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A
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- [03:05]
A
Well, hello and welcome to Watch what Crappens everybody. I'm Ronnie. That's men over there. Hi, man.
- [03:11]
B
Hi, Ronnie. How are you?
- [03:14]
A
Good. Everybody, welcome to the show. It's the Valley day, so get ready for some toxicity, which is a word that was used 37 times today. But before we get to that, we are finishing up all to all. We will be in Austin and Dallas right, in May. It's going to be so fun. And then we're going to be in Vegas in May as well. So get your tickets over at watch what crappens.com. we're also announcing our two new dates probably at the end of the week. So hopefully.
- [03:41]
B
Fingers crossed. Yeah, fingers crossed.
- [03:44]
A
And they're going to be quick. So listen because you have to get tickets immediately. They're tomorrow. Also, our bonus episode is a trailer trash for NextGen NYC, the new show coming up on Bravo. We had a great time recording it. Check it out. As well as video recaps that are out new every day. Every day that we have new recap and those are on our patreon. And you can also find ticket links and all that stuff at Watch what Crappens Adult mall. So welcome to everybody. So right before we pressed record, Ben said, God, let's start recording the Valley. That show is mean. And I said, yes, this is a very, very dark show. Very dark.
- [04:23]
B
It is. It is dark. I mean, it's not a criticism that it's mean. You know, some, sometimes these Bravo shows, when they get too toxic, there's like a need to kind of like refresh, like Roni Season 4 or what's going on with New Jersey. Sometimes, like we need a little refresh. But I kind of feel like the toxicity on display here in the Valley, which is really toxic. Some of the most toxic stuff we've ever seen on Bravo, I think it's actually quite compelling and I think it's actually, it's not too toxic for me because what's kind of brilliant about the show is that like it was established as a show last season of look at all these LA people trying to be adults in the Valley. They've moved to the idyllic San Fernando Valley to have a suburban existence. And now we are a season in and things are Just so dark and. And scary, and it feels ugly.
- [05:16]
A
I mean, it just went to that. It went to cancellation territory immediately in season two. I mean, normally you get five years and it takes a cast to really start hating each other. I mean. Nope, this cast, like, refresh the Valley. Jeez. But, you know, I've started to believe in refreshes less and less over the years because guess what? I'm a Bravo viewer, and I have taken my medicine. I've received my karma from requesting refreshes and getting them. I know what that can entail. And so now I'm just like, let them kill each other at this point. Although I do have some questions. Did Jack, straight up, like, abuse Britney? And they're acting like they're playing violins during Jax's scenes and making it sound like Jax needs some kind of redemption from the audience because he's not getting it. He was throwing furniture and it hit her.
- [06:04]
B
Yeah.
- [06:04]
A
So does that. What do we consider abuse at this point? Because to me, like, why is he even on the show? I don't get it.
- [06:11]
B
I mean, it's. It is terrifying to me. Last week, it just. It seemed like when I say it just quote, unquote, it just seemed like he had flipped a coffee table, which was shitty enough as it is. This week, we find out he actually threw barstools around. I mean, throwing bar stools around is horrifying. I mean, flipping a table is bad enough, but throwing something big, heavy objects, damaging things, damaging walls, that is the sort of rage that I would not be comfortable around whatsoever. I mean, I think, you know, like, whether or not he's on this show, I think that's like, a question of cast safety. And if the cast feels like it's okay because they want to tell the story, then the cast feels that way. I think that one thing will be. We've learned is that sometimes when Bravo. When Bravo is, like, too much of a custodian over what the viewers, like, should and shouldn't see, like, it sometimes doesn't work out so well. And so it seems like they're probably all okay with it. But he seems, I think that Jax is a. I mean, this is the worst we've ever seen, Jackson. We've seen Jax be terrible, absolutely terrible. It's like, disgusting behavior from him. And watching him over the course of the episode literally try to justify it, you know, and he. He says all the things that. The sort of the faux accountability phrases that he knows he's supposed to say, like, it doesn't justify it. I'm not justifying this. And then he goes ahead and tries to justify things.
- [07:31]
A
Yeah, but what about me? Like, he literally was doing that. That's all about me, the Jen Shaw. Well, what about me? Yeah, I just, I feel like he's abusive and he shouldn't be here. And that's not me being like, oh, I'm. I can't take it. I'm like, it's not me just being a. Like, I literally think he's abusive and he shouldn't be here. I remember back in season two talking about Jax and saying something along the lines of, this guy. We see this guy in la, this kind of guy who's already washed up. Because at that point he was already washed up. Like, let's face it, he was like a washed up model, you know, used up, washed up, drug addict, user, abuser, narcissist, everything else. And I remember saying something along the lines of, yeah, we see this guy in LA all the time and this does not end well. This ends. Yeah, in a death, this ends in a murder. This ends in his death. This ends in death. This does not just go away. This is not. Jax isn't somebody you can. You know what I mean? That Jax is somebody that this ends badly. And so I don't know that I want to watch that on my tv, you know what I mean? I like it in fictional shows, which I guess is why it's in my mind, but I don't like it on. I don't want to watch anybody get killed on this show.
- [08:43]
B
I, I have to say, like, the thing that was running through my mind this entire episode was he is actually so lucky because if it weren't for the show, there would have been either, like, something tragic would have happened. There would have been. He would have wound up in jail. Like, he would have either beaten Brittany, he would have done something to that child. I'm not afraid to say this on the podcast, guys. He would have had, like, some sort of accident. Like what? Something terrible, terrible, terrible was gonna happen with, with Jax. Like, he was on a path and we've seen this for years, but, like, seeing him now that he was actually throwing barstools around because she, you know, sent a, sent a, a video to a friend. Now I understand why he was upset, you know, but also, you're banging, like, someone as well, and like, that double standard does not fly with me, sir. But it does not warrant any of that violence whatsoever. And I'm glad everyone told him that too. And I'm, I'm glad everyone was Pretty. No one, like, let him off the hook this episode, which was nice, but what I'm not really so interested in is any sort of as you. I think what you've said is, like, I'm not really interested in a redemption storyline where he goes to rehab and he comes back and he's a changed man. He's working on himself and he's better. Like, I don't need the breaking Bonaduce treatment for Jack Sailor. Like, he's just garbage at this point.
- [09:58]
A
He's garbage with or without drugs. Okay? And you can give him whatever diagnosis you want to give him, and it's not going to excuse anything. He's trash. Okay? What? And he's trying to already hide behind these diagnosis, and it's not going to work, sir. You do not get the victim cloak, fix yourself and do it off my screen because it's gross. And then I looked up during the show when, you know, how long did Jack stay in rehab? He say two weeks, and then he had his PR person release that he stayed for 30 days. No, you didn't, sir. It was timed. We. It was timed when you went in and when you came out. And he still even lies in press releases about how long he was in rehab when it was on the calendar, sir. People saw how long you were there, so, of course. I mean, just gross.
- [10:39]
B
Yeah. I mean, classic Jacks. Classic Jacks. It's. It's really. It's like, I'm really glad that Brittany has finally seen the light after all these years where we could all see it for her, and she's finally seeing it. I'm just. I just feel terrible that she got sort of suckered into this disgusting, narcissistic relationship.
- [10:59]
A
Brittany's no princess either. Okay. Britney's no, like, innocent either, but, you know, she's still. Nobody deserves Jax.
- [11:07]
B
I mean, no one deserves that. No. Yeah.
- [11:09]
A
Britney has plenty of shitty qualities herself, which we'll get into as we go along.
- [11:13]
B
Right. But it's not nearly as equivalent to what Jax does.
- [11:16]
A
Yeah, Jax is just. Yikes. But it was funny in a way, because it's like one of those shows where the mystery is solved at the beginning, or you. The audience knows the killer in the beginning, and then, yeah, you know, you have to go through the whole episode. I hate those, by the way. I'm sure I've said that a million times on the show. I hate those. I'm so sick of those shows. Like, oh, we already know who did it. Now let's watch how the wacky detective figures it out. No, it's not interesting. So, Els, I'm talking to you.
- [11:41]
B
Elsbeth, I thought you were talking to Natasha Leone.
- [11:45]
A
Poker face.
- [11:46]
B
You too.
- [11:48]
A
You're no Tony Shalhoub. That shows, actually, but I don't really.
- [11:53]
B
Now you're really. This. This toxicity is contagious from the Valley. Because now we're going. Now we're taking shots at Natasha Leone. She didn't deserve that.
- [12:02]
A
But we already knew. Everybody knows Jax has been a cokehead, but it took this long for the cast to finally say, and you're a cokehead. And it's like, oh, my God, we already knew this mystery. Like, stop acting like you solved something. Natasha Leone. Jack, it's just Natasha. Leon, you need to go to react. Jacks, I think you're a cokehead. Like, duh, Natasha, Catch up. Poker face.
- [12:24]
B
I know, but it is. It is kind of exciting to hear them actually articulate it finally after, like, 10 years of watching Jax Taylor on this show.
- [12:32]
A
Yeah. But then, of course, now it becomes like you all did coke, which they're like, oh, yeah, but you're, like, worse, you know, so. And also, coke gets a bad rap in this episode. Just saying. Okay, let's go forward with the Valley. Season two, Episode two, Checking in.
- [12:50]
B
Ooh, yeah.
- [12:52]
A
I'm all right. And, you know, this theme song becomes creepier as the show goes on, too, because the theme song is just like, because I'm all right. Because I'm all right Nothing is all right no one is all right none.
- [13:05]
B
Of you are okay no one is okay at all. I wish. I do wish this theme song were catchier. Like, I kind of feel like, as a spin off of Vanderpump Rules, it is. We are owed something that we can all sing along to. And just having what sort of sounds like Danny doing karaoke someplace in the Valley, going, I'm all right. Three under three.
- [13:25]
A
I'm all right.
- [13:27]
B
It's just. We deserve better.
- [13:28]
A
Yeah. We really do. I think they need something that's like, it's hot. It's hot. Oh, my God, it's hot. Because every episode they're like, oh, my God, it's so hot. And then it's hot and it smells, and you can rot in hell. The Valley. Something country.
- [13:47]
B
They really do. They. I mean, that is. I think part of living in the Valley is that you have to walk into a house and say, it is so hot outside.
- [13:54]
A
Oh, my God, the weather today. Am I right? But they're also all wearing sweat. Sweatpants and stuff.
- [13:59]
B
Yeah. What was up with that. Like, Zach comes in one scene and he's like, it is like a zone. He's like, it's a zillion trillion degrees out. I'm like, you're wearing a hoodie. Come on.
- [14:10]
A
Okay, we will start this recap, but we got a good 12 minutes of judgment in there first, so that was fun. So opening credits and now that this.
- [14:19]
B
Is different from last year. Yeah, yeah. Because last year I think we saw them as like duos kind of like doing silly things like pushing, like, lawnmowers and stuff. Right?
- [14:30]
A
Yeah, I think last. Yeah, Last season, I think was really leaning into the. Jax loves to mow his lawn.
- [14:35]
B
Yeah. And this season is more like vanderpump rule style, where they stand somewhere and they, like, look at the camera.
- [14:43]
A
Yeah. Right. Season four, it's going to be Jax just holding a leaf blower up to his nose and just snorting in whatever it's giving him.
- [14:51]
B
Yeah. So we see. I guess the first one we see is Nia and Danny washing a car with a vanity plate that says three under three. Three under three. Now, by the way, I have to say, I enjoy saying 303, but I think I'm. I'm not sure if I'm. He's really saying it a lot. He's really saying it. It's too much. Like I. I just. When every time he says 303, I'm like, you know, that's not a. I'm not excited when you. When you say that. All I think about is macaroni flying places, fingers up noses, and just chaos.
- [15:25]
A
I think of weight Watchers meetings back in the 80s when I was a little kid. And they would weigh you in, and then at the end, at the end, Janelle would be like, okay, we've got three under three. We've got three people under £300. We've got a couple of people and the two hundreds. Congratulations. And guess what? We've got one wonderland, people. One person who has made it into hundred pound territory. Danny, stand up, give a bow, honey. You earns it.
- [15:54]
B
Well, soon they're gonna be four under three or maybe four under four, because as, I mean, we knew that Nia was pregnant, but Nia and Kristen were both on Watch Happens Live last night with their big old bumps, and they were even bumping each other. They're bumping their bumps together, which was really funny. And actually the big thing that, like, everyone was talking about on Twitter last night was that Kristen retired her iconic green dress to the Bravo clubhouse, which I think Is just so funny. Like, here, Andy, here's a dress I wore. Seriously? Seriously.
- [16:22]
A
It's nice, subtle gift. It's not going to take up much space.
- [16:25]
B
Yeah.
- [16:26]
A
Don't you have a pamphlet? Something smaller that we could put in here? I'm not hanging a whole dress in here, ma'am. It's the clubhouse. Okay, so Janet and Jason are sitting under an umbrella by the pool. I've never hoped so much for an umbrella to fall over on somebody. So I heard that. So Janet kind of made it on this show by stalking Sheena and becoming her assistant. And then Jesse dated. No, Jason dated Sheena first, before Janet. So Janet just, like, gets all the runoffs.
- [17:01]
B
Wait, Jason dated Sheena? Wow. I don't. That's surprising to me. I don't know why.
- [17:08]
A
Me too. I see. She's surprised, too. I'm gonna look it up because now I don't know, because remember in yesterday's show I said that there are chickens that are raised headless for chicken? Well, that was an experiment in 2012, but they don't actually raise chickens. Just in case anyone was wondering around, wondering where to sign up for the chicken protest. I was full of shit. So I'm gonna put Jason dated Sheena. Did Jason Caperna and Sheena Shay hook up? Yes. Sheena hooked up with this cast member on the Valley, leaving friends shocked.
- [17:43]
B
Wow. Well, I mean, a hookup I can see, but I just. It's hard for me to see that actually being a relationship, you know?
- [17:50]
A
No, I don't know why, but I'd like that. He's one of Sheena's discarded crusty socks. And now he ended up with Janet. She deserves it.
- [17:57]
B
No, but I. I mean, I don't know. I think that Jason's a catch. I mean, he's like a lawyer. He's attractive. He seems to have a generally okay personality. Except I didn't like when he yelled at Zach last season at all. That's what I really didn't like. I think that Janet actually, I think Janet kind of, like, was punching. Punching upwards, right? Is that what they say? Punching? She was punching, yeah.
- [18:16]
A
She's punching up for sure. But Jason enables Janet. So there can be no Jason sympathy in my life.
- [18:24]
B
For those who were not watching, Ronnie gave a little sizzle finger to that.
- [18:27]
A
Because he's like, I'm waving my finger. I'm very upset.
- [18:31]
B
No, no, no, no blink of Janet.
- [18:33]
A
There was no. There was no Jason. Like, oh, Jason, he's, like, so nice and so supportive. He supports Janet. Okay. You know that's like. I don't know. That's like cheering on Marjorie Taylor Greene's best friend. Like, she said, no.
- [18:49]
B
Wow.
- [18:49]
A
That's a horrible human being. And I don't support anybody who supports that, period.
- [18:54]
B
Wow. Wow. I. I. The. The equivalency has been drawn between Janet and Marjorie Taylor Greene.
- [19:01]
A
I mean, are they far off? Janet will become Marjorie Taylor Greene. That's my new prediction. Janet will run for Congress.
- [19:07]
B
Oh, my goodness. I could see Janet running for Congress someday.
- [19:10]
A
And, like, I can, too. She's got the rayon for it, that's for sure.
- [19:14]
B
Yeah.
- [19:15]
A
So for their first couple years, until they're worth $20 million from insider trading, and then they move up to better suits.
- [19:24]
B
So anyway, opening credits, everyone's just standing around. Okay, well, whatever. Let's move on. So the we are. We start at Danny and Nia's house, and Danny is still talking about how he wants to move into the deep, deep, deep valley, where. I don't even think it's still the Valley. I think it's just a different valley. I think it's like, Antelope Valley or something like that. It's not the San Fernando Valley. He wants to go to Stevenson Ranch or Valencia. And, you know, Mia's kind of like, danny, do you still want to be on this TV show? Because this TV show is what's paying the bills. Okay.
- [19:54]
A
Yeah. And also, doesn't he work as, like, an under five zombie person? I mean, he's got to be there for that. They're not shooting out in Santa Clarita. Or maybe they are. I don't know.
- [20:04]
B
I work under five because I got three under three.
- [20:08]
A
Yeah. So maybe that's when he'll finally retire. When he's got five under five, I'll.
- [20:13]
B
Be like, but also, they can find life.
- [20:15]
A
I fulfilled. I fulfilled my destiny.
- [20:19]
B
Also, like, I do believe that they can find a house that they can afford within the San Fernando Valley. It just might be in some place like Van Nuys, but, like, you know, he wants that. He just wants to get, like, a big McMansion, which is why he wants to move all the way up there. But, like, you know, I think you got to stay in the Valley. This is now your. Your lot in life. You're on a TV show about the Valley, so you got to get a house. So get someplace in Chatsworth or Van Nuys or up by, like, Victory Boulevard somewhere, like, you can find something, right?
- [20:46]
A
Yeah, I mean, I guess we'll help.
- [20:49]
B
I'll go on to Zillow. I'LL find something for him.
- [20:51]
A
I had to drive to Calabasas a few times, and that's like a luxury, you know, that's luxury town.
- [20:56]
B
Wow.
- [20:56]
A
Far away. And it's far. That's far. Like, I don't know how Calabasas is.
- [21:00]
B
A different, like a different state. It's a whole different world over there. It's very far away.
- [21:05]
A
There's like a white fence, like a white pick. It's weird.
- [21:08]
B
It's like rolling brown hills over there. That's all it is. Dry. Like dry brush. Like, like it's like a very fancy place. Obviously people know it from the Kardashians, but when you go there, it's just like rolling hills and all the hills are brown.
- [21:24]
A
The hills are all brown. From the sound of okay, it's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.
- [21:37]
B
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A
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B
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A
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- [22:00]
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- [22:03]
A
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- [22:04]
B
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- [22:15]
A
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- [22:20]
B
Talking, listen to the original Dying for Sex and brand new episodes on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge the original series before anyone else and completely ad free on Wondri. At 24, I lost my narrative. Or rather it was stolen from me, and the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up, they connected with the people that I'm talking to, and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts.
- [23:36]
A
Okay, so he was like, come on, baby. We gotta move out to Valencia. Come on. We gotta go out to Stevenson Ranch. We gotta go out to Santa Clarita. All right. Marriage is all about compromise, baby. If you do this for me, I'll give you a baby. I'll allow you to use my tiny person sperm to make another baby. Another five under five.
- [23:59]
B
I don't think that's a compromise at all. I think that's a negotiation, and I think that's unfair. And I don't think, like, moving all the way out to Bumblefuck Santa Clarita is a reasonable, like, offset to her having a baby. No, I think, if anything.
- [24:15]
A
Oh, sorry, go ahead.
- [24:17]
B
No, I was gonna say having the baby is hard work. That's hard work. She deserves to have some. She deserves to be on, like, in the. In the first valley, not, like, the second valley down the. Down the highway.
- [24:27]
A
Yeah. What does this let you have? My baby? How about she just stays where she is and gets impregnated by a taller person? How about that?
- [24:36]
B
How about this? How about you get a job?
- [24:38]
A
One child that was, like, five feet taller than the other children reminding you of your insistence on moving to Santa Clarina. That's what you're gonna get.
- [24:46]
B
How about this, Danny? So how about. Why don't you supplement your zombie voiceover gigs with a job at, like, Circuit City or something? Like, find someplace. I don't know. We're at Costco. Yeah, that's the point. Like. Like, get out there. See what's out there. Get a job, get a job, get a job.
- [25:06]
A
And now we go over to Jesse's house, and he's Voice Texting about FaceTiming Isabella, who's like, yeah. Because he's like, call Isabella later. Is that what he's saying?
- [25:18]
B
He was. No, he was FaceTiming, I think, like, the mediator or something. And he was like. Or maybe his FaceTiming Michelle. He was. It wasn't FaceTiming. He was, like, dictating. And he was like, hey, when is it? When can I FaceTime with Isabella? And then it cuts to Michelle. This is one of the shadiest cuts of the entire episode. It comes to Michelle, and she's driving along with Isabelle in the backseat. And Michelle goes, oh, my God, Isabella, guess who is on FaceTime for you. So we all assume it's Jesse, because he just requested to do a FaceTime, and it turns out it's Aaron, Michelle's boyfriend, who's FaceTiming. And he's like, hey, what's going on? I was like, oh, that is. That is a shady switcheroo. That's like when Clarice. They made it seem like the police were coming to bust in on Buffalo Bill, but it was actually Clarice instead. And you know what I'm talking about. Okay. In the weeds. The point is, it was a shady edit.
- [26:08]
A
Well, she's like, look at my mustache. And then he said, yeah, that's a real something Saeed mustache. What did he say to her? Like, what the fuck did he just say? Because I feel like I should be offended. But I didn't really catch it. Neither did the note taker. But I was like, how dare you? I reserve the right to be pissed at you soon, Crazy eyes.
- [26:29]
B
She had a mustache from her smoothie, right?
- [26:32]
A
Yeah, but he said, yeah, that's like a real something Saeed mustache or something. And I was like, who's that? Are you.
- [26:38]
B
I don't remember him. I don't remember him.
- [26:40]
A
I'm watching Crazy. I'm a Gee.
- [26:43]
B
We'll keep tabs on that one.
- [26:45]
A
Then we go to. We go to Janet Jason's house. Janet and Jason are the ones who need to move. They keep serving people bowls of things in a closet. They need a bigger place.
- [26:59]
B
Yeah. And they have a very low hood for over there. Over their range. And it's.
- [27:03]
A
Yeah. Low hooded, tiny living. They need to move to a different place because I believe in child welfare, and I think that nobody should have to grow up that close to Janet. You don't want Janet leaving all over that baby. I mean, personality.
- [27:18]
B
You don't need. Here's what I say. We don't need that. That head is. Okay. I. I'm just going off of my memory because I didn't actually write down a note of like, let me talk about this hood. But, like, honestly, every time they go to her house, I'm always like, that hood is so low and so in the center of the. All the time. Right? Am I cra. That's is my memory correct by that. That there's like a low. There's a low venting hood. It's too much.
- [27:40]
A
They live like Sheena's tree. Like a cabin outback for Sheena, you know? So they've made Britney and Jasmine a casserole, which it's just rude if you ask me. And so Jasmine's like, oh, casserole, great. Yeah, thanks for the casserole. Don't really Love casseroles. Okay, that's a white person thing. So it's not a white person thing. I had no idea.
- [28:04]
B
I don't know if it is or not, but I'm gonna give it to her on this one.
- [28:08]
A
Just because it's a white person who's lost somebody thing. Because that's when we always got casseroles. When somebody dies or like your mom or leaves your dad for a few days, and everyone's like, oh, my God, what are they gonna do without the mom? And then they all bring you a casserole and you're like, oh, God, now I have to eat your mom's shitty cooking. God, I finally got a break from my mom's shitty cooking. Now I gotta eat your mom's. Jesus Christ.
- [28:30]
B
Well, that's. That's, you know, hence why Vicki was so upset that she didn't even receive one.
- [28:35]
A
Yeah. After all, dad, please apologize to Mom. Bring her back. I can't have another person's shitty mom casserole another night of the week.
- [28:45]
B
I know this may be shocking, but I did not grow up in a casserole household. I don't think my mom made a casserole a single time growing up. Not that I can remember. So I have no.
- [28:54]
A
This wasn't stirring eggs and milk and cheese into something, putting in the oven and calling it a dish. Because that's what the casserole. You can throw any dam damn thing in there and call it a meal. That is not a meal, people. Okay? It's slop. It is slop. I don't care what any of you say. And I know casseroles. I grew up on them. My memaw made them constantly. The only good casserole is a Frito casserole. Embarrassing.
- [29:15]
B
Wow. Okay, take.
- [29:17]
A
We're taking a lot of stance casserole. Anything with Fritos was. I love Fritos casseroles. No one died here. Take your casserole home and certainly don't serve it to me in your home. Gross. So she serves them some casserole. And Janet, Jasmine is like, no. She's like, jason, you eat this every day. I'm like, the. And that was Jasmine's contribution for the day.
- [29:41]
B
Yeah. Poor Jasmine. They still haven't really found a good use for her. So they go to sit in the sitting area, and the terrarium is there that Janet and Brittany made last week. And Brittany's like, oh, you're terrarium. It's cute. She's like, yeah, it's sweat. It's kind of gross. Okay, so last night I barely know what happened. And Janet's like, well, so last night, last, I just went downhill quickly, you know, because last night Britney had a party downtown and. And Janet tried to make amends with Kristen. And that did not work out well. Because Kristen is like, no, because just because now you see that the audience is on my side doesn't mean I'm automatically going to take you back. So you missed your opportunity.
- [30:24]
A
She never really apologized. And this is typical Janet how she relays the story. Well, it's about typical Janet and Brittany, because then Brittany's like, I didn't even see what was going on or I would interfere. There was just so many tall people there. But this is so Janet, how she relays the story. She's like, yeah, you know, I talked to Kristen and I apologized for, you know, the comments that Zach made. You know, I said something like they weren't supportive of my pregnancy. I don't know, something like that. No, you said that they didn't want your pregnancy to come to full term. You said that they wanted you to lose your baby, Janet. That's what you said. They said you wanted. They wanted your baby dead is what you said, Ms. Amanda. Brittany's okay. Casserole, you low hooded casserole queen.
- [31:11]
B
Low hooded. I feel like I really need to see an image just to back it up. Because what if we go back and it turns out the hood is at a perfectly normal, respectable height? Then I really have to eat my words. And I just, I just feel weird going out on such a limb taking such swipes at that hood.
- [31:27]
A
So when you're feeling worried about it, just remember there are chickens being grown without heads to make chickens.
- [31:34]
B
So Britney is like, so what did she say when you said those things? And Janet's like, well, she kind of went in a little bit more and it just felt like I was talking to a crazy person. And Brittany's like, oh, well. I was like, you know, there were so many tall people. I was like, gee, you're like a bunch of redwood forestry people, aren't you? Is crazy. I can't see you.
- [31:53]
A
Damn.
- [31:53]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [31:56]
A
So Janet's like, I mean, Kristen, admit wrongdoing. I mean, grow the up, why don't you grow the up, Janet? Why don't you admit one wrong thing that you ever done in your life? So then Britney's like, yeah, I mean, I just wish that, you know, you would have kept on partying with me. That's the only thing, you know, that's the thing that really upset me. I'm just going through so much. And Jasmine's like. Literally, I was like, ugh.
- [32:22]
B
Yeah. Jasmine's other contribution. I was just, like, really disappointed that it went so south. And, like, I knew I was gonna cry, and I was like, what am I gonna do? Like. Like, what am I do? Stand in the middle of the party and cry? I'm like, it hasn't stopped. Literally any one of these people on this show or on Vanderpump Rules ever before. And we see a flashback of her at the party being like, jason, we have to go. We have to go. I'm gonna cry right now. We have to go. So, yeah, she went through it that night.
- [32:49]
A
My baby could have died if it saw me crying. They tried to kill my baby again. Babies don't like, upset mothers. So she's like, yeah, I know, guys. You know, I know it's just words, but, like, the Zach said up my head, no, no, no. You were being an. And you were trying to keep him out of shooting. And everyone said, don't be mean to her or she. You know, that's not good for a pregnant woman. And he said, I don't care, meaning I don't. You can't use your pregnancy as a weapon against everybody, Jack. Yeah, he's what he meant. That's what everybody knew he meant that. You're trying to make it sound like he's a baby murderer, and you took.
- [33:26]
B
It in a very literal way and you ran with it. We all see it, we all know it. We get the context, okay? So Jasmine's like, listen, last year was hard for you. And I know that being pregnant, I can't even imagine. And Brittany's like, yeah, I get why they're mad then. I love them all, but, like, I just can't be in the middle of it, okay? Because, by the way, I got a lot going on, you know, with jx, but you gotta, like. But strong and stuff, you know? Because, like, dealing with jx, it's already, like, so much for me. And I just want to be a good friend, but at the same time, I'm just like, we're adults. Like, we can figure this out.
- [33:59]
A
That's fun. Britney saying that because Britney kind of started all this.
- [34:02]
B
As I recall, Brittany 100 started all this, right?
- [34:04]
A
And she's like, I just can't get in the middle of this. What the heck, y'all? I'm just a girl.
- [34:11]
B
Because wasn't it. Wait, just. Just to recap from last year, because it was a whole game of telephone wasn't the whole story that Janet told was the Janet tell Brittany that Michelle might be, like, a Republican. And then Brittany told Kristen and then.
- [34:24]
A
Chris, Zach, watch out, because she told Zach and Brittany watch out because Michelle's a Republican, which probably she said some things that maybe make her homophobic, which apparently what she said was like, the don't say gay thing in schools was going on.
- [34:39]
B
Right.
- [34:39]
A
There was something saying, well, I stand for the children, and I stand for this, which is problematic to say. Sorry. Like, if you say that, at least defend it. Like, no one's asked her about it still to this day. And so then Janet. So then Britney told Janet, and then Janet said, zach called you racist because he said you're a Republican, so you're a racist. So Brittany was there. Right.
- [35:01]
B
But, like, Kristen is the one who just. But ultimately, Kristen is the one who, like, said it at that one party.
- [35:06]
A
Yes.
- [35:07]
B
And so then they all came at Kristen, and then Janet was the one who did. Did ultimately start this. And so for her to be like, I can't believe Kristen would say that, it's a total deflection of her role in this entire mess that kind of got all of last season going, you know? So that's why it's just so strange to me that. That. That Janet keeps saying, like, Kristen has to own up to what she did wrong. I'm like, I don't know what she has to own up to that she hasn't. She actually already did try to own up to it. Like, last season, she apologized a few different times, and you wouldn't accept it. And now she's over it.
- [35:41]
A
It.
- [35:41]
B
And now she doesn't want to hear from you anymore because she's got, like, all of the viewers on her side.
- [35:47]
A
Yeah. So Janet, Jasmine's like, oh, so I guess you unblocked Zach. Right? She goes, oh, my God, I don't even remember unblocking him. So then we go to Jackson, Brittany's house, and Jax is doing something I never thought I'd see, which is folding laundry. He's like, I'm different now. So then Kristen comes, and it's awkward as hell, and she's like, oh, my God, it's, like, so weird in here. It's, like, so quiet. It's, like, so crazy without, like, that feeling of, like, whoa, someone's about to be murdered. It's crazy.
- [36:17]
B
Well, I guess I won't sit on that stool because that's the one you broke when you threw it. And he's like, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, I threw my chair, by the way, I have, like, a little bit of a cold, so, like, my stuffy nose works really well for Jax. Really sort of speaks to that whole, like, you know, cookie, cookie nostril, cookie nostril Roberts situation. So Jax is like, yeah, you know, I threw my chair. I threw a cup. I don't know. Like, she made me do it. And Kristen's like, okay, well, how are you? How are you doing? It's like, I don't know. I'm a mess. I'm a mess. Yeah, it doesn't look like you're doing so great. What happened? It's like, I. I don't know. I don't think I've ever gotten that mad before in my life. And I'm not justifying it, but, like, I didn't just fly off for no reason. Wasn't my fault. Wasn't my fault that my wife is a skank.
- [37:00]
A
Yeah. She's like, yeah, that's justifying. He's like, no, no, I'm not justifying, you know, but I didn't just do it for nothing, you know? Like, it wasn't just nothing. It didn't just come out of nowhere. You know what I mean? Like, who's gonna apologize to me losing a stool? Like, that's. I'm the one who deserves the apology. And she's like, okay, well, your feelings are valid. You can have feelings, but you can't. You know, you got to do something, Jax. And he's like, I know, I know. Like, she's upstairs. She's upstairs, like, saying, I want to.
- [37:25]
B
Work on my marriage.
- [37:26]
A
And then I go on an iPad and I see these messages. I mean, what. Then I threw. So you know what? Sorry, but that's what you do when you put messages on there. That's what you do. That's what you do.
- [37:38]
B
Finding out that my best friend was hooking up with my wife, I was just like. Like, again, just as a reminder, I mentioned this last week. Just as a reminder, you and Kristen did this exact thing. Tom Sandoval, many years ago, okay? So, like, don't act like it hasn't been your first time at the rodeo. You. You have been Julian, in this situation. He's like, I just felt like. It was like. I just felt like I was the Russian in Rocky 4. I'm, like, not trying to play victim here, because I'm not saints in our marriage, but I thought we were trying to move forward. I'm like, you are trying to. To play a victim here, so you Saying you're not trying to play a victim does not negate the fact that you literally are trying to act like you're the victim in this situation when you, like, you threw stuff and you're also banging people.
- [38:16]
A
Wasn't the Russian the bad guy in Rocky 4?
- [38:20]
B
I, I, I never saw it.
- [38:21]
A
I mean, I'm assuming, I'm assuming that it's an American movie made in that time period. The Russian would be the villain, right? Like, we're a pretty predictable country. But I just thought, I wonder if that was the villain that he just compared himself to you. So he's like, yeah, you know, I've gotten to the point where I'm just not happy. You know, I'm just not happy. That's it. And, you know, it's like the last time I was happy, I think, was when my son was born. You know, it was also the last time I got a decent line, you know, dealership. It's a bunch of. And Kristen's like, well, do you want to be happy? He's like, I kill to be happy. I would kill someone to be happy.
- [38:58]
B
Use different words. Jax. Also know this may sound super cynical. I don't believe that the last time Jax was happy was when his son was born. I think that he's been jealous of his son and the attention that his son has gotten. And that's why, like, he has struggled over the past few years since his son was born. And every time he, like, cry, tears up because he wants to do something for the son, do something for the son. I just don't believe it. I'm sorry. It's really callous of me, but I just, I don't, I don't believe the sincerity of it, because we saw last year, like, he just barely seems, like, give a shit. Like, you know, Brittany was doing everything for that kid. And I think it's just, like, it's an easy card for him to play, and it's a humanizing card for him to play. And even if he does, even if it is sincere, I don't believe it, because this is coming on 10 years of lies. So, like, whatever he says does not ever resonate as truth to me.
- [39:51]
A
Yeah, I think you're right. When he, when you say it's, it's repairing, it's like a reputation repair, you know, he's using his child as, like, a human shield from, from people. As far as the rest of it, I don't know. I haven't seen them together enough. But I've seen how he treats Everybody else that he, quote, unquote, loves, and it's not great. So, you know, that's all I'll say about that one. I have no idea. So he's like, yeah, you know, I've gone down this road before with therapists. Oh, really? How many therapists you've been to, Jack? Really? Liar. And he's like, yeah, you know, I just have everything going for me. I have everything going. Also, I love that he's wearing. He's having mental breakdowns after. He just basically abused his wife and is getting thrown in rehab or else he's not going to be able to stay on this show. And he's walking around in a Jax's sweatshirt and a Jax's hat. Like, this is how you choose to advertise your stupid restaurant, Jacks. This is how he's like, come on, everybody. Abuse, abuse, abuse. Come down to Jax's. We've scratched Mamaw's beer cheese off the menu because Brittany made us. It's going to be nothing but a peaceful experience. Come down.
- [41:01]
B
He's like, I just. I can't be happy anymore. Like, I just. I'm just miserable. I, like, I don't. I don't want to live here anymore. I miss my sister. I miss my. Why isn't my dad here? He should be helping me with this. And I don't have a mom. I'm like, oh, you do have a mom, actually, and I can't talk to her. And I've been to. And I take it out of my wife. Oh, it's like this moment of, like, faux introspection that he's trying to show here, as if that makes anything better. And it doesn't. Chris is like, okay.
- [41:25]
A
Also, the thing about his mom, and this was just something that was going around when he's like, oh, my relationship with my body is, like, totally broken. Wasn't it that he went to the house? And this is allegedly, as I say later in the show, because I have no idea. This is just from reading Reddit threads back in the day. But wasn't his thing with his mom that when the dad died, he left the mom his stuff and then Jax went over and stole the dad's car out of the. Out of the driveway. I mean, whatever it was, no mother is just not going to talk to their son? Well, I shouldn't say no mother, but most mothers are not going to just cut off their son unless they've been really, really up.
- [42:03]
B
I just always take everything that Jack says about his. Whatever frayed relationships he Has. I just take it with. Not just a grain of salt, like it's a full on salt quarry that I'm taking it with because I just. I just never really believe that's the true story. Like, there is always more to it. And so. And I think what's actually strange to me is later in the episode, Jax talks about how, like, he, like, he grew up in his. Like, he said his dad was basically violent, right? And. Or had outbursts, etc. It's so interesting to me the way he simultaneously idolizes his father, you know, which is, you know, it's your dad. Dad. I don't take that away from him. But he idolizes his father. But then he also talks about how really, kind of like his dad's behavior was really not healthy whatsoever. And I think that, like, the fact that he has not been able to kind of like, real, like he's. He has not been able to reconcile those things is. Is actually very sad. The fact that he's like, I wish my dad were here to help. I'm like, yeah, but you, you just. You're gonna tell us about why your dad was actually incredibly toxic to you growing up, you know? Yeah. It's dark.
- [43:10]
A
It's dark, it's dark, it's dark. And so Kristen keeps trying to remind him. She's there to remind him about Britney, right? So she's like, right. And this is affecting Britney so badly, right, Coco? And he's like, no. Like, what about me? What about me? Nobody checks on me. What is somebody checked on me. Nobody checked on me. And she's like, oh, my God, Jax, but you're the one in the wrong, okay? And he's like, no one cares about me. She doesn't care about me. Like, she checked on me. And she's like, well, actually, I've been with her be. And she's sobbing because you call her ugly and fat. And he's like, what? I never called her fat. She goes, yes, you have. I've seen the text. He's like, but I love fat chicks. Like, I love fat chicks. Like, there is nothing like motorboating a fat chick. All right? Like, I don't know what you're talking about. Like, look through my phone. Look through my phone. Everything I jerk off to is a fat chick.
- [43:59]
B
I love women that look like her. Meanwhile, yeah, every single girl that Jax has ever banged does not look like Brittany. Currently, everyone has that friend who seems kind of perfect for Patty. That friend was Desiree. Until one day I texted her and.
- [44:21]
A
She was not getting the Text. So I went to Instagram.
- [44:25]
B
She has no Instagram anymore.
- [44:26]
A
And Facebook. No Facebook anymore.
- [44:29]
B
Desiree was gone. And there was one person who knew the answer. I am a spiritual person, a magical person, a witch, a gorgeous Brazilian influencer called Cat Torres, but who was hiding a secret from Wondery. Based on my smash hit podcast from Brazil comes a new series, Don't Cross.
- [44:51]
A
Cat, about a search that led me.
- [44:53]
B
To a mystery in a Texas suburb. I'm calling to check on the two missing Brazilian girls, maybe get some undercover crew there. The family are freaking out.
- [45:02]
A
They are lost.
- [45:03]
B
I'm Chico Felitti. You can listen to Don't Cross Cat on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. So Kristin's like, I have heard Jax say these things to Brittany, especially over the last three years and even when she was pregnant with Cruise. So, Jax, Jax, you're not going to win here. Which is terrible that Jax is calling.
- [45:27]
A
His pregnant wife fat. Of course, of course.
- [45:30]
B
Of course he is. I also, I love Jax still saying, no one checks in on me. No one checks in on me. And then later in the episode when, like, more people. More people check in on him, like, literally, Kristen's there to check in on you. He's like, I've had this conversation so many times this week. It's like, so do you want people to check in with you or what?
- [45:46]
A
No, he doesn't want them to. He doesn't want them to lecture that. He wants them to come over and say, God, I'm so sorry you're going through all this, Jax. Britney's such a. Yeah.
- [45:55]
B
And no one's giving him that, which is great. You have to control your impulses, the rage, the reactions. It's not easy, dude. And Jax is like, oh, oh, you know, you've hit rock bottom when Kristen Doty shows up at your house before noon to talk about your issues. Well, which.
- [46:11]
A
Here you are.
- [46:12]
B
You are. You have. You have reached it.
- [46:14]
A
So she's like, you can't even be around Cruz. This is so terrifying. You can't even be alone with him because you can't control your rage. I mean, come on, dude. Like. Like, put Cruz first, you know? And if he were here right now, like, what. What would you. Or if he was there when you were throwing furniture around, what the would you do? You know? And he's like, I know, I know, I know. You're right, you're right, you're right. Hopefully I've taught him to catch well enough that he would have just caught the stool and thrown at his mom, who I was aiming it at in the first place. But you know what? You're right. You're right. I take full accountability, you know, for Brittany being a stupid.
- [46:46]
B
If life is, like, not easy. And I don't understand how rock bottom for you do is not right now. So he's like. He just was like, what? He shrugs. Well, the thing is this. The reason why it's not rock bottom for him now is it goes back to what we said before, which is that, like, rock bottom for him would be him winding up in jail or him like. Like having some sort of hit and run or something, where there would be a fatality that, to me, is truly going to be Jax's rock bottom. And I don't think we're there yet, which is morbid to say, but I think it's. I think that's still, like, in the cards.
- [47:19]
A
So then we go over to Britney, and Zach comes over to her. Airbnb or whatever she's living in, which is actually really nice. And it's got to feel much better being there than in that house with Jax. So she's over there. Zach comes over with some Chinese food, and he's like, hey, baby. Hey, little baby. It's me, Zach. And the baby's just like, oh, God, please. Metal.
- [47:43]
B
Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Cruise is like, it's. It's a lot for Cruise. And so they just. They accept some, like, Chinese food and everything. And Zach is like, oh, my God, it's like a zillion trillion degrees outside. Like, I don't know. I wore this hoodie, but I had to also, like, cover up my sins. So they go outside and Zach is like, so have you heard from jocks recently? And she's like, yeah, well, he texted me this morning saying that he missed his son, he wants to slay him. And then he just wrote to me and said, all I ask is that you check in on me. Show me that you care. If you have time to seeing that pics, you can check in on your husband who's going through a hard time. Why is Jax going through a hard time right now? Please.
- [48:20]
A
By the way, why are they having this conversation in front of Cruz about what a piece of Jax is like?
- [48:26]
B
Come on. I was also confused about that.
- [48:28]
A
Britney's kind of trash, too. Sorry. But she. I just worry for that. I just want to show up in my van and put the kid, like, get in the anti van. Okay, we're going a few blocks. I'm gonna raise you. Okay. This is What?
- [48:40]
B
I was also wondering that. That this is how to bring on.
- [48:43]
A
In Amazon packages and unwrap them. Okay? This is what you're. This is what your life is going to be until you're 17. So she's like, yeah, you know, coming. So I'll send him some pictures. I mean, it was just my boobies. And he's like, you know what? Like, you're starting to send them because.
- [49:01]
B
Stella got her groove back.
- [49:02]
A
Am I right? You know what? Like, I'm gay. We're like, here's my dick. Here's your dick.
- [49:07]
B
Boom.
- [49:08]
A
We're done with dicks. You know? Like, I mean, if we really want to get private with somebody, we show them our w. You know? But otherwise, like, it's not that big.
- [49:15]
B
Of a deal now. I mean, I think. I think that Britney is well within her right to get her groove back, and she should be sending. She should be sexing guys and, you know, being treated properly. I don't know why she decided to dip in the same pool as, like, the Jack's Circle. I think that was, like, maybe. I don't. I don't know why. I think it was a. I think it was a terrible mistake on her part. She shouldn't. She should have just, like, steered clear of Jax's entire area because you have a whole. You're dealing with a narcissist. You're dealing with someone who's gonna be contentious. And you.
- [49:48]
A
You.
- [49:48]
B
If it comes out, you just don't want to give him any ammo that he can use against you. And I think it was really bad judgment on her part to go down this path with Julian. However, the. However, of course, the punishment doesn't fit the crime. Anything that Jack does. I'm not saying that Jax is. Is justified in anything he does, but I think that Brittany could have made a better choice in who she was going to get her groove back with.
- [50:11]
A
Yeah, I mean, a friend of Jax. It's like, class to class. Let's just keep on. Keep on moving sideways, Brittany. And also, like, send your titty pics, maybe not on your kid's iPad. And that's weird. So she. He's like, you know, I hope that she realizes that she's been walking the wrong path for a while, and she's like, oh, you know, I mean. And then here he is parading around girls who literally shake their tits for money. I mean, come on.
- [50:41]
B
Yeah, because she deserves the best, and she's been accepting the worst. That's Britney. And Britney is like. Like, I just it's just like. It's so much going on. It's just like, oh, my God. And I just really want everyone to be able to have fun. And I just like, even last night, like, I haven't even had a conversation really with Kristen about her and Janet's conversation. But I didn't have a conversation with Janet today. And you guys got to figure some out because I had a conversation with Janet, then had a conversation with Jason, and then a conversation with a Terraria. Him. Anyway, so good. It was a really good conversation all around.
- [51:07]
A
I don't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember casserole. That's real good stuff. So he's like, you know what? She's just as bad as Jacks. And last year when she was saying I was aggressive, like, girl, you know. You know, I was not aggressive. Okay. And I like when he gets mad because his eyebrows turn into, like, sideways triangles. He's like, I was not aggressive. You saw that. Okay, okay. It's because we were in a bar. That's why I was yelling. It was, like, so loud in there. So, like, Janet. Okay, like, what? Wait, hold on. I didn't want to talk about Janet. I want to talk about you. Because, like, this has made such a wedge between us. It's like a literal wedge. And Britney's like, okay, you going to cry?
- [51:48]
B
You going to cry now? Okay, get it out.
- [51:50]
A
She's not going to apologize. And she tells us. She's like, I did. She goes. I did put the distance between Zach and her because what's. What he said about Janet. What he said about Janet. There had to be a wedge. And then that wedge was delicious cheese. So I melted on top some tortillas and put an egg in it, called it a casserole.
- [52:11]
B
Since last summer, there's been a little bit of a distance between Zach and I. And it's just all about the things that Zach said about jail. And. Yeah, she's talking about that wedge. And Zach, he's like, also, the other reason why I'm, like, kind of upset is because of, like, Bungie. And she's like, what? Yeah, well, he's my boyfriend, actually. And, like, we broke up. And she's like, oh, completely. I mean, like, he could get possibly deported and, like, his visa didn't get renewed. And she's turns out that he's in this situation, which I still don't understand by the end of the episode, that he's got this boyfriend who's Canadian, but, like, can't really be here. But is also married to someone else, but then, like, is going to be deported, but somehow is able to stay with Zach over the summer. I. I'm very confused by this whole situation.
- [53:00]
A
He's married to somebody else. Who's he married to?
- [53:03]
B
Someone else? Yeah, he's married. He's like. He's in the process of divorcing a guy, but he also is in the process of being deported, but also is possibly going to spend the summer in West Hollywood. I don't know.
- [53:14]
A
Oh, my gosh. Yeah, that's a lot. It was just weird because he was like, yeah, like, Benji and I broke up because he's literally gonna get deported. Like, literally gonna be deported. And, like, he just doesn't want the stress. Like, he's got to be deported, and so, like, he doesn't want the stress of dating. It's like, I think Banshee doesn't like you because it sounds like a. I don't think that's a real reason to break up us.
- [53:36]
B
All sign.
- [53:36]
A
All signs stressful. I'm not taking away Banshee's stress. I'm just saying I've never. I don't know.
- [53:43]
B
All signs for the rest of the episode indicate that Benji may not totally love Zach.
- [53:47]
A
I don't think Benji likes you, babe. I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but Benji's sorry. Can't go out this Friday being deported. He's like, what? Yeah. Dirt. He's blowing you off.
- [54:04]
B
Yeah. So he's like, yeah, Bungie's Canadian, and he's getting deported, and he's still married, but he's also separated. And you know what they always say? I'm, like, not dramatic, but, like, maybe I'm choosing drama. And, like, I don't even realize it. I'm like, you were friends with Janet and Kristen and Brittany, so I would say, yes, you do choose drama.
- [54:20]
A
And he's very. He's very this show and very L. A in making someone's deportation about himself. He's like, oh, my God. Like, am I just choosing somebody that's getting deported because I like drama? Like, no, it's, like, a terrible thing. That's so. That's like. It's a real thing going on in the country. It's a fucking horrible thing. I'm not laughing about this.
- [54:43]
B
That.
- [54:43]
A
I'm just laughing that he's making about himself, you know? Yeah. So he's like. He literally said, like, he just. He thinks I deserve everything and a better wig. I mean, it was so nice. And, like, I just want it back. So Britney's like, now, if we're going to both date, does that mean we're going to be each other's wingman? Cuz I need somebody to have wings with.
- [55:07]
B
Oh, I'm always your wingman. Okay, I should probably get into the pool because like, oh no. But my spray T's going to come off. Never mind. So they just laugh. Etc. But, but Zach does mention that he is, he's, he's like, wants to invite Benji. Benji to like live with him. But again, I don't. If you're getting deported, I don't know how that, how that's a reasonable request. It's like, hey, do you want to live with me for the summer? It's like, yeah, but I'm, I'm not allowed to be in this country, you know, Like, I don't know. I don't understand how those two things work together.
- [55:36]
A
Well, it sounds dangerous to go on national TV and be like, here's somebody in danger of being deported and here's their address.
- [55:42]
B
Yes, and here's the cameras, you know, especially in 2025.
- [55:45]
A
Yeah, exactly. So, but you know, you do you. So then I understand what it's like not having a boyfriend for a while. I feel like, let's do whatever we can. So then we go over to Jesse's house and he's making eggs for his dog, Malibu. And so Michelle comes over with her little suitcase and she's like, I wish I could tell Jesse to just vug himself, but we have a daughter together and I just want what is best for her. So I keep it all to myself. As you will see in the scene where I tell him to fuck off 20 different ways.
- [56:20]
B
So Jesse is like, so I want to talk about the schedule. I redid it. And we see a flashback that they had come up with a schedule last season that was kind of like, okay, two days on, two days off. Da, da, da. And he's like, I just decided at this point that we're not going to play that game of like, hey, I'm going away, so you take her. He's like, yes, but we haven't played that game because I haven't gone anywhere.
- [56:42]
A
Yeah, he's the one that keeps doing it. So basically he's calling her and being like, no, I can't take the kid today. I've got plans, I'm going out. And she's like, you can't just keep changing the date. And now he's being like, okay, well now we don't Change the date. So now here's your schedule, since you always want to change it. It's like, what?
- [56:58]
B
The guy, he's such a piece of shit.
- [57:00]
A
This guy's such an asshole, too. And did you notice in his confessionals, he looks totally glazed over and fucked up, too, too. I mean, this guy's. What is. This whole show is just like what coke does to you. That's what this whole show is. It's like, here's what addiction does to you. Watch out, kids. They should just have the opening being somebody opening a egg onto a sizzling pan and say, this is your brain on drugs. And that's it. The Valley.
- [57:21]
B
They should, like, do some sort of, like, Wilford Brimley hologram CGI thing. That's like, kids don't get involved with drugs because this is your future. And then they just show this whole season. Because the thing is, is what we've said before, we talked about in last season is that all these people, they're all our age basically, maybe a little bit younger. But when we came to LA, when I came to LA in 2001, and I would go out to bars all the time on the Sunset Strip, I used to live right on the Sunset Strip, like, directly on the Sunset Strip. And I would go to Cabo Cantina all the time, and I'd go the Standard and I'd just go to all these bars and you'd see sort of the same people. And a lot of these people are those people. Like, I would see Jax out and about. I remember seeing Jax at the Standard. I remember. Reason why I remember seeing Jax is because. Because as we've also talked about Jax in, like, the 2000s was. You don't even understand how hot Jax was. He was.
- [58:13]
A
I know. I took a commercial class with him. He was just a baby. He was talking about being an Abercrombie store guy and stuff.
- [58:21]
B
He was blazing.
- [58:22]
A
They offered him Survivor. Like, they walked up to him at the Abro when he was, like, standing there in his underwear at the Abber Cromie and offered him the Survivor job. And he's like, no, you know, I'm an actor. So, yeah, I don't do reality. Yeah, I don't do reality.
- [58:36]
B
I. I remember because he also used to go to my gym, so I'd see him at the gym. So he was like, the hot guy at the gym. And I remember one time going to the Standard and he was there at the next table over, and I was like, oh, there's the hot guy from the gym. And he was with a girl. And I just remember the entire time he looked so bored. I just. Will. I always have this memory of him tapping his foot aggressively to be like, oh, my God, like, how much longer do I have to sit through this date before we can go somewhere? And. Right. He had that look about him even then. But the point of the story is to say that all these people I remember, even if I didn't ever meet them, I remember this sort of, like, class of people. Like. Like, when I say class, like graduation, class of people who would party together. And now here they all are trying to adult, but they sort of have, like, kind of the demons of their party days still with them. And I think Jesse Lolly is a perfect example of that. That.
- [59:23]
A
Yeah, I mean, I get that part. I get that part of it. But, wow, you just watch people age like milk out here. So he's like, yeah, I'm not going to play this game with you of like, hey, I'm going away. So you take her. She's like, yeah, I don't go anywhere. And he goes, well, you complained about New York. She goes, yeah, because you went on four trips in a very short period of time. That is why I was complaining to you. And he's like, but for some reason, you just can't grasp my life. And she's like, we agreed on his schedule, and you said, forget it. I never said that, and that is not true. And this is what he does. Instead of making a fucking ical, which both people can get and both people can see the changes on, he does it on an erasable whiteboard. You see, that's who you're dealing with. Any person who comes up with a whiteboard instead of an ical is monster. Psychologically disturbed, like they're deeply working with you.
- [60:16]
B
Monster.
- [60:18]
A
Taken at least a screenshot of that. She should have taken a picture of it and gone home and entered it into an ical and copied their attorney or who are their mediator onto that.
- [60:26]
B
I can Rob Reiner. So he's like, michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. She goes, jesse, Jesse, Jesse. Because. Okay, here's the schedule now, okay? You will have her all day Friday, all day Saturday, okay? And I'm sorry, I said it actually way too normally because he's being really condescending. He's like, you will have her all day Friday, all day Saturday. And then. So now they're. Then he's like, and then you're gonna drop her off to the nanny. And she's like, well, who is the nanny? Because it doesn't matter who the nanny is. Like, well, it does matter who the nanny is. I'm her mother and you're going out of town. And she goes, you literally said to me, you're using my nannies that I hired. She's like, well, I found them.
- [61:06]
A
Yeah, she's saying that because you're dropping your kid off and she has to pay for the nanny. Nanny that you're not paying for. That's why she's saying it. Like, instead of taking care of your kid, you're dropping it off with her nanny. So then she. Who has to pay for the nanny? She does. Like, this guy, man. He's like, well, you didn't want me using your nanny, so I went on Only Fans, and I found a nanny. What do you want from me, babe?
- [61:28]
B
Yeah, so she basically says that, like, they hired a mediator that Jesse had recommended, but it's just not really working out, and she thinks she'll probably have to hire a lawyer or something like that.
- [61:38]
A
Oh, you idiot. You hire a lawyer? How in the world are you dealing with this person? This whiteboard, and you're not hiring a lawyer? I. Listen, I'm trying to feel for you, but it's not really working.
- [61:52]
B
So he's like, you can say whatever you want about my parenting, and that's okay. It's just a reflection on how you are as a person. Excuse me. Because I am a better father to Isabella. Really?
- [62:04]
A
Yes.
- [62:04]
B
Yes, I am. I mean, they're so nasty to each other, these two. And he said so he says this. He goes, michelle's narrative is that I'm an absentee father who's just off doing my own thing. Partying, going out to dinners, leaving Isabella nannies and an iPad. But the reality is, I am struggling every single day to try to balance my work life, my personal life, and my single dad life. And that's the truth. Well, those things are not mutually exclusive. You like? Like, if he had said, she's accusing me of being an absentee father, but the truth is, I'm there every single time from 6am to 11pm that's one thing. But he's like, I am not an absentee father. I am trying to balance my work life and my personal life. Like, that doesn't let you off the hook.
- [62:49]
A
Everyone's doing that. He's like, I'm a father who parties sometimes. What do you want for me? And also, you have your baby two days on, two days off, but you're still needing to balance. Balance your personal life. Which means you're still going out when you have the kid, which means you're still leaving her with nannies and an iPad. So sorry. It's like he. He's. He complains about one thing and then he admits to the the same thing in the very next sentence.
- [63:11]
B
It's very.
- [63:12]
A
You're a single. That you're a newly single dad with a very young person. You shouldn't be worrying about balancing your personal life like that's the last thing on your mind.
- [63:21]
B
You also don't get a trophy for doing what every other human being is doing, trying to balance their work life and personal life. Okay? Everyone's trying to do that. Okay? Get any participation trophies for that.
- [63:31]
A
Now he starts crying because he. She's going to get. They're switching off holidays by the year, but she gets the first one. So she gets Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. And he's like, I just. I don't want Christmas and Thanksgiving newly alone being away from Isabella. I just don't. She, oh great. Now you are crying so that I look evil and you look like this good father. And he goes, no, no, that's true. I just. Manipulation is so transparent.
- [64:01]
B
Oh my God, it's so transparent.
- [64:04]
A
Treat me like. And he's like, no, I don't. You just told her she was a terrible person. Literally two seconds ago you said this reflects on what. What kind of person you are. Like, yeah.
- [64:15]
B
Oh my. And so she's like, I swear on my mother that you have said that on me. You know, because he's saying said because she. She says you have told me multiple times that you don't give a that I'm the mother of your child. He's like, I never said that. I swear on my mother that you have said that to me. He's yeah, but you also sworn Isabella's life that you didn't cheat on me and you did. She's like, are you serious? I am 99 sure that she cheated on me twice. Michelle is just too short side to say, hey, I screwed up. Just be like, hey, yeah, I cheated. I up. Sorry, Jeff. Jesse. Sorry, Isabella.
- [64:50]
A
She's like, well, what about you? You are dating some random girl, you know, and actually I'm embarrassed for you. You should hear how she is talking to you about everybody else, okay? She has told people, including my friend Skina that she is sleeping with other people. And he's like, what? Who's this friend? I'm calling this friend. So they call up Sheena. It's like.
- [65:14]
B
This scene was so toxic but the fact that it had like a twist of like, let's call Sheena. I literally giggled. Who said this? Sheena. I was like, oh, God, of course she was in the middle of this.
- [65:25]
A
Let's call Sheena. Okay, so he's like, so. Hey, it's Jesse. You okay to talk? Just want it noted for the record, I just cried because my wife is trying to take my child away from me on the holidays. So noted. Okay, so the reason we're calling is Michelle is saying that my friend in Orange county, she's sleeping with other guys. Is that true, Sheena? She's like, yeah, she said that, like literally verbatim. Like literally verbatim.
- [65:58]
B
All right, okay, well. And she even told me specifically who. So if you want to get messier with this, I can actually get messier. I'm volunteering more mess. It's like, all right, well, so she's sleeping with other guys currently. Yeah, that guy from Baywatch, which I laughed out loud. What? What does this even mean? That guy from Baywatch? Who is the guy from Baywatch?
- [66:19]
A
Hello there. This is a two part recap. Okay, this is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this. Just come back a little later for part two.
- [66:29]
B
Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King.
- [66:34]
A
Our way is the Amber way.
- [66:36]
B
It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda Foster. It's always automatic with Ashley Otto.
- [66:42]
A
Ashley sabotage she don't take no baloney.
- [66:45]
B
Put your hands together for Carly Clapp. Catherine D. Bernardo has our hearto get.
- [66:50]
A
On the right foot with Chrissy Offa Dana C. Dana do she's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniella Etchells we never miss her call.
- [66:57]
B
It's Diane call Aaron mcnicholas she don't miss no Trickolas Hava Nagila Weber. You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go Hugo. We all go for Hugo. Jamie, she has no less namey we could all learn from Jennifer Kearns.
- [67:13]
A
She's our kind of mess. It's Jennifer Messer Sipped some scotch with Jessica Trotch.
- [67:18]
B
Knock, knock, knocking on Katie Manock's door She's our favorite streamer Caroline Peacock, Kristen the Piston Anderson.
- [67:25]
A
Get a bee in your bonnet with Lacy B.
- [67:27]
B
Bringing the funk It's Leslie Plunkett she.
- [67:30]
A
Gets an A from us It's Lindsey D. Let's give a kisserino to Lisalina fresh as a daisy It's Maisie McHenry we love her on the rocks It's Melissa Cox Megan Berg. You can't have a burger without the.
- [67:43]
B
Berg this is living with Michelle Vivian.
- [67:46]
A
I love a YA Olivia Williamson Tastier than Flanderson It's Rachel Manderson she sure is swell It's Raquel yes, sweet Canna.
- [67:55]
B
It's Savannah Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman let's share with Sharon Elliot the Bay Area Betches bitches and our super.
- [68:04]
A
Premium sponsors She's VVIP It's Amanda V Can't lose when you're with Amy Baldwin.
- [68:10]
B
Somebody get us 10cc's of Betsy MD.
- [68:13]
A
We'Re taking the gold with Brenda Silva.
- [68:16]
B
Let'S get real with Caitlin O'Neal don't.
- [68:19]
A
Get salty with Christine Pepper can't have a meal without the Emily sides Let's go into the woods with Guy Tubbs.
- [68:26]
B
Who, what, why, where?
- [68:27]
A
And Gwen Pentland it's our queen It's.
- [68:30]
B
Queen Laifa Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall Know your worth with Jason Kurt we got our wish It's Jen Plish she's not harsh She's Jill Hirsch She's a little bit loony Juni, my Favorite Murdo Karen McMurdo she gets an.
- [68:46]
A
A It's Kelly B We love him.
- [68:48]
B
Madly It's Kyle Pod Shadley we're ride or die from for Lisa Ryder Baron She's a whiz It's Liz Sarthi always killing it It's Lola Al Kalani the.
- [68:57]
A
Incredible edible Matthew sisters She eases our woes it's Melissa St. Rose we're on the floor with Molly Dorset give him hell. Ms. Noel, there's a chance of meatballs.
- [69:08]
B
It's Rebecca Cloud she's the queen bee It's Sarah Lemke Shannon out of a cannon Anthony, let's take off with Tamla.
- [69:16]
A
Plain it's always a good time when you're wasting time with Bravo she ain't no shrinking violet Coutar we love you guys. If you like, watch what crappens. You can listen ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey@wonder.com survey.