Ronnie (2:22)

Watch what happens. Watch what crap is. Guess what happens when there's so much crappin. Watch what happen.

Ben (2:33)

Happen.

Ronnie (2:34)

Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens.

John (2:45)

Hello everybody. It is time for part three of our Gay Crappin crossover, Recapping My Secret Santa. And here is part three of this cinematic Masterpiece recap. Starting now.

Ronnie (3:01)

So anyway, so. So this guy went on a bender in Italy. He got cooked up out of his mind. I guess he's sort of supposed to be some sort of like, Kendall Roy character. Yeah, it's that, like, went and got nuts, except he comes back like a nice Kendall Roy.

John (3:13)

And he says. And the father says, in all honesty, this sentence. Matthew, before your mother died, I promised her I would raise you the best I possibly could. Cool. As opposed to, I don't know if she had lived.

Ben (3:31)

Yeah, when. When your mom was alive. I didn't give a how I raised her, but, man, when she was done.

John (3:36)

Delivered it so woodenly and just.

Ronnie (3:39)

Yes.

John (3:40)

It's a shame they gave this guy lines like this because they were laughable.

Ben (3:46)

Yeah, I thought it would just be an endless supply of money. But this time, statues in Italy. Matthew, damn it. We're gonna work your debt off in this hotel.

Ronnie (3:58)

I know. He's like, sorry, dad, it won't happen again. It's like.

Ben (4:01)

And. And then.

Ronnie (4:01)

And Matthew also, just, like, is like, well, I guess this is what I have to do. Like, he's not like, I don't have to work here if I don't have to. I'm gonna do my own. You dad. He's just like, okay, I guess I'll take some sort of unglamorous middle management position at a. Some sort of generic.

Ben (4:17)

It's like, makes total sense.

Ronnie (4:19)

Yeah, yeah.

Ben (4:19)

No, he doesn't argue at all. He's just like, sure, I will work for $50,000 a year. You're correct at.

John (4:26)

And now Natasha, this is our new gm, my son.

Ronnie (4:32)

And now Natasha's rage makes so much more sense. Look at this woman. She is like working at this hotel, trying to do things, trying to help things. She's working super hard. Things get thrown at her all the time. She's working the hardest. And then when she's up for a promotion, this Nepo baby just gets slotted in with his. With his. With his stripes and his polka dots blended together in his outfits.

John (4:54)

Yeah. And y', all, I just want everyone to know, notice in the next scene when he's there, he is already wearing a tie.

Ronnie (5:03)

He is.

John (5:04)

And it's going to pay.

Ronnie (5:05)

I think that Natasha put it on. I think Natasha put it on.

John (5:08)

Okay.

Ronnie (5:08)

It was also like this ill fitting shirt and it was like, again, it was like, it was like a polka dot tie with like a striped shirt. It was like a lot.

Ben (5:16)

So.

Ronnie (5:17)

So Natasha is like, wait a second, I have to train him. And the dad's like, yeah, well, you know, if anybody can. No one better than you, you know, and make sure.

John (5:29)

Actually, I know why you're not a gm. But we won't talk about that, Natasha.

Ben (5:34)

And we won't even talk about it at the end when you're still not the gm. What the was that?

John (5:39)

Well, they ship her off to London.

Emily (5:41)

Well, but no, because, no, that's where her ex husband lives in London.

Ronnie (5:46)

Why do you want to live where.

John (5:47)

Your ex hus husband is? Because the child that we.

Ronnie (5:49)

Because, because women should not be on their own. They have to be married. Okay?

Emily (5:55)

Women do not need to be sinks.

Ben (5:57)

This is a Christmas movie.

Ronnie (5:58)

Don't you know?

Ben (5:59)

A woman living alone is the best Christmas you can ever.

Ronnie (6:04)

Women shouldn't have careers in Christmas movies.

Emily (6:06)

It's a great American country movie. We used to call it gay ass country.

Ronnie (6:14)

I I, yeah. So she has to like, I like the dad's like, and be sure to get this resort ready for the holidays. I'm like, sir, the Klotz cookie company is in full swing.

Ben (6:23)

You are.

Ronnie (6:24)

The holidays have begun.

Emily (6:26)

They'll be gone.

Ronnie (6:26)

We're in it.

John (6:28)

Meanwhile, back at the hotel where they live, Zoe is somehow asleep with a Santa hat on.

Ronnie (6:39)

What was she doing?

Ben (6:40)

What is wrong? What is what? Why are we infantile, infantilizing this child? What is wrong? This girl? And then she's like, oh, my God, I'm going to take off her Santa hat and tuck her into bed. So she tucks her in and then leaves on the string lights. And then she leaves and the room burns down. And the daughter, she does, she leaves.

John (6:58)

She leaves her daughter asleep on the sofa.

Emily (7:01)

She does.

Ronnie (7:03)

She's like afraid to do any, she's afraid to upset her daughter. She's like, I won't even wake up my daughter to make her go into the bed because she's like, God forbid I push back on any of my daughter's like, happiness, like, whether it means sleeping in bed or going to snowboarding academy. So instead said, she takes the hat off. Which I'm like, well, why are you taking the hat off of her? She was comfortable. And she puts it on, obviously to.

John (7:24)

I, I wrote down, I wrote down the same thing. I'm like, why is she taking her Santa hat? Why does she have the Santa hat on? And like, oh, she put it on to advance.

Ben (7:33)

Santa.

John (7:34)

And she has this moment of it's supposed to be this kind of parallel of the Grinch idea when then the Grinch has a hat on or something. And she smiles and, but Then it's. But it's a lot stupider because the Grinch actually makes sense.

Emily (7:50)

Yeah.

Ronnie (7:50)

No, because in this case, she's like, huh, I'm wearing this hat. You know, it'd be amazing is if I hit up my horror gay brother and his partner and had them make me an animatronics fat suit. That way I look like Santa Claus and I can dupe an entire resort and make about, you know, $5,000 to pay for, like, one bucket full one. One drop in the bucket for the stupid snowboard academy tuition.

John (8:10)

It all happened in that one second.

Ben (8:13)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

John (8:15)

So she's. They're at the gays. And so they're like, you want us? Another thing of exposition. They're so good at this.

Ben (8:22)

They're like, wait a minute. You're telling us that you want to dress white, man, so that you can be a Santa Claus and get the money for your kid to go to snowboarding school, which you couldn't afford otherwise after you got fired from the Klotz cookie company.

John (8:33)

And I'm like, yep, that's the movie. And where do we start? They're like, this is the dumbest idea I've ever heard of. When do we start?

Emily (8:42)

And we have a montage. And as I'm. I'm like, oh, great, a montage. I was like, oh, yes, a montage. I love it. Well, that's done.

John (8:50)

Yeah, it was really fast.

Emily (8:52)

And I think they need to do a montage. Is a. Is a lot. Is some time on, like, you need at least, I think, 10 different scenarios or shots for a montage. We got three.

Ronnie (9:06)

Yeah.

John (9:06)

I'm really concerned that these gays doing prosthetics aren't going to have to. Don't have enough to do in this city. I can't imagine there's that much horror work.

Emily (9:18)

I agree.

Ronnie (9:20)

Telemarket, telecommute.

Emily (9:22)

I bet.

Ronnie (9:23)

You know what?

John (9:24)

Painting this prosthetic face, I bet you.

Emily (9:26)

They have an Etsy store.

Ben (9:28)

Yeah, maybe. I mean, what. Who has a face scanner at their home?

Emily (9:31)

Listen, Weeks, I don't know, you know.

John (9:34)

That they do marketing scanner.

Emily (9:35)

Maybe I'm. I'm going to AI this and Google it and see how much.

John (9:39)

The one thing I do, the one thing that made sense, you know, you.

Ronnie (9:42)

Know that they work for Airbnb. You know, they're just remote workers for Airbnb. And this is like what they do on the side. And then they have to do how many. How many meetings, how many zoom calls I have to do, where then people come on like, Whoa. Where are you guys at? Well, actually, we're in a resort town. We actually moved here after the pandemic. So you're not in New York with the rest of the team? No, no, we're not with the rest of the team. Every single time you have a zoom call, that's what it goes.

John (10:04)

It did make sense that they had lots of lentils, because that's very gay. Like, they just went to their little.

Ronnie (10:10)

Pantry and a lot of dried goods.

John (10:13)

And a lot of lentils. They stock up.

Ben (10:16)

I love that they just got a lentils.

Emily (10:20)

There are entry level handheld scanners that are around 700 to $1,000. So if this was their job, it's not out of the realm of possibilities.

John (10:31)

How much work are they going to have in this town?

Emily (10:33)

Well, Etsy store is very popular. I guess maybe they have a kiosk in the mall.

John (10:38)

But you know the worst thing about this? All these gays spent all this time and she just goes, merry Christmas. And they're like a little lower. And then she went, merry Christmas. But it still sounds kind of like Margot Kidder at her worst. Like it's not even really low. We can't even.

Emily (10:57)

Kathleen Turner.

Ben (10:58)

Yes.

John (10:59)

Merry Christmas.

Ronnie (10:59)

It actually made me wonder why, why, why did also Netflix not hire an act who speaks in a deeper register? Thank you.

John (11:09)

You would have to audition.

Emily (11:10)

Like, you.

John (11:11)

You would. Had to audition with your Santa voice.

Emily (11:13)

Look, I'm telling you now, Hillary Swank would have sold this movie.

Ronnie (11:17)

Oh, yeah.

Emily (11:18)

Like, we would have believed everything.

John (11:20)

Salma Hayek, Claire Danes. Claire.

Ben (11:24)

This was definitely a terrifying Santa look that they gave her. They put it on her and I.

John (11:29)

Was like this nightmare inducing.

Ben (11:31)

Scary.

Ronnie (11:31)

It's like Norman Rockwellish.

John (11:33)

It is. It's Norman Rockwell. But it was also. She had sparkly eyes behind it like the movie Species. It was so creepy.

Ronnie (11:42)

Natasha Hedge would have been.

John (11:44)

Natasha Henstridge would never.

Ben (11:45)

She would have been good. I wonder what she's doing now.

Ronnie (11:48)

I know she was great. I feel like she should have been more like gay icon.

John (11:53)

She went nowhere after it. Yeah.

Ben (11:56)

Yeah.

Ronnie (11:56)

It's a real shame.

John (11:57)

That's sad.

Ronnie (11:57)

Real shame.

John (11:58)

Hurt.

Ben (11:58)

She could have been something. She blew it. She blew it.

John (12:02)

So maybe she didn't blow enough.

Ben (12:04)

Yeah, the Santa splurt montage. And boom, we've got a Santa. So now we go over to the audition and it talks line. Yeah. They're all holding their headshots in front of their face.

John (12:16)

Who am I anyway? Am I my resume?

Ben (12:21)

I just want a child on my life.

Emily (12:29)

But it's Just job.

John (12:34)

It's just a bunch of winos.

Ben (12:36)

It's just a bunch of fucking.

Emily (12:38)

That's who was in the Dillard's break room.

John (12:39)

He was a total drunk.

Ben (12:41)

The audition for Santa is to just stand there, look slovenly and rosy cheeked and extremely lazy.

John (12:47)

Y', all, all these guys are drunks. Everyone looked like the town drunk.

Ben (12:54)

But you know what? Natasha really needs to think of what it's like on the other side. Like, what is it like for like a chunky white guy? Like, everything's not just handed to us necessarily all the time. And she's just walking up and down the line looking at us like, gross, gross. You're disgusting. Wouldn't fuck you. Get out of here. What is this, a Calvin Klein ad? Why are we being so judgmental to the poor Santas?

John (13:15)

The. The other thing here is she knows it's late in the season. You've got to import a Santa. They should have just started. In this town, there's not that many people you needed to call, like Seattle.

Emily (13:28)

Or didn't have time because he ran off with a Latin lover. So there's no.

John (13:34)

The Santa retired. It was confusing. Santa retired Christmas, which I don't know why you choose Christmas to retire. Retire after your last season. Yeah. Makes no difference.

Ben (13:47)

Yeah, Agreed.

John (13:48)

And. And then so later on they, Matthew shows up and he's like, your email said 4. He's like, you must have misread it. So then you already assume because from her look that she is gaslighting him and she's going to continue to gaslight him to make sure he fails, even though he probably fail on his own because he has no skills to do this. Yeah.

Ben (14:16)

She's doing like weird things to make him fail. It's like, oh, I told you the wrong time. I told you. The email said 3pm and he's like, no, it didn't. It said 4. So really read it again. That's verifiable. He can send that to whoever he wants to. Like, you need to come up with better ways.

John (14:32)

He was going to bumble into this anyway. That's the thing. And later on, the whole thing with he has a problem with public speaking. That was my favorite character flaw. It's like, well, I'm just not good at public speaking.

Emily (14:46)

It is the greatest. It is everyone's greatest fear.

Ronnie (14:50)

Yeah. But they also just like dealt with that in the most half assed way. And like, that's the easiest, like arc you can put into one of these stories is like someone coaching. You have A coaching montage and some like. And he's like, you know, he's like, I hate talking in public. And like, guess what, Tia? You fix that. And then she's like, fine. The next scene, and it's like, oh, I guess we'll just assume that he went through some. Some therapy for that training.

Ben (15:14)

Yeah. But also, if you're gonna have this guy who's a lazy drunk, he's always in trouble, living off his dad's money, and now he has to work at this hotel, make him a lazy drunk drug idiot who's working at the hotel. And then he learned. He learns to be better from the Santa lady. And then Santa learn. I mean, why does he just show up and he's like the perfect employee, coming in at the exact right time and doing everything.

John (15:35)

Well, it comes in, he's not like, hopped up, no track marks, no nothing.

Ronnie (15:39)

Yeah, he's fine.

Emily (15:41)

He's fine.

Ronnie (15:42)

Yeah.

Ben (15:43)

We find a couple more hookers on his arm. Some white paddle.

Emily (15:45)

Again, this was written by a gay man because they don't know how hard it is for women to actually date a guy at this age who's not a piece of shit.

Ben (15:53)

True. Yeah. Now the gays are like, oh, my God, he's in his 50s. He's finally ready to settle down. All right.

Emily (16:00)

Exactly.

John (16:01)

She. She dismisses all the Santas. And of course we have Hugh or, well, we don't know.

Ronnie (16:11)

Alexander walks in, Taylor comes in and addresses Santa, and they're like, whoa. Because of course, Taylor looks like the perfect Santa because.

John (16:19)

Not actually dressed. Now she's not dressed. She's just in a sweater. She's not even in the suit yet.

Ronnie (16:24)

And this is actually her as. As the role of. What we find out is Hugh man. Because Matt is like. Well, she turns around and she sees Matthew and she goes, you. And she goes, he goes, what, Hugh? Because she's like, what's your name? And she's like, I'm not you. I mean, Hugh man. You man. Like, hi, Hugh man. So that's like the whole thing I had. But in the credits, Alexandra, what's her. Breckenridge, she was credited in a triple role. She was credited as Taylor, she was credited as Santa Claus, and she's credited as Hugh man. Oh. For implying that she actually was Santa Claus. Like, that she wasn't. There was like, at some. When. When she became Santa Claus, she actually stopped being human.

Emily (17:13)

Did she got paid three day rates?

John (17:16)

I hope so.

Ben (17:16)

She's gonna. She's gonna eat all. She's gonna eat all of her, all of her chances of winning at the, at the Emmys because she's playing through. She's going to be up against two other characters.

John (17:28)

Also.

Emily (17:30)

Taylor's a unisex name, so you could have just used that name.

Ben (17:34)

You could have still been totally yourself.

Ronnie (17:39)

Like, you so dumb. She's dumb in so many different ways.

Ben (17:43)

Yeah.

Ronnie (17:43)

So, so he is like. But he also, like they're also doing this thing where like he, he sees something in Hugh's eyes because he obviously right here, the whole thing is that he can recognize through eyes. He recognized her through the eyes on the, on the album. And now he's like, think about this, this, think about this guy Matthew, Okay. This is someone who's been on like a lot of drugs or done a lot of drugs because he's like, I'm looking at this octogenarian round man with a beard and for some reason I'm wondering, is it that hot girl I met yesterday?

Ben (18:16)

Yes.

John (18:18)

Could I have a future with this Santa?

Emily (18:20)

Yes.

Ben (18:21)

Could I sit on and this was the weirdest part of the movie was that they built in this thing where he wants to fuck Hugh. Like and he doesn't really understand why he's attracted to Hugh and he just rolls with it. And I loved that for the character that he's just like, I kind of want to fuck this old man.

Ronnie (18:39)

The whole way through.

John (18:40)

He's like, why do I want to fuck this old guy?

Ronnie (18:44)

He's like, why do I feel, feel.

John (18:46)

So comfortable with him that I want to him?

Ben (18:49)

He doesn't have a moment where he's like, oh my God, am I gay.

John (18:51)

For am I gay?

Ben (18:52)

Like he doesn't have that moment. I'll just roll with it. I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to.

John (18:59)

Six year old man I've only. I've wanted to have sex with.

Ben (19:03)

Yes.

Ronnie (19:04)

He just assumes he has like a fractured relationship with his dad. And the reason why he's so able to open up to Hugh, man, is because this guy is stepping in for where his dad wasn't. And that probably explains why he has feel sexual things. Because it's like a whole bunch of stuff being dug up from childhood.

Ben (19:19)

Yeah. And I love that they didn't make it this whole like, oh my God, why am I attracted to Santa? Like, am I gay? Oh God. They didn't make this whole thing. They just made him like, maybe I am. Like, who knows? Maybe. Maybe I'm gonna take it up the butt from Santa and I'm fine.

Ronnie (19:33)

I think he, you know what he does have a moment. He does have a moment where he thinks about it. And this is fast forwarding very far into the movie, but there is a. There is a moment where he legitimately believes that he man is having gay sex in the bathroom. Yeah. And he.

Ben (19:47)

And he.

Ronnie (19:47)

Yeah, he has a look on his face like, in a stall. Always suspected it, but now it's confirmed. And on top of that, now, like, I'm into it. Like, he's going through all those emotions.

Ben (19:59)

Why isn't it me? Like, there was a moment in his face where he's, like, crying, why me in a stall? You know? And I like that for the character.

John (20:07)

Why isn't he. Why isn't Santa giving me the business?

Ben (20:11)

Like, I thought I had something going with Santa, and now he's fucking some stranger in a stall. Like, why is it not me? You know?

John (20:16)

There is a moment, though, where he actually looks at her and it's authentic as fuck. He goes, have we met somewhere? And he's looking at Santa with love. Like, that's honest.

Ronnie (20:31)

Because you know what it is? This is someone who's been. Who's been so fucked up before that he's definitely had conversations with hot girls from the club where he's thought they were Santa Claus. He's like, I know at this point in my life that if I am looking at someone's eyes and I'm feeling something and. But they look like Santa Claus, eventually the drugs will wear off and it will actually be a hot girl.

Emily (20:48)

Also, he has also been so high on drugs that he has let a man blow him.

Ben (20:52)

100. Ben is so wholesome. Because I thought that's what Ben was going to say, too, and he didn't.

Ronnie (20:59)

Well, that's all.

Ben (21:00)

I love that Matthew's here.

Ronnie (21:01)

All the above.

Ben (21:02)

Yeah. He's definitely gotten. Gotten at least a blowjob.

John (21:06)

So.

Emily (21:06)

Yeah. Later he said, do I put my hand on the back of his head? And he did. And he liked it.

Ben (21:12)

Wow.

John (21:14)

So it's the way your voice got low at the end that really grossed me out.

Ben (21:19)

I know.

Ronnie (21:19)

It was, like, a little too real.

John (21:21)

Yeah, it's really gross.

Ronnie (21:24)

So Taylor's like, so Hugh is like, have you ever been to the North Pole? It's been a long sleigh, Rod. So you don't buy hot cocoa, you rent it. I'm like, you know, you're trying to be undercover and you're making a very specific reference to hot cocoa, which is kind of your thing.

John (21:38)

Right.

Ronnie (21:39)

So be careful.

John (21:39)

She's like, santa, you're Slaying me. You got me. And the next day he goes to the bathrooms. Exactly. And at one point he's like, he's like, so. And Natasha goes, so what is it? Is this your Santa? And. And my thought is, the next question is, we haven't seen him in a suit yet. Do we know he actually has one? And. And he goes, or do we have to do a background check, you know, because of laws? He's going to be around kids. Nope, it's all good. No, send them out there. You know, start the kids. Start the line for the kids.

Ben (22:14)

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Ronnie (22:28)

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Ben (22:37)

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Ronnie (22:43)

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Ben (22:50)

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Ronnie (22:57)

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Ben (23:12)

Yeah, I think we keep saying Mongolian cashmere so much when we're talking about Quince that that's what I went for too. I got a Mongolian cashmere hoodie, like a camel colored hoodie. And it's comfortable and it is gorgeous.

Ronnie (23:26)

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John (24:05)

Yeah. Tons of exposition. Guys.

Ronnie (24:07)

Yeah.

Ben (24:08)

So this. This whole thing is like, oh, you better get the billionaire. So then we meet the elf, Jimmy the chief elf. He's a giant. And Jimmy, Jimmy the elf.

Emily (24:21)

What is his time to be saying.

Ronnie (24:22)

Who hurt you, by the way, how many people at this hotel have had to deal with Jimmy nattering away? You know, you order room service, you get the knock on the door, and he comes in and rolls in that table. He's like, oh, how's it going today? It's a beautif beautiful day. I hope you get to go to the slopes. Oh, it's just wonderful times up there. And you're like, get out of here. I want to eat my French toast in my bed. Get out.

John (24:42)

Have you ever been. Have you ever been like a grocery store where there's someone. It happens all the time. In the south, where I'm from, when people take your groceries out, that was a big thing. Like, it doesn't matter who you are. They would never shut the up about your day or their day. And they're like, yeah. And one would start talking to me. It's like, yeah, really? I spent some time, it was a fun night with my girlfriend last night. We went to this Chinese place that we both like, and then we went home, we watched a movie. And I'm like, just saying, when are you leaving? When. When are you stopping? You finally.

Ben (25:14)

Yeah, I'm in Texas right now. That's how it is. And it is hard to get used to it. Because you went in la, people just ignore you, even. And because I'm very Texas in la, I'm like, hey, how you doing? And they're like, please don't speak to me or pretend they don't even see me and just like, keep walking, you know? But here it's like, hey, how you doing? They're like, well, you know, pretty good. I could be better, but I could be worse, too. Let me tell you. My back will not stop it. I used to be a football player. No, you can slam me down on my head. I've always been fine. But now I bend over to top my shoelace and I'm out for three weeks. What's that about? Divorce ain't easy, I'll tell you that. I'm like, I'm sorry I asked.

John (25:50)

Divorce ain't easy. You know, you marry somebody you think is going to last forever.

Ben (25:58)

Good.

Ronnie (25:59)

So that was real. She's on the phone and her. Her brother has basically just said, yeah, this guy's super famous. You should be Attracted to him. And she's like, okay. And then Jimmy is. And Jimmy is like, hey there, Hugh Downs. I mean, the same. It is like a few downs.

John (26:16)

20, 20.

Ronnie (26:19)

Not in the script. And so, so basically Natasha's like, hey Jimmy, show our new Santa to the changing room so we can get into costume. So they go into this like locker room where for some reason like 60 employees are taking showers at the same time.

Ben (26:36)

This was so funny though. This was so funny because this is such a men's locker room. Like a country club, like my dad's country club or whatever. You go in and just all these older guys. They had one guy. What was he doing? Was he.

Ronnie (26:50)

He was putting on deodorant.

Ben (26:51)

He had like. Wasn't it a razor? Like an electric shaver? It looked like he was combing his armpit hair or something.

Ronnie (26:57)

Yeah, he was like it, it was.

Emily (27:00)

I couldn't tell if it was deodorant or a shaver. It was odd.

Ben (27:03)

It was so funny because it is so a men's locker room. Just older guys doing weird old guy things.

Ronnie (27:09)

It's always the. It's always the older guys just in the towel. But here's what didn't make sense to me. We know that there's a thing that like employee locker rooms are a thing. But why was everyone showering? Why was everyone taking like a sauna like this? What I didn't understand was like the, the amount of like nudity, adjacency that was happening. Like why, like I thought I would imagine people changing in and out of like their uniform to pedestrian clothes. But like you all, there were a lot of people bathing.

Ben (27:35)

I thought this was the, the, like the spa or whatever that the guest got to. No, it wasn't. He just had a locker or something, I guess.

Emily (27:42)

No, it's a locker room for. I guess because people been skiing all. Although none of the people in this locker room look like they could ski cuz they all look like they had bad knees.

John (27:51)

But the employee locker room should be in a separate place than the guest locker room.

Ronnie (27:56)

Well, some facilities. This was like employee.

John (28:00)

This is a really nice resort.

Emily (28:02)

Well, they're, you know, the cup budgets. I don't know.

Ben (28:04)

But these were all like old country club guys. I think it was like a resort. I think they were using the resort locker room.

John (28:10)

Yes, that's.

Ronnie (28:11)

No matter what version it is. Whoever is right here, this portrayal of this thing was wrong. Like if it was an employee locker room, why are they all bathing? And if it was like, if it was like A mix locker room. Why are the employees like. And showering with the guests?

Emily (28:26)

This was not Heated Rivalry.

John (28:29)

Yeah.

Ronnie (28:32)

This was cold. Sitting on a bench watching a bad game for re. But, like, so, like, I almost suggested that we.

Ben (28:41)

We nix this movie and just do the first episodes of Heated Rivalry today.

John (28:45)

Oh, my God.

Ronnie (28:46)

I haven't seen it yet. That.

Emily (28:48)

Oh, my God. It's so.

John (28:51)

You've seen it, right? It takes me a long time to get through episodes.

Ben (28:54)

Let's just say that it is so hot.

John (28:59)

I'm like, maybe tonight, maybe.

Emily (29:01)

And it just got approved for season two.

Ben (29:04)

Wow.

John (29:06)

Halfway through, almost.

Ronnie (29:08)

So here's what's also funny.

John (29:10)

I just call someone.

Ronnie (29:11)

So Matthew. So. Okay. I just want to remind everyone of where we've been. I just want to remind everyone of where we've been and where we're going to. Okay, so the previous scene, Santa auditions. Matthew shows up like, we need to find a Santa. Taylor walks. Walks in as Hugh. Matthew sees Taylor and is like, you're gonna be the Santa. Taylor goes outside, calls her brother, and is like, oh, my God, he got this job. The brother's like, whoa, this is crazy. And Natasha interrupts and says, hey, now that you've just been hired five minutes ago, go. Go get changed. She goes in, she gets changed, and out of the shower comes Matthew in a towel. What? How did he get.

Emily (29:49)

Why.

Ronnie (29:49)

First of all, why is he taking a shower in the middle of his workday? And second of all, we just saw him in the room doing Santa auditions.

Ben (29:56)

That's a lot of people.

Ronnie (29:58)

Gotta wash the poor people off me.

Ben (30:01)

That's so funny. I didn't even think of that. But you're standing right next door. He's in a towel, and he's like, hey, small talk, small talk, small talk, small talk. P.S. here's my penis storyline. Not good at public. Public speaking. Here's my wiener. And he drops his towel. She's like, oh. She goes, well, if you're nervous, you could just picture people naked.

Ronnie (30:23)

We also see the. That he got in 2007. These, like, weird triangle tattoos on his back. It's like, oh, this poor actor.

John (30:30)

And they didn't cover those up.

Emily (30:32)

Oh, they didn't have a budget for that. It's. It takes. It's time consuming to cover tattoos.

Ben (30:37)

Yeah, I'm not. That's just not me. I'm just not the kind of person who wears a suit and a tie mask. And then you've done everything in a houndstooth, like, long overcoat. And you've got Republican congressman here. What are you talking about?

John (30:50)

And then he says, can you tie my tie?

Ronnie (30:54)

Which is the creepiest. Like, wait. It's like, wait, you're, you know, you're standing like, naked in front of. You're. You're standing naked in front of a new hire and you're the boss and.

Emily (31:03)

You'Re like, old man started this way to be fair.

John (31:07)

But usually it's not an old man.

Ronnie (31:10)

And also, I want to point out that when he dropped his towel, like the way it was shot, that you see enough of the curvature of the butt to know like, they had to get. They had to give him the little sock. And I'm like, you're shooting a Christmas movie and you have to give your lead actor the sock.

Emily (31:25)

This is very different than a lifetime. We would never get this much lower back upper.

John (31:30)

We're out of Great American country now.

Ben (31:33)

All the Hallmark people are like, clutching their pearls, like, how dare you. We're protesting. Netflix protesting. And almost a penis and a triangle back tattoo.

Ronnie (31:43)

Keep. Keep in mind now that in this, like, rom com, she's already seen his penis. She's already seen his dick. That's kind of a significant thing.

Ben (31:50)

Yeah, yeah.

John (31:51)

And then he said, we know it's.

Ronnie (31:52)

Big because she continues forward on this path.

Emily (31:55)

Well, that is true.

Ben (31:56)

And then you don't only get a sexy. You don't only get a sexy scene in the movie. You get it in this recap. Yeah.

Ronnie (32:03)

Oh. Oh, look at that Bueller.

John (32:07)

Oh, Bueller.

Emily (32:08)

Look at him out like a light. He does look like poodle after a Saturday night.

John (32:13)

That's true. I got my legs cooked up like that too.

Ben (32:17)

When he's laying like that. Okay, go ahead. Sorry.

John (32:20)

The next, the next thing is he says he's like that. He's. And then there's this kind of semi erotic scene of him tying his tie. There's something about it that's extremely intimate.

Ben (32:31)

It is. You're right. And I'm telling you, Matthew is going to this guy. It's crazy. So he's like, what? You tell him. I tell you, old guys are good at that. Right?

John (32:40)

It's so intimate. And. And he's like, what? Your dad never taught you? Taught you to do it? I sound like Billy Bob Thorton doing Sling Blade. So does she meat potatoes?

Ronnie (32:54)

Like, no, my dad never taught me how to do this, despite his pledge to be a better dad to me after mom died.

John (33:00)

More exposition. Taught me how to make money. And he's like, I wish I could talk about this.

Ronnie (33:07)

Like, I guarantee his dad has taught him how to make a tie, like, 12 different times. And this. Yeah, he's probably too high to even remember.

Ben (33:14)

But, like myself, what are you complaining about? Like, I can't keep money. Make money. Like, teach me how to make more money. What are you complaining about, you little brat?

Ronnie (33:23)

And so, like, I'm sure the Thai lesson came with how to make more money lessons. I'm just gonna say they probably were linked.

John (33:29)

They. They proceed to have this kind of weird, porny conversation. He's like, I wish I could talk to him like this. And Santa goes, you know, like, man's a man talk. Like we're doing now. He's like, you know, you just don't feel like a stranger. I feel like we've met.

Ronnie (33:45)

My hamstring is so tight. If only I could get.

Emily (33:48)

Santa was.

John (33:49)

Oh, my groin is really hurting today. Can you just pull back? Oh, your hands are matching.

Ronnie (33:56)

You don't feel like a stranger. Crazy. I feel like we've met somewhere.

John (34:01)

Somewhere.

Ronnie (34:01)

Were you in your punk rock girl band once? No. Santa Claus.

John (34:06)

And then have you been cooking a San Trope bathroom?

Ben (34:09)

No, because they really never. They really never make it. Like, he recognizes her, but he doesn't know from where. They really do make it. Like, I'm just attracted to this old man.

Emily (34:18)

Even though we get the. We get the fucking. I don't know, the. The gun on the wall, whatever it's called.

John (34:27)

Chekhov's gun.

Emily (34:27)

Yeah, yeah. Chekhov's gun. Of a flavored lip balm that falls to the floor.

John (34:33)

Kissable chapstick.

Emily (34:35)

And we so it. Now put a note in it because it comes back again. And then put a. Don't put a note in that, because it's never going to be relevant for.

Ronnie (34:44)

The rest of your life. It does not help them. It doesn't help them.

Emily (34:46)

Not help them at all. But it just gives us a good joke where he's like, oh, you have a lip balm. And he says, says, you drive ready to slay at 10,000ft.

Ben (34:53)

Lucky I have lips and all.

Emily (34:55)

Ho, ho, ho.

Ronnie (34:55)

Merry Christmas. And then what I like is, during this, like, tie. Make this tie thing, you can see that Taylor, the character of Taylor, is like the. I know about doing a tie. I've got a daughter. I never had to do any of this.

John (35:10)

How does she know?

Emily (35:11)

Who works two jobs, who lives in a van and never stops, but when.

Ronnie (35:16)

She'S done, she walks away, and you can see the tie is done.

John (35:19)

No, it's so poorly.

Ronnie (35:21)

And he's like, I was hoping for a paternal moment. But I guess that didn't work out.

Ben (35:25)

Yeah. What I loved was that he was actually mad that the tie sucked. He was like, this old man. I almost blew that guy.

Ronnie (35:34)

I can't believe this. I can't believe this new hire tied my tie badly when I was standing naked in front of him.

Ben (35:42)

Yeah.

John (35:42)

My new eye.

Ben (35:43)

So then we go to this elf. I feel so bad for this guy. So there's a huge crowd gathered for some speech about Santa Claus, which is bizarre in itself. So there's this crowd, and this guy's, like, throwing it. He's like, here's gifts for everyone. Here's gifts for everyone. The bag is this big. What are you giving them?

Emily (36:02)

It's like a Mary Poppins bag. It's like, just refills.

Ben (36:06)

Guys, I've got a surprise for you. We are getting a speech from someone no one has ever heard of before about something no one cares about. Welcome this guy.

Ronnie (36:15)

Yeah.

Emily (36:15)

But again, if they're gonna do this, apparently he's famous, but he's actually infamous. But so, again, because they talk about later, like, you see. Yeah. The brother. Like, whatever. Missed opportunity.

Ronnie (36:31)

So he tries to get this speech to be like, hey, everyone, thanks for coming to the resort. We're gonna light the tree now. So he's like. He's. He and, like. And Hugh have to, like, turn this. This. They're gonna, like, switch candy cane.

Ben (36:49)

But, hey, I don't recognize you in your clothes. You go swimming with any swans lately, loser?

Ronnie (36:56)

Yeah, Hey, I don't recognize you with your clothes because I saw that video that was released of you, and you were naked getting blown by an old guy in Venice before you crash into that statue.

Ben (37:11)

Like a Nick Fuentes fan.

John (37:13)

Yes.

Ronnie (37:14)

In the middle of a.

Ben (37:15)

Of a. Of a hello, welcome, Santa ceremony.

Emily (37:17)

And the epilogue in this movie is that he gets a ticket from Venice from getting blown by that guy. By the Vatican.

John (37:24)

And they're all up on their gossip. They're all up on their international gossip. Like, I read an okay that you were. You were. Been hanging around with Jade. What's her name?

Ben (37:37)

So funny. So, yeah, they. They have to pull a lever to start the tree up, but instead they.

Ronnie (37:43)

Fall over for some reason.

Ben (37:45)

And that makes the lever spark, and it starts the whole tree on fire. With fire. What the.

Ronnie (37:50)

I was like, what is that?

John (37:51)

This was a problem, though. Like, that's the whole thing. This is. This is. This is your electrical issue.

Ronnie (37:58)

I know.

John (37:59)

Didn't do anything wrong.

Ronnie (38:01)

I was like. But also, why is it that, like, why did this happen? They Turned it on and it sparked and went crazy. Like there's. This is terrible.

Ben (38:08)

It's just terrible. Wiring should have been. Natasha did that on purpose. Like she. Yeah, she. She mangled it or something.

John (38:15)

She changed the wiring because she was trying to.

Ben (38:17)

But.

John (38:18)

But it's also just happens because of no reason. Reason.

Emily (38:21)

Yeah.

Ben (38:22)

Over there smirking like, haha, he's gonna get fired because he set the tree on fire.

Ronnie (38:28)

I would have liked her to have schemed a bit more. Like, I would have liked it if the reason why Hugh got hired without a background check was because she. She pushed it through and she told her. Her buddy, like, it's fine because when this blows up, it's gonna all fall on him and then I'll finally get that promotion. But instead she just sort of like endured watching this Nepo baby mess up time and time again, which was actually more realistic. Yeah.

Ben (38:53)

But she just messed with them in dumb ways. She's like, I'm gonna make you do a lot of paperwork.

John (39:00)

I'm gonna lie about an email.

Ronnie (39:02)

Also realistic. Also realistic.

John (39:04)

Can we. Can we say that when Jimmy the Elf just starts going, we wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. When everything is melting down, it doesn't stop the Lenny from a Mice and Men comparisons.

Ben (39:22)

It doesn't help them.

Ronnie (39:23)

No. So Taylor gets home. So Taylor drives you. Yeah. Even though she has full capabilities to change out of Santa, her Santa costume in the van. Because that's what she does the rest of the movie decides. You know what? This time let's drive all the way home.

John (39:37)

I'm gonna.

Ben (39:37)

I'm gonna come home and try to hide from my daughter that I'm dressing like Santa every day. Like, this is the thing.

John (39:44)

So you expect to walk into your home dressed as Santa. What if you see another just. And walk right in to your apartment? What if you saw a neighbor? And so explain that.

Ronnie (39:59)

Well, instead, Doralee comes out. Doralee comes out and she's like, what are you doing in Mrs. Jacobson's van? Which I actually, again, I think that like, Dora Lee is the only one with real layers. Because she's like, she expects that. That rent money, but she's also like, like fiercely protective of her tenants. Like, there's stuff going on in here.

Emily (40:18)

This woman.

John (40:18)

This woman did a whole character bio for herself.

Ben (40:21)

She did.

Emily (40:22)

And their analysis.

John (40:24)

I totally think she's the only one who did it.

Ben (40:27)

Yeah, she sketched it out. You know, like when they draw themselves.

John (40:31)

She like put in the Dalcro's beats and everything. Her Script.

Ben (40:36)

So, of course, she's very Doralee. She's like, oh, wait a minute. What's the gut of, huh? You going to a party? Huh? You're a party, boy. You go. You alone? No, Mrs. Are you alone? I'm Doralee. I'm a super. You need anything? I'm right down the hall from Mrs. Jacobson, okay? Saying, I want to stuff my stockings. Yeah. I want to come down my chimney. Oh, yeah.

Ronnie (40:58)

But the way she sells it is so realistic. I'm like, she is 100%, like, into this. Like, this. This Santa that has some unknown sex appeal. And now two maiden characters.

John (41:08)

Now two main characters want to fuck this Santa.

Emily (41:11)

I know.

Ben (41:11)

I'll set your nose on fire. Reindeer, get in here. I'm going to Prancer your dancer, bitch. Get on your kn. Damn, lady. You're just meeting this creep in a van outside for the first time. Calm down, Doralee.

Ronnie (41:25)

She's into it.

John (41:27)

So Zoe says, this is the best day of my whole life. She's. She's talking. She's at the. The. At the snowboard camp.

Ronnie (41:39)

And I have to say, I'm reading. Ronnie did the notes for both of us, and I'm reading it. So it says, daughter, best day of my life. Nice outfit. The 90s called. They want their board back, bitch. So this bitch says, hey, they want their board back.

Ben (41:58)

Well, she didn't have a name yet. So Taylor sees this, and she's like, oh, don't listen to her. They're just jealous, okay? Oh, God. Stay bundled up. We can't afford trips to the ER and don't put your kid in snowboard camp.

Ronnie (42:11)

She's like, okay, what's wrong with you?

Ben (42:13)

She's like, honey, be careful on your motorcycle on the way to snowboard camp.

John (42:18)

I have a feeling there were some notes originally that people kept saying. I don't know if they remember. They're poor enough, so we need to remind them that their dire straits consist money. It's only Campbell's soup tonight, and we're sharing a bowl, you know, or something like that. That's one of these things. I think they're trying to make the stakes higher, but it doesn't work, because the stakes are snowboarding camps.

Ben (42:42)

Camp.

John (42:43)

That.

Ronnie (42:43)

I would have liked it, especially with kids. I wish. I wish, like, Zoe were, like, a star student, and she got into, like, a hotel management program.

Ben (42:53)

Yeah.

Ronnie (42:54)

It was like, she wants to go to Cornell. That has a. Has, like, a. The number one hotel management program in the country. And she's like, this will get me into Cornell because I'm going to do hotel management. And. But the thing is, like, in order to pay for it, you have to also be an employee or they give preference to, like, people who work at the.

John (43:11)

That would have made more sense than snowboarding. But.

Ronnie (43:14)

And then she could also win.

Ben (43:15)

Very good.

Ronnie (43:15)

She could have worked under Natasha. She could have worked under Natasha so she could be present in the story more and there could be more hijinks and near misses.

Ben (43:23)

I think that's true too.

John (43:25)

I don't know if we would have.

Ben (43:26)

Believed at the discount.

John (43:27)

Yes.

Ben (43:28)

She should have had to work there.

John (43:29)

Yeah. Yes. And so then, like, the, The. That's when the mom says, we're just jealous. And Matthew's like, hey, screaming kittens again. Still calling her that.

Ronnie (43:42)

Hey, screaming kittens to me. I thought he was talking about the kids. I was like, whoa, inappropriate screaming kittens.

Ben (43:50)

Back to snowboarding.

John (43:51)

Doesn't it sound like that's a name for her boobs or something? Oh, look at you with those screaming kittens.

Ronnie (43:57)

I'm a huge fan of your mom. She's like, that's not my mother. Oh, oh, you. You're. Imagine you just assumes that's her child. And. And she's like. Zoe's like, wait, my mom has fans? She's like the most lame person. And look at her lame ass sweater. Am I right, guys? High five. Like that. We still. Ha.

Emily (44:16)

Boy. So she's terrible to her mother.

Ronnie (44:21)

Here comes one right now. So Taylor's like, well, nothing says Happy Holidays like an exploding Christmas tree. I heard, by the way. Yeah, people talk.

John (44:35)

It was all over the newspaper. I saw it on. I saw it on Happening. Now if you. If you see later on, there's this like, Twitter thing that's just called Happening.

Ronnie (44:47)

Oh, yeah, Happening is all of the.

John (44:49)

Art and all of their, like, prop art designs are terrible.

Ben (44:54)

Happening.

John (44:55)

It's just called Happening.

Ronnie (44:57)

It was like. It was like when. When the net came out with Sandra Bullock in 1996. And they were like, this is what the Internet will look like. That's what Happening.

John (45:05)

Yeah, Happening looked like that.

Emily (45:07)

God, I loved that movie.

Ben (45:08)

I love that movie.

Emily (45:09)

I remember thinking, like, one day, my little fat kid self, I went, and one day, am I going to be able to order pizza from my computer?

Ben (45:17)

Yes, Remember that one? They're like chatting on aol. They're like, yep.

Ronnie (45:24)

I was like, must upload a three megabyte file. This is taking forever. They're closing in five minutes.

Ben (45:34)

How am I gonna get this JPEG to the feds in Time.

Emily (45:39)

You see the lines form into the picture.

Ronnie (45:45)

I just received an email that says, netflix, wga fyc. Do we think it's for this movie? Oh, no, it's not. Damn it. I was really hoping they were going to throw this movie into. Into award contention.

John (45:57)

Oh, my God.

Emily (45:58)

Oh, no. That would have been nice. I did get a little blurb that my phone was blowing up earlier. Little aside, John Cameron Mitchell is going to be in the next Omari. Yeah.

Ben (46:08)

Yep.

John (46:08)

That was released.

Emily (46:09)

That's very exciting.

Ben (46:11)

His pictures are very flattering in that. I mean, I figure, like, everyone, they kind of give glamour shots to do that, you know? And John Cameron Mitchell is just like, blank face.

Emily (46:20)

Hey.

Ronnie (46:20)

Hey.

Emily (46:22)

Anyway, but back to real art, not that fucking terrible theater shit.

John (46:26)

No.

Ben (46:27)

Yeah.

John (46:28)

He's like, how about that hot chocolate now? She's like, I'm busy. I'm busy. And then she's like, like, mom. Zoe's like, mom, you're not. You were, like, spent last Saturday night organizing your sock drawer.

Emily (46:41)

You're. And you're a loser and you're fat and you smell like Funyuns.

Ben (46:46)

Let me tell you. By the way, my mom's not busy.

Ronnie (46:51)

And by the way, mom, while you're reorganizing your sock drawer, what was the deal with that book My Secret Garden that you found in there?

Ben (47:01)

My mom's not busy. She's just got to climb up the stairs to the bell tower to frig herself to the My Secret Garden book I found ye.

Ronnie (47:07)

Yes.

Emily (47:09)

So he's like, God bless the outcast when she comes.

Ben (47:12)

Sorry.

Ronnie (47:13)

So the whole. The whole point of this little scene is that she actually, one thing that happens is that Taylor accidentally references something at that tree lighting ceremony that he's like, wait, you were there? I mean, everyone knows about it. So she's showing that she's already having issues living the double life, and that isn't that. And that and the pressure of living.

John (47:32)

A double life one day into it.

Ronnie (47:35)

That will grow and grow and become more and more difficult for her. In a different movie, that would have been better.

Emily (47:41)

In a different movie, that would have been better.

Ben (47:43)

Well, now is a huge part in the plot because Matt has to give a speech, and he is terrified, terrified to give a speech to this town who is obsessed with the Hotel Santa Y. And so he's already been in the news. He found out, so he's got to get up there. And he's like, well, it's a big day. Like, just say the village is open. He's like, the village is Open like, yes, you're good. So now we get to our Santa visits and I thought this was the most creative thing they did in the movie, which I kind of, you know, we were talking earlier, like they have to make Santa some kind of a character, you know. And so I really like that they made her version of Santa. That she's just being honest with the kids and she can't help it.

John (48:25)

I loved this and really. And really kind of honest and more like, like just pragmatic. This is pragmatic Santa, which Santa never is.

Ben (48:35)

Yeah. And cuz Santa doesn't have to deal with the repercussions. You know, Santa is just like a hot guy, you know, in a bar that you one time, he's. He can tell you whatever he wants. He doesn't deal with you pregnant, you know, memories.

Ronnie (48:50)

Well, it's also weird that like Taylor go out running. So Taylor like decides that she is going to like be like, we're getting back to like the Klotz cookie Taylor, where she's going to be joyless and like angry and she's gonna be like, no, you're not supposed to have dreams. You're being, you have, you have like, like whatever you want in life, you can't have it. Be more realistic. Where is this Taylor when she talks to her own daughter? That's what I'd like to know. Her daughter who's at no really good point.

Emily (49:20)

She's.

John (49:20)

She's obsessed with like either not disappointing her daughter and just buying her daughter off with money.

Emily (49:26)

Well, I think she's scared of her daughter because her daughter, she's terrible to her.

Ronnie (49:33)

Yeah, she's preaching pragmatism and frugality to these kids. Like the kids like, I want to have a pony. She's like, well, how about a paperclip? They're like, okay.

Ben (49:42)

Also she's like, what do you want a pony? Yeah, I wanted a pony, you know, but you got to think about the logistics, you know? Where do you live? A apartment. Yeah, I know. Because your mom's gonna poop.

John (49:52)

I know.

Ben (49:53)

Okay. Why are you getting some weight all over the floor? Your mom could barely see. Take care of a child. Have you had a bath today, honey? No, you haven't. Your mother's a loser. You're lucky I don't call social services. Now take a candy cane out of the bucket because that's all you're getting for Christmas. Say thank you to me.

Emily (50:10)

You forgot.

Ronnie (50:11)

Merry Christmas.

Emily (50:12)

Three wise men.

Ronnie (50:13)

Jingle bells. There it is. And like, I wish if Taylor had been this, like, you know, like Penny pinching the entire movie. Like, it would. This would. This would have been perfect.

John (50:24)

Character growth really gelled. But it.

Ben (50:26)

You can see it when everyone else's kids. But see it.

Emily (50:29)

Yes. Make her, like, a huge Santa.

Ben (50:33)

Yeah. I love that. When she told the kids, she's like, get up here, little girl. Okay, what do you want for Christmas? Oh, God. That breath. Your teeth. The plaque. How about a toothbrush? Okay, how about a toothbrush and some floss? All right. Possibly a chastity belt. Because I do not see things going very well.

John (50:49)

You're going to be on the pole in no time.

Ronnie (50:53)

So some child comes running up on and just, like, jumps on her and I guess. I don't know, they have sharp items on their. Or maybe it's poorly. Yeah. Like, some poor. Like, maybe the fat seed is, like, poorly designed. And so all the lentils. It's just, like, horrifying. Yeah. Looks like you're standing far away. It looks like Santa Shad himself.

John (51:13)

Why didn't the kids scream?

Emily (51:15)

Like, I watched very, like, Drew Barrymore and scream with her guts out.

Ronnie (51:21)

Absolutely. And, like, no one. Spoiler. No one is even.

John (51:25)

No one backs it on.

Ronnie (51:26)

No one's, like, even bothered. Bothered. She just gets up and, like, clutches her stomach and leaves. But there's, like, a puddle of lentils. And everyone's like, yes, it happens.

John (51:35)

I have gathered these lentils into a pot.

Ronnie (51:39)

Yeah.

John (51:42)

From into the woods. Yeah.

Ben (51:45)

Girls, back out on this. Out on the slopes, we see the mean girls, like, nice van. What, do you live in a van?

John (51:52)

Loser.

Ben (51:53)

And so, like, problem said, clearly, I'm not the one with the problem. Poor person.

John (52:00)

I kept thinking, what is this bullying going to. What? What. How is this going to pay off?

Ronnie (52:08)

Yeah.

John (52:08)

Yeah. I kept trying to.

Ronnie (52:09)

Well, my. My question is also, like, I almost want to see more of it. I actually. Because I really don't like Zoe. And I actually felt like she needed to be taught. I think she needed to have, like, some life lessons. And I would have liked to have seen more of, like, what the social dynamics were at this. This, like, snowboard academy that's been tacked onto this movie. But we just know that, yeah, this girl is just, like a. She's just like, a bully who just, like, does not like newcomers.

John (52:32)

And there's no clarification of who she is. And.

Ronnie (52:35)

And there's no, like, there's no snowboard. There's no snowboard race or. There's no snowboarding, actually.

Emily (52:41)

Yeah. Yeah.

Ben (52:41)

We never see them snowboard.

Ronnie (52:44)

Like, at least Let there be a race where, like, the two girls have to go face to face or something.

John (52:48)

Like that would have been interesting.

Ronnie (52:49)

In fact, later on, when Zoe gets injured, it should have been that they have a climactic race or a big.

Emily (52:55)

Test and they're, oh, my God, that.

Ronnie (52:56)

Is doing such a good job. And then. And then this. And then this skank trips her or something right before the finish line and she gets injured. And then she feels bad. And then she's like, oh, my God.

Emily (53:06)

That's exactly what should have happened.

John (53:08)

We don't even know if Zoe can actually snowboard.

Emily (53:11)

We don't.

John (53:12)

We don't even.

Ronnie (53:12)

She just has a.

John (53:13)

She has a snowboard.

Ben (53:15)

Yeah. We're just supposed to take their word for it. And I don't personally.

Ronnie (53:18)

And we don't know why it even matters to her.

Ben (53:20)

So then we go back to the best character, the landlady, Doralee. And she sees them coming into the apartment. She's like, Mrs. Jacobson, could you have your dad drop a check by? Never told me you're so handsome. Or single. Tell him I can pretend to be an angel. Just sit right on this tree. That would be great.

Ronnie (53:39)

Yeah. She's like, wearing like this. Her boobs are out now my tongue is double jointed.

Ben (53:43)

Did.

Ronnie (53:46)

And Zo's like, grandpa, we don't have a grandpa. She's like, I don't know. She's crazy.

John (53:49)

She's crazy. Darlene's crazy.

Ronnie (53:52)

She goes, I make a grapefruit cake. Some people don't like that.

Ben (53:58)

I put. Some people don't like it, but I don't know. Are you sure he likes it? I make a great fruit cake.

John (54:03)

Did she. Did she say, like, I put bourbon in it or something like that?

Ben (54:07)

Yeah, Bourbon.

John (54:11)

Her.

Ben (54:11)

And then she slams the door in her face. She's like, God, I need a snack. I was like, oh, my God. They just face. This woman on me.

John (54:17)

This woman made a meal of every single line she had.

Ben (54:23)

She was.

Ronnie (54:23)

I'm like, not even joking. She was so good. I'm not even joking.

John (54:28)

Okay, so now it's, let's see more Santa stuff.

Ben (54:31)

We're to Santa stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Emily (54:33)

Hey, Santa. Hate Santa.

Ben (54:36)

Oh, my God.

Emily (54:36)

Hate that song. Song. Sorry.

Ronnie (54:38)

I don't know what we're. I don't know what we're talking about, but Siri thinks I'm having an emergency right now. Siri was like, if you think it could be serious, I'll call someone. I was like, I'm fine. I'm fine. Just talking about how Great. This actress is.

Ben (54:49)

She got so hot from all the. The Dora Lee talk.

John (54:51)

The Dora Lee talk.

Ben (54:52)

Oh, your heartbeat is going a little crazy there, sir. So now, guys, the news is in. The reviews are in.

John (54:59)

Everybody this year, sad as a flop.

Emily (55:04)

Stop.

Ben (55:04)

It's on the extra dud.

Emily (55:07)

Extra, extra. Sad as not a pedophile. He's just an.

John (55:11)

Santa's really screwed the pooch this year.

Ronnie (55:15)

This just in from Rex Reed. I would rather sit on three pine cones than watch this Santa again.

John (55:22)

Cindy Adams gives it a thumbs down.

Ronnie (55:26)

Leonard Molton says, I kind of liked him.

John (55:35)

The first Leonard Moulton reference of the podcast.

Emily (55:37)

Wow.

Ben (55:38)

We're going to have to fire Santa, aren't we? Oh, my God, what are we going to do? So then we go to Santa at the bar and Matt comes in. He's like, whoa, whoa. Thanks for meeting me, man.

John (55:48)

Yeah.

Ben (55:49)

So, you know, when kids come to Santa, Santa usually says yes. She's like, yeah, and leaves the parents on the hook. Hook. That's how you get credit card debt. Kids will ruin your life.

Ronnie (56:00)

This come from what.

John (56:03)

What is this anger and resentment that she can't say to her daughter? It has to be channeled into Santa.

Ben (56:11)

Yeah, it's.

Ronnie (56:12)

I love it, though.

Ben (56:13)

Like, all her. All her resentments, like, I'm poor now because of that little snowboarding past the window.

Ronnie (56:20)

I just. I just want to say something that I know that we're. We still have six hours more of. Of this recap to go. We do. But I did ask AI to provide a Rex Reed style pan of a terrible Santa. And this is what AI came up with. Bad Santa is naughty in all the wrong ways. This vulgar, witless exercise and yuletide misanthropy mistakes profanity for wit. Depra. Oh, you know, I just realized it's actually reviewing the movie Bad Santa.

John (56:44)

Santa.

Ronnie (56:45)

I'll take it back.

Ben (56:45)

Never mind. Move forward.

Ronnie (56:49)

I thought it was like I was like a bad Santa Claus.

Emily (56:52)

So that's why Ronnie won't do AI because he doesn't know what to ask.

Ben (56:56)

Yeah. Also, you get in trouble, you shouldn't say that. You're gonna get totally stoned to death.

Ronnie (57:02)

For using AI And I will have a prepared response written by AI.

Ben (57:05)

Yes, yes. Chat GPT will tell me how to deal with it.

John (57:08)

Matthew says, well, you know, none of this is your problem. You know, you. You seem. And he's like. And then Sandy, like, you seem a little out of touch. Never had a budget and put food on the table. Table. And so now Santa's lecturing him.

Emily (57:20)

Yes.

Ben (57:21)

Yeah.

Ronnie (57:21)

Yes.

Ben (57:22)

Now Santa's like, rich shaming the guy.

John (57:24)

And he's like, okay, not everything. Not everything they print about me is true. And. And. And send. It goes, yeah, I hear you. Everybody knows who you are, but nobody does. And so now it's this weird waiting for Godot existentialism that we're in, and no one. No one knows where we are. And he's like, you ever have someone significant in your life? Maybe? Well, there's this girl, and her daughter's taking lessons here, and she turned me down. She had her reasons. Like what? Maybe she's just gun shy. I don't know. And. And he's like, it's funny, you know? Like, I don't know. I feel like I can just talk to you everywhere I go. It's like she's right here in front of me.

Emily (58:11)

Here are your two flaming candy canes.

Ben (58:13)

Bam. Ye.

Ronnie (58:16)

Yes.

Ben (58:17)

And I like that there is so much sexual tension here. But doesn't it start to bother her? Like, here I am. I like this guy. I kind of want to bang this guy at some point, but he also wants to bang an old man. Like, should that be a red flag? You know what I mean?

Ronnie (58:33)

Also, like, why is she staying in this costume longer than necessary? Like, I feel like if I were leading a double life and I was dressed as Santa Claus, and I'm not Santa Claus, and I. I'm actually, like, a woman, and. And my boss is a guy who's actually wooing me in my other, you know, version of my life, I would be, like, trying to get away as quickly as possible. I'm not trying to sit in, like, the resort restaurant having flaming candy canes.

Ben (58:56)

Well, also, no one wants to see Santa at the bar drink.

Ronnie (58:59)

That is so true. No one batted an eye in this international cafe that had flags from across the world.

John (59:06)

No one wants to see drunk Santa who's going to, like, have to hold their kids in the next. In the next scene.

Ben (59:13)

Yeah. Ordering flaming canopies. Is that a thing?

Emily (59:20)

But I don't.

Ronnie (59:21)

It was a very strange choice. And so, of course, we all know as soon as we see the fire, we know what's going to happen. Yeah.

John (59:26)

The beer catches on fire, which has.

Ronnie (59:29)

No, no. Oh, it's gonna. This is a problem.

Emily (59:34)

I wanted it to. Because. Because, look, something that Jake and I know a lot about about are cheap wigs. And if cheap wigs catch on fire, they're gonna go.

John (59:44)

They're gonna go up like a Roman candle. Like, there's. I kind of her.

Emily (59:49)

I think it would have been better to have her beard because you could tell it was cheap cgi. I wanted her beard to just immediately. And then for some reason then we've got to do a comedy gift of put something over my face. Maybe there's a pie right beside it and she throws a piece. Or maybe there's a like, mistake guy.

Ronnie (60:07)

Yes. In the refrigerator that she just do the scene. Do the scene.

John (60:12)

The. The other part here is he kind of. He kind of pauses like something's weird there, but there was nothing that gave it away. I think he was. I think he thought there was some beat there that he needed to think. Like, oh, that's strange that that man put the beard. Put the fire in his beard out and then we moved on.

Ben (60:33)

Pretty natural. Pretty natural.

Ronnie (60:34)

I think it's just supposed to be flail. I think it's just supposed to be a comic and does not do anything to. She really close the walls in on the situation.

John (60:43)

Not a physical comedian. And it's a real problem.

Ronnie (60:47)

No.

Ben (60:48)

So then we go have a scene with the gays and she's like, oh my God, I really like him, but what do I do? Oh my God, I'm so scared. And they're all about sister the wife being ethical. Yeah, yeah, exactly. She's like, he's my boss. He's not ethical. All it's not ethical.

John (61:06)

How ethical is to trick the hotel?

Ben (61:09)

Yeah, exactly.

Ronnie (61:10)

Yeah. So they're like, what happened to. What happened to our punk rock sister who once mooned the crowd at graduation? We're like, oh, are we setting up a mooning scene later? Cuz she got lost.

John (61:21)

She got lost.

Ronnie (61:23)

Your chance to find her again. She's like, I won't be able to find her again as long as that daughter of mine still around because she ruined everything. What did I say?

John (61:30)

That she took my money, my body, my. My sex drive.

Emily (61:36)

I wanted her to think she used to be mine in a Santa suit. That's what I want.

Ronnie (61:40)

I just think if you're like a punk a. In a former punk rock band, you also are like repulsed by the idea of your daughter, like going and like doing something like. Like being a snowboarder.

John (61:49)

Flagrantly.

Ronnie (61:50)

Snowboarding is kind of rebellious. It's kind of rebellious. It's like, that's a little rock and.

John (61:55)

Like, little bit too.

Ronnie (61:57)

More too much with like the wealthy people. I feel like if you're a punk rocker, you're like rebelling against.

John (62:01)

Yeah. This person could never be punk. It's just not. Yeah. It's just not her.

Emily (62:08)

She was just like a. I agree.

Ronnie (62:10)

She was. Yeah. She's there was she sort. She's. She's no punk rocker. She's no Michelle Branch. That's for sure.

John (62:16)

She's no Michelle Branch.

Ben (62:18)

So the guy. The guy is like, well, but what happened, my punk rock sister? What happened to her? You should have asked that 10 years ago. What are you asking right now?

Emily (62:26)

Right now?

Ben (62:26)

She's been. She's been a wuss for years, but.

Emily (62:28)

This is your chance to find her again. And so then we're back at the ranch.

John (62:35)

Nobody's in line for Santa. Yeah.

Emily (62:37)

And so she's dressed, and she sees Zoe.

John (62:41)

They went on happening.

Emily (62:43)

And this of a daughter, she goes up, what do you want for your Christmas, Zoe? And Santa goes for my mom to get a boyfriend and get out of my life for real.

John (62:58)

Like, she's like, I want her life outside of me. I want to relax a little bit. She's so serious that.

Ben (63:05)

Oh, yeah, because look at all Zoe's got going on over there. Tell me about sleeping a Santa hat.

John (63:11)

I just bankrupted her with this school.

Ronnie (63:14)

Yeah, hi.

Emily (63:14)

She's in some stupid band called the Screaming Kittens, but she won't talk to me about it.

John (63:19)

I already know all about it.

Ronnie (63:22)

Well, why don't you say something to her? Why don't you say, hey, Mom, I found this out.

Ben (63:25)

Out.

Ronnie (63:26)

So Taylor's like, well, wow, she looks young. She's like, I just wish I knew her back then. She used to. She just looked fun back then. Now she's boring. And boring. Spends her Saturday nights browsing through lands and catalogs.

Emily (63:37)

Oh, boy, my mother had a lot of those.

Ben (63:42)

So the boyfriend or the brother's like, you need to find that girl inside you again. So now.

Ronnie (63:51)

So now Santa is like, like, like back. Back on the job. And you know, she. And still being like, you know, Hugh is still being like, well, maybe you should think about something better, or whatever.

Ben (64:01)

And then.

John (64:02)

But.

Ronnie (64:02)

But this kid is like. She senses that there's something more there. And the kid is like, I wish I wasn't scared of the dark. I have a se. And so then she's like, well, guess what? I have a secret. I'm scared of the dark, too. Especially when Matthew was there, because it gets real weird real quickly.

Ben (64:19)

Yeah, I got glow in the dark, sticky stars. And, like, I'm an astronaut now. I'm afraid of heights because now I'm afraid of suffocating because, you know, you can get a hole in your astronaut hat.

John (64:31)

Boom. And in space, nobody can hear you scream.

Emily (64:39)

But you be the boss of your own fear. Cut to Jimmy the Elf.

Ronnie (64:45)

I know you wanted a pony, but what Santa's giving you is a DVD box set of Aliens Earth. Enjoy.

John (64:51)

Enjoy. What made this change happen?

Ronnie (64:54)

Because she spoke to her own daughter, and her daughter said, I wish my mom was fun again. She won't even talk about her old past.

Ben (65:00)

And then she realized now she's depressed, I guess, so she has to do whatever her daughter relate to a child. Yeah. Also, I just want to point out, I know we've been doing this 10 hours so far, but I just fixed my mic and I fixed it with a pen holder thing, and I was wondering from. From a shaving kit.

John (65:17)

You're a MacGyver. You're Maver.

Ben (65:20)

I'm. I just McGaver that your microphone just.

Emily (65:22)

Broke in the middle of the podcast.

Ben (65:24)

It's just been really loose, and I couldn't tie it without having two screw heads, like two Phillip heads.

John (65:29)

So I. I didn't know you were that handy, Ronnie.

Emily (65:32)

Ronnie's very handy. Ronnie's crafty. I am not crafty. Ronnie is. Ben. You're crafty too, though, aren't you?

John (65:38)

Crafty is different than handy, though.

Ronnie (65:39)

Crafty. Yeah, I'm kind of handy, so don't be jealous.

Emily (65:44)

Yeah, you have big hands together here.

Ronnie (65:49)

Enough about the employee changing room. Am I right?

Ben (65:51)

Yeah. Right. We found the trick here, which is really getting to speak to the kids souls. So, guys, they don't really even need presents. You just. Your kid tells them their trauma because, like, every. It's 20, 25. Every kid is triggered, and every kid has some trauma because they learned about it on Tik Tok. And so now that's what Santa does. He fixes your traumas.

John (66:10)

This is such. This is. This is where the moment in the movie where I was like, so Santa's supposed to talk to the kids and see their soul.

Ronnie (66:20)

You know, it's very. Gen Z. Gen Z wants that. It's just like, so. But now Natasha is, like, getting frustrated because Natasha was like, oh, I was hoping this would blow up. So now she's gonna have a hostile moment with Matt. And Matt, Matthew's like, hey, Natasha, where are the invitations for the Christmas party? And she's like, on your desk. He's like, I don't see them. She's like, yeah, because you're totally untalented and capable of doing anything. They're hard to miss. And by the way, invoices for the supplies and work orders and New shift schedule and taxes and synergies, et cetera. Corporations.

Emily (66:48)

Yes. And I need the SEO and the Q immediately.

Ronnie (66:53)

Options are going down.

John (66:55)

This is so. This is so. Did you get a slack yet?

Emily (66:58)

This is right on top of that rose.

John (67:01)

Awful things to do to this poor. To do to poor Tia Mowry. We'll make her do this.

Emily (67:06)

I know, but Matthew gets a little quick. I guess he's starting to feel his gayness with being attracted to Santa. Cuz he said. By the way, I checked the email and you did say it was 4pm Tongue.

John (67:23)

The shade button. Yes.

Ronnie (67:25)

So then, so now by the way, there's the assistant's like, guys, look, Santa has a line now. Everyone immediately left what they were doing all over town and rushed over here to therapy.

Ben (67:39)

A new headline just came out. Free therapy for your trick or traumatized little loser.

Emily (67:43)

You gotta check happening on Twitter. Check happening.

John (67:47)

Don't take your kids to therapy. Just take them to sex.

Ronnie (67:49)

Hannah, it turns out the kids aren't traumatized. They just have the Gen Z stare they're staring off. I just have to connect with them.

Ben (67:56)

Connect, okay.

Ronnie (67:59)

And connect with them.

John (68:01)

And then he asked the girl, what's your Christmas wish? And the girl goes, she has a stutter. And. And he's like, well, I've heard that singing can help. I don't know where she gets this. It's like, let's try to get together.

Ronnie (68:17)

So you think, oh, here's what's going to happen. They're going to start singing and then she's going to accidentally sing and then her. Her ladylike voice will come out and they'll be like, what? What? What was going on with you? And like, sorry. Whoops. No, no, they just. They just.

John (68:29)

Jingle bells, jingle bells. Now this is when Jingle Bells. Everyone starts singing in 84 keys at once.

Ben (68:36)

Girl, I was wondering how you were dealing with this because you're a musician and this pitch was just like, okay, so she doesn't stutter, but she's just made us all deaf, so it doesn't matter if she stutters at this point. Cuz we tail.

Emily (68:48)

It was awful.

John (68:49)

This was a crime against music. First of all, I hate the song Jingle Bells. I despise it.

Ronnie (68:56)

It's not great.

John (68:57)

It's not even a Christmas song, okay? Nowhere in Jingle Bells references Christmas. It's just about sledding.

Ben (69:04)

Yeah. How about a little away in the manger for the stutterer? You know what I mean? Like, give her a chance to shine In a manger.

John (69:11)

No grave for a bed.

Ben (69:15)

The little baby Jesus went down on. I forgot the words. But I really love baby Jesus. Lisa Barlow.

John (69:26)

Yes.

Emily (69:26)

No. Oh, I knew it was Lisa Barlow.

Ben (69:29)

Yeah, it's away in a manger. Jason had a bigger manger than Jesus did.

Emily (69:34)

I'm just saying.

Ben (69:35)

It's not a competition.

Emily (69:37)

He came in a Porsche. Four Porsches.

Ben (69:40)

It was four Porsches.

John (69:42)

Kayla.

Ben (69:44)

There were like three, but they weren't even that wise. Okay, here's who came to see baby. Baby Jesus. Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, and Hume Cronin.

Emily (69:55)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Ben (69:57)

I'm sorry. I was talking about my Vita bar. Sorry.

John (70:04)

And that was your part three. We will see you again next time.

Ben (70:08)

For.

John (70:08)

For part four, this has been Poodle wishing you a fun day. And we'll see you next time.

Ronnie (70:18)

Watch. What Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King. It's always a party on Allison block.

Ben (70:26)

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Ronnie (70:28)

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Ben (70:36)

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Ronnie (70:45)

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Ben (70:58)

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Ronnie (71:02)

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Ben (71:05)

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Ronnie (71:24)

This is living with Michelle Vivian.

Ben (71:27)

I love cover your Olivia Williamson.

Ronnie (71:30)

She sure is swell. It's Raquel.

Ben (71:32)

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Ronnie (71:34)

Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. Let's share with Sharon Eldridge.

Ben (71:39)

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Ronnie (71:43)

Make way for A.J. lopez.

Ben (71:45)

She's VVIP. It's Amanda V. Can't lose when you're with Amy Baldwin.

Ronnie (71:50)

Somebody get us 10cc's of Betsy MD.

Ben (71:53)

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Ronnie (71:56)

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Ben (71:58)

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Ronnie (72:06)

Who, what, why, where? And Gwen Pentland.

Ben (72:09)

Let's go into the woods with Guy Tubbs.

Ronnie (72:11)

Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. Hail the cork master. The master of the cork, Jennifer Corcoran. We got our wish. It's Jen Plish, my Favorite Murdo Karen.

Ben (72:21)

McMurdo She's a total knockout It's Katie.

Ronnie (72:23)

Manock in the study with a candlestick It's Leslie Peacock G it's Lisa H. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Baron she's a whiz It's Liz Sarthi, always killing it It's Lola Al Kalani.

Ben (72:36)

The incredible edible Matthew sisters she eases our woes it's Melissa St. Rose there's a chance of meatballs It's Rebecca Cloud.

Ronnie (72:44)

Maximum love for Sandy Maximoska she's the queen beyond It's Sarah Lemke we cannot.

Ben (72:50)

Tell a lie It's Sarah tell of.

Ronnie (72:52)

Son Shannon out of a can and Anthony please don't stop at solely and pop let's take off with Tamla plain. You'll always get the full story with.

Ben (73:01)

Tori Parsons she ain't no shrinking violet Coutar. We love you guys. If you like watch what crappens. You can listen ad free right now by joining wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcast prime. Members can listen ad free on Amazon music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey@wondry.com survey.