. When it's. That's very true. When all of your focus is on one thing, it's hard to take care of yourself at the same time and make sure that you're in a good place. And it was just a lot to deal with, you know, and that was the hardest part, was after she passed and, you know, everyone kind of left the house and it was just my mom there. And the hospice team came literally after 30 minutes of them taking her out of the house. Hospice showed up and took all the medical equipment, like it's like onto the necks kind of thing, you know, and took all the equipment. And so the house went from like being very cluttered to like empty. Everyone was gone. It was just my mom and she was like helping me clean up the house and I was sitting on the couch. Her chair's empty for the first time. She's never coming back. She's never going to be in that chair again or be in that bed. My greatest fear of eight years has happened. It just happened. Your mind's trying to wrap its head around what just happened. I remember sitting there and I was like, what am I gonna do now? Like, this has been my life. Yeah, it's a very hopeless, scary feeling.
- [21:48]
Haley
Well, this is all that you've known since you were 15 years old.
- [21:51]
Taylor
Yeah. So.
- [21:53]
Haley
And so when that. How far out are you now?
- [21:59]
Taylor
So she passed 20, 23, July 14th. So we're coming up on two years.
- [22:05]
Haley
Okay.
- [22:05]
Taylor
So I'm in a very good place. I'm, you know, many people know I'm very big into fitness. I wish people would turn to their faith and taking care of themselves health wise because you will find so much freedom in that and valuing your health, that's been a huge thing for me. And I've found a version of myself I didn't know existed. And I believe in myself now more than I ever have. And I see, I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm not a victim. I don't need people to feel bad for me. It is what it is of what happened to me. It made me a very strong human being that I am today. I'm just so different than most people at this age. I see life very differently and I'm just grateful that I got to be the one to have the front row seat and she changed my life forever. And throughout.
- [23:09]
Haley
Throughout this grief journey, there had to have been times of just, like, pure anger. Oh, yeah, There was just, like, angry at God, angry at life.
- [23:24]
Taylor
Yeah, I would say. I would say I definitely had more moments of anger before she passed. It was like after I kind of had this bigger understanding of death is a part of life, and we all are going to go someday. And I've just become so much stronger in my faith that I know because of my faith, I will see her again. It's just not here on this earth. It's just going to be in a different sense. And I'm going to see her in her perfectly healed body. So that brings me peace. Were there times where I was angry at God? Yes. But honestly, I'm being totally truthful. Since she passed, I've had no moments of anger. I've had moments of sadness where I miss her. I miss her all the time. I miss her spirit. I miss her just being in the room when I'm watching tv. But I'm not angry. I think anger leads to. I think being in a victim mentality leads to anger. You know, like, when you sit there and you're like, why me? Why did I have to go through this? Then you become angry. And I just. It's not fair to Haley if I sit here in my anger and my sorrow and feel sorry for myself. I need to be out living and not waste any more time.
- [24:56]
Haley
And what. What would you say your advice to people would be? That's listening. That's having a hard time getting in that mindset. That was a question. I saw a lot. Okay, well, we're like, I'm two years out, and I'm stuck. I'm angry. I can't move on with life. I can't move forward.
- [25:15]
Taylor
I would say if you're stuck in that, you know, the mind is the most powerful tool in your body. It really is. And you have to learn how to change the way you look at it. And it's like I said to you, instead of telling, yelling at God, why did I have to go through this? I tell him, thank you for choosing me to do that. Is it right that people die before they should? No. You know, but I think the Lord chooses certain people for a reason. And, you know, I think, you know, as the verse goes, I leave the 99 to save the one that went astray. And if she. If she was used to save one person that went astray, then it's worth it.
- [26:09]
Haley
You know, I think it all really stems Back to your faith.
- [26:15]
Taylor
Yeah.
- [26:15]
Haley
And if you didn't have your faith.
- [26:17]
Taylor
Yeah. Faith is, I would say, changing your mindset of how you look at it, your faith, and then getting yourself in a very healthy routine. Everything feeds off of that. If you get yourself in a really nice, healthy routine of getting up early and eating healthy and walking or working out and doing something positive for your body, you know, going to church, getting involved in Bible study, having supportive friends around you, that's all going to help you move forward. And I wish there was an easy answer. And this probably comes off a little harsh, but sometimes you just have to, like, it happened, suck it up. And, like, you just got to move forward. There's really no easy answer.
- [27:07]
Haley
Everyone deals with it differently. Yeah, Everyone deals with grief differently.
- [27:10]
Taylor
So it's like, you can't. What good is it going to be to sit there and sit in your sorrow? Is it okay to feel sad? Of course.
- [27:19]
Haley
I have that same mentality and have said the exact same thing. And it's also different when you have a child that's sitting there who has already gone through so much that you're looking at and you're like, all right, like, we got to move forward. Like, these can't be all the memories that he has. You know, these can't. Like, when you have a child to look at, it snaps you out of stuff a lot quicker.
- [27:45]
Taylor
100%.
- [27:46]
Haley
I just. Your whole story. I'm like, this is. I was not prepared for this. I don't think anyone in this room was prepared for that.
- [27:55]
Corinne
No, no, no.
- [27:58]
Haley
None of us. This episode of Unlocked is brought to.
- [28:01]
Corinne
You by Progressive Insurance.
- [28:03]
Haley
Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it. So your dollar goes a long way. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations. All right, so a lot of these questions are really good. Some of them are completely unhinged, and it makes me question humanity. But this is a really good one.
- [28:47]
Taylor
Okay.
- [28:47]
Haley
Caregiver for my mother for 11 years, struggling to find my purpose after her death.
- [28:55]
Taylor
That's a good one.
- [28:58]
Haley
Did you struggle with this?
- [29:01]
Taylor
You know, I think it's. I think I got a little bit of a blessing in my sense. And what I mean is I've got I have this large following now. And so my purpose became not caregiving for Haley, but caregiving to provide people with hope that you can move forward. So that became my purpose. But I see that a lot of people don't have that, you know? And so you have to. You have to develop your new purpose, and you have to have the mindset of that. And so that's another reason why I think, you know, being healthy and valuing your fitness is so you can find so much freedom from that, because it feels like you have purpose when you're doing the right things for your body, in my opinion.
- [29:53]
Haley
Okay. Does your son ask about his mom often?
- [29:57]
Taylor
Oh, yeah.
- [29:59]
Haley
And how do you address that?
- [30:02]
Taylor
Well, every night, so he sleeps with me. So every night, we say our prayers, and after we say prayers, I always say, do you want to say anything to mommy? So I always incorporate his mother. And some nights he's like, yes. Some nights he doesn't. And sometimes he'll lay there and he'll be like, mommy, I miss you, and I hope I'm making you proud and all that. And one time he said, because this is how a child's mind works, he's like, maybe I'll get cancer, and I'll come see you or something. He thinks that cancer is like a ticket to and I'll come see you. So I have to explain things to him when moments like that come up. But I never shy away from talking about his mother. And as he gets older, he's been talking about her a lot more and asking a lot more questions and missing her a lot more, because he's developing. He's remembering how she was an amazing mom. No matter what pain she was in or how she felt, she never took away time to lay with him, be with him, play with him. So she was really amazing.
- [31:15]
Haley
This is not a question, but I have to read it to you. Not a question. Thank you for showing your son it's okay to have emotions and to be human.
- [31:24]
Taylor
Oh, I cry in front of him all the time.
- [31:26]
Haley
That's a big one. That's a big one.
- [31:29]
Taylor
Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm not that type of man. That's gonna be like, no crying, you know, like, yeah, I want him to be able to come to me when he's upset and let me, you know, hold him and cry with him. And, I mean, he's caught me crying more, and he comes in and comforts me. So it's like, you know, I'll just randomly get a sad moment where I cry for a couple Minutes. You know, not like boohooing, but, like, you know, just.
- [31:58]
Haley
I mean, that's.
- [31:59]
Taylor
Yeah.
- [32:00]
Haley
You're. You're warranted. That.
- [32:02]
Taylor
Yeah.
- [32:03]
Haley
You're allowed to have that.
- [32:03]
Taylor
Yeah.
- [32:06]
Haley
Okay. How do you deal with Where. This is a question. How do you deal with wearing a wedding ring?
- [32:12]
Taylor
Okay, love this question. Because everyone seems to be an expert in this, and they want to share their opinion.
- [32:19]
Haley
Yeah.
- [32:20]
Taylor
So in my opinion, the wedding ring, a symbol that you're married. Okay. That's all it is. It's a symbol that you are married to somebody. It doesn't. It doesn't show how much love I have for someone. Doesn't show a little love I have. That's not what the ring is for. So, like, me having it on or off doesn't change the way I love Haley at all. Right. And so I think it's. If you want to take it off day one, it's your right to do so. Everyone has a different journey and thought process. There's no rule book to this.
- [32:59]
Haley
Yeah. Because I saw people say, like, it makes me angry or it makes me sad or. What was your personal journey with it?
- [33:07]
Taylor
Yeah. Well, people think I'm making this up, but I honestly had to take it off because I lost so much weight that it was falling off my finger. And it's a ring that's been in my family, like, two generations, so I don't want to lose it.
- [33:20]
Haley
Yeah.
- [33:22]
Taylor
But I don't. That ring, never. The people obsess about it because they think it's me saying I'm moving on or that I'm ready to move on. And I could see how that can be seen, but I don't care what people think. I know what kind of person I am and where I'm at. So, like, you know, they can have their opinions all they want, but I know the love I have for that woman, you know, like.
- [33:46]
Haley
Yeah.
- [33:46]
Taylor
And Haley was the best. And, like, I always love Haley. Always.
- [33:52]
Haley
Of course.
- [33:52]
Taylor
Yeah.
- [33:53]
Haley
And so obviously, like I said, which we kind of talked about this on and off camera because people are crazy and all their questions when it comes to dating.
- [34:03]
Taylor
Yeah.
- [34:05]
Haley
You're two years out almost. Has it been something you have thought about or that you.
- [34:12]
Taylor
No. I mean, I'll admit it right here. I've been on dates. Like, I've gone on multiple dates, you know, seeing what's out there. I never dated. I met Hay when I was 15, and that was it. Apparently, it doesn't work like that.
- [34:26]
Haley
No, it does not work like that anymore. Let me tell You.
- [34:29]
Taylor
I've learned that it's terrible when you meet someone at 15 and you grow up together and you're each other's first because you're so young. That's a very pure love, very genuine pure love. And you raise each other. You become one, your interests become one, your families come together. When you're trying to date in your 30s, a lot of people got their trauma and their baggage and they're not pure anymore. And that's just part of it. Nothing that it's wrong with it. It's just I'm not used to it. So I'm struggling because I thought, you just meet the right one and it happens because that's the only experience I have. But it doesn't work.
- [35:12]
Haley
Let me tell you, boy, it does not happen that way.
- [35:15]
Taylor
And so I'm just learning the hard way that you do have to put effort into it. And another thing I'm realizing, because, like I said, I was under the impression that you meet someone and you immediately know. Well, you don't. You have to put some effort into.
- [35:32]
Haley
Yeah.
- [35:33]
Taylor
And it's scary. And it's like everyone. All my friends and family and everyone back at home are always looking if I'm bringing somebody to church or. Like, it's so this pressure. And now I'm, you know, have this large online following. Everyone wants to know.
- [35:51]
Haley
Yeah.
- [35:52]
Taylor
So it's kind of made it worse. But I only have myself to blame for that. I'm not looking for sympathy.
- [35:56]
Haley
Well, no, it's. You are in an impossible situation. You are damned if you do, damned if you don't. Nothing you do is going to be the right answer. And it's okay to date. Like, I've talked about, like, going through a breakup and how. Obviously not to compare the two at all, but it's like, you've got to figure out a way to deal with your hurt. You've got to figure out a way to move forward in life. Just because you're moving forward doesn't mean you're forgetting the past. It doesn't mean you're forgetting someone. It just means that you're trying to find your own footing. And it's everyone's first time living life. I think that's what we all forget. And we forget to give each other grace and realize, like, we're all doing this life together and it's all our first time. So let people live it how they're gonna live it. Like, oh, yeah, we're just trying to survive. And so your first date that you went on Was it really hard for you?
- [37:01]
Taylor
I wouldn't say it was hard. I would say it was just different.
- [37:06]
Haley
Like, because it goes back to again. You started your grieving process a long time ago. Yeah, yeah.
- [37:15]
Taylor
Yeah. And I'm. I don't know how to date. I'm learning all this.
- [37:18]
Haley
Yeah, you don't.
- [37:19]
Taylor
What I have learned is there's a lot of bad men out there. From hearing a lot of stories. I'm just. I don't like to play games. I'm just a genuine person that is still grieving a lot and trying to figure out how to take steps forward. I do. Sometimes I do feel like in. In the moving on phase of dating and all that, I feel like sometimes I take, you know, four steps forward and two steps back, you know, like, I'm constantly. I don't know. I feel like I'm in a good place. And then. Then I realized, God, how do I make room for someone else in this heart? You know, like, I carried that woman when she died. Like, you know, how do I sit at a dinner table and get someone across me to understand what I seen and went through? That is. It is because you feel like you're on an island alone because you've seen too much. And that's been another tough part of the grief process is feeling distant from my friend group. Not that they've done anything wrong or I have. I've seen too much. I've gone too far down the road. And so it's hard to relate sometimes emotionally. And same thing with soldiers that return. And why they go so distant because they've seen too much. And so, yeah, sitting across from somebody and trying to get them to fully understand the heartache and trauma and sadness that I have experienced in my life is very difficult.
- [38:50]
Haley
Oh, it's. I say all the time, like, if you have not had trauma in your life, like, you just don't understand 100%. It's just a hard connection to make.
- [39:03]
Taylor
100%. It's. And it's. It's not their fault, you know, Like, I don't hold it against them, but it's hard to. Because it's just very difficult to get people to fully understand, you know, and understand that. Haley will be a part of my life forever. I will celebrate her birthday. We will celebrate the day of her passing. You know, like, my son, that's his mother, we're gonna talk about her. I'm gonna have a few pictures up of her in the house. Like, if you're not okay with that, then see ya.
- [39:38]
Haley
Yeah. You know, well, there has to. And that, though, is it's gonna take someone really strong to be able because. And it's just to play devil's advocate, that would be a really hard place to be in. You know, like, you. I. I'm trying to figure out how to put it into words like respecting and loving someone because they brought this person to you at this time, you know, like, and respecting and loving a story. But then I feel like there's definitely people who. Like, I have a friend who's kind of gone through this to where it's hard to not feel like second best.
- [40:22]
Taylor
Yeah.
- [40:22]
Haley
You know.
- [40:23]
Taylor
Yeah, it's tough. And, you know, I think I've made this mistake, but it's just what it is. So, typically, if you've broken up with someone, typically, you don't talk about your ex on the date, right? Yes, typically. My whole life is with Haley. Every memory I have is, oh, I went to that place with Haley. Oh, we traveled there. And I find myself telling. But it's my life, you know, I. What do you want me to do? Like, I can't help it. Like, she was part of those memories, and they were good memories. They weren't bad memories.
- [41:03]
Haley
Yeah.
- [41:04]
Taylor
So you see, like, rocking a hard place, like, oh, for sure.
- [41:08]
Haley
It's just such a. Your life story is insane. I think the best way to end this, because I love this question, is how to not feel guilty for being happy for a day.
- [41:23]
Taylor
I don't know. Maybe I'm different than most people, but you should never feel guilty for being happy after someone's passing. And the reason I say that is you owe it to the person that passed to be happy and to live your life. I promise you, they would be mad at you if you were feeling guilty for being happy.
- [41:51]
Haley
Yeah. And I think, too, when I look at it, it's. If you've lost someone, you see how short life actually was. So do you really want to rob yourself and the other people around you of those life experiences when you saw how quickly life flashes by?
- [42:15]
Taylor
Yep.
- [42:15]
Haley
You know, I just. Wow, you're. I don't even know what to say. I'm, like, just in awe of your story and how you've handled it. And so where can people go and find you and see more of your stories and pictures and. What's your Instagram?
- [42:34]
Taylor
My Instagram is my name Taylor Odlazil?
- [42:37]
Haley
Yep. Yep.
- [42:38]
Taylor
Tick tock, Taylor Odlesil. Facebook, which I'm gonna say this now. There's a lot of fake Facebook accounts, people.
- [42:45]
Haley
Isn't that crazy.
- [42:46]
Taylor
And you're getting tricked by them. All of you are. I'm telling you. And yeah, so Taylor Odlezil and then Taylor Odlezil on YouTube. Okay, I got a question for you.
- [42:57]
Haley
What's your question?
- [42:58]
Taylor
Okay, this is a tough one.
- [43:00]
Haley
Oh God.
- [43:02]
Taylor
What is $10 minus 780.
- [43:05]
Haley
I hate you for that. I'm not getting tricked again. I'm not. 10. $2. What'd you say?
- [43:19]
Taylor
$7 and 80 cents.
- [43:21]
Haley
Yeah.
- [43:22]
Taylor
So 10 minus 780.
- [43:23]
Haley
10 minus 782. 20, right? Yeah, y' all. I was sweating on that one. That video haunts me for life. That haunts me for life. I got nervous. I was like, I ain't messing up. I oh. On that note, we this was a roller coaster.
- [43:45]
Taylor
I had to hey there.
- [43:48]
F
I'm Corinne Stoko, blogger, speaker and host of the Mint Arrow Messages podcast. Every Monday we drop new episodes full of meaningful conversations that uplift, inspire and help you to live a more purpose driven life. From faith and family to personal growth, parenting, relationships, and even behind the scenes stories with guests from all walks of life, we cover it all. If you're looking for a show that's heartfelt, hopeful and rooted in real life experiences, come listen to Mintero messages every Monday. Wherever you get your podcasts.
- [44:19]
C
Are you looking for your next case? Pluto TV has all your favorite crime dramas streaming for free. You're gonna need some backup, which means suspense is free.
- [44:27]
Taylor
Very cool.
- [44:28]
C
Watch CSI New York, Criminal Minds, Blue Bloods Tracker, FBI and swat all for free. You can't outrun this. Someone is going to pay for all this crime, but it's not going to be you. Take care of business, fellas. Watch all the cases. All for free from all your favorite devices.
- [44:43]
Taylor
We got you.
- [44:44]
C
Feel the free Pluto TV stream now.
- [44:47]
B
Pay Never Work takes up most of your time. That's why you should use stamps.com to save time with your mailing and shipping. Stamps.com will simplify your postage needs and add valuable time back into your workday so you have flexibility to focus on more important things. Stamps.com can handle your mailing and shipping needs with rates up to 88% off. UPS and USPS send invoices, checks, certified mail, packages, and anything else you need to keep your business running with stamps dot com. If you sell online, connecting with every major marketplace and shopping cart is easy. Plus you can schedule package pickups through their dashboard and automatically see your cheapest and fastest shipping options from different carriers. With ST Stamps.com's Rate Advisor add more flexibility to your workday. With Stamps.com go to Stamps.com program to sign up for a special offer. No contract. Cancel Anytime. That's stamps.com program.