#3137 My Secret Santa Part Four With Reality Gays

Summary

Podcast Summary: Watch What Crappens – Ep. #3137 "My Secret Santa Part Four With Reality Gays"

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Guests: Jake, Chris, Doralie from Reality Gays
Date: December 30, 2025
Theme: A raucous, satirical take on Netflix’s “My Secret Santa”—examining the film’s absurdities, queer subtext, and Hallmark tropes with a holiday serving of irreverence and camp.

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Overview

In this epic crossover conclusion, Ben and Ronnie welcome the Reality Gays to roast and relive the final act of "My Secret Santa" on Netflix. Through running jokes, playful shade, and plenty of queer-coded commentary, the team revels in the movie’s plot holes, flat characters, and Miss Doubtfire-level antics. The conversation veers from detailed scene breakdowns to broader cultural critiques—especially about representation and the missed opportunities in holiday rom-coms.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Viral Sensation & Plastic Wine Glasses

• The movie kicks off with a “stuttering girl singing Jingle Bells” clip going viral, leading the group to mock the sudden plot turn.
  • [01:12] Chris: “So every one of your kids stutters. Sing Jingle Bells at their face, and that’s all you have to do. It’s gonna cure it immediately.”
• A running bit emerges about Natasha’s sad, plastic wine glasses—symbolizing her post-divorce woes and financial struggles.

2. Insane Plot Devices & Character Inconsistency

• The gang highlights how Natasha tries to do “detective work” but fails at Googling (and has her Social Security number misused by the faux-Santa), pointing out plot holes and farcical script choices.
  • [09:07] Doralie: “You can do Alexis Nexus search really easily.”
• The main love interests, Taylor and Matt, bond awkwardly over trauma and misery, never developing believable chemistry.
  • [08:16] Jake: “Yeah. So they decide they’ve got some kind of chemistry because they’re both miserable at heart. Right?”

3. The Lip Balm Clue & More Subtext

• An entire (unrealistic, hilarious) clue chain about unicorn lip balm—Matt, a straight man, noticing Taylor’s lip balm and connecting it to her disguised identity.
  • [10:53] Chris: “That is quite true.” (referring to how only a gay man would notice lip balm details).
• The podcast doubles down on the film’s palpable subtext: “Evidence of group that this was written by a gay man.”
  • [10:42] Doralie: “A straight man is never going to notice what type of lip balm a woman is.”

4. Queer Coding & “Gay Bathroom Stall” Comedy

• The bathroom stall “quick change” scene is dissected for its playful, almost explicit gay sex misdirection—one of the episode’s highlights.
  • [32:18] Jake: “‘Just stay still for two minutes. It’ll get easier.’” (Mocking the farcical stall sequence)
  • [33:14] Ronnie: “He’s like, we’re both bottoms.”
  • Queer subtext and sexual confusion run rampant: the team imagines Matt being jealous he’s not included in the ‘Santa’s gay bathroom party.’

5. Bullying, Redemption, and ‘Hurt People Hurt People’

• The bully subplot devolves into clichés and is mocked mercilessly.
  • [20:57] Chris: “Kids just don't open up to a stranger and start talking like this. Especially Santa. And especially a kid who's an asshole and who's angry.”
• The “hurt people hurt people” moral is lampooned for its forced emotional payoff and Hallmark formula.

6. Missed Stakes, Rushed Reveals, & Ineffective Villains

• Natasha’s last-minute attempt to “out” Taylor/Santa for fraud fizzles due to weak writing and lack of development.
  • [35:14] Doralie: “They gave her nothing. And it was like very unrealistic that she sort of sat on this information so late…”
• The plot stumbles through reveals—the bully turns nice, and identities are exposed Scooby-Doo-style.
  • [39:01] Doralie: “It’s not the big reveal they’re hoping it will be. It’s not like just one of the guys. When...she’s got tits.”

7. Riffing on Demographics & Lack of Substance

• Criticism of faux-progressive moves: missed opportunity for Tia Mowry to play Santa, tokenizing the only Black women in the cast.
  • [37:23] Doralie: “They would never hire a black Santa in this hotel. Absolutely not.”
  • [37:57] Ronnie: “And there’s all these white people who are caretaking capabilities, no skills whatever, who just fail upwards…”

8. Clumsy Resolution & Christmas Clichés

• The ending is rushed and contrived: Zoe’s hospital scare is resolved (she’s fine), the “villain” gets sent to London, and Taylor’s motherly redemption lands with a thud.

  • [43:34] Chris: “You were so embarrassing as a pup. As a—yeah.”

• Doralie (the landlady) delivers heartfelt lines, unexpectedly providing genuine emotion among the satire.

  • [44:24] Jake: “‘Am I going to get sued for…me and I’m just an old fool?’” (mocking her vulnerability)
  • [44:45] Doralie: “Because they never paid rent.”

• Doralee ends up with the wealthy hotel dad, offering the only satisfying payoff:

  • [54:39] Ronnie: “She winds up with the richest guy. Good for her.”

9. Critique of the Genre & Closing Thoughts

• The hosts agree the film lacks heart and authenticity compared to other holiday films—even “Hot Frosty” or the Lindsay Lohan vehicle.
  • [55:44] Doralie: “I even like parts of Hot Frosty.”
  • [56:02] Jake: “It took place at Christmas, but other than that, it didn’t really even have anything to do.”
• They lament the neutered, paint-by-numbers approach—acknowledging hints of a “more adult” or queerer movie that didn’t materialize.
  • [57:27] Chris: “Yeah, I agree.”
  • [57:34] Doralie: “You please nobody, big boy.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments by Timestamp

• [01:01] Jake: “The top search on Google that week was ‘Stop my fucking kid from stuttering.’ And now she has just gone viral.”
• [10:42] Doralie: “A straight man is never going to notice what type of lip balm a woman is.”
• [32:18] Jake: “Just stay still for two minutes. It’ll get easier.”
• [33:14] Ronnie: “He’s like, we’re both bottoms.”
• [39:01] Doralie: “It’s not the big reveal they’re hoping it will be. It’s not like just one of the guys. When...she’s got tits.”
• [37:57] Ronnie: “And there’s all these white people who...fail upwards. And it’s like, ‘Hey, you, lady who used to work at the cookie company, you have a great idea. We’re going to give you a high position in this hotel.’ And Natasha is the only one doing any sort of work. No one’s paying attention to it.”
• [54:39] Ronnie: “She winds up with the richest guy. Good for her.”
• [57:34] Doralie: “You please nobody, big boy.”

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Memorable Segments

[10:11–11:05] The “Unicorn Lip Gloss” Clue

Riffing on the implausibility of identifying someone via lip balm, and the script’s “gay male” energy.

[32:26–34:09] The Bathroom Stall “Gay Sex Farce”

A centerpiece of their satire, this is where the Santa quick-change sequence devolves into a queer-coded entendre extravaganza.

[37:14–38:22] Racial Subtext & Class Critique

A punchy dissection of how the Black working women in the movie are sidelined, while privileged white characters fail upward.

[44:24–45:23] Doralee’s Bittersweet Monologue

Shifting briefly into pathos, Doralie’s speech lands as unexpectedly affecting amid the snark.

[55:44–58:00] Final Thoughts – Genre Lamentations

Hosts express fatigue with soulless holiday movies and advocate for a queerer, edgier, or more heartfelt take.

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Overall Tone & Style

• Irreverent, campy, self-aware, and at times surprisingly affecting.
• Hosts alternate between affectionate roast and exasperated critique—honoring the time-tested tradition of “mock because we love.”
• The episode is loaded with reality TV and gay pop culture references, quick improv bits, and meta-commentary on representation.

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For the Uninitiated

This episode is a fast-talking, queer-leaning, podcast roast of a mediocre Netflix Christmas movie. The crew’s main takeaways:

• The film is both aggressively bland and accidentally hilarious
• Queer subtext and sexual innuendo bubble beneath the holiday cheese
• Character choices and plot mechanics are inconsistent, rushed, and at times, unintentionally campy
• The real heart? The fun, fellowship, and savage wit of a Crappens/Reality Gays crossover.

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If any part of the episode became a new holiday tradition, it’s the annual ritual of watching bad Christmas movies—together, as friends, and finding the gay in everything.

Transcript

[Ronnie]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Watch what Crappens ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Watch what Crappins. Watch what Crappins. Guess what happens when there's so much that happens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens?

[Jake]

Foreign.

[Ronnie]

Welcome to the epic conclusion of the Reality Gaze Watch, or Crappens crossover experience as we recap My Secret Santa on Netflix. And now, without any further ado, the last part of our epic recap. So guess what? This stuttering girl singing Jingle Bells, it goes viral because apparently the Internet's having a slow week.

[Jake]

I'm telling you, we find that the top search. The top search on Google that week was Stop my fucking kid from stuttering. And now she has just gone viral.

[Chris]

So every one of your kids stutters. Sing Jingle Bells at their face, and that's all you have to do. It's gonna cure it immediately.

[Doralie]

By the way, I am taking these little voice lozenges.

[Chris]

I don't know where this is going.

[Doralie]

I think I accidentally just took a gummy. So I got about 30 minutes here, y'. All.

[Chris]

Wow.

[Ronnie]

Actually, so now the dad is like. The dad's excited. It sounds. He's like, whoa, Looks like we're back on track. We are, Santa. We went viral. So tell Santa that Santa's gonna be our guest of honor at the Christmas party, and it's going to be amazing. Yeah, it's useless. What could go wrong?

[Jake]

Yeah. So then Natasha comes up with an idea. She's like, wait a minute. There is something fishy. Why does. Why does Matt want to fuck Santa? I'm going on Grindr.

[Chris]

Of course she's got a glass of wine with her.

[Ronnie]

That's.

[Chris]

That's. That's the. That's even more.

[Doralie]

You know what bothered me the most? I think when she set the wine on the table, I think the wine glass was plastic.

[Ronnie]

Oh, I noticed that.

[Doralie]

Oh, I hate drinking wine out of a plastic cup. I hate it.

[Ronnie]

But that's her life, though. Yeah. The thing is that she'd been divorced. She did. She got screwed out of, like, a settlement. He hasn't paid his child support, and she's trying to just get that promotion. And she's got these plastic wine cups, and then she's got. She hears about someone in town complaining about the cost of Snow Academy. She's like, I can't even get my glass. Wine glasses. This is the third time this week I've worn this business suit, so.

[Jake]

So this is the first I sleep in this office. This is the first time we see her start to. And it's hilarious. It becomes a running joke for me in the movie. So she's like I'm gonna look something up on this person, but I don't know how. And then we leave to the next scene and Santa's going viral. It's crazy. Everybody's excited. The news is all abuzz. They're interviewing Matthew about it.

[Ronnie]

They're like, you heard it here first. The crowds love him. And Matthew's like. And I love him too.

[Chris]

And there's something when I look at his eyes, I just wanna him if.

[Doralie]

His biggest Achilles hill is that he's nervous to talk in front of people, wouldn't he be nervous to talk on the news?

[Chris]

Suddenly has no problem with he went to Toastmasters.

[Ronnie]

I've been to Toastmasters.

[Doralie]

Great.

[Ronnie]

I. My friend went was, was like doing Toastmasters and she, and I was visiting her in D.C. and she's like hey, just so you know, tonight I've got to go to Toastmasters. So do you want to come? And so I went to Toastmasters and they made me the for that night. I was like the Marshall at arms. Which meant that I had to close the door when Toastmaster started.

[Chris]

Oh great.

[Jake]

Wow, that's a good one.

[Ronnie]

Great story.

[Jake]

And then guess what?

[Ronnie]

I learned how Toastmasters I was.

[Chris]

And then everyone took off their clothes and had a big orgy like in the movie Hair.

[Doralie]

And you were in the middle of a. Of a butt cake.

[Ronnie]

Well doomy. I knew what they were saying. So then Zoe is of course like totally ungrateful. She's like mother, why didn't you tell me about the screaming kittens? There's a little thing called the Internet. Why the secret?

[Chris]

And she's like, I knew.

[Ronnie]

She's like, I don't care. You can look it up on happening, that's fine. But it's my past.

[Chris]

Really.

[Jake]

Like my dad. Fuck you. Do you understand what I'm going through to get you through snowboarding school? What are you coming for me for? I just put you in snowboarding school and now you're coming to me about some 15 year old drama with some loser in a bar?

[Chris]

That was, that was the cheapest shot, to be honest. It was. And, and it's like I actually, I.

[Ronnie]

Actually saved you by never introducing you to your dad. This man told me that he was the cousin of Richard Greco and I believed him and I had sex with him. And that's how you came around Richard Grico?

[Chris]

Yeah, Richard Grico was The hottest thing in, like, 1994 until he wasn't.

[Jake]

I mean, that's just how it goes, though.

[Chris]

Yeah. Isn't that how.

[Ronnie]

God.

[Chris]

Richard Graco.

[Jake]

I'm gonna look him up.

[Ronnie]

Greek. It's not. It's not great.

[Chris]

It's not good. It's not good, Ronnie. I'm telling you now, it sounds really happy.

[Ronnie]

It's not great.

[Jake]

Bless his heart. Yeah.

[Doralie]

You're not.

[Chris]

The hairline wasn't kind.

[Ronnie]

Look.

[Jake]

Look. Neither was the mess.

[Ronnie]

Aging.

[Jake]

God.

[Ronnie]

Aging happens.

[Jake]

But, yeah, it's not the aging. It's the.

[Chris]

It's. It's. I think there was some kind of substance abuse almost.

[Jake]

Yeah, it looks like. It looks sad. Yeah. Yeah, it looks sad. Well, this was fun. All right, everybody. Thanks, Chris.

[Chris]

Devastated.

[Ronnie]

I don't know. I'm sorry. I don't know why I brought Richard Grico into this. But now the Christmas spirit is definitely gone now.

[Jake]

Yeah, it's gone now. So now Matt sits in Santa's chair, which excuse the fuck out of you. Like, what is this guy doing? He's sitting in Santa's chair in the middle of the night. It's not even during business hours. He's got a butt.

[Ronnie]

He has butt on his butt.

[Jake]

So Taylor also comes in and she's like, what are you doing here? I don't know. None of this makes sense, I'm telling you. So she's like, what are you doing here? Santa doesn't start till noon tomorrow. Yeah, then what are you doing here? Why is everybody trying to Somebody in Santa's chair?

[Doralie]

I.

[Ronnie]

Well, no, it's not. That's a story. Don't go there story.

[Jake]

And Taylor taking us back to the clinic counter. He's like, oh, oh.

[Ronnie]

At the Quail Valley Mall. What's it called?

[Chris]

Quail Spring Mall.

[Doralie]

Quail Spring Mall.

[Chris]

Sorry, it's interchangeable.

[Doralie]

It is interchangeable.

[Ronnie]

Named after Dan Quail.

[Chris]

Yes, of course.

[Ronnie]

They're like. We have hereby renamed Little Creek Mall the Quail. Oh, I remember Marilyn here.

[Doralie]

It was a big day at Quail Springs Mall when the Dillard showed up. It was like, literally like a movie. Like Dillard family Dillard's are coming. The Dillards are coming. Oh, God. When the Dillard's a big deal. It's a big deal, guys.

[Ronnie]

Big deal.

[Jake]

Okay, so they flirt while he's in the Santa seat.

[Doralie]

You know where I can get a good hot chocolate? Meaning you're dick.

[Chris]

Drop the hot chocolate shit.

[Doralie]

And so they get a drink walking in town. And this is where we find out he's like, so it's always been you and Zoe. And that's where she just kind of says. It's almost like between sips. She's like, well, I got pregnant in college and had to drop out of school. Her father and then the baby daddy left town and I never saw him again. This is really milky. You know, it's not the cheap stuff.

[Chris]

It's like. And then he. Then he trauma dumps on her and says, yeah, my mom died when I was 15. Didn't handle it well, got into trouble. And she's like, but you were grieving. I wanted to rebel and discuss and discover the world. And he's like. And she's like, and now you're running the place, so why is she so rosy with this guy? But she's like, life sucks, kids. That's what it is.

[Ronnie]

It's called compartmentalization.

[Chris]

Right, okay.

[Ronnie]

Ah, we do know. Like, I think to the people that she loves, she loves and everyone else she hates, you know?

[Jake]

Yeah. So they decide they've got some kind of chemistry because they're both miserable at heart. Right?

[Chris]

There we go.

[Jake]

That's cute. So then we go back to Natasha, who's still trying to Google, and she.

[Chris]

Googles Hue man nothing.

[Jake]

Which is hilarious.

[Chris]

An image search doesn't work either.

[Jake]

I love how many Hue Manns there are, though, because she's like, oh, my God, there's hundreds of Hugh Manns with Facebook profiles. And she does a Google image search of her dressed as Santa. So Santa's come up. She's like, wait a minute, this is unfair.

[Ronnie]

My favorite part. Yeah. As she's later Googling because she Googles for a while. I mean, happenings. Whatever they would call it.

[Chris]

Happening.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, I love that. Like, her first instinct is not to look up the Social Security number that she actually has access to. She's like, let me look up this name. Hugh. Man, you're an employer.

[Doralie]

You can do Alexis Nexus search really easily.

[Chris]

Also, y', all, they have. They have an address. They have an address where this guy's. I don't think it gets to.

[Doralie]

Yes, I think there is direct deposit. What is the name on the checking account?

[Jake]

It is Social Security number with the wrong name. Anyway, none of this makes any sense, right?

[Doralie]

None of it.

[Ronnie]

None of that.

[Chris]

The whole premise falls apart.

[Ronnie]

Well, you know, it also falls Taylor when she's skiing because now they're skiing, because they're dating now. Hey, you're getting so much better. I never would have thought you had a pregnancy that ended your time at Overland. This Is great.

[Chris]

Here's the thing. This is such a fucking red herring because it doesn't need to happen. We never mentioned ski skiing before. We've mentioned snowboarding, but it's just like, this is five minutes we didn't need.

[Ronnie]

And they need to have, like, a date. They need to, like, build their actual, like, relationship.

[Chris]

And we do a record date. We need to do a guitar date, or we do a sing date. Because that's going to pay off later. This does.

[Jake]

It just keeps going. Because now we get to see Matt play in a band somehow. He's in a band. And she's like, oh, my God, I had idea you were so good. And she pulls out the unicorn lip gloss. And he's like, wait a minute, wait a minute.

[Chris]

She's like, we never hear both people.

[Jake]

I want to in this town uses the same lip gloss.

[Ronnie]

He literally goes, that's a popular brand. Like, he, like, gives her this use. And she goes, yep. And she doesn't even think, like, I'll put this away. She's like, huh, huh? And he's like, okay.

[Doralie]

Never talked about again. Also, I want to say this again. Evidence of group that this was written by a gay man. A straight man is never going to notice what type of lip balm a woman is.

[Chris]

That is quite true.

[Jake]

Never ever, ever, ever. But that's why they made it a unicorn lip balm. And they even gave it a little unicorn head. And he picked it up off the floor the last time and looked at it and kept it. He pocketed it.

[Doralie]

So yeah, he did keep it.

[Jake]

I think he. See, it's like pulling a jack in the box out of your. Oh, she doesn't. Spencer.

[Ronnie]

You know, she doesn't even actually know why, because the first time she doesn't realize that she lost it. But also, like, why is she using such like a, like, lip balm that's like, sold at Claire's Boutique? Like, what?

[Jake]

Yeah, like, she gave up, like, all joy, like, childhood joy years ago when she got pregnant. Yes.

[Ronnie]

But I also love that, like, this does not connect any dots for him whatsoever. Not now, not later.

[Jake]

Or he should have pulled it out of his pocket because he kept it and been like, wait, see, I found this. You had this. You know, there we go.

[Ronnie]

This moment is interesting.

[Doralie]

You know what? When he saw the two men in the bathroom, maybe he should have seen the unicorn lip balm on the floor or something like that. I don't know.

[Ronnie]

Well, either way, this moment is interrupted because the guy on stage is like, hey, everyone, I want to give a shout out. Because he had already. He told his friend on stage. He goes, his friend who all of a sudden he knows when this, like, this guy's like, this super famous billionaire who's, like, traveling around, but now is, like, friends with the head of this, like, this guy who had, like, a piercing, by the way, which I thought was very provocative for a Christmas movie. This guy had, like, a nose piercing. I was like, wow. Oh, in a holiday movie as people. Too much.

[Jake]

Guys, when did we take the Christ out of Christmas? Carry on.

[Ronnie]

So he's like, hey, I want to give a shout out from the band Screaming Kittens. It's Taylor coming up and do a song.

[Chris]

Taylor.

[Ronnie]

And they're like, come on, you got to do it. It's Vertical Horizon. Sing with them. It's the Coll I know.

[Jake]

The whole town's like, oh, my God. Yes. It's Sailor from Screaming Kittens.

[Ronnie]

She's like, what? No, you don't understand. And she runs out like Cinderella, but she leaves her lip gloss behind. She is very careless with her lip gloss. I mean, you know what? Maybe that's where the rent money's going. All the stuff.

[Jake]

We see how terrible she is with money.

[Doralie]

She buys more lip balms than Poodle. And that's saying something because she lives.

[Chris]

A lot of lip balm. He loses, guys.

[Jake]

By the way, my lips are so smooth right now.

[Doralie]

Oh, that's great.

[Jake]

Three hours later, I've exfoliat.

[Doralie]

They're definitely plumper.

[Ronnie]

Well, Matt, Matt. Matthew goes running out and he's like, sorry. People were excited. They actually cared. Whatever. She's like, no, no, don't worry. I'm just traumatized. He's like, look. But it's. It's right. It's like riding a bike. She goes, what, being traumatized or, like, singing?

[Jake]

Both.

[Ronnie]

She's like, no, no, no.

[Doralie]

Anal.

[Jake]

It was my dream. My dream, my life. I had to give it up when I had that wretched child Bills. Had to take a crappy job putting Santa faces on Santa's to put food on the table. You just don't get it.

[Ronnie]

And it's not your fault.

[Jake]

Rich person in a bad rug.

[Doralie]

Can you let me understand? I'd rather be with you and no one but you.

[Chris]

You're never going to like me.

[Jake]

It's like, I know I don't get being poor, but can you let me try? We can roast some wieners over a trash fire.

[Chris]

I can do it. I can put dirt on my face. Oh, I don't know.

[Jake]

We can hop train Cars together.

[Chris]

Exactly. I can put beans and we can eat them on fire.

[Ronnie]

We could steal a sheet from room 205 and use it for our bindle.

[Chris]

Exactly. And carry around like a hobos together.

[Jake]

Yep.

[Ronnie]

You don't understand. I had a. I was into music, but then I had a child, and then I just had bills. Bills, bills, bills. Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills?

[Jake]

I'm sorry. I just can't sing anymore because of the trauma.

[Doralie]

Because of the trauma.

[Chris]

Then she says, I don't think I can do this again. You mean the time I assume she's been celibate since she had a daughter.

[Jake]

And that's what she makes it sound?

[Doralie]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Yeah. And so she's like.

[Ronnie]

If she's like.

[Chris]

We had to understand her having bad relationships. Men we've had. We've known none of them. If we met, like, four ex boyfriends in the town, we would get it, like, oh, she's just really bad at relationships. But no, it's only one.

[Ronnie]

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm sorry to leave this romantic date in the. A very brightly lit restaurant with dorm room furniture, but I have to go now.

[Jake]

Anyway.

[Ronnie]

Now, meanwhile, back at Natasha's land, she's still. She's still googling. And guess what? She found something. It turns out the Social Security number belongs to someone named Taylor. And she's like, aha. I figured it out.

[Doralie]

Taylor, a latte boy.

[Chris]

Taylor, coffee brings me joy.

[Doralie]

Sorry, Deep musical theater nerd Joe.

[Chris]

Really not that deep. But, Ronnie, you know that song, don't you? It's this awful thing that people use, musical theater girls.

[Doralie]

I think it's deeper than you think. I think only musical. Taylor the latte boy.

[Jake]

No. Terrible song.

[Doralie]

Oh, God.

[Chris]

It was.

[Jake]

What's it from?

[Chris]

It was. It's a standalone song. Standalone song called Kristin Chenoweth. Made it really popular, and then every girl wanted to sing it in auditions. It was like, there's a guy who now works at Starbucks. And it's very inspirational, and he's very inspirational. Taylor, the latte boy Brings me java, brings me joy Taylor the latte boy I love him, I love him, I love him. It was during that time when musical theater was like, you kind of had to speak it and everything was like new. And then you had a big note go. And everything is great because I'm still demure and a girl. Oh, God, I want to throw myself down a fly of stairs when I hear it. But, yeah, I would keep going.

[Doralie]

I'm sorry. I didn't know that was going to get so gay. And I apologize. We need to move on.

[Jake]

No, no. I loved it. I love piece of the.

[Chris]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ronnie]

So back at the. At the apartment building, a door lead knocks on the door and she's like, so, Taylor, you didn't tell me your dad is Santa from the viral video on the Internet. I know he's not real, but he's good enough for me. I'm not picky. Okay, Mama horny.

[Jake]

Your daddy wrap some gifts and shove them up my tree. Honey.

[Doralie]

I've got. I've got doxy. Taylor, it's going to be a good Christmas. And a fresh batch of gingerbread. I made it with scotch.

[Chris]

And then she says, I gotta go check on Zoe. How old's your kid? She's not eight.

[Jake]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ronnie]

She's in snowboarding academy.

[Jake]

Tell your daddy I can take his pole up my south.

[Chris]

My south mouth.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Doralie]

Meanwhile.

[Chris]

Oh yeah. She gets at her guitar. That's a really big moment.

[Doralie]

I forgot about that.

[Chris]

Thank you.

[Doralie]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Big moment. But she.

[Ronnie]

She gets into her closet. She goes into her closet. She's like a closet. She has a closet.

[Chris]

Metaphorical music.

[Ronnie]

And she pulls out her. Her old guitar, which somehow her dumb daughter never was. Like, mom, why is there like electric guitar in the closet?

[Chris]

Right?

[Ronnie]

So she pulls it out.

[Doralie]

And you.

[Ronnie]

Know, in her mind she's thinking, someday, someday I'm gonna get back to singing Rockin Rudolph.

[Chris]

I gotta say, that last song was one of the most disappointing things about the movie. I was just kind of like, I agree.

[Jake]

Going back to Rudolph.

[Chris]

Yes.

[Jake]

The next Rudolph the latte boy.

[Chris]

Rudolph the latte boy. Your nose is red. Can you me with it?

[Jake]

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

[Chris]

The next day, I think now the kids are sorry. Heckling the main bully kid. It's just heckling Santa. Now. This kid is unredeemable.

[Jake]

Truly.

[Doralie]

She's.

[Ronnie]

She's. She is just a little nasty piece of work.

[Chris]

I know.

[Ronnie]

And like, where are you supposed to be standing?

[Chris]

Is supposed to be the North Pole, you fat. That.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Piece of wood.

[Doralie]

Yeah.

[Jake]

And her. Her disses are so bad too. She's like, aren't you supposed to be in the North Pole letting up your sleigh?

[Chris]

Like.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Aren't you supposed to be like. He's like, how do you know that? He's like, I'm Santa. That is a line they use all the time. That I know everything.

[Jake]

That's her recurring little urchin.

[Chris]

What's your Little delinquent I got. And it's like, there's a girl I didn't see something I didn't like.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. And I like that. I like that. Taylor's like, well, guess what? Being a teenage girl is tough. And I know. And then the bullies, like, it was like, what.

[Doralie]

What. What are you.

[Chris]

What? This is when we proceed to get a lot of backstory about a character we don't really know.

[Jake]

And basically she's like, my mom never spends time with me, and I'm lonely, and I'm a. Because I have mommy issues. We're like, oh, thanks for the plot.

[Ronnie]

My dad's. My mom works somewhere nearby, but we don't know who she is. And I'm angry because I'm not getting enough attention. So I'm acting out and going after the new girl at Snowboard Academy. I'm mad.

[Chris]

And so the. The. The level of self awareness this bully has is absolutely ridiculous.

[Doralie]

Also, it's ridiculous that I remember when I was doing, like, counseling and I had to work with teens, which was fucking. And Jake knows from teaching, kids just don't open up to a stranger and start talking like this. Especially Santa. And especially a kid who's an. And who's angry.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

And the kid is also, like, very, like. Like, she's, you know, the.

[Jake]

The.

[Ronnie]

You know, Taylor's like, you know, I know a girl who never met her father that's, you know, that's Zoe, whatever. And she's like, you know her. She's like, yeah, I know. And she goes, did Zoe tell you that I'm a bully? No bully ever says that.

[Chris]

No. No bully ever thinks they're a bully.

[Doralie]

No maleficent stitches. Male. Still think she was right?

[Jake]

I saw the movie. She was. She was right.

[Ronnie]

Was. They always are right. All of them.

[Jake]

Yeah. So Taylor's like, oh, I don't think you're a bully, kid, but sometimes hurt people. Hurt people.

[Chris]

Oh, my God.

[Jake]

Someone keeps stealing Santa's lip gloss. Okay.

[Ronnie]

It's very, very hurtful, by the way. What? Santa offloads their problems on some kid. Santa's been hurt, too. You know, Santa hasn't had it easy. Santa wanted to be an accountant, but somehow wound up with this job.

[Chris]

And sometimes Santa just sits in his armchair and drinks a whole bottle of scotch at the end of the night and thinks about what could have been. So I heard, too, kid.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. Everyone said, no, you can't do that.

[Doralie]

To get over behind us, our hurt.

[Chris]

And put it behind us. What kind of is this?

[Doralie]

Don't think about it. Oh, Merry Christmas. It gave up on a midnight.

[Jake]

Oh, let's make two wish ask that little stuttering tramp to never see you again because that was painful.

[Chris]

Okay, can I also point out this is so late in the movie that it does. We should be barreling towards the end of the movie here.

[Ronnie]

But what. Well, what happens is that by talking to this is like, you're not. So by talking to this little brat, you know, Taylor is really talking to herself by saying it's time for us to put our traumas behind us. She's like, oh, by talking to this little brat, I'm realizing how boring it is when people talk about how upset they are their trauma. I've decided I'm not going to be like that and decide to be nice to the hot guy again. So she goes back to Matthew and brings him coffee. I mean, Hako. And she's like, delivery. Here's some hot cocoa.

[Chris]

God forbid we drink alcohol in this movie.

[Ronnie]

I know. Or even caffeine.

[Chris]

Yeah, so.

[Ronnie]

So they're like, well, I guess this is a date, right? I'm sorry about that. It's just trauma. And you sort of like, kind of like did. Did sort of step on a big boundary for me. I mean, you try to have me sing on stage and you're the one who has stage fright. So you sort of volunteered me for something I never asked for in the first place. So I would apologize. We should apology. But here's like a hot cocoa in the meantime.

[Jake]

Yeah, I do love his stage fright storyline. While he's also a guitar player in an amazing scene, nothing works.

[Chris]

Nothing actually helps. No.

[Jake]

So they decide that they're friends again. And he's like, he's like super kind of upset with her. Like his big doughy eyes. He's like, oh, I've been so hurt. Shut the fuck up. You just ran into like every statue and drunk drove in Italy. Like, I don't want to hear it from you, you whiny fucking man. So now guess what?

[Ronnie]

Time to set it back three. Yeah, well, she said time to set it back three. Because he's like, hey, I'm glad that we're finally reconciled. You've got to come to the holiday party. And she's like, absolutely, I will 100% be there. And he goes, good, because now you can meet our Santa Claus because he's the best. And she's like, What?

[Chris]

Cue the Mrs. Doubtfire restaurant scene.

[Jake]

Yes, exactly. So we're going into the Miss Doubtfire portion of this event and we go to the Christmas party, which is in a big hotel office room or whatever, and she's like, oh my gosh, I don't think I'm going to fit in here in this hotel meeting room.

[Doralie]

Can I just say, you, dress looks terrible. It is this. And it's this lacy wrap, the shrug. And later even at the end they have her in a red sweater with like pearl applique on the shoulders. They dress her like a six.

[Chris]

I was going to say she looks like she's from.

[Doralie]

Yeah, she looks terrible. God damn, it's a travesty.

[Ronnie]

She's like, I don't know if I'm gonna fit in with all these bland people. I mean, I know you would have thought I would considering I just walk around wearing generic cashmere sweaters, but I just don't know if I can fit. And so then dad's like, big announcement everyone. Thanks for a really good Santa Claus. We've sold out the Christmas season from some people who hadn't had plans and decided last minute they had to stay in the hotel where there's a really good Santa.

[Jake]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris]

And for the next three years because people really are jazzed about getting their kids to see a good Santa who solves their problems.

[Doralie]

Who solves their problems cheaper than therapy.

[Chris]

This is all dialogue that was said, by the way.

[Jake]

Yes.

[Ronnie]

So the dad's like, oh well, Matthew, who is this lovely young lady in the ill fitting dress? And she's like, oh yeah, well, my name's Taylor and we met at a very reputable record store. And reputable, in fact, not even reputable. And we appreciate, you know, because we appreciated vinyl and punk rock and things like that. Dad's like, what, a record store in this town? I'm gonna root it out and get it out of here. There needs to be a chocolate.

[Jake]

Chocolate. More hakoko.

[Chris]

The more you go to record stores. You can lead to danc. Dancing leads to Satan.

[Doralie]

And Tia Maui's just sitting or standing there glaring at her. And Taylor's like. And they're like, wow, I wonder when Santa's going to get here. And she's like, oh yeah, I'm going to go freshen up. So then it's already problematic that the gay is being put into the bathroom stall.

[Chris]

But that's such a fun scene.

[Jake]

Problematic. I felt so seen.

[Chris]

I loved it.

[Doralie]

And so he's gone.

[Ronnie]

A glory hole was so, you know, that was chef's kiss.

[Jake]

This I do.

[Doralie]

I did enjoy it when he said, you didn't bring me anything to eat. They should have said a drink. A gay would have said, you didn't bring me a drink.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, so here's the. Here's the setup. So basically she goes to the bathroom. One gay. The boyfriend or the husband. The. The one. The. The brother in law is standing, you know, keeping an eye out, making sure no one goes into the bathroom while the brother is in the. The far. I'm going to say probably the handicap stall because that was a large stall.

[Chris]

So like, that's a little problematic. Yeah.

[Ronnie]

And so. So that. So he's there and he's got the Santa Claus thing ready. He's basically gonna do a quick change. Like he's standing in the rafters on Saturday night live. It's like Broadway in the wings. Yeah. So she goes in there, it's like, oh, quick change, quick change, quick change. So she comes out. Now she's Hugh again.

[Jake]

Yes. Yeah. So she comes out, she's Hugh, and she goes into the room and the dad's like, whoa, I've never received so many emails. I mean, wow. You are the head of the holidays season, Lisa Gibbons.

[Chris]

Love you. The fact.

[Ronnie]

And isn't it weird that Natasha is just like. Natasha knows that this Santa is a fraud and is using not only a woman's. A random woman's Social Security number, but that woman is at the same party and she's just sitting on it. She's actually not on. She's like, not telling her assistant. She's just sitting there like, okay, well, fraudulent Santa's here, but she doesn't know.

[Chris]

Who the woman is. Right?

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Chris]

And so that's. So we know that Santa's using a woman's security. And that's. So she's like, something's wrong here. But we.

[Jake]

She.

[Chris]

We don't see her put it together. Yeah.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

So Hugh comes back in and he was like, well, Mr. Boss, your son will be an excellent general manager, that's for sure. And then he's like, oh, my God. By the way, Hugh. God, you look sexy today. I can't wait for you to meet Taylor.

[Jake]

Maybe.

[Ronnie]

Are you into threesomes?

[Chris]

There's something in your eye.

[Doralie]

Eyes. In your eyes.

[Jake]

God, so good to be here with you. I'm with my favorite paw and my favorite foopa. God damn it, Hugh. And he's like, whoa, you're. Can't wait. I'm gonna meet Taylor Hall. She's special. And the dad goes, yeah, the last time he said that, she stole it. She stole this story to a gossip magazine girl.

[Ronnie]

Oh, so now we're having a late act. Three stakes, which is like, the dad's never gonna approve of Taylor.

[Chris]

Right?

[Ronnie]

Which doesn't really matter. Her son. Yeah.

[Jake]

Fallen for her.

[Ronnie]

You see, you're supposed to set this up in Act 1. And the whole idea is that when she is outed, it's like, see, son, you never should go back to her. I told you she was bad. I told you she was a liar. And he's like, my dad's right. You were a liar. Like, but they were like, no, we'll set this up right now and just forget about it.

[Chris]

Three sentences. Yeah, here we go.

[Ronnie]

Three sentences in act three.

[Jake]

Guys, time for a huge moment. Taylor runs back to change back into Taylor again. So she runs through the hallways and that's when. Then she comes back.

[Chris]

Is it this time where the guys.

[Doralie]

This is where the brother in law.

[Chris]

The snowboarders say Stephen King is here. And the. The.

[Ronnie]

She comes back.

[Jake]

She comes back and. But the gays are still, like being really weird in the bathroom. One is still in the stall and one is still hiding outside the bathroom. They have cameras in this hotel?

[Chris]

Yes.

[Ronnie]

So this is where Taylor has to come back to show her business acumen now. So the dad's like, well, I just met this lady. But let me tell you, this is what we're going to do with our future resorts, which is that we're gonna. We're gonna revamp, revamp things. And Natasha's like, that's right, we are gonna revamp things. And I'm gonna say this in front of someone who I just discovered is committing massive fraud with a fake Social Security number. Yeah, we're gonna have wine tastings and all those kind of things. Let's raise the prices.

[Chris]

Why don't you Capitalism.

[Jake]

Why don't you have wine tastings and spa treatments? You're a luxury hotel already.

[Doralie]

Should have this.

[Chris]

Let's say this now. They already have these things.

[Ronnie]

We should open up a gym. Let's have a gym. We can have it be open two hours a day. What about 24 hours? You know what?

[Chris]

Good.

[Ronnie]

24 hours.

[Jake]

So then Taylor's like, well, what about the kids? Okay, Taylor, you spent your entire movie complaining about how this kid ruined your life. And she's like, think about the children. Are we going to have activities for children? What about craft night? Karaoke?

[Chris]

Someone's nurturing.

[Doralie]

All of a sudden, this is where I lost sympathy for her anymore. I was like, I'm glad your daughter's a bitch to you because you just talked over this woman who has her own job. Like you own the goddamn place. Just telling everybody what to do. You deserve everything you get. Taylor, live in your van.

[Jake]

Yeah. You are amazing. I'm going to give you Natasha's job. Natasha, you are now stepping down to an even lower job than you have now.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, I know. Because she's like, why there should be fun activities for the kids. That way the parents can relax. And Natasha's like like what? Pin the tail on the donkey. And they're like that's a great idea. Pin the tail on the donkey. Let's do it.

[Doralie]

Never thought of it.

[Jake]

Crafts.

[Doralie]

And she finally says, look, I know I'm just here and I, I'm just here running back and forth because you probably think I have exploding diarrhea and you don't know that I'm changing into a Santa suit. But I just want to say if you win over the kids, you win over the parents.

[Jake]

No, I'm sorry, but your son has been feeding me hot chocolate for two weeks and I've got the shits, I got the goats.

[Doralie]

I gotta go shit again. I'll be right back.

[Jake]

Because Natasha, to get her back is like, I think it's time for gifts. Where's our Santa?

[Ronnie]

Ah, so she goes into change, she's getting in dress as.

[Doralie]

This is the gay sex simulation.

[Ronnie]

While this happens, the, the brother in law hears that Stephen King. There's a Stephen King side. Remember horror gay. So he leaves his post, which is terrible cuz Matthew decides he has to go to the bathroom. So Matthew comes in the bathroom and while this is happening we get a classic, you know what's going on on that bathroom stall thing. In this case, brother and Hugh are trying to get like the fat suit on.

[Jake]

Right there. Oh God. Wait, hold on. Just stay still. Just stay still for two minutes. It'll get easier.

[Ronnie]

Matthew who's just done like an eightball in Venice and like knocked over 10 statues is like what? There may be sex.

[Chris]

Oh my God, there's gay sex in the bathroom.

[Jake]

So he like looks kind of like, he doesn't say like get out of here or anything like that. He kind of listens and watches and kind of looks in like it's kind of hot.

[Ronnie]

He looks, it's like he looks underneath, he sees the feet and what he sees is, I don't know if he realizes that this is Santa at this moment, but he definitely sees like, you know, Santa boots are the like. Yeah.

[Jake]

And it's like, no, he knows it's Santa because he's Santa's big old Shoes and. Yeah.

[Ronnie]

And Santa's the bottom here, right?

[Chris]

Yeah, Santa's the one.

[Doralie]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake]

And Matt does look a little sad. And I think it's because he finds out that he's been around with guys in the bathroom and it's not him. So he's true.

[Chris]

I believe.

[Ronnie]

He's like, we're both bottoms.

[Chris]

He's like, oh, no, we're both bottoms.

[Jake]

It was interesting.

[Doralie]

Heartbreak.

[Jake]

Kind of sad. I mean, I guess I don't think he was sad that he found out he was gay. I think he was just like, he's not with me or whatever. So then he goes out and he's really awkward, like, what should I do? Should I just go in there and ask to join? Should I just jerk out, Jerk off outside the door? What do I do?

[Chris]

What do I do?

[Ronnie]

So then he, like, comes out of the bathroom. He's like, whoa. And then. But then, like, like Santa and the. And the brother both come out, which is weird because why did the brother leave the bathroom? And then. So he turns around, see Santa. Then he's. And then he's like, oh, my God, it's confirmed. Hugh was having gay sex party. Like, this is legitimately. Like, it's not us making a joke.

[Chris]

Like, legitimately another man in Hugh, who.

[Ronnie]

Is like the star of this resort, who is just talking to the CEO, this massive billionaire decided, you know what? I gotta. I gotta step away to have some gay sex.

[Chris]

And I think I'm in love.

[Ronnie]

He's like, there's a shot.

[Jake]

So they go back into the meeting room or whatever and Matt's like, wait, does anyone know where Taylor is? Where is she? I have to tell. I have to. I have to get this boner out on somebody. And Natasha's like, no, but I know who does. A person who wants to lead this hotel is about to ruin the annual Christmas party.

[Chris]

This is an imposter.

[Ronnie]

He is a fraud. He's using a fake name and your girlfriend's Social Security number so he knows.

[Doralie]

You'Re probably working on an evil plan together to ruin my career.

[Chris]

And I'm like, you narcissist. What the. Why is this about you now?

[Jake]

So weird.

[Ronnie]

She is. She does make it about her. It is going to be revealed. I have.

[Chris]

I have a theory that they wanted to make this into like this mustache twisting kind of villain. Tia just did not play it that way. She just played it very realistically. She tried to find a human connection to it. And that's why a lot of these lines don't work.

[Doralie]

I Think I'm a big twitch fan.

[Ronnie]

No. I think that Tia was so good in this.

[Doralie]

I know she did the best job she could.

[Chris]

Yeah. They gave her nothing. I think her nothing.

[Ronnie]

They gave her nothing. And it was like very unrealistic that she sort of sat on this information so late or she didn't say, yes, sir, I need to talk to you about Hugh. I think we have an issue. She just sort of sits there and then goes through this ENT scene. And then finally is like, aha, everyone. You're like, whoa, where did this come from? So. So she's doing this big reveal and she's not even given the villain moment of doing the big reveal. Because instead what happens is that someone is like, is Taylor Jacobson in here? Taylor, we've had.

[Jake]

Oh, no.

[Ronnie]

We have a snowboard academy emergency.

[Doralie]

Your daughter.

[Ronnie]

Your daughter reveal about to die.

[Doralie]

Okay.

[Jake]

Your daughter has oddly been snowboarding during the nighttime snowboarding Christmas party at the. What the hell?

[Doralie]

And she.

[Ronnie]

So they run out and so she goes. She's like, oh, my God.

[Doralie]

Ho, ho, ho. Three wise men.

[Chris]

Lots of reveals here. And then she says, Zoe, in the most female voice possible. She's like, zoe, Zoe.

[Ronnie]

So she runs out to the ambulance where Zoe is being cart loaded in. And then the bully is now nice, and she's like, we're now best friends.

[Chris]

Because I turned nice in one day.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Doralie]

She says I've been really mean to her mom and her mother is awesome. And her mom listens to her and I'm like, okay.

[Chris]

All right.

[Ronnie]

So it turns out this girl is the. The bully is the daughter of Tia. And the bully ruins everything.

[Doralie]

You've been different.

[Chris]

These reveals.

[Ronnie]

She also ruins Tia's big moment of being able to pull the face off. I guess at this moment, Tia still doesn't think that Hugh is. Is.

[Jake]

Should have known when they were the only two black people in town. I know. Didn't even see it coming.

[Chris]

That is something we should have assumed.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Doralie]

That's why I think Tia Maui should have played the role of Santa. Because a. I think her physical comedy would have been better. But then it could have been about how all these people are uncomfortable by. By black.

[Chris]

Black Santa.

[Doralie]

Yes.

[Chris]

They would never hire a black Santa in this hotel. Absolutely not.

[Ronnie]

I mean, there's actually a hole like this totally. This amazing subtext in this movie that's like a commentary about like how she's the only one. Tia's the only one working hard. And just all these black woman's doing the most like. Yeah. And there's all these white people who are caretaking capabilities, no skills whatever, who just fail upwards. And it's like, hey, you, lady who used to work at the cookie company. Critic criticizing frosters. You have a great idea. We're going to give you a high, high position in this hotel. And Tia's the only one. Natasha is the only one doing any sort of work, and no one's paying attention to it.

[Jake]

Yeah. I mean, even down to the main character because she's working her ass off to send her daughter to snowboarding camp. And then this lady comes in and commits fraud to get her kid in. And everyone's fine with it. Right. You know, total fraud. Matthew looks kind of confused because he, like, wants to fuck everybody in the finale. Like, he's like, I want to fuck all of you. And so he's like, just go to the hospital. So they run away. He's like, dad, did he.

[Chris]

Yeah, there was this one thing, and he. I better say the mom, the daughter has a line which she butchers like, santa, why do you sound like my mother? It was just such a weird line. And. And then I wrote down. It's very different. A situation like this is very different when it's a man in a woman's outfit. Because then it's like all types of gender politics are. Are. It's a stronger gender politic than a woman in a man's costume. Costume. And it's. It's not the big reveal they're hoping it will be. It's not like just one of the guys. When. When she. When he ripped open her coat, she goes, she's got tits.

[Doralie]

And everyone.

[Chris]

I saw boobs for the first time in a movie.

[Doralie]

And I references only.

[Chris]

Yes, that was my childhood.

[Jake]

All right, here we go.

[Ronnie]

Also, by the way, also, like, hello. You know, like. Like Hugh or what? Taylor, when your daughter says, why do you sound like my mom? That's the moment you say, say, oh, you have a head injury. Sorry, get in the hot ambulance.

[Jake]

No, she pulls off her mask and her glasses and all of that. She's like, I'm a mother.

[Doralie]

And she looks flawless, which is not how you look after wearing flawless.

[Jake]

She actually hasn't looked like that in the entire movie. I was like, wow, how she's suddenly.

[Chris]

Like, so this was a Scooby Doo reveal. It was just a complete Scooby Doo reveal. And they look like themselves. Anyone who's been in her prosthetics looks like a mess.

[Doralie]

Put a pin in this. But she's on a gurney strapped down with a Neck brace, looking like she's about to be airlifted somewhere. But put a pin in that till later when we see Zoe again.

[Jake]

I know. We see Zoe tap dancing in a bathing suit.

[Ronnie]

Can we get this kid to the hospital? Do we have to have this whole moment?

[Chris]

Commercials.

[Ronnie]

Here comes one right now. So now Natasha is talking to the dad, and she's like, you know what? We could charge her with fraud and with trespassing and other cool things. And the dad's like, well, how could you let that happen, Natasha? I'm so trusted. No background I.D. and you, Natasha, I trusted you. Natasha. You singing Jingle Bells. It doesn't fix anything. Be quiet.

[Jake]

And Matthew's like, it's no one to blame but Mike.

[Chris]

Me.

[Jake]

I hired you. I wanted to stick my dick deep inside of him. It was my mistake.

[Chris]

He. He. He has now redeemed himself because he's now sacrificed himself.

[Ronnie]

Yes. Yeah.

[Doralie]

Because it's a Christmas movie from great American country.

[Ronnie]

This writer, who. Who also wrote the Lindsay Lohan thing, incorporated a scene in that one where Lindsay Lohan's, like, clearly gay fiance winds up like. Like in a cabin in the woods with some strange man. And they kind of have like, an implied gay sex moment.

[Chris]

Yes, they do. I love, like, moments including gay sex. I.

[Jake]

For him.

[Ronnie]

And I love that.

[Doralie]

I love that.

[Chris]

I still think the script of that film was one of the best ones we've one. One of the funniest things we've done.

[Jake]

Well, it died. Powerful.

[Doralie]

Well, it died.

[Jake]

I made a mistake, too. Natasha, you're taking the lead on this. I'm not giving you the job. Matthew, you still have the. Because you're a white man who feels upward. But you can go outside for now. So Natasha feels bad now. And now she's talking to her b. Daughter, and they're talking about like, oh, my God, I feel awful. Cause I was so mean to her. And she's such a good snowboarder. She just didn't have a very nice vest. But she has a really nice mom. And Natasha's like, her mother is a fraud.

[Doralie]

And by the way, mom, she's a good mom.

[Chris]

You don't.

[Ronnie]

I am behind Natasha all the way. Mom is a fraud. Stop being like, go back to being a bully. You learned the wrong life lessons. Learned the wrong line.

[Jake]

Listen, Santa is always is. It's an actor playing a character. So what? Actresses don't work. And I wish that this movie had taken it to that. Where she's like, who cares if I'm a woman? A woman can't Be Santa Claus. Santa Claus isn't a man or a woman.

[Chris]

It's an idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ronnie]

Well, what's also funny is I like how the daughter just spins it on Natasha out of left field. Because Natasha's like, listen, stuff. Stop. That woman was a fraud. And then she goes, no, she listened to me. Not like you. Like, aha.

[Doralie]

And then we get into.

[Ronnie]

Got prosecuted. Prosecuted for all your failures as a mother. You don't hear me. You split from dad and I never see you. I miss my mom. And Natasha's like, I know. Let's talk.

[Chris]

Let's talk.

[Ronnie]

Do you want a pony? How can I buy you off?

[Chris]

Do you want to go? So boarding school.

[Doralie]

There's a quick cut, but that's kind of jar. We're just sitting on the couch with Zoe in a arm brace and everything's fine.

[Ronnie]

She's fine.

[Chris]

She's fine. We just hit 100,000. 100,000 views. Really?

[Jake]

Just ruined my career with a neck break that didn't happen. You spoil little B.

[Doralie]

You spoil little B.

[Ronnie]

Trying. Trying a jump you were not prepared to do. And she always. She's like, have you heard from Matthew? She's like, probably not unless we go to court. She was like, wow, you really did this for me, right? She's like, oh, oh, you're not mortified at your mom? She's like, mom, I've been mortified for you for so many years. This is nothing new.

[Chris]

You were so embarrassing as a pup. As a. As a. Yeah.

[Doralie]

I heard your album, mom, and it sucks.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, here's the one who's feeling.

[Jake]

It's me, Doralie. How are you telling me that your daddy wasn't really Santa Claus? I was ready for that man to dip his cookie inside my milk. I was ready to and be that man's vixen. How could you do this to me?

[Chris]

Must have got a really good laugh at me.

[Ronnie]

Doralee is visibly shaken because she also is having, like a reckoning. She's basically saying, like, I now have to ask for rent money from this woman who I accidentally hit on cuz I thought she was an older, older silver daddy. And I'm realizing I was hitting on her instead.

[Jake]

Am I going to get sued for.

[Chris]

Me and I'm just an old fool?

[Doralie]

The movie stops being light because she ends up leveling her with this because she says I looked stupid and Taylor said, I never meant to hurt you. And she's like, why is it that that's the people that hurt me or who that all I always hear that From.

[Ronnie]

It's always the people that hurt people that say that.

[Chris]

Right. It feels like we're in a Tennessee Williams and all of a sudden she's just that good.

[Doralie]

She's that good. I gotta say, it hit me in my gut and brought tears to my house.

[Chris]

Oh, God. This is fantastic.

[Doralie]

She's great.

[Ronnie]

Like, she move this town. She like, she lived in Chicago and she moved here to this town to follow love. And then he left her. Now she's stuck in this town.

[Chris]

She grew up as a little girl in Puerto Rico.

[Jake]

All I wanted was for him to take a turn in my toy factory. And you had to ruin it for me.

[Ronnie]

I was a dancer. I was a prancer. And now I'm just a landlady.

[Doralie]

Now I'm just a landlady. So Tia and Matthew.

[Jake]

I was gonna let him snow my globe. Now he's gone. I was gone.

[Doralie]

Where are they next? Are they in a park? Oh, yeah.

[Chris]

Talking to Matthew about the daughter. The daughter's daughter's name is Eva, though. It doesn't matter. And he's talking to Matthew. Natasha's telling Matthew. Even I had a long talk. And this. This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for Taylor. And I just wanted to say thanks for not throwing me under the bus. And he's like, I avoided his responsibility for so long.

[Jake]

Long.

[Chris]

I figured it was time for me to grow up.

[Jake]

She sounds like you should give the speech tonight. Yeah.

[Chris]

Because you've conquered your fear of public speaking finally.

[Ronnie]

Yeah. And he's like, but I can't do that. She goes, no, I'm going to teach you. I'm going to have a redemptive moment. That won't happen on camera.

[Chris]

Yes.

[Ronnie]

And this is going to be your final exam. I'm going to having he. She's going to be the one that's going to help him with the speech things.

[Jake]

So now he's taking stage for his speech. It's like five minutes later. And he's like, I have learned to give speeches. Is everybody ready? Here we go. I'm sure you've heard what happened with Santa in the meantime. Sun Peaks won't have a Santa, but we can still celebrate Christmas because Santa's not a man. Santa is a boner in my pants that I pull slowly and enjoy. Did I know it was coming? No. Did it hit me in the eye? It sure did. What was I talking about? About why do I have a boner right now? I forgot. Damn it.

[Ronnie]

Sant. He's losing the audience. As. As soon as he's like, santa's a concept. They're like, boo. Santa's a man.

[Chris]

Santa's a white man.

[Ronnie]

Santa's a white fat man.

[Chris]

And he's a.

[Jake]

Bring the torch.

[Ronnie]

He's not a concept. Bring out Santa. Bring out Santa.

[Chris]

Bring out white Santa.

[Ronnie]

So then the dad's like, what is Matthew doing up there? And she's. And Natasha just like, he's saving Christmas. And everyone's like, dude, no, he's not. This is the worst thing ever. At least they're not singing Run, Run Rudolph though. Am I right?

[Jake]

Just wait.

[Ronnie]

Matthew's like, this was.

[Chris]

Everyone's miserable.

[Doralie]

This was the most unbelievable part of the movie. And to me, that Taylor and Zoe show up, and Taylor decides to go up on stage to apologize to him in front of everybody.

[Chris]

In front of this.

[Jake]

She only talks to him in front of a mic. Like, she never even addresses.

[Ronnie]

And it's also like, this is Netflix. Can you hire some more extras? Can you make it look like there's more than 30 people behind a snowbank?

[Doralie]

Yes. Because like Lindsay Lohan movie, this would have been a physical comedy of errors, of her going to apologize and then something like she ends up prat falling on the stage, not meaning to be on the stage. That's what we needed from this.

[Chris]

I am sentimental.

[Ronnie]

I would say the Lindsay Lohan movie culminated with her making a very similar speech in front of. Of a. A crowd that was just as big, but they did it in a living room. So it felt compressed and it felt high stakes. But here it's just like, you see, it's a stage for 20 people. And, like, also, what would have been helpful would have been if they. If there have been some headlines about, you know, billionaire error, like, in trouble again.

[Doralie]

Oh, happening.

[Ronnie]

It was a fraud. And so, like, now.

[Jake]

Like, heckler there, he's like, hey, bro, talk to her, bro. It's like, why is he at every Santa event? Nobody worried that this guy's at every Santa. I love you, man.

[Doralie]

He is constantly on Santa subreddit.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Chris]

So she just says, I need to apologize. I need your job and you need a Santa. And I just don't think I could have something like this. I don't think I deserved it. And I didn't think I was going.

[Ronnie]

To fall for you.

[Jake]

Also, I'm lactose intolerant. There, I said it.

[Chris]

Kiss her.

[Jake]

Finally kiss her.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Jake]

I wish she had had this speech. Shame on everyone in this town for limiting who Santa could be or what Santa should be. What are we teaching our Young women now. Sure, I taught my daughter that. She was a mistake. But that was just honesty.

[Ronnie]

Draw some boundaries. You didn't need to put your daughter into snowboard school. Your daughter needs a job.

[Chris]

Teacher about eggs cost $10.

[Ronnie]

We have no sympathy for you, Susie.

[Chris]

Orman video goes.

[Jake]

So Merry Christmas.

[Doralie]

Silent Night.

[Chris]

Exactly.

[Jake]

Matt's like, wait, Taylor. But I miss you, okay? I miss his beard. I miss his bathroom stall anal.

[Doralie]

Please.

[Jake]

Is there some way you can bring it back? She's like, oh God, I'm okay.

[Doralie]

That's exactly what happened.

[Chris]

And then there, there, there's like they.

[Ronnie]

Decide that they're going to spend Christmas together. But then before that they're like wait a second, second. Do you want to sing? And she's like, well, I guess this time. Is everyone ready for some pop punk girl group madness? Guess what? If you lined up here, ready to hear some riot, then get ready because it's about to happen right now.

[Chris]

And this isn't my voice because I did. I was too scared to do it.

[Jake]

I mean if you're gonna do that, use somebody good. Like have a Nell Carter recording in there.

[Doralie]

I just wanted to be on.

[Chris]

Because.

[Doralie]

I think they filmed it when no one was there. I think about this, think about it. You don't really see a lot of scenes that it was 4am well no, but Jimmy the Jimmy the Elf is never really in the scene with other people. If you think about it, it's just cutaways. So I'm pretty sure they spent like four hours trying to shoot with this guy just going, going cheer, Jimmy cheer. And he's just going like over and over and over.

[Ronnie]

So it's like dark.

[Doralie]

It almost looked like a black screen or something behind him.

[Ronnie]

So now, okay, so she has her triumphant moment that speaks not neither to her her past as a punk rocker, nor to really anything else in this movie. And now it's Christmas day and the whole gang is at her apartment. I'm like including his father.

[Chris]

Father.

[Ronnie]

What are you guys.

[Chris]

Who's never set foot in an apartment building like that?

[Ronnie]

And we all know. And we all know why they're there. Like you right away you're like, oh, I know why they're there cuz the dad is there. They need to have the dad there cuz the landlady is. I knew that you like, you just know you see it. Cuz there's no reason why these wealthy people.

[Chris]

Are those fags over there?

[Doralie]

Yeah, that's.

[Chris]

Is that too too gig, I guess, right?

[Jake]

I'm sorry that we opened A. A taco truck, because there are two faggy toritos over there.

[Chris]

Okay. Is that a gay couple?

[Doralie]

They're all celebrating, and in, like, not even a full, like, half breath, he's like, I'll do a toast to Natasha got sent to London and to everybody else that, like, you don't even.

[Chris]

And you.

[Doralie]

I actually had to rewind and say, wait. I'm like, excuse me, excuse me. And so she's in London now, I guess, with her husband, and like, yeah.

[Ronnie]

Overnight, like, this all happened.

[Jake]

I needed more than that.

[Chris]

And made her go away.

[Doralie]

I gotta say, my note from this entire movie is, what a misuse of a twitch.

[Chris]

I totally agree. They gave her nothing to do.

[Doralie]

She is. This is unfair. She did not deserve this. Tia Mowry deserves more.

[Ronnie]

They should. I mean, it's shocking that they did not include her in that final scene. Maybe she got Covid or something. They had to shoot without her because, like, there's no reason that you have to see the girls together as friends. You have to see her and she, like, oh, my.

[Chris]

Maybe she got.

[Jake]

I think this was. I think this was a coda or something that they put on. They tacked on. They were like, we need something better than Run, Run Rudolph at the end. I think you're right, because I think.

[Ronnie]

They were basically like, diana's doing such a good job that we have to give her. We have to. We have to. We have to tie up her loose end. Let's give her to the dad.

[Doralie]

Yeah.

[Jake]

Natasha's like, I'm busy. I. I work, so.

[Doralie]

But Taylor goes over and invites her.

[Jake]

Over to Christmas, invites Doralee, invites Doralee over, and then Doralee is so touched and is being very nice at the Christmas party, and then sees some old man meet and goes right for it. Well, hello, Daddy. Ooh, hotel owner, right? How'd you like to soap my hand? Hey, you want to refill my shampoo in the morning?

[Chris]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake]

I'll change my pillow shades. Bad boy, do not disturb. Am I right?

[Chris]

Got some extra shower caps back at my house.

[Ronnie]

They're camili under the mistletoe. And honestly, I loved this because she was the best character. She's the character who's been hurt the most. Let's be honest. I don't care what any of Taylor's backstory is. It's this woman who's been hurt the most, and she winds up with the richest guy. Good for her.

[Doralie]

Good for her.

[Chris]

She deserves.

[Doralie]

And he's gonna die soon, and she's younger, and then she'll Be a billionaire. Billionaire.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Doralie]

And not give Taylor and her husband money because she's going to take it all.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Doralie]

Because they never paid rent.

[Chris]

Yeah. And. And the inable last line. So, Taylor, how'd you get so good at Christmas? Santa Claus. I'm Santa Claus.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Which.

[Ronnie]

Hoping she would say nowhere. Oh, it's because when I dropped out of college for my daughter, I had to watch a lot of holiday movies.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Doralie]

Also take two. I don't think this set was very fun because there was no outtakes in the credits and there should have been outtakes.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Chris]

I, I, I really did. I. All in all, I did not like this movie. It was.

[Ronnie]

Me neither.

[Chris]

Yeah. I didn't like this movie and I did not. And it's just. I, It's. We can find the bad, stupid things in it. But I enjoyed that Lindsay Lohan movie. I even enjoyed. I've enjoyed the Dumb food, no network.

[Doralie]

I even like parts of Hot Frosty.

[Chris]

Hot Frosty was ridiculous, but it was fun at least.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Jake]

Yeah, it was cute.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Jake]

Those movies are all about, like, what Christmas is really about in some way. And this one wasn't like, it didn't even have anything to do with Christmas.

[Doralie]

Movie didn't have a heart. It didn't.

[Jake]

It took place at Christmas, but other than that, it didn't really even have anything to do. All I just kept thinking was, God, the apartment decorations are so bad. Like, the apartment building. I was like, this is what being poor is like. And it's sad.

[Chris]

Is it? Is it because this, what Christmas boobies are like in 2025?

[Ronnie]

I think it's just like, I think this was like, too much like, it was like Save the Cat. They were like, okay, here's all the characters. They just are, like, just painting by numbers. They dropped it all in. And so it was all tidy. But, like, the silliness of this, like, Mrs. Doubtfire thing actually was, like, never that silly. The only thing it did was it elicited this, like, really random gay sex scene in the bathroom late in the movie. And I was like. And, and the sh. And the, and the, and the locker room scene really was like, what is happening here?

[Chris]

And that was my Christmas wish.

[Jake]

I will say. I think that it was probably. I think that it was probably like a more adult movie at one point because of all of this stuff. Like, he wants to fuck the Santa the whole time. He's just like, cokehead, ne' er do well. Like, they had all the ingredients to make it good, but they chose to go, like, the Family friendly. We have to be super safe because they're like a Hallmark being on Netflix now or whatever the fuck they were doing. And they just kind of watered it down because I think if he was like a co head mess and had to learn to be better, and Natasha was really a. And scheming and trying to take everything down, and he really did was kind of into the gay sex Santa, like, they could have been good. It's just kind of, like, watered down.

[Chris]

Yeah, I agree.

[Jake]

Yeah. Try to please everybody. You please.

[Chris]

You please nobody, big boy.

[Doralie]

Nobody.

[Jake]

Wow. But it sure was pleasing for us. I mean, it gave us four hours to laugh together, so this was so much fun.

[Doralie]

Again, we did it again.

[Chris]

We did it.

[Doralie]

Holiday tradition.

[Jake]

What Christmas is really about is us getting together every year to talk about people we don't know and finding gay narratives.

[Doralie]

And that's exactly it.

[Chris]

And to act like we could do any better.

[Jake]

It's true.

[Ronnie]

That's very true.

[Doralie]

And with that, yes, thank you to our sissies and our Geraldines out there that are. That are probably making it just with your family right now. So we hope that this was a. A respit of laughter and fun.

[Chris]

I'm going to be right there with you, with my mother and father. It's going to be. Yeah, it's going to be rough this year. Oh, I can already tell you there's. Yeah, there's my mother. I can already. My mother's already grouchy, so.

[Jake]

Oh, really?

[Chris]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jake]

I'm just in the buying phase because I'm the single one and everybody else is married and has or has kids or whatever. It's just like there's 20 people to buy for, but I'm, like, gonna get or some. But everybody, thanks so much for being here. We will talk to you in the new year. Bye.

[Chris]

Bye.

[Ronnie]

Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King. It's always a party on Alison Block.

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She's our favorite streamer.

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Let's go into the woods with Guy Tubbs.

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[Jake]

McMurdo She's a total knockout.

[Ronnie]

It's Katie Manock in the study with a candlestick. It's Leslie pull Peacock G. It's Lisa H. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Baron. She's a whiz. It's Liz Sarthy, always killing it.

[Jake]

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Maximum love for Sandy Maximoska. She's the queen bee. It's Sarah Lemke.

[Jake]

We cannot tell a lie.

[Ronnie]

It's Sarah Tellifson, Shannon out of a can and Anthony. Please don't stop at solely and pop. Let's take off with Tamla plane. You'll always get the full story with Tori Parsons.

[Jake]

She ain't no shrinking violet Coutar. We love you guys. If you like, watch what crappens. You can listen ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com survey.