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American Giant Representative
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Sheila Marie
Welcome to Unruly. I'm your host, Sheila Marie. I'm an author, a fierce advocate for black women and the founder of the curvy Curly conscious movement. In this space, I'm sharing what I've learned on my own journey while sitting down with some amazing women who are all navigating their own paths to healing because there's no better time than now to get a little unruly. Welcome back to another episode of Unruly, the podcast where we dive deep into conversations that help you embrace yourself with radical self love, acceptance and joy. I'm Sheila Marie and I am so excited because today is an extra special episode. Literally tomorrow. The day that I'm recording this is October 21st. Tomorrow, October 22nd, my book Unruly is finally out to the world. That's it. It's done. She's out and I could not be more thrilled to share it with you. The podcast that you've been listening to so far is an extension of this book. A space where we unpack all the ways we can Live an unruly life, be unapologetic, be bold, and fully be present in our truth. You've heard me have some incredible conversations with women like Koya Webb, talking about healing through yoga and mindfulness, and it's been an amazing journey so far. And let me just tell you how amazing you are. Shout out to everybody who's downloaded episodes and subscribed to the podcast, because due to your support, the trailer for unruly premiered number one. And then also the podcast was number one in society and culture and number 10 in podcasts overall in top shows on Apple. Podcast. Yeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it. That's crazy, right? I was like, what I was reading this, like, how I was getting emails and updates. Like, everybody you know on the team was so excited. We're so overwhelmed. So let's keep it going and thank you so much. So if you're listening to this and you like it, go ahead and send this to a friend wherever you're listening to the podcast. Share it with somebody you love. Go ahead and tag me on socials. And so we could just keep this community of unruly women growing. All right, so let's get back to the book. So this book is really close to me and really near to my heart because it's like a culmination of not only my personal healing journey, but the stories and lessons that have come from years of working with black women, thousands of black women. I've been doing these retreats since 2016. I've had a chance to work with women in Canada and Jamaica, Mexico, online. I reach thousands and thousands of women. And we're having conversations just like we are right here in this podcast. So let's start by talking about my why, right? Like, why did I even want to write this book? And when I sat down and thought about it, this is actually, this story is at the beginning of my book, if you want to hear it in more depth. But there was this Friday night, I used to live in Brooklyn, and I was like, living this kind of. What's the word I'm looking for? What's the. It was kind of like a commune type of vibe. That's the word. So, you know, I'm living with people like, are a bunch of artists, and I love them dearly. They're kind of like my chosen family at the time. And I was in a really abusive and toxic relationship. I just have to put that out there and just say that. And it was this Friday night, I was in my apartment and let's Just say. Things got very heated between my ex and I. My boyfriend at the time and my ex called me a bitch. I hope I could say that. Yes. He called me a bitch in front of all my roommates. And I was so humiliated. And it reminded me to the same experience I had when I was like five or six years old in the living room of my family members and being called a black bitch. And so I was like, wow, I am literally reliving in a certain way. I am performing the same dynamic that I accepted from when I was a child now. And like, whatever it is that I have to do to let this go and to move to a healthier dynamic, I'm going to do. And that really just pushed me to begin my healing journey. And it was like an out of body experience. Like, I just felt a shift on a deep soul level and a commitment to change my story from the inside out and to stop reenacting harmful dynamics and to start telling my truest story and living my truest story. So this idea of really living authentically and not by someone else's script was really the inspiration and the nucleus of Unruly. And writing this book was like writing my way out of my old outdated beliefs and roles that I'd accepted and creating a space where black women, where we can thrive as our fullest selves. In Unruly, I talk about how we often find ourselves at these impossible intersections, right? We're expected to choose all the time between being a mother or being free spirited or being spiritual or being sexy or meditating or trap music. And it's like, I don't think we have to choose. I really don't. I think you always. You get to choose, okay? That is my motto. You can always choose how you show up. But. But the truth is we're all of it. We're all of those things. And the more that we accept that about ourselves, the more we can be honest about who we are. And so let's get into. I want to start by talking about my favorite chapter. And this is actually some of the concepts in this chapter I actually talked about in an episode with Ebony Janese that I have coming up where she talks about imagination and reimagining situations for ourselves. So I have a chapter in my book and it's called Serious Daydreaming. And it's based on this concept that I learned right at the beginning. This is like right at the beginning of my healing journey. I was fresh out of that relationship. I was super heartbroken. I was on some like, oh, I'm not good at relationships. Nobody will ever love me. Like, these are, you know, things that I accepted at the time. And I was sitting there and I was like, oh, my gosh, I'm just feeling so sad. I don't know what to do. And I found this. Actually, I was introduced to this by my ex before we broke up. He was like, this is something called quantum jumping. And shout out to that, too. I also want to just preface and say right here in case that this episode reaches him, even though I will not name him, because I don't want him to be shamed in any way. But I think he was like an angel for me also, because in that same we were both toxic. I had to take accountability for that. But in that dynamic, I feel like I was pushed to find a new version of myself that I didn't know existed. So I am very much grateful for that. But this quantum jumping thing was this book called, called Quantum Jumping by Bert Goldman. And it's like talking about how, like, what if there are unlimited versions of you existing out in the ethers, just out there chilling in different environments, and that you can call on them whenever you need them to give you advice, to get insight or to get direction. And I was like, I can go with this. I can go with this because I'm a little bit of a nerd. I like to nerd out every now and then. And I love learning about science and the universe. And I know that there are billions of galaxies out there. And every time I say that, I just have to pause and make sure that you heard me right. Yes. We live in one planet, in one solar system, in one galaxy, in a universe that has billions of galaxies. Okay? When we look out there, it's not just billions of stars. No, there are billions of galaxies. We have no idea. We cannot even study how big the universe is. All we know is that there's this black matter holding us all together. And so I was like, right, so if there were billions of galaxies, why could there not just be unlimited amount of Sheila's just out there? Like, there's a version of Sheila out there who's a New York Times bestseller. There's a version of Sheila out there who's an egot. You know, she's got the Emmy, she's got the Grammy, she's got the Oscar, and she's got the Tony. Right? There's a version of Sheila who's not an artist at all. There's a version of Sheila who has five kids right now. ET Cetera, you get my point. So the idea for serious daydreaming is to tap into the power of imagination and dreaming. And I think, think this is fundamental for black women, especially because we're. Many times, we are so bogged down from this reality. I'm using air quotes of, that's not possible. No, you can't do that. It doesn't work like that. Things don't work like that. And it's like, yeah, a lot of people say things aren't possible, but look at us now. If you found your. If you could get in a time capsule and speak to your great great grandparents and tell them about FaceTime, tell them about Zoom, tell them about Instagram Live, they would think you're a witch, okay? They would think you're crazy. That is not possible. Well, it wasn't possible then. Doesn't mean it's not ever possible. And so when it comes to your life, I think it is so important to every now and then get out of the quote unquote matrix and tap into what do you think is possible? What visions do you have that are uniquely yours? And so in serious daydreaming, it's a method where in a meditation, you tap into a version of yourself that has solved or whatever problem, you're okay, you got a promotion or you want a promotion, you don't know how to get there. There's a version of you who's nailed it. You're writing a book, you don't know what to write yet. There's a version of you who has nailed it already. You want love, but you can't find it. There's a version of you who's happily partnered up.
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American Giant Representative
So.
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Sheila Marie
So you just go in a serious daydreaming and you follow the steps and you can connect with a version of yourself who I call your sister self, and she can help you figure out how to navigate this current third dimensional reality. So it's a little bit far out, you know what I'm saying? But I love it because it taps into the playfulness, it taps into the childhood, like, spirit that I think so many of us left behind. And I think it's really beautiful to rediscover that. Now, that was my favorite chapter. Now, let's talk about the hardest chapter to write. And I kid you not, I think I have rewrote this chapter like five or six times. I was over it at the beginning. I turned in my manuscript and I was like, forget it. I'm taking this chapter out completely because I just can't figure it out. And my publisher was like, get over here. You can't leave out the juice, girl. So I had to sit down and think about it. And the hardest chapter for me to write was definitely one called Casting for Companionship. Be Different Together. And this chapter is all about. You know, the funny thing is, and I did not even know this till I looked today, this chapter starts on page 143, which for all my millennials out there who had beepers, I don't know if I'm. I know I'm aging myself, but that's okay. I love myself. And that 143 was the beeper code for I love you, if you remember. So. So I just thought that was really cute. And this chapter is essentially a guide for adult women to create and maintain meaningful bonds that go just beyond ritual, politeness and friendship and become companions. Like, how do we find women who can grow alongside you and also propel you forward on your journey as well? And this chapter hit deep, deep for me because it's not something I had fully figured out at the time. And I was literally working through it as I was writing the chapters. And so I had to be really honest with myself and with the reader about how I navigate relationships. And I think that's why it was so tough, because I really put on paper all of my mistakes. And let me just break down, these are like the three big mistakes that I highlight in the chapter. And I go in depth and I give examples about all of that in the book. But these are like the big three lessons that I learned as I was writing the chapter. And really, when it boils down to it, this chapter is about creating boundaries, but boundaries that act as bridges for connection instead of boundaries that act as walls to keep us separate from people. Because at the end of the day, we really can't go far on our unruly journey alone. That's not the goal. We need community. We need other people around us that understand us and to co create this world that we want to exist. So here are my big three mistakes. Mistake number one, I assumed that family and or longtime friends should automatically be closest to me, that they should automatically have the most proximity to me and the most access to me. And what I discovered was that shared experiences or shared DNA does not necessarily mean that this person can show up for you in the way that you need. And so that was a really tough lesson for me to work through, because I don't know about you, but I love my family. I love the women that I grew up with. And I want to maintain closeness with them. But I also need to be honest about who can support me in my current iteration of Sheila, as she exists today. Mistake number two. I thought relationships were only good if they last. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like, you know, you got those split ends and you're like, you just want that length. You just want that hair to touch the middle of your back or wherever, and you're just hanging on, but it doesn't hold a curl. It just looks unhealthy. And sometimes you got to get that good trim so that you can grow healthier hair. It's the same thing, you know, like, a relationship can be really great and brief. You can learn things. A person can be in your life for a short amount of time and change the whole trajectory of your life. And at the same time, you might have people who know you for a long time and they never really get that close to you. So I had to really focus on the quality of a relationship versus the length of a relationship. And my final mistake was I put too much pressure on my close friends. And this one hurt me the most because when I really allowed myself to get close to that, I felt, you know, first was guilt and shame. Like, dang, I feel so bad because I love these women. But what I was doing was thinking that this small group of women should meet all of my needs as friends. And it was just unrealistic. And in our modern way of relating, people are busier than ever. Women are busier than ever. We take our work home with us. You know, you're, you're nurturing families, some of you are growing humans, you're starting businesses. Like, it's a lot, right? So I had to realize, I had to pull back a little bit and then realize what I really could expect. Like, get clear on what are my expectations and what do, what can I expect of them and what can they expect of me? And so that was like a very hard lesson to learn. But it's a very. It was very fruitful because I followed my own advice in the chapter and now I have a rich and diverse network of friends. I have women who have done reality TV so that we can connect. I have women who are in the public space, like influencers or celebrities, so we can relate on things. I have women who are on their fertility journey just like me, so we can talk. And then I have women, I have my a one day ones, my friends that I've known for my entire life beyond. So I. And then I got my spiritual girlies I can't forget y'all. Right? So it's allowed me and opened me up to create friends that can join me on my journey and push me forward to be the best person that I can be. And I can't wait for you to dig into that chapter. Can't wait to see how you feel about it. If you hate it, please just don't tell me, okay? Just don't tell me. Don't write me, okay? Okay. So it's October 21st, and literally I'm going to snap my fingers and it will be January, right? It'll be 2025. I just feel like time feels like it's speeding up so fast lately. I'm not sure if it's just this age that I'm at now or this stage in my life, but I want to take this moment to look ahead for a second, because I want you to walk into 2025 being your absolute best self and ready to move forward in a new way, move forward as a higher version of who you are. And I really hope that the unruly lessons that I share in the book will guide you to that version of yourself. And so here are some lessons taken straight from the pages of unruly lesson number one. And this is from chapter one. The world is your stage. If you haven't noticed already. I take a lot of theatrical influences and I put them into my book. I feel like I was trying to think about, why does the world need another self development book? Right. I feel like kind of the lane is kind of inundated now. And I was like, all right, let me just keep it real. I think that women are tired of being told to have another thing on their to do list. Another self help book, like, I guess, child, how many things can I add in my morning routine? Honey, how many? How many? Five more minutes and 10 more minutes. Can I ad right? There's only 24 hours in a day, so I wanted to take an approach that I feel like would add value. And the way that I could do that is, number one, infusing my unique background into the book. So I am a professionally trained actress. Even though I'm not performing on TV and film right now, I feel like I'm using my acting training every day. But there's a lot to learn about acting. I feel like so many things I learned in the school of theater apply to how we can show up as our most authentic self in our everyday lives. And that's why I use a lot of language like perform. I use a Lot of language about being on your stage. Because, yes, we're not. And I want to say this because I did an interview recently and the interviewer was like, well, when I think of performing, I think of you're putting on like it's an inauthentic thing. And I want to say that when I speak about performing, I think about performing as tapping into the most authentic version of who you are. Why? Because I think we all have an ensemble inside of us. We have all the versions of us that have ever lived in us from in utero until now. They're all in there doing their thing. And I just think it's a matter of choosing. I think that women can tap into their power when they can choose. I want this version right now. I need Babbage energy right here. I'm about to go into this meeting. Oh, I need soft, nurturing energy. I'm about to have a hard conversation. Oh, I need no nonsense, Sheila. I'm about to do this thing right. So it's that we can choose how we want to perform. Because whether we like it or not, we are always performing. People are always taking cues from us when we walk into a room. Just like if I walked on a stage, people would be looking at my costume and what that's communicating. People will be looking at my non verbals and what that's communicating. And people will be paying attention to my script, what I'm saying and what that's communicating. So when I say the world is your stage, I say that in a playful and colorful way, like it's your opportunity to get to decide who you want to be and when. All right, next big lesson, which really, you'll hear it again, I'm using the theatrical lingo is chapter four, where I talk about main character energy. Yeah, we need the main character energy. And when I say main character energy, I mean stop playing the supporting role in someone else's story and make sure that you are the main character in your story. Whose story are you performing? Are you performing your mom's story, your dad's, your church's, your communities, your husband's, your wives? Whose. A lot of us realize because women are conditioned to be palatable. Women are conditioned to be good girls. We're conditioned to listen, to play along, go by the rules that sometimes we can find ourselves full on in our adulthood and realizing that we're not the main character in our own story and that because of that, we're trying to figure out how to do it so we become main characters in other people's. Stories, which is also inappropriate. We end up over performing for other people, we end up in codependent situations, etc. So main character energy is about taking your rightful place in the spotlight. That is your life. Next lesson, self love in action. And this is what I dive into in chapter six. And to me, self love is most directly embodied by self acceptance. If self love is the destination, acceptance is the vehicle accepting. That's why I feel like the difference between unruly women and everybody else is unruly women are just honest. We're just honest. Everybody's all the time moving between all the hypocrisy that is being human. Everybody's changing their mind, everybody's moving into new versions of themselves. But unruly women are doing it unapologetically. We're not lying about it and we're not trying to hide it. So when it comes to self love, I think, you know, it's a. It's a buzzword. The self love movement has grown and I'm so happy for that. But sometimes women go, well, what is self love? Is it a bubble bath? What is it? Is it? Is it affirmations? And I think the most direct way to understand self love is acceptance. Radical self accepting acceptance, refusing to reject any part of who you are, even the ugly parts in air quotes, even the parts that you want to dismiss and disown. The next lesson I want to share is from chapter 10, which is casting for companionship. And this was the chapter that was pretty hard for me to write, as I mentioned earlier. And I just think fundamentally relationships are a reflection of how you see yourself, right? So you being throughout the book, you learn how to become more deeply in relationship with who you are. You learn how to become better friends with yourself. And now this is the step where you choose companions who can support this growth and aren't afraid or intimidated by your fullness. It's about finding women who can meet you where you are and encourage you to keep going on your journey. And last but not least, chapter 12, I teach you to keep your seams visible. Keeping your seams visible is something that I learned from a text that I read while I was at Tisch. And the way I describe it is kind of like, have you ever, I don't know if you guys sew, if anybody is into patch. What do you call it? What is the word? Danisha. I know Denisha is listening to this right now. And this is my girl who's. She's an amazing seamstress and she literally makes all her clothes, she would be like Sheila. Really? You don't know the word right now, but let's say if you're into garment construction or if not, if you're wearing any clothes, they all have seams, right? And most of the time, the goal is to keep the seam invisible. So you don't want to see where the two pieces of fabric come together, right? The idea is it's just supposed to be this seamless garment that was constructed, you know, that's constructed of all these different pieces, but you just look at it, and it just goes all together. I'm advocating for the opposite. What I'm advocating for is make those seams visible. Keep them. I want you to be able to look at your metaphorical garment and see the stitching. Show all that stitching. The stitching is all of the things that you shouldn't have done, all the mistakes that you. That you shouldn't have made, the guys, the girls you shouldn't have dated, the situations when you knew better, blah, blah, blah. All that stuff that you want to sweep into a closet, kind of like we do our Christmas decorations, you know, and just slam it shut and nobody sees it and nobody talks about it. I'm not saying that you need to tell everybody about your deepest, darkest secrets. I'm just saying, for you personally, when you create the garment of the version of yourself that. That is you, I want you to reject the urge to flatten yourself. Reject the urge to make yourself seem perfect, Perfect or palatable. Your goal is not to be palatable. Your goal is to be honest. Your goal is to live your truest self and obviously stay unruly. We are all stitched together by the uniqueness of our experiences. And when we disown them, we rob ourselves of an ability to connect vulnerably with others and ourselves. Since writing unruly, I've learned so many things. I have learned that healing is not linear. It's messy, it's layered, it's chaotic. But it's always moving. It's always in a nice flow. The more I leaned into my story, the more I leaned into the good, the bad, and the ugly, the more I realized that I am the only one that has been holding myself back. I am the only one who has been waiting for permission to be exactly who I am. And I am also the one who can grant myself permission. And it's really my hope that when women read the book, I hope that when they get to the final pages of the book, that they feel emboldened to give themselves the permission to be the woman that they say they want to be. Thank you so much for listening. Be sure to follow or subscribe so you never, ever, ever, ever miss an episode of Unruly.