Unlocking A Better You (feat. Dr. Harry Cohen)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Unlocking A Better You (feat. Dr. Harry Cohen)
Unlocked with Savannah Chrisley | Release Date: February 25, 2025

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Introduction

In this compelling episode of "Unlocked with Savannah Chrisley," Savannah welcomes renowned self-help author and family therapist Dr. Harry Cohen. The conversation centers around personal growth, effective communication, and the profound impact of kindness and boundaries in our lives. Dr. Cohen brings his insightful perspectives from his book, "Be the Sun not the Salt," fostering a deep and engaging dialogue aimed at inspiring listeners to unlock a better version of themselves.

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Personal Inspirations and the Power of Positivity [01:03 - 02:34]

Dr. Harry Cohen begins by sharing an inspiring email from a co-leader of his book, emphasizing the significance of focusing on the good in every situation:

Dr. Harry Cohen [01:17]:
"Our eyes only see and our ears only hear what our brain is looking for. Looking for the good. This morning and always. You are going to help spread this to the world."

Savannah acknowledges her initial frustration with the book's overly positive messages during a personal slump but appreciates the continued value it brings:

Savannah [02:32]:
"I continued listening and then I got a really awesome phone call. So I was like, maybe so."

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Embracing Challenges and Maintaining Positivity [02:34 - 04:58]

Dr. Cohen delves into the inevitability of facing challenges and the importance of maintaining a positive outlook. He shares a personal anecdote about handling a difficult phone call with grace, illustrating his philosophy of showing up as one's best self despite hardships:

Dr. Harry Cohen [04:30]:
"You have to show up even when it's hard."

Savannah reinforces this notion, highlighting the impact of small positive actions:

Savannah [04:58]:
"And you don't ever know how one little thing could save someone."

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The Impact of Kindness and Negative Actions [05:05 - 07:17]

The conversation shifts to the lasting effects of our actions, both positive and negative. Dr. Cohen uses a powerful metaphor to describe how words can leave lasting scars:

Dr. Harry Cohen [05:05]:
"There's a scar on someone in the exact shape of someone's words."

He advocates for consistently choosing kindness and minimizing negative interactions to foster better relationships and personal well-being.

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Healthy Boundaries in Relationships [15:11 - 20:08]

Dr. Cohen and Savannah explore the concept of setting healthy boundaries, especially within family dynamics. Dr. Cohen explains that boundaries are not about cutting off relationships but managing them with respect and care:

Dr. Harry Cohen [16:38]:
"Healthy boundaries means like a door in a bathroom. It can be closed, it can be locked, it can be left ajar."

Savannah shares her experiences with maintaining boundaries with her sister, emphasizing that boundaries are essential for self-respect and positive interactions.

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Self-Improvement and Corporate Impact [22:50 - 25:28]

Dr. Cohen discusses the broader impact of his book "Be the Sun not the Salt" on individuals and corporate environments. He highlights how simple, actionable self-help practices can transform workplace dynamics and personal relationships alike:

Dr. Harry Cohen [23:14]:
"If you make it complicated, people aren't going to do it. If you make it hard, people aren't going to do it."

Savannah adds that modern generations excel in mental health awareness, aligning with the book’s messages of self-growth and kindness.

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Practical Tips for Better Listening and Communication [39:06 - 40:17]

Towards the end of the episode, Savannah and Dr. Cohen discuss practical listening tips from the book’s final chapter. Savannah summarizes key practices that promote authentic and meaningful communication:

Savannah [39:15]:
"If you practice Olympic listening, you will never lose."

Key tips include:

• Maintain Eye Contact: Foster connection by looking people in the eye.
• Minimize Distractions: Put away cell phones and other distractions to stay present.
• Speak Less: Listen more than you speak to understand others better.
• Ask Short Questions: Encourage dialogue and show genuine curiosity.
• Be Respectful: Value the other person’s perspective without interrupting.
• Manage Emotions: Stay calm and composed to enhance communication effectiveness.

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Conclusion and Call to Action [37:30 - 39:14]

Dr. Cohen encourages listeners to purchase his book to enhance their personal and professional lives, emphasizing its transformative potential. Savannah expresses gratitude for his insights and highlights how his teachings can be integrated into daily life for meaningful change.

Dr. Harry Cohen [38:17]:
"And don't just read it, use it. Open up any page and go, oh, yeah, that's a good reminder."

Savannah urges listeners to embrace the principles of kindness, effective communication, and personal growth to unlock their best selves.

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Notable Quotes

• Dr. Harry Cohen [01:17]:
  "Our eyes only see and our ears only hear what our brain is looking for. Looking for the good. This morning and always. You are going to help spread this to the world."

• Dr. Harry Cohen [04:30]:
  "You have to show up even when it's hard."

• Dr. Harry Cohen [05:05]:
  "There's a scar on someone in the exact shape of someone's words."

• Savannah [14:43]:
  "That's a big thing, is being very mindful. And also you talk about creating boundaries and that was the one that."

• Dr. Harry Cohen [20:16]:
  "But you will learn over many decades."

• Dr. Harry Cohen [29:25]:
  "Parenting and leadership is the same. Loving and demanding of equal measures."

• Savannah [29:40]:
  "Two things can be true at one time."

• Savannah [32:17]:
  "What you're doing is putting it all on the table. You're being vulnerable and authentic."

• Savannah [38:35]:
  "Listen to you. And you know what?"

• Savannah [40:17]:
  "That's amazing."

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Final Thoughts

"Unlocking A Better You" featuring Dr. Harry Cohen is a deeply enriching episode that navigates the complexities of personal growth, effective communication, and the power of kindness. Dr. Cohen’s insights, paired with Savannah’s relatable approach, provide listeners with actionable strategies to enhance their relationships and overall well-being. This episode serves as an inspiring guide for anyone seeking to unlock their best self through mindful living and authentic connections.

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Where to Find Dr. Harry Cohen’s Book:

• Website: BethesdaNotTheSalt.com
• Amazon: Be the Sun not the Salt
• Audiobook: Available on major audiobook platforms for convenient listening.

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Thank you for tuning into "Unlocked with Savannah Chrisley." Be sure to subscribe for more insightful conversations and transformative stories.

Transcript

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

With new McValue at McDonald's, you get more than you expect for breakfast. Like buy a sausage burrito and add a sausage McMuffin for a dollar. Get more than you expect with new McValue at McDonald's. Prices and participation may vary. Valid for item of equal or lesser value.

[Savannah]

Welcome back to this week's episode of Unlocked. And if you've been listening, then you know I love self help and our motto is it's okay to not be okay and self growth or just growth in general. You have to do a lot of self reflection and reading self help books. And Today I have Dr. Harry Cohen on and he's amazing. The most just soothing voice probably I've ever heard. So welcome.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

That's so sweet of you. Thank you.

[Savannah]

And to your book, Be the Sun not the Salt.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

I so love that you're doing this. I got an email this morning. I wanted to share this with you. This is what my co leader and super spreader of Be the Sun not the Salt sent me.

[Savannah]

I also don't know the last time I saw an iPhone that had a home button.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

I have a home button on my iPhone. Yes, I know people make fun of me. They say, how come yours is so small? Well, because I like to put it in my pocket and that's what I do.

[Savannah]

That's amazing.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

She said, dear. Thanks, Harry. You have a chance to impact tens of thousands of people with this message today. The podcast host who is interviewing you has almost 3 million followers. I've been intentionally practicing feeding the good wolf every morning and I was inspired by this quote that hit my feet. Our eyes only see and our ears only hear what our brain is looking for. Looking for the good. This morning and always. You are going to help spread this to the world.

[Savannah]

Well, I am grateful you're on because listening. I've listened to you. I listened to you on the Rachel Hollows podcast and listen to your book, the audiobook Greatest thing. I love it. And as I was listening, I will say, I'm going to be really honest here. This morning I was in such a slump and as I was finishing listening to your book, all I could think about was like, yeah, this is great and all, but like you're pissing me off because it's so positive. It's so like happy, go lucky. Like, you know, just put out what you want to get and it's not that easy.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

So what did you do this morning?

[Savannah]

I continued listening and. And then I got a really awesome phone call. So I was like, maybe so.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

So the Beauty of that story is this is life. This is our life. Look, we go through difficult times. We have difficult moods. We have all those feelings that you just said. And if you. If you keep listening to what you said you said. What did I do? Well, I kept listening. Did it anyway. And then I got this great phone call. And then you could have a crappy phone call as soon as this podcast is over, and then someone could treat you poorly, and then you could get some good. This is our life, our job. In the face of all of this stuff that comes our way, what's our job? To be our best self as best we can. And when we can't? Forgive yourself and do the next right thing. I was taken to this TV interview earlier this morning, and the guy had a. Had a TV station, had a radio station on. I said, would you mind turning that off? He goes, no. I said, I'm sorry. He goes, no. If you like me to turn it off, you can get. Order another Uber. I said, okay. And this was. It was an opportunity for me to go, huh? Okay, this is the guy. So I listened. And it was actually a devotional station, so it was kind of cool.

[Savannah]

Was it really?

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Savannah]

So it was maybe something you needed.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

It was great. Cause it was about a 15 minute drive, and the whole time I'm thinking and watching myself like, hey, wait a minute. He should have. You know what? This is kind of cool. Really. And it was, you know, like, this is. I gotta practice. This stuff isn't like, I know this and I have to teach this. I get to practice this every single day, Savannah. And this morning I said to your team, I said, listen, she's got some stuff going on. She doesn't need to come here. I don't want her to stress out about that. And lo and behold, you did all what you did this morning and you still showed up.

[Savannah]

Hey, that's the thing you do. You have to show up even when it's hard.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

So you're practicing what I'm preaching, which is show up even when it's hard. Be kind even when you don't feel like it. Go the extra mile like your friend who brought that food to you when your parents were incarcerated. All of that stuff, we can't do it enough. We can do more good and we can do less of the bad. And what I mean by bad is when we're just, you know, less of our wonderful selves, when we're snarky or pissy or.

[Savannah]

And too. You don't ever know how one little Thing could save someone.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

On the positive or the negative? The one little thing can. And I do this deliberately so I get to hear it. Oh, thank you so much. That really made me feel so great. I know that it does. That's why I do it. But the negative. I heard this great phrase recently. There's a scar on someone in the exact shape of someone's words. It's like, oh, yeah. You know, the negative stuff that we say and do can be just as unfortunately damaging or worse, without a doubt. So best we can from now until we croak, do more to good and less of the bad, period.

[Savannah]

And even when you feel like. Because I think the stage I'm at in life right now is like, I feel like there's so much good I can do and there's so much good I'm doing along the way, but it doesn't quite feel like it's picking up steam just yet.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Welcome to my world. I can't figure out why every single person doesn't have this on their bookshelf, in their office, or practicing and saying and thinking, oh, I'm sorry I was a bit salty, or I'm just trying to be the sun today. Everybody should get this. So I feel the same way. I'm 70, and I ain't giving up. I'm gonna keep on doing this.

[Savannah]

Oh, my gosh. Are you really?

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Yeah, of course.

[Savannah]

You look great.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

You say that with, like, surprise. Like, why? That's. Cause I eat right and exercise.

[Savannah]

Yes, I did listen to that. You're like an. Like, when it comes to your body, you're like, no dairy. No, you know, big fiber guy.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Yeah. Vegetables. You listen to that Rachel podcast. She takes care of herself. We got it. I was telling one of your assistant, one of your peeps here, just take care of yourself. It's like money in the bank. Over time, compound interest grows. And it's like, oh, how come I have all this money? Because you saved it over many years. Well, how come I'm in good health? Because I exercised and ate right for my whole life. Well, how come you're a happy person? Because I'm kind to others. I mean, this stuff compounds. But, Savannah, don't give up. I ain't giving up. Eventually, more people will get it. You do get it. You're doing a lot of good in this world. From your platform, I'll be there to support you in a hundred ways. I just discovered who you are.

[Savannah]

Thank you.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Seriously, I had no idea, because I go where my publishers are. I love that I had no idea who you were.

[Savannah]

That's great.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

And I listened to your most recent podcast in the coffee shop down the street, and then your team was telling me who you are. And I like, wow, how cool. But most importantly is how you treated me. A. You showed up this morning with such a great attitude. Then the way you're both welcoming and honest and real and curious, and you did the homework of listening to the book or looking at the book or reading the book. A lot of people don't. You showed up 100% real. And that's what matters more to me than anything, is you don't just talk it, you're doing it.

[Savannah]

You have to.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

At this TV station, there was a picture, which I took, which is, actions are greater than words. Ain't that the truth?

[Savannah]

Yeah.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

It's not what we say. It's not that I wrote the book. It's if I'm not treating people well and treating myself well.

[Savannah]

I think, too, a big part of your book and everything that you stand for is also when you. When I was listening to it, it's like the things obviously you're told as you grow up of, like, you know, people will be drawn to you and want to be around you. People will be more effective in every role you like, you. It's all these things that you hear growing up, but as you become an adult. I just did this therapy, I don't know, two weekends ago with my boyfriend. And in one of the sessions, they showed a sculpture that was at this Burning man concert and the sculpture of, like, two adults with their backs to each other. And then inside of those two adults were two children facing each other, screaming. And the whole point is, we all have this inner child in us. Every adult has an inner child that's fighting to get out.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Savannah]

And so the quicker we realize that with each other, that we all have an inner child that may have endured abuse or a rough upbringing, whatever it may be, the easier it will be to connect with someone totally.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

And the more you can be authentically vulnerable with yourself, looking inside and saying what you're feeling and thinking, thoughts and feelings are related and express them to your partner or to yourself or to journal. The easier it'll be for that inner child that exists in everybody to be the good inner child and not the angry, hurt, lashing out inner child, which is, hey, hey, hey. Bricks are not for throwing. But every kid wants to throw a brick sometimes. But you gotta know what's going on. Why are you so angry? And if you can understand that for yourself and share it with your partner. Here's what's going on. It's really embarrassing that I'm feeling this way. I don't like the way I look. I don't feel good about this, that, or the other. I'm embarrassed to even say this, but that's what's going on. And I'm filled with embarrassment, sweetie.

[Caitlin Bristowe]

Wow.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

You immediately feel connected to that person who then says, I got you. I love that you shared that with me. Don't hide that stuff from me. I got you.

[Savannah]

I dated a guy and his mom. I will never forget. This was like the. My first real relationship. And the one positive thing I left with was his mom telling me, savannah. Because I've always just had. I had trauma I had never worked through. And I was just, you know, it was very. I could lash out at you. And she was like, savannah, no one can ever argue with a feeling. So when you say, instead of being accusing someone and saying, you did this, you did that, why not say, hey, when you did this? It made me feel like this simple sentence. It made me feel. And if they can argue with that, it's not going to look too good on them.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

No. And by the way, these very simple rules that you can follow to have a healthy relationship, they're not complicated. Know what you feel, say what you feel, and listen to what the other person feels and ask a question about it. You can have a conversation and a dialogue. And this lashing out business is bullshit. You don't want to be doing that. That's not how people communicate. And if you can communicate as true good friends and lovers and colleagues, well, that's where it's at. And. And anybody can learn to do that a little bit better. I'm 70. I've been married 45 years in August. I just learned to say this sentence. Honey, is there anything you need for me to do for you today? Every day, now. Why did it take me this long? Why did it. Because we're dumb. We're constant learning machines. I'm not done learning. I want to learn more stupid stuff that I do and do better, smarter stuff. I say that now, every morning. And you know, when I'm traveling, like, there's nothing I could have done for her today, but it's such a great thing.

[Savannah]

But it's even. Is there an emotional way I can show up for you today? Yeah, it's not even just a physical. Let's check.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

That's deeper. Is there an emotional way that I can show up for you today? Now I'M not ready to say that yet. Okay, now I know it's great, but I will occasionally now from this conversation, say that to my wife, Jan. Now I know what the real answer is, which is, yeah, show up the way you do when you're my good partner. You know, be loving and be present and be conscious and be aware and all the things that we should already know, but sometimes we forget. Like, I'm going to be late. Hey, just as a heads up, is there anything I can pick up at the store or what do you want to do for dinner? I can pick up some salmon. That's real easy to do. It's just as easy to not make that call, to not send that text. This insight of late has hit me. Like, why don't people get this? Because it's easy to not do. Doesn't matter. I'm married 45 years. She's not going to leave me. I can be. Uh huh. Complacency, complacency. Letting relationships slide, letting anything be mediocre. That's what I think. All of us have pulling. I don't feel like getting out of bed. I don't feel like doing. I don't feel like. And then we get to say, you know what? I'm gonna go do the next right thing after I do the dumb thing.

[Savannah]

Yes.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

And I want to get better. I'm not done yet. Even though I'm in the far end of my life, I want to do as much good as I can by being good. And everybody wins, right? Like everybody wins. If I can be just a tiny bit more kind or a tiny bit less of a dick, it's great.

[Savannah]

Yes.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Right? Just a tiny bit.

[Savannah]

Just a little.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

This is why I want people to get this and then practice it. I don't have to do anything. You don't have to be a different person. You don't have to take a course. You don't have to work at it. You just have to be mindful of like this morning. Oh yeah, right.

[Savannah]

Yes. That's a big thing, is being very mindful. And also you talk about creating boundaries and that was the one that. It was funny. Kind of in the midst of my being pissed off at your books, I'm like, this is just like a fairy tale fantasy of like, life is not this way right now. And then it came to the point where it was like, you have the right to create boundaries and not have that person in your life to end that relationship.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

We literally were talking about this. I think it's with Leah, your sister. Okay.

[Savannah]

Yeah. Leah or Aaron.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Yeah. I said open up any page. And it was the chapter, don't hang with cilantro. She has the gene which makes cilantro taste like soap.

[Savannah]

I've heard that. Exactly. I love cilantro.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Right. So you don't have the gene. She can't eat it. Certain people are like cilantro for us. We shouldn't have them in our life. They're not good for us. They're bad company.

[Savannah]

And so how do you help people through that? If it's. Let's say, if it's a family member, because obviously you're told, family, family, family.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Here's the way I approach this. Look, I was a family therapist for many years. I'm still in a family. I'm in an extended family. I understand this. I practice this. Healthy bo. Boundaries means like a door in a bathroom. It can be closed, it can be locked, it can be left ajar. You can have a healthy boundary with a family member. That is a cordial relationship. You don't have to call every week, you don't have to talk every day. You don't have to see them frequently. I'll see them at the event. I'll talk on the birthday. But I'm going to create a healthy boundary so that they're not in my life. I'm still their family member. I'm still part of the family. Family. I'll be kind and respectful and thoughtful, but I'm not going to make them part of my life if they're not good for me.

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[Savannah]

As you were saying, you can have those healthy boundaries. You can say, you know, I, it's not healthy for me to have you in my life.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Well now that's a heavy statement. You say that out loud, it's like a big deal. That's an atom bomb. You don't have to make the pronouncement unless you're willing to. I don't want you in my life whatsoever. That is a decision you're free to make. That's a door that will be slammed and locked shut unless you're gonna do that. You can have other healthy boundaries. No, mom, it's not best for you to come over today. Or you know, why don't we get together next week? Or he yeah, that date isn't good. How about whatever? So you really want to protect your roots if you're a plant? If you have a kid, you want to say, do you really think so? And so should be coming over. You know what I mean? Think of yourself as someone very, very important. Oh wait, you are. And who do you want in that person's life? People who are good for that person. Not people who are going to tear them down or make them feel like crap as best you can. You have to be mindful. Is this company good for me? Is this relationship good for me? Is this in law good for me? And then you have to finesse. Here's how I handle it. And don't get heavy handed with a light touch.

[Savannah]

See, that's hard for me. I'm like all or nothing, zero to 90.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

So you will learn over many decades.

[Savannah]

I know, I'm trying, I'm trying you.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Will learn over many decades. You'll get there. But don't go zero. Just go. Slow and steady wins this race. You're not wrong, Savannah. Your motive is pure. You really are a good person. I know that about you. So you follow that motive, do the thing that you go, you know, I think I want to do this. And then you can look back and you go, I think I handled that well. Good. Do it again. You know what? I think I was a little heavy handed and harsh. Okay. Be a little light handed. You can make a change at any.

[Savannah]

Moment, and that's the thing in life. It's not now. Just because you did it one way doesn't mean you have to do it that way forever.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Exactly. And I want to be learning. Is there a better way to operate in this world? As far as I can tell, this is pretty damn good. And I'm still learning. I was just telling one of your colleagues, I just Learned to come 90 minutes before my flight at the airport. I have 3 million miles on Delta, and I was rushing, always, because an hour is plenty.

[Savannah]

That's stupid.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

But I'm telling Savannah, add another 30 minutes. Watch what happens to your drive. It's like, relaxed. You can go to the lounge. You can relax. When I was coming here, there was a TSA agent. There were two TSA agents, and the line was huge. It was a Monday morning, and I was watching. One was incredibly helpful. You know what? You should probably go that line. It's less. And the other was a complete bureaucrat. It doesn't matter which line you take. Oh, yes, it does. But because I had that extra half an hour, it's like, oh, it's a good thing. Got in the better line, told the guy that he was great, and that was the end of it. I want to learn better ways to live, and I ain't done.

[Savannah]

I just had a conversation with a group of people the other day, and I kind of gave them an option. I was like, hey, instead of. It was with this business. And I said, instead of having these smaller bonuses throughout the year, would you rather those smaller bonuses, or would you rather the opportunity to have a week of self help to better yourself and to, you know, just give you the tools that you need? And one of them was like, no, like, I want. I want the money. I. And I'm like, okay, I understand that. And the other goes, oh, that's a tough one. He was like, it's not about the money. It's about me knowing I need to do the work and being scared to do the work.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Ooh, that's honest.

[Savannah]

And then another woman said, I would absolutely love that. I always want the opportunity to be better and do better. And you see this because you work with big corporations and so you. What would you say? Maybe you. Your book, the words in it, the impact that it has on businesses and business people.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

So for leaders and people, and I've talked to thousands, the ones who embrace it and get it, is this is common sense. But it's a great reminder. Mic drop. That's all you need. You don't have to. This is a lot of work. No, it isn't. When. And the CEOs or frontline personnel can say, it's so helpful and accessible. Thank you for writing this book. It makes me aware I'm done. That's it. So it's not complicated. If you make it complicated, people aren't going to do it. If you make it hard, people aren't going to do it. They can do this. They can smile at a stranger, they can greet someone, they can apologize. They can make a mess and then clean up the mess. They can not say the snarky thing that they're thinking. They can do the hard, difficult thing after they go, I don't feel like doing it. That's the cool part about this. You get another moment. It's like, okay, I get to do it all over again. I think that the impact in corporations and businesses and in life is profound. That's what people have told me. That's what I see. And I just want more people to get it because it's easy, not. Well, you're gonna need to know.

[Savannah]

No, there's a lot of things my generation has done that I'm like, what are you doing? I don't want to be known for this. That whatever it may be, just not my cup of tea. But one thing my generation I feel has done a great job at is the mental health aspect of things, normalizing it, that it's okay to not be okay, it's okay to ask for help. And I love that. And I. The more that companies, corporate companies look at this and it's not just a job for someone to come to work 9 to 5. When you invest in your employees and give them the opportunity for self help and growth, it's only if you're consumed with your bottom line, that's only going to increase your bottom line.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

It's so. I mean, look, you and I understand this. And unless the senior leader or leaders understand this in their mind and in their heart, we Won't be able to convince them. And that's just a reality. Some people. These are just cost. All these employees, they're just cost to me. And that's a mindset I can't help. I can only help someone who goes, you know, you're right. Thank you for helping me remember that. As opposed to, oh, my God, I don't think we want to invest in our employees. Mental well being. That's the. Like, you can't change somebody who thinks like that.

[Podcast Advertiser]

What would you say has been your most.

[Savannah]

What is a moment that has impacted you the most? With maybe someone's life or someone that maybe was like, you're full of shit. And then, you know, has then come back and said, I'm wrong or, oh.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Oh, I don't know. There's so many. I can't even. I mean, literally, there are so many. Because. Let's just cut to the chase. Honest love is very powerful. So when you tell somebody honestly something, but it's lovingly honest, and they go, wow, thank you for telling me that. I needed to hear it. What more? I mean, and they're different because of it. But anyway, that's what I used to do in therapy. But it's no different with executive coaching or with speaking. When you tell someone, you know, you shouldn't do that, they go, oh, man, I know. I need you to tell me that. Okay, So I think that's the biggest thing is there was an exec that he's a dear, dear, dear friend now, but when I first met him, he was a big shot and he was like, who are you and why are you here to see me? And he treated me poorly and he feels horrible about that now. And yet he changed completely. Not completely. He just let the softer side of his humanity out as a senior, senior, senior executive. And I'm proud of our relationship and that we went through the. Wow, he treated me like crap and now we're dear friends. Well, that's because I wasn't going to let him get away with that. And yet his wisdom and beauty is he knows that's not how he wanted to be. I mean, it was a setup. Like, he was told he had to talk to me at the time. This is 10 years ago. And, you know, so it was a setup for him. I didn't know anything about this. I was just the executive coach. And it was so beautiful because our relationship since has evolved to a beautiful stage. And that's what this work is about. Be more loving. Period. End of story. Loving to yourself and Loving to others and it can cut through a lot of garbage. A lot of garbage. So, you know, it sounds soft, but, you know, holding people accountable to their highest standards is what we're really talking about. I want to be held to the highest standard myself. I want people to be held to the highest standard. I want to be part of that.

[Savannah]

And it's possible. I think where a lot of people struggle is holding people to the highest standard while taking time to respect where they're at in life at this moment.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Ain't that the truth? Where now you're talking about compassion and empathy is equal to demanding. Like, I have a dear friend, he's a retired CEO. He said, parenting and leadership is the same. Loving and demanding of equal measures. Isn't that beautiful? Which is like, I love you, sweetie, but it's time for bed. But you can be demanding, but without loving. It's, you know, you're being a dick versus I love you. Now it's time for bed for a little kid. I love you. You can't behave like that. Yeah, I mean, both are true.

[Savannah]

Two things can be true at one time.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Exactly. You can be loving and demanding of people.

[Savannah]

And I think that's the thing to remember too. Is it all. All of this really goes back to eliminating surface conversations and getting to know why someone is the way that they are. When my boyfriend and I did this therapy a few weekends ago, one of the things they had us do was draw out a timeline of our life. First draw out your family tree, then draw out a timeline and when you actually look at the family trees, I did mine, he did his, and the therapist said now put things on there that like your family members struggle with. His was all health related issues, heart issues, his father has Alzheimer's, his. All things like this. Then you look at my family tree and it's like divorce here, loss of a child, drugs, prison, abuse, all these different things in my family tree. And I in the middle of the therapy, I literally laughed and I was like, she said to put like things they struggle with on there. He was like, I know. And I'm like, you're kidding. I'm like, mine over here is this huge tree of just trauma. His is trauma in a different way, but it's health related. And. But when you do seemed like such a stupid thing in the moment to draw out a family tree. But when you have the ability to look at where someone comes from and how trauma can genetically be passed down, you tend to have more empathy for how someone acts, reacts.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Beautiful.

[Savannah]

And you Just have a deeper understanding of where they come from.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

I'm proud of you for doing that with your boy. How old are you?

[Savannah]

27.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

I'm so proud of you for doing that at your young age. It's really emotionally mature, evolved, conscious person. Most people aren't brave enough or skilled enough combo to do that. I'm proud of you. For anyone who's listening, it's a really cool thing because what you're doing is putting it all on the table. You're being vulnerable and authentic to wonderful qualities of being heliotropic, which allows you to. To. To get to know each other and who you really are well.

[Savannah]

And that's what too many relationships are. Surface level or they're just built on the beautiful things and what looks good. And I have. I'm just a person that has a longing for wanting to feel the emotional depth.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Yeah. Realness.

[Savannah]

Yeah. And when you do that, it's like, I encourage anyone to do it. You don't even have to be in a therapy session, like, sit with your partner and draw. Draw out your family trees and put the things that they struggle with on there and you'll truly be able to see. Just, hey, this is what they come from. Again, it doesn't give them an excuse for poor behavior. Because I believe as an adult, it's your responsibility to come to terms with your trauma and figure out how you move through it.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Ta da. And you can still be conversing about your traumas, plural, in an open and mature and healthy way. And the two humans can say, whoa, I didn't know that about you. You don't have to solve it. You don't have to fix it. You don't have to put it in a box. You don't have to tidy it all up. You can say, wow, that allows me to understand you a lot better, period. It doesn't define you, but it allows me to understand what you have gone through and what. What triggers might show up for you that I'll understand now that I know your history and what happened to you. Well, it happened for you also. So, like everything.

[Savannah]

Well, it's like you said, you can love someone while still demanding the best out of them. But then it goes back to part of that understanding. The person that you're speaking to is some people may have had a childhood to where love was used as a pawn to do to get what this person needed. So if you don't do this, I'm not gonna love you. Or. And so then it's even more important to Let that person know, hey, I love you, but you're better than this.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Beautiful. And remember that you're not the partner is not your parent. Your partner is not the person who did this to you. Hey, I'm over here. I'm me. I'm. I didn't treat you. I don't want to treat you like that. It's great that I know that that's what your parent did to you. It's unfortunate. I'll never do that. I will not hold out, my love. As long as you do six other things. I ain't going to do that. Beautiful.

[Savannah]

How would you say your lessons and the things in your book, how has that changed your parenting? Because now you have grandchildren.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

I don't. I wish I had grandchildren. They're 30. My two sons, they're fraternal sons. One of my sons is married in December and just got married, thank you very much. And my other son, his twin, his fraternal twin who gave the best man speech. He's still looking for a mate.

[Savannah]

Okay.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

I'm not gonna embarrass him by saying anything else. Oh, my gosh. My job as a parent of 33 year olds at this stage, how has this book helped me? Oh, my God.

[Savannah]

My parents have always said the hardest thing is parenting adult children.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

And I'm still learning. I'm in the learning mode. I want to be the most supportive, helpful, wise, good influence in their lives forever. And just yesterday morning, I spoke with my son about a circumstance about dating and job and stuff. And my job is to talk, talk less, listen more, and make him feel like dad was a good sounding board and a good guide. And I can always talk to my dad. That's the way I want to think about my grown children now. I want to be such a positive influence. I got so much wisdom. My thing is not wanting to hose them down with all that I know and talk too much about, you know what you should do? You know what you should do? I want to just be this amazing force that helps them be better human beings as best I can. And I don't know how to do that other than be loving, not more demanding. But if I think they're doing something stupid, I'm allowed to say, well, I don't think it's wise. And literally that's what I said yesterday. And I hope I did it in a way. Well, I think I know I did that. He didn't feel like I'm telling him he shouldn't or I'm telling him he couldn't or he's stupid for thinking that way. I want him to feel like my dad's got my back. He believes in me, believes that I can do anything, but he's not afraid to tell me when he thinks I'm full of it. I want to be that guy. And I'm not done.

[Savannah]

That's so important.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Yeah. I want to be such a wise sage that, you know, they both speak at my memorial when I'm at, you know, when I'm done and gone, that they say really kind words and think about me in that way, like. Like my dad gave me a lot. That's what I want.

[Savannah]

Well, I think you've done an incredible job because even just listening to your book, having you here today, just your presence and it's. It truly is life changing. So thank you.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

That's so sweet of you. I mean, that's so sweet of you. Thank you. Let's help. Let's help a ton more people. If it was life changing for you, let's help. I don't know a billion people.

[Savannah]

So where can people find your book?

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Two ways. BethesdaNotTheSalt.com has tons of free videos and Instagram posts on our podcast. And me talking about this stuff. You can order it from Be the Sun, not the Salt, or you can get it on Amazon. I'd like for everybody to buy a bunch and give them away.

[Savannah]

We love that.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

And give them away. And then. And don't just read it, use it. Open up any page and go, oh, yeah, that's a good reminder. I don't know what Tomorrow's chapter is. 29th, I think. It's just frickin I don't know. What's chapter 29? What's tomorrow?

[Savannah]

Let's see, chapter 29.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

That's tomorrow.

[Savannah]

Be an Olympic listener.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Exactly. So tomorrow you can remind yourself, oh, that's right. Put my cell phone away. Ask more questions. Be a better listener. And this book and the practice of it can do what you just said. It can be life changing. Certainly is for me. I'm a better human being. And I was always a good human being, but I'm a little bit better. I talk less and listen more, you know, And I'm not done.

[Savannah]

That's a key. And you can get his audiobook too, which I recommend. I love that.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

It's four bucks, I think.

[Savannah]

Yeah, I love the audiobook. Love it.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

Listen to you. And you know what?

[Savannah]

I think we'll end on the last chapter. The 29th chapter, like you said, listening tips. There's A whole list. Look people in the eye. Put away your cell phone. Put away your cell phone. Worth repeating. Speak less than you think you should. Ask short questions. Try to learn something. Be curious. Be respectful. Smile. Don't interrupt. Don't talk about yourself. Don't look elsewhere while listening. Don't prepare your remarks while listening. And don't lose your temper. If you practice Olympic listening, you will never lose. I love that. That's amazing. Well, thank you so much, Dr. Harry Cohen, for coming on. Guys, go find his book, Be the sun, not the salt. I love it. And just. Just give it a try. Also, I think this will be great to listen to in the car with your children. That's where you make the most change. All right.

[Podcast Advertiser]

I may not be as funny as Nikki Laser.

[Savannah]

I want to pitch a series of, like, calendars where men are just crying in a therapist's office or punching a pillow and working out their anger towards their dad.

[Podcast Advertiser]

But I do have my moments. I actually have full conversations with the moon. Yes, I try to keep it pretty balanced on this podcast. A little fun dance between comedy therapy, self medicating. Oh, and sorry if you haven't guessed. Hi, I'm Caitlin Bristowe, host of off the vine podcast, where we like to just keep things loose and keep them raw and keep them real. Like when we have listeners call in and give confessions.

[Savannah]

And then that glass of wine progressed into me becoming a unicorn for them, so.

[Podcast Advertiser]

But we do, and I promise you this, try to keep it honest and vulnerable. So jump on the wagon, not off. Grab your favorite bottle of wine, preferably spade and sparrows, and join the vinos. Have yourself a time. The off the vine podcast is available wherever you get your podcasts.

[Caitlin Bristowe]

At Pluto tv, we're celebrating Black History Month with our curated collection of black content all streaming for free. Find groundbreaking films including Silva, Django, Unchained Ali, and Coach Carter.

[Dr. Harry Cohen]

You have an incredible gift up here.

[Caitlin Bristowe]

Gripping series like Power and the Game, next level comedies, music video channels and more. Brilliant black entertainment, intentionally curated and all free this month and always on Pluto tv. Stream now pay never.