#2722 SOUTHERN CHARM S10E09: Best Bee-havior - Live from Denver

Summary

Podcast Summary: Watch What Crappens #2722 – SOUTHERN CHARM S10E09: Best Bee-havior - Live from Denver

Hosted by Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam | Wondery

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Introduction

In episode #2722 of Watch What Crappens, hosts Ben Mandelker and Ronnie Karam delve into the latest happenings of Southern Charm Season 10, Episode 9 titled "Best Bee-havior." Filmed live from Denver, this episode combines humorous recaps, witty critiques, and engaging anecdotes, providing listeners with an entertaining analysis of the Real Housewives-esque drama unfolding on Bravo’s beloved series.

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Denver Adventure & The Secret Elevator

[03:34]
Ben and Ronnie kick off the episode by sharing their recent trip to Denver, highlighting the thin air and the peculiarities of the Denver airport. Their adventure takes an amusing turn when they encounter Glinda, a charismatic airport worker who introduces them to a "secret elevator."

• Ben: "We had the most fun time in the Denver airport today."
• Ronnie: "She was literally an airport hobo... she was waiting for us."

[07:58]
The duo humorously recount their exclusive ride in the elevator, distancing themselves from the chaotic rush of thousands navigating the escalators.

• Ben: "We took the elevator up with her, just the three of us... It was like being in Labyrinth."
• Ronnie: "No, it's literally an elevator right outside the door."

The story concludes with a playful nod to Denver’s unique airport culture and the mysterious Glinda, leaving listeners amused by the hosts' vivid storytelling.

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Recap & Commentary on Southern Charm S10E09

The core of the episode focuses on Southern Charm Season 10 Episode 9, where Ben and Ronnie dissect the tumultuous relationship between Craig and Paige, particularly their contentious discussion about starting a family and Craig’s unconventional bee farming fantasy.

Craig & Paige’s Turbulent Relationship

[10:12]
The hosts begin by recapping the episode's opening scenes, mocking Craig’s immature behavior and his attempts to woo Paige despite their strained relationship.

• Ben: "If you can't support my pillow lifestyle, you can't be in my life."
• Ronnie: "He's a lawyer, a pillow lawyer and a soon to be husband and father."

[26:44]
Ben highlights a pivotal moment where Craig believes in the adage "if you love something, set it free," only to realize Paige has moved on without so much as a goodbye.

• Ben: "Madison hasn't come back to you. So I don't think Greg has either."
• Ronnie: "If you love it, lady, I'm gonna send you to the moon."

The Bee Farm Subplot

A significant portion of the episode revolves around Craig's bizarre plan to start a bee farm as an alternative to having children, leading to heated exchanges and comedic frustrations.

[28:31]
The hosts critique Craig's misunderstanding of beekeeping and Paige’s exasperation with his obsession.

• Ben: "Surrounded by a thousand things that will sting you and maybe kill Macaulay Culkin."
• Ronnie: "Bad fashion. You're killing me. One sting at a time."

[34:00]
They further mock the unrealistic and impractical aspects of Craig’s bee-farming dream, juxtaposed with Paige’s desire to escape the impending family pressures.

• Ben: "It's totally against my brand. I love this. I'm so happy right now."
• Ronnie: "I'm less afraid of bees than I am. Bad fashion."

Supporting Characters & Additional Drama

Ben and Ronnie also touch upon other characters’ storylines, including Shep’s awkward dinners and Austin’s persistent yet futile attempts to propose to his girlfriend.

[42:13]
Discussing Shep and Austin’s misadventures, the hosts emphasize the recurring themes of miscommunication and unreciprocated affections.

• Ben: "His butthole burns. It burns."
• Ronnie: "I love your chickens. I love chickens."

[58:03]
They analyze Austin's triangulation tactics and Craig’s obliviousness to the ongoing drama.

• Ben: "Did you even know he had a girlfriend till I was giving him a little head in the parking lot."
• Ronnie: "Think of it this way. You're just three douchebags taking turns calling each other out."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Throughout the episode, Ben and Ronnie inject memorable quotes that encapsulate their humorous take on the show’s events:

• Ben: "Watch what happens when you push this button. Now who's the bitch?"
• Ronnie: "If you love it, let it go. But make sure it's got an Airtag in its pocket."
• Ben: "You’re a lot more sentimental than I am, Craig."
• Ronnie: "You're a sweet, dumb guy, you know."

These quotes not only highlight their comedic chemistry but also provide listeners with sharp, witty observations that enhance their critique of Southern Charm.

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Conclusion

Ben Mandelker and Ronnie Karam successfully blend humor with insightful commentary in this episode of Watch What Crappens, offering a thorough and entertaining summary of Southern Charm S10E09. From their quirky Denver anecdotes to their sharp dissection of Craig and Paige’s rocky relationship, the hosts deliver a rich, engaging narrative that keeps both fans and newcomers hooked. Their use of notable quotes and humorous insights ensures that the essence of the episode is captured while providing a delightful listening experience.

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Transcript

[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

I mean, we love our children. I believe the children are our future. But you know what? Sometimes if I'm going on a cruise, it's kind of nice to, you know, have all adults. Am I right? Virgin Voyages have been voted World's Best by Travel and Leisure and Conde Nast readers for the second year in a row. Experience it for yourself.

[Ronnie]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

I cannot wait about severance to start again. So yeah, I'll be doing the same thing watching it all through Prime. It's convenient to not have to leave the Prime Video app to switch between all of these subscriptions.

[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

Hello, Denver, darling. So good to see you, Denver. Hello. So we've been breathing this thin ass air for.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

I was like, why do I feel weird? It's because I'm breathing thin air.

[Ben]

Thin air, don't care.

[Ronnie]

Ozempic air here. I love it. You know, I'm a huge supporter. I forgot this chair sinks too. I was like, boing. Yes, Denver, in your soft seats. We had the best trip here. And we met a hero of Denver, Glinda, the airport lady.

[Ben]

Oh my God. We had the most fun time in the Denver airport today. Which I know is not something people usually say, but we, we got onto like one of the trams to get, you know, to cross state lines because I'm pretty sure we landed in a different state.

[Ronnie]

You do?

[Ben]

And we get in and we're just, you know, we're being total, like, you know, tourist types.

[Ronnie]

No, Ben is being a dad. Okay. Ben is being daddy Ben. He's like, hmm, I think this is one of the largest airports in the country. It might be the largest. And I was like, by the way, this is after flying out of Salt Lake City. We passed this tall thing and he's like, that's too small to be a smokestack.

[Ben]

Yes. I'm googling it and it turns out it was a copper smelter. I looked it up. But so we're, you know, so we board like that shuttle thing to get you from terminal Z to the baggage claim. And I was, we were just talking about big airports. I was like, I think this is actually like one of the largest ones in the country. And Ronnie's like, really? You know, because Ronnie's humoring me. Because Ronnie doesn't give a shit.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, I don't care. But he was like, I think it's the biggest. And I said, it can't be Bigger than Dallas. Right. You know, because I'm making conversation.

[Ben]

So. So he's like, googling, look it up. And then all of a sudden, it was like, you know, in, like, a children's, like, TV show or something where an owl comes out of the tree and is like.

[Ronnie]

Except in this one, the owl has a mullet.

[Ben]

Yes. Imagine, like, Melissa McCarthy with a little badge. This lady, she was just, like, someone who I think, just rides the rails.

[Ronnie]

She was a little bandana tied to a stick.

[Ben]

She's an airport. Yeah. She was literally an airport hobo. And she was like. She just goes back and forth from baggage claim to terminals A, B, and C. She was like. I think she was waiting all day for this conversation.

[Ronnie]

She was waiting for us. Yeah.

[Ben]

Because she goes, it's number one.

[Ronnie]

We're number one. We are.

[Ben]

Yeah. I was like, really? And she's like, huh? I was like, even Atlanta, she goes, atlanta's the busiest, but we're the biggest.

[Ronnie]

And then I think I made a face or something. I mean, it's just my face. You know what I mean? And so I think I made a face. And she was like, okay. Well, not internationally. Not sure about internationally, but nationally. So then we got off, and she's like, do not forget to go to the Puppy Bowl.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

She pulls out the huge thing here.

[Ben]

And she pulls out her phone. She goes, puppy Bowl.

[Ronnie]

It's upstairs. You got to go. And we're like, okay. And so we got off with her, and she's like, puppy Bowl. Puppy Bowl. Puppy Bowl. Denver Puppy Bowl. And so we got off and just. Let me show you a secret. It's the elevator.

[Ben]

There's a hidden elevator. It was like being.

[Ronnie]

It's not hidden. It's literally an elevator right outside the door.

[Ben]

It was literally like being in Labyrinth when. When that worm told Jennifer Connelly that there was an entrance in the brick wall, it wasn't.

[Ronnie]

It was an elevator. And she goes, let me show you a secret. Ding. And Ben was like, oh, my God.

[Ben]

No, no.

[Ronnie]

This is a secret. We would have gone all the way up the escalators.

[Ben]

You guys all know about those escalators after the tram. You know, you get off the tram, and then you're with 5,000 people trying to go up an escalator, and it's a nightmare. And you have to go up, like, five different stories. And then this lady, Deb, she just, like, is like, guess what? There's an elevator hidden in plain sight. And I was like.

[Ronnie]

And she goes, it's a secret. And I guess I made a face. And she goes, well, I don't take it when there's handicapped people.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

Or strollers.

[Ben]

Yes.

[Ronnie]

I only take it when there's no one else here. It's like, it's okay. Like, I'm not like, fuck it. Put the handicapped people aside. You're already sitting down. Do it over there. I gotta get up the elevator.

[Ben]

Listen, she lives by a code of ethics. And then we went up. We took the elevator up with her, just the three of us. Like, literally, like a thousand people got off that thing. Didn't even know there was an elevator. It was the three of us in a private, giant elevator. We rose up, and then I got to do my favorite thing was walk out of the elevator as, like, the first people were coming up the escalator. And I was like, huh? Oh, did you take three escalators?

[Ronnie]

And I was like, oh, my God, my cheekbones are popping. My hip bones are popping. Thin air. She's like, welcome to Denver, bitch.

[Ben]

And just like that, she was gone. No, she really did. She just, like, disappeared into thin air.

[Ronnie]

Disappeared. She's disappeared into a hole in the ground. We never saw her again.

[Ben]

Last. Last thought. Did you guys know there's a gargoyle at baggage claim?

[Ronnie]

I thought he was being mean. I was at the other baggage claim getting my baggage, and I was like, you just missed the hottest guy. He was like a living tree. He was so big, and he was wearing short shorts. And Ben was like, oh. I was staring at the Gargoyle at Terminal 14. I was like, jesus Christ, man. You don't have to be hot to live. He goes, no, there's like, a literal gargoyle.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

Who have you become?

[Ben]

I know. I'm like, where is Deb when you need her? Explain the gargoyle. It's Deb, actually. That's like, Deb's, like, quiet form. She likes. She transforms back in the day, she's allowed to escape her gargoyle form and tell people about the elevator. And then she comes back in Glenda's.

[Ronnie]

Like, we are head about the elevator.

[Ben]

We're the biggest airport.

[Ronnie]

All right, well, anywho.

[Ben]

The point is, it's great to be back in Denver.

[Ronnie]

Yes. Welcome to Watch what Crappens. A podcast for all the crap we love to talk about on yields. All right. Previously on Southern Charm. Previously on Southern Charm. An aging Peter Pan with wooden teeth pretending to be a good person so Twitter would stop making him cry like a little beta.

[Ben]

I know. I was a huge, abusive, alcoholic, misogynist douchebag for the last nine years. But now I have a girlfriend, so I'm an adult. But also a little boy.

[Ronnie]

Kraig, you don't even hang out with this anymore. Craig. God's the same right now. Craig.

[Ben]

If you can't support my pillow lifestyle, you can't be in my life. I'm a lawyer, a pillow lawyer and a soon to be husband and father.

[Ronnie]

Meanwhile, Craig kept bound to marry a chicken. The south can be a sick place, y'all.

[Ben]

Hey, chicken, are you ready to be impregnated next to a cricket machine?

[Ronnie]

Shut up, Craig. I hate Charleston.

[Ben]

But you love it.

[Ronnie]

I hate you.

[Ben]

And Ms. Patricia, still being too rich to fuck with, had a party featuring carbs. And no one complained. Not even the model.

[Ronnie]

Welcome to my cupcake sandwich party. Hey, tuba girl, you gonna eat a cupcake sandwich?

[Ben]

Well, as the first size 2 plus size model, I feel like it's my duty.

[Ronnie]

I don't think you need to eat that cupcake.

[Ben]

Oh, my God. What a misogynist. I could totally marry him.

[Ronnie]

All right now, everybody, I'd like you to meet another in a long line of fabulous gay friends of mine. Ryan. Ryan, say something. Ryan, straighten your wig.

[Ben]

Ryan, straighten your wig.

[Ronnie]

May I interrupt this party to give the majestic Ms. Patricia a cane?

[Ben]

Well, I never.

[Ronnie]

He just called Patricia a bitch.

[Ben]

Everybody have him deported.

[Ronnie]

I did not. I would never, never mistreat a woman, even an elderly one. I'm a true sayer. A soldier in the war against dishonesty. A white cape in the sea of chauvinist male boys. Taylor, your boyfriend is a man whore.

[Ben]

How dare you. I will not discuss Gaston on camera in front of his ex. Stalker slash skank.

[Ronnie]

I ain't a stalker, honey. Now, first time I met him, I didn't even know he had a girlfriend till I was giving him a little head in the parking lot of the Harris Teeters. By then, it was too late to break up. Gotta let him finish.

[Ben]

Taylor, you deserve a committed relationship with a real short man.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, like the one I have with the 20 year old.

[Ben]

Oh, gosh.

[Ronnie]

Or the one that I have with.

[Ben]

The 20 year old.

[Ronnie]

Or like the one I have with Randy. Watch what happens when I push this button. Now who's the bitch?

[Ben]

Unseen.

[Ronnie]

It was so stupid.

[Ben]

All right, so then. So that all happened. It was a historical record. Just ask Deb.

[Ronnie]

So, as usual, accurate reporting from watcher. By the way, hi side people over there. I love you. Welcome to my muffin party.

[Ben]

And people up there. Yeah. So, as usual, since it's Southern Charm. We have to start the show with a rousing chorus of Southern charm music. He's got shoehoos.

[Ronnie]

He wears underwear. Sally's putting on boots. How do I use a vacuum?

[Ben]

Taylor, that trying to vacuum up a spider was so sad because, like, it was like a montage of her chasing it around. You got a vacuum cleaner, girl. How did you not get it?

[Ronnie]

And then JT is sitting in a balcony with a robe on. Yeah, Boo. A very tiny robe. All right. It's a small robe, and he's got an orchid on the chair next to him. And he's like, is that why there's bees coming? Do the bees love your orchid? It's a big B episode. Lots of Bs.

[Ben]

Yeah, it's a theme. And then, of course, since it is the opening, we also have a scene of Vanita grooming Charles.

[Ronnie]

I was like, finally, some charisma. You're doing great, Charles.

[Ben]

And then the phone rings and it's Leva. And Leva's like, okay, I'm gonna be like my most distracted self because I've got a six year old in Marshalls, so sorry.

[Ronnie]

I know I'm collecting a paycheck to be on a TV show, but fuck you. Fuck this show. Why do I even have to call you? What's your name? I'm in a Marshalls. How disgusting is that?

[Ben]

Vanita's like, oh, you're fine. Well, So I had J.T. over for dinner, and he said he has a girlfriend, and love is like, what? Huh?

[Ronnie]

You made dinner for that little weasel and he has a girlfriend? Oh, Jesus Christ. And she's like, yeah, well, he can't possibly have a girlfriend. I'm around him all the time, Leva. You don't pay attention to shit. I can't even believe you're still here. I can't believe Leva isn't just driving away. In every scene that we see her in, every time she's there, she's like, what's this party for?

[Ben]

So Vanita's like, I had no idea. And then he texted me and he was like, I'm not trying to make you look like a homewrecker. And I'm like, yeah, you're not doing a good job at showing that.

[Ronnie]

Well, I like that. His whole argument is like, but now, look, Vanita, here's the thing. If I'm dating you and I'm dating her, aren't you going to feel bad that, you know that I would be dating somebody else? I'd rather that whore feel bad. You're the classy one in this situation. Like, what kind of logic is that?

[Ben]

Poor, poor Vanita. She's been on this show for three or four years now. And you know, the producers have been like, vanita, come on, just fake a storyline for once. So she's like, okay, I'll pretend I can swim. Like, we're gonna need more than that. Like, can you just pretend like you're into jt? She's like, fine, I'll make him some branzino, stink up my apartment. So she has him over to fake this moment, and then he's like, well, the thing is, I'm dating my orchid.

[Ronnie]

He's like, oh, and I'm still not overing him. Finishing the branzino first. He ate that whole fish, you guys. They showed just the fish skin on the plate. And he's like, by the way, I've got a girlfriend.

[Ben]

I know. I was also kind of grossed out about eating branzino on the sofa. I don't know why. Like, we'll eat chips on the sofa. We'll eat a cookie. But a branzino, that needs to be on a table. That's a table fish.

[Ronnie]

That's what sofas are made for. That's why you buy cheap sofas off of Craigslist. They may have some stains you can't explain, but you can eat a fish on them.

[Ben]

Excuse me, is this fish? Is this sofa branzino safe? I just need to know. Common question at Living Spaces.

[Ronnie]

So poor Vanita is like, well, I may not have a boyfriend, but at least I get to open my heart to Leva right now. So here's how I'm feeling about it. Like, seriously, I have to go. Did I mention Marshall's 6 year old? I'm in a living hell. God bless you. I hope you find a man. Bye.

[Ben]

So now we have Madison Madison going. Going to a place called Rudy Royale Chicken and Cocktails, which is the most Charleston named restaurant Rudy Royale Chicken and Chick Cocktails.

[Ronnie]

So say, hey. Hey. Welcome. Hon. Welcome home. I got us some oyster shooters. Let's try. All right. Well, I've never had this before.

[Ben]

I appreciate Ronnie's care not to spit on my laptop. Madison, Madison, Madison, Madison. You look like you're in a goddamn Hillary Duff music video right now. Madison.

[Ronnie]

Literal streams of oyster gun.

[Ben]

I know. It was like oysters were coming back. Like, it was like the Matrix. People in that restaurant were doing bullet time as oysters were flying at them.

[Ronnie]

Disgusting. My God. The oysters deserved more respect.

[Ben]

Also, have we noticed that Austin has been wearing the same shirt for like four episodes now. The polka dot short sleeve shirt. And I say, this is someone who wears like the same shirt all week long. But you're on tv, sir.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, he was still on that old navy dot shirt, right?

[Ben]

Wearing that. And I literally saw a polka dot. Yeah. And I saw an episode, like from two seasons ago and he was wearing it again.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, you're on tv, Austin. Jesus Christ. It's a classic. You know how he gets away with that? He's so tall.

[Ben]

He's so. I swear to God, so tall.

[Ronnie]

Privilege. I was like, do whatever you want. I don't care.

[Ben]

You guys have never seen anything like this. So we obviously, we hung out with Austin last week, which is so weird. You have never seen. I've never seen more. More women go up to a guy, I swear to God. Because as much as we're all sitting here being like, ew, Austin, he sucks. Like, out there on the streets, everyone's like, hey, like, people coming up, giving their numbers on napkins. This is a scene right now.

[Ronnie]

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

[Ben]

Well, the holidays have come and gone and let me tell you something, it feels nice to give my home a little TLC after all that chaos and hubbub of December.

[Ronnie]

No better way to do that than a nice new piece of beautiful furniture.

[Ben]

I have two new beautiful gray lounge chairs that I have put here into office for podcasting needs. And they just look lovely. And I got them from Wayfair. They arrived very quickly and they were easy to put together. It was a dream.

[Ronnie]

I just did my place all mid century modern and I got the most beautiful mid century modern style furniture from Wayfair. It is so good looking.

[Ben]

Honestly, it's just really convenient that Wayfair has everything our home needs. I mean, because I'm going to get a coffee table, I might get a lamp, and it's just all there.

[Ronnie]

On the website, there's something for every style and home, no matter your space or budget.

[Ben]

Wayfair makes it easy to tackle your New Year's home goals with endless inspiration for every space and budget. Whether you need a light refresh or an organizational overhaul, give your home the refresh it needs with wayfair. Head to wayfair.com right now.

[Ronnie]

That's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. Elevating my style used to mean breaking the bank. But with quints, I get high end versatile pieces at prices I can actually afford now I can upgrade my style by snagging luxury essentials that sync with my vibe and my wallet.

[Ben]

Quint has all the must haves, like Mongolian cashmere crew neck sweaters from $50, iconic 100% leather jackets and versatile flown in activewear.

[Ronnie]

The best part, all Quint's Items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands.

[Ben]

By partnering directly with top factories, Quint cuts out the cost of the middleman and passes the savings on to us.

[Ronnie]

And Quint only works with factories that use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices along with with premium fabrics and finishes.

[Ben]

I love that I have a sweet, sweet goldenrod light jacket that I got from Queen's. I got a bracelet and you know, we're about to go on tour and so I'm going to need to get some cool looks for when we hit that stage. And guess what? I'm going to go to Quints to do it.

[Ronnie]

Indulge in affordable luxury. Go to quince.com crappens for free shipping on your order and 365 days returns. That's quints.com q u I n c e.com Krappins to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com Kravins so he's like, you know, when we're dating, Madison put me through fucking hell. And then we get a clip of their best hits. We're like, beta, you beta motherfucker. Hey, Austin, how about you stop being such a pussy? How about that, Austin? And then of course, the infamous right now, Madison.

[Ben]

Madison's insane.

[Ronnie]

But now Madison treats me like her gbf. That means gay best friend.

[Ben]

No.

[Ronnie]

I mean, I'll take it. So we get to play with our boobs more than you. Anyway, that's how gay best friends work. He's like, if you could took the relationship out of it, we could have been hanging out years ago.

[Ben]

So she's sitting there under her umbrella for his spit and she's like, okay, I need the good gossip. Okay, okay. If I came all the way out here to sit with your saliva, I want to hear all the good tea.

[Ronnie]

And you can see why these two are together too. Because she's like, okay, so thank you for those oyster shooters. We'll have two more of those and a bottle of champagne. And then he orders. What does he order? He orders something else. And then she's like, yeah, and I' Bloody Mary. I was like, jesus Christ. He down you two.

[Ben]

He always. He loves a bar snack. Well, remember that one season Where I felt like every episode he was like, I'll have the waffle tots, please. Every. Every episode was waffle tots. I didn't even know what those were.

[Ronnie]

So said, give me the gas. And he's like, I wanted to meet up with Craig and, you know, he lived with, you know, business. It was like, pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow. And then we see a flashback to Craig.

[Ben]

Pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow. I was like, oh, that's pretty accurate reporting.

[Ronnie]

I'd like to take over our podcast, our massively successful podcast, and I'd like to give you $17. He's like, what are you thinking of that? Let's think of our friendship.

[Ben]

I thought he was gonna take some criticism, but he handles zero criticism anyway. It makes me feel like a 13 year old girl being like, oh, I want to hang out with you more. And he's like, well, I'm grown up now and I do grown up things and you can't handle it. And I'm like, oh, you're making me feel like the biggest pussy on planet earth is insane right now. But you know what? I'm not saying. I'm just gonna be like, it's a fundamental breakdown between all of us. The entire floor is just like a puddle. People are coming in a canoe.

[Ronnie]

Madison just finishes the first bottle of champagne. All right, what else? What else you got? What else you got? Beta. That was some beta gossip. Give me some alpha shit. He's like, well, we left a hunky dory, but I don't want to play this little game anymore, so forth and so on. And she's like, oh, you know what? Just like middle finger up. You know what? Listen, Austin, look at you. You've got everything. You've got a shirt to wear every day of your life. You've got some 20 year old girl who don't live here, you've got some kind of job nobody really understands. I mean, look at you, epitome of happiness. Yeah.

[Ben]

Yeah. You know, I use a lot of metaphors with me and Craig's relationship that make it seem like we're dating, but I think that if you'd love something, you gotta set it free. Like Madison. And if it's meant to, they'll come back to you. I'm like, madison hasn't come back to you. So I don't think Greg has either.

[Ronnie]

Once they get away, they're gone. I don't even know where this saying came from. I know it's some like snooty tooty saying that we're all supposed to take as truth. It's not true. If you love it, let it go. Guess what? It changes its number and blocks you on Instagram. Yeah, I've done it many times. That was next time. I love it. It's going in my basement. I'm locking it up. And I put. I'm putting muffins down there every once in a while.

[Ben]

That was definitely a saying that a boy came up with. If you love, it's like, you're really great, but I love you too much, so I'm gonna let you go. Huh?

[Ronnie]

Here's my saying. If you love it, lady, I'm gonna send you to the moon. If you love it, let it go. But make sure it's got an airtag in its pocket. All right, so Craig and Paige are in their car, and they're talking about how they're adding to their family. Okay, first of all, let's just say we all know that Paige and Craig broke up. And Craig is doing this whole tour now where he's like, I was totally blindsided. I didn't even know we were broken up. She never once told me that she didn't want to get married. I bought her a ring. We were on our way to Paris. Okay, so anyone falling for that line of bullshit? And actually, I'm not going to call it a line of bullshit because he believes it. And as a delusional person myself, let me believe. So I'm not going to take away from him that he believes it. But anybody believing that Paige did not lay down the law, please just watch this episode once. Yeah, because this is the scene. He's in the car, and he's like, I can't wait to get bees because we can't have babies yet, but we could always have bees. And she's like.

[Ben]

She'S horrified by this entire scene that's unfolding. I asked how many bees we could get, and they said that it could be, like, 1,000 bees. And I said, oh, my God, that's so many times I have to say, ew, disgusting.

[Ronnie]

Well, what I think happens is they give you a queen bee, and then she starts her own colony. But then that colony might be in New York, and the male's colony might be in Charleston. So all she really needs to do is move the colony to Charleston if she wants more worker bees. I hate bees. The bee shortage is the best thing that ever happened in this country. Kill them all. I drank Roundup for breakfast. He's like, God, she wants me so bad.

[Ben]

I would Love to be on a farm, but I'm not allowed to have chickens in my community. I'm like, yeah, because you're in the suburbs. They won't let me have a cowshed in my community.

[Ronnie]

Craig is a reason they can't have fucking chickens in communities. There's always people like Craig who have chickens in community. Trust me. I live in Texas. Texas. Every time you hear one of those fucking things, go outside to some shirtless fucking guy that no one ever tells. No. You know, including me. I'm like, I love your chickens. I love chickens.

[Ben]

Cut to next season. Craig finally has his chicken shed. Guys, I have chicken flu.

[Ronnie]

That'll be his arc, okay? So he was like, yeah, I'm not allowed to have chickens, but bees are the next best, best thing. Bees are not the best thing. Next best thing. You can't eat a bee. Well, I guess you could eat a bee.

[Ben]

You could. Let me tell you something. How is it? Isn't there nothing between a chicken and a bee?

[Ronnie]

Go to a dog farm at least. I mean, let's pick the most obvious thing.

[Ben]

Get a rabbit.

[Ronnie]

Get a parrot. Something.

[Ben]

Get something.

[Ronnie]

I wish he got a parrot. And Paige could just train that parrot to be like, like, I'm not gonna marry you. I'm not gonna marry you. I'm not gonna marry you. Just an abusive parent.

[Ben]

By the way, why do I have this weird feeling that, like, next week, Rhonda, you're gonna be like, well, I was thinking about that bee thing, and I was like, you know, bees are so cute, and it is so nice that they give up their lives just to make us honey. So I bought a bee farm and put in my backyard. I know you're totally gonna get a bee farm, Ronnie.

[Ronnie]

No, but don't put chickens past me, because that did stick with me. I'm like, I'll bet dog. Dogs can hug chickens. Because I like those videos where animals from different species hug each other. Like, they're like, the pig. Look, it's the pig hugging a parrot. You're like, oh, my God. What the dodo? You know? I love them.

[Ben]

You know what I love? Who else loves it when a bird rides on the back of some animal that's just a smart bird? Like, that bird. You know, the bird that lands on the rhinoceros is like, that one got, like, a Hummer. Like, that's the equivalent of being like, check out. Check out my new Escalade. It's like, that bird is on a rhino, and there's some bird that's on the Back of a dog. You're like, oh, it's got those little.

[Ronnie]

Stick figure things on the back window of the rhinoceros. It's like, oh, my God. I've got four little tiny birds. They're all in cheer.

[Ben]

Don't drive carelessly behind me.

[Ronnie]

Proud of my rhino riding family.

[Ben]

Wow, we really made that bird suck.

[Ronnie]

Oh. So Paige is like, that stupid Craig. The. The queen bee already has her court. She doesn't need to move. And he's like, is that like her cabinet? Like her team? She's like, yeah, Craig. So this was just so beaten down by this point. Yeah, Well, I was like, how much is she looking at Craig in this episode? Look what she's looking at out the window. She's like.

[Ben]

She's like, well, I mean, first of.

[Ronnie]

All, it's like, suddenly Paige knows sign language.

[Ben]

She's like, H, E L, Craig. I mean, we knew this relationship was over the moment that Craig made her put on an unflattering bee suit on tv. She's like, can I cinch this at all? Can we accessorize this? Now I just have to wear this floppy outfit on tv. Great. It's totally against my brand. I love this. I'm so happy right now. She hated every minute of this. Like, Rebecca, the lady, the beekeeper, she pulls out a thing. The bees are everywhere. And Paige is just off to the side like, okay, great, Great. We can be done with this now.

[Ronnie]

Thanks. She literally stood there like she'd been slimed. She was like, I'm less afraid of bees than I am. Bad fashion. You're killing me. One sting at a time. So the Rebecca is like, I'm gonna show you everything. Look, It's a secret.

[Ben]

Ding.

[Ronnie]

It's an elevator. So Craig's asking Craig questions. He's like, why are the suits white? And she's like, because dark colors remind bees of predators, like bears, so they're less intimidated by white. Now, what bee did you ask?

[Ben]

She doesn't know. She just sees she has an idiot, so she's just going to say anything.

[Ronnie]

Paige is like, well, maybe someone should tell them that it's after Labor Day, because this is horrifying. I'm rooting for the predators.

[Ben]

Chicken, you want to come touch the bee? No, Craig, I want to go home right now.

[Ronnie]

So they're looking at the bees, and Paige is like, where's the queen? And she goes, she's in there somewhere. And she's like, see, she's not spending time with any of the men either. And you don't hear her complaining.

[Ben]

So basically, we watch all this beekeeping. Paige is horrifying, and then they sort of settle down. And then Craig is like, this could be like our little sanctuary. Yes. Surrounded by a thousand things that will sting you and maybe kill Macaulay Culkin. I know, I know. Think about it.

[Ronnie]

That wasn't me. I just like it on the record. That was not me.

[Ben]

Guys. It's like the traitors. He didn't actually die.

[Ronnie]

But I love how representative this is of Charleston because it's like, there's one poor chick, and she's got, like, 30 douchebags at the same time, like, trying to get in, you know? So Paige is like, so, are the bees at least obsessed with the queen? And Rebecca's like, not really. Come on, Rebecca. Could you sell it a little bit?

[Ben]

Come on, you're trying to make a sale here. So Craig is like, what do you think, Paige? And she's like, I love it. If you like it, I love it. I'm just kidding. If you like it, I hate it. Let's go.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. So he's like, so what do you do when you want honey? You know? And Paige is like, go to the store, Craig.

[Ben]

I know. He's like, we could make homemade honey. And she just says it under breath, like, or we can go to the fucking store.

[Ronnie]

Instead of wasting my time with bees, why don't you just bring home, like, a Harris Teeter bag boy? Okay? So now he's holding a handful of bees, and he's like, this is my fantasy.

[Ben]

It's actually, like, low key. A very deranged scene. I mean, Paige is there dressed like she's in squid game, and she's so miserable. Like, this is when it ended right here. We see it right here on camera.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. So he's like, wow, it's crazy. There's all these bees. They're not even panicking. They're not even horrified. They're not even in defense mode. She's like, I am.

[Ben]

So then let's go see the animals. So they go. And Paige is like, chicken. I'm sweating bullets. I was freaking out in there. I hate everything about this. Can we go home? Wait, there's emus and ducks. For fuck's sake, Craig.

[Ronnie]

But, babe, look, it's our dream come true. We could have our own little sanctuary. Bees, chickens, lots of poop in the yard that no one really bothers to clean up at any time. Clothes that we wear that don't look like anything. They could just be covered in shit from morning till Night. She's like.

[Ben]

So now they're looking at. Now they go. And they're like, let's do a scene that's less scary. So let's go do the rest of the scene in front of a bunch of adorable baby goats, which are so cute. And they're like. The whole time.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. So she. He's like, don't you feel more comfortable around bees now? And she's like, I don't want to live on a farm. No, no, no. So, yes. But look at the baby. Don't you want babies around? No. Babies are disgusting. God, I can't wait till we're married. We're so on the right track.

[Ben]

But I thought every time you said chicken, that was you saying you wanted to live with chickens. No. Chicken. That's not. I gotta stop saying that.

[Ronnie]

So he's like, so, what do you think about this? She goes, it's so fun to come visit. Because the thing about visiting is there's always my best friend. An airplane to get me the hell out of here. Where is my best friend right now? He's like, I know, but you love nature and animals and stuff. And she's like, well, I'm not a monster, Craig. I like animals on the Internet.

[Ben]

But look at that goat that's chewing up your Zara dress. Yes, Craig, I'm well aware our breakup starts now.

[Ronnie]

But sometimes I fall into this fantasy of being like, oh, my God, we could have a farm and a bunch of kids. And she goes, I love fantasizing, too, Craig. I'm on a red carpet. I'm single. There are three hot men after me. I'm extremely rich. There are no children allowed.

[Ben]

I have a fantasy that when I go on a date with my boyfriend, I don't smell like goat poop afterwards.

[Ronnie]

So she's like, you know? No. And he's like. She's like, you're a lot more sentimental than I am, Craig. And that's Paige's way of being like, you're a disgusting human being. Please crawl up into a ball so I can cover you in kerosene and light a match. He's like, wow, would you say that at our wedding?

[Ben]

She's like, craig, look, it's not like I have a checklist of things that I'm like, okay, we need to do this and this and this before we get married and have a baby. I just have a checklist of people that I'd like to sleep with before I commit to someone. And definitely it's not you.

[Ronnie]

Oh, my gosh. So I like. So he's like, okay, so before we have the baby, what, we need to have, like, another company. You need to make another million. I was like, another million? Yes, Paige, Yes, Paige, yes. And she's like, well, no. I mean, I just want the time that you were allotted. And I thought that that was a good thing to say. It's like, right? Like you didn't grow up. She's like, roll the clips of Craig five years ago. And Craig's in an airport being like, thank you, all of you.

[Ben]

It was literally the Denver airport, wasn't it? Because Deb was in the background being like, well, just so you know, there's an elevator over. It was the. It was the Denver airport. It was. They went on the ski trip, right? They came to Denver. It's full circle.

[Ronnie]

The mullet lady come and drag Craig away to the elevator. Come on, honey. Come on. This is not how we do it in Denver.

[Ben]

I would have loved to see mullet lady face off against Ashley with her water ox hair.

[Ronnie]

So she's like, yeah, I mean, I need the same time, you know? And he goes, well, if you asked me five years ago if I'd have a kid by 36. Yeah, Craig, if I asked you what you were going to be doing five years from now five years ago, you just have said an eight ball. I mean, give me a fucking break. No one in their right mind who saw you five years ago said, there's a guy who's ready to have kids. And the only reason they're saying that now is because Paige has been brushing you off and telling you what to say for the past three years. Fucking prick. Now, that's not to say he doesn't deserve what he wants. I think he does deserve what he wants. I mean, Craig is a sweet, dumb guy, you know, like, and he's hot. And hot people deserve things. I mean, haven't we learned that in this country?

[Ben]

And it's about time that hot people finally got things in life.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, it's about time straight hot white guys got what they deserved in this country. Yeah, but, you know, he does deserve that. But you don't just deserve it with anybody that you want. I mean, Jesus Christ, you can't just walk into the Applebee's and be like, mine. I've tried it. I try it every fucking time and it never works.

[Ben]

Listen, when you're punching up like he's doing, you just can't make demands like this. I'm sorry. Yeah.

[Ronnie]

So she's like, find someone who's ready and trust me, there's girls in lines with napkins in their hands. We've seen them ourselves.

[Ben]

We have.

[Ronnie]

So Paige is marry any one of those girls. Any one of those girls. Sorry.

[Ben]

That's okay.

[Ronnie]

I was just falling in love.

[Ben]

Ronnie is activated, guys, Ronnie is activated. So I don't even know why.

[Ronnie]

Just all those sweet girls following Austin. Like, no one was homely. And they were all like, here's my resume. I was like, that's your LinkedIn. God damn. Like, I'm just ahead of Nabisco. Call me whenever you'd like. I was like, oh, my God.

[Ben]

One lady literally brought over her bosses to be like, this is Austin from Southern Charm. No joke. So Paige is like, we know. Sometimes I get frustrated, and I'm not even saying it towards you. Just kidding. I'm totally saying it towards you. But Austin is like, asking like, oh, are you not having kids? And we see a flashback like, craig, when are you having kids? It's insane.

[Ronnie]

Why are you waiting? Is it your decision or is it because evil Paige is making you not have children? Baby killer.

[Ben]

And she's like, fuck, yes, it's my decision, because I'm the one that has to hold it in my fucking body. You know, Craig is, like, sad. He's like, but I saw. I saw that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. I can do it too.

[Ronnie]

Craig would totally do that. I mean, it can happen. I've seen it in the news. So Paige is like, yeah. You know, like, if you said to me right now, we need to have a baby or I'm leaving. Like, you'd have to leave. This is your state, and I would still make you leave just for saying it.

[Ben]

I was so blindsided by Paige. I can't believe we broke up.

[Ronnie]

So we went on. Watch what happens. You know, I mentioned earlier, and he was. Yeah. And Andy's like, so what is it? Because Paige went on her podcast and was saying that it was an amical breakup and everything was fine. He's like, no. And then the thing about him. Did Paige cheat or not? He's like, I will not answer that. How? It's none of my business what Paige did. It's not about that. You know, I'm not here to be mean to Paige. It's just that she didn't want me. She wanted other people. I was like, oh, okay. Oh, so you're really standing up, you little A hole.

[Ben]

Well, then he starts doing his cute little boy thing now because she's making great points in this discussion. And he's like, well, it's just like there have been times where I'm like, I don't know where your head was at because you change your mind. And then when you say things like our kids, like, I'll be like, I'll be a great husband. And I'll be like, oh my God, like, she likes me. Oh, shut up, Greg.

[Ronnie]

But she says over and over, no, he just doesn't hear it, you know? So she says one day, I think to Paige that means like when she's like Kenya Moore, she wants to have like a 50 year old baby. You know what I mean? And that's okay. Why not? Yeah, have them. And by then you can just have a nanny. And then you do what every parent should do.

[Ben]

Hi.

[Ronnie]

Good night.

[Ben]

And I just, I loved when she said, because he's playing this thing like, oh, I don't know if you like me. And I just like when she's like, if you can't handle the amount of love that I give, then that's a personal problem and that gets put on me and it's like, I'm the bad girlfriend now. So don't have a temper tantrum every time there's a situation that you don't like.

[Ronnie]

He's like, I'm not, I'm not. He's, I just want to have a baby now. It's not like I'm trying to put pressure on you. She's like, commercials. Here comes one right now.

[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

I did not realize the photo shoot was for this business. So Molly is going to. We're going to a Molly photo shoot.

[Ronnie]

Okay, let's have a quiz with the audience. So Molly is going to do a photo shoot today. Does anybody know what kind of business this was for?

[Ben]

Accessories, right? Okay, wait. It's for yes. The answer is yes. It's for an accessories boutique. Do you guys know the name of the accessories taxidermy?

[Ronnie]

You guys, she's doing a modeling shoot for Taxidermy local Accessories.

[Ben]

The branding may need some work. We may need Bethenny Frankel here. Well, I don't get it. Taxidermy. But it's like, bracelets. Like, I don't get it. Like, what's the matter? What's happening? What's going on, huh?

[Ronnie]

What are you stuffed in a peacock? This is ridiculous. I don't know what. What do I want, earrings from a dead rabbit? I don't want that. So I was just tasting the earrings. They're disgusting.

[Ben]

So Molly. Molly, as we've seen many times, you know, she has walked in Project Runway and for, like, Vogue and America's Next Top Model and all these things. And now, sadly, she is reduced to being styled by Pam from Taxidermy.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, she's like, I wanted to be a model, like, before I even knew what modeling was. So I went to, like, a model convention, and they were like, grow 6 inches and fix your fucking teeth.

[Ben]

Which is like.

[Ronnie]

So I did.

[Ben]

That was actually the name of the convention, Grow six Inches.

[Ronnie]

So I did. And, like, I grew my hair, and then I looked like a model. A model with a tuba. And that led me here to doing bathing suit shoots in pools for a taxidermy place that sells bracelets.

[Ben]

So she's gorsh. I love classical music. So Molly is in the pool, and then, like, Pam pulls out like a drone. I was like, pam, wow. I didn't realize taxidermy had this budget. And it was like this little. Little drone. It's like, course.

[Ronnie]

And Molly's just like, laying on a tuba. Tuba. She's laying on a.

[Ben]

It's a euphonium, a tube thing.

[Ronnie]

Staying on a tube thing. And she's just like. And lady's like, oh, my God, your look. I mean, it's so amazing. I don't even have to tell you to do anything, and you do it. I just say, bring in dead bear. And there you go.

[Ben]

I mean, Molly is the perfect person for this. Cause, like, I can totally imagine an America's Next Top Model challenge where Tyra Banks is like, girls, for this challenge, you'll be modeling accessories for a taxidermy shop in China.

[Ronnie]

Smize it, bitch.

[Ben]

Smize on a Runway that's on a pool.

[Ronnie]

So Molly's like, yeah, there's a really short shelf life for models. It might be shorter for that dove that they just put a scarf on. I mean, how? It's like a two week old or something before you stuff that thing.

[Ben]

Let me tell you something. The shelf life on a model is still way longer than being a girlfriend on this show.

[Ronnie]

That's true. You can last longer in modeling than you can as someone's girlfriend on this show. That's damn true. Okay, so then Molly's like, I don't know. Maybe Molly's getting her groove back. Okay, so let's go over to Shep's house. So Shep is nervous, and we know because he's doing this with his feet. They're like.

[Ben]

I was like, is this is his house on a train track? He's like, also, have you ever seen someone apply condiments to their lunch? More like a lunatic than Shep. He's like.

[Ronnie]

Chili sauce. He's like, Thai sauce. I was jalapeno sauce horrified. I was like, I don't know a lot about Shep with his fake ass, but I do know this. His butthole burns. It burns.

[Ben]

He's like. I was like, is this the first time you've ever ordered from Sweetgreen? Relax.

[Ronnie]

And then he starts, like, shoveling. You know how the guys eat on this show? They're always like, boots flying everywhere. Every one of them eats like this. None of them have parents. They all talk about being parents, but none of them seem to have any who were ever there to be like, close your fucking mouth. So he's doing that, and that's when he decides to make a FaceTime. No, do the FaceTime after.

[Ben]

I know. I mean, he looked like he was, like, auditioning for, like, a Sunny D commercial. And then he calls his, like, gorgeous, totally over it girlfriend, who's kind of like, if I'm still not a cast member on this show, I'm not answering this call anymore.

[Ronnie]

And he wonders why she doesn't want to answer the phone. Because you're eating on there all the time, you know, Every time. He's like, hey, how you doing?

[Ben]

It's like when you play Mario Kart and you get the squid and the ink comes on your screen.

[Ronnie]

Oh, yeah, the ink.

[Ben]

That's FaceTime on the ship.

[Ronnie]

So he's like, hey. And she's like, hey. This whole episode is disinterested women. And I fucking love it. I love it.

[Ben]

It's a good theme. We love that.

[Ronnie]

I love it because they're trying this year. After last year, it got really dark with the guys. They got into really dark places. Shep especially, but. Well, Craig had a good year last year, but Austin and Shep got into really bad places. So this year, they're like, oh, my God, they're just sweet guys. They all have girlfriends who aren't in town or anywhere near to prove that they're still douche. So they're really trying. So I like that we're getting some honesty on the faces of the girlfriends who are just like.

[Ben]

He's like, how are you? What's going on? Wow, you're all dolled up for 7:00am she's like, yeah, I had a early call, Tom. I definitely did not just get in from the club. He's like, oh, wow. Oh, so you've gone from saving the world to modeling now. That's amazing.

[Ronnie]

She's like, yeah, it's a tough job. And he goes, wow, I think I was 24 the last time I felt unsure of myself and twisted up about somebody.

[Ben]

Gorsh, listen, listen. I really want to play it cool with you, so I'm inviting 12 of my friends to come down to the Palmas and chase you down. Gotta play it real cool. Hard to get away from me.

[Ronnie]

Your family's gonna be around, right? Can't wait to swing with grandma. Nice swing set. Can't wait to meet your brothers, your father. She's like, yeah, they're all gonna be in different places. Can't even really give you one location. They're just all.

[Ben]

Well, I know you're busy, so I don't want to pressure you, but I'm just gonna have A friend in every single store in the island, and we'll figure out where you are every given time.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, you know, I'm just really busy. Goes, yeah, yeah, you're just so busy. She's like, not really. I have plenty of time.

[Ben]

And he's like. He's also trying to hide his rage about the fact that he's like, I'm a famous person who's really wealthy and you're, like, not interested in me. He's like, wow. Well, just looking at your schedule, I would say you're the busiest 26 year old in the northern hemisphere at the moment. But I'm nice. I'm nice, Shep. I won't yell at you.

[Ronnie]

She's like, no, not really. I just don't call you back. He's like, gorgeous. He's like, I'm not an insecure person. Thank Gorshness. But I thought I, you know, I wanted somebody who's my peer. But now there's an unequal balance of power, and I just don't like it a whole. A whole God darn much.

[Ben]

All right, well, call me when you have free time or text me or. Oh, you hung up about five minutes ago. I guess.

[Ronnie]

So. Then we go to Ms. Patricia's house, and we see my favorite Martin Sheen playing Randy the butler, who's just like. He's like, stepping on a little step stool, putting glasses away. And she's like, randy, are you on the ladder putting glasses away? Yes, ma'am. I have a button that removes the step whenever Randy's on it.

[Ben]

I was just imagining Patricia coming around the corner in a big toy just to ram into that ladder. So Brett the private chef is cooking. I think we saw him last season. I think he was very exasperated.

[Ronnie]

He's on every season. Yeah.

[Ben]

And she comes down. Patricia comes down. I actually loved her dress. That purple. The purple thing? Yeah. Shout out to a nice dress. And they're going over the menu and everything. Last year, when I had my back fracture, I couldn't do anything. But then I had Whitney try to do something, and I could still do more with him with a broken back than he could do with a fully functioning body.

[Ronnie]

So, yeah, so then the boys start arriving. This is why I could never live there or actually be friends with these people. They're all in sports jackets. Isn't it hot there? They're all in, like, velvet sports jackets and also douchey. You know, so they do that stuff. And so Austin's telling Whitney, hey, I want to hear about Cannes Con. Can Can? Why?

[Ben]

Why would they name a city after a can? It's ridiculous. Insane.

[Ronnie]

Right?

[Ben]

Now Whitney's like, oh, well, I was in Cannes for work, quote, unquote, work. I don't have a job. What is he doing for work at Cannes? Is he directing something? Is he making another documentary? Does anyone know? I've never heard of him doing anything.

[Ronnie]

But he's like, yeah, I was. I was in Cannes. And we would go to clubs and the clubs, the clubs, we'd stay there till 11am Let me tell you, it's nothing like being in a club till 11. The light gets brighter and brighter and the women get further and further away from you as the day comes. It's beautiful. It's beautiful.

[Ben]

I mean, isn't that what you want to see at 10am Whitney. Whitney in the club?

[Ronnie]

Or it's like clearance rack time at like one in the morning when they turn on the lights in the bar and we're all like.

[Ben]

You can find Whitney in the club, bottle full of bub. Everyone's face is horrified.

[Ronnie]

We all on the rack. Then nobody escapes it. Nobody looks cute in that, you know, but especially Whitney. Just.

[Ben]

So Austin. Austin's doing that thing where since he's around whispy, you know, Whitney. Whitney is like a purebred wasp. He's like the purest form of wasp. And Austin's trying to be wasp. So he's like, well, I've got a funny little parasocial commentary of the umbrella for you. It's like, what are you talking about? You're always trying to like more so longer of them. Joan Didion, am I right? So clever. Funny, hilarious story. I met up with Craig and Shep, and Craig picked up Shep, which I found to be a bit of an interesting note. Now Craig's like, oh, wow, you're my new best buddy. I think it's quite hilarious. What? Didn't you say?

[Ronnie]

So are you jealous of Craig and Whitney? Craig and Shep hanging out? Are you jealous?

[Ben]

Well, what I'm upset about is the very obvious, like, triangulation tactic that he's trying to use.

[Ronnie]

Oh. Oh. Actually, weren't you teaching him what triangulation was when we were at dinner and he was like, wow, that's so interesting. No, he already knew. He already knew that fake.

[Ben]

No, I was telling Austin about the drama triangle because I told Austin he was in a drama triangle with Craig and Chef. He's like, that's insane right now. Because. Why not?

[Ronnie]

Yeah, sorry. I'm just putting my ankle under my thigh and it's not easy.

[Ben]

He literally. He actually was. He literally did like an. It's insane right now. He literally was like, what? There's a triangle. There's something called a drama tri.

[Ronnie]

I'm so sorry. It says, like, this chair dips like this, so I can't do my usual moves.

[Ben]

I thought you were patting me on the thigh to be like, ben, don't tell the story about the drama triangle.

[Ronnie]

No, no, no, Tell him I brought it up. I thought it was funny.

[Ben]

No, he was like, what? He literally goes, there's a drama triangle. And I pulled up that there's a Wikipedia page for the drama triangle. He was like.

[Ronnie]

And he like, wow, that's amazing.

[Ben]

Did that thing where he laughs, but his tongue is, like, right in the middle.

[Ronnie]

I was like, think of it this way. You're just three douchebags taking turn, calling each other out. And he's like, okay. All right. So Austin's like, yeah. Craig is being like. Like, so much pettier than he. So forth. Wants people to believe it, but I don't do that kind of shit. So I'm not gonna shut my mouth. So then Shep comes in and we know.

[Ben]

Austin, you're not gonna shut your mouth. We've been watching for several years. That thing doesn't look.

[Ronnie]

Even between sentences.

[Ben]

So Shep enters and like, oh, gosh, look at Bob Evans over here.

[Ronnie]

Gosh.

[Ben]

Austin's like, ha, ha. I don't get it.

[Ronnie]

And then he's wearing black and white shoes. And Whitney's like, what, did she just come from the Cotton Club?

[Ben]

All right, poor people, get inside. My gay is showing up. Everyone.

[Ronnie]

Ryan.

[Ben]

Ryan's gonna say his first line of the season. Ryan, get right up here. You wanna say hi to the man?

[Ronnie]

Hi, guys. Hi. So good to be here. I hope my makeup's okay. Of course. What do you smell like? That's the gayest smell I've ever smelled. It's like, Eddie got it for me. It's pretty expensive. I don't know how expensive, but I don't really work. Someone has to.

[Ben]

So Craig shows up and his collar's all popped. So I thought. I think we all thought he was doing some sort of, like, Wall street cool thing. Like, gosh, Craig, what a look. He's like, oh, sorry, I thought my collar was down. He just was walking around with his collar up by accident.

[Ronnie]

So then Patricia's like, well, now, let me just say, I love Craig. It wasn't a purposeful exclusion at that last party. It's just that I never really? See, Craig, I mean, Shep and Austin are always coming and going, but Craig isn't here unless I explicitly invited to be here. Well, yeah. Who the fuck randomly shows up at your house? Even the mailman makes a reservation to go to that fucking place.

[Ben]

It wasn't purposeful that we excluded Craig. It was just funny. So then they're all talking about, like, oh, how are the driving lessons going? And apparently Shep is teaching Patricia how to drive. And we get these amazing flashbacks of Patricia in her, like, $500,000 Rolls Royce or Bentley or whatever it is. And she's just driving over curbs. And at one point, at one point, the car, the camera car, she's just.

[Ronnie]

Like, this is how she drives. This is how Patricia drives around the corner.

[Ben]

Straight.

[Ronnie]

Nothing ever moves. It's like, of course, Patricia. You almost hit that person. She's like, I missed her, damn it.

[Ben]

Normally on these shows, they always edit it to make it seem like, oh, my God, they're driving so crazy. But in this case, we see there is an actual person in the intersection. And Patricia's like, what's your tax bracket? Okay, too low. I have the right of way.

[Ronnie]

I'm going to need some help keeping straight. Could you just have all of the pores lie down in the street so I can see bigger dots?

[Ben]

I mean, she was running with this big ass. I mean, she was an inch away from being run over. She was like, oh, she'd, like, put the hands up and everything. Oh, I didn't see her.

[Ronnie]

So she's like, I haven't driven since 1932, and I don't plan to ever do that again. So then they make some small talk about blah, blah, blah. And then Ms. Patricia's like, well, I learned my lesson about Texas taking the car out. So now they're talking about gossip, you know, And Shep is like, here's some. Ms. Patricia, we're going to the Bahamas next week to meet the love of my life.

[Ben]

Do you need me to run her over? So they go in, they sit down. Now they have their whole. They're having, like, a Napoleonic themed meal, which is basically just like a bolognese. But she's like, this is my Napoleonic china. It costs more than all the houses you guys live in right now.

[Ronnie]

We're celebrating short idiots tonight. Unfortunately, JT's not invited. Every course has mozzarella on it. What the fuck? Did you notice that they start with the caprese, and then he makes something and puts a big blob of burrata on it. That is a farty part party. I'm just telling you that.

[Ben]

Very farty party. By the way, feel free to shush people that are talking if you're trying to listen to us, because we accept it.

[Ronnie]

Hit him.

[Ben]

We will not be offended.

[Ronnie]

No, don't hit him. Guys, we're all from the same family here.

[Ben]

We are. So then Craig is like, like this. This pasta is from the Barolo region. And Craig is like, that's where Paige's family is from, the Barolo region. It's like, Craig, you've just been in the pasta aisle. He's just dreaming. He's like, look at this pasta over here. Do you think, Paige, we can go visit your family members who made this pasta? She's like, craig, my family members didn't make this pasta.

[Ronnie]

So Patricia's like, so how are you with that little soul sucking vixen who's gonna leave you for dead on the side of the road? Craig, you feeling happy? Let's just say where she's working in la. And Shep's like, she's in la.

[Ben]

What? How is. Wait, how is Paige working in LA this summer? Isn't she on Summer House? Deep thoughts, guys.

[Ronnie]

So have you ever thought about an ultimatum? Yeah, let's see how that'll go. Try it. We already heard. And of course he doesn't mention, Yeah, I just took her to the B place and she told me if I gave her an ultimatum, not only was I dead, I'd be dead and single for life. But he does it. He's like, no, because I like what we're doing. You know, like everyone else kind of speaks for me. I don't care. I love this. I totally love not having a family or being married.

[Ben]

God, it's insane. Right now I just don't know what their day to day relationship looks like. Craig doesn't really, like, talk about his relationship.

[Ronnie]

And then it's that old adage, no one knows what happens behind Ken Burns's doors.

[Ben]

You just have to wonder, God, Craig's just not that mindset, man. I mean, who knows what happens behind closed doors? We're on the other side of a FaceTime to the Bahamas.

[Ronnie]

So Ms. Patricia's like, so how many years have you all wasted? I mean, been together like only two and a half, but everyone thinks it's been longer. And I'm like, oh, that's a decent amount of time for sure. I love all the guys here acting like they can't believe someone won't commit after two years. You fucking douchebags. Why? Watch this show. Watch this show.

[Ben]

And of course, they're also subtly undermining because Shep is like, oh, gosh, that's when Taylor and I broke up. Thanks. Thanks, Shep. So, well, you can keep going on and on, but it wouldn't be interesting. It would be interesting if you propose and either she accepts it or she doesn't. And then we could all laugh at you when she doesn't accept it.

[Ronnie]

We're gonna get married. Trust me. We're gonna get married. And Whitney's like, I can't even do. We don't. Oh, here, hold on, let me get this. Whitney has gone to the bathroom to do God knows what. And now he's got a full on napkin like a baby tucked into his shirt. And he's shitfaced. He's like, when, Craig? When are you gonna propose to her? Greg?

[Ben]

This is the drunkest we've ever seen Whitney. He is like slurring. And then Ryan, Ryan actually. He actually has more than one sentence to say. He goes, once the engagement happens, it's just like a certain level of security knowing, like, marriage is the goal, you know, and the engagement can be as long as you want. And you guys can do the New York Charleston thing. You know what? Oh, my God, this is really scary.

[Ronnie]

In my day, you'd meet, if you got along, you date for a certain period of time, you got engaged, you get married, you pop out a little boy with a Chucky wig and call it a day. When that one runs out of money, you throw them down the stairs and do it all over again. Rinse and repeat. Do I have to teach you children everything?

[Ben]

Also, in my day, roads didn't have curves or intersections.

[Ronnie]

You could hit a person in the road. Nobody yelled at you about it. So, yeah, she's like, back in my day, it was easy. Yeah, but back in your day, it was easier to get rich because you were marrying dudes with hundreds of millions of dollars. Craig has pillows.

[Ben]

So Craig says that he's gonna propose by the end of the year. Lol.

[Ronnie]

Which is very soon.

[Ben]

And this time, which happens after Thanksgiving.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Ben]

And everyone's like, aw.

[Ronnie]

And Shep's like, am I invited to the wedding? Yeah, but like, between us, I showed her a sheet of rings and I said, pick your favorite. And then she picked two that were my favorite actually, too.

[Ben]

So thank God, Craig, you showed her donuts.

[Ronnie]

So Ms. Patricia asked about the shape, and he's like, she picked an emerald cut and an elongated cushion. And we just hear PA ching. And Patricia goes, oh, well, that one's gonna need some side diamonds.

[Ben]

Okay, well, I'll come to you and.

[Ronnie]

Ask you about it.

[Ben]

I know you know your diamonds.

[Ronnie]

I think that was the first time Patricia ever respected Paige when she was like, that bitch just asked for 20 more small diamonds on the side. She's not so bad.

[Ben]

So Austin, you know, is asking, like, so what's. Like, are you gonna make her ask her if she wants to move down here? Whatever? And Craig's like, well, we don't know where we're gonna end up, but we're not gonna let that ruin the happiness of today.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. And then they just keep hounding him and hounding him and hounding him and hounding him. And Whitney's like, she doesn't want to marry you. She's a fucking loser. Nobody wants to marry you.

[Ben]

No one wants to marry you. Ronnie just fell over in his chair because, of course Patricia still puts out the chairs from 1400 B.C. you just broke my Napoleonic chair.

[Ronnie]

She doesn't even get mad this time. She just goes, I had the legs reinforced, but not the back.

[Ben]

Those chairs were pillaged from a country that doesn't even exist anymore.

[Ronnie]

I'm doing estate planning now, so if people are going to break my furniture, I'm watching them dying at.

[Ben]

But they have. They have, like, a backup chair ready to go, which is hilarious. They just have, like, a closet full of antique chairs.

[Ronnie]

So now they keep hounding him about getting married and stuff like that. And Whitney's too wasted to be there, so she's like, well, what are y'all gonna do in Nassau? Well, Shep's girlfriend. I haven't even met her yet. Is she excited that we're coming down? He's like, yeah, yeah, it's so great. Every time I call her, like, she's just so busy planning, she never picks up the phone. It's gonna be amazing.

[Ben]

Whitney's like, are you in love with her? He's like, well, yeah, we said that to each other. Cause I heard you're supposed to say that when you're on tv. And Austin's like, well, I don't think it's any secret that Shep isn't the most versed in love and signals. He's kind of a newbie at that. Okay, Austin, you can relax. Come on now.

[Ronnie]

So they all know this relationship. This girl is just totally using Shep to be on tv, right? Because the girl even came on TV and was like, yeah, I'm really dating him because my mom loves this show. And My grandma's the fan mail. Like, she's the head of the fan club, so. So it's kind of obvious. And Shep's like, well, I'm not really sure where I stand right now, but hopefully I'll find out. And Whitney's like, all right, here's where you stand, okay? You're not famous enough. And excuse me for a second. You're not rich enough. You're not famous enough. No one likes you. You don't have enough money and you don't have enough fame. Excuse me. I go to the bathroom.

[Ben]

Whitney just doing old man Wasp reads. It's great.

[Ronnie]

He's an asshole, but he's a funny asshole. And Step was like.

[Ben]

Whitney'S just jet lagged. He came home last night at midnight from Europe after going to some club.

[Ronnie]

At 11am Yeah, I really love the part too where Chef's like, yeah, I've got a girlfriend in Nassau. And Austin's like, yeah, I've got a girlfriend, like a state away or something. And she goes, I think it's quite convenient that you've all got girlfriends who are nowhere near you.

[Ben]

So Patricia's like, all right, I've had enough of these idiots. I'm going upstairs to watch Law and Order. You guys talk. So she goes upstairs, or as I.

[Ronnie]

Call it, Duck Dynasty. Did you see that? And watch what happens. They're like, what do you like? Nothing, Nothing, nothing, nothing. They keep listing stuff and they're like, duck Dynasty. She's like, love it. Those are my P Balls.

[Ben]

That's also probably the name of a new line of pillows from Craig. These are the duck dynasties. Just a pillow with ducks on it. It's my Duck Dynasty. So they're all sitting around now after Patricia's excused herself, and Whitney is like, ha, ha, Chapel. So the idea is that we go to Nassau, but you know that she has like zero interest in you.

[Ronnie]

So it's like, course that's not true. She just watched me eat a bowl of goodness and didn't even say anything bad. She's in love with me. He's like, like, she hates your guts. She hopes you die. And guess what she wanted. She tried to fuck me first on Raya.

[Ben]

Austin's like, wait, what? What sort of triangulation is this?

[Ronnie]

He's like, but I didn't respond. I didn't respond. He's like, well, I guess I knew that they connected on Raya. And Benny goes, it must suck me being better than you.

[Ben]

Gosh. But I'm not going to get any empathy from Whitney. And I think we've established that. So Austin, then. Austin is like, hey, Ryan, do you smoke cigars? You know, Ryan is like. He's like, up against the wall, hoping to blend in. Please let me leave. I can't be around us anymore. He's like, yeah, I smoke cigars. What do I do?

[Ronnie]

So they smoke cigars. And Ryan's like, shit. If you were to think about the perfect Bahamas trip, what would that look like? Well, there's part of me that thinks it'll be Kumbaya. We kind of remember how much we make each happy. We move from there. I tell her she's an idiot for messing up the game, and she says, you're right, chef. And I say, this is like Juliet and Romeo. And she says, what's that? And then I teach her on a long walk down the beach how to be a good person and an upstanding woman. Totally. This is all gonna work out. Good, good, good.

[Ben]

Go.

[Ronnie]

And even Craig's like, this guy's gonna die alone. This.

[Ben]

And they're like, it's gonna be a great vacation.

[Ronnie]

That brings us to the end of Southern Tron.

[Ben]

Thank you so much, Jennifer, for having us back. And use the fake, the secret elevator.

[Ronnie]

Thank you.

[Ben]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Countess speaking.

[Ronnie]

We have arrived because we're good as.

[Ben]

Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King Our.

[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

Put your hands together for Carly Clapp. Catherine D. Bernardo has our hearto get.

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[Ronnie]

For Hugo Hava Nagila Weber.

[Ben]

We could all learn from Jennifer Kearns.

[Ronnie]

She's our kind of mess. It's Jennifer Messer Sip some scotch with.

[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

Peacock, Kristen the Piston Anderson Get a bee in your bonnet with Lacey B.

[Ben]

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[Ronnie]

Gets a name from us It's Lindsey D. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Leno Fresh as a daisy It's Maisie McHenry we love her on the rocks It's Melissa Cox Megan Berg you can't have a burger without the berg this.

[Ben]

Is living with Michelle Vivian I love.

[Ronnie]

A ya Olivia Williamson tastier than Flanderson It's Rachel Manderson she sure is swell It's Raquel, yes, we canna It's Savannah.

[Ben]

Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman let's share with Sharon Eldridge the bay area.

[Ronnie]

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[Ben]

Us 10cc's of Betsy MD she's got a leg up it's Beth Ani we're.

[Ronnie]

Taking the gold with Brenda Silva let's.

[Ben]

Get real with Caitlin O'Neal don't get.

[Ronnie]

Salty with Christine Pepper can't have a meal without the Emily sides who, what, why, where? And Gwen Pantlands it's our queen it's.

[Ben]

Queen Laifa Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall know your words with Jason Kurt we got our wish It's Jen Plish she's not harsh She's Jill Hirsch she's a little bit loony Juni, my Favorite Murdo Karen McMurdo we love him madly It's Kyle Pod Shadley we're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Baron she's a wiz It's Liz Sarthy always killing.

[Ronnie]

It It's Lola Al Kalani the incredible edible Matthewson sisters she eases our woes It's Melissa St. Rose Give him hell.

[Ben]

Ms. Noel, she's the queen bee It's Sarah Lemke Shannon out of a cannon Anthony, let's take off with Tamla playing.

[Ronnie]

She ain't no shrinking violet Cootar. We love you guys. If you like, watch what crappens, you can listen ad free right now by joining Wondery in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short [e-mail] survey.

[Ben]

Welcome to the offensive line.

[Ronnie]

You guys on this podcast, we're gonna make some picks, talk some, and hopefully make you some money in the process. I'm your host, Annie Hagar. So here's how this show's gonna work, okay? We're going to run through the weekly.

[Ben]

Slate of NFL and college football matchups.

[Ronnie]

Breaking them down into very serious categories.

[Ben]

Like, no offense, no offense, Travis Kelce.

[Ronnie]

But you got to step up your game. If Pat Mahomes is saying the Chiefs need to have more fun this year, we're also handing out a series of awards and making picks for the top storylines surrounding the world of football. Awards like the He May have a Point award for the wide receiver that's most justifiably bitter. Is it Brandon IU T Higgins or devonte Adams? Plus, on Thursdays, we're doing an exclusive bonus episode on Wondry where I share.

[Ben]

My fantasy football picks.

[Ronnie]

Ahead of Thursday Night Football and the weekend's matchups, your fantasy league is as good as Locked in. Follow the offensive line on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can access bonus episodes and listen ad free right now by joining Wondery. Everyone out there should listen to Small Town Murder.

[Ben]

You really should.

[Ronnie]

Mainly because you never know who's next door. And that's, that's the point of this show, really. You never know who is next door. You never know what's gonna happen on Small Town Murder.

[Ben]

That's what makes it so wonderful. The only thing you do know is that people are gonna die.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. And we're probably gonna make jokes about it. That's it.

[Ben]

That's all we can promise you. We dig into these towns, we see what makes them tick, from local legends to scandals they may have had, and of course the biggest scandals of all, horrible murders that take place there. And we put our what I feel is completely appropriate comedic spin on the whole thing. And you know, you need a laugh right now. So get in there, listen to Small Town Murder, follow Small Town Murder on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Small Town Murder early and ad free right now on Wondery.