Comedian Ryan Long Tells The Best Joke Ever | Unsubscribe Podcast 251

Summary

Unsubscribe Podcast Ep. 251 Summary

Episode Title: Comedian Ryan Long Tells The Best Joke Ever
Release Date: February 16, 2026
Host(s): Eli Doubletap, Brandon Herrera, Donut Operator, The Fat Electrician
Guest: Ryan Long

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Episode Overview

This lively episode features comedian Ryan Long joining the Unsubscribe crew for an unfiltered, far-ranging conversation about the comedy grind, internet fame, the evolution of stand-up, and the wildest moments from both their careers and live shows. They dive into how the internet and social media have changed entertainment, how regional culture shapes comedy, bombing on stage, and the realities of live touring—plus, Ryan finally shares a joke they dub "the best ever." The banter is packed with dark humor, roasts, self-aware industry insights, and behind-the-scenes stories for comedy and podcast fans alike.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Weird World of Internet Fame

• Internet content creators now rival or surpass traditional celebrities but often exist in their own digital bubbles.

  • Ryan on the phenomenon:

    "You look at the podcast charts... Rogan, some guy named Dave... Who’s this guy? 8 million views on every video. And you’re just like, what’s going on over here?" (02:11)

• Discussion of viral, niche influencers:

  • Hoof Guy who cleans horse hooves for millions of views, Plumber influencer, and Subway sandwich guy who became trapped by the content that made him rich.

    "He’s the first guy that if he loses his job at Subway, he loses half a million dollars." (04:49)

• Creators can get boxed into their "thing" (cleaning, mowing, making sandwiches) and become more famous than legacy media figures, prompting laughs and complaints among the hosts about "the law of diminishing returns." (04:01)

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2. Ryan's Comedy and Creative Journey

• Ryan recaps his roots:

  • Toronto band scene, early video/“cable access” shows, and transition into stand-up.
  • Was originally in a ska/punk/rap band and pivoted to comedy after Tom Green-style street skits.

    "We did all these DVDs... It was like, filming crazy little videos... then made a pilot and sold it..." (19:16, 21:36)

• Stand-up consumed his life after the first try:

  "I’ve done standup almost every night for the last 15 years now." (22:36)

  • The process required “five to seven years” before stand-up felt natural.

    "It's super hard to not be that good at [stand-up]... It’s the hardest for the first five years." (26:33)

  • Anxiety comes from unknowns, not crowd size:

    “If I was doing a show for seven people and someone I care about walks in—that’s when your brain starts going weird.” (23:08)

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3. City Vibes and Scenes: New York, LA, Austin, and Beyond

• Comedy, like other arts, is shifting away from needing to be in New York or LA. Austin is emerging, and low rent cities foster creative “incubators.” (10:46)
• Locational differences affect comedic style and audience relatability:

  "New York comics... slightly grittier and funny, LA... just, like, gay. Guess which city's which." (12:16, jokingly)

• Regional edge:
  • In NY/LA, some topics are less edgy; in Texas, "talking shit about God" is edgier than in NY, where it's mundane.

  "In New York, that’d be the least edgy thing you could ever do." (65:02)

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4. The Grind, Bombing, and Perfecting Material

• Mastery in stand-up comes only with brutal, repeated failure:

  "When you’re just there and you’re eating it and there’s nothing you can do—and you’re three years in, don’t even have the tools—this is the worst thing…” (29:36)

• Worst bombing story:

  “I followed a guy in a wheelchair, hand with cerebral palsy... talking about fingering girls... Black guys falling out of their chairs laughing. Then I go up, make a gay joke—everyone's like, yo, AYO! Nine more minutes, then a DJ starts the ‘get off stage music.’” (30:43)

• Stand-up is “public speaking where you’re expected to make people laugh”—the scariest for most people, harder than jumping out of planes. (29:07)

• Dangers of reusing material, and the broader expectations of internet audiences:

  “If you have an hour and someone’s a big fan, they’ll come a second time, but not a third if it’s mostly the same set...” (128:48)

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5. Internet vs. Traditional Entertainment & Touring Realities

• TV unions and film industry rules—contrasted with internet freedom:

  “They're making themselves obsolete... They said if you want to make Instagram videos on your own channel, you can't because you're a union actor, so you have to pay the fee.” (43:24)

  • Barriers to entry are lower; creators can "skip the middlemen."

• Live show culture clashes (especially in union houses or specific regions like Jersey):

  • Venues, unions, and staff can sabotage shows; sometimes the worst part is the employees, not the fans.

  “Jersey... the fans loved it. It was the employees. Patted us down for the green room... just assholes the entire time.” (34:10)

• On opening acts and the importance of warming up an audience:

  "That's a no-brainer... Have someone do something beforehand.” (138:45)

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6. The "Best Joke Ever"

• The hosts press Ryan to tell what they bill as “the best joke ever.”

  “Ryan Long says this is the best joke ever written. He wrote it, personally, the funniest joke—ever written.” (56:05)

• Ryan delivers a rapid-fire bit about British colonization, complete with jokes about Jews, Jamaica, and England's legacy:

  “England went to the Middle East and gave them the best present you could ever ask for: 85,000 Jews...” (58:26)

  • (See detailed quote in Notable Quotes)
• Immediate reactions:

  "That is the viral clip that just happened, so let you know. That is the viral clip right there." (59:06)

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7. Where Comedy Kills (and Where it Doesn't)

• Regional relatability is paramount:

  "Sometimes, the pushback the joke’s built on—no longer exists. Then you’re like, ‘so, what are we doing here?’" (63:54)

  • E.g., Indian jokes in Toronto, blank stares in other cities.

• Adjusting edginess by region:

  "There’s a difference between offending people, and offending people in a funny way." (65:52)

• The importance of "writing for the room"—whether that means the “city/urban” crowd or the “Texas serious guy,” and knowing when the edge flips. (64:18)

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8. Social Media, Algorithms, and the Creator Life

• The algorithm pushes content you might have only mildly sampled; your feed can become bizarre overnight.

  "You ever get into another algorithm? Like Black Twitter or Muslim algorithm... And you realize, I don’t know any of this shit.” (68:55)

• Hosts comment on the “permanent effect” of what you watch, even by accident.

  • "Sometimes I fall asleep while doomscrolling... the algorithm thinks my watch time is 100% on that." (69:51)
  • “Ever reset it? Takes balls.” (70:15)

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9. Life, Jobs, and the Pursuit of Comedy

• Ryan describes patching together a living via “rackets”—video work, band income, early comedy.
• Advice to young creatives:

  “Find out how to make 30 grand a year with the least amount of hours possible... and then never nickel-and-dime time in your pursuit.” (123:10)

• The “career” of comedy is a lifestyle, not just a job:

  “This isn’t a thing you do. This is a life you have.” (119:37)

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10. Military & Brotherhood, Crime, and Growing Up Canadian

• Comparing the camaraderie of the army with band/comedy life and why military brotherhood is unique.

  “I would put my life in front of my own for my... That’s very hard to have anywhere else.” (104:19)

• Wild stories from Toronto:
  • School shootings, carjackings, crime in “portables” (portable classrooms)—and a Toronto street/gangster accent.

  "[Toronto accent:] 'Yo, honestly, dog. Yo, for real, yo. Mens is actually crazy, yo.'” (109:17)

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

Opening on Internet Fame

“You look at the podcast charts… Rogan, some guy named Dave… Who’s this guy? 8 million views on every video. And you’re just like, what’s going on over here?” — Ryan (02:11)

On Getting Boxed In By Viral Fame

"Subway guy... now he's rich but if that's his business... if he loses his job at Subway, he loses half a million dollars." — Host (04:46)

On the Stand-Up Grind

"I’ve done standup almost every night for the last 15 years now." — Ryan (22:36)

“I’ve followed a guy in a wheelchair... Black guys falling out of their chairs laughing. Then I go up, make a gay joke—everyone's like, yo, AYO!... Then DJ starts 'get off stage' music... walked off and into an ocean.” — Ryan (30:43-31:43)

On Bombing vs. Killing

"You do learn more from your bomb, but... there’s depreciating returns. You wouldn’t be just like, well I’ve been bombing for 10 weeks straight… I’ve REALLY been learning." — Ryan (78:44)

On Regional Comedy

“Sometimes, the pushback the joke’s built on—no longer exists. Then you’re like, ‘so what are we doing here?’” — Ryan (63:54)

The "Best Joke Ever" (Ryan's Colonization Bit) — [~57:31-59:01]

"Do you guys know about colonization?... England went to the Middle East and gave them the best present you could ever ask for, which is 85,000 Jews. And that’s so much to thank you by the way, I wish I had 85,000 Jews. Jamaica was jealous, they’re like, we want Jews. They’re like, you already have. Black people don’t get greedy. And they said, once they become reggae stars, we’re still gonna need a few Jews to manage them. And they said, the Jews can’t help because they’re busy sending over the black people. Now that is 20% historically accurate."
— Ryan (57:31–59:01)

On Life as a Comic

"This isn’t a thing you do. This is a life you have.” — Ryan (119:37)

On Building a Career

"Find out how to make 30 grand a year with the least amount of hours possible... so you can spend your time doing other things and never nickel-and-dime time in your pursuit.” — Ryan (123:10)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:00 – Internet microcelebrity/viral fame & content pigeonholing
• 06:30 – Ryan’s entry into comedy/band background
• 09:47 – How the comedy scene works in NY vs LA vs Austin
• 23:08 – Stand-up anxiety and what actually makes a comic nervous
• 29:36 – Public speaking, bombing: hardest moments and learning curves
• 30:43 – The infamous “worst bomb” story
• 56:05 – "The Best Joke Ever" build-up
• 57:31–59:01 – Ryan’s colonization bit (the "best joke")
• 62:41 – Regional comedy: differences in jokes that "kill" city vs rural
• 65:52 – Navigating offense vs. humor
• 78:44 – Learning from failure vs. success
• 119:37 – Comedy as a life, not a hobby
• 123:10 – How to piece together a creative career
• 142:01 – Ryan’s current tour plans

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Additional Moments and Humor

• Podcast Roasts:
  • Hosts relentlessly tease each other about ethnic ambiguity, music tastes, "fish guy" nicknames, and accidental racism right from the start.
• Dark Jokes:
  • The group regularly trades in deadpan, bro-style anti-PC humor and war stories, with frequent self-aware comments ("editor, when you clip that as a short, please leave my face out of it," 59:11).
• On Audience Management:
  • "Jersey employees... just assholes the entire time, and we didn’t know what we did." (34:07)
• On Social Media Algorithms:
  • “Ever reset your algorithm? It takes balls.” — Ryan (70:15)

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Where to Find Ryan Long

• Socials: @RyanLongComedy
• Podcast: The Boys Cast with Ryan Long
• Tour Dates: RyanLongComedy.com

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Episode Tone and Style

• Irreverent, fast-paced, and full of inside jokes and roasts
• Dark, meta humor with lots of winking self-awareness and industry commentary
• Blends behind-the-scenes anecdotes, practical advice for creatives, and rapid-fire crowd banter.

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For Listeners New to Unsubscribe

Expect wild tangents, belly-laugh storytelling, and a brutally honest look at modern comedy from both sides of the stage—and don't be surprised if audiences, staff, and even the hosts themselves come in for a roast.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Experian.

[A]

Oh, this feels like actually. What? The Texas I read about.

[B]

Was it the Mexicans?

[A]

How did it click?

[C]

All right, well, I guess I'm doing tomorrow's show.

[D]

Oh, I'm very good at being racist.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know if she'd be blind. Dating without skin. Bare minimum.

[C]

Things I want my partner to bring to the table.

[A]

Skin pretty Reasonable expectations.

[D]

Bare minimum.

[A]

Say hi to Eli. He's racially ambiguous. Brandon. His hair is fucking fabulous. And donut, a dark joke disposition. And there's a fat electrician. Welcome to unsubscribe.

[C]

Fuck, yeah. All right, well, we get to kick it off.

[B]

I know. Oh, grab your drinks on the count of three.

[C]

So we crack these on the. On the countdown from three.

[B]

One, two, three.

[D]

Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Unsubscribe podcast. I'm joined, as always, by Eli Doubletap, world famous comedian Mr. Ryan Long, soon to be Congressman Brandon Herrera, and myself, Batman.

[A]

Fish Guy.

[D]

Fish Guy.

[B]

Fishman. And it's great to have you today, Ryan.

[D]

What's up, Fishbow boy?

[A]

Thanks for coming down, dude. We bring the guns out now or how does this happen?

[C]

No, whenever you. Welcome to Texas.

[B]

We need way more drinks.

[C]

You think people at the table don't have guns? That's crazy.

[A]

We sit with those. You know, it's funny this. I feel like obviously in the Internet, you're in sort of different worlds. People are where you guys are that side of the Internet. That to me is funny. Where you just kind of like, I'll see a video of yours and be like, who's this guy? And just some random guy that's got like 8 million views on every video.

[D]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Just like, like, who are these? Like, what is this? It's like, you look at the podcast charts, it'll be like, Rogan, some guy named Dave and, you know.

[C]

Yeah, right, right.

[B]

That is weird.

[C]

Spheres of influence.

[A]

Yeah. But, yeah, there's people that before, if there was like, Some enormous TV show. You'd be like, everyone would know that. Where there's just you on the Internet being, like, enormous. And you're just like, who? What's going on over here?

[C]

Meanwhile, you just show up all the time. Like, my Instagram reels and like, that. I'm just like, racist joke. That's funny. And we are like, two minutes in.

[D]

All right.

[B]

And it begins. Dude, it's weird, seeing as you were saying those big names that you have. No, you do not recognize. It's like, Cousin Bill is number three on charting on all of Spotify. And you're like, who?

[A]

It's cool. Yeah.

[B]

Cycle through. What the fuck? I've never heard of that individual.

[A]

Dude, I follow Nate the hoof guy on Facebook. Like, I watch this guy. He just. All he does is clean hoofs. This guy's probably a billionaire by now. Oh, I know who you're talking about.

[C]

Like, he's a farrier. Oh, no shit.

[A]

He just cleans the horses hooves. But he's got every video 10 gazillion views. He's probably, you know, bigger than 90% of Netflix shows, just cleaning horseshoes. He doesn't even have to clean him anymore. He does it for the love of the game, you know?

[C]

You know the people that go to, like, film school, that's got to piss them off.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, I was going to be the next Scorsese, and here comes hoof guy.

[B]

Well, we got to spray some iodine, so make sure it heals nice little Betsy. And. Yeah, that's it. Every episode is just talking. What is wrong with that hoof on that cow? And then.

[A]

Yeah, and other people are doing so much stuff, having extras in their videos and everything. And this guy's just like, here we go. Another billion dollars beast.

[B]

Games are a hoof guy. You're getting equal viewership, and you're like, mother.

[D]

It's.

[C]

What is that? The law of diminishing returns? I think it's like, oh, you could just clean hooves.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Yeah, you can mow yards. JB that. The lawnmower guy's one of my favorite. He just mows yards for an hour.

[C]

Your cousin.

[B]

Oh, no, he's a white guy.

[D]

It's weird.

[C]

He hires my guy.

[B]

But he gets fucking 10 to 30 million views per upload of just mowing a yard. He does it for free now. For love of the game.

[A]

Yeah, it kind of. You box yourself in because you're just like, you have your job that you didn't want to do, and you start there's a. We were talking about. There's a Subway guy. He just films himself at Subway sandwiches. And he's like, well, now he's rich, so he doesn't have to work at Subway. But if that's his business, is filming his own Subway.

[C]

Fuck.

[D]

Really painted myself into a corner here.

[C]

Subway.

[B]

They got him to that salary?

[C]

Yeah, he's 7. 25 an hour. He's the first guy that if he loses his job at Subway, he loses half a million dollars.

[D]

Jared Fogel, I think, would like to.

[C]

Say the second gu.

[D]

There's the guy who records himself making sandwiches and the guy who.

[A]

Children.

[D]

Sorry.

[C]

Editor.

[D]

We're at, what, two minutes.

[C]

I'd rather be the sandwich guy.

[B]

I hope.

[A]

Plumber influencer. That's another one. There's a few that are plumbers that just like, I don't. I don't want to be cleaning toilets anymore. But here we are.

[B]

I mean, fat electrician started. Nick started as an electrician, and he was just doing little history beats in between until that one.

[C]

I mean, he still has his electrician's license. Like, he still does that from time to time, which is kind of cool.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It was just his boss, when the boss was like, hey, you're gonna have to make a choice. You have to either focus on the Internet stuff more or the electrician. And Nick was like, all right, so I would choose, if I were you, the one that makes more money. He was like, all right, so I can see you at Monday. Oh, no, I'm going to the Internet.

[D]

Sorry, I gotta clock in for the Internet. Yeah, I mean, that is the Internet and jobs. Ryan, how'd you get into comedy?

[A]

Yeah, your boss is like, telling you. He's like, hey, you're late for your shift. You're there with like, a gold chain Lamborghini. Like, oh, am I? I can buy you.

[B]

You're late to life.

[C]

You pull the Bruce Wayne where you buy the hotel.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What got you into comedy Gizzard? As Mr. Connor was saying, I'll tell.

[A]

You also, comedy used to be a job a little bit that everyone would kind of to then get out of it. Like, every standup used to be like, then you go and be a movie star, and you don't have to do that anymore. But now it kind of feels like it's its own thing where people do want to do that.

[B]

You get that weird spot also now with. I think Matt Rife set the standard of that crowd interaction. Cause I know a lot of people.

[A]

Went, yeah, that's a huge part of it.

[C]

Matt Rife, famously the first guy to do crowd work.

[B]

I know, but film invented that level. That took him.

[A]

He might be the first guy to be doing arenas and doing crowd work the entire time. Literally shows four 487C.

[C]

All right, I know, I was just fucking with you. But like, his entire show is crowd work.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Now, to be honest, I don't know exactly, but I've seen people do. Do that. I remember even, like, Russell Peters was doing big theaters and he does a lot of crowd work. And I remember they have like three camera guys and they film the guy that they're talking to and put him on the screen and, you know, it becomes a whole art form.

[C]

You get an Olympic sprinter as your camera guy. Just getting all the way across.

[B]

I'm so tired.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. But no, I started in Toronto, in the Toronto scene.

[D]

Then I can picked up on that Canadian accent. You also mentioned hockey earlier, and I was like, oh, no, nobody cares about hockey except Canadians and Puck.

[A]

Texas. We're in real Texas here too, right? This I've never. When I'm in San Antonio, this is the first time that I felt like. I was like, oh, this feels like actually. What the Texas. I read about it.

[B]

Was it the Mexicans?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

What tipped you off?

[A]

I think it was the fireworks stores, to be honest.

[B]

That's Mexican.

[A]

When I see like five fireworks stores in a row. Now we're talking.

[B]

All right, I hate that.

[C]

Fair enough.

[B]

I was that Driving to the podcast, there's like, fireworks store. Fireworks.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Pretty much everywhere. On any highway around San Antonio, you've got fireworks stores that are like. They only open like three weeks a year, too. Like before 4th of July.

[A]

Are they money laundering operations, you think?

[C]

Most likely.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like, what's the Halloween spirit?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

So Toronto. When's about.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, Toronto. That's where I started doing comedy. Was there for like 10 years. Moved to New York, which is probably the opposite of Texas right now.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You guys think that?

[C]

Cold and shitty.

[A]

Yeah, it is kind of, if you think about it a little bit.

[D]

Sorry, Rich, that's our buddy, he lives there. We got a friend who lives there.

[A]

Do you guys hate New York or do you like New York?

[B]

I would never live there.

[D]

I've never been to New York City.

[A]

I mean, living there is insane. $10,000 to live in a rat hole.

[B]

See, that is. I'm good now.

[C]

Going to a place where all of the streets smell like piss all the time. Oh, yeah, I know why Spider Man's superpower was not having to touch the sidewalk now.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Just gross. You don't have a choice too. Like, I remember when I first moved there, you're just like, everything's far too. You're walking around everywhere and you can't use a bathroom. So you're just like, yeah, yeah. People are just during the day, pissing everywhere.

[C]

Oh, legit.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, it makes sense. It smells like it.

[B]

I could. No, like, even that move. We visited multiple times. And the second I land or I have to deal with anything in a big city, I'm like, mom, I'm golden. This is quiet all day long. And then $10,000 for a rat hole. Yeah, yeah, good to go.

[C]

But the comedy scene's big there.

[A]

Comedy. The comedy scene. So people would say that New York's kind of like, it's right now, it's New York, Louisiana. Austin's kind of like the third contender is like, the part of the comedy scene, like it used to be you had to move to New York or la and probably a lot of things were like this. For finance, you had to be in New York. And it feels like that's decentralizing, you know, a little bit where a lot of people, you can. You can make it work in New Austin. And then also there's kind of a theory that a lot of people talk about where kind of like, new scenes and energy happen in places where people have low rent. So if everything gets interesting, like, if you think of, like, I mean, even in music, that happens where people's parents can afford a garage so a band can actually have drums, you know, so in a city like New York, you know, if you go there and you're 20 years old, like, it's pretty hard to make it work. So if you go to somewhere where you can kind of live with a bunch of people and it's super cheap, you can spend all your time on, you know, doing whatever art you're up to for the next six years. Well, no one's paying attention.

[C]

It's kind of like wherever you can have, like, a little incubator house.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

A bunch of, like, artists living together.

[A]

Incubator is the perfect world because it's kind of like you almost need to have, like, low stakes making mistakes with no one paying attention to make good things. Like.

[D]

Right.

[A]

So these scenes kind of always, like, pop up in different places. But all the good. All the best comedians and comedy clubs technically are in New York. So that's kind of like the Silicon Valley of comedy, I'd say.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I knew that. You know, there's different, like, comedy clubs and stuff like that that are, like, very famous in, like, L. A. But I didn't know it was that big in New York. That's just me not being in the industry, I guess.

[A]

But it's kind of like same as Broadway. Like, live performance. The live performance part of it took him. People used to say they go. Go to New York to get good and then go to LA to get famous.

[C]

Right.

[A]

You know, all of the things are changing. Cause everyone, you know, there's some Atlanta. There's just a bunch of guys doing, you know, their thing in Atlanta and a bunch of guys in Chicago. And now it's like, you're like, well, I don't have to be there if I'm like a touring act. And people are kind of skipping steps where it used to be, okay, you go to New York, then you go to LA or, you know, some version of that, and then you get really good in LA and then you're on some TV shows and then you're kind of touring to your audience and you're like, oh, maybe I don't have to live here anymore. Where it's. Now people are getting there, right?

[C]

Especially, well, like, now that the Internet, I feel like, has jailbroken most of that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

You're just. You're able to just. If you're good and you're funny and people like you and you get out there and you make enough content.

[D]

Well, I feel like. And you can tell me if I'm wrong, but I feel like there stylistically is kind of a difference between New York comics and LA comics.

[A]

Yeah. What would you describe it as? How do you see it?

[D]

He didn't think that.

[C]

No, no, no, no.

[D]

I was going to. I was going to compare it as, like, slightly grittier and funny and then just, like, gay. Guess which city's which.

[C]

The world may never know.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. It used to be. I feel like New York comics used to shit on la. Now Austin people are shitting. Like, there's a kind of, like, war is always between the cities.

[D]

But I feel like the Austin shit is kind of getting a little aggressive, but.

[A]

Aggressive.

[D]

Aggressive in regards to the, like, saying the word retard is funny.

[A]

Dude. Every criticism, we're back to 2008.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Every criticism about a scene, there's probably, like, some true parts and then some overblown parts. You know what I mean? But, yeah, used to be LA was kind of. Well, you think actors. It's like more energy than funny kind of Was the criticism before in New York, maybe you could say you iron out all your personality and it's just a guy, like, doesn't move and tells jokes, but the jokes are really good.

[D]

There's a lot of cynicism there too, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So you can kind of say like, a good thing and a bad thing about every, you know, type of comedy or scene. They always have, like, the part of it that's good and the part of it that's corny.

[B]

Interesting. And then what made you start in. You were in Toronto first, and then you're like, hey, okay. Now I've expanded into.

[A]

So I used to. I. I was in, like, a band. So I was like a music guy. You, music guy? Got tattoos and stuff?

[B]

Oh, no. Army and anime guy.

[D]

He hates me.

[B]

I don't listen to music. Like, Connor's right. I just do not listen to music.

[A]

It's weird.

[C]

We call it psychopathy.

[A]

A lot of people that I've talked to, it sounds like the kind of. The culture of, like, being a young band guy might be compared to being, like an athlete. Like, you know, the same kind of like a team, you know what I mean? Might be the same as sort of like a, you know, a young band scene and the same as the army. A lot of people said those three things. It's kind of this, you know, just a group of guys.

[C]

If you're bad at your job, you get shot.

[A]

Yeah. If you're bad at your job, you get shot. Obviously, the bass player usually takes one.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Eli famously batted his job.

[D]

I know the music thing. Were you in a ska band?

[A]

Yeah, kind of like. Yeah. Punk, reggae, rap, Scots.

[D]

I could be a goddamn detective.

[B]

I don't even know what that is.

[A]

This is selector. This is the. It was originally. It was. This is kind of the Specials logo, but it was also like a record label in the uk.

[C]

So you're telling me that's Town by.

[D]

By the Specials. Love that song.

[C]

You're telling me that's not a Blues Brother?

[A]

It kind of looks like a Blues Brother, but it's a Selector. Fast forward Selector. You never heard of that?

[C]

No, not at all. I'm sorry if I'm just not cultured.

[D]

I listen to the Specials all the time at your house. Really?

[C]

Yeah. Oh, no.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And then his Special opened with a. A ska song.

[B]

Yeah, that was a.

[A]

A Ben.

[C]

Oh, so you had prior knowledge.

[B]

You.

[C]

That doesn't count.

[D]

Well, he did slip that I could be a detective.

[A]

Connor beforehand himself on the back lot.

[C]

So I. I googled you Before I showed up. Oh, no.

[A]

Shut the up.

[B]

Did.

[A]

Did you also listen to his special this morning? No.

[D]

Oh, suck my.

[C]

I was listening to the Low.

[D]

I saw the Specials tattoo on his arm.

[A]

He's opened his.

[D]

His special with ska.

[A]

This is a reggae band. I'm sorry.

[D]

And Captain Hines.

[A]

He was in a band. Oh, shut the up.

[D]

Nobody would have intuited that. That's called intuitive reasoning.

[C]

It's logic. I implied it.

[D]

I could be a goddamn detective. If only that Sherlock Holmes used you.

[A]

Can all suck my fat.

[C]

If only detectives had access to Google. What do you mean?

[D]

I watched his special.

[A]

Appreciate that.

[D]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Problem solved out on YouTube.

[C]

I had watched a lot of his content beforehand. I didn't need to research.

[D]

I just figured I'd come in ready with all of his jokes fresh in my mind.

[A]

Oh, I love this.

[B]

So.

[D]

Also found.

[B]

Welcome to Unto.

[A]

Oh, my God. It's the perfect jeans, right?

[C]

I can leave.

[A]

Brandon, get on his shoulders.

[C]

Up here, big boy.

[A]

Try the perfect jeans out as earmuffs.

[B]

Brandon, how perfect are they?

[C]

Feels like the perfect jeans.

[B]

They're so flexible.

[A]

I'm fat. I can actually do squats on them. Usually that's an issue.

[C]

I'm picturing you do doing squats in the gym with these jeans.

[A]

I could.

[B]

Dude, they are like.

[C]

Eli's just mogging on the audience right now.

[B]

Finn, make my dick talk. Now you're watching the ad, and pants season is almost here.

[A]

It's always pants season if you're a adult.

[C]

It's August in Texas. We're all wearing jeans.

[A]

The perfect jeans.

[B]

That's right. Today we're talking about the perfect jean. Brandon, how my jeans feel on your neck.

[C]

Feels like I need to talk to hr.

[B]

But they were comfortable, right?

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

This brand, the perfect gene. It's actually perfect. It's real denim, but not the heavy stuff.

[A]

I just like how they finally say that. We can say your khakis, which works great pretty much everywhere. Except for Boston, I'm sure.

[C]

Just means the valet is quitting. For a limited time, our listeners get 15% off their first order plus free shipping at The Perfect Gene NYC.

[B]

Or Google the Perfect Gene and use code UNSUB15 to get 15% off.

[A]

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[B]

Listeners get 15 off their first order plus free shipping.

[A]

It's lighter, softer, stretchier, and it's not a sex toy.

[C]

Not with that attitude.

[B]

Use that one.

[C]

And again, that's free returns, free exchanges. When you use code unsub15 at checkout.

[A]

That's 15 off at checkout for the perfect jeans. Connor loves perfect jeans.

[B]

He does. They fit him really nice.

[A]

Oh, pants.

[D]

Very odd that the same day you were in San Antonio last year, you're here again the 14th.

[A]

Have you been here before?

[D]

Have you not?

[A]

I thought I hadn't, but that happens to me a lot where I have good tour.

[D]

Oh, there was a pinned comment on your video. That was from a year ago, dude.

[A]

It's very possible, but I just told him I've never been here, so.

[D]

Oh, shit.

[A]

In my mind, I had this. My first.

[C]

Glad we made an impact.

[A]

Drugs, dude. I do that all the time.

[C]

I was there, front row. Do you remember?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Great show.

[A]

I still don't, like, know America that well, so there's. I do do that where I go to places and kind of forget or I think I've been somewhere that I haven't. But if I've been here last year.

[B]

He'S like, oh, Mexicans. This year he's like, ew, Mexicans.

[A]

If I've been here. That's crazy because I've been saying it's the first time here for.

[C]

If he was here last year, he'd be like, oh, Mexicans. If he's here this year, where did the Mexicans go?

[D]

We sent them back.

[A]

God damn. Have I been here? That's crazy. But that. I do do that same, Detective.

[D]

Yeah. Half the information I learned is false.

[A]

That's possible for sure. Possible.

[C]

I don't know who's wrong.

[B]

I'm loving it.

[A]

No.

[B]

Then.

[A]

Yeah. So I was doing the music thing, and we were pretty kind of pretty popular in Canada. Toured America a decent amount, but, like, had a bunch of records. And then during that time, we started doing this, like, cable access show. Me and the other gu. The band like Tom Green, kind of, you know, that world, like we were doing, it was like a lot of on the street stuff.

[B]

2000S.

[A]

What year this would have been? I actually don't know. Years. But I'll tell you how many years ago you can. So I'm. I'm 40 now. That would have been when I was 24.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

16 years, everybody. So 2010, six years ago.

[B]

Oh, 26. 2006. 2007. 2007.

[D]

Can't do subtraction.

[C]

16 years ago. 20.

[A]

26.

[C]

2010.

[B]

Yeah. There.

[A]

Yeah. So all you guys are into that.

[C]

You've got tbi.

[A]

Like, you have an excuse.

[B]

I dropped out of high school. I have so many excuses. I'm 40.

[A]

You must have been into Jackass and Tom Green, all that sort of stuff.

[B]

Well, you said Tom Green. I was like, oh, you're my age or.

[A]

Yeah, the goat.

[D]

Yeah, that was like 03ish.

[A]

Yeah, we were doing all these DVDs back in the day. It was DVDs.

[B]

Oh, so you're recording like, old camcorder.

[A]

In high school, I was huge into the filming everyone. And then, you know, you take the stuff, you put it on the. You put it on the tv. You have to watch it there. You can only kind of like edit it on the thing.

[B]

Your parents did way better than mine because you could afford a camcorder.

[A]

They were that expensive. These like, super crappy ones. And you don't need one for the squad.

[C]

Oh, that's true.

[B]

That is true. But yeah, that is.

[A]

Oh, man, that was the game back then. Yeah. And then you'd kind of. Yeah, you put them. And then I remember the first. I had like the first imovie and figured out how to edit and you're just like, sick. My day kicks off with a refreshing Celsius energy drink. Then straight to the gym, pre K.

[C]

Pickup back home to meal prep.

[A]

Time for my fire station shift.

[C]

One more Celsius. Gotta keep the lights on when the three alarm hits.

[A]

I'm ready.

[C]

Celsius live fit.

[A]

Go grab a cold, refreshing Celsius at your local retailer or locate [e-mail].

[C]

Windows Movie Maker.

[A]

Yeah. Windows Movie Maker. Yeah.

[B]

What do you guys think? Play it's a slow intro with sparkles. Yeah.

[D]

The star wipe transition.

[A]

Yeah. You felt like a wizard.

[D]

Yeah. Fucking sick.

[C]

I'm basically Scorsese.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you were doing that and then you're like, okay, hey, we're.

[A]

Yeah, we said we're doing all these DVDs and band stuff and, you know, whatever, like just filming all sorts of crazy little videos. And then we made a. Put it together into a pilot and sold this cable access show that you, you know, made $400 an episode for. Did some of that, then sort of turned that into this show at like, Bite TV called Ryan Long is Challenged. And then during that time, I started doing stand up.

[C]

It was called Ryan Long is Challenged.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That's fucking rad. Not bad.

[A]

Yeah, I actually put some Ryan Challenge or Ryan. Ryan Long is Challenged.

[B]

That is fucking dope.

[A]

Yeah, it was like a fake. It was a fake, fake reality show where every episode there's like a new challenge, but they're all. It was all, you know, messing with people on the street stuff that Was kind of the whole thing.

[B]

His challenge is a while.

[A]

Yeah. So just doing all that stuff. And then during that time, it was kind of like, oh, yeah, maybe I should. I guess I should also try stand up. And then you try stand up and you're like, I guess that's my life now. Because you. You think it's just like, hey, sort of do that. And then you're just like, no, if you want to do that, it takes over everything in your life. And then you're just like, then I guess I've done stand up almost every night for the last 15 years now.

[C]

No sh.

[A]

I mean, at least, like, three, four times a week even. I probably haven't gone a week without doing stand up and. Since I started. Yeah.

[C]

So I think I know the answer, but I'm just curious. Like, are the jitters now completely gone? When you stand up in front of a crowd and you're doing, like, you know, crowd work or something? Improv. Like, do you just know, like, hey, I'm a pro at this point? I can just do it?

[A]

Yeah. I feel like the only time you get jitters is almost the reverse of what you'd think where, like, if you go do some, like, huge show for 2,000 people, that would not. I could literally be just, like, talking and going. It wouldn't even anything.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But if I was doing a show for, like, seven people in the city and it was crappy, and then someone that I care about, their opinion walks in the room, then all of a sudden you're kind of like, all right. And then you start. Then that's when your brain starts going like these weird moments. You kind of get nervous for a second.

[C]

So what you're telling me is that you don't care about your fans?

[A]

No, it's easy. No, I think. What makes you. I thought about this before I go. What makes you nervous? Like, even with anything you go. Nervousness comes from. I'm not sure how this is going to shake down. Whereas if I'm in a. Like, a theater with tons of people, I kind of know exactly what's going to happen, and there's nothing that could happen that I couldn't handle. Well, yeah.

[D]

Like, performing to one person sitting on a couch is nightmarish. 700 people, where it's just a.

[C]

A blur.

[D]

It's like, oh, okay, we got this.

[A]

So it's like a lack of control.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That's my worst fear. Performing in small rooms, like, to a handful of people, Especially when it's one.

[C]

Couch with a camcorder it's just a very.

[B]

There's that. I know what's going to happen. Says, he said control.

[C]

But no, no, I've been here before.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Couldn't you say, like, if you were putting on it, Like, I can even. You can probably relate this even, like, to guns, now that I'm saying that. To the whole thing or whatever. But, like, imagine you were being like, okay, I'm gonna put in a demonstration for my fans. You probably wouldn't be nervous, but imagine you were kind of messing around and someone that was, like, really good was, like, over your shoulder.

[C]

Yeah, okay. I know exactly what I mean.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

If. Yeah, if every video I did, I had Ian from Forgotten Weapons, like, right over my shoulder, like, analyzing everything I did.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I would have a bit of a complex.

[A]

Like, all of a sudden, then you're kind of like, oh, am I? Do I even know how to shoot a gun?

[C]

Like, I. I know that fact's correct, but is it?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So I feel like those little moments, like, kind of get in your head.

[C]

And when you say, like, people that you respect, like, somebody. Somebody whose opinion you respect, walks into the room, you're talking about, like, other comics.

[A]

Yeah. It might just be even, like, your boy that you haven't. You haven't seen in a while. So it's a lot of times, you know, everyone's out on the road. Then your friend, you know, people are on the road, and then you kind of see him in the city. You're like, oh, what's this guy been up to? You kind of watch his set for 15 minutes.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And then he was like, I actually wanted to work on stuff. Stop watching me. You know what I mean? But, yeah, then someone comes in that you haven't seen in a while, and you want them to think you're funny. So then they kind of come in, and then you all of a sudden and like, fuck.

[D]

I was gonna.

[A]

Planning on bombing right now. And, like, working on all this new stuff.

[C]

I was planning on bombing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now you're like, what? For the new stuff?

[B]

I walked in here to eat shit. But what was that change to go to comedy? Cause that is, like, what, you're doing a band element, and now it's, well, I'll just tell jokes. That is a step.

[C]

It's an interesting switch.

[B]

Yeah. Because that is. We get up, we'll perform in front of a lot of people, and it's just a podcast. It's crowd interaction. It's an amazing time.

[A]

But that sounds sick.

[B]

Don't have that Fear of walking up by yourself and be like.

[D]

Yeah, alone. Spooky.

[B]

And then like, boo. I'd crumble immediately by myself.

[A]

Yeah. Everything just becomes normal. I mean, I probably wouldn't want to do whatever you did in the army.

[B]

Unfortunately, I don't think most be bad at your job.

[C]

I mean, that's a fair. That's a fair jump.

[D]

I'd rather like in front of 700 people than get shot in the ass.

[C]

I'd rather bomb on stage than get bombed. Yeah, that's pretty. Yeah. I think most people take that trade, to be honest.

[A]

But then it becomes normal probably at.

[B]

Some point, you know, it does.

[A]

It really does. I mean, okay.

[B]

My normal is like, ugh, if they shoot me, I hope it's here.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

It'll instantly not be my problem.

[B]

Yeah, I'm not worried anymore.

[A]

You know what? It's probably the true stand up is the hardest one for the first, like, five years. And then it's like, it's super hard to not be that good at. You know what I mean? And it's hard.

[C]

Good to know there's an easy learning curve.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then after it's pretty hard for.

[C]

Half a decade, it's, you know.

[A]

Yeah. Probably seven, eight years for people. And then after that, it just becomes anything else. Like, once you've been doing it for eight years and you're like, okay, I have an hour. I can do this. Then it becomes anything else. Whereas, like, then now I go, sometimes you'll be like, man, this is kind of rough. And then you're just like, yeah, but the other version that other people are doing, you're like, like, then you go in Knockedagon and fight people to the. You know what I mean? So you go, it's hard to be, oh, man, this is so hard. I gotta go stand in front of people and speak.

[C]

I will say there's something to be said too, about, like, especially our podcast format is because, like, when you're up there with five of your boys and, you know, you got an audience that's already like, they. They fucking love, you know, a lot of the shit we've done before. And so, like, they go crazy. They're there for you. It's gotta be. Yeah, exactly. They're there for us. Like, we built that community. But like, oh, yeah. Being able to have that versus going up into a crowd of, you know, for example, 2, 300 people that you've never met before that maybe don't know you at all.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And have to make them laugh. That seems like a Totally different skill set.

[A]

Yeah, it all just becomes a, like, it becomes regular where you're just like, well, you know how to do it. You know what I mean? Yeah, it becomes the, like, to use the octagon analogy of like, yeah, that would be hard to have to go fight the best fighter in the world every night. But you're like, that's not really what you're doing in that scenario. What you're really doing for that UFC fighter is beating up a guy in a bar, you know what I mean? Where, like, that actually wasn't that stressful or hard.

[B]

Oh, gotcha.

[A]

Because you're like, yeah, but you worked it. You're putting together this hour and it's like, now you have this jokes and you're like. And then the things that work, it works every time. It's kind of like magic in that sense where you're like, I have this thing. It almost always work. And then you, your instincts, you have so many different instincts that, okay, if this happens, I do this and they become microscopic and it becomes like second nature, I guess.

[C]

You just do the thing you all always do.

[A]

Yeah, I think everything, like mastery or whatever, it probably works similar in, like, everything. The difference is probably with stand up. Why it seems maybe sometimes scarier is like, if you're like A. There's 16 year olds that like form a band and then it's pretty good. Or YouTubers, like, even that are, you know what, I'm gonna start making some sketches. And then within a year you're like, oh, that's actually pretty funny that, that one. That curve is more like five, six years probably. There's very few people that are just like, oh, yeah.

[C]

Well, you're also directly facing the, like, the number one fear of most people, which is not only public speaking, but public speaking, where you're expected to make people laugh, which is far harder.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So, like, you have like, I guarantee you, if you talk to most of the people in the audience or whoever, they would rather jump out of a plane than do a 20 minute set in front of 500 people.

[D]

I'm saying on the podcast, there's so. There's so much comfort because, like every time I've been on stage, it's like, if you throw out a joke and it fucking bombs. I can just flash eyes at Brandon.

[C]

I'm like, take over.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Like, it's not, it's not up to me to. Well, you guys didn't like that one.

[B]

Instant feedback. And that's what you have to deal with, that instant feedback.

[A]

I mean, you are, right. That stinks. Like, when you're just there and you're eating it and there's nothing you can do, and you're three years in, you don't even have the tools. You're like, this is the worst thing I've ever experienced.

[D]

What's the hardest you've ever bombed so many times?

[B]

I mean, what's the one that sticks.

[D]

In your mind, though? There's got to be one.

[A]

One that's funny is there's certain people that you're just, like, really not equipped to follow when you're young. And I remember some, like, there was this guy, he was in a wheelchair, and he went up and he was just, like, crushing for. It was in front of a black audience, too. So black audiences get like, wow, you.

[B]

Know, and what are you saying?

[A]

I'm joking. To lose them. Their highs are highs, but if they turn on you, they're like, you. So you know what I mean?

[B]

Like, and then what's the best reactions? Like that. They are phenomenal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Audience to have. Because it is over that top reaction.

[D]

They.

[B]

They. Yeah. Mexicans, I would call them. They too. Oh, white people.

[C]

They.

[A]

Yeah. Black rooms is a thing. Yeah, yeah, that's a. That's a. Definitely a thing. So.

[C]

But you lost them.

[A]

Well, this guy went up with a wheelchair, and he had, like, a hand that had cerebral palsy cheat codes. And this guy was, like, talking about how he's, like, fingering girls with his hand and just black guys are falling out of their chair, dying, laughing, right? And then I went up immediately and I said some. Something about, like, gay people. And, like, everyone in the crowd was just like, yo, hey, yo. Like, and I remember just being like, I have nine more minutes. And then about three minutes in this black room, they have, like, a DJ that plays, like, get off stage music. Oh, shit. And I'm like, I probably maybe a year into comedy, and this guy's just, like, murdering. I went up, talked about gay people. Everyone's just like, what? About to puke? Like, and then. And then the DJ puts on, like, music to kick me off stage. Everyone starts bursting out laughing. And I walked off stage and just, like, walked into an ocean. And I was like, I'm not doing stand up anymore. But, yeah. But then 10 more of those click.

[C]

All right, well, I guess I'm doing tomorrow's show.

[A]

It sucks. Dude Stinks.

[B]

Have you ever woke up and felt like your mattress punched you in your sleep?

[A]

I still think it was my wife, but yeah.

[D]

Eli, do you have the Mattress right here. A pillow?

[A]

No, that's an Eli sized mattress. Exactly.

[D]

Eli. Can I feel the pillow?

[A]

Of course.

[C]

They're so soft.

[B]

Ghostbed just launched their brand new mattress line.

[A]

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That's ghostbed.com unsubscribe.

[A]

Sleep better, stay cooler or Cody's gonna.

[D]

I'll eat your.

[B]

Ghostbed.Com what is it now? Do you see your show has to change depending on what location you're at? Because I think that is a big element, like a very large element. We had that same experience with even the employees at certain locations were way more opening.

[D]

Certain locations, locations in New Jersey were way more respect.

[B]

They liked us versus just hating us for no reason.

[C]

Oh really?

[B]

You see that?

[A]

That's like your shows. Yeah, that's interesting. When you ask like your fans and then what do you think it was? Do you think that they just kind of were expecting something different?

[B]

No, the fans loved it. It was the employees.

[D]

Oh, the employees in the venue.

[C]

The fans. The fans were pretty much great everywhere.

[A]

You could feel their energy of like a lady walking around like giving you.

[C]

Oh no. Like they made it known.

[B]

They like out the gate. We've never been patted down to go in a green room before or in the backstage. Like.

[C]

Yeah, I'm like, you're patting people down for weapons for our sake.

[B]

Like they're just assholes. Like the entire time and we didn't know what we did. It was a. Because we start the show, we tip every all the employees.

[A]

You guys are all nice out the gate.

[B]

Like first thing we do. We haven't seen how you're going to work. It's like, here's tips, blah, blah, blah. I hope. Just enjoy the show. Have fun.

[C]

You take care of the people that take care of you. You know, like, if you guys have, you know, you're putting on a. You guys are here helping us put on the show that allows us to do all this for our fans. It's like, yeah, we'll. We'll, you know, we'll make sure that you're. You're paid accordingly. These people and, well, also Jersey, they weren't allowed to get tipped out. They're not allowed to get fired, and they're not allowed to get tipped. Wow. I wonder why their performance sucks.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's like.

[B]

And that's the only time we've ever had a bad experience, ever.

[A]

Yeah. And it kind of weighs on you. You're on stage, like, knowing these. The energy of these nine people that don't like me, and there's nothing I can do about it.

[B]

Our kids are going off.

[C]

We were getting texts the entire time. Like, where all of our staff. That's like, dealing with behind the scenes is like, they're bullying us right now. They're like, hey, as soon as you guys get off stage, like, while we normally, like, hang out and everything, bail, we're leaving.

[A]

Did you guys talk about it on stage? Did you be like, the staffs a bit much?

[B]

No, we were still super nice. Even said, hey, make sure you tip them out. It was that when we got home, we did an IG story. And then they found out the power of the Internet really fast.

[C]

Like, oh, they got review bombed like crazy.

[A]

You guys Karen them kind of. I wanted to Karen someone last night. What happened?

[D]

Tell the story.

[A]

Went to the Alamo rental place. No shout out to Alamo. And they wouldn't give me a car because I didn't have my passport. I only have my permanent resident card. And they're just like, you have to have a passport. And then they're like, they got the manager and she goes, I don't know what you're trying to do, but you're not getting a car. And I was just like, I'll show you. I pulled up their website and it was like, you just need a valid government id. And if you look up valid government id, permanent resident card counts. It's like your status card or whatever. And then I saw my Toronto license.

[D]

I was gonna say, what's your Canadian driver's license?

[A]

My Canadian driver's license. I have my permanent resident card. And then like three credit cards, like whatever it was. And then she was just like, no. And I'm like, I'm showing you the thing. And then she was like, you can show me all you want. Like, you're not getting a car. And then she goes, that's Texas law that you need a passport. And then I go. And then. So I fought with her for a bit and then walked to the next booth over and the guy gave me a car. But I had. Yeah, I was just.

[D]

Texas law.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. I went back and I was the next booth.

[D]

The guy was like, oh, you have $250.

[A]

Here's the keys. But it was like late after.

[C]

Like you stole it.

[A]

I was infuriating. I was like, want to review on them? Got the girl's name too, but drop it. Considering it.

[B]

So is that though, like the different.

[A]

If I was on stage in that scenario, that. Cause that's what you're sitting in there in that energy. I would figure out a way to get rid of that energy as soon as possible. So if I was for you, you're like, this thing's happening. I would be talking about that immediately be like, pretty weird interaction with the staff. Like that would cause, whoa, this is a lion.

[B]

We love our community.

[A]

But you can do it. In a way though, there's an elephant community. But you're describing like an elephant in the room, right?

[B]

This is just on Instagram stories they have.

[C]

We're in a room full of elephant hunters is the problem.

[B]

This is.

[A]

You're saying you'll be like, stop's really weird.

[D]

Yeah, stop, stop.

[B]

It was a review bomb. This is. And this is just that Evening at like 11am or 11pm till 2 in the morning, we're doing stories about it. And they have probably a thing. Thousand reviews already at that, like on every platform against them. Just one start and that is a thousand, like in a three hour window. And you're like, whoa.

[C]

And some of it was.

[A]

Some of.

[C]

Some of the stuff they did was pretty egregious. Like not only was it like mistreatment, it was like harassment of certain people. And just like they just all around were just a terrible fucking venue. Everybody. It.

[B]

We've never had that before.

[C]

No. Ever. Out of 20 shows, maybe. Roughly.

[A]

And you still don't know what it was. Like, you never got to the bottom of why these guys have a bone.

[C]

To pick with us. My theory is just Jersey. I don't like that place. Sorry if you're from Jersey, but you should get out.

[B]

It was a wild one. It Was the exact same set. Exact same. Like, everything we do, we modify it a small amount, but the starting's the same. We're always gonna use the same jokes at the beginning when we're introducing, calling people out. And it was just like instantly like. No, no, it was.

[C]

They just say like 50, 60% of the show is the same. Like, there's a lot of ad libbing. We're just. We're all just bros on stage, hanging out. And like, we're. Especially toward the end. Yeah, we got a structure, but we're also on stage, like, trying to make each other laugh, which is, I think, always kind of a fun vibe.

[A]

Yeah. Hell yeah.

[C]

And that was just. Nothing was inordinately different. But.

[B]

But them, they were very different. And no matter what we did just. We just never work with a union in that side of the space, ever.

[C]

We didn't even get to do, like a sound check union.

[A]

It was a union.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, those are hard to deal with, man. Every time you're just like, hey, I'm thinking about putting just like a small thing on the wall. And they're like, oh, we're gonna need the small thing on the wall guy.

[B]

We've got seven fucking people.

[C]

That's another $2,000.

[A]

It's. It literally, it's everything. You're just like, hey, I'm gonna be wearing a hat. Is that a problem? And they go, oh, well, you didn't.

[C]

Tell us we had to hire a hat guy.

[B]

Tony.

[A]

Who's the hat guy?

[D]

We gotta call them.

[C]

We gotta call Tony. Two hats.

[B]

You get this hat or this hat. Which hat do you want to wear? No, you can't wear that hat.

[A]

What is that? It's a red hat.

[C]

Dude. Oh, my God.

[A]

No, we gotta call Nick. He's the red hat guy.

[C]

They didn't let us do a sound check because they said, oh, yeah, no, we have our dedicated, like, two hours smoke break. If you don't get your sound check done by this time, then you don't get to do one. I'm like, okay, cool. Then afterward, we had, like, a medical emergency.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

There was somebody who, like, actually had passed out, and they were trying to get EMS in there. They turned off the lights. They're like, oh, well, union rules. You want the lights back on? It's $2,000. It's like, are you not a joke? Kidding me? No.

[D]

That genuinely fucking light switch.

[A]

I've experienced this tons of times.

[B]

Yeah, that was our.

[A]

Dude, I made a TV show that was like, union. I was just like, the bane of my existence. Just every day.

[C]

All right, well, you open the door.

[A]

All right.

[C]

TV show.

[D]

TV show. Tell us about TV show.

[A]

Also, just the exact same thing. Well, it was when I did my show at cbc, we did. I did like this digital series called Trontopia, which is sketches about Toronto. But it was just every same thing where you're just like, you want to change anything. Okay, I want to just like, for example, you know, you guys are filming, you're like, you know what? Let's put our boy in for one shot. You're just like, okay, that's going to take a month of prep. Everything is just. And, you know, enormous. And then I didn't do it. So I, I was kind of like, I can. We're small enough I could probably, you know, get away with this stuff. So I would just be like, we need an extra. Like, you know, well, let's put the camera guy there for a second. And then, you know what I mean? They tracked me down. They're like, yo, you owe me 20 grand, dude.

[C]

LifeLock, how can I help?

[A]

The IRS said I filed my return, but I haven't.

[B]

One in four taxpaying Americans has paid the price of identity fraud.

[A]

What do I do? My refund, though. I'm freaking out.

[C]

Don't worry, I can fix this.

[B]

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[A]

I'm so relieved.

[C]

No problem. I'll be with you every step of the way.

[B]

One in four was a fraud paying American. Not anymore. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com podcast terms apply dude, it is wild when we had to do working with Union and it was part of video game high school and the crowd, we needed a reaction. Crowd shot in an office and it was like, okay, everyone go. And they start screaming for. He's like, no, no, no screaming, no yelling, no nothing. Just. Cause you have to pay for that.

[C]

Because they're speaking.

[A]

You're not silent on camera.

[B]

Yep. Dude, the dumb roll.

[D]

The gayest shit I ever heard in my life.

[B]

It's fucking wild.

[A]

Yeah, but they got the theaters, the theater ones, they've really. The live theaters, they've really got on lockdown and you're in some small place. Like I wanted to do. I think I was in Toronto. I wanted to do like a minute long intro video and it was just like. I mean, they want your firstborn. It's crazy.

[B]

Jesus.

[C]

I feel like Hollywood's like that, that spider man pointing at spider man. Meme. It's like, who's killing Hollywood? You guys, with your dumb rules. Like, of course, now the barrier to entry is so low to do shit on the Internet now.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And they're happening simultaneously, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's kind of a weird position where we're like, we're going to make it harder at the same time. People don't need us.

[C]

Yeah, we're going to make it harder in a time where our competition is so much more prepared to overtake us for the war on attention.

[A]

I remember in like acting unions, which I've been in at some point, the Film Actors Guild.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Film Actors Guild actor.

[A]

I was like watching.

[B]

I was waiting for con attraction.

[A]

Yeah. Very high brow stuff. Yeah.

[D]

For me.

[A]

And then an actor, you know, I don't want to talk about my craft of acting. But they. No, it would be. There was a point where they were saying that if people wanted to make Instagram videos on their own channel, they can't because they're a union actor, so they have to pay the fee. And it was just like, yeah, you guys, are you trying to make yourself obsolete? Because this is so. Everyone's just like, okay, well, I'm not. Not doing social media stuff, so I guess do what you got to do. And then there's like, oh, you're kicked out. And be like, oh, no.

[D]

No, I'm to make money on my own. Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It feels like the train industry, as soon as commercial flights started taking off, you're like, oh, yeah, you do your silly airplane business. We'll be here forever.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, the equivalent of the trains being like. Also there's a three hour process to get on the train and then you have to pay 14 background. And then also your permanent resident card will not be registered. Like, I don't need you.

[B]

So what is the. The locations you do perform the best or you have to.

[A]

I do the Comedy Cellar, New York Comedy Club, the Stand. There's a club called Williamsburg Comedy Club. I was doing a lot St. Mark's in New York. But yeah, the Comedy Cellar is kind of like the main club in New York, you might say. And then the Stand in New York Comedy Club.

[C]

I've never heard of that. Is that like, kind of like the. Like the Comedy Store?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the Probably New York that. Yeah.

[C]

Thank you for knowing exactly what I was talking about because I could not have come up with the name on the spot.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. LA is the Comedy Store, which is kind of has like a. I don't know. That is a cool energy because it's. It's got this old, like, feels like. You know, people say it feels like it has ghosts there, but like, LA has this weird kind of, you know, vibe where it feels like someone was killed there. And I think there has been people shot there and stuff like that. So it's. It's got kind of like a romantic vibe in a weird way.

[C]

It's kind of like old Vegas in a sense, where you're like, there's all these people that have been through here. Like, these are the people that perform. These are the people that, like, built.

[A]

Built this place up.

[C]

Like, you're like, oh, I'm standing in the same place as these people did.

[A]

And. And comedy seller has a vibe too, where I'm actually. Honestly, since I've been there, I've even been able to be conscious of it. Whereas, like, a lot of times, you know, when you kind of like, look back at times you're like, oh, that was sick. But you didn't notice it at the time. I feel like Comedy Store as seller. I've actually been able to, as I'm there, be like, oh, yeah, this is cool. You know, and it's like, you know, walk. And I live, like, super close. You'd, like, walk there and just every famous person's there. And the shows are all good and the rooms are perfect for comedy. And just then you kind of finish your set, have a beer, watch Dave Attell, and you're just like, oh, yeah, this is like a. I bet you, like, years from now I'll be like, oh, this was sick.

[D]

You know.

[C]

Now when you say when the room is perfect for comedy, what do you mean by that?

[A]

The. I'm not like, the best guy in the world and knowing the. The exact dimensions and stuff, but there's like a science. But the simplest one is low ceilings. Sometimes you're just like, pretty obvious. Low ceilings have carpets.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, your chairs are better acoustics. You know, there's. There's certain backgrounds that look better than others don't have, like a crazy backlight where you can't see it. But most of it's sound, most of it is the audience is dark enough. Because when the audience is bright, they don't laugh as much. You know, little things like that.

[C]

Because I was told, like, the worst thing for, like, a comedy show like that is to have an audience that let's. For example, you got a thousand seats, 400 of them are filled. It's better to have like a room that seats 400 with 400 people. Oh, if people aren't shoulder to shoulder, they don't laugh.

[A]

They laugh more when they're. Yeah, because the energy, it's an energy, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when they're bright and think they're cool, the worst clubs are bright and like hip. Like people. Like a guy like you, well dressed dude, like a guy like you that's there with like a hot date, you.

[C]

Know what I mean?

[A]

And they're sitting there and it's like any, any guy that is there with like a girl and he's kind of like trying to impress her and she's hot. Like, no guy's gonna be like, you know, going to be like, like everyone's trying to be cool. And then on top of that it's bright. So it's not even like dark where you could lose yourself. So like hip, bright tables and stuff. Yeah, that's the kind of, that's the worst ones in the city.

[C]

I find that kind of sucks because it, it, it sucks the fun out of the audience too. Like you're not allowed to laugh.

[A]

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. What you want. Start intro. What you want is like in on the road club where this guy's been with his wife for 10 years and he doesn't give a shit what she thinks of him. You know what I mean?

[B]

He's.

[A]

If he's like, oh my God, like he could be dying. Laughter and she's not gonna. And she's like, oh, that was a lot. And he's like, yeah, go whatever, do something. What are you gonna leave me?

[C]

He's still fireman's carry to the Uber. Like, yeah, yeah, you're going home together no matter what.

[D]

I think through all of our years in business on the Internet, we've all used Shopify. I've used it for merch and my skate shop and a couple other businesses.

[B]

I will actually agree 100% on that. Everything we do is run through Shopify.

[C]

Even bunkers run through Shopify.

[B]

Our shoes, which is a separate company, is run through Shopify and they talk together because of Shopify.

[C]

Shopify runs the world.

[B]

Did you know Shopify will actually help you design a website also?

[C]

Cody?

[D]

I know I didn't know about starting an online store when I started my career online. And Shopify just made it super, super easy for my dumb.

[B]

Brandon. What happens if people haven't heard about my brand though?

[C]

That's actually easy. Eli. Shopify helps you find your customers with easy to use email and social media campaigns.

[B]

Step Cody what happens if I get stuck?

[D]

Shopify is always around to share advice.

[C]

With their award winning 24.

[D]

7 customer service.

[B]

Step support.

[C]

Bro, you got my back and your front.

[B]

Shopify helps millions of businesses around the.

[D]

World and 10% of all e commerce.

[C]

In the US from household names like Mattel or gymshark to new brands.

[B]

Just getting started on some shoes on some merch bunker.

[C]

No.

[D]

We've all been doing this for over.

[C]

A decade and Shopify is the easiest.

[D]

E commerce platform we've ever used.

[C]

I think every single one of us has used Shopify at one point.

[B]

I think all our businesses right now are using Shopify.

[C]

No, except mine. But that's because it's guns can't do that.

[B]

Just one of them. Can't turn those dreams into sfx Cha Ching Shopify New cell sound and give.

[C]

Them the best shot at success with Shopify.

[D]

Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com.

[B]

Unsubpod shopify.com unsubpod that's super interesting in psychology because. Because you don't have control of like hey, I just want. We always set at the beginning of the show. It's like, hey, kill house lights and then stage lights. Here's the beats. We will want house lights to be turned on and kill them right after. You have zero control of that on a. Just on random shows day to day.

[A]

Yeah, I mean that's something. I mean part of the city. When you're in the city, part of it is more like if you think of if you're like a fighter or an athlete, you kind of think a city shows a little more like the gym. You know what I mean? So it's like I'm actually not. What you're saying is like, oh, you might not be able to like lift as much or hit your mat, hit your PRs or whatever. And you go, that's not. I could care less. You know what I mean?

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

So I'm really there and you're like working on yokai. I've sat there all week or all day and being like, I have this new thing I'm trying to try and this and this. So maybe if I do that there and you're kind of trying to get a read on that. I'm not there to. For, you know, if people can't kind of say this but like if I go to the seller and I'm like, oh, that guy killed. He had the best set. It's like, yeah. Cause you Kind of like, were. You know what I mean? Like, a lot of times there's shows where. That's me. Like, there's a lot of times where there's shows in the city where I go on and I'm like, I go really kill. And people are just like, oh, that was. You were like, the best one. I'm like, yeah. Cause I'm a. I was gonna go and, like, work on all this new stuff. There's too many people here and everyone was watching and I was like. And instead of doing that, I went and killed, like, you know what I mean? The thing is, like, did your good shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or the.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The new things I was working. Yeah. It's like, so some of it is like cowardice when you're killing. That's like a fine line.

[C]

Do you think there's, like a reliable way that you can workshop new. New material without having to go in front of a live audience? Are you just always like, I've got to hear what they.

[D]

Is he going to repeat it in front of the fucking mirror psychopath?

[C]

Well, you know what I mean?

[A]

Like, there's.

[C]

There's a way.

[A]

We're just like.

[C]

You're like, I think this is going to be really good. But it's just one of those, like, until first contact with the enemy, you don't know.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I'd say. And you. And believe me, every person and probably me a ton. When you start, obviously when you get busy and things are working good, you're always like, how do I make this more efficient? Obviously the answer is like, what if I could not do that part? And then. Yeah, but you end up wasting more time because you kind of sit there and being like this, I've figured it out. Like, this is gonna work. And then you end up wasting like a day working on this thing that if you just went and did it, you'd be like, actually, no, you know what I mean?

[C]

The vibe was wrong.

[A]

Yeah. No, as soon as you say it, you're kind of like, you know, that kind of doesn't feel right. And you can get it. You can get a vibe. You can weed some out where it's like, you know, saying stuff to your friends and saying that we're like, I can weed out. Where I'm like, I can weed stuff out. But if I. If I'm like, oh, I think this is good. And I say it to some people and I'm like, I think. And then you go on stage and you're like, ah, it wasn't really? You know what I mean?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I'll do that a lot to like friends sometimes too. I'm just like, like if I'm working on a joke for a video, I'm just like, like, ah, like I'll throw it at him like that. Didn't get the response I wanted. All right. Yeah, let's maybe workshop that a little bit.

[A]

Yeah. Also there's kind of a thing with maybe other format even like making funny videos or, you know, doing people who do funny articles or other funny things. It's like that game is a lot about having like a lot of sevens consistently. You know what I mean? Even like in tv, a lot of jokes, there's like, it's about. We're Stand up's more like, like the threshold of this makes it into the hours like so much higher that there's like a higher weeding out process, you know. So if you're just making like there's videos where it's like, okay, I put out a video and it had, you know, 30 kind of laugh points in it. And some of Those probably were Bs, some of them, but like pretty consistent. Whereas stand up, if you went and did 30 of those, you'd be like, ah, maybe I have one thing, you know.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So the threshold is just so much higher.

[B]

What was one of the jokes you did that was like, you're like, this will crush. I think the is going to be the one. And then you just watched the opposite happen.

[A]

Oh, that's funny. The. Yeah, just the joke, like where for a. A week I've just been like, well, I solved comedy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You go on stage, you go, it turns out I didn't solve anything.

[B]

I didn't solve.

[D]

This is the platinum joke, the one everybody's been working for since the dawn of time.

[B]

This is my platinum.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

So you made that comment about post inconsistent sevens and that's how I built my career.

[A]

That took great offense, great offense to that. Right, man. Whether become girls or jokes. Nothing wrong.

[D]

Just hitting that right in the outfield every time. No home runs so far, but it's worked out just fine.

[A]

Yeah, I always, even just recently, you'll have a thing where you have a small point where you go, you have this whole bit and then just the one tiny part of it is like, you're like, I guess that's something. But this nine minute thing that I thought was. And I was just like, you know, family is really important for poor people. And then you go, that's it. And then this whole other thing I go, this one little line at the beginning was gonna laugh every time. And then I was just like. And then this whole. So I guess, like, maybe when I have a joke about family, I can get that back in there. But sometime. There has been times where I've had things personally where I'm like, oh, this is. I know it's good because I know I'm like, I have a good. I know I'm like, onto something here. But it took me nine years to, you know. Cause every time I've kind of finished a special or I'm like, you know what? Let me look at all my old notes, and maybe there's something there. Every time I'm like, why did I ever. This is gold. And then you bring it out, try it for a week, force it. And I go, yeah, I'm back in this closet with that.

[B]

Why? This is. Oh, my. You're disgusting.

[A]

I mean, it really is like a girl where it's like, you get back with the hot girl, and you're like, why did I ever stop? Do this girl rule. And then like, week three, you're like, that's why.

[C]

Right?

[A]

Crazy yet. She just crashed my house.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Yeah, she's crying again. That's what the reason.

[B]

Stupid.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I definitely feel like jokes have. You probably had things like that. But yeah, jokes and kind of be like that, where you're just like, whoa, this is perfect. And then you. You're like, no, it wasn't quite perfect. That's why. And you could never solve that last little, little part of it.

[B]

Do you have one where it, like, sticks out in your mind where you're like, this joke is the one it will kill. Solve comedy. And I'm going to present it. And the platinum joke.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, well, I'll tell you, I could.

[A]

I'll tell you that this is me teaching you about colonization, but.

[B]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

Thank you. For the record, I do not think this is going to be solving comedy. That's not my current opinion on what I'm about to say.

[D]

No, this is on record. Ryan Long says this is the best show joke ever written. He wrote it personally, the funniest joke.

[C]

Thank you, sir.

[D]

Ever written.

[B]

He compared it to colonization.

[C]

So I have achieved comedy.

[A]

Now that I'm done with comedy, you know, I gotta do something.

[D]

This is his retirement joke.

[C]

Next up is cancer, obviously.

[A]

Yes. Probably easier, actually. That's why I said that.

[D]

You sneaking Zinskies down there?

[A]

No, but I can get you one.

[D]

Oh, you got one. May I?

[A]

Yeah, buddy.

[D]

Oh, thank you. As the guest on the podcast.

[B]

Thank you so much, sir.

[D]

Oh, there's citrus, too.

[B]

I love you, sir.

[A]

Yeah, good flavors.

[B]

The 60s.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You ever done nines?

[B]

No, I'm not a. I haven't done.

[D]

They're illegal in Canadia.

[A]

Well, when. When I was in. I did. I did like, a Europe tour, and they had like 16s and these crazy numbers. And it's funny because you first do it, and you're just like. It's. You're like, this is insane. Why is anyone. And then by the fourth one, you're just like, pop. Like, your body adapts.

[D]

You start losing feeling in these three fingers.

[C]

But, yeah, I've seen the ones that, like, from. From Europe, where they have, like, the 50 milligram, like, Zims and shit.

[D]

Oh, yeah, man.

[C]

Wait. It's like, to me, I'm like, I would be immediately physically ill within, like, three minutes. There's no way.

[D]

Ryan was about to tell the funniest joke ever told.

[C]

Right? Ever.

[B]

Of all time.

[A]

I sort of. I pivoted out of telling the joke, and in an interesting way, I said, I'm going to do something else, but. Chase, pull up.

[B]

Funniest joke ever. Allow us going on.

[A]

Really set the tone for you. I said I was gonna teach you about colonization. Do you guys know about colonization? Do I have to teach you? Well. Cause I'm Irish, which is the original colony and the original terrorists, which you probably know about. But for your audience who doesn't know about colonization, back in the day, England used to go to all these other countries and improve them. And because they're asked for a few spices, nothing crazy, you know what I'm saying?

[C]

And actually asking for all the spices and using none of them.

[A]

Yeah, It'd be like your buddy coming to your house and clean the place, puts in a soda stream when he leaves, he's like, mind if I take some oregano? And you're like, what? But then, yeah, they used to try to help. They'd call these other countries. Be like, india, we have toilets now. They'd be like, we already told you, we're good. Click. They'd be like, australia, you guys need criminals. They'd be like, we don't. We already.

[C]

We don't need any.

[A]

Like, they're on their way, you know? Then England went. Trust me, they had plenty, but they needed more. And then England went to the Middle east and gave them the best present you could ever ask for, which is 85,000 Jews. And that's so much to thank you by the way, I Wish I had 85,000 Jews. Jamaica was jealous. They're like, we want Jews. They're like, you already have. Black people don't get greedy. And they said, once they become reggae stars, we're still gonna need a few Jews to manage them. And they said, the Jews can't help because they're busy sending over the black people. Now that is 20% historically accurate.

[C]

I'm going to tell my kids that was the trade triangle.

[A]

I hate that.

[B]

That is the viral clip that just happened, so let you know. That is the viral clip right there.

[C]

Hey, editor, when you clip that up into a short, please leave my face out of it. Thank you.

[A]

My brain, that just all floated away, is that not correct? Like right now? That's why America has to be the colonizer. And that's why America's running out of money. They're gonna have to start an onlyfans because if you think about it, you.

[C]

Tell me, we're carrying the baton for Britain.

[A]

Why do you think Britain has a mosque on every corner and putting people in jail for speech? Cause they're trying to disguise themselves as Muslim in hopes that someone colonizes them for a change. Because they're always the colonizer, never the colonized.

[C]

Well, you know, once we get Greenland, who knows?

[A]

That's what I said. I said, Trump's been spinning a wheel just to figure out which dictator he's gonna remove. He's like, green, Greenland, it's yellow. He's like, kim Jong Un's gonna get it. She says, color palettes or something. Yeah, brown. He goes, london.

[B]

You got your viral clipped off.

[C]

That was good.

[B]

Congratulations. That's a good. That's. Yeah, that'll kill here in San Antonio.

[D]

Made it a third of the way through that white claw and he finally opened up.

[A]

You bullied me into doing a joke.

[B]

Brandon. Brandon, Cody, call him the one word win.

[C]

AK50. I sense the disturbance in the force.

[A]

What's up?

[B]

How do you like those Turtle beach noise canceling headphones? They're the Stealth 700.

[C]

They're fantastic. The noise canceling is so good. All I hear is tinnitus.

[B]

Ah, God, these are comfortable.

[C]

They're really comfy.

[B]

Yeah, those are dope.

[C]

Turtle beach makes him range Ear pro.

[B]

You went junior. Actually, Cody actually like put those on.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

Dude, those are legit comfortable Turtle Beach. What you doing over there, girl? You make it some hot ass stuff.

[D]

I like your Squishies 3D spatial audio to improve your gaming. That will work really good in Tarkov. Hear people's footsteps and in pubg.

[C]

I can't wait to use a Turtle beach headset to listen for footsteps in Tarkov running the new AK50 while I get still killed from a wood line. Can't see what Eli? There's a global cabal that's working behind the scenes to control all media, banking, politicians. And that's why we should have never gone off the gold standard.

[D]

Hey, hold on, hold on. 80 hour battery life.

[C]

80 hour battery life.

[B]

Holy sh T. There's a lot of switches. Can't stress enough how comfortable these are. And if you've been in a long gaming session, which I'm sure all of us have, unfortunately, I wear adult diapers.

[D]

When I play World of Warcraft.

[C]

You should be euthanized. Ha.

[B]

Also controls headphones. Great. This game hard head to Turtle beach.

[C]

And use code unsub for 10% off your entire order.

[B]

That's 10% off your entire order. @turtlebeach.com with using code unsub after your.

[D]

Purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support Unsub and tell them where you got them.

[B]

Tell them unsub sends their regards. See, that's what's crazy is like a joke like, that will work in some areas and then it's not.

[A]

No, I don't. I'm in New York, dude. So my. To be honest, it's. For me, it's because I know. I know the question you're asking. For me, it's sort of the opposite where I'm like a. You know, like, I do better in. I'm like a city urban guy. You know what I mean? I'm from Toronto, then New York. Like, all my jokes are made there. Where sometimes in places like this, I feel a little more. I gotta change it a little.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

Yeah. It's not.

[C]

In what way? In what way do you change it? I guess.

[A]

Well, a lot of times you're you. The vibe of like. Okay, so in New York, people have like, things that they think that they agree with. I mean, it can go both ways. But like, let's say you were talking about gay people to people that are New Yorkers. That is different than talking about that to someone who maybe isn't even like about it.

[B]

Gotcha. They're not even open up to the jokes for it or even that community.

[A]

They don't even know what you're talking about.

[B]

That window.

[A]

Yeah, they're like, dude, sometimes I remember, like in Toronto I would talk about like Indian people. Cause like, dude, all like, my boys are Indian. And it was very, like, part of the culture.

[B]

You got Indian friends.

[A]

Yeah, I have Indian friends. And then you'd kind of. I remember even in, like, being in. You come to some places here, you'd be like, Indian, you know, Indian dudes like this. And they're just like. I guess, like, I'll take your word for it. Like, it's not that they're.

[D]

If they've never been to the Costco. Yeah.

[A]

They're not even, like, offended or not offended. They just don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

It's like, you know, like, you see all these New York comics come out here and talk about subways, and everyone's like, I don't know, Is that what happens on there? I don't take the subway.

[B]

It's a relatability to the joke. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So sometimes the pushback that you're like. The joke is built on, like, a certain amount of pushback that no longer exists. Then you're like, well, then what are we doing here?

[C]

That. And I wonder, like, do you have to, like, kind of adjust? Because I guess it's easier to be edgy in, like, LA and New York.

[A]

Yeah, it's a different type of. It's a different thing that's edgy because, like, a certain.

[C]

A certain element of comedy is like, okay, you're doing the thing you're not supposed to do. You're saying the thing you're not supposed to say, and that's what. But it's relatable so that, you know, I guess there's an element of comedy in that. Like, do you find it harder when you go to places that aren't so much in those spheres?

[A]

We just go the other way. They still have their things.

[B]

Oh, that's true.

[A]

I guess.

[C]

I guess that is true.

[A]

There's kind of different. Like, if you think of. There's more, like, Texas is a little more serious. Right. So Texas people, you know, where you go, well, I know what you mean, but I was kind of thinking, like, if you think of, like, Florida trash.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I was kind of in my mind, I was thinking, like, if you talk about, like, a Texas guy, but, like, why has guns? It's like, well, it's the Second Amendment, and there's kind of like a philosophy. If you talk to Florida, it's like, why do you have guns? Like, so someone doesn't steal my pills. You know what I mean?

[C]

In case I get serious about that ex wife.

[A]

It's like, you know, getting from, like, a Hooker at nascar. Like. Like, Florida trash is like a different type of. So there's.

[C]

There's a reason the Florida man vibe exists.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So Texas people are serious in the way that, you know, sometimes, you know, New York people are serious, but just about different topics, you know, Interesting. So you kind of go the other way. You know, like, maybe talking shit about God to certain people is obviously, like, in New York, that would be, like, the least edgy thing you could ever do, right?

[C]

They're like, yeah, that's what we all believe here. It's just like, oh, well, you know.

[A]

Like, you flip it. It's like, it's edgy to talk about probably a law in New York, and here you could probably say whatever about a law. But, like, if you go real hard on Jesus, people might be like, shut up.

[C]

But, well, and then there's the. The balance of, like, okay, how do you turn that into comedy? Because there's like, okay, there's offending people and then there's offending people in a funny way, you know, because, I mean, I. I feel like. I mean, I'm not really. Just.

[A]

Just on record, I'm explaining this as much as people think I am for.

[C]

The audience sake, not your sake. I'm not trying to teach you how to do comedy because God knows you know how to do it. But.

[B]

But.

[A]

No, but I'm like, no, but you actually are right. Like, there is. There is a difference between, like, the purpose of this was to, like, offend people. And then the other part of it is, like, the purpose for this was to get someone to be like, ah, that actually is good.

[C]

You know, I just had the.

[A]

We heard you.

[D]

Nine years of bring back the snack wrap, and you've won, but maybe you.

[C]

Should have asked for more. Say hello to the hot panty snack wrap. Now you've really won. Go to McDonald's and get it while you can. Moment of self awareness. I'm like, I don't want to come off like a mansplaining comedian. Tell the comedian how to do comedy.

[A]

Comedy's such a stupid thing to be an expert on. Because it is, obviously, but it's. If you're, like, an engineer and you're an expert, we don't all do a bit of engineering. You know what I mean? With comedy, you're like, I'm an expert comedy. Everyone's been joking around with their friends their whole life. So everyone also does this.

[D]

Well, I made a comment this morning to Brandon not to. To suck your.

[C]

But I. I was like, no, he's just.

[D]

He's got that natural inclination because there was a joke you made.

[A]

Thank you.

[D]

Where you were talking about. You were like, I've been getting pushed this targeted ad for a. An entirely female base. Not to up your own joke, but an entirely female based moving company. And then just very subtle ego. So, like a really moving company.

[A]

I was like, yeah, it's just.

[D]

Oh, just. You slid that right in. It's like, oh, that's perfect.

[A]

My algorithm right now. I've been saying this, but it's like, it's funny because I have like, just all disability shit. Like, it's. There's a guy that. No arms, no legs, he rolls around because they send you one. And then obviously you're looking, you're curious. Yeah, yeah. And then the algorithm's like, yo, that's your.

[C]

I love, like, my algorithms. Like, all right, now sea lions and yours, like, nah, paraplegics.

[A]

Just. It's my things that bring me joy. That's what happens. There's this one woman, she's got this no skin condition she's always posting about.

[D]

I had no skin.

[A]

I'm kind of doing a joke about her because she's. She posted. She was like, I went on this blind date with a guy and he was so surprised by my appearance. And I was like, yeah, I don't know if she'd be blind dating without skin. Like, bare minimum, on a blind date, I'm expecting skin. Like, I don't think that's things I.

[C]

Things I want my partner to bring to the table.

[A]

Pretty reasonable expectations.

[D]

Bare minimum, you go, that's kind of on you.

[C]

That'd be fucked.

[B]

Yeah, it's like a. I hate that skit so much. It cuts to them talking. That's hard cut back.

[A]

I guess. The real.

[B]

Yeah, the real piece of shit.

[C]

You got a little something on. Nevermind.

[A]

No, no. All right. Yeah, the real piece of shit's your buddy who set you up on that blind date. You come back, you're like, how'd it go? You, like, didn't have skin. Thought you might have mentioned that in the Rider.

[D]

Set me up with a fucking California raisin.

[B]

Lord Zod from Power Rangers.

[A]

But it is funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you just get like. Actually, I was. You ever getting, like, another, like, an algorithm for, like, Black Twitter or, you know, like some like, Muslim algorithm where. And you just like, realize, like, I don't know any of this shit.

[C]

Do you just go down those rabbit holes? As soon as you get exposed to it, you're just like, okay, I need to know more.

[D]

I'm going to like this one because.

[B]

It'S going to feed if you catch.

[A]

Me on the right time. I'm feeling sassy.

[D]

Mine's Spanish because I, I, I speak Spanish. I speak enough Spanish that I, like, I can read it and I can speak it conversationally, but like on reels, it's the same thing where I'll open up like a Spanish meme and it takes me longer to understand Spanish than it does English, obviously. So I'll open up an English or a meme in English and it's like, boom, flick. And I open up one in Spanish and it takes me twice as long to comprehend.

[A]

They're like, he loves this.

[D]

And then I will just have the most Mexican feed on Instagram a week and a half.

[C]

Well, that's the problem. Sometimes I'll fall asleep while like, doom scrolling or whatever. Like, I'll wake up in the middle of the night, check my notifications or whatever. One thing leads to another, I'll like, I'll open up my fucking, you know, feed and then I'll fall asleep on it. So, like, the algorithm says, like, my watch time is 100% dedicated to whatever the that was. I'm like, oh, great. Well, I know what my next three days looks like.

[B]

God, I love the algorithm. It just, it learns.

[A]

You ever reset it? That's. It takes balls.

[B]

I've.

[C]

How do you reset it?

[A]

I don't know either. Haven't looked. But my body did start a new account and he's been pushing it. Now he's like, yeah, you can reset your algorithms, dude. It goes stock settings.

[B]

It's terrifying because what happens, I had it will start presenting you your old stuff you used to watch when I started. Say, hi, that's a brand new. That's a brand new channel, everything. So I started watching content on that, bro. Did that not just start feeding videos I've already watched before? It's like, oh, I think you'd like this. I'm like, oh, and do you pretty quick. Yeah. Like in a couple days it was like, oh, you probably like this. I'm like, I've watched that video before. How did you know that?

[C]

There's also a difference too, between, like, if you go to your buddy's YouTube account, like, you're just like at your buddy's house and you pull up the smart tv, it's like, oh, okay. Well, this looks fairly similar to my feed, but like with a couple of my buddies, eclectic interests. When you go to like an Airbnb where somebody's still logged in. And you just like open that up and you're like, this is somebody who has no access to my circles. We have nothing in common. Yeah.

[A]

We're living in different worlds.

[C]

You look through their feed, it's like, oh my God. I'm just suddenly getting blasted by Mr. Beast and all this like, oh God, like, what's going on here?

[A]

Yeah, you're like someone. I guess I knew someone was watching him, but I've never seen him video on my feed.

[B]

Here we are different worlds.

[A]

I was kind of talking about this on, on stage before, but the like, they're, they're kind of setting up dudes because they only send you if you're a dude. Guaranteed the first thing they try is like hot chicks, right?

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

And then it. No matter what you're. You have to go boom, boom, boom. Or the algorithm is just like feeding you hot chicks. And then if any, like, if your chick looks at your. Like it's all hot chicks. And you're just like, I'm being set up. You know, like sad.

[B]

Knows mine looks. I. I look just autistic. And it's like cars, space.

[A]

Cars, dude.

[B]

Space.

[A]

You got cameras, space.

[C]

Well, cuz they won't recommend gun stuff anymore, so like that would. That's what my feed. Naturally, it used to be.

[A]

Holy shit. They don't recommend gun stuff?

[C]

No, no, it's been years. Years and years on YouTube.

[B]

Holy. I didn't even think about that. Yeah, even IG or anything will not recommend a, A single firearm. Even though that's our space.

[C]

Yeah. So now it's your space. Especially tits and cars. But like in reality, like 95 of what I actually consume is firearm stuff. And like my actual feed.

[A]

That's interesting. I never get it. Yeah, I definitely never get any firearm stuff. But you guys, sea lions and dogs and fire guns.

[C]

I'll spend a little bit more time here in Texas. We'll show you around.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I fired a gun once in my life. Life. And I was ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was kind of.

[B]

I like. Both times you said that you've done the.

[A]

Yeah, I shot a gun so. Like twice in my life. And then you did it again when you brought up.

[D]

Wait, in what. In what context?

[A]

I like went to the gun range.

[B]

Of the guy we're at.

[C]

We're at.

[A]

In Toronto. And honestly I was just kind of bored.

[B]

They had musk.

[C]

What is the Toronto gun range? An evidence locker.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Gunpowder.

[D]

Yeah, we busted out the daisies. It was pretty crazy.

[B]

Took three Minutes to load it.

[C]

You'll never believe it. My buddy shot his eye out.

[A]

There's a flag that says bang. And then some sparkles come out.

[B]

God, it took you shooting. If we would ever know, I would be like, here come.

[C]

Yeah, okay, we'll take, we'll take you out with some of my toys.

[A]

Yeah, that'd be cool with you guys. Yeah, but this one, when I went. He had, he did have a lot of guns. And I remember by gun four, and he was. I was like, okay, that was cool. And he was like, yeah, there's 12 more guns. And I was like, all right.

[B]

You say.

[D]

It was like you said a lot of guns or shotguns.

[B]

Cute. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

He had a brake barrel, 12 gauge.

[C]

How do.

[B]

Do you.

[A]

Do you think it's a city thing? A little bit. Cuz I was even. I don't know if this is funny, but like the idea of. Yeah, and I agree with, like, you don't want the government to tread on you, but like when you're on. When you're in the city and everyone's there and there's a guy like yelling and screaming on crack in the subway, you're like, the government could tread on that guy A little.

[C]

Yes. I. I wish, I wish the government would do 60ccs of tread on that guy. At the moment.

[A]

We got a bit of treading on that guy. At least just a needle that says tread.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Are you from Toronto?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, right outside.

[D]

So you've only ever lived in big cities?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And I've never. Yeah.

[D]

We started the conversation talking about Toronto. Like, it's like a little Podunk town in Canada.

[B]

It's a huge city.

[A]

I think it's third or fourth biggest metropolitan in North America because in my.

[C]

Understanding of Canada, like most of the population is like down toward the. The United States Canada border. And it's like mostly in like a pocket handful of cities.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, kind of. It's. Southern Ontario is like the big spot for sure.

[C]

It's like population in Canada is what, like 40?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Dang.

[D]

Toronto is south of Detroit, if I'm not mistaken.

[C]

Is it really?

[D]

Yeah. Latitude wise?

[A]

Yeah, kind of.

[C]

I guess that does track.

[A]

Don't put me on the spot with Joker.

[D]

If you go, you go up and.

[A]

Trying to make me look stupid.

[D]

Well, because you were talking about renting in New York. Yeah, I've seen like rent prices in Toronto are too.

[A]

Yeah. Toronto's high. Vancouver's the highest. Like, that's kind of like how Silicon.

[D]

Valley is still California of Canada.

[A]

But I said, yeah, I've said half the country wants to get rid of illegal immigrants and half the country wants to get rid of guns. And there's way too many of either to make a dent. And they have some similarities. When you see either on the subway, you say, no in your house. And I keep one in of each in my trunk for protection.

[D]

How often do you go back to the homeland?

[A]

A couple times a year. Everything. I mean, you guys are busy dudes, too, it seems like. You know, you have, like, multiple channels, you're touring. Like, everything that I say I'm gonna do, I do lots of, like. I have so many things. I'm like, I'm gonna go to Austin more. I'm gonna go to LA more. And then, oh, yeah, I'm gonna, like. I just. My list of things that I'm going to do is ever increasing. And none of. I do.

[C]

That was my. I think my New Year's resolution, like, two years ago was, oh, man, I really enjoyed that elk hunt me and Cody did. And, like, I'm gonna do more because I really love it. Yeah, that year I did zero hunting. It's like, well, all right, me, I.

[D]

Guess we find two whole days next to each other where I don't have shit going on.

[A]

Me and my boys went to Puerto Rico just like, me and, like, some of my, like, close friends from Toronto. And that was like, the first time in a little bit I've done just, like, a random. Went for five days. And you're just like, yeah, I left being like, we have to do this every weekend. And you're just like, maybe 20, 29.

[B]

Even Cody's bachelor party was so nice. It was so relaxing. And then within two days, everybody left early.

[A]

Yeah, it was like, I gotta get.

[D]

Home and get shit done.

[B]

Oh, God, I'm so behind right now off of this. Two days of being off.

[D]

Like, so first time I slept, I fell asleep in a fucking hammock. That was the most peaceful I've ever been in my entire life.

[C]

Like, five people who, like, are constantly, like, in this lifestyle. We're like, go, go, go, go. And then we had three days of off, just doing nothing, which was kind of weird. Like, no expectation of content, no expectation of any. I don't think we filmed a single thing.

[D]

No, nobody. Nobody was on their phone, which is.

[A]

Probably good because there's nothing worse than when you're just like, all right, I'm gonna chill. And then four guys are, like, making videos.

[D]

Oh, I would have been pissed.

[A]

We can't do one day.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

My body went. They went to the. I think it was the Yankees game. And he was just like, there's five. We went with five guys. And he was like. Three of the guys were filming like Instagram videos the whole time for the. And he's like, what are we doing? Yeah.

[B]

No influencers.

[A]

Yeah. But I mean it is out of control. But yeah. So I mean that's. As you get older, period. You got to really. I think that's why things like even, I mean, I know that you've made like a career out of it, which makes it different. But like all the stuff you're doing, like, it kind of is a reason to hang out with people. So you kind of systemize. I mean, comedy is a bit like that too. I tour with my boys and you're at the club with your boy. So you almost like, like need your life to already include, you know, your social stuff or it's hard to make it work.

[D]

Right.

[A]

Probably. I don't know, maybe there's a better way that I don't know about.

[C]

I mean, it makes sense. Like, especially when you have people with like similar interests, similar careers, whatever. Like you naturally gravitate toward each other.

[A]

Yeah. Cuz otherwise, I mean then otherwise you're just like, I never. Like everything is just in a. Like on a treadmill.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, and you're not learning from that, that at all.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now with it, do you learn more from when you bomb or when you do a good show?

[A]

Probably when you. Well, if you're working on a joke you want. When you. It does get. I don't know if learning is the right word, but yeah, probably learning more from your bomb. But it would be like anything. I would say there's depreciating returns, you know what I mean? Like, you wouldn't be just like, well, I've just been bombing for 10 weeks straight. I'm really learning. Yeah.

[C]

Every learn so hard. Nobody laughed last night.

[B]

I don't think you learned. If it's going on for two weeks.

[A]

From the map setup, just non stop learning for 15 years.

[C]

You're gonna look like Yakub with the Giant. I've learned so much.

[D]

So much. It's the worst comic ever.

[A]

Yeah. Your buddy has a good set. Taking a night off, I assume.

[D]

What do you consider like the life cycle for a joke? Like how, how long will you run?

[A]

It's, it's for people that are kind of like in the game where you're, you know, touring and then you want to come back to that Place with a new hour. It's like. It's different now than it was 10 years ago. It really is. Like, you put together this hour, you kind of. Over the course of year and a half to two years, you know, probably tops, and then you record it, and then you start again, which is. That's. That's the part that's torture, like, when you're talking about what sucks. What sucks is going and doing an hour where you're like maybe like eight minutes, and you're just, like, walking the plank when you don't have to. It's probably. I guess it would be like a fighter fighting with, like, his arms tied behind his back or something. You're just like, I could kill this guy. It's kind of.

[B]

That's.

[A]

That's the part that. That cyst cycle moves, like, fast right now because you kind of. That's the expectation. But you're like, oh, I have to. You want to put out specials. And then you. You also. You want to go back to a place with, like, a new, like, new act where they, you know, didn't just kind of see you do that already. So that cycle, like, that's the part that stinks. But, yeah, so the life cycle, depending on where it was in that, you know, maximum two years.

[C]

Because I guess that's the interesting part about comedy now, like, outside looking in, is that so many people record, like, you know, their best. Everybody wants to do, like, a good reel or a good short or something like that. And you take some of your best material because you want to put your best foot forward, but you're also robbing yourself your best jokes.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

For a live show. So, like, where do you find that balance?

[A]

Well, sometimes you can put it out, like, at the beginning, and then it kind of keeps getting better, and then you're almost putting it out at the end, too. I have noticed that people care less than you think. You know, where I'll kind of, you know, you toil over, like, should I.

[C]

You know, it's about reusing.

[D]

They want to hear the greatest hits type shit.

[A]

Yeah. You start. You kind of.

[B]

Of.

[A]

You do think a little bit more than other people do, where it's like, well, if I burn this, then it's done, and it's obviously the best joke in the world, so how could I do. And then, you know, you kind of put it out, and then I put it on my special, and, like, no one says anything.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, look at the donkey story.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that. We've repeated that one for every I mean, since the second tour started, we've done that same joke. The only time we actually were feel. And it's an actual good question.

[A]

You don't want to tell it a third time?

[D]

No, it's not.

[C]

We can explain it a little bit. Like our buddy Zach, like, veteran with signs telling a story essentially about. Forgive me, YouTube audience.

[A]

Basically, sorry for making them do that.

[C]

A deployment to Afghanistan where him and his buddies are watching a bunch of potential insurgents sodomize a donkey.

[D]

And we.

[C]

We acted out live on stage, which is like, it's. It's a.

[A]

You guys go in the two man donkey costume.

[B]

No, thank God.

[C]

We.

[B]

We don't. But poor Richard. Angry is the donkey every time. So we have that story.

[C]

It's pretty aggressive. It's pretty aggressive, but it's still funny.

[B]

Yeah, people love it. But when we did the Iowa show, we did a show back to back.

[A]

And some of the people stayed for both.

[B]

40%. So we changed. So we changed in literally everything. We were also shit wrecked. It was 100%. We were drunk as at that point. So the second. Second show changed completely. And you get to see that interaction. Oh, man, I thought you would do the same set over. This is a completely new set. And then it's like, oh, no.

[A]

And they would have been fine with it. You think?

[B]

We don't know. They love the second. They love the.

[A]

In your own head, dude. I'll say. I try to.

[B]

Well, no, I told the guys there it was like, first or second show? Because we were so shit wrecked. And I was like, second show killed more, I believe. And then we started asking the audience, like, second show was.

[C]

We just took your word for it.

[B]

Yeah, dude, the second show, like, everyone, like even Jake and everyone that was there on our side, they're like, holy, you guys killed that second set. And it was drunk. Not giving a. Oh, we got to put on something new for the audience. Oh, it worked. Have you done that in comedy where you have to do a back to back show?

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I mean, in the city, I'll be like talking to the. The. If I do a club and they're like, oh, yeah, we're going to have the same audience day. I'm just. Just like, can you not?

[B]

That's why I like that.

[A]

Tell him to beat it. Like, what are we doing here?

[B]

How does that go?

[A]

I wouldn't do it. I would. If I.

[B]

You're like, no, off.

[A]

No. I mean, if I was in the city and I'm like, hey. I'm like, I've been Raining all day. I have this like new thing I'm like working on. And then I was like, okay, I'm gonna do these two shows at this place. And they're like, oh, most of the audience is staying. I be just like, okay, I'm leaving to go somewhere else. Because I'm like, well, there's no point, okay. At my audience. Like if I'm doing my hour. Like, no, I don't have a background hour that I'm doing right now.

[C]

That was crazy.

[B]

Backup hour.

[D]

That was my question. So you're obviously your special is an hour. Do you like, do you do an hour every time or is it like, oh, every time. You're never like, oh, let me pop up for 10 minutes.

[A]

Oh, in the city? Yeah, yeah, city's 10.

[D]

When you say the city, do you mean New York City?

[A]

Any city? Like there's. I mean any city that has like a.

[B]

Where you're not headlining.

[A]

Yeah, non headliner clubs. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Okay. For example, tonight in San Antonio, you're going to do an hour.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, fuck.

[A]

Or more like, yeah, hour.

[C]

No shit. Yeah, okay. God. Yeah. See that's so intimidating to me, like to stand up in front of an audience just to see a people and just if you bomb 15 minutes in.

[A]

Okay, but know how you said you have that like one story that you say works every time, right?

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Okay, now imagine you had 85 of those. Now be intimidating like. Or now you'd be like, well, no, I have these 85 things that I.

[C]

Say that like work at least in my mind. And I know that's something that like you said that there's a, there's a bid, you know, the learning curve's fucking crazy. Once you get good at it, you're good at it. But like, at least to me, because I don't have people to, to bounce stuff off of. That would be very intimidating to me.

[A]

Yeah. You know, one of the hardest things right now probably period is people that are trying to put together like a live performance while they're like popular and running their business. Because it's like it almost requires seven years or five to seven years of like this is all that I didn't thought about, you know, but that's, that's to be like a stand up, to be competent, where you're like doing your live performance with your boys and what's funny and we add stuff like, you know, that's maybe not, that's not that, you know, to be fair, I think.

[C]

I feel like that's probably proficiency in anything Though, you know, you've got to just dedicate so much time to it, because especially, like, how many people start out in comedy versus how many people succeed in comedy.

[A]

Okay, but the reason I. Like, I'm not even trying to put comedy higher, but I describe it as if you think of if you were a really, really good football player. Runner, right? And you started playing basketball, and you're like, you know, 15 years old. You start probably in two years, you're gonna be pretty good. Like, if you're the best football player, right? You go stand up's more like you started playing hockey. You're like, we can't skate. You know, so if you're, like, the best football player, you were a track star, and you start playing basketball, it's pretty likely in a couple years, you're also gonna be really good at basketball.

[C]

So that's why so many Canadians.

[A]

You're not gonna be that good in two years.

[C]

Yeah, that's why so many Canadians are comedians.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of Canadian comedians. The reason, Doc, you know?

[C]

Yeah, see, now that makes sense. All right, I get it.

[A]

Basically, all you gotta know is that mic is like a puck. You know, you're just trying to put it in the. Put it in the other end of the night and just get fucking two points up on the scoreboard and have a good time out there, boys.

[C]

Yeah, well, no need to get gay about it, but.

[A]

You don't need to get all hockey. Have you seen the new hockey show? Heated rivalry. You guys haven't seen that?

[C]

No.

[A]

Know it's a number one show right now.

[B]

You're talking two Mexicans.

[A]

It's not hitting your algorithm.

[D]

The only Canadian show I'm aware of is Kenny versus Spenny.

[A]

Ah, those guys are good. I'm friends with Kenny. Hots. Yeah. No, Toronto guy. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. Hell, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Neither of them knows.

[A]

Legendary show.

[D]

I'm talking about. Great Canadian show.

[A]

Well, hockey's getting sort of popular in America, but this was. This isn't a show that's popular in America, but it's funny because it's a hockey show, and it's essentially the two stars of each team are in, like, a gay relationship. And it's popular. Not with hockey fans.

[C]

I can't imagine why.

[A]

It's literally like, Sidney Krasny Novechin are, like, fucking after the game. It's a hilarious show.

[B]

Great Canada show.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Making it the second gayest show next to actual hockey.

[A]

But, yeah, it's, like, kind of a hit, and it's sort of, you know, I guess girls like it or something.

[B]

It's just taking off right now. I've never heard of this show.

[A]

Oh, it's so funny. But I mean, I'm kind of saying inside hockey stuff, but I'm not the biggest talking about hockey guy. But you guys have made me feel like I am. Yeah, you know, I never heard it.

[D]

Brought up ever before. Aside from Canadians.

[A]

All right, fine, fair enough. I feel like I know New York guys that are into hockey. Like the Rangers, people are always going.

[B]

Sounds like a very white guy.

[D]

Yeah, it's cold as.

[B]

You'Re sitting next to two Mexicans.

[A]

What are you, like baseball or something?

[D]

How about them Blue Jays then, huh?

[C]

Now, me and Eli had stickball.

[B]

Stickball.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Soccer with no shoes.

[B]

Mowing yards.

[A]

Yeah, mowing yards.

[D]

Olympics.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Our favorite sport was paying rent.

[A]

Are you Mexican too?

[C]

Yeah, a little bit.

[B]

Okay, who'd you think he was?

[A]

Well, I thought like, I guess a Spanish, some type of Spanish. So like that's sort of Mexican, right?

[C]

Right, yeah, got some German, mostly Hispanic. And then I've got that Lebanese nose that gets me stopped at airports.

[A]

A little Middle Eastern. Yeah, the midsection of the face.

[C]

The midsection of the face, it's like, ah, excuse me, sir. You look randomly selected.

[D]

It's my professional racism. One of the first times I met Brandon, I, I, I, I go, you got a little Lebanese nose. You're part Lebanese.

[A]

You nailed it.

[C]

Yeah, he did immediately.

[D]

Very good at being racist.

[C]

I was like, who told you?

[D]

Like, that's like. No, I saw it in your bone structure.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

Now it's just broken. Thanks, Eli.

[A]

So you got everything? Lebanese, Mexican and what'd you say? German?

[C]

Yeah, German. My, My great grandmother was actually a World War II civilization Civilian in Germany. So she grew up in Mannheim. She was actually a former podcast guest.

[A]

Is that what she told you? Civilian.

[C]

Civilian.

[B]

She was there at the parades.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Brandon's like, I. Oh, the song. Talk. Tell the story about the song.

[C]

Okay, so I love my Oma to death. She's 92 years old now. She genuinely grew up in a German city like during World War II. And that's amazing story. It's like just an amazing woman and just telling like that that entire time period in history. But I fucked with her one time and I feel kind of bad about this. I started playing what we. I took her on like an eight hour road trip down to Orlando, Florida, so meeting up with some more family members of mine. So I grabbed her, we drove down. We're like four or Five hours into the road trip, it's just me and her. And then I played that. It's like a German marching song from World War II. It's called Erica.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, everybody knows it as like. It's like the German song from World War II. Just to see. Because I've, you know, phones on the ox core. I'm like, I'm curious to see how you respond to this. She started singing the words in fluent German.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[C]

And then she told me a story I had never heard. And I'm like, so glad I did it because I was just with her a little bit. I'm like, ah, curious. She started singing along. She said, I used to sing this song when I was a kid because her name is Erica. And she said that she's like, I would watch the gis. It was just the word that she knew, soldiers, whatever, marching down the street. Like, I would watch the GIs. They'd march by singing the song. And every time they said Erica, I would say, that's me. She's like nine years old.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

But yeah, no, just a street full of Nazi, you know, World War II German soldiers walking by.

[A]

Wild.

[C]

It's just crazy to hear the experience of somebody like growing up in that time period and just. I mean, God, the thing she had.

[B]

To go through was crazy and bad.

[A]

Yeah. My actual great grandfather fought in World War I for Canada.

[C]

No. Oh, dude.

[A]

The world One Canadian to the other side.

[D]

The World War I Canadians went crazy.

[C]

The Canadians in World War I like, were the reason some of the rules of warfare were written.

[A]

Really? Oh, yeah.

[D]

You guys were rough.

[C]

You guys were gnarly.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

I didn't know that. Wait, what, what was he up to over there?

[D]

Oh, they were cleaning up trenches.

[B]

Were they using all the fun gases?

[D]

So the Germans or. Yeah, the Germans were in their trenches and they were like, oh, we all have to follow the rules of war. And the Canadians showed up and they were like, like, what are rules of war?

[A]

Cuz at this point it was probably a bunch of like trash Irish people too.

[D]

Yeah. Just showed up. Welcome to Canada. What was the. I know there's a story about the grenades.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

About like how they would talk and this. I don't know if this is real or not. They were tossing over food.

[D]

The food cans.

[C]

They were tossing over cans of food in the enemy trenches. And so they'd all like bunch on. Cuz they're all starving.

[A]

Yeah, they just.

[C]

Oh, okay, cool.

[D]

Like the Canadians from their trenches were chucking over cans of food. Food over to the German lines. Over and over and over again. So the Germans would all bunch up because they're starving.

[B]

Pavlo's dog.

[D]

Yeah. And then day six, they chuck over a can of food with a fucking grenade and all the Germans and a.

[C]

Bunch of hand grenades.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Team up. That's not part of the Geneva Convention. Eh, Not.

[D]

Well, it was prior to.

[B]

Also think you are in this time period without the age of information. And then they're trying to pitch this rules of war where people are trying.

[A]

Telephoning a rule of war tag.

[B]

And then it's like, no, dude, you no, you have to kill him the right way. Are you fucking with me in the right. You're with me.

[C]

In the words of Patrick Swayze from the 1984 Red Dawn, Geneva, I ain't never heard of it.

[B]

It's the hardest shit to wrap your mind around, Especially in that time frame. I would have done the same. It's like, oh, we'll just fucking throw.

[A]

You're just like, I found a good way to kill some people. Yeah.

[C]

I don't know how to tell you.

[B]

This, but tunicant grenade.

[C]

A lot of people thought the same thing after the Geneva Convention and did that.

[D]

It still is going, yeah, the Aussies in. Where'd they fight? It was a big battle in the Mediterranean. World War I. Yeah. The Aussies were in.

[C]

We were just talking about it the other night.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

It wasn't Gallipoli.

[C]

Somebody you talking about the Swiss Alps?

[D]

No. Well, that's a different story. But in the battle of Gallipoli. And comments will correct me because I'm wrong, but they were, they were dropping cigarettes with leaflets and they were like, you know, surrender to the Brits. This is a battle, it's not worth fighting for. You shouldn't be dying for your government, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And the Ottomans were like, oh, free cigarettes. And they did that over and over and over and over again for like six weeks over the course of this entire, you know, long term campaign. So it's like six weeks in and boom, here comes the package. And everybody's like, oh, here are the fucking British propaganda cigarettes again. They had laced them with opium. So all the Ottomans smoked these cigarettes and were like, I'm really fucking sleepy. I'm just gonna take a fucking nap. Went to bed. And I think it was, it was either the Brits or the Aussies just like rolled over the front lines and everybody was asleep.

[C]

Sleep.

[D]

And they captured like 60,000 soldiers.

[C]

Plot twist. It made them Impossible to bayonet. They won't die.

[D]

Damn it. Yeah, that's fine. Man, it's wild.

[B]

Yeah, the warfare is so wild.

[C]

I mean, you know, the. The whole thing about the, like, the.

[A]

What are some of the war crimes you did? I'm here on a job site with Tim, who owns his own electrical contracting business.

[C]

Three employees and two work trucks.

[A]

Tim traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance. We're positively here where he needs us most.

[C]

They sure are.

[A]

With step by step help on all his insurance needs, all for shockingly low rates. Shockingly low, huh? Just a little bit of electrician humor.

[D]

Do you get it?

[B]

I got it.

[A]

You know, it feels like we have a real connection. All right, I'll stop, get a commercial auto insurance quote [e-mail] and see how.

[B]

Much you could save.

[C]

It feels good to Geico.

[D]

He's told those stories before. Allegedly.

[C]

They've all been cut from the podcast. Well, you know, like, the whole, like, drip rifle stuff, right? No, I think that was also the Australians.

[D]

But that was the Australians at Gallipoli with the piss cans.

[C]

Yeah. Where they would just. Basically, they. They were trying to retreat, and so they were trying to, like, show that they were still there on the front lines, like, occasionally taking pop shots while they withdrew all of their troops. And so they had set up rifles with. Well, they had like, a. Like, essentially a water bottle with a can below it that they would have a steady drip stream going, and when it got heavy enough from dripping, it would pull the trigger of the rifle. So, like, sporadically throughout the night, they had a couple hundred rifles that were just firing off shots.

[D]

They had retreated while they leave it while they're pulling their guys out. Smart. They all pissed in oil cans. Yeah.

[B]

That's fucking wild. See, I don't even know that story.

[C]

This is all stuff that Nick could tell better.

[D]

No, but he's got to be an Iowa. Nick's in Iowa. Let me open up my notes for YouTube videos. Tell this exact ideas I stole from Nick. Type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type, type.

[A]

Yeah. When I grew up, I knew one guy that, like, joined the army in my entire life. Isn't that, like, crazy, the difference, Like, I would imagine you guys probably knew a bunch, right?

[B]

I mean, three people at the podcast. Guest are. Yeah, exactly. Veterans or did something with, like, one.

[A]

Guy that I went to high school with. That out of all of my extended network, I knew one guy that went and joined the Army.

[B]

That's wild to me.

[C]

I guess it. It greatly depends on where you Grew up. Like, I grew up Fort Bragg.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So, like, everybody. Like, all my friends. Dads were all like, you know, Green Berets or, you know, Rangers or whatever, so.

[B]

But you're also in the us like, how much of. How much do we spend on the military each year?

[C]

A good bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a good career path once you get.

[A]

Some people used to say that, like, the. The one. Actually, one guy my brother knew, he was like, I went there. But the. I think a lot of times that the Canadian army would go, like, train the Taliban or. No, train the Afghanistan people to then just go get the shit. Kicked out by the Taliban.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They would spend, like, three years training them, and then they would just run out there.

[C]

We never did that either.

[B]

Yeah, we never trained the AA or the ia.

[A]

Did you do training?

[C]

Oh, no, no. I was never in. I was just talking about the American.

[B]

Like, was it a IA and then AA? So you have the IA's Iraqi army, AA's Afghan army.

[A]

But it's interesting. You're just like. A lot of times you're just like the army, and you're just training. You're supposed to train them. You're training, like, a guy that was, you know, was a cashier two years ago.

[B]

Yeah. And you're training these individuals that have. Have you think, okay, what is the dumbest private I have? And how hard was it to train him with weapons or anything?

[D]

The jumping jack footage to go to.

[B]

Is, okay, now I need you guys to do this. 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, four. Crazy. We're doing that. And you get to watch the struggle of their life. And then now it's like, oh, I have to leave these. These individuals into combat.

[C]

Have you seen an Afghan army story? Oh, the.

[B]

The ISIS monkey bar is talking about. He's like, dude, there were flip flops. They're posting their videos of them on monkey bars. Like, they're the kings of the combat.

[A]

I want to with them.

[B]

They're terrifying.

[A]

Yeah. You're thinking like a bunch of random farmers, and you're just like, want to be a militia? And they're like, I guess we have no choice.

[B]

And you're doing the best you can with it. And then you see how much they hate each other, and you're like, oh, oh, okay, well, more crimes. We weren't even gonna. Okay, you guys are gonna do that on your own.

[A]

Did you.

[C]

Did you guys see stuff like that where you're just like, you can't do anything?

[B]

A lot of that stuff is against, like, you were like, hey, okay, hey. We just did this ambush. We have these individuals alive, and we need you to arrest them and do whatever you're going to do. Do. And then you see fear enter the guys we arrested. Eyes because they're like, fuck, they're super.

[A]

The Americans play by the rules more.

[B]

We are. Yeah, exactly. It's like, those guys are just going to kill us. There is no. They're not going to interrogate and they're going to let us out. All that's gone now.

[C]

I guess it's kind of like World War II Germany, where it's like, oh, well, you can surrender to the Americans or you can surrender to the Russians.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

It's like, guess which one you want to surrender to.

[B]

And that's what was happening. A lot of times it's like, okay, cool. Hey, IPs. Even the Iraqi police, like, hey, we got these guys. We run them up. Fucking take care, do whatever you want. It's like, okay. They're excited. And then you see fear. We're not getting arrested by you guys. It's like, oh, no, we don't give a fuck like you, man. We're letting you all internally handle this family business. Yeah, it's just like, mister, mister. No, no. They're not good guys, homie. You're just trying to kill us. I don't think anyone.

[C]

Was there, like, some animosity on that where you're just like, no, no. You were just shooting at my boys, like, off. I don't care what happens.

[B]

We didn't even look at, like, at that time. It's just so ingrained, like, getting shot. It was no big deal as long as you didn't hit one of us. It's like, when you hit one of us. I got again, you're in so many gunfights. Like, you do not give, again, a good fight. You shot him. I don't give A. Like, your Team B. I'm Team A. Team P lost. No animosity. It was nothing past that. And it's like, now we're handing you to Team C. Have fun.

[D]

But if.

[B]

Well, Team C is gonna probably kill you because they said they're not going to. But, hey, we're just handing it off. That's literally how that is over there.

[C]

Yeah. Team C signed the paperwork. They're not gonna fucking murder you.

[A]

So.

[C]

No, we're good.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Or you're dropping off Team B back where like, the most we would do is, okay, hey, we grabbed a bad guy. We interrogated. There was no proof or Anything? We found wires, we found copper. We found anything that's not like, actual warheads. Okay, well, just drop them back off and you just drive them, you escort them, and then you're really kind when you drop them off to their neighborhood. Dude, thank you so much. Here's some water. Appreciate everything you've done. Now, what does everyone that views that interaction look like?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, so you just talked.

[B]

Yeah. Even though we didn't do anything, we just handed water and said, hey, thank you for everything thing.

[C]

Thank you for supporting the American troops.

[B]

And now I don't know what happened. Like, that's it. You follow the rules, though. We really get at following the rules. War is weird. It's the best way you can do.

[A]

You look back at being in the army, like, that was kind of fun or like, not. I don't know if fun's the right word, like fondly or do you look back being like, that was.

[B]

Well, dude, Dakota was the best example when he was on because he. He got it instant. He's like, man, indie, individual. That was like, oh, I miss the gunfights. I don't miss all that. You probably weren't in a lot of gunfights. The second you're in a gunfight, that's an instant. Oh, this is not as much fun as you would think it is. This sucks.

[C]

Actually.

[B]

This is what I thought. Jumping out of helicopters, jumping out of planes, getting into gunfights, war would be an amazing thing. It's an experience everyone should have. Goes out the window after, like, round one gets close to you.

[C]

Like, turns out when you leave the two minute highlight reel, it's getting together.

[B]

And especially when it's like, hey, you're getting shot at. Now you have to run towards said gunfire.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And you're like, why, we could stay in this vehicle. It's protecting it pretty well. It's just pinging off of it. No, you're dropping ramps and you're running towards it.

[C]

But I mean.

[B]

Oh, we're going now. Okay, let's do this thing.

[C]

I guess what he's hitting at that I don't think I've ever even asked you, as a friend, is what's the element of the army or being deployed that you miss the most? I know there's the camaraderie aspect of.

[B]

It, but it's protecting your own. It's being there for your friends. That level of friendship, brotherhood you will never find anywhere else because these are individuals that will lay down their life.

[D]

Related to the fact that you're Potentially going to die at any moment.

[B]

Yeah. And it's. I would put my life in front of my own for my. But that is very hard to have anywhere else. It's why I get along like you guys get to see those guys. Eli Crane, or how fast we just get along. And that's why it's that, oh, you've done that same. You've had that same experience. You put your life. You gave two shits about yours because you cared more about the people next to your left.

[C]

You may not have been in my trench, but you were in a trench.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why I always find Gibbs from NCIS always has a special bond with other military men.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you. That's a great.

[D]

Welcome to the comedy podcast. Unsubscribe the comedy podcast. Probably the most featuring comedian Ryan Long.

[C]

It's probably the most comedy oriented oriented podcast we've had in a while. Even though it's technically a comedy podcast.

[B]

You just hit it with us.

[A]

Ryan, tell us a story about the time you were shot at Mean streets of Ajax, Ontario, man.

[D]

Well, you are from Toronto.

[A]

They did have. My high school did have. There was a bunch of shootings in the front, so you have to do metal detectors. And we had a bunch of bullet holes in our front door for a while.

[B]

You had Mexicans?

[A]

I'll tell you one.

[D]

No, the other kind.

[A]

Oh, yeah. You think Mexicans walked all the way up to Toronto, Canada? They got to Los Angeles, said, probably take a nap.

[B]

East cold.

[A]

They don't even make it up to New York usually.

[C]

So I just kept on walking past the southern border.

[A]

You think they Forrest Gumped up to New York? There was a. There was a guy at my school that held up a teacher at gunpoint, but he was like, kind of a guy we were friends with. And we used to have these notes you could write to get people out of school. Like a doctor's notes we stole. And my boy there's in the band, actually.

[B]

He.

[A]

He wrote this guy a note to get him out of school that he then used to hold up the teacher. And then there was a. The helicopter chase to this guy and then got him in his house. And then they eventually arrested him. I got in jail forever.

[D]

But he was in your band?

[A]

No, no, the guy who was in my band was my boy. Oh, he had to give him the notes. Yeah. But the guy who did it was kind of like a buddy. Yeah, like loose. Not like in the squad, but he.

[C]

Was like six degrees from Kevin Bacon.

[A]

Put it this way. He. We knew him enough to have. He had a nickname.

[B]

What did he tell the teacher?

[A]

No, he came to the T. He went to some other teacher, got a. Had a note that I'm not in school. And then for some reason went to. We had these things called portables, which are these little, like outside of the school, like little fake classrooms. And then went. Took another teacher, was like, I wanted some money. And like.

[C]

Like a double wide or like.

[D]

Was it like a trailer type thing?

[A]

They kind of are like trailers, but they're not on wheels. Yeah, it's called a portable, but it would be, I guess, if you went to like a manufacturer. You know, when you see in Africa and they have like a little schoolhouse, we have like outside of our school, they need to expand the school. They don't have enough room. So they have like 40 of these, like little mini schools for poverty. Just CU. They don't have any more room.

[C]

You know what I mean?

[A]

But that's what they make the, you know, they add these things.

[B]

They have more room. But I'm sure you have a version. Yeah, poor neighborhood. That's a. I won't stand this up. We'll call it this.

[A]

These things are pretty normal. I don't know, I guess you probably have a different name for them. You never have that. Like where there's. You have your school and then they have a bunch of like, little outside.

[C]

Oh, yeah, no, I spent second grade in a single wide. Yeah, single wide.

[A]

Okay. That's what you call it.

[D]

Trailers outside.

[C]

What's up?

[B]

You were homeschooled last three years. Oh, really?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, just. Just the last three years.

[A]

My mom.

[C]

I was like my parents. But like, mostly it's like they get like a. Like a curriculum. Like you, You. You'll buy a curriculum where, like, that's where I learned. Like, instead of going to the public school, I like, did three years homeschooling. So I learned like speech and debate. I learned, you know, finance. I learned business and a bunch of other things. Instead of learning what I'd learned in public school, which is that I was gay.

[A]

You had to learn that in the real world.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. Right. That was hard earned is what that was.

[D]

Say, correct me if I'm wrong, Ryan, but Toronto is like the Chicago of Canada, is it not?

[A]

Not like in terms of. It's pretty dangerous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fairly dangerous. Yeah.

[D]

It's expensive.

[A]

It takes a certain type of guy. I'm like that, though. Oh, shut the up. I'm that guy, though. You know what I'm saying? Type. So. Depends who you are. Obviously you'd have trouble there, but you know what I'm saying?

[D]

Well, it's Canada crime. It doesn't count.

[A]

Yeah, I was getting. I was getting.

[C]

Hey, like, maybe don't do that, eh?

[B]

All right.

[D]

Hey, buddy.

[A]

Yeah, there's def. I think. I think after I left, like, carjackings, where they went real light on carjacking, so it was just like everyone was getting stolen. Kind of the craziest thing. I don't know if you've ever heard, like, the accent that, like, the people have in Toronto were like, y' all. For real? No, this weird kind of like gangster accent, but no, I have no idea. Accent, Toronto accent, big on tick tock.

[B]

Look at it.

[D]

It's cute as hell. It's so cute.

[A]

Yeah, you know, huge. I knew someone would know it.

[C]

It's like.

[A]

It got popular, you know what I mean?

[C]

Could you try to do the best representation of it?

[A]

I can do a good. Yo, honestly, dog. Yo, for real, yo. Men's is actually crazy, yo.

[D]

Croty.

[A]

Don't talk to me like that, eh? If that's what it is, that's pretty good. So this dude, like, held up kind of like an old woman and shot her for her car because she ended up some. Something happened. He shot her, and then he was on the run, and then he was making TikTok videos, being like, yo, I didn't even want it to go down like that. Hey, yo, I'm kind of mad that I shot that old lady still, but.

[C]

Are you shitting me?

[D]

No.

[A]

This is, like, four months ago.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

You sound like a Mexican Canadian.

[A]

It's a mix of, like, Jamaican and whatever else.

[C]

But wait, they banned handgun sales in Canada? How does that. How's that possible?

[A]

You see, how do the criminals get guns if they're illegal?

[C]

That's crazy.

[D]

No one knows. No one knows.

[C]

This should. This should be studied.

[A]

Excuse me. You're not even supposed to have that, actually. That's against the law.

[D]

That's illegal. And I think you'll know that it's actually very impolite for you to have that handgun here.

[C]

Yeah, I don't mean to be that guy, but if you, like, just. If you walk away, like, I won't tell the. The Mounties that you got that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, we can both walk away, but yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So I don't know.

[A]

Yeah. When they're stealing that car, I didn't. You don't point out, like, buddy, I mean, you're the one that's in trouble. I mean, we Both got problems because I don't know if you read the charter, but that you're. You're in some hot water there, pal.

[B]

Just turn it up. Oh, my God.

[C]

The. The British cops, like, stop or y'. All. I'll yell stop again.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I've. New York feels a little more dangerous than Toronto's probably. Like, only certain areas. New York feels a little wilder. Like, if you're on subways in New York, it feels wilder than.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. You feel like there's just not enough, like, oversight.

[A]

Like.

[C]

Like, just. Are people overseeing, like, the crime stuff or like, there's more. More law enforcement in Toronto or.

[A]

Just in my New York outside of my. I lived in the East Village, and there would be a fight outside there every day while you're trying to sleep. And then this is, like, during COVID I remember people would just start setting up shop. They had, like, tents and stuff like that. Then the guy who was the bodega guy would get in, like, a fight with them and then rip down their tents and they'd get in a fight. And then I remember winning on. I went on tour and came back, and there's, like, a big blood spot because someone got, like, murdered, like, right in the.

[C]

You're.

[D]

God.

[A]

Yeah. It's just, like, crazy shit. You know, there's always people. And then there'd be like. There'd be kind of, like regulars that were, you know. This guy, he had, like, no shirt on. Kind of like jacked black dude, but, like, not from working out, just jacked. Because he built like that, you know, and then had, like, scars all over his face and his back. And, like, some. One day you'd see him and he'd be like, oh, what's up?

[C]

How you doing?

[A]

And then the next day you'd see him and he'd be like. Like, you know, like, you know, like.

[D]

Somebody gave him $20.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Oh, God.

[C]

It's like the. The forbidden. Like. Like, seesaw horse or whatever outside of the fucking H E B. Yeah. It's like, oh, shit. You put 25 cents in the machine. Now it's high.

[A]

I remember the first time I got there at a comedy show with this guy, Casey Aurora, who's my body.

[B]

He.

[A]

I've been in New York for 48 hours, and I was doing a show at this place that doesn't exist. LOL Comedy Club. And then he went on stage. Someone in the audience started, like, yelling at him, like, you know, heckling him, being like, shut up. And he was like, what the. He wants you. Shut up. And then he gets on stage, tries to, like, start fight. Casey, Aurora, the bouncer comes in. Huge dude starts trying to grab him. And then he punches the bouncer. Big brawl. The woman's involved. And then this goes on for a good, like, six minutes. Huge fight. They stop.

[C]

Six minutes is crazy.

[A]

Crazy. They stop the show. And then police come. Everything. And this is like. I'm like, so this is New York comedy, huh? New York comedy is crazy. And. But I never seen that again. But that was like, the first day I was there. But you see, I don't know, just cities are. It just kind of becomes like, normal, I guess. But you just know, like, if someone's on the subway, like, wild, you're like, get to the. I just move to the next card. I'm not trying to get involved.

[C]

So that actually reminded me a little bit of, like, the Bill Burr getting confrontational in, like, Philly, I think is like, the famous example.

[A]

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Is there a comedian that you kind of look up to that you're just like, off? Like, I love the way they handle shit like that. Especially when it comes to, like, hecklers.

[A]

I don't know about, like, the number one. Heck, the number one heckler guy. Guys are probably the, like, one liner. The guys who have the most one liners.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like, like, you know, David Tell is. He's kind of a guy that, like, everyone loves in New York.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

And he's. He's like pretty, Pretty, pretty famous guy. But he's kind of like, imagine, I think a lot of people. Yeah. Comedy seller guy. He's super funny. Yeah, you know, he is. But they have like, the guys who have the most, like, one liners, and they've been doing it for a long time. I feel like anything that happens, they have like a line, the banger lines for it, you know, because they're just like, you know, if it comes to the point where you've been doing long enough, you're like, oh, I have a line for, like, every situation and everything.

[C]

You got a little book.

[A]

You're like, yeah, your mind is a book. You know, you're like, red shirt. I have a red shirt. You know, kind of becomes that. But I don't have a specific favorite heckler comic. I think Lou's probably still the best comedian alive. Probably. That's what I think. Yeah.

[C]

I like a lot of his stuff.

[B]

Love.

[A]

There's a guy in Austin who. His name's Kur Metzger. Do you know Kermetzker?

[D]

Name sounds very familiar.

[A]

He actually, he's on the Jimmy Door show. But I always thought he was. He was one of the first people that I saw that I thought was like, doing comedy, like a different way, that I was like, oh, that's cool. Like, you can just kind of. Because I remember when you. When you first started, you kind of. Everyone just, you know, you kind of. There's like five ways that people do comedy. And then I felt like sometimes you see a guy that just like, doing their own thing and it's working and you're kind of like, oh, right, you can kind of like beat. You can beat comedy into you, where it's like, I'm doing the way that I talk and I sort of. You rejected it instead of just like fitting a mold of what exists already.

[C]

That's why I like people like nor McDonald example, like, he was just. He's a guy who just completely broke the mold of traditional comedy.

[A]

Yeah, totally. You know who. Nor MacDonald really sucks for? All the other people there that sound like Norm MacDonald.

[D]

Everybody else trying to be Norm MacDonald.

[A]

Or that actually do sound like that. Like, that area outside of Ottawa, there's like so many. Like, there's a few comics that weren't trying to sound like him. They do sound like them.

[C]

It's just the way they talk.

[A]

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, you go, you go, oh, that guy's doing Norm. You're like, no, they all sound. No, they're just sounding like that.

[B]

Have you.

[D]

Have you listened to his autobiography?

[A]

I. I know the one where it's kind of like half fake, half real, right?

[D]

Yes. Oh, my God, that is my favorite. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. Just him telling his bullshit life story where he's making up half of it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Primo.

[A]

But that would. You're right. That is a perfect example of a guy just being like, I'm gonna like, invent a new way of doing something. I always thought that was really cool, dude.

[B]

Kurt Metzger, like, you're not joking. Homeboy won an Emmy and a Peabody Award for American Standup Comedian.

[A]

Oh, Kurt's like in our. In the world that I thought you guys might know.

[B]

Monster of.

[A]

He's a co host on Jimmy Dore show. If you know that is.

[C]

Can you show me a picture like, like, I don't know names for.

[A]

It's not One of my good friends in comedy too. I just. I don't know. I just like, find him so funny.

[C]

Cuz I know the name. I. I Don't think I've ever seen him.

[B]

He's.

[A]

Oh, hey, hey.

[D]

Yeah, him. Yeah, he was just on Rogan, like.

[B]

Yeah, two days ago.

[C]

No.

[D]

Yeah, you're.

[A]

You'll seem tapped in.

[B]

Yeah, dude's crushing it, though. Holy to have that was awards. That's wild.

[A]

Yeah, but there's a lot of like, random guys that's in, you know, and in the city. Like, there's a lot of like random New York guys who are just like, yeah, killers and that maybe people don't know about enough, but maybe.

[B]

Well, did you now, did he help you get into the comedy space? Like, hey, I want to try this or was that.

[A]

No, I kind of made friends with him after.

[B]

No shit.

[A]

To be honest. But like, that was like. I feel like when I was in Toronto that like the popular. The. There was kind of like a. A group of comedians that were kind of like the hip New York comedians at the time, but they. None of them were like that famous, you know?

[B]

Gotcha. And none of them, like, did you have any aspirations from big comedians at that point in your life to be like, hey, I want to join this?

[A]

No, at the time, dude, when I started stand up comedy, I'd probably seen like Jerry Seinfeld's special.

[B]

You're like, this is comedy. God, I can do this.

[A]

No, because I know it really was. I was like obsessed with like, like Tom Green, Andy Milakis, Sasha Baron Cohen. I thought that Jamie Kennedy, who I've like kind of hung out with now, I thought that show was so funny, like that kind of on the. That stuff. I was like, you know, I like Sandler, like people like that. But that was my.

[D]

You are the most 40 year old man I've ever met in my life.

[A]

I will defend. Dude, I'm the most. I'm the most like Sandler defender to be.

[C]

I love what he's got like the best gig ever now where he's just like, oh, I'm gonna like pump out these like decent enough comedy movies with all of my best friends in exotic places where we get to just, I know, be in Hawaii for three months.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's like, dude, that's the, that's the American dream.

[A]

He. He really did beat the system. Yeah, but you guys like that. And then I was like. Because I was the way that I thought about it at the time, which. That's why it's like felt different to me. It was like, like everything else, I was like, oh, I'm gonna do this. And then you do that and do that. And then stand up, I was kind of like, I'm doing all this comedy stuff. And it felt like, oh, if you go do stand up, that felt like a more measurable way in, like, sports, where in acting it was like, is the best actor getting the, like, who knows? You know what I mean? It's kind of. You could really replace people with other people sometimes and it maybe would have made a difference. Whereas in, like, sports, you're like, no, that guy's the best. And I felt like stand up would have been more of that, where you. You go, if you're like, so good, you can't be ignored, in my opinion. It was before YouTube. Now there's a versions of it where if you're making the best stuff, like, you'll find your audience. But that was kind of before that, right? You could. An industry could ignore someone. That's amazing. I feel like they can't really do that now. And at the time, I felt like standup was kind of like a way around that, but I didn't. So then when I actually started doing it, I didn't realize that you're just like, oh, this isn't like a thing you do. This is like a life you have.

[B]

I don't something. And what is that like? Because a lot of people don't realize, oh, this is a complete lifestyle. This isn't something you can do half ass. This is. Yeah, I have to go all in. And it's not 40 hours. This is 60, 80, 100 hours a week.

[A]

Yeah, probably, like, success. An athlete being like, I'm like a, you know, I'm. I'm. Oh, I'm just gonna, like, train a little less. You're like, oh, so you're gonna stop doing it? You know what I mean?

[C]

Unless you're Mighty Mouse who, like, has a job. He's an MMA fighter who's just a fucking, you know, top tier athlete, okay with UFC and everything. But he had a job at Red Lobster while he was the UFC champ. It's incredible.

[B]

He was. And to that, like, you were talking about a dude. Everyone else at that level was doing the sleep time full time. Mighty Mouse was doing an hour a week without a coach, and then he had a secondary coach, and it was his first big UFC fight that was hard getting the championship. And they're like, hey, so do you want to quit Red Lobster yet? Yeah, homie. Like, put everything into this. He's like, oh, okay, I guess so. And then he just started crushing.

[A]

I'm in the ufc, but Red Lobster is my Passion.

[B]

No, but.

[A]

Well, he's like, I want to be.

[B]

The number one server of all time.

[D]

Related to all of that. You said you were living in Toronto, you were in a band, you started doing comedy and then you moved to New York.

[B]

New York.

[D]

What, like, what were you doing prior to. Like, what was your full time job before?

[C]

Like, were you.

[A]

I said like random jobs. I never, like, I never. Because just around the band got kind of popular when I was like in college.

[D]

So the band was your job.

[A]

Yeah. And then. But I did stuff like I would. When, when the band was kind of popular. I was. Started this little company making music videos. So I started kind of. And we were pretty like in. So I would make a lot of people's music videos and I have little company. I probably did like 15 a year. And then kind of while I was doing that, I was doing like, you know, we started in the cable access show, but I would always have. I'd have like a couple, you know, gigs that just like, I don't. One of you, you've done film stuff, right? I don't know if you ever had like gigs that like came to you over the years. But when I wasn't making enough money, I have these things where it's like, oh, this person has this video that they make. Do you want to make it? It takes like, took me four or five days. I would do it with my little company, make like 10 grand a year, have like three of those. And then you're like, okay, I make kind of like 25, 30 with my little thing and then make, you know, 25 for my music video racket and then make 30 in entertainment. And all those numbers are probably inflated, but like you add the whole thing up to more like 50 or 60 and you're just like, okay, that was. I kind of had like, which American.

[C]

Dollars is about 40, but so I.

[A]

Had like rackets, you know, like you'd make. And then. And, and you know, when I started comedy and you know, they're probably after two or three years I was making, you know, 1520 in comedy and then 1520 here and 1520 here and then. So I kind of. Yeah, I had, I never had like, I had jobs jobs before. I worked at a hockey rink. I worked for the city for a bit. But like mostly it was after college with the success of the band, I kind of partitioned that into having these like rackets. And then I had like my series at CBC that would make money and I had all these little things like that.

[D]

What was the the comedy money film.

[A]

Probably is the best way to describe it.

[D]

Where was the breakup point where you were like, oh, I can off. I make enough money that I can move to New York and do comedy full time.

[A]

Well, I could have moved before I was. When I was in. I moved here at, like, 32, by, like, 29. Like, I had a. I was like, a real person that, you know.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I wasn't. Like, I had, you know, enough of these little things. Like, we had an office. So me and Danny, who I do my part podcast, the boys cast with, we had a little office in Toronto. There was all of our boys who were film people. And, you know, if you. It was more like. If you needed more work. There was always stuff, like. And I was a really good editor. Right. So there was always stuff I could do if I wanted to. But I always thought that was the best advice for, like, young person that's trying to do something is like, find out how to make 30 grand a year with the least amount of hours possible so you can kind of spend your time doing other things and then never nickel and duck time. The career you're pursuing. Like, so many people are arguing over, like, 40 bucks here and there. It's like, figure out a scheme to, like, get by, you know, that doesn't have to. I mean, bar, if you're like a hot chick bartender is a good scheme, but, like, rather figure out a scheme where you can, like, make enough to survive without worrying about that that much. And then, like, kind of. Then you can just be like, okay, I can just focus on this thing that I'm building.

[C]

You're building all of every job of. Well, like, we. We all had, like, a job prior to. Like, there was the job that we did while we were doing the thing we wanted to do in the background.

[A]

So you. You did it that way?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. A lot of people as you're. It's that I will move into this location and get it ready, and then I will supplement that job with everything else to make sure this lifestyle doesn't change. I want comedy. This is how I get comedy.

[A]

Yeah. And maybe I would have thought of that if I hadn't been in the scenario where I was already, like, kind of famous before. So there's, like, a part. You know what I mean? It felt like, like, like weirdly, like, if I was. I was like, kind of weirdly, like, half made it, if that makes sense. So I was more like. I wanted to figure out rackets, like, in this thing a little bit. Yeah.

[B]

And it helps your overall job because now you're like, hey, I'm doing these skit comedy or whatever, you know, live show.

[A]

You could convince yourself of that, whether it was true. I could convince myself that kind of. It's helping.

[B]

I would do that. I'm like, oh, well, at least I'm learning X, Y and Z. And then I can apply it to this and then I can figure.

[A]

Actually I'm basically doing it.

[B]

Fucking got this all day. Because LA was that. I mean, the acting scene or LA scene was so different. Especially at that time, like 2012 YouTube, no one gives a about. You'd need to be in the entertainment industry and then you're trying to be pay the bills with the YouTube or the side jobs and then while doing your actor's card or.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, right.

[C]

Route, which, I mean, so many of those people too. Like I remember the early days, like you could think of like Fred or whoever. They're like, oh yeah. The biggest thing is like Fred goes to Hollywood. You have somebody who's succeeding in like the influencer YouTube world going to try to be legitimate in the, the Hollywood scene and then they tank because like you, you don't, you don't realize like, okay, we are actually the new economy. And in freelance, it's like you're actually, you're, you're working for yourself instead of working for a studio that works for a union that works for who. And you got these 18 tiers up the. Whereas reality, like you're working, you watched.

[A]

All these people and you're just like, look at all those actors who you're now trying to be. It's like they're all trying to start a podcast, you know what I mean?

[C]

Will Smith started a YouTube channel. Like, what does that tell you?

[B]

Although it flips spots so fast with a lot of things because it is, oh, I'm really big on this side, but I can't put butts in seats. I can't do a lot of stuff. Comedy. I know I've talked to WME or Freddie or any of these YouTube individuals. They're like, man, they think just because they have this audience that naturally that audience will go to a show.

[A]

They might go once. It has to be, you know.

[B]

And that is the hardest thing. It's like, no, I have an Internet presence. Like, fucking congratulations. You didn't build a community aspect to it. No one's gonna show up. And now these big theaters, these big shows, they, oh, we'll do a 2000 seat venue, 300 people show up. What the Fuck's going on? I thought you said you could sell this at. Why? That's. Thought that. Well, they watch my YouTube videos. Doesn't matter. Yeah, and that's. How is that with the comedian. You like YouTube space? Do you see a lot of comedian YouTubers trying to get on shows with you or they're just not filling out seats? Like, how is that whole world coming from the traditional side of comedy?

[A]

Yeah, like the community thing that you're saying is funny because like in comedy, in a weird way, it's almost, I don't know, frowned upon. Is the wrong the right word. But like, it feels like all of that stuff of, you know, like, like the stuff that YouTubers do to like build a community almost feels like you're not supposed to do that or something interesting. You know what I mean?

[C]

But we have a long standing joke. If you say community, we all, all have to drink. Oh, so you're. You're this up over here. Yeah.

[A]

Well, you're kind of, you're. It's a little more like, you know, this is the stuff I'm doing. And I don't. I'm kind of like keep. I'm not, not like, I'm not babysitting a group of people. I'm making stuff and if they like it, that's cool. But yeah, I mean there's. That's one of the things that's like in the last three years is happening like crazy is there's so many people that build this big audience and then they're. There's a million people being like, hey, you can make a lot of money if you go do a live performance for them. And then they're just like, what do I do? And then I can't think of. I mean, I kind of feel almost grateful that I was maybe the point where I was really selling tickets. I've been doing stand up for 10 years so I could kind of like handle, you know, do it. But like being not good enough to do an hour of stand up and then going in like disappointing, you know, 500 people a night and then be like, and now I'm going to do this tomorrow. And then, and then I'm going to do it tomorrow. It's like, I feel like that's torture.

[C]

But I've disappointed one person a night for years. So, like, it's not that big a deal.

[D]

Deal.

[A]

And then they go, you know, even Louis used to say about this is a Louis CK quote, but he used to talk about when we. You guys were saying, putting together the New hours. People were like, if you have like an hour of stand up and someone's like a big fan, and then you come back to their city, like a couple years later, and it's this and that, they'll come the second time. And then if the second time, it's like mostly the same kind of thing, they'll like, they might even still have a good time, but they're not coming the third time.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? So it's like, if you want to build, like, every. Yeah. Do these tours and people come see me every time. It's like, the truth is, a lot of those people just aren't capable of that right now. From no fault of their own. They're just like, not. You know, it's not. If you. If I got famous doing, like, trick shots and then I had to go play in the NBA, you know what I mean? Or whatever it was. So I feel like a lot of people are, like, struggling with, like, what to do with that. And some people are figuring out. I mean, you guys are doing a podcast. Some people are like, I do this show where I kind of bring people. I kind of do 10 minutes. Then we do like a Q and A, and we put. Some people, like, figured out how to put together, like, a cool dating show or something. So I think people are.

[C]

You're talking about, like, Zach.

[A]

There's so many. I don't know the names of the people who do the dating shows, but I know there's some of them that seem pretty popular trying to remember his last name.

[C]

But Zach, he's like the guy that does, like, he brings in the girls and they do, like, the dating show, like, kind of stuff. Dude, it's fucking hilarious.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So people are figuring out, like, what do I. What is my live performance look like? And then probably after that, they're figuring out, like, do I actually want to do this? It's.

[B]

Dude, it's hard because I can say from that side of the fence, you have. How do I say it? It is. The company is like, well, they won't tour next year or we'll hold that back on them. And it's like, we don't give a. About tour, and we're doing this for everyone else. This is not.

[C]

We give tourists, dude.

[B]

This is not our lifestyle.

[C]

Zach Justice.

[A]

Yeah, I know that guy.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that guy.

[B]

I haven't seen his stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Have you not.

[A]

You were talking about the white room thing.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, no, I'm. Maybe he does a live version, but I'M just saying there's all these, you know, random guys that build this big thing, and they have this live, you know, dating, where the audience comes up or whatever.

[C]

Doing that live. Sounds crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Having no editorial control is. That's a gamble. Especially something that sensitive, positive.

[A]

Yeah, I guess so. But they're. Well, then, I mean, you got to figure something out if you want to tour. Yeah, but I guess the other side is you don't have to tour. Like, you know, that's a big thing.

[B]

A lot of people are learning that.

[C]

One of these days, Eli will figure that out.

[B]

We don't. We do not have to.

[C]

No. It is great.

[B]

To everyone else.

[C]

Why do we do it, Eli?

[B]

For the community.

[A]

I don't put podcasting in that same category. Like a podcast. Going to a live podcast is actually. Actually pretty normal. Here's the. Here, I don't see that as for.

[B]

Yours category, for yours, being able to do this for a year and a half at this point, almost two and a half years, we now sell out 2,200 seat venues. Like, in a week and a half, we will sell out 2,200 seat.

[A]

What does 2,200 seat venue mean?

[B]

Just 2,000 people.

[C]

2,000.

[A]

What does the 200 mean?

[B]

200 seats.

[C]

2200 is what he's trying to say.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

22. 2,200. 2,200.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

2200. However you want to say, say that.

[A]

I. I knew you weren't seeing 2,200 seat venues, but I was like, what are you saying? That is how 2000 or 3287 shows a day.

[C]

We do 2000 bingo per year.

[B]

It's like, why are you doing so many shows? Also awesome. Why are you working right now?

[A]

Why is every venue 2200 seats?

[B]

We're really good at that. That is our max capacity.

[A]

No more, no less. This one's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. Yeah.

[B]

Because how fast that happened. We got truly blessed with being five people on the stage and we get to interact and everyone has a good time. A lot of comedians when we talk to them, like, how the fuck. That is really quick to scale that size. And at first we didn't. We were like, 400 seat venues. And then we barely sold out.

[C]

I mean, our first one was like, 300 seats.

[B]

Yeah, 300. 400 was.

[C]

It was where actually we're like, tonight, like, laugh out loud. That. That was our. And we were nervous as.

[D]

First. First. First.

[C]

Yeah, it was. It was 300 seats. And we were terrified.

[A]

Well, I Mean, I'm sure there's some places where you'll go. Like, I mean, you know, like, I'm, I'm, I'm next week I'm doing 1500 in Toronto and then I'm doing 500 in Houston. And then tonight's going to be 300. Like so, you know, I'm, Yeah, it's scale depends on. No, it depends. I'm just saying it depends on where you go go. You're like, oh, and then you, if you maybe if you go to London, then you're like, oh, that's just five. You know, it depends on.

[C]

Right.

[A]

So there's always a place where you're selling more tickets and less tickets. If you want to go there is a question.

[C]

But, but even, even still, just like, even though it's like, I mean, sorry.

[A]

To interrupt, but I know for you guys it's the exact same amount. Every single place, 2200.

[C]

I mean, we, we keep it like relatively close because it's, it's big hubs too, where it's like Denver, Phoenix, Boston, like, you know, big, big conglomerates like that. But I just, I, I, I just go back to our first ever show where we were all just terrified. Like, I just remember the feeling in the green room. We're like, we've never been on stage before.

[B]

Oh, like this is, oh, this is. It was one of the biggest things. It's like we're used to talking behind a camera where to millions of people. The second that millions turns into 300.

[A]

And you started with a big plays.

[C]

It was like three. It was 300.

[B]

Was the a lot, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I mean, for a lot of people, that is like, oh, but three to 500 during that first tour.

[C]

Enter stage left Richard high. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Exposed his butthole and testicles right off the entire crowd.

[C]

It was St. Patrick's Day sick. He was wearing a kilt and just mooned the whole audience as we walked out. And we're like, well, that sets the tone. All right, fair enough.

[B]

Now we don't have to worry, period. Yeah, it's, it's just that weird spot of how fast it evolved into that size. And we're truly blessed because we have a huge audience. But 2 million people behind a camera versus 300 people in front of them. Absolutely terrifying to all of us.

[A]

Yeah. Different scale.

[B]

Cody like, Cody hates it. He is the largest.

[C]

The up do you know? So Boston, I think it's the Wilson Wilbur Theater.

[A]

I did the Wilbur.

[C]

Yeah, we, we did the Wilbur last, last tour.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

And you Know, there's like. There's the. The base floor, the second floor, and then there's like a third floor.

[B]

Way awesome.

[C]

It's cool. They. They call it, like, the Wall of Laughter.

[A]

Yeah. Because they built it. They built a comedy club in the bottom. Oh, no, that's the reason. Like, so if you like the part where it has the tables has. Feels like a comedy club. That's why everyone does their specials there.

[C]

No, I didn't know that.

[A]

Yeah, so it's. Yeah, they have a theater, but then they have a little floor essentially in front of the theater that feels like a comedy club.

[C]

That's cool. No, no. Well, when we did it, Cody. Well, because the way the lighting was set up, Cody didn't know there was a third floor.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

So he's gotten massive stage fright. And like, at one point, like, one of us just like, hey, Cody, look up there.

[A]

And he goes, oh, fuck.

[C]

Just had no clue there was an entire extra 300 fucking people there.

[A]

Isn't that a wild, like, time, though? There's. There's some podcasts that do, like, a live podcast, and they do arena, and just like, man, what a wild dude. There's this podcast in Quebec. I think it's Mike Ward's podcast. They did the. The. The like, you know, basketball sports stadium, right.

[C]

It's in two guys chatting and, like, logical brain. It makes sense, but, like, caveman brain. None of the computes.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, the rules are all not. There is no.

[B]

Yeah, we. We were terrified with the 360.

[C]

Oh, dude, wait, you guys did a 360?

[A]

Phoenix all the way around.

[B]

Yeah, Phoenix. And it was.

[A]

That's weird.

[B]

It was a 240, like, because it was one of those things like how the. Where we are on a table, we are talk. The people behind us won't have a good time. We need to, like, push everyone this way.

[D]

Huh?

[C]

The only place there wasn't people was the entrance ramp behind us. Yeah, it was. I'm like, oh, yeah. A table full of veterans famously comfortable with people sitting behind them for an hour and a half, terrified.

[B]

What is it like for you when you walk out on that? Or are you. Do you sit. What's your actual stage presence like for stuff like that? Now, are you walking and looking at each area when you walk and talk?

[A]

Dude, I like, honestly, this stuff feel. It just doesn't feel like anything to me me. That's why, like, I'm. If it really. I don't know. Like, I guess I've been performing since I was like 16, but it really. It's not even like a nervous thing or not. I'm more like in my head, like, okay, I'm gonna think about. I might be thinking about something. Like, okay, I want to try this new thing or I want to do that. But like the actual. Oh, everyone's here. Like, I. I just feel nothing. It's like irrelevant.

[C]

So go see his shows. Yeah, he doesn't care about you at all. That's what you want.

[D]

Humility change.

[B]

Check.

[D]

What was everybody's first job?

[A]

No, you'd be like, if you walked into. I feel the way that if I walked into a room with my friends, like, if I walked into a room with like my buddies, I'm not like, oh, I'm not like nervous.

[C]

So you just lost the nerves over time?

[A]

Yeah, it just feels regular. You do it every single night. You know what I mean? It just feels like regular.

[B]

Last show, that's when they open the doors. Like, hey, five minutes. I usually sleep before show. I'll take my naps. Brain's like, oh, it hit. I'm like, huh?

[A]

Do you guys have a stand up that does anything before you guys go on?

[B]

No, you should straight.

[C]

I see.

[A]

I've said that I'll make it easier because going first is notoriously a little harder.

[C]

Especially in. In San Antonio, we have so many friends like Justin Governall. Like people that do have a local.

[A]

Person do 10 minutes before. That'll make it better for you.

[C]

I feel like we should.

[B]

But the crowd. Do we what, do we walk out to thunderous fucking applause at the same time?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I feel like it's also good for the honor audience too. Like, you know, warms them up. Yeah. Ten minutes of just like, oh, you know, they're warmed up, you're ready to laugh, you're having a good time while you're waiting for the.

[A]

You know, that's a no brainer. That would be like 101 if I was like this for. Yeah, put someone before. Have someone do something beforehand.

[B]

Yeah, it'd be interesting to try it because it'd be that. Because Jake gets booed going on stage just for his. Jake will be on stage. And this is.

[C]

Well, that sounds like a Jake problem.

[B]

He goes on and it's like, hey, I'm speaking for this, not this. And Jake's not even into the intro of like, hey, no cell phones. He does his little bit, but people are like, we didn't pay for you.

[A]

And you're like, Jesus Christ, audience.

[B]

That's why I would not Want to put that on an ending comedian where they're like, hey, what's up? It's just we have.

[A]

We have so many fuck guys.

[C]

We have so many comedians that are former podcast guests, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you think our audience is going to be kind? Jake the lawyer is getting wrecked. I hate Overcord.

[A]

Now, what you need is a guy that is a. That does film and tour, and they'll be like, tour with us. And he's also kind of works for you.

[B]

We're going to just throw you on stage next time.

[A]

Well, you can't afford me. No.

[C]

That'S not a lie. All right.

[A]

That would. Honestly, I bet you. You would do it and you'd be like, oh, that's way better.

[B]

It be a good. Let's test it for next year.

[C]

I feel like we should. Like, I've really. I've been. I've been hard on that. That I think that you, like, you have an opener.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And because pretty much even every. Every big musician and whatnot, when they do a big tour, they. They have openers and stuff like that. Just, you know, it's. It's something to keep people entertained if they show up early, you know, stuff like that. And if people miss it, then they miss it, whatever. But it's. I don't know, it keeps you entertaining.

[A]

Where you like a lot of mediums that you're like, we'll do it differently. And then like after a few years, you're like, there's a reason everyone did it like that. You know what I mean?

[B]

We've had delay shows. I was a great example. 45 minute delay because 60% of the audience tried to bring in guns and they had to go back to their car. Now we're delaying. Now they're delaying it. And then they're like, why. Why isn't the show starting yet?

[A]

Your baby's like a huge. Your show's like a little baby show. The rap Her. Yeah. Literally.

[B]

Everyone was bringing guns and like, hey, they delayed it by like 45 minutes for show because it was like, everyone's trying to bring in guns.

[A]

Same thing happened to Cat Williams. Well, yeah. That's so funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You guys are dealing with gangster rap problems.

[D]

They tried to bring guns in here.

[C]

It was, it was the, the Nashville show where they, they came back, the management came back. They were like, hey, you know, we're glad you're here. This, this, this. The staff is a little concerned. A lot of your people are trying to. To bring in firearms. No, no, not even that. Just like, they're just like, well, we're worried that they're gonna bring in firearms. We're like, no, no, not our crowd. They know the rules, they know the laws, stuff like that. And then we walk outside and there's a guy carrying a fucking AT four.

[B]

Like, well, he wanted to say.

[A]

I chug it out. That's so funny.

[C]

I get it's an empty tube, but when you're dealing with an a, you know, arena that doesn't deal with this.

[A]

Yeah, I get it.

[B]

So where's the rest of your tour?

[A]

That's so funny. I'm just like kind of on tour always. Like, I try to do. I try to do about two weekends a month is like what I think, like, makes sense for me. So right now, I guess I don't know when this is going to come out, but San Antonio, Houston and Austin are sold out. But then I'm, I'm. I don't think you guys have. Do you mind if I pull up my dates and.

[B]

No, Literally the purpose.

[C]

Yeah, by all means, tell them.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

But yeah, then I'm doing big theater in Toronto. Ottawa still has some tickets. Toronto's basically sold out, but then Miami, Naples, Jacksonville, Little Florida run, San Francisco, Sacramento, Philadelphia, Madison, Vancouver, Portland, Minneapolis, Lansing, Theater, Chicago, Detroit, Winnipeg, Spokane, Phoenix, Santa Ana, Pueblo, Boston, Halifax, Nashville, Kansas City, Calgary, D.C. providence. Ryan Long, comedy.com and so when's your.

[C]

Last date on that tour?

[A]

It's always like, it's kind of just so the way that I am currently doing it is not like just one big tour over. It's more that I do about 24 weekends a year sort of thing, you know, and that just kind of goes on forever. When I do release a special, I'll probably take like four months off to do press and work on stuff in this and that. But it's kind of just. That's like that I'm trying, I'm trying to be in like you're trying to more like systemize like an. A manageable life as opposed to like, it's off, then it's on. It's off, then it's on.

[B]

This is sure, like always 24 hours of metric shift done. And also send that to show so we can put that up on screen so everyone knows the exact.

[D]

Do the read.

[C]

I get that we all like, we're privileged to be able to do the job that we have. Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Do you still enjoy it?

[A]

Yeah. To be honest, it's the, the problem with being busy. I'm sure it's like the. There's too much stuff other than the thing like. You know what I mean? Like, I kind of of. It's funny because I used to look back at, you know, when I was probably like four years into this or whatever, and you'd be like, man, it'd be so sick to be there. And then you could just do stand up and you're like, actually, it's. Here is when I was. When I had nothing, this is what I could. Now it's like you're doing stand up while managing a lot of other things, you know? So to me, it's like the thing that I like most is when I'm like my whole life is problem I'm trying to solve is how can I mostly just focus on the things, you know? Know. So with stand up, I. Yeah, I do love. The problem is that it's hard to really do when you're doing a million other things. So my. Most of my time is spent. How can I do the least amount of other things and actually just do this? You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

When? Now? Where can everyone find you on social media?

[A]

All of my socials are at Ryan Long Comedy and the podcast is the Boys Cast with Ryan Long.

[C]

Who do you do the Boys Cast.

[A]

With, Danny, Paul Polis, Chuck, and he's a. He's a comedian also from Toronto that lives in New York as well. You might have seen his stuff. He does a lot of funny sketches and stuff.

[D]

Probably.

[C]

Yeah, it's probably. Again, it's one of those things that comes across your feed all the time and you're just like, oh, that guy.

[A]

Yeah, no, that's what I was saying to you guys. I. I don't. It's like cool. I've obviously seen like your face and your face a bunch of times.

[C]

But you, Connor, who the am I.

[A]

No, I've seen. Well, I've seen the podcast and I remember my first note was I was like, that looks really good.

[C]

No, don't make him feel good.

[A]

I remember, I think your shit looks really good. And then, I don't know, I was just like impressed with the. You. It's cool that there's these, you know, just. You're like, oh, just, you know, who's that guy? And you go, oh, yeah, they're making crazy money just doing this, like you don't need anyone. And to me, that's like, cool when you meet other people that are just in like a different, like slightly different thing. I'm sure there's some crossover on people we know and stuff like that, but I don't. I think it's sick.

[C]

Well, it's been a genuine pleasure to disappoint you in person. Yeah. That's a. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I'm glad you guys are touring, man. I'm glad it's going well.

[B]

Not tell.

[A]

If you come to New York, I'll come to the show. If you come to New York or Jersey again. Are you. Are you going to come to New York? Have you done New York?

[D]

We have.

[C]

We. We did Jersey. I don't think we'll go back there, but we might do New York. Who knows?

[A]

Some cool theaters in New York, man. That's like, we want harder to make money.

[C]

The idea is our goal. Eli's always wanted to do. Sorry. Eli's always wanted to do Madison Square Garden, so.

[A]

Yeah, that'd be sick, dude.

[B]

We've scaled right now 300, 800, 2000 sold out. So this one will be 5, 000 seats. If we can sell at four venues at 5,000 seats each, then we'll get Madison Square Garden for 20.

[A]

You know, on another life, I have.

[B]

This dialed into a goddamn science.

[A]

Well, here's.

[C]

It's. It's a. It's a stretch goal, but at the same time, if we just do one big unsub tour, like, this is the unsub mecca.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

This is the only show we're doing the entire tour all on sub fans there. I think maybe we can do it. Yeah, we won't sell it out.

[B]

Oh, we will. I will make that a thing. Oh, we will make an event around it.

[C]

Sounds like a challenge.

[A]

We write rent out. Like, literally rent out an arena. You know, make the tickets affordable so people will actually do it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Cut out a tick. Like, cut out a ticketing service, you know.

[B]

Oh, they get. Yeah, yeah. We. We're thankfully super blessed on even who we work with on any of the.

[A]

Aspect because w. No, the only reason I was saying that is I was like, if you're trying to sell an arena and the goal is like, how many tickets can we sell? You want to, like, cut out all these, like, get it down to 25 bucks. Like, you know what I mean? Like, that. All I was saying was, like, in this one situation where you're like, my goal is just sell, like, as many as possible and trying to, like, we're like, trying to step up. One of the ways to help that is like, how can we get these tickets as cheap as possible?

[B]

You know, fill this bitch up out and then we have fear. Go, Connor.

[D]

Soon to sell out Madison Square Garden. Thank you for tuning in to the Unsubscribe podcast. As always, I've been joined by Eli Double Tap, the one, the only Ryan. Some have called him the longest. Long gun guy, huge gun guy, Future congressman Brandon Herrera and myself, Batman Feast, Fish Man. Thank you for tuning in as always, Ryan. Where. Where can we find you again?

[B]

One more time. We're just gonna rinse, repeat.

[A]

Very nice with all this promo you're giving.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Comedy.com.

[D]

Bigdick comedy.com.

[A]

We love you guys.

[B]

Kisses you.

[C]

Sa.