22: Let That Sh*t Go! Release What’s Holding You Back ft. Oludara Adeeyo

Summary

Podcast Summary: UNRULY WITH SHELAH MARIE
Episode 22: Let That Sh*t Go! Release What’s Holding You Back ft. Oludara Adeeyo
Release Date: March 4, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 22 of Unruly with Shelah Marie, host Shelah Marie engages in a profound conversation with mental health therapist and author Oludara Adeeyo. This episode delves deep into the transformative process of letting go, particularly focusing on the unique challenges faced by Black women in embracing self-love, acceptance, and holistic wellness.

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Meet the Guest: Oludara Adeeyo

Shelah Marie introduces Oludara Adeeyo as a "powerhouse" in the mental health arena, highlighting her work as an author and self-advocate dedicated to helping Black women reclaim their wellness. Oludara is celebrated for her books, including Self Care for Black Women, Affirmations for Black Women, and her latest release, Meditations for Black Women. Shelhah emphasizes Oludara’s commitment to providing practical tools and inspiration for personal growth.

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Personal Journey: From Media to Mental Health

Oludara shares her transition from a career in media, where she worked with prominent outlets like XXL and Cosmopolitan, to the mental health sector. This shift was catalyzed by the passing of her mother in 2013, after seven years of caregiving. Oludara reflects:

"I had to let go of the vision I had of my career in journalism... I had to accept that maybe that's just not what my life is supposed to be."
[05:54]

She discusses the toll that high-stress environments can take on one’s mental health and the importance of finding fulfillment beyond societal expectations.

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Lessons from Grief and Self-Care

Oludara recounts the significant lessons learned from watching her mother battle illness, emphasizing the urgency of pursuing personal happiness without delay:

"Don't wait to pursue your happiness."
[11:04]

Shelhah connects this to the common pitfall of postponing self-care until achieving certain milestones, urging listeners to integrate small acts of self-care into their daily lives immediately.

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Defining Self-Care Beyond the Surface

The conversation shifts to the essence of self-care, moving beyond superficial social media portrayals to genuine practices that nurture the mind and body. Oludara outlines her personal self-care routine:

• Resting and Therapy: Despite being a therapist herself, Oludara emphasizes the importance of having her own therapist to address personal traumas.*

"Self care for me, it looks like resting, it looks like I go to therapy."
[12:43]

• Community and Connection: She highlights the value of a supportive community in maintaining mental health.

"Community is a very, my family is a very big part of that."
[13:14]

• Physical Routines: Maintaining physical health through sleep, hydration, and movement.

"Trying to drink enough water... making sure I'm taking my shower every day."
[17:06]

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Psychological Barriers to Letting Go

Oludara delves into the psychological challenges that hinder the process of letting go. She explains the concept of the "stages of change" and how being overly focused on the change itself can prevent actual progress:

"We're caught up in just like the thought of it all... I'm caught up in just like, being afraid to make a step."
[18:11]

She encourages self-compassion and patience, recognizing that contemplating change is a valid part of the journey.

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Redefining Strength and Overcoming Societal Expectations

A significant portion of the episode tackles the societal narrative that equates suffering with strength, a belief deeply ingrained in many Black women. Oludara and Shelah discuss the importance of reimagining strength as emotional vulnerability:

Shelah Marie shares her perspective:

"The true strength is in feeling emotions... we have to name emotions. That is a true strength."
[26:24]

Oludara Adeeyo concurs, emphasizing that vulnerability is a form of resilience:

"Vulnerability is strength... you are allowed to have your feelings."
[26:24]

They advocate for embracing emotions as signals rather than signs of weakness, challenging the notion that Black women must always be the unbreakable pillars in their communities.

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Debunking Myths About Self-Care

Oludara addresses prevalent myths that deter Black women from prioritizing self-care:

1. "You don't have time for self-care."

   "You always have time for it. Even five minutes a day is good."
   [29:38]

2. Self-Care is Selfish:
   She argues that taking care of oneself is essential to effectively care for others, debunking the idea that self-care detracts from one's responsibilities.

Shelah Marie adds:

"I want to prioritize myself... but I feel like the guilt and shame is stopping me."
[30:55]

Oludara encourages listeners to embrace being "the villain" in others' stories if it means prioritizing their wellness, reassuring them that change is a natural and necessary part of growth.

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Practical Tools for Letting Go

Shelah Marie and Oludara Adeeyo discuss actionable strategies to facilitate the process of letting go:

1. Acknowledge and Share:

   "Acknowledge it... tell someone who can hold you accountable."
   [22:12]

2. Embrace Emotions:
   Recognize and accept emotions without judgment, allowing oneself to feel and process them fully.

3. Counterintuitive Approach:
   Shelhah introduces a method from parts work, which involves confronting fears directly rather than avoiding them:

   "Instead of running from the fears... run and dive right into the waves."
   [40:07]

4. Affirmations:
   Oludara highlights powerful affirmations from her book, such as:

   "I give myself permission to live my life according to my own plans."
   [39:22]

5. Therapeutic Modalities:
   Discussion about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy as an effective tool for trauma resolution.

   "EMDR helped you work through your phobia of pests?"
   [35:04]

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Highlighting Oludara’s Work: Meditations for Black Women

Oludara introduces her latest book, Meditations for Black Women, a collection of 75 mindful meditations designed to inspire and empower Black women. Each meditation is paired with quotes from influential Black women and includes reflections and actionable items to encourage personal growth.

A favorite affirmation from the book shared during the episode:

"I give myself permission to live my life according to my own plans."
[39:22]

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Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Shelah and Oludara conclude the episode by reiterating the importance of self-care and letting go as acts of self-empowerment. They encourage listeners to prioritize their well-being, embrace vulnerability, and break free from societal pressures to live authentically.

Shelah Marie wraps up with a powerful reminder:

"Letting go is not losing, it's winning. It is being the version of yourself that you choose to be."
[46:03]

Shelhah invites listeners to support Oludara’s work and continue the conversation around self-care and personal growth within their communities.

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Key Takeaways

• Embrace Vulnerability: Recognize that feeling and expressing emotions is a form of strength, not weakness.
• Prioritize Self-Care: Even small, consistent acts of self-care can significantly enhance well-being.
• Let Go to Move Forward: Releasing what no longer serves you can free you from stagnation and promote personal growth.
• Community Support: Surrounding yourself with a supportive community can aid in the journey of self-improvement.
• Practical Tools: Utilize affirmations, therapy methods like EMDR, and actionable strategies to facilitate letting go.

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Notable Quotes

• Oludara Adeeyo:

  "Don't wait to pursue your happiness."
  [11:04]

• Shelah Marie:

  "The true strength is in feeling emotions... we have to name emotions. That is a true strength."
  [26:24]

• Oludara Adeeyo:

  "I give myself permission to live my life according to my own plans."
  [39:22]

• Shelah Marie:

  "Letting go is not losing, it's winning. It is being the version of yourself that you choose to be."
  [46:03]

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Connect with Oludara Adeeyo

• Website: oludaradio.com
• Social Media: Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, Threads (@oludaraadio)
• Book: Meditations for Black Women available on Amazon and major bookstores.

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Tune in to Unruly with Shelah Marie weekly for more transformative conversations on culture, wellness, and personal growth.

Transcript

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[Sheila Marie]

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[Oludara Adeyo]

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[Oludara Adeyo]

And more resetting and downward dog.

[Sheila Marie]

Learn [e-mail] US Explore Platinum Terms apply. Welcome to Unruly. I'm your host, Sheila Marie. I'm an author, a fierce advocate for Black women, and the founder of the curvy Curly conscious movement. In this space, I'm sharing what I've learned on my own journey while sitting down with some amazing women who are all navigating their own paths to healing. Because there's no better time than now to get a little unruly. Hey, y'all. Welcome back to Unruly. You know, the podcast where we get real deep and free. Because above all, unruly is about the freedom to choose a life that works for you. I'm your host, you know, your girl, Sheila Marie. And today we're talking about something that doesn't necessarily get talked enough about in our community, and that is the art of letting go. We, as black women are often taught to hold it all together. Our pride rests in how much we can hold our relationships, our careers, our responsibilities, our expectations, and a lot of times at the expense of our own peace. But I am wondering with this episode, what happens when we release what no longer serves us? And what if holding on is actually keeping us stuck? You know, are you. Are you nodding your head over there? Yes. Yes, friend, yes. And more importantly, even if we know we need to let go, how do we do it? So to break all of this down, I have the incredible Oludara Adeyo today with me. Now, if you don't know Alu Dhara, she is a powerhouse. She's a mental health therapist, she's a author, she's a self advocate helping Black women reclaim their wellness. We love that. We stand for her. She's written Self Care for Black Women, Affirmations for Black, A journal, and her latest book, congratulations in Advance, Meditations for black women, which is all about finding peace in the chaos. And I don't need to tell you, there's an abundance of chaos right now. Okay? So today we're gonna dive right in to self care, and not just like the cute Instagramm, you know, tiktoky way of self care. We're getting deep, maybe uncomfortable, and talking about the necessary process of releasing what no longer serves you. So let's get into it. Welcome to Unruly Oludara.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Thank you so much for having me here. I'm excited to be here.

[Sheila Marie]

Yes. I have to say, in our research, preparing for you, you have such a fun energy about you. You have such a light. What I love is that we're talking about something that can be very heavy and very deep, but do, like, everything you put out, you put it out through this very fun, light lens. Like, you have a lot of levity, and I absolutely love that. And I want to ask you a little later about how do you keep that with all things considered? So let's start with you. Oh, actually, no, let's do. I want an icebreaker. I have two icebreaker questions for you. So when's. What's the last thing? And this could be a big or a small thing that you let go of. And how did it feel?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Ooh, what was the last thing? How real do I want to get? The last thing I let go of was a dusty man, but period.

[Sheila Marie]

Don't let my dusty slime stress you.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes, but that. But I would say the last thing I really let go of was self judgment. If I can really think, like, most recently, you know, just letting go of judging myself in the expectations that I give myself of. And, like, when. And so what really happened was that I was not feeling well, but I wanted to work out, but I was just like, I really don't think I should work out. And I had to let go of, like, this judgment of, like, okay, so why are you. Why is it such a big deal for you that you don't feel well? Like, you shouldn't work out? It's okay. It doesn't say anything about you. You're gonna work out again another day. So I had to let go of just, like, judging myself of what not working out that day said about myself.

[Sheila Marie]

Right. And not making this big statement, making this whole story about it. I love that. And last icebreaker is if you could go back and give your younger self one affirmation to repeat every day, what would it be?

[Oludara Adeyo]

If I could go back and give myself One affirmation I could repeat every day, it would be, you are more than enough.

[Sheila Marie]

Me too. Me too. Me too. That seems to be a common thread with a lot of women that I speak to. Not feeling enoughness in ourselves. So now let's start with you because you have a very interesting career. You've worked at media outlets like XXL and Cosmopolitan. And so you have a background in media and editing. But. But now you're shifting more into a mental health arena. And I want to know what inspired that shift and do you see any overlap between those two industries?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yeah, you know, so what started that shift was so my mother passed away in 2013, and before that I was her, her caregiver for about seven years. While working in media. While working at Cosmo. While working. Well, while working at Cosmo, my mom passed away. But I'm sorry. Yeah. And so thank you. You know, and it's been 11 years now. So it's like I'm on the other side of, I'm on a different side of the grief where talking about it isn't as. Doesn't sting as much. But you know, while she was sick and I realized that while she didn't take care of herself, she didn't take her. Not taking care of herself contributed to her illness. So she had an autoimmune disease, but she had rheumatoid arthritis that just progressed into her not really being able to move. And it just developed all these other health issues from all the medications she was on. And so it made me reflect because I was in my early 20s when I was taking care of her. So it was like high school, college after college. And so it made me really reflect on what my mom's self care or lack of self care taught me and how I was taking care of myself. So I had to really, I would say that was the first time I really had to look at myself and be like, okay, well what am I doing to take care of myself? What have I learned about work ethic that makes me want to sacrifice my well being? And so from there, you know, I had left my job when I was working at Cosmo and I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. And I ended up at xxl. And even there I was just like, you know what? I don't want to do this. This is stressing me out. You know, it's music. So the music industry can be very toxic, especially hip hop.

[Sheila Marie]

You ain't gotta tell me twice, sister. Okay.

[Oludara Adeyo]

And so I was just kind of like, I was having a moment with myself. One, I was depressed from all the work and stress. And then I was like, what am I doing? I need to be enjoying my life. And thankfully I had really, I have really great friends, I have really great girlfriends who were like, okay, like, you're clearly depressed. Like, what, what are we gonna do? What are you gonna do? And you know, I had friends who suggested social work. I didn't wanna go back to grad school or go to grad school and like. But I was just like, you know, I need to find what is fulfilling to me. And so I had to let go of like the vision I had of my career in journalism. I had to let go of the idea of like, oh, I'd be this high power working magazine editor living in New York, like married to, living in the tri state area and like working in New York. I was just like, so like, oh my God, this is gonna be my life. Movie esque, whatever. So I really had to let go of that and accept that maybe that's just not what my life is supposed to be. And once I like let go of that and I leaned into what I enjoyed, which at the time, at the time was being a nanny, I was like, let me go be a nanny.

[Sheila Marie]

Oh, how cute.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes. I love, I love working with children. And so I was, I thought I would become a teacher. And I was like, oh, let me go do this. This. It brings me joy. Not as much stress. And because while I was working in working with children, my nervous system calmed down. I wasn't as stressed.

[Sheila Marie]

Wow, that is. I never hear that. I never hear someone say, I worked with children. And my nervous system calmed down. I love this.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes, yes, I know. It cleared my mind. I mean, I just find working with children so easy. But I quickly learned I didn't want to be a teacher because of all the bureaucracy.

[Sheila Marie]

Yep, me too. Same.

[Oludara Adeyo]

That's the stress.

[Sheila Marie]

I love working with kids. I do not like the adults that work with kids a lot of the times and all of the red tape and all of the. I won't. This is a side note, guys. I once worked at a school and I was working as a teaching artist. So I'm not a full time teacher. That means I'm a teacher that pushes into a teacher's classroom and I just love to do artsy things or whatever. And so like we were teachers, there was two of us, we were teaching artists and we would help this teacher and we helped her make this beautiful. Like, there was a theme, it was like cherry blossom theme or something, I can't remember. We were celebrating cherry blossom season. And so our door, like, everybody decorated their doors in the hallway, and our door was so gorgeous. And the next time, next day I came, it was taken down, and they had found out because it was so beautiful that they found a way to say, oh, actually, y'all not allowed to help the teacher or something. And I was like, you know what?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Oh, my gosh.

[Sheila Marie]

You know what? I am not doing this right now. So I feel you. I feel you. There's a lot. There's a lot going on there, right?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Just a lot.

[Sheila Marie]

So can I. Can I actually want to ask you one question. What was the major lesson that you learned from watching your mother at the end stage of life? What was the lesson that you took from that?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Mm. One of the major lessons, I would say, is don't wait to pursue your happiness. Because my mother. So she was a Nigerian immigrant, and we had a great life growing up. My father provided for us very well. But my mom couldn't really figure out what she wanted to do with her life. And she was always in school. I remember. I just. All my life, she was always in school for different things like cosmetology and towards other. Towards the end of her life, she was working towards her nursing degree. And that was something she said to me while she was bedridden, was like, you know, I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life, and now my life is almost over. And so that was one lesson that I was like, you know what? Like, stop wasting time. Like, don't waste time to pursue what you want to do and see where it could go.

[Sheila Marie]

So, yes, I love that lesson that there's. It's like this oasis in the desert. It's always this thing. Well, later, well, when I get to this amount of money, then I'll do it. Or when I lose this weight, then I'll do it. And when I get the partner, and then I'll do it. And when I get. And then it just keeps going and life keeps happening. And you look up and you're like, wow, 10 years have passed. And so I always say, like, how can you implement little pieces of what you want to do in your life right now? Get it started. Absolutely, guys. So if you are listening, this is your sign, all right? And so you talk a lot about self care, but I'm curious about your personal self care. Like, what does self care look like for you when you're overwhelmed and you feel like you just need a Reset.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yeah. So self care for me, it looks like resting, it looks like I go to therapy. Even though I'm a therapist, I still have a therapist taking care of my mental health, addressing my traumas. I talk to my friends. I have a lot of great friends who also are taking care of themselves.

[Sheila Marie]

I noticed that about you. I was like, I was inferring from. I was like, she seems so invested in community and I absolutely love that. And do you consider that part of your self care?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes, I consider that community. Community, community. I'm a big proponent of it. I love getting input from smart women, smart people in my life.

[Sheila Marie]

I love it. I'm surrounded by people, women that are so much smarter than me. And I'm like, you're so. I love it. I don't want to be the smartest one in the room.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes. And just different insight that can help you look at things differently. And also like, you know, sometimes you can't see you and the people in your life can see you. And, you know, and that's what happened when I was working in journalism. I had a friend when I was working at xxl, she was like, girl, you're depressed. And I was like, you know what? You're right. Let me go figure out my life. Yes. And. Cause sometimes we're just so hyper focused, especially as black women, we're just so hyper focused that we don't even realize all the things we're going through. So yes, my friends, you know, my community is a very. My family, very big part of that. Maintaining a routine. And also like speaking up for myself and holding. Not holding in my feelings and expressing how I feel to the people in my lives or if, you know, someone wrongs me, not being afraid to speak up for myself.

[Sheila Marie]

Okay, so two questions. What are some routines that you stick to and why? And then how do you speak up for yourself? That can be hard. Some people fear. I don't want to speak up because I don't want to offend somebody or it's going to be this whole big thing. I'll just keep the peace. So how do you find speaking up for yourself?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yeah.

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[Oludara Adeyo]

So one the speaking up for myself was a journey. Just because I grew up, you know, like, not holding in my feelings, ignoring my needs. And so that was a journey of just, like, speaking up to friends and speaking up to safe people. I always encourage, like, speaking up to safe people who love you.

[Sheila Marie]

Speaking up to safe people.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yeah. Who will, like, not make you feel bad for saying no. So I would say I start with saying no because I learned by myself that, like, I'm a bit introverted. So, like, I sometimes need to replenish my energy by myself. So I've learned to be like, no, I'm not gonna go. Or, you know, I'm gonna go for only like 30 minutes and. Or, you know, just learning to say no. And my life, who I say no to, who love me, they're like, okay, like, you know, don't make me feel bad about it because I might make myself feel bad about saying no and speaking up about how I feel, but they're always like, understand no. Yeah, validate my feelings and, you know, healthy conflict resolution. So I would say speaking up to safe people. So those are people you trust. Those are people who you know will validate your feelings. People who will not make you feel bad for expressing yourself. Yeah. And so like, and so I know, like, sometimes you feel safe around family, but sometimes family may not be the person you want to be like, no to because they also may want to overstep your boundaries. And the routine I maintain. Trying to go to bed at the same time every night, sometimes that's a struggle, but it is. That is one thing.

[Sheila Marie]

I'm just. One more.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes, yes. Let me just scroll a little bit more.

[Sheila Marie]

Scroll a little bit. One more real. One more TikTok.

[Oludara Adeyo]

And trying to drink enough water. A lot of my routines now are physical just because in the last couple years I experienced burnout from my social work job. So I'm trying to replenish my health. And so my focus is getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, moving my body, so making sure my ring on my apple watch with the steps and whatever is meeting that requirement. And simple things is like, make sure I'm taking my shower every day, you know, like taking care of myself.

[Sheila Marie]

Sometimes the simplest things are the ones that are most powerful. I want to talk about the process of letting go, because letting go is not a one step deal. And it's almost like a series of decisions or actions in my mind. And it sounds nice like even me, I know there's things I need to let go of, but I don't know necessarily I'm not ready yet or I don't get there. Can you talk from your clinical perspective? Like, what are, like, the real psychological barriers that make it hard for us to let go?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yeah, you know, the real psychological barriers also that exist when trying to let go is like we have something called in my field, the stages of change. And sometimes we can get stuck in, like, just thinking about the change. Right. So thinking about the change is actually a step in making the change. And sometimes we can get so stuck in, like, being afraid to make a step. And so we're just constantly thinking about what we want to do, how we want to let something go. We're caught up in the emotion of not trusting ourselves that if we let go of something or if we change something, that we may not be able to handle that emotionally. And so oftentimes we're caught up in just like the thought of it all. And I would say that's usually a barrier, but I will say that is also a step. So it's also like acceptance that, like, okay, me thinking about wanting to let go is also part of the process. And maybe I shouldn't judge myself. Give myself grace, give myself time. And when I'm ready, I will let go.

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[Sheila Marie]

What would be the first step that someone should take if they go, okay, I'm having a realization in my mind. I feel like I should let go of this thing. But now what? What do I do with this.

[Oludara Adeyo]

First step? Acknowledge it, you know, right? Acknowledge it. Tell someone, you know, maybe tell someone who can hold you accountable. Tell someone that you want to make a change so that you can. Because sometimes verbalizing it allows it to actually like happen. Gets you closer to.

[Sheila Marie]

Makes it real.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Makes it real. So if it's not a friend or loved one, it's maybe a therapist if you have one. Like telling them what changes you want to make and just so someone can hold you accountable and check in on you and see how you're doing with what you want to do.

[Sheila Marie]

I love that again, community. When it comes to black women, a lot of us were raised to believe that suffering means we're strong, right? The more we suffer, the holier we are, the more merit. You know, it's like we're better. We've adorned it like made it something to be very proud of to suffer and so how do we begin to unlearn that?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Oof. Right? That's a hard one to unlearn, isn't it? It's necessary, though, right? Like, you really. You need to learn that one. Oh, I think. I think what we can do is, like, acknowledging it again, like, acknowledging that, like, okay, maybe I have a problem with, like, needing to be the strong one. Getting in community with other women you may seem are strong because sometimes when we feel like we're the strong one and we have to hold the crown and do all the things, we don't realize that we can actually have help. So being. Getting comfortable with asking for help, asking for help, getting in community with others who want to help, who are just as strong as you or as smart as you, and also doing things that you enjoy, doing things that you enjoy that make you feel soft, make you feel loved. Because often I notice that, especially with myself, if I'm like, too feeling too, like, I've gotta take on the whole world. I haven't done anything to take care of myself. So it's doing things that you enjoy, so you can really, like, relax yourself and begin to believe. Like, okay, I can. I don't need to hold the world on my shoulders. I can do other things, you know?

[Sheila Marie]

Yes. And I think for me, one thing that I had to reframe what strong means because I'm a very naturally sensitive and emotional being. I love crying. Meaning, like, I cry at art. I cry when something is beautiful, when it moves me, when something is so cute. Like, it's just. I experience full range of emotion. And I find that, like, a lot of times I struggled with, like, being called weak because I have emotions. And I actually feel like the true strength is in feeling emotions, because that's what we're all running from anyway. That's what you're all suppressing anyway, is the feeling of feeling vulnerable, feeling like you're the loss of control, feeling the death of something. Right. The death of an illusion of self, or what you thought this relationship was gonna be or what you had hopes for. And, like, I feel that a lot of times we're taught to just bul. Bulldoze through that. And that's what it means to be strong. But that always catches up with us, even in the. Even in your story about your mother. Like, a lot of our mothers, we have stories about our mothers where they just. It caught up with them later. All of that. Suppressing, repressing all of that, ignoring their feelings. So I have to remind myself all the time that Sheila, you Are strong for being able to feel your feelings and being able to name emotions. That is a true strength. And emotional intelligence. So if there are any sensitive. Sally's out there listening, like me. Are strong. Sensitivity is strong.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Absolutely. And I'm glad you said that. I 100% agree. I think vulnerability is strength. I think reframing what you think strength and resilience is. Is important. And recognizing that you are allowed to have your feelings. And, you know, I like what you said. You're like, when we're trying to be strong, we're suppressing our emotions. And as a therapist, I'm going to tell you, absolutely not. Let's not do. Because you're suppressing all this. It's just gonna. You know, putting stuff under the rug doesn't hide it. It's just gonna mount and it's gonna come out some other way.

[Sheila Marie]

Every single time I do that I pay for comes back with a vengeance. I'm like, oh, shit. I thought I was just brushing this up. And now I'm like, ra. You know, through the house, like, wait, wait, wait. So, yeah, I think it's very important. I think also, too, it's just something that I feel. A lot of black women need permission. A lot of us need to be told, you can feel your feelings. You are not defective. You're not weak. But a lot of black men. I hear my community in my head, like, yeah, but if I feel my feelings, I can get trampled on. That can make me a target. That can make me easy to be manipulated. So it's maybe a maladaptive behavior maybe, to do that. I don't know. What do you think?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yeah, absolutely. I think, you know, I think emotions are. I call them signals. I call them like they are. They're just giving us information. It's not necessarily sending a message about who you are as a person. And so it's important to really reframe and really look at. Okay, I'm feeling angry, frustrated right now. It doesn't make me a bad person. It's okay to be angry. Why am I angry? What is going on? Do I feel.

[Sheila Marie]

And anger can be righteous?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes. Yes.

[Sheila Marie]

Sorry.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Sometimes it's okay to be angry. Okay? Like, you have a right to be angry because, yeah, someone did do you wrong. So go be angry, you know, so.

[Sheila Marie]

Right. And, yeah, a lot of us, you know, we were taught to be good girls. You know, we were taught to be nice. We were taught to be unassuming. And, you know, anger, that's not pretty. That's not nice. And So a lot of us are still those little girls in these big girl bodies trying to work through it.

[Oludara Adeyo]

You know, be ladylike. Yeah, I heard that a lot growing up.

[Sheila Marie]

Be ladylike, did you? And what does it mean to be ladylike?

[Oludara Adeyo]

To suppress how I want to express myself? You know, I'm a woman, so I don't do things like burp. I don't. I eat a certain way. I have to present myself in a certain way.

[Sheila Marie]

So, yeah, I feel like I have freaking digestive issues my entire life from being scared to use the bathroom around people. And that comes from that whole thing like, oh, no, I'm demure. Very IDS of me.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes, exactly.

[Sheila Marie]

Let's talk about community for a second. So what are some large myths about healing and self care that you want to debunk right now that we need to just dead them, put them to rest?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Some large myths that I want to debunk about self care that you. One that you don't have a right to it. Like you. Absolutely. The myth is, oh, I don't know, that you don't have time for it. There we go. I think that's a myth. You always have time for it. I say even five minutes a day is good. And I think that we get a lot of messages, especially as black women, that we don't have time to take care of ourselves. And I wholeheartedly do not believe that you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of the people you love and, you know, be a great contributor to society. So that's definitely one. You always have time for it. Even if you're a really busy mom. You know, I know sometimes it can feel like you can't. Cause. I know, but you can shout out to the moms.

[Sheila Marie]

And so moms, a lot of times, especially mothers, face a lot of guilt, a lot of mom guilt, a lot of mom shaming when they do prioritize themselves. And so what would you say to the woman who's like, yeah, I wanna prioritize myself, or I wanna maybe take a little bit off my plate from other people and replace it with something for me. But I feel like the guilt and shame is stopping me.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yeah. You know, I'm gonna encourage you to be okay with being the villain in someone else's story if it means prioritizing your wellness. Right. Cause one people don't like change. So they're gonna. People. Some people are gonna react being like, you know, oh, no, mommy wants to have five minutes to herself. I can't. No, I need Screaming, you know, child. And, like, you know, wanting the attention. But over time, you know, people learn. People will adjust to you prioritizing yourself. So I think it's one. Getting to a place of trying to get to a place where you are like, okay, like, I am getting through the uncomfortable feeling of, like, okay, I'm gonna make someone feel bad, and that is okay, right? That's okay, right?

[Sheila Marie]

How do we work through that? Like, ugh, I don't want that. You know, my partner or my friend or whoever it is, like, oh, gosh, I feel like I'm gonna let them down.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yeah, yeah. Sitting with it. Sitting with it, writing it out, expressing the uncomfortable feeling however you need to, without giving in to maybe, you know, without giving in to whatever you need to welcome that person into your space. When you're trying to have time for yourself and it is going to be uncomfortable, I will say it is going to be uncomfortable. It's going to feel weird. It's going to feel like this is wrong. But finding exercises that can calm you down, whether it's deep breathing, whether it's journaling, whether it's distracting yourself, doing something else to get your mind off of the fact that you feel like, okay, I am. I'm. I feel like I'm letting people down. And because the feelings. Feelings eventually will dissipate, they will eventually go. And it's just like, you're retraining your. You're retraining your brain, your mind to, like, okay, like, I can do xyz. People will be upset, and I will be okay, so.

[Sheila Marie]

And I will be okay. I love parts work.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Oh, yes.

[Sheila Marie]

I don't know. Is this clinical or is it just.

[Oludara Adeyo]

It is clinical. I haven't been trained on it yet. I am trained in emdr, but.

[Sheila Marie]

Oh, I recommend I shout at the top of a mountain. Emdr. Guys, this is your second sign. I mention this in almost every episode. Yes. I think emdr. Tell the people about emdr.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes. Eye movement desensitization, reprocessing therapy. You know, it's all about connecting. Well, one is desensitizing you to the traumas that you're trying or the memories. Memories or traumas that you're trying to, you know, get through. And so it really. It's somatic work, too. So it's, like, really helping your brain and your body to calm down when reintroduced to whatever trauma you're trying to work through. So, like, I will say, like, for me, I personally did it before I was trained on it for a pest phobia. Because I had an experience where I had to break a lease from an apartment that was riddled with roaches and bedbugs. And, oh, it left me.

[Sheila Marie]

Were they flying?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Were they flying? Oh, no, thank goodness. Okay, but, like, it left. I already didn't like bugs. Like, I already had a reaction to spiders and whatever, but I. This was. It was really bad. Like, I was sleeping with the light on because I created in my mind. We create. You know, our mind tries to protect ourselves. So my mind was like, oh, if I keep the lights on, there won't be any bugs. But I was in a new space. I was safe. And, you know, bugs are here. Like, it's a natural part of life. And so I did the therapy. And at first I was like, this is doing nothing. And then one time, I was on the phone with a friend, and I saw a spider, and I was like, oh, hold on. I just gotta go kill this spider. My friend was like, excuse me. There's no screaming. Hello. You're not screaming. You're not crying. I was like, oh, my gosh, it works.

[Sheila Marie]

So EMDR helped you work through your phobia of pests?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes. Yes.

[Sheila Marie]

That's amazing.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes.

[Sheila Marie]

Yes. I. I recommend EMDR so highly because sometimes I think we're so focused on the cognitive therapies. We're so focused on working things through intellectually, through our brain, mentally, and then we drag our lifeless bodies behind. Like, what does my body have to do with any of this? Nothing. It's just I can think it through, and it's like a lot of that trauma. I know you. I know you hear it all the time. If you listen to this, you're in the world. You know, that trauma is also stored in the body. So it is so important. Back to parts work. I just want to explain. Maybe I can explain what parts work is. If I explain it wrong, just interrupt me and correct me. But I don't know if my. I did parts work. And it's like you're working with different aspects of yourself, like maybe different versions of yourself that you were at different periods of your life, and you're working to integrate them instead of them being a nuisance or being outside of you rejecting them. So for me, for example, I did parts work on the part of myself that was really sensitive. And it's like that version of you serves a purpose. She was created for a reason, and she's coming up because there's an unmet need. So what need needs to be met now and then that's all it is. She's just like you said before, that emotions are just signals. These parts of yourself are also just signals. So in terms of letting go, I just want to say this before we move on is that sometimes I work with women and they say, oh, but I can't take time for myself because my kids need me, my husband needs me. And while they do need you, what is actually the driving factor for you is the version that you get to be when you get to be the caretaker for all of them, that you are so needed that that is the version of you that needs to feel needed, that needs to feel like, none of this can run without me. And there's nothing wrong with that version of yourself. But we might need to talk to her and have a little powwow to really work on letting. Integrating her in so that you can make more space for yourself.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Perfect. I think you explained it perfectly.

[Sheila Marie]

I did.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Sheila Marie]

Yes. I. I am like you. I feel like who teaches the teacher? Right. We're always in these situations where we're working with people, but we have to keep working on ourselves so we can keep meeting the needs of our community. So I do a lot of therapy too. Shout out to the therapy girls.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes.

[Sheila Marie]

And let's talk about your book. You have a new book coming out or. It's already out? It's already released. Yes, I saw it on Amazon. So it's a Meditations for black Woman. It's an inspiring and empowering collection of 75 mindful meditations curated specifically for black women. Can we get an amen? Congratulations. By the way. It's no small feat to put a book out into the world. And you have several. You have four, right?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes, I have four. This is my fourth baby. And this was a fun one to put together. It's. It's got. Each page is like, you know, I'm encouraging you to try. I'm encouraging you to reflect on something. I'm encouraging you to make a shift in your life and encourage you to try something different with your self care. So it'll. There's also quotes from famous black women, whether they're politicians, artists, mathematicians, scientists, et cetera. And so the quotes are there one, because they're inspiring. And also, you know, maybe you may want to inspect, like, who are these women and what have they done with their lives? Because I really do believe we can learn from the women before us, with us and younger than us. And so.

[Sheila Marie]

Amen.

[Oludara Adeyo]

And so, you know, there's a quote and then there's the meditation and something for you to just really uplift your spirit. And then I provide a reflection on what the subject matter is and then an action item of how you can maybe practice this meditation or reflect on it. Effy.

[Sheila Marie]

And do you have maybe a favorite affirmation or meditation from the book that you can share with us that supports someone who's wanna releasing something and move forward?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes. So my favorite one is I give myself permission to live my life according to my own plans.

[Sheila Marie]

That is so unruly of you. Oh, my gosh, say it again.

[Oludara Adeyo]

I give myself permission to live my life according to my own plans.

[Sheila Marie]

Period. Period. Asmr. Period. That is beautiful. And so maybe before we gonna move into the toolkit section of the interview, but maybe one last question. Is that. What is. Do you have any like, like counterintuitive approach to letting go? Is there anything that people wouldn't expect about letting go, but it actually works.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Ooh, any counterintuitive letting go. Ooh. Hmm.

[Sheila Marie]

Do. I can share one and then maybe it'll start something for you. What I learned in parts work is he used to tell me all the time, like, it's a. It's like being in the. In at the beach. Instead of like running from the waves, you run and dive right into the waves. So like the fear that would come up, like, I can't let go of this thing. I can't let go of this thing because I don't like, let's say it's like, I don't want to jump out on my own. I don't want to leave this relationship or I don't want to. I don't know what's on the other side. Okay. And he would amplify. He would ask me to amplify the fear, amplify that. And then it would just. Almost, almost. Oh, it's just this wave. And then it's just standing at my feet. So instead of running from the fears, being afraid to address them, being afraid to, you know, talk about them, put them right on their projector screen, put them on there. And they're almost like, Allison. No, no, not Allison. Oz.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes.

[Sheila Marie]

Come on, Glinda. Come on, Elphaba. So it's like, you know, you finally see behind that big mask of Oz, it's just this guy. And that's kind of like. Like that. That maybe is a counterintuitive approach to letting go is like running right into all the fears. Put guilt. Go ahead. Address them head on. And they actually, instead of. You feel it. It feels like it's going to be Overwhelming, but it actually is. It minimizes the effect somehow. I don't. I don't know how that works clinically, but it just worked.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yeah, it's like. It's like. It's like when we catastrophize things in our mind, and then when we actually do the thing, we actually face it. We're like, oh, okay, that wasn't.

[Sheila Marie]

We catastrophize.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yeah. So sometimes that's a cognition, a negative cognition to catastrophize. It's when we kind of make something bigger in our mind than it actually is. So, example, a partner misses your phone call. Now you're like, oh, God, well, what are they doing? Are they, you know, talking to someone? Are they. Oh, my gosh, are they alive? Like, you know, like, you know, just making your. Weaving a story in your head. So catastrophizing is weaving a story without sufficient information. So sometimes like. Or like, when you're thinking, oh, this project I'm doing is a bigger deal, it's going to take a lot of energy, and then you finally do it, and you're like, oh, okay, that wasn't actually that hard. So, you know, I think. I guess when it comes to letting go, what I really think about is when I think of, like, the guilt of that comes up, maybe feeling like I could have let go sooner. You know, the thought of, like, oh, I should have let go sooner, but, you know, I could have done better. I could have recognized. But I could have recognized that I needed to let this go sooner. And having grace for that version of you that maybe wanted to let go and embracing this new you that wants to grace for the one who didn't want to let go and embracing the one who does want to let go. So maybe leaning into the guilt a bit, like you said, with the emotions and, like, leaning into it and recognizing that I'm bigger than this feeling of.

[Sheila Marie]

Guilt and that I am bigger than this feeling of guilt. Yes. And so it is.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes.

[Sheila Marie]

Wow. That leads us right into the toolkit. And this is like, this is how we end interviews. Here is we want to leave them with something practical to put in their unruly toolkit. So do you have something that you can. You might have. You. You shared a lot. But if you want to leave them or reiterate any particular tool or skill or mindset or affirmation that they can take with them to support letting go.

[Oludara Adeyo]

So, I mean, I really. I will say the affirmation. I said, I give myself permission to live my life according to my Own plans is definitely something that I stand on. I really just love encouraging people to live carefree.

[Sheila Marie]

And you, do you live very carefree? I love that.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes. To really lean into Joy, to really just be their most authentic self. Because I think we just live in such a society, especially black women that wants to control us, that wants to tell us how to live, that it can be so overwhelming and to feel like also we have so many obstacles we have to overcome to get to our goals. And it can just be so overwhelming. And it's like, let me give myself permission to just like live according to my own plans. Let me not, no matter, let me not rely on like what my family thinks of me. Let me not try to please my family, friends, all these people who may have their own ideas of how my life should be. Let me live it for me. Let me live for me.

[Sheila Marie]

And that is letting go of the version of like even letting go, like let's say it's your parents of the version that they expected you to be.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes.

[Sheila Marie]

Right.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes.

[Sheila Marie]

So. Yes. Giving yourself permission to live your own life, which is so important.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes.

[Sheila Marie]

Because you're here for a reason.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Yes. Yes. And that, and I think it just makes me think of like, you know, I'm a, I'm 36 now. I'm a 36 year old, like single woman. And like every week my dad be like, no, we're praying for you to find a husband. And it's like, okay, that's great. But like I also have this other life that I'm trying to create and I think sometimes, especially as women, as black women and you know, we just feel so much pressure for marriage, kids, all these other things that are, are supposedly our duties as women on this earth. But just getting to live for me.

[Sheila Marie]

Just getting to live for you and that is enough. Olu Dara, thank you so much. This conversation was everything. Thank you just for sharing your wisdom, your honesty and really challenging us to rethink what it means to let go and to put ourselves first. I know that everybody's gonna be looking for you. Can you let the people know? Where can they find you? Where can they find your book?

[Oludara Adeyo]

Absolutely. I am oludaraadio everywhere on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter threads, you know, everywhere. And I'm also, I also. You go to my website oludaradio.com as well if you want to get in touch with me and yeah, yes, please.

[Sheila Marie]

Pick up her book, wherever books are sold and find her, follow her, support her. Thank you for listening so much. Keep this conversation going. Please DM this episode to a friend. A friend. Send it to a friend. Like review. Reviews are very important, y'all. Rating the the podcast and reviews, it just really helps. The Apple podcast and all the podcast algorithms. Please support us so we can keep bringing you amazing content until next time. Remember, letting go is not losing, it's winning. Okay? It is being the version of yourself that you choose to be. I will see you next week. And thank you again, Oladara, for joining us at Unruly.

[Oludara Adeyo]

Thank you.

[Sheila Marie]

If you have something on your mind, a question or something you want me to answer, just send in a voice [e-mail] unruly I can't wait to hear from you. Thank you so much for listening. Be sure to follow or subscribe so you never, ever, ever, ever miss an episode of.