#3088 Below Deck Med S10E09 Part 2: Good Ol’ Unreliable Nathan

Summary

Watch What Crappens – Episode #3088: "Below Deck Med S10E09 Part 2: Good Ol’ Unreliable Nathan"

Podcast Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Original Air Date: November 25, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode is the second part of a two-part recap focusing on Below Deck Mediterranean Season 10, Episode 9, humorously subtitled "Good Ol’ Unreliable Nathan." Ben and Ronnie dissect the drama and absurdities from the episode, especially the challenges faced by the deck crew, the quirky guest requests, and the ongoing interpersonal dramas among the crew. Their recap blends sharp Bravo-satire, musical theater bits, and signature affectionate mockery.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Preference Sheet Comedy & The Guest Lineup

• Theme: The co-primaries, Camille and Patricia-with-a-J (as the hosts joke, "Where’s the J?"), are celebrating their 20th anniversary and have a friend group that Ben declares sounds "like a murder mystery" (02:05).
• Itinerary Requests: The guests' elaborate requests include water toys “out within five minutes,” a “Cleopatra and Marc Anthony” themed party, and “intense seafoods from Barcelona”:
  • "[The guests want] a romantic party set in ancient times, like Cleopatra and Marc Anthony. Do you know what happened in that relationship?" – Ben (03:09)
  • Ronnie and Ben riff on “out-of-the-box” Spanish food themes and costume party ideas, with running gags about ayahuasca trips and naked rose petal portraits (04:13).

2. Deck Crew and Management Drama

• Nathan Under Pressure: The hosts revisit Nathan's struggles despite having a better deck crew, with Captain Sandy laying down “big expectations” and threatening comically dire consequences if windows aren’t spotless (05:15, 05:46).
• Quote:
  • “If I see a streak on this window, then you all will be sleeping for the next eight hours or so, as mandated by the employee handbook.” – Ronnie as Captain Sandy (05:46)

3. Troublesome Guests and “Servant” Shenanigans

• Imran, the standout “problematic” guest, immediately demands towels, laundry service, and repeatedly refers to the crew as “servants,” much to everyone’s annoyance (08:11–10:28).
• Kizzy reacts to washing Imran’s smelly laundry—“Which I loved for Imran, because he's gonna come on here and be a jerk, and everyone hates him, and he's smelly.” – Ben (09:48)
• The guest group otherwise seems normal; Imran’s behavior stands out as crossing boundaries of decency.

4. Boat Drama: Choppy Seas & Sideways Docking

• With dramatic weather, the boat can’t leave the marina, and docking must be done “sideways,” sending Nathan into a stressed spiral.
• Ben and Ronnie riff into a musical-theater style parody, weaving in lyrics from "Into the Woods," poking at the chaos:
  • “It’s the last midnight, last curse.” – Ben & Ronnie, singing (06:07–06:13)
  • "Normally. Normally. Why can't you be normal? Normally?" – Ben, in a wordplay spiral (14:12)
• V expresses her anxiety about docking in front of Joe, with the hosts lampooning the recurring deckhand romance drama (14:12–15:01).

5. Ancient Greece Theme Dinner & Crew Tensions

• The crew preps a “luxury Ancient Greece dinner.”
• Josh, the chef, reflects on cooking grape leaves and references his hometown of Bath, England, in a roundabout way.
• Kathy tries to shake Kizzy out of her funk, but Kizzy stews in her feelings of isolation and lack of male attention.

6. Kizzy’s Melancholy & Seeking Validation

• A significant segment focuses on Kizzy’s low morale and her feelings of being sidelined since Kathy got together with Max:
  • “You’d like to be the center of attention, and I’m not right now.” – Josh, psychoanalyzing Kizzy (31:24)
• The hosts reflect on how attention-seeking is a dead end for self-worth, leading to a tangent about aging, therapy, and personal growth.
• “She’s filling a cup that has a hole in it.” – Kerry, on Kizzy’s endless validation needs (32:12)

7. Crew Performance and Leadership Critiques

• The morning after, Sandy orders all toys out and berates the crew for minor mistakes (anchor, lines, etc.).
• Max is caught letting a guest drive the tender, prompting a furious response from Captain Sandy:
  • “Get Max back to the boat right now, you dumb fuck.” – Ben as Captain Sandy (37:48)
• Nathan continues to flounder, reinforcing the episode’s theme—his unreliability.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• "Where's the J? I'll let you figure that one out." – Ronnie riffing on the guest’s name, Patricia-with-a-J (02:05)
• "We're not a floating trailer park. Geez, this guy over here." – Captain Sandy (as voiced by Ronnie) admonishing Nathan’s fender habits (11:11)
• "No, it's not [OK to be grumpy]. I need full energy. Okay, Happy to shammy. Happy to shammy." – Kathy bantering with Kizzy (28:41)
• “He's not doing so great. So now’s water toy time…and Imran asks Max if he can drive the tender. And Max is like, ‘Yes, of course you can do it.’ You should do it. Enjoy.” – Ben (36:08)
• “I need a boson, not a bro-son.” – Captain Sandy wordplay (37:19)
• “You can't let the guest drive the tender! Why is he over there? Get your fucking shit together on deck. Nathan, you understand this isn't a free for all. I'm now pissed. Get Max back to the boat.” – Kerry as Captain Sandy (38:11)

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Key Timestamps

• 01:09 – Recap transition; start of episode content
• 02:05 – Preference sheet meeting and co-primary guest rundown
• 05:15 – Captain Sandy sets expectations for Nathan and crew
• 08:11 – Guests arrive; Imran immediately demands service
• 14:12 – Wordplay breakdown about docking and “normal”
• 15:01–18:28 – Sideways docking drama and crew tension
• 24:19 – Prepping for Ancient Greece dinner
• 28:41 – Kathy tries to pep up a sulking Kizzy
• 31:24–32:44 – Reflection on Kizzy's self-esteem and validation issues
• 36:08–37:48 – Water toys, tender chaos, and Captain Sandy’s crackdown

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Notable Running Gags & Creative Tangents

• Musical Parodies: Frequent “Into the Woods” lyrical references (e.g., “Last Midnight,” “It Takes Two”), used to mock or underscore crew drama.
• Naming Jokes: Extended banter on “Where’s the J?” and the faux-mystery guest list.
• Bravo Crossovers: Callbacks to other Bravo personalities, especially Ramona Singer’s “servant” reference and Erika Jayne’s quote.
• Therapy & Aging: Tangential but heartfelt discussion about seeking validation, personal growth, and how aging or therapy can help with self-worth.

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Tone & Style

• Language: Irreverent, self-aware, and deeply sarcastic, yet occasionally earnest—reflective of Ben and Ronnie’s affectionate but biting approach to all things Bravo.
• Format: Fluid mix of recap, character voices, absurd joke tangents, and relatable commentary about reality TV psychology.

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Final Thoughts

This episode contrasted the dysfunction and drama onboard with the podcasters’ trademark comedic dissection. “Unreliable Nathan” is both a literal episode theme and a springboard for musing on leadership, work dynamics, and the farcical behavior of both guests and crew. Ben and Ronnie’s banter, musical theater riffs, and moments of real-life reflection create a recap as entertaining as the show they're skewering.

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For listeners, this summary delivers the drama, laughs, and empathy at the show's core, providing all the highlights and context—no need to have heard the original to savor the absurdity!

Transcript

[Ben]

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[Kerry]

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[Ben]

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[Kerry]

Watch what crappins. Who cares what happens when there's so much of crappin? Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens?

[Ben]

Well, hello and welcome to Watch what Crappens. This is part two of a two part recap. If you're like, hey, wait a minute, I didn't hear part one. Guys. It's because we put out a lot of recaps. Go back and listen to part one. Okay? It's before this one. Bye. Enjoy the show. So now we go to Joe and V. And Joe is like, I've got a good feeling about this charter. What about you and. And Nath? Oh, whatever, Nathan. Sorry. And he's like, oh, I'm really excited. It could be a good challenge just to really do the decky part. We know it's coming. So everybody gets to work and then we see Captain Sandy. You know, like, look at me. Just cause I'm a captain doesn't mean I don't work. Look at me. Hand me a chamois. I'm gonna do a window. This window's filthy. This is disgusting. This is disgusting. I want the whole deck crew up here. We need a preference sheet meeting before I yell at Nathan.

[Kerry]

Okay, everyone. Preference sheet. But it's an angry preference sheet meeting. And it's not even a sheet. It's an iPad. Preference iPad. But I prefer, you know, like I prefer zoom, you know, but that's just neither here or there. Okay, the next two days, co primaries. Camille and Patricia. With a J. Think about it. With a J. Yeah. Where's the J? I'll let you figure that one out. They're celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. Oh, I'll take it over. Over here in the Steve reference sheet. Meeting. He wants to treat his friends Imran, Andrew, Miguel, Dr. Carla, Dr. Rossi, and Mike to a dream vacation. Why does that sound like a murder mystery? It really does.

[Ben]

Itinerary requests. On day one, the guests want to indulge in the water toys that the yacht has to offer. Everything goes out, people, within five minutes. I want to see all those water toys that. God, I love. Singing my greatest hits.

[Kerry]

God, if they're. Put the water slide out. Put the little crocodile. Inflatable crocodile. Put the banana out. Put the naughty boys out. If you got a yo, yo, throw it in the ocean. Every single toy out there.

[Ben]

Right away, the group would love to have a romantic party set in ancient times, like Cleopatra and Marc Anthony. Do you know what happened in that relationship?

[Kerry]

They want to have a special romance, like O.J. simpson and Nicole Brown. As long as we're talking about 1994, am I right?

[Ben]

They're requesting a night to dinner theme of sexy nightlife of Spain. And they would like a little taste of tapas sucking pig from Madrid and intense seafoods from Barcelona. You know, these themes are very out of the box. Are they tapas?

[Kerry]

Tapas in Spain?

[Ben]

Tapas. Come on, Josh. Josh, you're proving not to be the worst chef in the world. But seriously.

[Kerry]

Hey, wait. Here's an out of the box theme. Intense seafood from Barcelona. Whoa.

[Ben]

Suckling pig.

[Kerry]

Ooh.

[Ben]

Crazy. Intense seafoods.

[Kerry]

Yes.

[Ben]

And tapas.

[Kerry]

You know, I've gone skinny dipping with a bunch of hippies, drinking ayahuasca in the sacred valleys of Peru, playing guitar with the drummer from Queen. Although I'm pretty sure that when I played guitar with the drummer from Queen, I was still on my ayahuasca trip, so I cannot verify that that actually happened. But the point is, I've never been to me.

[Ben]

And then we see the photo of Josh naked with rose petals all over his wiener as he reaches towards the sky. And the sky says, no, I just. Fuck any man, really. I'm right here. Sorry.

[Kerry]

So now on the bridge, Joe and V are talking about how excited they are for the charter. And Sandy goes, oh, oh, by the way, one other thing. When that sun starts to come up, the boat better be clean on the outside. Otherwise 40 years of, you know, on and off weather, it could happen. So that's just my threat to you.

[Ben]

You know, in the beginning of the season, Nathan had a rocky start because he didn't have a strong deck team. And, you know, now. Now he has a strong crew, and he's still struggling. And we're heading into charter five and this is the third charter with this new deck team. And I got big expectations, buddy. Okay? So I want to see Nathan take charge. I want to see him delegate. And I'm going to have a smooth running deck, fresh in the decks all the time. I'm going to be paying attention. All right? Greens, Greens. Nothing but greens. All right, let's get to it.

[Kerry]

And just remember, when the. At the strike, at the stroke of midnight, if I see a streak on this window, then you all will be sleeping for the next eight hours or so, as mandated by the employee handbook. Okay? Good night, everyone.

[Ben]

It's the last midnight.

[Kerry]

It's the last curse.

[Ben]

So we see everybody getting ready for charter, and you know, Kizzy's miserable in laundry. Love to see it. And so they have to get in their whites. And Max is bringing Kathy a mug of coffee or tea. And she's like, oh, a man after my own heart. I'm sorry. I really know he wants to get married when there's a bit of donut in here.

[Kerry]

So, Max. Oh, congratulations. So Kathy's getting her two stripes, and she's like, kizzy might have beat me to my man, but she will not beat me at my job. And it's all. It's all exciting. And Asia says, coming into charter five, I'm worried that there's going to be to be a bit of residual tension between Kathy and Kizzy after the kids. I'm just gonna shower everybody with positivity.

[Ben]

Well, maybe not. I'll read them for filth. But I'll say it with a very positive tone and a smile on my face.

[Kerry]

So the guest. The guests arrive, and Sandy's like, hello, everyone. Welcome to the boat. This is a beautiful boat, and we have all sorts of fun things for you. We got toys. So many toys. You can't even imagine how many toys there will be. But if by dawn the next morning and the sun is rising, the toys are not back in the boat, then you and your families will suffer a terrible feed. You might get sunburn.

[Ben]

Here's what I want to see before the sun. Sun rises on this boat. One, the cow is white as milk. Two, the chamois is red as blood.

[Kerry]

Three, Is someone gonna take these napkins from us? Is someone gonna take these napkins from us?

[Ben]

Damn it. Foiled again.

[Kerry]

You know, when. When someone's gonna cast a magic spell, and you really should listen to all the.

[Ben]

So the guests come, and Imran, some guy named Imran, interrupts everything, interrupts the welcome, and he's like, yeah, someone should probably take our clothes from us. That would be nice. Mike, you are not even the primary, as usual. How dare you, Imran, always the guy.

[Kerry]

Who'S not the primary is going to make the splash. So, yeah. He basically interrupts Sandy's little introduction to demand that someone take the towels from their hands. God forbid they hold on to it for five seconds while sand.

[Ben]

Cloth there.

[Kerry]

The cloths? Yeah. Like little cloths. Yeah.

[Ben]

Yeah. So then I demand you take all of our clothes from us right now. Okay, that's kind of an odd request, but.

[Kerry]

Well, he does. He does basically say, I need my laundry done. He. In fact, as they go on the tour, he's like, I need to do laundry asap. Is there, like, a servant you can send to do this for us? And he's just like, you see a servant.

[Ben]

Oh, God, that was pretty gross. And she starts laughing, and she's like, I think this guy thinks he's being funny. And he goes, yeah, this is the guy you've been worried about. His friend says, this is the guy you've been worried about. She goes, well, I'll grant him the grace. And this might be a joke, but if there isn't, there might be an uprising amongst the servants.

[Kerry]

She should meet Ramona Singer, who literally called them servants without. Without a wink and a nod. On that one season of New York. She's like, where the servants. So Josh is preparing in the. In the galley, and they're leaving the dock, and, you know, it's the usual stuff, like, you know, lines and anchors and things like that. And Kizzy is sad.

[Ben]

This is funny.

[Kerry]

Yeah.

[Ben]

Kizzy has to do the laundry, and she's like, oh, God, Imran's laundry stinks. Which I loved for Imran, because he's gonna come on here and be a jerk, and everyone hates him, and he's smelly.

[Kerry]

Yeah. But also, laundry should stink. I will. I will allow him that. Like, I mean, Kizzy, what are you expecting? So then Imran, she's making out with it. Yeah.

[Ben]

She's like, but, hey, I'm doing this for other women everywhere.

[Kerry]

Well, there's no other eligible men to make out with, unfortunately. So Imran's like, I mean, guys, I mean, how do. Like, how do I call the servants? Like, what do I call them? I mean, servants. They're servants, aren't they? Servants? What else do we call them? Servants. And this. That, you know, his friends are mortified. They're like, oh, my God, we can't believe.

[Ben]

Yeah. They're like, please stop, God. Please jeez let's stop. So now Josh is wrapping grape leaves. I love a man who can wrap a grape leaf. Listen, you're. You're suddenly hot to me, sir. And then we go to Nathan, who is in the bridge with Sandy, and he's like, can I just leave the flaters inflated? Defenders.

[Kerry]

Sorry.

[Ben]

Can I leave the fenders inflated? Can I leave the flat as a render?

[Kerry]

What was that? If you. Oh, see, this is. This is what happened. You didn't clean the windows by dawn. Now, you've been cursed. You've been cursed to say things.

[Ben]

Cow as white as milk, shammy as red as blood. Hair is yellow as corn. Slippers, pure as cold.

[Kerry]

So he's like, nathan, just remember one thing. Nice is different than good, okay? So. So he's like, so, can I just leave the fenders inflated? She goes, we are pros, remember? I mean, we're not a floating trailer park. Geez, this guy over here.

[Ben]

So now the boat is, like, wobbling, you know, or, like, waving or whatever, and a guest falls in her chair. And then a dryer door hits Kizzy in the head. And then I cheer for a dryer door. And then Sandy starts looking out at the water with her binoculars, and she's like, oh, my God. A live version of my favorite show is coming to town.

[Kerry]

Oh, God, look at that. And they actually show us the waves for the first time ever. They actually put a little graph up. I was like, look, there's the waves. Look how big they are. I was like, okay, normally we just take their word for it, but sure.

[Ben]

We got a dock. We got a dock. Nathan. Nathan, get to the bridge. And then she tells us, now, listen, sometimes there's storms, and they happen in other places where you have wind effects. So I'd like to introduce my new spinoff show to Netflix. Wind effects may not be actually windy, but you're still suffering the consequences. Starring the girl from Revenge.

[Kerry]

So, everyone. Everyone. Okay. Okay. So. Oh, so. Oh, sorry. I thought I was gonna go talk to the guests, but I decided that was just my practice. Let's. Let's see what else is happening on the boat before I go and tell the guests what's happening. I just. Okay, well, let me try that again. So, everyone. Yeah, that's a good starter. I like that. So, everyone. It's a good way to start the conversation. Okay, Asia, you have to tell the guests. We have to go back to the dock, because we're going to go because it swells, it's lost. I'm overwhelmed. I saw so many Big waves out there. The wind is actually happening in real life. It's so exciting. My heart's racing.

[Ben]

Yeah, we're going to go to Villanova because it's, you know, just for the night. It's a nice, protected marina and tomorrow our hope is to be able to get off the dock, but we're going to have to see how many episodes of wind effects are released. And so Nathan is back in the bridge with her and she's like, weather update just came through. Oh my God, we're in trouble. So now Asia goes to tell the guests and she's like, well, Sandy said to let you know that the swell is picking up a lot. So we're going to head into the marina and you can watch all episodes now on Netflix.

[Kerry]

For a limited time only. So they're docking and so normally Norma Lee. Hey, that was a joke. The puna Norma Lee. As if she could get with Captain Norma.

[Ben]

Remember, it's like when I say Norma Lee, he didn't even want to fuck her.

[Kerry]

So normally. I'm never gonna be able to say normally normal again. Oh, wow, I sound like I'm doing sometime. Hey, that could be a great song for into the woods as well. Normale. Normal cannot be normal. Right? That's good. That's word play. It takes two.

[Ben]

Normally. Normally. Why can't you be normal? Normally? So it's time for docking and V is like, oh, God, it's so hard to be professional around Joe. I mean, I just look at him and I'm like, I want to kiss you. But I mean, we're on charter, so professional handshake, not blushing. Don't look into your eyes. Not seeing the sparkle. And I'm. Nope, nope, nope, nope. No, you're an idiot. You're an idiot. Okay, have you not seen this show before? Have you not listened to. To half the things he's told you? I don't feel for you, V. No, back away, back away.

[Kerry]

So they usually. I have to say usually, cuz I literally cannot say normally anymore now. But they usually dock the boat, like with the butt. The butt of the boat against the dock. But this time they have to do it sideways. And this is like causing Nathan to have like a true mental breakdown because they've never done. They've never done it sideways.

[Ben]

So part side, Part side. Part side, Part side, part side, part side. But if it's part side, the lines are completely wrong for port side. And so Imran's eyes like servants. Am I right?

[Kerry]

Hey, so you're gonna use the Bow thrusters, the stern thrusters, boats. Am I right? You ever see a fin on a boat? On a fish that's like a keel? Am I right? Keels and holes, rudders, anchors right.

[Ben]

She's like, yeah, I don't have a stern thruster. And he goes, you don't? You're American.

[Kerry]

Good one, Imran. So Nathan's like, all season we've been docking the boat. Sam too. But now we're gonna do it in the marina. Now we just have to do it. Doc to. This is just a new challenge for a deck. I'm going to lose my. I'm walking on complete eggshells. What am I going to do with Captain Sunday right now? I pray. I can't. I pray that it goes well. It's not going to go well. I can tell you that right now. Cuz Joe's already knocking into walls.

[Ben]

So now Imran is blocking Sandy's view. And she's like, excuse me, I need to see stupid. And he's like, get me a crust of bread, you dumb bitch.

[Kerry]

Hey, this is an A. This is. This is an A docking. And you're a B person. So see your way out of this conversation. Spelled S, E, A. It's a word play. There's a wordplay union starting up. I don't know if you heard.

[Ben]

This guy's terrible. So she's like, we need spring line. Spring lines. He's like, ah, that's American. Ask Jesus. God. We call them. I was going to try and make a joke about spring rolls, but in America we call them. What do we call them? The fried ones? Egg rolls that you get. Yeah, sorry. Okay. That failed.

[Kerry]

Okay, you know what?

[Ben]

Hey, cut that out.

[Kerry]

Hey. Okay, come on, let us. Okay, come on. What's going on with the spring lines? Okay, what's going on? Not. You don't have enough lines. It takes two lines. Two lines. It takes two. I thought one was enough. It's not true. It takes two spring lines. You came through when the journey was rough. It takes two. It took two. It took two lines of us. Come on now, hurry up.

[Ben]

So Nathan's like, I don't know if I can do it. I'm just like, anything can happen on the sea. Will you kiss me?

[Kerry]

Oh, guys, come on. Stay present. Stay present. Every moment. Every moment is a present for the present moment. Come on, guys.

[Ben]

So everyone's like, oh my God. And Joe's like, oh, my God, what happened? What happened to the spring lines? And she's like, oh my God. I removed the wrong Line. Oh, my God. Never mind. And Sandy's like, oh, my God, leave the line, Leave the line. Hello, little girl. What you rush? You're missing all the flowers.

[Kerry]

And Nathan's like, ah, Joel, come on. Go over there. Go over there. Guys, come on, guys. I was like, don't get mad, don't get mad. Come on. Be calm, be calm, Be calm, little one. Be calm. Who out there could love you more than I? Who out there that I cannot supply?

[Ben]

And Nathan's like, I can't get the line there. I can't get the line there. Oh, my God, stop yelling already. And so V is like, it's so much pressure. So much pressure. I've never talked like this before. And just like, well, I don't like it. And spoke to like, I'm a piece of. You shouldn't communicate to anyone in this way. There's no need for it. And meanwhile, Nathan's running around like belting at the top of his lungs.

[Kerry]

Hey, Nate, quiet. Nathan, use your walkie talkie. Careful. The words you say. Charter guests will listen.

[Ben]

He's like agony all alone in the night. She's like, stop getting mad. He's like, I'm not getting mad. I'm just being assertive. Isn't that what you want from me? And Max is like, well, like, you work with. He's like, you work with Captain Sandy. She never scream. Look at her. If she get mad, she gets throw to pant. That is all she do. You need to learn like this. We have the best role model. Just replicate. You do copy paste of doing what Captain Sandy do. Watch.

[Kerry]

Ah.

[Ben]

You are best cool mama ever. And you wake up to somebody saying, hello, bb. Hello, bb.

[Kerry]

Like, I'll tie this one off. I'll tie this one off. Everyone stop yelling. Stop. Use your radio. Use your. Come on, use the radio, Nathan. You can do it. He's like, copy. So they dock.

[Ben]

So they finish docking.

[Kerry]

Yeah, everything's fine.

[Ben]

Everything's fine. As usual, they really needed Captain Carrie here to be like, this time we gotta go in poolside. And let me tell you what he port sword, people die. All right, it's fine. We got in there fine.

[Kerry]

There we go. It's fine.

[Ben]

He really does the best doomsday docking I know. Monologues. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a grappins commercial.

[Kerry]

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[Ben]

I got a cashmere hoodie in like an oatmeal color. And it's finally time that I get to wear this thing. I'm wearing it all the time and I look adorable and dashing. I love them for the wardrobe pieces like this. You know, when it's like cold, you get a nice sweater, a nice pair of pants. I mean, Quint is great for that.

[Kerry]

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[Ben]

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[Kerry]

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[Ben]

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[Kerry]

Okay, all right. It's time to talk to the guests. Okay, time. It's showtime. Sandy. Do it. So everyone. God, that was such a good opening line. So everyone. Hey. So we're here in a different.

[Ben]

Glad I practiced that one. Sometimes it's good to have some lock and loaded.

[Kerry]

We're in this marina because there's weather. There's no either way to say it. So I'll just Sing it. There are storm clouds in the sky.

[Ben]

So they're like, oh, my God, we're stuck here for the night. And you sing. She's like, yeah, you know what? Today's not going to be safe out of there. We're just going to stay here tonight. Listen, I am the captain. I've got a record of Keith, and my record is turning back the boat and refusing to go on the ocean more than any other captain in below deck history. Okay? So we're staying on dock tonight.

[Kerry]

Yeah. But the good news is that we decided to dock in the most scenic dock in all of Spain, the Villanova parking lot. Enjoy the view. Okay, great.

[Ben]

Guys, just enjoy it. You know, where else can you see the lights reflecting off of the big? Lots of. You're gonna love it here, okay?

[Kerry]

So enjoy, enjoy. Just not safe out there. It's dangerous. So Nathan and Kizzy are talking in the galley, and Kizzy's like, I actually really hate everyone today. I'm sad. Like, do you ever get in a mood? We're just like, I don't like anyone today. He's like, oh, sorry to hate me too. I haven't really spoken to you today. You've been ignoring me.

[Ben]

He's like, well, child, we never speak. Then she goes, should we not just randomly come kiss me in the laundry? And he's like, oh. She said, oh, good.

[Kerry]

Swing and a miss for Gizzy.

[Ben]

So Captain Sandy checks in on V and ask her how she's feeling. And she's like, oh, my God, this was my first time doing it sideways. I didn't mean it like that.

[Kerry]

I want to go slowly. I want to go slowly. I wasn't talking about that.

[Ben]

So now they're decorating for their luxury ancient Greece dinner, and Eisha is talking to Josh and asking about canape beginnings or start time. And he's like, all right, we've got grape leaves, oysters. Going to tempura. Then I'm going to. You know, I used to do tempura oysters at a restaurant, like, 15 years ago. It was delicious. Haven't done it for 15 years. Surely it will still work.

[Kerry]

Yeah, what could go wrong with, you know, fried food a la minute? So Josh is like, when I hear ancient times dinner, I think of feeding them grapes. You know, those kind of vibes. He's like, they're like, do you think about the Roman Empire a lot? He doesn't even pick up on really what that means. He's like, you know, I actually come from a town in England that has a Lot of Roman influence called Bath, which has the Roman baths, which I hated going to because I hate baths. And it brings me back memories of Rome, even though I have no memories of him because I wasn't actually there. What was the question again? So, yeah, we're doing our Greek. Our Greek romantic dinner featuring the inspiration of Anthony and Cleopatra. I was also suggest maybe a great love story like, I don't know, Antigone. Or maybe a real, real laugh, real belly, heartwarming one like Medea. I don't know. They could go in so many different directions.

[Ben]

Oedipus.

[Kerry]

Love that love story. Great.

[Ben]

It's a good one.

[Kerry]

Yeah.

[Ben]

Yeah, it's a good one for Mother's Day. So the guests are complaining that they're just sitting in the parking lot, which, you know, you deserve it because you brought Imran. He's fit for the big lots parking lot. So then we go to Kizzy and Kathy decorating. And Kizzy's like, I don't even think I've been outside today. And Kathy's like, oh, you do seem a little bit down today. I'm sorry, do I have a hickey right here on my neck? And Kizzy's like, I'm just in one of those moods where everyone's pissing me off. You know when you have those days? And Kathy's like, not really. Are you cleaning a window while you're setting the table? I am sorry. How I stay happy.

[Kerry]

Did you just Windex my forehead? I did. I'm restless. So then everybody.

[Ben]

So now everybody gets ready for C. And let's see, whatever. Kizzy's like, oh, God, if I'm gonna be in the cabins, is there much point to even dressing for this? Oh, God, I'll just stay in this. I'm not changing into anything. Oh, Kizzy's starting to spiral.

[Kerry]

I know. She cannot deal with being squirreled away in laundry and also not have any guys to, like, flirt with. So Sandy checks in on Josh. Hey, those are some impressive grape leaves. What? They're edible too. Oh, wow. You're working on different levels now, Josh. Wow, Very impressed.

[Ben]

You know what? Here's a question for you. Why don't grapes ever just stay? You know, why are they always leaving? You know, it's a headline. Grape leaves.

[Kerry]

Yeah.

[Ben]

I feel so sad. So sorry for grape's wife.

[Kerry]

I know.

[Ben]

You know, stay with me.

[Kerry]

Right.

[Ben]

Now, everybody's in their Greek outfits and Kathy's feeding Max grapes. And someone calls Imran, a peasant boy, and asks how he likes the wine. And he's like, not a fan. Not a fan of this wine.

[Kerry]

Okay, okay, well, we can keep trying until you find one that you like. That's not a problem. And then one guy is like, I love the vibe and the friendship, friendships, and us being here on this beautiful boat in this parking lot. It's just unbelievable, right? And they all laugh. So. And it seems like everyone's actually pretty normal except for that one guy. That one guy is just awful. And the rest are just like, you know, they're just kind of joking about the situation. So Josh brings out his grape leaves and stuff like that. And Asia sends Kathy to campus with Kizzy. And Kizzy's just. She's just being a spoil sport. And Kathy's like, oh, how are you, baby cakes? She's like, really good. I know I can be grumpy. It's like, if I was in front of the guest, I'd be like. But I know that in front of you is just. You know what? Like, I'm tired of you announcing that you're grumpy at this point. Just be grumpy. Because now it's just performative. Now you're just really begging people just to say nice things about you to get you into a good mood, and no one's taking the bait. It's hilarious.

[Ben]

Yeah. She's like, but I know that I can be grumpy around you, and that's fine. She goes, no, it's not. I need full energy. Okay, Happy to shammy. Happy to shammy. She's like, oh, fuck off. So then Asha's clearing dinner, and Imran's like, for my 40th birthday, I'm gonna steal one idea from your 40th birthday. And the guy's like, oh, is that the hookers or the. Or the coke?

[Kerry]

And Imran goes, no, the quotes. The quotes. Oh, yeah, this one. I've been poor and I've been rich, and I choose rich every single time. Okay, you know what? Never mind. I. I take back everything I just said about these guests.

[Ben]

But I love the Erica Jane nod.

[Kerry]

Yes.

[Ben]

So the crew is serving the main course now, and everyone's like, wow, can we give a slow clap to Josh? Slow clap to Josh. It's basically what Kizzy's giving to everybody else. So. And Josh is like, well, we've got mushroom puree. The gnocchi is truffled. It's also gluten free, just in case. God, that's traumatizing. The asparagus. Red red juice resou beef. Oh, I hope it's cooked to your liking? God. Does anybody here want to kiss me? No. God. Get out of here. Had to try.

[Kerry]

So he goes back down to the galley, being like, because I'm a lemon squeezer. Geezer. Crowd pleaser. Gee, I can't understand why he's not getting laid. So then everyone is like, the dinner's done. Guests are going to bed. Kizzy's helping with dishes. Asian Kathy are just hanging around talking and stuff. And Izzy's just. Because he's just annoyed because that's her thing today. And Imran says he's gonna go masturbate so he can be ready for tomorrow.

[Ben]

Guys, a real classic. So Kissy's talking to Josh, and she's like, you know what I was just thinking right now? I'm not really a yachty, you know? And I feel like being around people who are super, super yachty, you know, I just find it draining, you know? And he goes, you mean Kathy? He's like, oh, let me guess. It's the person who won, the man that you were trying to steal from her, Kathy. And she's like, yeah, I mean, I really like her, but she is really yachty. You know what I mean?

[Kerry]

Now Kizzy is going to do that thing where she's going to reframe the whole narrative to be like, oh, I'm actually not, like. Like, I'm happy for her, but, like, I'm also above her. Like, yeah, she may be better at the job than me, but that's because I just don't care about the job. Because she's, like, so all about being a yachty. Isn't that just so sad? She's now going to, like, change this whole thing. As if she is not literally a yacht on a boat about yachties right on show about yachties right now.

[Ben]

Yeah, I like how you say it. Like, aunties.

[Kerry]

Yachties. Yachties. Yes. But he is so annoying.

[Ben]

And Josh is actually very good. Like, he's very sensitive. I think he's annoying, but he's also, like, a very sensitive, nice person. And he's like, so are you feeling left out? She goes, maybe. And he goes, you'd like to be the center of attention, and I'm not right now. And he goes, exactly. I mean, maybe she's a little on the nose, but he's like, well, I mean, she's just making me feel, like, a little bit small, you know? And I hate the fact that someone has the power to do that to me. I mean, what the. How can you not feel small when you Base your entire self worth on what men think of you and attention that you're getting from everybody else. You're never going to feel any self worth that way. Kizzy, come on, get with it. You're like such a beautiful girl. You've got such a good personality. Well, you've got such charm about you, such charisma. You don't have to be like this.

[Kerry]

Yeah, that's the thing.

[Ben]

Still hope for you.

[Kerry]

All those things, attention, male attention, all the things that she seeking, those are all fleeting and ephemeral. Okay. They're not lasting. And that's why she will always feel small, because she's not really. She's filling a cup that has a hole in it and it's just not going to work out. So Kizzy is.

[Ben]

Josh is like, shall I stick my penis in that hole? The cup's like, no.

[Kerry]

All I want is. All I want is some male attention for once in my life.

[Ben]

Well, you know, for you I have to. Oh, I'm sorry, Ben. I didn't mean to cut you off.

[Kerry]

No, her saying that she wants male. She wants to be the center of attention. She's actively the center of Josh's attention at this moment. And she's like, well, not your attention.

[Ben]

I just wish I could get one male to pay attention to me. He's just staring at her like, any more about your deep seated feelings? She's like, no, God, not you. But I think honestly, one of the best things to happen to me was aging. Because I think so much of your time being young is spent like, oh my God, what do I look like? And who wants to fuck me? And am I good looking enough? Like everywhere you go it's like, am I good looking? Like, who's looking at me and who's looking at my friend? I mean, I think that's just such a normal part of growing up. And then there's a certain point where you just go bald and you get chubby and you age a little bit and there's like no running from it. And you actually have to start like talking, talking to people differently and like you start having to have other skills in life to get you by. And I think that, that, that's going to be good for Kizzy. So maybe we need to check in with Kizzy in 20 years and she'll probably be much more palatable.

[Kerry]

Yeah. Because like in your 40s are great because you really do get a sense of just more of who you are, I think. I don't know. I mean, I. Listen, I love Therapy. I think therapy helps. You know, it's. It's great that we have.

[Ben]

Well, I love ice cream too.

[Kerry]

You know, I think it's great that we have, you know, like, our podcast is doing well. You know, when you spend so many years in la, you know, just trying to make ends meet in trying to find success and trying to make it as a writer and try to make it this and that, like, it can. It can actually do a number on your psyche. But, like, you know, to finally have, like, a stable job that's doing nicely, like, all those things kind of like help you relieve some pressure and you start to realize you can. You can sort of focus on yourself a bit more and you start to realize what you like, what you don't like, and. And you can just kind of let a whole bunch of bullshit go. And I'm looking forward to that for Kissy, like you said in 20 years, when she hits 43. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way. We're. We're lucky.

[Ben]

Yeah. When it's just not all attention from men, you know, and I. Someone who wanted attention from men, too, you know, and it's not just a woman thing. Men do it too.

[Kerry]

Yeah.

[Ben]

So. But it's just like. It's just not the way to live. It's sad. It's sad to watch it.

[Kerry]

It doesn't work out.

[Ben]

But everyone also looks at.

[Kerry]

Look at Brittany bateman. She's like 53, and she's still in the, like, she's still in her Kizzy face.

[Ben]

Well, that's true. Yeah, that's true. I guess everybody doesn't change. But I mean, I said, like, when you get chubby and bald, so.

[Kerry]

Oh, that's fair.

[Ben]

There was also that element to it, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, just, you know, God, I hope the best for her, but, God, right now she's fucking obnoxious. So now the next morning on the boat, everybody's getting up in the morning, and Captain's like, joe, Joe, wake up the whole crew, because they are leaving the dock in 5th, 15 minutes. You understand me? Into the sea. It's time to go. I hate to leave. I have to, though.

[Kerry]

Oh, God. Wake up, wake up. Okay, we're gonna go. We're gonna go. Get the anchor, get the anchor. All right, now we're out. Okay, we're going. Departure. That was a great departure. Now all we have to do is drop an anchor and nothing could go wrong here. Two shackles in the water. Two shackles in the water. Not more than two okay, how many shackles do we have? Three shackles in the water?

[Ben]

No.

[Kerry]

Why? You have the extra shackle in the water. How'd you miss that?

[Ben]

He's like. I was looking back on the finger. And she's like, ah, God, stop staring at your fingers.

[Kerry]

Jeez.

[Ben]

So then breakfast time. And the anchor is fine. Everything's fine. But Nathan is just fucking up left and right. He's not doing so great. So now's water toy time. And Imran asks Max. Max if he can drive the Tinder. And Max is like, yes, of course you can do it. You should do it. Enjoy. He gives him hands on the key or sleep. Hands on the keys.

[Kerry]

How could you do that? What an idiot.

[Ben]

Ah.

[Kerry]

So they're like. They're doing that. And then meanwhile, Nathan is. Nathan's in the galley. He goes in the galley and he's like, sort of joking around with V and some other people, etc. And Captain Sandy comes. Comes in and she's like, nathan, could you go do your job, please? It's like, oh, God. I'm like. And he's like, oh, God. I feel like. I feel like I enhanced my body for one moment and I got chewed out. I'm working my ass off. Yeah, don't untense your body.

[Ben]

Meanwhile, while this is happening, Max is out in the tender with some guest who's driving it. Sir, no, you're not really doing your job.

[Kerry]

Stay focused. I don't understand why Nathan keeps being goofy. Okay? I need a boson, not.

[Ben]

Wait, wait.

[Kerry]

For everyone. A bro, son. That was good.

[Ben]

That's right.

[Kerry]

That's right.

[Ben]

Nailed that one. Hold on, hold on. Did you hear that, B.B. baby, that was so good, baby.

[Kerry]

Let me go tell the guests. So everyone, I said we need a boson, not a bro, son, because they're very bro y, you know? You understand bros, right? You're not. Okay, great. Not gonna laugh. That's fine.

[Ben]

Okay, so then she gets up on the deck and she sees the Tinder situation. She goes, oh, fuck, who's in the gender? And he's like, oh. Max is away with one of the guests. And she's like, max, Max, get back to the boat right now, you dumb fuck. So Max is like, oh, let us not go too much far from boat because Captain Sandy will not like it. And he's like, oh, what is she gonna get mad at you poor people.

[Kerry]

You can't let the guest drive the tender. Why is he over there? Get your fucking shit together on deck. Nathan, you understand this isn't a free for all. I'm now pissed. Get Max back to the boat.

[Ben]

Meow. Da da da. And that will end your journey. I wish that brings us to the end of Below Dick Mediterranean, everybody.

[Kerry]

Wow, what a. What a shit show. Everyone, we will see you for our Salt Lake City recap. And definitely check out our bonus episode on Patreon this week, which was the trailer trash of the Valley. Persian style and all that good stuff. Thanks for being here. We'll talk to you next time.

[Ben]

Bye.

[Kerry]

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[Ben]

She ain't no shrinking violet Coutar we love you guys. If you like, watch what crappens. You can listen ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short [e-mail] survey.