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Make Whole Foods Market your holiday headquarters. Audible's best of 2024 picks are here.
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From memoirs and sci fi to mysteries and thrillers, Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment.
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Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984 and Percival Everett's.
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Brilliantly subversive James Audible, there's more to.
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Imagine when you listen.
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I actually am really excited to hear George Orwell's 1984 again because I last time I read that was back in, I don't know, middle school or something like that. And the world has changed so much with technology and everything like that. I feel like now is the perfect time to revisit and listen to it on Audible.
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Especially when it's told by a full cast like that like it's a full production. It's going to be like a radio play. You know that's major. Go to audible.com crappins and discover all the year's best waiting for you. That's audible.com crappins.
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We know you're listening because you can't get enough drama, but there are some.
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Things that should stay drama free, like.
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Getting birth control, accessing gender affirming care, getting tested for STIs.
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Health care shouldn't be dramatic, but lawmakers insist on attacking our rights to get the care we need and deserve.
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Your gift to Planned Parenthood helps all people no matter their race, sexual orientation, gender identity, zip code income or immigration status. Get affordable, high quality care without judgment, stigma or drama. So don't Wait. Make your gift now@planned parenthood.org Protect. Who cares what happens when there's so much crap? Well, hello, and welcome to the watch of Crappin's bonus episode. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. If you're listening, that means to support us here on Patreon. So thank you very much for doing that. We always appreciate it. Ronnie, how are you doing today?
B
So good. What's been going on over there? I'm back in Texas. It's nice. It's really gloomy here. It's really rainy. Seeing family eating Amy's ice cream, wondering why my boobs are getting bigger. You know, that kind of thing. How's it going over there?
A
It's going quite nicely. I'm still in London, where it's also rainy and gloomy. Just got off of a. Got off of the underground. I came out from the underground, was on the tube with about a million British school children who were on a trip, I think, to see the Victoria and Albert Museum. So there was a lot of. Did you see the painting? Excuse me, where are we supposed to go? It was adorable. Those little British accents, little children, little British accents. Just my favorite. But that being said, I am finding a lot of. I'm making new generalities about London. Last time I came, my takeaway was that all the food here is under seasoned. I'm revising that and I'm apologizing because all the food this time has been delicious and perfectly seasoned. So I think I just was eating at shitty restaurants last time. But this time around, good seasoning. My new general generalization. Did I say generality? My new generalization this time is that I love this city, but the people walking on the sidewalk don't know how to walk on the sidewalk. It is like slow walking, and it's drifting left and right and it's stopping. And I don't know what's going on, but I'm gonna need. I'm gonna need the people to pull up and. And walk in straight lines. And if you're walking slowly, walk a little bit to the right. That's all I need. Okay.
B
Do you think it's because you're in, like, a touristy area and, like, people who aren't from the city walk like that? Because when we were there together, we stayed in. A tourist was like that. But I think it was the tourists. They were like, oh, my God, look at that. Like, they would literally stop and point at something. And I'm like, there's 19 of you, so you're gonna need to move to the side, you're gonna have to come up with a different pointing plan. Okay.
A
Because you can't do it like this through the whole. You need to, like, pull over like you're driving. But I. That's what I thought at first. But I've now been in several neighborhoods, and everyone's doing it. And when I was walking down one street, there was one street I was walking down that was full of, like, business people, like, business, business, business. And everyone's, like, in shirt and tie, and they leaving, and I'm like, why are you. Why are you doing this? It's. It's. It's. It's out of control. But I don't know. So that's my. That's my. That's what I'm dealing with today. But gotta say, love this. This city is absolutely amazing. You know, strange pedestrians aside, it's so good. I'm having the best time. We have to come back here because it's the best.
B
Yeah, it's a good place. All right, well, let's get on with this. So we have a new show on in the Bravo universe. This one is called Sold on slc. So we're going to be tackling this for as long as it interests us on. On the bonus episodes. Who knows? Will it be five seasons? Will it be one episode? We don't know.
A
I like this pivot from London town where every building here is about 600 years old, and we go to SLC where every building is about five months old.
B
Yeah. You know, there's something in Europe where people, like, kind of dig well. They, you know, they. They dog on America anyway for lots of reasons. But one of them is like, oh, my God, like, in Europe, like, just add your accent here because I'm not doing one right now. But, like, here in Europe, our buildings are, like, so old. They're made out of stone, and they're made out of, like, brick. And in America, shit's made out of cardboard, and it comes down in two seconds. Well, someone who just remodeled a house, let me just say thank God for American cardboard houses, because you can change it. You can just be like, I don't like that wall now. I'm gonna. I'm gonna change it. And then you can just do new things all the time. Whereas I feel like there. They're always patching over the same pipe that burst, you know, in the 20s when they were still made out of.
A
O bombs, the 1520s. And it's. You're right. And like, yes. These house, these buildings are absolutely beautiful and they're full of so much charm and character and they're gorgeous. But just watch one episode of House Hunters International and you'll realize every room is basically the size of a broom closet. There's something to be said about new construction. So yeah, I'm not trying to, I.
B
Mean, do they have rooms that were just designed for a fairly new religions temple? Probably not. Like, do they, do they get to their wife in a temple themed bedroom? Probably not.
A
Yeah. There's not even room for an oversized charcuterie board in most of these rooms. So I don't even know what the realtors do here.
B
This is another trip through Mormonism, which is just weird as ever. And you know what? It's not specifically Mormonism. Mormonism is weird to us because we're not Mormon. But it's odd to us. It's different to us. But it's not that it's so weird, it's just highly religious people to me are just so weird. And I'm from highly religious people. My dad will still pray tongues over a golden cor meal. Like he does not give a, you know, like they're, they're still pretty highly religious. And even that's a little odd to me just because I, I, I'm not a practicing highly religious person. But just seeing people so entrenched in religion cracks me up. Especially when they're like fish faced. You know, everybody's got crazy faces and like big fake boobs and big fake butts and the guys have like those crazy faces and boobs too. And then you've got everybody like, well, I mean, I'm more than it, but I don't agree with it, so I don't really follow it. So you' Mormon. So just stop being a hypocrite and lecturing to everybody else about Mormonism when you're not even doing it. You're just doing it because you need the contacts. You guys are all Lisa Barlow's. I don't want to hear it from you, but I guess you have to in that town, right?
A
What? Like say you're more like Mormon. Mormon. Mormon of Mormon. Enough. Have like a tone Mormonism so that way you don't lose your business. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Have a smack of Mormonism to you. Yeah, that's kind of like what most.
B
People would call that selling out. But I guess if it's to Joseph Smith, it's okay. Like, I don't, I don't know. I mean, listen, we see it in every religion.
A
It's Called sold.
B
I do have a question. Yeah, Soul. Soul. Sold on slc. I do have a question though, as well. What is the grammar? Is that correct? Grammar? Sold on slc. I don't get it.
A
Like, no, because it's like, I'm sold on slc. Like, do you like slc? Oh, yeah, I'm sold.
B
Sold on slc. Okay. Yeah, I noticed that in slc.
A
No, it's sort of like a play on words there.
B
And it doesn't really work right.
A
Well. Well, because. Well, because it's like these are people who are sold on the concept. And it's like we're also selling and should be called sold on and in slc.
B
Sold in slash on.
A
A house was bought in this city. Colon, slc.
B
I. My wife in a room that looks like a temple in soc.
A
They definitely have for the title card. It's. It's definitely like sold on and then slc. So, like, if this is a hit, I imagine they would, you know, put on different cities as well. It reminds me of wild on. Remember Wild on. Wild on. It just was called Wild on, though. They didn't even have. I mean, Tara Reid hosted it. So it makes sense because they're not tarot read. Can't handle more than that. You know, if they're going to call it like Wild on, you know, Miami or Wild on Cancun, they're just like, just call it.
B
Pass this out before the full title. They're like, guys, why did we come up with a three word title? Tarot Reed passed out after the second word. Guys.
A
It'S a stupid show.
B
She gets two words out and then she burps the third. Can we just one word title. How about that? Just call something. Duh. And put her on.
A
You know, let's call it wild. All right, so we have catch. Sold on S. Sold on slc.
B
Catch up.
A
Wild On. Right?
B
It's called ketchup.
A
Ketchup, yeah. And she was like, Danielle Staub was there too. And Heidi from the hills.
B
Oh, yeah, because they had a like a waitress competition, didn't they?
A
Yeah, it was a reality show. It was like the restaurant was owned by like Mike Boogie from big brother because Mike Boogie actually was part of like this restaurant group that was really big in the 2000s with Ashton Kutcher and others. And they owned like le do and a whole bunch of places. And ketchup was one of the places and they had a reality show there. It was not good. Yeah.
B
Okay, so here we go. So we're doing this show Salt Lake City. So we get a sweeping overhead shot of Salt Lake City and we hear a voiceover of Jennifer Yao. Check. I'm Jennifer Yao, a CEO of president Presidio Real Estate. And when I started the brokerage, I couldn't even afford a printer. A printer, can you believe it? And last year we sold $1.2 billion, which is why I'm wearing a lime green paper mached cardboard. What did she 3D print her dress? I don't understand. These dresses that are like ribbed, what are they? What would you call it? I call them paper mache Ribbed craziness.
A
Is, is it the ones that are sort of like, wait, I've got to go look up a picture of her.
B
They're like structural.
A
Yeah. If I remember correctly, it's like a draped but structured. Right, Right.
B
It's like draped but paper mache. They look crazy on people. They give you no form. It looks like you're wearing a science fair project. They're looking. They're crazy. And it's also Salt Lake City. So anybody who is expecting selling Sunset. No, no, no.
A
Oh, is this, Is this the image? Is this the picture of her wearing the green thing where it's like the green swirl in the middle? It looks like. Yes.
B
Like it's like a swirl dress and it comes up like a wave.
A
Yes, it is really strange.
B
It.
A
I mean, it looks like it's like a green screen. It's like a. It's like a draped ruffled green.
B
Yeah, super weird. So she couldn't afford a printer and now look at eyes and we see, you know, shots of the cast. Now this is not selling sense that selling Santa is a very glossy. Everybody's like dressed to the nine. This is, this is like that but with polyester and like worse neighborhoods. What would you.
A
Yeah, what would you say? All I've got to say is that there was a Toyota on this episode as part of the storyline. And that's the. I think that's like one of two instances where a non luxury car has ever been featured on Bravo. The other one being when Lisa Hain drove her maid's Honda on Miami last season. So like this is definitely not selling Sunset. Like we don't see Toyotas on that show.
B
But I like it because I used it as a major tragedy on this.
A
Show as we're featuring a Toyota.
B
But it's, it's trauma. It's our trauma dump of the show. And guess what? We want you to feel sorry for the cutest, most failing upward white guy of all. Time.
A
Slade squish face.
B
Ms. Squish. What. What did you call him?
A
Slade, sadly. Instead of Slate Smiley.
B
Sadly, yes. He really is that. He is like. He's like. It's the saddest little squish face I've ever seen. Also, I guarantee you he's cheating on his wife.
A
Guarantee. It's like if someone took Slade Smiley, but then, like. Like, did like a. Like a face swap with the pioneer woman, you know?
B
Or one of those mushrooms for Mario.
A
Yeah, all three.
B
Who's always frowny. They're like. They're, like, walking back and forth. They're, like, all frowny.
A
And Slate Smiley.
B
Which I still think is problematic.
A
I don't think it still feels a little wrong. Yeah. But by the way, you know what really bothers me so? Her fingernail.
B
Why don't we even have them?
A
What's the point? Jennifer. Yeah. Yo, her name. Her last name is spelled Y, E, O, and she's the CEO. So, first of all, it feels like there should be some sort of wordplay there. She's like the CEO. She should be like, yeo stands for the. The. Yes. Executive Offer Officer or something like that.
B
But I'm surprised she's not like, I'm Jennifer Yao. Ce. Yao of. Yeah. Presidio, or CEO of Presidio Real Estate.
A
It can go in so many directions. And then you have Presidio Real Estate.
B
What?
A
Spelled, you know, properly P R, E, S I, D, I, O. But why not make it idio? Because it's like, Presidio. Like, come on, Jennifer, you have opportunities here.
B
That would be a rough Google, though.
A
Yeah, it's kind of annoying, but still.
B
But, yeah, it's a good idea. And. And she does do stuff like that. She makes, like, little turns of phrase like that. So I am surprised that she didn't go all the way. But we'll see. I have faith in her. Not her fashion or her face or her business, really. But she's never. So I'm gonna give her. I'm gonna give her the benefit of it, and I'm not. I'm not giving her anything. Okay, so now we see the cast turning to the camera, and they're mostly in polyester, which I was like, guys, I get that. It's like a pilot. Maybe this was a sizzle reel. I don't know. But you're posing on a snow slope. Maybe at least move up to rayon. You know what I mean? Like, this is bad. This is like, Auntie Josie. Polyester levels of lesbian. All of you.
A
Well, we hear Jennifer of doing a voiceover. Jennifer Yao saying, real estate in Utah is a hot market and values next to a temple skyrocket in Utah. There's three agents for every home sold. And it gets pretty competitive. It's dog eat dog out there.
B
Which is basically like incest for dogs. It's like gastro. It's like gastro incest for dogs. So we're into it. And then we get our favorite thing about Salt Lake City. We get the choir singing real estate version Haas. And then we see people dancing in a club and slow motion to the Haas. And we see a temple in the Haas. And then we hear Tina. Salt Lake is the epitome of perfection. But underneath it all, people have some really dark secret brewing.
A
Scandal after scandal. Leave it to the Utahans to have the biggest secrets of all. Right, says Jennifer. So it's going to be real estate, but with secrets. You're. You're going to sell secrets. I'm going to get a. I'm get. I'm pre approved for a secret.
B
Yeah. So solar slc, the title card. And then we see the town, a temple, a trolley, Presidio real estate, of course. And it's a sales meeting. There are so many sales people here. There's a lot of them. And let me tell you, a lot of these people look exhausted. Like, can I please retire? Please let me retire. And Jennifer Yao won't. She's like, I'm Jennifer yo, and you're not retiring. You know what I say to your retiring yo? Okay, some people say yolo because you only live once. And I say yodo because you only die once. And I'm not wasting it on this. Get back to work.
A
Three agents for every house sold. Okay. This was giving sort of shades at Vanderpump Villa of, you know, she was gathered everyone around for this big meeting and everything. And there's like slow motion. She like, she like walks in slow motion into her like very standard office. You know, I feel like you can only do like the slow motion, like walk up if your building has some sort of like columns or a giant staircase that was built in the 20s, but like walking into just like a generic Utah office and it's like dun.
B
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
A
Walking slow motion. I was like, you're trying it a little while.
B
They're using special effects for things that don't deserve them. Like selling sunset is like so much hotness and glamour. It's like, oh, she's walking slow. But this house is $97 trillion. And her dress is 96, you know, and then it's like, slow, I'm a girl boss bitch. But then on this, it's like they're all in polyester and they're walking into a metal building and it's just like, you can't use the same music in slow mo. You know, it's like when people get their own green screens at home and we're all like, look at me, I am on top of a building. And it's just like, okay, maybe that's the same thing they used in Lord of the Rings. But we don't, like, we haven't earned it yet. You know what I mean?
A
Can I say, by the way, I forgot to mention it on the New York recap. I'm just gonna mention it here because otherwise I'm just never going to remember. But I really want to mention it. When I saw. When saw this, I like, cackled because, you know, this. This year, the post department on Bravo has been just like, out of control. And they are just like, they are cracked out. And I think they're just trying to see what they can do before Bravo notices their antics. Did you notice on Rooney this week, they showed stock footage of like an office building, like one of those big glassy office buildings where like the entire outside is like a grid. And then they like highlighted like three different, like, like crosses of windows, like the windows created crosses or like plus signs. And then they cut those out and they superimpose those on the background of some other stuff happening in New York. And then they made them spin around frantically. Did you notice that? That was the wildest thing. I was like, what are you doing over there, Bravo? Why are you doing. Why are you isolating random, like, Tetris pieces of an office building and then rotating them?
B
They're as bored on that set as we are post production. They're like, literally nothing is going on. Make some. Make some windows into Tetris pieces and spin them around.
A
Sorry. Sorry for that. That tangent. I just needed to need to get that out on the record on our show somewhere.
B
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Early and ad free right now by joining Wondery plus. So anyway they so Jennifer Yell walks in and it's like lots of. We see lots. We see some stats. 17 years as an agent, $118 million in lifetime sales. That's right. She sold people's lifetimes and she earned that much money for it.
B
As adults of 100,000 children of 50. I am looking up her record because I'm going to start doing this. Okay, so she spent 17 years. 118,000 divided by 17 is. That's only 6900. Wait, that's not right. Yeah, that's. No, that's because. No, it's because. 118 million, right? I'm so stupid. 118 million. Okay, that's six zeros. I've learned this this week. How many zeros are in a million? God bless it. Divided by what? 17, right? Okay, so that's about 6.9 million a year average. That's terrible, because when we see other. We see others pop up on the screen. They're like, $30 million, $39 million in a year. And she's like, I'm the CEO, and I average 6.9 million a year. I'm like, girl, am I right or wrong? Why am I shaming Jennifer, Yo? I don't even know.
A
I don't know. I'm all for it, though.
B
The math just hit me. Okay, so we go to the meeting. She's like, everyone ready for the sales meeting? And they're like, oh, crumble, grumble. Copies for clothes. There's old man Perk up. He's like, all right, Jack. Lemon's like, okay. So she's like, okay, everybody welcome. Who? Nobody wants charcuterie. Come on, guys. That cost me 15 at the heap. Does anyone.
A
Gina's like, I do. I'm starving. So she goes over, and she's, like, the only one to touch it. It's like. It's like Raiders of the Lost Ark. You pick up, like, a piece of cheese, and a giant boulder comes rolling towards you. So.
B
And you know that she just did that for the cameras, because people are like, I'm not touching that. But what. What is that new foreign shark charcuteti, or whatever they would call it on this show because no one could pronounce it. You know, it's Bravo.
A
But by the way, it's, like, not convenient charcuterie. Because everyone has to sit almost like they're in a movie theater. It's, like rows of people all facing Jennifer, yo. And then there's, like, a platter of charcuterie right in the center in the front. So if you wanted just to have some charcuterie, you have to come all the way to the front. You have to be like, excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me, sorry. Excuse me, sorry. I just want to get over. No one's gonna do that. And everyone's afraid they're gonna have a grape in their tooth. So, like, if they're all sitting around selling sunset style on a sofa, I can get it. But this was not conducive to having charcuterie.
B
Oh, so we're right now no more keto Diet you fat. I feel like that's what people would be thinking about me, because I would be like, I'm on an all protein diet, Guys, it's amazing. I've never felt charcuterie. I'll have some crackers and some cheese, please. Are you Fat bastard? I hate having to publicly choose a charcuterie.
A
So Jennifer gives us a little insight into things. She says, Utah is a patriarchal society. And I've been told I run a Barbie brokerage. And I've been told I bedazzle my agents because that's what a woman would do. But I just say, barbie the billionaire. How's that? I'm like, well, Barbie's already a billionaire, girl.
B
Like, Barbie has a dream house.
A
Yeah, she started there.
B
Yeah, like, Barbie's already a billionaire. Also, as she says this, we pan over the crowd, girl. This is not bedazzled agents. These are polyester old men. What are you trying to sell me? You think just because you say Barbied agents, you're gonna pan around and I'm not gonna see Jack Lemmon Times? Getting there. No, it's Jack Lemming. There's a couple of Walter Mathaus even.
A
Yeah, it's a crossover movie.
B
Don't gaslight me with your Barbie the billionaire.
A
So, I mean, I think I saw Chad's palmatarian there somewhere. So we're back in the meeting, and Jennifer's like, okay, let's talk about wants and needs. This is the power of coming together. You force them to come together to listen to you.
B
That's like a gift. That's a gift I've always wanted. So they're, like, collaborating in house to get more listings and buyers. So. And also, this is one thing that Jennifer yo keeps doing. Okay, guys, so here we are. We've had 1 trillion kabillion 5t in sales. Well, that's right. And just last month alone, we had 18,019,087, fom,billion dollars. She keeps wooing herself.
A
First we meet Tina, who has been an agent for 11 years, and she's made $99 million in lifetime sales, which, by the way, that's better than Jennifer because Jennifer made 118 over 17 years, and Tina's made 99 million over 11 years. So actually, Tina's rate is much higher. So think about that, everyone who's counting and cares. Yeah, all three.
B
And so Tina's like, in Utah, I'm a unicorn. And of course, I immediately thought, she's the swinger who just goes with everybody. Right? Because that's what we learned on Salt Lake City, because Brittany calls herself a unicorn. And then someone emailed us and was like, a unicorn is a swinger. Sling for a single woman that can go with. She's unattached. So when they're swinging, she can go with anybody. She, you know, they can just pick her and they don't have to. The husband, too. So that's supposedly what all that meant. But, you know, I don't know what, what I believe in a Reddit comment or an email, but everything, let's be honest, I believe everything, but that's what we learned. So that's what I thought she meant. But no, she meant actually unicorn, because she's black, she's lesbian, she's a single mom, she's got amazing tits. Tits. She's got phenomenal cheekbones. She's funny, she's ambitious, she's clever, she's got a great ass. Did she mention the tits? Oh, unicorn.
A
And then, then after she says all this, we see this guy Matt, and he's like, he's like, sort of giving. He's giving like Tina, like a nasty look. But we also discover that that's kind of his resting face. So then we hear Matt and he's like, tina Edwards is ex Mormon. And I don't know how Tina feels about Mormons, but I do know when people leave the church, they tend to become bitter towards it. And, yeah, actually, usually. Or the church becomes bitter to them. I, I think there's. Yet you're not a bombshell revelation there, because a lot of people have had pretty terrible experiences with the Mormon Church, so congrats.
B
Yeah, for good reason, you little tattletale. So we automatically know he's the villain. Tattletale. He's like, I'm more Mormon than you, and I'm gonna try and get more business because I'm more religious than you. He of the most evil villains we've ever seen, not because of Mormonism, but because of somebody using the religion against you, which we're going to be seeing a lot probably in the coming years. And I've seen it a lot in the past, throughout history. These people who are just, like, going to cling to whatever success they can by acting like they're more religious than everybody else and getting everybody else murdered and burnt at the stake for not being as religious as them. You frowny face, little. And you know what? I did not press record on the dvr. So when I was like, o, that show's on, I forgot I had to start watching it in the middle because it wasn't recording. So I didn't see this scene when I started watching it. And I was like, he's not so bad. Like, why does Tina hate him? Like, he's. He doesn't seem that bad. I mean, he's maybe a little annoying. And, yes, he's probably failing upwards and all that, but I didn't think it was this bad. And then I saw this, and I was like, oh, you little snake. Yeah, you sneaky little snake.
A
He's like. Like, the. The comparison to Slade Smiley is apt. Like, they. They. They seem like they are pretty much the same person. So now we transition over to Malaysia, who I really hope is Malaysian, because I'm wondering why she's called.
B
It's awkward. It is awkward, but it's awkward even if you're Asian. I mean, what if my name was, like, kind of Lebanese? Like, half Lebanese? Ronnie, or just not even Ronnie. Just, hey, hey, half leb hole.
A
So she's now walking in slow mo. And she. She twirls. She does the thing. She twirls in slow motion with her arms in the air. And then she's on a balcony overlooking mountains. And we see that she's been doing this for two years as an agent, and she's made 30 million in lifetime sales. That means she's averaging 15 million a year. 15 million a year. So she's doing even better than everyone else so far. So killing it. She goes, when I came back to Presidio, I knew that all eyes were on me.
B
Everyone's wondering where you got that outfit. It's terrible, girl. It's terrible. And then we see Kenny, who's another persnickety little blonde white guy, and he's like, well, what? I think that Malaysia coming back to Presidio is a very bold move. Even bolder than me plucking my eyebrows down to an extremely thin line. And her willingness to quickly be all in. I'm a little suspicious. It'd be very, very easy for her to jump ship back to where she was. Well, it's not the case with anybody. Give Malaysia a break, dude.
A
Yeah, tiny brows. The men are so insecure on this show already, like, right out of the gate. They are just already, like, plotting and undermining the women, and I'm not gonna stand for it. Let Malaysia be free.
B
Yeah. Let Malaysia and her stupid name be free.
A
Yeah. She goes, right.
B
Either right. Is it?
A
No, it is. It is. It is. At least it is in our notes. Maybe. Let's see. Malaysia. Malaysia.
B
How do you spell Malaysia?
A
I'm gonna look it up because I'm.
B
Not very bright, you know? And I'll admit it. Yeah. Malaysia's that's how it's spelled. I thought it was M Y, L A, S, I A. So you see, that's where. That's how educated I am.
A
0 wait, she is, wait a second. She is the. She is the wife to former NFL player Alani Fua. Wait a second. Alani Fua. Oh, Alani Fua. I was wondering why this football player recently followed us. I was like, why does random NFL player follow watcher grins. That's. There's the connection. So he's married to Malaysia. Look at that. Malaysia is married to a football player. Sorry. So, huh. I love, I love connecting dots. So Malaysia is like. Even though I am lds, I don't fully agree with a lot of the things set forth in our church. And as far as drinking and partying and stuff, of course I get side eyed. But you know what I do when I get side eye? I do this and it puts in middle fingers. You got Malaysian?
B
Yeah, I mean, I just think it's like okay to not be Mormon, but I don't live in that town, so I'm like, why bother? You know? But I think you just need the contacts. So like you got to go to temple, you got to make the contacts. And that's just how it is.
A
So they literally. Actually the optometrist literally will not give you contacts if you're not, you're not Mormon. It's crazy. You cannot get any sort of contact.
B
You know, you start to walk around with fuzzy vision. So then Markup Edens. Yeah. So then Tina is talking about a listing that she has. And because they're basically giving each other. They're like, I need help with my listing. I need help with my listing. And so they start doing that and we start seeing some of the homes, which as we learned very quickly, all the house kind of look the same, right? They're big boxes with like 50ft ceilings. I mean there are a lot of ceilings. Lots of ceilings. Huge.
A
Lots of, lots of. You can be very tall. And so we're back at the sales meeting and Jennifer's like, okay, everyone, let's talk about the new listings this week. Let me guess. Modern farmhouse? Who has a modern farmhouse? Please tell me there's a modern farmhouse. And so Kenny, Kenny starts talking about him. He has a listing. And then he's like, we see the listing. He's like walking alongside a pool. And he's been doing this for 12 years as an agent and he's made $153 million.
B
And Kenny's like, I firmly believe God plays A massive role in my real estate success. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10. Being a star member of the Church of Latter Day Saints, I'd call myself a 12 out of 10. Wait, so this is. Wait, is Kenny the guy with the little eyebrows or the guy with the squish face?
A
Little eyebrows? He's the one.
B
Oh, okay.
A
I shouldn't look like a pocket.
B
That was squished face.
A
Yeah, but Kenny. Kenny looks like a kind of like a pocket sized Blake Griffin. You know Blake Griffin. Either way, if you look him up, he's like a little pocket sized version of that. And he's apparently very, very, very, very Mormon. So Jennifer is. Then we come back to the meeting and Jennifer's like, all right, everyone, we're looking for a realtor of the year again. Last year we had Matt. Matt, stand up. Now sit down now stand up. Okay, move to the left. Now sit down again. God, it's so fun to do that. Okay, Matt, now seriously stand up this time. So Matt's like, hi, everyone. I'm the best realtor here. I am such a good realtor of the year. I've got tons and tons of listings. Don't mind me. I love Toyotas.
B
Yeah, he's the religious tattletale. Yeah. And Matt squish face also. So then. And we'll find out more about Matt later, which is. Well, actually, just who cares? Spoiler alert. Matt won Realtor of the year, but he just had to trade in all his cars for Toyota because he can't afford anything because he can't sell anything except his brother in law's house, which he still hasn't sold. So how did Matt get Realtor of the year? Like, this is so typical. Like, here comes this hot blonde guy and he gets Realtor over the year because he works out the most. That is okay. I don't like it. And she's like, oh, my God, my little underdog. Matt is not an underdog. The world is handed to Matt. Okay?
A
Yeah, he's an overdog. So Tina, Tina says to us, if you ask me who has used car salesman energy pouring from their pores, I would say Matt Jones. So now it's time for Matt's slow motion introduction. So he's walking slow mo and he's like, yeah, I have to double what I did last year. And I am not going back to selling freeze dried food storage to Mormons. Sure. I was like, whoa, that got strange.
B
Specific.
A
That was a specific backstory there. I love his.
B
I actually love his confessionals. I think the Most on the whole show. Because every time I'm like, what? And he's always trying to do some kind of burn, but it's like what the did he just say? So he's like, sure, Mormons love Brian buying freeze dried food, but they also love buying houses. Snap. Like what, what did you.
A
Sorry. Whitney on Secret Lives of Mormon Wives did not tell me about this. So therefore I'm pretty sure it does not exist because she is my go to for all things crazy for Mormonism.
B
But this is very Whitney from Salt Lake City though, to be like, Mormons love buying. Mormons love buying freeze dried food, but they also love buying houses. Is.
A
Is there, there must be some story with this. Is it because of large families that they need to buy freeze dried food?
B
Also why are we maybe like end of end of the world? Maybe like prepping Also like why is.
A
He not saying freezer? Like he's like, I am not going back to selling freeze dried food storage. I'm like, freezers?
B
No, no, no, no. He means freeze dried. Like space food. You know how they freeze dry food? It's like if haven't you had space ice cream? It's freeze dried and you open it and it' all the liquid out of it. So it's not so in space. I guess you add liquid to it or something.
A
Well, what is freeze dried food storage? Isn't that just then like pantry bugs or.
B
I think he sells the containers for the freeze dried food. I don't know, like Tupperware for freeze dried food.
A
In my mind I was thinking like desiccated coconut or whatever that was like frozen. I was, I don't know. But like now it's gotten even weirder.
B
Yeah, it's freeze dried food we should look at up guys. We're going to learn so much on this show.
A
Mormons and freeze dried.
B
Why do Mormons like freeze dried food? Let's see. It says Mormons often favor freeze dried food because of their strong emphasis on food storage and emergency preparedness. Oh, it is, it is prep. You guys, I'm very smart. I. I may not know how to spell Malaysia, but I can see a prepper, okay. As their religious teachings encourage them to be prepared for potential hardships by stockpiling non perishable food food. You guys, after all this bitching about Mormonism, I could totally be Mormon because you know, when the pandemic happened, guess who people needed to come to you for toilet paper towels? Me. I had them up to wazoo. I had so many because I ordered them every If I want ice cream off of doordash or Instacart, but I don't have a whole order, I'll order like a big thing of paper towels because you'll always use them someday. And so I ended up having a whole room full of paper towels.
A
Wow.
B
I'm basically, I'm Ronnie Smith.
A
I still don't know exactly what freeze dried food storage is though. Is it just jars? I'm looking online, I'm looking at images. Looks like it's just jars. Was he selling jars?
B
I think freeze dried food storage and why. Glad you signed up for Patreon, by the way.
A
How did you hate it? He's like, I'm not going back, back. I'm not going back to selling freeze dried food storage.
B
To me it looks like big plastic containers of stuff. It's like Costco, Costco storage stuff.
A
Is it modular?
B
Okay, so now they're in the. They're back to the sales meeting. And Malaysia's like, whoa, whoa. Real quick. Sarah Martindale just listed this week. It's a five bedroom, five bath. If anyone can help Sarah, that would be great. My name's Malaysia. And then we see pictures and this Jennifer yo is like, where is Sarah anyway? Flash to Sarah's neighborhood or show a house that Sarah is showing. And she's like praying in another language, which I don't realize, I don't recognize right off the bat. And the subtitles are like, lord, may you bring the right buyer to this house in Jesus name. Amen. And then we transition. We see Sarah and she's gorgeous. Squirrel's like, beautiful and she's like holding flowers. She looks like a young gorgeous bride, darling. She's looking in the mirror and smiling at herself.
A
She's also our lowest earning realtor because she's six years as an agent and has only made $28 million, which is an average of about like just under 500, 000 a year compared to someone like the other.
B
No, no. 28 million.
A
28 million. 28 million divided by six.
B
You're getting my disease. I'm wearing.
A
I'm sorry, that's. I'm sorry, that's only about 5 million per year as opposed to other. Everyone else was at like 9 million and at like 15 million. I'm just saying.
B
She's at 4.81 6.666 million. Whoa. That is. And she might be the villain. And that's what her number came out too. There's a 666 in it. Everybody watch out.
A
Hello, ladies. And germs boys and girls, the Grinch is back again to ruin your Christmas season with Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast. After last year, he's learned a thing or two about hosting, and he's ready to rant against Christmas cheer and roast his celebrity guests like chestnuts on an open fire. You can listen with the whole family as guest stars like Jon Hammond, Brittany Broski, and Danny DeVito try to persuade the mean old Grinch that there's a lot to love about the insufferable holiday season. But that's not all. Somebody stole all the children of Whoville's letters to Santa, and everybody thinks the Grinch is responsible. It's a real Whoville Whodunnit. Can Cindy Lou and Max help clear the Grinch's name? Grab your hot cocoa and cozy slippers. To find out, follow Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Unlock weekly Christmas mystery bonus content and listen to every episode ad free by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app, Spotify or Apple Podcasts. So she moved from Brazil eight years ago, and then she met Chris. And then we hear Matt again.
B
Matt.
A
I think Matt's our squish face. And he's like, her husband is a broker at a different brokerage. I don't know why Jen allowed that. She's sleeping with the enemy. So then Sarah's like, when I saw with Jy, she was very supportive and we became close friends. But lately I would say she's been a little slippery. I tried to grab her and like, a bloop, bloop.
B
So then I was like, and then we see this house showing, and guess who she's showing it to. Hi.
A
Love that.
B
Love that. Oh, my God. Is this the front door? This is like the biggest front door I've ever seen. Saying, I love that.
A
Yeah, I just got back from London and I spent, like, so much money at Prada. They invited me to warm up.
B
I was like, thank you. So then we see the Baso party from Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. And Sarah was there, and Lisa like, oh, my God.
A
Sara. Hi. Yeah. And that, like, opening party when it seemed like there are all these random people who are auditioning to become friends of Sarah was one of them. So Sarah tells us Lisa's not sure between buying or selling a house, but honestly, this is a huge opportunity for me, and, like, we're talking lots of money. So how do you say cha, cha ching cha cha cha ching, ching cha. Maybe our cashier machine sounds different. In Brazil. I do imagine the cash machines in Brazil are just like samba music playing. Like you, you press, you press the button. It's like.
B
You just get a moment.
A
It's just like a lady in like a bikini with like feathers everywhere. It's like your cashier.
B
It's like the, the lady of the dancing emoji of the lady in the red. So we see the listing. It's huge. It's a huge box with giant ceilings, etc, just like all of them, mountain views. Now let me tell you, this show, these shows, and I think just life in general has made Utah super popular lately. Like, it's a very trendy place to be and a lot of people are moving there, just popping out babies by the truckload. And they still have so much undeveloped land because every one of these houses except the poor, the not poor people, but like the middle class live in these like row houses. Like Whitney, you know, she lives in that farmhouse row house area. But the other homes have just nothing but land. I mean, you can see miles and miles of land. How do they have that much? And are they running out of water? What's happening?
A
Yeah, well, the west, it's a lot of land out there. So Lisa's like, oh my God, the ceilings are low. Meanwhile it's like cathedral ceilings. And then I need like 20 to 30. Yeah, they say go that they look at the home gym. There's like, like swings and stuff. And it's like, it's a whole thing. And Lisa's like, yo, what are we doing here? Is like, wow. Like, what does she do? Is, hey, does the homeowner. Is she like a swing or. Got it, cuz the swings. Got it, got it.
B
So then Lisa's like, okay, well here's what I need. In my home, we have to have a pool, a long driveway, a red light and a dry sauna. We have to have a guest house, a salon, spray, Town stations, Taco Bell, Wendy's, KitKat. You know, I get sprayed a lot. And then when we have we, I'd like to get my kids kick my Kit Kat sprayed too. So if we could have a Kit Kat spray room too, that would be great.
A
And Sarah's like, yeah, you'll have to build. She goes, oh my God. All right, I'm gonna pray for you. So now we go back to the sales meeting and it's like wrapping up. And then Tina and Matt like go off to an office. And Tina's like, like, hey, why don't you pop a squat? Matt? He's like, okay, what's up? It's like, well, you have a secret, and I need you to be open and honest. You know, I swear to God, every time I hear that phrase, I start to cringe. Even in this show, I'm like, I know this has nothing to do with Kyle Richards, but I'm already, like, bracing. I was like, don't. Don't say that.
B
So this show's also laying it on really thick with, like, here's the enemies of the show, Tina and Matt. So she's like, matt, welcome to my office. Puppet squat. Matt.
A
What?
B
And then she's just doing this in her chair where she's, like, swiveling wildly in her chair, which makes me crazy. It's such a power move. And Matt's like, okay, I guess I'll just sit here and watch a swivel for a while. Okay.
A
And they film it, like, sort of like there's kind of like, almost like, not artifacts, but there's, like, if they make it look like they're filming around the corner. Like, actually, guys, what you're watching right now is something that wasn't even supposed to be on camera. We know this because the camera people can't get in there. We're peeking into, like, a conversation. Like, it's so intense, it can't even be on camera, but we're catching it.
B
We're like, God, he's always watching. So she's like, so you have a secret? A pop. Secret. Delicious. And she's like, I need to be open and honest. There's talk that you've been telling people that I don't believe in God, and I hate Mormons. And he's like, you don't believe in God? That sounds so, like. Like, I mean, I'm gonna throw something out and see what sticks.
A
Honestly, I need you to understand. We live in a state that's 60% Mormon, and so that's, like, a lie. My daughters are. Are Mormon. I don't know why I said it like that. My daughter's okay. It's like automatic Ramona voice. My clients are Mormon. That's a big deal. It affects my business. Like, this is how I feed my family. I feed the Mormons, okay?
B
He's like, well, I feed my family Fruit Roll Ups, and you still eat them. What's the point? And she's like, recently, I lost out on a big transaction, and the client is, like, really heavy in the ch, and rumors swirl, and business gets lost. They do not call this small Lake City for nothing. And Matt's like, What? I would never. That's crazy. Bring someone that's actually heard that from my mouth. Matt, we just heard it from your mouth. You literally just sat in the confessional, was like, well, she's not Mormon. And we know. I don't know how she feels about God, but we know that they're bitter. We know that they're bitter after. So we've heard you, Matt. We've heard your bullshit, and you did say this, so just cop to it.
A
Gina's like, well, my best friend said you took her to lunch. And you were like, well, you know she doesn't believe in God, right? And Matt's like, well, I wouldn't go around badmouthing people. That's just not my game. She goes, I don't believe you. And by the way, we know he would go around badmouthing people because the first thing we heard from his mouth was him bad mouthing Tina. Yeah.
B
So, yeah, he's a liar. So she's like, well, I would describe Matthew as a gossipy, fake, too faced, squish face. And so Matt's like, well, I know that Tina hates me, and I don't like to speak neg negatively about people, but do I like her? Not at all. We've worked together in the past, and it was a. A total. A nightmare working with a godless heathen like Tina who hates God, but I would never say that.
A
And then we see a flashback to Jennifer meeting with Tina and Matt. This is an example of them, like, working together and went badly. And Jennifer's like, I would like you two to work on this VIP client thing, get together. And then Tina, Gringes and Matt, like, I'd like to take the lead on this one. And then we come back, it's like, wow. Well.
B
And then they show another scene where then Tina's like, hey, we're gonna work on something together. And I'd like to take the lead on this one. I was like, okay, guys, we get it. Your enemies, you know, they're like, okay, change your blazer. And then let's shoot a scene in the snack room. But this time, Tina, you say you want to be in charge. She's like, got it. Got it. Maddie, okay with this. Okay. I. I'm okay with it. God hater. Jk. Jk. Oh, my God. Add a Rowling to my end. And I could have written Harry Potter because I' okay, okay, Matt, you're hilarious. Okay, shoot. Well, we hate each other.
A
So we go back to Tina's office and Malaysia walks, and she's like, hello, is everything okay in here? Malaysia's entering. And Tina's like, matt, if I come to you with real and you're not man enough to take it. And Matt's like, my perception is incorrect according to you. And Tina's like, well, you're not used to people coming to you with real shit. What are you talking?
B
So stupid. And neither one of them makes any sense because he goes, yeah, my perception. What does that mean? My perception is incorrect according to you. You're not used to people coming at you with. He goes, okay. And she goes, still talking. It's like, oh, God. So he just leaves. And Tina's like, oh, he can't handle it. He just can't handle it. Malaysia's like, I'm Malaysia.
A
So thank God I walked in here, made sure everything was okay. So then Malaysia goes, what happens in the dark always comes to light. Thanks, Malaysia.
B
Look at Malaysia talking.
A
Why is she walking into offices and saying that? So stupid. So now we go to Jennifer. Slow motion. Jennifer's going to a listing at Elk Court. And everything is white. It's just white on white on white and white. And there's a young couple. Their. Their names are Brand, Brandon and Emily. And they meet Jennifer and they've got a baby and they. I guess this is. They're selling their house. And so they're showing the house around. They're showing Jennifer around the house. And there is a primary bedroom that is temple inspired. So if you've. I mean, if you ever just wanted to get a nice big primary bedroom and feel like you're in a temple while you're having sex, this is the house for you.
B
Hi. We have a whole primary bedroom based on a nativity scene. And the bed is the. Is the manger. So anybody want a Jesus's bed? Anybody? Anybody want to do that? Hot. Hot. Sounds great. What a seller. So they look around, this the guy, what a goober the husband is. And you know, this is one of those towns where I think a lot of goober husbands marry really hot wives. Yeah, it's a wild wife is gorgeous. And the husband is a goober. He's a khaki and he's. He's still in the short, short. The white short sleeve shirt, you know, that they wear in Book of Mormon. He's like basically in his Book of Mormon costume from the Broadway show, and he's like, that's just on primary. So I was like, yes. So they go look at it. And Jennifer's like, God is everywhere here. Literally everywhere. So. And to illustrate this, we see that they have double washers and double dryers.
A
I mean, yeah, they got double. Watch. Double dryers. Because they were gonna. I mean, when we talk about that, Mormons really want to prepare. I mean, geez. A double washer. Double dryer. They. I mean, how many kids are they gonna have?
B
They wash, they dry, and they freeze dry. Your grapes.
A
Always be washing and drying. So, yeah, they are going to. I. I can't believe they have the double washer. Double try. That really caught me off guard. So Jennifer then says she doesn't remember all of her clients kids names, but she remembers the names of all her clients dogs. So that's nice.
B
Hilarious. She's just ready for this.
A
So then we go see Malaysia's like, whatever's in the dark comes out in the light. Am I right, everyone? Malaysia. Stop saying that. That.
B
So then we go over to the house that Matt's showing and. Oh, no, we go to his actual house. We go to Matt's little house, and there's kids everywhere. It's like 97 children, and they're all named crazy things. Well, not all of them. One. One. He's got an Addie. That's normal. And Enzo. That's normal. And a Leo, which is normal. And then they have a Dallin, which I think was their first. But then they couldn't just keep coming up with silly names like, oh, gosh, we already have an Allen with the D at the. At the beginning. Should we have a John with a m at the mon. I don't think so. Maybe people will think he's singing reggae. Okay, well, what else should we do? Should we have a Sam with a d in the mid. In the start? A Damn. I like damn, but that's kind of a curse word. I don't want to get thrown out of town. Let's just go with Enzo.
A
Let me tell you something. These children, their names are the clue to a hidden treasure because they're a crypto wallet. You put them all.
B
It's square, card, hard.
A
Dallin, Addie, Enzo, Leo. It's like. Wait, Say it fast. Dallin, Addie, Enzo, Leo. Dallin, Addie. And Zalio. Dalia. Leo. Oh, my God. I know where the treasure is. It's in the mall.
B
Kids, it's me, Malaysia. She pops up out of a genie bottle.
A
It turns out that's the phrase. Malaysia's just been a genie all this time, waiting to be summoned. Daliani, Eddie. Dallin, Addienza, Leo. Oh, I've been released.
B
So his wife, his Harried, wife. And I'm not saying Harry. I'm just saying harried, because you can tell she does everything. She's just, like, exhausted. She's slapping peanut butter on sandwiches, getting the kids running around, you know, roping them. She's got a rope in one hand where she's roping one kid climbing from off a ledge while she's making a sandwich. She's bathing the other one in the sink. She's, you know, braiding the other one's hair up in the rafters. I'm like, damn, girl.
A
She's. She is. She is. And she is elbow deep in that instant pot. I mean, she is, like, scooping out gruel for these children because they are, like, they're on a shoestring budget, and she is making, like, the beans of whatever, like that instant pot.
B
Why would they call. Why would they call a pot that takes literal, literally the longest out of any other pot in your kitchen? Why would they call it an instant pot? It's like the weirdest branding I've ever heard.
A
I don't know. I'm sure there's some reason. And as far as I'm concerned, what was happening in the dark is going to come out in the light. Instant pot.
B
So she's Jennifer and Braid and Brett. Jennifer is talking to Brandon and Emily, and she's like. They say. Because I guess that's the wife. She's like. So they say, if you make beautiful children, you should continue to make beautiful. Oh, no, no. This is Jennifer, yo. Back at her listing. So she's like, well, guys, you know, you should build another. Because I think this house is worth $3.5 million. I mean, there's so many nice furnishings is. People can. At the temple.
A
And. And there's. And then you can really clean those sheets afterwards. Like, you'll never worry about how quickly you can have to clean your. Your temple. Your temple semen stain sheets, because you got a lot of washers and dryers. So then we go back to Matt's house, and Matt tells us. I was 22 when I met Nicole and had served a mission in Brazil. And after two months of dating, I asked her to marry me at an Olive Garden garden. Because when you're here, your family. Anyway, people get married young and that. But he said that that wasn't us. That was. He said that people get married young in the church because they want to start a family young. And then we hear, like, whoa, what went wrong there? Yeah, I guess.
B
Well, maybe some of them just want to have sex. But personally, I want to have as many breadsticks as this woman could have eaten. I want to have many children as this woman could have eaten breadstick sticks. Sorry, I got confused. So then back to Matt's. So then we see him pulling out Enzo's tooth, which is loose. And then his wife Nicole is like, tell me about your work, honey. I'm like, oh, my God, is she changing the oil on the car while she's making a French toast? This woman literally can do everything.
A
Matt's like, hold on, I'm getting a five dollar bid on this tooth on ebay. So gotta make the ends meet.
B
So he says for $3, it's from someone named Malaysia. It' job.
A
He's like, things are a little rough. My one listing is my sister and brother in law's house. And we've had to make some sacrifices. Got rid of the Escalade. Now I'm driving a Toyota Camry. It's like, oh, the shame. And actually it is kind of shameful because when we see the Toyota Camry, we see it's like an old Toyota Camry. It's like an old used Toyota Camry. It's sad. It's not like a 2023 or something, you know?
B
So he's not doing well, which is why he's going to get witches burnt at the stake for the Mormon church. So he's like, yeah, it's rough, but my wife even has to work and bring in money. Oh, gosh, she has to work. Oh. Which is really hard because they've got 97 children. Like, it's a lot of work. I do not. It's gotta suck. And she's making the dinner and she's doing to this and she's doing to that. And I think he's cheating on her. I'm just saying it right now. I think the man is cheating on her. He's giving me slimy cheater vibes. I think everybody on the show could be gay women and men. I don't really understand the sexuality in that town, but I'm getting Sean Cody cheater vibes.
A
Do we think he did a mission in Brazil? Do you think he knew Sarah from back in Brazil? Do you think that's his big secret?
B
Oh, I don't know. But no, his secret is that he's. He's telling people that Tina are godless.
A
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So now. But like, Nicole, his wife, is like very patient and she's like, I know you're trying the best that you can. And like, I appreciate all your sacrifices. So, anyway, let me get back to serving food out of this. This bottomless instant pot, and then I'll get back to my five jobs.
B
I'm sorry, I'm gonna need some to add some more milk to this dry corn that you. You brought home from your last job that we're still eating off of.
A
Hold on, Matt. Let me just put this instant pot under your eyes so I can capture your tears for seasoning.
B
Okay, so now we go back to Matt's house. House, and. Well, no, we don't. We go to Trixie. Choir music. And then we see Tina's house. So now we're going to Tina's. And this is her first house since divorcing her husband. And so I'm getting pink and gold. And that's what she does. Everything's pink and gold.
A
Yeah. And Tina is like, I was married to a man for nine years, and we got married in the LDS Church. And then she realized that after, like, she started to just become disenchanted with the church, especially after realizing that, like, black men couldn't even hold the priesthood in late 70s. So she started to even wonder, like, why does she even want to be in this church? But she has two kids. And then two years ago, she met her partner, bj, and that's.
B
That's when she came out a lesbian named bj. The irony. So then she's talking about how she'd never gotten an orgasm from a man. That should have been a clue. And then guess who comes over. Jennifer. Yo, what are you doing here? Jennifer? Like, hi, someone who sold $16 million in 97 years. Like, to welcome myself to your home. Hello, it's me, Jennifer. Yo.
A
So she's like. Jennifer's like, you know what? Wherever Sarah goes, there's Chris.
B
That.
A
Chris is. Jenna is Sarah's husband. She's like, there's Chris, who just took 15 of our top producing agents. And then we see a flashback of Sarah. Sarah at home with Chris. And Sarah's like, things are getting to be a little weird in the office with Jen. And we go back to Tina's house, and Jennifer's like, I mean, I literally look like I look. I said, come on in. Come be an informer. And they literally go to church. How many times a week don't they teach you just to be honest at church?
B
And Tina's like, girl, he took one of my best friends who's in the industry after lunch and told her that I don't believe in God. And then Jennifer's like, well, I already got an earful from Matt about their confrontation. And I just want them to be professional and get along because listen, no fighting. Go to your separate corners. You're in timeout. Okay? And so Tina continues, she's like, and I never said that, but he 1000% said it about me. And especially as women in this industry in a male dominated state, you gotta grow a pain hair. And I'm talking about tits like mine.
A
Because I feel like women are stronger than men. So you gotta grow a pair of tits. And then Malaysia pops up. Well, whatever's in the dark is going to come out in the light. Am I right? Girlfriends? High five.
B
So then we go to mat broker open and it's sad because we know it is a. What is that called when you're. You give something to your family?
A
Bone. I'm a bone.
B
No, like when, like when you give your. When you give your son the job of president of the company. Nepotism. Yeah, we know it's a nepotism open house. So that's sad, you know. So he rolls up in his little toy, huh?
A
Matt's putting the Poe in nepotism.
B
Yeah. And they're putting up the little flags in front of the house and stuff.
A
Stuff. His covered wagon arrives like, well there's.
B
One thing I learned about growth and about challenges. It's that you cannot have growth without challenges. It's like, oh God, any stupid too.
A
You knew you learned about two words in a phrase. So he comes in and he's like he's doing some sort of prep with a hot guy. There was like some hot guy that was helping him and then he just disappeared. The hot guy. And he's like, yeah, like they're gonna judge me about two things, the house and the charcuterie board. And then like a berry falls off and just like on the, just on the floor just lying there. So Jennifer arrives first because she's like wow, Matt, he's cute but he's dumb as rocks. So I gotta make sure he's doing okay because they're all like wow. This is Matt's first time with the brokers open. Matt doesn't normally sell houses that are above a million dollars. Matt normally sells two hundred thousand dollar split level ranches that got rejected from house hunters. So this is, he's really out of make sure he's doing everything right.
B
And then we see that he, we see why he's a failure because he's just lazy and doesn't do anything right. He leaves cat litter that's full A cat litter box out that's full. And he's like, who cares? And then he leaves all these bathroom products on the counters. And she's like, why are these here? And he's like, I told him to get rid of those. But then they cut to him telling his assistant, just leave him there. It's lived in. So he's a liar, he's lazy, and he's unprepared. So that's what we're seeing, and that's why we see that he's evil, you know, And I'm glad they showed all this stuff on the show. And then Jennifer's like, I really believe in him. He's my great white hope. Which might not be the right way to put it, but actually it tracks. So I'll keep it. Keep it. He's really hot.
A
So, yeah, when she sees the cat litter, she's like, what is this doing here? And he's like, because the cats. Because if they have to go. She goes, well, where are the cats? He's like, in the basement. She's like, well, put this in the basement. So then they put it in the basement, but they put, like, a GoPro in the kitty litter or something, because there's, like, this shot from within the kitty litter looking up at Matt's face, and then you see him bringing the box down in the basement, leaving it there. I'm like, did you just put your expensive camera equipment in kitty litter? That's what I want to know for production.
B
So then the realtors start coming in. You know, the realtors are there, the brokers, whatever, or realtors. They're all there. And so Malaysia's there. And she's like. Comes out of a teapot. She's like. She's like, whoa. So this is your sister's house. I didn't know you had a Hispanic background until you mentioned your sister. And he's like, oh, we're not Hispanic. She goes, what are you? He's like, white. Are you teaming up with Tina right now? Are you teaming up with Tina right now? Malaysia.
A
And we see a picture of Matt's sister, Meg, and basically, like, she looks very Latina. And Malaysia's. Malaysia's like, well, she's very tan. And so are you. Do you tan? Do you get Botox? Malaysia. Really? Got a. Got a case to crack here.
B
Yeah. And then Kenny is there as well. Little brows. And he's like, it's called a Brotox, actually. And they're like, yeah, it's definitely called Brotox. And they're like, no one's face is moving. They're.
A
And then Matt starts giving a tour around this house which looks like every other house we've seen. And his voice gets very serious and he starts talking and they kind of like overlay him on the tour. And he's like, he's talking about like how there's a scripture in the LDS faith that says establish yourself a house. And he talks about like how important this is. And there's like piano music playing and everything. He goes, that's why my real estate age agent. People need to estab. Establish themselves a house.
B
You see what he's doing? He's even using their religion to sell. He's like, look at me, I'm the best because I just became okay Matt. Okay. And he also says something in this. Like the, the verse said something like, establish a house, but always be prepared and organized.
A
It did. Yes.
B
So I guess that is back to the kind of area air dried food or whatever.
A
Yeah, there's like a Costco. A Costco shelf, they said where you could walk in and just put your Costco stuff right on the shelf.
B
Yes. Yes. I've never seen that, have you?
A
No, I. I loved it.
B
That was cool. There was like a door with like a mini. It looks like a doggy door and you just shove stuff in there. So you can just come home and shove everything in there. I don't know. I don't know who does. I don't know who puts it all away way. But it's an interesting door. So then now Matt's giving Malaysia a tour. And then Tina enters, they're kind of cordial and she's like, I'm here for the charcuterie. Oh God, hilarious. So then Sarah comes and, and she's the Brazilian who's stealing listings for her husband. So everyone's like, dun dun dun dun dun d. She's like, there's something going on between me and Jennifer, yo. But I don't know why. And then we switched to Jennifer. She's like, maybe last month's Chris Brokerage rec. Two of my brokers, their whole office is like maybe my top producers.
A
So the producers clearly told Sarah, when you walk in, sit down with Jennifer and ask her what's going on between you two. Sarah's like, hello, Something weird between us. Would you like to speak right now? Want to have conversation in middle of this broker open that smells like kitty litter. It's like, what?
B
And Jennifer's like, yeah. And I sent your husband a text and I said, hey, why I'm reaching out to you when. When this is happening. Why aren't you reaching out to me? And why don't you know why? You said, jen, this has got to be awkward because you've been kind enough to let Sarah be a Presidio, and he hasn't even let me know.
A
It's none of his fault, though. Like, do you. Did you forget I brought five agents to Presidio? I mean, they're all leaving. I don't know why. It's not my fault. Jennifer's like, oh, really? Are they going to Real? Because I guess. Is that the name of Chris's brokerage? Real?
B
Yeah.
A
So real. Yeah. So then we see, like, Tina and Malaysia are like, by the SH board listening in. And they're like, oh, my God, this is crazy.
B
And Sarah's like, I have no idea where they're going. And she's like, oh, really? Well, do you really think I'm bringing agents? Oh, she goes, do you really think I'm bringing agents from Presidio to my husband's brokerage, Real, which is so accessible, anybody can call it right now using the Google.
A
Jennifer's like, let's not do this in public. And then she just leaves the listing. I was like, well, I understand you want to be professional, but also, why are you leaving the listing? She just walks out.
B
Yeah, you're leaving. Fire her ass. What are you even doing? So then Sarah's like, where's the tequila? And Kenny's like, probably a conversation that should have been had somewhere else. Shut up, tiny brows. No one's asking you.
A
So then Sarah tells us agents move brokerages all the time. Agents might be like, I don't want to be a Presidio anymore. I just want to go something real. Like me, maybe real brokerage. Ha. So. So they. Tina's just eating more charcuterie. And now we go to Jennifer's house, and she's with her husband Darren, and she's feeding the dog pepperoni. And Jennifer tells us the vibe of our home is that, you know, we work hard and we come home and we just chill. And it's 2.3 million dollar house, five bedrooms, five baths, and there's a theater. It's actually a really big house. But she's done something very rebellious, which is she's painted her house black because every house is white. She's gonna be the black house.
B
Yeah. And so she's like, we met on match.com. i mean, what can I say? You know? And at first, I mean, I thought he Was fine. But on his second date he was like, what do you do? And I was like, that's how hot. Because I'm a powerful woman. Also, he doesn't want kids, which is really helpful. It's like, it is rough being one of the only women in town without 19 things hanging off of them, begging them for something. But, you know, I manage.
A
So she's. She, she thinks Jennifer feels really bad for Matt because she feels like his family doesn't support him. Because one thing we didn't mention was that during the house tour there is a back door to that house, the Matt's brother's house, brother in law's house. And there's no stairs that lead from the back door, like the two feet or the one foot down to like the patio. They just never bothered building a staircase and they didn't bother building a staircase in anticipation of putting the house on the market. So Jennifer feels like the family gave Matt a shitty house and then is also asking for like, like discounts on commissions and stuff. And so she feels like his family's taking advantage of him.
B
Yeah, but they're also giving him something by giving him that listing because I didn't have to do that. Although it is going to save them a bunch of money. So I get it.
A
But also, who are these, who, who are these people that just can live without the step down? They. You had to step on a pile of loose stones to get to your backyard. Who does that?
B
I think a lot of these homes too are just house, house of cards type things where they're just like built with $5 because they're so huge. And I just think they're probably all missing something, you know? Yeah, it's like, here's a bath shop doesn't have a drain yet. We'll worry about that at some point.
A
So this, all, this all. The reason why this is all being brought up is for the most ridiculous thing, which is that, you know, Jennifer, she was really abandoned by her family when she decided to leave the Mormon church. And so sensing that Matt may not have support from his family, it just makes her want to just like open her heart to him. And like her heart, she just wants to root for him because he doesn't have family. So she assumes because of that backstep. So. So she wants to be there for.
B
Him even though she knows the family just gave him this listing. She's so kooky. Okay, so now we now at Sarah's house, Jen's on her way and we see her husband friend who Is also so goober fied. I mean, my God, this one has like a little DuckTales thing, and he's like, bald, but then has, like a little ducktales flop in the front of his hair and really thick eyebrow penciled in. It's like, oh, okay, come on.
A
So Chris is there and he's like, no, it'll just. It'll just be good to get this done. And let's just understand where. Where she can understand where we're coming from and hear her point of view, and we can just focus on selling some houses. And Sarah's like, yes, ex boss. Get it? Because you're not my boss anymore. Your ex boss. You know, think about it. It's funny.
B
So Jennifer comes and she's like. Or, yeah, Jennifer. Yo. Comes and she's like, wow, your house, it's high on a hill. Wow. And there's no cell service. So that's great. She doesn't walk in and say, wow, what a beautiful home. I mean, at least fake it. But she's like, I'm. Wow, you're pathetic. So you don't need cell service here.
A
Okay, you know what? This is not. She's like. She has this whole spiel about, like, she's going to be professional because she's going to their turf because that way they'll feel safer, even though it's ridiculous that they should be coming to her turf instead. So Sarah tells us Jen's losing a bunch of agents. I know it's affecting her business and Braz her baby, so I get it. But Jen doesn't understand. It's not my fault. Maybe it's her fault. I don't. Hell, no. I'm not here to steal agents. I'm just here to sell houses to Lisa Barlow.
B
Yeah. So then she's. Sarah's doing this, like, prayer thing. She's like, I am praying in confessional. So then Jennifer is like, okay, well, guys, let's have a seat. I feel a lack of transparency, you guys. I put my neck out for Sarah to be an independent woman, and all of a sudden, two of my brokers, 14 of my agents, which are my top producers. I mean, it just feels like poaching Chris. It feels like poaching. And Chris. Chris is like, well, it's none of those things, Jen. And agents come and go, and that's never fun. Am I right, Jen? Doesn't that just suck when agents come and they go?
A
Well, it feels like some shady business is going on and this is not working for us. And that's All I have to say.
B
And I like that Chris was like, we're gonna get over here and give her some real answers. And then she comes there and he's like, yeah, sometimes things happen. That's my answer for you.
A
Seasons change, people change. Okay, great song by Expose. Look into it. Bye. So that was the first episode. I liked it. I liked it quite a bit. I thought it was very funny. It was stupid, but it was like, you know, it was like a fun trifle, you know.
B
Yeah, it was pretty fun. So I'm interested to see where it goes. We're interested to see what you guys think. Thank you so much for listening to this. We'll be putting some more episodes up in the comments the coming weeks. This one we will probably release. This will be a two parter, but we'll probably release it while we're gone as well on the, on the Christmas break. Just, just so you don't get offended. But it won't be for weeks and weeks. Anybody else gets to hear it. But the rest of them will all be a patrion. And we thank you so much for being here, guys. Thank you so much.
A
Thank you so much. I'll catch you on the next episode. Bye. Watch what crap INS would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King it's always automatic with Ashley Otto Ashley Savoni.
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Podcast Summary: Watch What Crappens Episode #2670 – "Sold on SLC 0101: 'There’s No Business Like Yeo Business'"
Introduction
In episode #2670 of "Watch What Crappens," hosts Ben Mandelker and Ronnie Karam delve into the newly introduced Bravo reality series, "Sold on SLC." Released on December 30, 2024, this bonus episode provides an entertaining critique of the show, blending humor with sharp observations about the Salt Lake City real estate scene and its portrayal of local culture.
Hosts' Banter and Current Locations [02:12 – 05:30]
Ben begins the episode from London, sharing amusing anecdotes about his experiences with British schoolchildren and their quirky behaviors on the London Underground. He humorously revises his previous negative generalizations about London’s cuisine, praising the improved seasoning in his current culinary experiences.
Ronnie joins in from Texas, describing the gloomy and rainy weather. He humorously comments on family gatherings, ice cream consumption, and makes a playful remark about his own physical changes.
Introduction of "Sold on SLC" [05:30 – 06:41]
The hosts introduce "Sold on SLC," a new addition to the Bravo lineup, which focuses on the competitive real estate market in Salt Lake City (SLC). Ben notes the stark contrast between the ancient architecture of London and the brand-new buildings in SLC, poking fun at American construction practices by comparing them to flimsy cardboard structures.
Initial Impressions and Critiques [06:41 – 09:05]
Ronnie humorously contrasts European building materials with American ones, highlighting the ease of remodeling in the U.S. He sarcastically laments the repetitive plumbing issues reminiscent of older construction eras.
Ben critiques the show's title "Sold on SLC," questioning its grammatical correctness and effectiveness. They compare it unfavorably to Bravo’s "Wild on," suggesting that a simpler title would have been more effective.
Character Analysis and Reactions [09:05 – 17:05]
The discussion shifts to character introductions in "Sold on SLC," focusing on Jennifer Yao, the CEO of Presidio Real Estate. Ben mocks Jennifer’s extravagant attire and questions her business acumen based on her sales figures. He humorously calculates her average annual sales, expressing skepticism about her competence.
Ronnie criticizes the portrayal of the competitive and patriarchal nature of the SLC real estate market, particularly targeting the show's depiction of religious influences. They mock the exaggerated religious fervor of characters like Matt, labeling him as the show’s antagonist due to his misuse of Mormon beliefs for personal gain.
Specific Scenes and Plot Points [17:05 – 35:10]
Ben and Ronnie dissect various scenes from the show, including sales meetings characterized by forced collaboration and insincere camaraderie. They ridicule the use of slow-motion footage in mundane settings, comparing it to overused special effects seen in other reality series.
The hosts highlight the absurdity of certain character traits, such as Matt’s obsession with Toyota cars and his struggling sales performance despite his inflated title of "Realtor of the Year." They mock the unrealistic portrayal of real estate agents juggling excessive personal and professional challenges, including Matt’s supposed infidelity and overbearing family dynamics.
Continued Critique and Humor [35:10 – 52:40]
The conversation continues with Ben and Ronnie highlighting the show's emphasis on extravagant home features juxtaposed with flawed character portrayals. They mock the characters' over-the-top personalities, such as Malaysia’s generic Asian name and questionable authenticity, and Tina’s exaggerated depiction as a lesbian ex-Mormon struggling with her identity.
They also critique the unrealistic home staging and property listings shown on the show, pointing out the repetitive architectural designs and impractical amenities that fail to resonate with real-world real estate dynamics.
Climactic Confrontations and Plot Twists [52:40 – 77:31]
Ben and Ronnie discuss pivotal plot points involving conflicts between characters, particularly the antagonistic relationship between Tina and Matt. They find humor in the dramatic confrontations over religious beliefs and professional sabotage, portraying them as overblown and nonsensical.
The hosts mock the show’s attempts to create suspense and drama, comparing it to forced reality TV tropes. They highlight how the show tries to inject seriousness into mundane real estate transactions, resulting in a convoluted narrative that detracts from genuine character development.
Overall Insights and Conclusions [77:31 – 80:26]
Wrapping up the episode, Ben and Ronnie reflect on "Sold on SLC" as an entertaining yet flawed addition to Bravo’s reality lineup. They appreciate the humor and absurdity the show brings but remain skeptical about its potential for long-term success due to its overbearing stereotypes and lack of authentic storytelling.
Notable Quotes
Conclusion
Episode #2670 of "Watch What Crappens" offers a humorous yet critical take on Bravo’s "Sold on SLC." Ben Mandelker and Ronnie Karam provide insightful commentary on the show’s portrayal of Salt Lake City’s real estate market and its characters, blending satire with genuine observations. For fans of reality TV and Bravo, this episode serves as both an entertaining review and a lighthearted critique of the latest addition to the network’s programming.
Noteworthy Timestamped Moments
Recommendations
For listeners who enjoy satirical takes on reality TV and insightful critiques of popular culture, this episode of "Watch What Crappens" is a must-listen. Ben and Ronnie’s witty banter and sharp observations provide a fresh perspective on Bravo’s latest offerings, making it both an informative and entertaining experience.