#3124 Southern Charm S11E05 Part One: Pool Intentions

Summary

Podcast Summary: Watch What Crappens #3124 — Southern Charm S11E05 Part One: Pool Intentions

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: December 18, 2025
Episode Focus: A hilarious, sharp recap and roast of Southern Charm, Season 11, Episode 5 (“Loose Lips and Deep Deep Rifts”), with detours into Bravo gossip, gay pop culture, and personal stories.

---

Overview

Ben and Ronnie dive into everything from farm weeds and Southern home quirks to Bravo’s relationship drama and their passionate takes on heated gay rivalries. They praise, mock, and lovingly eviscerate Southern Charm’s latest episode, all the while weaving in memorable recaps, personal anecdotes, and offbeat tangents. The tone is signature Crappens—comedic, gossipy, and a little unhinged.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Weed Wars & Plant Struggles

• Molly’s gardening woes spark a nostalgic riff about weeds and childhood punishments.
• Ronnie: “Weeds are vindictive and they’re mean. I used to have to pick weeds whenever I was grounded when I was young, which was, like, all the time.” [03:10]
• The hosts ponder why weeds can’t just be pretty and productive, with Ben lamenting, “If weeds were prettier, they’d be wonderful.” [03:46]

2. Bravo Occupational Hazards:

• Sally is doing “doctory things” and circling spines, which distracts Ben and Ronnie into a sidebar about how spines and posture are “so in right now.”
• Ben: “I went to occupational therapy yesterday…I was like, spines are in right now, so I wanna work on mine.” [05:36]
• Brief digression to coffee mugs and secretary humor—riffing on the “just saying” type and quirky office culture.

3. Patricia & Randy the Butler—Martini Time Mayhem

• Patricia’s hatred for Randy prompts emergency gong use, leading to a farcical bit about tasks and mistaken candles.
• Ronnie (as Patricia): “I got the gong so I wouldn’t have to listen to your voice. The gong’s for you, not you.” [08:04]
• Amusing speculation about butler training manuals and Michael’s legacy.
• Butler gone slightly pyromaniac: “Do not scream on the gong, Randy. On the gong.” [09:54]
• Patricia’s martini glass filled with ice sparks debate over summer drinking habits. [10:11]

4. Pregnancy Humor & Sex in Hot Tubs

• Madison arrives, provoking a round of “mom shade” from Patricia about maternity fashion and labor horror stories.
• Patricia: “The worst part of being pregnant is giving birth. My labor was literally two days without an epidural. Or a martini.” [11:45]
• The gloriously uncivilized realities of hot tub hookups—“East infection central,” says Ben. [14:11]

5. Gay Pop Culture Detour: 'Heated Rivalry' Breakdown

• Both hosts coincidentally watched the same steamy gay show the night before, prompting discussion about pacing and gay tropes in TV.
• Ronnie: “I only turned it off because I was really stoned and felt I needed to be completely present.” [15:06]
• Ben wants more build-up, Ronnie loves the soapy intensity and “steamy, stupid soap opera, but for gays.” Repeated callbacks to the drama of hookups versus relationships.
• Memorable Quote:
  • Ben: “You need to tease it out. You need to make us be like, 'Oh my God, the tension, the sexual tension!'” [17:58]
  • Ronnie: “If you build it, they will come—sounds like the perfect gay logline.” [27:21]

6. Craig’s Party Planning—Paige Replacements and Assistant Drama

• Craig is prepping for a Memorial Day pool party, insisting, “I love throwing parties. I was the social chair at my fraternity.” [28:10]
• Ben notices Craig’s assistant, Jack, “looks just like Paige…Paige with a southern haircut and a polo shirt.” [23:15]
• Hilarious speculation about Jack’s inner monologue—“In Jack’s mind, this is ‘Heated Rivalry.’” [23:40]
• Craig wants “the yard to be the host,” which the hosts mock relentlessly.
• Plans for “garden to glass” cocktails and signature slushies—more evidence Craig is lost without Paige. [33:02]
• “Why do people want to pick tomatoes and peppers at your party?” —Ben [32:21]

7. Bravo Flashbacks & Casting Wishes

• Repetitive Paige flashbacks lead the hosts to lobby for more “judgy girls,” suggesting rotating in past cast members for sharper dynamics.
• Age gap commentary: “All the guys have gotten old…it’s not as fun watching young people be like, ‘Oh my God, does he like me?’” [30:47]

8. Vanita & Austin’s Jammy Eggs

• Vanita experiments with “the jammiest egg of her life” while FaceTiming Austin, who’s offscreen and brooding about his latest friendship fracas.
• Extended shade at the cast’s repetitive drama cycles, with Ben remarking: “This is what you guys do to each other, so…what do you want from me?” [38:15]

9. Molly's Singing Aspirations—Family Support, But Not Olivia Newton John

• Molly’s journey toward confronting her fears and trying open mic is laced with dad jokes and musical references.
• Ben: “Her dad is like, ‘I remember the first time I heard you sing solo…Who’s that singing Olivia Newton John?’” [42:27]
• Family dynamics are lampooned, especially dad's earnest encouragement and cheerful confusion.

10. Sally & Charlie: Coffee Cake Diplomacy & Chicken Power Moves

• Sally and Charlie bake “grandma’s coffee cake,” exposing culinary confusion (“How many ounces are in a cup?”) and Bravo’s penchant for trivial roasts. [47:23]
• Sally steers the conversation to getting chickens “with Craig,” which Ben and Ronnie read as a “weird power move” and attempt to out-Paige Paige.
• Essential Crappens wisdom: “Don’t get chickens for a man. That’s a really good piece of advice.” [50:22]
• Sally subtly warns Charlie off Craig, triggering under-the-surface rivalry vibes.
• The saga of the unseen cake: “Chekhov’s cake, but they didn’t do the Chekhov part.” [53:02]

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Quote | Speaker & Context | |-----------|-------|------------------| | 03:10 | “Weeds are vindictive and they’re mean. I used to have to pick weeds whenever I was grounded…” | Ronnie, on childhood punishments | | 08:04 | “I got the gong so I wouldn’t have to listen to your voice. The gong’s for you, not you.” | Ronnie (as Patricia), about Randy | | 14:11 | “Having sex in hot tubs, also, it's not like—east infection central. That's what my friend tells me.” | Ben, on hot tub perils | | 15:06 | “I only turned it [Heated Rivalry] off because I was really stoned and felt I needed to be completely present.” | Ronnie, about watching the show | | 17:58 | “You need to tease it out. You need to make us be like, 'Oh my God, the tension, the sexual tension!'” | Ben, on gay storylines | | 23:15 | “It’s so funny that Craig got an assistant whose face looks just like Paige’s...” | Ben, on Craig's new staffer | | 27:21 | “If you build it, they will come—sounds like the perfect gay logline.” | Ronnie, on Field of Dreams | | 28:10 | “I love throwing parties. I was the social chair of my fraternity.” | Craig (via hosts), mocked by Ben & Ronnie | | 32:21 | “Why do people want to pick tomatoes and peppers at your party?” | Ben, on Craig's "yard as a host" | | 38:15 | “This is what you guys do to each other, so…what do you want from me?” | Ben, on recurring friend drama | | 42:27 | “Who’s that singing, Olivia Newton John?” | Ben (as Molly’s dad), family fluff |

---

Timestamps for Major Segments

• [00:54] – Garden & weed talk; Bash on childhood chores
• [07:48] – Patricia’s martini routine; Randy the butler
• [11:19] – Maternity snark, pregnancy stories
• [14:44] – Hot tub sex debate; 'Heated Rivalry' pop culture sidebar
• [22:17] – Flashbacks to Paige, campaign for more judgy women on the show
• [23:25] – Craig’s party planning; Assistant Jack compared to Paige
• [35:19] – Vanita & Austin FaceTime; “Jammiest egg” riff
• [39:44] – Molly calls parents; family and singing aspirations
• [45:22] – Sally and Charlie bake coffee cake, ounce confusion
• [49:22] – Chicken plans as power move; Sally vs. Charlie for Craig

---

Recurring Jokes & Running Themes

• Bravo Housewives/Bravo Network Satire: Malicious joy over flashbacks and the recycled drama beats.
• Gossip About Past Cast: Who should come back, who’s in jail, who’s canceled.
• Gay TV and Soapiness: Regular detours into pop culture, always from a camp and queer lens.
• Food Confusion: “How many ounces in a cup?” gets dissected, defended, and laughed at.
• Relationship Power Moves: The symbolism of garden produce and farm animals as romantic leverage.
• Life Lessons: "Don’t get chickens for a man."

---

Takeaways for Listeners

If you missed the episode or Southern Charm itself, Ben and Ronnie’s recap will keep you laughing and up-to-date on the latest love triangles, cast shifts, and delicious absurdities. The gossipy, fast-paced banter is loaded with quotable lines and biting observations—not just on TV drama, but on pop culture, queerness, and the art of mixing cake or organizing a barbecue. No plotline or personality escapes their affable but relentless ribbing.

---

End of Part One. For more, tune in to Part Two as they further eviscerate Charleston’s finest and whatever other “crap Bravo throws at us.”

Transcript

[A]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Watch what Crappens ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Watch what Crappins. Watch what Crappins. Guess what happens when there's so much what happens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens?

[B]

Well, hello and welcome to Watch what Crappens. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben.

[A]

Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Oh, great, great. Good to be here.

[B]

Welcome, everybody. It's Southern charm day and guess what? I think my volume's too loud. I'm maxing out. I'm gonna turn it down.

[A]

Turn that. Turn that beat around. And down.

[B]

Yeah, turn the beat around. Guess what? It's almost Christmas. You excited?

[A]

I'm excited. We're get some time off. Hanukkah is in full swing. I'm going to make some latkes tonight. I'm also excited yesterday. Thank you to those who reached out with concern about my coughing yesterday. I just had like, something in me. I was not sick. And our friend Judy sent an article later in the day saying this is why my eyes have been irritated so lately. Apparently there has been. There had been some sort of quote unquote radiation fog that had settled in over Los Angeles, which sounds very scary, but it's like a different meaning of the word radiation. It's like this. The earth is warm and the air is cold and it causes whatever the fog was messing up.

[B]

Radiation then. How about that? Yeah, why don't we not call it radiation? Like, I saw cherry.

[A]

I know. I agree. I think that, like, it's. It's really drama. Whoever named it radiation fog is a bit dramatic, but that would explain why I all of a sudden started coughing like crazy yesterday and why Judy's eyes were messing up or like irritated. And Dom. Dom was sniffling. Everyone was like, you know, awry yesterday. But then everyone's back to normal today.

[B]

So no worries, guys. It was just radiation poisoning. But not the scary kind.

[A]

Just, just like. It's actually like the warm, cuddly radiation, you know, that kind of just makes.

[B]

You cough a little bit when we're making radiation, like drop a little bit. Yeah. Well, radiation aside, everybody, welcome to the show. Monday is our final Amazon Live of the year. It's going to be at 4pm Pacific time over on Amazon Live. You can find the links where you find them all the time over in our link in bio over on Instagram. And that's it for now. We're just ready to jump Right in today. What do you think about it, man?

[A]

I am ready to jump in. I'm ready to jump all the way in.

[B]

Me too. Let's do it. All right, here we are. Southern Charms Season 11 Episode 5 Loose Lips and Deep Deep Rifts.

[A]

Yeah, Molly is gardening at home, which is exciting, and she's not happy about it. She doesn't like what's going on with the weeds. She's like, this is a weed, so you weed. And then it smacks her in the face. And then we go to Sally and she's in her little suckers.

[B]

Let me tell you, everybody knows a weed is a. But they're vindictive. They're vindictive and they're mean. I used to have to pick weeds whenever I was grounded when I was young, which was like, all the time. I was always out there picking weeds, and I had to do it with my lesbian Aunt Josie. And I only point out that she's a lesbian because she was a tough, tough ass and very strong, strong lesbian.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And my hands would bleed. And she loved. She was like, that's what you get. And now you need to be more careful with how you talk to adults. I was like, oh, God, you weed. I said you weed so many times. Molly. Molly really is a relatable queen.

[A]

Why? Why? I just don't understand why weeds can't be prettier. Because if they were prettier, they'd be wonderful because they're so hardy. They always grow back. You know, it's so hard to grow the. The intentional plants, but the ones that you don't care about just sprout. They come back over and over and over again. I would, like, weeds have utility. I mean, like a dandelion. Why can't we follow a dandelion's lead? They're so cute. They come out, they're yellow. They're sort of like floppy headed. And then they turn, go to seed, and they become very whimsical, you know, like, why can't more weeds be like that? Instead they're just so. These generic, kind of leafy.

[B]

Why are evil things so strong, too? Because it's so. They're so strong, weeds. I mean, I'm pulling those weeds, some of them, and they don't even look that big, but they go down, and they get bigger as they go down. You just can't pull them. I mean, they're just awful, awful things.

[A]

I got a whole bunch in my. In my garden. Like my little gale area. I've got. You got. I've got this beautiful red pepper plant that's just, like, doing its thing, but there's a weed in there, and you just pull it out and it goes back. I've also got grass growing in my. In my. My little planter pots. My grass. How'd you even get up here? Like, we're above. We're. We're in this. I'm on a terrace. How did grass get in here? But I've got grass growing.

[B]

Yeah, grass is really annoying too. Grass is like a boyfriend. It always comes. It's like a man, like, always comes at the wrong time and where you don't need it, you know?

[A]

Yeah. And it smells down. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, so then Sally is at home. She's on scrubs, and we know that she's doing doctory things because she's circling spines.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe she's working on Natasha's spine from Vanderpump Rules.

[B]

That's what I thought of too. I was like, wow, we're really into horses this year. All the shows have horses. And now I think another running theme is going to be crooked spines.

[A]

Crooked spines. It's funny because I went to occupational therapy yesterday, and really, because I had sprained my wrist, but also while I was there, I was like, can you give me some posture, you know, exercises? So now I'm, like, working on it. And I was like, yeah, like, spines are in right now. So I kind of, like, really want to work on mine.

[B]

Spines are super in right now. I've been working on my posture too. I don't know that it's working really.

[A]

Well, but I've been. Well, Gina's gonna get me in shape. Gina is gonna do it all for me with her. With her exercises. She gave to me. We love Gina. She was. She was a big. She was a big laugher. I love a. I love a physical therapist who can laugh, you know? So Sally's circling spines, and then we go to Whitner's law office, and he's there, and he's talking to. He's like. She's, like, shredding papers. So he's talking to the lady, the receptionist, and he's like, hey, Beth, what's more lawyerly than shredding a bunch of papers? Am I right? She's like, huh, not much.

[B]

Ha ha.

[A]

And he's like, well, particularly when they're discovery requests that I'm not gonna answer. Right, Beth? Right.

[B]

Way to get that on the record, dummy. And she's like, well, that would require billable hours, though. Just saying. Beth is A just saying person. A just saying. Listen, nobody needs a secretary who's a just saying secretary. Okay? Well, you could have gotten that call if you're here five minutes too earlier.

[A]

Just saying. She's got funny coffee mugs. You just know it. Like, but first cop. I don't think she does the but first coffee. That's, like, for the millennials. The millennials love the but first coffee thing. Hers are just like, wish I'd been sleeping or something like that.

[B]

I think her coffee cups say, just saying. Like, just saying. Am I right? It's coffee.

[A]

Just saying. Just maybe she has one that says, the horrors persist, but so do I. Oh, or maybe she has this one. I looked up funny coffee mugs. I bet I get she. I guarantee she has this one which says, it's a coffee mug with a baguette on it. It says, less regrets, more baguettes.

[B]

Yeah, that's a good one.

[A]

I think she was. Or I wish I wasn't here.

[B]

Or just, like, Mondays. Am I right? So Patricia is at home now. I love that Patricia hates so much, hates Randy so much that she's got a gong so that she knows that she's about to be intruded on by Randy. Because it's martini time, which I guess means it's like 10 o' clock in the morning, and we just hear gong. And she comes in. He's like, it's five o', clock, man. I've got your martini saying, Yeah, I heard the gong, Randy. All right, now I got the gong so I wouldn't have to listen to your voice. The gongs. You, not you.

[A]

I'm just impressed that Randy startled himself with the gong. You know, you usually get startled by things that are unexpected, but you saw yourself and you made the choice to hit the gong with the mallet. And then you still got startled by the gong noise. He was like.

[B]

He was. It's like, randy, you know it coming. You know it's coming, and you're still scared. But that's Randy. You know, he's working for Ms. Patricia, and it's hard. I think she probably has pictures of Michael everywhere. Or she has, like, a handbook with Michael's picture on the COVID And she's like, randy, you want to come over here and read about how Michael would do it? Read it out loud. Okay? Every word. Read every word from this page. And he's just like, better, better, better, better. That's right. That's how Michael would do it. All right, go back to your crate.

[A]

All right, Randy, we're Gonna do a test. See those two candlesticks over there? Okay, can you move those? But of course she points. There's four. There's four different candles. But she's like, see those two? So Randy's like, oh, must make a judgment call. So of course he takes the most old fashioned ones. No, not those. The fragrant ones that the stupid people keep bringing me. Get those out of here.

[B]

Those are disgusting. All right, smell it. Doesn't it smell gross? Smells good. Okay, ma', am, it smells gross. All right, light it. Okay, put your hand down towards it. Further, further, further. Do not scream on the gong, Randy. On the gong.

[A]

Have you ever seen body of evidence?

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Just a question.

[B]

So she's sipping her martini. This one is full of ice. Is that just the a new first martini of the day kind of a thing? Because I've never seen her have a martini glass full of ice. It's weird.

[A]

Maybe she like, maybe in the summertime. Yeah, maybe in the summertime she likes her martinis on the rocks.

[B]

You know, it's a lot of. Maybe she's just trying to get more water.

[A]

Yeah, maybe that's what it is. So Madison arrives and Randy's like, she's already all got her cocktail. She's meaner than ever. Be careful. And Madison's like, okay, well, I'm just so jealous. So she walks in, they say, hi. Stop, drop and roll.

[B]

Stupid. Stop, drop and roll. What's wrong with you? Why are you answering the door on fire? Butler's on fire.

[A]

He also smells quite good. I gave him one of the fragrant candles.

[B]

Sandalwood. I never really got that one.

[A]

Oh my God, are you pregnant? No, I've just been eating fat people. Am I right?

[B]

So she's like, yeah, I'm just going out clubbing later. Here, here, here. Well, that's a cute dress. That's not a maternity type dress, is it? And she's like, I just size up. Thankfully, I'm just so small normally that I can just wear actual normal sizes from a store. Even being nine months pregnant.

[A]

Well, I worked until I gave birth, wherein I was wearing what looked like a sack. I would just walk up to art and be like, that looks dumb. It's easy to do that when you're pregnant.

[B]

And she said dressing like a sack when you're pregnant is that you actually give birth to a potato. Randy, take my potatoes, some water. All right, Renob's about to rehearse.

[A]

The worst part about being pregnant is giving birth. My labor was literally two days without an epidural. Or a martini. I did it once and that was enough.

[B]

I mean, the worst part of being pregnant, I would imagine, is living with Whitney for 50 something years. When the man has a band named Renob, it's boner backwards.

[A]

So how many months is it now? I'm sort of getting sick and tired of having you over and not drinking. She's like, Well, I have 10 weeks left. It's a lot. It's a lot of time left. We've been hanging in there. I'm like, wow, Madison's been pregnant for. I mean, it's not that she's been pregnant for a long time, but I felt like she was on the precipice of giving birth since, like the first episode. And the fact that she's like, I still have 10 more weeks left. I was like, damn, this is a long journey.

[B]

It is. It's a long journey. And then. Do they appreciate you? No, they never do.

[A]

Never.

[B]

Well, tell me this, are you gonna breastfeed? And she's like, well, well, see if you like silicone implants or not. I tried breastfeeding for about 20 seconds. That's my idea of hell. It is funny having the butler try to do it, but otherwise.

[A]

We'Re gonna try to get some milk out of Randy. Could someone put him out, by the way? I mean, I always say he's flaming, but right now he really is on fire.

[B]

We just see Randy pass by, smoking, running by. Have you met Sally's friend Charlie? She's super pretty, real cute. Anyway, I think a little love triangle's happening because Craig's fly, you know, flirts with Sally and then Sally flirts with Craig and then I think Sally likes him, but Craig's more into Charlie. So Craig's having these girls over and he's hanging out at the hot tub late night party pretty frequently. Intriguing. Did anybody sleep with anybody?

[A]

No. I don't know if I heard any report back from that just yet. Okay, well, until there's some girl on boy action or even some girl on girl action, I don't want you coming back to these parts. Okay?

[B]

So she said, you've got some harassment for me to excuse. I don't need to hear any of this.

[A]

I don't care about courtship. Just the hot stuff. Yeah, she's like, I have an old fat. I have old fashioned ideas about courtship. I mean, what's wrong with having sex in a bed where it's civilized? A hot tub sounds totally disgusting. Less empty and filled with money. So Madison is like, it is disgusting.

[B]

Having sex in hot tubs also, it's not like, east infection central. That's what my friend tells me.

[A]

Yeah, I feel like I wouldn't. It's also, like, not, like, ergonomically, it's a little difficult. There's a lot of, like, shapes in a hot tub. A lot of, like, benches or, like, but rounded ledges that are supposed to be like, oh, you sit here. But you. They're always sort of like getting in your ass crack and you're like, ow. Like, I don't even have to be having sex to be uncomfortable in a hot tub. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah. And water makes wigs. Makes, like, skin on skin, friction. Weirder. It doesn't. It doesn't feel right. It's, like, almost, like, squeaky.

[A]

Yeah. Can I say something? As long as we're talking about sex. I watched the first 20 minutes of the first episode of Heated Rivalry last night.

[B]

Oh, my God. I did, too. Literally. 20 minutes.

[A]

20 minutes. And I have to say.

[B]

And I didn't hate it. Why'd you turn it off?

[A]

I didn't hate it, but I also. I was kind of. I didn't love it. I didn't think it was that good.

[B]

Oh, I did. I loved it. It was, like, with dialogue, which I really liked. You know, I liked all the, like, close ups where they, like, touch hand. Like that they touched hands. Or how the Russian guy is, like, drinking water really aggressively to flirt. He's like. I was like, why is that flirting? Maybe hot people just do it different. I mean, I don't know, but I liked it. I only turned it off because I was really stoned and I felt like I needed to be completely present.

[A]

I. I turned off. Honestly, I was, like, a little bored. I'm not gonna lie. I was just like, well, you gotta get. No, but I also thought it was funny. What? Well, I mean, they were 20. I know. No, I'm gonna continue watching it because I like to support the gay arts, and everyone's talking about it. I mean, it was. It was definitely like. I liked.

[B]

They were.

[A]

I like this, like, story, but I was like. This also felt a little bit unearned to me. I'm like, we. You just started the entire show with them. Like, like, we didn't even have any sort of, like, missed encounter kind of moment or like, wait, does he. Is that guy gay? Is he. It just was, like, kind of started off hot and heavy, and I was like, I. What? What about the buildup? Okay, Am I. Am I just too old? Fashioned. I feel like these shows, you need to have at least one episode of, like, oh, my God, is something gonna happen with these guys? But it was like, really. It was so fast. It kind of like, took away some of the. The excitement for me.

[B]

Oh, well, I felt like there was a lot of buildup because first they're in the locker room, and then the Russian guy starts to jerk off at him, and he doesn't jump his bones right in the shower. So I thought that was the buildup that was, like, a whole relationship sometimes in gay terms, you know, it' they actually made a date to go meet in a room. So I thought that that was, like, really good character development. I really liked it because I felt like it was like a steamy, stupid soap opera, but for gays. So I. And I love a good, steamy soap opera. So I was like, yes, finally, some. Some gays getting their. Their soaps on.

[A]

I did like that. Yeah, I like that.

[B]

The gays are getting so stupid. It's like, of course the Russian guy has a dad who's like, you do it for Russia. This is only for mother Russia, you little shit. Of course he's terrible and only cares about Russia. And then the other guy's mom was like, you're doing this for Asian children everywhere. Don't fuck it up. You know, it's like the parental pressure, which I really. I don't know.

[A]

I really liked it.

[B]

I only stopped watching it because I was stoned, and that makes me paranoid. And I live alone, but I still kept looking around like, oh, my God, is someone watching me? Like, I felt, like, paranoid that I was watching something dirty and, like, I was gonna get in trouble.

[A]

You're afraid the mom is gonna come through the TV and be like, I see the smut that you're watching.

[B]

Yeah. So I was like, I need to watch this when I'm, like, in of sound mind so I can be properly turned on and not feel guilty about it.

[A]

Well. Well, I apologize ahead of time because I just ruined our chances yet again for us to earn a Glad Media Award, because he did. Rivalry said something negative, but heated rivalry just felt like it just jumped right into it. I'm like, come on, you need to tease it out. You need to make up. Be like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. The tension. The sexual tension. So amazing. They're just like, no, we don't believe in sexual tension, but that is very gay too.

[B]

Well, they have sexual attention, though, because they flirted. Remember when they were in the locker room before they almost had sex. But. Well, I guess this was when they were working out. And then they were. One of them was on the. The. The bike thing. What do you call it? The peloton. And then the other guy came. He was, like, really lazy and depressed and going slow. And then the Russian comes in and he goes really fast on the peloton. And so the other guy's like, I'm going to go as fast as him. So they compete on the peloton. That was hot. And then when they sat in the locker room and then drank water really fast and aggressively while he'd, like, spread his legs and kind of touched his hand, I was like, this is hot. I mean, this is definitely hot, I think. I mean, that's. That's the script.

[A]

I did, like, the water bottle passing moment, but I still felt like that was like, in the first five minutes, I'm like, again, you're jumping into, like, just tease it out. It gives me one episode of teasing it out. That's all I ask for. And then I'm in. It just was so. It was. They just jumped right into it. And again, that is very gay. I mean, gay. That's how gay hookups happen. It's like, literally walking down the street and then, boop.

[B]

But I think the drama is going to come from, you know, you hook up and it's one thing, but then, you know, you're competing against each other in a very straight sport. So what's the drama like? How do you stay together? And are you going to keep hooking up? Because that's not as gay, right? When it's like the same guy over and over for years and years, like, what do you do? There's drama in that, too, you know, like, oh, my God, you have to have sex with the same person.

[A]

What's it. The drama.

[B]

The drama is going to get crazy.

[A]

I don't know. Well, I'll still watch it. Also watch it. I'll keep.

[B]

I'm going to watch it.

[A]

I'll give you that. There was a show in the CW that I felt like covered similar territory that was a lot hotter.

[B]

I'm gonna watch it, and I'll tell you what, I'll be holding the whole time. Not my penis, but a fan. An old church fan, too. I'm gonna get, like, one of those clackety fans. We go clack, and then I just fan myself watch it. Like.

[A]

Heated rivalry. Well, the show that I liked on the CW was called the LA Complex, and it was. It was also a Canadian show, and it was about like young people in LA trying to make it. And there was like one guy who was like an intern for like, like a musician. And then like, you know, over the course of several episodes, it turns out like the musicians closeted gay and they start like a romance and you're like, oh, my God. Oh my God. This is the hottest thing of all time. Because they teased it out. They tease it out. But you know what? I'm not teasing out right now. Yeah, get in there.

[B]

Bang them. Bang em. Slam em. Slam em. Thank you, mamum. Be done with it. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial. So, yeah, so they're gossiping about the kids who are having sex or not. And then we go over to witness literary themed dinner party flashback and why Austin and Craig got into a fight, which is still the dumbest fight of all time. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. So then Madison's just basically telling Patricia that Craig lot it. And Patricia's like, well, I mean, it was just such an innocuous statement. Is he all right? It's like, no. I mean, obviously he's heartbroken. Paige, the devil woman broke Craig's heart.

[A]

He'll never be the same. The late night hot tubs, the drinking, it's just a void he's trying to fill because he's not over page. And then we see they really do work overtime to get as much page content into this episode as possible. You know, they have so many flashbacks to Paige. It's like, hey, there's that place. That's where Craig gets coffee. Remember when Craig we got coffee with Paige and it'd be like a flashback of Craig and Paige getting coffee and Paige being like, here's a coffee. I'm like, wow, they really want to get. They really want to increase the amount of Paige they can get on bravo while they can.

[B]

Yeah, well, he's got to get it under control before it just takes back over his life. I mean, what is the life of hot tubs and drinking and having fun all night? It sounds terrible. Yeah, well, I may need another one today. Just get me another martini. Hey, Gonger, have you put yourself out yet? Gong your thing and bring me another drink.

[A]

Oh, unfortunately, Randy's just been reduced down to a pile of ashes. What was fun while we had him.

[B]

So now we go over to Craig's house and he is trying to empty out the water from a volleyball net. I guess the water that. Yeah. Acts as the weight or whatever.

[A]

Yeah, it's like, the weight. And he's there with Jack, his assistant. I think we first met Jack on the episode that we did not recap over Thanksgiving. And the first thing that I thought of when I saw Jack then is that I think it's so funny that Craig got an assistant whose face looks just like Paige's. I mean, if you look at Jack's face, it's Paige. It's Paige with, like, a little southern haircut and a polo shirt. Absolutely. If you look at it, it's Paige's face. I was like, ok.

[B]

It all makes an assistant with page face. I thought that in. When I was watching this, my only thought when I saw Jack was in Jack's mind. This is. He did rivalry. Like, I feel like Jack is taking everything Craig does.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

As like, kind of a sign, you know, like, oh, my God, I'm helping Craig with another party today. I hope I'm invited. You know, I think it's, like, super sexy in Jack's mind. Craig's like, well, I hope the volleyball stand works, because, like, that's the main event of my party.

[A]

Yeah, it's gonna be like a really. Yeah. This is. This is how you can tell Paige is not here anymore, because Paige would be like, volleyball is the main event, Craig. No, absolutely not. It's gonna be a table with cocktails on it. But, yeah, for Craig, volleyball is gonna be the thing that happens. And so they're pouring out all this, and it's just like. It's so gross. Like, you see this green water coming out of the base of this volleyball net, and he's like, well, it's been in there for a few years. Right. Okay, so what can I say? So Jack has just discussed it. Jack is playing the role of Paige today. He just has his arms crossed, and he's like, well, I wish I could give you a lashing the way what Paige did, but I'm actually on your payroll, so I can't. But we could have a heated rivalry if you want. Should this be a romantic moment? No.

[B]

I can't just stare at the cameras in disgust a lot of the time, which is what he does. He just keeps looking at the cameras like, did you hear that? Craig is like, yeah, those water's been here for two years. Like, did you hear that? Yeah. So how's everything going, Jack? And he's like, you know, just getting everything ready for the party that you're pretending to throw by yourself. He's like, yeah, I know. It should be fun. There's, like, a couple Minute, last minute requests, though. Okay, so. And Jack goes, oh, great. I hear some of those undertones in there. Were those undertones? No. What are you talking about? Looks at the camera like, can you hear this bitch? Did you just hear this bitch?

[A]

The only thing I was thinking of if we call a power washing company tomorrow and see if they can come blast this, because I think it'll look a lot nicer because Connor's gonna set up a ceviche station here. It's like an immortal day pool party from when we were little. So I think that we're. You know, when we were little, you have Memorial Day with ceviche. So I was kind of thinking, like, we lean into it a little bit more attack, but be, like, tacky and be like. We normally would be, like a lot of stars. And Jack's like, okay, so you just want to do an elevated Memorial Day party. Okay, Jor. Got it.

[B]

Undertones. I heard undertones. Oh, also, yeah, we need a power washer. Okay. Power wash it. He's like, okay, same day power washing. Got it, Got it. I'll just go hire a power washing company in the next five minutes to show up here in the next ten. Sounds great, Craig.

[A]

Yeah. To power wash a coffee table so you can put ceviche on it. And then also, like, it's so Craig. To be like, yeah, let's have, like, a Memorial Day pool party from, like, when we were little.

[B]

Because I'm memorial.

[A]

What are these things? But what is, like, the. What are, like, the. The childhood Memorial Day party? Like, pool parties. I feel like they're just pool parties. Right? And that's just so Craig, you know, he, like, makes you, like, sit and watch, like, Angels in the Outfield or something. He's like, this movie is so good. I loved it as a kid. You guys want to come over, watch Angels in the Outfield? He does that, like, every weekend. What?

[B]

Charlie Sheen's a really good actor. Was that Charlie Sheen? That was Mighty Ducks. That was maybe Major League. Emilio Estebas was Mighty Ducks.

[A]

Yeah. Angels in the Outfield was. I don't know. What was the one about the kid who had the arm, like the rookie. Rookie of the year?

[B]

Honestly, I didn't watch a ton of those. I didn't really understand them. They needed more gay sex, which is why he did. Rivalry works.

[A]

You're right. Sports did need more of that. They did more of that. That's true.

[B]

Except, like, not bad News Bears or something like that, but, like, you know, like, the. What were the ones you just said? What even have. Maybe Field of Dreams could have used some more gay.

[A]

I never saw that. I never saw Field of Dreams.

[B]

You know, gay sex, when you say if they. If you build it, they will come, like, sounds like the perfect gay logline.

[A]

Well, I'm also down. You know, Like, I also, you know, like Jerry Maguire. That's a good one. That's football.

[B]

That was pretty good. That could have used more G6, though.

[A]

Could have used it. But, you know, Cuba Gooding Jr. In that towel will always stay with me, so I appreciate that.

[B]

Yeah, it's gay enough.

[A]

Yeah, that's pretty good.

[B]

Also. It's where we learned that the human brain. Brain weighed eight pounds. So that was important.

[A]

We also. And it brought us Renee Zellweger and Bonnie Hunt. Well, Bonnie Hunt was with us already. But, like, that was. That was. That was when we realized that we all needed a laurel in our lives in the form of Bonnie Hunt to give us some good advice that we just wouldn't listen to.

[B]

So Craig's like, yeah, I love throwing parties. Like, I was the social chair at my fraternity in college. Do we believe that? I almost fact checked it. Fact checked it right on the spot. But I don't know how to.

[A]

I believe he was a social chair. I also don't know if being a social chair in a fraternity makes you qualified to throw a quote unquote, like, adult party, you know, many years later, 15 years later. I'm just not sure.

[B]

Yeah, it says, yes, Craig Conover was the social chair of his fraternity, Kappa Sigma, while attending the College of Charleston. Well, he mentioned it in an interview, so I don't know. That's the thing. Like, you can't fact check Craig because every time you try and fact check him, he's already given the interview where he's given the fact. So I need someone else. Someone else. Let's just. Let's just have, like, a crazy conspiracy. Well, it's not that crazy because Craig is always lying. So that's why I'm asking. So anyway, he's like, my parties have just graduated throughout the years. And then we see a flashback to 2018. Cameron. Of course, it's always Cameron's judginess. She's like, do you even have eyes? Ew, Craig, you don't have eyes. I won't shoot this show anymore. I'm too good to be on a show without ISA parties.

[A]

We're gonna need a new judgy, judgy girl on this show. I mean, Madison is pretty judgy, but she's Also got a baby coming and she's just gonna be too busy to deal with Craig. So we need someone else. Maybe Charlie can step into this role of someone who just is disgusted by Craig and wants to boss him around and. And like, you know, make him better himself. Because that's like a really fun role for me on Southern Charm. I enjoy watching that.

[B]

I do too. And it's one of the things that made the show so successful was Cameron. I think that they should just kind of reboot this show and do it all like they're going to do with Orange county, where they're bringing back a bunch of the originals and just bring back most of the original cast. I mean, I know most of them are in jail or completely canceled by now, but at least age appropriate people. I mean, I didn't love her, but I mean, you know, like Cameron, is that the only one? I could. I'm trying to else could. Come on. That's not canceled. I mean, Catherine, I think, is in jail for like 30 days or something for DUI.

[A]

Kelsey, Cameron, Chelsea, Danny are the only OG girls I can think of. And Jenna. Jenna basically didn't make an impression. Well, what about Landon?

[B]

Yeah, get all the terrible people back. I think it needs it because right now it's just all the guys have gotten old. It's like the Matthew McConaughey. Like, I love dating high school girls because we get older, but they stay the same. And it's just not as fun watching, you know, young people be like, oh, my God, do you think he likes me? No, he's going to use you. Okay. And they're okay with it because they just want the likes on Instagram or whatever. I need, like, the older people, I think that would get more of a run for their money. Like Audrey. If he breaks up with Audrey or not. I mean, who cares? She's like, too young. She's like, she's probably not there for the right reasons. We all know it's not going to work. I need somebody who can give them a run for their money.

[A]

Well, we actually already have a comment from Landon at the idea of coming back to the show. Landon, we miss you. Well, Maybe we should have Ramona come and join the show.

[B]

So Craig's like, yeah, I just. I want to host so badly, but, like, maybe I should just let, like, the yard be the host and what's his buns just looks at the camera like, you fucking kid. Is this guy fucking kidding with me? It's like Bea Arthur was reincarnated into this gay Assistant.

[A]

What? What sort of host says, let the yard be the host. That is the laziest rebrand of. And, like, passing the buck of not wanting to do any of the effort of being a host. But, yeah, I'll be like, the yard. He's like, you know, because, like, the garden will be open, so if someone wants to pick tomatoes and peppers. Why do people want to pick tomatoes and peppers at your party? Why is he thinking, like, for the mix? Like, if you want to make a cocktail, you, like, get it fresh. It's like some weird attempt at being like Martha Stewart right now. Like, no, no, no. No one wants your tomatoes that are probably growing within a foot of the beehive and they'll get stung. No, Craig, no. The yard is not the hose. It doesn't work like that. It makes no sense.

[B]

He's like, I paid for the yard, so that's enough. I got the setting. Everybody else figure it out. So he's like, well, we're getting honey from the hives to give to the bartenders for the signature cocktail, and we're going to have a slushy machine. And I told Charlie we could do coladas because she really likes those. And we see a flashback to Charlie being like, oh, my God, I love a frozen drink. I love pina coladas.

[A]

She's like, if you love pina coladas. Am I right, Craig? I don't get it. Do you get. Do you like getting caught in the rain? No. Do you like making love at midnight? It's a little late for me. Okay, Craig, you're not. You're not really. Yes. And ing me here.

[B]

Except Craig would know all those words because he's like a yacht rock kind of a guy.

[A]

I think he's like, like, remember listening to that song when you were little? If you like pina coladas, he just shows up. It's Paige and Craig show up at a. At a restaurant together. She's like, damn it. Never should have answered that ad.

[B]

So Craig is talking about how it's so nice having a crush on someone again because it reminds you that that feeling is possible. So Charlie's taking my mind off Paige. Yeah, like, she just has. Which is why I'm still talking about Paige and this party I can't seem to host without Paige.

[A]

And also flirting with Sally at the same time and kind of falling in love with Jack because he's kind of. Kind of got Paige's face. I don't know.

[B]

Jack's like, oh, my God. He's screaming Paige and rocking back and forth. Now's my chance. Now's my chance. Okay, I'm better now. Damn it. Damn it.

[A]

Oh, and then we see here. Now, I remember this detail now. And now everything makes sense. So Craig goes, oh, I also. I have to pick up some drop hop for bottles for Austin because, like, that's my gesture because, like, we got into a fight. So now I know why he's really mad that Austin didn't show up. Because he's like, I bought trop hop for you from. From you and for you. And he didn't even show up. And now I'm stuck with drop hop at my house. Now I see why he's so mad later on.

[B]

Well, he says he's got to pick him up. He didn't say he had to buy them.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Probably just called whoever and went down and got some free ones. He's like, yeah, I mean, I shouldn't have yelled, but I apologize to him, so I hope he comes. And Jack's like, well, I just can't imagine him not coming looking at the camera.

[A]

Sort of. Sort of like me and you late at night. Am I right? Heated rivalry fantasy. Sorry. So we go to Vanita's house, and Vanita's like, well, I don't think I had an egg this jammy before. I'm scared. And it's a classic Vanita and Charles scene where she is. She's really pushing the limits of. Of adrenaline with that jammy egg situation. I hope she's okay with that extra jammy egg. She's never had one. So Jamie before. Everyone. America. Will she survive?

[B]

Will she survive? I love us. I love a Charles scene. I was just glad to see Charles there looking all handsome.

[A]

Yeah, but he was getting everything.

[B]

Rivalry. Yes. We've seen heated rivalry, Charles. Okay. God. Put down the remote control.

[A]

Don't you agree, though? There should have been a little bit more of a buildup.

[B]

Woof.

[A]

Quiet, Charles. Make my jammy egg.

[B]

So Vanita, as she does every day, I'm sure, calls Austin, and she's like, oh, hi. Where are you? And he's like, I'm Charlotte. I just wanted to get out of town for a second. I just wanted Audrey to meet the cats. There's Audrey back there. There she is. Yeah. Yeah. The car broke down, so she's pushing us towards the gas station. Hey, Audrey, say hi. She's like, oh, hi.

[A]

And Vanita's like, I'm not buying the rumor. Austin and Audrey are well suited for each other, but I don't know if Austin will ever Be mature enough to put a ring on someone's hand. But I think they are quite cute together. And I don't know. I'm rooting for him. So then Austin puts, like, Piper on camera, because he's, like, not really gonna put Audrey on camera, but he'll definitely, like, zoom in on the cat. And Vinya's like, oh, my God, Piper are so cute. Yeah. So what are you doing? What are you up to right now? I'm just making a jammy egg. Probably the jammiest egg I've ever made in my life. I actually am, like, so glad you're here to witness this, because I don't think I've ever had something so jammy. And if I die, just know she died eating the jammiest egg of her life.

[B]

Well, I haven't processed fully how Craig just flipped on me. He slept on it. And so we see the party of flipping out, and he's like, well, I mean, I talked to Chevy yesterday after days of not speaking to him. I have been dead. All the spits coming through the phone. She's just like, yeah, that was her.

[A]

She's like, you got spit on my jammy egg. And Austin. We see this flashback of Austin calling Shep, and Shep is sitting on a staircase, and Austin's like, yeah, but want to call you. Because I've just been doing a lot of thinking the first time in my life, and, like, why did my two friends feel the need to just, like, attack me so callously? And it just, like, smacked me in the face.

[B]

Face.

[A]

I'm like, says everyone who's dealt, like, within three inches of your tongue just flapping around. And he's like, I was just, like, out questioning everything. I was like, are these dudes even still my friends? Like, I was just, like, so hurt by all of it. It's insane right now. Commercials. Here comes one right now.

[B]

I know. I'm just sick over this thing. I mean, you're my brother, and I. A small part, but a part of it nonetheless. Oh, you've had a terrible week. I'm hurt. Did I hurt you? So Austin's saying, yeah, you know, Shep would be very upset by me choosing to ignore him. Like, I think my friends view me as a target, and that's that. That I'm gonna forgive them. Okay, Mr. Victim, you just did the same thing all last year to Craig and before you did this and kind of to Chef, too. Called him a loser for that girl he was dating. Not that you were wrong on either count, but this is what you guys do to each other. So, yeah, what do you want from me?

[A]

Exactly. So Vanita's like, well, Shep's reaction. That's a real friend. Because he's not saying, oh, you need to change these things about yourself, and then come back to me. He's like, how do I do better for you and your friendship? And then he's gonna, like, not follow that advice, but at least he's asking, you know? And meanwhile, Craig's just like, well, that's how I feel, and get on out. Yeah. Because it's been really tough the past few days to come to that realization. I mean, I guess I could have just, like, watched our own TV show, and I would have realized it a lot sooner. But who does that? Okay. Like, I was like, wait. Wait a minute. A real friend wouldn't be taking pleasure making you feel like it's insane.

[B]

And Vanita, who's not subtle at all, is like, yeah, Craig is way worse than Shep. Get rid of Craig. And also, Sally has to stop hanging out with him, too. I don't like it. And I'm. I'm. I'm gonna be on pages Amazon live one day, Damn it. So everybody stop talking to Craig.

[A]

Yeah. And Vanita. Yeah. She's like, yeah, it's awful. So now we go to Molly driving her Mitsubishi. And Molly's like, oh, my God, it's so pretty today. Is that a low tide? Oh, my God, it's prime shark tooth. Prime shark tooth hunting time. Let me call my mother. This is what. That's actually a. That's not just us summarizing. That's literally what she said. She says, it's prime shark tooth hunting time. Let me call my mother.

[B]

I like this scene because this is Molly, and I know that it's just shot this way because they're shooting it, but just the way she was driving, all these cars are passing by and going. And Molly's just stopping in the middle of the road, talking on her phone. She's studying for pretending to drive half the time. It was so funny to me. You just see all these cars trying to go around her. So her dad answers, and she's. He's like, hello? She's like, mom. No, she's out in physical therapy. But, you know, should we call you when she gets home? She's like, it's okay. I can talk to you. I'm just like. I just. I'm just driving back from Keith's dad. He's like, who's Keith? What's that all About? What do you mean? Who's Keith, Dad? Keith Bradshaw. Who? Oh, I love that.

[A]

Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, Keith Bradshaw with all those funny columns about going out to brunch with his girlfriends. That's Carrie Bradshaw, dad. Keith Bradshaw. Yeah.

[B]

Okay, well, I don't know who that is. The one that I'm recording the song with. Oh, that Keith. Yeah, that guy. That Richard. Christ. Dad, dad.

[A]

Keith Richards, right? I'm so proud you're working with the Rolling Stones. No, dad, I'm just. Just some random old dude on a sofa that I'm gonna sing along next to. Oh, okay. Well, that's pretty cool, dude. So we see this guy, she's singing with him, and she sings. She just, like, sings some. Some lyric and she's like, willingly attach me no fear, no doubt Only lonely souls inside and out.

[B]

I saw her clip. She was singing at Craig and Austin's restaurant, by the way. Is that what it's called, by the way? That's what it's called. Right?

[A]

I remember what it's called.

[B]

And she sounded pretty. She's like, singing with a band there or whatever.

[A]

Yeah, it's a nice little voice. So she says that her parents have always been her biggest supporters. They've always wanted her to do all the things. And she goes. Not to toot my own horn, pun intended, if you follow me. But I was good at a lot of stuff. And we see her last week sitting with her parents, and he's like. Her dad is like, I remember the first time I heard you sing solo, and I didn't know who it was that I was playing a euphonium. Well, that explains a lot. I was like, wow, she's got a deep voice.

[B]

Yeah. Your daddy turned to me and said, who's that singing Olivia Newton John or something? I said, it's a Trombone.

[A]

Too soon also, by the way. Too soon soon. So the 11 Newton John. That's so the fact that, like, that was his. That was his reference is so cute. Like, who is that? Who's singing right now? Is that Olivia Newton John? Why is our daughter singing about getting physical?

[B]

Yeah, my dad's like, you have to do more with your singing. You know, like, you could be famous. You could be like the next Taylor Swift. So maybe I'll do.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, it's happening right now. So she says that she's gonna try to do an open mic night because she'd never done that before. And he's like, yeah, well, I remember when you sang in all those high school musicals that you Were singing at Andy's wedding. And that was amazing. And so classic O and J. Am I right? Okay, dad, I'm not Olivia Newton John.

[B]

You can just.

[A]

You can give that up, okay? We're two different people.

[B]

And she talks about how she's always had performance anxiety. And one time she had to do a piano recital recital when she was 8 or 9. And she was playing, and she forgot where she was, and so she freaked out. And she stood up and just ran down the aisle of the church and left the thing, which I really like. I used to try and make my parents get nervous in piano recitals. Because the teacher would be like, ronnie won't practice. He doesn't know what he's doing. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. My parents were like, oh, my God, Ronnie's gonna be terrible. And my mom was especially worried about being so embarrassed. And then I would get up there and just play the shit out of it. And they're like, oh, my God. When did you learn to do that? That? I was like, I was practicing, but I didn't want my mom to know just so she'd have a nervous breakdown, you guys. And that was chopsticks.

[A]

Chopsticks. So Molly's saying, like, Michael saying, hey, Molly, who doesn't get nervous? I mean, I had to go to court, like, a week after I became a lawyer, and I was scared shitless. I didn't know what to do. And Molly's like, yeah, that would have freaked me out, especially because I'm not even a lawyer. So she says, I think I stood in my own way with a lot of things, But I've gotten myself to a point where I just feel like I'm ready to mentally start facing my fears and doing all the things that bring me joy. So she's gonna sing.

[B]

Yeah. So then we go to Sally's house, and she's pulling out ingredients for drinks and stuff. And Charlie comes over. Oh, it's not drinks. It's a cake. Cake. She's making a cake. She's making her her mom's recipe from scratch. And it's Grandma's grandma's recipe. And it was written on, you know, I don't know, some newspaper or something. And then they photographed it, and it's all stained and nasty. And so they're making it, which is kind of sweet, But, I mean, you could just look up coffee cake. Just saying. It's on Google.

[A]

It's Grandma's coffee cake. Oh, I guess she does say mom's coffee cake. But I thought it was Grandma's coffee cake. Well, either way, whatever it is, she's crying because she says that passed down.

[B]

It'S a generational coffee cake. Okay?

[A]

They bake this coffee cake every Christmas Eve, which is so. You know, let's. Look, I. I am not Christian, but is coffee cake a traditional thing that you make on Christmas Eve? Is that something that is known? It's like.

[B]

It's like something you probably give to people. Maybe they can eat it in the morning. I don't know.

[A]

It's like deck the halls with boughs of holly and some coffee cake.

[B]

Never heard of it being a tradition, but, you know, I mean, we had boiled beef at my Meemaw's house and green beans every Christmas Eve. Does that mean I need to have it every year? It does not. I will not do it. Love you, Meemaw. Hope you're up there having a great old time. And I hope you're not boiling beef for Jesus, because it sucks. Okay, well.

[A]

Well, you know what? I. I guarantee the way this coffee cake came into existence on Christmas Eve was that like, this poor grandmother was probably busy and harried and her mom, her kids were complaining. And like, we want cake. We want Christmas Eve. She's like, fine, you want a cake? You can get a. You can get a coffee cake. Because that's all the time. That's the only time that's all I can make with. This time that I have just throws a coffee cake on the table. And they're like, but we want another cake. We want, like a Christmas cake. And they're probably. She's probably just like, you know what? I made you a coffee cake. And that's what you can get, and that's all you're ever going to get on Christmas Eve. And then just became their tradition. It was like a coffee cake out of rage. Because she was. Ran out of time.

[B]

Yeah. Rage coffee cake.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So she's like, okay, open these two sticks of butter. Okay. Oh, wait. First she talks about how her grandma passed away. So that was sad. So they're still gonna make it. And so it's two sticks of butter open. Imagine if they didn't make it. It's like, I would make it, but my grandma's dead, so I'm not making a dead person's coffee cake. But she does make it. Yeah. And so they're trying to figure it out, and Charlie doesn't know what ounces are, and so that's hard. And so then they're like, how many ounces are in a cup? And so she tries to guess, and it takes her three guesses to get it.

[A]

She gets there.

[B]

She gets there.

[A]

Like, her initial guess of 16 was a totally fair guess. It's 8. It's 8. But the thing is, like, so many things are 60. Like, I think it's. Isn't it 16 ounces in a pound? I don't know. I. I feel like that was a. Bravo likes to roast their cast members with trivial knowledge. I don't think that ounces in a cup is a fair one. I think that's, like, very confusing. I think it's. It's a totally fair to think it's 16 instead of 8 because of the pound situation. So I'm giving Charlie a pass.

[B]

Okay, that's fair. I didn't really know either.

[A]

So, yeah, I feel like Bravo needs. I don't really know their jets a little bit.

[B]

I mean, it comes humiliating. Yeah. Cups a cup. So also, Charlie, go ahead.

[A]

You should be using grams anyway in the scale. Okay. Go back to it.

[B]

Well, yeah, that's what I was gonna say. Like, I don't. I think that would be more important than learning ounces and cups would be learning how many grams things are. But I don't know. You know, what do I know? So Charlie's like, yeah. Even though Sally and I's friendship is new, I feel like we bonded more than sisters. But we've had to navigate a lot of normal friendship. We haven't had to navigate a lot of normal friendship struggles yet. Until this handsome man came in off the road and asked me to find him a watercolor of a panda or a tiger or a bear.

[A]

So this means that they basically don't know each other, and they're pretending like they're super great friends. So then Sally's like, hey, do you want to crack this egg? And Charlie's like, sure, it's the entire egg. She's like, yeah, of course it's the entire egg. And I was totally on Charlie's side when she was like, yeah, but, you know, some people just cook with yolks. Yes. Sally acting like you're a little baker and you shaming someone for suggesting that it might just use an egg or a white.

[B]

And she's like, well, soon we're gonna be able to go back there and get the eggs. He goes, oh, you're getting your chickens. And she's like, me and Craig. Me and Craig are gonna go pick out chickens together. Yeah.

[A]

This is a weird power move on her part. She's like, I was talking to Craig in The hot tub, about life and kind of like, we want the farms and stuff. And I was like, I always want the chickens. It was actually more like, what chickens? Which he said was a weird thing to say at that moment, but it was true. It was from the heart. And he was like, you could do it. And I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna get chickens.

[B]

Yeah, Sally, you're kind of trying a little too hard. You. Everyone saw the scene of Craig at the goat place with Paige talking about getting goats or whatever the that was. We know what you're trying to do. And the man is not going to marry you when he can get the eggs for free. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Southern saints, like, or very easily. Easily at this. At the supermarket.

[B]

Don't ever get chickens for a man. Telling you that, right?

[A]

No, just don't do it because the.

[B]

Chickens are noxious, annoying. They're. They're obnoxious enough without remembering the guy that dumped you for Charlie while you. While they bite your feet. You know, don't.

[A]

Don't get chickens. Don't get chickens for a man. That's like, I think that's always like a really good piece of advice. I think it works in a really good situation.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so they put the cake in the oven, and then I don't think we ever see it again. You know, Charlie's like, should we put some cinnamon on top? I was like, okay, Charlie, that's okay. You're losing me again now.

[B]

And it's a bunch of valleys. Like, that's not even the top. That's the bottom.

[A]

She doesn't even understand bunt cakes. So they go out, they go sit on the couch where the dogs are just bothly, like, lying there dead. And Sally is like, oh, my God, this is the perfect baby. And so Charlie's like, have you talked to Molly since the party? And of course they didn't, because I don't think they even would talk to Molly even if there weren't a beef. Molly lives in her own parallel universe to this show where she just sort of has scenes and sometimes interacts because, like, people coincidentally are in a scene with her. But I don't really believe she's actually on Southern Charm.

[B]

Yeah, she's on something else. She's on a different show. Well, she's on like her own little show. It's like one of those little Pixar movies they show you before an actual full length movie. You know, it's just a minute and it's really cute. And then after you Google, like the paperclip thing. Show me that again. And you watch it over and over. It's like that.

[A]

Yeah. She just is not on the show. So Sally is like, yeah. So we see Whitner's birthday party and Sally's like, you've been telling everyone that I've been calling dibs on the gods with who? And we see that Vanita that takes up for Sally. So then Sally, now back in the present, is like, yeah, Vanita had Molly's back a little. And I was like, oh, But I think she's worried I'm gonna date Craig. I mean, I do. I think he's attractive and like, his personality. And if he made a move, would I be into it? Yeah. And like, Sally is saying this, she's talking about Vanita, but what she's really doing is she's warning Charlie, lay off my man. Right. Like that's what she's really doing here.

[B]

Yes. And Charlie is like, well. And it's working because Charlie's like, oh.

[A]

Her face is like.

[B]

And she says, you know, I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells with Sally because of Craig, but it's the only thing that Sally and I have ever thought about and I don't like it. But you've known each other for five minutes, so give it time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Charlie says, yeah, but, you know, I can tell there's something between Craig and I, you know, And Charleston is so small. If I have to exclude every single guy that one of my friends has a crush on at one point in their lives, I'd be done forever, you know? And so Sally's like, well, I'm gonna continue to do what makes me happy. And Charlie's like, hope you remembered that advice. When I do what makes me happy, which is take Craig Suckle.

[A]

Exactly. It's just so funny that Sally is like, offended that Vanita doesn't 100 have her back when Sally is the one who is who did it first, basically, to Vanita. Also, more offensively, the scene ends now and we don't even see how the cake turns out. It was like Chekhov's cake, but they didn't do the Chekhov part, you know?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Hello there. This is a two part recap. Okay. This is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this. Just come back a little later for part two.

[A]

Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Block Clock.

[B]

Our way is the Amber way.

[A]

It's the Foster and the Furious It's Amanda Foster. It's always automatic with Ashley Otto. Put your hands together for Carly Clap.

[B]

Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt we never miss her call. It's Diane Call Sunday in the park with Dylan Clark. Big yay. It's Emily Gaultier.

[A]

Aaron McNicholas she don't miss no Trickolus Hava Nagila Weber. You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, you go, we all go for Hugo Jaime. She has no less Namey she's our kind of mess.

[B]

It's Jennifer Messer Sipped some scotch with.

[A]

Jessica Trotch she's our favorite streamer Caroline Peacock.

[B]

Kristen the Piston Anderson. Get a bee in your bonnet with Lacey B. Que sera sera Whatever will be will Lauren Sills be she gets an A from us It's Lindsey D. Let's give a Kisserino to Lisa Lino. Fresh as a daisy. It's Maisie McHenry Megan Berg. You can't have a burger without the Berg.

[A]

This is Living with Michelle Vivian.

[B]

I love Aya Olivia Williamson.

[A]

She sure is swell. It's Raquel.

[B]

Yes, we can. It's Savannah.

[A]

Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. Let's share with Sharon Eldridge.

[B]

Darn skippy, it's Tippy. And our Super Premium sponsors.

[A]

Make way for AJ La Lopez.

[B]

She's VVIP It's Amanda V. Can't lose when you're with Amy Baldwin.

[A]

Somebody get us 10cc's of Betsy MD.

[B]

We'Re taking the gold with Brenda Silva.

[A]

Let's get real with Caitlin o'.

[B]

Neal. Put us on a stretcher. It's Charlotte Fletcher. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily sides.

[A]

Who, what, why, where? And Gwen Pentland.

[B]

Let's go into the woods with Guy Tubbs.

[A]

Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. Hail the cork master, the master of the cork Jennifer Corcoran. We got our wish. It's Jen Plish. My favorite Murdo Karen McMurdo.

[B]

She's a total knockout It's Katie Manock.

[A]

In the study with a candlestick It's Leslie Peacock G. It's Lisa H. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Baron. She's a whiz It's Liz Sarthy, always killing it. It's Lo Al Kalani.

[B]

The incredible edible Matthew Sisters she eases our woes. It's Melissa St. Rose. There's a chance of meatballs. It's Rebecca Cloud.

[A]

Maximum love for Sandy Maximoska she's the queen bee.

[B]

It's Sarah Lemke we cannot tell a lie. It's Sarah tell of son Shannon out.

[A]

Of a can And Anthony please don't stop at solely and pop let's take off with Tamla plane. You'll always get the full story with Tori Arson.

[B]

She ain't no shrinking violet. Coutar we love you guys. If you like, watch what crappens. You can listen ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short [e-mail] survey.