#2911 PumpRules S6E5: Rawt in Hayell Jax! Live From Dallas

Summary

Watch What Crappens - Episode #2911 PumpRules S6E5: Rawt in Hayell Jax! Live From Dallas

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Podcast: Wondery
Release Date: July 7, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Watch What Crappens, hosts Ben Mandelker and Ronnie Karam delve deep into the chaotic world of "Vanderpump Rules", season 6, episode 5, titled "Rawt in Hayell Jax! Live From Dallas." True to their style, they blend humor, mockery, and insightful commentary to dissect the latest drama unfolding in the Valley.

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Arrival in Dallas [03:04 - 05:36]

Ben and Ronnie kick off the episode by sharing their recent trip to Dallas, setting the stage for their lively discussion. They reminisce about past experiences in the city, including memorable guest appearances by figures like Leanne Locken and Mama Dee, highlighting the intense and often outrageous interactions that occur during their visits.

Notable Quote:

• Ronnie (03:14): "We love you, Dallas. We got here and we were like, damn you, trolley. Trying to find a trolley to punch."

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Highway Adventures and Buc-ee's Antics [05:00 - 07:25]

The hosts recount their decision to stick to the highway during their road trip, avoiding the tempting stops at Buc-ee's. They humorously personify Buc-ee's billboards as persistent stalkers, making light of their struggle to maintain healthy habits in the face of such aggressive advertising.

Notable Quote:

• Ben (05:18): "If you stop at Buc-ee's, we're just going to go buy a whole bunch of fudge and candy, and then eat a whole pizza."

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Deep Dive into "Vanderpump Rules" [09:11 - 33:02]

Ben and Ronnie transition into their main segment: a comprehensive recap and analysis of "Vanderpump Rules." They focus on key plotlines, character developments, and dramatic moments from the episode, infusing their discussion with sharp wit and candid opinions.

Cheating Scandals and Relationship Turmoil [09:36 - 15:57]

The hosts dissect the ongoing cheating scandals involving core characters like Tom Schwartz and Jax. They highlight the emotional confrontations and the ripple effects these betrayals have on the relationships within the show.

Notable Quote:

• Ronnie (10:03): "It's like, before the apocalypse."

Character Highlights: Trixie and Lala [14:26 - 30:39]

Ben and Ronnie focus on characters like Trixie and Lala, discussing their evolution throughout the season. They poke fun at Trixie's antics and Lala's consistent presence, emphasizing the comedic elements these characters bring to the show.

Notable Quote:

• Ronnie (14:39): "I don't need a five-minute song with Trixie from Lyrics. This is what I need. Classic Trixie."

Restaurant Drama and Hostile Environments [32:10 - 43:29]

The conversation shifts to the dysfunctional dynamics within the restaurants featured in the show. The hosts laugh over exaggerated descriptions of the chaotic workplace environments and the absurdity of the interactions among the staff.

Notable Quote:

• Ben (17:12): "Bubba, bubba, bubba."

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Hilarious Recaps and Mock Scenes [43:29 - 75:43]

Ben and Ronnie continue their humorous take on the episode, recreating memorable scenes with their unique flair. They mimic character dialogues, exaggerate situations for comedic effect, and provide biting critiques of the show's content and character decisions.

Notable Quotes:

• Ronnie (36:37): "I'm a modern woman. I don't really need to be married to have a baby."
• Ben (54:40): "Just put me in front of the entire table, yeah."

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Final Showdowns and Climactic Moments [76:15 - 90:51]

As the episode progresses, the hosts highlight the climax of the show’s episode—Tom Schwartz’s confrontations and the culmination of multiple cheating scandals. They emphasize the tension and unresolved conflicts that leave viewers eagerly anticipating future episodes.

Notable Quote:

• Ronnie (85:21): "Fuck yeah."

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Conclusion and Reflections [90:51 - 74:17]

Wrapping up, Ben and Ronnie reflect on the show's dramatic arcs, character growth, and the overarching themes of loyalty, betrayal, and redemption within "Vanderpump Rules." They express their mixed feelings about the characters' decisions, blending criticism with genuine interest in seeing how relationships evolve.

Notable Quote:

• Ben (63:27): "I think Lisa’s transition to wearing magician outfits was an amazing turn for me. I really love that."

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Final Thoughts

Throughout the episode, Ben and Ronnie maintain a balance between playful mockery and genuine analysis, making their summary both entertaining and insightful. Their ability to highlight humorous aspects while still addressing significant plot developments offers listeners a comprehensive overview of "Vanderpump Rules," even if they haven't watched the episode themselves.

Key Takeaways:

• "Vanderpump Rules" continues to deliver high-stakes drama intertwined with comedic elements.
• Character dynamics, especially around issues of trust and betrayal, remain central to the show's appeal.
• Ben and Ronnie’s engaging banter provides a fresh and amusing perspective on the unfolding events in the Valley.

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Transcript

[Ronnie Karam]

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[Ben Mandelker]

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[Ronnie Karam]

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[Ben Mandelker]

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[Ronnie Karam]

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[Ben Mandelker]

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[Ronnie Karam]

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[Ben Mandelker]

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[Ronnie Karam]

I am listening to the title Dungeon Crawler Carl, which is actually insane and I read all the series, but I loved it so much that now I'm listening to it as I drive around and it's just. It's so cool listening to it because the guy does so many funny characters. I'm just loving it. I've always Loved audible. And this is just like listening to a play in my car. I love it. There's more to imagine when you listen.

[Ben Mandelker]

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[Ronnie Karam]

Watch what happens.

[Ben Mandelker]

Watch what happens. Who cares what happens when there's so much. There's so much that happens.

[Ronnie Karam]

Hello, you gorgeous dalicinians. What do you call people from Dallas? What do you call yourself? Dallasites? Dallites?

[Ben Mandelker]

Dallisonians?

[Ronnie Karam]

Dallites.

[Ben Mandelker]

Dallasites.

[Ronnie Karam]

Dallasites. Like a rock. Yeah, Dallas comes in very handy today. Talking about jazz. Snort you city. So great to be here. We just drove here from Austin. God damn it. We love you, Dallas. We got here and we were like, damn you, trolley. Trying to find a trolley to punch.

[Ben Mandelker]

I saw the trolley. I could see it from my hotel room. It was great. I almost wanted to like, get down there, be like, boom. You know, fuck you, Trolley, trolley, trolley. Well, who was here back in pre pandemic when we had our two night show, two night engagement here. Yeah, Leanne Locken was here. Mama Dee was here. Was anyone here? When Leanne Locken took over the VIP and started doing all the photos, she was like, all right, who wants a photo? All right, you're next. All right, come on, keep it moving, keep it moving, keep it moving. No joke.

[Ronnie Karam]

She really did that, making Mexican jokes. We canceled her before she was ever canceled right in this vip. My mom almost beat the shit out of mama Dee because we had them put a sign on his chair that said mama Dee. And my mom just saw mama sat right down in it. And momma tried to. But mama Dee was sitting there. She's like, excuse me. And my mom said, who are you? And she said, momma Dee. And she said, well, I'm the mama. Move. I said, you moved her. She moved mama Dee over and sat in the chair that said mama Dee.

[Ben Mandelker]

It's like that whole thing, like, what happens when an unstoppable force hits an unbreakable wall.

[Ronnie Karam]

Wig versus wig. It was a wig fight. It was ugly in here.

[Ben Mandelker]

Oh, it was amazing. Yeah. So we. We had a really fun drive from Austin up. You know, we came down and so normally we've done this before. We've made the road trip, you know, up the highway, you know, and we almost always stop the highway. I like these specifics in my mind. I'm like, is it north? Is it south?

[Ronnie Karam]

We did the highway this time. No dirt roads, no back roads.

[Ben Mandelker]

Normally we stop at Buc Ees, but.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, you guys, Buc Ees getting aggressive is what we're about to say.

[Ben Mandelker]

But we're like. We're like, look, if we stop at Buc Ees, we're just going to go buy a whole bunch of fudge and.

[Ronnie Karam]

Candy, and we get here and eat a whole pizza. We should have just gone to the Buc ee.

[Ben Mandelker]

I know, but, like, BUC EE's knew that we were having. We were trying to be healthy. Because I swear to God, the moment you pass BUC EE's, the nature of those billboards gets wild. It's like, you'll be back.

[Ronnie Karam]

Buc EE's stalks your ass. It's like, Buc EE's Bucky's ahead. Come to Buc EE's. You coming to Buc EE's? It's Bucky's.

[Ben Mandelker]

You thought you could get away from us? Did you mean to drive by Buc EE's?

[Ronnie Karam]

I'm gonna start stalking your ass. Yeah, it's like, whoa. Still hungry. Should have come to Buc EE's.

[Ben Mandelker]

Wow. Buc EE's has so much that not even Gayle can eat it all the way through it. Stop by.

[Ronnie Karam]

You passed by a Buc EE's, something Gayle's never done.

[Ben Mandelker]

And the billboards would be like, back to back. It'd be like, how could you do this to me? And the next one would be like, question mark.

[Ronnie Karam]

Why aren't you answering my texts? As you get closer and closer, I can see you. I still have the airtag connected to your account. Damn BUC EE's. Leave me alone.

[Ben Mandelker]

Ben and Ronnie, pack your knives and go to BUC EE's.

[Ronnie Karam]

And then there was one with the mom holding a baby and, like, kissing the baby's head. And it says, protect the mother and the baby. I looked at Ben, I said, is this about abortion or for a gun store? Like, what? Cause we're Texas. We'll do that shit for a gun store. Protect your baby from abortions with a gun. Little baby gun in the womb. Like.

[Ben Mandelker]

I thought it was just protect the baby from all the BUC EE's billboards.

[Ronnie Karam]

Protect your baby from my mother. Okay. Last night in Austin, my mom came, right? Of course. And she's wearing this, like, these gold earrings and this big, huge statement necklace and this Versace type. I say type cause that was some temu shit that she was like. But it was bought to look like. I think she searched Versace in there and it came up and she wore it. So we come out to the meet and greet after. And my mom's standing in the front of the meet and greet. And I was like, mom, you don't have to stand in the line for the meet and greet. I wasn't. And my sister after said, did you know that mom did the entire meet and greet before you even came out? She did the meet and greet by herself. Like, they were there for my mom, you know? And so this guy came up to us at the meet and greet. He's like, your mother told me about your journey in podcasting. My mother has never listened to this. And on purpose, I'm like, don't listen. Don't, don't. I said, even if I die young, never be like, I want to hear Ronnie's nasally gay voice again. I'm going to listen to this thing. Don't do it. It's not going to end well. She doesn't know, but this kid told a whole lifetime story about me. He's like, the way you started from nothing, the way you rose up, the way you fought and fought. I was like, I didn't do shit. I sat my fat ass down in a chair and found some other queen to talk to.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah.

[Ronnie Karam]

So thanks, mom. Happy Mother's Day, lady.

[Ben Mandelker]

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms here today and who are listening. So speaking of mothers, we've got the mother of trashy TV to talk about Vanderpump rule.

[Ronnie Karam]

Vanderpump rule.

[Ben Mandelker]

Now, I will say there was like a moment when I was like, well, should we, like, hold the Valley for the end of the week? And we're like, that's a long, long time to hold it. But the truth is that the Valley is so dark like this. The entire thing would have just been like, yes, you cheated on me. And then he just comes out in, like, his old fashioned underwear. And that's, like, the episode.

[Ronnie Karam]

But then we watch Vanderpump Rules and realize this shit's always been dark. This shit is dark, too. Did you guys watch the episode? Did you do your homework?

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah, I mean, it's actually, it's. It's wild seeing, like, the seeds in all senses of that word being sown on this show and then watching it all, like, bloom in its terrible, like, poison ivy glory on the Valley.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, it is. It's like, before the apocalypse.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah.

[Ronnie Karam]

By the way, that means we're in the apocalypse now. Isn't it fun? Aren't we having fun?

[Ben Mandelker]

The Valley apocalypse.

[Ronnie Karam]

The world apocalypse. I think I'm really having a good time in the apocalypse. Everyday news is just Terrible and terrible. I'm like, I'm still having a good time. They haven't taken my Bravo yet and I'm fine.

[Ben Mandelker]

They better not. Then there'll be a real problem. Previously on Vanderpump Rules.

[Ronnie Karam]

Tom. Tom. You're both just such toxic emotional abusers with no self awareness or business sense or personal hygiene. So naturally, I would love to give you a business for just.0023% of this empire. It will only cost you your life savings. Your mother's life savings, Tom. And your voices. Dud. Ah.

[Ben Mandelker]

Bro, you fucked Faith. And Brittany found out. And you, you sad fuck face of a slut, man. Fat, fat, stupid man.

[Ronnie Karam]

Our relationship has never been so amazing since any of this happened. I think at this point, Britney's just like, hate fucking me, bro.

[Ben Mandelker]

That sucks, bro.

[Ronnie Karam]

It's awesome. It's awesome.

[Ben Mandelker]

Lee says, you know, I know I left the shows and told you all to go fucks yourselves, but the allowance that I get from Temu Harvey Weinsteins are small and mama needs her fames. Okay, so can I pretend to be a hostess again?

[Ronnie Karam]

Of course, my broken little bird. Anything you. Anything to save you from the yachts of Dubai, darling. All it will cost you is your original face. Any good sense or morals you might have? Less. And your voice.

[Ben Mandelker]

Ask. I just squirted.

[Ronnie Karam]

She's just squirting. You're wrong for that. Tom, you prompt.

[Ben Mandelker]

I was told that I got sloppy drunk and made out with someone which I have no recollection of.

[Ronnie Karam]

Tom, you promised me after the last time you got blackout drunk in New York and didn't remember making out with somebody, that you wouldn't get blackout drunk and make out with somebody and forget why you're blackout drunk. How could you do this to me? I deserve better.

[Ben Mandelker]

Are you sure I said that? I forgot. I'm blackout drunk right now. I'm just a little boy.

[Ronnie Karam]

Lisa. Ooh, Sheena, I found the man of my dreams and all I want to do in my life is marry this man.

[Ben Mandelker]

Ooh, yes, he will marry you, Sheena. My squeaky little, dim witted Sheena. All it will take is your printer canvas, your family enchiladas, and of course, your voice. Okay, maybe not the voice.

[Ronnie Karam]

Okay.

[Ben Mandelker]

And scene.

[Ronnie Karam]

So this brings us back to a time where not only this show was just so good. I mean, really, what art, you know, like, a lot of artists weren't really realized until they were dead. I'm reading this H.P. lovecraft book and they're like, he sucked. He didn't make any money. No one even liked that guy. Now he's dead and we're like, I love H.P. lovecraft. I think that's like this show.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah.

[Ronnie Karam]

You know.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah, well, it's a.

[Ronnie Karam]

They just all need to die.

[Ben Mandelker]

To be fair, these people were dead on the inside at this point. So, you know, that's true. There was that.

[Ronnie Karam]

But not only was this show really good, we got the art from the show, but we also got Trixie monocle art. I mean, we still have. We still have Trixie, but unlike a lot of losers on Bravo, I think she went to rehab and learned more words.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah.

[Ronnie Karam]

Because I don't know what the fuck she's talking about now. I don't need a five minute song with Trixie from lyrics. This is what I need. Classic Trixie. Here's the song.

[Ben Mandelker]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Ronnie Karam]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Ben Mandelker]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Ronnie Karam]

No, no. She's out.

[Ben Mandelker]

It's a direct quote. We literally have it in our notes here. Trixie singing Na na na na.

[Ronnie Karam]

No.

[Ben Mandelker]

That's how the show begins.

[Ronnie Karam]

It's me, it's me. Yes, Trixie.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah. This was of course, just a shade before the selling sunset era of Trixie declaring that she was a boss. I'm a boss. I'm a boss. I'm walking like a boss. I go in like a boss. I leave like a boss.

[Ronnie Karam]

High heels like a boss. Bossy, bossy, boss, boss. A car. Boss's house. Drove a car.

[Ben Mandelker]

Like a boss. I'm a boss.

[Ronnie Karam]

Those are still pretty good. But now she's like, I'm feeling shit. I'm feeling shit in the morning. Sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I read a book. I was like, no, no, you're reading now.

[Ben Mandelker]

Go back to the boss days. So we arrive at Katie and Tom's apartment, which is.

[Ronnie Karam]

I love that Trixie's writing songs about reading books. She's like, Colleen Hoover. What a boss bitch. I fell. Shit.

[Ben Mandelker]

So by the way, I've sort of gotten so used to the later Vanderpump rules era of Valley Village homes that it was so nice to go back to the cramped apartments of West Hollywood.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yes.

[Ben Mandelker]

Right where the sofa is next to the chair, is next to the bed is next to the little floor friend's frame on the door.

[Ronnie Karam]

You turn on the microwave, it turns the electricity out because the air conditioning's still on. We lived in those apartments in West Hollywood. That was some important. And they need to do scrap and sniff, scratch and Sniff for these old ones because that shit smells. Let me tell you. There's some. It's not only the sperm. I mean that's the obvious one. But it's like cigarette smoke, weed, old people, dead people. Probably the squirrel in the attic, but ain't nobody going to check it.

[Ben Mandelker]

And of course you know, we can't talk about this apartment without of course the piece de resistance which is the giant disgusting Bubba art on the wall.

[Ronnie Karam]

Bubba, bubba, bubba. So let's start with the Bubbas. This sad, sad couple. Masturbate. Just masturbate. You know, I said it back then in season six and I'm gonna say the same thing now. Is this any of this worth it? God gave you your boyfriend. It's right here. Don't deal with this.

[Ben Mandelker]

So Jax is, well, we don't realize it now, but Jax is sitting on his little beer cooler scooter thing which is, I mean we could just end the episode now. This is all we needed to know. That's everything we needed to know about present day the Valley happened right now with him sitting on a scooter cooler.

[Ronnie Karam]

I mean he really is kind of like a little coked out Gollum on that thing. Protect me he's sitting on. He's like this.

[Ben Mandelker]

I'm surprised he still didn't use that to get the Jaxs of Studio City. You know he's got that golf cart. I'm surprised that thing's not motoring down Laurel Canyon Boulevard a little cooler.

[Ronnie Karam]

Guys. Apparently, dudes, I got wasted in Santa Monica and I made out with some chick but I blacked out. I don't remember him. Just a little boy.

[Ben Mandelker]

And Jack's like, is this real? Can I go to Santa Monica and make out with a chick?

[Ronnie Karam]

And Sandoval's doing that thing because remember this is when Sandoval was innocent and everybody's like, oh, there's one decent man on Vanderpump rules, Thomas Sandoval. And so Tom hears that his friend cheated, which now we know he probably helped him, you know, do it. It was like getting a BJ in the back room with him or whatever. But right now he's acting very morally offended and he's doing that with his Tom Sandoval. I'm very offended at my friend's eyes. He's like very moral, Tom. So Schwartz is like, you guys, I would understand if you want to leave. Winter is coming and then they come in. Winter comes in.

[Ben Mandelker]

The white walkers do actually enter.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yes, the ranch walkers come in.

[Ben Mandelker]

Ranch white walkers. It's Katie Ariana and Stassi, they all just walk in. This is like some weird school play because for some reason, the entire cast has come in and they've just piled in onto the sofa.

[Ronnie Karam]

Isn't Kristen there too?

[Ben Mandelker]

Kristen is there.

[Ronnie Karam]

Kristen's there.

[Ben Mandelker]

Well, she doesn't walk, and she just flops in and falls over.

[Ronnie Karam]

I was gonna say, here's how I know Kristen walked in. I literally cheered when saw Kristen walk in because, you know, we've seen everybody age. I mean, it's great. We all get old, whatever. It's not about that. But the walk changed with Kristen. I miss Kristen's meth head in the middle of the night walk. I miss it. Like, where one heel's always broken. She doesn't know what a sidewalk is. She on half a sidewalk. But this is her walk.

[Ben Mandelker]

This was amazing. Yes, I really. But, like, fast.

[Ronnie Karam]

She.

[Ben Mandelker]

She. She came in so quickly. You know what she looked like? It was like she was at the airport on, like, the conveyor belt people mover thing, and she didn't realize it had ended. And she's, like, going out a fast clip, and then she's, like, on solid.

[Ronnie Karam]

Ground, like.

[Ben Mandelker]

Oh, that was so funny the way she lurched into that apartment.

[Ronnie Karam]

I died. So they're all giving dirty looks. They're like, we're girls. We're here to stand up against men that we're gonna marry again soon.

[Ben Mandelker]

I know. So Katie's like, jax, I don't recall requesting your presence here, so scoot on down the hall. And Jax is like, fine by me.

[Ronnie Karam]

He's like, yeah, I had a little impulse purchase. It's motorized, so it gets me from my apartment to Schwartz's apartment in, like, three seconds. He's just like, get off the road.

[Ben Mandelker]

So everyone's gathered, including. I mean, there's just so many fun, familiar faces, like, Carter. And Carter's there, like.

[Ronnie Karam]

What?

[Ben Mandelker]

He's the voice inspo for Danny's work as a zombie.

[Ronnie Karam]

Danny's such a pig on that show. I can't wait to see what a pig he is on the Valley because it's, like, coming out slowly, you know, they're like, oh, it's just a little sexual harassment. This is Vanderpump rules. Just you wait, you know? Like, this is just the appetizer. So, Katie, I do love that he's on it. Just because I like doing this for his job. His job impersonations. Because he's on the Walking Dead, that's literally his job. So Katie's Walking Dead voiceover is even better. Okay. Guys, we ready? We ready for this take? Hold on, I already got it. We going? My level's good. Okay, great. Thanks, guys. Thanks. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Grappens commercial.

[Ben Mandelker]

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[Ronnie Karam]

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[Ben Mandelker]

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[Ben Mandelker]

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[Ronnie Karam]

It is so nice to entertain in the summertime. I just did it this past weekend. I had a big party over here on my deck and it's a big deck and it was all furnished by Wayfair.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah, I just bought some acapulco chairs for my patio and they are so cool. They were so easy to assemble and also so comfy. They arrived quickly and like they look great out there.

[Ronnie Karam]

If you're having a backyard get together, Wayfair is your one stop shop for outdoor entertaining.

[Ben Mandelker]

Cookout shop, patio tables, grills and dishware. Pool party. Kick back with lounge chairs, daybeds, umbrellas, game night. Wayfair's got cornhole, croquet, string, lights to set the scene. I mean it really goes on and on.

[Ronnie Karam]

Ronnie Wayfair's huge selection of outdoor items makes it easy to find ex exactly what's right for you. And the best part to me was that I got to pick it out and then I got to have someone come put it all together as well.

[Ben Mandelker]

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[Ronnie Karam]

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[Ben Mandelker]

W a Y F A I R dot com, Wayfair Every style, every home. So Katie's like, okay, everyone, Schwartz, just sit down, okay? Cause you know what? We're all gonna sit here until I stand up and storm out, okay? We're gonna get to the bottom of it. Cause no one gets to light fires and fucking walk away anymore. Except for me, who's calling this meeting and is about to storm out of it. So good luck, everyone.

[Ronnie Karam]

Can I have a lunchable? I'm just a little boy. I don't even know why you're mad. Where am I right now? Are the lights out? Why can't I see anything? A black girl.

[Ben Mandelker]

I'm gonna say this right now. This is the last time you get away with the whole excuse of, like, I don't remember. Cause I was wasted. Cut to every episode for the rest of time. I was wasted.

[Ronnie Karam]

So he's just like, kind of re. Gelling his hair or whatever, and she's like, guess what? You're gonna be married to me, Tom. You're never gonna be wasted again for the rest of your life.

[Ben Mandelker]

And this is where Tom Schwartz, like, drops his mask and shows us who he really is. He goes from like, oh, man.

[Ronnie Karam]

To.

[Ben Mandelker]

You don't get to tell me what to do, bro. You got wasted and cheated on Katy. Like, not a big Katy fan over here, but, like, you're wrong here.

[Ronnie Karam]

Well, yeah, I mean, duh, but I love that. Katie's like, okay, you want to stay married to me? Well, now you're going to have to do it without any reasonable tools.

[Ben Mandelker]

Schwartz is like, I mean, she's not my mom. I'm an adult. I made poor decisions. But, like, I don't think it should cost me my freedom.

[Ronnie Karam]

I'm just a little boy, but an adult little boy. So Katie's like, I'm telling you not to get fucking blackout drunk so you don't cheat on me again. He'll cheat on your ass sober, too. I mean, that is so cute that she's like, it's all the alcohol. No, it's not. Yes. Alcohol is the excuse, not the reason, if that makes any sense.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah.

[Ronnie Karam]

So Katie's like, someone got it. They were like, yeah.

[Ben Mandelker]

They're like, yeah, that was good.

[Ronnie Karam]

Fuck yeah.

[Ben Mandelker]

Listen, come here for the jokes, but stay for the deep thoughts, you know? Katie's like, so, excuse me, Tom. Your fucking vows that everyone cried over. Remember those?

[Ronnie Karam]

They cried over it. Cause you both smelled like the lake, the river, or the pond, or Whatever the fuck that thing you were in on your Wednesday wedding. I'm still crying that I have to find somewhere to put a tea towel with your wedding invitation on it every.

[Ben Mandelker]

Time you come over, cut the Sandoval blowing his snot on that poor dog's back.

[Ronnie Karam]

And you can't do that anymore. Tom. We had wedding vows. So we see a flashback to their wedding. And Lisa being like, oh, to two people I wouldn't say speak to unless there were cameras here. Busboys. Do you vow to take. To take plates from the right and serve from the left? Take a knife and crumb the customers before you leave?

[Ben Mandelker]

And Katie, do you vow to never turn your hair orange again?

[Ronnie Karam]

Katie, will you marry these two bottles of ketchup, please?

[Ben Mandelker]

You know, everyone's like, how cute, how sweet, how this, how that, how really. He really fucking loves you. And I was like, I know we've been through hell and back and all that. All this shouldn't have passed. And I was like, go and do your thing. Cause I trust you and have fun, Bob. But then I'm like, on a mom's trip to New York, which doesn't make sense. Cause I'm not even a mom. And you're at Bungalows making out with chicks.

[Ronnie Karam]

Tom, first of all, through this whole monologue, can we just get to this line? Remember when everybody was like, oh, my God, Tom really loves you. No, no.

[Ben Mandelker]

Can you.

[Ronnie Karam]

You've got six years of this show. Could you show somebody saying that? Cause I might just not remember. I do remember one chunky queen in West Hollywood screaming, don't marry him. Even you're better than that. Run. No one listens to the games. They'll live in our neighborhoods, but they don't listen to us.

[Ben Mandelker]

Katie's like, I don't know you. You're not the person I married. He is literally the exact person you married.

[Ronnie Karam]

That's him. So then we get a Trixie song, and she's like, get out of my way. I got nothing to say to you. Move. You better move.

[Ben Mandelker]

Get out of my way. There's nothing you can do to stop the truth. To stop the truth. She knows something. Trixie sitting on top of a hot secret, guys.

[Ronnie Karam]

And so now we're down to a scene that we didn't get in the later seasons, which I think eventually killed the show, which is when people actually had to go to work and pretend that they were still working there.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah.

[Ronnie Karam]

I love those. Cause Jax is always, like, trying to learn what a shaker is without getting a boner.

[Ben Mandelker]

It's like, jax, that's the telephone.

[Ronnie Karam]

He's like, I'm not getting paid enough for this.

[Ben Mandelker]

Lala walks in and, I mean, this was a great season. This is when we had Lauren or Lolo.

[Ronnie Karam]

Mm. Lolo and Lala.

[Ben Mandelker]

God, I will always remember the scene where Lolo and her hot boyfriend got into a big fight and they went into a back room and they took their mics off. I was like, I don't even know who these people are, but I am invested.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, I like Lolo too. So Lolo comes and Lolo's like, welcome back. And Lalo's like, lolo. Lala. Okay. It's, like, so weird being box. You'll probably see me looking, like, so confused when I look at the tables because, like, it's hard to remember what happened before. There's five tables in that restaurant, Lala. You never knew the numbers anyway. Just wait until some old fat rich guy comes in. You'll be fine. It's a waiting room. It's a waiting room for Harvey Weinstein. Look alikes. Just chill.

[Ben Mandelker]

So Lisa walks and she goes, oh, Ms. Kent, you're back. I'm like, yeah, you hired her. Thanks for having me back, slee susks. She's like, yes, but you have to be consistent, though. No messing about. Oh, I'm sorry. You're an employee here. You can mess about to do nothing.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yes, consistency, that's very important. And, sir, have you read your Yelp reviews? I don't think the waiters even come to the table.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah, well, that is an area of consistency because the reviews are consistently very bad.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, well, Lala's always been consistent.

[Ben Mandelker]

So Lisa's like. Lisa's greeting Lala and everything. And Lala's like, I admire Lisa. You know, most people would have written me off after burning every bridge in towns, but I feel very much indebted to her. Lisa's like, whatever. We didn't have much time to cast your role, so get back to work.

[Ronnie Karam]

We needed some. We needed somebody with questionable morals for the other girls to beat up on. Get back here. Your nibble. So she goes back to her little stand and Lisa goes. And listen to me, Lala, this time, no running away because I can't chase you.

[Ben Mandelker]

Is this.

[Ronnie Karam]

Don'T hurt me again, La la.

[Ben Mandelker]

Is this far and away like I'm playing the end.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, the way I broke when my hostess walked out on me.

[Ben Mandelker]

Elsewhere at the bar we have Brittany.

[Ronnie Karam]

She's like, hi, Ji. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yikes.

[Ben Mandelker]

One of my tables needs a Strawberry.

[Ronnie Karam]

He's like, I know. I'm shaking it right now. Who are you really? Who are you drinking these? Shakin up Jay Xing. I am. Do it faster.

[Ben Mandelker]

Oh, Jay. Yikes. Are you really making a strawberry me? He's like, sure was. Okay. I might even put a martini glass of the sugar rim in there too.

[Ronnie Karam]

Jay.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yai yai yai yai.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yikes. He's like, I promise I'll be a better boyfriend. You better be a better bartender, too. Brittany's a twit, but I can't help. I don't care what she does. I always kind of like Brittany. Cause she's the only person, I think, that actually worked at this restaurant. Like, she came on time. She, like, put her. She put her purse up, put her apron on. At the end of the shift, you see her out in the smoking alley, like, 1, 2, 3, 4, 8, 9, 13. Damn it.

[Ben Mandelker]

She's definitely the only one that knew that there was a strawberrini on the menu.

[Ronnie Karam]

You want a strawberrini?

[Ben Mandelker]

So these two. These two idiots have decided that in the midst of this cheating scandal, it's not even, like a rumor. It's a confirmed cheating issue that has happened. They're gonna throw a housewarming party together.

[Ronnie Karam]

That's the deal. You still want to do the housewarming party? I think it's gonna be good. I don't want to make anybody super uncomfortable, but they're already uncomfortable. They're friends with Jax. Jax doesn't have friends who feel comfortable.

[Ben Mandelker]

I'll make a whole bunch of strawberries. So Jax is like, you know, by having this party and having all my friends come over and drink my booze and eat my food, hopefully it'll be harder for them to sit around and, like, talk shit about me all day. He's literally just going to bribe people to shut up. But all they're going to put out are, like, some Bugles and, like, Diet Sprites.

[Ronnie Karam]

I mean, I know it's weird to be having a housewarm party with somebody who's been having sex with other people, but what are you gonna do? Have a cold house? So then Katie comes to the hostess stand and Haiti Kate's lala so much. This is when they've been friends for, I think, five minutes. Cause, you know, she spent the first season's like, you whore. BJ's for PJ's. Am I right? Slut. So she walks up to her at the hostess stand, and she's like, hey, ladies, I know work is crazy. What are you still learning tables. So, Lala, can I have a moment outside? And she's like, yes, hold down the fort, Lalos. Hold down the fort.

[Ben Mandelker]

Lala is on her first day back at work and has been there for five minutes, is already taking a break. So Katie's like, I don't know why Lala decided to tell everyone that Tom made out with a girl. Like, I thought Lala and I were cool finally. I was hoping to really ride on that plane. So they go to the backyard, the garden, whatever. And Katie's like, so like last weekend when everything was like, brought to my attention, I want to hear from you, since you were the one to say that to Ariana and Sheena, that I've been hearing everything like. And I'm just hearing everything like, telephone style. Could you like, clarify Lala what was said?

[Ronnie Karam]

Yes, well, the only reason I said that was because I thought we were goods. But then I heard you were talking about my relationships. Like you were telling people like whose ass I was eating out. And not just that I was generally eating ass. And that man is married. And that is very disrespectful of you. Katie's like, oh, shit. Because Katie came into this like, listen here, but bitch, I don't know what the fuck you think. And she's like, you were talking about me. And she's like, right, right, okay, not a terrible point.

[Ben Mandelker]

And Katie's acting like I was just like making jokes. And we see the flashback and she's like, well, doesn't mean I'll never go on a pj. But if I do go on a pj, it won't because it was chartered by someone. Sugar daddy, disgusting old man boyfriend.

[Ronnie Karam]

My private jet won't be funded by some old fucking fat fucker is fucking me. My private jet will be funded by tuna sandwiches. God damn it. And then we cut back and she's like, what? I don't know why she's so mad about it.

[Ben Mandelker]

This is clearly a joke. I still am waiting for the day that Katie ever tells a joke. Have we ever heard Katie may say something funny? I'm not sure.

[Ronnie Karam]

Wednesday wedding. Okay, so Katie's like, I mean, that didn't even occur to me that Sheena would repeat that to you. I mean, the real villain here, is it the person who slut shamed you or the slut that told the slut about the slut shaming.

[Ben Mandelker]

She's like, well, you might as well tell me everything. And Lala's like, okay, so. Okay, so my friends was at like bungalowsk and she said like, oh, my God, Tom Schwartz is here. And so they made out and squirted everywhere. And she told me that throughout the night. He did.

[Ronnie Karam]

You're never gonna get used to it.

[Ben Mandelker]

Ronnie doesn't like it when I say squirts.

[Ronnie Karam]

And it's not just y'.

[Ben Mandelker]

All.

[Ronnie Karam]

It's any of us. It's just human beings. Stop squirting. Like, I feel like guys do it, too, but just like, why do we do that? Like, there are so many questions that people have in church. Like, why were we made? Why were we put on this earth? I'm like, why do we poop? Why do we squirt? Why do our armpits smell Sometimes Just stop.

[Ben Mandelker]

So Lala's like, yes. So they made out and stuff. And then she told me that through the night, he was so drunk, he started calling the girl Bubba. And Katie's like, oh.

[Ronnie Karam]

Oh, hell.

[Ben Mandelker]

I thought that was our own terrible thing that we said to each other.

[Ronnie Karam]

Bubba. That's the most original relationship thing you can call each other. What? What's next? But I like that Schwartz is just walking around, just assuming it's gay. That's how fucked up he. And I do believe that he was fucked up enough to be like, hey, Bubba, you want to make out? No. Hey, Bubba, wanna make out? No. No. Hey, Bubba, wanna make out? Are you my mother? Are you my Bubba? Are you my Bubba?

[Ben Mandelker]

And I like that Katie has to then explain why this matters. She's like, I mean, that's, like, our name for each other. I'm like, yeah, we know. We've seen that horrific piece of art in your apartment.

[Ronnie Karam]

He has Bubba tattooed on his ass. How could he do this to me?

[Ben Mandelker]

So Katie's very upset. So meanwhile, Lisa goes up to the bar, and she's like, gentlemen, gentlemen, Could I have half a glass of.

[Ronnie Karam]

Jax? Is like.

[Ben Mandelker]

That'S.

[Ronnie Karam]

What are you shaking, darling? Strawberry fucking whatever. Pouring ketchup onto a plate.

[Ben Mandelker]

So he gives her, like, a full ass pour. She goes, oh, is that half a glass? Is that why I'm losing money? You're a terrible bartender. I'll keep it employed for three more years.

[Ronnie Karam]

Katie, darling, please spend some private time with me. America's dying to know what's going on inside here. Ooh. Come on, darling.

[Ben Mandelker]

Let's go to table 30, shall we?

[Ronnie Karam]

Blue table. Here we are.

[Ben Mandelker]

Okay. Hi, Lisa.

[Ronnie Karam]

That's right. It's table 30, darling. All right, go ahead and have your drink. I'll just have your purse. I'll just take your purse right back here. We'll wait for some goat cheese bowls while you're waiting.

[Ben Mandelker]

Oh, knock your spark out. So Katie's like, well, so Tom, he like. He, like, made out with a girl. And he like, said, I took a last house that day and he blacked out. And I don't remember.

[Ronnie Karam]

And I'm.

[Ben Mandelker]

I'm just like, really sad about it.

[Ronnie Karam]

Tom did that to you? A man hurting a woman in my establishment. How does this affect me? Let me tell you how it affects me. What if he's not good at his job? Once I just gave him a restaurant. What if he's not everything? He could be a tomato. I'm talking to Tom about what he's done to my restaurant, but he hurt my feelings. Fuck your feelings. I've got a restaurant to open.

[Ben Mandelker]

He's unreliable. He has a drinking problem. He's totally incapable of holding any sort of responsibility. I'm giving him three more years of employment.

[Ronnie Karam]

That demands a raise. I'm gonna name it Tom. Tom, Tom. He's gonna get two Toms in the title now.

[Ben Mandelker]

She's like, I think if Schwartz doesn't straighten up and start taking accountability for his behavior, then I don't see any relationship that he has lasting. Except, of course, with me and all his bars and restaurants and waitresses and everything. So Katie's like, well, I mean, I'm not divorcing or leaving my husband over some dumb shit yet, but my main thing is I don't want to ruin this opportunity he has with you. Oh, so cute that you think this is an opportunity.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, well, don't you worry. I'm going to get him in there and I'm going to say, we're going to say, see how you speak to women from here on? And then I'm going to hug him so hard. You can go. You can go Commercials.

[Ben Mandelker]

Here comes one right now. I'm not into chasing trends, but I am all about stuff that fits right, feels good, and actually lasts. That's why I keep coming back to Quint. Their lightweight layers and high quality staples have become my everyday essentials.

[Ronnie Karam]

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[Ben Mandelker]

The best part, everything with Quints is half the cost of similar brands.

[Ronnie Karam]

By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middlemen, Quint's gives you luxury pieces without the markups.

[Ben Mandelker]

And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices. And premium fabrics and finishes.

[Ronnie Karam]

We both use Quince. I've got some really sweet pieces from there. One of my favorites is a leather jacket that I'm going to keep forever. You know, I use it and you should too.

[Ben Mandelker]

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[Ronnie Karam]

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[Ben Mandelker]

And to steal my son away from me.

[Ronnie Karam]

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[Ben Mandelker]

So then we have some non tricksy music that's just like. And we go to exactly like that.

[Ronnie Karam]

She's just exhausted. She's already wrote two songs. She's like.

[Ben Mandelker]

Carter's assisting on vocals. So we are. It's later at sur and Lisa walks in and this is, I think my favorite scene of the episode. She walks in and there's a lady who I don't think really speaks English and she's just taking flowers out of a box and arranging them. And Lisa's like, oh, oh, hello. Are you related to Rocio? I have. When you're taking flowers out, here's what I like to do. Take the outside petals and peel them down, down.

[Ronnie Karam]

This is how you make flowers look. Pretty lady whose profession is floristry.

[Ben Mandelker]

Look.

[Ronnie Karam]

And the lady's like, mm. She's just looking at her like, that dog is dead and everybody knows it. Stop carrying that thing around on your arm. And that dog does look dead. She's carrying the dog. Okay. This is the dog on her arm. She's like, hello, lady from the florist's place who doesn't know how to do your thing.

[Ben Mandelker]

As Lisa inverts all the roses, I was like, what are you doing to these flowers? So she goes into a back room, and here it is. It's a Stassi scene. We forgot that these actually happened, but they do. Stassi. This was like when Stassi was transitioning between storylines. So when that happens, she doesn't. They don't give her anything to do except plan parties. So she just is coming in here and she's just.

[Ronnie Karam]

Stassi was having one of those seasons where she's like, I'm so sick of people bullying me online. I'm gonna be nice. And the audience was like, gross. So we're right in the middle of that season. So Lisa's like, oh, Stasi, darling, come sit down. Let me tell you a hilarious story. I was just pulled over by the po Po. The pigs, the coppers. He said, you didn't stop all the way to sign. You've only kind of stopped. I said, if only some of the men in this restaurant would do it. Am I right? Then I flashed in my tatas and went on my way. Spotsy's like.

[Ben Mandelker]

She's like, that's cool. Af. So they make some small talk. Some sort of bullshit about, like, she just planned Guillermo's party. And is she up to planning another party but not Harrison's party. She's not ready for that. I don't miss these scenes. I really don't.

[Ronnie Karam]

So Stassi's like, so Jack's invited me to a housewarming party. Isn't it already warming up in there enough? He's so sweaty.

[Ben Mandelker]

But you don't have to go. Yes, I do. Of course I have to go. I need to watch this chaotic situation unfold. Oh, God. Nothing has changed, has it, Stassi? And scene.

[Ronnie Karam]

We get a new.

[Ben Mandelker]

Oh, I wasn't expecting another one.

[Ronnie Karam]

Trixie. We get a new Trixie Jam. Ding, ding, ding. It's an elevator. Elevator. Ding, ding. So now we're going to Paint and Sip Studio every day. Let me tell you what bros like to do. Paint. They like to go to painting classes together. Was Build a Bear Closed.

[Ben Mandelker]

Listen.

[Ronnie Karam]

Because this class.

[Ben Mandelker]

Listen.

[Ronnie Karam]

Who was fucking to build the. The Sip and See. Sip and scene. That's when you have a baby and you pass it around while you're drunk.

[Ben Mandelker]

Sip and See is also we do on this show when you get drunk and then see if someone got pregnant. So they're all there. And Jack's like, yeah, Tom and I are both in the doghouse. Big time. And Schwartz is like, oh, I mean, to be honest, guys, I had this whole vision where I was like, how's it gonna take us to Joshua Tree? And we go up the canyons and we're gonna have like a whole Hunter S. Thompson day. And Jax is like, hunter S. Hunter?

[Ronnie Karam]

Who? What?

[Ben Mandelker]

Just don't mention these people in front of Jax. He's not gonna get it.

[Ronnie Karam]

Future Trixie is like, author. That's an author. An author who writes books. Shut up, Future Trixie. So then Schwartz is like, yeah, I was gonna do this thing. We were all gonna get shit faced like Johnny Depp in that movie he was in. But I can't because I love Katie too much. And I can never drink again. Katie's a sobriety terrorist. Save me. I'm just a little boy. How am I gonna drink again? What am I ever gonna do? How can I even talk?

[Ben Mandelker]

Dude, do you want a shot?

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, of course. Just a little one, you know.

[Ben Mandelker]

So of course they all do shot.

[Ronnie Karam]

Immediately starts doing shots. He's stalking this whole time. He's like, this is so hard, guys, not being able to drink like we usually like to drink. Ah, the things we do for love. Listen, there's about an inch left.

[Ben Mandelker]

I love you, Katie. Listen, I know it's a shot, but it was nothing too crazy. It was merely absinthe.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yes. So then we see Dax is like, yeah, I got some absinthe left because I went out with James the other day and we did fucking absinthe. It was fucking amazing. Maybe I do like that little fucking twink. I don't know. Maybe I do.

[Ben Mandelker]

We see a flashback of them getting high on absinthe. And James is like, I see so many fat sluts up there everywhere. Fat sluts all around me.

[Ronnie Karam]

I'm standing here, I see a really old man. Really old man. Wait, it's two really old men. They're both jerking off at each other. Which one's gonna come first? It's both you, old man. Fat old man.

[Ben Mandelker]

All I see is a giant pile of pasta. So they come back and then they're just like painting and everything and they're being silly. Painting penis.

[Ronnie Karam]

Painting dicks on their aprons.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah, which is great.

[Ronnie Karam]

Jax has red dots all over it, which at least you know he's going for. Truth doesn't happen often on this show.

[Ben Mandelker]

So while they're doing that, we go over to a place called Electric Owl. And Brittany, Katie and Kristen are there. And Britney. For some reason, I love the idea of Britney going To a place called the Electric Owl. Because I can imagine her saying, hey, guys, I'm going to Electric Owl.

[Ronnie Karam]

Do I have to wear a rubber? I have a regular album. It's electric.

[Ben Mandelker]

I gotta wear rubber so I don't get electrocuted by Electric Owl.

[Ronnie Karam]

So we get a scene that we've seen 9 million times and are still seeing in 2025, which is girls surrounding Britney going, oh, my God, Brittany, Jax just fucked you over. Are you okay? And Brittany going, well, you know, y', all, I know it really hurts, but I'm sure it's gonna change this time. It's gonna be totally different this time, you know, and then to really love me really does.

[Ben Mandelker]

So Katie's asking how Britney's doing. She's, like, a little bit better. I mean, my heart is wanting to.

[Ronnie Karam]

Believe he can be a better person.

[Ben Mandelker]

Even though my brain is telling me he can't. I feel like I love him too much. Oh, here comes Kristen. We just hear all sorts of bottles.

[Ronnie Karam]

Can I just get a bottle with a straw?

[Ben Mandelker]

Seriously, Brittany?

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, seriously. I'm not gonna tell you to do anything you don't wanna do, okay? Cause you gotta come up with it on your own. Don't forget, this is. Sir, we're models.

[Ben Mandelker]

Hi. Where'd you get that flower in your mouth? Ka Koh.

[Ronnie Karam]

Kristen back then was always, like, posing at the camera like that. She'd be like, they hear sex in the city lines. Can I get a bottle with a straw?

[Ben Mandelker]

Who would have thought that a mere seven or eight years later, she'd be arranging for ceremonialists and embodiment guides to come to Santa Barbara and have drum circles where actually, of course, I was 100% her trajectory. So we're going back and forth between the two scenes, and Schwartz is saying to Jax, like, so, are you on any sort of probation? He's like, yeah, I got community service, you know, on her vagina. That kind of community service.

[Ronnie Karam]

So then we go back to Katie.

[Ben Mandelker]

Charming show.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, girls. You know, like, it's not going great with my guy either, girls. I mean, I know that Tom likes to let loose and have a good time, but he just takes it too far sometimes. Like, you're not a college frat boy. You're a kind of getting chunky ex underwear model. Who's got a Bubba? Who's got a Bubba chalkboard in his living room. When are you gonna grow up?

[Ben Mandelker]

Kristin's like, yeah, it's that whole Peter Pan thing. Wait a second. Who's Peter? Peter got some pans.

[Ronnie Karam]

Hey, would Marry peanut butter.

[Ben Mandelker]

I can't believe it. Oh, I'm so proud of him. Peter probably did get pans that day. He's like, guys, I'm ready, guys. I don't know if you need me for the scene, but I did get pans. If you want an illustration of a Peter Pan syndrome, it's just Peter from.

[Ronnie Karam]

The restaurant, the manager from the restaurant, panning things. It's like, Peter's reviews. Like, welcome to Peter Pans. Here's what I don't like. Ice cream from taco trucks. Thank you for coming to Peter Pan's.

[Ben Mandelker]

So meanwhile, at the painting, Jack's like, can I ask you guys something? How do you, like, not remember, like, making out with a girl? And Schwartz is like, you never blacked.

[Ronnie Karam]

Out before in your life.

[Ben Mandelker]

I mean, I told Katie I'd take a lie detector and swear in my life, I don't remember anything. It's like, yeah. I mean, like, why don't you just admit to it? Just go. It'll just be much faster that way. That way. Now you can move forward into banging new chicks, you know?

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah. Jax is like. You're supposed to just say, like, I'm sorry. I fucked her. I didn't mean it. I'm really sorry. I'm a terrible person. But I'm totally gonna change now. I love you. I live for you. Like, all I want is, you know, I'm totally gonna change. Then unzip your pants and stick your dick in something, and you'll feel much better. Just keep it moving, buddy. Dude.

[Ben Mandelker]

Dude, Our paintings are ready. Let's take a look at them. So we look at the paintings. The painting of Jax is just like. It's not Jax, just some. It's kind of like a hot guy on a canvas. Like, okay, it was pretty good. It was good.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, it was pretty good.

[Ben Mandelker]

And the next one was good. But then Jax's was so Jax. It was like, beautiful colors with darkness encroaching it from the edges. I was like, oh, my God, your trajectory.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah. He's like, yep. All the paint comes right off the canvas. Like it was never there in the first place. So then we go back to the girls, and Brittany's like, okay, so all of our lives suck. Kristen, you got any men to talk about? She's like, oh, well, there's, like, this guy. Okay, well, let's not make Kristen come up with a story then. Y' all men are terrible. Let's have a housewarming party. What do y' all think of that? I can make some Jello shots. I can make some of mammoth cello shots.

[Ben Mandelker]

So they start talking about Lala. And Katie's like, oh, my God. I think it's like, bullshit that Sheena just, like, ran to Lala and said what I said. I mean, it just felt calculated because she knew it would trigger Lala and Lala would blurt it out to hurt me. And Britney is like, oh, I hope that's not the case. And Katie's like, you know, Katie has now felt the sting of having all your stuff being put out there and, like, having rumors swirl about your boyfriend cheating. And she knows how much that hurts, which is why she's going to do it. Exactly. Back to Sheena.

[Ronnie Karam]

So she's like, yeah, Sheena shouldn't be so concerned with my relationship when the fact of the matter is that facts of conversational possibility condensation could lead back to Sheena's own demise in this world that she's constructed of infallibility ability.

[Ben Mandelker]

It's a convenient narrative. So now I had forgotten that this is where this all began. Where Kitty's like, sheena, she's telling us we've all heard about the Toca Madera chick. I was like, oh, my God. The Toca Madera. Oh, my God.

[Ronnie Karam]

Toca Madera.

[Ben Mandelker]

Toko Madera. To this day, when I drive by Toca Madera in Los Angeles, I'm like.

[Ronnie Karam]

Doca Madera talking about Dara. So back to the girls. Brittany's like, y' all want me to say something to Sheena? You want me to? I can. That's a nice girl. She just needs a chance. Y' all give her a chance.

[Ben Mandelker]

Well, because Katie and Kristen, then tell. Then tell the story of what happened in Toca Madera's like, seriously, Kaka. Rob was at, like, Toca Madera. Remember that, Katie? That Rob was at Toca Madera? Yeah, totally.

[Ronnie Karam]

Toca Madera. We know everybody all the time. Their models go.

[Ben Mandelker]

And then Jen Bush. Remember Jen Bush? No relationship to George W. But maybe, I don't know. Do you think she's related? Anyway, Jen Bush saw him, and then he was like, I don't know who Gina is. And then, like, the girl there was like, I don't know who she is either. And he's like, yeah, she's some strange soccer. And then, like, they made out. I was like. I was like, T. Madera.

[Ronnie Karam]

I mean, Kristen with her straw. She's like.

[Ben Mandelker]

To Madara, it all happens at Tokama Dera.

[Ronnie Karam]

So. So Kristen's like, my gut. Listen, girls, I've Got woman's intuition, model's intuition. And my gut says he's gonna hurt her.

[Ben Mandelker]

And then we cut to the glamorous mansion of Rob Valletta in Beverly Hills. It's like, I wanted the La La Land music to play. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun.

[Ronnie Karam]

Dun dun dun dun dun dun.

[Ben Mandelker]

Like, I want to see her with, like, a vacuum being like, this is my house now.

[Ronnie Karam]

This was La La Land year because we recapped another episode from the season. And this is when all the witches of Weho were like, we're going to La La Land and we're each gonna wear a different primary color. And they were walking in sync on the street, like, dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun, dun, dun dun dun dun dun, dun, dun, dun dun.

[Ben Mandelker]

Britney's like, it's so cool. They made a movie about Lala. She's such a nice girl. La La girls, we're gonna all dress up for La La Land. We're gonna do that scene in the beginning where they're all dancing in traffic. Sheena, you're the car. Okay, go. Everyone dance on Sheena.

[Ronnie Karam]

So we go to Rob's house, and Sheena's just, you know, in wedded bliss. Like, she's not wedded, but in Sheena's mind, she's, like, already married. She's like, honey, I'm home. I went to the grocery store. The au pair can help me cut some of the greens if you want to. Oh, baby. Everything's okay, I think. Is that lemon smell? Were you cleaning again? Honey?

[Ben Mandelker]

Honey, I have got to wake up the kids for school. Their bus is almost here. I made breakfast. She has a big dress.

[Ronnie Karam]

You know, dating Rob, I feel like I'm, like, with an actual man. Like, a man man. Not like a Shay man, but like a man man. And he runs a children's charity. Okay, just stop. If you ever meet a man, he's like, hey, baby. Especially in la, he's like, I run a children's charity. Show me the paperwork in the van that you pick these children up in.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah, he runs, like, a children's charity, and he executive produces and hosts a show, and his sister's, like, actually really famous, so it's like, wow. If she's famous. And I'm also famous, too. And, like, does this mean that, like, Amber Valletta and I are going to be, like, best friends? Like, it's kind of like the best thing of all. Like, honestly, like, in retrospect, I can get into a time machine and go into revenge, and I can play her character in Revenge. And then she can be a waitress. It could be like, I don't know, like Freaky Friday, but it would be like a Monday. It'd be strange. Actually, I'm like getting really confused with my story now.

[Ronnie Karam]

This is crazy. He's like a real man and he has a house in Beverly Hills. It's a really big house. So he has a house. So we have a house. We just basically have our house. Welcome to our house. So Rob's just kind of ignoring her and lighting candles and have catering people do things. And so they're having a private chef over. And enter Sandoval and Ariana to come see how the other half lives.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yes.

[Ronnie Karam]

And Sandoval's like, whoa, dude. Nice crib, bro. Oh my God. Damn. Wow. Wow.

[Ben Mandelker]

Wait a second.

[Ronnie Karam]

Rock. What is this? Is it. It's marble. Wow. See myself in that.

[Ben Mandelker]

Did you just turn on two lights at the same time and you didn't lose power? That's amazing. And your air conditioner's on.

[Ronnie Karam]

Whoa. What are those holes in your ceiling? Those are air conditioning vents, dude.

[Ben Mandelker]

This was kind of like Julia Roberts arriving at like the hotel in Pretty Woman. She's like, like, where did Tom go? He's taking a bubble bath upstairs.

[Ronnie Karam]

Send a fuckin rella. Ariana is just kind of mortified to be with Tom. It's funny watching these old episodes again when we're like, they're so in love. No, they weren't. Ariana's always like, I know.

[Ben Mandelker]

And Rob is such a dick. He's like, oh, hey, poor people. Welcome to my home office. This old little house, it's basically just like a cubicle, am I right?

[Ronnie Karam]

He's like, yeah. So, people from Supercuts, welcome. Have a seat. These are actually made of glass that you drink out of. I know you're not really used to that, so just be gentle when you put them back down on the table. Okay? So here's to living, to loving, to learning, and to falling in love with someone new every day. Machina's like, ah.

[Ben Mandelker]

And then Sheena's like, this is like just so crazy. Cause like a year ago, like, you know, I wasn't in this big, beautiful mansion. I was just like in a living room with TV trays, with Shay. And that was totally cool. And it cuts to Shay being like, hi, pass the mustard, please. She's like, yeah, sure, no problem. As their dinners, like, teeter on these.

[Ronnie Karam]

Little in those Barca loungers they used to have. And then the art on the wall is their Printed canvas wedding things where you don't really even see Shay. You just see Sheena's good side. She's like, ah.

[Ben Mandelker]

Honestly, we all knew this Rob Valletta situation was gonna fail. But after that Shay, that Barcalaundra situation, I was happy that Sheena got, like, a taste of the good life for just one month, you know?

[Ronnie Karam]

Five minutes.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah, she deserves it.

[Ronnie Karam]

So she's like, oh, my God, you guys, I'm so happy. I think that Rob makes my Botox wear off faster.

[Ben Mandelker]

And then the weirdest part was that Heather and Terry Dubrow came over like, can we get in on this?

[Ronnie Karam]

So Sandoval's like, whoa, actually, my Botox is wearing off faster too, bro. Hey, Rob, can I borrow some money for Botox, bro?

[Ben Mandelker]

So Rob's like, you know, I just want you guys to know that I invited you two over because out of all of Sheena's friends, you two are actually nice to each other. I was like, we'll just put a pin in that, okay?

[Ronnie Karam]

And Ariana's like, I don't know who's more into Rob, Sheena or Tom. And it just gets to Tom being like, whoa, are these muscles? Holy shit, bro. When do you have time to work out? Aren't you, like, saving kids and stuff? All right, cough, cough. Whoa, bro. Totally healthy.

[Ben Mandelker]

Dude, do you have, like, a Philips Hughes lights in here? Because that would really seal the deal. So then Rob's trying to be cool. He's like, here comes the dessert that someone else made. Dessert and sex, they're just, like, very similar. Am I right? Ha. Good thing you're getting broke tonight.

[Ronnie Karam]

I'm not finished, Sheena. Right? I'm not finished.

[Ben Mandelker]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Ronnie Karam]

Sex is like dessert. I don't really want any of them with Sheena around. Am I right? Sheena, could you go?

[Ben Mandelker]

I love how sarcastic he is all the time.

[Ronnie Karam]

Actually, guys, like, we, like, literally have sex 20,000 times a day. Like, literally. I'm not even, like, kidding. It's all under seven minutes. Like, it's amazing, Right, Robin? He's like, yeah, sure. And Tom is like, babe, can we have this vibe?

[Ben Mandelker]

And Ariana's just like, can we be on this level? Can we dip out, man?

[Ronnie Karam]

So she doesn't answer him, and so he just says it again. Like, she just didn't hear him. It's like, can. Can we be on this level? And she's like.

[Ben Mandelker]

And then we see a flashback where Jack or Sandoval's telling Jax, like, dude, like, Ariana and I haven't had sex in, like, two months. Like, I don't even know how I'm gonna do this, bro.

[Ronnie Karam]

So then Sandoval's like, whoa. But Sheena, like, you're still technically married, right? And she's like, like, technically on paper, yes. But, like, paper's not everything, you know? Like, a lot of it's in your mind, but, like, in like. Like, in like. Like two months or something. Like, one year. I'm not gonna be married to Shane anymore. And she's like. She tells us. She's like, I have an app on my phone that's telling me exactly how long my marriage is gonna last.

[Ben Mandelker]

She literally says in front of the entire table, yeah, like, this is, like, technically on paper, I'm still married, which means that I can't get married to Rob until July. And he's like, what? I'm joking, obviously. Yes.

[Ronnie Karam]

And I'm like, a modern woman. I don't really need to be married to have a baby. Right, Rob?

[Ben Mandelker]

Hey, I think a TV fell down. I'll be back in seven minutes.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, I have a phone app that tells me the exact moment my divorce will be finalized. I have 1 month, 1 day, 5 hours, 35 minutes, 5 seconds until I'm officially divorced. Add 2 seconds for my bad side to catch up.

[Ben Mandelker]

So then we go over to Katie and Schwartz's apartment, and Schwartz comes back with this painting he made of Jack's. He's like, hey, baba, I'm gonna hang this. Actually, it's of Sandoval. I'm gonna hang this painting of Sandoval, which is definitely a great omen for our marriage. This will fix everything.

[Ronnie Karam]

This is a gift I wanted to give you so that you know how sorry I am for everything I've hurt you with. A picture of your best friend that was probably there while you were fucking somebody on a couch. Thanks.

[Ben Mandelker]

Well, then why didn't you make a painting of me?

[Ronnie Karam]

Um, I don't know how to get the shape of ranch. Right.

[Ben Mandelker]

The instructor told me not to try cubism, so.

[Ronnie Karam]

This is so stupid. Cubism. Wow. But, you know, the Sandoval is my, like, true love in life, right? And Katie's like, yeah, sometimes I think he should have just married Sandoval. We all do. We all do. We've always all agreed.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yes.

[Ronnie Karam]

So then we go back to the. Oh, no. So he's telling Schwartz that Kate. He's like, yeah, we were a painting today and all the guys had absinthe. But I wanted to show you how strong I am and my love for You. So I had just a little bit of absence. Just a tiny.

[Ben Mandelker]

Whatever. I've got someone new to be mad at. You're off the hook. According to Lala, there's a new development in the story and that you. Oh, wait. Oh, this is fun. I actually am mad at you. You were calling a girl bubba.

[Ronnie Karam]

What? When? Wait, is that Katie in here? I can't see anything. Is that a Katie impersonator?

[Ben Mandelker]

I think I blacked out from the. The absinthe shot.

[Ronnie Karam]

So she's like. Yeah. Like, honestly, Lala, that was like, nothing compared to talking with Lisa. I mean, Lisa is really pissed at you. She says that since you're such a toxic man, she's giving you a watch to wear made out of gold just to show everyone how shameful you are.

[Ben Mandelker]

She's so mad, she wants to shoot a fake scene of her scolding you at a dog place. So you get Reddit.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah. So she's like. He's like, why would she be mad at me? I still. I didn't cheat on her. She still got the best rack out of anybody we know.

[Ben Mandelker]

Oh, God. I won't do this ever again. I'm not gonna put myself in bad situations at clubs and shit. I can go out with the guys and grab a drink and have dinner, but that's all I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna black out for, you know, 36 hours straight on a vacation or 36 hours straight not on vacation or right now.

[Ronnie Karam]

Tom, I'm your wife. You should want to be married to me. And if you really wanted to be married to me, you would really make this work. Tom, remember at our wedding when everybody was obsessed? It was like, f. F. I mean, even like, 10 years later, I'm still like, nope, nope, I will not. I do not have to. And I will not.

[Ben Mandelker]

So now we go to, like, a relatively nice scene. Ariana and Lala go to a store where Trixie greets them with this great song, goes, I want that new thing. I want it first. I want it sparkly. I'm like, Covid.

[Ronnie Karam]

But they cut her real song because, you know, Trixie really liked doing obvious songs about whatever scene was coming up. Like, if the electricity wasn't working, she'd be like, it's Doc. It's Doc. So this one was just Vagina. I hate it. Vagina. I hate it.

[Ben Mandelker]

Vagina. Vagina.

[Ronnie Karam]

This is the famous I hate my vagina scene. So, Lala, you've got. They're like, let's put Lala, who loves her Vagina together with Ariana, who hates her vagina. See what happens?

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah. So they have this scene and Ariana admits that she has a lot of insecurities about her vagina. And Lala, by the way, I love when Lala is just like. Like, so true about herself. She goes, you know what? I want every woman to fucking know their worth. No, no, that was sarcastic, by the way. Well, it was sarcasm. Sorry, Lala, I will say.

[Ronnie Karam]

I will say. I mean, her worth was high, but Lala, I will say. This was when Lala was like a national hero. I loved Lala in this phase. I didn't dislike Lala till way later in the game. I didn't dislike Lala until the Harvey Weinstein stuff. I shouldn't even give that man the credit. What was his name? What was his.

[Ben Mandelker]

Russell.

[Ronnie Karam]

No. Brand. Yeah.

[Ben Mandelker]

Rand Russell. Where'd Russell come from?

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, but this was the part where I really still liked Lala. Where Lala's like, I'm going on a fucking boat. I don't need this fucking job anymore. And they're like, oh, really? Whores go on boat? That's what whores do. They go on boats in Italy. And she's like, what's your point, you fat bitch? And I'm like, I. I love a proud ho. This is back when I was like, yes, that's my girl. It's actually nice to see an episode where I'm like, that's my Lala. You know, I don't.

[Ben Mandelker]

I think I had transitioned out of Lala at that point because now she was friends with everyone. Because everyone realized, like, wait a second. Why are we making. Why are we making fights with the one person who has access to a private plane? So once she was in with everyone, she stopped being as interesting. As opposed to the previous season when she's like, nice winter bodies.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah. So I guess someone hasn't been working on their summer bodies, but, yeah, I loved her then. So this is where Ariana is opening up about how she was with, like, an emotionally abusive guy who was really mean to her. And Lala's like, well, let me tell you what, Your pussy is fucking amazing, bitch. If I could wake up for breakfast every fucking morning and eat whatever I wanted, it would be your pussy. It's amazing. I wanna have a parade for your pussy. If your pussy had legs, it could stand up and vote for itself, but it can't, so I'm voting for it. Vote for Ariana's pussy. Yes. I was like, damn.

[Ben Mandelker]

Every. My mama taught me this every Morning, I wake up and I look in the mirrors and I look at every single part of my body and I compliment it. Like, hey, hands, you give good hand jobs. Hey, mouth, you give good blow jobs. Hey, armpits, you do some weird shit we're not going to talk about.

[Ronnie Karam]

She's like, seggy fucking Tom. And she's like, no, so why aren't you fucking Tom? She's like, did I just tell you about my vagina? She's like, do you hate your vagina or do you hate Tom? She's like, I'm not really sure, but I don't want Tom inside of me. So she's like, power to the pussy patch. And that was that one.

[Ben Mandelker]

My little kitty takes some indeed. Like a chump. It was like her famous line that year. So now we go over to Vanderpump Dogs, where Tom Schwartz is going to get learn a thing or two about how to work in business and have a wife.

[Ronnie Karam]

He's like, dead man walking. Dong, dong. Dead man walking. Little boy in trouble. Little boy Kevin was left at the airport.

[Ben Mandelker]

Dr. John Sessa is like, shame, shame, shame.

[Ronnie Karam]

John Blizzard's like, just keep the dogs you adopt, bitch. I'm watching you. So what person remembers Lucy? Lucy Apple, Juicy. So we go. So they're like, here we are for the dog fundraiser, Met Gala. They're still doing that. I got a thing last week that's like, come to the Met Gala for dogs. Vanderpump Dogs. Keeping dogs out of sandwiches since 2017. So Lisa's like, before we talk about cute dogs, you come here, mister. The way I've heard you treating women, how am I supposed to trust you to run a squirrel system?

[Ben Mandelker]

Well, I'm really good with handling peanuts, so I think they'll like that. And I got my shots, so I'm good with the rabies. No, not a real squirrel, you imbecile. Okay, well, mea culpa. You don't even know what that means.

[Ronnie Karam]

I think I fucked her one time when I was blacked out. Does that count?

[Ben Mandelker]

You're thinking of Dua Lipa, you idiot.

[Ronnie Karam]

Oh, yeah. Oh, I like her. So listen here.

[Ben Mandelker]

I don't know what I'm saying.

[Ronnie Karam]

I need someone I can trust. In Tomatoma, you're going to own point 0075203 of this restaurante. You need to show me that you're serious. Let me tell you something. Divorces are made of sloppy mistakes. I mean, so is Katie. Really. All of us are. This is Vanderpump rules, so let's just be honest about that.

[Ben Mandelker]

You know, Schwartze nearly woke up without a wife. Well, next time it will be without a business partner, but instead a magician. Ah, magic. This is right.

[Ronnie Karam]

I'm taking your sin and I'm turning it into a nickel. That just came from behind your head. Oh, magic.

[Ben Mandelker]

This was, I believe, the final season that before Lisa started wearing only magician.

[Ronnie Karam]

Outfits, this was the most. By the way, I'm sorry. This recap is gonna be 20 hours, especially to the husbands. We can't help it.

[Ben Mandelker]

This is an important episode.

[Ronnie Karam]

Go pee if you got to. We don't care. We know it's long, but we have to. These old Vanderpump rules. I mean, this was the season where Lisa wore magicians outfits all season. And this whole season of recaps is just Little Mermaid fanfic with Lisa being. Lisa being the octopus for Little Mermaid.

[Ben Mandelker]

Like, who?

[Ronnie Karam]

Really? You're going to cheat on your wife? You poor, unfortunate.

[Ben Mandelker]

You poor, unfortunate goat cheese balls.

[Ronnie Karam]

Sheena combing her hair with a fork.

[Ben Mandelker]

She's still doing that? Yeah. I mean, it is hilarious. Like, Lisa Vanderpump was, like, used to be the most glamorous person. The fact that in one season, she went from being the most glamorous to wearing magician outfits and installing oversized pendulums into a bar is, like, an amazing turn for me. I really love that.

[Ronnie Karam]

So she lectures him, and then we go over to Jackson Britney's apartment and wee ho. Okay, so Brittany's like, I'll really. Sheena. Sheena, we're gonna get ready for the party. I'm so glad to have my girlfriends here to get ready for a party. He's like, ah. And Kristen's like, yeah, we're here to help.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah.

[Ronnie Karam]

Hey, even models can use glue guns sometimes, girlfriend.

[Ben Mandelker]

Hey, seriously, seriously, while you're pouring those gummies into a ball, I gotta tell you something. Okay? It has to do with Rob. Okay, yeah.

[Ronnie Karam]

He is gonna ask me to marry him very soon. Not really sure of the date, but save it anyway. Just save dates.

[Ben Mandelker]

All right, well, the night of the Vanderpump Dogs opening, we all went to El Carmen afterwards. But then, like, some of us went to, like, he went to, like, Token. And then you're like, yeah, Toca Madera. And he kissed some girl. He just kissed some chick. Like a hostess. Yeah. Yeah, I know it's hard.

[Ronnie Karam]

Oh, yeah, I already know this is a bunch of bullshit. Okay. I already know it is.

[Ben Mandelker]

Oh, seriously, Cocoa, she even, like, pulled up a picture on her phone of the two of you and she was like, isn't this your girlfriend? And he was like, I don't know who she is. I've never seen her before in my life.

[Ronnie Karam]

Well, Sheena, I just wanted you to hear it before you heard it from somewhere else. Cause if you hear here, that's better than hearing it over there. I mean, what if you heard it over there? You would have been all, al here. You're with us. I'm with Kristen.

[Ben Mandelker]

So, you know, it's really important that when you find out that your man's a piece of shit, that your friends tell you and warn you about us. That way, you can stay with them for the next eight years of your life.

[Ronnie Karam]

Okay. Yeah, but, like, it's really funny timing that, like, Schwartz cheats and Jax cheats, and now Rob cheats. Really? Rob has marble countertops. People like that don't cheat. And now you're saying he went up and he kissed somebody. I mean, he doesn't even kiss me, so why would he cheat?

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah, Every time he touches me, he's like, ew. And it's like, we laugh. It's so funny, girl. He's, like, not a kisser, like, or a talker. One of his favorite jokes is that, like, when we're walking into a house together, he slams the door in my face and then calls the police. It's so funny.

[Ronnie Karam]

Who would even say that Rob kisses people? That is crazy. And, like, Katie just. Oh, yeah, of course it's Katie who's saying it. She's jealous. So she's like, yeah, you know what? I don't think there's another word besides cut fitness to describe Katie.

[Ben Mandelker]

You're doing that thing, okay? You're doing that fake thing right now. You're doing that thing where you're, like, fidgeting with your nails going, I know you are, Sheena.

[Ronnie Karam]

My boyfriend's amazing, and he's gonna marry me. I possibly have his baby inside of me right now. His baby. And his baby is, like, hanging a TV inside of my room right now.

[Ben Mandelker]

She literally goes, I just think it's convenience that now, like, the rumors are starting, and I have an amazing boyfriend who I've known for, like, 11 years, and he would never do that, and I appreciate this. And we've dropped it. And we're talking about cake pops now. We are talking about cake pops.

[Ronnie Karam]

So Kristin's doing her, like, oh, my friend is just delusional, but this is how it looks on Kristen. So then we go to Schwartz's, and they're getting ready for the party, and he's like, hey, baba, I love you so much. Oh, bye, Shots. Bye. I used to like you, Shots. We used to be good friends, but then I decided my wife was better. So I'm not gonna have any of you anymore. Katie, did you hear that? Breaking up with you, Shots. Baba. I love you, baba.

[Ben Mandelker]

So we go over the housewarming party and people are arriving.

[Ronnie Karam]

Peter's dancing, so we get that.

[Ben Mandelker]

He's like.

[Ronnie Karam]

Hello, fellow children.

[Ben Mandelker]

I brought some pans. Hey, I just watched Million Dollar Baby. Didn't feature any millions or any babies. Don't get it. I panned that movie.

[Ronnie Karam]

So Brittany's like, everybody, everybody, everybody. Y' all got drink television. So they're like doing the jello shots. And Kristen's like, oh, my God, I can't even do this jello shot. Like, my tongue's too short. So then she's like a bird who can't see right in front of their nose for some reason. Yeah, like, if you put your treat right in front of your dog's nose and they're like, what the fuck? You have to like, I have to get Bueller by the side. You know, she sees it right there. She's like.

[Ben Mandelker]

So then Sheena's like taking selfies, of course. And Jax is like, oh, my God, Sheena. I mean, look, she's on her fucking cell phone again. I mean, how many selfie snapshots do you need to have taken one day? I mean, the only way that she would know if Rob was cheating is if he did it behind her. One of her selfies.

[Ronnie Karam]

I'm right.

[Ben Mandelker]

She's so self involved. Says the guy who has spent all of this season in the Valley being.

[Ronnie Karam]

Like, what about me? What about me?

[Ben Mandelker]

What about what I'm going through?

[Ronnie Karam]

So Sheena is over talking to Stassi. Cause Stassi's there like, oh, God, what the fuck? This place smells. I hate everybody here. Fucking weho fire. Come, we hope. Start it all on fire. Fucking hate this. Like, so Sheena comes over, like, hi, saucy, how are you? She's like, wishing I was dead. Sheena, how are you? And Sheena's like, I'm so good. Like, Rob is about to propose to me like any second now. Like, it's literally crazy. Like, I'm tearing around a tiny blow up pillow in my purse. Because he really doesn't like getting down on his knees. It really hurts him. So I just want to make sure he's comfortable when he does it.

[Ben Mandelker]

Yeah, there's like all these rumors about, like, taco Madera. And I'm just like, stop talking about Taco Madera. We all know he never even goes to Taco Madera. And if he does go there, he's not gonna kiss anyone at Taco Madera. So, like, please, with the Taco Monera, enough for the Taco Madera. Stassi's like, I don't even know you. We're not friends.

[Ronnie Karam]

Stassi's like, sheena was the only person to support me while these other bitches bullied me for one night, so I had to be nice to her for an hour. That hour is up. I have an app on my phone that counts the hours since the hour that I had to be nice to this bitch.

[Ben Mandelker]

And Sheena is still proudly on. She's like, it took me, like, years to get over Shay. I'm like, didn't you break up with Shay last year? But that's fine. It took me, like, years to get over Shay. In the first month, I was just, like, so sad. And now I do, like, want to have a house with Rob. And, like, right now, I. I go to his place and he has, like, this dog. And the dog comes over to me and, like, kisses me on the cheek. And I'm like, oh, my God, you kiss me. But Rob doesn't. That's so funny, talking with her.

[Ronnie Karam]

But don't worry. At least there's still some happy couples. We see Schwartz and Katie walking around, and Schwartz is like, whoa, you've got wavy hair, Katie. Whoa. Hey, ring, ring. What? Farrah Fawcett. Hey, Farrah Fawcett wants her hair back.

[Ben Mandelker]

I don't even know who that is, but she sounds disgusting. So then meanwhile, oh, this is a great moment. Over in the corner, we hear fat sluts all around the town walking up the sidewalk, walking down the sidewalk, Fat sluts bringing me down. I don't want to see them because they're all stupid. Dating old men. Fat old men. Get away from me. You're just a stupid boy. Girl, boy. You're all dumb. All fat. Stupid and ugly. Ugly and fat and slutty and stupid. I hate you all. I'm just a good boy. Wiggy, wiggy.

[Ronnie Karam]

Oh, my God, James.

[Ben Mandelker]

It's Sandoval is providing the beat, and James is freestyling.

[Ronnie Karam]

And just the Sandoval being the one, he's like. So then we go to Jax's den, and he's talking to Carter, and he's like, I'm not trying to have an argument with Brittany tonight, dude. But it seems like it's coming. I. I don't know what it is. She gave me a jello shot. Did a shot ski with me. But all the pins are set up. All the pins. They're all coming to get me, bro. They're all coming.

[Ben Mandelker]

Carter's like, well, you're in a bad place. He's like, yeah, man, I really am. It's just like, I don't know, it's just like, it's really so deep rooted. It's like, you know, if a fucking squirrel walked up to me with a pussy, I probably would have fucked it. Actually, come to think of it, I did. I probably should tell her that.

[Ronnie Karam]

So Britney hears it and she's like, what are y' all talking about here? What are y' all talking about?

[Ben Mandelker]

Talking about fucking squirrels, theoretically.

[Ronnie Karam]

Well, you need to talk to me about fucking squirrels, Jax. Why are you talking to me about fucking squirrels? Why are you talking to some person that don't nobody know? I'm sorry, person?

[Ben Mandelker]

I'm just trying to vent. A Carter. Like sometimes a dude just wants to fucking squirrel.

[Ronnie Karam]

I'll be your wife one day. Oh, wow.

[Ben Mandelker]

Oscar goes to Britney. Oscar goes to Britney.

[Ronnie Karam]

Your chicken wing. You sit your ass down and talk to me.

[Ben Mandelker]

I just want to fuck a squirrel. I just want to fuck a squirrel. So I want a squirrel. What about what I'm going through? I just want to fuck a squirrel. They're hot. They're the hottest rodents.

[Ronnie Karam]

So Lala is hearing all this and she's like, arianas, can I go kick his fucking ass yet? I'm not even going to do it with my hands. I'm going to do it with my pussy. My pussy is going to beat the shit out of that.

[Ben Mandelker]

Wait, hold on one second. Hey, pussy. I forgot to tell you, you're really good at beating the shit out of fuckboys.

[Ronnie Karam]

So Kristen, Kristen's like, hey, Brittany, you okay? Want something to drink? Come on. So let's do a shot. Fuck this shot.

[Ben Mandelker]

Here, I'll hold the shot up for you. Okay. All right, Britt, here comes your shot.

[Ronnie Karam]

Hi. Hi. Oh.

[Ben Mandelker]

Oh. It's like I'm surfing but on dry land.

[Ronnie Karam]

So we go out to the balcony and James and Ariana are talking to Lala. And Ariana's like, oh my God. Kristin said that she heard Jax yelling and Lala's like, not only did he fucking do what he did with Faith, there's fucking audio. There's audio on that fucking phone. Faith recorded that shit. For a while we thought all Faith did was come in and take Tom and Tom's spermy covered couch from their, from their shitty apartment. But Faith came up to fucking play. And if we're not gonna give her any scenes, she's got voice notes on her fucking iPhone.

[Ben Mandelker]

So just for those who don't remember the scandal, Jax had sex with Faith while she was tending to an older lady.

[Ronnie Karam]

Yeah, Faith was like a nurse. She was like a home nurse.

[Ben Mandelker]

It was like a senior.

[Ronnie Karam]

And there was like a hundred year old lady dying in the bed. And Dax came over and they just fucked right in front of this lady.

[Ben Mandelker]

Just fucked in front of the senior citizen.

[Ronnie Karam]

And I love that. Faith does not give a fuck about her jobs. Like it's funny because you know, she has lawsuits against Bravo for all of this. Basically, all these years later she's got. Well, not all of this. There's a lot that happened, but she's got all of this like workplace environment lawsuit stuff going on with Bravo. And it's just so funny going back to this episode where her workplace environment was literally fucking jacked in front of 100 year old.

[Ben Mandelker]

So Lala's talking about this recording that. Yes. Faith recorded like a post coital conversation. Or maybe coital or pre coital or all coital.

[Ronnie Karam]

Coital, Scorchoidal. It was squircoidal.

[Ben Mandelker]

It was all omnicoidal conversation.

[Ronnie Karam]

Curtle, squirt, coital. So they're like, brittany, Brittany, we have to talk to you. She's like, what are your mom. Y' all doing shots? Y' all doing shots? Anybody heard about Jack fucking a squirrel?

[Ben Mandelker]

Do I tell her? Do I tell her? Okay, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Should I tell her? Ariana, you want to tell her? You haven't done anything in this episode. Okay, you want to do it? Ariana's like, oh, I don't want to ruin her night.

[Ronnie Karam]

I can't do this. I'm too, too good of a person. So Brittany's like, just tell me, y', all please just tell me, please. And Lala's like, we have a voice note from Faith where she's fucking Jacks. It's on a voice note. You better. You better what? You better word about it. You better word about it. Give that to me. Give that to me right now. I'm putting this on the bluetooth speakers. Hi everybody. Dude, come on. Listening. Hey, y' all know my boyfriend, Squirrel Fucker, don't you? Well, let's check out his single Faith Fucker. Let's check it out. Boop, boop, boop. Boop, boop. Hold on. I can get it. Just give me a second. Give somebody a second. It's okay. This happens to people sometimes. Do I feel a draft? Shut up. Everything's okay in here. Just hurry. Get it up. I don't have that much time. Just get it. I'm trying.

[Ben Mandelker]

I'm trying. Did someone put on CBS Matlocks upon the store.

[Ronnie Karam]

God damn it. Let me go. Let me just go. Turn on the TV for her. Hold on one second. Yeah, take your time. I need to get this fucking thing. Where? It's not you. It's not me either. It's that old fucking lady.

[Ben Mandelker]

It's on my Matlocks. I don't get it no mores.

[Ronnie Karam]

Do do do do do do do do do. Oh, God, I'm hard. Get back in here. Get back in here.

[Ben Mandelker]

Ah.

[Ronnie Karam]

Is that Angela? La end scene. So there's some audio. So Britney listens to it and she's like, I never trusted that Murder, She Wrote bitch. Jax. Jax. You fucking piece of shit is what you are. You bet. Rotten Hell. Rotten Hail Jack. You bet. Rotten Hill. Rotten Hell. Rotten Hill. Dad. Rotten Hill. And that brings us to the end of Vanderpump Rouge.

[Ben Mandelker]

Thank you so much, Dallas, for coming out tonight. We love you and we'll see you next time.

[Ronnie Karam]

We love you guys. Thank you.

[Ben Mandelker]

Watch what Crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King it's always a party on Allison Block.

[Ronnie Karam]

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[Ronnie Karam]

Kristin the Piston Anderson. Get a bee in your bonnet with Lacey B K Syrah Syrah Whatever will be Will Lauren Sills be bringing the funk? It's Leslie Plunkett she gets an A from us It's Lindsey D. Let's give a kisserino to Lisalino Fresh as a daisy It's Maisie McHenry we love her on the rocks It's Melissa Cox Megan Berg. You can't have a burger without the.

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Berg this is living with Michelle Vivian.

[Ronnie Karam]

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Is swell It's Raquel, yes we can. It's Savannah Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman let's share with Sharon Eldredge Darn skippy, it's Tippy the Bay Area Betches.

[Ronnie Karam]

Betches and our super premium sponsors She's VVIP It's Amanda V Can't lose when you're with Amy Baldwin somebody get us.

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10Ccs of Betsy MD we're taking the gold with Brenda Silva let's get real.

[Ronnie Karam]

With Caitlin o' Neal don't get salty with Christine Pepper can't have a meal without the Emily signs Let's go into the world woods with Guy Tubbs it's our queen It's Queen Laifa Nobody holds.

[Ben Mandelker]

A candle to Jamie Kendall Hail the cork master the master of the cork Jennifer Corcoran we got our wish It's Jen Plish she's not harsh She's Jill Hirsch Knock, knock, knocking on Katie Manock's door My Favorite Murdo Karen McMurdo we love him madly It's Kyle Pod Shadley in the study with a candlestick It's Leslie Peacock we're ride or die for Lisa Rider Baron She's a whiz It's Liz Sarthi always killing it It's Lola.

[Ronnie Karam]

Al Kalani the incredible edible Matthew sisters She eases our woes it's Melissa St. Rose there's a chance of meatballs It's.

[Ben Mandelker]

Rebecca Cloud she's the queen bee It's.

[Ronnie Karam]

Sarah Lemke we cannot tell a lie It's Sarah Talaf's son Shannon out of.

[Ben Mandelker]

A can and Anthony please don't stop it's solely and pop letter let's take off with Tamla Plain it's always a.

[Ronnie Karam]

Good time when you're wasting time with Bravo she ain't no shrinking violet coutar we love you guys. If you like watch what crappens you can listen ad free right now by joining Wondery in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short [e-mail] survey. We acting bad, bad, bad, bad we.

[Ben Mandelker]

Ain'T trying to hurt nobody for decades he was untouchable I'm going from Harlem to Hollywood. But now it's all coming undone. Sean Combs, the mogul as we know it is over. He will never be that person again, even if he's found not guilty of these charges. I'm Jesse Weber, host of Law and Crimes. The Rise and Fall of Diddy, the Federal Trial, a front row seat to the biggest trial in entertainment history. Sex trafficking, racketeering, prostitution, allegations by federal prosecutors that span decades, and witnesses who are finally speaking out. The spotlight is harsher, the stakes are higher, and for Diddy, there may be no second chances. You can listen to the Rise of and Fall of Diddy the Federal Trial exclusively with Wondery. Join Wondery in the Wondery app, Spotify or Apple podcasts right now.