#3138 Crappens Rewind: Ep 479 RHONY Would You Believe It? LuAnn Got Married!

Summary

Watch What Crappens (#3138): Crappens Rewind: Ep 479 RHONY Would You Believe It? LuAnn Got Married!

Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam
Date: December 31, 2025
Theme: A hilarious, affectionate recap and roast of a classic Real Housewives of New York City episode: Luann's infamous (and Bravo-cam-free) wedding, with all the delicious drama around it.

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Episode Overview

In this "Crappens Rewind," Ben and Ronnie revisit the legendary RHONY episode featuring Luann’s much-anticipated wedding to Tom. The hosts provide their signature blend of loving mockery, impersonations, and tangents about the cast, the optics of Bravo weddings, and New York high society’s quirks. Listeners are treated not only to breakdowns and impressions from the actual episode, but also to the hosts’ ongoing personal banter and a surprise original "Luann wedding song."

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bravo-Obsessed Social Life Updates

• Ben and Ronnie recap their night out with Hannah from Below Deck Med (00:50)
  • Anecdotes about being overshadowed by LA “celebs” and the contrast with Bravo stardom.
  • “She was like, ‘I’ll just throw something on, I look like a hussy’—and she shows up looking gorgeous!” – Ben (01:06)
• Paparazzi culture and being ignored: “Like, literally, a bum would walk up to the restaurant, the paparazzi were taking photos. But like, me and Ronnie, no photos.” – Ben (02:34)

2. Frenchie's Breakfast—The Faux Romance

• The episode opens in Sonja’s kitchen with Frenchie, aka Edgar, making breakfast—in a blazer, of course (05:45–07:40)
• Both hosts question the authenticity of Frenchie: “Who wears a blazer to make eggs for Sonja in the morning? … This is clearly an arrangement for the TV show.” – Ben (06:31)
• Tinsley’s role as agent of chaos, poking at Frenchie’s “open relationship.”
• “So this is her little way of getting revenge.” – Ben (10:29)
• Ongoing jokes about Sonja’s assistant Pickles possibly living in a jar in Sonja’s basement (08:37)

3. Bethenny’s Skinnygirl Christmas Party

• Bethenny is undeniably the star of her own branded universe (11:11–12:55)
• Notes on her lobster roll and party favors: “My. I was, like, sort of traumatized by Bethanny eating a lobster roll and then talking with her mouth open. … It’s not a good look.” – Ben (12:01)
• Hosts riff on Bethenny’s relentless self-branding and her “annual” party with custom ornaments

4. Dorinda’s Gift Wrapping Fiasco

• Dorinda’s “tissue paper” saga and wrapping-panic is given a classic Crappens roast.
  • “Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m thinking about… It’s called being a blackout drunk, Dorinda.” – Ronnie (14:38)

5. Ramona’s Party Exclusion & Girls’ Night

• Ramona isn’t invited to Bethenny’s party and seeks solace with Avery and Avery’s friends (15:28–16:46)
• “Avery’s girlfriends are like my girlfriends. Except no one in their group has had sex with Tom yet. No.” – Ronnie (15:38)
• Generational girls' night parallels and the hosts' delight in Ramona’s perpetual quest to be young

6. Dorinda, the Oysters, and Bethenny’s Sex Jokes

• At Bethenny’s party, Dorinda gets a tutorial in shucking oysters that rapidly devolves into innuendo (17:33–18:38)
  • “Eating oysters is like eating the sea. Wet and salty.” – Ronnie (18:09)
• Bethenny’s Catskills-style sex joke reflex is lovingly parodied

7. Ramona’s Wine Girls and Off-the-Wall Analogies

• Ramona bonds with Avery’s friends, waxing nostalgic and competitive about wine (19:41–20:14)
  • “Who could blame him, Ryer? He’s grown up nicely.” – Ben on Avery’s friend (24:30)
• Crack-ups about Pellegrino as an upper-crust rite of passage

8. The Several Parties & Drama Recap

• Ramona’s “walking on eggshells” motif passes around the table, with friends chiming in needlessly (27:13)
• Dorinda’s legendary party blowups and propensity to forget gifts, locations, and basics
• Ongoing Sonia Morgan Paperless Post confusion: “How do you have a post that’s paper?” – Sonja impression (29:21)

9. LuAnn’s Infamous Wedding—Just Five Minutes on Bravo, but Epic

• Main Highlight Segment: 35:28–41:46
• The wedding itself was not filmed by Bravo, only by Luann’s personal crew, heavily edited into a quick montage
• “This is like the actual—the first Bravo wedding I’ve been, like, genuinely excited to see ever. And that’s only like…” – Ben (37:00)
• Jill Zarin, Kelly Bensimon, and Amanda Lepore make cameo appearances in the “home movie” wedding footage
• The officiant says: “Love is reckless, not reason.” – Ben wonders, “Even he’s against this!” (37:41)
• Jokes about Tom and Lu’s dynamic, Tom’s serial missteps, and speculation about why the cameras weren't allowed

10. The LuAnn Wedding Song Parody – Instant Classic

• Segment: 40:06–42:29
• Ben performs an original, hysterical “Luann wedding rap,” lampooning Luann’s penchant for music and the endless drama around Tom
• “Do the D’Agostino, do the D’Agostino…” – Ben, as Luann (40:36)
• “I’m making stupid ass songs on GarageBand.” – Ben, self-deprecating (42:44)

11. Aftermath Party: The ‘Discards’ Gathering

• The NYC party for those not invited to Palm Beach (55:12–65:08)
• Bethenny arrives first: “Seriously, I’m the only person here. … Like, what is this, a Minaj?” – Ben (55:12)
• Ramona: “It’s drab and dreary in here. Okay. I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.” (57:08)
• Frenchie finally appears in real life, much to everyone’s amusement
• Tom makes multiple awkward comments about how Luann planned the whole wedding, raising eyebrows
  • “Her whole heart and soul was in there.” – Tom
  • Ramona: “Luann could be amazing when she puts her mind to it.” (59:32)

12. Dorinda’s Toasts—A Classic Hits Compilation

• Dorinda gives a rambling, slurred speech reminiscent of her prior boozy bests, with both hosts lampooning her roundabout style:
  • “A moment in time, that moment happens…” – Dorinda (63:14)
• Dorinda demands acknowledgement: “Hey Tom, in your speech, how about you say what a good speech I gave?” (64:02)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Frenchie:
  “I don’t even know if this guy is French… This is like a gay she met outside Port Authority.” – Ronnie (05:55)
• On Sonja’s 7-Eleven analogies:
  “What I thought was an 11 to 7 turned into a 7-Eleven. Yeah, I mean, this guy is cheap.” – Ben (08:03)
• Bethenny eating lobster rolling:
  “I was sort of traumatized by Bethanny eating a lobster roll and then talking with her mouth open. … It’s not a good look.” – Ben (12:01)
• Dorinda’s party prep:
  “It’s called being a blackout drunk, Dorinda.” – Ronnie (14:38)
• Ramona’s existential exclusion:
  “Am I happy about it? No, but the good news is I’m going out with Avery and her girlfriends.” – Ronnie as Ramona (15:09)
• Bethenny’s party gifts:
  “This one looks like one of Ramona’s breast implants.” – Ronnie (13:09)
• On the wedding footage:
  “This is like the actual—the first Bravo wedding I’ve been, like, genuinely excited to see ever. And that’s only like…” – Ben (37:00) “What a perfect day. I’m so ready and I’m so happy.” – Ronnie as Luann (37:37)
• On the officiant's “love is reckless” line:
  “Even he’s against this! You’re making a reckless decision, Luann.” – Ben (37:41)
• The LuAnn wedding song:
  “Do the D’Agostino, do the D’Agostino now…” – Ben as Luann (40:36) “I’m making stupid ass songs on GarageBand.” – Ben (42:44)
• At the ‘discards’ party:
  “Seriously, I’m the only person here. … Like, what is this, a Minaj?” – Ben (55:12) “I did call her a whore a year ago. So this is the station. I deserve the aftermath party alone.” – Ben as Bethenny (55:48)
• Dorinda’s toast:
  “A moment in time, that moment happens between a moment happens in a moment in time. Moments of time. Ten moments.” – Ronnie as Dorinda (63:26)
• On Tom’s pointed wedding thanks:
  “LuAnn put her heart and soul into that wedding so that we could have our true friends and family there.” – Tom (64:39)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:50] – Ben & Ronnie’s LA nightlife recap with Below Deck Hannah
• [05:45] – Frenchie’s breakfast/Edgar the cartoon Frenchman
• [11:11] – Bethenny’s Christmas party and “Skinnygirl” branding
• [14:21] – Dorinda’s tissue wrapping debacle
• [15:28] – Ramona’s party exclusion and Avery’s girls’ night
• [17:33] – Bethenny, Dorinda, and the oyster sex jokes
• [19:41] – Ramona, Avery, and the wine discourse
• [35:28] – Luann’s wedding montage; Tom & Lu’s dynamic
• [40:06] – Ben’s original “LuAnn wedding song”
• [55:12] – The “party of the discards” in NYC
• [62:24] – Dorinda’s speech and party chaos

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Final Thoughts

The episode is classic Watch What Crappens: full of loving mockery, pitch-perfect Housewives impersonations, deeply niche references, and a running thread of affection for the mess that is RHONY. Ben and Ronnie hit all the iconic moments—Frenchie’s improbable romance, Sonja’s sprawling chaos, Bethenny’s self-promotion, Ramona’s obliviousness, Dorinda’s drunken wisdom, and the only-on-Bravo spectacle of LuAnn’s half-hidden nuptials. The original “Luann wedding song” is a must-listen.

If you missed the episode, this recap will make you laugh and want to revisit classic RHONY yourself—just maybe not in Tom’s company.

Transcript

[A]

Who cares what happens when there's so.

[B]

Much of.

[A]

A little feature? Hey, everyone. Welcome to Watch what Crappens, the podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the banter Blender. And joining me as usual is the wonderful and hilarious and lovely and perhaps slightly hungover. Because I'm just slightly hungover. Not really. Ronnie Caram from TrashTalkTV.com and the Rose Pricks Bachelor slash Bachelorette podcast. What's up, Ronnie?

[B]

Well, hello, little band.

[A]

Yeah, hello there. Ronnie and I hit the town last night. We went out to the Abbey with none other than Hannah from Below Deck Mediterranean. And it was beyond beyond.

[B]

Yeah. She's so fun. Oh, my gosh. So beautiful, too.

[A]

I know. She was like. She's like, well, I'm just gonna throw in something. I'll probably look. You know, I look like a hussy. And she shows up looking gorgeous. And I was like, shut your face, Hannah.

[B]

Yeah, that's an expensive hussy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That is not a cheap hussy, that's for sure.

[A]

Yeah, that was fun. And if you go onto our Instagram, which is at Watch what Crappens on Instagram, we have a picture, but we also have some. We have some stories. So go check that out now before they expire.

[B]

Oh, yeah, go look them over. Yeah. She's so funny. She's like, and then I'll have a date with a really hot guy from wherever, and then I might go to Dubai to see this, and then I'll be in the south of France doing this.

[A]

It's like, Jesus, she lives quite the awesome life.

[B]

I know. I came home, like, I really suck.

[A]

Yeah, well, you know what's also sucky is that, you know, we. We took. We walked her to Catch, which is where she was going to have dinner, and we didn't really. Katie Kizzorolla was there at Catch. We could have had, like, such a big powwow, but we didn't.

[B]

Oh, well. Oh, cazorals. We should have looked in there. Yeah. There were all these people taking pictures. I. There's so many little, tiny, short people who are apparently famous, and they all drive these gigantic jeeps and, like, huge army cars.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then these little tiny men come out, you know, like little tiny Persian men dripping with gold come out, and I'm like, where are. Where are you people? It's like there's a whole different life that those people lead, you know, and you only see them if you stand outside restaurants like that.

[A]

Exactly. And the paparazzi would take photos of all of them. Like, literally, a bum would walk up to the restaurant. The paparazzi were taking photos. But, like, me and Ronnie, no photos.

[B]

Yeah. What are you gonna do? It might have something to do with us, too. Taking pictures of the paparazzi. They're like, wow, look at their cameras.

[A]

Yeah. On our Instagram story. And then, like, when we eventually got home, I was drunk and I turned on the TV and the Property Brothers were on. I took some belligerent Instagram stories of the Property Brothers. I was looking at them today. I was like, huh. So it's a fun night now.

[B]

Those are celebrities. Yeah.

[A]

Those are real stars.

[B]

Yeah. I would understand them coming out of a giant Jeep. I'd be like, oh, my God, the Property Bros. Yeah.

[A]

But the other guys, I'm like, was this guy like, a background on shots of sunset once?

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. But everybody apparently knew because they were like, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

[A]

Maybe it was like, French Montana or something.

[B]

Yeah. I don't even know. But, you know, what are you gonna do? I was like, yay. Oh, our Chevy. Our 1983 Chevy Lyft is here to get us.

[A]

Yes. With an extra of them Breaking Bad driving it.

[B]

She really was. She was like, he did this to me.

[A]

She was like, you guys are the best. I want to hang out with you guys all the time. Can do it. Can't even do her meth voice. Yeah. It was a great night. But even more excitingly is that we have a Real Housewives of New York City recap to dive into. And by the way, if you're new to this podcast because you learned about us through the Bible, Jackie Schimmel, welcome. We hope we can live up the expectations.

[B]

Yes. And go listen to Jackie. Hilarious.

[A]

Yeah. Supes, funny.

[B]

New pod friend for sure.

[A]

Yeah. Love her.

[B]

Love her. All right, so shall we jump into. Can you believe it, girls?

[A]

It's the wedding episode.

[B]

Can you believe it, girls?

[A]

Can.

[B]

I've got wedding rings on both of my ring fingers. That's how married I am.

[A]

I'm so ringed up. I took Beyonce's advice, and I had a ring put on both of them.

[B]

We start with the Amy Winehouse music. That's rehab, right?

[A]

Yeah, no, You know, it's a little bit more charm, you know?

[B]

Okay. Yeah. So that.

[A]

Do we have to pay to her estate now? I don't know.

[B]

I don't know. Yeah. Come after me. Get in line. Behind Capital One, Amy Winehouse.

[A]

The ghost of Amy Winehouse is coming to haunt our podcast now.

[B]

Yeah. You think I can't press block this caller on your ghost? I can't.

[A]

Well, any episode that features Dorinda is sort of spiritually a successor to Amy Winehouse, so it makes sense.

[B]

Yeah. Every time that music plays, it's like, oh, drunk. Dorinda is going to make a speech in this episode.

[A]

Yes. So the episode opens with Edgar, AKA Frenchie, making eggs in Sonia's kitchen for breakfast.

[B]

I don't know if I even believe this guy's French, because this guy is, like, cartoon French. He's like, Hoodlie. Hoodley. Oh, Sonia from Manuela Donze Coffee. Sonia, Jolaka, the egg. And she says, did you bring this? And it's a poinsettia plant. He's like, ah, yes, I brought Sonia. You're like an Eggo.

[A]

Something about this whole thing with Edgar, Frenchie feels. What's the word? Like, completely fake. Like, this is clearly an arrangement for the TV show.

[B]

Yeah. This is like a gay she met outside the Port Authority bus station, you know?

[A]

Yeah, exactly. First of all, I mean, who wears a blazer to make eggs for Sonja in the morning? Okay. That's already suspect.

[B]

With a handkerchief in the pocket, like a folded handkerchief.

[A]

Yeah. He's like a really bad faux French version of Adam Scott. That's what he is.

[B]

Oh, is our little daughter Tinsley going to be awake for the eggs? Should I make egg for Tinsley? And she's like, oh, you know, Tinsley getting her hair done, doing her makeup. Okay. Sonia's hatred. Yeah. You know Tinsley, she'll wake up and push the covers off.

[A]

You know, Tinsley, she just opens her eyes when she wakes up. So typical.

[B]

Oh, she's probably yawning about now, wondering what kind of makeup she's gonna wear. And he's like, oh, these women. You have this habit of the makeup and stuff, and you need every day this habit for the women.

[A]

So sure enough, Tinsley comes down. She's like, can I get a tissue, anyone? And she's like, oh, I'm excited for breakfast.

[B]

Frenchie stays. Frenchie, would you mind opening the front door if you hear the doorbell ring? I'm waiting for some hats.

[A]

Sonia's passed out on the floor. Stay away from Frenchie.

[B]

You're getting distracted. I'm training Frenchie to stop Connor from opening the door when your hats come.

[A]

It's a process.

[B]

So Sonia is, you know, admitting that this thing with Frenchie is going too far, and she's like, you know what I thought was an 11 to 7 turned into a 7 11. Yeah. I mean, this guy is cheap.

[A]

I'm like, are you. So you're saying there are a bunch of meth heads that have accumulated around your house? Because that sort of makes sense.

[B]

I mean, the pizza isn't that great at three in the morning, but at three in the morning, who cares?

[A]

You know what I like about 7/11? They really appreciate the past. Like, for instance, that hot dog that's been on the rollers has been in there as long as I've had computer number three.

[B]

Oh, son Ziza.

[A]

That's where Pickles is. She's just rotating on Sonia's little hot dog thing in the basement. I got one from the 7 11.

[B]

Pickles is like, literally in a pickles jar downstairs just waiting to emerge. She's like, please, someone unscrew this top and let me free free Pickles, people.

[A]

She's rapid state.

[B]

Yeah. So Francie. Francie is playing Donna Reed, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. Sorry, we could say something.

[A]

I'm just, like, laughing about Pickles in a jar, yearning to come out and, like, imagining her, like, finally climbing out. She's like, is it the year 2135? Like, no, it's actually just three years later. She's like, oh.

[B]

She's like, well, at least the computers are still here. It's like a box of soap, some.

[A]

Old paper towels carved into it, some.

[B]

Old Viva paper towels that were never opened.

[A]

It's actually not Viva paper towels. It's actually a roll of paper towels made from other paper towels. It's like a little Viva, a little charm and little up and up.

[B]

Recycled paper towels.

[A]

I put extra paper towels so I could make a new roll from the spare parts.

[B]

So she's. Tinsley's just down there to start shit. She's like, hey, Frenchie, so what about. What about this other dude you're dating? What happened to Rocco? You know? And he's like, oh, I do not care. You know, this. This dating, these rules you have in America. You date, you be with someone, you tie them down, tie them to tree. Every time mailman comes, dog tries bite leg off. So, like, jesus Christ, Frenchie. You know, that's Frenchie's way of just saying, I can fuck whoever I want and I'm still getting free rent. And don't try and step onto my property, bitch. Like, let my arrangement stand. Tinsley, I'm feeding you an egg right now.

[A]

Well, Tinsley has a right to make the digs. Because apparently Frenchie was intended for Tinsley, but then Sonya took him for herself. So this is her little way of getting revenge.

[B]

Yeah. And she's like, well, so you're seeing other people too, Frenchie. And he's like, seeing, yes, but no, not having sex. This is friends. Oh, I don't like words. You Americans, you have these words. You say you have a word that means something and then it's supposed to mean something else. I don't even know what you're saying. Sentence structure. Come on. And somebody's like, yeah, friends. Yeah, just friends. I don't like words either. Frenchie going out to be down with words.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So.

[A]

So then. So after this Frenchie scene, we then go over to Bethany's apartment where she is making a whole bunch of little Christmas gifts for the ladies, minus Ramona. And by Bethany making Christmas gifts, I mean Julia, her assistant, is doing them because Bethany's gonna have a Christmas party.

[B]

Yeah. Her assistant's just walking around going, Bethany, you look wonderful. And of course there's a huge skinny girl lose ice sculpture in the middle. Yeah. Just in case anybody forgot what Bethany does for a living. Yeah.

[A]

And Bethany, the professional chef is having this catered by a guy, what's his name? Joe or something like that, who was actually making a lot of delicious stuff. But like, my. I was like, sort of traumatized by Bethany eating a lobster roll and then talking with her mouth open. And it was just like all gooey and cream cheesy. Like these strings of. Of mayo or cream cheese or whatever were all in her mouth. I was like, it's not a good look.

[B]

Bethany, she's just trying to prove that she can eat, you know, she's like, look, I'm eating.

[A]

What's the matter? Like, what's the matter? Happy holidays. Like, what is this? It's like Krampus. I don't. I don't get it. Like, what's going on?

[B]

You got a close up of this.

[A]

Like, why is this an Olympic event? Like, it's illusion. Like, I don't get it. Like, like, I thought you're supposed to die on this. It's supposed to be scary. Like, like, I don't know, it's not. Not fast. Like, I could do it. I can get. Do I get a gold medal now? Like, am I going Olympics? Am I like, Olympia now? Like, literally kill me now? Like, I'll say, like, you know what? Like, send me down the luge thing and just kill me now and like, run me over the bobsled then. Like, I Can't. It's too cold.

[B]

Oh, Bethany, you're hilarious. All right, what's the matter?

[A]

What's the matter?

[B]

What's going on?

[A]

Where's the loosh?

[B]

So she is. She's made little balloon heads of all the ladies, except for Ramona, and she's put them in, like, these glass vase. I mean, it's weird. It's basically like a bunch of decapitated houses.

[A]

They were like. They were like. I thought they were Christmas ornaments that had their faces on them.

[B]

Oh, I thought they were balloons. I guess that makes more sense. I mean, those were huge, though.

[A]

No, they were nice. They were nice and personalized. They had caricatures. They were. They were nice. It was a good gift.

[B]

This one looks like one of Ramona's breast implants. So.

[A]

So then we.

[B]

She's like, well, you know, last year I had a holiday party, and I just loved it. So now it's annual. It's, like, gonna be every year. Like Christmas, you know, it's gonna come. It's gonna come like Christmas every year.

[A]

My favorite is then. Then we cut to Dorinda in the cab, and she just had, like, all this tissue paper and plastic and. You. Nice, nice.

[B]

Now, this is why he backs under the couch. Because you asked me last minute, rapper, like, how could you do that when you have John sitting on that couch? It's like the. You know, Dorinda just loves to sit there and be mad at John at all times. Like, she's putting wrapping paper under the couch because you stop making noise. John trying to watch the good fight.

[A]

All right, you're making too much. I'm going in the other room watching La Nada.

[B]

So.

[A]

So, yeah, she's, like, making some. Like, all this tissue paper is, like, rubbing up against her mic, and I. It was so obnoxious. But you know, the editor. It's. It's classic Dorinda. And that's why the editors put it in there.

[B]

I mean, that is so funny, Dorinda. It's like five packages of that wrapping tissue. Like, five. Like, what are you wrapping that you need all of.

[A]

There probably was no gift in there. She's like. And you know what's funny? I forgot a gift after all that. I don't know why I think about sometimes.

[B]

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm thinking about, you know? So funny. Like a regular birthday gift. Is it her birthday? I don't know. I don't know. I just forget things. It's called being a blackout drunk, Dorinda. Okay? Sometimes, you know, you're supposed to do something and then you wake up like, like later and you're like, what was I supposed to do? Yeah, stop drinking.

[A]

Supposed to go driving. So then, so everyone's about across town.

[B]

Ramona's putting on lipstick. She's like, oh, look, there's a stick. It's a stick of stuff for my lips. I'm gonna put it aunt. And I heard Bethany's having a holiday party and I'm not invited. Am I happy about it? No, but it's good news is I'm going out with Avery and her girlfriends.

[A]

Avery and her girlfriends are basically like me and my girlfriends. Basically, I'm just like one of the girls. I'm like a 22 year old girl. We're just gonna go out and get some wine. Okay.

[B]

This is. Avery's girlfriends are like my girlfriend. Except no one in their group has had sex with Tom yet. No.

[A]

Whoa. Is this what it means when it says you're gonna get a 23 and me kit? You go out and hang out a bunch of 23 year old girls? Okay. Because I like it.

[B]

So then over at Sonia's, she's packing a bunch of crap to make room for Frenchie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who's coming in. Wait, is this when we find this out?

[A]

Oh, no. She's so base. No, Sonia's just packing to go to Phuket for New Year's and Tinsley and Connor. So Tinsley and Connor are like, yay. Because they apparently are going to have a big party once Sonya leaves and they put it out on Paperless Post. And Sonia's like, you know, like, she's very distracting to my assistant. She has to stop. Like, what is Connor doing? What is Connor doing all day? Where is.

[B]

Do you know how many things he could be doing for me? Paperless had plenty of Paperless things that he could do.

[A]

What math equations is he trying to solve right now? Or formulas.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That he cannot be distracted from?

[B]

Just numbers flying by Connor's head like A Beautiful Mind. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. So let's see. She's packing, then Bethany's getting ready for her party and she's talking to the chef and she's like, remember last year? Remember last year when I ordered a lobster roll? That was great. Yeah, I went to all the other burrows too. Like, lobster roll. Lobster roll. Lobster roll. What are you even talking about? Just please, just please leave him alone. Let him do his job.

[A]

Yeah, but. But that's not gonna happen for him. Because Dorinda comes shows up and she's like, you know what I wanna do? I want to learn how to open up an oyster. So, so he, like, he's, he, he shows her. He's like, you stick it in there and you wait for the little release. Like, oh, it's like sexual and stuff.

[B]

He was being sexual. He was like, the next John. I mean, Dorinda. I can't believe Dorinda didn't put on her flip flops and try and climb that mountain. Because he is like John. He's like, yeah, well, here's what you do. You get this knife and then you put it in his ass. It's the back door. Just the tip. And Bethany's like, yeah, just a tip. I knew you was gonna say that, Bethany. Yeah, well, it's the tip. You know, just put the tip in there. He's like, yeah. Then you shove it in there and then you move it around a little bit and you try not to get stuff splurting everywhere. And then boom. It is like sex. It's like eating oysters is like eating the sea. Wet and salty.

[A]

I will say this about Bethany. She is always good for a low hanging fruit sex joke. Because if you say something like.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Like, wow, the wind is really blowing like a blowjob. Like, okay, Bethany, I hope they're making.

[B]

A lot of money for that blowing. Get it?

[A]

The ones blowing so hard, it's like, you know, it's like a hooker. Like a hooker down on like Bourbon Street. You know what I'm saying? It's like blowing all day, all night long. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Wet and salty. I think he's talking about vaginas. Huh? He's like, I'm literally talking about vaginas.

[A]

I like how that has become part of our Bethany impersonation.

[B]

That's the one, Teresa.

[A]

Yeah. Because she's never ever done that. But like, but Bethany's humor has become so cat skillsy. Like we just imagine.

[B]

Well, Bethany laughs like Kate Chastain. And so you can't imitate her laugh because it's just this. That's her entire laugh.

[A]

She has a next level laugh where she will just like, you know, but that's like that rare laugh where you laugh so hard you're like practically crying, you know? But yeah, mostly it's that.

[B]

Yeah. When she can't help it and she sounds like Drew Barrymore being murdered in Scream, you know, so Dorinda, back with the oyster. Dorinda's like, ah, she's so sexy.

[A]

Oyster.

[B]

I'm gonna take this to the bedroom and teach Jan. I'm like, please don't shove anything inside John's back door and expect wet and salty. Like, I don't need to hear any of this.

[A]

Please, no excessive slurping around John.

[B]

Can we just celebrate baby Jesus? How about that, guys? How about that?

[A]

Well, we can if we go over to Megu with Ramona and all the. All the girls where Ramona is like, I can't believe it. I've known these girls like 10 years. They went to Avery's Sweet 16, and now they're drinking wine. I'm learning things about wine for them now. They know their Chardonnay and the Sangiovesy, and they're Chirac. They know everything now. It's crazy. Whoa.

[B]

They're Burgundies. They're pinots. The Chardonnay. God forbid I don't have the right flavor of wine for them. Whoa.

[A]

That's crazy. Reminds me, this one time, I was this little girl, and I was looking at my dad's wine, and I said, could I have some of that wine? And Geraldine Parsons Smith came up to me and said, you sure can. Because as we all know, you're the big wine expert, as in W H I N E. And to this day, I've never been able to tell the difference between wine and wine. Okay, I'm sorry, I can't.

[B]

When they get out at the restaurant, it's like this sexy Sex in the City. I've got no Ramona's. Ramona was just so perfect in this entire episode. I only need to go off what Ramona actually does on this because she's like, look sexy ladies coming out of the car. Okay, how about when we come out of the car, you put the camera down on the ground so all you see is legs. Like, sexy legs. Play that Amy wine music because these girls love their wines. Okay? It's like, like 20 year old legs. 20 year old legs. 20 year Old Legs. And the Ramona's like, thank you. Okay. Thank you so much. Okay. I'm just one of the girls. So the girls start arriving over at Bethany's house, and Carol's like, you said to wear sparkles.

[A]

Is literally the girl from the ring, has crawled out of the TV and is ready to have a holiday party.

[B]

My hair's in my face. Is there a step coming up?

[A]

I'm sorry. I just finished decorating my. Wow.

[B]

Hey, speaking of wealth, we have a luge over there, you know, Go try it. It's a luge. Like, you put liquor in the top, and then it comes out the bottom of the well. It's amazing. It's amazing, girl. Try it.

[A]

Yeah, Put your lips on it. Like, do it right now.

[B]

She's like, well, I like to drink when it's fun. And then Carol puts her lips around that loose. Aren't you just supposed to open your mouth and just let stuff. I don't need all these.

[A]

It's full contact.

[B]

Nasty lips of this group. But she does it. She's like, I'm only gonna drink again if it's from a luge or a sippy straw.

[A]

For some reason, that really made me laugh. Cause she smiled, like, so happily. Cause you could. She really loves a sippy straw. And I think that her delight was contagious for me.

[B]

Yeah, I drink everything with the sippy straw. You'll notice. I even drink my martinis with a straw. Oh, I didn't prefer a straw.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

I took it from my water. That's why I always have a water. I order three drinks. A water, a glass of ice, and a martini.

[A]

Forgot about that thing. A shot of tequila in a tall glass. Okay. Then some water in a short glass. And then some water in a medium sized glass. Okay.

[B]

And 19 limes, just in case. You never know what you're gonna need. So speaking of, Ramona's in heaven over at this restaurant because there's like 90, 000 glasses on the table. You know, she's like, this is called power girls. This is power glass.

[A]

Yeah. And Avery is like, pellegrino is like my water. Like, I literally called it water growing up. I'm like, because it is water. It's sparkling water. And then this other girl goes, that's like one of my favorite things about going over to your house. There's always called bottled water. I was like, girl, which desert have you been living in?

[B]

Ramona? You girls, you guys can hang with me. Okay. We'll call it like once a week. We could do it and we could call it the thing. No, the singer thing. Okay. And then you guys could have your friends, and then I can bring my friends, and then we'll mix and it'll be just girls being girls with other girls and her friends. Her friend goes, do your girlfriends have sons that maybe they could bring? And Ramona just gives her this look, like you're missing the point of what I'm trying to say.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Clearly what's not involved. Penises. Yeah. Who could blame him, Ryer? He's grown up nicely.

[A]

Yeah, he certainly has. So then we. We learned that Ramona had actually had a charity event the night before. And we see on all these flashbacks that Tinsley lets the cat out of the bag about Bethany's holiday party because she's like, hey, so are you going to. You going to Bethany's party? Do you have a tissue? And Ramona's like, what party? I didn't even know about it. Okay, so am I upset about it?

[B]

Yeah. Why is Word Beatty? Why is the bubby version of Ward Beatty here? There's like, some guy who looks like Warren Beatty had all his blood sucked out and then all of his skin tied behind his head with, like, a rubber band. And then someone put a lot of lotion on him and just set him loose in this party.

[A]

He looks sort of like a svelte penguin from, like, Batman penguin, not like an actual penguin.

[B]

And I think he even was like, here's the key to the city or whatever. Like, he was really.

[A]

He definitely was a Tim Burton creature, that's for sure. Like, he could have been like. Like Beetlejuice's brother.

[B]

Yes. It's like the guy that, you know, that Helena Bonham Carter fucked to mess up that whole marriage. You're like, oh, Helena, of course you ruined it over that guy. It's, like, worth it. So Ramona is back with the girls, and she's like, girls. So, girls, anybody want to curl my hair right now while I tell this story? Hey, can we have a comb? Could you bring a comb? We're going to comb each other's hair because we're girls. She's like, girl talk.

[A]

Slumber party, okay?

[B]

Look at me, I'm Sandra D. No offense to anybody here, okay?

[A]

Pushes my buttons, okay?

[B]

Yeah. Sandra D. Came up to me and she was pushing my buttons, and I blacked out like an animal, okay? I went on a rampage. Like an animal. Blackout rampage, okay? I was like a bear eating fish and knocking over trees. I don't even remember, but I saw it on the news.

[A]

I was like a bull in a china shop, except I would never break any china that was colored yellow because yellow reminds me of sunshine, okay?

[B]

Also, Bethany's full of so much bull, I can't compete. Get it, girls?

[A]

I'm like a Bethany in a china shop because she's just pure bull, okay? Yeah. So Ramona, girls.

[B]

Well, she's like me. You know, she grew up in crazy homes and, like, she's just, you know, she's like thin and good looking and.

[A]

Gorgeous and just Successful businesswoman who's adored by all the fans, who had her own talk show. We're just like.

[B]

So her friend, Avery's friend's like, well, you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around your friends. I mean, that's not fair to you. And that's not true friendship.

[A]

Yeah. Everyone's like, hallelujah, hallelujah. Spoken from a 22 year old girl. Could you believe it? Can you believe it? And then what I loved was that there was some other girl who, like, clearly wanted to piggyback and, like, get points with Ramona. And this other girl just goes, yeah, you'd don't want to have to walk on eggshells with your friend.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm like, that's what that other bitch just said. Be quiet.

[B]

Just drink your Pellegrino, okay?

[A]

You're not adding anything substantive to this, to this conversation, okay? Did I even say that word right? Caduce to me.

[B]

So over at the party, Dorinda's like, yeah, it was a party, Ramona. LA party. I went and I said my piece and we get a flashback. Why weren't we sewn this party?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

This party looks amazing.

[A]

It looked so good, by the way. I just want to say that I was really amused that Ramona declared that she had a bond with the 22 year old girls, that they're now all bonded for life.

[B]

We're together forever.

[A]

Yeah. So anyway, yes. So Dorinda ruins.

[B]

We get a flashback of this party. She's like, hey, Ramona, it's drunk Dorinda. So she's like flying off the handle. She's like, don't you yell at me, Ramona. My ass is a shithole. It's like the goddamn Playbo. I had to go in there and peel Scott Bay off the floor.

[A]

I mean, what are you? What are you, some paint chipping, eating monster?

[B]

And actually, you're a disgrace. Last year, your dog shit's all over. This year, you ripped down the walls. Next year, I'm just gonna leave you a tiny little terrorist with a bomb vest and you can just push him over and blow the entire place up. Ramona.

[A]

And then Sonia walks into Bethany's party and she sees Dorinda talking about the paints again. She's like, this again? Do we have to always talk about this?

[B]

Connor, did I tell you? Has anybody heard about what a paperless post is? Could someone please explain that to me?

[A]

How do you have a post? That paper. I tried to log on to my apple Iie. I Can't find anything about it. But I did use Bank Street Press to get right a nice little poem.

[B]

If there's no paper, what's the postman gonna post? I mean, I worry for those guys who's gonna be ringing on the doorbell that we're not answering for Tinsley.

[A]

I mean, I've never heard of anything so ridiculous. How are you gonna have the New York Post without paper? I mean, how am I gonna read Page Six without the pages? Doesn't make sense.

[B]

The New York Post list, does that make sense to anybody else? How are they gonna subscribe? How do you even send it? A little subscribe thing that's in the middle of the paper.

[A]

I just wish Tinsley would make sense. She would say things that made sense so she could focus on her career and focus on getting a man and focus on getting out of my house.

[B]

So Dorinda does still go about it more and more. And then it cuts back to Ramona at dinner, and she's like, oh, my God, girl. So girl. Dorinda got so upset with me because there were these things on the wall and they were lit up. And I was so upset emotionally. Like, she starts to tapping her head. She's like, emotionally, I wasn't thinking because of Bethany. And so I just tore it. And it took some painting. And she's so upset now. She's like, so set.

[A]

I just. I like that because basically there were lights from production that were taped up on the walls. That Ramona, she can't say that, but she's also afraid to actually say the word lights. So she makes it sound like there's some alien creatures. There's these things and they're all lit up. I couldn't find a plug, and they were just bright. And I just saw lights. I was like, gloria Stefan. I finally saw the light and I didn't like it. I tore down. I broke up the paint. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ruined your house. But there were bright things, shining objects. I can't deal. Little UFOs, private. In my room.

[B]

Sonya was trying to get them to probe her. I said, get off the dresser. I'm trying to sleep.

[A]

Sonia, this is not time to play Communion, okay? You're not dealing with aliens. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Close Encounters of the Sonia Morgan Kind.

[B]

No one wants to probe your anus, okay? So she ripped them off the wall or whatever. Now, here's where Ramona. And you can even see that Dorinda probably said Ramona if they were production lights. They were just plugged in. It's not like they're wired to the house. Because she said there were these things on the wall. And I mean, I guess there was a plug, but I didn't see the plug because. Emotionally upset. Because BETHANY. Because, like, 9, 11, like the Vietnam War. You understand? Like, upset.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So instead of just unplugging the light, she, like, rips them off like the Hulk.

[A]

Yeah. Which is. They must have been hot. I don't even know how she did it, but.

[B]

And then it cuts to Sonia and she goes, well, that's just typical Ramona. I mean, I told you, every time we go to a hotel, she trashes the bathrooms like she's a rock star.

[A]

Which is so disgusting.

[B]

You could just see Ramona, like, oh, really? Trash can. You think you're right side up right now? You're not. You're upside down. Whoa.

[A]

Let me take a shit in this toilet. But I'm not gonna flush it, okay? I'm just gonna add more toilet paper. And more and more and more.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

What a crazy life I live.

[B]

I dropped a towel on the ground. Okay? My bed is called poison.

[A]

Whoa. Making me clean up my own mess. You know what that is? That's day classe. There's a reason why they have mates. Their job. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not going to clean up my own bathroom. Okay.

[B]

I'm a regular Janice Chopin. So.

[A]

I'm a Jimmy Hydrox. Just like the.

[B]

I'm Beethoven. Not the dog, the rock star. So she's back at dinner. She's like, cheers, girls, to nothing ever being my fault. Full. No. And here's to not walking on eggshells. And that girl's like, yeah, you shouldn't ever walk on eggs.

[A]

Eggshells. I said it, too.

[B]

So then back at Bethany, Bethany's is cheering, too. She's like, all right, everybody, cheers. Cheers, Cheers. Because it's like eggnog in these chocolate chip cups. Because they're cups, but they're made out of chocolate chip cookies. But, like, you know, they didn't special. So, like, watch out, it's drunk. And Carol's like, I'm only drinking again if it's from a chocolate chip cup or a luge or a sippy cup. I love that Carol's boundaries are just, like, totally being blown open.

[A]

This episode, it was a big, big episode for personal growth for her. I learned so much.

[B]

Carol has found three things she'll drink from now. Watch out.

[A]

Hey. I would drink from a cookie cup any day. I was really jealous.

[B]

How far behind can AA be? Oh, yeah. Cookie cups looked really good.

[A]

I was starving. It occurred to me that, like. Cause we had dinner. And it occurred to me that it was not like a very big dinner because we were talking so much that, like, I realized afterwards, I was like, I only. I had, like, five little chicken meatballs, and that was it. Essentially.

[B]

I had three pieces of that roll and, like, two pieces of meat that I didn't understand that came on the skewers. How did those little people eat all that food? That was a lot of food, right?

[A]

It was. It was a lot of food. But it's just that we were talking so much. And so it was like when I got home and I was watching this drunk New York, which is why I'm a little patchy with some of this. I was like, wait a second, I'm starving. We didn't really have dinner.

[B]

I love days like that.

[A]

I know. I was like, you know.

[B]

You know those people who are like, oh, I just forgot to eat today. I'm a little lightheaded. I'm like, who the fuck forgets to eat? Like, my whole. My body won't let. It's like, you're not eating. You're not eating. What are you doing right now? You're not eating. Why aren't you eating right now?

[A]

But we did it. We successfully forgot to have a full dinner.

[B]

Well, I came home and ate a couple of Tylenol PMs.

[A]

Oh, okay, that'll help.

[B]

Delicious.

[A]

Here comes one right now.

[B]

So let's see here. What's next?

[A]

What's next is the one and only wedding. This is the wedding we've been waiting for for a year. As some of you probably already know, Luann did not allow Bravo cameras into her wedding, which is a big mistake. Huge, huge mistake. But she had all this, like, personal footage that I think she sold to People magazine or something like that. So essentially, Bravo kind of did like, a little montage of Luann's personal footage, which was sort of nice too, because it, you know, at least it was quick. It was like a five minute thing of, you know, there's Luann getting to a dress, and there's Luann posing, and there's Luanna Dom, and there's Tom in hair and makeup.

[B]

You know, this was a huge surprise because, you know, mostly Bravo people get married so that their wedding is paid for by Bravo. Yeah, they're like, we got to do it in the season. But she didn't. And I thought that was odd because she is a TV person and, you know, she would want the attention, etc. But then I thought, you know, she probably does not want cameras following around Tom because, I mean, this guy cannot keep his foot out of his mouth. Like, everything he says is so awkward and weird that if they had cameras following him around, you know, she knows what production did last year with that make out thing in the fucking bar lounge. She knows that was production. You took that picture.

[A]

Yeah, she. I agree with you. I think that she was like, listen, I just want to have fun at my wedding and I don't want to be bothered with being faced with Tom's infidelities, so let's just stick our heads in the sand and enjoy this.

[B]

Yes, but me, I was just. There's nothing to tape under the sand but me.

[A]

Meanwhile, I'm thinking myself, you know, In Vanderpump Rules, we had three episodes devoted to Katie and Tom's Wednesday wedding up in the forest. Okay? And here we only get five minutes of Luann's. This is like the actual. The first Bravo wedding I've been, like, genuinely excited to see ever. And that's only like.

[B]

And you know, there was only one main camera because Jill Zarin was in front of it the whole time. She's like, hi, it's me, Jill. Jill Zamarin. Remember me? Still got it. Mazel tov.

[A]

Yeah, it was a lot of. And there's just a lot of Luann narrating like, it's beautiful. It's perfect. It's wonderful.

[B]

What a perfect day. I'm so ready and I'm so happy.

[A]

And then, then they show the ceremony and the officiant is like, love is reckless, not reason. I'm like, damn, even he's against this. You're making a reckless decision. Luann. I'm here to tell you, like, is.

[B]

When you're making out with someone at a hotel bar. Love is when you go home to someone who's pretending nothing ever happened. Mazel tov, everybody.

[A]

Love is looking the other way when your wife hooks up with a Johnny Depp pirate.

[B]

After he banged Sonia anally in a greenhouse. All right, everybody, let's crush a glass and get on with it, shall we?

[A]

So my only observations was Noel is super hot now that he's like 22. And Kelly Bensimone was there. And did you see Kelly Bensimon in the background?

[B]

No, I was making an egg sandwich.

[A]

Oh. Well, it's pretty much the same experience, but she was there. And then was that Amanda Lepore coming.

[B]

Out of the cage. This is your brain on Ben Simone.

[A]

Any questions? Actually, many, many questions.

[B]

Yeah, it was like home video footage. And Luann just kept saying, I'm happy. Can you believe it? Look at me. I'm so happy. Oh. And then I walked down the aisle. Oh, so happy. I'm so happy. Like, I'm making a sandwich. I can't.

[A]

Was that Amanda Lepore at one point?

[B]

Like, literally? I don't know.

[A]

I really was truly making a sandwich. Okay, I think Amanda Lepore came out of a cake. But I could be. I could be wrong.

[B]

Oh, that Marilyn Monroe chick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, that was funny. And then Luann's like, look, I have a sombrero. Everybody enjoy their tacos. And she, like, took off her sombrero and that, like, playmate, like, kissing her. She's like, you're gorgeous. And Luann said, you know, it's just. You find someone in life, and you have a playmate. And now I have a new playmate, and I love my new playmate. I'm like, well, do you love his new playmate? Like, his playmate just jumped out of Damn cake. Luann, come on.

[A]

I think my favorite part to come out of this wedding was the fact that Luann released a new single. That was my favorite part of it.

[B]

My God, I cannot wait to hear it. I heard about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I couldn't stay up for. Watch what happens live when she performed it.

[A]

Okay, well, guess what? Of course, since we are a professional podcast, we have the single right here, so I'm gonna play it. All right, is everyone ready to hear Luann's new single? Oh, my God.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

By everyone, I mean Ronnie.

[B]

Okay, here we go.

[A]

Would you believe it, girls? I'm getting married. Me, Countess Luanda Lesseps, to Tom d'. Agostino. That's crazy. Sonia used to bang Tom all the time, and we used to play that game. What a crazy world. Can't you just be happy for me? Ramona Yachts, Hampton's, West Palm beach now we have them all in reach We've got money, we've got flair and look at Bethany with my hand. So come on, Dorinda. Come on, Jill. We got the odd and Tom's got the bid. Cause it's Wednesday night at the Ready Regency Tommy Tune's gonna show. Just wait and see. So what. What is this? Is this, like a rap? Like a rap? Like a wedding rap? Like. Like, I don't get it? Like, I don't get your brand. Like, I don't understand what's going on to the clean out. Hey, be happy for her. Do the Dagostino. Do the Dagostino do the Dagostino do the Dagostino Do. Do the Dagastino. Do the Dagostino do the Dagastino right now. Do the Dagger. Dino. Got my tickets, got my room. But where's the invite? Is it coming soon? Tom's a cheater. I'm sorry. He is. But you know what they say. Ignorance is bliss. Why can't you just be happy for me? Ooh, I like the way that sounds. Let's just work with this a little bit. I'm feeling a little inspired. Okay, here we go. Why can't you be happy for me and Tom? Wait, like, what is this juvenile? I don't get it. The d'. Agostino do the Dago. Do the Dagostino. Do the Dagostino do. Oh, I did Tom for, like, 10 years. We were lovers, Santa. They love me down there. So it's kind of funny because. Ls friend Barbara isn't so sure that.

[B]

She wants to go through this. Does.

[A]

Does anyone have a tissue? You don't have a tissue? I just a. Hey, John. John gets in the tissue. You know what they say. You get some snot on you, it happens, you know? Please say it's not about Tom. It's about Tom.

[B]

Just think it.

[A]

I think it's a bad guy, Luanne. I think he's a bad guy. Really? At least you didn't have to hear about it on page six. Okay, do the D'. Agostino. Do the D'. Agostino. Do the D'. Agostino dot do the D'. Agostino. Like, you know what? Let's just do the D'.

[B]

Agostino.

[A]

Do the D'. Agostino.— okay. Do the D'. AgostinosO. Do the D'.

[B]

AgostinesO.

[A]

It is about the Tom and me. Would you believe it? We're getting married.

[B]

That is amazing.

[A]

Really?

[B]

That is perfection.

[A]

Oh, man, Luan, sometimes it's moments like these when I realize why I have not gone ahead in Hollywood. Because I'm making stupid ass songs on garage band.

[B]

That is hilarious.

[A]

Oh, man. Well, thank you. And thank you, Luann. Thank you, Luann.

[B]

Thank you, Luann. Really. Hey, be happy for them. Just let her be happy. That was amazing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Good job, Luigan. Good job.

[A]

Thank you, Luann. Thank you, Luann.

[B]

I don't know why I'm being single.

[A]

It will be. It will be.

[B]

Can you believe it?

[A]

Girls getting married.

[B]

That is so good.

[A]

Guys, before we go, any Further, in this episode, there's something really cool, really quick and easy, we want you to do. We rely on advertising to keep this show free. And if you could do us a favor, could you go to podcastlistener.com crappins and answer a few short questions? It'd be super helpful to us.

[B]

Yeah. Again, that's podcastlistener.com crappiens. Podcastlistener.com crappens. Just take that little survey, okay?

[A]

It takes, like, a minute. And you know who doesn't love a good survey? Thanks.

[B]

Okay, podcast over.

[A]

No, just kidding. Because guess what? Two weeks later, now we're in January, and it's Bethany and Carol getting dim sum. And I love the way Bethany talks about Carol sometimes, because Carol's like, all these ducks hanging from the windows. And Bethany's just like. Like, I don't get Carol. Like, she's, like, lost in America. Like, she doesn't know what she. Where she is. Like. Like, we live in New York City. The guys come out with cards. I need dumplings. That's what you do. Like, I don't get. I don't. I don't see why cows having such a hard time with this.

[B]

Daryl's like, is this place even real? Of course it's real. Why would you even say it's not real? She's like, because Trump said that global warming is a Chinese hoax, so maybe Chinatown's a hoax, too. She's like, just shut up. Just.

[A]

Just. Just look, look, look. We're looking at things that aren't white right now, okay? Just, like, enjoy it for a moment, okay?

[B]

It's Simpson. Okay? Pick a roll. Just do something. They're going to. You do it. I don't want to. She's like, you're very negative. And then the waiter comes by with the. With. With all the food, and she goes. She's. She's being very negative today. Really negative. Super negative. What? What? You're going to frown at a rib? You see she's frowning at a rib. Like, seriously.

[A]

Like, who doesn't like a bow? Like, honestly, take a bow. Like, literally, take a bow. Take a bow and get out of here. Like, honestly, I can't deal with you anymore. Like, curtain. Call it. Time for you to go.

[B]

So. You're so American right now. So she's like, I'm not negative. Someone needs coffee. Well, it's not on the cart, so I'm not gonna get it. It's only what's on the cart, okay?

[A]

I only eat food when it's not on wheels.

[B]

Is there a Sippy cup with fried rice in it. Otherwise, I'm out of here.

[A]

Does this green tea come in a.

[B]

Chocolate chip cookie cup?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. Can I have that green tea from a luge, please? Is it luge you want? Rib?

[A]

Your green tea destroyed our luge.

[B]

I can see your ribs. Get it? No. You're the worst. Why am I eating lunch with you?

[A]

Honestly, like, kill me right now. Like, shoot me like shumai. Shumai. That's what I am. Like, shumai, shoot me right now. Hark out.

[B]

So Bethany's like, yeah, what about that wedding? Like, did that even happen? Because, like, she's having a party to celebrate a marriage that nobody saw. Like, if a marriage happens in Palm beach that nobody saw, did it even happen?

[A]

Seriously, seriously philosophical questions like, I can't. Like, literally, I can't like fortune cookie.

[B]

And so they. So then Carol talks about how there's other rumors about Tom now, blah, blah, blah. And then she starts talking about how Adam's finally moving out. And she's like. I said, honey, do you need help moving? Here's everything. Your watermelon radishes, your skateboard, your unwashed socks, the razor you never use.

[A]

You're just for men.

[B]

Yeah, you're just gonna say your box of peroxide, your little foiled oilies you put in your hair when you highlight it. Get out. Get out.

[A]

I lost my Carol voice. I had been working on it for a few weeks, but now it's. I've, like, I've gone the other way. I've regressed. So now I'm back to croaking, like.

[B]

You know, I'm basically just Marge Simpson on her dying breath. I leave everything to Lisa, including Adam's stuff.

[A]

So meanwhile, Ramona goes and visits Dorinda, and she's like, I want all the. The deets about the wedding, okay? I want all the deets.

[B]

So I learned that word. Look, I'm hip. Don't give me details, give me deets. Okay? I need beats.

[A]

I learned it from a 22 year old girl who have a bond with very special. She gave me very good advice about eggshells. I don't remember what. Something about, like, make sure to crush all the eggshells. I don't know.

[B]

Would you like me to do the Roger Rabbit before you give me the deets?

[A]

So then Dorinda. Dorinda's giving her. Giving her the deeds. And at one point, she starts talking about how, like, yeah, we all went to the Leopard Lounge. Ramona goes, everyone went there. That's Nice.

[B]

Yeah, Ramona's really laying it on thick for this. She's like, oh, she looks gorgeous. Like, she looks like she's from a magazine of, like, ladies who just taken rich, you know, sluts into their life. Like, if there was a magazine about that, she would be the COVID girl. What a beaut. And Dorinda's like, yeah, I almost forgot to go to the wedding. I forgot to book my tickets. And then the week before, she texted me, like, you're gonna come. You're gonna come to the wedding. We'll meet here. And I was like, oh, my God, it's the wedding. I forgot. Totally forgot.

[A]

Good thing I got this tissue paper.

[B]

Lila there. I'm in Palm beach after the leopard place. It's the next day, and I get a check. You're supposed to be if you hair, your makeup, etc, etc, And I thought, oh, my God, I'll go over there tipsy at noon. And then I forgot my bridesmaids dressed.

[A]

And then I found out I was in Palm Springs, not Palm Beach. Oh, my God.

[B]

I said, palm Desert. That's close, right?

[A]

So then next thing I know, I get off the plane, you know, 16 hours later, and I'm like, what? Why am I at the Palm in Dubai?

[B]

Oh, God, you're getting married at the Palms in Vegas, right? She said, no. I was like, jeez, I wrote it down somewhere, but I don't remember.

[A]

Hey, you want a sandwich? You make a sandwich.

[B]

So Ramona's like, oh, well, I guess now they're gonna have a party for people who didn't get to go to the wedding. It's gonna be called the party of the discards.

[A]

Yeah, Ramona's not into it. She's like, I'm. I'm not into it. And you know what? I'm with her. I think it's insulting.

[B]

Well, it's also obviously something. Bravo was like, well, can we at least have an after party? That's true in New York. And they're like, here we got this room at the bottom of a Marriott for $5.

[A]

Room for you. Yeah, it has three tables with, you know, some tablecloths wrapped around them. You can. You can do that, right?

[B]

Meanwhile, in Chinatown, Bethany's like, look at that. Look. It's like an entire octopus. Like, can you believe that?

[A]

It's like a serious.

[B]

It's like, seriously, an entire octopus and a giant pig. You know, it's like. It's what people eat. They just don't see it up close first. You know, it's like, if There was a cow hanging there. Would people still eat it?

[A]

I don't know. Have these women never gone to Chinatown in all their lives? They were. I mean, they were like, look at that. It's like Chinese lettering. Like, it's like a different Alphabet. It's like, it's not even. It's not even. Different language, different Alphabet. Like, you can't read it to me. It's like script Scrabble. Like, I don't get it. Like, literally, like, how do I write skinny girl? And, like, how do they see my brand? And then do they read my brand? They understand my brand? Like, how do you say skinny girl in China? Like. Like, what is this? Are we still in America? Like, I don't get it.

[B]

In China, they're all skinny, so it's just called girl.

[A]

But girls I look down upon. We actually call it boy. It's called boy. Drink boy. So. So she's like, they go to an ice cream parlor.

[B]

Yeah. They go, yeah, they go get ice cream. And Carol's like, I got a chanel purse for $10.

[A]

And Bethany is like, here. It's like, everything's a little different here. Like, it's different. Little different flavors. Like, vanilla ice cream. Oh, sesame seeds. And it's like, sesame ice cream with, like, vanilla beans in it. Like, it's. Everything's a little different here, Carol. And she's like, I'll have chocolate, please. And at one point. At one point, Carol goes, what's blueberry?

[B]

Lavender.

[A]

And the girl goes, it's blueberry with a hint of lavender.

[B]

Bethany goes, what do you think it was?

[A]

I don't know. I thought, like, blueberry was, like, Chinese for chocolate.

[B]

I don't know. When she said, can I just have chocolate? The lady gives her chocolate. And Bethany goes, is it good? Is it good? She goes, it's chocolate ice cream.

[A]

They just suddenly turn into, like, the most hilarious, like, old Jewish ladies, you.

[B]

Know, so wrong that I got chocolate ice cream.

[A]

No, it's your life. Living your life. It's your world.

[B]

So, yeah, so I get chocolate.

[A]

You got your thing.

[B]

What's the.

[A]

You know what?

[B]

We're alive. We have our health. That's all that matters, Right? Yeah, you're right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All right. I Seriously, I can't go up to the counter and be like, can I have health? Like, they don't do that. But, you know, we're grateful to have it. You know, it's not something that's on the menu. That's what I'm saying.

[A]

I asked the health they gave me.

[B]

What'S in the green tea? It's tea. It's green tea that's frozen. Like ice cream. Oh, it tastes like chocolate.

[A]

Although I have to say, I often think that green tea ice cream tastes like chocolate. So I was with Carol.

[B]

You have a CP cup. So Sonia is moving stuff, and. And her house with Connor. She's like, well, where should I move these dresses? Where should I move these sparkle dresses from 1983?

[A]

You know, I mean, I don't want to disrupt the spider that lives there, but. Sorry, I just totally talked over you. Sorry.

[B]

Everyone better. No, that's better, because Sonia never had a secretary job. I'm like, who am I talking about?

[A]

It doesn't matter, because the listeners couldn't tell what either of us were saying because I talked at the same time. Him.

[B]

Chocolate. Chocolate ice cream. So she's moving stuff, and she's like, well, you know, he's gone from 11 to 7 to 7. 11. She keeps saying that. She's like, well, now he's here all the time, you know, So I figure if he's gonna make slushies all day, he might as well have his own room to do it. So we're. Me and Connor are moving things. And I told him, you know, I said, you're on Tinsley's list that I made. Tinsley, you know, you should be with her because you know you're gonna want to have babies. And then he said, well, what's wrong with adoption? And then she falls down on the ground.

[A]

Yeah. And then Tinsley is, like, walks in. She's like, hey, can I get rid of some of the stuffed animals that are upstairs? I think they're harboring my germs. I can't get rid of this cold that's really affecting the curls in my hair. They're iconic.

[B]

You know, I feel like I'm in Lisa Vanderpump's house. She said.

[A]

Did she say that? That's hilarious.

[B]

Yeah, she said, I feel like it's Lisa Vanderpump's house. Every time I open my eyes, there's a fucking animal staring at me. And she's like, your floor is already a wind tunnel. We have moved everything out of there except 5,000 stuffed animals, except for all.

[A]

The old Macintosh classics.

[B]

She's like, how come Frenchie gets to make changes? Because she's like, well, Frenchie doesn't like the dining room table, so we're gonna have to move it. And, you know, Frenchie doesn't like the egg station. He wants a better egg station. So we're gonna make that work. She's like, but I can't move a stepped animal. Come on. You've known me for longer than Fred G. Come on. Do you want me to call my dad in here? My dad is so gonna lecture you. Hey, Connor, could you bring in the box? Stop telling Connor to bring in your boxes.

[A]

You're distracting him from the very important work of standing here and looking at me.

[B]

Connor is thinking about egg stations and egg stations only, young lady.

[A]

Egg station stations.

[B]

Bethany shows up to the rec room for this wedding party. She's like, what? Seriously, like, I'm the only person here. It's like me and a waiter and, like, one other girl. I don't know. Like, what is this, a Minaj?

[A]

Like, what is this?

[B]

Y' all want to do it? Y' all want to do it? You might have to put down the wine tray. I'll do it.

[A]

How awkward for that waiter. Just, like, bet he and Bethany in a rec room in the basement of some place. Like, what? I wouldn't know what to do. And Bethany's just standing there in the corner, just. Just standing there.

[B]

And he's standing there with, like, 15 wine glasses, like some bus is about to stop. Like, you can put down the tray, buddy. Okay, now it's time for a cigarette.

[A]

Yeah, I like.

[B]

I like Bethany's attitude because she goes, I did call her a. I did call her a whore a year ago. So this is the station. I deserve the aftermath party alone.

[A]

Yeah, I liked when she did that. She was like, yeah, you know, whatever. So then Dorinda shows up and she's like, there's too many celebrations. It's like, you know, it's like those people who celebrate their birthdays for a month. And Bethany's like, It's like Ramadan.

[B]

And Dorinda just looks at her like, eh.

[A]

You mean Ramona?

[B]

What?

[A]

Ramona? Don't even want to say Ramada. Language.

[B]

I was going to look up Ramadan, but I forget.

[A]

I talk about ramekins. I love ramekins. Like, yellow creme brulee. Is that what we're talking about, Bethany?

[B]

So Luann and Tom arrive, and they're exhausted, obviously. And Luann's like, look, can you believe the girls are married? It was me. Here I am married to Tom. Yeah, I'm married, girls. She's like, wow, Congratulations. Wow. How was it, Tom? He's like, great. Because he looks away from her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, just fucking kill me now. Why am I here? So she. Luann's telling us, I'm just so happy. I'm so. Oh, my partner in life. Oh, it's my partner. You know, I'm married, girl. Long line for Tom. And I didn't cut in line. I just got in line.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. And then Ramona shows up and she's like, it's drab and dreary in here. Okay. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. Sorry.

[B]

Guess they ran out of money. Okay.

[A]

They spent all their money down in Florida, and now they got nothing left but this rec room. I'm sorry. It's not fair.

[B]

She brings Avery. And Avery's like, hello, Bethany. I love that little thing on your dress. And Bethany's like, oh, yeah, yeah, thanks. Hi. Hi. Hi.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

Hi. Hi.

[A]

What's the matter? What's going on? She's like, no, no, I'm Avery. Oh, sorry. I thought you're an intern.

[B]

You want something to drink? Well, actually, I'm looking for some Pellegrino. It's like water to me. Yeah, it's water to everybody. You want some? Hey, can we get some water? Bubbles.

[A]

All right. Where's the water? Where's the water? That's what I call the waiter. Where's the water? Where's the water?

[B]

Where's the water? Her new assistant. Where's the water?

[A]

Where's the water?

[B]

Where's the water? So, Bethany, you look marvelous. Thanks. What's the water?

[A]

Where's the water? Here's the water. Okay, Avery, you're. Here's the water. The waiter's. Where's the water? Okay. Where's the water? Here's the water. So Tinsley. Tinsley shows up and she's brought her 23 year old date, which I think is. First of all, it's kind of cute because they went on their first date, like, six weeks ago. So the fact that she's still bringing him around, you know, it was cute. You know, she deserves it. Get it.

[B]

Get that.

[A]

Get that cute little ass.

[B]

Yeah, that curler is working hard for you, girl.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Ramona's like, look, she followed my advice and she got a guy, you know, but it's like she got a baby. I mean, he's more appropriate for Avery.

[A]

They are literally the same age. So he's 23, she's 22.

[B]

So, you know, he probably doesn't even know his chardonnays from his Fabergets. So Tom. Tom's like, oh, yeah, this wedding ring is so heavy. Like, my left shoulder is, like, literally lower. Like, it's really Hard. And I told Luann, I don't even want to wear a ring, but she made me. So the women are like, yeah. Everyone's just looking at him like, you are so classless. And he goes, yeah. And Luann, she put her heart and soul into this wedding. She just did such a great job with this wedding. Her whole heart and soul was in there. And Ramona goes, yeah, Luann could be amazing when she puts her mind to it.

[A]

Luann didn't even bother flinching at that. She was like, I don't have the energy to deal with this stupid stupidity right now.

[B]

Can you believe it? Can you believe it, girls?

[A]

We got the odds.

[B]

They got the.

[A]

So then money can't buy you. Yada, yada, yada.

[B]

So Dorinda and Ramona jump all over Frenchie because Sonia has bought Frenchie. She's like, look, girls, it's Frenchie. He's like, oh, bonjour, egg station. And they're like, oh, yeah, look at him. Oh, it's French. We've heard of you, but we've never seen you, and we didn't know you were real or whatever. And he's like, oh, yes, I am. Here I am. I'm so real. And then they just start jumping all over him. And then Sonia turns to him, and right in front of them, she's like, oh, you just. I don't even know what to do with myself when you're here, because I don't even know what to tell the girls about you. Cause I just said you were Frenchie. Like, I keep you in a cage. Oh, Sonia's, like, orgasming all over Frenchie. And everyone's like, ah, that's disgusting.

[A]

Look at cute Chad instead. And then meanwhile, Steve. Disgusting. So Carol's there. She has, like, a cute little outfit on. And then John walks by. He's like, hello. You know, I can shrink that down a little bit more for you if you want.

[B]

Yeah. Great party.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Dress doesn't quite fit. Want me to shrink it for you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's gross. He's wearing, like, a baseball cap.

[A]

And then there's, like, a weird moment where Tom starts talking about how Luann is a great cook. And Carol's like, really?

[B]

Have you seen her cook?

[A]

He's like, no, she's a great, great cook. She can make pasta Roni like no one else.

[B]

Are you sure? And Luann goes, yes, I made a pasta.

[A]

I got the recipe from Sonya.

[B]

Whenever she starts talking like Giada, you know she's lying. Yeah, I made him a past.

[A]

And then and then Sonia comes up to Luanna. Tom like, oh, hi. Hi. And Tom tells Sonia, oh, hey, like, wish you could have been at the wedding. I'm like, that's really insulting to tell someone that you disinvited.

[B]

I love these women, though, because they don't hold anything back. Yeah. Because who gives a speech?

[A]

Well. Well, before the speech, Tom kisses Luann. And when he kisses her, he, like, puts his hand around her neck. I was like, whoa.

[B]

Oh, yeah. He's like, oh, that pasta. And he grabs her neck and kisses her. She's like, oh, time to catch the Thanksgiving turkey, isn't it, Tom? It's like our own White House tradition already starting. I love my new partner. Well, Tom's my new playmate. Playmate of the year, Tom d'. Agostino. Dom.

[A]

So then Dorinda gets up to make a speech, and she's like. She gets up. She goes, you know, I love this great, great wedding. You know, I came out of it feeling so much better about everything, Bethany.

[B]

Well, good. I'm glad you felt better. That's what matters. Yeah.

[A]

What a great, great vote of confidence. Personally, I was nostalgic to Dorinda's speech from last year, and I have it here since I feel like it's worth revisiting because it's such an amazing speech.

[B]

Do you want to release that?

[A]

To blessings.

[B]

I. I'm so happy that, you know what, that I am part of this.

[A]

I knew you for a long time.

[B]

You know, not a moment in time. Not a moment that happens every. Every once in a while, you know, you just know when it's right, and it's right.

[A]

Thank you. Classic.

[B]

At a moment in time, that moment happens.

[A]

There's no. That's right. You know, I'd like make a sandwich. The cast cram. Richard.

[B]

That is my favorite, you know, moment, time. A moment happens between a moment happens in a moment in time. Moments of time. 10 moments.

[A]

I have another audio clip here that says during the slurring, it's four seconds. I don't remember what it is, but I feel like playing it. I feel like it's in the spirit of the episode.

[B]

The more she does, though, she's doing better than she knows what she's doing.

[A]

Yeah, just more Dorinda. Yes. Hey, we're from the Berkshire. We're people. We are the same people from Block. We grew up in this moment times and stuff.

[B]

And Bethany's like. She's berserk right now, so she's just, like, waving her wine violently. I was at the Beach. I had to go put on a dress. Not well, bitch. So Tom's like, thanks for that speech. And she's, hey, Tom, in your speech, how about you say what a good speech I gave? And he's like, okay, well, you gave a great speech. You always make it nice. Yes, well, I said that one time. He said, I made it nice. It's on T shirts.

[A]

God bless this cast.

[B]

Then Tom continues his Luann. Luann put her heart and soul into that wedding so that we could have our true friends and family there.

[A]

Yes. Oh, my God, what a douchebag.

[B]

And she's like, I gotta get out of here.

[A]

Like, what does that make us, huh?

[B]

Dorinda yells. Yeah, the friends you weren't invited.

[A]

It was so tacky.

[B]

Yeah, the friends who fucked my husband. I gotta go. I gotta get out of here.

[A]

Oh, my God, Tom. He is.

[B]

What a so piece of work.

[A]

So, so fun. Well, everyone, thanks for listening. Bye, everyone.

[B]

Bye, everybody. Bye.

[A]

Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King. It's always a party on Alison Block.

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