#3110 Vanderpump Rules S12E2 Part 1: A Manifest for All Seasons

Summary

Watch What Crappens — Vanderpump Rules S12E2 Part 1: A Manifest for All Seasons

Podcast: Watch What Crappens (Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam)
Episode: #3110
Date: December 11, 2025

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Overview

In this episode, Ben and Ronnie dive deep into the second episode of Vanderpump Rules Season 12, dissecting the new cast, reliving Ben’s night at the show’s publicity party at SUR, and lovingly (but hilariously) mocking the drama, the “manifestation coach,” the restaurant’s peculiarities, and Bravo fandom itself. The energy is high as the hosts adjust remarkably well to the cast reboot, explore both the on-screen pettiness and meta Bravo discourse, and pepper in endless tangents, impressions, and quotable banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Embracing the New Vanderpump Rules Cast

• Initial Reactions (02:12–04:27):

  • Both hosts are “shocked” at how much they’re enjoying the reboot. Ronnie delights in the wild contrast of “lap dances next to sobbing,” while Ben reflects that it “feels like old school Vanderpump Rules” with new faces but characteristic pettiness.
  • Quote:
    • Ronnie: “When you’ve got someone getting a lap dance next to someone who’s sobbing, I’m in.” (02:17)
    • Ben: “I have no complaints. Honestly, I’m shocked at how easily I segued into this new cast... It’s very entertaining so far.” (02:38)

• Bravo Audience Culture (03:31–04:27):

  • “Part of being in the Bravo audience,” Ben and Ronnie agree, is chronic, loving complaint. Ronnie jokes about his “hobby” of complaining, while Ben insists the reboot nails the show’s working-class roots — “poor people working at a restaurant thinking that’s going to make them famous.”
  • Quote:
    • Ronnie: “We’re not grateful for anything. All we do is complain.” (03:35)
    • Ben: “This show went back to what it was always about, which is poor people working at a restaurant...” (04:21)

2. Behind the Scenes at the Press Party at SUR

(05:28–11:14)

• Ben spills about attending Bravo's Vanderpump Rules publicity party:
  • Raves over unexpectedly delicious hors d’oeuvres (“Chef Joe stepped up his game”), the physical pain of the infamously tiny SUR chairs, and bumps into other Bravo podcasters and Instagram personalities.
  • Shares that almost all the new cast attended, except “the eyebrow cousins.” Speculates NBC may be hiding them for a pending “scandal.”
• Shane Davis’ outfit change (“from black t-shirt to white tank top”) sparks playful debate over his hotness level.
• Starstruck moment: Ben “fangirls” over the SUR Squirrel machine, the oft-seen but rarely witnessed-in-person POS device, calling it the “real star of the show.”
  • Quote:
    • Ben: “The thing that got me most excited was I got to see the Sir Squirrel machine up close and personal...this is the real star of the show.” (11:04)

3. Recapping the Episode — Scene-by-Scene Roast

Kicking Off at SUR (13:00–15:00)

• Dramatic staff meeting with Lisa: exaggerated English quips, talk of calendar photo shoots, and Lisa’s ever-entertaining sexual innuendo.
  • Quote:
    • Lisa impression (Ben): “How can I throttle a person with a penis? I’m gonna have to find a way to work this out.” (13:41)

New Staff Introductions & Flirtations

• Early scenes introduce main newbies:
  • Chris (the “tall, Jersey, tall eyebrows” guy), and Demi (perpetual RBF, “I hate you 24/7”).
  • Audrey shares LA dreams and her “getting arrested for blasting Rihanna” story. Ronnie and Ben crack up at the back-in-2023 “momentous year” trope.
• Moldavite Manifestation:
  • Venus’s Moldavite necklace story (18:27–19:36): The hosts snark mercilessly over his “crystal wisdom,” with Google and AI-riffs about “the dumbest crystals.”
    • Quote:
      • Ronnie on Moldavite: “You’re waiting on my table. I’m manifesting bread. Make it happen.” (19:04)
      • Ben on AI: “AI is not playing today.” (22:58)

Marcus’ Drinking & Relationship Drama

• Marcus gets called out for drinking on the job and faces Lisa's “ball busting” (31:16); his relationship with Kim is in constant flux, compared (exhaustingly) to “Ross and Rachel.”
  • Quote:
    • Kim (via Ben): “It’s like the dumbest Ross and Rachel breakup.” (25:19)
    • Ronnie: “The worst thing to ever happen to pop culture was Friends being re-released on Netflix.” (24:11)
• Brothers discuss Marcus’ rough upbringing and Lisa’s leadership style.

The Manifestation Scene: Venus & Audrey

• Venus runs a “manifesting” session with Audrey at his apartment, complete with a “stolen SIR candle,” charcuterie, and Secret references.
  • Ronnie mercilessly mocks manifestation as “how you get parking spaces, and that’s pretty much all it’s good for” (38:00).
  • They banter about “Quantum physics, epigenetics, biocentrism, Peaches” (40:01), blending pop psychology with delicious nonsense.
    • Quote:
      • Venus: “Manifestation is complex as fuck...but I’m going to break it down into eastern.” (36:30)
      • Ben: “All this talk...is really just used for, like, little everyday tasks. Like: please deliver my Postmates early.” (41:05)

Guy’s Night & Candid (Silly) Confessions

• The eyebrow twins, Marcus, Shane, and Venus have a guys’ night with mocktails (for Shane) and shots (for the rest).
• Marcus tries to brand himself as the “bad boy” but is gently roasted by the hosts and friends for being sweet and “the only friendly person.”
  • Marcus on Venus: “He always tries to do crazy, man. Me and him vibe over that because we’re like, shots, shots...” (47:01)
• Venus on his sexuality: “100% gay. I could never eat a pousse. Never won’t touch it. Disgusting.” (53:35)
  • Shane cracks up in the background.

SUR Workplace Drama: Natalie vs Demi

• Tense exchange as assistant manager Demi tries to issue an HR write-up for Natalie’s drunk behavior. Cattiness, denials, and Bravo’s classic “no one owns up” dynamic in full force.
• Chyron humor: “You’ve been gone for 27 minutes, which is basically an hour.” (58:46)

LA Life and Family Calls

• Natalie and Audrey hike to the Hollywood sign (“living the dream”), while Chris FaceTimes his dad to talk about Jersey, surfboards, and being “family oriented.”
  • Chris, imagining his Jersey alternative life: “I’d probably have kids, with a stable income...But I know what it’s like to be a big actor. I want to know.” (64:58)
  • His dad’s weather obsession and advice: “Life is too short. One minute it’s sunny, the next minute it’s raining. Sometimes it snows. What can you do?” (64:13)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Vanderpump’s Audience:

  • “We’re not grateful for anything. All we do is complain.” — Ronnie (03:35)
  • “This show...poor people working at a restaurant thinking that’s going to make them famous.” — Ben (04:21)

• SUR Publicity Party:

  • “The thing that got me most excited was...the Sir Squirrel machine up close and personal...this is the real star of the show.” — Ben (11:04)
  • “Ken sort of like...walking around like the Tin Man.” — Ben (10:11)

• Bravo Show/Pop Culture Skewering:

  • “The worst thing to ever happen to pop culture was Friends being re-released on Netflix.” — Ronnie (24:11)
  • “How, you know, you’re basic is if you’re comparing yourself to Ross and Rachel.” — Ben (25:12)
  • “Expect, like, the black monolith from 2001 to be there and you just see, like, a server throwing a pumptini glass in the sky.” — Ben (18:15)

• Crystal/Manifestation Mockery:

  • “You’re waiting on my table. I’m manifesting bread. Make it happen.” — Ronnie (19:04)
  • “All this talk...is really just used for, like, little everyday tasks. Like: please deliver my Postmates early.” — Ben (41:05)
  • “There are no man— it’s like life coaches who have, like, loser lives, you know?” — Ronnie (36:59)
  • “Venus acts like eyes are the window to the soul. Like, he came up with that.” — Ben (53:20)

• Classic SUR Staff/Sexy Banter:

  • “If both of them are drinking, they’re two completely different people. It’s like before Moldavite, after Moldavite.” — Venus (48:43)
  • “Cheers to boys night, boys.” — Venus (57:26)

• On LA Aging/Dating:

  • “31 in LA is like, okay, well...have fun in retirement.” — Ronnie (55:24)
  • “She’s not like all those other LA girls. She’s, you know, fit and blonde and believes in things like manifestation and doesn’t know a lot of things. She’s a real unicorn.” — Ben (56:40)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Podcast’s theme and housekeeping: 00:29–02:12
• New cast and Bravo audience musings: 02:12–05:28
• SUR publicity/press party behind-the-scenes: 05:28–11:14
• Ben’s Squirrel machine fangirl: 11:04 (highlight)
• Episode recap begins: 13:00
• Manifestation/Secret/crystals roast: 35:09–41:26
• Marcus’ brother chat and Lisa’s meeting: 27:09–33:39
• Guys' night and sexuality confessions: 46:38–54:02
• Natalie vs Demi HR write-up fight: 57:40–59:50
• Hollywood sign hike and Chris’ dad call: 61:29–65:11

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Tone & Style

The hosts’ irreverent, affectionate skewering is in full force — equal parts show recap, insider gossip, and pop-culture satire, all with the signature “we mock because we love” energy. Quips, extended bits (crystal AI, pop song parodies, Lisa’s slow-motion entrances), and endless impressions (Lisa, staff, and others) make this episode especially lively and full of unique, meme-worthy banter.

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For Next Time

Stay tuned for Part 2 of the recap — and as always, “We mock because we love!”

Transcript

[A]

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Watch what Crappins. Watch what Crappins. Guess what happens when there's so much that happens?

Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens?

Well, hello and welcome to Watch what Crap Ins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today for some Vanderpump rules action, it's Mr. Ronnie Caram. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going.

Everyone? Here we are. Middle of the week, there's. It's such an exciting time because Vanderpump Rules back. It's exciting. So on Monday we are doing two fabulous things. We have Amazon live at 4 o' clock on the west coast, 7 o' clock on the east coast. So join us for that because we actually have a lot of fun doing those. So we always love seeing your faces there in the comments. Etc. And then after that we have Crappy Hour. It's our last crappy hour of 2025 and we're going out with a bang. There is slated to be a special guest, but we always, we never want to jinx it in case things happen and they can't be there for whatever reason. But we do have a special guest and we're really excited. I personally am extraordinarily excited for this guest and I think that you are also equally extraordinarily excited. So stay tuned for that and come join us Monday at 5:30 on the west coast, 8:30 on the east coast. Also we have Patreon patreon.com watch crappins, where you can watch our bonus episodes. This week we did a trailer breakdown of Summer House. The trailer that everyone's been talking about features the return of the original theme song and Carl and Kyle fighting, which is exciting and rhyming. So that is what's going on. Bonus episode. Ronnie, we are here. Vanderpump Rules. What say you? What say you about Vanderpump Rules?

[B]

Loved it.

[A]

Two weeks in.

[B]

Even better than the first one. I liked it. I thought it was really funny. I mean, listen, when you've got someone getting a lap dance next to someone who's sobbing, I'm in. I mean, that's when I was like, okay, this show is speaking to me. That's all I need. A bunch of young dumb dumbs. I mean, the guy who's like a. What is it? The secret. He brought up the secret. A Manifestation coach. The guy who doesn't condition his hair. I mean, yes, I'm in.

[A]

Yeah, I. I love it too. I think it's actually really good. I actually have. Honestly have no complaints. I'm actually shocked at how easily I just segued into this new cast. I. I started watching the episode. It felt like old school Vanderpump rules to me in terms of the way it looked, the pettiness, the silliness. I really have no issues with it whatsoever. And it makes me sad because I go online and I see people complaining. People, you've gotta, like, get your priorities together. Because when the show. When last season on Vanderpump Rules, everyone complained. And guess what? They got rid of the cast. Now there's a new cast and everyone complaining. It's like you either complain. You complain about one, or you complain about the other. Well, actually, I shouldn't say that. I was gonna say everyone has a right to complain about everything at all times. God knows I do. But, like, I. I think that people should legitimately give this show a shot. I think it's. I think it's, like, very entertaining so far.

[B]

But, you know, what is part of being in the Bravo audience?

[A]

Yeah, it's just that.

[B]

That's just how it is. We're not grateful for anything. All we do is complain. I mean, listen, and I'm the worst. My hobby is complaining. I love to complain. And, you know, I watch these shows. I mean, I almost had a conniption fit. Watch talking about Salt Lake City today because of things that I was complaining about. But I don't want those people to get fired. I love their show, like, even getting on my last nerve. I understand that they're giving me a gift, you know, because I watch these shows because I like people to get on my nerves. I just like it. It gives me a. Gives me a chance to be judgmental and everything else. I don't know. It's like, you see, I have to see the grateful part too. But I. I do think it's just part of being the Bravo audience. We complain about everything. We don't like anything. If you only read. If you only read what people's reactions were to shows, you'd be like, these shows are going to be canceled in two seconds. But ever since they came out, that's just how the Bravo audience is. We like to fight and we like to complain.

[A]

Yeah, I get that. And. And the truth is, you know, I obviously famously complained right from the get go about the Roni reboot and how I Didn't like it, yada, yada, yada. And I would contend that, you know, the reason why I complained about that was because that show did not go back to its roots. It tried to create new roots in a different kind of vibe, and that failed. Whereas this show, I think, actually did go back to what the show was always about, which is poor people working at a restaurant thinking that's going to make them famous outside of reality fan stardom, you know, And I think that's. That's what we want and what we need. So I think that, like, the. The reboot is doing good things. I also should mention that there was a Vanderpump Rules publicity party. Basically, Bravo threw a party for Vanderpump Rules on Monday, So invited all. All the usual suspects. So I was there. Courtney from Two Judgy Girls, Kiki mo', Nique, Cessy from the Bravo docket. Ryan Bailey. All of us, you know, just a pack. So we went to. Sir, I'm so pissed.

[B]

I'm still so pissed. I'm still so, like, to this day, I'm pissed. I'm missing so much stuff being in Texas, and I'm not. Go ahead, because I'm happy for you.

[A]

So it was fun. Got to, like, you know. You know, I hadn't been discern forever. I forgot. I forgot the joy that that comes with trying to sit in those tiny little kindergarten seats they have where you sit on your knees or up to your eyeballs. I like, why do they have those chairs? Here are some of my takeaways. So there were. There were tons of past apps. You cannot imagine. There was more Pat. There are more little hors d' oeuvres going by than I've ever seen at a party. And, like, look, we've both been to Sir. We know food is not the strong point. It's not even their weak point. It's. They're really.

[B]

It's their food's not even a point. I'm surprised they even have it, to be honest.

[A]

Can I tell you something? Their hors d' oeuvres were delicious. Every single one of them. I was like, that's really. That was delicious. That was delicious. I mean, they had crab cakes, you know, tuna tartar tacos, goat cheese balls, sliders, everything. I was like, whoa, something has happened here, and I'm actually not even comfortable with how good this food is tonight. Like. And we were all like, whoa, the food is good here tonight. So Chef Joe stepped up his game. I appreciate that also. So almost the entire new cast Was there. The only two people that were not there were the eyebrow cousins. I don't know why they weren't there. Maybe they. Maybe they have a scandal brewing that NBC was like, we're not going to put them in front of our content creators. But everyone else was there.

[B]

Oh, I would have left anyway if my little mini brows wasn't there. I love him.

[A]

Yeah, Mini Browse was not there.

[B]

So cute. His little tiny butt and his little mini brows.

[A]

Shane Davis was there and he's wearing, like, brows.

[B]

Sorry. Yeah, Shane Davis.

[A]

Shane. Shane Davis was like a black. Shane Davis was wearing, like, a black T shirt, but at some point he was like, I'm gonna take the T shirt off. So we took it off and he was just, like, walking around in, like, a white, like, tank top.

[B]

Yeah, Shane Davis. That's why. Shane Davis, baby. Yes. Shane. Shane Davis.

[A]

The white tank top was like, actually, I don't know, it actually, like, we all kind of agreed. We're, like, kind of ruined something. It just sort of was, like, not. It wasn't as sexy as you think. Like, yes, we could see his arms, but it kind of took away from his hotness. I'm not going to lie. And then.

[B]

I do not believe you.

And I love a bunch of, like, podcasters sitting around, like, shaming the hottest guy in the room. It was just sort of being like, whatever.

[A]

We have to.

[B]

He doesn't work with. That doesn't work for him.

[A]

We have to. Otherwise we need to be able to chip away at the hot people. Hilaria. Baldwin was there.

[B]

Hilarious. Baldwin. What the hell is she doing there? Get back to your.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Cucumbers.

[A]

I don't know. But I think my theory is that her Dancing the Stars partner, Gleb, he was there and he was. Gleb. Glib was Lisa's partner. So I think Lisa invited him, and then he invited Hilaria. But I didn't realize it was hilarious at all.

[B]

People were like, her name is Eladia.

[A]

I'm trying to think of who I interact with. Marcus. Marcus from the show. I was like, okay, I'm going to go take a picture.

[B]

And.

[A]

And I go up to him and he's like, oh, man, you guys are hilarious. Oh, man, you guys are so funny. So he listens, and he was so. He was adorable. I'm not going to lie. He was adorable. And I was like, now listen, we're still going to make fun of you. And I said, if you really mess up, you're going to hear it from Ronnie. I said, from me. I said, well, because I said, I will. I'll go in on you, but Ronnie will really go in on you, so be careful. He's like, totally, man.

[B]

The main one's gonna get you, but it'll also take care of you forever. He'll also. He'll also hug you. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, we will hug you. We will take care of you. Sweet, sweet Marcus.

[B]

Although don't.

[A]

Don't quote me on the sweet, sweet part, because we were only two episodes in, and then I saw there was just sort of around. I met Natalie, and she was like, hi.

And someone on the staff, Gabby. She's like, oh, my God. She also listened to the show. She was like, am I in the presence of greatness right now? I love your podcast.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

I hope to see Gabby on the show. I hope we see Gabby on the show. Oh, and actually, one of my greatest thrills, you could take, like, pictures in the back alley. So that was fun, except they were all blurry. Thanks a lot. That's so typical that you do have, like, they have a professional photographer back there taking blurry photos in the. In the back alley. But I was like, you know, all this has been exciting. It's cool. You know, Ken and Lisa were there. Ken sort of like. He's sort of, like, walking around like the Tin Man. But I said, honestly, the thing.

[B]

Was he holding a tiny dog?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But the. The thing that was. Yeah. And by the way, the two bartenders, the two male bartenders who were back there, holy crap. I mean, Sir's always had hot bartenders. These are the two hottest bartenders they've ever had on their staff. I was like. I was like, wow. Lisa, really bring. You know, pulling out all the stops. But the thing that got me the most starstruck. The most starstruck of all of the entire evening. And I say this as someone who got to take a picture with Lisa. The thing that got me most excited was I got to see the Sir Squirrel machine up close and personal. I was like, is that it? I was like, gabby, is that the machine? She's like, that's the machine. I was like, oh, my God, it's the Sir. The number of times we've seen Sheena, you know, clock in on that machine or, like, tap it, like, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack. Table 16 needs a pumptini. I was like, this is the real star of the show.

[B]

No, the refrigerator is the star. Did you get a picture of the fridge?

[A]

Well, that's in the kitchen. I don't think we're allowed in the kitchen.

[B]

But this isn't it right by the. Isn't it right by the machine? It's right by the squirrel.

[A]

It is. I did take a picture of the machine, so I'm going to try to get the. Let me see if I. Hold on. I'm going to send it over and I'm going to put it up on. On our screens. That way everyone can see the glory that is.

You know, the Sir Squirrel machine. Of course, Airdrop isn't working at this very vital moment of the podcast, and I just have to. Vamp. Vamp. Vamp, vamp, vamp. The point was, it was a really fun night and it was a delight. I also. Oh, I also went up to someone that I thought I recognized from BravoCon. And I went up. I go, hi. And she goes, hi. I go, met at BravoCon, right? She goes, yeah. And then she was staring at me like, I don't know who this person is. And I realized, I don't know who this person is. I go, well, it's good to see you. And she left. And I was like, I don't know who is.

[B]

Amigo.

[A]

That's exactly how it went.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Anyway, it was super fun.

[B]

Yeah, I'm super.

[A]

It was. It was a great fun.

[B]

I'm glad you had fun.

[A]

Oh, look what's on screen, everyone.

[B]

Stupid fan.

[A]

The Squirrel machine. There it is. I'm not lying. Look, Ronnie, look.

[B]

Oh, there you go.

[A]

Crap is on Demand. Exclusive. It's a shot of the Squirrel machine at sir. And look, there's a martini glass next to it.

[B]

Yeah, so someone's actually working there because you see an empty martini glass, you know, you know it's in use. Well, that's good. Good times, everybody. Well, thanks for the invite, guys.

[A]

Yeah, I'm sorry, I wish I had more tea for everyone, but it was. It was just a Gian publicity event. That is fun.

[B]

Yeah, sounds fun. All the pictures look really great. I've see. I see it on everybody's socials, you know, and I'm like, whatever. Saw Lars and Carrie?

[A]

Oh, yeah, Laura and Carrie were there.

[B]

Everyone got to go except me. Bravo.

[A]

Breaking news. Our friend Jaques from Daily Mail.

[B]

Whatever. Okay, so let's get this going. We open up at where Sir, Everybody. And a little cupcake comes out. A waiter's holding a little cupcake, and the little poof comes out. And then Lisa turns into Lisa and she's like, hello, bloody head of that staff meeting. I mean, what was that, darling?

[A]

Oh, yes. How Terrible. Guillermo's like, with everything that we have to deal with, you know, like, did you remember last week when we saw that plastic bag blowing across Santa Monica Boulevard? The times.

[B]

The times, they are a changing. There's a lot of intense relationships going on here. That's for sure, because it's. What a crazy environment. Marcus has been with us for many years, but I don't know whether to suspend him, fire him, or throttle him. But how can I throttle a person with a penis? I'm gonna have to find a way to work this out.

[A]

I mean, it's hard to believe it. He's been working here for so long. I mean, he's watch us so long, he predates 2023.

[B]

The year it all changed. 2023.

[A]

How can I run a successful business if the servers are pissed on the floor? Pissed, of course, is in English. That means drunk. My English, not your English. You guys mess it up on the boat coming over here.

[B]

Well, we've got to. We've got to do the sir pornography photo shoot. It's just in a couple of days, everybody. This is where we make a calendar of sexually harassing the young people that come in here to work. Now I'll whip them into shape for sure.

[A]

That's right, because we have HR now, and as we all know, HR stands for Happy.

Rotini. It's new on the menu.

[B]

Hussies and renegades. So the restaurant, it's contagious.

[A]

When Lisa gives a real sweaty joke about the English and coming over and being drunk, it's just contagious. You start making bad jokes yourself. What can I say?

[B]

When did we ever stop?

[A]

Happy Rotini, please get the Happy Rotini.

[B]

So now the restaurant's opening and guests are coming in, and Demi's like, hi, how's it going? And Chris is like, oh, my God, I'm sweating my balls off. You look happy for once. And she's like, thank you.

[A]

By the way, I did talk to Demi also. I said, by the way, I love you on the show. She goes, really? I'm like, yeah. Like, oh, you're not joking. I was like, no. I think. I love that. You look disgusted by everyone. She's like, I am.

That's funny.

[B]

So which one is Chris? I'm sorry, I still don't know people's names.

[A]

I think Chris is tall. Jersey tall eyebrows.

[B]

Oh, yeah, okay. From Tangled. So he's like, yeah. I know I'm new to the restaurant because I've been here for, like, three weeks, but my first impression of Demi is like, she doesn't have a resting face. She has a resting I hate you face 24 7.

[A]

Or she just might hate you 24 7. So Demi's like, do you know the specialty cocktail? How would I know that? She just points, like, the menu that's literally in front of him. This is where the resting bitch face comes from.

[B]

So Audrey is seating guests because that's her job. And she's like, I've been serving since I was 16. I knew I needed to support my goals and dreams of becoming a scream actress. And, like, literally, the first time I was ever driving to L. A. I'm, like, listening to Rihanna full blast. And then I got pulled over because I saw sirens behind me. So I, like, pulled over, and then, like, I've had. I've had handcuffs on me. And it wasn't the last time.

And they showed over for playing Rihanna at full blast. Was that the story?

[A]

The police officer is like, if I hear one more card playing, shine bright like a diamond, I swear I'm just gonna arrest them.

He's like, the song is overplayed. Okay. I don't care if Sia wrote it.

[B]

Where are you now?

What's that song.

[A]

Now? We'll know if Rihanna listens to the podcast. She'll be like, how dare you?

I secretly dream that she listens to our podcast, but I know she definitely doesn't. I just want to be like, Heather Gay and have Rihanna in our dms. So what I also liked is when Audrey's telling the story about how, um, she was. She was, you know, driving to LA to start her life at SIR. The picture was from 2023. I was like, really? This really is a momentous year.

[B]

That's all they talk about is your 2023 on this show. It's when everything happened. It's like they're talking back to the Stone ages. They're like, 20. I know when the Declaration of Independence was signed 2023.

[A]

Expect, like, the black monolith from 2001 to be there, and you just see, like, a server throwing a pumptini glass in the sky, and it comes back down. It's just a little pumptini, though. It doesn't advance the timeline.

[B]

So Audrey likes Chris. They're, like, flirting a little bit, and someone. And then we go to Venus at a table, and someone's like, oh, I love your necklace. And he's like, oh, thank you. It's Moldavite. Yeah. I got it from having a dream. And this is probably the only crystal I've ever experienced that actually had effects on my life. Okay, you know, I don't need that. You know, it's like when a customer said. When you say, hey, how you doing? And the customer goes, good, how are you? They don't really care, dude. Okay, quiet.

[A]

Give me my spouse. Yeah, you. I would have allowed the. It's Moldavite, but after that, like, no more. Don't need to know, like, that you got it from a dream and that it's had side effects on your life.

[B]

What does that mean, that I got it from a dream? You dreamed of Moldavite and then you went and found a Moldavite necklace. What does that mean? I don't understand. You're talking in flakes, sir. Okay, I believe the thing you're saying, and I don't like when someone's like, oh, I'm a manifestation coach. You're waiting on my table. Don't get my. I'm manifesting bread. Make it happen.

[A]

I'm. I'm manifesting the end of this anecdote.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

I'm using the secret to have you be quiet and take my order.

[B]

I'm manifesting the end of your Moldavite story.

[A]

Moldavite is a Rare natural glass that is, it was formed from a meteorite 15 million years ago in what is now the Czech Republic. Wow. I mean. I mean, I know Prague is a popular tourist destination, but wow, I didn't know it's been so popular for 15 million years. Am I right?

[B]

Meteors, Moldavite, a high vibration tektite from a meteorite impact, is believed to cause intense personal transformation, spiritual growth, and accelerated evolution by cleaning energy, releasing patterns, and connecting to higher realms. I don't see anywhere in this description that says moisturizes hair. Okay, change your stone.

[A]

He's like, I had this crazy thing. I just have. I have this Moldavite necklace, and now all of a sudden, I can speak Czech. It's the craziest thing.

[B]

And then at another table, Jason's like, here, follow my Instagram. Jesus Christ, is anybody going to work you telling your customers to follow your Instagram? How dare.

The guest is like, I'll follow you right now.

[A]

I'm asking AI, I said, what are the top 10 dumbest crystals? And as Moldavite on the lists.

[B]

It is funny, though, because the first time I ever met Tom Sandoval, he. I met him at a bar down the street from my house years ago, pre2023, believe it or not. And he was like, oh, hey, hey, bro, what's up? I was like, nothing. And he's like, follow my Instagram.

[A]

Yeah, dude.

[B]

So it's very Vanderpump rules to be like, hey, follow my Insta, bro.

[A]

Yeah, so Moldavite. Am I right, everyone?

[B]

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Grappens commercial.

[A]

I literally asked AI to come up with the 10 stupidest crystals, and it's actually giving me a list of 10 crystals. It's actually kind of funny.

[B]

Really, like, 10 stupidest crystals.

[A]

Well, at first it was like, well, what do you mean by that? Like, are you talking about their most ridiculous metaphysical properties? And I was like, sure. So now it says. Now it came up. It, like, basically is passing judgment. It's like organite, not technically a crystal, but contains crystal bits in resin. Claims to convert negative orgone energy into positive energy. A concept invented by William Reich that has zero scientific basis. People make pyramids out of this stuff. Yeah, it's heavy.

[B]

Mine says there's no official list of stupidest crystals as it's subjective. But common criticisms in the crystal community involve easily damaged or coated stones like Mystic Topaz, virtually lifeless synthetics like poorly cut spinel, and generally disliked opaque types like some Jasper stones with bad reputations like Opal. While geologically minerals like cinnabar or galena are considered stupidly dangerous.

[A]

Girl.

[B]

There's a crystal that is considered stupidly dangerous called Galena Girl. These crystal people watch. Bravo.

[A]

I mean, AI has. My AI Is being real catty. It's like a zestolite. Literally trademarked by one guy who claims angels told him about it. It's just quartz. But he insists his specific quartz is special peak crystal gift. Whoa. AI and then the next one says citrine, which is heat treated amethyst goes most quote unquote citrine is just baked amethyst, but it's sold as a quote unquote manifestation stone that attracts wealth. The financial irony is Chef's kiss.

[B]

Whoa. Yes. I love AI Love it.

[A]

AI is not playing today. Okay.

[B]

Meanwhile, behind the bar, Natalie is talking about Marcus. Marcus was kicked out of the staff meeting. What does everybody think about it?

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

I was actually shocked to see him get kicked out.

[A]

Can you even believe it? Like, shook shook it. And Demi's like, yeah, that's like, cool and everything, but bar four ordered food and they didn't cover your table, so can you take care of that, please? Thank you very much, Jason.

[B]

So to me.

[A]

So ordering Jason around. And Jason's like, but like, can we get a drink menu? Like, whatever he's just like, well, sorry I did this because, like, you were gone talking to the bar or whatever. So, like, you're really failing your job. You're stupid.

[B]

So he's like, but where's the straws? And Kim's like, over by where the salt is. And he goes, oh, see, that's why I need Marcus. Cuz like, he was feeding me the knowledge. He was feeding you the drink, sir. He fed you no knowledge. That's why you still don't know where straws are.

[A]

Yeah. So Kim tells us. Marcus and I date. Started dating about nine months ago. And we've had like, a lot of ups and downs because Marcus's go to is when we're fighting is saying, like, we're broken up. It's like Ross and Rachel break up. Where you are aren't actually broken up. Like you can't sleep with anybody else. But we're like, broken up and we're not speaking for a few days. Like, it's like one of those things.

[B]

The worst thing to ever happen to pop culture was Friends being re released on Netflix. Why are we still hearing about Friends? I liked it the first time. Didn't you like Friends? You didn't like Friends?

[A]

Nah, not really.

[B]

Oh, my God, I watched every episode. I was so invested. I was like, ross, Ross is such a prig. But, oh, my God, they deserve each other. Oh, they get back together, but they were on a break. I mean, I was totally into it the first go round, but the second go round, I'm like, I've already seen it. It's like when someone watches Breaking Bad too late. You're like, yeah.

[A]

Called Broken Bad at this point.

[B]

Yeah. Or like Game of Thrones. Like, oh, my God, have you heard of Game of Thrones? Who do you think's gonna win? Like a girl?

[A]

It is really annoying when people, like, like, have, like, breathless, you know, announcements about, like, oh, my God, I'm like, on season three of Game of Thrones and like, I cannot believe what they just did. Like, yeah, well, we all watched it. And I say this to someone who watched it late also. But anyway, I agree, like, the last thing I need is some. This is how, you know, you're basic is if you're comparing yourself to Ross and Rachel.

[B]

Yeah, true.

[A]

That's how, like, at least, like, up your game. Why don't you say, like, Niles and Daphne? Just try it. Try it out.

[B]

Yeah, so she's like, so. I mean, we can be broken up, but I still can't have sex with anybody else. But, I mean, it's like the dumbest Ross and Rachel breakup. So to me is like, if I had a dollar every time Marcus and Kim broke up, I would not need to work at her anymore.

[A]

I thought she was going to go someplace more inventive than that. But I have to remember, it's Vanderpump rules. I just play along at this point. Like, this time it's serious. Like, they are for sure broken up. Like, yes, you are. Good for you. Oh, no, that's so sa. I'm bored. I'm dummy.

[B]

So back with Jason and Kim, she's like, you're actually gonna learn how to be trained properly without him. I mean, I didn't say that, though.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And he's like, well, listen, tell him I said hi. Okay. Would you text him for me? Just tell him I miss him.

Jason's so cute. I just want to hug him.

[A]

I love his, like, 2005, like, emo hair that he has. It's like he's. Someday he's gonna be, you know, like in 10 seconds to midnight or whatever that band was or Car Dashboard Confessional or, you know, what was the name of the. Nevermind.

Who's that guy? Who's that awful guy that was on the Hills?

[B]

Just kidding. I know none of your music. I know none of your music, sir.

[A]

The guy with the spiky hair, he was a musician. Come on, we could do this one.

[B]

Jason. Sting. Jason. Jason Alexander.

[A]

He was Jason. He had that song that was called on the Way Down.

[B]

Bob Barker.

[A]

Bob Barker. You know.

[B]

Bob Costas.

[A]

Ryan Cabrera, Dolly Part.

He's like an aspiring Ryan Cabrera.

[B]

So now we see Marcus and his brother Aaron arrive at All Season Brewing. So we don't shut down for the winter. This is all Season Brewing, bro.

[A]

This. This brewery is the post office of brewing. It doesn't care if there's snow or Thunder or like 65 degrees in LA. We are gonna brew for you.

[B]

So he's like, cheers to a better day than yesterday. Am I right? So he talks about growing up in Indiana. Him and Aaron were like two peas in a pod. Aaron was always the well behaved older brother, and I was just a psychomaniac younger brother.

[A]

That doesn't sound like two good peas in a pod.

[B]

That's not two piece in a pot.

[A]

That's not a functional pod. I'm sorry. The two peas in a pod means you're both, like, both cray cray or you're both, like, really lovely and sweet. But, like, if they're two different peas, you're in different pods. I apologize, but that's the reality.

[B]

Isn't that why it's nice watching Vanderpump Rules with a new cast? Because you can still explain things like pee in a pod. Like, it's new to somebody, Somebody, you know. You can be like, oh, come over here, kid. Let me tell you what two piece in a pod really means.

[A]

Marcus says he looked different than everybody in his neighborhood because his mom's Italian and his dad's black, and they were the only mixed family in the neighborhood. And he was also a lot smaller than everyone, so it made him a lot an easy target in a lot of situations. He goes, no joke. Before I was 10 years old, I probably had, like, 50 fights.

So he's like, so older brother. We had a meeting yesterday. Like, Natalie got suspended. Like, well, she was suspended and was, like, the first time we had a meeting since then. So I was thinking I was just gonna, like, watch and never get it. See what everyone get bitched at. But then Lisa comes in, and she's like. She's like Prince. She comes in floating and singing party like it's 1999. And so that was a funny reference. I was like, actually, he does have the ruffles.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Does have the same outfit. Yeah.

[B]

And did you notice in the opening now, the thing she throws? Because you know how she's always throwing something in slow motion? Remember at the time, wasn't it a purse? One time Chef Penny's like, ow. But this time, it was. It's like a pink, like, panther print or cheetah print scarf, and a sister purple.

[A]

If only it were a raspberry beret. But, yeah, she just throws garbage. He just throws garbage in.

[B]

Yeah. I want to see her, like, throw a McDonald's container out the window of her car. It's just, like, slow motion.

[A]

A Mr. Coffee machine. Just throw, like. Throw like. Like Rocio's old, like, alarm clock radio. Like a dream. The Sony dream machine. She's like, there, crash against the side of the wall.

[B]

Out. She just throws jiggy Out.

She just throws rescue dogs out of it. Out of the car.

[A]

She's just throwing, like, free merch she got from Peacock. They're like, welcome back to the Peacock family. Lisa. That's like a cutting board. She just throws it. No.

[B]

So he's like, yeah. I mean. And then she's looking at me, bro, and she's hitting me with the stalest face ever. I hope that I don't. I hope she never hears you call her face stale.

[A]

No, man. Stale means hot in Gen Z talk. Just kidding. Still means still. So he's like, I don't know if real being a rich ass. Real, real.

[B]

Something I need to say all the time. It's like real. Well.

[A]

So real, real.

[B]

You're cooking.

[A]

She's facts, facts, facts. Six, seven, six, seven. Okay. I don't know if she was, like, just being a rich or if I got in trouble. So, like, she's like, Marcus going to the bar and drinking shots. You're scooping sangria, walking around with a coffee cup. I mean, apparently Natalie was looking for something on the. On the security tapes, and I got caught, man.

[B]

Yeah. And his brother's like, that is hilarious. Yeah. I've been a surge just over three years, and Lisa's always busting my balls. For sure. Wink. So then we see one week earlier, we see an example of this. He's serving Lisa and he goes, hey, I know you're waiting for some people. Do you want me to get anything going for you? She goes, I'm not waiting for anybody. Oh, burn. Yes. Bull.

[A]

Buster.

Do you want some English breakfast?

[B]

No.

[A]

Ball buster. Two for two. Two for two.

You want some Earl Grey tea? Earl Grey tea.

[B]

It's wine o'.

[A]

Clock.

[B]

I have an Academy Award here for last name Keaton, first name Buster. Buster.

[A]

Or guess is like, to be honest, everyone does drink at work. I just happen to get caught. So Marcus says, yeah, she sent me a text message.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's why you're in trouble, stupid. That's what happens when people are in jail, too. Everybody does that. It's got caught. Yeah. Cause you're an idiot. Okay? Stop bragging like that.

[A]

Yeah. So he's like, she sent me a text message and she said, marcus, this is Lisa. I. Which, by the way, I love that. That's how like, them trying. Them trying to convince us that, like, Marcus is like a beloved part of the family when this is clearly the first time that Lisa's ever texted him. Because she has to say, marcus, this is Lisa. Marcus, this is Lisa.

[B]

This is written in disappearing text because I'm magic. Now listen here. We're going to have a meeting on Tuesday, okay? Because I know that you're better than this, and I want to see you come through it, because at the end of the day, you've got a wiener. So please, let's work this out. Boys will be boys. And text disappeared, bro. I never saw it again.

[A]

Yeah, it turned into like a handkerchief in my hands. The entire phone did. It was crazy. So obviously I'M nervous about what she's gonna say or if I'm gonna get in trouble. But, like, did I. By the way, did I tell you about the night before that much at Belmont? Kimberly was getting into it with Natalie about whether or not me and Natalie are really friends, and we're like brother and sister. We do have that kind of vibe. And she's like, a little nuts. A crazy little sister. I mean, what's going on, man? Bro, what do I do?

[B]

Aaron's like, that's hilarious. Yeah, but I don't even know that Kimberly knows that. You know, he's like, do you feel like you're not doing a good job of making Kimberly feel secure enough? Whoa. There's, like, why he just considers that.

[A]

Like.

Marcus does, like, the double blink thing. That's. That's my favorite thing that Marcus does, is that he does, like, a heavy double blink stick. Blink, blink, blink, blink. It's like the Teresa Giudice blink. And so, like, when he doesn't. When he's either sad or he doesn't understand something, his. His entire face squishes together. He's like.

You know, because some people, when they blink, they just lower their eyelids, but he moves the entire face in. Into the blink. He, like. It's like, yeah, this could be an assertive blink. And he's just looking at his brother like.

What? It's so adorable.

[B]

He's like, well, I think I'm doing a great job. I mean, we still have sex all the time, so that's great, you know? So at least she knows I'm using her for something. And I am kind of in love with her, you know? But I'd. I'd rather be peaceful and steady than in love, living my life like a goddamn maniac.

[A]

Yeah. Peaceful and steady. So now we go to Venus's place, and Audrey shows up, and Audrey's like, oh, my God, you look so cute. I love this orange moment that you have with this bat. He's like, thank you. I'm going for Justin Bieber. Like, I'm really living for it. This is great. You know, I felt Venus's aura the second I laid my eyes on him and his Moldavite necklace. God, those side effects.

[B]

His aura is so Moldavite. I mean, the second I looked at him, I was like, that guy crashed out of a meteor.

[A]

He looks like he is embedded deep below Prague from a meteor that landed 15 million years ago.

[B]

And he's like, yeah, we have this communication where we're like. We penetrate each other's Eyes. And we know that we have something to focus tell each other. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with her.

[A]

You are me. I am you. We are one, like, obsessed. Our auras are obsessed. Oh, my God, I'm so excited to do our manifestation, Venus.

[B]

Okay, what look am I giving you right now?

[A]

Moldavite.

[B]

Look.

[A]

No, no, no, no look.

[B]

No.

[A]

Were you crimping your moldivite?

[B]

No.

I have something to tell you.

[A]

Oh, my God. Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.

[B]

Whatever. We'll work on it later.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

So now we go to Venus's. There's a little sir candle burning, which I love. She's like, oh, my God, I'm so excited to do manifestation with you. And he's like, yeah, I stole this candle from sir. I just manifested a sir candle in my house and now I got it. Okay, listen, Manifestation is complex as fuck, okay? But I'm going to break it down into eastern.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. I'm ready. My body is ready for the. For digestible manifestation. So Venus is like, Audrey reminds me of home. We're both from Texas, and she has that sweet Southern charm. And she's like, yeah. And we're both single, which is so Texas. And so, like, when Venus told me that he was a manifestation coach, I was kind of like. I kind of, like, creamed my pants. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, if you're straight, I would jump on you. Can you manifest turning straight again, please?

[B]

Manifestation coats makes you cream your pants, girl. There are no man. It's like life coaches who have, like, loser lives, you know? Like, why do I. Why am I going to listen to you, Manifestation coach? Get a job. Okay? I mean, Jesus. Although I will say in his defense, he is on tv, so that's pretty good for moving here so young and, like, just getting a job at SIR and getting on the next cast. I mean, you know, maybe he's got something there.

[A]

You know what Venus tells us where I grew up. You're from Texas, so you get it. I grew up in a small. In a small town. And, like, we didn't have a red light. I was gay, so I wanted to go to the red light district. I didn't even know what that was. I was like, what's the red light district? Do we just go to Target, buy a red light? I had no frame of context. We had no red light. And I had, like, to pretend to be someone that I wasn't to fit in. Like, someone who loved driving through an intersection that Just had a stop sign and I was like, give me a traffic light, damn it. That's what I felt on the inside. By the way, I stumbled on this book. It's this crazy old book from ancient Times, from before 2023. It's called the Secret. Have you heard of it?

[B]

The Secret? Girl, please. Who's still talking about the Secret. Yes, I've heard of the Secret. It's how I get parking spaces. And I still use it to this day for that, but I think that's pretty much all it's good for.

[A]

It's like, this was amazing. The Secret is like the biggest thing. Like, everyone talks about. The Secret. The Secret, the Secret, the Secret. And I just assume it just was still, like one of those things that just. With us, it's out there. And he says, first of all, he's like, I stumbled upon this book called the Secret, which I'm like, you stumble. He's literally acting like he just like he was Indiana Jonesing it. And he went into, like, a cavern and he picked up the book and a boulder came chasing him out of there. He's like, I found this crazy book. And she's like, I've never heard of it. I was like, what? Like, that's when I felt old. That this. That's when zeit. Well.

Within this commercial break the segment. And this zeitgeisty new age thing to them is like this. They don't even know.

[B]

It's like an old text. It's like B. B 2023. I mean, it's like.

[A]

It's like old.

[B]

It's like Methuselah.

[A]

It's like when you find out what people were doing in 1921 to, like, improve their bodies, they're like, well, we must go to the shoal because the sea air, the salt air will protect your lungs.

[B]

And you're like, that's actually why I did that water fast for 43 days, because I read about it in a book from, like, 1920. Well, I saw it on YouTube and then I looked at. I looked up books and I read. I read a book from, like, 1920 about how the water fast heals everything. And I did it for 43 days. Guess what was healed. Nothing. Okay. Certainly not my eating disorder, that's for sure. The Secret. Let's see. Secret publish date. Let's see, when this was 2006. Yeah, I was going to say 20 years ago. That's crazy. So he was like, yeah, the Secret. And listen, this is coming from someone who shouldn't even be Here right now. I mean, not only did I grow up gay, but I grew up in a town with so many car crashes.

[A]

It's a miracle I survived that intersection.

[B]

He's like, okay, so it's this book that tells you about how your thoughts create your reality. And that book basically, like, opens the door to how our life is, like, merely a projection of stepping stones to always being at the highest timeline. Your brain is, like, recording this information. Like, there's such a magical abundance. Neuroscience, quantum physics, epigenetics, biocentrism, Peaches. The language of your subconscious mind and what physical reality even is, okay?

[A]

And it keeps. Keeps cutting to her, and her mind is blown. She's like, oh. I'm like, girl, the secret. Okay, that's nice and everything. Here's what the secret is. I really hope my postmates comes five minutes earlier. Get here earlier. Get here earlier. Get here earlier.

[B]

No, that's the way. The secret. The secret is saying I deserve my postmates to get here early. And I know it's going to come early because that's just how it is. That's like you accept it like it's fact, and then, boom, you manifested it. It gets there a little early, right? Even if. Even if it gets there five minutes late, you're like, well, it could have been 15 minutes late. Yeah. Secreted that.

[A]

But the point is that all this talk about, you know, abundant neuroscience and quantum physics and epigenetics and biocentricism, it's really just used for, like, little everyday tasks.

[B]

Like, peach is the language of your subconscious mind. Girl, peach is the way that you're really gonna make money in this town. Now open it up and get to work.

[A]

There will be chicken thighs at the supermarket tonight. There will be chicken thighs.

[B]

Yeah, nailed that one.

[A]

Thank God for epigenetics. So she's loving it.

[B]

Sabina says, I love bicentrism. Like, I have a really open mind. Yeah, commercials.

[A]

Here comes one right now.

It's like, okay, so let's talk about relationships. Okay? She's like, all right, well, I got out of a relationship in October. That was when I was arrested for singing Rihanna too loudly on the highway. And he just couldn't be with me after that. So it's just been, like, you know, eight months. And, you know, it's been a while. You know, I've dated women. I've dated men. I've just. Just did everything, really. He's like, you're bisexual?

Yes, you can call it that, I guess.

[B]

She's like, okay, let me stop my Dating set. Oh, sorry, Ben. Go ahead.

[A]

I was gonna say I'm like, rise sexual, as in Rihanna. Can I call? Is that a stretch? Can I do that? No.

[B]

I like to think of myself as a bicentrist. So let me tell you my dating history. So I dated a girl for four years when I was in high school. Then we broke up. Then I started dating only men. Like, usually girls date men. They get traumatized and start dating women. But I did the opposite. I'm such a romantic. I love falling in love. Even though it hurts like a when it doesn't work, I love it. I love love.

[A]

Wait, so you're telling me that you, before you turned 22, you dated a girl for a period of time and then went to dating guys for the rest of your life? I've never heard of that before.

[B]

That is crazy.

[A]

That's crazy. Girls never do that.

[B]

A dip in the lady pond.

So then they're back on the couch and Venus is like, oh, my God. The power of believe is enough alone to get you what you want. Just believe.

[A]

And a little delusion too. Am I right?

[B]

He's like, yeah, delusion got me everything. I mean, the only person that can make something happen is you.

[A]

I love this manifestation. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. I feel like I've just manifested something. Oh, my God. What have I manifested was. Oh, my God. Is it that? Look, there's flowers in the charcuterie. I manifested that. You really do know what you're doing.

[B]

So he's like, do you like this spread? And he does have a full charcuterie, which is pretty impressive for.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know. Like a waiter. Yeah.

[A]

When I say server. S U R V E R. Yeah. And he's. And he's like, by the way, I'm like, so excited for your birthday. Are you an Aries? She's like, I am.

So you got a little feistiness in you, don't you? Oh, my God. I manifested your Aries sign. I totally made that happen because your birthday used to be a different time, and I just changed it right now. Oh, my God. Such good manifestation.

[B]

Really want to invite everyone to my party. And he's like, I love that. I love this. I love it. I just cannot stop concentrating on the charcuterie. It's making me crazy. Why are you spending money on that? Get some white rain and steal some food from work. That's what all my charcuterie were when I was waiting tables. I was like, hey, everybody, here's some half eaten chicken and Some focaccia bread and some loose green tea I stole on the way out of work.

[A]

So Audrey goes, I'm so excited for the party. But, like, I'm also like, everyone hates me right now. I'm like, are you in any storylines? I don't think so, but I like, I love when someone does that just to insert themselves in the drama. Oh, my God. Like, people are so angry at me right now. Like, the number of feuds I'm in. It's crazy. They're like, who are you again?

[B]

I know.

[A]

I'm wondering if Rihanna.

[B]

I'm wondering if they were shooting a long time before they actually started keeping footage, because everybody does seem kind of comfortable in front of the cameras, and they do have stuff kind of already going on amongst themselves. So I'm wondering if they were just like, all right, well, we'll just try this and just keep shooting until something happens, right?

[A]

So Venus is like, well, either way, we're gonna have a good ass time. And I don't give a about anyone else.

[B]

Spoken like a true manifester.

That's how you get everything. And she's like, have you talked to Marcus since yesterday after the staff meeting after he got kicked out? He's like, yeah, he texted me and he was like, I'm sad and I'm scared. Lol. Yeah. But at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. And that's all you can say for the life of the me's. And he has an actual issue with drinking, and he does it at work all the time. So this is, like a good, a great time for him to, like, be held accountable. And I do love Marcus, but if they were to actually, like, look at all the cameras and look back, he would be fired. And that's it. Oh, my God. Why do I have hair all over my couch? Stop flicking your hair.

[A]

I know.

[B]

God. Just to give him some bands.

[A]

It's the Moldavite speaking. It's not me. So now sir is taking. I mean, Lisa's at Sir taking photos with fans, and Natalie and Audrey and Kim and Demi are working. And we go over to third base where Chris and Jason. It's guys night. They're gonna have a guy's party. Eyebrows are. Are gathering at a sofa. And then Shane Davis.

[B]

It's nice to see the hot cousins make it to third base.

[A]

Shane Davis is here.

And then Marcus shows up. Marcus is like, I'm not a friendly guy. So when Chris and Jason first got to sir, they found a way to soften me up, which is to compliment me. They're like, look at this handsome. And I was like, all right, you got a friend.

[B]

And you know, they all love him, too, because he's always trying to do crazy, man. Me and him vibe over that because we're like, shots. Like, both of us, like, love shots. Like, when we go places, we're like, shots, shots. You're crazy. No, you're crazy. You handsome. No, you're crazy. Get your dick in my mouth. No.

Nuts. It is nuts.

[A]

So they're doing shots, and Chris is like, I can hang with anybody. And I feel like Marcus is probably the only one that can hang with me, you know? It's hard. It's hard to hang with someone who could possibly be in a live action version of Tangled someday.

[B]

He's like, we stopped and done proper shots.

[A]

Bro.

[B]

Are you suspended, Marcus, are you suspended, bro? You suspended, bro? Tell daddy the truth. You suspended? Tell Shane Davis the truth.

[A]

He's like, yeah, I gotta meet with Lisa on Tuesday. And then Venus joins, and they're like, oh, my God, Venus, you look so fab. Like, you're making us look bad. Looking fresh over here. Venus is like, huh? I dress like this just to go down to the store. Yeah. I dress up when I'm at home, when I'm out of the streets, when I'm at the club, when I'm at the laundromat. The only time I don't dress up is when I file my taxes because the patriarchy doesn't deserve me at my best.

Okay?

[B]

Like, a pink suit from the 70s.

[A]

It's so funny.

[B]

So you don't pay your taxes? Like, who are we kidding? So back at the table, they order some drinks, and Shane Davis gets a mojito mocktail. You guys. Because I'm sober. But guess what? Guess what? I'm not off of poo. Say. Say Shane Davis, baby.

Yeah, man.

[A]

So Venus is talking about the drinking because they're asking like, hey, how's Kim? How are you and Kim? Which I guarantee no one cares about that, But a producer was like, one of you guys has to ask Marcus about Kim. So Venus is like, if both of them are drinking, they're two completely different people. It's like before Moldavite. After Moldavite. Am I right, guys? Marcus is like, yeah, I'll be like, an average bastard and do, like, average. But then when she gets to her point, it's like.

Crazy lady.

[B]

Yeah. There's no stopping Kim. They're like, well, wait, but how long have you guys been talking to each other? Yeah, well, we've been like, officially together for 10 months. Coming up soon. Like, it's big. Like, that's a lot longer than it would have been before 2023.

[A]

Oh, damn. Yeah. Kimberly has a huge heart. I love how much she loves her family, how mean she is to other guys. She's just an east coast who says what's on her mind. But when me and Kimberly fight, I would say that, like, she's a lot like a werewolf. You know, when the sun goes down and the moon comes out, she turns into the Michael Jackson video, You know, Thriller. Ever heard of Thriller? It's crazy. Crazy. God, that Kimberly. She's a wild woman.

[B]

So they're like, are the girls having a girls night? And Marcus is like, huh? They're working like, yeah, bro. We're bro.

[A]

You got Shane Davis.

[B]

So back at Sir, Kim's on the patio and she's cold, guys, and she can't believe that they still have to wear these dresses in the winter. And Audrey's like, I know my nipple piercings are, like frozen into my nipples right now. They're like, never gonna come out.

[A]

It's 67 degrees out, by the way. So Kim is like, oh, my God, the way that you're pressing yourself against the heater. That's what I do all the time. Because Kim is still working hard on trying to not sound totally scripted all the time. So Audrey's like, I'm not going to be able to take them out later. So now Demi's talking to Guillermo. She's having an issue with Natalie. Even though they seem to have last episode, they seem to be besties. And she was visiting Natalie at the recording studio. Now they're having an issue again pertaining to Paolo, the elusive Paolo, who was not at the Monday night event. But the issue is, in case you forgot, that Natalie freaked out on her off night and was yelling at Paolo in the middle of the restaurant and.

[B]

To me is the assistant manager, so she has to make her sign HR forms. Holy rollers boy, but we'll be boys. So she's like, okay, well, Natalie basically got kicked out of SIR the other night by Guillermo because she was wasted at the bar, standing across from Paolo, her ex boyfriend. She was making a huge SC Etc. So I have to write them up. And in this case, she deserves it. So I'm actually looking forward to it.

[A]

So we go back to third base and Marcus is like, hey, I got a question for you guys. What was like, you're coming in and meeting everybody. Be totally honest. Tell us you're the new. You're the eyebrow twins. Or cousins, I should say. What did you think about everyone? And Jason's like, well, you were the first one that said, what's up to me? And I was like, what a handsome guy. He is the best. I love that guy, dog. He's always been wonderful. And then I was like, yeah, that kid's cool as fuck. And then you look me in the fucking eyes, and I was like, okay, I'll blow him. They always said, this is what you got to do in Hollywood. And I'm ready.

[B]

Whoa. Bonetown. All right, guys. I like that Marcus's story is like, yeah, it's really hard to get to know me and. But these guys were cool, so I let him in, and they're like, you were so friendly. You were the only friendly person.

You wouldn't stop following me around, looking me in the eyes. I thought, if I piss, is this guy gonna try to blow me? Oh, God, it's. It's good to know.

[A]

Yeah, it is good. I do love. He does keep on trying to, like, paint himself as the bad boy because he's like, I mean, my brother was a goody two shoes, and I was the maniac growing up. They're like, oh, God, there's Marcus. I love the way he would just, you know, trim our. Trim our. Our hedges and mow our lawn just for free. God, what a sweet kid.

[B]

I got so many A's on my report card. People were like, that guy is an. Am I right?

[A]

I got. I was in 50 fights, but by the time I was 13, and by fights, I mean hugs. Ah, so many hugs. Everyone just loved hugging me. It's like a fight just to get out of those arms.

[B]

And Venus is like, well, I always make eye contact because I, like, feel like the eyes are like the windows to the soul. So if I want to know who you are, I'm gonna look you in the face.

[A]

I love that Venus acts like eyes are the window to the soul. Like, that's like, he came up with that. He's like, I really feel like. Eyes the windows of the soul. Yeah, trademarked. Did that.

[B]

So Jason's like, wait, are you bi or gay? And he's like, 100 gay. I could never eat a pousse. Never won't touch it. Disgusting.

[A]

Shane's just cracking up in the corner. Hello, world.

[B]

Funny, guys. Yeah. He's never even kissed a girl. Guys, seriously, a gay man. Okay, tell me as a gay man, when you think of vagina, is it like, ew, is that what you're thinking, he's like.

[A]

I think of like, a vagina is like, you know, an alien versus predator. And like, that's like. It's just like.

You know, it's like that.

[B]

Oh, gosh. So, Jay, I just. You know what? Why can't you just say thank you? Thank you, exit. You know what I mean?

Just be appreciative, you know, Came out of one, you know. Well, I mean, I guess there's the circ. Not circumcision. What do you call it when they cut it out of you?

I was gonna say circumcision.

[A]

I was gonna say, look, when I get off a plane, I don't stop and, like, give, like, a moment of thanks to the Jetway. I'm just. I'm going forward. So Jason is like. He's like, oh, my God. That's what I was thinking. Oh, my God. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. So then Marcus is like, yeah. So what about you guys? Chris is like, well, I'm not gonna lie. Audrey's cool as. But I'm 31, man. I don't know if I can be dating someone who's younger than me because I'm at a ripe old age. I'm at the time where I'm no longer suitable to be playing the guy from Tangled. It's time. I'm playing one of the burglars from 101 Dalmatians. You know, I'm growing up, man. That's what I'm trying to say.

[B]

It's true, though. I mean, I know to US it's like, W. 31, you're still a baby. But 31 in LA is like, okay, well.

Have fun in retirement.

It's the time where you're like, okay, well, I guess I'm going home. So this is pretty much done. Hope my parents haven't turned my room into a personal gym. That would suck.

[A]

Hey, guys, Shane Davis talking here. I hung out with Audrey last night, and she feels a lot more mature than 21.

[B]

Spoken like every aging guy guy that dates a 20 year old in LA. But she's so mature. She is so mature, you guys. She got arrested for blasting Rihanna. I mean.

[A]

Maturity incarnate.

[B]

So Chris is like, yeah, I was gonna say, I think she's more mature than most of the girls. Am I right? And Chris says, yeah, the last girl I dated, we were talking for like three weeks. Like, maybe a month. Well, I don't know. A month?

[A]

Ish.

[B]

Jose. And she would like, yeah. And she loved me on the Third week and she like keeps making out with like a dude right in front of me at the same bar we were at. And like, Audrey does not strike me as a typical LA girl because she's like, spicy, but she's also innocent and sweet. And that's so hard to find out here in la. You know what I want? I just want an innocent, sweet young person who wants to date an old man. I mean, that's it.

[A]

Yeah, I really like Audrey. She's not like all those other LA girls. She's, you know, fit and blonde and believes in things like manifestation and doesn't know a lot of things. She's a real unicorn.

[B]

So then Venus is like, yeah, well, when she came over the other night, she's like, my birthday is Tuesday and everyone's invited. So I'm like, all right, let's fucking go. I'm ready.

[A]

Thanks for. Thanks for sharing that unique emotional experience you had when she said, do you want to come to my birthday party? And you said, sure.

[B]

Like telling somebody off. He's like, oh, yeah. Well, let me tell you something. She came up to me and she was like, do you want to come to my birthday? And I was like, yeah.

[A]

Cheers to boys night, boys. And they do shots and our eagle eyed note taker noticed that they were taking swig out of an 818tequila bottle.

[B]

Yeah.

So then we go back to sir and Demi finally finds Natalie and she's like, where have you been? Hi. What? You've been gone for like an hour. I've not been gone for an hour. What? What?

[A]

A long time.

[B]

No, I haven't.

[A]

A long time.

[B]

No, but I haven't.

I told search I was going. There's like, there were no tickets, so. So I went.

[A]

No one names. There's no one named Surge who works here.

[B]

Yes, there is. No, you've been here for an hour.

[A]

And a half now. You've been.

Three hours. You've been gone.

[B]

No, I've not been gone for three hours. No, I'm not. No.

[A]

Sign this.

[B]

No, I'm not going to.

[A]

You know what?

[B]

I don't want you telling me so. You know what?

[A]

You're so famous.

[B]

No, I'm super confused. Like, you know what? If you want me to sign it, then Guillermo can have me sign it because I'm not going to sign it for you.

[A]

Even though that Demi is her manager. Natalie's like, I'm super confused. Demi is on my ass and Kim won't even make eye contact with me. Oh my God. Like, excuse me, Demi, like Don't tell me I've been gone for an hour when I've not been gone for an hour.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you have. So, like, can you sign this, please? And by the way, the chiron just said that you've been gone for 27 minutes, which is basically an hour, because if you guys are 27 minutes late, you're an hour early. I forgot the saying, but whatever. You know what I mean? You were gone 12 hours.

[A]

In for a dollar, out for a pound. Is that where you're trying? Or in for. In for a bush and out for a partridge. What is it? Like, you guys are acting like I your dad, but really I'm not gonna be your stepmom. Like, I'm just your co worker, guys.

[B]

So Demi's like, guillermo, she wants you to be the one to give it to her. She won't take it for me. She's like, yeah, because, like, I just want to communicate it with you because she's, like, yelling at me, and I'm not okay with that. That.

[A]

I'm not yelling. Okay. I literally.

[B]

Yeah, you are. Yeah, you are. You're yelling right now.

[A]

I'm just, like, showing that I have absolute disdain for you, and I think you're disgusting.

[B]

And Guillermo's like, well, you understand. She's the manager, so she kind of has to do this.

[A]

Yeah, of course I understand.

[B]

I mean, fine. Yeah. Yeah. I get.

[A]

Just feels like my little family has abandoned me. Okay? Me, Kim, and Demi, we had a routine, okay? After work, we're always doing something, whether it was, like, going home and, like, drinking wine or, like, going to Tom Tom or, like, praying around. We ho. Like, everything was fine until I got suspended, and now, like, my little family is just, like, broken up.

[B]

Lisa's very smart how she opens all those restaurants right next to each other. So the people off shift from the other go pour money that they made from that one into the other one. It was very smart.

[A]

Yeah. I heard TomTom is pretty empty these days, which is very sad to hear, you know?

[B]

Yeah, I told you. I went there. I went there a couple months ago just because I was in the neighborhood and had to meet somebody. So I was like, oh, let's go to TomTom. I haven't been there. It was crazy. It was very, like. I was like, is everybody in here from Jersey? Like, at 10, some people came, but I was like, who are these people? What's happened to this neighborhood?

Are these people even. Who are they? I don't know where they came from. It's like, they were Bussed in from someplace else.

[A]

Oh, sad.

[B]

And they've added a lot of the Philips hue lights everywhere. Tom Tom didn't used to have that right where it was like. No, it's like, ooh. Now the lighting is all green and red. It's weird. I didn't get it.

[A]

Yeah, that's weird.

[B]

So.

[A]

So now Natalie signs her papers because Guillermo's there. And then she walks away. She's like, I can't do this. I'm literally about to blow up. I'm about to blow up. And Demi's like, natalie, I went to you and I said you were gone for an hour because you were. I was not gone for an hour. Okay, but like, please do your report and clock, clock. You have to clock out. Okay. I'd be happy to get out of here. I don't want this anymore. I'm gone. I was gone for an hour. Anyway.

[B]

So now Natalie and Audrey are taking a walk to the Hollywood sign with her dogs. And Natalie's like, oh, my God, this is what I used to dream of doing when I moved here one day. Look, here we are. It's the Hollywood sign.

[A]

Oh, now we like our. We're like totally, like, living our dreams right now. Right?

This show's so cute.

[B]

I can't.

[A]

We go over to Chris's apartment. So cute.

[B]

And then going to that dog park and be like, oh, my God, you can see the Hollywood sign. And I just stepped in. This is great.

[A]

This is. We're living the dream. We're living the dream because we're like in the presence of the Hollywood sign. So Chris is. He's FaceTimes his dad, Paul. So Chris is like, hey, what's going on with you? How's your trip? And Paul's like, it was nice. You know, I had weather of all extremes. I had 85 on Sunday. I had rain on Monday. See, all these years where your dad watches the weather channel pays off for me. Ah, right, right.

[B]

I watch the weather channel so much. I can understand that. Weather changes now. Isn't that crazy? He's like, yeah, dad, you definitely sound like a meteorologist.

[A]

I'm really close with my dad. I call him like every day. Like growing up as a New Jersey Italian, I'm very family oriented person. I have like a hundred cousins and obviously my cousin Jason. There's like six Tonys and four Anthony's and three Dinos. And everybody's like, hey, how you doing, cuz? Cuz Guzzo, how you doing, Guzzle Guzzle. Hey, you know, if they want to Do a reboot of the Sopranos. I'm your guy, right? You need a tangled guy in the Sopranos, right?

[B]

You know what they say in Jersey. It's not gay if it's your cousin.

So Paul's like, so, how's it going? Do you remember how to make more than six drinks? And do you want to stand when it's raining outside? He's like, yeah, dad, yeah. Most of the cocktails are, like, tailored around drinks I've made before. Like, you know, vodka was stuff in it. Or like, I don't know, like vodka was stuff in it. So it's just kind of muscle memory. Yeah, you know, like the poor stuff. So that's cool. But Lisa thinks I'm doing a great job because we had a staff meeting and some people got in trouble. But she just said, wow. And then she touched my eyebrows and said, are those real? It was cool. It was pretty cool. I basically made it.

[A]

Yeah. And by the way, Jason actually got in trouble a bit. So then we see that Jason did get in trouble. Lisa's like, and you are not training under the guidance of Marcus to get Shut our face every night. Do we understand each other, Mr. Little Eyebrows?

[B]

Well, you know, that's Jason's middle name is trouble. Everything else, go to what? Have you been surfing at all? I hope you've been surfing.

[A]

Yeah, dad, I've been surfing a decent amount. I actually bought two new boards, so I spent a little bit of money, but I needed them.

[B]

Yeah, well, you'll figure out what, you know, you really like to do in your life. You know, no matter what it costs, you treat yourself. New golf clubs, new surfboards. Do whatever you enjoy. Spend your money on hobbies. Life is too short. One minute it's sunny, the next minute it's raining. Sometimes it snows. What can you do?

[A]

Oh, my God, you really are a weatherman. You know, my dad never really wanted me to move to California. He's like, it's always the same weather. What's even the point? But he knew it would make me happy, so that made him happy. And I think that if I still lived in Jersey, I'd probably just have a 9 to 5. I probably have a girlfriend. I probably have kids. I'd probably be actually a very happy person with a stable income and experiencing different types of weathers. But I know what it's like to be a big actor. I want to know.

[B]

I want.

[A]

I want to know. I really want a model. I want a model for John Varvatos. I'm wearing John Barbados right now. Chasing that life would be everything that I want. I'd rather do that than bail and settle in Jersey every episode.

[B]

Isn't John Varvatos a hair thing?

[A]

No, John Barbados is.

[B]

I just looked it up. It's very glittery and furry. I just love those Men Templeton leopard effect, faux fur top coat.

[A]

All right.

I. I just love that this guy comes on to every episode and pitches himself for a new role. Last week it was like I could be in live action. Tangled. Hey, John Barbados. Call me. I'm. I'm. I don't know about you guys, but I think Wiznos is coming back and they're gonna need someone in their commercials. So give me a call. Yeah.

[B]

He's like, I'd rather do that and fail than just settle in Jersey without even trying. Which. God bless you. Listen, as long as your ankles are behind your head, I believe in you, okay? Only fans keep it up. So Paul's like, are you seeing anybody? I am. Rain? No, dad. Well, I did go on a few dates in the past month, but you know how picky I am. He's like, I know you. One of their toes could be longer than the other toes and you're dumping them. Kyle, you find the stupidest things to get mad about.

[A]

God, I know I'm into weather, but I didn't realize that would cause me to have a fair weather son. See what I did there, son? It's like, I don't get it. That's. But yeah, I mean, I'm older now. I don't look at that stuff as much. Toes. That's for the 29 year old me. The me that was from 2023. It's mainly just about our vibe, our personality, our chemistry. Personality is big though, because you know what? Obviously we all grow old and we're all going to be ugly one day. For me, It'll be about 30 years from now. So I think the personality is the number one thing that I look for. Of course, after the big tits.

[B]

But yeah. Oh yeah, you're all personality. Can't wait to see who you date for their personality next, I'm sure.

[A]

Yep, we'll keep an eye out for that.

[B]

Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two part recap for part two. Go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers.

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