Podcast Summary: UNRULY WITH SHELAH MARIE – Episode 16: We All Deserve Good Sex ft. Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens

Introduction In Episode 16 of UNRULY WITH SHELAH MARIE, host Shelah Marie engages in a profound conversation with Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens, a psychologist, sexologist, and upcoming author of Good Sex. The episode delves deep into the realms of sexual liberation, reclaiming pleasure as a birthright, and navigating the intricate intersections of generational trauma and cultural narratives that shape Black women's experiences of sexuality.

1. Defining Good Sex Sheila Marie begins the episode by setting an engaging tone, expressing her excitement to speak with Dr. Candice about the concept of good sex.

• Icebreaker Question: Shelah asks Dr. Candice to define "good sex" in three words.

  • Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [04:34]: “Transcendent, pleasurable, and communicative. I want sex to elevate me, to feel a communion with my partner, whether it's myself or my husband.”

  • Sheila Marie [05:14]: Adopts "transcendent" from Dr. Candice and adds her own terms: “fun, playful, and fulfilling for both of us.”

2. The Joy of Working in Sexual Wellness Shelah inquires about the most joyful aspect of Dr. Candice's work in sexual wellness.

• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [06:05]: “I love sharing my research with people who won’t read my journal articles. It’s about us having meaningful conversations about sex, grounded in tangible, real information.”

  • Sheila Marie [06:57]: Appreciates the grounding of conversations in research, stating, “Especially in this age with social media, having research-based discussions helps combat misinformation.”

3. Sexual Liberation Redefined The conversation shifts to the nuanced understanding of sexual liberation.

• Shelah Marie [15:35]: Defines liberation as the ability to choose authentically what one wants in their sexual life.

• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [12:46]: “Liberation is living your authentic sexual self—knowing what you truly want and making decisions that align with your desires, without societal impositions.”

  • Key Insight: Liberation varies individually. For some, it may mean monogamy and deep connection, while for others, it may involve diverse sexual experiences. Both are valid forms of liberation if they align with personal desires.

4. Impact of Generational Trauma on Black Women's Sexuality Exploring the depths of generational trauma, Shelah and Dr. Candice discuss its profound effects on Black women's sexual experiences.

• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [16:41]: “Black women have been exploited, dehumanized, and assaulted, creating responses rooted in trauma. These intergenerational trauma responses were adaptive at one point but need to evolve now.”

  • Sheila Marie [19:00]: Highlights the gap between understanding and implementing change, emphasizing the need for compassion and patience in personal growth.

5. Reclaiming Pleasure as a Birthright A pivotal segment focuses on understanding and reclaiming pleasure.

• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [20:32]: Introduces the concept of "pleasure worthiness," affirming inherent worthiness to experience pleasure regardless of external circumstances or self-perception.

  • Sheila Marie [23:06]: Emphasizes that good sex transcends physical pleasure, incorporating emotional and psychological fulfillment.

• Key Quote: “Good sex is more than just physical pleasure. It’s an exercise in how we stand for ourselves, how we love and enjoy without betraying our true selves.” [23:12]

6. Overcoming Sexual Shame Addressing the pervasive issue of sexual shame, especially among Black women.

• Sheila Marie [25:07]: Shares personal experiences of shame related to her body and past, questioning its prevalence among listeners.

• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [25:08]: “Sexual shaming is very common. Whether it's being labeled as 'fast' or facing criticism for how you present your body, these messages are ingrained and affect how women perceive their own sexuality.”

  • Impact: Such shame often stems from societal messages rather than personal truths, hindering women from embracing their sexuality fully.

7. Community and Sexual Liberation The role of community support in fostering sexual liberation.

• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [34:36]: “Affirmation from other Black women about sexual experiences and decision-making is crucial. A supportive community can normalize conversations about sex, making them affirming rather than taboo.”

  • Sheila Marie [35:48]: Highlights her role as an auntie, offering a safe space for younger women to discuss their sexual journeys without judgment.

8. Practical Tools for Embracing Sensuality The episode transitions into actionable advice for listeners.

• Yes, No, Maybe So List:

  • Step One: Identify what you love (Yes).

  • Step Two: Recognize what you don’t enjoy (No).

  • Step Three: Acknowledge what’s conditional for you (Maybe So).

  • Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [44:17]: “This list helps you honor your desires and set boundaries. It’s a first step towards understanding and embracing your sexuality.”

• Affirming Body Positivity:

  • Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [50:00]: “Affirm your body verbally or through writing. Statements like ‘I love my body as it is, changes and all’ reinforce body positivity and self-love.”

  • Sheila Marie [50:27]: Echoes the affirmation, emphasizing gratitude for her body’s capabilities.

9. Addressing Misconceptions About Sexual Liberation Debunking common myths surrounding sexual liberation.

• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [41:43]: “One misconception is that sexual liberation must conform to certain stereotypes. Liberation can look different for everyone, aligned with individual values and authenticity.”

  • Another Myth: Sexual healing is a solitary journey.
    • Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens: “Healing and liberation are collective processes, requiring solidarity and trust within communities.”

10. Conclusion and Final Affirmations Wrapping up the episode, the hosts emphasize ongoing dialogue and personal empowerment.

• Key Affirmation: “I love my body as it is, changes and all.” [54:59]

• Final Thoughts:

  • Shelia Marie [55:04]: Encourages listeners to stay bold, liberated, and unruly.
  • Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [55:18]: Reiterates the importance of community and continuous support.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [04:34]: “Transcendent, pleasurable, and communicative. I want sex to elevate me.”
• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [12:46]: “Liberation is living your authentic sexual self—knowing what you truly want and making decisions that align with your desires.”
• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [20:32]: “Pleasure worthiness is inherent. You are worthy of all the good life has to offer.”
• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [25:08]: “Sexual shaming is very common. These messages are ingrained and affect how women perceive their own sexuality.”
• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [34:36]: “Affirmation from other Black women is crucial for normalizing and affirming conversations about sex.”
• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [41:43]: “Sexual liberation must align with individual values and authenticity.”
• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [50:00]: “Affirm your body verbally or through writing to reinforce body positivity and self-love.”
• Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens [54:59]: “I love my body as it is, changes and all.”

Final Takeaways Episode 16 of UNRULY WITH SHELAH MARIE offers a rich exploration of sexual liberation through the lens of Black women's experiences. Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens provides insightful perspectives on overcoming shame, the importance of community, and practical tools for embracing one's sensuality. The conversation underscores the importance of authenticity, self-love, and collective support in redefining what good sex means on individual terms. Listeners are encouraged to engage in self-reflection, utilize practical tools like the Yes, No, Maybe So list, and participate in supportive communities to foster their journey toward sexual liberation.

Additional Resources

• Pre-order Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens' Book: Good Sex is available for pre-order on Amazon, Bookshop, and Barnes & Noble.
• Connect with Dr. Candice Nicole Hardens: Follow her on Instagram (@Dr.CandiceNicole), Threads, Facebook, or visit drcandisnicole.com for more insights and updates on her work.

For more transformative conversations and practical tools to enhance your well-being, subscribe to UNRULY WITH SHELAH MARIE and join the movement towards becoming unruly.